Today's Traci

Vunerability, I suck at that. But I'm learning.

2014-10-23T21:25:00.001-04:00

I've figured out why today sucked SO bad. I didn't sleep last night and you know how that can through off everything you thought to be true. Then a friend confronted on a matter that I thought to be completely harmless but caused her discomfort which in turn hurt my heart to know that I hurt hers. That didn't help. I've sold my house. I'm grieving over my children's home and I don't have another ready so it's off to the in-laws until we find a solution to our homelessness. I've cried all damned day. ALL DAMNED DAY! I hate crying and I hate sadness so I work really damn hard to avoid it. But that's not why today sucked so much. Today sucked because I had a lesson that's been presenting itself to me for awhile. And here it is. Vulnerability. I suck at being vulnerable.

But it lead me to something wonderful. You. People. Friendships. Equality.
I told the world via Facebook that I'm struggling and I need encouragement. Since I hate being vulnerable very few people know when I'm struggling and therefore do not know to help me walk through my stuff. So today I decided to tell whole world that I CAN'T DO THIS! And it's true. I can't walk this life alone. I simply can't. I need you and you and you and you. I need all of you to tell me that I CAN do this life! I need you to tell me that you think I'm amazing. I need you tell me all there is that's good about me cause right now all I can see is my shit. I'm guessing that at some point you need me, too. Why do we work so hard to make the world believe that we are super women? Good God, why? Why do we need to impress others and in turn isolate ourselves? I've done it for years and nothing good comes from it EVER!

You and I are equals in this journey. We might be on different paths but we have so much to offer one another. We are teachers to each other. If we let down our walls we can see that community is all around us. But it takes vulnerability. Be willing to be real and raw. No one can know your pain if you are working so hard to be strong. So soul sister, cry when you are sad, go punch something (not someone) when you are angry, confront someone when boundaries have been crossed and receive love. Receive hugs. I suck at all that but I'm learning and growing because of you. You have taught and modeled love and vulnerability in front of me.

Thank you!
I love YOU!

Waking Up

2014-01-29T21:49:00.000-05:00

A lot of healing has taken place over the past couple of years. I was physically a mess. At the end of my despair I found beacon of light, a special person I can now call my friend, was then only someone who was my last effort of hope. She started me on my physical healing process but I didn't know back then that she was looking at my soul... wanting to help me to where I am now and beyond. But at that time she could only offer me a food plan and supplements for it was all I was willing to receive. Slowly I'm waking up to self. The trueness of me. My inner rest. Connection to Source. Coming this far was a true battle and I'm certain that the old, the dark isn't going to totally give up with one last fight at least. I came this far kicking and screaming but soul, my true me, was done. My soul craved truth and truth is happening. By far not there...so far to go... yet on my way. My soul sat quietly waiting, waiting for me to come home. But coming home meant tearing down the curtains, the costumes. Cutting through the briers of old thoughts and perceptions. Negating and neutralizing the lies. Breaking the chains of fear. I see the process much more clearly now. Now I can see me moving towards center at lightning speed. No turning back, no holding back, no looking back. I am free... it's time to leap. The caterpillar has metamorphosed... the cocoon has broke open. I see the light of the sun...time to spread my wings. Time to fly.

Detoxing Self

2014-01-27T19:51:00.000-05:00

I started another Re-Nuz colon detox again yesterday. They generally last about five days and could rid the body of a massive amount of toxicity. I actually usually enjoy doing this detox because it makes me feel really, really good. But, after doing some serious soul searching lately, I realized that I had a lot of "crap" to get rid of. The "crap" here is a metaphor for the baggage of the past. Hurts, pain, anger and skewed perceptions. It's time to let go. Unlike the many other times of doing the detox, I did not feel so good. Since the colon holds the emotions of the childhood I should have been prepared for the ill feelings. The second day I felt nauseated. Nausea comes from the stomach area, right? I've come to learn that the stomach holds the emotion of disgust. Remembering this from my wellness classes I decided to go home and write about whatever is coming up. The detox goes through the colon and pulls out buried toxins in the pockets we create when we bury painful childhood memories. Releasing of physical toxins pulls up emotional toxins. If you have colon problems you can relate. Acknowledging my nausea and paying attention to the feeling of disgust I was experiencing helped me to deal with it a little easier. As the day went on I started to feel irritable, really irritable. These emotions from the toxic pockets of my colon were being pulled up and I either had to deal with them or shove them back into the darkness only to be revealed again the next time I did a detox or bury them enough until they ultimately turned into "dis-ease." I came home from work, got everyone settled and went straight to my bedroom with pen and paper and wrote and wrote and wrote. I came to understand in this writing that I am (despite the massive work and healing) still at battle with my own self. I have been angry and disgusted with myself for turning on myself. There was so much anger, pain, loss and negativity being thrown at me as a child that I had at some point jumped on the bandwagon. I wrote to me. I told me everything I needed to say. I let it all go onto that paper. I told me that it's time to team up with me. I no longer get to be mean to me. And then I took the paper, burned it up and prayed for the pain to be released and transmuted into love. Another weight lifted. More of me set free. More love to share. More room for God to fill with love.

This colon detox does much more than clean the colon, it also makes unresolved childhood emotions easily accessible to confront and release so that a full body healing can occur. It's not easy, it's not fun but when finished, living inside our bodies actually becomes a pleasant place to be. Those around us appreciate it, too ;).

2012-10-29T17:44:00.000-04:00

I thought about the tropics today and how I hate the cold,
I thought about the sun and waves instead of the winds so bold,
I thought about leaving here and migrating onward south,
I thought about how much better it would be and the words exited my mouth.
Then...
I thought about the homeless mom and her hungry little kid,
I thought about how she must hate the cold more than I ever did.
I thought about my comfy home and then her home of naught,
I thought about had sad it was to have such a thankless thought.

The Doc said the mole concerns him...

2012-05-30T17:28:00.001-04:00

My 10 year old has had a mole on her right cheek for several years now. It has steadily grown and gotten darker and her dentist insisted that I have checked out. We finally took her and the doc removed it and had it biopsied. They called us with the results and said we have to go back in next week. The mole has cells that could lead to cancer. I'm sick to my stomach about it although it might be nothing. No one EVER wants to even consider that hateful old word especially when it comes to their children. My fears often paralyze me though the Bible says to have faith in all things. I'm not going to pretend that I'm not scared because I AM! God is always faithful yet I am always still human. Many face horrible situations every day and I can't imagine their pain. For now, I'm going to pray and research and try to make through a week of wondering.

Church, The Great Misnomer

2012-05-27T21:34:00.000-04:00

Reading through Matthew 23 and applying it today, I have been able to relate on a different level to those words of Jesus. The question I receive most when encountering other Christians for the first time is, "Where do you go to church?" I have to reply with a sort of rhetorical question, "What do you mean?"
Of course I know exactly what they mean! They want to know what religious institution I attend so that they might be able to understand my Christian point of view. But I have come to understand the word "church" as a misnomer when it comes to Christianity. Asking me what church I go to is like asking me what family I go to. That doesn't make sense. Knowing now that the Christian church is a living organism and not a building created by the hands of men leads to me to ask that question. You wouldn't ask me what family I attend would you? Of course not! You might ask me when do I get to visit with family and I would reply with, "As often as possible." The same applies to church. The appropriate question might be, "When or where do you meet with the church or the family of believers?" I would reply with something like this, "Whenever and wherever possible!"
My husband and I had the privilege of attend the "Riverdance Farewell Tour" recently. While sitting in the huge crowd I had to relate it to the term "church" as it is used today. I'm quite certain there were probably many believers in the building whom were doing the same as we were. Sitting in our purchased seats, casually chatting with those around us, and waiting for the big show. There was no depth to our "fellowship" nor did we care to ever see one another again. We got what we paid for and left. Very much like the so-called church of today! The actual church Jesus spoke of was a family!
Most institutional Christians have the following verse drilled into their heads: "And let us not neglect our meeting together, as some people do, but encourage one another, especially now that the day of his return is drawing near." Hebrews 10:25. What does this mean? I see nothing about a building, a pastor, a priest, a choir, an offering plate or anything that resembles the assembling today. Can you imagine how many Christians there actually were at the time of this writing? Christians were often persecuted at the time and still quite sparse. I can imagine that it was extremely important to meet together to encourage one another and to be with others of the same heart and mind. I'm sure they sought every opportunity to meet up, hang out, eat, find comfort, discuss and love each other, just as family does today. I believe it was personal and joyful. Sometimes it was like a family reunion and other times more like a Saturday evening hangout.
Church as we know it today is indeed a misnomer. What is a misnomer? Here is a Webster's definition: a wrong or unsuitable name. What could we appropriately call the religious institution known as Church today? I don't really know but it doesn't appear to be from the One who created The Church in the beginning. I'm overjoyed to be a member of His Church but not the one that is known today.

2012-03-07T20:28:00.000-05:00

Being a teacher at a new school that has new ideals has proven to be a challenge that I hadn't expected. I have been placed in a classroom full of students where the educational and maturity differences are vast. Some days I feel like I should win the greatest teacher in the world prize while other days I feel as if I should just quit. I really don't understand why God has called me to be a teacher. Honestly I don't feel I have any special gifts or talents. Whatever His reasoning I know that His plan is perfect. I question my own teaching style, my own actions, and my own words constantly. I see other teachers whom appear to be unconcerned with what the parents think of them, what the kids think of them and what other teachers think of them. I am concerned with everything everyone thinks of me. These parents are trusting me with their most prized possession and I don't want to let them down. Each child has a tender, sensitive heart that I have the power to make or break. I am very thoughtful (almost to the point of worry) about each child's educational needs. Having such huge grade differences leaves me feeling that I just might be leaving gaps in those little knowledge banks we call brains. I spend sleepless nights thinking and praying over my students or I wake startled by one of my concerns for a student. One negative word from any parent hurts so deeply knowing the heart and brain effort put into each student. Then I have days when a parent thanks me for saving their child's attitude towards school, when a child tells me I'm their favorite teacher, and when a project turns out just right and the kids learned so much. The days that I see that a child has taken a character trait I've been talking about and applies it in an unexpected setting helps me to understand a little more about why I'm there. It feels so nice when a parent leaves flowers for me for no reason or drops an email just to say, "Thank you!"
Despite all of the positives and victories my insecurities always get the best of me. I suppose I need to lean more on God knowing that He is working out His perfect plan and less on the words of those who are clueless as to what is really happening in our own little learning world. I also need to understand that I can't please all people at all times. Some will choose to love me, my class, and my school while others will choose options more fitting for them. I will give of myself what is available and appropriate. The days of ignoring my home and family for the sake of providing the perfect education are over. My children and my husband need my best and not my job leftovers. God is creating a beautiful balancing act with my home and classroom but in the meantime I need to overcome my internal battles. Just another lesson in this journey I like to call MY LIFE!

2012-03-03T11:58:00.002-05:00

So much to do, so little time! When I start to feel this way I do the one thing I should not; I do nothing! I get trapped in my own mind and either gaze out the window or find something totally irrelevant to distract my cluttered brain. Apparently I'm not the only who feels this way. Other friends that I feel compelled to complain to about my ADD like symptoms often confess and say they find themselves in the same situation. What causes me to fall into this relentless trap? I'm sure someone out there has the answer but until there is a cure I will continue to try to improve and forgive myself for my own shortcomings.

Year 2011 Review

2012-01-02T10:12:00.000-05:00

Year 2011 proved to be completely WEIRD! I felt a strange urge last spring to do something called, "Undo Me Ministries." I went with it and my world was rocked, to say the least. I helped a marriage, while challenging my own, closed my business that I dearly loved to follow another calling that I didn't know existed, weaned myself off of potent medications without the support of my doctor. Started working at a Christian school. Lost my grandmother that I loved dearly. My husband and I made some unorthodox church and "religion" changes that traditional Christians would NOT agree with! We also decided to really study the Bible on our own and challenged ourselves to forsake traditions of men. We have found nutritional discoveries that have made positive impacts on our family. I lost a friendship that I had been holding on to but knew God wanted otherwise. It hurt but was for the best. I have reconnected with family in the strangest of ways, that makes me smile. And lastly, I'm learning to be me! Laughing only when it's funny, speaking the truth when needed, being quiet in many situations and learning to love at all times. What in the world is in for 2012? Happy New year!

Why Christian Disciples often have crazy lives!

2011-07-08T14:48:00.000-04:00

My dear friend as rooted up her 3 children, put household and social duties aside, listened to her children whine as she drove 2 hours out of town to care for the grandchild of her mother and father-in-law. The grandson has no mother, she died in a coma about a year ago and the father pretty much does his own thing. The grandparents took on the role of parent this child from a baby to now, he's about 6 years old. The child knows no boundries and is in desperate need of guidance, parenting, and discipline. The grandfather is very ill and in ICU and the grandmother is caring for him.
My dear friend decided to step in and stay in the grandparents home to care for this poor little guy and the family dog!
We were joking around about how unpredictable our lives our and wondering how other people seem to have regulated consistant life. We came to the conclusion that those who follow Christ, truly follow Him, must be available ANYTIME to His call. Even when it's inconvenient or less then ideal. My friend is able to love Jesus by loving this out of control little boy and minister to the grandmother at the same time. She's tired, stressed, and her kids are DONE! But, she is also showing her own children how to give of themselves in a world that promotes the idea "It's all about me." My friend is able to see the blessing in disguise through this trying and emotional situation.
Don't be afraid to drop everything to minister to those in need.

³⁴ Then the King will say to those on His right hand, ‘Come, you blessed of My Father, inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world: ³⁵ for I was hungry and you gave Me food; I was thirsty and you gave Me drink; I was a stranger and you took Me in; ³⁶ I was naked and you clothed Me; I was sick and you visited Me; I was in prison and you came to Me.’
³⁷ “Then the righteous will answer Him, saying, ‘Lord, when did we see You hungry and feed You, or thirsty and give You drink? ³⁸ When did we see You a stranger and take You in, or naked and clothe You? ³⁹ Or when did we see You sick, or in prison, and come to You?’ ⁴⁰ And the King will answer and say to them, ‘Assuredly, I say to you, inasmuch as you did it to one of the least of these My brethren, you did it to Me.’
⁴¹ “Then He will also say to those on the left hand, ‘Depart from Me, you cursed, into the everlasting fire prepared for the devil and his angels: ⁴² for I was hungry and you gave Me no food; I was thirsty and you gave Me no drink; ⁴³ I was a stranger and you did not take Me in, naked and you did not clothe Me, sick and in prison and you did not visit Me.’
⁴⁴ “Then they also will answer Him,^[b] saying, ‘Lord, when did we see You hungry or thirsty or a stranger or naked or sick or in prison, and did not minister to You?’ ⁴⁵ Then He will answer them, saying, ‘Assuredly, I say to you, inasmuch as you did not do it to one of the least of these, you did not do it to Me.’ ⁴⁶ And these will go away into everlasting punishment, but the righteous into eternal life.”

Thinking about YOGA

2011-07-04T19:06:00.002-04:00

Truth is, I'm transparent and I don't usually try to hide anything about myself. I also like to know things for myself and not based on the opinions of others. I had been hearing about the physical benefits of yoga and how it can be a part of the body's natural healing process. This was intriguing to me so I thought about the few times I had tried it many years ago. I began to wonder if it was OK for born again believers to partake in only the physical aspect and leave out the ohm's, chants, meditations, etc. I looked through the internet for the origins of this yoga practice and it seemed like it would not hurt my relationship with my Savior but in fact could deepen my walk. I tried some yoga on Netflix and found that it did stretch my body and felt REALLY good! I decided, well talked myself into, doing yoga daily to heal my aches and pains and help me to find balance. Going back to the Netflix video, it was "Crunch Candlelight Yoga." The peaceful lady lead me into some deep breathing and encouraged me to focus on my breath. It felt nice to NOT think of so much stuff going on around me. We went on into the stretching. I wasn't sure why it was SO important for me to sit with my right leg in front while in the crossed leg position but I ignored it and went on. After the nice stretching I was then lead to lay flat, my entire body relaxed while focused on breathing. We left off back into the seating position (right leg in front) and ended with a "Namaste" which she translated as "the divine light in me bows to the divine light in you." Ok, I decided not to Namaste with her but did the breathing and finished out the program. As I was breathing the Scripture came to my mind, "Greater is He that is within me than he who is in the world." I thought, wow! I'm meditating and God gives me Scripture, it MUST be okay!

I didn't manage to get any more yoga practices in after that, life just kept getting in the way but the thought of the practice was on my mind. Monday arrives and I am dedicated to practicing while my son rests and my daughter has her quiet time. I had found another yoga video to heal depression and gastrointestinal problems. Yay!!! I was excited because I've had issues with both my whole life. On a side note, my depression is all but gone due to diet, light exercising, and rededicating my life to serve. Back to the subject :) I FINALLY got my boy into bed and my girl into her quiet time and of course the phone rings and other stuff gets in the way. I'm getting ready to start the video when I became extremely fatigued and knew I had to rest before I started the moves. I was on my bed resting when I remembered my rededication to study and focus on the Word daily. Since I was resting and not moving, at least I could get my reading in. My studies are currently in Joshua and Psalms. Joshua had just declared Jericho to be doomed by the Lord to destruction and all who are in it. Then the next verse jumped out at me. As much as I wanted to ignore it, I could not. Joshua 6:18, "And ye, in any wise keep yourselves from the accursed thing, lest ye make yourselves accursed, when ye take of the accursed thing, and make the camp of Israel a curse, and trouble it." Wow! Could yoga be the accursed thing and then I and my household become accursed as well? Like I said, I tried to ignore the Scripture but it penetrated my thoughts. I also read chapter 136 in Psalms where it says after each statement, "His mercy endures forever" over and over again. I felt there must be something significant for the statement to be repeated 26 times! Read what spurgeon says about this Psalm and note how it relates to us today, specifically the part that many claimed Jehovah as the supreme godhead but they acknowledged many other gods: http://www.spurgeon.org/treasury/ps136.htm.

Okay, I'm starting to accept what God might be saying to me. I decided to go to http://www.wholyfit.org/ to see what they had to say about the matter since they are now Christian but once heavily steeped in yoga. I was lead to a link that posted a video about a former yoga teacher and his experience before he accepted the Messiah. You can watch the 20-30 minute video here: http://blip.tv/truelightproject/truth-seekers-5254262
I have since decided that practicing yoga is entangled with the New Age Religion. This is the religion Christians should be aware of. Muslim is quite possibly a diversion so that New Age can slip right in. We should pay attention to Joshua 6:18 as it seems to be parallel with our world today.

This is what God has given me today. I was never on a quest to prove yoga as a distraction from following Christ but on the contrary, I was looking to prove yoga was beneficial and positive.

I have no further need to debate this further with anyone as the Holy Spirit has made it quite evident to me. There are many wonderful alternatives to yoga practice. Even the physical benefits of yoga can be achieved by Christian exercise groups such as Wholyfit, PraiseMoves, Doxasoma, and more. They take out the ohm's, meditations, chakra's, etc. and quote scripture and encourage praising the true God while getting physically fit.

Please do your own study. God will never allow you to slip from His hands as long as we are in His Word and asking for His guidance.

Greater is He who is in me than he who is the world. He is greater than anyone or anything else in the world!

With love

Unstable?

2011-07-03T17:37:00.000-04:00

I start and stop various blogs like I change my clothes! I like, no LOVE trying new things and usually, after I've tried something I get sick of it and quit. People like me are often annoying to others but I enjoy the adventures and education that new things bring my way. I was blogging out my life earlier but found that it really isn't anyone's business, I guess, so I think it's time to stop. My next blog? HomeScholars! I figured it's the only way to keep families up to date without constantly editing my website. So up comes another blog... how long will it last??

Less of Me, More of Him

2011-02-25T19:14:00.000-05:00

Going through the trials of life can certainly teach you what you are made of! I am so capable of being one big, huge, babyfied pity party! Poor me! I'm sick, the kids are crazy, the neighbors are..., the families of my co-op won't cut me a break, blah blah blah! We all do it so I'm not gonna be afraid to be the first to admit it! It's time for less of me, more of Him!
I'm constantly searching for the next big thing! I'm gonna go for my Master's degree! Yay! The girl who barely made it through high school is going to get her Master's in Education! That'll sure impress some folks. I'll show them who did not turn out to be a loser!! Do you ever think like that? I do it all the time. Why? CAUSE IT'S ALL ABOUT ME!!!
While searching for the best route to this coveted degree I hear HIM speaking to me, again. I ignore Him, again. He speaks, I ignore. He speaks, I ignore.
My search continue's for the best online university, that will accept my unaccredited degree, when I finally decide to listen.
I hear Him inform me that I'm already on the road to receiving my "Master's" Degree! The Master is educating me daily through these trials and self-pity inducing situations. A degree from the Master is by far more valuable than any Master's Degree I could ever purchase and study for!
He has called me to be a dedicated student of His Word. Not just daily devotionals but genuinely digging and searching for wisdom, knowledge, and answers to His truth! Until I can become a student of His Word and earn a "degree" from THE Master, I have no time nor business searching out ways to impress others or educating myself in efforts to earn more of the almighty dollar!
His wisdom is awesome and amazing and will take you places no college could ever dream of!

Thankful for my beating heart

2011-02-17T18:27:00.000-05:00

The TV blares, my husband talks, the dog incessantly tries to jump on my lap where the computer already resides and my Leah won't let me out of her sight while she continues to battle out her ailment. The chaos once again tries to attack my nervous system and my heart is racing out of control. The anxiety is something I'm trying to learn to deal with as it is the reason I was taking 300mgs of Effexor XR and another nerve calming pill. I almost miss those 300mgs as I sit here as irritable as the ole Grouch himself and my heart feels like a galloping herd of horses. I shall not succumb to what Satan tells me is my only hope. Jesus has an answer to my suffering and I will wait for Him.
I began a new program today called, "The Road Back." The Road Back uses natural vitamins and herbs, along with journaling, to help those with high anxiety and depression and those stuck on anti-psychosis and nerve pills find their way to freedom. Aside from that program, prayer and Biblical meditation along with diet and exercise are extremely important. Not one part of the body works alone so the body must be treated as a whole. I took the body calm about a half an hour ago and noticed the pace of my heart beginning to slow. I did eat some chocolate ice cream today only to suffer from the side-effect of extreme anxiety and heart palpitations.
Otherwise, my life is going smoothly. At least my heart IS beating! I would be in trouble if the alternative were true!
God has given me clear instructions as to the running of HomeScholars. I thought for a while the program should come to a close. I am learning how important is to wait for a yes or a no in all situations. If we aren't hearing anything clearly from Him we must continue on the path He has called us. Of course if you are on a path not coinciding with the will of our Saviour then that road must come to an abrupt halt.
I'm thankful for my crazy, beautiful children and my amazingly patient and loving husband. I have some of the best friends I could ever imagine. I mean I have true, unconditional friendships that only Jesus himself could provide. I am amazed at that because I can be so moody, grouchy, selfish and rude! I love these ladies and wish all people could have the bond each of us share.
I look out and see the sky is peach with grayish blue clouds floating along. I find as I am writing I am becoming peaceful and the "stuff" going on around me isn't so overwhelming. The dog is STILL trying to get on my lap and I suddenly don't feel like catapulting him across the room!
My dear friend, who is staying with us, is yet again fixing supper. I pray for her as she strives to get her life and the lives of her children on the road to success. I pray they seek God first.
You see, my life is hard dealing with the anxiety issues. I've left my past behind, finally, and my present is at peace. Looking only at our own lives sometimes can be a stumbling block. Looking at the lives of those who diseases are out of control, loved ones have past, or their marriage falls apart allows me to be thankful for the blessings in this world of my own.
He is truth and truth is love. Trust in the truth and in the truth we find love. Peace abides in truth, He is the truth. Give in to truth and we shall have peace.
Amen.

Oh Anxiety, why won't you leave me?? I don't want your drugs!

2011-02-11T17:01:00.000-05:00

My entire life I have dealt with anxiety. I was constantly put in situations that scared me to half to death. I was always able to manage and self-sooth until my trip to Africa. It was this trip that I became the victim of the dreaded drug, Lariam. Lariam was given to me to ward off malaria while I was in the Ivory Coast. When I returned to the states, I was never the same. I lived in what felt like a dark tunnel. It was horrible. My dorm mom would stay up through the night with me praying for me to be freed from whatever was oppressing me. I fasted, I prayed, I fasted, I prayed but nothing would remove me from this prison. Finally, years after the trip, I was watching one of the news channels and they were talking about Lariam and what it has done to people. Soldiers were committing suicide, others had become murderers and people like me, were drowning in depression and anxiety. One mom testified of her experience and I finally knew what was wrong with me! I went to my family doctor for another reason and she detected right away that I had problems. She had me take a written test. She returned with a grade stating I had one of the worst cases of anxiety and depression that she had seen in a long time. She agreed that it was the Lariam. At that time I didn't believe in medication but I was so desperate that I agreed. I started taking Celexa that day and after two weeks I felt like the world had been lifted from my shoulders. It was that feeling that a near-sighted person feels when they first get glasses! I could see the leaves on the trees, the sun was brighter and I could breath! It felt so good to be alive again! But as time went on anxiety would creep up occasionally but never to level it had reached before medication. I stuck with Celexa for years going off and back on but managed to control my anxiety levels. Years later I gave birth to Ryan. I never took meds during my pregnancies and felt pretty good, mentally that is! When Ryan came along, I went into terrible post-partum depression and the anxiety returned. I only slept a few hours here and there to the point I could not sleep at all. I literally had insomnia for almost a year straight. It was horrible! I didn't want to take anything because I was nursing but I finally gave in and allowed my doctor to give me a small dosage of zoloft which helped a little. I still couldn't sleep. When Ryan was weened, I started seeing a counsellor thinking that was the answer. She helped me deal with the pain of my past as I talked through issues that weighed me down and my goodness did the counselling help! I was and still am so happy I took that route! The problem was that I was told I needed medication to help with the anxiety especially during the times of therapy and emotional healing. Desperate to get help I found a psychiatrist and started down a road to what I thought was healing. I was prescribed Celexa again but it wasn't right this time. Then Prozac that just about destroyed my marriage. Then finally I was put on Effexor XR along with Ambien and Klonopin for sleep. I started sleeping, those meds I don't regret. Every time I would return to the Dr. my Effexor prescription dosage got higher until I was on 300mgs. I felt soooo much better! So much better in fact that I didn't care about the 50lbs I gained in just a few short months! I really did feel good. It was so nice to feel that way!
After a year or so on the Effexor XR I felt God calling me to remove the chemicals from my body. I felt so good that I just knew I could do it, a piece of cake! Ha! Was I in for a surprise! I got sick, I mean really really sick! So I decided to stay on and go down slowly. After Christmas I began to lesson the dosage weekly. I really did OK supplementing with herbs. I made it to 75mgs with no major side effects all with the help of prayer and herbs. The last 75mgs were a different story. I stopped all meds after the last week of taking 75mgs of Effexor. My head began to spin like I had just gotten off one of the spinning rides at the fair. My body went into severe pain and shaking. I could barely walk and had diahreah. I ended up in the ER only to find that there is nothing wrong with me.
I returned home and realized that it just might be withdrawals! I took 75mgs of Effexor that night and the next day felt better. I couldn't believe what was happening to me! I was addicted to a drug! That was NEVER supposed to happen to me because my mother died from using drugs. I have been on the 75mgs now for awhile and am so afraid to finish completely. I must remove this drug from my body at all costs. However, even at 75mgs I'm feeling the anxiety again. I live in fight or flight mode. I'm taking all kinds of herbal medication and it helps. The next step before stopping completely is to change my diet and begin weight and cardio training. I have to cut out ALL processed food, red meat, and caffeine from my diet. This is a hard one from someone who had turned to food her whole life for comfort. We are going tonight to renew our gym membership. It will be nice to swim with the kids again, play ball on the basketball courts, walk the track, and put the kids in the playroom for my workout/me time.
I truly fear this next step of removing the meds because, even now, I'm irritable, unstable, and miserable.
I pray God gives me the wisdom to find the right tools needed to win this battle.
I know God has allowed another crazy circumstance in my life so that I'll have yet another thing to relate to others. I never understood the power of withdrawals to cause one to return to drugs. With my slight glimpse into drug addiction (not including living with an addict) I can somewhat understand why others return to their addictions when they truly want free.
To all those with chemical addictions, you have my heart.
God please free those who truly desire the right path.
Amen...

GASSSS!

2011-02-10T21:47:00.000-05:00

UGH! My tummy is so bloated. What is wrong with me? I haven't been to the bathroom in so long. Bought some herbal stuff today with hopes of some relief. I tried drinking Pepsi, that usually does the trick. Not today, it just made it worse. I ate some gluten stuff, too... what was I thinking?

Spent a lot of time working some kinks out of Homescholars. I had to make some huge decisions that were not at all easy to say the least. The business has been a mess since we started back to class in January. It has gotten so far out of hand that we almost closed. Thanks to my trusted assistant and God's leading we managed to peice some things back together. Next semester will be a whole new can of peas! I know one thing, deciding to handle things without spending time with our Saviour can be a disaster waiting to happen!
I feel so much more at peace and God has revealed so many things to me. The main things I have learned are:
1. God first! Talk to Him in quiet and let Him lead!
2. Keep the husband and kids before work, if we don't care for own then what good is life?
3. Learn to share responsibilities...no one can do it all alone.

I'm on my way to making my life story public. That will happen soon but I'm afraid. My life story involves other people and I don't want to hurt anyone. BUT, I have a story and I think it needs to be told.
When should I begin? I get a little nervous thinking about what would really happen if I made my story availabe for the world to see. Most people only know bits and peices of my life but no one knows the whole deal. It's so insane that I wouldn't know where to start!

Maybe know one really even cares to know my life, my history, my joy, my pain. Maybe it's not such a crazy story but to me it is. So there I have it! From now on, I write to me. I am my audience. I have no one to enlighten but me! I will tell myself my own story and maybe I will learn something from myself. Hmm...not such a bad idea!

So, Traci, when would you like to read the autobiography of Traci? Are you ready to reveal things about you?
I think I will sleep on that and decide when to post and how far back I want to tread to dig up the dirt that has sent me on this vortex of life as I currently know it!

Dr.s and Doctor Phil

2011-02-10T10:28:00.000-05:00

I am sitting here with my daughter basically on my lap while she completes her school. I am amazed how easily she catches on with my meager instruction. 10:13am and she is totally finished with school. How is it that the girl that despised school is now a homeschool mom? Maybe because I don't want my children to experience what I perceived as torcher. Of course I don't spend the time with Ryan that I should but he is only 3 and goes to HomeScholars on Tuesdays. He is more interested in building and playing cars.
I just realized that I checked email, schooled Leah, ate breakfast, watched part of Dr. Phil and The Doctor's all at one time! Does anyone else do stuff like that?
I'm on my way to a friends house and have to figure out what to fix for lunch to take with us. Gluten free bread just isn't the same for sandwiches. What I really want to do is stop and get a pizza and forget about it! On my way I have to stop and fight with the meanest postal lady in Johnston county to get her to accept prepaid packages from a different zip. She swears she can't allow it but the truth is, she CAN! So, I have to fight with her every time and of course, I always win! I mean, she is on the way and to go to the post office with my zip will be 20 minutes out of my way. Oh well, we will see how that turns out!
I'm overwhelmed with all the suggestions the Dr.s are giving on how to look younger! Should I start with a laser lip treatment, club soda for my hair, exfoliate with canned pumpkin, or get a better bra? I don't know, maybe I'll start with brushing my teeth and hair and putting on deodorant. That's about as far as I can get!

In bed with my with my idols

2011-02-09T22:11:00.000-05:00

I've finally managed to plop my big rear into my bed and with absolutely no fight! I'm under the covers but I'm still cold. Chad watching the greatest idol in our home, the television. Americans worship the television way more than than God Almighty, including our family. And I have come to bed with my best friend, the handy dandy laptop. Yes, the laptop is here for me through thick and thin, through good times and bad, and doesn't judge me or leave me. I go to bed to rest, refresh, get ready for the next day. Instead, I bring the world to bed with me. I bring my mail, my facebook friends, my thoughts, my research and anything else you can do online to bed with me. You would think I would put it away for the night but noooo, I do what I should not and I don't do what I should! Paul understood this twisted concept, I wonder if He ever got it under control.
I ate a great supper, thanks to Vilma! I was not hungry but felt the need for a snack. There was ice cream in the fridge but that was just too cold to my already fridgid body. I opted instead for the last tiny bit of gluten free cereal and milk. It was still cold but not icy cold like the cream. The point is that I really didn't need a snack physically. I just wanted to eat. Why do I want to eat when I'm not physically hungry? We all know how we sooth ourselves with food and how we should turn to God instead of food. I have a hard time with this, I'm simply not on that spiritual level. I hope to be someday but thank God, he designed me and He knows me and only HE can change me.
Yes, my life is full of suttle idolitry and I'm embarrassed of that but it is a fact. I long to overcome but my finite mind has a long way to go.
It's 10:05pm and I have yet to brush my teeth and take out my eyes (contacts). I just want to lay here and type my thoughts. I thought blogging would be a chore but it's quite addictive. Feels good to free my thoughts!

Not without a fight!

2011-02-09T20:30:00.000-05:00

Why is it sooo hard to get the kids to cooperate for bedtime? I'm dying to get under the warm, cuddly covers while the kids whine, cry, fight and drag their feet. I mean for crying out loud (literally), just get your stinkin PJ's on, brush your cruddy teeth and GO TO BED!

Why am I blogging?

2011-02-09T19:13:00.000-05:00

Why in the world have I started blogging with all I have going on? I mean really! I have a business with several employees, I homeschool my 9 year old daughter, I attempt to homeschool my three year old son, I teach Sunday School to 4th graders, have a displaced Lithuanian housewife and her 2 children living upstairs, and everything else a mom and wife must do.
Well, first of all I AM crazy! Everyone sees that some days I'm looking pretty together and other days I'm a complete mess! I've gone to counseling to try and get help for my insanity and, besides suggesting I get amped up on drugs, she suggested writing or journaling. I HATE writing! It makes my hand and wrist throb with pain. OK, lame excuse but really! It hurts so bad to write for more than just a minute, it always has. Soooo, after watching Julie and Julia on Netflix the other night I decided to put my inconsistent thoughts somewhere I tend to spend a lot of time anyway, on the web. Am I nuts to expose my thoughts to anyone choosing to view? Yes, of course I'm nuts...that's who I am! At least someone out there might relate to my ramblings and feel just a little better about themselves in the long run. Whatever happens and if anyone reads, at least I can take my maddening thoughts, concerns, and experiences and put them down if only for my own benefit. Who knows, I might be able to clear my cranium for once in my life! Let's see what happens...