Toddy Binklesworth Sports

Cliche Gym Characters

2011-06-14T10:02:00.000-07:00

Cliché Gym Characters

The Screecher

This individual (usually male) announces each repetition much in the same way an animal giving birth might sound like, with the final few repetitions of a set mimicking the final moments of delivery. Usually the screeches are most heightened on the last repetition, when the noise is akin to a Macaw giving birth to a porcupine. The screecher is also known to elevate the decibel level of screeching when the gym population is highest, (or when the pretty girl walks by) and scientists currently hypothesize that this may be a mating ritual. Decibel levels are also thought to increase when the screecher thinks they are endangered (someone getting too close to the piece of machinery they are working out at.) Screechers are thought to be relatively harmless creatures if jet airplane ear plugs are worn…Unless eye contact is made during their very last repetition.. If eye contact is made with a screecher during the last repetition, than there is a high probability that you will spontaneously combust much like Mick Valsalva.

The Pigpen or Pepe LePew

This individual goes in to the gym every day doing their best Pig Pen (from Peanut’s) or Pepe LePew impression, stinking up the gym and the equipment with their latest essence. They wear way too much perfume, (or body odor,) and leave a lingering trail of their proprietary stench behind wherever they workout, depleting oxygen levels to dangerously low levels. Long after they have left the gym you can still pick up their scent in noxious waves of cheap cologne, unwashed armpit hair, durpleberry scented suave shampoo, or the worst; the famously pungent trans-fat sweat mixed with perfume/cologne that seems to defy gravity and hang around for hours until it has made an appearance in every olfactory orifice in the gym. These offenders have never met a perfume they didn’t like (Pepe LePew) or a shower or washing machine they liked (Pig Pen) and the result is a wish that we would have brought a clothes pin to put over our nose when working out alongside the stinker.

The Wi-Fi Guy

Every week the question is re-asked in a desperate plea; “You guy’s have the Wi-Fi password.”?

It’s the Wi-Fi Guy.

No will always be the answer, yet the question persists, getting more desperate with each passing week. If only Starbucks had a gym attached, this individual would never leave home. As the Wi-Fi Guy rides the recumbent bike the wheels are spinning and he is exercising, but the true workout is going on in his mind-for his brain is spinning even faster in a sheer panic for access to the internet. During a typical workout, the Wi-Fi guy won’t let more than three seconds elapse without frantically re-searching the gym heavens for a source of Wi-Fi. Though usually a workout for the Wi-Fi guy workout will be intense-owing to the reason it was fueled by anger from lack of internet access, the workout as a whole will be deemed an abysmal failure…for he could not update his status. The Wi-Fi Guy’s cool down will involve the comment box.

Now some may wonder how an individual cannot go more than a half hour without some form of electronic gadgetry attached to their egg head, but that is a question best left for medical experts, or people that play them on television. For now, I will slip on my Dr. Phil hat and hypothesize that an unhealthy allegiance exists towards electronic media, and an intervention is needed in the form of running Wi-Fi stained hands through fertile soil, instead of through the durpleberry keyboard, or perhaps a search through the local woods for a view of a songbird, instead of a google search for an image of one.

For now, the comment box would like to CTRL + ALT + DEL all Wi-Fi related comments for good.

By Nick Geschke

2011-04-17T13:34:00.000-07:00

Workout Journal

April 17, 2011

Well I was going to work my beautiful's today (biceps,) but I couldn't find the caution tape.. So instead I did plyometric handstand push ups, 6,500 Durpee's, and 10 levitation's for 5 seconds a pop..

Levitating

Naturally I warmed myself up with 10 repetitions of face slapping myself (alternating hands) while screaming, "your not good enough," and then finished the warm up with 100 yard dash flying Bosu headbutt's.. For some reason when I awoke I couldn't remember how many I actually did, but I credited myself with 50.

Now I need some protein, and I have heard that insects have the largest amount of protein concentration per milligram of body weight; particularly horse fly's and moth's.. So if anyone has killed any fresh ones lately, I would appreciate if they saved and then e-mailed them to me. They are pretty light so they should go through..

Also I lost my portable transmogrification pod, so if anyone has seen it in the vicinity of 1995 I would appreciate it being returned to the South St. Paul Anytime Fitness.

If it has brontosaur scat on the wheels, and dodo feathers on the windshield it is mine.

Thanks!

Toddy

2011-04-17T13:22:00.000-07:00

The Nickly News

“All the Fit that’s Fit to Print.” April 16, 2011

*Text REDCROSS to 90999 to Give $10 Japan Earthquake and Pacific Tsunami*

This Week’s Man In History
Reinhold Messner

The world's greatest mountaineer pushed the limits of human endurance.
By JAMES GRAFF

The peculiar greatness of Reinhold Messner is grounded in a pure form of selfishness. His pas de deux with the world's most inhospitable wildernesses have always been about measuring his own might, skill and especially will. "I am Sisyphus," he has written, "and the stone which I push up the mountain is my own psyche."

He has carried that heavy burden to the literal ends of the earth. Messner, 62, is not only the greatest high-altitude mountaineer the world has ever known; he is probably the best it will ever know. His 1980 solo ascent of Mount Everest by "fair means" — without sherpas, crevasse ladders or supplemental oxygen — remains the most primal test conceivable of man against the earth.

That ascent, and Messner's subsequent conquest of the world's 13 other peaks of 8,000 m or more, set the gold standard for mountaineering. "He had nobody's footsteps to follow," says Ed Viesturs, an American climber who completed the fair-means ascent of all 14 of those peaks in spring 2005. "After Messner, the mystery of possibility was gone; there remained only the mystery of whether you could do it."

Messner's obsession was formed early in the Dolomites and other Alpine ranges — he was born in a narrow German-speaking valley of Italy's South Tyrol. His first venture to the Himalayas in 1970 ended in tragedy when his younger brother Günther died after summiting Nanga Parbat. Several members of that expedition accused Messner of abandoning his brother in an egotistical push to open a new route of descent, but the discovery of Günther's body last year confirmed Messner's contention that he had been killed by an avalanche.

Messner later traversed Greenland and the Gobi Desert, and tackled both poles by fair means. He served a term in the European Parliament for the Italian Green Party, and now heads a range of museums about the lure of mountains and raises a family back in South Tyrol, where it all began. He's been decried as arrogant, defensive and abrasive. But in answering to no one but himself, Messner obeys a higher calling. His achievements will inspire lone wolves and stubborn dreamers for generations to come.*

The Push Up

While fitness fads may come and go as fast as their late-night infomercials, some types of exercise transcend trends. Among them is the push-up, which uses your own body weight along with gravity to tone and condition muscles. Some fitness experts have called the push-up the closest thing there is to a perfect exercise. And with good reason; "The primary movers [the major muscle groups that produce the motion of a push-up] are the chest and triceps. However, if you look at the form your body takes during the perfect push-up, you're typically suspended from your toes all the way to your neck, so in reality, every muscle between your shoulders and your toes is engaged," says Bottesch. **

Nickly New’s Favorite Exercises

1. Pull Up

2. Push Up

3. Olympic Squat

4. Roundhouse Kick

5. DB Curl
6. Right Cross
7. DB Shoulder Press

Quote of the Week

“Reading is to the mind what exercise is to the body.”

-Sir Richard Steele

*http://www.time.com/time/europe/hero2006/messner.html

**http://www.webmd.com/fitness-exercise/features/doing-the-perfect-push-up

2011-03-24T11:40:00.000-07:00

Valsalva maneuver: def;

A maneuver in which a person tries to exhale forcibly with a closed glottis (the windpipe) so that no air exits through the mouth or nose as, for example, in strenuous coughing, straining during a bowel movement, or lifting a heavy weight. The Valsalva maneuver impedes the return of venous blood to the heart. *

The Mick Valsalva Story

Many years ago, in a non-descript gym in a borough of Brooklyn, New York, a power lifter named Mick Valsava tried to lift the heaviest weight he had ever attempted.. As he went deep into his repetition, (glancing all the while at a pretty girl out of the corner of his eye,) he knew that there was no way he would be able to lift with proper technique. But he felt all eyes were on him and he wasn’t going to let down his fans-so he gave it his best anyways. Unfortunately his best wasn’t good enough, and as he went deep into his repetition, he tried to recruit all the assistance he could get from anywhere in his body. His eyes bulged; his neck strained trying to help lift the too heavy weight, and his form deteriorated until he appeared as if he was a constipated turtle trying to get his head free from his own keister.

It was at this point that he could have asked for assistance, or simply dropped the weight and saved the hearse’s gas money, but pride was on the line, so instead he winked at the pretty girl one last time (some thought it was an involuntary, performance enhancing induced twitch) and attempted to lift the weight in one quick motion-all the while holding his breath.. Seconds later Mick’s head exploded spectacularly, and the weight dropped gently to the ground, with his arms still attached. For once Mick had lifted properly, but he wouldn’t be there to witness it. The explosion was heard from a mile away and the gym had to close for a week. Special cleaning equipment had to be brought in to ensure a thorough job-namely a squeegee, a paint scraper, and a scoop shovel.

Oddly enough any cleaning job done in a gym that utilizes a squeegee, a paint scraper, and a scoop shovel is now referred to as the Mick Valsalva clean.

The moral of the Mick Valsalva story is that it is not good to hold your breath when lifting weight-in fact it makes about as much sense as holding your breath when sprinting-it just isn’t a good idea. So anytime someone is lifting weight (especially heavy weight) and holding their breath, that is referred to as the Valsalva maneuver and is heavily discouraged by any clear thinking simian.

*http://www.medterms.com/script/main/art.asp?articlekey=6250

The Garage Dojo - Functional Fitness and Martial Arts (Lake Elmo)

2011-02-05T11:33:00.000-08:00

If you want to get in shape quickly and gain Flexibility, Balance, Hand/Eye Coordination, and POWER, then this is the place to try!

Classes are held in a large heated garage converted into a workout studio right off Hwy 5. in Lake Elmo, making it a short drive no matter where You live in the Twin Cities!

The Instructors are Two Brothers-Nick and Chris, who started training in Martial Arts together in 1998, studying under Instructor Karl Sanders, (Rest in Peace). Some of the things he emphasized in class were intense workouts, maximizing each repetition to the best of Your own ability, proper form, and most importantly helping each other work toward a common goal of bettering ourselves. Though we do teach some movements designed to quickly incapacitate individuals, and we train for maximum speed and power with each repetition, we hope that these movements are only needed when You are presented with great danger and have no choice but to defend Yourself. We don't teach nor encourage violence or engage in toxic or negative energy while we workout-ever. If Your goal is to train here to become a good fighter or to practice what You have been taught to hurt others, You are not welcome; know that if nothing else.

We are currently studying Wing Chun, Tai Chi, and also getting refinement in our technique from a lifelong practitioner of the Martial Arts who earned His Black Belt with Instructor Karl, and everything we know we will eventually show You.

We believe a strong foundation is necessary to build the body correctly, and no facet of the body is ignored when we work out. Much like a house's structure is dependent on a good foundation, so is Your body. Having a good foundation means having a strong core, excellent balance, proper breathing, great flexibility, full range of motion, and many, many, many other techniques. We strongly emphasize maintaining proper form at all times to maximize each repetition and make each movement purposeful. You get the best workout when you do an exercise to it's TRUEST form, and from what I see on a daily basis, about 95% of people who workout do not do this.

You will become proficient at moving your body in the most efficient manner should You attend. You will notice immense improvements and benefits immediately from the workouts we put You through! And no workout is ever the same-rather we switch it up all the time to keep the body from becoming complacent. One day we may be roundkicking Muay Thai pads, and causing people driving by on Hwy. 5 to conclude there is a thunderstorm. Other times we may be practicing plyometric based medicine ball throws to build explosive power. Another time we may be practicing static, isometric martial arts positions that have been around and refined for well over 1,000 years. Most of the time we will be doing all of the above mentioned in the course of one class.

For Instructor Nick, physical fitness is not a job or a hobby-rather it is a Way of Life, and always has been from a very early age, when he was imitating movement from Jean Claude Van Damme, Steven Seagal, and watching American Ninja 1 through 57 with Chris and practicing spin kicks, or doing his best Kirby Puckett impression (keep in mind this was well before the Red Rock incident) by playing baseball and generally treating the neighborhood like a personal playground. Nick is employed as a Personal Trainer and likes to design workouts/classes that incorporate and combine form from the best of what both Fitness and Martial Arts have to offer. He encourages maximization of each repetition throughout the workout, among many, many other techniques which You will have to attend to learn about. He has a great idea of what it takes to build You up responsibly, yet quickly, no matter what Your level of fitness is, and is extremely sensitive to the concerns of others, regarding this subject. His metaphorical cup is usually empty and he is always looking for ways to gain knowledge involving the body and mind. Some of his past pursuits toward that knowledge (not including fitness and this particular style of martial arts) have included practicing Muay Thai Boxing for 6 months from a Thailand born practitioner, taking Yoga and Bikram Yoga classes to learn new stretches and breathing techniques, implementing plyometrics training into workouts to add explosive power to strikes and buying pilates and Pavel books to add to the workouts, just to name a few. Those aforementioned pursuits are just scratching the surface though. Weekly trips to the Library to check out books and test techniques and exercises is a weekly regimen for Nick as he believes the mind and bodies abilities are heightened when they are both exercised strenuously! For example, he is sure that if You are overweight, but extremely intelligent, You would get much smarter with the help of exercise as your synapses would fire more rapidly and information would travel through your brain much more efficiently. Just like there is fat in Your body, there is plenty in the brain We could all afford to lose.

Every workout he puts people through he puts himself through first. All his acquired knowledge and hard work is condensed and delivered in a way so that the student can get a "Cliff's Note" version of what to do, thus progressing at a rapid pace, and eliminating unnecessary movement. What took him 10 years to try to perfect You can learn in a matter of weeks. His learned failures are Your newfound knowledge. His energy knows no bounds, and he loves to teach what he knows to others so they can find similar satisfaction. Often classes are conducted in a fun, engaging manner, usually involving motivational quotes using philosophers as diverse as Socrates, ("thoust should eat to live-not live to eat") to Satchel Paige, "How old would You be if You didn't know how old You are?")

His latest favorite though is Von Goethe's, "There is nothing worse than aggressive stupidity" as he sees it everywhere he goes, especially in workout techniques at the gym, but also sometimes when he looks at himself from an outside perspective when self evaluating at the end of the day.

For Instructor Chris, who recently earned his Black Belt after 12+ years of practicing martial arts, martial arts is "The Way." Martial Arts provided structure and discipline in his life, when there was little, and he would like to show others that are in a similar position that a degree of inner peace can be attained through the Martial Arts, no matter how bad they think things are. His pursuit of learning new techniques for Martial Arts seems to be based off of animal instinct, that can be likened to that of a thirsty Gorilla in search of water. In the past his pursuit of higher knowledge involving martial arts has taken him from deep into Chinatown, California where he studied under a Chinese practitioner, all the way back to Minnesota where he learned to break coconuts with his bare hands. He has also trained at the Minnesota Martial Art's Academy and many other schools in the metro area in pursuit of more knowledge. In his earlier years, before he started Martial Arts, he also studied American Boxing at the Legendary Burnette's Gym in St. Paul, and still practices and teaches the techniques he learned. He pushes himself to the max, and expects the same from his workout partners.

Everything we do is straightforward an presented in Lehman's terms so everyone can understand it, and the environment is non-intimidating and we are accepting to all person's from all walks of life, regardless of age, race, creed, religion, political leanings, etc. (though you will be expected to keep any beliefs to Yourself regarding politics, religion, or sex when working out here.)

We have the the belief that taking the best form and techniques from an assortment of styles and incorporating all of them into a workout is the best way to get a complete workout. There are over 600 muscles in the human body and we try to work out just about every single one during the course of an average workout rather than just working out the ones that are seen most prominently-for that leads to imbalance's in the body, and that is not a goal one should ever strive for. To maintain a good center and be able to move in all directions equally is a worthy pursuit, both physically and metaphorically, and training here will help towards that.

We are always seeking knowledge and trying out new techniques, movement, strikes, form, breathing, stretching, etc. from a multitude of styles, then bringing them into our workouts when we are confident that they are helpful in some area.

Everyone who trains here loses weight very quickly, and builds strength, speed, power, balance, flexibility, hand/eye & foot/eye coordination on an exponential basis, week by week, especially in the first few weeks. Life is enjoyed much better as a result of pushing ourselves and there is no greater reliever of stress than punching the mitts, thai pads, and/or heavy bags, (in my opinion) and by the time we leave class, we feel so great, no matter how bad we felt walking in, and that is a result of a great workout and the endorphins and good vibes that come with a great workout. There aren't many things You can do for exercise that will burn more calories per hour than an intense martial arts session (do Your own research and see) besides maybe swimming. I am confident there is NOTHING You can do that will give you such a well rounded workout this efficiently. Again, I have practiced most every sport out there, and tried most every workout, and I always come back to Martial Arts as the best way to improve oneself. Having the collective energy of other's adds to the energy level of any workout as well, and that is another reason to work out with others rather than hiding in the corner of a gym all by Your lonesome exercising with improper form. Some can find motivation without the help of others, and I am one, but I also find that I can never equal the motivational energy that I encounter when working with others in a martial arts setting.

Also, for all You women out there that want to get rid of waist fat, there is no better fat dissipater of love handles then practicing kicks-the fat gets kicked right off the sides, and we also do abdominals each night at the end of class just to tax those abdominals to the nth degree.

There are obvious and apparent consequences for a such a drastic change in lifestyle from the way the average human being used to live just a hundred years ago. We went from having to forage and grown our own food, to having to do nothing but extend a limp, pasty hand (one repetition) through a car window to reach for a steaming bag of shit at a drive-thru that provides nothing but space for our all ready overly enlarged stomachs..All in about a hundred year time period this has happened, and the consequences of such a sedentary lifestyle is 1 in 3 children being born in the U.S. have diabetes in the Year 2000-and it is skyrocketing upward as I type this now. Nutrition is a definite culprit, but if You eat like crap AND don't exercise You might want to start writing that will. Remember we are what we eat...so let us cut down on the swine consumption. Just to give You an idea of how badly skewed the American diet is towards meat consumption take a look at this telling stat from Howard Lyman's "Mad Cowboy".."The average American gets 70% of their protein from animal sources. The average Chinese gets only 7% of their protein through animal sources." Is it any wonder, this country has never been in sadder shape? I could go on forever with stats like that, but You will have to attend a workout to hear them.

There are plenty of excuses people will make and use as a crutch for their bad habits-like bad genetics, or whatever the illegitimate excuse may be...but statistically only about 1 in 10,000 people can claim the fat gene or slow metabolism and actually be stating a fact-the truth is the culprit is lack of exercise and the saddest diet humanity has ever known..SO the next time someone tells you they have a slow metabolism, take the cheeseburger out of their mouth and replace it with knowledge acquired through books like "Mad Cowboy", "Fast Food Nation", "Animal Factory", "The Omnivores Dilemmna" and others..If they are still too delusional and stubborn send them over to the Dojo-I will debunk every excuse they have through acquired knowledge, statistics, cold hard facts, and personal experience, (in a less aggressive manner than I am presenting the argument here.)

Also, the dependence on Western Medicine in this country has gotten to a level of comical ineptitude that may be looked back on in a hundred years as the saddest and lowest point of human existence regarding nutrition. The way we treat maladies is so irresponsible and unethical. Everything seems to be designed to maximize profits for drug companies, and create a reliance for drugs that those same companies have a proprietary monopoly on. It seems most doctors nowadays are just whore's for pharmaceutical companies-peddling whatever the latest drug is to trusting, unsuspecting individuals, instead of recommending what I believe to be Nature's Cure All......EXERCISE! I have personally not had health insurance since June of 2000-over 10 years ago, and I have been sick exactly one time-a period that coincided with when I stopped practicing martial arts and exercising as a result of breaking the fifth metatarsal in my foot. I also gained over 20 pounds in that 2 month time period. But I never blamed genetics for the newfound fat around my stomach and brain, rather I drew a common sense correlation and made a vow to preach what I know to be true.

So remember, the first class is Free, and You are encouraged to bring loose fitting comfortable clothing-You have nothing to lose but fat, erroneous beliefs, bad habits and sweat!

Nutritional advice and philosophy come free with every class unfortunately ; )

"Change must come from within..but it won't come without exercising mind and body."

-Nick

Instructor Nick finding his center atop a Stability Ball:

Postseason Fantasy Football Awards

2010-12-28T16:48:00.000-08:00

I write annual awards for my fantasy football league at the conclusion of the season, and since most players in the league are out of the playoffs, only 3 or 4 people ever read them. So I figured I would post them on here and try and double that number. I happened to have won this year, and shortly after winning I wrote up the awards, so they are infused with the giddy superiority involved in a fantasy bowl victory, making them some of the best yet. My team name was Bob Wiley.

Here they are:

Postseason Fantasy Awards

Thumb Sitter Award

Eastside Eelpout - You drafted a magnificent team, especially a strong stable of running backs, and probably could have traded one for a Top 15 WR early in the year when their value was at their peak. However, you didn't seem to realize you could only start 2 RB's each week, and as the weeks went on, your thumb became more and more swollen..

By the time the trade deadline approached the thumb had grown so much it reached the cerebral cortex and caused it to offer Terrel Owens to Bob Wiley for Adrian Peterson.

Soon after, there was a spectacular explosion at the exact moment Steve Johnson dropped a sure touchdown pass-proof that the thumb had exploded with such force that it altered one of your players actions in a football game a thousand miles away.

When Steve Johnson was questioning God after the game for making him drop the pass, he was actually blaming the thumb, but he only has a 3rd grade education so he confused the two...

Rabbit's Foot Award

NovaKane - On paper your team stank, and look destined to earn a bottom seed next to Bus Stop Bitches, but through strength of schedule (or lack thereof) you managed to luck your way into the #1 spot, by facing everyone on their worst week, eventually advancing to the toilet bowl where luck ran out and your team was exposed for what it was, scoring 21 points. The toilet bowl was fitting as your team was shit covered, metaphorically speaking all season, and Ginger Kid Killers fittingly flushed your team down the toilet once and for all.

We have seen you draft some strong teams in the past, but this year surely wasn't one of them..

Marty Morneiwig Award (Worst Coach)

Ell Pollo Loco - You had a record of 5-3. You were in first place (or close enough.) Your team looked formidable.. Then, inexplicably you stopped paying attention to your roster, and your team lost SEVEN IN A ROW TO END THE SEASON! You could been a contender..but instead were a martyr for fantasy ineptitude the world over.

Honorable Mention:

Whitey's World - On paper a great team, but when the injury bug hit, so did fantasy team faith, and both went quietly into the night around week 3, leaving Commissioner Bob Wiley to tend to a neglected roster.

Reading the Fantasy Cheat Sheet Upside Down Award

Luckydevils - It has been said it is sometimes better to be lucky than smart, but in the case of this particular draft you were neither.

Each and every week your team did it's best to show it wasn't qualified to be a contender, and by the end of the year, no one needed convincing.

Hopefully, next year, Brett Favre will retire to save you from drafting him in round 2, but even if that does happen, there is still a possibility that you will draft Elizabeth Hassleback..

Therefore I recommend buying a CURRENT draft book, and paging through it at least once before committing to Fred Lane as your starting RB.

Rookie of the Year
Trachea Twisters - Surely it wasn't your first football draft, but with this league it was, and the fantasy football elders were impressed with your not going strictly by the book when picking players and at the same time finding gems that in hindsight were proof of good prognostication skills (Mike Wallace-who woulda thunk it.)

Sure, you got screwed by bad luck (second most points scored against you overall), and Chris Johnson ran towards the end of the season like he had been assaulted in the showers by the Titan's defensive line after dropping the soap....but overall you should have made the playoffs, and if not for lady luck deciding to whore for someone else instead, (first name's Nova) you would have reached the promised land.

Honorable Mention:

Romperstompers - Initially I had concerns that someone with hints of white supremacy in their name could co-exist with such a multicultured league, but after you and Brian T. batted your eyes at each other during the draft, and the fumes of jungle fever made themselves known (sea salt and watermelon mixed together) I knew there would be no issues. That is unless you include the issue of you attempting to vie for supremacy in the standings against Bob Wiley. You won the battle, I won the war, but we both likely have small penises so in the end neither is victorious.

Worst Scheduling Luck

Bus Stop Bitches - You finished with 22 less points than NovaKane overall on the season, yet there you sit like a diseased hooker in Cambodia waiting for the last dance with Gary Glitter.

A 22 point difference on the season yet he is in 1st and you are in 10th place.

Had you drafted anyone but Stephen Jackson third overall, you would probably be in the money this week, and treating Steve to a nice meal at the 90's..

Doesn't really matter in the end though, as you and Steve split everything evenly anyway.

Vince Lombardi Award

Bob Wiley - Sure you had an excellent roster, that showed extraordinary prognostication skills, but it was the decisions you made on a week to week basis that cemented your legacy as coach of the year. With the competition the way it was, there weren't many mistakes that could be made, and there weren't, as evidenced by 7 wins in a row to end the season, and the first 12 man championship in the league's existence. Only a handful of mistakes were made when looking back the day after all the games had ended, something that couldn't be said in other years. You magnificent bastard!

Paper Champions Award
Ask Don Frye - Looking at your team on paper before the season started, (Jamaal Charles, Aaron Rodgers, Vernon Davis, Ryan Mathews) I was not looking forward to the prospect of playing you. In fact, I was sure you would make the playoffs, as I also had Jamaal Charles highly rated (ask Spanks) and figured Ryan Mathews would do at least above average in that offense. I also thought V-Jax would explode as soon as he got back.

Little did I know my fears would be unfounded many weeks later as I won the saddest match in the history of fantasy football winning 45-40 in a game that made the toilet bowl look glamorous..

Looking at that team on paper it seems everybody decided to have a good game at a different week during the season, and they just couldn't fire on all cylinders at the same time, which is another reason I say fantasy football is largely luck, as that same crap happened to me one too many times the past few years.

Sherdog Forums-Worst Place on the Internet?

2010-11-22T15:31:00.000-08:00

I every so often (much less than in past years) visit Sherdog.com as it used to be a great place to get up to date information on the world of mixed martial arts. They were one of the first successful MMA sites as far as I know, and their webpage layout, forums, and articles (though poorly written by Sherdog writers who read the thesaurus upside down) kept me coming back for my MMA news and information, even as the site gradually got worse and worse, right around the time the first Griffin/Bonnar fight ended.

For those who don't know the Griffin/Bonnar fight is thought by some to be the MMA equivalent of Frazier/Ali. Unfortunately, the people who have this opinion have little knowledge of mixed martial arts.

Essentially the fight was 3 rounds of the two B level tomato cans punching each other stupid, and inebriated viewers loved the blood that followed. Neither was skilled or talented enough to defend each other's strikes, and neither hit hard enough to knock one another out, so for 3 rounds they circled each other, punching each other in the brain, and bloodying each other up until they both looked like hitchhikers five minutes after getting picked up by Jason Voorhees. To the delight of human nature, who loves a good car accident and the blood that follows, a new sport was introduced to the masses. When that fight ended, so did the sanctity of Sherdog, as the collective intelligence quota of the message boards was cut in half. The reason? An influx of simians from all crawls of life, including trailer parks, prisons, and Jeff Foxworthy shows simultaneously discovered mixed martial arts and figured out how to use the internet and took their talents directly to Sherdog. Fans of nascar and pro wrestling soon followed, and eventually everyone who had ever been on Jerry Springer was a fan and daily contributor to insightful pieces of wisdom such as, "im having troubles forgiving myself, but if you watched jersey shore and how situation kissed that tranny, you just gotta move on breh." Now the forums have degenerated into an environment that mimics that of a third world prison and a room full of kindergartens that haven't ate all day. Instead of philosophizing about the current state of mixed martial arts, or what future MMA fight might be, the discussions can be as diverse as the size of one members member, to the favorite sexual positions of Brock Lesnar and Jose Aldo, were they to date. Usually though its a debate about who the best fighter is in a given weight, over and over again, and in place of logical points made as to why someone feels a certain way, the conversations usually devolve into a insult contest about whose mother has slept with more canines. Below I have listed some adverse effects that may occur, should you ever enter the netherworld that is Sherdumb.

Adverse Effects of Reading or Participating in Sherdumb Forums

Loss of Native Language
Some of the posters have spent so much time on Sherdumb, they have actually devolved, and started to speak in another language..case in point: "oh hai look guyzz i mades a post on torrent site aint i cool thxbai. Jeez, get a life loser" -loke76

Patriotism

Some members feel the need to show patriotism for their country, usually by bashing another's. This usually happens when a fighter has no visible faults except being born outside of their native country (usually America.) Case in point: "wow.. look at this queer's location. Why am i not suprised. Im not listening to a word a guy says that puts big fat canadain bacon in his mouth. aka GSP" -HoTT SaUcE

Giving Nonsensical Excuses for a Favorite Fighter Losing

"As for why GSP beat BJ so badly? Lots of reasons. BJ gave a lot of them. He trained too hard. Dana's lack of faith hurt his sleep. GSP is a cheater. GSP uses steroids. Primetime interfered. The NSAC didn't warn him. Kizer is the scum of the earth. Zahabi is a f@ggot. Dieath wouldn't come." -doywanna

Becoming a Gossip
Here is the TMZ version of Sherdumb, where posters postulate about what Chuck Liddell's trousers might smell like after a fight, or the rehabilitative powers of the ring girls boobies: "Arianny definitely had another boob job before the Playboy shoot. In the pics, they look stiff and haven't 'settled' yet. Don't know about Chandella.." -frenzy

Religion
Defending a fighter like he is a deity is common in Sherdog, and often members will come to blows via typing on their computer with the same pressure they would use when slap fighting their grandmother for taking their computer privileges away. Case in point: "name one example of how GSP is a better striker. BJ finishes with strikes, GSP does not. Strikes are NOT about points, they are about effectiveness. BJ is CLEARLY the better striker. He murders people with strikes. And yes, we are talking standing...which point being, BJ is better in the top game." -positive balance (one of the stupidest members of the Sherdumb forums as well as the human race.)

Sometimes, if a fan's deity forsakes them, they will question their faith: "I hope BJ stops fighting. Much props to Frankie, but that was a sorry state of affairs. BJ might want to be a fighter at this point, and more power to him, but that was pathetic against a guy he's way better than. New Frankie fan, always a BJ fan, but if you're not gonna try BJ, don't put us through this shit supporting you. Word to BJ and word to Frankie." -positive balance (once again)

Charlatanism

Most anything you read on the Sherdumb forums, will have a hint of it, if not being the main ingredient for whatever verbal shit they are serving up.

Some Random Pieces of Wisdom Plucked from the Sherdumb Forums

"I hope anderson gets ktfo by vitor and then woke up by soares only to find out he shit himself."

-mmafanallday

“He’s a fraud. He likes to get in the ring and bow. He’s not from a bowing culture. If you go to Brazil and bow, somebody is gonna hit you over the head and take your wallet."

-Ogami

"well he should really kill himself for being the most overrated poster in this board. lol at him thinkin toney had a real chance. lol at bj." -wolverinejoe800

"The real question is does it make the penis size increase as well, and if so just the head or the shaft and balls as well?

And the other question is could it make a JewFro like Kos has grow like it does.? Hmmmm?

If yes, where can I get some. Hells yeah." -little_jerm