Toe nail dirt

New Wigan to Pyongyang train has brought an immigration crisis to the seclusive Democratic People's Republic of Korea (News Dump submission #3)

2022-04-29T05:01:00.010-07:00

Top government officials are worried that a migrant caravan from impoverished nations may soon push the communist infrastructure to breaking point as a Wigan to Pyongyang train line has been established. Wiganites are expected to line the entire train, even the roofs, as they desperately seek better economic prospects. Leaving Wigan station with only a pie barm and a can of Vimto, they will set across to London where they will not be allowed to leave the train.

Once into mainland Europe they go to Paris, in which the train will be secluded from the outside world in fear that if the Wiganites see any art it will cause a dramatic frenzy in the northerners, first confusing, then enraging them as they try to find any purpose in something that is purely aesthetic

DPRK officials are concerned that the Wiganites won't be able to culturally integrate “How can these people think they'll be able to live here? We all have jobs, whether we want them or not.” stated Zhu Jishen “That kind of culture shock can kill someone, we only kill people on purpose”

“I had a fruit last year, don't they think that kind of nutritional difference will hurt them?” Zhu went on to say “They just haven't thought this through”

Terry Shawcross who has purchased a ticket on the Wigan to Pyongyang train said he was hopeful to find a better life in the DPRK “It's just whippets as far as the eye can see around here, there's no future. I used to sell second hand heroin needles but no one can afford that anymore”

Critics of this migrant caravan on a train say that while it is to follow the Trans-Siberian, the migrants should be accepted into other countries before they reach the DPRK. “Other countries should shoulder the burden, they are passing through seven different countries! Mongolia should at least take a train car worth of them”

Officials in Mongolia simply stated that they were full up

North Korean charity organisation, Really Red Cross, are more optimistic for the north western migrants. “We should care for people in worse circumstances than we are, just because they weren't as lucky to born in the Democratic People's Republic of Korea doesn't mean they shouldn't strive for more. We plan on training the Wiganites to write fake news for our Russian friends”

Whether this will mean new life for people leaving Wigan or even further disaster for the DPRK who are still recovering from Kim Il-Sung meeting President Trump, only time will tell.

The people of Guyana have been celebrating for weeks since it was discovered that their country sits upon an enormous oil reserve (News Dump submission #2)

2022-04-29T05:00:00.004-07:00

Since discovering their impending wealth, Guyanese people have been celebrating by building a wall around their border. Despite still being South America’s second poorest nation, the hypothetical wealth that they know is bubbling under their feet has caused a strange upsurge in nationalism and conservatism.

Two months ago Amir, 23, was working as a receptionist on a beachfront hotel, now he patrols the border. “This is our country and I have to keep out the undesirables. I think the Mormons are trying to take over” he stated, despite being originally from Honduras.

Another surprising trend in the Guyanese is the upsurge in vajazlling as money hungry economic migrants from essex come in search of work. Tonya, 48, originally from Canvey island came to Guyana recently in search of prosperity, despite the fact the actual prosperity hasn’t arrived yet. “A Vajazzle is a piece of art and when you’re an artist, you work with what you’ve got. I used precious stones back in Essex but we’re not at that level yet so we make do with broken glass.”

In unrelated news, President Trump has vowed to bring democracy to Guyana

“We have to save the Guyanese and the Galanese people from this cruel dictatorship” Stated Trump in a four am tweet spree “Too long Guyana has suffered, SAD! and America needs to bring it the sweet taste of freedom” despite the fact that Guyana held free and fair elections overseen by past US president Jimmy Carter in 1992

Arianna Yowlch, a spokesperson from the White House PR department, said “America has been having a bit of an image problem so we’re doing a greatest hits tour. Guyana will be part of our ‘noughties’ tour in which we liberate them we the full might of the US army under command of General Britney Spears.”

The aircraft carrier USS Dick Cheney (sponsored by Starbucks) is currently loading up for a short but eventful freedom tour. When asked about her expectations for the invasion, General Spears growled “They will feel our full mighty liberating force, they’ll love us!”

News Dump have tried contacting the University of Doncaster’s history department for comment but the sounds of wailing broke our dictaphone

The House of Commons got a surprise yesterday when Extinction Rebellion organised a semi nude protest from the public gallery. (News Dump submission #1)

2022-04-29T04:58:00.003-07:00

MPs never thought they'd get to waste tax payer money to see naked flesh without paying a mistress first

The Extinction Rebellion protest was designed to highlight the issue of the climate crisis but little did they know that the House of Commons has a strong history of ignoring the bare naked truth

Statisticians analysed the event and found that the chance of bollocks in the house of Commons increased by only 3%

Ed Milliband was seen observing the protest in confusion and mild disgust, much the same way that he approaches a bacon sandwich

With climate change raising the average temperature of the planet, experts say that nakedness in the House of Commons would become commonplace, in which case a global Apocalypse suddenly seems much more welcoming

The insanity of the British

2013-05-31T15:32:00.001-07:00

I've recently come up with a theory.

It is that the British are, as a nation, insane.

It starts in the 19th century, when the British were so repressed that sexuality and emotion were things that were whispered in the dark. At the start of the 20th century, sea side acts were release valves for the mounting wave.

But then the two world wars happened, and something in the British psyche snapped. Part of kept on being repressed, the other part went insane. We had spike Milligan and the goons, then monty python, moving onto things like the Young Ones, then the more modern Mighty Boosh. All examples of British comedic eccentricity that hasn't left us since.

Complete Disclaimer

2012-08-02T18:15:00.000-07:00

So if you follow this blog. Which if you follow my twitter account @stueymon or have me on facebook, I would hope you do. I have recently decided to put most of my university writings onto my blog.

A large majority of it is written in scripts, a lot of it is badly written. If you want to read it. go ahead, No apologies for content or quality from here-on!

Highway to Hull

2012-08-02T18:10:00.001-07:00

Johnny Ramtops is bored; working at safe way on the till he is bored out of his mind and barely putting in the effort to move one item across the scanner to the next. He is wearing the typical Safeways uniform, his head is shaved and there are holes in his face where his piercings have been taken out. He is halfway through scanning a customer’s shopping his phone goes off to the first bunch of bars of “Don’t Fear the Reaper” (Blue Oyster Cult) and he picks it up, completely disregarding the customer -in front of him. He answers and starts talking to his best friend Dante Weatherblack-StormRaven, to which Johnny answers the phone saying “Hi Frank” Dante berates him and asks him to use his Goth name instead of his normal name. Johnny apologises to Dante and asks what is going on. Dante asks if Johnny wants to go to the Rock Bottom, the best rock club in their small town of Stockton-upon-the-sea and if he fancies meeting their mutual friend and fuck-up Edgar. Johnny considers this for a moment and after debating the factor he’s been out the previous three nights, he decides to go for it. After all it’s only a Monday!

Dante is lying in his black bedroom on his black bed sheets when he gets off the phone to Johnny. He gets up to put on his black shoes when he trips up over them, hidden by the black carpet and sighs. Muttering about how hard it is to be Goth and his mum wearing a flowery apron asks if he’d like any tea. After accepting the Tea his mum asks if he’s going to his job as a night time shelf stocker at the local Asda, Dante explains that he cant be arsed at the moment and he’s going out with his friends instead, after a brief worried expression from his mum she soon accepts this fate and says she’ll iron his black shirts. Dante Calls up Edgar Hugh Warner who is also at work and after a few brief rings he gets through to Edgar. Dante has trouble speaking to him and the Conversation is interceded with the occasional short sharp squeak, Eventually Edgar goes where he can talk clearer and explains that all the rats he caught his afternoon have to be killed manually because they’ve run out of poison. Dante Groans at this news and simply asks him if he is still up for going to Rock Bottom tonight. Edgar confirms he is still going out and ends the call with a protracted and long screech of RAAAWWWKKK. Dante is left rubbing a finger around his ear.

Later they all meet up at the Bucket and Puke Pub where Edgar and Dante are sat at a table, both with drinks and a copy of Metal Hammer open on the table, When Johnny arrives at the table they start discussing all the year’s gigs. Edgar is excited about Rage against the Machine playing Leeds after being broken up for years, Where as Dante talks excitedly about Download and how Entombed are supporting Cradle of Filth. Johnny Peruses the list and sighs whimsically , and starts talking about how Ozzfest hasn’t been in Britain for years, Flicking over the pages that contain details of the extensive list rock legends being head-lined by Ozzy Ozbourne that played last year. Edgar points out the Club has been open for ten minutes and they quickly down their pints and head out to the club.

Once inside the club, Dante and Edgar head to the dance floor while Johnny goes to the bar for more drink, looking pensive, he defiantly has something on his mind. Johnny walks forcefully to the dance floor and goes to speak to Dante about going to a festival, whereas Dante says that none of them make enough more to drink regularly and go to a festival. Johnny grumbles and walks off in a mood. He walks to the bar and proceeds to get horrendously drunk, and while Dante and Edgar and drunk too, very drunk in fact, but Johnny’s drunkenness even worries them. And then calamity strikes when an obese rocker with a Metallica T-shirt barely covering his stomach mounts the raised stage. Like Moses parting the Red Sea the crowd knows the inevitable next series of events, All except for one, While Johnny is head banging as hard as he can, he looks up just in time too see the fat rocker block out the lights above him and then he is crushed with an almighty crunch. Dante and Edgar are looking on with shock at the spot where their best friend used to be. The Obese rocker gets up painfully and staggers off to the bar unaware while Johnny lays on the floor, bent and unconscious. Thankfully the bar staff have seen this happen far too often and have called an Ambulance already while Dante and Edgar try to get a response from Johnny.

Johnny is in darkness when he starts to hear the strum of guitar, then the drums and soon the song starts to come together. AC-DC’s “Highway to Hell” is playing while he finds himself sitting in what looks like a very plush waiting room with a reception that has no receptionist. There are pictures on the walls. Johnny stands easily, like he was never hurt at all and looks at the pictures of Freddie Mercury, Jimi Hendrix, Phil Lynott and Ian “Lemmy” Kilmister with a TBC under his name. Johnny gives a shudder when the door to the office opens by itself and Johnny Reluctantly walks through and sat in the chair is Elton John. Johnny asks him what Elton John is doing here, and in fact, what he himself is doing there. Elton explains that he isn’t really Elton John, but the devil, and that he chose the image of Elton John to put Johnny at ease with his current situation.

The Devil explains that Johnny is dead, or nearly dead, and that the Devil will bring him back if he gets to keep his soul, Johnny is reluctant and so the Devil offers him a bet, that if he cant make it to Ozzfest within the year he’ll take his soul and his life, if Johnny does make it to Ozzfest he will keep his soul and he will live a long life. Johnny hesitates and eventually signs the contract and as soon as he does everything for him fades away.

Johnny wakes up in the Ambulance with Dante sat with him next to him humming “Kick Start my Heart” by Mötley Crüe. Dante notices that Johnny is awake and tells him that he’s being taken to the hospital for concussion and that Edgar is behind in his car, then Dante gets a text on his phone and shrugs, saying that Edgar is already there, wondering where they are. Johnny explains his encounter with the devil and how he has to get too Ozzfest within the year. Dante cringes and pulls out his copy of Metal Hammer and shows Johnny the back advert with the last day of Ozzfest is in 1day in Hull! Dante explains he only recently found out himself and since they’ve already sold out he didn’t think it worth mentioning. Johnny groans at this news and faints.

Johnny and Dante end up meeting Edgar just outside accident and emergency and take Johnny to a bed. While he recovers with a glass of orange juice, Johnny and Dante relay to Edgar Johnny’s near-devil experience. After Edgar is initially sceptical he accepts that they have to get tickets to Ozzfest, three of course because none of them want to miss it, even if it is a quest to save Johnny’s soul. Dante suggests looking on Ebay because people always wait to the last minute to sell for the highest Price. Johnny sighs and wonders where they can all get that money when Edgar grumbles that he’d been saving for a high definition television. Johnny grins and thanks him, promising to pay him back.

After leaving the hospital with Johnny, He and Dante get into Edgar’s car, an old Mini Countryman, which he lovingly calls Alice, in the early hours of the morning, all of them absolutely tired beyond belief but with a mission in their mind. They reach Dante’s home and the three of them very slowly walks across Dante’s entirely black room, trying not to trip up on any hidden objects. They log onto Ebay on Dante’s computer and search for Ebay tickets, they find one with some left, but for him to post them in time he would have to send it a week ago. So they contact the tout and arrange to go and buy the tickets off him personally. In Manchester.

The three of them hop into Edgar’s car, and set off down the motorway in speeds that would be dangerous, but Edgar’s car could just reach enough speed to get onto the motorway as long as there isn’t a wind blowing in the opposite direction and they go to Manchester.

The trio pull up on Oxford road in Manchester, having to arranged to meet the tout in a pub called the Salisbury. Johnny and Dante get out refreshed having slept most of the way; they leave Edgar to catch up on some sleep. They meet the tout outside the pub about midday and he’s sat at a table without a drink and it soon becomes obvious why, he can barely pass for sixteen, let alone drinking age. Johnny and Dante sit down with the tout, and start talking prices, the tout immediately asks them to get him a cider and Johnny begrudgingly agrees to get him a drink while Dante deals with him. The dealing starts to take a while and a quite a few drinks are drunk, then the tout realises how desperate they are, and decides that he wants Edgar’s car Alice. Johnny and Dante look at each other with dread; Johnny goes over to Edgar and tells him what the tout wants. Edgar Vehemently refuses, telling Johnny he can have the cash but not his car. Johnny sighs and walks back towards the tout before having a cunning and not very nice plan.

Johnny tells Dante to wait with the tout and keep buying him drinks until He and Edgar get back. Johnny walks back to Edgar’s car and Johnny invites him to come for a drink in the adjoining pub, they keep drinking with Edgar drinking more and more until he passes out and Johnny is very very drunk. Johnny leaves Edgar passed out in the pub and takes the car keys out of Alice and gives them to the tout along with a large portion of money to buy the tickets. Dante and Johnny carry Edgar out of the pub and start staggering towards the train station while Dante berates Johnny. Johnny explains that he’s desperate because it’s his soul and his life at stake and Dante slowly agrees unhappily. Johnny grins slyly and pulls out his mobile phone and reports that Edgar’s car has been stolen, that they’re sorry they are already on a train out of Manchester, but will be back soon to talk to the police. Johnny gives the police Edgar’s mobile number and they give him a crime number which he notes down. After buying tickets they set off on the train to Hull. On the train when Edgar wakes up slowly and Johnny tells him that his car was stolen. Edgar makes some remarks about Manc chavs and goes back to sleep and they speed off to Hull.

When they get to Hull they immediately book themselves into a cheap hotel that would keep them and their belongings for the night before the big morning, and so in their victory they decide to head out to a pub to celebrate their clear victory. On the way to the pub Dante tries to console Edgar about the loss of his car, Edgar meanwhile keeps on giving Johnny some suspicious looks every few seconds, as if he suspects something. The trio enter a dive of a pub and the bartender gruffly serves them up some lager in dirty pint pots and some pub snacks, and the group sit down, talking excitedly about tomorrow’s festival and Johnny seems to settle down, talking about how it wasn’t so bad and though he nearly lost his soul to the devil, at least it finally got them out of Stockton to see a proper gig. Edgar mumbles about it costing him his soul and he wanders off from Johnny and Dante. Johnny turns to Dante and asks him what the problem is, and Dante explains that Edgar is upset about losing his car, but thinks he’ll be fine in the morning once they get there. Dante and Johnny agree to leave him be for a moment, and after a while of drinking, they notice Edgar is in the arms of a less than attractive woman, flirting heavily and soon enough they go to leave, Edgar stops by the table explaining he’s turning in early for a night and leaves with a large drunken grin.

Later that night, Johnny and Dante return to the room and knock loudly, there’s no answer but the door slides open, Edgar is laying in a drunken sleep on his stomach naked. The room is a complete mess and Johnny and Dante fall asleep on the couch and spare bed respectively. The next morning they awake too late and have to rush off on the bus to Ozzfest but finally they can see the gates of freedom and Rock. Inside they can already here bands playing and the cheers of thousands of people, it is less like a festival than a city devoted to the art of rock, and they turn to the lines and see they seem to stretch on forever. Edgar says he recognises one of the women in the queue a bit ahead of them but says nothing more on the matter until they see the woman ahead pass ahead three tickets for her and her mates and starts laughing in the trio’s direction, giving them the V’s and such. Edgar turns pale and asks Dante to check his trench coat where he was keeping the tickets. Of course they are missing and despair falls upon Johnny, who lashes out at Edgar for being driven by his penis rather by the love of rock, and who snaps back, knowing that he sold his car Alice to the tout in Manchester and storms off before Johnny is allowed to explain.

Despondently Dante and Johnny sit down in the car park and Johnny gives a quiet sob, knowing that his life is almost up. Dante uncomfortably pats him on the back trying to comfort him. Johnny complains that he’s not only lost his soul and his life but also one of his best friends. Just then Elton John (the real one) pulls up in a flash looking car and but starts to ask where the VIP parking is, but before he can get out the sentence Johnny punches him hard until he’s unconscious. Thankfully they are out of the eyes of security, Johnny mumbles an apology to the real Elton, about thinking he was the devil. Edgar walks back with a sad smile on his face; he says he just got a call off the Manchester police about his car. Johnny explains he did sell it, but reported it stolen as soon as he did anyway for two reasons, to get the car back and to teach the greedy tout a lesson. Edgar and Johnny give each other a warm hug, then get embarrassed and turn it into a manly hug. Johnny sighs again, exasperated that he’s still doomed, when Edgar suggests they force their way in with Elton John’s car. Johnny and Dante look at each other, and Dante suggests that jail for three is better than Hell for one and they load up into the car and drive through the chain link fence into a Henna stall. The three jump out of the car and run off to be lost in the crowd, Johnny is exhilarated with the security chasing after him; it doesn’t matter now because he made it inside, no matter what he would live on with his soul.

The End.

The Most Wanted Man in the World

2012-08-02T18:09:00.001-07:00

My eyes focus on a golden glow of a glass of whiskey that’s far too much ice in it. The bartender didn’t want me falling around drunk which I think is a bit cheap of him considering this is my first drink. I raise my weary head to look at him through a thin veil of smoke, the barely perceptible monsters fading in and out of old cigarette smoke distorts his already porcine face. Beady eyes glaring at me as though he didn’t want customers in his dive of a bar.

My back aches and cracks as I sit up straight. Too much time leaning on the bar trying to gather my thoughts and gather the courage to venture into the open world. While I stretch my back out, I survey the bar to see if anything had changed during my deep introspection. I’m sat at the bar of a dive that can barely call itself a drinking establishment, yet for some reason this dive seems to attract all the kids of the area. As you try to look across the room, hideous monsters and spectral figures emerge from old cigarette remains and are illuminated by halogen lighting, Which doesn’t truly serve to illuminate but only make the shadows of the bar deeper which the occasional clarity of harsh light.

To my right there’s ugly couple who look like their fucking each other with their eyes and they’re not shy about it either, When I turn my back to look behind me there’s a man pale and gaunt as death, with his eyes fierce as hell itself holding a bunch of flowers. Flowers I thought, Why does a man so disgusting as him carry flowers?

This thought alone spurred me to leave as quickly as possible. I stand far too quickly and an alien screech draws every eye in the pub to me like a spotlight of a third world execution. I draw my coat around me and leave, the treacle floor trying to keep me stuck there under the glare of those I hate.

I breach the door and walk up a multitude of steps only to gaze at a dark orange sky dirty with sin and plagued with the blemishes of dark buildings. Darkness that used to be held by sky now only seeks refuge in alleyways, hiding from the all-pervasive tainted light of the city.

I take a left and walk down a barren street of mirrors, claiming that same amount of orange darkness that the sky reluctantly accepts. Bright flashes of light from my right only serve to make the surrounding darkness more perceptible and daunting to me. The countless numbers of people around me seem faceless as I continue home.

Genesis

2012-08-02T18:07:00.001-07:00

1 EXT. UNDERNEATH A BRIDGE OVER A CANAL. NIGHT 0300 1

An albino woman’s naked body washes up against the embankment, she is face first in the water, and a woman unseen sees the body and screams.

2 EXT. UNDERNEATH A BRIDGE OVER A CANAL. NIGHT 0430 2

The Albino woman is now covered with a white sheet and the scene is illuminated with blue and white flashing lights, there is a number of police milling around the area in white hazardous material suits picking up all kinds of forensic evidence inside a cordon-off the area with police tape. Outside the area, HARRY BANTER, a short balding man with a moustache is rubbing his chin, looking upset and clearly in deep thought. A friendly voice knocks him out of his deep thoughts.

SUZANNE

Harry! What’s the score here? What was so important that I had to be prised out of bed?

SUZANNE SHIERS is a small dark haired woman who walks with more power and confidence than is expected for her size. She looks young compared to her partner.

HARRY looks to his partner with an ashen face, takes a deep breath.

HARRY

This woman was found an hour and a half ago by a local. There’s no clothes or items in the area, it seems she was dumped here not long ago because she’s recently dead… and I’d say she was dumped not too long before she was found… We’ve got no idea who she is…

SUZANNE sighs irritably, ignorant of her partner’s obvious worry.

SUZANNE

Well get her finger prints to the lab and...

HARRY cuts her off.

HARRY

There are none.

SUZANNE

What?! No one took any yet? Christ do I have to do

HARRY cuts her off again

HARRY

There ARE none… she doesn’t have fingerprints.

SUZANNE looks confused

SUZANNE

What? You mean they were scrubbed off or burnt off. What about her teeth or DNA?

HARRY paces up and down, anxiety getting the grip of him

HARRY

No Suzy…She HAS no fingerprints, her fingers are fine but for… for some damn reason she just doesn’t have any! Her teeth are like children’s milk teeth and her blood sample….Well; I’d hesitate to even call it blood…

SUZANNE mouth drops open slightly, a number of forensics are now looking over at the attention drawn by HARRY’S outburst.

HARRY

Her blood was clear…like water… I’ve never seen anything like this… If she’s human I wouldn’t like to say, there is a blunt trauma against her head so it’s defiantly murder… but whether it’s murder of a person or… or a thing I don’t know.

SUZANNE walks over to the body, ducking up the police tape and pulls the sheet off the body, the pale white eyes stare into nothing.

SUZANNE

My god, what have we found?

SUZANNE takes a deep breath and covers the body again, then turns to all the assembled force.

SUZANNE

Right everyone! I want every flat with a view of this area and the surrounding streets knocked on, if people have seen anything, and I mean anything! If a blind man heard a mouse sneeze I want to know, and I want to know it yesterday!

The assembled police spur into a faster gear of action as someone properly takes charge.

TITLE SEQUENCE.

3 INT. FORENSICS LAB MORNING 0730 3

JOHNATHEN IRAZ stands taller than most of his peers and his white lab coat doesn’t fit him that well while he works on the albino woman’s body, is scraping out the fingernails for dirt and HARRY and SUZANNE walk into the room. The room is brightly lit with halogen bulbs in some areas and others darker, as the two approach the operating table, HARRY is the first to speak up.

HARRY

Found anything yet Johnny?

JOHNATHON

Well, you were right; this certainly is an odd case. (BEAT) The body, despite looking like a twenty-year-old woman, is in pristine condition.

SUZANNE butts in

SUZANNE

What’s wrong with that?

JOHNATHON grins darkly

JOHNATHON

If I were to cut you open right now, we could guess you age by the deterioration in your organs because, as the old cliché goes, once you’re born your start dying.

SUZANNE blushes slightly, her authority in this situation taken away from her. HARRY smiles at this.

SUZANNE

I see, Carry on…

JOHNATHON

All of this woman’s organs look like they’ve never even been used; if I were a little more macabre (BEAT, IN WHICH JOHNATHON SMILES DARKLY FOR A BRIEF MOMENT) I would say that she’d be worth millions on the black market. You don’t get adult organs in this condition.

The three look at each other, mulling this over, then HARRY turns to JOHNATHON

HARRY

So what are you saying Johnny? That we’ve got a dead woman in her twenties who never used her organs?

JOHNATHON

No, I’m saying you’ve got a woman who looks like she’s in her twenties, who was probably never alive. This isn’t the only interesting thing, I pumped her stomach and found…

JOHNATHON turns his back to HARRY and SUZANNE to show them a jar full of clear liquids.

JOHNATHON

Aside from the occasional seepage of canal water into her system, her stomach was mainly full of formaldehyde…

HARRY frowns, taking the jar and looking at it

HARRY

What, like that nutter who puts animals into big glass cases? (BEAT) Is he a suspect now?

SUZANNE

Hirst, he’s called Damien Hirst and if so, he’s taken a bizarre new twist in art.

JOHNATHON

I don’t think he’ll be winning the Turner prize for this any time soon.

4. EXT. ALLEY WAY BETWEEN FLATS, AFTERNOON. 4

HARRY and SUZANNE walk down the alley, Approaching a VAGRANT who is sat on the floor next to a uniformed police officer who is standing

SUZANNE

You’ve claimed that you saw someone carrying a large bag in the middle of the night, Correct?

The VAGRANT gives them a toothless grin

VAGRANT

Mighta’ done…

SUZANNE sighs irritably and drops a five pound note into the man’s lap

SUZANNE

That’s all you’ll get if what you don’t tell me something worthwhile

VAGRANT

Well, it were sometime of the night… I dunno what time cuz I was getting pissed, but I saw a small looking bloke… ‘E was ‘avin an ‘ard time lifting this bag as well, but you see some funny things at this time of night… never thought much of it.

The VAGRANT looks at Suzanne expectantly, yet she just looks back. The VAGRANT frowns briefly, the pipes up.

VAGRANT

Oh and it were a Chinese Feller too! I think… can’t be too sure these days.

SUZANNE nods to the man and drops a twenty pound note into his lap, then turns to HARRY

SUZANNE

Now we have something to work too, put out a search in the local area for men of East Asian descent, it’s not much, but it’s something to start on.

Escape From Malvagia

2012-08-02T18:06:00.003-07:00

Her eyes were closed as the sudden sensation often attributed to going over a hill awoke her from her sleep, this transformation into the world of the wide awake and living was fully complete by the powerful sensation of her jaw smacking off the cold tile flaw and her teeth snapping against each other.

Her eyes struggled to focus in the harsh bright light as people stumbled and tripped over her forlorn body.

Kim reached out to across the floor and dragged herself away from the cacophony of flying kicks and finally managed to adjust herself against the cold tile wall, far away from the interest of any other.

She groaned and rubbed her jaw while it throbbed painfully, she could feel miniscule chips of teeth in her mouth. Kim spat out the nuisance in her mouth along with a mixture of blood and saliva, making a stark contrast against the greying tile floor.

She stood by pushing herself against the tile wall and looked to the steel grey tram that apparently dropped her off, the last couple of passenger’s footsteps could be heard echoing down the station.

The attendants in their royal red and glamorous suits stood at each door of the tram, Kim walked closer until she could swear that she could hear the strain on the suits around their grossly fat pot-bellies.

“ ’Scuse me…. Can you tell me where I am?”

The red-faced attendant closest to hear barked his response, his beady eyes glaring at her from his behind his puffed up cheeks

“Malvagia ma’am!”

His response seemed to make him sweat, but it could have simply been the searing hot heat that was becoming apparent to her dazed sense.

“When’s the next train to Brooklyn?” Kim inquired, pulling up her greying jeans that were almost slipping off her hips.

“End of the line ma’am! Last train!”

“Well Fuck.” Kim thought, she pressed her tongue against her now faintly jagged teeth, feeling the blood run down her tongue, a headache was building against her eyes just to add to her annoyance.

She looked to the stairs and staggered up slowly, her hand gripping the rail for dear-life. When Kim reached the top of the stairs she looked around, not seeing a car all around the crowded street, an icy cold miasma was in the air, which while pressing on her face, she still felt intolerably hot. Neither of these sensations did anything to comfort against the other.

“Yo! Taxi?” she called out to the general population, but as if she didn’t even exist, not a soul bothered to look up.

She forced her way through the crowd, people bumping into from all directions, trying to avoid the not-so “stray” hand accidentally brushing her indecently.

Kim’s brain felt like it was trying to burst it’s way out of her skull; she swallowed the blood filling up in her mouth again. It seemed like a good idea to get some place to stay for the night, so reached out and grabbed a short man with a mouse-ish composure

“Hey buddy, where can I get a bed for the night?” she asked.

The man looked up slowly, his milk-bottle thick glasses making him seem like a human owl

“Mmhmm… Yes? Well I can see that…. I think books’ lets bums like you stay, now get your filthy hand off me!”

The small man wrenched himself easily out of her grip and hurried along his way

“Books huh?.. I’m guessing he don’t mean a Starbucks…” she thought.

Kim started to wander the street, trying to find whatever place in this weird town that looked like it might contain books but every other shop she came across was a hideously lit porn, booze or worse. The dark cynic in the back of her mind smirked and said, “it’s like they built a city out of a red light district”.

She sighed and rested against a busted street lamp, the light orange glow of the light was flickering on and off, making it difficult to retrieve the packet of cigarettes stuck crumpled in her pocket.

She pulled out the worryingly light packet; she frowned and closed her eyes. Kim offered a silent prayer that there would be one last precious cigarette left in the packet.

She flicked it open with her thumb and was momentarily elated to find a cig looking towards her. She eagerly pulled it out and put the other end to her lips, only to get loose tobacco falling into her mouth.

Cringing, she looked into the packet to see a pitiful filter lying in the dark pit of the packet.

“Fuck!” she screamed at the top of her lungs at the now oddly empty city street.

“Why the fuck does this goddamned shit always fucking happen to me!” She looked up at the sky and screamed “You cuntastic whore! Give me a fucking cigarette!” At which point the flickering light above her head burst out with a flash, enveloping her in darkness.

She took another deep breath to sigh, the anger rising in her chest but a feeling of cold darkness started to creep over her, the hairs on the back of her neck raised and her breath iced up in the air.

Divine Message

2012-08-02T18:05:00.002-07:00

A SUNNY ROAD BY A RIVER IN A QUIET SLEEPY COUNTRY VILLAGE. A LAZY SUMMER AFTERNOON, THE SOUND OF TRICKLING WATER CAN BE HEARD. A SANDBAG WITH THE WORD “Hello” WRITTEN IN BLACK DROPS ONTO CENTRE STAGE. AFTER 40 SECONDS, Fred WALKS ON FROM TOP RIGHT AND INSPECTS THE BAG FOR ONE MINUTE. BOB WALKS ON FROM TOP LEFT

BOB What’s that you have there Fred?

FRED I dunno Bob, it’s just a bag filled with sand.

BOB Then… why are you so interested in it yeh silly beggar?

FRED Well that’s just the thing ain’t it Bob? It just fell out of the sky and I 'aven’t got a clue where from…

BOB (Jokingly) Could be Aliens?

BOTH MEN PAUSE THEN LOOK UP AFTER 10 SECONDS

BOTH Nah…

FRED Well, as I said, it just dropped out of the sky and… ‘Ere! Bob come look ‘ave a gander at this

FRED KNEELS DOWN NEXT TO THE BAG AND POINTS TO THE “Hello” ON

FRED It says ‘Ello! That means someone meant it to be read!

BOB Are you telling me that there’s some daft bugger up there writing greetin’s on sand bags and chuckin’ ‘em out of plane windows?

FRED STANDS

FRED Well… What do you reckon it is then? And if you say aliens I’ll give yer a clip round the ear ‘ole!

BOB MUSES OVER THIS FOR A MOMENT

BOB I reckon it’s the CIA

FRED (Angrily) That’s yer answer it everythin’ yer daft sod! Always bloody Government or Aliens or JF Bloody K!

BOB NODS SAGELY

BOB The truth is out there my friend…, and its people like you keeping us enlightened ones in the dark!

FRED Lord give me strength...

FRED PAUSES AS IF JUST DAWNING ON SOMETHING

FRED Ere! Maybe that’s it?

BOB What’s it?

FRED No thanks I’ve already eaten

BOB (Frustrated) I MEAN what is it? What fantastic conclusion have you reached? Not a savoury snack!

FRED Well maybe it’s from Him?

BOB Who?!

FRED The Lord! Maybe it’s a message from god!

BOB Oh bloody hell

FRED Don’t start blaspheming in his presence!

BOB First thing chum! God is omnipresent, therefore no matter where I am, I would always be in his presence, If he exists…

FRED STARTS TOWARDS BOB ANGRILY, BOB HOLDS UP HIS HANDS

BOB Secondly, if it IS from god, then why the bloody he... (PAUSES) why on earth is he sending brief greetings on sand bags from the sky? Surely it’d be some bloke on a hill with big robes, a big beard and saying stuff like “Thou shalt” and “Behold” and whatnot?

FRED Ah (TAPS HIS NOSE) God’s way is mysterious, maybe it’s not a major prophecy, but just a gentle reminder he’s out there? Just a slight nudge saying. “Hey Fred! It’ll be alright, I’m watching out for you”

BOB Wouldn’t be nice for a bloke if that bloomin’ sandbag landed on his ‘ead… that thing’d take it clean off…

FRED That’s not really the point is it? Is it so hard that god sent us a nice friendly hello? I mean, you may think it’s implausible, but that’s the reason I think it’s possible!

BOB Now you just sound like a prat.

FRED Why cant you just open your mind to the possibilities?! Is it so hard that a being more powerful than you can exist and control every aspect of your meaningless life?!

BOB (PAUSES) … No.

FRED Why? You may like the idea that life is meaningless, but I think you should try to enjoy to the life you have been given by god and all it’s wonderful riches!

BOB Well I agree with the latter part to that. I enjoy all the riches of this life… Well all the legal ones… but why does god have to come in and tell me that the things I enjoy are sins?

FRED That’s just the way it is! But sins are forgiven! I’ve asked you before but why cant you accept the love of god?!

BOB STAMPS OVER TO THE BAG AND PICKS IT UP

BOB I’m getting rid of this bloody thing before you get any more daft ideas in your head!

FRED LUNGES FOR THE BAG AND THEY STRUGGLE FOR IT

FRED Let me have it! It’s nowt to you! Give it ‘ere!

BOB This is getting you daft as it is! You’ll be putting people on the bloody cross soon!

FRED That’s blasphemy you git!

THE BAG BETWEEN THE TWO SPLITS OPEN, POURING SAND

EVERYWHERE

FRED Look what you’ve done! You heathen!

BOB It’s best for you!

FRED I’m sick of your crap! You always mocked my beliefs!

BOB Well stuff you then!

FRED Fine!

FRED WALKS OFF THE WAY HE CAME

BOB Fine!

BOB STARTS TO WALK OFF THE WAY HE CAME, THEN FRED WALKS

BACK ONTO STAGE

FRED Err….See you at the bucket and dog at six right?

BOB TURNS BACK TO FRED

BOB Of course, you owe me more than one pint!

THEY BOTH WALK OFF STAGE IN THEIR RESPECTIVE DIRECTIONS.

Incubus

2012-08-02T18:04:00.001-07:00

A faint glimmer of consciousness is birthed into the abyss, twisting and turning, it coils in rage and anger at being taken from it’s peaceful state of nonexistence into the reality that is pain. It is hate, it is abhorrent, it’s vengeful glow burns brighter as the venomous spite courses through the entity’s existence. Madness claws the thoughts as the wild being is trapped between total nothingness and complete being. The growing expression screams as tears itself apart, clawing at its own vague and opaque form, shreds of itself burn hot and vicious. The consciousness, the idea, the being is trapped in a cyclone of self destruction, unable to fully destroy itself and unable to complete the transition into full life. The storm merely grows in fury and pain until something cracks. It pauses, waiting for itself to break when it realises the crack was from within, not in itself. Some light? An answer? It does not fathom but it seeps through and begins to know.

Jennifer’s eyes opened. She didn’t shoot awake or scream, she was not shaken to her very core or even worried. It was just time to wake. Jennifer stretched in her bed, a slight perturbed feeling nagging the back of her mind, the half remembered images of her dream evaporating quickly as the consciousness of the daytime rose. The bed Jennifer lay in always felt too large, like her sleek frame was being engulfed in a monster made of comforting clothe and feathers.
The room was still mostly dark, the curtains, thick and heavy, were still drawn, pressing out most of the coming morn. Jennifer liked the darkness. It wasn’t that the light of the morning bothered her, she just felt at ease without it. The glowing red numbers of the alarm clock announced it was seven minutes past six am. Jennifer knew in just under eight minutes, the alarm would switch on. Jennifer also knew that in just under seven minutes she would turn it off before it has the chance to ring out. She hadn’t needed that alarm in over four years, but nevertheless, she would turn it back on before she went to sleep.

Jennifer shuffled over to the side of the bed and stood up. Her bare calves touching the side of the bed, the old wood beaten and marked by time and usage. The threadbare carpet comfortingly rough on the soles of her feet. The nightshirt Jennifer wore was draped on her body, ill fitting and loose, shimmied about her as she strode towards her closet and gazed at herself with a sigh. Jennifer knew she was losing weight, she also knew a lot of girls, hell, a lot of women would kill to just lose weight without trying, but she knew she was starting to look starved. Jennifer knew she meant to eat the right amount and did so, but could only find herself thinner every day.
Jennifer picked out a t-shirt, a buttoned shirt to wear open over the top and loose jeans to cover her disappearing self. She placed her choice that day’s clothes on a large menagerie of stuffed animals that were once loved and bought over bitterly and now laid in an uncared for mountain in the corner of her room. Jennifer reached the wooden drawers, switched off the alarm that rested atop and pulled a drawer to make a choice of panties, a bra, sadly, still not needed Jennifer thought as she considered her undeveloped chest.

Jennifer bent to pull her panties on and came to eye contact with a photo in a gilded green frame. Two little blonde girls with long hair stood in front of their parents, a healthy looking couple, father looking to burst with pride to the camera with a cap on his head, mother as brilliantly blonde as her daughters looking at her husband.

What to do after You Die

2012-08-02T18:03:00.002-07:00

And other Post-corporeal problems.

Please note that this book is intended for the dead or nearly dead or really really bored.

Life

Life is something of a shock to us all. It comes on very quickly, without any warning and by the time you are full of life it’ll take another twelve or so months to realise what’s happened and that you are actually alive and not just some vague sensory input (although it is said this realisation never happens in London). The problem with life is that no one ever asks for it, it is thrust upon us, much like duty or honour or gravy, except that you can politely decline a serving of duty or honour.

You are taken from your state of non-existence where you were once content with nothing, into life, where nothing will ever make you content. Some of the living across the corporeal planes try to get back to this existence of nothing by forgoing all needs and wants, this is of course nonsense and the only way mortals ever glimpse of the happiness they previously felt is by buying enormous amounts of useless stuff that they will never ever truly need.
But this is nonsense too.
Also some of the living hold onto the fact that death, or “suspension of existence” can only truly bring you contentment, this is just a lie the dead tell the living. This half-lie is called religion. Why it is a half-lie is something that for narrative purpose we shall come back too later.

The living fear death above all other things because it is their believed loss of existence that scares them the most. Any one living who claims to have no fear of death is either stupid, insane or both (or in some very rare cases the being may already be dead and hasn’t realised yet) If you have no fear of death please see a psychologist or a mortician.

The problem with being alive is that is comes with all sorts of prerequisites such as sunlight and air, its not enough to simply exist but take up space, consume and generally make a nuisance. This is a problem for those in sentient existence themselves and all the other living beings that have been blessed with lack of sentience.

Take John Smith. A man named with such an incredibly common name that he is he only person to own it and his incredibly lacklustre life. This man has just finished college with a bare pass at a carpeting GNVQ.

Pain in the Arse

2012-08-02T18:01:00.001-07:00

Alright Michael, The alarm is beeping, you know that if you stay in bed you’ll be groggy all day and you have a big job interview at lunch time. It’s best if you get up now.

Come on now, it’s no use pulling the covers over your head, I know they’re warm but they wont help you keep your apartment, let alone your girlfriend. Just get up, make yourself some breakfast and watch the news. That way, you’ll be awake and bright for everything.

Is it that time already? I know it’s getting up time but it’s a bit early isn’t it? I mean if you get a couple of hours kip now, you’ll be better for it right mike? You know it’s right to sleep in, and If you get up and have breakfast you’ll only be putting on extra pounds that you know you should be losing. That’s right, just wrap yourself in your covers and it’ll be better, close your eyes and think about what you need to be doing later.

No. Come on, Stand up and go to the bathroom. I know sleeping seems like the nicest idea but you really need a piss and not even I can help with that. That right, once your done here clean your teeth, and remember to book a dentist appointment because you’ve got a hole back there and if you don’t get it looked at it’ll be a right pain.

Forget that hole, it’ll heal itself, you saw that on that documentary once right? And look down will you? Your too fat and your dick’s too small, phone a surgeon and get that sorted, it wont matter how much it costs because once you look sexy then you’ll get any job and any girl with big tits too. Oh and… Should you really be this hairy? You look like an untrimmed chimp.

Look in the mirror, See those blue eyes? Yeah everyone loves them. And that long hair, who couldn’t love a guy like you? Your perfect as you are. Don’t worry about superficial things though, it’s what’s inside that counts and by all accounts, you are a thoroughly lovely chap. I’d buy you a pint if I wasn’t on your shoulder.

Go on, get some decent clothes on. No not that crap, something trendy so someone will think you’re not a half-wit with the dress sense of an eighties horror reject. And since your up you might as well get some decent trough down you, How about a fry up? And the only thing cold in the fridge is beer and that’ll calm your nerves before the interview, one wont affect your driving.

I Hate My Job

2012-08-02T17:59:00.002-07:00

1 EXT. ON M60 BRIDGE OVER MANCHESTER SHIP CANAL MID-DAY 1200

A man wearing entirely black apart from a yellow reflective jacket walks up the bridge towards a group of cars in disorder, some turned over, there are no moving cars and the scene is eerily quiet, it looks like the remains of a car crash yet there is no commotion and no noise apart from the sounds of a gentle breeze.

The MAN IN BLACK approaches the crash while all the people in the cars look at him with a mild curiosity, not at all bothered that the cars they are in damaged or overturned. The MAN IN BLACK approaches an overturned red car and quietly opens the doors, unbuckles the woman inside it and helps her out, her husband watches on, frowning slightly but the MAN IN BLACK kneels down to face him and simply shakes his head.

The MAN IN BLACK and the woman from the red car walk over to a coach with all it’s windows smashed, people on the inside watching casually, The MAN IN BLACK gets on the coach and takes an elderly couple off, he gets back on and nods to a teenager, who gets off too. The MAN IN BLACK pauses while on the coach and walks right to the back where he finds a scared little girl

MAN IN BLACK

It’s ok. Come with me.

The little girl nods, looking calmer and gets out of her seat, taking the MAN IN BLACK’s hand as they walk off the bus together.

The four passengers wait for the MAN IN BLACK as he sets off amongst the car wrecks while a raven flies over the cars, cawing loudly. The MAN IN BLACK helps a man out of a white SUV and returns to the group of people who all look at each other apprehensively.

There is a pause as the MAN IN BLACK looks to all the others quietly, looking them each in the face while they look at him and each other, then as one they follow the MAN IN BLACK down the slope towards the bottom of the bridge.

As they walk down, birds start to tweet and cars start to drive past on the opposite lane, very slowly and not a lot at first but the speed and amount increase over time.

The MAN IN BLACK stops and turns around to face the man from the white SUV.

MAN IN BLACK

You. Go back, you’re not ready yet.

The man nods and turns back, starting the ascent back to the car crash again. He reaches his car and climbs in, shutting the door and pulling his seat belt back on. Then the rest of the people following the MAN IN BLACK resume walking away and as they get further they start to fade away.

The car crash seems to resume life with all the noise and action going on like a normal car crash. There was people screaming and all the people who followed the MAN IN BLACK out are not moving and dead. There are police men, ambulances and fire-trucks all around causing a commotion.

The people next to their dead loved ones try to revive them and there is a mother at the back of a coach trying to resuscitate her little girl whose soul had already faded away.

MAN IN BLACK

I hate my job.

FADE TO BLACK.

Egg Called Fred

2012-08-02T17:57:00.004-07:00

Dear Simon

Hello little brother, how are your travels? Last night I was went to the clubs trying to find myself a girl, it turns out it’s a bit more difficult than it looks in the movies. It’s very hard to be suave and charming like James Bond when your yelling at the top of your voice to someone apparently doesn’t speak English. “Would you like a drink Madam?” Sort of loses it’s charisma when your eyes are bulging and you’ve got a vein throbbing in your head from all the shouting.

One girl replied “Go home Wanker!” which I found a bit confusing because I don’t quite know what a wanker is, it didn’t sound very nice. When I got home at ten I put a microwave meal on wand watched Star Trek, I need to meet a woman who wants me to teach her about love, unfortunately only alien woman seem to need lessons.

Love Jonathon

Dear Johnny

I think you should try somewhere smaller to meet women, maybe one of your friends knows some girls you can try meeting? Why not look in the library for some help books? I’m sure Agnes there can help you.

I will be in Peru this week with some Japanese backpackers.

Love Simon

Sayonara!

Dear Simon

I been to my local library and found some useful self help books, they are called “minestrone for the soul”, “Get up and get out there!” and “Dogging for amateurs”. I don’t have a dog, as I’m allergic so I’m not sure why the librarian mentioned that title, but whatever helps. I found an Egg on the way home sitting alone in a pack of six and I immediately felt sorry for the poor little chap, he also has a lot of space to share but no other little eggy friends to be with, so I decided we were kindred spirits and took him home.

I will call him Fred.

Also I found out what a wanker is in the library, and I can tell you one thing I am defiantly not one. If I see one on the street, I will defiantly cross the road to avoid him.

Love Jonathon

Dear Johnny!

I’m glad you’ve made a new friend! What happened to Percy? I hope Fred will make interesting conversation. I’m not sure that book about dogs is for you and I don’t really recommend you read it, but then again, you never know what you might take an interest in! How is mum? I do miss her, I hope you tell her about my travels! I’ve decided that Peru isn’t very nice as there isn’t a decent bar for miles and it smells of gerbils so me and my girlfriend are going to Fiji.

Oh yes I have I new girlfriend, I Dumped Ermine in El Salvador and hooked up with one of the Japanese backpackers. I don’t quite know how to pronounce her name, let alone spell it but we have excellent body language if you know what I mean!

Love Simon

Dear Simon

Mum is still dead. I don’t like talking to her grave because it feels weird and Fred agrees with me. I have decided to become vegan because it’s hard to eat animals and especially their by-products when you know one, it’s a bit of a social hiccup.

I hope you don’t spend the cheque I sent too soon, as the saying goes “Don’t spend all your money in one country”

Love Johnny.

Come With Me

2012-08-02T17:56:00.003-07:00

Come With Me exists in two forms. one as an original script format for university, the other as an attempt at a present for girlfriend. Neither worked

Come With Me

ACT 1 SCENE 1

INSIDE A HOSPITAL ROOM, JOHN SITS UPSTAGE MIDDLE WHILE HIS WIFE CLARA LAYS ON A HOSPITAL BED CENTRE STAGE. THERE IS A HEART MONITOR NEXT TO THE BED WITH A STEADY BEEPING RTHYMN

A NURSE IS STANDING UPSTAGE LEFT

JOHN It’s not fair…

CLARA Life isn’t sweetie

JOHN Well it bloody well should be! I don’t want to loose you… (stifles a sob)

CLARA Please don’t cry, I can’t bear it. All the things I wanted to do with you… All that time gone down to stupid chance

JOHN A year… it’s not fair! A year isn’t nearly enough time for me to spend with you, I love you so much.

CLARA (Starts to breathe raggedly) I don’t want to die without you!

HEART RATE STARTS TO QUICKEN

JOHN Oh no don’t die! Please not yet! Not ever!

CLARA Come with me!

JOHN (Pause) What? I… I can’t…

CLARA Please John come with me! I don’t want to be alone wherever I go!

JOHN IS LOST FOR WORDS

CLARA (In tears) Don’t leave me! I love you and I don’t wanna be without you!

JOHN (mumbles) I’m afraid

CLARA So am I! But I just want to be with you forever! Don’t you?

JOHN I…

CLARA Come with me! Please!

CLARA STARTS TO GASP FOR BREATH; HER HEARTBEAT QUICKENS FASTER THEN FLAT LINES. THE NURSE STEPS TO THE BED.

NURSE Time of death, Ten past one pm (PAUSES THEN TURNS TO THE SOBBING JOHN) I’m sorry… My grandmother died of cancer

ACT 1 SCENE 2

TOM SITS ON A PUB STOOL MIDDLE STAGE LEFT SIPPING HIS PINT AND READING A NEWSPAPER EVERY SO OFTEN CHECKING HIS WATCH.

JOHN ENTERS STAGE RIGHT AND WALKS OVER TO TOM LOOKING DISHEVELED. IN THE BACKGROUND “love will tear us apart” (by joy division) IS PLAYING

JOHN Oh sorry I’m late, I was…umh… I’m sorry I forgot alright? But at least I’m here.

JOHN SITS ON AN OPPOSITE STOOL

TOM Not like the last three times (SMIRKS) but it’s alright, I mean, how long was it since I last saw you?

JOHN Four months.

TOM Since. (IS CUT OFF)

JOHN Yeah…

TOM (PAUSES) You been keeping busy then?

JOHN Not really…

TOM (SIGHES) Uhh… Pint?

JOHN Yeah sure

TOM STANDS AND WALKS OFF STAGE BRIEFLY WHILE JOHN SITS ON THE STOOL LOOKING UNCOMFORTABLE. AFTER A MOMENT TOM RETURNS WITH THE PINT

TOM There you go mate, don’t worry, this one’s on me (PAUSE) so… you ok? You holding up alright?

JOHN You know what? I’m not, this is the first time I’ve left the house for something other than shopping and work. (JOHN QUICKLY DRINKS A LARGE PORTION OF HIS PINT)

TOM Ah shit….I’m sorry mate

JOHN What for? It’s not like it’s your fault is it?

TOM Well… You know, I could have been more tactful…that’s all I’m sayin..

JOHN Well don’t say! … I’m sorry, I shouldn’t be snapping at you… How have you been?

TOM Oh you know, work work work. I got a new Gir (DROPS OFF) nevermind…

JOHN You don’t have to walk on eggshells… yeah I still hurt… I still hurt a lot but I’m dealing with it (HE FINISHES HIS PINT)

TOM Well that’s good, I just wanna make sure your alright mate…

JOHN You know the last thing she said to me?

TOM What?

JOHN She said “Come with me”…

TOM Well… she was scared, I don’t blame her.

JOHN Yeah, me neither.

TOM NODS AND DRINKS, THEN PAUSES

TOM I know that tone… Your not thinking?

JOHN Tom I would be with her now if I wasn’t a coward.

TOM You’re not a coward mate…and (IS CUT OFF)

JOHN I fucking am! I don’t want to live without her but I’m too scared to die!

TOM Mate! What about all the other things in your life? Your family?

JOHN She mattered more than my family, I know that sounds harsh but it’s true!

TOM You could meet someone else… she’d want you to move on.

JOHN You don’t know shit!

TOM Well… I… I cant really say “Go ahead mate, need a hand offing yourself?” can I?

JOHN I know… I know…

TOM Just… don’t do anything rash ok?

JOHN If rash was what I’m like I would have done it the day after she…

TOM Well… just don’t mate? And would you do me a favour?

JOHN What?

TOM See a doctor? I mean a head-doctor?

JOHN Maybe

TOM Please?

JOHN Listen… I’ve got to go

TOM You only just got here!

JOHN yeah well… I need to get home.

TOM Alright… seeya mate

JOHN LEAVES STAGE RIGHT WITHOUT REPLYING AND TOM PICKS UP HIS PAPER AND READS AGAIN.

And now the prose format

Come With Me

The Novel

John was thinking about things. About the past. About the future. Whatever John was thinking, it was to avoid thinking about the present. The midday sun was timidly poking through the curtains of the flat. Thin slices of light flittered about the detritus of the fetid room. The television was stuck on a twenty-four hour news channel, as it had been the day before and the day before that. Not that John was paying any attention, just a source of noise to block out the terrible silence that seemed to fill what was once their home.
John was thinking about two divergent possibilities. The one that had already happened and the one that could have been. Where his and Clara’s paths could have split and they would have never been, they could have never met, never got on, had some falling out and broken up. All of which seemed a much brighter possibility “Such is the benefit of Hindsight” John thought to himself. John’s flat hadn’t been cleaned in months, not properly at least, there was no stink of rotting food or discarded human matter tossed aside carelessly. The problem with the flat was it had become stale, like a mausoleum without the dead. The amber drink in John’s tumbler was tilting as the third drink since he awoke was taking its affect, calling him into the numb sleep. The answering machine light flittered on and off, full of unheard messages that bore no meaning to John any more.
John’s mind swung from the possibilities of an alternate world back into reality, and what was real, what had really happened and how it had shattered his idyllic life.

John strode across the university campus. The bare trees were showing the slightest signs of leaves and life, the winter miasma that spreads over any academic institution was lifting as the days were getting longer. Students had begun to sporadically populate the lawns and benches that decorate the campus, although they were still clothed in jumpers and coats, the dawn of spring instilled the will and the life to end their voluntary hibernation. It was the final year for John and he was approaching it with a mix of emotions, the finality to his youth and the encroaching adulthood was met with a sense of fearful excitement, the same fearful excitement of waiting for a rollercoaster, the thrills and the scares mixed into a tight ball in the pit of your stomach.

John had a destination and a purpose. Go to the student union bar, meet Alexandra (or Alley as she prefer) and drink as many noxious liquids as their bodies and wallets could handle. Alexandra was John’s best friend from college and it was a no coincidence that they had attended the same university, John had chosen to study Law at Manchester and Alexandra had decided to study Sociology at Manchester Met. While John was leading their friendship, the shared benefit of this move to the same city granted them the benefit of having someone to rely on in a strange and large city.

Squirrel Storage

2012-08-02T17:51:00.002-07:00

SCENE 1

EXT MORNING employment office window, a young woman called EMMA BRENNER browsing the jobs in the window, looks closely at a job saying “Storage facility maintenance, 10 pm – 6 am, £15 pound an hour, must have strong mental constitution” she smiles and walks indoors and takes the card out of the window.

SCENE 2

INT MORNING inside the employment office, EMMA walks to an office where a fussy looking man sat at an old office desk is looking nervous. EMMA stands at the table

EMMA

Hi I was told to talk to you about the storage job?

ADVISOR

What?! You want that job?

EMMA

Urmh, Yes?

ADVISOR

Well I suppose you’d better sit down then

EMMA pauses, looking at the office chair warily, but then sits down

EMMA

Long day?

ADVISOR

Yes! What’s that got to do with it? Pause I’m sorry I’m a little stressed, it’s just this job.

EMMA

I thought working here you’d be able to find a better job!

ADVISOR

What? No no, this job is fine; I’m talking about the one your applying for

EMMA

Really? What’s wrong with it?

The ADVISOR takes a deep breath to speak then pauses, and starts to shake his head smiling, while his eyebrow twitches

ADVISOR

Nothing! Nothing, it just has a high drop out rate, that’s all, lots of people can’t take working nights. I know I can’t! Repeats under his breath I know I can’t....

EMMA

Well, ok, it seems like a good job...

ADVISOR

Yes! It is, easy work, all you do is watch a storage facility, nothing expensive there, and you can just read the paper!

EMMA

Are you sure it doesn’t require anything else?

ADVISOR

No no.... pause no it’s fine. When can you start?

EMMA

Don’t you want to know my qualifications?

The ADVISOR pauses again and nods slowly, he is sweating

ADVISOR

Yes! Yes I do, what qualifications do you have?

EMMA

Well I have a B in socio-

The ADIVSOR cuts her off

ADVISOR

Good enough! Can you start you start tonight?

EMMA

Well I suppose I can

ADVISOR

Good! I hope you... I hope you do well!

ADVISOR hands her a leaflet of information and walks away hurriedly

SCENE 3

EXT 10PM an elderly looking man called MIKE is standing outside a large warehouse with large doors big enough for an aeroplane to fit through. On the front of the building in large blue letters it says SQUIRREL STORAGE with a blue logo of a squirrel. MIKE is wearing a uniform; leaning on a cane and is standing next to an opening in the large doors just big enough for a person to fit through. EMMA walks towards him

MIKE

‘Ello! You must be the girl sent by the job offie!

EMMA

Yes! Hello I’m Emma, I’m sorry but I wasn’t told much at the job office.

MIKE

Well it’s easy, you just make sure nothing interrupts the computers; the squirrels stay in sleep mode and call the numbers on the list in case anyone tries to break in.

EMMA

I’m sorry but what? Squirrels?

MIKE

Doesn’t the title really give you a clue? Squirrel storage, this is where we store the nation’s squirrel supply

EMMA

Erm, this may seem like a stupid question, but why?

MIKE

Exasperatedly I don’t have much time to explain this, but when grey squirrels came into Britain, they out-bred and killed off all the red squirrels, and then very quickly, killed themselves off too. They’re thick see?

EMMA

Erm...

MIKE

Squirrels are vital to the environment of the world, not just Britain, it’s very simple, and anyone could understand it. I don’t, but I’m sure you could.

EMMA

But?!

MIKE

Just watch them! It’s easy I’ve been doing it for ten years and look at me! I’m fine!

EMMA

Hesitantly Alright... I’ll give it a try PAUSE I’m not wearing a uniform; I guess I’ll get it at sometime right?

MIKE

Don’t worry about it, you’ll be the only one here anyway, no one will notice!

EMMA

Oh, WAIT! What?!

MIKE

My shift’s over luv! I’m off to town to get blitzed, I’ll be thirty soon, can’t do all nighters long after that!

MIKE steps away with his cane

EMMA

Wait! What do I do if something goes wrong?

MIKE turns to EMMA

MIKE

Just call the number on the side and follow the instructions they give you!

MIKE leaves EMMA by herself and she hesitantly walks inside.

SCENE 4

EMMA walks inside the cavernous storage room and she is confront with row after thousands of rows of squirrels hanging upside down on hooks by their tales, all rigid and in the same position, to her right is a set of metal stairs that lead up to a square observatory office with chairs, monitors, computer screens, a newspaper and a tea and coffee machine. EMMA walks up the stairs and slowly sits

EMMA

Well this could be interesting...

Title on the screen TEN MINUTES LATER

EMMA

Boring... boring..... bored

EMMA puts her feet up on the edge of the console, and promptly knocks over a cold cup of tea onto and she gives and shrill gasp of fright, she stands and starts to mop up the tea with the bottom of her shirt when she notices to red dots of light coming from the warehouse, then four, then 6 then 10 and so on until she is confronted with thousands of red little dots of red light which dim and turn out to be the eyes of thousands of squirrels looking at her.

EMMA

Very quietly Fuck...

The squirrels pour out of the warehouse in one mass movement, in less than half a minute the entire place is devoid of squirrels. EMMA turns to the list and slowly picks of the phone

EMMA

Umh, Hi, All the squirrels got out?

Meritocracy

2012-08-02T17:50:00.004-07:00

The Scene opens up to the interior of a McDonalds. SHELLY and TREVOR are sat at a table a table piled high with fast food and empty wrappers while a soft pop song pays in the background with lyrics something along the line of “Baby baby, you’re my baby, baby baby ooh love” and “I’ll buy you what you need, I’ll buy You want you want, I’ll buy you”

SHELLY

‘Ere have you heard the news?

TREVOR

Wassat then?

SHELLY

You mean you’ve not seen the main news?

TREVOR

No I’ve not! You know I don’t watch the news; it does me ‘ead in!

SHELLY

Britney’s lost ‘er kids again!

TREVOR

Again?

SHELLY

Yeer, she says she still loves them.

TREVOR

Come on now, this is getting stupid

SHELLY

Wot? I love my kids like that!

TREVOR

Yeah but your kids aren’t thirty!

SHELLY

She just loves them! Leave Britney alone!

TREVOR

For Christ’s Sake!

SIMON enters and walks to SHELLY’s and TREVOR’s table and clears aside the debris of wasted food wrappers

SIMON

A’ right Trev, BEAT hiya Shelly

TREVOR

Ya’right Si?

SIMON

Nah, some shit’s goin

INTERUPTED BY SHELLY

SHELLY

Why’d you invite this nob for?! He’s a mental!

SIMON

Why am I a mental shel? Because I don’t accept the lies your spoon fed?!

SHELLY

Oh yeah and nine eleven was a trick was it?

SIMON

Don’t get me started on that

SHELLY

Why?! Cuz Hitler did it? Or whatever bollocks your on this weekend

TREVOR

All we wanna do is have dinner, why are you to chattin on with yourselves?!

SIMON

Because we have to do something to stop the new world order!

SHELLY

Oh for God’s sake!

SIMON

I’m not pissing about Shelly!

SHELLY

It doesn’t matter! You and your mental ‘ead ideas about the Tony Blair and George Brown don’t mean anything in the real world!

SIMON

SHOUTING If you let me finish then of course they fucking matter!

TREVOR

Whats up Si?

SHELLY

Are the whales working with the aliens?

SIMON

Fuck off Shel!

TREVOR

Si! Calm down, what’s up?

SIMON calms himself down

SIMON

It’s Mickey, he’s gone

TREVOR

What dya mean gone?

SIMON

I mean GONE, you ask his family, they don’t even admit he existed

SHELLY

What dya mean they wont admit he existed?! Course ‘e fookin did, e’s been on the piss enough with us.

SIMON

I dunno, I told him about all the websites I was looking at and then a couple of weeks later ‘e was gone.

TREVOR

What Websites?

SIMON

Conspir... BEAT Truth Websites

TREVOR

What the fuck have you done Si?

SIMON

Why is it my fucking fault?!

TREVOR STANDS AND LEAVES

SIMON

I was just telling him the truth!

Encolyphatic Badger Disease and It’s relative spread amongst the affluent classes of Warrington (AKA My person Top ten television shows of the moment)

2012-07-10T14:44:00.000-07:00

Ok so this afternoon I decided that I definitely wanted to write... something, upon opening my word processor I realised that merely wanting to write something is a jolly good idea but a great idea when you actually have something to write about. So I racked my brain, what did I want to write about? I had a vague idea about doing some low fantasy (Fantasy with a looser construct than Lord of the Rings and it’s ilk), or perhaps some horror but really nothing was coming to me.

Then it hit me, On my often twitter rambles (@Stueymon)I like to talk about my favourite television series, occasional witty insights or just genuine moments of promotion for a television series I enjoy. So that is what I plan to do, what follows from here on is a descending order of television series I genuinely enjoy. While making this list I decided that I would only include television series that are either broadcasting now or awaiting a new series. Nothing from the past of cancelled will make it into this top ten, because the section proclaiming my love of firef... my love of a certain space-western series would turn into a university essay and limiting my choice of series to the current makes these shows relatively easy to find.

10 Dexter (2006)

Dexter features Michael C. Hall as the titular Dexter, the Miami Dade police blood splatter expert who helps his colleagues find murderers. Of course it sounds like a standard procedural cop show so what makes this one different? Dexter himself is a serial killer who chooses his targets using the police database to find criminals who have escaped capture, knowing how the police find and track killers has helped him keep out of the law but also puts him on a knife edge of being caught himself. I actually read the books after seeing the first series because I was so engrossed with what was happening that I felt I needed to know what was going to happen next but I’m not sure I did the right thing. The television series is almost better than the books and events that shock you have a more startling effect on screen than they do in the book. If you feel you can resist spoiling the Tv series for yourself I’d recommend sticking to that but I won’t begrudge you for reading the books out of that need to know.

The premise does at first and last look sound ridiculous but it’s played with splashing of dark humour, good script writing and tense situations that make it wonderfully enjoyable. The series suffered a dip in the second and third seasons but really picked up since and is definitely worth watching if you enjoy dark humour in a cop show that turns the premise on it’s head. The 7^th season of Dexter starts in September 2012

9 Futurama (1999)

If you haven’t heard of Futurama by know then shame on you for missing one of the funniest cartoons available to mankind. I’m assuming everyone has heard of Futurama so I’ll only provide a brief summary. Futurama is mainly the story of Fry, a pizza delivery boy who is trapped on New Year’s Eve in a cryogenic box to the year 3000. The premise is not really what makes the series great but it’s use of comedy. Futurama is the creation of Matt Groening who also penned The Simpsons, yet unlike it’s present-day predecessor Futurama is completely unconcerned with the moral tale that was arbitrarily added to The Simpsons to provide family values. Futurama is a show that has to be keenly watched to get all the jokes, including sight gags and puns used on signs, to vague cultural commentary placed an eon into the future, neatly avoiding controversy.

8 Burn Notice (2007)

Burn Notice for me is what I affectionately call a “Fluff” program. It’s a light action-drama featuring espionage, spies and general nefarious goings on, but is never going to leave you with too much of an emotional impact.

Michael Weston is a spy who is believed to have been acting illegally and is therefore “burned”, a term used for when a spy is left in a country with no identity, money or assets. Fortunately for Michael he is left in Miami where he meets up with an ex-girlfriend, a former colleague and his mother. They work to help people who are in tough situations using their spy-skills to save the day. I admit it’s formulaic but it’s also a lot of fun, like a modern take on the A-team that’s much cooler. If that’s not enough to sell you on it, it also features the iconic Bruce Campell from the Evil dead films, and he’s always cool.

7 Falling Skies (2011)

Falling Skies is sci-fi series produced by Steven Spielburg concerning the fight for survival after an intense alien invasion decimates the Earth’s population and enslaves the majority of the children. I’ll admit I’m somewhat biased towards this series because I’m easily sold on alien invasions and pitched battles concerning aliens but I’m also the first to admit it’s had it’s ups and downs. Some episodes of the first series are dull but it’s definitely worth staying through because.... well, aliens!

This science fiction epic is truly the first of it’s kind to be attempted in well over a decade since the original series of V from the 80s and the visual effects used paint a bleak picture of humanity on the edge of extinction but fighting for their freedom.

6 The Walking Dead (2010)

The Walking Dead is true first for the horror genre in television and while now it seems remarkably stupid that no one had done it before, The Walking Dead is the first television show about an ongoing zombie apocalypse. For the sadly uninitiated, The Walking Dead was originally a comic written by Robert Kirkman, turned into a Tv series by acclaimed director Frank Darabont and predominantly stars Andrew Lincoln as Rick Grimes, a man who wakes up from a coma to find his world has been destroyed by a zombie apocalypse. The first series is well produced, acted and filmed so the quality is top-notch, but this is not for the squeamish, blood, guts and other bits of bodies often find themselves being reduced to lunch for the hungry masses. The second series suffers from an unsure direction but soon heats up to a startling finale. Gripping and gruesome stuff.

5 Episodes (2011)

Beverly and Sean Lincoln are successful British writers who produced a typically British comedy (Think History Boys) that becomes a huge success. Of course this leads to American television companies hearing about it and bringing the Lincolns over to America to make an American adaptation. Of course this doesn’t go as predicted and they are both left writing for a gaudy American sitcom which is almost completely unrelated to their original comedy and stars Matt Le Blanc.

This is a typical fish-out-of-water and culture clash comedy but it’s expertly written and Matt LeBlanc plays a narcissistic dickhead version of himself while Stephan Mangan and Tamsin Greig play the British couple adapting to Hollywood lifestyle and all are played brilliantly. Forget all nightmarish memories of ”Joey” and watch this, LeBlanc has found his footing here and it’s mocking himself mercilessly.

4 Fringe (2008)

Fringe is the second JJ Abrams television project in this list and consists of rogue science and the FBI. If you’re thinking this sounds similar to The X-files, then you’re not far off but Fringe stays firmly rooted in the vaguely plausible science room and never touches the supernatural or the mystical with a barge pole. Each episode involves the FBI’s Fringe division tracking down miscarriages of science that are usually gruesome and they work with an ex-institutionalised scientist and his son who work together to stop or counteract the “mad science” goings on involved.

Again, top-notch production values and the series has always remained interesting, with a meta-arch storyline involving inter-dimensional war that becomes more complex as the story progresses. Sadly this show is on the cancellation line so it’s looking like this will be the last series of Fringe we get to see, I recommend it, if you enjoy procedural shows this may tickle of fancy as it plays similar to that but the crimes themselves veer into the very strange and obviously tickles my fancy.

3 Supernatural (2005)

Supernatural features the progressing story of two brothers who are “Hunters”, people who find and kill supernatural beings to save humanity. There is a typical “Monster of the Week” story for each episode, finding and killing the thingies that live in the dark. Initially I didn’t like this series but it really grew on me after a short while, and what sold me was the relationship between the two brothers, played respectively by Jensen Ackles and Jared Padalecki who have a wonderful on screen chemistry and really do act like relations, constantly bickering and insulting each other at one moment and loving each other the next.

The series recently finished it’s 7 series and has been renewed for an 8^th so the back story to deal with now is quite heavy but if you’ve got nothing else to watch at the present moment (and if you look at television most of the time, that’s always) then it’s worth putting in the time to watch the older series. As a bonus, almost each episode has a classic rock track in it somewhere!

2 Person of Interest (2011)

Person of Interest is one of my new favourite television shows and the second on this list created by JJ Abrams. Jim Caviezel (Last Temptation of Christ) and Michael Emerson (Lost) play John Reese and Harold Finch respectively. Reese is an ex spy who has special training and Finch is a billionaire who has access to a Machine that can predict violent events and deaths but the only notice they receive is a social security number.

This means the person could be perpetrating the crime or the victim of it, this leads to an episodic case of the week where they have to deal with working out what is going to happen and who it is going to happen too. This series feels like a cross between 24 and the film Enemy of the State because you are constantly aware that everyone is being monitored by this Machine. There are shady mob dealings, criminal low lifes and even shadier government dealings, giving the series an overall feeling of paranoia and conspiracy that is wonderfully blended with Caviezel dealing out the action like Chuck Norris in a particularly snappy suit

I use a capital when referencing the Machine because it really does feel like a character, you never seen it communicating directly but it can always be seen identifying characters and extras, making judgements and even deciding if it needs to defend itself. This is where the series takes a tentative step into science fiction, with a daunting question hanging over the Machine itself, is it just a clever program, or is it actually intelligent?

1 Game of Thrones (2011)

If you know me, or follow my twitter or facebook account, you should have seen this coming. I think Game of Thrones is simply the best thing on television since John Logie Baird invented it. If you don’t know what Game of Thrones is about, which rock have you been living under? Oh well, it’s about the Kingdom of Westeros and the constant struggle to rule it. There are too many characters to name here, literally the cast is astonishing but you’ll won’t forget who anyone is because each character is well rounded and stands out. There are full blown battles going on in suits of armour, mythical creatures, magic and ice zombies, ice zombies.

The series was originally written by George R.R. Martin and is on it’s 6^th book now, with more to come so it looks like the HBO series has a long way to go before it’ll be finished and you’ll never want it to finish.

If you’re not watching Game of Thrones you’re missing out on some of the best television drama ever, If I had to sum it up in a sentence, I would say fuck off, you simplistic prick, but if at gun point, I would say Game of Thrones is what you would get if you mixed The Wire with Lord of the Rings.

Honourable Mentions

Breaking Bad and True Blood

These two dramas didn’t make it into my top ten and while they may even be technically better than some of the other series in my top ten, I don’t feel I enjoy them as much personally and while both are excellent, I felt they both consisted almost entirely of reprehensible characters who had not charm or wit to redeem them

God of War The end game.

2012-06-06T11:37:00.001-07:00

During the E3 expo of 2012 there was the usual miasma of sequels and prequels and rehashes of old games and the occasional new game. Not unusual for E3 there was a moment of faint controversy when the latest in the God of War series of games unveiled a new enemy that had the design of a large muscular creature that had the head of an elephant ( See this youtube clip for when the fella appears at 5:51 http://youtu.be/j1QOCbAoRts )

Now for those not versed in the games or world religions, the reason why this has caused some mild controversy is because that in the games you play as a historical murderer with incredible anger management issues and a take on atheism that can be certainly called “Pro-active” with him actively trying to kill the pantheon of Greek gods in Olympus.

This new enemy though has raised some theological issues in the fact that Kratos is now killing an elephant headed bad guy, not un-reminiscent of Ganesh of the Hindu religion. Gamers in defence of the series believe that the characters are not similar enough to carry any worry and are simply a new enemy with an interesting look. But the God of War series has always had a loose interpretation of the looks of the Olympian deities so why should this be different for Hindu characters?

If you’re wondering why one pantheon of multi-deity religions is fine for murdering in a game and those in Hinduism isn’t then, you’re a fucking moron. Hinduism is very much alive and thriving, where as the temples of Greek gods have been reduced to places where fat tourists bimble about looking at before buying something in the gift shop to try and prop up Greece’s failing economy.

Enough back-story to this article, here’s my personal take on this. God of War 3 ended with the destruction of the Greek Gods, but I don’t think the story ends there, I think it is just the beginning!

Kratos is the video game equivalent of militant atheism, actively tracking down and killing all the gods, including the wishy washy pagan ones, the Buddhist deities (this is would be a training level really, as they’d just accept their fate and let it happen) to killing a vague fuzzy image of Mohammed and Allah, all the way up to a one on one fight with Jesus wielding a massive cross as a hammer.

The end battle is with a mysterious figure that is simply described as “that odd feeling of being watch” until atheism rules the world and Kratos kills himself to avoid being worshipped and yells “Really, this is actually pointless!” before chopping his own head off.

David Jaffe has called it, Militant atheism has it’s battle cry and it’s call from the dark void of the abyss! Rise up atheist soldiers! Die for nothing! You might as well, it’s going to happen anyway!

Hell on Tuesdays

2012-04-26T12:21:00.002-07:00

Little bit of a Preamble! This is a short (max 500 words) story I've written for the Chorlton Arts Festival, but since I crave attention I thought I'd put it up here too and risk being disqualified (I don't see why I would but since the world is a cruel and horrible place this will probably get me killed by sock cancer.)

Hell on Tuesdays

By Stuart Robinson

Matt was sat in his dull grey office cubicle. Staring at the blinking dot of an opened word processor document with no word processing done. His mind is blank like the screen in front of him. Matt’s head was resting upon his palm, his elbow on his desk and his other hand nursing a cold cup of milky chemical-tasting coffee.

Matt was wondering how long he’d been at work, he felt like it had been hours since he had started that morning. Matt barely moved a muscle in his body, bleary red eyes turned and focused on an ancient piece of utilitarian plastic called a clock. It read five minutes past nine. Matt let out a baleful groan and immediately realised his mistake.

The noise had attracted the attention of his boss. It felt like a cold and heavy stone had materialised into his stomach, then he heard the words he was dreading.

“Matthew I’m going to need you to stay till seven tonight, alright? Thanks pal”

Matt woke with a jolt, the searing red hot bed of needles ripping into his flesh as his body moved instinctively and the insects that lived under him fed on his fresh dripping blood.
“Oh thank God it was just a dream!” thought Matt and he settled back into his bed, the incredible pain was just a comforting reminder that he was dead and never had to work another damn day.
Matt looked at the thin layer of flayed skin that served at the entrance to his cell and thought the colour of the hellfire outside suggested it must be morning. Suddenly the skin ripped open and in stomped an enormous hulking beast, a patchwork of scales, skin and fur that covered rippling muscle and it roared at Matt, the breath smelling of rot, sulphur and sin.

“Good morning Nigel” Said Matt

“Good morning Matt” said Nigel and buried a heavy mace into Matt’s intestines “You’ll be delighted to know today is Anal bestial infection day!”

“Lucky me!” Said Matt enthusiastically

Nigel helped Matt off the bed of nails and escorted him out into the corridors of hell and they past a cell of a man who was screaming in pain, crying and shouting for forgiveness from god.
Matt and Nigel shared a knowing look and chuckled, “He new here then?” asked Matt

“Not even a century!” replied Nigel and they both laughed.

On their walk to the specialised torture chambers, waving at other experienced members of hell, Matt said “I had the most horrible dream last night, I was back at my old job, it was terrible, and I was so bored”

“Yeah? Ah well, never mind, you’re here now!” Nigel gave Matt and gentle push into the torture room and pulled over a co-worker of hell “Frank... I’ve got an idea for a new method of torture... have we tried boredom?”

To Carnivores

2010-12-12T08:59:00.001-08:00

I love being a meat eater, I have nothing against vegetarians but personally I crave meat. Live your life as you want to, but don’t tell me how to live mine. But one thing gets on my nerves about fellow carnivores, it is the reluctance to eat anything that is “cute”. IE eating a cow is fine, but eating a dog or a cat is horrendous. Why? Because they're pets, not food. Fine! Lets put some lipstick on that cow and now it's inedible!

Fact is, most carnivores are pussies. You cannot eat meat and be a wimp about it. I, as a carnivore, will gladly kill and dismember my own choice of meat, If you cannot do that, stop eating meat. It's that simple. This is not a matter of morality, more a matter of moral fortitude. If you choose to be a meat eater, then have the backbone to support it. Understand you are a killer and eat animals, do not shy away from it, embrace it and enjoy it.

Now understand that there is a difference between eating every animal, be it cute or ugly, and eating your own pets. I have a cat and I would never eat her, but I would happily eat A cat. The difference is between Mine and A. I would not eat my cat because I have an emotional connection to her, but a cat raised to be eaten is fine to me..

This is the choice you make as a person who eats animals. Understand you are a killer or reject it and turn to vegetarianism.

The ongoing email chat between me and Rebecca fleming.

2010-06-22T17:34:00.000-07:00

Bit of history first, I have been emailing Rebecca flemming, a columnist for take a break magazine who wrote an article called Mums not Hookers about GTA, and it's general derogatory tone about gamers was insulting.

Here is what i first Wrote

"Dear Ms Fleming I read your article titled "mums not hookers" and I have to say I am absolutely outraged. Not at the content in the games but at your slapdash approach to journalism. You use links to cases of real life violence and crime and attempt to link them to videogame violence no matter how tenuous. Violent video games come with an 18 certificate and it is the duty of parents to supervise the material their children are exposed too. You wouldn’t call for the mass burning of books like 1984 or Dracula because they have content in them which might affect children, so to call for a mass destruction of any form of art is ignorant and simple minded at best and akin to fascism at worst. The little amount of respect for your readers and subject matter is evident in the poor attempts at research you have display. The image used on page 9 with the caption “How women are portrayed” comes from Pornography website Suicide Girls ( http://www.suicidegirls.com/ ), not video games as you suggest. This would be laughable if you hadn’t attempted to paint the entire gaming industry as a morally bankrupt lot ruining children’s innocence for profit. I will be sharing your article with the gaming press world-wide and with Gamers’ voice, the UK Gaming pressure group. Thank you for your time Stuart Robinson"

And she replied today with :

"Dear Stuart

Thank you for your email in response to our ‘Respect for Women’ article.
While you clearly don’t agree with our viewpoint, you make a number of very
interesting points.
We welcome the debate opened up by our initial article and we will be
returning to this theme in the coming weeks, publishing letters and emails
from both sides.
Thank you again for taking the time to write to me.
Best wishes,

Rebecca Fleming"

I then found an interesting article on Kotaku and sent that off to her, it actually got an interesting reply

"Hello Ms Fleming, I found an article you might find interesting considering the crusade against violent video games you so recently held.

http://kotaku.com/5558741/my-four+year+old-son-plays-grand-theft-auto

You may want to give a minute or two to read that article, it's a very interesting example of the morality used in the GTA games"

She replied

"Hello, Thank you for your email. I have had a look at the link and read the article. Frankly, I don't think it proves anything. I refer you back to our piece about brian Limond - How do you kill yours? - I think that is far more representative. If gamers aren't interested in murdering prostitutes in GTA then why is it even possible to do it?

Take care
Rebecca"

Today I sent this

"Good morning Rebecca!

I had an interesting thought this evening, and came to the conclusion that if I were to point out that there are more games than grand theft auto with the stigma for "warping children's minds" then things would be for the better. You're articles wouldn't look so misinformed, they might have a point to make that hasn't already been made many many times before and video games would get a decent contender in Britain for our own nemesis, you could be our Jack Thompson!

So to make things easy, I'll make three categories for you to peruse, The Good ,The Bad and the Ugly

For relevancy's sake I shall stick to current and the most recent generation titles.

The Good

Mass Effect. Xbox 360 This is a large sci-fi role playing game centring around galactic politics, inter-species society and an ancient threat against all these, A well made and deep universe makes the game compelling. It was portrayed in the media is because it has sex scenes, Well just the one sex scene to be honest, and it was barely anything worse than what would be in a steamy episode of Hollyoaks. Fox news covered this with this piece. Mass Effect's makers Bioware also had some minor controversy with another of their games called Dragon Age, a medieval fantasy game that also featured a sex scene, the difference this time was that there was the potential for a homosexual encounter.

The Bad

Manhunt is a Survival horror game, where your character, a convicted murderer, is being hunted by other psychopaths. the twist in this game is that your character has to kill every enemy in a variety of sick ways for the voyeur who has organised this "manhunt" and he records each killing on CCTV for his snuff film empire. I tried playing this game myself, and while the subject was controversial, the game play itself led me to abandon it. I know gamers are portrayed are slavering kill monsters, waiting for their next bloody and gruesome fix, but honestly, this was quite boring. (this game should interest you, it's made by your favourite, Rockstar games! although don't assume that all Rockstar games are about violence and controversy, they made a table tennis game too)

The Ugly

Now before I mention this game, I have never played it, and I would never want to. While I think most games are mostly entertainment and some can be artwork, this game is abhorrent and should never be released on our shores.

Rapelay (please try to ignore the poor quality of the video, it's the best I could find on youtube) This game is a Japanese phenomenon, usually this sort of title is a really just an interactive porn film, but this one centres around the rape of women. the interface is first person and you are given a girl to do what you like with. I don't know much more about it, but I know it's not in sale on Britain, but can potentially be imported.

Now I hope that is of some interest to you because I typed it up very early in the morning when the idea struck me! My purpose is not to cajole you but to educate, Adult subject matter in video games is nothing new, in the early days of video games being on tapes there was an old game called Custer's Revenge, which featured a permanently erect General Custer raping native american women tied to cacti, wonder why that didn't cause so much trouble? here's what it looked Like not exactly titillating is it?

The only reason games are becoming more controversial in both their subject matter, and the eyes of the rest of the world is because that as games have grown up, so have gamers, and their tastes grew up too. Sure some of it is immature, but who can say spending hours watching big brother is classical entertainment either?

Of course it doesn't help that games have become more visually realistic, thus adding to the controversy, but you cant ask video games to regress any more than you would ask films to go back to using black and white film without sound.

Hope you enjoyed reading this, other wise I would have wasted an hour of my life

Kind regards

Stuart Robinson"

So what do you think? will I get a reply this time?

Suggest-a-Topic-O-Matic! 2! Economic Migration!

2009-08-30T05:46:00.000-07:00

I’m glad someone finally mentioned this because I can bring about my expertise to the difficult challenge of economic migration! Which of course I am a double doctorate PHD.
When we consider economic migration (or EM as I shall refer to it when I get bored of typing that repeatedly) we have to ask ourselves a set of questions to help expand our understanding of the complex nuances. What is EM? What Causes EM? And how does EM affect us? These are just a few of the vast number of things we must consider when we simply ask Economic migration? Eh?
What is Economic migration? It’s when financial systems and the support they offer to the societies they inhabit move on to more lucrative subjects in neighbouring regions to feed off. The actual migration might be so small scale that a large enough subject, such as a country or city wouldn’t even notice, but smaller towns would soon wither away to be weak enough to be attacked by raiders, probably from former towns that too were once part of the Economic being’s life cycle.
What Causes Economic migration? Well that is up for debate, some believe that economic migration is caused by some sort of hive mind that belongs to the bank families, causing that bank colony to push their hive (or building society) into a river to float away into a more sustainable location, others believe that banks are comprised of individuals that all work on some sort of nomadic lifestyle, taking their vaults and tills into their traditional range rovers and set off as one tribe. I personally subscribe to the latter theory because it makes more sense, and because the former theory suggests that banking staff are not humans at all and that there must be a banking staff queen, giving birth to thousands of accountants a month.
No, that horrible image to dark to contemplate, and so economic migration is caused by the nomadic lifestyle that is traditional within banking families. Of course when I mention banking families, your natural assumption is to think I’m talking of the BIG banking families, such as the Rothschild’s, but banking staff are all banking families, it is not a career but a lifestyle choice of the tribe.
Banking being the nature it is, it soon causes a land to become toxic with debt and sub-prime mortgage lions start to invade the area, taking away young accounts playing with their first abacus.
So when an area becomes dangerous to the banking families, they pitch up their banks and move on to settle in an area full of rich fertile yuppies to be milked.
What does economic migration do to us?
That really depends on the area you live in. Areas that are becoming wild with Mortgage lions are soon to lose their banks due to economic migration, but this is a positive because the mortgage lions and other diseases that follow the banking families (such as in-the-red fever) soon leave the area, leaving the indigenous populace to reclaim the land, after months or even years, the land is fertile again and will once again become attractive to the nomadic banks that will once again find the area and settle down for the short period of time.
If your area is already filled with banks then everything will seem normal to the indigenous populace, and quite soon they become to wonder how they got on without banks, with being able to access their money supplies through the bank magic of chypeenpin, everyday life becomes easier. This ease of life is good at first and continues to promote economic growth but soon the indigenous populace becomes too lazy to work but still want money, so the nomadic banks offer their help, but then they want more money than they lent you, and this is due to their second and darker form of black bank magic called eyuntar ‘n’ rest and soon enough you have mortgage lions moving in.
The initial period of Economic migration is a joyous one, causing almost utopian levels of bliss in the areas they inhabit, but it soon becomes apparent that his symbiosis of banks and culture is actually a parasitic relationship. This is not the banks fault, it is their culture and their way of life and we should not begrudge them because it is all they know.
Unless it’s true that banks are actually a hive species, lead by evil queens pumping out larvae accounts designed to suck upon our very life force, in which case I would suggest burning down every bank hive you see! And just to be safe, use the flame thrower on any one in a suit too.

Ok I honestly don’t know anything about economic migration. You caught me, well done! But seriously, who does? I even Googled it and there was no Wikipedia! If Wikipedia doesn't know, then it doesn't exist!

Ok that’s all for today! Anyone else fancy picking a topic for the next time I feel like doing this? Please place all suggestions for the next topic into the comments box below. And also places all comments onto the comments box below.

My first go at Suggest-A-Topic-O-matic! (EVERYTHING needs an O-matic): Cloning! Cloning! Cloning! Cloning! Clon.. Ok I’ll stop

2009-08-30T05:45:00.000-07:00

Well here we go! I had this idea (Read, stolen blatantly from Charlie Brooker) to have ideas for topics randomly sent to me by people. Unfortunately I don't have masses of fans, followers or stalkers. Just you lot! Now I'm not any authority on anything, and most of what I say will usually be whatever is amusing to me. Of course there may be a few philosophical considerations and maybe some controversy but anyway, let's give this a go

Al quietly whispered into my ear "CLONING!!!" so that's a good as place as any to start!
Cloning (its official now, it’s underlined)
Ok... umh... Cloning? It’s just like photocopying for people right? That we haven’t got quite right and all the ink comes out smudged, except what’s smudged is your genes and your face comes out all melty. The first animal cloned was a sheep called dolly, which seems a bit redundant really. Sheep look alike already; surely they could have just grabbed the most similar looking sheep and plonked it next to the original dolly.
The real controversy with cloning is the horrible human cloning and its juicy bloody ethical issues. If I have a clone, is it me? Or is it a different person who looks like me? Can you clone a soul? These are all pertinent issues if it weren’t for the fact that TWINS ALREADY EXIST.
Nature makes clones already, they have different personalities due to their upbringing, just because one twin stabs a guy in the eye with a pie (sorry, was on rhyming binge) doesn’t mean that the other twin is instantly compelled too. I think the main complaint about cloning isn’t really from the ethics at all; it’s from Science-Fiction. People assume it will be like photocopying (like some retard said above) when in reality a clone would mature at the same rate a normally born human would and their personality would be develop due to all the social lessons and pressures that we grow up with, not including the social stigma that would involve being a clone (if you were one), plus I can’t really see clones being bullied without having their older model back them up or hundreds of their likenesses on their side.
Would clones be made in batches and used for cheap labour? Another sci-fi staple, you have thousands look-a-likes under the command of some dullard, but in reality, the uneducated masses do just as good as job and pay for themselves. If mass-production of people became a reality then I could see it happening, but... why? Why bother spending all that money when nature has given of plenty of idiots to do the job already.
Could you use clones for replacement bits like in “The Island”? Course you fucking could! And this would also remove the need for AA for any other chemical addiction groups because, well fuck it, get 8 new livers designed for your own body lined up and you could paint the town red in your own cloned blood. In fact why even bother transplanting new organs into an old body? Take your old brain out and attach it to your new 20 year old body and start hell raising again. In the Island the premise was that intelligent humans were being used as meat sacks for living organs to be harvested. But if we have the technology to clone perfect humans, accelerate the growth without repercussion, why can’t we just have the bits, or the new body ready without the ethically painful “life” thing in the way?
Can you clone the Soul? Bit of a religious question this one really, that matters on your perspective but I’ve already touched on this so why not? I don’t plan on getting into any massive religious debate on this one because that way leads to madness, slippers and standing on street corners yelling at pigeons about your big shoe.
Assuming I’m me looking at one person and their clone, I wouldn’t be able to see the soul, assuming it exists, so I’d have to guess of personality and other social traits to tell if it was my friend of the clone of my friend. It’s the nature vs. nurture debate and I very much side on the side of nurture, your past experiences and upbringing shapes you, not your genetic code. It’s possible some traits could be pasted down, like too much arse-scratching, but that would be due to a genetic fault with an itchy anus rather than an actual personality trait.

Whoo! That’s about all I can think of for now, I depending on my mood I may or may not come back to this. Sorry if this isn’t as funny as you may have expected and a bit more rambly, but that was the point of this exercise and I intend to continue with it!
Anyone got another idea for the next topic?