Tom Says - Tools to: Succeed, Love More, and Be Happy

Breaking Sorrow’s Grip

Tom North — Tue, 04 Jan 2022 04:01:45 +0000

Grief is an obstacle to happiness keeping us unhappy. Gratitude can overcome grief. When gratitude isn't enough, often awe is.

To be human is to have expectations that aren't met. Who doesn't wish for a more perfect past, present, and for that matter future? How we live our life depends on what we focus. A happy person focuses on the good that happens, the awe (wonder/admiration), the present and being happy rather than feeling happy. As an unhappy person, I focused on what’s wrong, regrets, my grief, and what will “make me happy.” I self-medicated to escape my pain. I was busy overindulging in work, play, fantasy, and sex. Instead of making me happier, I really was pursuing less unhappy, surviving less poorly. I couldn’t get happier until first I was happy, happy with me, a lesson I learned from a dog named Stache.

I started out as a child, a happy child. Then, at three, the love of my life, my five-year-old sister Nancy, died. Abandoned, the playful, happy part of me died, too. I plunged into a grief that lasted almost a lifetime.

The next 65+ years I pursued lessening my grief getting into and then out of relationships and marriages all too easily often hurting many others in the process. Thankfully, ten years ago, I got a puppy, a Brittany named Stache.

Like the Dalai Lama, when focused on me, he could see right inside to my soul, where my goodness lies. The hook was set. I was his. It was our bond that led to his demise.

Miracle Dog

When walking in the woods, he would take off ahead. Just about the time I would begin wondering where he is, Whoosh! he would come roaring by from behind headed off ahead again. He lived life all-in.

His pursuit once led him onto a street where he was hit by a SUV. Two collapsed lungs, multiple broken ribs! I raced him to the university vet center. It was serious. The grad students examining him had tears. Two days later, Stache said: “I’m out of here”, and we went home. After that, we called him the miracle dog.

I was a rancher with a truck, of course. One day we, Stache and I, went to the ranch in the truck. My ex was there to borrow the truck and trailer. I wasn’t paying attention when she left. But Stache was. Seeing the truck leaving and thinking I had done the unthinkable of leaving him behind, he took off after it.

Lump. lump. I heard the trailer bounce over something where there should be nothing. Oh Nooo! Where's Stache! I ran up the hill to him. Breathless, I swooped him up. Ready to race again to the vet. Neck not right. Dangling. Broken. I sobbed: “My Stache, my miracle dog is gone! Arggh!”

A great master presents a final test when his student is ready. This was mine. Could I be true to my commitment to be happy, never unhappy again?

Abandoned again, grief threatened to overwhelm me. My heart was broken. With Stache as my example, I had found happiness and was committed to it. But…he was gone! I knew I had to grieve without going back to unhappiness. When I was threatened with unhappiness, I postponed the grieving by focusing instead on my gratitude for my happiness and all we had done together: the special adventures; the finding him after being lost in a giant sunflower field for hours; boating, swimming, woods walks, and beach walks. Then, when firmly happy again, I let in more grief.

I lived a life of grief until I learned from Stache to choose gratitude over grievance and be happy with myself. Nobody can take that away as hard as they try. If he could see the good in me and adore me as I am, why shouldn't I? Whenever I came home, no matter how long away, he celebrated like Scooby-Doo getting a Scooby snack racing around the house in ecstasy that I was in his life. By relinquishing my gratitude-over-grief battle, I celebrate with awe him and his all-in commitment to living happily.

I am in awe of the unexpected good that happens. Stache came into my life: Awesome! He died: Awful! My final Stache lesson: live choosing awesome over awful celebrating each day exuberantly.

Overt vs Covert

Tom North — Fri, 15 Oct 2021 19:42:37 +0000

Overt = out in the open where you can clearly see it. Covert = hidden, sneaky.

There are two kinds of narcissists: overt and covert, bullies and victims. Two kinds of martyrs.

Both kinds seek control, being #1.

Overt, the bullies, make it clear: my way or else.

Covert play the poor me game and they play it well because they really believe in it. They have been victimized no matter what their actual role which they are unable to see for themselves.

Fair Fighting

Tom North — Thu, 14 Oct 2021 20:28:08 +0000

All relationships have contention. Healthy relationships more easily resolve contention. We all have hidden agendas, wounded egos, from our past that at times get triggered. Fair fighting is how to keep those from sabotaging the relationship.

There are tons of good articles on the internet about fair fighting rules. The point is to enter into a fair fighting agreement ahead of time. Sort out which rules work for you: no name calling, one issue at a time, face-to-face vs text or email, assisted, time-outs. Time-outs are important. When I feel I am not longer in my adult, it’s time for a time-out. An appropriate time-out makes it clear I want to return to the discussion and when. I don’t leave the other person hanging. It’s not a weapon. It’s a strategy for mutual benefit.

Learn to attend to what’s being presented without fixing. What are the feelings? Feelings aren’t: “I feel that..” That’s just an opinion in disguise. Often the “issue” is not the issue. There is something else maybe more personal driving the issue. Maybe (often most likely) from the past, perhaps the distant past. Curiosity, understanding, empathy, compassion are the keys.

Agenda

Tom North — Thu, 14 Oct 2021 20:12:12 +0000

What’s your agenda? Self-full or selfish? Self-full means to fulfill your purpose in a mindful way. Mindful of what? Mindful of others’ humanity. Selfish on the other hand is: it’s all about me. An example:

I was out to dinner with my mother and son. A waiter spilled his drink on my son. My mother said: “It’s a good thing that didn’t happen to me.” Now, we might all have thought that, too. However, appropriate empathy would be directed to the injured party, my son with the Coke all over him.

Do I put me first? Do I need to always be #1 in relationships? Am I longing rather than loving? Getting rather than giving as my main or sole priority.

Liking is about what I am getting. Longing is about what I’m not getting. Loving is about giving.

Loving and longing can look the same: Attention, Acceptance, Appreciation, Affection. But the Agenda is different. True gift, no strings attached. Or, manipulation.

Agenda is key in any relationship. Do I value the other more or the relationship more? Do I hold back in saying what needs to be said out of fear of damaging the relationship (what I am getting) or do I value the well-being of the other first?

Godzilla Meets King Kong

Tom North — Sun, 10 Oct 2021 19:04:06 +0000

When we are under attack, our partner’s amygdala is triggered. Some call this the reptilian brain. It’s like suddenly Godzilla has shown up with every hurt ever experienced as her weapons. We can choose to match Godzilla with Godzilla deflecting and denying, counter-attacking. Or, a more compassionate approach, a more loving approach is King Kong, stay in our mammalian brain, our adult. Tell me more. Tell me more. Tell me more. Remembering: “I Love this woman so very much.” Over and over. It can take hours, days or weeks for her to return to her adult. That is when we can find out what is the real reason she’s upset What hurt in the present is triggering her hurts from the past, her fears, her insecurities that have pushed her into that fight or flight mode.

The issue is rarely the issue. The more unfair (you never, you always), the more irrational, the more untimely (25 years ago you…) the more likely it’s just the amygdala on attack. The more curiosity and a quest for understanding and empathy is called for. Clarifying questions and time outs are your friends. Time outs (not “space”) when your fight response surfaces. Time-outs with a time limit to return to the discussion, because that is what it is: a discussion masquerading as a fight. Time-outs when tempted to resort to sarcasm, defending yourself, “yeah, but you”, ridiculing, humiliating, rationalizing.

Beware the Blind Avenger

Tom North — Mon, 27 Sep 2021 19:15:32 +0000

Two of the roles we focus on at Great Guys is the Martyr and the Hero. These are the codependency roles. Hero enables, Martyr controls. The Avenger is a combination of the two. A martyr on a crusade to avenge a wrong which may actually be buried in generations past.

Thinks she is in charge on a crusade to right some wrong. Condemns rather than confirms. Driven by half truths and untruths rather than understanding, knowing rather than curiosity, self righteous indignation rather than truth, justice rather than loving kindness. Wounded. Mean. Vindictive. Vicious.

The puppet not the master on a fool’s mission. Justice sword in hand without weighing the facts. Victim turned heroic bully. Powerful not empowering. Not just blind but deaf, too. Listening to only what supports her position.

You can’t earn love!

Tom North — Thu, 23 Sep 2021 19:39:39 +0000

You can’t. Or happiness

It’s not about what you do but rather about what you are.

What we think is love is actually instead a loving relationship. One where it appears we are loved. It’s also one where we have a caring feeling for another. Often with a hidden expectation to get in return. Get what? The happiness we don’t have within. Fill in the void of what’s missing. Make me happy. Or rather take away my unhappiness.

We mistake less unhappy for happier when one can’t be happier unless one is first happy. Not feeling happy. Actually being happy.

When we were born, we were precious. We naturally attracted love. We brought joy to our parents. And the desire to provide for and protect. How did that happen? It happened because we are born with inherent goodness. Love responds to inherent goodness. A parent’s inherent goodness cannot help but reach out in love to their infant’s inherent goodness. The bond is created. Not just the baby is born. The relationship is born.

Later ego develops to protect. It senses what is dangerous and alerts us. It protects inherent goodness by shielding it so it isn’t so vulnerable. Inherent goodness withdraws and doesn’t attract love while ego learns more and more what is potentially dangerous and must be protected from.

It’s said the Dalai Lama and look into your eyes and see your soul. I suspect he has mastered his ego, if in fact it ever developed. Maybe not, considering his protected upbringing. Without ego he comes from inherent goodness. He projects inherent goodness. It, inherent goodness, when obvious is seductive. Another’s inherent goodness can’t help but reach out to connect in love. This is what the Dalai Lama sees in another, their inherent goodness.

It’s not something we do. We don’t earn inherent goodness. We are born with it. We have it. Many disconnect with it when ego takes charge. With some, all too many, ego remains in charge. Inherent goodness retreats further and further never abandoning the possibility, the hope of reconnecting with true self.

Self-Righteous Indignation

Tom North — Thu, 23 Sep 2021 19:25:42 +0000

When I think back at all the times things have gone awry, self-righteous indignation (“SRI”) was right there whispering in my ear. I felt right. I felt wronged. I wasn’t curious. I condemned. My bruised ego was in charge. I didn’t choose loving kindness over justice. Why should I? I was right and wronged! All the “poor me” from my entire life, all the powerlessness, was going to be avenged. Always things went from bad to worse.

It takes days not hours maybe weeks to shake off SRI and return to being a rational adult. It takes curiosity searching for the truth to avoid the pitfall of condemnation. Don’t be a right fighter. Be a fair fighter.

Happiness Formula

Tom North — Mon, 26 Jul 2021 18:53:08 +0000

Thesis: Happiness is a function of love of life and love of self.

Love of life is a function of our gratitudes and grievances.
Love of self is a function of self-like and self-loathing.
Love of self is dominate, without it there is no happiness just more or less unhappiness.
Often, we confuse less unhappy with life for happy.

I became happy just a few years ago. Prior to that I had been exercising my unalienable right to pursue happiness. Four marriages and divorces later I still didn’t know what happy was. Until it found me.

Mick Brown among others has said: Happiness cannot be pursued. You do not find happiness. Happiness finds you… Often arriving when it is least expected.

Since then, I have studied happiness. Three college courses, several books, workshops and videos later this is what I’ve found:

Many consider the goal in this pursuit is to have happiness. That Happy is having what you want or as Fred Luskin, Stanford professor on forgiveness say: Wanting what you have.

Winter of 1967, I was in Moscow. There I saw lines of citizens in dark heavy coats standing in the cold. Shortages were a way of life then. I found out when people there saw a line they would get in it. It meant a store had something to sell. Didn’t matter what they were eager to get what they could. That’s a level of wanting what you have unknown to me and hardly sounds happy.

What’s it mean to be happy?

Ira Israel, west coast psychotherapist and author of A Beginner’s Guide to Happiness, says:

Happy = When What You Have > What You Want. In other words, having more than you want.

In positive psychology, happiness is PERMA, having:

1. Positive emotions,

2. Engagement (Flow),

3. Personal Relationships,

4. Meaningful life

5. Accomplishments

There is an issue however with having: hedonic adaptation. The enjoyment we get from having dissipates fairly rapidly. The cool new car quickly becomes the car.

Perhaps then: happiness is wanting what you have more than wanting what you don’t have. Regrettably, it turns out the wanting that was satisfied is quickly replaced by new wantings that, oh by the way, are stronger than what it turns out the having will ever deliver. An endless treadmill to dissatisfaction.

Worse yet all these havings can and all too often will eventually be taken away. For example, Brene Brown says all relationships end badly.

We only rarely meet expectations: having what we want. And, only for a while. Instead, we grieve our past, present, and future. The hopes for a more perfect past, present, and future. Sorrow for what was and wasn’t. For what was lost. Longing for what isn’t. Regret for what is. Anxiety for what might or might not be, fearing what will never be again.

All three courses I have taken encourage Gratitude. It’s not enough to want what you have but rather to be appreciative for it. Further, we are encouraged to expand our Gratitude with Awe. Awe for what benevolence has provided. Unearned having. Just because we are.

Having gratitudes greater than our grievances explains feeling happy with our lives.

What if happiness is the combination of feeling happy and being happy. Feeling happy for the goodness in our lives and being happy for our own goodness.

The challenge in being happy is any and all self-loathing baggage we carry with us. All the shame, guilt, sorrow, humiliation, rejection. All the I am my story from my past as opposed to I am what I stand for today which is helping good happen.

The How of Happiness says happy is 50% genetic, 10% circumstance, and 40% self-control. It’s not our circumstances that matter so much, not all the having. But rather the story we make up about our life and ourselves.

At the start, I said I became happy. It happened when I rid myself of that baggage: forgiving myself for everything I had ever done. Being forgiven unconditionally. And, then, did the same for everyone else. Letting go of grievances as the author of my story. Instead making benevolence the author. Appreciating all the good that has happened. Then, my life’s view is to steadily maintain my goodness and out of gratitude for all the goodness that has happened for me, paying it forward by helping good happen. It isn’t unconditional. There is discernment. My abilities are limited. Each day has many, many opportunities. Slowly, I learn generosity especially to those endeavoring to do the same.

Finally, then let’s consider happiness to be feeling happy with my life and being happy with me. The happiness formula becomes:

Happy (H) = (Love-Life/Grievances) * (Self-Love/Self-Loathing)

Where Adult > Martyr and Happy = Love/Don’t Like:

Love Life = Awe * Fun * Generosity * Gratitudes
Self-Love = Self-Care * Self-Like

Conclusions:

1. I can’t be happy (H) unless I am happy with myself (Self-Love)

2. Nothing can take it away. However, I give it away whenever I dive into self-loathing (e.g. “I am so not enough”). “So” condemns me to living in and repeating my past. “I am” means I identify with not enough. I let not enough be the author of my story. It is what I am. It’s when I take on martyr as my role instead of adult.

3. Trying to feel happier with more life enjoyment (G/G) only works if one is first happy with oneself (S.L.-S.L.).

4. There is a difference between love and like. Love is a gift. Like is what we get. So, G/G can also represent giving/getting. Loving life involves giving more than getting.

5. Loving oneself is about giving oneself more self-like and less self-loath in the story we tell ourselves.

6. If not happy with me, not self-loving, then it’s better to have more grievances like a martyr or entitled narcissist for examples.

7. Really liking oneself can overcome great adversity.

8. Barely liking oneself leads to looking for happiness elsewhere.

With Prejudice

Tom North — Sat, 03 Jul 2021 21:03:42 +0000

If you're a defendant, having your case dismissed with prejudice is a good thing. It means you are free from the fear of ever it being brought against you again.

For a relationship, not so good. Dismissed, rejected. Hurts. We've all been let go at one time or another in one way or another. With Prejudice: the wound we carry, the judgement we have of not being good enough. When a kid and left out, you might have heard: “Well, don't take it so personal! What's the matter with you?” Adding insult to injury. We did take it personal(ly). And, in some way never forgot. Carrying that prejudice of ourself through life. Hesitating to risk it again.

Heartbreak happens. It can be all about the other. Nothing to do with you. My heart was broken as a teenager. The love of my life suddenly with no notice or explanation broke it off. What had I done wrong? Why wasn’t I good enough? No response. I was devastated. Hid in the first meaningless relationship I could find. 45 years later I learned the answer: nothing. I had done nothing wrong. I was more than good enough. She feared the consequences of being only 16 and loving me too much. When do couples break up over too much love?! It was cruel not knowing. What's often crueler is what we are told that isn't the truth just to make us feel better.

Fortunately, for me, we didn’t go to the same school. So, I didn’t have to suffer the further humiliation of longing looks and smirking friends. We still love each other. Only now from afar and not too much.

Whole Again

Tom North — Sat, 03 Jul 2021 20:40:00 +0000

Many of us have a sense something is missing. There's a void. A void we want to fill. A void that leaves us feeling incomplete. Something is missing. So, we look to fill it. Or deaden it. Numb it. We self-medicate. Drugs, sex, sports, work. Busy. An endless treadmill. Looking outside for help. Next. More. Powerless within. Perhaps a new relationship will fill it. Or just give up. It isn't missing. We've lost touch. It's there within all along. Waiting patiently for our return. It's our inherent goodness. Abandoned to confirm. To survive.

Be whole and alive again. At Great Guys.

Depressed or Unhappy. Which is it?

Tom North — Sat, 03 Jul 2021 20:27:00 +0000

How do you know? I thought I was depressed. Others thought I was depressed. Most my life. I'm not so sure. It's well known male depression is a big issue. Certainly many are clinically depressed. Are the rest depressed or unhappy? That is to say in a steady state of unhappiness. I've noticed unhappy men consider happiness an emotion something they feel, a feeling. As such, there is little control. It's dependent on my circumstances. At some point I decide to do something about it. Hopefully. What if rather than depressed I am unhappy? And I know how to do something about it. I can return to happy and the strength and power there to improve my circumstances. What if I never let them take away my happiness in the first place. They can take away my joy but not my happiness. That is mine. Nobody and nothing takes that away. I make me happy. Nobody, nothing else can.

Grief

Tom North — Sat, 03 Jul 2021 19:01:00 +0000

It’s possible many if not all of us are grieving. “Grieving what?” you might ask. All that fell short of expectations. All I did that I shouldn’t have - guilt. All I didn’t do that I should have - opportunity lost. All that was done to me that I wish wasn’t - shame. All that wasn’t done for me that I wish had - longing. When these things did or didn’t happen to another we might have empathy but nothing like when it is about me.

In effect we are victims of our grief. It sneaks in whenever the door opens and we let it in. We pine for what was or wasn’t and should have been and isn’t.

I ask you: “What good does it do? How is it making me a better man or helping me have a better life?” It isn’t. In fact, it’s consuming emotional energy better spent in other ways.

What then? How to let it go? Why let it go? That’s easy. I’ll like myself a whole lot more. I’ll be a whole lot less unhappy. I might even become happy. And, certainly a better man.

Forgive. I’m sure you’ve heard a lot about forgiveness. All too often forgiveness is about forgiving others and being forgiven. However, the real power of forgiveness is when we forgive ourselves. Wipe the slate clean. Embrace your inherent goodness. Commit to your innocence. Now. From now on. Can’t change the past. Can’t heal all wounds. Can close the door and stop leaving it open to shame, guilt, sorrow.

Do it. It’s best done with the support of got your back friends: the men of Great Guys.

With

Tom North — Sat, 03 Jul 2021 17:22:00 +0000

Happy with. In love with. The focus seems to be always on the outside. I am happy with how you look. I am in love with my children. I am happy with my job, my car, my, my, my.

How about: I am happy? Just that. What would that mean? I am happy with me? I am good and that is enough.

And, what if it were sufficient to be a man in love? Not in love with? Just simply in love. Then love and happy are states of being rather than emotions dependent on things and people outside of me over which I have no control and eventually will stop “making me happy”.

It isn’t they who make me happy. It’s the story I make up about them. I make me happy. If I am depressed and unhappy (perhaps they are the same), I choose things that annoy me to complain about. I make up stories based on my beliefs to re-enforce those beliefs. When I am happy, I choose to think about those things about which I have stories that bring me joy. In effect, I attract joy.

Happy attracts joy.

Great Guys are happy and in love. Come be a Great Guy. You’ll love being happy.

Daily Practice

Tom North — Tue, 22 Jun 2021 21:35:54 +0000

Having a daily practice is an act of mindfulness of being present for how you are in the world. David Richo, author of How to be an Adult in Love (which is an easy read and most profound description of the 5 keys to mindful loving), says in one video that he has a daily practice of loving kindness. David combines Christianity and Buddhism in his practices. I’ve extended this to having a daily practice of choosing loving kindness over justice. Why?

To recognize I am at choice every moment of my conscious living.
To recognize justice is an option. Nice way of saying vengeance. Getting even. Righting the score. Problem is all too often justice today is embedded in injustice ago. Balancing the scales today often means overcorrecting for today’s perceived hurt.
Daily. This is important. So very important. As David says of his practice, he often fails. It’s not about perfection. Daily means each day I start over. Coming up short yesterday can be lesson to make today just right. I forgive myself for being human, for being a part of humanity that errs. As long as I don’t give up, I haven’t failed.
Practice. Another reminder of imperfection. We practice to get better. Takes conscious dedication and a desire to grow less encumbered daily by our past.

Me, Too.

Tom North — Sat, 05 Jun 2021 20:53:02 +0000

Possibly the two most powerful words along my journey were: “Me, too.”

I had just shared my deepest darkest most shameful secret not about my past but about my present, what I am doing right now. It’s one thing to distance yourself from your past. Much tougher to acknowledge what is happening right now.

When I did, my buddy, Steve, looked at me and simply said: “Me, too.” There it was. I wasn’t broken. It was unforgiveable. Not a sin. Just a quirk. Just a brain rut that I was stuck in and hadn’t yet figured my way out of. Still haven’t. But now there is no shame associated with it. I just accept when it comes up. Welcome it: “Hi, there you are again.” And, am grateful for: “Wow, it’s been a long time. How’ve you been? I’ve been well.”

Thanks, Steve.

What I’m saying is: possibly the most loving thing one man can say to another is: “Me, too!” We carry a ton of shame and guilt. A lot of it is not just what we did, but what we are doing inside our heads, what we think. Some of it is a bad habit. We think we are broken, defective. We hide it from everyone fearful of being judged. When we can share it in a non-judgmental men’s group and discover we aren’t broken, all that energy that’s been keeping it locked up is set free for greater good. “Me, too!” does all that. “Me, too” says I’m not a freak. I’m not broken. It’s ok. I’m ok. I can accept that part of myself that I think maybe isn’t optimal and just is.

I hope no-one thinks in any way this post is meant to detract from #me-too.

I am not my story

Tom North — Sat, 05 Jun 2021 20:41:01 +0000

There are few things more powerful than realizing that “I am not my story”. We all have stories. And it is good to tell our stories in the radical acceptance of a non-judgmental men’s group. That acceptance is comes partly from the fact we all have stories. I’d rather not be judged about mine and so withhold judgment of yours. In a healing group, there is no advantage in judgment because there is no agenda to seek advantage.

Having told my story and releasing the bound up energy being consumed constantly to contain the shame and guilt I fear will be judged, I am able to turn towards more positive pursuits of a meaningful life.

At that point, realizing I am not my story puts me on a new trajectory. That was then. This is now. I am me now. What I stand for now. Letting go of attachment to my story releases frustrated expectations and resentment.

Stanley, Buddhist Dachshund

Tom North — Sat, 05 Jun 2021 16:57:34 +0000

Stanley lives next door. He’s a miniature Dachshund. And a rescue. My neighbors, Mike and Lisa, got him about a month ago. When Lisa told me about getting him, the only thing I said was: “He’s not a barker. Is he?”

It’s true little dogs don’t bark. They yap. Often! Stanley is no different.

Mike immediately became attached to Stanley. There was no going back. Mike is a very good neighbor. Recently when I brought home a big heavy box of furniture, without being asked Mike was over to help out and truth be know did most the work.

My bedroom and office are on the side of the house closest to Stanley.

I have a tape in my head that undisciplined dogs are a sign of an undisciplined owner.

This daily torment could get to me if I let it. I believe gratitude is the best antidote for grief, which you may recall from my blog on Stache, the happiness guru Brittany.

Today, I recognized how grateful I am to have such a good neighbor and how grateful I am that Stanley brings Mike joy. Reframing his barks as gifts to Mike eases my grief of having Stan’s continuing presence. I’m looking forward to how this reframing works.

When the ego learns to trust the adult

Tom North — Wed, 02 Jun 2021 06:40:00 +0000

The monkey mind calms.

A man I know, Greg, would say his adult told the ego: ”I've got this one”.

Our ego is our protector. Has been since childhood. Learned most of what was dangerous back then when powerless and we needed to conform to survive.

It’s still on guard. And, it reacts faster than our adult mind can think. Reacts and often gets us into trouble when we suspect danger rather than curious possibility.

It makes sense that the ego’s reaction is just as strong now as it was then. We wouldn’t want to have our awareness of danger dim and leave us unprotected. Not if we want to survive.

In fact, we may have an emotional reaction to a memory long since forgotten.

Whatever it takes to be safe.

It’s a habit we can break. Mindfulness is helpful. Pausing works. Over time we teach the ego to trust the adult. That adult has this one. Then, the ego can relax. Still on the bus. Just not driving it and our anxiety drops precipitously.

We are all in this together

Tom North — Thu, 06 May 2021 18:55:00 +0000

The tree-huggers like to say there is no away. You can’t throw anything away. Think about it.

Similarly, there is no They. No They to be responsible for everything that goes wrong. No They to say what they say. There is just We. We are all in this together.

Who are They?
Those casting the blame claiming justice for us because a scant few were persecuted.

In Africa, there is the term Ubuntu. James Clear wrote How can I be happy if you are sad? It’s an eye opening tale. In there, he explains that we are all in this together, Ubuntu. Archbishop Desmond Tutu refers to Ubuntu as:

“A person with ubuntu is open and available to others… that comes from knowing that he or she belongs in a greater whole and is diminished when others are humiliated or diminished.”
- Desmond Tutu

To dehumanize another is first to be dehumanized, to distant oneself from inherent goodness. It’s painful to be distant. It can make us crazy. We do crazy things. We later wonder was that me, really? Or fraternize with others similarly pained. Being innocent isn’t sufficient. Standing by when others are dehumanized is equally distancing.

What’s your stand? What do you stand for?

Ready to make that stand:

Gauge Your Greatness!