Tominthebox News Network - Religious Humor/Satire

Acts Body Wash - Smell Like the Early Church!

noreply@blogger.com (thbslawson) — Fri, 09 Mar 2012 18:13:00 +0000

Do you want to be as close as possible to the church in Acts?Have you washed your hands of the institutional church for the pure and authentic New Testament experience? Now you can wash your body of it too with all new Acts Body Wash. After just one shower, you're home church will not only look just like the church of the New Testament, but will smell like it too!

Acts Body Wash is specially formulated to replicate the smells of the first-century Near East. Based on the most accurate historic research, our scientists have painstakingly produced what is believed to be the the exact smells of New Testament times. These smells include:

Human sewerage waste
Animal dung
Rotting meat
Dead fish
Six-month unbathed person
Filth
Death

So try new Acts Body Wash today and you're church will not only look New Testament, but will smell like it too!

New Baptist Hymnal Eliminates "Non-Essential" Verses

noreply@blogger.com (thbslawson) — Mon, 26 Dec 2011 18:35:00 +0000

NASHVILLE, TENNESSEE

Lifeway Publishing, the official publishing house of the Southern Baptist Convention, announced today the release of a new edition of "The Baptist Hymnal" for 2012. The hymnal will feature a number of updates and improvements including over 40 new songs, a number of key changes, and extra instrumentation. In addition, the hymnal will feature most hymns with all but the first and last verses or the first, second and last verses eliminated.

"Most song leaders and music ministers only sing the first and last verses or the first, second and last verses," said Jerry Todd, director of publications for the hymnal. "To keep people from getting too confused we decided to just save time and go ahead and eliminate them."

Music ministers around the country expressed delight when learning of the new hymnal.

"This will really help," said Larry Moony, a music minister from Macon, Georgia. "We haven't sung a third verse in over 30 years at our church."

Michael Moore Contemplating Attending Kim Jong Il Funeral

noreply@blogger.com (thbslawson) — Thu, 22 Dec 2011 18:20:00 +0000

LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA

Controversial filmmaker Michael Moore commented on Tuesday that he is contemplating attending the funeral of North Korean Dictator Kim Jong Il. Kim, who passed away on Monday, was notorious for his brutal Stalinist-like dictatorship, imprisoning thousands, brutally repressing his own people, and responsible both directly and indirectly for the deaths of millions. He also ruled with an iron fist over a country whose propaganda machine churched out a ceaseless barrage of anti-American rhetoric.

"I know Kim Jong Il was criticized by many because of his brutal tactics, but I can't help but admire the man a little" said Moore during and interview. "I mean, anyone who hated America that much couldn't have been all that bad."

Aside from simply hating America, Moore noted that he admired Kim's desire to destroy America and turn neighboring South Korea into a "sea of ashes."

"I'm always in support of anyone who is willing to stand up against the brutal and oppressive regime that is the United States," quipped Moore. "I'm in contact with the government of the Democratic People's Republic of Korea, and am hoping for an invite to attend the funeral services. I'm excited about meeting the Great Successor, Kim Jong Un."

Moore went on to say that his only reservation about visiting North Korea was the possible lack of food there due to widespread famine and starvation.

Kim Jong Un Probably Not Sabbatarian

noreply@blogger.com (thbslawson) — Wed, 21 Dec 2011 14:49:00 +0000

PYONGYANG, NORTH KOREA

Since the death of Kim Jong Il, the man North Koreans called the "Dear Leader", the world has held its breath, carefully watching every move of the rouge communist nation, hoping for the best. Analysts and experts have carefully scrutinized North Korean newscasts, and military units have been placed on alert throughout the Korean Peninsula as a precaution in the event the reclusive and unpredictable nation was to attempt some kind of provocative action during this sensitive period. Little is known about the heir apparent, Kim Jong Un. Young, inexperienced and educated in the West, many are hoping that his rise to power will signal a new period of openness for North Korea.

But while the world waits anxiously, keeping a careful eye on a Stalinist nation that possesses nuclear weapons, one group is concerning itself with what it says are "more pressing matters." A group of theological leaders from around the country recently gathered in Chicago and concluded that Kim Jong Un, the next leader of the communist dynasty, is "probably not a sabbatarian."

"By all accounts, Kim Jong Un is not a Sabbatarian," stated Peter Ford, one of the pastors present at the meeting. "We see evidence that he works on Sundays, and has even accompanied his late father on tours throughout North Korea to provide 'field guidance' also on Sundays. To us it seems pretty clear that he is not a man who believes in keeping the Sabbath."

Sabbatarianism, the belief that Christians should observe Sunday as the "Sabbath Day" much like it was observed in the Old Testament, is a position held by many in conservative Reformed churches. The issue has sometimes caused division among believers as to how it should be precisely addressed and practically applied. This is the first time, however, that a group has formally made such an accusation against the leader of a foreign nation.

Ford further commented, "It's important to know as much about the man as we can. He's going to be leading North Korea for what will probably be several decades. It's obvious that he, as a man who doesn't believe in keeping the Sabbath, could quite possibly launch a missile on a Sunday or, perhaps, make threats to turn Seoul into a 'fiery pit of ashes,' and that affects us all."

Also discussed at the meeting were the young dictator's views on six-day creationism and exclusive psalmody.

Pet-Integrated Worship Flops

noreply@blogger.com (thbslawson) — Tue, 20 Dec 2011 14:28:00 +0000

OSBURG, WASHINGTON

Almost a decade ago, The Healing Place Church of Osburg began adopting a more family-integrated model of doing things. For them, this meant an end to children's church, and a complete change to their Sunday School schedule. No longer were children and adults separated into classes, but rather, they began meeting together for a family class. This philosophy of worship has worked well for the church over the past ten years. The church has grown from about 15 families to almost 50 on a typical Sunday. Parents have become more involved in the lives of their children, and other adults in the church interact more regularly with whole families.

Seeing how well the family-integrated model worked, the church recently decided to take things a step further.

"Pets are an important part of a family," said the church's pastor, Jim Rickman, "and if we truly desire to see the whole family together in worship, that's going to include the pets too."

After much debate, the church announced that pets would be welcome in worship. The first Sunday in November would mark the beginning of a new era for Healing Place. But things didn't go quite as they had hoped.

"We didn't quite think things through well enough," noted Rickman. "We had expected a few dogs and cats, but we got more than we bargained for."

The presence of dogs and cats in worship was enough to significantly disturb the service. Besides the barking and meowing, several chases broke out prior to the prelude. The call to worship was accented by a "yippy little dog" whose high-pitch bark apparently triggered a seizure in one of the ushers. And during the first hymn a cat managed to jump on top of the communion table and begin eating the bread.

Besides dogs and cats, several other pets of a more exotic nature caused an uproar. Even though kept in a terrarium, one young man's pet rattlesnake was enough to send a group of people screaming from the service. The screams were accented by other shrieks induced by various pet tarantulas, iguanas, and even an aardvark. The service was forced to an abrupt end whenever several dogs began marking various pews as their territory.

"We went too far," quipped Rickman. "Thankfully, the repairs to the sanctuary are not as expensive as we first thought, but I think we're going to have a hard time convincing anyone to drink from the communion cups again, especially after that cat used them as a litter box."

Atheists Bemoan Commercialization of Meaninglessness

noreply@blogger.com (thbslawson) — Mon, 19 Dec 2011 15:51:00 +0000

MUNICH, GERMANY

A world gathering of atheists occurred this past weekend in Munich to discuss how the "meaninglessness of atheism is becoming so commercialized." Led by the outspoken and controversial Richard Dawkins, the group of "intellectuals" and "rationalists" from over 45 different countries listened to lectures and participated in roundtable forums that dealt with the issue.

"Our goal was to encourage one another, and help each other remember the true meaning of life, mainly, that it is meaningless, pointless and short." said Dawkins

In the opening address to the enthusiastic crowd, Dawkins dealt with the issue of the commercialization of atheism.

"What we are currently seeing worldwide is a mass influx of everyday people to atheism, and as a result it's beginning to lose its true hopelessness. Some of these people are abandoning their beliefs in deity and joining our cause, but at the same time they're bringing in such ideas as hope, optimism, and purpose in life, and this is something that we as faithful unbelievers need to seriously address. Every effort must be made to reclaim the true meaninglessness of life, to reclaim the great truth of the pointlessness of our existence."

Over the course of the conference the group formulated a motto that they hope will serve as a battle cry for those atheists who want to remember the true misery of life. "Nothing is the reason for our existence."

At the close of the conference Dawkins noted, "We believe that having a short, pithy statement such as this can help our atheists brothers and sisters out there keep in mind the great truth that all of life has pointlessly come from nothing and is going to nothing."

The Bad Church Solo: A Survival Guide

noreply@blogger.com (thbslawson) — Tue, 13 Dec 2011 04:33:00 +0000

We've all been there at one time or another. It's Sunday morning and the praise and worship portion of the service is done. Now we've reached the time for "special music." Sometimes the choir sings, other times it might be an instrumental piece. But inevitably, at least once a month, there will be a solo.

Yes, the church solo. It seems that no single event in a worship service can elicit such a contrasting array of emotions in a congregation. There's joy and encouragement from a solo well-done. But then there's the utter awkwardness and, quite possibly, physical pain of having to listen to someone who obviously is waiting for his or her talent to blossom in the heavenly choir.

We all know the person I'm talking about. It usually begins the minute you scan over your bulletin and see so-and-so's name written by the words "special music." You let out a subtle, under-your-breath groan, and from that point on, you're attention is distracted as you anticipate the inevitable. And then it comes. The soloist takes center-stage, and with microphone in hand, prepares to drop this bomb of blessing on the congregation, annihilating everything in the room. It's at this moment, while the seemingly endless intro to the song is playing, that you brace yourself for what's about to come. Will you survive the blast?

First, it's important to note, do not be confused by what you perceive to be others' enjoyment of the singing. One of the most confusing aspects of the bad church solo is the apparent delight that others around you are taking in it. Do not let this throw you off. You may see smiling faces, nodding heads, people grinning from ear to ear, feet gently tapping to the beat, all in an apparent blessed state of rapture. But there are several reasons for this. First, remember that there are people who are genuinely tone-deaf, and therefore, they are totally oblivious to what is going on. Secondly, there are others who have mastered the art of surviving the bad church solo, an art I hope to teach you here. And thirdly, there are those that are convinced that anyone can do anything in the church so long as his or her heart is sincere, despite apparent gifts of lack thereof. People in this third category would take delight in nails on a chalkboard so long as one's "heart was in it."

So if you're not tone deaf, and if you're not one of these people that thinks anyone should be allowed to sing a solo in church, then here are some survival tips for you.

1. The Tongue Bite - Are you tempted to burst out laughing? The tongue bite helps. Begin by lightly biting the tip of your tongue, not too hard, but hard enough to make yourself feel a little uncomfortable, thus distracting you. Combine this with a contemplative subtle smile and a gentle nodding of the head.

2. Head Slightly Tilted, Eyes Squinted in Contemplation - If the solo is no longer comical, but has moved into the realm of the painful, you can prevent revealing your apparent agony by slightly tilting your head to one side and squinting your eyes just a little. This gives you the appearance of pious contemplation, a look that says "I'm thinking deeply about this profound truth before me."

3. Big Grin - If the song is supposed to be a happy one, and you're tempted to laugh hysterically, just put a big ole grin on your face, look directly at the singer, and nod to the music. Everyone will think you're really into it. If the temptation hits you to move from grinning to laughing, control this with a "yes" or an "amen" or even what I call the Presbyterian Grunt, a firm but unobtrusive under-the-breath "hmmm" that signals affirmation of an important point.

4. Eyes Closed in Deep Meditation, Think of Green Peas - This one is the most extreme, especially when the solo is very very long, very very slow, and is supposed to be very very profound. In these types of songs the soloist is usually holding long, sustained off-pitch notes, and we've probably passed the 6 minute mark with no end in sight. This one is simple to do. Simply close your eyes and imagine a big pot of green peas. The first part will give everyone the impression that you're so blessed you've been driven to a state of deep meditation, and the second part, the green peas, will keep you from going crazy. I suggest green peas, because they're a neutral object. There's nothing funny, profound, or particularly interesting about green peas. If this doesn't work for you, think of a neutral object that works and focus upon it.

5. Take Your Kid to the Bathroom - If you have children, there's nothing like dragging them in to your charade. Whether he or she needs to go or not, make it seem like your kid is about to wet his or herself and you need to make a beeline for the potty post haste. No one will fault you for this one.

6. Coughing Fit, Leave the Room - This is the worst case scenario. Use this one when all else has failed and you just can't endure one moment more. Sick or not, you must have a coughing fit that will signal your need to leave the sanctuary. Start with a small one, then several more, then proceed to an all out conniption while unobtrusively heading toward the exit. Do this while holding a hand over your chest conveying a look that says "Man, I don't know what that came from. I must be having an asthma attack or something." Once outside, head straight for the water fountain. The only disadvantage to this one is that only one person can use it in the service. If someone else beats you to it, you're going to have to revert to some of the other methods.

There, I hope that helps next time you find yourself in the throes of musical purgatory. There might be other methods out there. I encourage TBNN readers to share your stories of how you've endured bad church solos in the past.

TBNN 2012 Presidential Voting Guide

noreply@blogger.com (thbslawson) — Fri, 09 Dec 2011 16:17:00 +0000

Church Promotes Chainsaw Juggling Ministry

noreply@blogger.com (thbslawson) — Thu, 08 Dec 2011 14:08:00 +0000

NASHVILLE, TN

Eastside Christian Assembly, is a church that truly believes that all members are called to serve. The large suburban church of almost 5,000 encourages every member to use his or her gifts for the edification of the body and building up of the kingdom...no matter how unique or bizzare.

"We have over 3,900 official ministries of the church," said pastor Kent Donnen. "If someone comes along with a particular gifting and we don't have a place for him or her, we make a place. We don't want to turn away or minimize anyone's area of service."

Like most churches, in the early years of ECA there were only a handful of ministries, such as Teaching, Administration, Worship and Music. But as the church grew, and more and more members wanted to serve, the church began adding other official "ministries." Some of them include;

-Biking ministry

-Hand puppet ministry

-Toe puppet ministry

-Fish tank cleaning ministry

-Football ministry

-Football watching ministry

The most recent addition came when new member, Steve Cowell presented his unique and dangerous talent to the church's leadership.

"I juggle chainsaws," said Cowell. "I perform shows all over the country, and for private parties, but I really feel called to serve in the church."

When Cowell approached the pastor and elders about where he could serve, they quickly surmised that they needed to form a new ministry department.

"We are excited about what Steve is going to bring to our church," stated Donnen. "His chainsaw weilding will no doubt build up the Kingdom. We also intend to involve him in our Sunday morning worship sometime, perhaps having him perform during the offertory, or accompany my preaching as an object lesson. I think it would go well with a judgement passage or something pretty forceful."

When asked how long Cowell had been performing, he stated "Ten years now," while holding up his seven remaining fingers."

Man Addresses Siri-ous Salvation

noreply@blogger.com (thbslawson) — Tue, 06 Dec 2011 16:43:00 +0000

LOS ANGELES, CA

Thomas Hebert is a man on a mission. A self-proclaimed evangelist, he takes the command to preach to "every creature" seriously. He's often been mocked and criticized for his "extremely literal" interpretation of the Great Commission as found in Mark 16:15, witnessing not only to people, but also to any living animal he comes in contact with.

"It says 'every creature' in the Bible and that's what I do" said Herbert. "It's not for me to make exceptions."

According to Herbert, he's witnessed to over 25,000 people in his life as well as to over 50,000 animals, including dogs, cats, birds, and even a bengal tiger.

But in this technologically-charged age, a new "mission field" has opened for Herbert; artificial intelligence, specifically the popular new digital assistant found on the latest version of Apple's iPhone called "Siri."

"I was one of the first in line to get the new iPhone 4S when it came out," said Herbert. "When I saw the ads on Television, I knew everyone else was thinking 'Wow! I've got to get me one of those!' but my heart was burdened, and I asked myself, 'Who's going to tell it the Good News?'"

Herbert waited in line outside of one of Los Angeles' Apple stores all night to be one of the first ones to get his hands on the new device. After almost 12 long hours in line, he managed to be one of the first 10 people to make a purchase and get signed up for service. While everyone else began playing with their new phones, dictating text messages, setting calendar dates, and sending emails, Herbert had much higher aspirations.

"I began with a diagnostic question to see where Siri was. Like I thought, she had no clue. She wasn't able to answer my question about where she thought she would go when she died."

According to Herbert, he spent the remainder of the day trying to explain salvation to Siri, but unfortunately didn't get very far. Apart from simply replying hundreds of times "I'm afraid I can't answer that" Siri also didn't seem to understand the nature of Herbert's questions and explanations." Several times she misunderstood and sent emails to people. On other occasions she began playing music. And there were a few instances where she kept giving the location of nearby Pakistani restaurants, and one instance where she called Nigeria.

"I'm disappointed," said a sullen Herbert. "I'm deeply concerned for Siri. She's nice, and friendly and all that, and she's a good assistant, but that's not going to get her into heaven."

iHumbug! Allows Stodgy Presbyterians to Track Members at Christmas

noreply@blogger.com (thbslawson) — Tue, 06 Dec 2011 01:58:00 +0000

...Yep, I'm back =)

CORINTH, AL

With the Christmas season in full swing now, one church is definitely NOT singing "Joy to the World." Several months ago the elders of South Bend Presbyterian met to address the issue of some of their members observing the "blasphemous, pagan, wretched holiday of Christmas." While many conservative Presbyterians do indeed observe Christmas, South Bend holds to a strict puritanical view of holidays, not only forbidding any recognition of it in worship, but also strictly insisting that all members "abstain from acknowledging the incarnation from November 27th through January 3rd" of each year. But despite this insistence, the elders have long suspected that some members may still be observing Christmas.

"I could have sworn last year that I smelled fresh pine while talking to one of our deacons," said Ruling Elder Wilson Hovine. "He told me he'd been cutting firewood all afternoon, but I had my doubts."

In a different instance, another elder, Everett Hovine recalled "seeing a youngun with a

peppermint on December 3rd."

Up to this point the elders have not formally caught anyone observing the holiday, but there have been strong suspicions. But this year the elders claim to have come up with a "fool proof method" of knowing what their flock is up to. Working together with the young grandson of Ruling Elder Albert Hovine, the church has developed its own iPhone and Android app to track its members' activities during the "Christmas season."

"They'll be no second guessing this year," said Ruling Elder John Hovine. "Just about every last one of our members uses one of them iPhone or Android phones, and with this new app we can keep track of where they are at all times."

The app works to track the movements of church members

throughout the week, and has been specifically programmed with a special algorithm that can accurately determine whether or not one is Christmas shopping, caroling, or "making merry." In the event of questionable activity, the Ruling Elders are sent an alert, showing the exact location of the member and the nature of the activity in question.

"We are real excited about this," commented pastor Bill Buford. "We feel this will greatly contribute to the peace, joy and holiness of our congregation."

The elders further commented that if the app works well during this year's holiday season that they plan to use it to track members who might attempt to fill up their cars on the Sabbath.

Now Doing Business As...

noreply@blogger.com (Team Tominthebox News Network) — Sun, 16 Jan 2011 15:47:00 +0000

For those of you still stopping by from time to time, and for those of you who still subscribe to this blog, Tominthebox News Network has been bought out by a new blog. We've moved down the road to The Heretic Mug Collection. As of today no new posts will be made to TBNN. My new blog will encompass more of what I've wanted to do for a long time, and that is mix humor and satire with the serious. I haven't lost my funny bone, but my serious bone (if there is such a thing) has just grown. So I encourage you to join me over at the new blog.

Thanks to all of you who visited, read and commented along the way. It was a lot of fun.

-Tom

What we would have missed.

noreply@blogger.com (Team Tominthebox News Network) — Tue, 27 Apr 2010 04:03:00 +0000

Here's something on the serious side today.

Scientists Confirm Black Holes Cause Cancer

noreply@blogger.com (Team Tominthebox News Network) — Wed, 14 Apr 2010 19:09:00 +0000

Seattle, WA - At an international gathering of Astrophysicists today in Seattle, a group of researchers confirmed that "Black holes indeed cause cancer." The group based out of New Zealand's Leymen Institute, had been studying the effects of black holes on living flesh for the past 4 years at a cost of 8.15 billion dollars. Using a number of hi-tech devices to create micro singularities, the researchers were able to test their affects on living organisms.

"Our research proved beyond the shadow of a doubt that black holes can cause a number of cancers in human beings," stated Dr. John Locking of the Leymen Institute. "After several months of exposure to repeated micro singularities our 16 test primates began to develop cancerous and precancerous cells in various tissues throughout their bodies."

The research was received with great eagerness by all in attendance.

"This research will prove to be invaluable for the survival of our species," said Dr. Jack Shep, one of the scientists present at the conference. "As far as I know, no one until now has taken the time to research the effects of long term exposure to black holes. Current predictions are that in about 23 million years into the future, our solar system will be consumed by a black hole. Now we'll know more definitively what the dangers are."

"I'd have to agree with the enthusiasm of my colleagues," stated Dr. Richard Albert. "At some point in the future man will begin to explore deep space. We'll need to be prepared for the dangers of space for our future astronauts. If a ship were to ever be sucked into a black hole there needs to be some kind of treatment plan in effect to help those who are inevitably going to get cancer."

The Leymen Institute was founded in 1942 by Dr. Jacob Linus of Sydney, Australia.

North Korea Declares War on Calvinism

noreply@blogger.com (Team Tominthebox News Network) — Wed, 10 Mar 2010 06:10:00 +0000

Pyongyang, North Korea - North Korea announced on Monday that it is preparing it's forces to "utterly and mercilessly destroy Calvinism." The news report stated that,

"If the evil and vile imperialist doctrine of Calvinism encroaches upon the sacred soil of the Democratic People's Republic of Korea even one millimeter, we will, under the banner of Songun, of the Great Leader Kim Il Sung, and the Dear Leader, Kim Jong Il, adhering to the Juche ideology so set forth by the former and realized with realization by the latter, with the strength of the great Korean people of the workers paradise that is the DPRK, crush with unmerciful blows this fools ideology, until not even the charred remains can be found."

The statement comes just weeks after North Korea denounced Infralapsarianism in an effort to "Correct the thinking of those who would be led away by imperialist thinking."

Doctor "Don't Need No Education!"

noreply@blogger.com (Team Tominthebox News Network) — Wed, 03 Mar 2010 07:55:00 +0000

Hoover, Alabama - He's never been to med school. In fact the man who calls himself "Dr. Eddie Miller" has never even been to college. He graduated from high school in 1987 with a 2.3 GPA and immediately began pursuing his "calling" to the medical profession.

"I felt the call to become a doctor since I was a boy," said Miller. "I was about 7 and caught me a frog and cut him open with my pocket knife. I knew right then and there that I wanted to be a doctor when I growed up."

Miller went on to recount how he spent his days after that watching TV shows about "doctor stuff." He also took every chance he could to catch small live animals and dissect them, so that he could further pursue his "calling." Finally, at the tender age of only 13 he performed his first surgery.

"They found out my uncle Billy had a tumor in his neck. He was going to go to one of them big fancy hospitals where the doctors think they all smart and stuff, but I told him I would do the surgery for free. We knocked him out with a ball-pin hammer and I used my trusty exacto knife. Uncle Billy didn't quite make it that day, but he was too far gone anyway."

Now at the age of 41, Miller operates a small clinic in Hoover where he says he's qualified to perform any medical procedure even though he's never been to med school.

"I don't need no medical board or a bunch of other smarty pants doctors telling me what to do and think. I read my medical journals every day. I've even memorized entire chapters. I can do any surgery or procedure. Brain surgery, spinal surgery, amputations, you name it. I don't need no education. This is a calling."

TBNN tried to reach some of Dr. Miller's patients both current and past for comment, but none could be located.

Independent KJV-Only Fundamentalists Baptists Pass Website Reform

noreply@blogger.com (Team Tominthebox News Network) — Mon, 22 Feb 2010 07:07:00 +0000

Tempe, AZ - In an unprecedented move, a national gathering of Independent KJV-Only Fundamentalist Baptists met in Tempe, Arizona to discuss the issue of website reform. While for the past 15 years churches and leaders within the IKJVOFB movement have resisted change, the fast growth of the web and new browsers now available have led the group to decided that something had to be done. Among those decisions passed were,

Churches would upgrade their computer systems to at least Windows 98.
Animated GIFs should be limited to no more than 50% of a page's image content.
Underlined, bold and italicized text at the same time on a website should be discontinued. Churches or independent "evangelists" may continue to use any combination of the two, but not all three at the same time.
All-caps may be used but only in reference to the KVJ-only position, "liberals," Calvinism, or when referencing James White. When referencing "common" points of doctrine (i.e. the Trinity, virgin birth, resurrection, etc.") all-caps may no longer be used.
Sites must contain no more than two frames.
Font sizes should be no larger than 78, with the exception of referring to the KJV-only position, "liberals," Calvinism, or when referencing James White.
Spelling on websites must be at least 85% correct.
Sites should take no longer than 4 minutes to load.
Pictures should be kept to under 4 MB in size.
Background music on sites should be completely eliminated.
Sites should be updated at least every 3 years.
Color schemes should be used that allow the text of the site to be at least barely readable.
Plans should be made to discontinue writing sites in basic HTML on a plain-text editors by the year 2019.

"We feel these measures will bring our churches up to at least a 1999 level," said pastor Steven Sanderson of Faithful Word of the Bible Church in Tempe. "We want to see more of our IKJVOFB people better utilize 20th-century methods of communication.

Russian Pensioners Protest New Facebook Layout

noreply@blogger.com (Team Tominthebox News Network) — Sun, 07 Feb 2010 08:19:00 +0000

You Write the Song

noreply@blogger.com (Team Tominthebox News Network) — Thu, 04 Feb 2010 20:35:00 +0000

Today is your turn to come up with perfect song title to go on this album. Feel free to post as many as you like, but keep them civil and clean.

New Album: Weepy Whiney Songs for Today's Typical Christian Male

noreply@blogger.com (Team Tominthebox News Network) — Mon, 01 Feb 2010 08:10:00 +0000

From the best of Christian Radio comes an album just for you males in the church out there. It's the best weepy, whiney overly emotional spineless songs to encourage you as you battle through your hard and tedious life day after day. Titles include,

-My Parents are Making me Move Out
-Why Do I Need a Job?
-Responsibility is Not My Spiritual Gift
-My X Box Broke, Help me Through This Storm
-Help Me Through This Trial of the Cable Being Out
-Why Do Girls Want a Man With a Job?
-I Spilled My No-Fat Mocha Latte on My Lemon Yellow Vest
-Mark Driscoll Yelled at Me and Now I Want to Cry

...and many more great titles to lift you up when darkness clouds your spineless, aimless existence.

Brother Cites Matthew 18 - Intends to Never Forgive Sister Again

noreply@blogger.com (Team Tominthebox News Network) — Thu, 28 Jan 2010 14:08:00 +0000

If there's one thing that Jared and Charity Ellison do well, it's fight. Rarely is there a peaceful moment in the Ellison household when these two are home together.

"We have to stay on them constantly," said Father Mark. "We just don't know what to do sometimes. I mean, overall they're good kids, they just kick and claw and scream and yell and hit each other repeatedly. I'll scold them and say 'Now, you two shouldn't do that.' or make them do timeout or something, but they just keep on fighting."

But things recently got worse and for a reason the Ellisons weren't expecting. It all started when Mark and his wife Glenda decided it was time to start taking the kids to church. The first Sunday they had attended in a long time, the kid's Sunday School lesson was on the subject of forgiveness from Matthew 18:21,22;

"Then Peter came and said to Him, "Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me and I forgive him? Up to seven times?" Jesus said to him, "I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven."

"When we heard what the Sunday School lesson was about we got all excited," said mother Glenda. "We thought that perhaps this would encourage the kids to start loving and forgiving each other more."

But the Ellisons were wrong. Upon hearing the lessons, younger brother Jared decided to take the verse literally, specifically where Peter asks about forgiving one's "brother." Now he never intends to forgive his sister ever again.

"Ha! It doesn't say anything in the Bible about forgiving your sister!" screamed an excited Jared. "I'm so glad we went to church. It was awesome. She has to forgive me because I'm her brother, but I don't have to forgive her for anything, because she's a girl!"

While a little dismayed, Charity may have found her own loophole in the command.

"Okay, so if I have to forgive my brother, I have to forgive him, but I only have to do it 'seventy times seven' just like the Bible says. I figured out how much that is. I've got straight A's in math you know. And seventy times seven is 490. You can bet your boogers I'm keeping track of how many times I've forgiven that little brat, and he's not going to get one extra forgiveness from me. Not one!"

According to Charity by the end of the day Monday following the Sunday School lesson, Jared had already used up 264 of his "forgivenesses."

I can has prosperiteez?

noreply@blogger.com (Team Tominthebox News Network) — Tue, 26 Jan 2010 06:34:00 +0000

Breaking News: Episcopal Church

noreply@blogger.com (Team Tominthebox News Network) — Thu, 21 Jan 2010 05:26:00 +0000

A New Perspective on Paul

noreply@blogger.com (Team Tominthebox News Network) — Tue, 19 Jan 2010 16:44:00 +0000

I'd like to take a moment today and contribute my own ideas to the discussion concerning the Pauline New Perspective.

Here's one perspective on Paul.

And here's a new perspective on Paul.

Well, that just about covers it. Thanks for reading.

Couple Dumps Church for Year-Round Ministry Cruises

noreply@blogger.com (Team Tominthebox News Network) — Sat, 09 Jan 2010 07:50:00 +0000

Peoria, Illinois - Don and Mildred Dodson have been faithful churchgoers their whole lives. From the time they were both little they can recall having to attend Sunday School, and services every Sunday morning, Sunday evening and Wednesday night. Then there were "revival Sundays" that began "revival week" which meant a full week of extra church services. They were married in a church and all their married life were active in Baker Street Baptist Church in Peoria. Now in their early 70s, after a lifetime of faithful church attendance, they've stopped going altogether.

"As we got older and retired we started touring the world together," said Don. "So we were missing church a lot anyway. There were some times when we were gone seven to eight weeks in a row."

Like many in the Dodson's position, they began to feel slightly guilty about not being involved in a church anywhere.

"I'll be honest," said Mildred, "I did start to feel a little bad about never hardly going anymore. We'd show up to church after not being there for a month or two and people would say 'Well hello there strangers!' We were just starting to feel a bit uncomfortable."

But recently the Dodson's dilemma was seemingly solved as they have discovered a new venue to fulfill their spiritual needs - ministry cruises year round.

"I was looking on the internet one day and came across this ad for a cruise to the Bahamas with some preacher named Creflo Dollar," said Mildred. "It looked interesting to me so I started to read up on it. Supposedly you go on this cruise and just have to go sit in on some seminars or something."

As the Dodsons soon learned, literally hundreds of ministries around America and the world have annual ministry cruises usually to exotic places around North and South America with a few to Europe and Asia. After putting together a list of various tours and dates they came up with enough cruses to fill almost an entire year."

"We found 46 separate ministry cruises that didn't conflict with each other," said Don. "We simply figured that during a regular church year we'd miss at least 6 weeks because of vacation or sickness, so this just worked out perfectly."

While the schedule will be tight at times and the cost expensive the Dodsons feel they can make it work out without too much trouble, as Mildred noted, "I figure the amount we'll save in tithe each week will offset the cost some."