Tominthebox News Network - Religious Humor/Satire

Interacting with Dawkins - Part II

noreply@blogger.com (Team Tominthebox News Network) — Sun, 11 Oct 2009 14:11:00 +0000

The presence of human emotions would seem to be a defect that evolution has not yet gotten rid of. Perhaps this should be the main focus of society, to essentially bring our species to an almost "Vulcan-like" state of existence, doing away with almost all emotions and living according to pure science, reason and logic.

Take love for example. Love is unnecessary for the survival of our species. In fact it is reasonable to argue that love is a great hindrance to our potential and that we need to overcome it for our species to survive and further evolve. Were it not for love humanity would be freed to reproduce uninhibitedly never taking into consideration such primitive notions as faithfulness and fidelity. Were it not for love we would understand the true meaning of "survival of the fittest," not wasting our time with the sick and infirmed. Imagine how weighed down we are in the evolutionary process because a silly thing like love compels us to do things like help the disabled, educate the mentally challenged and care for the elderly.

If we truly believe in the concept of "survival of the fittest" then we need to understand how much better we will be when we do away with anything that prohibits us emotionally from disposing of that part of humanity which is not "fit."

Interacting with Richard Dawkins - Part I

noreply@blogger.com (Team Tominthebox News Network) — Wed, 07 Oct 2009 05:04:00 +0000

Solomon knew what he was talking about

Since essentially all "respectable" scientific theories about the ultimate fate of the universe are grim, with the cosmos either tearing apart, "crunching" in on itself or fizzling out trillions of years into the future, it is logical to conclude that life is utterly meaningless, pointless and hopeless. If we devote all of our energy, knowledge, technology and time for the further development, enlightenment and evolution of our species, we ultimately do so in vain. For even if our species were to reach an evolutionary and technological plane of the highest scientific proportions and possibilities it would still be faced with a future of unstoppable destruction. Why then do we even bother? If there is any "evolved" sense of mercy within us we should devote all of our efforts to bringing the entirety of the human race to a quick, swift and painless end so that we may spare our descendants the terror of that dreaded day. Evolution is a cruel master who does nothing but get our hopes up all the while leading us to ultimate and complete annihilation and rendering null and void the blood, sweat and tears of seemingly endless eons of time.

Coming October 1st

noreply@blogger.com (Team Tominthebox News Network) — Tue, 29 Sep 2009 14:46:00 +0000

Your Vote Counts!

noreply@blogger.com (Team Tominthebox News Network) — Sat, 01 Aug 2009 16:23:00 +0000

Hey all you Boxers. No I haven't forgotten you, but I need your help. My wife and child are in a photo contest for something truly spectacular, a YEAR'S SUPPLY OF ICE CREAM! Yes, if my wife wins this little photo contest we get a full year's supply of Blue Bunny Ice Cream (like I need it).

So here's what you can do. Visit this link here. It'll take you to a site called "Five Minutes for Special Needs." This is a blog for parents of special needs kids. Now I'm not going to tell you who to vote for. Remember, in election, the one making the choice has the sovereign right to choose. If you're one of our Arminian friends here I ask that you look ahead into the future and see which photo might chose you and then elect it to be the winner. But here is the photo we're hoping will win.

Voting ends soon, so please go and vote today.

On another note, I plan to start posting regularly here again in the next 2 weeks or so, so keep your eyes out.

Changing

noreply@blogger.com (Team Tominthebox News Network) — Thu, 02 Jul 2009 05:13:00 +0000

Greetings "Boxers"

It's been a long time since I've chimed in here. Over the past year life has become so busy that I just haven't had time to blog here on a regular basis. So I've made a decision. As of today, July 2, 2009 TBNN will be closing alltogether for several months. I'm not taking down the site, so feel free to browse the archives and enjoy past posts. My hope is to start up the blog again around late September or October, but with a couple of changes. Here's what will change:

-I will be personally doing most of the blogging. Others may chime in from time to time, but I will be doing the bulk of the writing.

-The blog will no longer exclusively be satire. BUT, I will always strive to make it humorous. Humor is how I best express things in this context. So I'm going to be throwing in some funny stories of things that have happened to us over the past 2 years in Russia and beyond.

-The blog may deal with other funny matters such as politics, family, culture, etc.

-I will commit to writing 2-3 times per week.

So there you have it. My most sincere thanks to Elder Eric, Brother Slawson and Dr. Bill for their contributions. Thank you all for visiting and I hope to see you again in the near future.

Dr. Tom

Dymo LabelWriter 400 Prevalent at SBC 2009

noreply@blogger.com (Brother Slawson) — Sat, 27 Jun 2009 12:51:00 +0000

Louisville, KY -- "Capable of producing over 40 label styles and sizes, the LabelWriter 400 is the small, fast and functional label printer for everyday use," touts the DYMO website.

Well, it apparently can also withstand the pressures of constant convention use. These handy labelers could be seen everywhere at the SBC Convention this week.

"You just can't tell by their look who anyone is any more," said Al Duncer, a 65 year member of a SBC church outside of Little Rock.

In a crowd of nearly 9,000 messengers of all shapes and sizes, it has become almost impossible to distinguish theological stances simply by appearance. Some theological conservatives do wear jeans and have hair covering the ears, while some liberals have perfectly parted hair with spit-shined shoes and a tie tack.

So, how did the Dymo LabelWriter 400 help?

Approximately 50 self-serve Dymo LabelWriter stations were available at strategic points around the halls of the convention center and in the main assembly area. For the perfect cost of $0.00, at any time, anyone could walk up to a station, print out a label, peel off the backing, and stick the label on his own shirt, coat, forehead, arm, etc.

Apparently, for the same cost, and apparently at any time, anyone could print out a label with the words of his choosing and stick it on the back of another individual.

"Those labels sure were helpful," said Duncer. "I really didn't know what 'reformed' meant. It was helpful to see the signs 'depraved,' 'heretic,' and 'alcoholic' on the backs of people to clarify."

The variety of labels seemed limitless, but the number one label was obviously "Calvinist" seen both on the front as well as the back of clothing. Some were written in smaller letters on small labels, while one "C" "A" "L" "V" "I" "N" "I" "S" "T" was spotted wrapped around the head of a young man who used nine 2" wide labels, each with one letter.

Some labels referenced living preachers, such as: Duncanite, Mohlerist, Deverene, and Driscollian. Others, that may have been slapped on the back of people while they were quietly minding their own business included: Moralist, Universalist, Atheist, Bar-Hopper, and Hyper-Piper.

In an email response to TBNN, a Dymo executive said they were willing to provide the LabelWriter 400s to the SBC in hopes that delegates would bring the idea back to their home churches. "From now until July 31, 2009, all SBC churches will receive 20% off."

ESV-Kindle-Only Churches Growing Fast

noreply@blogger.com (Elder Eric) — Tue, 23 Jun 2009 11:00:00 +0000

A new technological trend is sweeping across vast sections of our country. In particular, this trend can be found in the emerging/emergent church movement. TBNN has discovered that a growing number of these churches have taken a dogmatic stance on the scriptures. They claim to be ESV-Kindle-Only (EKO).

Christ the Redeemer Community Fellowship is currently the fastest growing church in the greater Phoenix, AZ area. It is also unashamedly ESV-Kindle-Only (EKO). David Hopper, lead pastor at Christ the Redeemer, told us, "When we began our church, our people were using all kinds of bibles. It was crazy. We couldn't even follow along when someone else was reading. That's when we decided to go ESV-only. We strongly believe the ESV is the actual word of God, free from any error. All other versions have problems because they have been corrupted."

Gene Carmer, pastor of small groups at Christ the Redeemer, told us, "We used the regular ESV for a while, but it was just taking too long for our people to find bible passages. It required them to know where the different books of the bible are located, etc. Additionally, regular book bibles are really bulky and a pain to carry around. That's when we decided to give Kindle a try. What happened was amazing! Our people were no longer stressed about how to find their way around the bible. They had full electronic access at their finger tips. This is clearly a far better option that the book version of the ESV. The Kindle is also far lighter, especially when compared to the ESV Study Bible."

While many people are happy with this situation (as shown by Christ the Redeemer's 350% growth rate over the past two years), not everyone is thrilled. Frank Jacobs loves his church, but does not like the Kindle. According to Frank, "I'm just not that technologically oriented. I like to bring my ESV book bible with me to church. Ever since the church went EKO, I have been getting stares and rude comments from people. Some church members who I thought were my friends now walk the other way when they see me. Last week was the worst when one young lady pointed at my (non-Kindle) bible and yelled, 'Why do you carry that counterfeit version? It was made by the Devil and belongs in Hell!' I was shocked and didn't know what to say. Now I'm hearing through the grapevine that the pastors are considering bringing church discipline against me and possibly denying me the Lord's Supper."

When we asked about Mr. Jacobs' situation, Pastor Hopper replied, "We in the emerging/emergent movement have been criticized for not saying what we really believe and for not taking a stand on important issues. Well, this is an important issue to us. We strongly believe that the ancient manuscript evidence shows that not only is the ESV the only valid bible version, but that the ESV-Kindle is what Paul would have wanted us to use. We will accept the persecution that comes with being ESV-Kindle-Only. We will not give in on this issue."

Entire Basketball Team Voted "Most Humble"

noreply@blogger.com (Brother Slawson) — Sat, 20 Jun 2009 14:10:00 +0000

Lancaster, PA -- The Calvary Saintly Scholars, a private Christian high school in Lancaster, PA, recently held their sports banquet to honor those students who excelled in athletics during the past year.

Top individual honors went to Eric Jubans, the senior wide receiver who has committed to LSU for his freshman year of college, who was recognized as the football team's MVP. Jubans scored a school record 22 touchdowns during his senior year and a whopping 59 touchdowns during his five years at Calvary, also a school record.

Other notable awards during the evening were received by Trisha Mildridge, for her top district performances in the 100 meter hurdles and the final leg of the 1500 meter relay and Sven Loudskridgt for his unique techniques in the shot put and javelin that earned him all-state honors.

Amidst the individual recognition, the bulk of the evening was devoted to the basketball team. A most curious award was presented to the entire men's basketball team, and received on their behalf by coach Jasper Clement.

The award? ..."Most Humble"

In a PowerPoint presentation of the team statistics provided by Coach Clement, the first slide highlighted playing time. All 14 team members recorded staggeringly similar playing times, ranging from 11:23 per game to 11:26 per game over the entire season. The title of the first slide was "We All Work Equally Hard." As Coach Clement read the slide, the banquet crowd erupted with applause and continued with a full 1-minute standing ovation for the way the coach had allowed all players to play every game.

The second PowerPoint slide stressed the importance of "Ball Time." Ball Time summarized the amount of time that a particular player had possession of the ball, whether holding or bouncing. The Ball Time per game varied a little more, but was still amazingly close, ranging from 1:10 to 1:40 per game for the entire group of 14 players. The banquet crowd once again stood and applauded the effort of the coach and the team.

The third and final slide demonstrated exactly why the entire team had received the Most Humble award for the 2008-2009 season. The title of the slide was "Scoring." The names of all 14 players were listed on the slide in alphabetical order. Beside each name appeared the phrase: "Points Scored: Zero"

During the full season, despite the approximately equal play time and the well-distributed ball time, not a single person on the team ever scored a single point. In fact, Coach Clement was proud to say, "Not a single player ever became arrogant enough to attempt a shot." At this point the crowd once again erupted in applause, but this time for a full 2 minute standing ovation.

Even near the end of the game, when free throws were mandatory after fouls, all Calvary Saintly Scholars humbly passed the ball to an opposing player rather than attempting to shoot.

Coach Clement concluded, "I am so proud of our team for their teamwork. I am so proud of their continuous consideration of others and willingness to pass the ball. I am not concerned that we did not win any games, because we do not want to create arrogant winners. I'm proud of these guys for coming out each and every game with a humble spirit and eagerness to pass the ball. On behalf of the team, I am proud to receive this Most Humble award."

Obama Proposes Government-Funded Salvation

noreply@blogger.com (Elder Eric) — Tue, 16 Jun 2009 18:00:00 +0000

WASHINGTON, D.C. -As part of a far-reaching restructuring of the United States of America, President Obama announced on Sunday that he is proposing government-funded salvation.

According to the president, "It just isn't right that some people are going to be saved while others aren't. We as a free society have the moral responsibility to see that all people have access to life after death. We, of course, will not force salvation upon anyone. We simply want to make it available to all people."

After pausing for applause, the president continued, "Some folks will be scared by this plan. They will think we are trying to take away the salvation they already have. I can honestly tell them that we have no desire to do that. We simply want to make eternal life readily accessible to all people regardless of belief, lifestyle choice, or background."

Obama went on, "Many will ask how we as a government plan to do this. It is a simple matter of restructuring, downsizing, and limiting waste. First, all churches will register with the government. Second, every American citizen (and undocumented worker) will be notified of three churches that are within driving distance of their residence. Third, and finally, churches will be required to accept and offer salvation to all who enter. No one will be denied salvation."

In conclusion, President Obama said, "We as a nation must take back the moral high ground. How can we take a stand for human rights and at the same time deny salvation to anyone? We must recognize that being saved is a fundamental right that is both implied and promised by the constitution of this great nation. Just as slaves were finally given freedom in the 1860's, today we are granting both spiritual freedom and salvation to all Americans and others. Regardless of what you believe or how you live, salvation will be yours free of charge."

Born in an Armenian Body John Knew Early That He Was a Calvinist

noreply@blogger.com (Brother Slawson) — Sat, 13 Jun 2009 13:09:00 +0000

John William Henry was always good-looking. His teeth never needed braces. His hair never thinned. He had a symmetrical jaw, a pleasant smile, white teeth, broad shoulders, and a trim waste. But he had a secret. He sometimes, in secret prayer, acknowledged God as sovereign over all things.

"I really wanted to be a Calvinist so bad, and that was one way for me to satisfy those feelings," Henry said. "But I always felt like someone was looking over my shoulder."

The desire to be a Calvinist never went away. At age 27, Henry confessed those feelings to his pastor and started seeing a Christian phychologist who suggested Henry was Armenian to Calvinist transreligious. Through constructive surgeries, reverse electrolysis, simulated scar technology, smoking lessons, and an unhealthy diet, John the Armenian became known as John the Calvinist.

While still relatively rare, one advocate estimates that 0.25 to 0.5 percent of all Calvinists are considered "handsome" or "pretty". The idea of changing physical appearance to be accepted by Calvinists has become more widespread in recent years.

Many people who have transitioned, including Henry, say they knew they had been born into the wrong body from childhood. As early as age 3, Henry, born into a good-looking Armenian family, didn't understand why his father wanted him to ignore certain passages in the Bible. As an Armenian, Henry learned at least 3 versions of the sinner's prayer, wrote his second birth date in his Bible, created Popsicle stick figures of all 12 disciples, and weekly wrote cards to missionaries. But he secretly enjoyed praying each morning on his knees, reading the Bible, and discussing Bible truths with his grandfather.

"Now I get up every morning and say, 'Wow, I can actually look at myself in the mirror,' because I've never been able to do that in my life, because that handsome figure that would stare back at me was not me," Henry said.

Doctors speculate that there is a biological foundation to religious identity, but no one has determined what in the biological makeup determines that religion.

"For people who want an Armenian to Calvinist change on a biological level, the first step is to spend more time on the spiritual aspects of the body than the physical," says Altus Nethammer, a personal trainer with Bodies4Life.

It is rare for people to undergo an Armenian to Calvinist transreligious change and then want to reverse it, especially when substantial changes have been made to diet and exercise routines, experts say.

Some transreligious individuals do face some quandaries. Some churches do not simply look at physical appearances for membership and require people to voice and demonstrate proof of their theological beliefs before becoming members.

Henry has experienced some dismay from others around him. Henry said his mother took five years to adjust. One of his brothers still doesn't speak to him. "For the longest time, I really felt like I had a mental illness, but I don't feel that way anymore," Henry said.

New Hampshire and Vermont Tie the Knot

noreply@blogger.com (Elder Eric) — Tue, 09 Jun 2009 09:00:00 +0000

CONCORD, NH - During a quiet ceremony yesterday at St. Paul's Episcopal Church, the states of Vermont and New Hampshire entered into wedded bliss.

According to Vermont Governor Jim Douglas, "Vermont has always been for lovers! We have a long tradition of cooperation with and mutual respect for New Hampshire. After all, we share a long border. Since we enjoy each other so much, it only made sense for us to get married."

After both state legislatures signed bills allowing for this ceremony to take place, both governors signed the marriage license.

John Lynch, governor of New Hampshire, told TBNN, "As a state, we have a long history of individual freedoms. Our motto is to Live Free or Die! We just recently legalized gay marriage. Because of these ideals, it only made sense for us to give approval to the marriage of our two great states. Who are we to stand in the way of this great union?"

This marriage between the states will reportedly smooth out transportation, trade, and communication between the states. It will also make it easier for residents to move back-and-forth.

Most importantly, this will make it MUCH simpler for homosexual and lesbian couples to have their marriages recognized in both states.

Vermont state legislator Valerie Warren issued a public statement after the marriage ceremony, saying, "Let's be clear about something. This is not simply a political union of two states. This is a marriage in every way that a marriage exists between two people. These two states love each other, have been together for years, and want to be married. They deserve the right to do so. We recognize this marriage and rejoice in it. By the way, the fact that these two states cannot reproduce should have no bearing on whether or not they are allowed to be married. Who are we to deny this right?"

There is no word yet as to whether or not either state will take the other's name. Possibilities include Vermontshire, New Hampmont, and New Vershiremont.

The word on the street is that next week the two state constitutions, capital cities, and some various, random atomic particles will also tie the knot.

Couple Divorces To Fulfill Lord's Will

noreply@blogger.com (Brother Slawson) — Sat, 06 Jun 2009 11:58:00 +0000

Pell City, Mississippi --William and Mary Jackson's marriage lasted for 25 years. It began on June 5, 1984 at First Baptist Church Pell City and ended on June 5, 2009 at a Pell City Notary Office.

Their marriage started out rough. "The first six or seven years were difficult," said Mary. "We were in our early 20's. We were traditional in our ways and had not lived together prior to the marriage. The transition wasn't easy. We both had a lot of unfulfilled expectations."

In the late 1980's they began attending church for friendships, but found something much different. "As I began reading and studying the Bible, I was continually struggling with the way this ancient book was pin-pointing my problem areas," said William. "There was no doubt that I was falling way short of perfection in every area of my life. I was distressed and equated my imperfections with displeasing to God. I had a great burden over this idea. I tried to ignore these deep down feelings of lostness. I tried to distract myself with entertainment and intellectual pursuits. But I could not escape the fact that, one day, death would come, and I would not be able to face God."

"A similar experience happened to me," said Mary. "I'm not a genius, but it did not take me long to figure out that this Bible talked about purpose and meaning that I did not have. I cried out to God to give me help. As I read and studied the Bible, I cried out to God to give me peace from my pain. I needed a rescuer. I found that rescuer in the person of the Lord Jesus Christ."

"It was so simple," said William. "Jesus is the Christ predicted for centuries. The sacrificial system of the Old Testament pointed to a lamb that would die for sins. Christ was brutally crucified during the very time of the Jewish celebration of the Passover when spotless lambs were slaughtered for protection from God's holy judgement of sin. I see now that the Lord Jesus was my substitute. He is the spotless lamb who died for my sins so that I can live."

Even though William and Mary had trusted the Lord with their lives, there were problems. Each day brought new challenges and struggles. But they made a commitment to each other. They renewed their wedding vows, and promised each other that they would stick together. They pledged to strive to be a support for each other under the guidance of the Holy Spirit no matter how difficult things got in their lives. They were committed to reading the Bible and praying together daily. They began every day early with a Bible passage and prayer and coffee. Each day, they asked God for guidance and blessings.

As the years passed, they stressed over the pains of raising children and working and making ends meet financially. They always spent too much at Christmas. They usually went too far with spending at birthdays and vacations. They often argued over little things. With young kids in the car, they sometimes screamed at the cars in front of them to speed up to go through yellow lights so they wouldn't be late for the T-ball game or dance recital. Their married days were filled with tears and joy.

But despite their continual, daily failing to be perfect, they found joy in the Lord as they repented for their sins of the day, thanked God that they were not condemned because of the work of Christ alone, held each other, and woke the next morning seeking the Lord's will for their lives.

Through it all, they attempted each morning to awake, open God's Word, and pray together to the Lord asking for His leading by the Holy Spirit. They humbled themselves before the Lord each morning and thanked the Lord that He, and He alone, is everything and deserves all glory.

Despite the pains and troubles of the week, they took the family to met with fellow believers each Sunday morning for Bible study and a worship service. As they sat together in the pew of the church building, they held hands and prayed, bowing to God to give them strength in all things.

"William has so many faults," said Mary. "I know I have many also. But we always had the belief that as we bowed low to the Lord each day together, we could then hold our head's high because of God's grace and mercy."

However, after 25 years of marriage, William and Mary awoke on June 5, 2009 for their normal prayer time. They both had the feeling that they were being led to get a divorce. They visited a Pell City notary and signed the papers that afternoon.

Dysfunctional Church Agrees on Ushers Wearing Suit Coats

noreply@blogger.com (Elder Eric) — Tue, 02 Jun 2009 10:00:00 +0000

MACON, GA - The First Baptist Church of Macon has a long history of being dysfunctional. In the church's 177 year history, there have been 27 church splits, 98 pastors (83 of whom were fired or resigned), and 7 discontinued building projects. Throughout the city of Macon, FBC-Macon has a reputation as a place of strife and discord.

The deacon board of FBC wanted to do something to change this (the church is currently without a pastor, having forced the latest pastor to resign in February when word was leaked that he is not an Atlanta Braves fan). The board, therefore, held a meeting of all 66 active deacons on May 25th. The goal was to come together as a church in a tangible way to show the church family and community that FBC-Macon is not, in fact, dysfunctional.

For the first hour or so, several of the deacons suggested that the church reach out to Macon in a meaningful way. Unfortunately, the board could not agree on what to do or how to do it. For the second hour, the board attempted to come up with some way to help folks within the church. No agreement could be found. During the third hour of the board meeting, the 66 men tried to come together on some way to refurbish the church buildings. No agreement came - just frustration and a little yelling.

Finally, after much work and discussion, all 66 men found something they could agree upon. This will be a sign to the church and community beyond that FBC-Macon is a united church. The deacons agreed that all ushers must wear suit coats during the morning worship services. During the evening services, either a suit coat OR a tie is required, but not both.

FBC Deacon Chairman Phil Simmons said of the outcome, "We are thrilled about this decision. We are certain that it will help us fulfill the Great Commission!"

There was much rejoicing.

The Posse of San Diego Not Required to Pay for Permit

noreply@blogger.com (Brother Slawson) — Sat, 30 May 2009 14:35:00 +0000

San Diego, California – The Posse of San Diego, a community of thinkers in the city of San Diego, is considered by many to be an emerging church. But with the recent inquisition into the definition of a religious assembly with respect to a nearby home Bible Study, some members of The Posse of San Diego questioned if a Religious Assembly Permit should be required for their own activities.

The Posse of San Diego, a cohort without hierarchy, allows membership to anyone who attests to the phrase: “Jesus is”. The statement may be made verbally, electronically, in writing, or in deep thought. The “deep thought” acknowledgement may be made through a raised hand, pointed finger, or gentle nodding of the head. At a gathering of the Posse on Thursday night, one member asked those present the same questions reportedly asked of the nearby Bible Study participants:

Do you regularly meet?
Do you say “amen”?
Do you pray?
Do you say “praise the Lord”?

“We agreed unanimously that the answers to these four questions were undeniably ‘No!’” said the unidentified member. “We appealed Friday morning to San Diego officials to continue to assemble without permit after our current Religious Assembly Permit expires in July. Local San Diego officials said they had no problem allowing us to meet without permit since we were able to answer ‘No!’ to the four questions. This is great news, saving The Posse an estimated $3,250 per year.”

One Major Danger of Infant Baptism

noreply@blogger.com (Elder Eric) — Tue, 26 May 2009 13:00:00 +0000

TRENTON, NJ - As the above photo shows, one major danger of infant baptism is when the pastor inadvertently pinches the infant's forehead.

As congregations in the USA get older, pastors get older as well. Recent studies prove that Presbyterian and Lutheran pastors in particular are struggling with worsening eyesight. When this happens, the pastor is much more likely to accidentally pinch the child instead of sprinkling him.

Research estimates that one out of every 20 babies is now pinched by a pastor with poor eyesight. For example, this past Sunday at Oak Grove Presbyterian Church (PCA) in Trenton saw baby Thomas Reed bruised by pastor Gerald Holmes. According to Daniel Reed (Thomas' father), "We had been looking forward to Sunday for some time. Thirty-two of our family members were in attendance at the service. It was a joyful day until our pastor ruined it by making little Tommy cry. He left a nickel-sized purple and red spot right on Tommy's forehead. My wife started to cry and couldn't stop. The whole baptism was ruined."

Not long after the worship service, the ACLU contacted Oak Grove to tell them that if they baptized any more babies, the ACLU would sue for child abuse.

As of this morning, the leadership at Oak Grove is considering leaving the PCA to join ARBCA.

You Don't Have to Turn There... OOOp-See!

noreply@blogger.com (Brother Slawson) — Sat, 23 May 2009 12:38:00 +0000

Vicky Hertock is a student of the Bible. She knows all the books in order forward, as well as backward. She can even say them forward quickly, yet clearly, in 17.4 seconds.

With her physical leather-bound Bible, she can find any given verse in less than 2 seconds very naturally with little effort. That’s where the first part of the problem lies. The second part lies in her seemingly inability to restrain her lips in one particular situation.

Here is the typical scenario: A pastor, from the pulpit, will say something like: “We know from John 1:1 that the Lord Jesus was with God the Father at creation. .. but you don’t have to turn there.” That is the point where Vicky uncontrollably blurts out, “OOOp-See” because, for her, it is too late. She has already turned to the passage.

The problem occurs commonly with Romans 8, an often cited passage that is worked into most sermons. “We know from Romans 8 that there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, but you don’t have to turn there.” “OOOp-See!” says Vicky, just loud enough for the congregation to hear.

“I really don’t think it’s a matter of her showing out or bragging in any way,” said Earl Hertock, Vicky’s husband. “It’s just her natural reaction when she does something that she wasn’t supposed to do. It’s her word… ‘OOOp-See’ that is. She says it all the time automatically at the house if she drops a sock while doing laundry or splashes some gravy while fixing her mash potatoes.”

Most of Vicky’s Sunday School teachers and pastors through the years have learned to simply not say, “You don’t have to turn there” when Vicky is in the audience. “I was trained very early on by Vicky’s unintentional conditioning techniques,” said long time friend and regular Bible Study partner, Florence Germain.

But during a recent women’s conference, Vicky’s presence was well known in the crowd. Every single speaker during that day used the phrase at least once. One speaker used it 4 times and each time was awarded with an “OOOp-See!” This particular lady, near the end, said “In Matthew 28, we know that the Lord Jesus asked us to make disciples as we are going, but you don’t have to…. um… you don’t… um… have to… um… be a rocket scientist to make disciples,” as the small crowd around Vicky held their breath and then finally exhaled.

It even happened at a Beth Moore live seminar. Moore was speaking, “…You can eat a whole meal off my floor! Amen? Now Martha is the kind that was never far from her Lysol or her Oust. She was just that kind. And you may say, how do I know that? Because—I’m going to show you how I know that because she is the most wonderful thing to study. I want you to hear this part in John chapter 11. You don’t have to turn there…”

“OOOp-See!” says Vicky, receiving a pause and briefly turned head from Moore.

Note: TBNN intern Sandy Kay researched the term “you don’t have to turn there” using the Google search engine. When searching for “you don’t have to turn there” (including the quotes), Google only generated results referring to discussions of Bible passages or the Manitoba Public Utilities Board.

Satire Sniffer Now Available for Special Discount (Especially for Atheists)

noreply@blogger.com (Elder Eric) — Thu, 21 May 2009 10:00:00 +0000

For a limited time, TBNN is offering the Satire Sniffer at a special discounted price (just $19.99 + shipping and tax).

The reason for this offer is that some of our occasional readers struggle with understanding what is satire and what is not. We want to help. The Satire Sniffer is a special detection device that highlights whatever portions of a passage are satirical. For example, if someone is reading TBNN, all of the post will show up in yellow highlighter.

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Muslim Declares Jihad on Southern Baptist Potluck

noreply@blogger.com (Elder Eric) — Tue, 19 May 2009 07:00:00 +0000

ALEXANDRIA, VA - Omar-Khalid Akram moved from Iraq to the United States in October 2008. He told TBNN, "I love my homeland, but I needed to get away from the difficulty there. Although the violence has subsided, the country is still in shambles as far as infrastructure is concerned. I decided to move here and start a new life."

Akram, a widower, moved to the Washington, D.C. area because of the large Muslim population. However, he did not realize he was also moving into the northern reaches of where Southern Baptists live. This is where the trouble began.

After moving into a subdivision, Akram quickly found out that he had no Islamic neighbors. Also, the nearest mosque was a 35 minute trip away. He felt alone and isolated.

After about a month of loneliness, Akram heard a knock on his door. When he opened it, Terry Davis was standing on the other side. Neither man would ever be the same.

Terry, a Southern Baptist deacon and Sunday School teacher, also happens to be Akram's next door neighbor. Terry introduced himself and asked if he could help Akram in any way. Terry also invited Akram to attend his SBC church the next day. Akram was so lonely (and curious) that he accepted the invitation.

Little did Akram know that after the Sunday morning service, all the folks at the church were having a potluck dinner.

When Akram followed Terry through the food line, he faced a problem. He could not tell what any of the food actually was. He had never seen so many casseroles before. He had no idea what was under each mysterious covering. Also, Akram could not decipher what the different vegetables were.

The end came when Akram took his first few bites. Bystander Phil Vickers describes it this way, "Akram smiled at us and said that he enjoyed the service and fellowship. He then told us how much he was enjoying the food. After a few minutes, he asked what he was eating. When we told him his plate was full of Aunt Mildred's pork-barbecue special and Susy's green beans with a ham-hock, Akram turned red in the face and ran from the room."

Ever since, Akram has refused to even open the door to Terry or anyone else from the church.

Akram also contacted the press soon after his visit to the church. He told the local CNN affiliate, "I am a faithful Muslim. I love Allah and serve him in all I do. I was invited to a church, and out of curiosity I attended. That is where I was more insulted than I have ever been. Those Christians confused me by serving all sorts of disguised food. I tried to be polite and eat some of it. I later found out that I had eaten pork and ham, which Allah forbids."

Akram continued, "From this time forward, I declare jihad on Southern Baptist potluck meals. The government should require Baptist churches to label all their food so people like me do not eat something forbidden. If this does not happen, I will have to take things into my own hands."

Akram did not elaborate on what he meant.

Man "Debunks" His Own Birth

noreply@blogger.com (Brother Slawson) — Sat, 16 May 2009 12:57:00 +0000

Earl Bartman, 37, was once convinced that his mother bore him and loved him. But recent discoveries have caused him to dismiss his old beliefs as mere myths.

“I began to study the events surrounding my so-called birth. There were many discrepancies that just did not make sense. My so-called mother had one account in her diary. My so-called father had another verbal account which I had transcribed. Many so-called facts simply did not match. There was also a birth announcement in the local paper that was well-preserved, but it was not in line with some of the statements of my so-called mother and my so-called father.

“My so-called mother didn’t even have a typewriter at the time of my birth. Therefore, the newspaper account must have been a forgery, typed by someone else.

“My so-called mother told the story of how, immediately after I was supposedly born, two nurses took me and cleaned me. While, my so-called father had a completely different memory of only one nurse who bathed me and measured me immediately after I was born. These inconsistencies cannot be reconciled.

“All of the so-called records of my birth have been completely destroyed. I performed research at the hospital and all that remains are copies of copies of copies of all the original paperwork. And these copies are not even on paper, but on microfilm that must be printed to get a paper copy. When I print out the copies, they are not always clear. So to believe I was really born to this woman and man at this hospital, I would have to believe that this information stored on this film was actually created from real documents from the time of my so-called birth and signed by my so-called mother and my so-called father over 37 years ago and somehow preserved through time. I can’t even find last month’s electric bill in my house, and I’m supposed to believe that some disinterested parties have taken the time to preserve my birth records from 37 years ago?
“When I interviewed my grandparents, they all seemed to have very close to the same story. But not one of them was in the room during my so-called birth. My so-called mother’s mother, who I used to call Grammy, said that I was born on March 5, 1972. I asked her how she knew for sure, and all she could do was say ‘because I remember’ and went to get the same newspaper clipping I had already dismissed as a forgery.

“My so-called father’s mother, who I used to call Me-maw, also claimed the same date, but also was not in the room of my so-called birth. She tried to explain that my so-called mother’s belly swelled slowly over 9 months or so. She tried to explain that it went down a little after that, and my so-called parents brought me home on March 9, 1972, but she again had no proof other than her memory. Her memory was not reliable because I asked her to show me her latest electric bill or just tell me the amount of it, and she failed that test.

“I discovered that all of these so-called witnesses to my birth were simply stating what my so-called mother and so-called father had relayed to them. The divergence of facts of my so-called mother’s and so-called father’s stories only compounded the questions.

“I went back to the hospital that stored the documents to let me speak to the doctor and nurses who delivered me. I only received blank stares for the first few moments. The lady at the information counter stumbled and stammered over quite a few words, tripping over herself continually, and then she went back to a state of blank stares. I refused to leave, and to my shame, even became a bit violent to the point that I was escorted out by two security guards. I could tell by the way they were staring at each other that they were part of a vast conspiracy. They did not want to say it, but I could tell on their faces by the way that they glanced at each other when I asked for proof of my birth. They knew they were caught. They would not admit it, but they knew that I knew that I had never been born.

Update: Evolutionist Finally Proves that God Does Not Exist

noreply@blogger.com (Elder Eric) — Thu, 14 May 2009 09:30:00 +0000

LOS ANGELES, CA - In response to this post, Dr. Francis Welland of UCLA pulled his head out of the sand yesterday and made an amazing assertion. According to Dr. Welland, "I have finally proven once and for all that God does not exist. I know this will make my supporters happy. We are all overjoyed and relieved to have arrived at this day."

Dr. Welland, speaking to an introductory level biology class, continued, "How can I make this claim? This is how: I have been everywhere there is to be. I have seen everything there is to see. I have heard everything there is to hear. I have done everything there is to do. In light of my experiences and research, I can faithfully say to you today that God does not exist. I have not seen nor heard him; therefore, there is no God."

At the conclusion of his announcement, Dr. Welland's students gave him a standing ovation.

UCLA is this morning considering giving Dr. Welland a promotion to full professor status, a paid writing leave of absence, and an honorary doctorate at the December 2009 commencement.

Evolutionist Ignores Evidence, Literally Buries Head in Sand

noreply@blogger.com (Elder Eric) — Tue, 12 May 2009 11:00:00 +0000

SAN DIEGO, CA - California is known to be a place where bizarre behavior is the norm, but something beyond that happened last week east of San Diego.

Last Thursday afternoon, the San Diego State University science foundation hosted a creation/evolution debate for the entire student body. At last count, it appears that between 600-700 students attended. As the debate began, it was clear that the student body favored Dr. Francis Welland, an evolutionary biology professor from UCLA. As he was introduced, the crowd applauded enthusiastically. A few even shouted, "Boo-yeah!"

After the audience calmed down, Dr. Ken Ham from Answers in Genesis was introduced. Dr. Ham received a smattering of applause, but was also simply booed by several of the students. More than a handful openly snickered.

After the initial introductions, the debate began. Each man was asked a question, and then the opponent was allowed time to respond. The questions were supplied during the previous week by students in the audience.

Based on initial behavior, it was clear that the professors and students in attendance expected and wanted Dr. Welland to annihilate Dr. Ham with the scientific evidence. Unfortunately for Dr. Welland, that is not what happened.

The audio transcript makes it clear that while Dr. Welland answered questions by generally calling names and talking condescendingly, Dr. Ham simply presented the actual scientific evidence in a polite manner. As the debate wore on, it became clear to all that Dr. Welland was losing. Students began to file out of the auditorium. Dr. Welland began to sweat and became a bit nauseated. Dr. Ham continued to state devastating fact after devastating fact.

Finally, after about 70 minutes of debate, Dr. Welland couldn't take it any more. Dr. Ham had just asked him to explain how life began in the first place. When Dr. Welland answered by saying that either aliens brought the first living creatures to earth or they formed on the backs of crystals, the students that remained either groaned or laughed. At that point, Dr. Welland decided to end the debate early. As he sprinted off the stage, he was heard shouting, "I don't want to hear any more facts! You can't confuse me with the evidence!"

Dr. Welland then drove about two hours eastward into the desert to Ocotillo Wells, CA. After arriving, Dr. Welland literally buried his head in the sand (see above photo).

Millerville Baptist Axes Mother's Day Recognitions

noreply@blogger.com (Brother Slawson) — Sat, 09 May 2009 12:39:00 +0000

Van Cleave, AL -- Millerville Baptist Church will not hold its annual Mother's Day recognitions during this year's Mother's Day service, ending a 40 year old tradition.

Over the past four decades, Millerville has awarded "prizes" for (1) Newest Mother, (2) Oldest Mother, (3) Mother with the Most Children, and (4) Mother with the Most Children Present. "It will be impossible for us to have a repeat of last year's incident this year because we are not carrying on the tradition this year," said pastor Will Scholls.

There have been occasional moments of awkwardness through the years, but the 2008 Mothers Day recognitions at Millerville were a total disaster.

To begin, Meagan Freemont, 24, had dreamed all of her life of receiving the Newest Mother award and even planned the timing of her marriage and subsequent pregnancy to coincide with the event. But the grand total of two weeks of life amassed by her daughter, May Elizabeth, caused Meagan to lose out to a 14 year old, out-of-wedlock mother who happened to be visiting from Mississippi with her 4 day old son. Heads turned quickly as the young girl on the back row answered "four days" when song leader Lester Scott asked "Has anyone been a mother for less than 2 weeks?" assuming there would be none as he approached Meagan. Lester was stunned for a moment before proceeding to the back to hand the young girl the corsage prize as Meagan began crying. The scene became very ugly when Meagan's tears turned to furious outbursts, where she was heard screaming "harlot" amidst many other angry words on more than one occasion during the rest of the service.

Lester wanted to quickly move on to Oldest Mother and immediately asked all mothers over 80 to raise a hand. About a dozen hands went up in the small sanctuary, and went down 1-by-1 as Lester counted up to 88 when two hands remained. As he counted "89, 90, 91, 92, 93," two hands remained. When he said "94" both hands went down. The crowd applauded that both mothers had reached 93 years old. But here is where the mistake occurred. Lester then asked each lady "In which month were you born?" Mrs. Arnder answered "February," and Mrs. Weathersby answered "November." Lester mistakenly concluded, "February is before November, so the corsage goes to Mrs. Arnder." Two quiet CPAs, a mechanical engineer, and young Bobby Wilson immediately began jerking their heads around in disbelief that this mathematical error was actually occurring. But it had, and Mrs. Arnder was holding a corsage meant for Mrs. Weathersby. When TBNN representatives interviewed young Bobby about the error, he said, "Mrs. Weathersby seemed to be doing fine without her flowers, so I didn't say nothing at the time."

Things visibly heated up again though when Lester was unsure whether to award the Mother With the Most Children corsage to Mrs. Thelma Gentry who bore eight children or Mrs. Yvone Henderson who bore five children, was a step mother to two children from her second marriage, had adopted two later in life, and even sponsored two children through Help Save the Children. He made the decision to award the corsage to Yvone, but not without a few gasps and many whispers.

You would think Mother with the Most Children Present would have been easy, but a problem arose. Melissa Williams had all four of her children present and was about to receive the corsage when Jennifer Lawson, who had three children visibly present, decided this was the right time to announce that she was pregnant with twins. The ceremonies stalled for almost 10 full minutes as bitter discussions ensued and several physical altercations broke out. Lester could not calm things down, and eventually handed the flowers to Jennifer Lawson, announced his resignation, left the church and has not been seen to this day. Without a song leader, the services ended and everyone left.

Sermons on Wordle

noreply@blogger.com (Elder Eric) — Tue, 05 May 2009 01:00:00 +0000

(Click directly on the picture to enlarge the sermon text.)

Arminian Church Sermon

Catholic Church Sermon

Charismatic Church Sermon

Health-Wealth Church Sermon

KJV-Only Church Sermon

Liberal Church Sermon

Mormon Church Sermon

Southern Baptist Church Sermon

Youth Group Sermon

In case you were wondering: Tom in the Box on Wordle

Smith Family Plans Funeral and BBQ Reunion

noreply@blogger.com (Brother Slawson) — Sat, 02 May 2009 13:09:00 +0000

Van Cleave, AL -- In lieu of flowers, the family of William Smith is asking that friends and loved ones send donations to the Baby Back Rib Palace in Van Cleave, Alabama.

Mr. Smith was one week shy of his 100th birthday, when he died early Saturday morning at his home. A previously scheduled family reunion to celebrate his 100th birthday will still take place on Saturday, May 9th at the park within Pine Gardens Memorial Resting Field after the internment.

Gift certificates for the Baby Back Rib Palace can be purchased in $10, $25, $50, and $100 denominations. Order online at www.bbribspalacevancleave.com or call 555-0713. A list of donors will be provided to the family.

Cowboy Takes New Middle Position in Calvinism-Arminianism Debate

noreply@blogger.com (Elder Eric) — Tue, 28 Apr 2009 02:00:00 +0000

TULSA, OK - Terry Newton has two loves in life. The first is roping cattle. The second is studying theology. According to Terry, "There's a lot of time to think and read my bible as I sit on my horse and watch the cattle graze."

Terry is a long-time member of the Evangelical Theological Society (ETS). He reportedly likes a good theological discussion almost as much as a T-Bone steak. Terry not only reads and discusses theology, but also writes a good deal. His latest article was recently published in the ETS Journal.

The title of this groundbreaking article is, "A New Middle Position - Finding Two Truths in the Bible."

According to Terry, "After much study of the Bible, I have come to the conclusion that some people at birth are spiritually dead, while others are just spiritually dying. God knew who would be dead, and chose some of those unconditionally for salvation. Of those who were dying, God didn't choose any, but rather left the choice up to them. As for the atonement, God limits the application of Christ's death to those He chose of the spiritually dead, but allows it to be applied to all of the spiritually dying who choose Him."

Terry continued, "When God calls to some of the spiritually dead, His call is effective. All who are called end up placing their faith in Christ. On the other hand, God does not effectively call any of the spiritually dying, but rather simply calls out to them, hoping that they will respond. He would be too much of a gentleman to force the dying to get saved. Finally, regarding perseverance, God keeps those that He chooses - none are lost. However, those who ultimately choose Him have the freedom to reject Him later - they are not firmly held by God to anything."

When asked how two seemingly opposing views can be reconciled like this, he responded, "There are just so many good people on both sides of this debate. For example, when we look at history, the Calvinism side has Luther, Calvin (of course), Zwingli, Owen, Edwards, Spurgeon, Carey, Judson, etc. The Arminian side has Arminius, Wesley, and a bunch of popes. Well, I guess it's not that even. As for today, the Calvinists have MacArthur, Piper, Sproul, Mahaney, Mohler, Begg, Ferguson, Carson, Baucham, White, and Grudem. The Arminians have Geisler, Patterson, and, well, I suppose that isn't even either."

TBNN inquired, "What is your real motivation here? Why this new theory?"

Terry finally admitted, "I just want everyone to get along. Can't we all get along?"