Tommy Lawyer

2008-01-11T16:54:00.000-06:00

A company in Michigan is coming out with Major League Baseball-themed caskets.

What a frickin' sweet idea. Hell, I want one now.

Carroll lands the Sports Illustrated cover.

2007-12-18T12:21:00.000-06:00

Simply amazing. Link here.

2007-12-18T09:58:00.000-06:00

Carroll College wins its fifth NAIA football title in six years after defeating number one University of Sioux Falls 17-9. I watched the game at an alumni get-together down in Roseville. One heck of a muddy, messy game rife with turnovers, but good enough to get the job done. The win for Carroll snapped USF's 27-game winning streak after their national title last year. Carroll's 2005 title was their fourth in a row and this year's addition extends the dynasty.

What's most remarkable about this win is that there are only five players on the team remaining from their last championship team. This speaks to the program that they've built there and the abilities of Coach Van Diest.

Way to go, Saints.

2007-12-13T09:35:00.000-06:00

Some severe blog neglect here. Things have been incredibly busy lately. Some things that require comment:

The Dodgers have resisted the urge to sell off their future for Miguel Cabrera or anyone else on the trading block. Last week, they signed outfielder Andruw Jones from the Braves. As Mr. T-Mac pointed out in my absence, Jones didn't do too hot last year, batting a career worst .220 or so. Other than that, he's been a pretty consistent player though. I feel fairly confident that he'll bounce back. He better after getting a two-year $36 million contract. Either way, that leaves four men in the outfield. Juan Pierre, Andre Ethier and Matt Kemp are left in limbo. Pierre can at the very least be moved over to account for his weak arm. I hope that they either bench him or cut him since he can't hit (Pierre leads the league in bunts). Barring that, either Kemp or Ethier end up on the bench. If it comes to that, then there's the substantial possibility of a trade between LA and Minnesota for Santana. After the departure of Torii Hunter, Minnesota needs a young outfielder to replace him. Matt Kemp could fill that role. Of course, the Twins would demand other players as well--a Broxton, Billingsley, or Kershaw as well as perhaps a James Loney, but that remains to be seen.

Michael Vick in jail. This has all the makings of a real life version of The Longest Yard. I hope that the prison guards have some sort of prison league football team.

Saw some roller derby this weekend. That was pretty cool. Those Minnesota Rollergirls can brawl.

Led Zeppelin is finally on iTunes.

The George Mitchell Report on steroid use finally came out. Some intriguing names are in there that I might not otherwise have expected, like Eric Gagne and others. Intriguingly, the report recommends that Juan Pierre start using steroids. Not sure how they got away with that.

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia is one of the funniest shows in a long time. Season 3 is over, but Seasons 1 and 2 are on DVD in a package set. Worthwhile purchase.

This writers' strike is killing me. I can't stand many reality TV shows, except the ones that are making fun of reality TV like The Littlest Bachelor, the one making fun of The Apprentice, and My Big Fat Obnoxious Fiance. Those are comedy gold.

Anyway, that's all for now. I'll make sure to keep up from now on.

2007-11-12T17:34:00.000-06:00

I haven't posted in awhile. It's because I've been in a post-Torre malaise after hearing the news about 24. If you haven't heard, Season 7 of the show has been cancelled because of the writers' union strike. Unlike other shows where the network can just stretch their new episodes out with reruns, 24 runs in real time. FOX determined that it couldn't spend the money to promote the show for its January start unless it had more than roughly one-third of the episodes written. The show had already been delayed by a season plot-reset (it was originally to take place in Africa) and the California wildfires. Kiefer's prison sentence doesn't help matters much either. Thus, we now have to wait until September 2008 for the next worst day in Jack Bauer's life. What's unclear at this point is whether FOX will simply continue with the episodes it already shot or scrap them and come up with an entirely new plot line. The current one apparently involves Tony Almeida both alive and evil. Tony may want to be employed in some capacity betwee now and next summer, so that may not be possible. Guess we'll have to see.

Thanks, pinkos.

Since every other post currently on the front page of this blog is now about the Los Angeles Dodgers, I see no reason not to mention that Russell Martin received his first Gold Glove, that Don Mattingly will bear the number 8 instead of his usual 23 as a part of his new start with the Dodgers (in homage to Yogi Berra), and that the Dodgers are currently hot on Miguel Cabrera, A-Rod, and Johan Santana. All good signs that the McCourts are serious. Then again, they apparently just signed Chan Ho Park to a minor league deal. Got me.

The Dodgers are also now apparently eyeing Japanese free agent Kosuke Fukudome. Given his name, though, I think it would be much more appropriate if he were to play for the Twins.

That is all for now.

The picture I've been waiting for.

2007-11-05T16:18:00.001-06:00

Vin Scully formally introduces Joe Torre as Dodgers skipper along with Frank McCourt and Ned Colletti.

Don Mattingly and Larry Bowa have both also been officially hired as bench coach and hitting coach. From the Los Angeles Times:

Two coaches for Torre's staff have been hired: Don Mattingly and Larry Bowa, both of whom were coaches under Torre in New York. Mattingly has a son, Preston, who is in the Dodgers' minor league organization.

"Don Mattingly, I can't tell you how excited he is," Torre said. "We're just looking to go to work."

Torre, who was raised in Brooklyn and has managed the Yankees and now will manage the Dodgers, admitted when he was growing up, "I was a Giants fan. I want to apologize for that."

Things are finally looking up.

AAA-Rod?

2007-11-02T09:12:00.000-05:00

Hank Steinbrenner on Alex Rodriguez: "Does he want to go into the Hall of Fame as a Yankee, or a Toledo Mud Hen?"

The Toledo Mud Hens to Alex Rodriguez: "Go into the Hall of Fame as a Toledo Mud Hen."

SI.com:

A letter sent on Thursday to Rodriguez's agent, Scott Boras, offered a deal with a bonus if A-Rod leads the team to 10 consecutive International League titles.

But the offer stipulates that Rodriguez will have to compete for a spot with Toledo third basemen Mike Hessman, the league's most valuable player last season.

"Would your client be willing to play a different position?" the letter asked.

2007-11-01T17:21:00.000-05:00

Dodgers sign Joe Torre to a three-year deal worth $14.5 million.

Ned Colletti on the Torre deal.

2007-10-31T15:59:00.000-05:00

ESPN is reporting that the Dodgers are finally talking about Torre openly:

Los Angeles Dodgers general manager Ned Colletti sidestepped the Joe Torre question Tuesday, but on Wednesday he admitted to ESPN.com's Jayson Stark that there is "mutual interest" between the team and the former Yankees manager.

Okay. I like that part so far.

Colletti told Stark that the Dodgers and Torre are "in the early stages of getting to know each other."

And why shouldn't they be?

"I've watched stuff in the last 72 hours that I can't believe I'm watching," Colletti said.

Ouch. That part isn't good. I like what I've been hearing in the last 72 hours. I want more of it, in fact.

"I can tell you we do not have an agreement. I've seen more inaccuracy than I can ever remember."

More inaccuracy than you can ever remember? Don't play coy with me, Ned. By "inaccuracy," do you mean kinda like "Grady Little is our manager for 2008"? That kind of inaccuracy?

"I'm not going to get into where the negotiations are," Colletti said. "It's still early in the process in some ways." When asked if the parties were close, Colletti replied: "I don't categorize anything as close, far. It's either done or it's not done."

Translation: They're pretty close.

Get it done, Ned.

2007-10-30T18:18:00.000-05:00

From the Los Angeles Times about half an hour ago:

Sources said that the Dodgers and the former Yankees manager have agreed to the terms of his contract, and what remains to be done is to agree on issues about the coaching staff and his input on player personnel moves. Torre wants to choose his own coaches, among them Don Mattingly, and is negotiating the amount of money to be spent on them. The deal could be completed in the next day.

Torre AND Mattingly appear to be for real.

2007-10-30T09:48:00.000-05:00

Yesterday's speculation that Joe Torre would be coming to LA has turned into a report confirmed by two MLB officials speaking on condition of anonymity by the Westchester Journal News. Word on the street is that Don Mattingly, who was less than pleased to be passed over by the Yankees, is coming with. Mattingly's son was drafted by the Dodgers in 2006.

If true, this would be huge. Think of it--a native Brooklynite leaving New York to bring Dodger Blue back to glory. You can't write a better story. Besides, not only is the guy brilliant, he's exactly what the Dodgers need at this point: someone to quell the discord between the veterans and the youth on the Dodger roster.

Now this is still all off the record, but it has started a firestorm of press. Besides, the substantial evidence out there that the Dodgers gave Joe Girardi a firm offer before he signed with the Yankees tells me that McCourt is not in fact going to stick with Grady Little. If not Girardi, then Torre certainly makes the most sense.

Torre to take helm in LA?

2007-10-29T16:05:00.000-05:00

Please, Lord. I need this. New York Post:

October 29, 2007 -- If divorce proceedings between Grady Little and the Dodgers go the distance, as many expect, The Post has learned Joe Torre has been targeted as the manager to heal a fractured Los Angeles clubhouse.

According to two people with knowledge of the Dodgers' universe, the club and Little are talking about a buyout that would leave the manager's office in Chavez Ravine vacant for Torre to inherit.

Torre, who wants to manage again, is interested in talking to the Dodgers if the job becomes available.

Ask and you shall receive.

2007-10-19T11:28:00.000-05:00

So I make a brief complaint about how current stapler technology is on par with the carrier pigeon and a few days later a box shows up for me at work. Looks kinda like a pipe bomb, so I give it a good shake first. After the all clear, I opened it up.

Inside: A staple-free stapler.

The invoice inside indicated it was sent by a certain staffer at the Hague, so I assume this is the kind of weird contraption that they use to attach papers together in Europe.

Upside: No staples. Thus, you never have the problem of a staple snapping at bending point or crunching up part way through the stack of papers. You never have to yank an errant staple out with a staple puller or pull a broken piece of one out with your teeth.

Downside: The staple-free stapler only punchs a thin piece of the paper out, which you then fold back to hold the paper together. Consequently, it can't really hold them together. That, and you can only do four pages at a time.

Nonetheless, this thing is a pretty nifty gadget that now sits atop my computer tower, looking down on my American stapler. Thanks, Marie. ;o)

2007-10-16T08:14:00.000-05:00

Another unintentionally humorous ad from the Drudge Report:

2007-10-10T11:37:00.000-05:00

FREE JACK BAUER

Kiefer Sutherland gets 48 days in jail for DUI while on probation. Why 48 days?

"Kiefer made clear to us at the time of his arrest that his first concern was the welfare of those he worked with and that he intended to do whatever was necessary to prevent shutting down the show," it said in a statement.

"He told us that even if he had to sacrifice more time in custody in order to protect the show and the jobs of those who work with him, he would do so.

"From what occurred today, it is evident he is a man of his word."

2007-10-08T17:12:00.000-05:00

Somewhere a witty headline writer is quietly waiting for the day when Tony Romo breaks his ribs.

2007-10-08T17:11:00.000-05:00

Son of a bitch.......We really should have more advanced stapler technology at this point.

2007-10-08T11:00:00.000-05:00

It was fifty years ago today that Walter O'Malley and the Brooklyn Dodgers announced that they would leave Ebbets Field and move across the country to Los Angeles. The Los Angeles Times recalls the blackest day in Brooklyn history.

2007-10-01T17:49:00.000-05:00

It's not unusual to read about the occasional lawsuit being filed against God. It is unusual for God to respond:

A response to a legislator’s lawsuit from “God” asserts the court lacks jurisdiction to hear a Nebraska legislator’s lawsuit against him.

John Friend, clerk of the Douglas County District Court in Omaha, told the Associated Press the response was one of two filed on God’s behalf. State Sen. Ernie Chambers of Omaha sued God earlier this week to make the point that anyone can file a frivolous lawsuit.

"This one miraculously appeared on the counter,” Friend said. “It just all of a sudden was here—poof!"

The suit also argues that God is immune from earthly laws, he has not been served with the suit, and he should not be blamed for human suffering.

"I created man and woman with free will and next to the promise of immortal life, free will is my greatest gift to you," it read.

No contact information was on the filing, although it lists St. Michael the Archangel as a witness. Several local lawyers denied that they wrote the response, but they told Omaha’s Action 3 News they are available if God needs them.

Naturally, this whole situation warrants a few questions and observations:

Does God appear for such matters pro se?
Did He pay a motion fee, or does God get to proceed in forma pauperis?
Apparently God doesn't capitalize pronouns when referring to Himself. Definite sign of modesty.
Counsel for "God." How does one land that gig?
How do you serve God...with process? Would the local Catholic diocese constitute an in-state registered agent for purposes of service? I can imagine some testy Protestants having a problem with that, but come on...They're more like franchise operations. Just ask Benedict.
The article notes that God's second response listed a telephone number from a Corpus Christi, TX, law office. How freaky is that little fact? (1) If God is a Texan, then I am likely going to Hell. (2) If God is a lawyer, then I think we all are.

2007-09-27T10:38:00.000-05:00

In other news, I've been informed that the Chinese government is blocking access to this blog.

I'm flattered.

2007-09-27T10:21:00.000-05:00

And the Barry Bonds ball will go to Cooperstown with an asterisk branded on it. Link.

2007-09-25T10:08:00.000-05:00

"Tell me where the bomb is or I'll.......you're so pretty."

Kiefer Sutherland arrested for drunk driving.

2007-09-19T17:19:00.000-05:00

Marc Ecko, the fashion designer who bought Barry Bonds' 756th home run ball, is putting on a public vote to determine the ball's fate. From SI.com:

Ecko, 35, has set up a Web site that lets visitors vote on three options for the ball: give it to the National Baseball Hall of Fame, brand it with an asterisk before sending it to Cooperstown or blast it into space on a rocket ship.

...

Bonds said Ecko could have found a better way to spend three-quarters of a million dollars.
"He's stupid. He's an idiot," Bonds said. "He spent $750,000 on the ball and that's what he's doing with it? What he's doing is stupid."

Ecko did not directly respond to Bonds' comments Wednesday, but said in a statement he would make Bonds a custom T-shirt that says, "Marc Ecko paid $752,467 for my ball, and all I got was this 'stupid' T-shirt."'

See, this is why I love rich people. I'm actually a bit torn as to what I want done with the ball. The most appealing option at the outset is to blast the sucker into space. But then again, maybe we should save Bonds' shame for posterity by branding it with an asterisk and sending it to Cooperstown. You can vote at Vote756.com...Or you can do it right here. Of course, I'm leaving that first option off the table...

Sweet mercy.....Can it be true?

2007-09-19T16:51:00.000-05:00

The Jack Sack reports that Remote Access reports that TV Guide reports that Fox announced in a press release that TONY ALMEIDA WILL RETURN IN SEASON 7 OF 24.

To be updated...

2007-09-18T17:46:00.000-05:00

You ever see a headline and imagine something completely different?

'Dole recalls bagged salads due to E. coli'