tomorrow for morons

i want to die

2021-11-16T21:25:00.001+02:00

But I don't want to kill myself. So I just keep on living.

Užpisa

2018-01-13T22:34:00.001+02:00

i'm better now

2017-11-21T14:19:00.000+02:00

I really am.

I still get breakdowns, I still get angry, I still cry... but not as much. And when I do, he actually helps me, he actually makes me feel better. He never says that I look hideous, that I'm stupid for crying and shouting, he just holds me. Always holds me as much as I need. Until I don't cry anymore, until I start to smile.
He handles me. He knows what to do. He knew that from the beginning.

It's going to be three years soon.
Sometimes I still cannot believe that I've finally found MY person.

real deal

2014-05-03T16:01:00.000+03:00

it used to be easier to pretend
just fake a smile
i'm fine
and once is enough

it's constant now
oh i'm so happy so hilarious i've got so many things to say to you add a smiley another one another one another one another one
think of what to say to look happy
cannot care about myself or how i really feel
have to care about you and what you want
have to keep you happy

oh well at least i don't have to lie that i'm fine anymore

cause you don't really care though do you

2014-05-02T02:11:00.001+03:00

funny
others don't always seem to get
that
you know yourself better
than they do

what have you been through
or your mind
what runs in it

your heart
and the blood that
should be warm

but runs cold

2014-05-01T22:21:00.000+03:00

i'm so sorry for feeling bad
and for wanting you to be there for me

to care

i'm so sorry i give you everything
and ask for a little bit
in return

i didn't mean to be so needy
but i just need you.

2014-04-29T22:23:00.000+03:00

fuck everything

slit my wrists
i don't care

i'm gone
without you

oh god
i feel so sick
my eyes are burning
my head
exploding
throw up
to clean myself from the inside

blank

nothing to offer

2014-04-02T02:07:00.001+03:00

Thought I was doing good last week, but went back to bad. Just a few remarks from certain people and everything seems worthless again. Why do I even try, I know I will never succeed in being somewhat normal.

I have nothing to offer.

what does it feel like

2014-03-20T16:50:00.003+02:00

'What does it feel like to have depression?'

'I'm not depressed.'

'But all the things you write... They're depressing.'

'I'm not depressed. Yes, I have suicidal thoughts, which I do not act on anymore, I'm sad, but it's not depression. Yes, I can't fall asleep at night and then sleep till midday, but I do get up to do stuff like eat and watch my favorite tv series, and so on... I go to work, sometimes to uni. I feel shit, sometimes I feel like shit. Sometimes I laugh, sometimes I cry, like everyone else. I'm not numb. I'm not ill. I'm just more sad than happy.

'Just need someone else to feel less sad.'

not depressed

2014-03-19T03:17:00.000+02:00

i look at my veins
and i wish for them
to be cut.

the worst part is.. it's not a depression.
it's just..
me

filling up

2014-03-11T01:25:00.000+02:00

I was trying to fool myself. Pretend I have some kind of a switch, that can turn all my emotions off. Fuck no. I cannot pull off an emotionless bitch act for too long. Too many feelings. Filling up.

Out of it today. Maybe feeling it from the early morning, that's why today I'm filling myself with sweets. And sweet alcohol.

I don't know what to do. I don't know what I want.
Seems the things I get are not enough for me. I want more. I always want more.
But what is more?

Do I want love?

I cannot handle love.

Why did you leave. You were supposed to save me.

blank

2014-03-04T15:48:00.000+02:00

It's a good thing no one reads this shit. I can write whatever the fuck I want to. Whether it's actually about me or not. Some random rant. Or confession. Or just a blank page. Just like me. blank.

Who knows maybe I have created a version of myself for the society. For the people that surround me. Different girl for different people.
Of course everyone has their versions.
The most important thing to do is smile.

Maybe I should take control of my life, but I don't think I quite want to. It's so good. To not give a fuck. No expectations to be met. blank.

I fill my emptiness with alcohol, weed, and sex.

Maybe

2014-02-19T02:12:00.002+02:00

I depend on others to feel happy. And too often my expectations are just too damn high to be actually met, maybe that's why I can't let myself feel complete happiness. Just don't let myself feel happy.
Weirdly enough, if everything does go well, I have to ruin it. Cause it's better to hurt myself than let others hurt me.

Thought I felt better these last ten or whatever days. Tonight I'm wondering when it's gonna end.

When happiness is dependent on other people.. it doesn't last too long.

But I like this feeling. A hint of maybe actual happiness. And I'm scared of losing it.
So scared of losing you.

Sleep deprived

2014-02-06T10:25:00.001+02:00

Which is weirder - that I turned this blog into kind of a diary or that I am in my uni's reading room about to watch tv series (have two spare hours) and am drinking milk? It feels weird just writing this all in a public place, usually I do it at home or whatever. I wish I could communicate telepathically, I'd like a cup of coffee, but don't want to move from this place. Only slept for like 3-4 hours tonight. I don't know how that happens. Seems that I am always tired after uni and then working until late.. but still can't fall asleep. And then have to get up early in the morning. Insomnia, anxiety.. these are not things to mess around with. It's probably obvious how sleep deprived I am, I don't even make sense. This whole entry is not even coherent or whatever. Jeez, I'm hungry. Gotta drink my milk.

Sentimental shit pt.2

2014-02-04T20:43:00.002+02:00

'Sometimes you have to get burned to see the truth.'

You know that feeling of being too much while at the same time not being enough? Well, I do. I carry that feeling around at all times, every single day I'm torn between not being good enough, pretty enough, smart enough, etc. and being too damn clingy, too fucking crazy, too obsessed, too much drama, too much sadness, too much faking. When in reality... I'm not happy, I'm not even fine. I smile because you want me to. You don't really care if I'm happy or not, you don't really care why I'm not smiling, it is so much easier just to fake everything. 'Oh, nothing really, you know, didn't sleep well' with a silly smile following. I got so good at it. Faking. Too much faking. Not good enough to show you the real me.
Don't feel committed to talk to me now, I don't need that. I'm too tired of talking. Yes, tired. Of everything. Of my own bullshit. I wish I was just able to click and be somewhat normal. But I guess it always was a part of me, and can't get it off now. Seven years trying and no actual success.
I see the truth.
So just let me be as I am.
Just let go.
I'm gonna let go.

Sentimental shit

2014-01-21T23:35:00.001+02:00

Oh hi hello, I still have a blog, woah.

I don't know what's going on, but I've just been feeling extremely out for like past.. few weeks already, I guess. I honestly have no idea what is going on, maybe my past self is coming back, and that would be just too messed up, hopefully I will control myself and remain somewhat normal.
I think I kinda started writing a diary on paper. I still have this blog, the Lithuanian one which I now rarely ever use and well Tumblr for expressing shit in pics. But I feel the paper one is the best. Paper is always the best. That's why all the e-books will never take me over, I have to feel the paper between my fingers, hear that crunchy sound as I turn the page, and the smell.. some really do not smell good, but I love how unique it is. And well, back to the paper diary.. it's just like writing letters. I always loved paper letters. Shame not many people write them anymore.

And I get to draw in it. And write over the stuff I have already written. And handwriting everything is just.. great.

Turn a random page and write in it.

You're The One That I Want

2013-11-12T22:36:00.000+02:00

Went shopping recently. Bought this military shirt, tights and boots with little spikes (still into them).
By clicking on the pic below you'll go to my Lookbook page.

Have some other new clothes as well, gonna post them some day. Maybe even soon.

Arizona

2013-10-29T19:12:00.000+02:00

A friend asked me to do a review on Arizona iced tea, so here it is.

The Original green tea with honey - it was pretty good, although too sweet for my taste as I only add just a little bit or no honey/sugar at all to my tea. Love the packaging though, this one attracts more attention than the others, that's why I tried this tea first.

Pomegranate green tea - better than the original, although also sweet or even sweeter. But that sweetness is much better and tastier. This one is either my favorite or second favorite. Really tasty.

Peach/lemon flavour - just like another brand Nestea - peach is better. Weirdly both of them have somewhat weird chemical feel to it, although it says on the packaging there's no artificial stuff and only natural flavour. Lemon is not as good as peach, I'd not buy it again. Though I'd only buy peach one if there were no other tastes as well.

Blueberry white tea - competes with the pomegranate one, either favorite or second fav. Which is really odd, cause I don't like pears and this one not only has blueberry, but also pear juice in it. Can't really remember the level of sweetness though, which is good, cause that means it's not too sweet.

Hope you found it interesting and helpful in deciding which one you'd like to try first or not try at all. Let me know which one is your fav and why if you already did.
Have a nice evening or whatever.

I've Got 5 Now

2013-10-29T01:07:00.001+02:00

I've got a couple ideas/news for my blog post, and I'll start with the newest one.

As some know already from my facebook/instagram/tumblr/twitter - I've got a new tattoo. It's my 5th, and certainly not the last one.
Tried to draw a face from a pic, but I failed, so asked my course mate to do it, and she's really talented, so her drawing is perfect. D. Valuckaitės Portretai

And this is how it looks on my thigh. Pretty fucking awesome. Got it done at Ink Factory. Will give a close-up, when it's all healed up, cause now it doesn't look its very best just yet.

Nighty night.

I'm Alive

2013-10-09T17:23:00.000+03:00

Long time no see. I kinda forgot that I have a blog, but a couple days ago we were talking about blogs in a lecture, and when the teacher asked if any of us have a blog, I realised that I do. So here I am, back on it again. I guess.

Shit's been going crazy since my last post. I'm back at my classes, have a job, but still procrastinating wayyy too much.
Am single and have a teeny tiny crush on one of the Erasmus students, how awesome is that. Am too afraid to do anything about it.
I'm not attending some classes I'm supposed to, but going to one, which I'm not even signed up for. Yeeaah, I still have a teeny tiny crush on the prof. But let's keep it a secret. A good thing almost no one reads my blog.
Although weirdly I have gained more followers when I stopped posting than when I actually did post stuff.

Had a photo shoot with a friend not so long ago, so will probably post some of the pics soon.

Oh, and did you hear about that Lithuanian girl Gabriele Z who is also 20years old and was killed in Germany?
Well, not me, so stop asking.
I may sound insensitive or whatever, it is sad that such things happen, but this is getting annoying. I even get messages from random people asking if it's not me. Well, d'oh.

summertime sadness

2013-07-23T13:53:00.002+03:00

In love with this new shirt and skirt combo. And my legs look super awesome in these Vagabonds haha.

So me and my cousins went out yesterday and, well, we just love to take pictures of ourselves. So here are the results of that:

And umh I'm like super sad right now, so bye.

Red Lips

2013-07-22T23:46:00.002+03:00

It's kind of an old outfit, wore it like a week ago when me and my fam were on our mini vacation at the seaside. Stole my mom's wedges for a couple of days haha.

It was my 20th birthday that weekend, which was chill. My 19th was more organised, although the guests were the same as always - my godfather's family. And this time I got myself a phone for a present, which is really awesome. Way better than all of my last ones combined haha.
Don't have any pics from that day or anything associated with it, I like my birthdays, but this one makes me a bit sad, I just feel so old, wanna be a little kid again, not a grown up. This shit sucks.

Oh well, whatever. Been shopping yesterday and hung out with my cousins today, so a new post coming up some day soon probably.

Devil Doll

2013-07-11T23:20:00.001+03:00

Heyo.

So I was not only hooked up on the whole rockabilly look thing, but the music as well. And as my brother is a fan of such music, he gave me the names of his favorite bands/artists and I just fell in love with Devil Doll, she's amazing !!

I was surprised to find out, that she also covered Peggy Lee's 'Fever', which is actually one of my favorite songs, that made me like Devil Doll even more haha. Was listening to her this whole day.

But enough about music; that's how I looked today:

With my boyfriend's shirt and mom's shoes, which were killing me at the end of the day haha. I'm just not used to wearing such shoes; only flats, sneakers are the best for me ! But I guess I'll just have to get used to wearing high heels (:

Rockabilly?

2013-07-11T01:49:00.001+03:00

Sup.

I kind of changed my style a little bit. Well, at least my hairstyle. Inspired by my boyfriend, started doing pompadour and wearing my clothes just a teeny tiny bit differently, but it somehow looks more than a teeny tiny bit different (wat?), maybe it's just because of the hair (and lipstick). Anyways, that's how I look now:

And I really wanted to show this new look off, so was really glad when Irma decided it's time to meet up and I suggested going out! I tried froyo for the first time, was delicious ! And the little marshmallows are adorable, wanted to try them out for quite a long time as well ; D

After that we went to a cafe, where Irma got a mango smoothie and I got coffee of the week (as I always do), but I can't even remember what kind it was : D I think nutty iced latte or something like that, anyways it was delicious, a bit stronger, just as I like it (; (oh daaaamn, I'm so artistic with all these pics haha)

And here we both are, we really like to take pics of everything/everyone and ourselves ; D

After saying our goodbies with Irma, I met up with my boyfriend (edit 2013/10/10: ex bf now) , who gave me his shirt, which looks waayy better than my blue one, don't really know why, the pattern is similar... Oh well, whatever, we now look as an awesome kind of a little bit old school couple haha. And don't you dare say, that we don't ! (:

you know we're so mischievous

2013-07-08T23:58:00.000+03:00

So my brother took his camera out just so he could lend it to our sister or whatever and then just started taking random shots of me, what later turned to be a kind of a photo shoot. Here are the results, the best pics, according to me:

And if anyone was wondering, it's a flash I'm holding up.