http://www.tonemoan.com/articles 2009-07-06T04:30:37Z Tonemoan.com no-spam@example.com AC no-spam@example.com http://www.tonemoan.com/articles/how-to-suck-at-guitar

Be a vegetarian. Simple. If you take a look at nature, animals that eat green stuff - think cows - are generally stupid, fat, slow and lame. Their best quality is typically tasting awesome when you eat them. Carnivores on the other hand have vegetarians for breakfast. It is scientifically proven that chewing steak all the time makes you play better guitar. The contrary has a diametrically negative effect. Not drink. If you don't drink all the time, you won't get drunk, which means you'll never play a kick ass rocking show. Regardless of how many scales you can play at the speed of light with your lil' buddies in your dad's garage, you don't count for shit if you don't do kick ass rocking shows. It's scientifically proven that, to perform in rock glory, one needs to be hammered drunk. And to hold your liquor, you need to eat burgers and steaks. Greens don't cut it. Eat liver. It makes YOUR liver stronger. You don't want your liver to fail you, cos when it does you will need to drink less for a while and, subsequently, suck ass at guitar. Admit you like The Edge in any way or dimension. It's bad for your rep. If you don't believe me, which means you suck at guitar, I'd like to refer you to Bill Bailey's Part Troll. It depicts reality.Secretly like The Edge, even if you won't admit it. This makes you a closet Edge lover, most probably a vegetarian who only drinks Fanta. You suck at guitar. Be a pothead. Smoking the weed, you're likely to spend most of your time eating crap, which, under normal circumstances can be a good thing, cooking crap to eat, or playing stupid video games on a PC, instead of practicing your chops, drinking your ass hammered drunk, or playing kick ass rocking shows. Stupid video games are only acceptable when played on a games console bought for you by your record label, on a tour bus leased for you by your record label. Getting high on grass will make you friendly, uninteresting and stupid, the polar opposite of mean, hard rocking semi god.Stray too much away from the basics. That's when less than 87% of the stuff you play comprises of E or A based riffs with strictly pentatonic blues scale solos. Experimenting too much will make potheads dig your stuff and that's almost as bad as being a pothead yourself. Be happy. You just can't rock and smile at the same time, unless you're so stupid drunk you're about to pass out and you don't really know what you're doing, or you're sharing inside jokes in the expense of vegetarians with your band mates. Additionally, if you're happy, chances are you're a pothead, in which case you're baking choc-chip space Mars bars to pork out on while eating mayo out of the jar instead of rocking out. You're disgusting and keep your filthy mayo fingers off electric guitars.Not solo. If you found that scene from Some Kind Of Monster where it is announced to Kirk that he can't solo any more funny, FUCK YOU.Be a singer/songwriter. If you're one, you're gonna think you're concentrating on The Music, when you should really be concentrating on The Solo. You probably also play the piano. You're fat and high on weed and your Music sucks and how do you expect to play with all that fucking mayo on your fucking fingers?

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