TontoandFriends.com

TontoandFriends.com - A new beginning!

noreply@blogger.com (Bobby D. Lux) — Thu, 02 Jul 2009 17:02:00 +0000

Coming August 2009.

Older, but not wiser...

You've been warned.

Tonto's Pro Wrestling Adventure... The Deadly Chop!

noreply@blogger.com (Bobby D. Lux) — Tue, 02 Dec 2008 18:18:00 +0000

by Tonto Balboa - tontobalboa@hotmail.com

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Whew! After a long Thanksgiving break with the new lady (who cooks a mean turkey, by the way), it was back to the grind yesterday learning my craft as a professional wrestler.

My sensei was late, so I started to warm up on the heavy bag. Man, it felt great throwing the 'ol one-two again right down the middle. Blind 'em with the jab, steam roll 'um with the right cross. While they're reeling, a left body shot from Tonto to the liver never hurt anyone... not permanently at least.

After working up a sweat, suddenly I hear, "Hope you don't plan on doing anything with those punches..." My sensei finally arrived.

Excuse me?! Those punches netted me 42 professional KOs, dickface.

My sensei proceeds to tell me that he's going to show me how to really throw a punishing strike... one of the most effective professional wrestling moves of all-time: The Deadly Chop!!!

Technique:
Used by just about every wrestler ever, but popularized by Ric Flair, the deadly chop is the wrestling equivalent of a stiff jab. Often referred to as a knifeegde chop, or a plan old chop, a fighter will wind up and stike his opponent across the chest with a backhanded slap. Another variation (seen more often used by Japanese fighters) is where a fighter will come forward with a overhand chop, but still landing in the chest region.

Like a jab, the deadly chop serves a number of purposes in a pro wrestling fight.

Many a pro wrestling match starts off with the two fighters trading deadly chops in the center of the ring. Clearly, their intent isn't to stun their opponent long enough to score a pinfall... oh no, the intent to to establish male dominance by seeing who will back down first. Typically, it's the better conditioned fighter who can hold on to proper technique the longest who will win out.

In this respect, the deadly chop is the most primal move there is in professional wrestling.

Later on in the fight, a deadly chop can be used more as a stunning blow to set up other more high-impact moves and holds. A properly applied deadly chop serves a number of goals: It momentarily retsricts the breathing of your opponent, it affects the central nervous system by sending a surging jolt through your muscles and joints (like sticking a fork in an electrical socket), and it's an effective mental warfare tool because it's really embarassing to be slapped by another man.

How To:
The secret to planting a wicked deadly chop on your opponent is that it's all in the hips. Just like throwing a cross in boxing, your power is generated by using your hips to unleash hell fury upon your opponent.

A great chop starts with footwork. Turn your body so that your feet are parallel with one another yet are at a 90 degree angle from your opponent. Bend you knees and turn your body away from your opponent as if you're a coiling serpant. Don't forget to keep your core tense (that's where the power comes from).

As you complete your windup, bring your lead arm up across your chest while keeping your shoulder, elbow, and wrist lined up horizontally while keeping your hand and fingers loose. Now, you're ready!

Quickly turn your hips towards your opponent to create a whip like effect culminating with a backhanded swat across your opponent's chest. Make sure to pivot on the balls of your feet at the end of the movement for full torque!

Some fighters like to cup their hands on the swat to focus the impact while others spread out their fingers to get a maximum spread of the damage.

Experiment and see what works for you! Pretty soon, you'll have crowds screaming "WHOOOOOO!" at your every chop!

NOTE: This move is to be done by professional wrestlers only! Do not practice this on your friends, family, or pets as serious injury can come as a result. Seek out a trained professional wrestling sensei if you are looking to train in the art of professional wrestling.

Tonto's New Adventure... Into the World of Pro Wrestling!!!

noreply@blogger.com (Bobby D. Lux) — Tue, 25 Nov 2008 19:12:00 +0000

By Tonto Balboa – tontobalboa@hotmail.com

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They say that the best comedy comes from miserable people. I agree. Look at my staff! A cadre of repressed guilt, anger, malice, and I’m guessing a speech impediment (looking at you Linus). That’s made for some great, great comedy writing here at tontoandfriends.com.

Ahhh, but how things change.

As for me, I’m out of my studio apartment; I regained some of my lost notoriety, and most importantly… found myself some love.

It’s suddenly become difficult to look at life through the lens of satire I once possessed. As far as I’m concerned, life is fan-fuckin-tastic... which isn't always really funny.

So what? Is tontoandfriends.com down for the count?

No way!!! Never!!!

And you know why?!

I need money.

You see, being in love and living in a place that provides more in a kitchen than a nine-volt powered “hot plate” is one thing, but you have to pay for those luxuries… especially the love, so it’s back to work for Tonto.

I have a unique skill set in that I spent much of time as a highly tuned and graceful pugilist of the highest caliber and most recently have served as editor and chief (not "in chief" in my case) of this site… easily the funniest website of all-time, so I’ve decided to become a professional wrestler!!!!

Here’s what I’m going to do. First, I have to train and learn all the moves required to become a professional wrestler. While I’m doing that, I’m going to share those techniques I’m learning with the readers of tontoandfriends.com so that you too can learn the martial arts moves needed to become a professional wrestler.

I’ve already found my school and my sensei! He asked to remain anonymous for the time but has assured me that I will receive only the most top-notch of training techniques!

So far, I’ve learned one new move, the headlock, a basic of the professional wrestler.

The headlock is one of those moves that’s easy to learn but takes many months of practice to master.

Technique:
There’s two main variations to the headlock and each serve a different purpose. The first is where you focus pressure of the lock around the skull area of the head, primarily on the temples.

You want to grab this type of headlock earlier in the match where you can hope to put enough pressure on the temples to cause a vertigo reaction in your opponent by forcing synapses in their brain to fire off uncontrollably as a result of the pressure. The hope is to disorient the fighter for the remainder of the match.

There’s a second use of the headlock where you apply the same techniques described below only to the throat area of the neck. Be careful as you can only use this type of hold for up to five seconds or face losing the fight via disqualification. It’s typical to go for the neck later on in the fight as an oxygen removing type hold that makes for a good setup to your finishing hold.

How To:
Clasp your hands around the skull of your opponent and yank his head down just a few inches above your hip. You want to make sure that your hands are clasped together like you were an arm wrestler… I know, arm wrestling is a different martial art unto itself, but it is a form of wrestling and the hand placement in similar in this position.

Once you have the head near your hip, crank on the skull a bit to turn the head as close to a 45 degree angle as possible. This will help keep your opponent off-balance, preventing them from countering you with a back suplex or a low-blow. Famed champion Ric Flair was excellent at defending a poorly applied headlock with a proper forearm to the dangling coconuts.

Don’t forget to lower your center of gravity which allows you to utilize your core strength on the squeeze and also keeps your opponent off balance.

Once you have the head in position, make sure you arrange your arm so that the base of your opponent’s skull is trapped directly in the pocket of your bent arm.

At this point, you should be able to drive the side of your Radial bone into one temple while exerting pressure on the other temple with you Humerus bone.

The result is very uncomfortable hold that will pay dividends later in the fight!

- Tonto Balboa, real name unknown, is a former prizefighter with a record of 48-10. He is best known for getting his ass royally whupped by Larry Holmes in Madison Square Garden. Since then, Balboa has toured the country as a salesman, attempting to cash in on his 1/64th Native American heritage, by selling Indian artifacts. He is currently the editor and chief (after all, he Native American) of Tonto and Friends.

NOTE: If you liked this article, there's more temple squeezing glory in our Sports Article Archive, our Ask a Pirate Archive, and our Political Article Archive!!!

Top 10 Bum Films of All-Time!!!

noreply@blogger.com (Bobby D. Lux) — Wed, 19 Nov 2008 19:06:00 +0000

By Slocomb Jones - mail can be sent to Slocomb Jones via tontobalboa@hotmail.com

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[NOTE FROM THE CHIEF: It's time for a greatest hits piece once again! This time, I've selected one of my favorite articles from our (pardon the pun) resident professional bum, Slocomb Jones]

Just because you’re a bum doesn’t mean that you can’t enjoy the finer things in life.

Alcohol.

The outdoors.

Cinema.

One of my favorite things to do at the peak of my bumming career was to sneak into the drive in. One time, I live behind screen 4 at Sam’s Family Drive-In from Godfather to Godfather 2. I left after Michael had Fredo killed.

Throughout my travels, I’ve seen lots of movies…mostly on department stores TV’s, which can be a pain because security usually throws you out ten minutes into the movie. So, as an expert on cinema and as a tenth degree black belt in the art of bum-fu, I feel more than qualified to present, what I consider, the top ten bum films of all-time.

10. City Lights – For the longest time, I though the movie player this was busted, because I could see the little guy talking to the blind girl, and all I heard was piano. One time, I got so drunk, I couldn’t hear people talk for two weeks…then I realized I had a pencil broke off in my ear. Anyway, this is every bum’s dream come too: you fall in love with a girl who loves you for who you are. Here’s the problem: bums don’t have dreams. That why we’re bums! It’s the profession for the non-dreamer.

It gets a low ranking because he made me cry at the end. Bums don’t cry. We don’t.

9. (tie) Rocky – Rocky Balboa was one bounced rent check away from being a mentally-challenged bum, but Apollo Creed changed by giving him a million to one shot. Here’s where it’s like real life: when bums get a chance to do something great…we fail. Just like Rocky. He lost. Like a true bum. In Rocky II, he stopped being a bum and I stopped caring. Call me when he’s back on the streets broke and fighting AIDS patients in the gutter. That’s a real bum.

9. (tie) On The Waterfront – I’ve never seen it, but I guess it’s about a guy who always says he’s a bum. Thing is, I guess he’s always crying about. Oh yeah, well boo-hoo. Stop whining. Another boxer who can’t win a fight. I can’t stand these kind of bums. Face it, you’re a bum. Embrace it. Don’t run from it. Change is for other people. Spare change is for us.

7. E! True Hollywood Story-Corey Haim – Wow, talk about a documentary! A guy who has it all to pawning your engagement ring for pizza cash. That proves that no matter what, some people just have the gift of bumness in them. It’s in their DNA. I like to think that I’m one of those people. I know Corey Haim is.

Handle your shit, Corey. Handle. Your. Shit.

6. Young Guns II – A true story about a gang of homeless guys who run amok. I would be afraid to be homeless back in the 19th century without the luxuries that bums enjoy today. This movie reinforces two very key rules of bum life. 1.) You can’t trust anybody. Even your closest friends will shoot you in the back and 2.) When you’re a rambling old man…no one takes you seriously. Even if you’re Billy The Kid.

Plus, the film has the best bum quote ever: “You asked me if I have scars? Yessir, I have my scars.”

5. Down and Out in Beverly Hills – This is every bum’s dream come true. Get taken in. Don’t have to work. Get to fool around with the housekeeper and wife. Free food Living the high life without forgetting who you are as a true bum. In fact, I moved to LA after this movie came out, but I couldn’t find Beverly Hills. I ended up in Sliverlake and was taken in by porn producers. I didn’t stay long. The best part of this movie is that they got a real life bum to play the bum in the movie!

4. Curly Sue – This movie proved that homeless people are cute, clever, and just looking to get by. This film did a lot to improve relations between the homed and homeless population for several weeks after the films release, but eventually things went back to pre-Curly Sue levels, which hurts the overall ranking. This film could have made a global impact, but, like anything bum related…it fell short.

3. Life Stinks – Perhaps no other film in history showed how hard it is to be bum. Even Mel Brooks couldn’t make it funny, despite his best effort. Had he put singing Nazis and the Ferris Bueller guy in it, he might have had something.

2. Hard Target – If there’s one person you don’t want to cross, it’s an out of work sailor. Next time you think about messing with the crazy looking bums…I want you to picture Chance Boudreaux. That’s right, the toughest bum this side of the Orient. With ass-kicking skills to boot. When you come across a bum with chiseled abs and a well-coiffed mullet, you give that dude your last quarter. Otherwise, he might just kill you and steal your woman.

1. The Big Lebowski – For some people, it’s Citizen Kane. For other, it’s some stupid French movie. For me, this is the best movie ever, bum or no bum. Why? The Dude. Jeff Lebowski. The greatest bum of all-time. No job. Hangs out with Vietnam Vets. Doesn’t pay rent. Bowls. Enjoys drugs and alcohol. Loves Credence. Hates The Eagles. Gets women. Pure bum.

Jeffrey Lebowski, the millionaire Jeffrey Lebowski was wrong. Our revolution is not over. The bums may always lose, but when we lose…we win!

- Slocomb Jones has been a professional bum for over 50 years. In April 2007, he officially announced his retirement as a bum, and has segued into a successful second career as a retired bum and part-time bum coach/advisor. Ironically, he’s busier now that he’s retired than he’s ever been in his entire life.

NOTE: If you liked this article, there's more cinematic rants in our Film Article Archive. We got some sonic rants in our Music Article Archives. Finally, the best rants of all are always political (well, depending on who does the ranting), and we give it our best shot in our Political Article Archives!!!

FOUR SIGNS THAT SOMEONE YOU KNOW IS WHIPPED

noreply@blogger.com (Bobby D. Lux) — Tue, 18 Nov 2008 19:30:00 +0000

By Linus, the Angry Mime - linustheangrymime@hotmail.com

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Hey.

You know that last scene in One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest?

The one where Jack Nicholson is laying on the hospital bed, turning on the drool factory?

Here’s a kick ass guy, throwing piss and vinegar at the people who try to hold him down, and in the end, he ends up a zombie.

Pretty sad stuff.

Now, I’m not saying Tonto Balboa was even remotely cool enough to shake hands with the guy who sold another guy the tongs that were used to carry Jack Nicholson’s jock strap, but still – it’s pretty amazing how being whipped can take somebody to a whole new level of pathetic behavior.

And, when I say whipped, I don’t mean “pussy whipped.” Nobody’s ever been taken into intensive care from an ill-timed duck from a set of aggressive labia.

Being whipped applies to any gender beating another down until whatever spot of personality they once possessed is just plain gone.

Tonto moved in with Stephany, a worthless piece of spunk who (aside from turning in posts with the quality and frequency of a constipated, plague-infected monkey) seems to almost delight into hollowing out what small quiet corner of self-dignity the disgraced pugilist once had.

How do I know?

I’m a mime, folks. When you don’t talk, you pay a hell of a lot more attention to what people do, how they expose their true intentions.

I offer this list of warning signs of whippitude to you, my Internet morons, so that you may save your loved ones, co-workers, hell – even strangers on the street from a fate worse than being alone: being stone cold whipped.

1) Increased irritability - When someone you know no longer thinks that setting small pets on fire is funny, take a second look at them.

Odds are, they’re riding the Whipping train. Or maybe it’s their pet. Sometimes it’s hard to read ID tags when you’re reeling after twelve Lemon Pledge cocktails.

2) Ridiculous Attempts at Self-Improvement - I’m not talking about losing weight, or upgrading your meals from week-old Chinese food you found in a dumpster to things you buy at a store (though those are lame in their own way), I mean stranger things, like when I broke into Tonto’s apartment and found a highlighted copy of “Fifty Ways to Spice Up Your Love Life” in a locked drawer.

(P.S. Tonto, it doesn’t matter how expensive your lock is when the wood it’s attached to is cheap ass Formica)

3) Lack of Dreams - Ever since I’ve met Tonto, he’s been talking to anyone who would listen to him, pitching his plan to launch a series of themed restaurants called “Tacos with Tonto.” Some kind of Tex-Mex-Indian-Chuck-E-Cheese abomination.

Now, all he can yammer on and on about making avant-garde films with Stephany.

Sad, sad, sad.

4) Extreme Pressure on Others to Love the Whipping Party - “Isn’t Stephany great, Linus?”
“Don’t you love how she styled her hair with a fork and some bacon grease?”
“Look at this post – can’t you see how the humor pours out of her like wine?”

The whipped individual is like one of those Scientology cult members who gets so far up on the ladder that all the major secrets of the religion are revealed to be complete and utter crap.

Angered by being lied to, their only consolation comes from persuading others to piss away their time and energy with bullshit.

Don’t play their game. When you get bombarded with their questions, say, “He/She/It is a truly something….”

If you get constantly attacked with more attempts to curry your favor, take drastic measures.

Cut off one of their fingers, or something.

Got any other clues on how to see the whipping scars? Leave a comment!

- Linus is a world renowned mime artist whose productions “She Walks with Ghosts”, and “Sleep” have won him several international awards, such as the Deburau Prize He also served fifteen years in Oregon State Penitentiary for grand larceny. He trained in Paris at the International School of Corporeal Mime and will beat up anyone who has a problem with it.

NOTE: If you liked this post, there's more "advice" in our Crime Article Archive. If you didn't like this article, perhaps we can comfort you with our Music Article Archive. Or, if you just need a few more minutes to kill before your boss MAKES you do that dumb project, there's always our Sports Article Archive!!!

The 6 Worst Departments in Your Company!!!

noreply@blogger.com (Bobby D. Lux) — Mon, 17 Nov 2008 18:49:00 +0000

By Vans McCoy - vansmccoy@hotmail.com

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When I was a kid did I look at myself in the mirror and say, “Man, someday I’m going to run the coolest non-chain video store the world has ever seen!” Of course not!

My goal was to be a bank robbing outlaw. As I grew older, my dreams shifted towards music and a more wide-ranging view of mayhem.

But I’ll tell you, one goal that I achieved was to never, ever… EVER find myself in an office environment. It’s quite simply “a living death.”

Trust me, I know of what I speak. As part of a plea bargain back in ’86, the judge made me join a temp agency and I served six weeks of hard labor working in a nondescript office for a company selling some stupid product. To be honest, I made it my point to not know what exactly it was that the company did or sold.

There's a lot of crummy jobs and departments in any given company. In fact, I've taken the liberty of presenting the six worst departements in YOUR company:

6. Collections – You really need to be a special kind of asshole for this job. Basically, you sit on the phone all day calling strangers and try to guilt and bully them into paying their bills that they clearly have zero intention of paying.

To succeed in collections, it's imperative that you're a high school dropout and have a threatening phone voice. It's a bonus if you have personal experience dealing with collections yourself on the other end of the phone debating topics like child support, cable bills, and free-market trickle-down economic reasoning for "if you shut off my gas, I'll find out who you are and kick your muthafuckin' ass, I swear to God!!!"

5. Inside Sales - Wow, these people are the scourge of the planet. It's their job to talk you into parting with your money in exchange for something that they're telling you that you need. If they're really good at it, by the end of your experience they'll have you thinking that the whole things was YOUR idea.

Lots of substance abuse makes its way throught the cubicles of the department. Coffee may be for closers as far as the movies are concerned, but in real life: cocaine is for closers, and cheap booze is for the non-closers.

4. Customer Service – Working is customer service is for the man or woman with no real job skill set at all. It's your job to sit dow, shut up, and take it! It's like collections in that you spend most of your day on the phone, but at least the collections person can fight back.

Customer Service have to spend their days apologizing for their company. A professional bitch.

3. Accounts Payable – Fan of Dr. Phil and Oprah? Well, good news!!! There’s a seat waiting for you in Accounts Payable. Even better (or worse depending on your size) that seat has a perfect “U” shape to it right in the middle from the 300 pound pair of buttcheeks that occupied it for 17 years prior to you.

The Accounts Payable office is the place where all things living, breathing, organic, and otherwise with any shred of life go to die between the hours of 8am and 4pm. Don't fool yourself, once it's dead, it doesn't come back at 4:01 pm.

It's the office where fad diets, $11 salon hair cuts, and Kenny G rule the roost.

2. Mail Room – The place where an ambitious young buck gets his foot in the corporate world? The perfect setting for a big budget comedy starring a guy who was only kind of funny on SNL? The true artery and heart of any business?

Nope x3.

It's the place for the marginally retarded and two-weeks ("going strong") sober to completely fuck up the most basic of tasks: taking a word, like a name, for example, and mixing it up with another name... let's use another name as an example.

1. Human Resources - The true bottom of the barrel here folks. There's nothing worse than an idiot who thinks that everyone else around him or her is an idiot. That idiot, ladies and gentlemen, is your HR Director.

To them, the office is their supermarket checkout line and it's their task... their corporate jihad, if you will, to make sure that the magazine racks are lined with incessant crap about people you work with and all the details of their mundane existance (c'mon... like I care that the fat woman in Acct. Payable is a Mormon. Does this surprise anyone?!).

- Vans McCoy was knocked out at a Dead Kennedys show in the early 80’s and has been a cultural expert ever since. He has spent time in several small bands over the years. He sang for The Magnificent Cox, played bass in Manson’s Ranchers, and was lead guitarist for Televised Execution. He’s spent 347 days in local jails throughout the country and is now gainfully employed managing a local video store.

NOTE: If you liked this article, check out the funny resting upon the surface of our Internet and Stuff Archive, our Ask a Pirate Archive, and on our Political Artcile Archive!!!

ITEMS YOU SHOULD NEVER PURCHASE AT FULL PRICE

noreply@blogger.com (Bobby D. Lux) — Wed, 12 Nov 2008 18:42:00 +0000

By Linus, The Angry Mime - linustheangrymime@hotmail.com

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Hey.

So, as usual, Tonto’s putting some top shelf journalism on the page. Scaring you Internet nerds into paying more money than you have on basic essential goods.

Fuck him.

Sure, he says he’s moving out of his studio, which I lovingly refer to as “The Devil’s Glory Hole” into a one bedroom apartment with running water and windows and shit.

But this is what he didn’t tell you: he’s only moving because he’s going to swallow what miserable excuse he has left for pride and shack up with his Vicodin-addled blow-up-doll: my nemesis, Stephany Ericson.

Truth is, the world’s falling apart like a cotton candy tuxedo in the rain. Chaos is on its way, and it feels marvelous! If you want to be around when the bomb drops and the blood pools waist deep, you’ve got to be crafty, be frugal, and know how to get what you need to survive without paying too much, or at all.

Here are some basic items you can get without paying top dollar:

1) Food - Now, some privileged sons of bitches like Tonto may think nothing of sitting down night after night to dull themselves into a food coma at someplace chic – like, say your local neighborhood Sizzlers.

But that’s not you and me, right?

Here’s the tip, the mantra: Anything is food. Anything.

Cardboard can taste just like bologna if you cook and spice it right. Neighbor keeps feeding his prissy cats Fancy Feast? Take it! Food!

Rats, raccoons, cockroaches, spiders? Food!

Just avoid people and pets. Too many questions, and too much preparation required.

2) Alcohol - Any serious reader of this site has memorized my time-honored tricks on how to find and make your own alcohol.

Here’s the reason behind drinking hair tonic versus spending twenty bucks on some vintage wine: they both deliver the same result. You’ll still be reeling, you’ll still dazzle the world around you with Technicolor vomit, and life for a brief, brief moment will seem almost bearable.

3) Weapons - You don’t need a compound bow with all the bells and whistles. And put down that ivory-handled butterfly knife, cowboy. Getting an expensive sword or gun or whatever isn’t gonna save your ass when the shit goes down.

Take it from me. I’ve woken up to the soundtrack for my execution more often than Tonto’s taken canvas naps. And, what do you think keeps me out of the obituaries while my would-be killers silently give up their breathing habit? Not a fancy-ass gun.

Simple stuff – rocks, wire, plastic bags, used condoms.

4) Company - Listen up, Romeo. You can purchase the most expensive clothes, drive the flashiest car, and entertain the ladies at the swankiest restaurants, but that won’t help ya seal the deal.

Women want their men to have a certain dangerous quality about them.

Good news: being dangerous costs next to nothing. That means you don’t have to worry about impressing them, or paying their astronomical hourly fees. Just be exotic and a little bit crazy. Negotiate their price for a Captain Crunch by shaking a headless chicken at them. Serenade them with a song you’ve written and play it on a drum made from a monkey’s head. They’ll be so enthralled by your mysterious charm or just plain scared that you’ll be scoring in to time flat.

Any other ideas on how to save some pocket change? Leave a comment!

- Linus is a world renowned mime artist whose productions “She Walks with Ghosts”, and “Sleep” have won him several international awards, such as the Deburau Prize He also served fifteen years in Oregon State Penitentiary for grand larceny. He trained in Paris at the International School of Corporeal Mime and will beat up anyone who has a problem with it.

NOTE: If you liked this article, there's more from Linus in our Crime Article Archives. There's lots of Linus in our Political Article Archive. There's not as much of Linus, but still there's some in our Film Article Archive!!!

Things To Not Buy The Cheap Version Of....

noreply@blogger.com (Bobby D. Lux) — Mon, 10 Nov 2008 19:11:00 +0000

By Tonto Balboa – tontobalboa@hotmail.com

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I know it… financial times are tough. It’s like trying to get up for the 10th against Larry Holmes after absorbing a left hook to the temple when all you want to do is check in for three months on the four legged stool in your corner.

Granted, I’m now a full-time writer and will pretty soon be able to afford the move from my studio apartment to an actual, honest to god, one bedroom apartment. Yes! Full sized refrigerators from here on out!

No more bending over to get stuff from the freezer!

Ah, but I didn’t get there on great writing alone. No, no, no… you have to make the necessary changes to your budget to achieve financial freedom. The first step is deciding what to buy on the cheap and what products not to buy on the cheap!

Things to not buy the cheap version of:

1. Q-tips – Trying to clean your ears sucks. Especially when your Q-tips breaks off in your ear. Or when the cotton somehow unravels off the end of the plastic tube and gets lodged in your ear. Or when you lose your toothbrush and a wet Q-tip is the next best thing and the cotton flattens out the moment water makes contact.

2. Tattoos – Pretty cut and dry here. There’s not much in the way of clever words that can accentuate this point better than just showing a few examples:

3. Soda – Anything less than brand name soda is battery acid with some sugar. Store brand soda was designed with two purposes and two purposes only:

1.) saving you forty-five cents.
2.) removing mold from your shower.

4. Toilet Paper – It might have been my 18th or 19th pro fight, regardless, I was taking on Miguel Humberto at a medium-sized venue in Miami. Clearly, I was facing a local fighter and was brought in to (hopefully lose). Tonto wasn’t playing that game in Miami.

It’s pretty common in situations like that for the visiting fighter to be put in the worst dressing room/basement/broom closet they can find for you and this was the case that night in Miami.

Right before getting my hands wrapped, I had to take my pre-fight dump and found that the promoter furnished me with a roll of low-grade, dark-brown, single-ply, un-perforated “toilet paper” for my using.

He might as well as just had sandpaper caked in Tabasco sauce. Taking care of the paper work proved to be more difficult than Humberto that night… it took me less than three rounds to send Humberto packing that night, but more than three weeks to heal up after the pre-fight dump.

5. Cups – I’m not talking the drinking kind, I’m talking the nut protecting kind. If there’s one part of your body that you should spend top dollar on EVERY TIME, the region just below your belt line is that body part. Take it from someone who used to get punched for a living.

6. Macaroni and Cheese – Sure, when given the option of ten boxes for a dollar, you can live for 3$ a month, but what’s the real cost.

There’s no bargain on Earth that comes with powdered cheese. Not one! Macaroni and Cheese should not be flaky. It should not be chunky… and the worst chunks of all are when you have a ball of what seems to be powdered cheese but only the outside is wet and the middle is all just specks of cheese dust.

I know times are tough, but if you insist on cheap Mac and Cheese, at the very least don’t cut corner on the toilet paper!

- Tonto Balboa, real name unknown, is a former prizefighter with a record of 48-10. He is best known for getting his ass royally whupped by Larry Holmes in Madison Square Garden. Since then, Balboa has toured the country as a salesman, attempting to cash in on his 1/64th Native American heritage, by selling Indian artifacts. He is currently the editor and chief (after all, he Native American) of Tonto and Friends.

NOTE: If you liked this article, there's plenty of tips for life and whatnot in our Ask a Pirate Archive. Can't afford a rental? Well, you can read about movies in our Film Review Archive. So poor you may have to resort to crime? Get some quick tips in our Crime Article Archive!!!

C'MON AND COPULATE AGAINST PROP 8!

noreply@blogger.com (Bobby D. Lux) — Tue, 04 Nov 2008 18:53:00 +0000

By The Schmooz - theschmooz@hotmail.com

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Hey there, absentees and provisionals!

I know my loyal Internet fans have been heartbroken over my silence these past few months. Rest assured, Schmooz has been touring all over the state of California, laying down lyrics that pierce the hymen of the status quo, ya dig?

I'm gonna let ya in on a secret project that's been keeping me active up and down the land of movie stars and oxygen bars:

I've put together some legendary soul singers: Michael McDonald, Kenny Loggins, Ron Isley, and myself. We've been traveling from Barstow to Buttonwillow, from Redding to Redondo Beach, from Salinas to San Diego, with legions of sensual sisters in tow.

Our purpose? Knocking down the man's cold efforts to take away loving for all through Prop 8.

Here's the way I see it: strangers who give this law the time of day are living pretty miserable, non-loving lives. They see their loins as half-empty, ya dig?

What we do is offer these broken creatures the loving they crave, as long as they give back loving in turn by voting no on 8.

It's been mighty exhausting work, let me tell ya. Isley pulled his back out after tag-teaming two wild Christian cougars in Yorba Linda. They went home liberated, though.

Michael McDonald's perfected this sensual trick where all he has to do is clamp his lips on a lady's soft places and sing into their scented flesh. No matter how many times he does it, it still drives them wild. So wild, a couple of women in the Modesto, CA PTA dug their nails about half an inch down his back.

It's a lot of sacrifice, but we'll do anything for justice.

And, of course, for lovers who love women, that's where my sisters of sensuality make their sultry scene. They know all the shivers and pleasures that hide inside a cold heart, and they enjoy bringing joy to the disenchanted.

Now, I make this plea to you! Donate your mind, your spirits, your sweet and sour loins to the banner of equality. Go out there and copulate with at least ten people today who may be voting for Prop 8. Don't offer your cookies until their swear , I mean - really swear, to reconsider after you soothe their savage beasts.

Love on, dear readers. Love on....

- Reginald Thurgood is known to his legions of fans as "THE SCHMOOZ," an international Rhythm and Blues singing sensation who has made love to thousands of women across the planet and loves to share every poetic detail. He answers all questions on love and relationship...as he is an expert, baby.

CASTING ME BALLOT WITH AMERICA

noreply@blogger.com (Bobby D. Lux) — Tue, 04 Nov 2008 16:30:00 +0000

By Melvin, the Pirate - melvin.thepirate@hotmail.com

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Ahoy there, Mateys!

I braved the fierce Huntington Beach, CA elements this wicked and rainy morning to stand with me fellow citizens as the minutes ticked by before the polls be opened.

Sure, a casual sort would putter away the experience with an absentee ballot, but this be no ordinary spot 'o voting. This be history. Every moment in this line was violent with history.

I was bedecked in me finest XXL crimson silk shirt, a pair of simple jeans, and me beard was brushed and shiny, festooned with dozens of hand-made ribbons.

With tensions high as they be, I eschewed me blade for a sharpened walking stick as me waiting companion, and listened to the sounds of citizens meeting strangers, connecting to one another through stories of their little ones, or what churches they attend, or the weather. Simple, American talk.

A pirate forgets how utterly normal and plain the world be for the land-lovers at large. Theirs be not the harsh life of the sword, the hour-long primal scream session ye instruct for a pirate crew out of touch with one another.

It be a calming sort 'o feeling. Makes one glad to be out in the world, seeing mankind face to face.

The line passed. I huddled into me voting booth, jabbed the punchcard with a brisk, unmitigated passion, and collected that rare and glorious sticker: I voted.

Before I left the polling place, I spied a lone "Yes on Prop 8" banner, parked on the wet grass. It riled me blood. Polling places are holy ground. No politics of any kind can lurk there. To do so merits the wrath of a skilled swordsman.

With a single toss, I lifted the vile sign into the air, and before it made its way back to the soggy earth, I slashed it to pieces with me sharpened walking stick.

Behind me, the line erupted into applause.

I blushed, took a simple bow, and left.

- Melvin the Pirate has written a number of self-help books, such as “The Treasure Map of Desire,” and “Which Wench is Which?.” He lives in Huntington Beach, CA with his partner and prize mastiff, Belvedere.

Obama Wins!!!! Well, the first official tally at least!

noreply@blogger.com (Bobby D. Lux) — Tue, 04 Nov 2008 05:12:00 +0000

by Bustamante - therealbustamante@hotmail.com

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[NOTE FROM THE CHIEF: Well, our official coverage of the 2008 US Presidential Election is underway! Check back throughout the day to keep up to speed on all the happenings going on in the election as our team of writers tackle the election. - Tonto]

The first results of the 2008 election are in!

The winner is Barack Obama... at least according to the citizens of Dixville, New Hampshire, who are the first people in the country to officially vote.

The early tally reads as follows:

McCain: 6 votes
Obama: 15 votes
Nader: 0 votes

Despite early concerns, Nader proved to be a non-factor in the early results.

Perhaps it's too soon to tell if these results will help sway the other 300 million people in the country...

Don't forget to vote in the official tontoandfriends.com election too! Make your voice heard!

- Bustamante is the current Tennis instructor at a swanky Newport Beach, Ca. country club/yacht club. Not much is known about Bustamante except that he taught junior high math for a period of time in the 80’s, and that he’s pretty phenomenal with a hackysack. He was good enough to go pro, but corporate sponsorship just wasn’t there for the sport to get off the ground in the mid 70’s.

ASK A PIRATE: VOTING, GLOATING, AND DEMOTING

noreply@blogger.com (Bobby D. Lux) — Mon, 03 Nov 2008 18:11:00 +0000

By Melvin, the Pirate - melvin.thepirate@hotmail.com

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Ahoy, mateys!

This ship ‘o state is charged and ready to make another mighty decision come the morrow. I trust all ye have registered for the historic occasion. Cast your ballots with courage, and cast with the desire to put the bad tidings behind us all.

Again, to those Californians bonny and fair, I remind ye to look deep in yer hearts and strike down Proposition 8.

As a pirate, a therapist, and man who loves a good and honest man (a man with a penchant for flannel and bringing me homemade shortbread cookies in bed), it’s time to show the world that we be more civilized than they think. Besides, more pirates than not care for the male caress; ye really don’t want a blood storm of disenchanted ne’er do wells on yer hands.

This I vow; there be no fury like a pirate denied a good gay wedding.

To the mailbag!

Dear Melvin.

Why should I vote? It’s pointless. I live in a state where my choice for president is always picked, and every time I vote on the propositions, the crappy ones still get chosen, and the good ones get buried. My voice isn’t heard, so why bother?

Disgruntled in Decatur

Well, Disgruntled, I know too well the isolation and futility that can come from the democratic process. Don’t lose the small blossom of hope, however.

What voting is meant to do is to stir ye on to read as much information on all sides of the issues and bring divested knowledge into ye world. Being angry with the political mindscape means yer paying attention. Combine that fury with political activism, and ye’ll be striking down the heads of ye enemies with the noblest of purpose.

Dear Pirate Therapist,

I’ve got a huge problem. Every time I find myself at a party, I can’t stop bragging about my life. My hot wife, my fast car, my corporate account, how many sit-ups I can do in a minute. It just drives everybody crazy. How can I change my behavior before all my friends refuse to invite me to another social gathering?

The Big Shot in San Diego

Dear Big Shot,

Here be an idea: Shut yer goddamned hole.

Just shut the wind bag that makes gloating its purpose the way a bakery makes bread.

Try this. Before ye arrive at a party, put about twenty caramels into ye gullet and chew them twice, then bite down on the candies and do not swallow. After about five minutes of pressure, the caramels will bind ye teeth together, making it nigh on difficult for a word to come forth from ye lips.

Ye’ll have no choice but to listen to other people all night, nodding and offering them a friendly pat or a kind eye.

Dear Melvin the Pirate,

As the Captain of me vessel, I find the hardest task to undertake be not the bloody purpose of battle, but with personnel affairs for me crew. For example, I’ve got a first mate who’s been nothing but useless since he began his new responsibilities, and yet the thought of demoting him back to cannon duty makes me so nervous I can barely keep me breakfast down. How can I summon the courage to send him back to the brass monkeys?

Captain Graves, the good ship Icarus

My condolences to yer plight, Captain Graves. It be much harder to be kind than it is to solve a problem with the edge of yer blade.

It’s time to take a deep breath and have a chat with yer first mate. Find out what he wants out of pirating, and offer to help him with his dreams. Odds are, ye’ll discover pretty quick that first mating’s not what fills him with purpose.

However, if ye discover that yer first mate wants to be the new captain of yer ship, slice his throat to the bone without pause, without remorse, and toss his vile body into the dark, briny deep.

Any other questions? Send me a comment!

- Melvin the Pirate has written a number of self-help books, such as “Making Yer First Mate Yer Best Mate,” and “A Time to Rape, and a Time to Respect Wenches.” He lives in Huntington Beach, CA with his partner and prize mastiff, Belvedere.

NOTE: For more of Melvin, check out our Ask a Pirate Archives. With Election Day hours away, we have your fix in our Political Article Archive. If you're sick of politics, take a break with our Music Article Archive!!!

Halloween Special - HALLOWEEN PRANKS FOR THE DEDICATED

noreply@blogger.com (Bobby D. Lux) — Fri, 31 Oct 2008 17:58:00 +0000

[EDITOR'S NOTE: Once again, Linus is a psychopath. If you follow his advice, you deserve the decades in jail that you will earn for yourself. - Tonto]

By Linus The Angry Mime - linustheangrymime@hotmail.com

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Hey.

So, Halloween’s here.

Little boys and girls are roaming the neighborhoods to loot and plunder whatever they can carry. Teenagers are destroying mailboxes, throwing eggs and toilet paper, and lighting bags of crap on fire. Grown-ups are getting drunk and trying to impress each other to see who looks more ridiculous in a cheap costume.

It’s a great holiday for anarchy.

But why stop there? These acts of malfeasance are nothing compared to the grand levels of mischief and disorder you can cause this Halloween.

Take it from me; I’ve been working at destroying society for decades. I consider it one extended performance project. Conceptual theatre, if you will.

Follow these tips below to get the most out of your Halloween season. And, if for some reason, you’re too stupid to cover your tracks or wipe off your fingerprints, and you get arrested, I’m not responsible. Okay? Okay.

1) Population Explosion - I’m already assuming you know how to break into apartments or houses. If you don’t, go play Candy Land with the other babies. For the rest of you, you’ll need your standard lock picking tools, lots and lots of thin blue mints, and a few safety pins.

Once you break into a house, find where the birth control is located. It’s either in the medicine cabinet or nearby the bed.

Then, proceed as follows: swap the birth control pills with the thin blue mints, and poke very small holes in the condoms with the safety pins. Do it carefully; you don’t want the condoms to look altered in any way.

I’ve been doing this prank for years now, and the birth rate in my town’s gone up twenty-five percent. More babies means more poor people. More poor people means more anger. More anger means more violence. More violence means the sweet explosion of rage.

2) Weeding out the weak - Read your local newspaper thoroughly. When you see a graveside service posted, get to the cemetery in the middle of the night, once they’ve dug the plot. Bring a step stool.

Then, lay down in the plot, and camp out there overnight. Set your watch an hour before the service. When you hear people coming towards you, whip out the step stool, and stand up quickly. Then, run like hell!

3) Baby Swap - Order a preserved pig from an online medical store. When it arrives, dress it up in baby clothes and go for a walk. When you see a parent with a stroller, make the switch.

Do it quickly - the parental bond is strong, and you really can’t chloroform babies without killing them ( don’t ask!) And, once you’ve pulled this off, you can find other uses for your prize.

4) Harvesting - Chloroform an adult. Once unconscious, strip them naked, and move them to a tub filled with ice. Color the ice with food coloring so that it looks bloody.

Then, leave a kidney (again, you can buy it at a online medical store, if you’re a wimp!) on the floor next to the tub.

Be sure it looks bloody as well. Leave a note on the person’s stomach (something like “You have thirty minutes to make it to a hospital") and when they wake up, wait for them to scream. Once they do so, send a hungry dog into the tub. The sight of them chasing after a dog with a kidney in its mouth will fill you with joy for years to come!

Got any other good Halloween pranks! Email me.

- Linus is a world renowned mime artist whose productions “She Walks with Ghosts”, and “Sleep” have won him several international awards, such as the Deburau Prize He also served fifteen years in Oregon State Penitentiary for grand larceny. He trained in Paris at the International School of Corporeal Mime and will beat up anyone who has a problem with it.

NOTE: If you liked this article, there's plenty more sage wisdom in our Ask a Pirate Archives. Perhaps not wisest advice... but we have plenty of tips and tricks located in our Crime Article Archive. Halloween is always the right time for a good movie, so get schooled in the ways of cinema with our Movie Article Archive!!!

Halloween Special - The 4 Most Haunted Places in the United States!!!

noreply@blogger.com (Bobby D. Lux) — Fri, 31 Oct 2008 17:28:00 +0000

By Slocomb Jones - mail can be sent to Slocomb at tontobalboa@hotmail.com

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Happy Halloween, everyone!

Truth be known, this is my most profitable time of year. The week of Halloween, I usually pull in a few hundred bucks thanks to various costume contests.

One time, I had no idea what day or even month it was and I was passing through a college town somewhere. I saw a big house with funny letters on the side… I smelled cheap beer. I knew I’d found a home for the next few hours.

Someone gave me a pill, a “mood enhancer” and I went crazy. I asked everyone for some spare cash over and over and over and over again… eventually they gave me $500 for best costume.

I kept saying, “This isn’t a costume, it’s a lifestyle!”

In the spirit of Halloween, I’d like to offer some of the wisdom of my travels around the world. I’ve been in a lot of scary places… but only a few actual haunted ones.

For Halloween, here’s my top 4 most haunted places in the United States.

4. White House Motel – Thanks to the Presidents and history, the tourism industry is big in Washington DC.

As a professional bum, you need to avoid tourist places. I know, I know, there’s lots of people with money… but since they’re in an unfamiliar place, they’re less likely to talk to strangers. Incidentally, that makes them more susceptible to muggings, but that’s not my style. I’m from the happy-go-lucky school of pro bumming.

Anyhow, knowing this information, I took what cash I had and decided to treat myself to a room for the night. So, I checked out the White House Motel… it’s over by the courthouse in DC. I got a deal on a room for 8 hours. As soon as I got to my room, I stared hearing noises… like moans and stuff.

Hold on, I know the difference between moans and the sounds of a working girl selling ten-dollar anal… and these were definitely moans.

I went outside and saw a tall, skinny, bearded pale figure of a man wandering the hallway looking for a Ford or something. Next thing I know, he was gone.

I should’ve known that a place with a roof is no place for a bum. I checked out after two hours.

It’s too bad because the place was real nice.

3. Winchester Home – For most of his bumming career, Stinky Winchester was a bum’s bum. He was good people.

One time, Stinky was simply following the cardinal rule of being a bum… picking up dropped lotto ticket. The thinking is clear: Maybe you’ll win enough for a bottle of good booze. It’s like our version of the lottery: the odds of picking up a dropped winner are the same as actually winning.

Anyhow, Stinky picked up a winner that actually a HUGE winner! He found a dropped ticket that paid him over $50 million dollars! Stinky bought a huge house… but he soon started to see things. People from his past were appearing in the house.

Stinky realized that these were the ghosts of all the people he bummed money from who were now dead and wanted it back! To escape from them, Stinky kept adding rooms to the mansion, trying to get the ghosts.

It didn’t work, and Stinky spent all his money. Eventually, Stinky killed himself in the mansion. Now his ghost haunts the mansion too. A moral tale for all bums, if ever I heard one.

2. Alley Behind a Las Vegas Italian Restaurant – One time, I was in Las Vegas and I was sleeping out behind some Italian restaurant a few miles away from The Strip.

It was late and a bus drove by, and next thing I know, a bunch of people in the bus were taking pictures of me. I stood up to see what was happening… then they yelled at me and the bus drove off. This confused the hell out of me.

Thankfully, a nice old gay man came up to me and put his hand on my shoulder.

“They thought you were me,” he said.

“Well, I'm not,” I said.

“I know you’re not, sweetie.”

This guy had on some flashy, sparkly clothes, so the professional in me took over.

“Excuse me sir,” I said. “Do you think you could spare a little...?”

“My dear,” he laughed. “I haven’t needed my money for a long time now. Look at me… I’m fabulous. You don’t need money, honey.”

He turned and walked away from me, but he didn’t have any feet!!!

1. Prison Cell on an Island – One time, after spending an evening in a haze in San Francisco, I woke up and found myself locked up in a dark prison cell.

My head was cut, and I had a note pinned on me that said, “If you can read this… we didn’t hit you hard enough. Stay out of ‘Frisco, bum! – SFPD”

Next thing I know, there’s a short, fat, Italian man in my cell. He said his name was Al “Cat” Raz, and that he was a mobster or something. I told him that I wasn’t looking from trouble, but he said he was here to help me. Like all criminals, he said he wasn’t guilty of anything, and that he stuck around there to help all innocent people leave this “rock.” Whatever that meant.

Next thing I know, Al unlocked my cell door, tipped his cap to me, and then he walked through the wall! I gathered my bearings, took a quick nap, and then got out of that cell as fast as I could.

It was long swim back to San Francisco.

- Slocomb Jones has been a professional bum for over 50 years. In April 2007, he officially announced his retirement as a bum, and has segued into a successful second career as a retired bum and part-time bum coach/advisor. Ironically, he’s busier now that he’s retired than he’s ever been in his entire life.

NOTE: If you liked this article, there's plenty more sage wisdom in our Ask a Pirate Archives. Perhaps not wisest advice... but we have plenty of tips and tricks located in our Crime Article Archive. Halloween is always the right time for a good movie, so get schooled in the ways of cinema with our Movie Article Archive!!!

Philly Obama Sandwich - Sports Column

noreply@blogger.com (Bobby D. Lux) — Thu, 30 Oct 2008 21:15:00 +0000

by Stephany Ericson - stephany.ericson@hotmail.com

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Well dear readers yet another season of Major League Baseball is at an end. Or so I’m told. I am here at RiteAid in line at the pharmaceutical counter writing on my BlackBerry. I’ve been here for days. I get to the front, they say that they “don’t have my prescription Stephany” and suggest I wait.

How do they know my name? Have I been here already this month?

Anyway, while I’ve been here waiting for my blue happiness in a bottle, I’ve watched quite a bit of programming on the Television here in the waiting area. Not being much of a TV watcher at home, I am not familiar with many of the names and faces - but that didn’t seem to be much of a problem. All that was on was a 24 hour celebration of the Democratic Presidential Candidate Barrack Obama. On every channel.

I began to seriously wonder if there was still another candidate running in the election. Perhaps the US media has decided we will be a better nation with only a one party system. Well…the Media does know best after all. And besides…the American people are so fed up with what W has done that they are willing to vote in ANYBODY regardless of qualification or ability or nefarious affiliation in college.

There was one pundit who… I believe was on a comedy news program, if there can be such a thing. His main complaint was that nothing good came out of the W years… but then I realized that this very pundit’s DAILY lively hood and SHOW popularity were an outcome of the W years.

Otherwise he would still be just another mediocre Jewish comic from New York. Let’s be mindful of how we arrived at our station in life… shall we?

Hey… what do you say we all go to Harvard Law School!? Afterall… I think it’s FREE!!!! And then… let’s get some foreign backing for a run at the US Senate it’s not free however… it comes with policy strings attached. What strings? We shall see in the next few years.

You may be asking yourself ”Stephany…what happened to your sports articles?...why politics now?”

Well…my little syncophants… are they not all games? Are we not all just marks? MLB survived Pete Rose, Rome survived Commudus, and the US will survive the results of this election.

So… back to some sports news.

It seems that during the Olympics, the Chinese Government was tracking the actions of several U.S. Athletes. Among them softballers Jennie Finch, Natasha Watley, and Amanda Freed. Seems that these 3 athletes are very particular and are known to go out for Chinese but to blatantly ask for “NO MSG” in front of all patrons.

Chinese secret service persons were ready to pounce upon any uttering of the syllables ‘Mono,” “Sodium,” and “goldmedal.” One thing about Chinese Secret Service…they are nearly invisible to the naked eye... and they are legion.

This week, the worlds greatest FAIL boxer is hanging up his gloves. Peter Buckley could not see himself losing his 257th bout… so he retired. A livid Gabby Jay said from his Paris loft: "Ce putain de mère fils de pute ... nous ont été prévues dans à la lutte Mars. Maintenant, la chatte départ à la retraite? Je croyais que les Français ont abandonné si facilement, non? Quelle putain de chatte girly homme Pensée mother fucker."

Easy Gabby… maybe you can find Glass Joe’s agent’s phone number somewhere….

And lastly... as I mentioned at the top, Baseball season is over.

Congrats to the Philadelphia Phillies. Shall we all brace ourselves for a torrent of Philly fan initiated inaccurate slurs, misused hyperbole, and testosterone and alcohol fueled bravado not seen or heard since…

well since the Red Sox fans last opened their collective Nation mouths.

Now… when does the next great baseball season start? Right after the re-distribution of wealth has begun...

- Stephany Ericson is an award winning author of children’s books “The Best of Me,” “2nd of July,” and “Mild, Mild, Oh So Very Mild.” Raised in Pacoima, Ohio by loving grandparents, educated in the Arab Emirates, and employed for 17 years by Art’s Pastry Shack she brings to her readers sugar coated, heart warming stories of redemption all wrapped in a non-traditional Burqua.

NOTE: If you liked this article, Stephany has plenty of articles found in our Sports Article Archive. If you're a fan of the political... our writing staff has tackled the issues of the day in our Political Article Archive. Fan of the life of the not so up-and-up? Luckily, you can find a home in our Crime Article Archive!!!

Web Comic - Life is Pain... For Some People!

noreply@blogger.com (Bobby D. Lux) — Wed, 29 Oct 2008 17:04:00 +0000

starring Tonto Balboa - tontobalboa@hotmail.com
and The Schmooz - theschmooz@hotmail.com

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- Tonto Balboa, real name unknown, is a former prizefighter with a record of 48-10. He is best known for getting his ass royally whupped by Larry Holmes in Madison Square Garden. Since then, Balboa has toured the country as a salesman, attempting to cash in on his 1/64th Native American heritage, by selling Indian artifacts. He is currently the editor and chief (after all, he Native American) of Tonto and Friends.

- Reginald Thurgood is known to his legions of fans as "THE SCHMOOZ," an international Rhythm and Blues singing sensation who has made love to thousands of women across the planet and loves to share every poetic detail. He answers all questions on love and relationship... as he is an expert, baby.

NOTE: Our collection of comics is slowly growing, so check 'em out in our Internet Article Archive. Speaking of growing... I gotta tell ya, our Crime Article Archive is swelling nicely. With the election less than a week away, let us help sway your vote with our persuasive Political Article Archive!!!

Fox News has HUGE Problem with MMA Rankings!

noreply@blogger.com (Bobby D. Lux) — Tue, 28 Oct 2008 17:54:00 +0000

By Tonto Balboa - tontobalboa@hotmail.com

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I've been toiling through the ranks of mixed martial arts journalists for several months now with tontoandfriends.com.

As more and more mainstream media outlets begin to cover mixed martial arts, it's only natural that said mainstream media outlets have begun to put their own spin on mixed martial arts coverage. It's to be expected that as there will be a learning curve as new journalists and news outlets become more and more familiar with the sport.

As a former heavyweight boxer and title contender, the learning curve has been much easier for myself to navigate around. For others... it been far more difficult.

For example, media giant FOX News has discovered a trend in MMA that an anonymous source from within new organization has described as, "un-fucking-believable."

For years, the MMA pound-for-pound rankings have been one of the most hotly discussed and debated issues in the sport. Everyone has their opinion and, obviously, anyone who disagrees is a total moron.

That said, there's been one common denominator that MMA writers have all been able to agree on: the lists have been largely dominated by non-US fighters such Anderson Silva, Georges St. Pierre, Mauricio "Shogun" Rua, Wanderlei Sivaand most notably, Russian heavyweight king, Fedor Emilianenko.

According to many at Fox News, something's missing: Americans.

"This just goes on to confirm an anti-American liberal bias in the media," says Sandy Wilburn, FOX News Public Relations VP. "It's completely ridiculous that no Americans are on the top of that list. After all, UFC was invented in America!"

It should be noted that American fighter, and current UFC lightweight champion, B.J. Penn is often considered one of the top MMA fighters on the planet.

"You know, that's not quite good enough for us," said Wilburn on a telephone press conference. "Look at the facts, Mr. Penn is from Hawaii. Sure, that's technically considered America, but it's not even connected to the United Sates. It's hard for me to consider something to be America if I can't drive there in my Explorer."

The Fox News sporting staff contends that as Americans lead the charge in spreading democracy across the world, they also lead the charge in MMA as well.

"Once again, I think it's a fair and balanced approach that's needed with this stuff," says Bill O'Reilly. "When you look at these things with, and here's the key that the mainstream media forgets, when you look at them without any international bias, the ball lands clearly on the side of the Americans in this case. I mean, come on, who ever heard of a Canadian being a good fighter, huh? Name me one Canadian boxer who was worth damn? Same goes with this other stuff they do in a cage."

Even Sean Hannity, the golden boy of Fox, felt compelled to discuss the topic.

"Clearly, this is a blatant case of athletic affirmative action," Hannity said. "This Russian guy, this Fedor whatever... it's so clear that he doesn't deserve to be called the best fighter in the world, he doesn't even have stomach muscles. I can guarantee you that if it was an American with no abs, they would be called fat, lazy, out of shape, and so... but when it's a socialist, they're considered the best in the world."

- Tonto Balboa, real name unknown, is a former prizefighter with a record of 48-10. He is best known for getting his ass royally whupped by Larry Holmes in Madison Square Garden. Since then, Balboa has toured the country as a salesman, attempting to cash in on his 1/64th Native American heritage, by selling Indian artifacts. He is currently the editor and chief (after all, he Native American) of Tonto and Friends.

NOTE: If you liked this article, we have plenty more sports coverage in our Sports Article Archive. Yeah, I know... who need sports when the election is a week away?!? That's why we have our Political Article Archive. Finally, if the stress of everything is just too much for you, we've got our Ask a Pirate Archive to cheer ya up!!!

MY ULTIMATE HORROR FILM GANG

noreply@blogger.com (Bobby D. Lux) — Mon, 27 Oct 2008 18:08:00 +0000

By Linus, The Angry Mime - linustheangrymime@hotmail.com

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Hey.

Tonto’s been trying to get me to join one of his fantasy football leagues.

For those of you who have actually seen genitals (other than your own or on the computer) in the past week, allow me to explain:

See, there are these people who pretend to have an obsessive interest in a lot of strangers who play on different teams, charting individual statistics on every minute aspect of their lives that almost goes as far as to calculating how many pliant and moss-like turds they make in a day.

Really, really sad stuff.

But, what the hell. We’re all a bunch of dreamers. The economy starts acting like a kamikaze pilot, and we have nothing else to do but dream.

When life hands people like Tonto an extra-large shit sandwich, what else can he do but take a huge bite and convince himself that he’s eating Tri-Tip?

Dreaming’s not all that bad. It takes the edge off when you’re coming down from an aftershave buzz. And, it helps keep one’s priorities in order.

Like crime. In real life, I dole out pain and chaos on my own. Hiring a crew costs too much, and they end up dying on you or giving up your identity, more often than not.

But, I watch an awful lot of horror flicks. And sure, there are days I close my eyes and think about how awesome it would be to take over the city with some of the most fearsome villains ever to grace the screen.

If I had a gang of horror film villains, here’s who you’d face in a dark alley one fateful night:

1) Asami Yamazaki - Oh, look, you’d think, I may be lost, but at least this friendly-looking Japanese woman can help – OH MY GOD WHAT’S IN THAT BURLAP SACK, AND WHY DOES SHE HAVE PIANO WIRE IN HER HAND!

If you haven’t seen AUDITION yet, finish this article, and cancel all other priorities until you do. Trust me.

2) Marie from Haute Tension - I’d just tell her that you were standing in the way of the love she feels for Alex. Good luck trying to out run a woman who can use a concrete saw with deadly accuracy.

3)Baby Firefly - One, I bet she’s a got a crazy freak flag flying for mimes. Two, she’d distract anyone enough for me or the rest of the gang to deal the pain.

Any dream gang of horror film villains on your list? Leave me a comment!

- Linus is a world renowned mime artist whose productions “She Walks with Ghosts”, and “Sleep” have won him several international awards, such as the Deburau Prize He also served fifteen years in Oregon State Penitentiary for grand larceny. He trained in Paris at the International School of Corporeal Mime and will beat up anyone who has a problem with it.

NOTE: If you liked this article, there's more in our Film Article Archive, our Music Article Archive, and our Political Article Archive!!!

Web Comic - Predator: The Greatest Handshake in Film History!!!

noreply@blogger.com (Bobby D. Lux) — Thu, 23 Oct 2008 17:06:00 +0000

Starring Tonto Balboa - tontobalboa@hotmail.com
and The Schmooz - theschmooz@hotmail.com

Click HERE to subscribe to tontoandfriends.com.

Click HERE to leave a comment, or be a pal and leave some comments at the bottom of the page, will ya?!?

- Tonto Balboa, real name unknown, is a former prizefighter with a record of 48-10. He is best known for getting his ass royally whupped by Larry Holmes in Madison Square Garden. Since then, Balboa has toured the country as a salesman, attempting to cash in on his 1/64th Native American heritage, by selling Indian artifacts. He is currently the editor and chief (after all, he Native American) of Tonto and Friends.

- Reginald Thurgood is known to his legions of fans as "THE SCHMOOZ," an international Rhythm and Blues singing sensation who has made love to thousands of women across the planet and loves to share every poetic detail. He answers all questions on love and relationship... as he is an expert, baby.

NOTE: For more exciting comic adventures, check out our Internet Article Archive. While we haven't reviewed Predator (Vans says it'd three stars, BTW), we've got plenty of film reviews in our Film Article Archives. And uh... let's see... OK, what the hell, here's a link to our Sports Article Archive!!!

Ask a Pirate - On Being Married, Keeping People Buried, and Feeling Harried

noreply@blogger.com (Bobby D. Lux) — Wed, 22 Oct 2008 16:16:00 +0000

By Melvin, the Pirate - melvin.thepirate@hotmail.com

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Ahoy, there mateys!

As we sail into these dark and foreboding election waters, I ask ye to take ye actions with forethought and care. A true pirate votes with a proper code, one that takes the law out of their lives and gives them the strength to challenge the status quo.

Now, let’s have at the mail bag!

Dear Gay Pirate,

Why do you want gay marriages for? Besides, the Bible clearly mentions Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve. Why don’t you leave marriages to the straights?

Wilbur from Modesto, CA

Wilbur, as a Jungian therapist, I’ve counseled many gay and straight couples, and let me tell ye – relationship issues are the same no matter what sex ye fancy. Gay folks still get jealous, grow apart, cheat on one another, and fail to communicate as well as straight folks.

What Wilbur’s upset about is a California issue. Gay couples have been marrying for months now, and a new Proposition is on the election books to try and stop this.

I say let it be. No law’s telling the churches they have to be any less bigoted than they be. It’s just a reminder that this land be a secular land, where rights to every soul should be offered.

Wasn’t too long ago that the churches raised a ruckus over interracial matrimony, and the state had to finally make it legal.

Now Wilbur, I am the gay pirate that ye fear. Me partner and I have kept company for nigh on thirty years. The world hasn’t collapsed, day is still day and night still be night.

Our lives be just as boring and simple as any other married folk.

We play Scrabble, argue about which one of us left the oatmeal in the sink, and pamper each other rotten when a sickness takes hold. Let people be people, Wilbur – or ye might face the bloody wrath of a second-class society, stripped of common liberties, with nothing to lose, trading their damned lives for as many villainous souls as they can slaughter.

I’m willing to bet yer face would make a fine trophy…

Dear Melvin,

I’m writing this with the last bit ‘o candlelight available. Me crew fell deathly ill four days ago in Haiti after consuming a fine meal. I buried them all, and no sooner did I return to me ship, when I see their ghastly bones walking towards me, murder in their eyes. How can I send them to eternal rest?

Captain Vane, the good ship Defiance

Captain, I’m ashamed o’ ye! Any good pirate with half a brain in his head knows never to bury their kin in Haitian soil. The land be rich with voodoo, and anything that slumbers in the dark earth will come to surface, the devil taking hold of the recently dead.

Fire, and only fire, will quiet their bodies and cease the gnashing of their murderous teeth!

Dear Melvin the Pirate,

I find myself feeling harried and anxious over the slightest disturbance. What can I do to relax and enjoy life more?

Shelby, Dallas, TX

Shelby, try this: remember that yer only on this spinning ball for a wee short time, and that nothing, I mean nothing ye shall face is the end of the world.

If that doesn’t work, try singing to yerself. I be rather fond of a good Phil Collins song when the petty annoyances ‘o life try to press me down.

Take this booty shakin' tune for example:

Any questions?

Leave me a comment!

- Melvin the Pirate has written a number of self-help books, such as “Making Yer First Mate Yer Best Mate,” and “A Time to Rape, and a Time to Respect Wenches.” He lives in Huntington Beach, CA with his partner and prize mastiff, Belvedere.

NOTE: If you want rum and a box of answers... we can only provide the answers. X marks the spot in our Ask a Pirate Archives. But still, drunken chaos is your thing, huh? Just for you, we have a Crime Article Archive. Oh, I get it, you're the type that gets creative when drunk... gotcha! OK, in that case, you'll love our Music Article Archive!!!

I Told You Baseball Sucks! Why Don't You Listen?!?

noreply@blogger.com (Bobby D. Lux) — Tue, 21 Oct 2008 17:19:00 +0000

By Vans McCoy - vansmccoy@hotmail.com

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Don’t you people get it… baseball sucks. Come on. I thought I made it clear in this article.

Look, I get plenty of email from tontoandfriends.com. Usually, it’s from overseas lottery boards, desperate African princes, and disgruntled Motley Crue fans.

Once in a while, I get a raging correspondence from a baseball fan, obviously upset over the cold, hard fact that the sport they love pretty much sucks. What follows is a “fan” letter from a baseball lover – name withheld.

9 REASONS WHY YOU ARE A RETARD (and have no idea what you are talking about)

1 announcers have nothing to do with the game of baseball

No, of course announcers have nothing whatsoever to do with the game… It’s not like they communicate the game and are the de facto spokespeople for the game to millions of people across the world. Part of their job is to explain the action to viewers and make the broadcasts exciting (because someone has to make it worth watching).

2 you have a sick mind (golf is probably the second hardest sport)

We agree on one point; I have a sick mind. The agreement ends there.

Golf isn’t a sport. Mosh pitting is more of a sport than golf. FACT: the average mosh-pitter is a better athlete than the average golfer. At the elite level, there's no comparison.

3 baseball is the biggest team sport ever, it takes a whole team to win a game (pitcher, defense, and offense)

Nope. Baseball boils down to one-on-one. Pitcher, batter. Actually, as a team, not the biggest either. Football, which also sucks, has baseball beat. A home run or a strikeout can win a game, which takes exactly ONE person on a team to do.

4 hitting a baseball is the hardest thing to do in sports

Not even close to being accurate. Playing a whole season and not knocking up multiple women in different cities is far more difficult (that’s why I always pull out!). Organizing an illegal dogfight is far more difficult. Getting your old memorabilia back from a shady dealer in a Vegas casino is even tougher than hitting a baseball.

And besides, many of the best hitters, including Babe Ruth and Mickey Mantle, were raging drunks. Anything that can be done well piss drunk is… well, pretty easy.

5 baseball is the only sport with no full of themselves assholes

Not “full of themselves?” I’ll I know is that several heroes refused to testify in front of Congress for that whole steroid thing. That’s pretty arrogant if you ask me. If you’re going to court and have no plans on testifying, at least get drunk and earn your contempt charge.

How about that John Rocker guy? He was pretty cool, yeah? Well, unless you’re like a minority or something.

Should I even bring up Ty Cobb?

How about the fact that baseball owners and scouts have created an atmosphere in third-world countries to where kids have to lie about their age because a scout isn’t interested in a prospect who is the ripe old age of 19… or god forbid 20?

6 what else would they wear, pants, shirt and tie, come on baseball is a dirty game not for dress up

Dirty? Are you kidding me? They have a fucking roof on the dugout! They call it off if it rains and cover the field. Give me a break!

7 you dont get tired after 7 innings, if you do you shouldn't be out there, relief pitchers are meant to relief the starting pithcer, hints their name.

Relief [ri-leef] Noun.
1. alleviation, ease, or deliverance through the removal of pain, distress, oppression, etc.

2. a means or thing that relieves pain, distress, anxiety, etc.

If the starting pitchers aren’t tired, why do they need a replacement?

8 you're a pussy

You can say whatever you want about me. I haven’t gone into work for plenty of reasons: jail, because the Circle Jerks played the night before, my friend was on the Richard Bey show… plenty of legitimate reasons to miss work, but I’ve never missed a shift at the video store because I sneezed, strained putting on boots, had a bad dream, ate a donut, or was hurt tanning. Now baseball players, they can’t say that.

9 you probably suck at it. try hitting a 90mph fastball or pitching to david ortiz or catching a line drive coming at you 120 mph while only 90 feet away or feilding a ball CLEANLY and making a GOOD throw before a guy gets there in 3 seconds

Look, I saw the Major League trilogy. If that group of misfits can win it all... if John Goodman can play The Babe and if the Bad News Bears get to play in Japan, it's not like we're talking about a high level game here.

- Vans McCoy was knocked out at a Dead Kennedys show in the early 80’s and has been a cultural expert ever since. He has spent time in several small bands over the years. He sang for The Magnificent Cox, played bass in Manson’s Ranchers, and was lead guitarist for Televised Execution. He’s spent 347 days in local jails throughout the country and is now gainfully employed managing a local video store.

NOTE: If you liked this article, there's plenty more sports analysis and opinion in our Sports Article Archive. The political season more interesting than baseball? How's about the Political Article Archive, huh? Just want to relax with some tunes? Well, the best we can do is offer up our Music Article Archive!!!

Life Lessons Video Games Taught Me!!!

noreply@blogger.com (Bobby D. Lux) — Thu, 16 Oct 2008 17:09:00 +0000

By Linus, The Angry Mime - linustheangrymime@hotmail.com

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Hey.

Tonto, you’re a bitch.

Sure, you put my words up on your page, which provides me with the email addresses of desperate, attractive women who love to send me pictures of them dressed in whiteface.

Sure, once in a freaking blue moon, after I rouse you out of a nail-polish-induced coma and flatten your testicles with a waffle iron, you pay me for what I write. (keeps me living on a steady diet of Tabasco and cockroaches)

Sure, you’re slapping your meat bag against Stephany’s crazy box, and it makes me laugh, how low you’ve stooped. You used to date women, Tonto. Women who didn’t smell like vomit, kitty litter, and Vicodin. Ring rats who didn’t talk your ear off about goddamn spritelys.

But, facts are facts. You’re a grade-A-one-leap-over the fence-into-the-lust-laden-embrace-of-a-junk-yard-dog-bitch.

Here’s why:

Punch Out was a crappy game. You had what – three, four moves??

You had a referee who was far too obsessed with Princess Peach to make a decent call.

The graphics looked like they belonged on a Lite-Brite.

Be glad, for once, that you escaped being the butt of a joke.

But you keep grabbing your shriveled up tomahawk and whining to anyone who’s around, telling them that this video game could have given you a better life.

Games don’t make any one’s life better. They’re timewasters, things kids do to forget that they’re living in an orphanage that’s got an inch of warm urine all over the floor everywhere you go, even in the chapel.

I will admit, though, that video games do teach you some much-needed life skills. Here’s a few I picked up in my childhood:

1) Custer’s Revenge-Atari 2600 - When this game came out, every kid in the orphanage wanted to sneak a peek at it. It was an adult game that had you play a naked General Custer, making his way past obstacles to have his way with an American Indian called “Revenge.”

Read that last sentence again.

I didn’t make that up. Your goal was to fuck the Indians. Literally.

So, one faked case of the flu, six rocks, and a trip to Babbage’s later, I plugged in my stolen Atari 2600 and copy of Custer’s Revenge, and awaited my transformation from boy into man.

Lesson Learned: Idiots will do or buy anything if you promise them nudity. Anyone with a basic understanding of graphics back then could have realized that a bunch of pink squares does not a good masturbation session make.

Also, the game was filled with more tics than Tonto’s mattress. All was not lost, however; I walked away from the experience a better, more tempered child.

The next day, I charged the orphan kids two dollars each to play the game, and threatened to beat up any kid who told each other that the game sucks.

2) Two Crude Dudes-Arcade/Sega Genesis - You may not believe this, but video game manufacturers tend to lack a lot of originality. When Double Dragon came out, hundreds of games devoted to the holy grail of kicking ass spewed forth, all with varying levels of quality.

Let me save you time, and turn you on to the best in the genre of “post-apocalyptic, bad guys all waiting their turn to meet your fury, cheap graphics” beat-em-up games. Two Crude Dudes was a perfect example of truth in advertising. You played two whacked-out musclemen who fought mutants who were created by nuclear fallout, and regained health by drinking extreme, caffeinated sodas.

Lesson Learned: Anything is a weapon. This game was the first one I ever played where you could use the environment (traffic cones, stop signs, traffic lights, garbage cans, litter, and even CARS) to hurt people.

Sure, there were the standard weapons lying around as well, but only wussies used a knife in a battle when picking up your enemies and throwing them at each other worked just as well. This revelation was a personal epiphany in this mime’s life.

Because of this game, I’ve saved my life hundreds of times over, always one step ahead of my enemies by making weapons out of the world around me.

3) Rygar-NES Version - This was less a video game than an exercise in frustration. I want you to bear in mind that this game came after Metroid (which had password save features) and The Legend of Zelda (which allowed you to save your progress in the game) and still had NO way to save your progress whatsoever.

Which would be fine if it took several hours or less to beat the game, right?

This game took me over three days to beat. I left the game on and slept in two-hour bursts. My hands were covered in bloody blisters. And, when I finally beat the game, was I privy to a spectacular cut scene? A comprehensive list of game designers?

No. All it said was “The End.”

Bullshit!

Lesson Learned: Be prepared and don’t make complicated choices. A good criminal doesn’t craft some master plan that requires years and years of research.

A good criminal knows enough about crime to make a simple, effective choice. Why work on the perfect mix of arsenic in someone’s oatmeal to rub them out, when a sock filled with rusty nails does the job just as easily?

Why suddenly start dealing with a new contact who swears he can move a carton of umbilical cords when you haven’t taken the time to discover that his last three business partners ended up parted out and sold as lunchmeat?

4.) Contra-NES Version - Every one knows the best game on NES was Contra. Why is this? The graphics? The gameplay? The story line? The music?

No. No. No. No.

Simple. Because you could steal the other players' extra lives.

When you got shot... most likely because your partner can't shoot his way out of a wet island crawling with alien soldiers to save his worthless ass, you just steel take a life and continue carrying your partner's dead weight through the jungle.

Lesson Learned: It taught the people you played with to rise up to your standards or die - skills that I use to this very day.

What games brought you some true life lessons? Send me a comment!

- Linus is a world renowned mime artist whose productions “She Walks with Ghosts”, and “Sleep” have won him several international awards, such as the Deburau Prize He also served fifteen years in Oregon State Penitentiary for grand larceny. He trained in Paris at the International School of Corporeal Mime and will beat up anyone who has a problem with it.

NOTE: If you liked this article, there's more video game humor (well, a little at least) embedded in our Internet/Video Game Article Archive. Got a burning question that only a gay pirate can answer? You're in luck, because our very own Melvin the Pirate is just the man you need! Check out His Article Archive and ask away. Otherwise, waste some time with some stellar tunes in our Music Article Archive!!!

Web Comic - The New Van Damme Film and how Awesome it Looks!!!

noreply@blogger.com (Bobby D. Lux) — Wed, 15 Oct 2008 05:03:00 +0000

by Bustamante - therealbustamante@hotmail.com
and Vans McCoy - vansmccoy@hotmail.com

Click HERE to leave a comment.

Click HERE to subscribe to tontoandfriends.com.

And for those doubters, check out the trailer for yourself!

- Vans McCoy was knocked out at a Dead Kennedys show in the early 80’s and has been a cultural expert ever since. He has spent time in several small bands over the years. He sang for The Magnificent Cox, played bass in Manson’s Ranchers, and was lead guitarist for Televised Execution. He’s spent 347 days in local jails throughout the country and is now gainfully employed managing a local video store.

- Bustamante is the current Tennis instructor at a swanky Newport Beach, Ca. country club/yacht club. Not much is known about Bustamante except that he taught junior high math for a period of time in the 80’s, and that he’s pretty phenomenal with a hackysack. He was good enough to go pro, but corporate sponsorship just wasn’t there for the sport to get off the ground in the mid 70’s.

NOTE: If you liked this comic, we have a few more in our Web Article Archive. Or, we've got... oh hell, I'm short on the clever today, so here's a link to our Film Article Archives and here's one more for our Sports Article Archive!!! Besides, you can check out all of our articles by clicking the links at the top of the page.

Ask a Pirate - Leeches, Peaches, and Nietzsche!!!

noreply@blogger.com (Bobby D. Lux) — Tue, 14 Oct 2008 16:13:00 +0000

By Melvin, the Pirate - melvin.thepirate@hotmail.com

Click HERE to ask Melvin a question.

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Ahoy there, mateys!

Belvedere, me beloved mastiff, had had a case of the canine croup this past week. I’ve been sitting up at nights with the beast, singing him quaint and rousing lullabies to sooth him into a deep sleep.

Needless to say, me readers, I’m a wee bit exhausted, so forgive yours truly if me temper be harsh and me patience thin as April ice.

Let’s peer into the mail bag, and speak the dangerous truth!

Dear Melvin,

I like to punish me crew for misconduct by covering their naked bodies with leeches and listening to them scream for about an hour. Some of them think the practice be a bit harsh and unethical – what say ye?

Solomon Grundy, Captain of the good ship Infernos

Captain Grundy, it’s a dangerous decision to choose leeches as behavior modification. Ye don’t know which of ye crew could be allergic to the slippery suckers. Having the leeches suck out blood is a strange and unwelcome sensation – that be true, but the worse part is when ye try to force them off too abruptly or reuse leeches on other victims.

Forcing off leeches in any other fashion other than the fingernail method will cause them to vomit their fill right back into ye flesh, which is a sure way to bring infection into ye body. Reusing leeches will do the same.

When in doubt, a psychological punishment is always better than a physical one, and has less health effects. Try making yer ne’er-do-wells strip naked and perform their duties like normal for a day.

Dear Pirate Therapist,

I find myself unable to make the decision to eat a peach. They seem so ripe and sensual, but I’m afraid to spoil their beauty just to satisfy my curiosity. Whatever shall I do?

J. Alfred Prufrock

Think of it this way, Alfred: beauty that is not savored is never truly understood. Otherwise, it be nothing more than an idealized beauty.

Reminds me of the time I first met me love, Hiram. I was in between voyages, and relaxing in Barbados, when I spy this young, gallant chef cooking plantains out in the open air. His red mane was covered with smoke.

Sure, I could have kept his visage in me mind, Alfred, and never spoken to him, choosing instead not to muddy me perception of a perfect and unsullied beauty. But one doesn’t grow and celebrate beauty until they get their hands dirty, and look beyond the surface to discover the multitude of characteristics that make peaches and people so beautiful.

Dear Jungian Pirate Therapist,

Carl Jung can suck it, for all I care. Why don’t you practice the tenets of a real philosopher like Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche?

Zarathrustra

Well, ye misguided jackanape, only adolescent children take Nietzsche to heart. If I’d only had the ability to counsel him, I’d have warned him not to have sex parties with Wagner and especially not to douse his rod into the pleasant gasp of love without wrapping it tighter than a noose in sheepskin.

Wouldn’t have died of syphilis then, and wouldn’t have earned such a horrid reputation when his Nazi-loving sister rewrote his words to strengthen her side.

Any other questions?

Send me a comment!

- Melvin the Pirate has written a number of self-help books, such as “Making Yer First Mate Yer Best Mate,” and “A Time to Rape, and a Time to Respect Wenches.” He lives in Huntington Beach, CA with his partner and prize mastiff, Belvedere.

NOTE: If Melvin gives just the right advice ye be looking for... you'd be best wise to read more of him in our Ask a Pirate Archives. Got questions on funny ways to commit funny crimes? Check out our (for entertainment purposes only!) Crime Article Archives. Want to enjoy a flick with yer first mate or a classy lass? Learn all about the finer points of the cinema with our Film Article Archives!!!

Glass Joe and the Mike Tyson's Punch Out gang - What Happened to Those Guys?!

noreply@blogger.com (Bobby D. Lux) — Fri, 10 Oct 2008 19:11:00 +0000

By Tonto Balboa - tontobalboa@hotmail.com

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Click HERE to subscribe to tontoandfriends.com

Insomnia is a real pain in the ass. Besides taking a left hook on the temple from Larry Holmes, there’s nothing much worse than laying in bed all night, tired as hell, ans not being able to fall asleep.

Last night, my mind drifted back to my glimpse of stardom, my one shot at being immortalized… My shot at being a World Circuit character in the planned Larry Holmes’ Punch Out!!!

I tossed and turned all night thinking about what could’ve been. Would I be stuck in a corner studio apartment? Would my only source of companionship be an organ-stealing mime, a video store manager, a hippie, and a children’s book author with… dependency issues of the chemical and un-chemical make? Does Bald Bull have to blog to pay for his groceries?!

That’s actually a good question… what is Bald Bull up to these days? And not Bull, what about the rest of the gang? How are they faring?

Well… I found out! At least I found out about

Glass Joe – Still Fighting, believe it or not! At 75, he’s a proud Frenchman who’s still going strong. By strong I mean, at least he’s not dead yet. His last big fight was a WW2 revenge bout vs. Von Kaiser where…at least Glass Joe showed up.

Some good news for Joe to report. He recently earned his second professional win! Turns out, his opponent thought his friends were playing a practical joke on him by setting up the fight and the guy no-showed to the arena. He was quoted as saying, “Aw man, I thought that guy was dead!” Glass Joe took a win by DQ, upping his record to 2-153.

Von Kaiser ¬ Now happily retired from boxing and the once Minor Circuit gate-keeper makes a successful living touring the country dominating the “John Bolton look-alike contest” circuit.

Piston Honda - Piston really loved being in front of the camera, and went on to become a

Don Flamenco – Became a best-selling author with such titles as “How do Dance Your Way Into Her Pants,” “Flamenco’s Guide To Magic – Vol. 1 ‘How to Make Roses Vanish From Your Mouth,” and “Fixing Flaws in Your Game… Don’t Let Women KO You With Alternating Head Punches.”

King Hippo – At the end of his boxing career, King Hippo ran a conspiracy theory website from a local cyber café. After attracting the attention of “the wrong sort of people with badges…” Hippo fled the states.

King Hippo now runs a Southern Pacific cult of fat men with no penis’, who can’t seem keep their pants on. They practice strange tribal/cannibalistic rituals against their most feared enemy, Chris Hansen from NBC’s Dateline.

Look for a Discovery Channel special soon, “The Shrouded Mysteries of the Dick-less men of the South Pacific.”

Great Tiger – The dude totally vanished off the face of the Earth. Seriously. It’s like he just got up and left.

Bald Bull – I was right… Bald Bull doesn’t have to blog for bucks. He’s now a real estate agent based in New Mexico. I found his business card floating around the Internet… Yeah, I’ll admit, I blocked out his contact info. He’s not making more money off my readers!

Soda Popinski – Perhaps the most athletically gifted boxer of his generation, unfortunately Popinski never broke into the upper echelon of heavyweight fighters. More than one critic has pointed to his caffeine addiction as the catalyst towards his untimely downfall.

“Who needs to do road work,” Popinski was fond of saying. “I’ve been hopped up on Jolt for two weeks straight!”

Like many athletes who found fame and early success, it was Popinski’s personal demons that kept ultimate glory a six pack (or twelve away). Sadly, Popinski fell into heavy debt with the Russian mob and you can find him working at a Las Vegas strip club as a bouncer who is called upon at times when, “…the client refuses to pay for his dances…

Mr. Sandman – Runs a small gym in a small town training a crop of upcoming fighters. Sounds fairly well-adjusted… that’s boring. Moving on…

Super Macho Man – As I well know, a boxer’s shelf life can be a cruel and short one. For many boxers, once you get that one shot at the title and miss (regardless of whether it’s by a brutal KO or a razor-thin decision), your time in the sun is over. Boxing can be unforgiving to those who fall short.

Some never bounce back… and some bounce back just fine, as in the case of Super Macho Man. Any man who is as proficient at pectoral flexing as S.M.M., and possesses a grey mullet perm will have a long, healthy career in front of the camera in adult films.

- Tonto Balboa, real name unknown, is a former prizefighter with a record of 48-10. He is best known for getting his ass royally whupped by Larry Holmes in Madison Square Garden. Since then, Balboa has toured the country as a salesman, attempting to cash in on his 1/64th Native American heritage, by selling Indian artifacts. He is currently the editor and chief (after all, he Native American) of Tonto and Friends.

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