TonyaC - My Journey

2017-04-07T19:21:00.000-05:00

Scars

lines on flesh – a canvas edited by experience

a physical manifestation of memories created –

memories of better times

some worse

combined to paint a picture

of a life LIVED

external, for all to see

used to judge me?

or do i judge myself?

but you can only see the scars that touch my skin

what about the scars that lie deep within?

the scars you cannot see

that reveal my vulnerability

to the judgment and negativity

that I have allowed the world to impose upon me?

nahhh

my scars are not a mark of shame for me

they reveal my strength & Bad-Assery

a depiction of where i’ve been -

the story that has already been told

the Journey continues

i’m excited for what’s about to unfold!

©TonyaC2017

THIS DAY - no regrets

2011-07-19T09:13:00.001-05:00

i regret nothing, for everything i have ever done; every decision i have ever made - good or bad - has led me to THIS day.

THIS day, i live to simply "be"

THIS day, i love to love ME!

THIS day, i don't wonder where i'm supposed to be or what you think of me

because THIS day, i can finally see....

that my life has meaning

that my opinions are valuable

that my love is worth fighting for

that i AM the prize, at ANY size

awake and aware

demanding and commanding

using my powers only for good

just as my magnificence dictates i should

i cannot account for tomorrow -

the mood OR the attitude

but

THIS day

i am PRESENT & ACCOUNTED FOR!

TonyaC, July 2011

the contradictions of understanding

2010-04-04T22:00:00.001-05:00

i was clearly led to go right, so i went left
i was led to be still; i frantically went on a search
i was led to be patient, so i rushed to find an answer

i got lost in a snow storm, while it was 89 degrees
freezing from the snow, on a hot summer day
lost and alone, in a room filled with people
i ran from despair, walking directly into it

and found the same mistakes i didn't make before
awaiting my arrival
proving that running from it - takes you closer to it

while being still, i went out for a month, one day
singing a song that the world heard - through my silence
i saw no one, and met a man
i married this man, that i never knew
he loved me to despair
and ignored me to greatness

he gave me a lifetime of joy with the smallest contribution -
my son being the magnificent result
i have not seen him in years
yet i look into his eyes every day

i gazed at the stars, while shading my eyes from the sun
and cleared my mind while pondering life
realizing that i knew nothing,
while knowing everything i needed to know
realizing that i HAD nothing
while thankful that i had it all.

the contradictions of understanding.

© TonyaC2010

bruised, but not broken

2010-03-27T23:10:00.001-05:00

been put down
laughed at, frowned on
counted out, heart ripped out - and stepped on

pain fades, wounds heal
see me?
i’m bruised – but not broken

been dismissed – even “tsk-tsk-ed”
yet
i'm still thinking - not sinking
i'm still creating - still debating
i'm still believing - still achieving

bruised – but not broken

some see through me – past the heart of me
strangers presume to know me
to show me
who and what i should be
still, not seeing me
but thinking i should agree

i continue moving, grooving
sometimes aching,
but never breaking
and always creating and motivating

i’m here
bruised, but not broken

my tears are simply a token
of the words my soul have spoken
through the love i express - i continue to be Blessed

and continue praying for those who’s insignificance forces them to be rude or unkind, because they are unable to find their own joy, so they try to steal mine……

but i digress

i’m still seeing, believing – achieving
conceiving - i speak LIFE!
still teaching, still reaching
for higher heights

still standing
commanding, demanding
withstanding
and finding joy and peace
beyond ALL understanding

watch me grow
deep down, you know
you won’t stop my flow
my glow
my “mo-jo”

i am bruised – but not broken

TonyaC2010
(inspired by Jackie - Make your haters your Motivators)

A Blast From the Past

2009-12-26T21:22:00.001-05:00

A BLAST FROM THE PAST

i knew it wouldn't last
he dropped me, relatively fast
and all i could ask
was, "how are you?"

he claimed to be my friend
claimed it til the end
his excuses, he'd always defend
my responses would always depend
on my up or down mood

he clearly never meant to hurt me
i wasn't forced - i went along freely
at that time, i couldn't see
that he had always intended to be free
from me - but he never meant to be rude.

he said he thought of me often
and my mood began to soften
than i realized i was only RE-building the coffin
to lock my self-esteem in
when he'd walk away again

our conversation was short
around my heart, i've built a fort
to protect me from his sort
and i can very proudly report
that i walked away with my head held high
and HE looked back at ME.

TonyaC 122609
(artwork: "Me Time", Frank Morrison)

today

2009-12-22T23:13:00.001-05:00

TODAY……i walk with my head held high

and my back straight,
despite sometimes wanting to run and hide.

I’m stepping into TODAY
with long, confident and purposeful strides.

I look GOOD,
I feel good –
damn, I’m good!

ME,
I am a force to be reckoned with
because I was created by the Master of Perfection.

I smile, for the sake of smiling;
I laugh out loud and often
cuz it feels good.

I accept responsibility for my actions -
for where I am today
for WHO I am today.

I am constantly evolving and growing.

I’m not afraid to share my dreams..
my aspirations…
my fantasies….
my hopes.
I’m not afraid to accept love - or to give it.

I will never again accept less
because I deserve more
because I AM more.
I will never be afraid to cry.
my tears are an indication of strength gained through pain.

I think big, I dream big, and I work hard.

TODAY, I have faith,
determination,
and courage,
and I will act accordingly.

this JOURNEY is for me
from me
expressing that sometimes,
its ok that
its all about me.

TonyaC Dec2009
(artwork: "Ebony in Red", Charles Bibbs)

An Act of Love

2009-09-06T21:40:00.006-05:00

An act of love that fails is just as much a part of the divine life as an act of love that succeeds, for love is measured by its own fullness, not by its reception. Harold Loukes

he moved me –with a word, a glance –a sigh
from the lowest of my greatest fears
to the height of my ecstasy
he overpowered me
enveloped me
consumed me
exposed me, and all my mistakes and frailties
my pain and sorrow
providing sanctum, with his acceptance,
his kiss, his caress
nurturing, understanding
feeding me confidence and awareness with a single touch
building me up with his honesty and his strength
awakening feelings I thought long dead
awakening in me the realization that I am worthy of love.

with just a smile, he quiets my inner storms
with a kiss, heals unannounced and un-admitted pain
with the squeeze of his hand,
demonstrates the power of Faith
furnishing me a lifetime of beautiful memories
allowing me to believe in love
again
and the power that love can have
over an attitude or an aptitude or an outlook
over a life.

no regrets
just love

TonyaC 2009
(artwork: Summer Breeze '75, Lydell Jackson)

Will Work For Food

2009-01-12T21:18:00.004-05:00

Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle.

from a distance i can see the sign “WILL WORK FOR FOOD”
can a few coins actually help this dude?
i wanted to help, but was a bit subdued
i couldn’t simply drive past – i couldn’t be rude
he had a sign, after all – that he’d work – just for food

i do not know his story – he’s just some strange man
however, I do know that everyone deserves a helping hand
life’s tragedies are certainly never planned
i don’t want to judge – i want to take a stand
instead of looking the other way, i want to offer my hand

but for the grace of God, go I
i think of circumstances that would force me to beg –
and i want to cry

to feed my son i’d do whatever i had to do
i’d beg, borrow or steal- wouldn’t you?
i’d even stand on a corner, holding a sign that read
“WILL WORK FOR FOOD”

people’s faces are stone cold –
“he’ll learn his lesson – i should withhold!”
now i’m closer, wondering if i should ’spare a dime’
if i give, will it be to help change his life
- or to help change mine?

(2009/TonyaC)

to know

2009-01-04T19:41:00.004-05:00

i knew you - long ago
before this time was our time,
before you were you and i was me

i knew you - a soul time ago
when your soul touched mine
i knew you, though i'm not quite sure how

two lights in the darkness
sharing space, without time
longing, needing, desiring

i've ached for you, countless times

perhaps you were my king, and i your queen
reigning in a universe still unknown

i knew you before the creation of space and time
when love was pure, uncut and sublime

i knew you when our souls felt free to dance
no matter who may have been watching –
we took the chance

i knew you before - don't ask me how
i've known you my whole life

and i wonder where you are now

i continue to search; to wait; to wonder
continue longing, needing, desiring

are we destined to meet in this life - or the next?

you feel it, though you cannot express it
you sense it, though you dare not say it
you know it, though you dare not accept it

you know me
i know you

©01/2009TonyaC

(artwork: “a moment alone”, c babi bayoc)

My Absence of Shame

2008-02-20T12:32:00.004-05:00

pardon me for my absence of shame – or don't – it's completely your choice
how dare i?
who must i think i am?
i am a well-thought out plan, conceived before the beginning of time,
destined for greatness.

i feel no need to "fit in" or "conform"
i blaze my own trails, choosing my turns,
making my own decisions.

who must i think i am?
being so loud and so bold, and not hanging my head in shame?
for having my own opinions, my own way of doing things,
and my own way of seeing the world?
how ridiculous i must appear to the many people who think
they know how I should live my life –
quietly, and in the shadows, with my head hung low.
HA!

i will never fit anyone's mold of "perfection"
except my own.

i am perfectly ME.
from the top of my head, to the bottoms of my plump feet -
my arms are the essence of strength from defending my right to be equal
yet, they are the ultimate source of love, nurturing, holding, caressing, embracing.

my stomach, which will never be flat again,
has carried and nurtured life, and birthed a nation, beginning with my son.

the strength of my legs allows me to stand my ground
against those who would attempt to force me into their mold of who i should be
or what i should look like

i'm very much aware that it is all the rage
to be thin, svelte, slender.
i've never adhered to "the rage"
and though i have changed my lifestyle
to reduce my size
i will never be thin, svelte, or even slender, however
i will ALWAYS be me….

a Devine Original, magnificently crafted by God, to be uniquely

ME!

©TonyaC2008
(artwork: "Mi'Amore, Frank Morrison)

I AM LOVE

2007-10-09T13:41:00.001-05:00

i've settled -
for half-assed love,
for not real love,
conditional love, fake love.
a sham of love,
the nightmare of love.
for saying "love" for the sake of hearing love;
it was debilitating love,
non-recuperative love,
very uneven love -
depleting,
repeating,
defeating,
demeaning
UN-love.

then i realized

i
am love.
fulfilling
committing
uplifting
smile when you see me,
shine to want to be with me,
float above the clouds at the thought of me
heart skip a beat when you're near me
anxiety-filled, wanting to be with me

love.

me
i'm the shit!
i.
am.
love.

2007TonyaC

(artwork: "Chocolate Rose", Alonzo Adams)

Exercising My Ego

2007-04-16T14:07:00.000-05:00

(artwork: "Allure", Frank Morrison)

I was born in the mind of every man who has desired a good woman
I walk into a room and any man who catches my eye trembles from the wonder of me
I smile, and the sun shines; I weep and tears fall from the sky.
I walk, and as I pass, the seeds, planted as flowers, grow and begin to bloom

“I'm bad, yall!”

The electricity from my touch can light the world
The sweet nectar from my kiss can calm the angst and frustration of the most tormented soul
The melodious sound of my voice calms the stormy seas
The sway of my hips as I move has hypnotized the staunchest of critics
The natural glow of my skin has caused others to try potions, lotions and treatments in an effort to copy it

I am a most beautiful woman!

I am admired and fantasized about by all men (and some women)
The aromatic scent of my breath is sweeter than the most expensive cologne
When I inhale deeply, the trees shiver;
When I exhale, it is felt as the sweetest breeze
My random thoughts have produced the most wonderful inventions
My strength is constant and consistent, for it comes from God
I am so divine, so honored, so loved
In your wildest, most explicit dreams, you cannot fully comprehend my greatness

“I am so hip, even my errors are correct!”

What I mean to say is.....
I am beauty, personified
I am love, personified
I am wonderfully and magnificently created by God to be a divine original
I am HIS child, therefore I can be nothing less than the best!

copyright ©2006 Tonya C
Thursday May 25, 2006 - 06:43 pm (EDT)

(inspired by Nikki Giovanni; written by me)

My Tears

2007-03-29T11:08:00.000-05:00

my tears do not diminish my purpose –
the plan God has for me
my tears do not change who I am

my tears give me strength
my tears grant me release –
and the ability to begin,
yet again

my tears signify the struggle
of my journey
and that it is not always easy or simple
or happy.
my tears cleanse my spirit
my tears allow me to focus

my tears allow me to move on
to continue striving
growing
loving
praying.

my tears
are necessary.

©TonyaC2007

artwork: "Release", Frank Morrison

I Believed in You

2007-03-05T22:25:00.001-05:00

Take this kiss upon the brow! And, in parting from you now, Thus much let me avow - You are not wrong who deem, That my days have been a dream; Yet if hope has flown away In a night, or in a day, In a vision, or in none, Is it therefore the less gone? All that we see or seem Is but a dream within a dream.’ (Edgar Allan Poe (1809-1849)

i believed in you
in the things you said
you saw my vulnerabilities; my pain -
without deception or disguise.
you saw desire I could not hide,
you looked at me and saw inside
and i believed in you.

i fell into your words, your promises;
i lost myself in who i thought you were
made myself blind to the intolerable

and the unacceptable.
and when it was good,
it was so very good -
because i believed in you

but you couldn’t live up to
the image I had of you –
no one could.
you see, it wasn’t real.
it was all that i made myself believe.
i wanted and needed, in the town of
Perfection – a place i’ve never seen,
but i thought existed
because i believed in you.

my desire to keep and love you were so strong
that i became someone i didn't even know.
so you couldn't love me
because you never actually knew me.
i'm a total stranger
but i still believed in you

you were the best and worst
that ever happened to me.
you showed me the worst of
what man is capable of
and forced me to dig deep
and discover the best of me.
one time, too many, while believing in you
you let me down.

and God made it clear that i should have

believed in Him, instead.
and He taught me to believe in me

now the journey is so much more worthwhile.

my belief in ME and my abilities AND my expectations for love and relationships are now unshakable, undeniable, unwavering, very realistic, and rock solid.

all because i believed in you.

thank you.

©TonyaC2007
artwork: “Love Supreme”, Alonzo Adams

I Spent Time There

2007-01-22T08:14:00.000-05:00

the infamous 'they' say we should let go of the past –
move ahead and don’t look back –
don't question; don't ask.
however, sometimes i feel i need to look back
to remember;
you see, i need to release the baggage built up within me.
can’t do that unless i know from whence that baggage came;
and why i even let it in – so i could find release-
not for the purpose of blame.

You see,
I Spent Time There. And Much of it is Still Spending Time in Me.

i want to remember the situations; to grow; to learn;
to use them as reference points,
these experiences i've earned.
at the same time, i want to release the pain those lessons bought.
didn’t realize i still harbored it;
didn't know it was so ingrained in my thoughts.
i nurtured it without owning it –
identified myself by it, through it - BECAUSE of it

You see,
I Spent Time There. And Much of it is Still Spending Time in Me.

images of what was
and clouded thoughts of what might have been.
couldn't truly enjoy the present - again –
until i released the pain within.
forgave those who sinned against me.
didn't want them controlling my life.
forgot that i hadn't forgiven myself –
in essence, the author of my own strife.

You see,
I Spent Time There. And Much of it is Still Spending Time in Me.

I had to talk it out;
I had to walk it out;
I had to work it out;
I had to cry it out;
I had to pray it out;
I had to GET IT OUT.

I no longer have room for it.
I asked God for freedom from it –
not the memories, you see –
but the negative aftershocks and debris.

the process has begun.
I finally forgave me.
i'm moving forward into today –
God granted my plea.

it is what it is. what's done is done.
the war isn't over,
but this particular battle is won.

i embrace my FABULOUS-NESS
(yeah, I said it - i made it a word).
the best is yet to come –
in this theater of the absurd.
the time has come.. i release the negativity.......

You see,
I Spent Time There. And I can no longer allow it to Spend Time in Me.

TonyaC 2007
artwork: 'Free', Nathanial Barnes

A Season to Celebrate

2006-12-11T22:44:00.000-05:00

Last year, around this time, I was really just beginning to mourn the death of my father, who gave up his earthly vessel on November 25, 2005. He had not yet reached 60 years of age. On Sunday, December 10, 2006, my maternal grandmother died. My grandmother was Ms. Lillian Alexander, lovingly known to family, and friends alike, as ‘Big Momma’; or, if you chose to be a bit more formal, ‘Ms. Lilly’.

Big Momma was a 5 foot 3 inch, 130 pound (at her heaviest), filled with life, made the best biscuits – from scratch – this side of the GALAXY, ‘Big Momma don’t take no mess’, little ball of fire and God-fearing inspiration.

Ms. Lilly NEVER left the house without her coat/jacket/sweater, her hat (always fashionable, depending upon the outfit, of course), her heels and her lipstick. She was raised during a time when men and women ‘dressed’ everyday, always looking their best, and women rarely wore pants. Her manicure was perfect, her hair flawless, not a strand of hair out of place on her beautiful head.

Big Momma was very soft-spoken, although you clearly heard each and every word she said. She had a wonderful sense of humor and a laugh that was highly infectious.

Ms. Lillian Alexander was Blessed to live on this earth for 96 years, 6 months and 5 days. Yep, that’s right – 96 YEARS. She gave birth to 16 children, had more grandchildren, great grandchildren and great, great grandchildren than I can currently count and was loved by each and every person who ever met her. And, until a few years ago, she still made those GALAXY-famous biscuits.

I wrote the following as a comment on a Friend’s blog, not long ago, and it’s quite appropriate here…….Grief is grief. You do what it takes to make you feel better - you cry, you scream, throw a few things, run, exercise until you pass out - whatever - and then you move on. I've learned that we must enjoy the 'now', because you don't know what tomorrow may hold.

Yesterday, someone told me that the holidays will never be the same for me again. These are true words, but not in a negative sense. Each time I remember my grandmother, Big Momma, I will smile – sometimes even laugh - just as I am beginning to remember my father. I am Blessed to have known them both and to be a part of the lineage of both. Just as this is the season to celebrate the birth of Christ (the true reason for the season, in my humble opinion), I choose to celebrate the lives of my father and my Big Momma. And I choose to celebrate my own.

Perception

2006-12-05T22:50:00.001-05:00

give me your hand

give me your mind

give me your heart

(yes, I want it all).

walk with me, talk with me.

tell me your dreams, your hopes, your disappointments and desires.

I'll tell you mine.

and let us navigate our way, together, through the ups and downs;

the celebration and the tears.

perhaps, in the sharing, our burdens will be eased

and

our joys multiplied.

just for a moment, give me your eyes

(and I'll give you mine)

that I may view the world as you view it

and you may experience my perception.

open your mind and your heart

and in so doing,

we may be enlightened

and less judgmental.

share with me your fears,

your dreams, yet unfulfilled.

I do not claim to have the answers

to your dilemmas,

but in so sharing,

perhaps (just perhaps) we may be able to change

our point of view or

understand that of another

thus

gain better appreciation for the differences

we share and those that make us

unique.

this is Hope –

the willingness to try.

and as tomorrow unfolds,

the beauty of you

and me

will be evident -

just as God sees us

we will see us

and we will see each other.

It Begins and Ends With Me

2006-11-12T00:59:00.000-05:00

I am responsible for my choices – good or bad

my body, my thoughts, my fantasies, my opinions, my actions

my decision.

my hopes and dreams, my fears and frights,

successes, failures, mistakes

MINE.

my choices are influenced by my past experiences

but I am responsible for my present state of being.

the wonderful and wicked,

superb and sublime.

I blame no one.

I did it.

the responsibility belongs to me

to God belongs the Victory.

I know me better than anyone else.

I have become intimately acquainted with me.

my best friend – me,

delighted with my own company – for a time.

I puzzle me; I intrigue me; I surprise me;

I astound me; I amaze me; and sometimes disappoint me;

I even frighten me.

on occasion, I crack me up.

and I’m still getting to know me –

discovering and redefining,

shifting, transitioning.

the me I know today

may not be the me I know tomorrow.

but she’ll still be me.

I have all that I need to accomplish all that I want.

surviving, being, living, encouraging, believing in,

accepting

me.

who I want to be, ultimately,

begins and ends with

me.

Do You See Me

2006-10-10T21:11:00.002-05:00

(artwork: "Perfectly Black" Leonard Freeman)

Do you see me?

Do you accept me?
Do you know me?
the oddity and the mystery...the
shadow and the light
the ebb and flow
mood swings
sweet things
real and imaginary
struggling, laughing, speaking, expressing, loving
me.
acknowledgement, chastisement,
in my element
eclectic, electric, magnificent and ordinary
on high and down low
continuing to grow
to know
me.
The reality of me.
Do you see me?

(Sunday April 30, 2006 - 11:26pm (EDT))

The Prize

2006-10-10T21:08:00.001-05:00

(artwork: "Diva Divine", Frank Morrison)

I will not bow down to the world’s definition of who I should be
I'm not willing to accept its forced concept of beauty
I refuse to listen to rhetoric about the ‘perfect people'
I will not watch the ‘dream' makeovers -
The lipo, the tucks, collagen, the pulls, the pins, going under the knife – no
MY perception of beauty differs vastly from those

ACCEPT ME
kinky dark hair (and a bit of gray); dark brown skin;
my beautiful full figure
(I haven't seen size 6 since elementary school)!
I have given birth, and my belly will never be flat again
My son is my living testament to the Blessing produced by my belly
My hands are not soft and tender, for I have known physical labor
I've lived life – I have scars
Some physical, some emotional – ALL helped to strengthen
I have endured; I have suffered through;
I have walked alone, enjoying my own company
I will NEVER be a runway model

KNOW NOW ME
I am daughter, sister, friend, lover, boss –
I AM MOMMY
I raise nations
And my head is held high.
the stride in my step; the sway of my hips
the roundness and fullness of my breasts
the thickness of my thighs
we all originate from one source
He thinks I’m beautiful
I am divinely created

I am the prize!

(Friday May 19, 2006 - 09:50pm (EDT))

A Private Party

2006-10-10T19:38:00.001-05:00

♪I’m havin’ a private party
Ain’t nobody here but me, my Angels, and my guitar singin’
Baby, look how far we’ve come, yeah.
I’m havin’ a private party –
Learnin’ how to love me
Celebrating the woman I’ve become, yeah. ♪
(India Arie, ‘Testimony: vol. 1, Life & Relationship’)

Searching for clarification, I took stock of my current situation, taking evaluation and, through examination, I realize that it’s time for rejuvenation, clarification, restoration, concentration, and contemplation; for cogitation and meditation; for conversations – with God and myself.

Time for condemnation, cessation and cancellation of all of the negative thoughts; for creation of a new me; for elation for the life and the many Blessings that God has given me, and the journeys He’s led me to, as well as the journeys He’s brought me through.

Formation of new affirmations, building my foundation; for elimination of isolation and frustration. Time to give God a standing ovation, for Glorious Salvation! Time for denunciation, extermination, elimination, eradication and the ending of useless stagnation; to resist temptation to fall back into a defeatist attitude and the other traps that lie before me. Time for termination, annihilation, revocation of and liberation from the strongholds of the abominations of satan.

Time for acclimation of a more positive environment; for cultivation, confirmation, adaptation and activation of a new me; for self-admiration, self-adoration - the goodness I possess, by the Grace of God. Time for aspiration to a higher level of Christianity; for association with those who will uphold and support me; time for appreciation and celebration of me and of the person I wish to be.

I need to have more conversations with God; to denounce the desolation and desperation I sometimes feel.

Time for affirmation of my destination – to begin my spiritual education.
For God is my source of illumination.

Time for graduation and elevation to a higher spiritual plane; for invocation, evocation for emanation of the Holy Spirit; time for preparation for the embarkation of my journey; anticipation and expectation of the Blessings I’m about to receive.

No more procrastination, hesitation, alienation or hibernation; no more negative stimulation.
No more limitations of my abilities because of self-doubt.
I become the illustration and manifestation of the Power of prayer – the celebration of the jubilation of life.

Time for meditation on God; for personal relation; for the realization of my obligation to God, to my son, to myself; reparation and restoration of my spirit; revocation of the toleration of stinking thinking; jubilation of Holy transformation, comprehending that tribulations are necessary to build strength and character.

In summation, it’s time for therapeutic rehabilitation – to get on track and get it right. But that’s only the preliminary examination.

The journey has only just begun!

I'm Still Here

2006-10-10T11:08:00.000-05:00

artwork: "Pure" -C'babi Bayoc

despite any attempts to stop me
to strip me
to hurt me
to demean me
I’m still here.

despite the obvious disdain for my existence
and overall disrespect for my life
irregardless of the constant and continuous put downs
the regulated and ridiculous ridicule
the demeaning and debasing disdain
I’m still here.

I cried
I screamed
I yelled
I threw things.

I calmed down
I accepted
I prayed and
I let go.
I overcame
I excelled.

‘he’ said I wouldn’t make it
‘she’ said I couldn’t do it
‘they’ said I wouldn’t succeed
‘they’ said many negative things
had me thinking that I had no purpose
had me believing that I was worthless
and ‘they’ didn’t even know me.

‘they’ saw the physical
but did not take into account
the mental resolve
the spiritual determination
‘they’ should NEVER count me out!

‘they’ see me now
‘they’ currently have NOTHING to say
‘cause
I’m still here.

by the grace of God
I’m still here.

copyright ©2006 Tonya C
(Thursday August 31, 2006 - 11:14pm (EDT))

Hello, Beautiful.....

2006-10-09T20:45:00.000-05:00

artwork: "Confident" -Frank Morrison

So…………
I looked in the mirror
I mean – I REALLY looked
I was not pleased..
self-esteem issues barred my ability to see the positive.
outlining and highlighting the wrongs
have become habit
and
establishing barriers
to see the dynamic
to see the wonderful
to see the beauty
in me

I saw all the ways I’ve messed up
the mistakes
heartbreaks
the bad decisions
the stubbornness
the un-Godly
in me.

God gave me a son
who randomly says to me
‘Mommy, you’re beautiful’
for no apparent reason
other than
love
of me.

God gave me a friend
who tells me daily
‘you’re beautiful and dynamic’ and
‘your beauty emanates from your soul’
for no apparent reason
other than love
of me.

God put people in my life
who tell me regularly
‘you’re so bold and beautiful’
‘you have such self-confidence’
‘you carry yourself with such pride’
‘I wish I was more like you’
for no apparent reason
other than
belief
in me

they fail to see the failure
they do not notice the fake bravado
they are unaware of the insecurity
they are unable to recognize the fear of failure
in me

I had to think to myself:
who is this person they’re referring to??
surely it’s not me
not ME!
surely they can see the pathetic – ness
surely they sense the fear
the trepidation
the lack of self-esteem
the ugliness
of me
..............don’t they?

I thought to myself
self,
there may just be something to this self-love
thing
there may just be something to this positive self-image
thing
perhaps you are not as pathetic as the devil would have you believe

So……
I looked in the mirror
I mean – I REALLY looked
with self-love
with self-esteem
with self-worth
I saw a woman Blessed by God to be
Dynamic
Self-Assured
Confident
a woman worthy of my
Respect and Admiration
and
I said,

Hello, Beautiful.

I Am

2006-10-09T08:39:00.000-05:00

(artwork: "Essence of Ebony" - Frank Morrison)

does my demeanor upset you?

does my confidence disrupt your logical world?
you cannot define my true beauty –
or it’s origins.

you just can’t put your finger on my attraction...........
it’s not just one thing…..
drawn in by a charm you can’t characterize.

I am not petite............
I am not quiet and meek ...............
I have no need or desire to be coy.
I neither seek definition from others, .............
nor do I expect anyone to read my mind.
I’m quite capable of articulating my needs.
I speak my thoughts
and invite you to speak yours.

you cannot explain..........
what you experience from my presence............
the wonder,
the allure,
the fascination
the POW-A!
not to worry…..
I promise to always use my powers for good!

I am precious because I am a creation..............
of the Highest order of Intelligence -
who does not make mistakes.
I know that with God, the world is my playground...............
without God, I will just be played with.

I have the strength to maintain a full time job, and be a lifetime Mother;

I have the intelligence to converse with the highest scholars, and give them food for thought;

I have the resilience of the ages, for I have withstood being ignored, passed over and just plain not seen and still I stand tall;

I have the love of the ages to share with the one man who can appreciate me, even though my heart has been broken - more than once;

I have the faith of Job - because I know that one day, God will open the eyes of the man who will appreciate, honor and respect me

for who
I am -

A Good Woman.

© Copyright 2006 TonyaC
(Wednesday September 6, 2006)

I Miss Love

2006-10-09T08:02:00.003-05:00

(artwork: "He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not, Frank Morrison)

i miss Love,

the intimacy, the touch,

the embrace, sharing space;

conversations, declarations

of love.

public displays of affection - that glorious connection

better than the most delightful confection

floating on clouds, unaware of the crowds

that surround us - because there is only us, when we are together

smiling, just because it’s wonderful to be in the presence of one who

loves you

i miss Love,

the hush of silence shared, dreams, as yet undeclared

holding hands, making plans

walks in the park, whispers in the dark

longing gazes, and fiery blazes

of romantic notions

sweetness wrapped in passion, not always requiring action,

feeling much more than physical attraction

joyful laughter, when all that matters

is being in the presence of one who

loves you

i miss Love,

hands that crave me, thoughts that gave me

wings to fly, to soar on high

eyes that adore me, looking deep into the core of me –

understanding my essence, and subsequent acquiescence

to love

knowing me - all of me - and still accepting me

mornings after, KNOWING that hereafter

I will forever be able to enjoy the presence of one who

loves me

i miss Love

republished 2015