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Fear is amazingly powerful. Fear can overwhelm you, control you and devastate your life. Like many other alcoholics I drink because of fear. I drink to suppress the hundreds of fearful thoughts that travel through my mind.

Until several months ago I never really fully understood how much control fear has over me. I now fully understand that for me to conquer my alcoholism and my host of other character defects I must first understand and overcome my fears.

In order for me to release and fully understand my fears, I need to write it out. Writing is my release, so I developed this fear worksheet that gives me more room to write what is going on in my head.

My 4th Step Fears worksheet is available below, FREE for those of you that wish to use it.

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If you like the worksheet, please give it a digg or a tweet or leave a comment. It would be much appreciated.

Thanks!

However, here comes the do as I say not as I do part, smoking was driving me nuts. I really hate the smell of cigarettes and I was sure that I would never meet the women of my dreams if I was stinking like cigarettes. So against others advice I embarked on the quit smoking path. I have quit smoking twice before. Once for 13 years and another time for six months. My recollection of both occasions was that it wasn’t that bad, not fun, but not that bad.

Boy, was I wrong! It was tough, really tough. I had about six false starts before it kicked in. It wasn’t until I actually went to my doctor about this, something I normally never do. He gave me the usual talk we all hear over and over about quitting smoking but it was his last comment to me that hit home. He said, “Your just not ready to quit right now, when you’re ready, you’ll quit” That statement made perfect sense. This is so Step 3. It fit into everything I was learning from AA about turning everything over to my Higher Power. When my Higher Power feels I’m ready, I’ll quit. So I just let it go, and stopped fussing about quitting. A few weeks later, completely out of the blue, I woke up on a weekend morning and said to myself, today is the day I quit. As of today I have not had a cigarette for 160 days!!!

Turning the problem over to my Higher Power was a winner for starting and was definitely Step One. But dealing with the day to day nicotine withdraw was still going to be tough. Here is what I did to get here where I am at today…..

Step One – That Sunday morning, I cruised over to Costco and picked up a box of Nicoderm Cq Step 3 patches. (this was like the 5th time because of my false starts). Costco has the best over the counter price but you can find good deals at Amazon if Costco doesn’t work for you. I started the patches that day. and ran the whole course

Step Two – Meditation. I really believe that meditation is the key to my success so far. The NicoDerm helps take the edge off but meditation really brings it home when it comes to changing my thought process. Now your probably going to laugh but I found this great meditation article on eHow. It is definitely worth a read, it helped me greatly. ( Link to eHow Meditation Technique ) If this technique doesn’t work for you then find another. There are lots of resources out on the Internet for meditation techniques. What ever technique you choose, be sure to practice it at least once a day if not more. The benefits that you receive will astound you.

Everyone is different, that is why we are all unique. This is what worked for me and I’m sure will work for you. These 3 simple steps have me cigarette free for the last 160 days.  Implement my plan or just take one or two of the steps and add them to your own quit smoking plan. Your success is guaranteed!

I would love to hear how you have quit smoking or are planning on quitting smoking.  Share your story, you will be helping someone out, we all have valuable nuggets of information that need to be shared.

The number one fear I hear from new people to the program is that they think AA is too religious. They think AA is some sort of religious cult  and we AA people are going to suck you in, take your money and your first born child. The truth of the matter is, AA can be as religious as you want it to be, or can be void of any religion, it is totally and completely up to you. I am not making this up.  The core principals of AA are simply the 12 steps. Those 12 steps are pretty straight forward and it is totally up to you on how you implement them into your life.

When I first entered the program that was my fear as well, but as I dove into the program I quickly learned that it isn’t about religion, God and Jesus, it is simply about believing in something. That something can be anything, the moon, the sun, your mother, a rock, you name it, you just need to believe in something that is greater and more powerful than yourself, that’s all. End of story.

Here is where people will say I”m wrong. For example, I had one person tell me, “I went to a meeting and everyone was talking about Jesus and God, it made me uncomfortable so I left.”  That is totally understandable, I have walked out of a few meetings myself because the conversation got a little to preachy for me, and that’s fine.

Meetings are where the human element comes in.  You see, there are many other people in the world besides you (a hard concept for an alcoholic to understand) who do believe in God and Jesus. So when they start attending AA meetings and are told they need to seek out a power higher than themselves they understandably turn to what is comfortable for them. It is only natural for them to speak about God, Jesus and religion when they talk about “their” recovery, not yours, “their recovery”. You and I can talk about the moon, the sun and the stars if that is what is working for us and they have to listen to us talk about the sun, the moon and the stars. It’s a two way street.

Meetings are not a place of indoctrination, so relax. They are simply a place of love and support if you choose to accept it. A place where you can pick up a tip or two that may help you on your journey. Early on in my sobriety, I considered the group (meeting) a part of my Higher Power. For the first 6 months of my sobriety, every single time that I had an issue that was bothering me, I would attend a meeting. Inevitably, someone, in each one of those meeting would say something that was the answer to my problem or would lead me to the answer to solve my  problem.  It was freakishly amazing.

If you decide to go to a meeting and that meeting feels to preachy for you, then find another meeting to try out. Don’t let one meeting that doesn’t meet your expectations be a deal killer. Depending upon your area there are lots and lots of meetings to choose from. Shop around for meetings until you find one that you feel comfortable in attending. When the time is right, you will find the meeting that is right for you.

Bottom line… Just do it, it’s only an hour or hour an a half and it could keep your ass out of  jail and out of the morgue.

This past weekend I attended a three day alcoholics anonymous retreat. I had been looking forward to this retreat for the past several months. But what happened to me took me by total surprise and was the last thing I ever expected to happen.

On the way up I was practically giddy with excitement.  I knew it was going to be a positive experience and I couldn’t wait to arrive. But as we pulled into the complex I was suddenly and completely overwhelmed with fear. I just wanted to turn right around and go home. My ego popped it’s ugly head up and said, “Hold on here brother, for the next three days you are no longer in control, your going to have to go along with this program and I don’t think I’m going to like it. No one is going to talk to you anyway and everyone will ignore you!”

My ego came on strong and he pulled the old fear card out on me. I started making every excuse I could think of. What if someone got into an accident and needed me? I’m going to fall behind in my work! Someone will break into my apartment. My cat will be very lonely! Yes, I really did think that, over an over.

I stayed quiet and withdrawn that first day purposely avoiding activities and possible invitations. I went to bed early and stayed in bed the next morning until I was sure everyone was gone. As soon as the coast was clear I bolted. I drove out into the woods and went on a long hike. I spent that whole day trying to analyze what my problem was. Why was I so overcome by fear? Why was I so lonely? How did my ego get such a strong foot hold?

That evening we had a meeting. The topic of the meeting wasn’t about fear but the topic quickly turned towards fear. Person after person started sharing how fear effects their lives. As each person shared their fears and how they handle it, it felt like they were talking directly to me.  I then realized that it was happening yet again, my higher power was again talking to me through the group.

Talk to someone, that’s what they were saying over and over again. As soon as the meeting was over I went over to three people that I was comfortable with and asked them if I could talk with them for a few minutes.  I laid out how I was feeling and didn’t understand why? Our discussion lasted all of “three minutes”. Within “three minutes” I had the answers to why I was feeling the way that I did and that it was perfectly o.k

By the time the “three minute” discussion was over, I was back to my old positive self. I couldn’t believe that I let my ego take away 24 hours from me.  So I have set up this simple guideline for myself for the future:

Guideline - If I can not come up with a solution to a problem that is keeping me from proceeding down my spiritual past I will:

1. Meditate On the problem
2. If I can not resolve my problem within 2 hours, I will call a friend or two and ask for help to resolve the problem.

When I first started learning about spriituality, the discussions I would have with people always focused around “Having a Spiritual Awakening”. They would tell me that it is the most wonderful experiance a person could have and how it would change there lives.

As you read along in this blog you’ll come to learn that I do not always get things right away. As well as having the typical male defect of not asking for directions. So when people used the word “awakening” I interpreted that word along the same line as “when you wake up in the morning”. So, needles to say, as I started on my spiritual path i was expecting to have this huge burning bush magic moment.

To date, that huge burning bush moment has not come, although I’m still expecting one. I meditate every day, with the anticipation that today will be the day! Some days, when I meditate, I honestly feel that I am on the verge of having that kapow moment,but it just doesn’t materialize.

What I have come to learn is that a spiritual awakening is not neccassarily a kapow moment, although for some people it is. For myself my spiritual awakening has been an ongoing process. I liken it to walking up a flight of stairs. With each step my mind gets a little clearer, my soul feels a little warmer and I am that much closer to my higher power.

When I meditate and contemplate, I have many ephiphanys about life such as, how to interact with people better, how to eat better, how to give more of myself to society.  Each one of these little ephipanys are spiritual awakenings, especially when I act on them.

If your on a new spiritual path and your not having that kapow moment, just look back to that last day before you started your spiritual journey. Have you changed? Are you feeling different, better? Are you liking yourself just a little bit more than back then?

If you answered yes, then you are having your spiritual awakening, your right in the middle of it, you are just taking it one step at a time.

Enjoy your journey.

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Working on your 4th Step can be a very daunting task. When my sponsor told me that the time had come to put pencil to paper and start working on the 4th step, the first thing that came to my mind was, “I need a template!, Let the Google searches begin!” Yes I’m a geek.

I found some great templates out there, but for me, they didn’t have exactly what I was looking for. None of them gave me enough room to write. I had a lot of resentments and I had a lot to say about them.

So I created my own 4th Step Worksheet for resentments. I designed it so I had more room to write (it’s still not enough) and present my thoughts in a clear manor.

I have made it available for you to download. If you find it useful or have some ideas for improvement I would love to hear about them. If you enjoy it,
please share it, give it a tweet or leave a comment. Thanks!

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Then one day I was sitting in an AA meeting and someone started talking about future tripping and how it was a bad thing. Others then began to chime in on the negative reprocutions of future tripping. As I sat there listening I thought “Yikes! I’m always future tripping and imagining myself doing wonderful positive things, I have to stop doing that too??. The humility alone was bad enough, now you want to take this away from me!!”

I’m a guy, and no, I do not ask for directions. So I haven’t said a word or asked anyone, not even my sponsors, (I have three, the more the merrier) to clarify future tripping. I know your thinking I’m an idiot. You ask, “Why did I do that?” The answer is simple, FEAR! Because I was “fearful” that they would say, “Yes Andy, you have to stop imagining yourself doing wonderful and positive things”. Pretty absurd, huh?

For whatever reason, I had no intention of doing this, in mid conversation with one of my sponsors I blurted out, “What the hell is future tripping? Do I have to stop thinking good, thoughts about myself in the future?”

Well as the rest of you know, the answer was “No”. My sponsor explained to me that future tripping is “Negative” thinking about the future. Thinking such thoughts as, “My son is going to get into a horrible car wreck” or “I will never have enough money for retirement”, thoughts that are just plain negative and counter productive to your recovery.

I wish I would have asked that question along time ago, it would have saved my a lot of angst. In addition, I’ve found that now that I understand what future tripping is, I can easily and quickly identify it and shut it down. It is actually kind of amazing because all my life, prior to sobriety, i was a huge future tripper and it would always get the best of me, leading me to drink. Now when I start to future trip, I simply say to myself, “Your future tripping, stop it!” Then I would open imagine the flood gates of gratitude open up, letting in all the positive thoughts of everything I’m grateful for. These positive thoughts quickly push out the negative thoughts and before I know it, I’m centered again. That may sound a little corny in a way, but it works for me.

I would love to hear, as I’m sure other would as well, how you deal with future tripping.

Please feel free to share.

I’m sitting on the deck of my four hundred square foot apartment watching the sunset. I can not believe how lucky I am,

Sunset From My Deck

how much my life has changed in the last ten months. It’s been almost a year since I moved here. I was still drinking when arrived. I still remember the day I said enough was enough. I got on the internet, did a quick google search for AA meetings and I was off and running. Well, off and running the next day, I still had a twelve pack in the refrigerator I needed to kill. I couldn’t pour it down the drain, that would have been a waste of money.

Now I’m sitting here, ten months later typing away on the old Sony Vaio that I managed to resurect, watching the sunset in the west without a care in the world. I always feel this way after I finish my walking meditation. I have always been a walker, so when I started meditating walking meditation was a perfect fit for me.

Walking meditation, simply put is just walking while you focus in on the present. You focus on the simple act of walking, one step at a time, one breath at a time. As you walk you clear your mind of all your thoughts and focus on the beauty of the world around you, weather it be trees, people or an urban landscapes.

When I walk I always listen to Tibetan Meditation music, this helps drown out the sound of the automobiles. When I’m walking in nature, away from the city sounds, I just listen to the sounds of nature, and that occasional mountain lion, I don’t want to be someones dinner. As I walk I just let my mind relish in the beauty of the world around us. With each step I feel the positive energy coming from the earth below me and the sun above me as my higher power bathes me in the light of the spirit. It is truly a wonderful experience.

Please share your experiance with walking meditaion. We can all learn from each other.

For those of you who are new to meditation I’m going to share with you how I practice my art of meditation. I am by no means an expert, in fact I consider myself a novice but I consider meditation so important to my sobriety that I want to share my thoughts and practice with you. Take from it what you will and hopefully others will share how they meditate as well.

Location, Location Location

I need a spot away from any distractions. Turn the cell phone off, no TV, no radio, no cats crying for food, no one to bother you. Solitude is the name of the game here.

Tools

You do not need anything to meditate. Just sit your ass down and do it. Which I have done numerous times, but over the months I have developed this meditation ritual and have acquired a few tools (here I am trying to be a minimalist as well, one thing at a time I guess =)) These tools are nothing more than comfort tools but I have found that they make my journey more pleasurable.

Candles.

Candles are a must for me. I use the candle flame to help me focus. Right Know I’m using Reiki Energy Candles for the positive affirmations aspect, but that’s a whole other post.

Sage

I burn sage every time I meditate to ward off and remove any negative energy that may be in or around me.

Pillow

A Pillow for you butt. Now this is a questionable one. When I first started, my butt would start to hurt after about twenty minutes, and it would hurt pretty bad so I
would have to stop. I really wanted a pillow back then but my budget wouldn’t allow it. Now eight months later, I can sit for a couple of hours and no pain. It’s a judgement call, I vote for toughing it out and saving yourself a few dollars but that will be between you and your butt.

Body Position
Now that I have my tools in place I will always sit on the floor in the traditional cross legged pose keeping my spine as straight as I while letting my hands rest on my lower thighs with palms facing up. Those of you who have difficulty sitting on the floor it is quite all right to use a chair or sit up in bed. I would recommend not laying in bed or on the floor, meditation can be very relaxing and you can easily fall asleep.

Breathe

I then begin the process of clearing my mind. In Thich Nhat Hanh book, The Miracle of Mindfulness he suggests focusing on your breathing. As you inhale, you think “I’m breathing in a deep breath I am, I’m breathing in a deep breath.” Then as you exhale you think to yourself, “I’m exhaling a deep breath I am, I”m exhaling a deep breath”. With my eyes closed I do this between seven to ten times or until I feel my body relax, usually that’s when my knee stops hurting, and feel that I have some control over my thoughts. I then begin to clear all my thoughts out one by one. Slowly looking at each that, analyzing it then I gently push it out. I repeat the process until all my thoughts are gone.

Here Comes Nirvana

I know my thoughts are gone when I find myself floating in a mountain top lake, somewhere in Asia, with a waterfall. It’s just me and my higher power, who I can see plain as day, and occasionally the real Jarah Mariano. As I float under the waterfall I can feel my fear, self pity and a collection of other character defects wash away from me. It is so surreal and the sensations that my body experiances are unblievable. One way to discribe it would be, it’s like a mini acid trip. It is just so euphoric, it blows me away everytime. If this is Nirvana, I am so on board!!

Shutting Up the Committee

Now don’t get me wrong, it’s not always a surreal and euphoric experience, there have been many times where I just can’t shut that committee in my head up. In the beginning you may have a hard time clearing your thoughts. Our brains are bombarded 24/7 by information, it is not accustomed to being quiet so it may take a few rounds before you can achieve a few minutes of bliss. Don’t be discouraged, be persistant, it will happen for you.

I invite you to share your meditation ritual with us.

Fear is probably the biggest enemy of most alcoholics. I know it is for me. To make matters worse, I also have to deal with Mr. Ego who just loves to hide fear from me. My ego disguises fear so I don’t see it coming until it’s too late. Until the damage is done.

Today is a fine example of that, I didn’t sleep very well last night. I went to bed around 11pm. My sleep was fitful at best and I was up and ready to go at 3:30 am. (That sounds bad, but just so you know, I’m one of those early risers. I”m up at 4:30 every morning. Early Bird Gets The Worm and all that stuff) So I get up, make my coffee and fire up the computer to check my email and put together my GTD list for the day. OK, here is mistake number one, I only slept about four and a half hours and I was very restless. Did I sit down, break out the paper and pen and try to figure out where I am emotionally? why I didn’t sleep well? Of course not, my ego down played the whole thing and I just continued on with my usual routine like nothing was wrong.

I started working on my tasks, and I’m sure you know how they went? Exactly, I didn’t complete a single one and the work that I did do was half assed. I couldn’t concentrate all day and my frustration level continued to rise throughout the day. I pushed through the day because I had my perk waiting for me at the end of the day, my walking meditation. Thank Jarah Mariano for walking meditation. (Oh! for those of you who don’t know, I have chosen Jarah Mariano as my Higher Power. I explained it in the About page.) Every other day I do a three mile walk that is just pure bliss for me, it’s my new carrot. I can get in touch with my Higher Power and get exercise at the same time. The best of both worlds!!

It was during my walking meditation when I was finally able to clear my mind and see what was going on. I was afraid. Fearful of being alone again. There is this lady in my life that I finally had to cut all the strings too. We had actually broken up prior to my sobriety in late 2010, but she was opening a new business and I wanted to help her where I could. Her business is now established and it’s very clear she has strong feelings for me. With out going into too much detail, she and I are just too different, we are just not compatible for a long term relationship. So after getting advice from some close friends I cut the last cord yesterday. It wasn’t much of a scene and I have to say that it felt liberating; but deep down I’m terrified of being alone. I know it’s not over yet, there will be one or two more phone calls and an email or two but as long as I hold my ground, I will prevail.

So all this went on the day before and I couldn’t put two and two together? How dense can I be? Seriously, the break up never crossed my mind. That’s your ego for you. Cunning, Baffling and Strong.

So what did I learn this time:

1. Listen to your body.
2. Ask the questions of yourself. Why didn’t I sleep well last night? Is there something on my mind.
3. If you can’t see it, but are aware of the problem, meditate for awhile, clear your head. It will come to you.
4. Once you have discovered the issue ask your higher power for a little assistance in dealing with the matter at hand.
5. Turn it over to your Higher Power and let her deal with it, “her will be done, not mine”

Where did I go wrong this time:

1. Trying to get back in the drivers seat and running the show once again..