Topical Humour

News in Brief

2012-02-01T12:46:00.000Z

A firm of private investigators in Australia has been inundated with applications after advertising for a £50,000-a-year 'brothel inspector'. A company spokesman says competition for the job will be extremely stiff.

A Russian ballet star amazed fans when she stripped off after a show and rolled naked in the snow outside to cool off, if her male colleagues most of the male fans said it sent their nuts crackers.

Sainsbury's has caved to a campaign, triggered by a 3-year-old girl, to change the name of its Tiger bread to Giraffe bread. They obviously didn't like getting it in the neck from customers

News in Brief

2012-01-31T19:58:00.000Z

An incredible video of a rabbit rounding up a flock of sheep on a Swedish farm has gone viral on YouTube, The rabbit made the sheep hop to it.

A US student got a surprise when she opened a textbook she'd ordered from Amazon - and a bag of cocaine fell out, the bloke who posted the book must now be feeling like a real Charlie.

Rapper Tinie Tempah has been named this year's best-dressed man by GQ Magazine, does that mean he is now a dapper rapper.

Demi Lovato has revealed that she is not confident enough to appear on TV again, following her stint in rehab last year, I'm sure a few drinks or some drugs would help her over come the fear.

Simon Cowell is giving his talent hunt show 'Britain's Got Talent' a touch of reality TV as secret spy cameras will watch the wannabes backstage to catch them bitching, bickering and flirting, Cowell clearly knows that where there is muck there is brass.

Danny DeVito is set to make his West End debut in a play about a pair of veteran comedians who reunite for one last performance, I wonder if he gets a perm he will look a bit like Bobby Ball.

News in Brief

2012-01-30T18:42:00.005Z

Pilots with Cockney accents are the least reassuring for air travellers, according to new research among fliers,

would you Adam and Eve it.

New research suggests that women are better than men when it comes to parking, that's because most of them now know how big 6 inches actually is.

Cher laughed off rumours of her death and assured fans that she is very much alive and kicking. Does that mean that the Sunny and Cher re-union concert will now have to be cancelled?

When people are asked to provide their own weight in research surveys, they underestimate their weight and overestimate their height, a new study has claimed. According to the research most people claim to be 6 foot 6 tall and weigh 8 stones.

News in Brief

2012-01-29T11:26:00.001Z

Tens of thousands of British patients with metal hip replacements could be at risk of being poisoned by them, it is feared, people affected by the problem are considering suing but lawyers have warned that they may not have a leg to stand on.

Under pressure to marry, some Chinese men have resorted to hiring a woman to please their parents-at least temporarily-during their homecoming for the Lunar New Year, after the holiday they go back to Wang King.

Prince Andrew is representing the UK at Davos despite no longer being an official trade envoy, I didn't realise that Davos had any decent golf courses.

A pub landlord and landlady have been suspended and threatened with the sack by a brewery for serving pints “too full” of beer. The landlord his contesting his suspension but he has been warned that it could become a very Bitter dispute.

News in Brief

2012-01-28T21:00:00.000Z

CCTV cameras captured a burglar conducting a Spiderman-style break-in at a supermarket by cutting a hole in the roof and abseiling down a rope into the store, where £10,000 of cigarettes and alcohol were then stolen. When the shop manager saw the damage he went through the roof.

Two holidays a year, meaningful conversation twice a week and cuddles 11 times in a fortnight are among the secrets to a happy marriage a study has revealed, if happy marriages are so dependent on meaningful conversation it probably explains why so many marriages now end in divorce.

A jilted boyfriend has covered the seaside town of Weston-Super-Mare with graffiti messages in a bid to win back his girlfriend, can't he see that the writing is on the wall for the relationship.

Simon Cowell's brother Nicholas has blamed the TV magnate for making people in Britain want instant fame and fortune, it's nice to see that at least one member of the Cowell family seems capable of telling the truth.

Single people in Britain spend more than 3 billion pounds a year in their search for a partner, a new study has found, I didn't realise that Rohipnal was that expensive.

News in Brief

2012-01-27T13:58:00.002Z

A Manchester supermarket security guard has moved to Africa to live in the jungle as a real-life Tarzan, at the moment he is still learning the ropes.

A blob of dried glue bearing a vague resemblance to Homer Simpson has attracted astonishing bids of almost £150,000, keen bidders have been stuck on the net for days trying to buy it.

A dole office in Dublin has banned claimants from wearing pyjamas when they sign on, anyone who turns up in nightwear will have to sing for their supper.

A Hertfordshire sex shop has installed a secluded side entrance to save punters being subjected to loud cheers from a nearby pub. I thought most punters would rather enter from the rear.

Michael Jackson's daughter Paris has revealed that she is a big fan of Justin Bieber she clearly share her late fathers love of young boys.

News in Brief

2012-01-26T14:06:00.001Z

Daniel Radcliffe has revealed that he won't be getting married to girlfriend Rosie Coker anytime soon, does this mean she will have to wait awhile to get her hands on his wand.

Hollywood actress Jada Pinkett-Smith is joining forces with Simon Cowell, in his hunt for the world's greatest DJs. How insensitive Jimmy Saville has only been dead two minutes and they are already looking for a replacement.

Courtney Cox has finally decided to join the curious world of social networking and has opened her very own Twitter account, with all her experience with Friends she would better going on Facebook.

Justin Bieber has used his Twitter account to help a young Canadian fan who needs an organ donor, he really needs to be more careful about tweeting about organs, he could easily get into trouble.

News in Brief

2012-01-25T14:22:00.001Z

A mum-of-four banned from every nightclub in her home city for her skimpy outfits has been photographed posing as a superhero, I didn't realise there was a superhero called 'tart woman.'

Thousands of Star Wars fans have joined forces to create a low-budget version of George Lucas's classic film, they hope to release it on Star Wars day, May the 4th.

Millions of people in Britain do not talk about the state of their finances with their families, and in fact, the only topic more taboo than money is sex, according to a new study, no wonder so many Brits are screwed financially.

The Advertising Standards Authority (ASA) has ruled that a promo featuring Lady Gaga clad in suspenders and a body harness while rubbing her bare stomach is not "overtly sexual". Does this mean that none of the men assessing it got a stiffy?

News in Brief

2012-01-24T17:42:00.001Z

At least 85 dolphins have unexpectedly beached themselves in a shallow inlet of a US nature reserve at Cape Cod, so dolphins may not as clever after all.

Thorpe Park, the theme park, has ordered improvements to its new rollercoaster, The Swarm, after dummies lost limbs during test rides, if the rollercoaster isn't modified it could cost the park an arm and a leg in compensation claims.

A new website, neverlikeditanyway.com, has been set up to dispose of unwanted gifts from relationships that have gone sour, I bet Jordan will make a fortune on that site.

A Twitter campaign by McDonald's, aimed at highlighting good news relating to the fast food chain, completely backfired when people used the hashtag 'McDStories', to highlight their horror stories. Somebody in their media department will soon be looking for a new MacJob.

Boris Johnson crashed into an 8 year old boy whilst skiing in Italy he must have been on the piste again.

News in Brief

2012-01-23T13:12:00.000Z

A 43-year-old PE teacher arrested after having sex with a 13-year-old Austrian schoolboy is now pregnant by him, he is obviously taking his biology homework very seriously.

A Chicago man accidentally shot a nail into the middle of his brain but didn't even realise he had done it until the next day, it must have hit him him like a bolt from the blue.

Katie Price surprised her twitter followers when she came up with bizarre rants about the global economy and politics to try and promote Snickers. All her followers thought she must have gone nuts.

Heidi Klum and British singer Seal have confirmed the end of their seven-year marriage, describing the separation as amicable, that will be very upsetting for the lawyers.

Keira Knightley has revealed that she and her co-star Michael Fassbender downed vodka shots before shooting intimate spanking scenes for their latest film 'A Dangerous Method'. Does that mean she got caned twice in the same night?

News in Brief

2012-01-22T14:13:00.003Z

Simon Cowell has put to rest rumours of a split with fiancee Mezhgan Hussainy after he was spotted enjoying a Caribbean holiday with a group of women, she still retains the title of beard number one.

A teenager, who was once a boy before she became the youngest person in Britain to have a full sex change two years ago, is hoping to be crowned Miss England, if she really wants to win the title she needs to be careful not to appear too cocky.

The woman, who revealed last week that she has two vaginas, is said to have been offered a million dollars to travel to LA to make an adult film, but she says that she will turn down any such offer. Apparently the idea of doing a porn film gave her the willies.

Kate Winslet has revealed that she left the set of her new movie Carnage "smelling of sick" every night as she had to projectile vomit over and over again for one key scene. Well at east she didn't put on any weight while she was making the film.

News in Brief

2012-01-21T20:42:00.000Z

A Swedish church is attracting a younger congregation - by staging services featuring techno music instead of wine and wafers the vicar gives out pringles and alcohol pops.

Birdwatchers who hoped they had found a new species of hawk were shot down - when a farmer turned out to have been painting them pink for fun. I'm sure the twitchers weren't tickled pink when they found out.

A Czech bar has replaced waiters and waitresses - with a model railway, after a few drinks many of the regulars soon end up off of the rails.

Magician Paul Daniels accidently chopped his finger off with a saw, I better he didn't like it a lot.

News in Brief

2012-01-20T13:58:00.001Z

The traditional New York accent – where residents pronounce coffee "cawfee" among other things – could be on the wane, it has been claimed. I thought most people New York just order Latte or is that lartay?

Thousands of people jumped in frigid waters all across Russia to mark the celebration of the Russian Orthodox Epiphany. Presumably most of them consumed plenty of vodka before taking the plunge.

A urinating mannequin has been banned from a shop window after police received complaints, members of the public thought the display was taking the piss.

A woman claims that she can foretell the future by throwing spears of asparagus up in the air and then seeing how they land. I tried it myself but it didn't work, may be I should have taken them out of the tin before throwing them in the air.

News in Brief

2012-01-19T18:06:00.001Z

Sega have unveiled the Toylet, a games console powered by the user's urine, for use in Japanese bars, most of the games look piss easy.

A new app gives people the chance to compose their last Facebook update - to be posted after their death. That app will take a lot of topping.

A contestant on TV's Countdown pulled off a surprise win - by coming up with the word "w***er", it's probably the first time the word has been uttered on the show since Richard Whiteley died.

Confronting your soon-to-be-ex face-to-face could be a thing of the past, as a professional dumper from UK will now do the job on your behalf. If you can't afford to employ a dumper you could just send a text instead.

Michael Jackson's doctor Conrad Murray will not be required to pay compensation to members of King of Pop's family or his estate. A big financial settlement on top of a jail sentence would have been a real choker.

News in Brief

2012-01-18T15:49:00.000Z

Indonesia is using grapefruit-sized concrete balls to stop commuters from illegally riding on the roofs of trains, the balls could cause a real headache for the daring fare dodgers.

Wikipedia, the online encyclopedia, has voluntarily suspended its website for 24 hours in protests at new anti-piracy laws. The move upset millions of school children who had spend extra time do their homework properly rather than just copying and pasting.

Doctors have threatened their first industrial action for more than 30 years after refusing to accept cuts to their pension pots, they better not be making their own hand written placards or else no-one will know what the strikes about.

A teenage girl, Sian Spence, is taking the first ever GCSE to include indoor skydiving, after an exam board agreed to assess her extreme hobby as part of PE course. Her feet haven't touched the ground since she was given the good news.

News in Brief

2012-01-17T16:15:00.001Z

Kim Kardashian has revealed that she found Ricky Gervais' jokes about her 72-day marriage to Kris Humphries at the Golden Globes "hilarious". That must be a first an American with a sense of humour.

Matt Leblanc has denied rumours of a Friends movie, insisting that he'd rather fans remember the beloved TV characters, as they were when the sitcom ended. How could anyone ever forget Friends given how often it is repeated?

Yoga practiced in a heated environment, is gaining a lot of popularity, especially with men watching women getting very sweaty in lycra leotards.

Nearly half of young people in Britain do not feel grown up until they reach the age of 25, according to a new survey, that when most of them finally get thrown out of home by their parents.

News in Brief

2012-01-16T19:44:00.001Z

A medical breakthrough by British scientists to grow “off the shelf” veins and arteries could potentially revolutionise treatment for range of conditions, if the project fails the company could go down the tubes.

The Royal Navy's multi-billion pound fighter plane programme is under threat amid claims that its new all-purpose jets cannot land on aircraft carriers, it has emerged., the £5bn spent so far on the project could prove to be just a drop in the ocean.

Paris's prestigious Musee D'Orsay is threatening to sue a lingerie company after three models paraded around the museum in bras and knickers. Museum bosses claim the models made an exhibition of themselves.

A Chinese motorist ended up in trouble when he tried to take a short cut - down a pedestrian flight of stairs , police say the driver must pay £1000 fine or further steps will be taken.

A New Zealand woman is auctioning off space on her backside to be tattooed in a bizarre money-making scheme which could make her £5000. Sounds like it could be a bit of a bum deal.

Rod Stewart's wife has revealed that he loves her to wear short skirts as he "always has been" fixated with women's legs, while Rod might have a bit of a roving eye his wife says she only has thighs for him.

News in Brief

2012-01-15T22:32:00.003Z

A substantial gender gap exists between men and women, when it comes to political ambition, with women lacking interest in running for office, a new study has revealed. Most women prefer walking briskly to running.

A lawyer just 3ft 8in tall is suing a witness who spent his time in the dock laughing at her height, she clearly not Happy.

Jonathan Aitken has revealed Mrs Thatcher was unaware of the current British Prime Minister when his name was mentioned at a dinner party, I'm sure most other Brits wished they never heard of David Cameron.

An inmate in an American prison has been caught hiding a ten-inch revolver in rectum his rectum, officers say he was fingered by another prisoner.

News in Brief

2012-01-14T14:38:00.002Z

Thousands of visitors have flocked to a Shakespeare theme park in Japan, Sounds like 'Much ado about nothing'

Thousands of grey squirrels have been sold to restaurants, butchers and are on sale at farmer’s markets after being legally trapped and shot in woodland and rural areas, I wonder if it is OK for people with nut allergies to eat squirrel meat?

A stalker flew from U.S. and broke into Kate Bush's home to propose... armed with a £3,000 ring from Tiffany's. When asked how she felt about the proposal the singer said 'Wow, wow, wow, unbelievable'

News in Brief

2012-01-13T19:51:00.000Z

The planned slaughter of thousands of badgers this year will be “difficult to police”, the Prime Minister has warned. He says the law on culls needs to be more black and white.

A dwarf actor has accused Mike Tindall of inspiring a thug to toss him on to the ground outside a pub, leaving him partly paralysed. Now that he can't work he says he is a little short.

Madonna has revealed that she has 'no authority' over the way her teenage daughter, Lourdes, dresses she could always try cutting off her clothing alliance.

A woman's online auction for the chance to tattoo her bottom has caught everyone's attention lots of drunk people click on her site when they are arseholed.

A woman who has two vaginas claims she is very relaxed about her quirky condition, I bet she would be even happier if her husband was like a dog with two dicks.

News in Brief

2012-01-12T20:40:00.001Z

Lady Gaga has revealed that she experiences a lot of pain, every time she sports a new hairdo, as her scalp 'burns' whenever she bleaches her hair. Why doesn't she just start wearing wigs and stop whinging.

The website of a drag queen called Mrs T crashed after people searching for information about Margaret Thatcher clicked on it by mistake. Sounds like it was all a bit of a cock up.

Former Manchester United striker Eric Cantona has admitted his plan to run for French president was actually a publicity stunt designed to get better housing for the poor, his admission must have come as a real kick in the teeth for all his potential backers.

A mouse that was taped to a firework rocket during Dutch New Year festivities and later died of its burn injuries is to be exhibited in a museum. Police believe the person responsible for the prank must have been rat arsed.

A new drug that could provide new treatment for a range of obesity related disorders without a need to hit the gym has been developed by scientists, if it proves successful it will make a fat profit for the manufacturers.

News in Brief

2012-01-11T21:58:00.000Z

Joan Collins and Stephanie Beacham will reprise their arch enemy act from 'Dynasty', in the new Snickers advert, given how much money they were being offered they would have been nuts to have turned it down.

A baby chimpanzee has been adopted by a motherly mastiff in Russia, while the dog is pissing on the tree the monkey will be climbing it.

A new study has exposed the dirty truth about men's underwear habits, revealing that one in five men do not even bother to change their underwear every day. It probably explains why there are so many single men in the world.

An eccentric animal-lover has infuriated her neighbours by moving a pony into her semi-detached home, the neighbours have now gone trotting off to the council to complain.

A killjoy mayor who sparked outrage after he refused to judge a Halloween pumpkin carving competition because it "glorifies Satan's angels" has been found guilty of breaching rules on equality, I bet he will now claim he's the victim of a witch hunt.

A suspected drunk driver escaped arrest in California by diving into the sea and swimming off, only for his friend who he left in the car to give police officers his name and contact details, it now looks like he will soon be waving good bye to his license.

News in Brief

2012-01-10T13:28:00.001Z

Thousands of people around the world braved the morning rush hour without their trousers for the annual No Pants Day, if any of the trains had crashed there would have been no shortage of skid marks.

A Brazilian councillor has proposed a law to force superstitious brides to wear knickers at the altar. He wants to prevent any possible cock ups in the aisle.

Antony Worrall Thompson, the celebrity chef, has insisted he is not a kleptomaniac but says he has no idea why he shoplifted groceries from a branch of Tesco on five occasions. I'm looking forward to watching his forthcoming series on improving the quality of prison food.

Israeli MP Anastassia Michaeli has thrown a glass of water over her counterpart Raleb Majadele during a heated debate in parliament. Looks like there are as many drips in the kineset as there are at Westminster.

News in Brief

2012-01-09T19:27:00.000Z

A young woman who has won £1.3m on the Lottery has pledged to keep working two jobs despite her new found fortune, she must have one hell of a student loan to pay off.

An Australian tourist had a miraculous escape when her bungee cord snapped during a jump in Zimbabwe, she survived the accident but felt a bit ropey afterwards.

News in Brief

2012-01-08T13:39:00.001Z

The BBC's John Simpson claims he has been left "70 per cent deaf" following an explosion in Iraq, he is now worried that there might be a whispering campaign aimed at getting rid of him.

Cheryl Cole has teamed up with cosmetics giant L'Oreal to create a limited edition of her first ever lipstick, from the Color Riche range called 'Red Passion', to raise money for her charity, apparently it is good for covering up thick lips if someone punches you in the mouth.

Boots has been criticised by parents for selling sex toys in its shops, within full view of children, it's clearly touching a nerve with prudish customers.