Topical Humour

News in Brief

2012-02-12T16:42:00.001Z

A package tour company has offered unhappy couples the chance to divorce in just ten minutes during their Caribbean break, if your wife refuses to go Jamaica?

A club is holding a Crufts-style contest for rats the winning owners will get a years supply of beer so he can get rat arsed.

The 215th birth anniversary of Schubert will be marked by BBC's station in March with 200 hours of continuous broadcasting devoted to the composer, I hope the public have an appetite for all that music because it would terrible if his popularity suffered a Schubert Dip.

Woman would be more pleased to receive electronics rather than traditional gifts, like roses and chocolates, on Valentine's Day, according to a new study I wonder if a vibrator counts as an electronic device?

News in Brief

2012-02-11T16:11:00.001Z

A drug-fueled nut has been jailed after storming into pub wielding a chainsaw, witness claim he was off his tree.

Hundreds of firefighters hosed down riot police and the prime minister's office in Brussels in a protest over retirement plans, they hope that they can get the prime minister to water his proposals down.

A representative for The Rolling Stones has shot down reports the rockers are set to headline a big gig to celebrate the end of the London Olympics this summer, that's probably just as well because we don't want the rest of the world thinking that we force old people to keep on working in their late 60s.

Jamie Oliver's next project is to get children growing fruit and veg at school, when I was at school lots of kids had green fingers, especially after picking their noses.

A rare bottle of 1955 Glenfiddich single malt whisky has sold at auction for £44,000, I bet the bloke who bought it had a lot of explaining to do when he got home.

News in Brief

2012-02-10T13:57:00.003Z

The last chocolate tastes the best because knowing something is set to end makes people enjoy it more, a study has found, in our house the last chocolate doesn't taste the best because it usually has a ginger filling.

Fines of up to $1,000 are to be imposed for throwing American footballs or Frisbees on Los Angeles beaches in an attempt to protect sunbathers from flying objects, the fines may be a pain in the neck for offenders but should stop other beach users getting a pain in the neck.

Chinese scientists are investigating a bizarre case in which a cockerel apparently started laying eggs after all the hens were eaten, the farmer is worried that if the cockeral really did lay the egg someone might try and poach it.

Robert Dewey Hoskins, 54, who threatened to slit Madonna's throat, is believed to have walked away from a mental hospital unnoticed, police have warned the singer to wear a very thick scarf.

News in Brief

2012-02-09T17:36:00.001Z

A pensioner who claimed £30,000 in mobility benefits because he was "too sick to feed himself", was filmed playing an 18 hole round of golf, when questioned by investigators he refused to answer and adopted a bunker mentality.

Council workers have removed the civic flowerbed after it was grown in the shape of a swastika. They were worried it was starting to head towards the Polish boarders.

The Beach Boys' are set to perform live together for the first time in more than two decades at the 54th Grammy Awards ceremony, if they don't do enough rehearsing they may be left all at sea.

On Wednesday afternoon in Los Angeles, 100 fans of the longest-running animated comedy show, 'The Simpsons' will watch all 500 episodes of the series in a row, in the hopes of breaking the Guinness World Record for consecutive hours of a TV show watched.They also plan to raise plenty of doh for charity.

News in Brief

2012-02-08T13:57:00.003Z

A £350 piglet, believed to be a micro pig, has surprised its owner by growing into a full-sized 17st animal, the bloke who sold it must have been telling porkies.

Shipping noise causes chronic stress to whales, a landmark study has concluded, at least they can go for a relaxing swim when they get too stressed.

A Chinese zoo is to mark Valentine's Day with a 'cross species wedding' between a sheep and a deer, I wonder if the deer is planning a stage do?

Identical twins Sienna and Sierra Bernal really are unique - as one is less than half the size of her sister. I guess one does better than the other when it comes to hand me down.

Harry Rednapp has been found not guilty of tax evasion, he is now planning to learn how to read and write so he can be publish his memoirs.

News in Brief

2012-02-07T13:22:00.000Z

A cat managed to find its way onto the pitch during the premier league match between Liverpool and Tottenham at Anfield, it must have felt at home with the other 22 pussies on the pitch.

Animal rights group are appealing film fans to boycott Liam Neeson's latest movie 'The Grey' after the actor confessed to eating wolf stew to get into the character. I bet he wolfed it down.

Lady Gaga is all set to launch an exclusive social networking website for her fans, if it's anything like Lady Gaga it won't be pretty site in the morning.

Daniel Radcliffe has said that the 'Harry Potter' films have been overlooked for Oscars due to the snobbish attitude of Hollywood, probably more likely that people on the Oscar panel struggle to sit through a film that is more than 90 minutes long.

News in Brief

2012-02-06T19:34:00.000Z

Office "team-building'" exercises only succeed in leaving staff feeling more awkward about dealing with their colleagues, according to a survey. They are still a good excuse for a day out and a few drinks though.

Officers spent hours chasing an elusive runaway goat through Melbourne suburbs it was all worth it in the end though when they were able to sit down to a nice curry.

Mr Men characters who were hired to switch on a town's Christmas lights were unable to reach the power switch due to their stiff costumes, forcing councillors to do it themselves. The official who organised the event is now looking like Mr.Stupid.

Miss Piggy, the glamorous star of The Muppets, is to be the official red carpet host at the Bafta Film Awards this year she is hoping to have her regular co-star with her but he is refusing to kermit at the moment.

News in Brief

2012-02-05T20:34:00.001Z

A spoof video of an interview with a woman suffering from "Lazy Cow" syndrome, claiming thousands in benefits and needing heroin and cocaine treatment has become an internet hit. It's proved particularly popular with hard working office workers who have got nothing better to do with their time than surf the web for entertainment.

A video of an 18-month old baby playing table-tennis with his father has become an online hit, when the baby fills his nappy it causes a real ping pong.

A new exhibition has opened featuring paintings by elephants and apes. Pictures by the elephant are likely to sell for peanuts whilst a painting by the ape will cost you a monkey.

Sir Michael Caine, who is 78 years old, has revealed his secrets staying youthful, which include his grandchildren, his career and his beautiful wife, a few million pound in the bank probably helps as well.

Young Japanese males are apathetic about dating and are disinterested in sex, a new study has said, no wonder the sale of vibrators are starting to rise in Tokyo.

News in Brief

2012-02-04T09:25:00.000Z

Six-time Nathan's Hot Dog eating contest champ Takeru Kobayashi has won the Wing Bowl XX competition claiming a cash prize of 20,000 dollars, after getting off to a flying start he managed to scoff over 330 chicken wings.

Madonna has said that Britney Spears, is "built like a brick s**thouse". Well I suppose her career has gone down the pan in recent years.

Robin Gibb has quashed rumours suggesting that he is on his "last legs", He denied that his illness was a 'Tragedy'

Just one in 10 souvenirs for the London Olympic Games were manufactured in Britain, it has been claimed, just what we need more cheap tat that will be destined for the £ shop by September

News in Brief

2012-02-03T19:19:00.000Z

Environment Secretary Chris Huhne has been forced to resign after be charged with lying about a motoring offence, Huhne says he wants to clear his name and make a speedy return to the cabinet.

Daniel Radcliffe, the actor, has admitted that his excessive drinking was “unhealthy” and was “damaging” to his health. I'm surprised all that drinking didn't make his wand droop.

A 74-year-old man died when he swallowed his dentures during a sex session with a prostitute, he must have bitten off more than he could chew.

A crematorium is to broadcast funerals live on the internet for mourners who are unable to attend. Not many people have logged on the site yet but it could prove to be a bit of a slow burner.

Austrian officials have dropped an investigation launched after a man sold wine and schnapps with a picture of Adolf Hitler on the label. You can't say furher than that.

News in Brief

2012-02-02T20:02:00.002Z

A German pensioner who kept a tub of American lard in his cupboard for 64 years after receiving it in an aid package, has declared it is fit for consumption after a taste test. Lard taste rank at the best of time so how exactly are you meant to know if it's gone off or not?

A beer called Top Totty has been banned from the Strangers' Bar in the House of Commons because its pump plate, featuring a half-naked woman, offended female MPs. I can't see what the problem is, the House of Commons is full of tits.

Asda have launched an economy brand Valentine's card which costs just 7p, anyone thinking of buying one should bear in mind how much a divorce costs these days.

Comedienne Joan Rivers shocked TV viewers on Tuesday by smoking marijuana on her reality show, she's moved on from talking shit to smoking shit.

A video of a farmer's car becoming surrounded by a 'cyclone of sheep' has become the latest viral sensation, at the time the farmer thought he was the victim of a ram raid.

News in Brief

2012-02-01T12:46:00.000Z

A firm of private investigators in Australia has been inundated with applications after advertising for a £50,000-a-year 'brothel inspector'. A company spokesman says competition for the job will be extremely stiff.

A Russian ballet star amazed fans when she stripped off after a show and rolled naked in the snow outside to cool off, if her male colleagues most of the male fans said it sent their nuts crackers.

Sainsbury's has caved to a campaign, triggered by a 3-year-old girl, to change the name of its Tiger bread to Giraffe bread. They obviously didn't like getting it in the neck from customers

News in Brief

2012-01-31T19:58:00.000Z

An incredible video of a rabbit rounding up a flock of sheep on a Swedish farm has gone viral on YouTube, The rabbit made the sheep hop to it.

A US student got a surprise when she opened a textbook she'd ordered from Amazon - and a bag of cocaine fell out, the bloke who posted the book must now be feeling like a real Charlie.

Rapper Tinie Tempah has been named this year's best-dressed man by GQ Magazine, does that mean he is now a dapper rapper.

Demi Lovato has revealed that she is not confident enough to appear on TV again, following her stint in rehab last year, I'm sure a few drinks or some drugs would help her over come the fear.

Simon Cowell is giving his talent hunt show 'Britain's Got Talent' a touch of reality TV as secret spy cameras will watch the wannabes backstage to catch them bitching, bickering and flirting, Cowell clearly knows that where there is muck there is brass.

Danny DeVito is set to make his West End debut in a play about a pair of veteran comedians who reunite for one last performance, I wonder if he gets a perm he will look a bit like Bobby Ball.

News in Brief

2012-01-30T18:42:00.005Z

Pilots with Cockney accents are the least reassuring for air travellers, according to new research among fliers,

would you Adam and Eve it.

New research suggests that women are better than men when it comes to parking, that's because most of them now know how big 6 inches actually is.

Cher laughed off rumours of her death and assured fans that she is very much alive and kicking. Does that mean that the Sunny and Cher re-union concert will now have to be cancelled?

When people are asked to provide their own weight in research surveys, they underestimate their weight and overestimate their height, a new study has claimed. According to the research most people claim to be 6 foot 6 tall and weigh 8 stones.

News in Brief

2012-01-29T11:26:00.001Z

Tens of thousands of British patients with metal hip replacements could be at risk of being poisoned by them, it is feared, people affected by the problem are considering suing but lawyers have warned that they may not have a leg to stand on.

Under pressure to marry, some Chinese men have resorted to hiring a woman to please their parents-at least temporarily-during their homecoming for the Lunar New Year, after the holiday they go back to Wang King.

Prince Andrew is representing the UK at Davos despite no longer being an official trade envoy, I didn't realise that Davos had any decent golf courses.

A pub landlord and landlady have been suspended and threatened with the sack by a brewery for serving pints “too full” of beer. The landlord his contesting his suspension but he has been warned that it could become a very Bitter dispute.

News in Brief

2012-01-28T21:00:00.000Z

CCTV cameras captured a burglar conducting a Spiderman-style break-in at a supermarket by cutting a hole in the roof and abseiling down a rope into the store, where £10,000 of cigarettes and alcohol were then stolen. When the shop manager saw the damage he went through the roof.

Two holidays a year, meaningful conversation twice a week and cuddles 11 times in a fortnight are among the secrets to a happy marriage a study has revealed, if happy marriages are so dependent on meaningful conversation it probably explains why so many marriages now end in divorce.

A jilted boyfriend has covered the seaside town of Weston-Super-Mare with graffiti messages in a bid to win back his girlfriend, can't he see that the writing is on the wall for the relationship.

Simon Cowell's brother Nicholas has blamed the TV magnate for making people in Britain want instant fame and fortune, it's nice to see that at least one member of the Cowell family seems capable of telling the truth.

Single people in Britain spend more than 3 billion pounds a year in their search for a partner, a new study has found, I didn't realise that Rohipnal was that expensive.

News in Brief

2012-01-27T13:58:00.002Z

A Manchester supermarket security guard has moved to Africa to live in the jungle as a real-life Tarzan, at the moment he is still learning the ropes.

A blob of dried glue bearing a vague resemblance to Homer Simpson has attracted astonishing bids of almost £150,000, keen bidders have been stuck on the net for days trying to buy it.

A dole office in Dublin has banned claimants from wearing pyjamas when they sign on, anyone who turns up in nightwear will have to sing for their supper.

A Hertfordshire sex shop has installed a secluded side entrance to save punters being subjected to loud cheers from a nearby pub. I thought most punters would rather enter from the rear.

Michael Jackson's daughter Paris has revealed that she is a big fan of Justin Bieber she clearly share her late fathers love of young boys.

News in Brief

2012-01-26T14:06:00.001Z

Daniel Radcliffe has revealed that he won't be getting married to girlfriend Rosie Coker anytime soon, does this mean she will have to wait awhile to get her hands on his wand.

Hollywood actress Jada Pinkett-Smith is joining forces with Simon Cowell, in his hunt for the world's greatest DJs. How insensitive Jimmy Saville has only been dead two minutes and they are already looking for a replacement.

Courtney Cox has finally decided to join the curious world of social networking and has opened her very own Twitter account, with all her experience with Friends she would better going on Facebook.

Justin Bieber has used his Twitter account to help a young Canadian fan who needs an organ donor, he really needs to be more careful about tweeting about organs, he could easily get into trouble.

News in Brief

2012-01-25T14:22:00.001Z

A mum-of-four banned from every nightclub in her home city for her skimpy outfits has been photographed posing as a superhero, I didn't realise there was a superhero called 'tart woman.'

Thousands of Star Wars fans have joined forces to create a low-budget version of George Lucas's classic film, they hope to release it on Star Wars day, May the 4th.

Millions of people in Britain do not talk about the state of their finances with their families, and in fact, the only topic more taboo than money is sex, according to a new study, no wonder so many Brits are screwed financially.

The Advertising Standards Authority (ASA) has ruled that a promo featuring Lady Gaga clad in suspenders and a body harness while rubbing her bare stomach is not "overtly sexual". Does this mean that none of the men assessing it got a stiffy?

News in Brief

2012-01-24T17:42:00.001Z

At least 85 dolphins have unexpectedly beached themselves in a shallow inlet of a US nature reserve at Cape Cod, so dolphins may not as clever after all.

Thorpe Park, the theme park, has ordered improvements to its new rollercoaster, The Swarm, after dummies lost limbs during test rides, if the rollercoaster isn't modified it could cost the park an arm and a leg in compensation claims.

A new website, neverlikeditanyway.com, has been set up to dispose of unwanted gifts from relationships that have gone sour, I bet Jordan will make a fortune on that site.

A Twitter campaign by McDonald's, aimed at highlighting good news relating to the fast food chain, completely backfired when people used the hashtag 'McDStories', to highlight their horror stories. Somebody in their media department will soon be looking for a new MacJob.

Boris Johnson crashed into an 8 year old boy whilst skiing in Italy he must have been on the piste again.

News in Brief

2012-01-23T13:12:00.000Z

A 43-year-old PE teacher arrested after having sex with a 13-year-old Austrian schoolboy is now pregnant by him, he is obviously taking his biology homework very seriously.

A Chicago man accidentally shot a nail into the middle of his brain but didn't even realise he had done it until the next day, it must have hit him him like a bolt from the blue.

Katie Price surprised her twitter followers when she came up with bizarre rants about the global economy and politics to try and promote Snickers. All her followers thought she must have gone nuts.

Heidi Klum and British singer Seal have confirmed the end of their seven-year marriage, describing the separation as amicable, that will be very upsetting for the lawyers.

Keira Knightley has revealed that she and her co-star Michael Fassbender downed vodka shots before shooting intimate spanking scenes for their latest film 'A Dangerous Method'. Does that mean she got caned twice in the same night?

News in Brief

2012-01-22T14:13:00.003Z

Simon Cowell has put to rest rumours of a split with fiancee Mezhgan Hussainy after he was spotted enjoying a Caribbean holiday with a group of women, she still retains the title of beard number one.

A teenager, who was once a boy before she became the youngest person in Britain to have a full sex change two years ago, is hoping to be crowned Miss England, if she really wants to win the title she needs to be careful not to appear too cocky.

The woman, who revealed last week that she has two vaginas, is said to have been offered a million dollars to travel to LA to make an adult film, but she says that she will turn down any such offer. Apparently the idea of doing a porn film gave her the willies.

Kate Winslet has revealed that she left the set of her new movie Carnage "smelling of sick" every night as she had to projectile vomit over and over again for one key scene. Well at east she didn't put on any weight while she was making the film.

News in Brief

2012-01-21T20:42:00.000Z

A Swedish church is attracting a younger congregation - by staging services featuring techno music instead of wine and wafers the vicar gives out pringles and alcohol pops.

Birdwatchers who hoped they had found a new species of hawk were shot down - when a farmer turned out to have been painting them pink for fun. I'm sure the twitchers weren't tickled pink when they found out.

A Czech bar has replaced waiters and waitresses - with a model railway, after a few drinks many of the regulars soon end up off of the rails.

Magician Paul Daniels accidently chopped his finger off with a saw, I better he didn't like it a lot.

News in Brief

2012-01-20T13:58:00.001Z

The traditional New York accent – where residents pronounce coffee "cawfee" among other things – could be on the wane, it has been claimed. I thought most people New York just order Latte or is that lartay?

Thousands of people jumped in frigid waters all across Russia to mark the celebration of the Russian Orthodox Epiphany. Presumably most of them consumed plenty of vodka before taking the plunge.

A urinating mannequin has been banned from a shop window after police received complaints, members of the public thought the display was taking the piss.

A woman claims that she can foretell the future by throwing spears of asparagus up in the air and then seeing how they land. I tried it myself but it didn't work, may be I should have taken them out of the tin before throwing them in the air.

News in Brief

2012-01-19T18:06:00.001Z

Sega have unveiled the Toylet, a games console powered by the user's urine, for use in Japanese bars, most of the games look piss easy.

A new app gives people the chance to compose their last Facebook update - to be posted after their death. That app will take a lot of topping.

A contestant on TV's Countdown pulled off a surprise win - by coming up with the word "w***er", it's probably the first time the word has been uttered on the show since Richard Whiteley died.

Confronting your soon-to-be-ex face-to-face could be a thing of the past, as a professional dumper from UK will now do the job on your behalf. If you can't afford to employ a dumper you could just send a text instead.

Michael Jackson's doctor Conrad Murray will not be required to pay compensation to members of King of Pop's family or his estate. A big financial settlement on top of a jail sentence would have been a real choker.