TopicBitch

4 jobs that annoy the public…

2013-01-23T05:37:00.002-08:00

Employment is one of the more difficult Topics to Bitch about simply because it’s a very sensitive subject, however like all unwanted chores, it has to be done. Jobs have a notoriety to be difficult to find when you’re out of work as experience and past employment comes into factor with most companies these days and frankly, who can blame them? They don’t want to train someone from scratch, that’s time consuming and pointless when someone else with certain experience in the field is applying for the job. Still, the fact remains that there are people with no experience because nearly every company has this mindset, so how can they gain experience if no one will employ them without experience? What a mindfuck.

Everyone loses their cool.

However there are some jobs that are so easy and horribly annoying that people are forced to take them up due to money issues and you know, the necessity of living. Therefore I give you the 4 jobs that annoy the public to such an extent, that anger is bound to ensue. Remember though, if you do come across any person that has been unfortunate enough to be put into any of these 4 positions, spare some sympathy for that poor soul. Then show your frustration, ‘cause you’re only human…

1. Bathroom attendant

Men everywhere have felt the rage build up inside them when one of these are skulking around the sinks and drying towels. He feeds off the naivety of the male’s need for sex, and uses the power of crude persuasion to tempt you into buying a few sprays of fragrance. Now I haven’t been in ladies bathroom of late because I myself am of the male gender, and not a creepy guy who likes to watch women sit on the toilet. Seriously, how are these type of men allowed to walk among us? Therefore I’m clueless if the ladies can share such annoyance, but if not, just feel our pain for the moment.

Imperial Leather junkies...

We’re about to wash our hands after a rather relieving session with the toilet and there he is, forcing eye contact as if he wants to take you out for dinner. It’s a charming notion, but disturbing nonetheless. Cleanliness is the first thing on the menu when washing hands, so we look for the soap. But there is none. Strange, a club of this caliber, and there’s no soap? What is this nonsense!? But then of course it comes to revelation that he has it. Guarding it as if we would be inclined to take more than we need, like a greedy soap gremlin. Either way, we need the soap, but he won’t just give us it. Oh no, that would be too simple. He juveniles us and squirts it in our hands. We are not fucking five! We do not need help! Why didn’t you just come in the cubicle and wipe our arses for us? Pull up our pants if you want, we must not be capable to do them simple tasks too if we can’t even wash our own bloody hands! Then he tempts us to buy some fragrance after helping us to dry our hands with cheap paper towels. Typing in these inclusive pronouns is starting to make me feel like Gollum.

Using a clever concoction of sexual psychology and clever wordplay he tries to batter us down to accept the charge of using the bathroom. Shouting things across the bathroom such as “No splash, No gash!” and the infamous, “No Armani, No punani!” The single men in the room jump at the chance of not smelling like sweat, in the chance that there’s girl in the club might get off on the smell of “Joop!” If you rely on how you smell to attract the opposite sex, you must have the personality of a shoe. Avoid the attendant, at all costs.

Annoyance rating: 9/10

2. Telephone operator

Everyone is trying to sell you something these days. It seems that anything goes when making money is involved and stealing is top of the list. I’m not talking about daylight physical robbery. I’m talking about stealing your personal details, such as phone numbers. I’m nineteen and I’ve had hundreds of calls urging me to claim miss-sold PPI to a point where I’m actually convinced I’m owed money. Asking me this is like asking a blind person for directions, the answer is always going to be, “Fuck off”.

Call me again. I dare you.

I personally like to have full-blown conversations with them completely off topic to waste their time, and let’s face it; I have a lot of Topics to talk about. How they obtain the phone number in the first place is a mystery. They probably scan Facebook for idiots who have left their accounts connected to their mobiles. In the case of these people, I have no sympathy for your ever-ringing phone.

Annoyance rating: 6/10

3. “Professional” Tumblr Bloggers

Blogging is a way to express opinions and start discussions with other people who have the same interests. Some people are lucky enough to be employed by posting their blogs on legit websites and get paid for it. These people are called Journalists. There’s a fact for you. Now we have that out of the way, I can wade you into shit swamp that is Tumblr and the types of people that you can find on there. If you use Tumblr as a hobby, that’s perfect, it’s what it’s meant for. Go you! However, there are people that take it way too seriously and look at it as a career rather than a past time. Poor deluded souls.

Posting art and thoughts on Tumblr is NOT A CAREER. If you can make a bit of money in the process with advertisement and selling the odd t-shirt, you’ve done extremely well. To take it further, get employed by an actual company and share your portfolio with them, then you can call it career. I’ve seen people list it as a profession on Facebook and Twitter and list it on their CV’s. I don’t think employers will give a horse’s left testicle about how many notes one post got. Unless they’re wearing the t-shirt you sold, then brag away.

Annoyance rating: 7/10

4. Market Trader

You’re selling 5 bananas for a pound. We get it. No need to shout.

Annoyance Rating: 5/10

When the pimps in the crib ma...

3 idiotic recent casting decisions for upcoming popular movies.....

2012-11-11T12:49:00.000-08:00

Yes. It's true. TopicBitch is back after a 3-month hiatus. I would like to say it was because I was voyaging the ocean depths and backpacking across the misty mountains of the Himalayas, but the truth is, I’ve just been remarkably lazy. Sure work and the second year of university may have played a part, but most of the time I’ve just been sitting around on my skinny arse playing SNES games and occasionally seeing the light of day. However there’s no need to fear. I’m back, with inspiration from the human race’s stupidity that fuels my Bitchiness. A fire will rise… (copyright Warner Bros and DC)

"Go on. Take the last beer. I dare you."

Casting isn’t the easiest job by any means in a film’s postproduction, even though you would think a mediocre generic actor could easily fill most roles. For example if there’s a gritty tough-guy role that needs to be filled, you pick Jason Statham, since he has more testosterone than a giant bull elephant being ridden by the target audience of Top Gear. However the choice of some casting teams is blinded by the actor’s popular profile and is assumed to be the best possible individual for the role simply because of their star status. Therefore I give you 3 idiotic recent casting decisions for upcoming popular movies, as an educated guess can be made for how their performance will fair in the film’s narrative and I warn you, it’s not pretty…

1. Benedict Cumberbatch – Khan (Star Trek II)

British people as villains is a running trend throughout Hollywood, it’s something about our well spoken English and casual mannerism about almost everything that seems to chill America to the bone. I can’t imagine a character from 90210 or this girl who has the mental capacity of a sponge à http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bzvm7zd4Z-s, having the same qualities. Thank goodness my faith was partly restored by the country voting Obama in the White House for a second term. Well done America. I’m proud of you. Anyway, back on Topic, Khan was a mastermind spanning through most of the classic Star Trek episodes and movies, so depicting his evil nature is never going to be an easy task, but Benedict? Seriously?

In Sherlock he plays a fast-talking, arrogant hero that wouldn’t hurt a fly. The transformation into a slow-talking, death-reaping villain would be quite the accomplishment. Has he got the skill? I don’t see it. Besides, Khan’s old in the original, he has wrinkles on his wrinkles and more folds on his face than an origami puzzle. Unless the visual effects team does something to Benedict’s gorgeous complexion in the make-up chair, he’ll pose no more threat to Captain Kirk than a Clingon in a beauty contest.

All in all, he isn’t fitting the bill for me, I’ve always imagined an Alan Rickman type actor to play that role if it ever cropped up again, but then again we all know he died when he tried to save Harry Potter and Nagini bit his throat…

ALWAYS.

2. Jeremy Renner - Hansel (Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters)

“Your bow Hawkeye! Kill the witch with the bow! Don‘t just stake her, your master art is in archery! God damn it!” Yeah, I’m going there.

Who is honestly going to take Jeremy Renner seriously in this dark spin-off of the children’s fairytale? He barely made it through The Bourne Legacy without the same thought protruding in the back of everyone’s minds. Even that beard couldn’t cover up his super hero status, throughout the whole film I was chanting him to get rid of his sniper rifle and unearth his bow, which he’d buried in the snow. Rhyming makes everything roll off your tongue.

Will he have same problem Tobey Maguire has with his Spiderman phase cancelling out all other roles for him to play? Probably not, it’s just a minor character persona he’ll shake off in about 6 months, unlike Tobey’s 3-long film hurdle he has to overcome. If he overcomes it, that is. It seems unlikely.

3. Mark Wahlberg (Transformers 4)

This information was literally released yesterday and is my inspiration for re-vamping TopicBitch because it proves that there is no improvement in the film world’s stupidity.

...ugh.

He’s managed to land another role in a high-octane action movie and for some unknown reason has been confirmed as the only casted actor so far. I don’t why they got rid of Shloeur LeBuff…Shoe LaBoot…the original guy from the Transformer saga, he was perfect for this generation of teens, why replace him with the stale ham sandwich of all actors!? My hate is reinforced with undeniable facts; just watch any movie where he has to play a character that actually moves. Go on. I dare you.

3 "healthy foods" you probably think are good for you...

2012-08-20T13:21:00.000-07:00

The general public this day and age are obsessed with health and well-being, as the up keep of your body will ensure you of a long life and a fit physical state when you hit retirement. This statement is true, as living on nothing but crisps and McDonalds isn't exactly going to expand your lifespan, only your waist and risk of heart disease. Production companies have recognized our need to feed on the food with less saturated fats, therefore have sprung a bombardment of adverts on television of beautiful women chowing down on what ever crap they can muster from their factories. However some of the foods you'd think would help either lose weight or stay in shape just well, don't. Doing some research on calorieking (source right there) I now bring you 3 "healthy foods" you probably think are good for you and you may be surprised. Or maybe not, if you're like me and study the back of packaging for hours on end...

1. Cereal Bars

It's a simple idea, cereals are healthy so why not convert them into a tasty nutritional snack you can have on the go!? No milk, no mess and you still get the amazing taste of a breakfast any time of the day, where ever you may be. I should work for these advertising companies. However as amazing as that idea sounds, the reality is that you might as well eat a chocolate bar. A cereal bar has an average of 160 calories per bar, whilst a bar of Dairy Milk only has 200. That. Is. Fact.

Smile your way to obesity.

So put down that Nutri-Grain and tuck into a chocaltey sugary treat and don't feel bad about yourself. Just think, all of them actresses on the commercials, they're now rolling down the high street as they've kept eating them constantly thanks to the company giving them a life time supply. Oh well, at least that girl got paid, mhhhm. That's about as ghetto as I can get.

2. Yoghurt Drinks

Frankly anything that can be eaten with spoon should be not condensed and stuck into a bottle for a drink. It feels wrong in my opinion. But apparently they help the digestive system flow or whatever according to the adverts.

Using a diagram on every advert to make you feel like a simpleton that doesn't know how to take a shit, when in truth all the products do is offer a cheap alternative to an actual decent breakfast. Pouring yoghurt is another example, putting this gloopy liquid all over your corn flakes insults the cereal and your taste buds, stick to milk, it's the right way to go...

3. Super Noodles

Pasta can't be fattening can it? It's just wheat!? Everyone knows bread makes you pile on the pounds but Batchelors have managed to make a pasta product that. University students everywhere live off these easy to make snacks and I'm a hypocrite, since I'm one of them. Chicken flavour is the best. You gotta have the chicken flavour.

I couldn't tell you how they do it, but they process the noodles in such away that half a pack is 27% of your daily calorie intake. The flavouring powder adds a few percentages to that number, as they make the noodles addictive and finger lickin' good. KFC won't sue. I'm sure.

"See you in court motherlicker"

4 awful actors that still manage to get work...

2012-08-04T06:48:00.001-07:00

How does it keep happening? They spring up in films with masterful direction and alongside others with sheer individual talent. Think of them as the STD of the movie business, they'll be casted for roles way out of their depths and keep coming back on to a screen near you. Watching The Dark Knight Rises this week has formed a certain clarity in my head between what makes a good and a disgraceful excuse of an actor, as compared to the following list of these 4 awful actors/actresses that manage to get work, they stand out like a Jamaican in a 100m sprint (stick in an Olympic reference, for the sport enthusiasts)...

I will now play, 'Lesbian Seagal'.

1. Steven Seagal
Martial arts is a dying genre, especially in the Western world as we are now used to seeing more intense, gritty action sequences that involve CGI, explosions and gore. Glorious cinema. However this old timer refuses to let go of the past, promoting his ponytail to straight-to-DVD distributors with clever camera work to ensure that he does minimal stunts or movement, for that matter. For someone who's supposed to be an all out action hero, he is rather tame. Seagal's martial art skills are lacking, he has a hard time enunciating English and his surname sounds like Seagull, which frankly, is hilarious. The most pain Seagal is going to cause the baddie is by nicking his ice cream on the seafront.

However reaching cult status in lousy B movies is quite an achievement for someone his age and level of talent. But for goodness sake Steve, give it up whilst you're ahead. Go into another profession such as hairdresser, a butcher or perhaps sensei AS THAT IS YOUR FIELD OF EXPERTISE. Leave the acting to the pros...

Worst offence : Flight Of Fury (2007)

2. Kristen Stewart
The solemn face of Kristen haunts screens everywhere. Her pale, non-expressive body continues to plague awkward teenagers with an actress that lowers their IQ every time she is seen playing a role that requires some emotive skill. Just to think this generation is looking up to her as a role model, creating a young army of boring personalities throughout the world.

I can't type anymore about her, it's boring me to Bitch about this, err, bitch? Yeah.

Worst offence: Cheating on the pale, ginger one from Twilight...

3. Mark Wahlberg
I call him the ham sandwich. More precisely, the stale ham sandwich as every role he plays could be easily be replaced by a ham sandwich. Let me explain; on the outside we find bread, the damp spongy exterior that's enough to fulfill the hunger of looks you need, but still rather bland.Then we have the lettuce, the crisp vibrant colour that is hugely disappointing in taste, as it's all water and no substance. Finally, we come to the ham. The cold filling, thin and pink with a salty aftertaste that stays in your mouth for ages after eating the meal. All in all, it's satisfactory at best. Did I actually just describe a sandwich? Straight jacket please...

Oh hi Mark! Whoops, mistaken again...

He is always either annoyed, dazed or confused about EVERYTHING. The only emotion he can produce, and it's still embarrassing when performed on camera. But he's middle aged, can speak fluently and looks like an 'average guy', so he's cheap narrative fodder for a casting agent to pick up for a bland role.

Worst Offence: Max Payne (2008)

4. Tobey Maguire
Every face he pulls he looks constipated. Plus that weird dancing scene he does in Spiderman 3 creeps me the fuck out...*shiver*

Worst offence: Spiderman 3 (2007)

5 things you must do to survive a zombie apocalypse...

2012-07-16T09:01:00.004-07:00

I'm not in the new series, ssshhhhhh...

With the Olympics being just around the corner, I thought I'd stay clear of that subject and write about something much more interesting and imaginative: zombies. With the release of the new season 3 Walking Dead trailer, I thought this Topic would be appropriate. Zombies aren't exactly the most terrifying of creatures, as they are essentially us without the capacity to show emotion or feeling, that slowly limp and groan in melancholy everywhere. Just think of them as an army of pensioners with severe Alzheimer's disease. Yet if mostly EVERYONE was a pensioner, the mass horde of them would make them a little bit harder to defeat and survival would become challenging. No electricity, Internet, communication or economy would cancel out the way of life we know now and take us back to the stone ages of every man for himself. However in order to survive, as I have seen in countless movies and media, there are 5 things you must do to survive a zombie apocalypse as failure to do so will either be the result of you becoming the undead, being shredded apart or going insane....

1. Arm yourself

Now I must warn you some of these things are going to be blatantly obvious, but crucial nonetheless as without weapons you're like a turkey on thanksgiving. That's right, I'm whipping out the cliche similes. But when I say arm yourself it might surprise that you guns are a big NO during the horde's rain of terror. A gun is only useful for a certain period of time, as eventually you'll run out of bullets and since I live in London, ammunition isn't available at every street corner. Besides if you are living in America, gun shops are going to be the first place people will gather and selfishly turn anything that walks toward their shop into dust. Nothing electrical either or stuff that needs to be charged, as with all city's power grids down you'll have to skulk around for a generator that is powered by wind turbines or something, and if it's not windy, you're fucked.

The best weapon to obtain is a light, solid, close combat weapon. Something you can easily swing and bash the old timer's head into a pulp with if they get too close to your feeble body. A baseball bat or a large piece of wood would be perfect candidates, give that gruesome ghoul a vicious splinter also whilst hitting them. There is a down-side to this though; if you get cornered by a massive swarm of them, swinging your wood about isn't going to get you out of that situation, which leads me onto the next rule....

Mr Roth knows.

2. Find sanction

...whatever you do, leave yourself an easy escape. It's all very well stumbling upon a impenetrable underground bunker, however you have to leave the possibility that the pensioners will overrun your hide out and tear you apart.

Solution? LEAVE AN EASY ESCAPE. Did I just mention this? Oh yes, right. Find yourself a cosy little habitat where the horde won't find you, but just in case they do you can dart out of the window or something and make your escape. Preferably somewhere high, 'cause why would they ever look up? But at the same time, not so high that if you plunge out of the attic you won't fall to a death that involves the word "splat" in a Beano comic. Another positive for having a big space, is that you can invite other survivors to stay with you in this time of need as being alone will surely drive you to insanity, however...

=')

3. Make friends with boring people

...just make sure they have a docile personality. Trust me, making friends with hyper, "idea people" will only cause mayhem. They will do anything to exceed power and take control of your new found establishment, whether it's convincing other people's opinions on their side to force you out or make an elaborate escape plan to a survival colony 500 miles away. Either way, it will end up with you dying in one way or another.

Make sure your companions will follow orders and drone to your fashion of living and you will obtain the conversation you crave and survive to tell this tale to a battery powered video camera documenting your life. However, don't become too attached, falling in love or formulating a bromance with strangers will only send you into a slumping depression when they're eventually eaten or leave due to an inexplicable reasons. Stay only friends and...

Oh Bear...

4. Have no morals

...forget your moral code. Release your savage survival instinct and become a wily Bear Grylls. Obviously I'm not talking about drinking your own piss when times are at there bleakest, I'm talking about not taking shit from anyone or anything.

If a pensioner comes up to you, and you know them, do not hesitate by thinking, "Nooo, noooo, (err, names, shit, err) Albert! Not you Albert! You're my best friend, I cant shoot you". Grow a pair. Albert will rip your face in the time you way out the pros and cons of killing your best friend. Frankly, anything you knew of Albert is long gone, as all that is on his mind right now nibbling on your juicy face. Speaking of nibbling,...

5. Keep a backpack of food and water

...fucking eat everything. You have to keep your strength up, otherwise you'll be too weak to; grab your baseball bat, hermit a new home, argue with your fellow survivalists, bash your best friend's face to a bloody pulp or basically live.

3 reasons why porn cannot have a narrative...

2012-07-10T17:23:00.000-07:00

It's that guy from The Hangover

How did this book suddenly pop up over night? It seems every single person with a pair of X chromosomes has devised an opinion on Fifty Shades of Grey, and it's fair to say the opinion is mixed. I have skimmed it via an e-book, I have not read it completely, although I did acquire the basic gist that the book entails: it's soft porn. A novel can indulge the reader into depicting the author's mindset and life experiences and through this, the audience can see she is sexually frustrated with a hint of mental instability. No? Only me? She did write fan fiction after all. For Twilight of all things, and you can tell from the bulk of waffle and improbable dialogue Anastasia uses. "Oh how you beguile me!", *sells millions of copies*. However this Topic is not about Fifty Shades of Grey, it's about porn. Pornography. Sex with actors. Although it is nationally thought to be the best friend of a man's right hand, a recent survey also suggests 6 in 10 women in Britain stream porn on the Internet. In addition with erotic fiction and the world wide phenomenon of E.L James' novel that is scared to use the word vagina, it is truly mainstream. However, I have a bone to pick with it. Not literally, though. Porn shouldn't have a narrative, whether it's on paper or screen, and here are 3 reasons why...

1. Hilarity
The notion of a narrative allows you to immerse into a plot and understand a character's feelings whilst going a long their journey, no matter how short the time frame may be. Sex should be used as a tool within a certain type of romance or real life genre to depict a bond between two people or a deception someone has committed. It should be an add on to a much bigger and longer plot. Giving porn a narrative however, ends up in hilarious consequences. How can it be taken seriously? You know the ending is going to be him blowing his load somewhere or other, therefore what's the point of giving the characters personalities?

Let them get on with it! They even make shows with clever titles such as "Gash in the Attic" and "The XXX Factor" to let the viewer know what they're getting. Shouldn't they already know this!? IT'S PORN. I wouldn't be surprised if there's a television guide for porn channels, and maybe in years to come they'll even have a pull out with The Sun telling you what's on seeing it's one of the biggest industries on the planet. Back to the reason why Fifty Shades is doing so well. Women love this porn with narrative bile, because it speaks to them on a moral and acceptable level. It's side-splitting to see them whip out a copy on the train and start tucking in to it's physical descriptions. I've veered off Topic, I better get to the next point...

A fitting place to indulge in porn...

2. Copycats

Young adult men will do anything for sex, as will some women in this day and age, the desperation of getting some is driving Western culture wild as it's safe to say we have become addicted. Scenarios in porn spark ideas for men to get laid as they themselves as they may be in a similar position the actor has put themselves in and attempt to apply the same moves. Sounds ridiculous? I'll prove it. It's like you've watched a film, and somebody has quoted the film perfectly, whether they know it or not, if they do it just gives more evidence to this point. There is a punch line or answer that you will automatically copy because it sounded cool in that movie and it is the perfect reply to their statement. Psychologically you want to be as cool as the character depicted on screen. Now we're getting into Freudian territory. It happens, and young men will copy what they have seen in pornos because it worked for the lucky guy they saw boning the hot blonde girl.

Of course it's role reversal, the girl could see or read something that helps them satisfy their libido, like having kinky bondage sex with a billionaire to keep your job and hide the admittance that a "normal" boyfriend is not what you really desire and you crave the excitement he gives in your life.

I've got to stop doing this, on to the last reason...

3. Fifty Shades of Grey was written
I'm sorry. I can't help myself. It's just awful. Thanks to porn having a narrative and popularity of the genre, it has managed to spawn this grotesque excuse for a book and scarred my and the worlds population's pupils for life. Keep porn short and sweet, so there is no risk of creating this monstrosity again.

Thank you.

3 talentless people that have formed successful careers...

2012-07-02T09:44:00.000-07:00

Seth Macfarlane pretty much summed up youth employment.

Earning money in this economic climate is hard enough let alone trying to become rich and famous, with teenagers attending colleges and universities to attempt to make something better of their lives rather than settling for a cheque tax payers hand to them whilst being on job seeker's allowance. Even the part time jobs such as 'bus boys' companies couldn't fill thirty years ago are now highly competitive and are considered as gold to people struggling to find employment. However, it has come to my attention lately that people can just about be famous for anything nowadays, just as long as you have the right marketing and attitude to your target audience anything can be achieved. Frankly, this agitates me. Therefore I give you four talentless people that have formed successful careers in different fields of the media, to just show you how easy a rich and powerful status can be reached with all most no effort at all. If you can think of any more, leave a comment! :)

1. Jason Acuña
We as a species believe that when pain is inflicted on another person and not ourselves, it is the most hilarious thing we have witnessed. They could be doing anything, from being kicked in the face by a horny camel, to walking into a shop window (Justin Bieber), whatever it is, it's human nature to chuckle at other people's misfortune. Due to the public's need of seeing horrific injuries, some people have come to the conclusion that the only way of making a living is to act upon this reaction; none more so than Jason Acuña. Jason, aka "Wee Man" from the Jackass series, has a made a career simply by self-harming with his friends in the name of comedy and entertainment, pulling in millions of viewers to watch the banter unfold as they set up situations that either plans to embarrass, injur or condemn themselves or one of their friends. That explanation of Jackass was for the people who have been living under a rock for the past ten years. Welcome to the light.

His pain threshold must be staggering through the precarious obstacles he sets himself, however apart from this, it takes no skill what so ever. Anybody could make this show, it's just many of us lack the motivation and television crew to film it. Therefore is the success to his rise to stardom just merely stupidity? And Johnny Knoxville co-hosting? No. Jason has one more trick up his very small sleeve. He's, err, small. This adds an extra hilarity to the stunts he performs, as not only are the stunts unusual, he himself is quite unique in his stature giving the ridiculous nature of the obstacles another edge for audiences.
Disability + Stupidity = Fame. It's math, and you can't argue with math...

"When the pimps in the crib maa, drop it like it's a zero when trying to find

 the last X non-zero digits of N. Gangster shit.

2. Meg White

There is one question that springs to mind when somebody mentions Meg White to me and that question is...How? There are numerous talented musicians out there unemployed and crying over their guitar strings because they want to play in front of crowds, yet somehow Meg, a person with the rhythm of a stale ham sandwich managed to perform for thousands live. There is only one explanation for this, she must have been banging a successful musician...OH SNAP.

Her way to stardom was to leech of Jack White's talent by being his sister/wife/partner/experiment. She is essentially a gold digger, much like every footballer's wife, a mere parasite feeding of the talent of another individual.Thank goodness Jack managed to break free and fly solo once more.

P.S. THE BLUNDERBUSS ALBUM IS AMAZING.

3. Every Royal In Modern Society
It's true. The world today is run by politics, money and people who are educated to make decisions that will better economies and help us to live better lives. We even vote for them through ballots to come into power and tell us how we can help and sustain the way of life we know. Yet still sitting in the comfort on the branch of the tree are members of royal families.

"Peasants, can't even afford Armani, I ain't trifilin' with no Primark shit."

They are astoundingly wealthy, are able to afford literal palaces and are commemorated whenever they have a birthday or significant date simply because they are a part of a specific bloodline. Yet, they do absoloutely nothing accept go to fancy events and dress in so much bling 50 Cent would go blind. They just sit there, dodging taxes and ordering butlers around to grab things for them. Now I know it is apart of historic culture in some countries, however let's face it, Kings and Queens have lost most power in today's climate. There might have been a time where they had the last say of chopping of somebody's head or shotgunned the last eccles cake from the pantry, but not anymore. They are at mercy of the government and the people's opinion, making them frankly, obselete. Queen Elizabeth II is nothing really more than a pensioner now, however I can't see her hobbling home with bags from Tesco and complaining about the price of heating anytime soon...

3 sports that are completely over rated....

2012-05-29T10:34:00.000-07:00

"Please, tell me more about shit that doesn't matter"

P.E. isn't everyone's master subject at school, the lesson was merely a chance to piss about and get up to all kinds of fuckery around the grounds. They would try and teach our class an array of sports, but nobody would really care, all we wanted to do was kick the faulty vending machine to see how many juice cartons we could snatch. But over the years I have become aware of sports' existence and grown knowledgeable of certain games' rules , as most conversation in pubs is centered around the latest breaking news Sky Sports can conjure. I'm going to level with you; I hate it. I like watching sport, but not conversing about how a football player has broken their little toe, that kind of chatter might entertain a deaf infant chimp, but not me. However, it's come to my attention through listening aimlessly at sport convos that some sports are just plainly over rated, as I don't know how anybody could see it as an entertaining sport or why it becomes the main Topic during a social gathering. The following three examples just give you a taste of the pointlessness of some sports and will perhaps make you think twice before joining a conversation that sends half of your group to sleep...

1. Cricket
I wouldn't say cricket is awful, I'd say it is so awful, that a new adjective has to be invented to describe its awfulness, and then twin the term's meaning with a new phrase for "big pile of smelly dog turd". Only then can you understand how truly awful cricket is. Any sport that at an international level takes five days to determine a winner should not exist, infact it's classing as a sport as wrong, think of it more of a torture for the fan that they endure to exert their allegiance to this dull hobby. So what makes it so bad? Well for starters, nothing happens for three-quarters of the match and even when a wicket is taken or the batter hits a six (a ball beyond the boundary without bouncing), you'll most likely miss it, as you were preoccupied with another activity. Seriously, I reckon being raped in jail is more fun then watching a test match.

"Finally, we lost, it's over..."

Yet still it has a massive appeal amongst the worldwide population! This baffles me, a Lords cricket ground ticket starts at forty pounds, A DAY. A twenty seven thousand capacity sell out every test match, equals a hell of alot of dough, I would do the mathematics for you, but frankly the calculator is to far away from where I'm sitting. It's mostly retirees that spend their well-earned pensions to sit in a forty pound seat to watch this tripe, mostly because it's what they'd be doing at home anyway, might as well pay for an expensive seat and get away from the telly box because let's face it, during the day it's either Jeremy Kyle or Loose Women. There is no alternative. Moreover, they even run the risk of death, be it a slight risk, however a solid lump of cricket ball to the face will probably cause the old timer to check out early. Cricket has become the way out of the retirement home. And life. Give the crowd a helmet at least, jheez...

2. American Football
WILLLSSOONNNNNNNN...oh wait, that was a volleyball. However the oval shape of the American football has become a trademark symbol for the country's sporting characteristic. What a shame, because American Football is utterly over rated, possibly the most over rated on this list. The Super Bowl is the world's most watched sporting event and I'm finding it hard to see why.

I thought Americans liked fast paced end-to-end action like basketball offers, not a slow stop-start drag that entices the larger athlete to write his name on a team sheet? I stayed up to watch the Super Bowl here in the early hours of the morning, and by the eventual end of it, my eyes had melted through the constant bombardment of advertisements and my ears bled due to whistle signalling stoppages. It drove me insane. Infact at this very moment I'm typing in an asylum, eating chocolate biscuits. The walls are my friends now.

Thanks America.

3. Bowls
The fascination of curling things plays a big part in this game. The fans of bowls most likely also love curly straws, hot curling tongs and the film Wanted. You know, things that curl other things. As this is the main priority of the game, and my word is it boring. The idea is to throw big balls at a smaller ball, but hitting the smaller ball is FORBIDDEN, because apparently it has feelings or something. To do this players, curl, that's right, curl the big ball at the small ball into their intended area where they want it to land. Skillful, eh? Well, not exactly.

Just chuck it toward the right. WORLD CLASS.

As matter of fact is rather easy, the big balls are already weighted one side so in all fairness all the player has to do is throw it gently the other way. I played this at a holiday resort and after a couple of go's, I was pro. The hype these people get from fans is outrageous, as this game takes no technical skill whatsoever, yet it is one of the most anticipated events at the Commonwealth Games. As you can see, it didn't make the Olympics for a reason. Leave your lawn long, put your balls away. Ew...

GET A JOB. WEAR A CONDOM.

4 secretly horrific things Pokemon promoted...

2012-04-15T15:06:00.002-07:00

I'd rather Pokemon than this thanks, Japan

Childhood moulds us into the adults that we eventually become, depending on which people you meet and how well you were influenced by your parents to remain socially acceptable through teenage years. However, if you were born in the eighties or nineties, that old-fashioned method of bringing up children was now obselete, as parking a child infront of the television was the new hip and rad way to teach the minor the proper way to act. Through the medium of cartoons and kids' shows, television attempted to do just that linking morals and life messages to the child's feeble intellect. This gave parents the time to do parent things whilst you were distracted by the glowy flash box. The biggest craze within these programmes, was Pokemon, a Japanese master piece that covered every market available to nerds globally with extraodinary success. These little pocket monsters connected with every child, whether it was the action of the battles, unusual sights of the creatures or the simple bright colours usually found in anime. But revisiting some old episodes, I noticed some recurring themes I got from the second viewings that only an adult would be able to see. Therefore I give you four secretly horrific things Pokemon promoted, because as a child we couldn't give a shit about propaganda...

1. Animal Captivity
The idea of a Pokemon trainer's quest is to catch as many of these Japanese named creatures as possible and use them in battles to fight other Pokemon, until one faints. Hmm. On the surface that doesn't seem legit, however the cartoon dresses up the trainer/Pokemon relationship as a friendship, even if the trainer has only just caught the Pokemon and not established any time in hanging around with it. It just becomes his/her property automatically, they just seem to click. Let's go back to when the trainer first catches it then, the trainer uses its own companion to beat the wild creature to a pulp, until he can claim it as his/her's own and sentence it to life imprisonment within a tiny red and white sphere. Um. This doesn't add up.

Surely the Pokemon would absolutely hate the trainer for capturing it from the wild and making it his own? If a guy with a cap casually strolled up to me, clobbered me 'til I was bruised and beaten like a thrown about peach, then dragged me to his house and kept in me a sphere with no air holes; I wouldn't grow to love him. There is only one explanation I can think of for this atrocity...all Pokemon trainers are animal captivists. They lock up wild animals for sport and watch them get their arses handed to them by other animals to make financial profit from gym members and audiences during tournaments. I can't see bear baiting or cock fighting (ha, cock) being any different!?

"Why?"

So I guess there's only one question everyone wants answered; what happens inside a Poke ball? Well, I have a pretty good theory...it's a prison cell. Like a little personal zoo, with cages that are portable. Of course the Pokemon have to love their warden, otherwise they'd starve to death as the trainer feeds them, or are never used in battle, let alone being let allowed outside of the Poke ball to wander about freely. They'd remain in the constraints of the Poke ball for all eternity. Just to think, I used to play Pokemon and be one of these knob-heads. Coincidentally, that's the name I gave to my rival... "KNOBHEAD WANTS TO BATTLE". Made me giggle every time...

2. Atheism
I love the irony of this point, since Pokemon is fictional, however the programme was strictly Darwinian in it's theories. It stuck by the scientific route of creationism and left religious views aside completely, which in a way makes a better programme, otherwise the answer to every question would be "God did it", like magic can be used to explain everything in Harry Potter.

A bit of Radcliffe, for the ladies.

Evolution is rubbed in the face of the religious audience, as throughout the cartoons the Pokemon evolved into bigger, tougher and frankly better creatures. I wonder if Christian families knew that they were accidentally teaching their children the Theory of Evolution. Seriously, Ash might as well wondered onto the screen, sat down and read the Origin of Species page by page.

3. Invincibility
Is this one such a bad thing? I mean a collection of cartoons promoted this, from Superman to Tom and Jerry. But the answer is yes, as the amount of claims Pokemon intices children to go along with, can be daunting. Mostly thanks to Team Rocket and their antics. For example, setting people on fire thanks to a jet of flames, won't just give you burnt-black face or disgruntled look, it'll burn you and probably melt your face off.

Can you imagine a child seeing a bonfire and jumping in it because they think that all they'll gain out of it is a powdered soot smudged across their face? Or, a more realistic one, a child sticking their finger in a socket because they're expecting their hair to stick up and a yellow glow to surround them whilst they vibrate slightly. But none of this matters if you get hurt, 'cause you can just pop down the local shop, and buy a potion that sprays onto you to make you better. The magic of science. Maybe I'm being slightly emphatic about this, but its basic general knowledge a child should know that these things will probably kill you. Depends how easily influenced the child is I guess...

Well, this is bullshit.

4. Leaving home young
The ever pubecent Ash travels across region upon region of the Pokemon world, meeting new friends and having adventures. Let's face it, he's having a whale of a time, like a pig in shit. Just to think, all of this adventure started when he was just ten years old, he got a Pikachu for a present, and off he went into the big wide world. Wait. He was ten? At that age my home was my world, the loft seemed to be a new adventure for me and Ash is leaving home and making friends with people like Brock.

The creators say when they first met, Brock was seventeen. Can you imagine a ten and an obviously horny seventeen year old hanging out together alone? One year later and the police would be onto Brock. Besides if this is promoting leaving home at an early age, kids all over the globe must have been influenced to have some independence and fly from the nest, attracting all kinds of people and pedophiles to them. No wonder we have a rise of homeless children in the UK when things like this were being shown to us as a child and being portrayed as fun. In some cases, that's all it takes if a child's domestic life is abusive or traumatic.

And you know what, all these points I've just made, mean nothing. Pokemon was awesome, and still is. Infact I might break out my Game boy and enjoy some animal-imprisoning, homeless atheism right now. I'm gonna choose the Squirtle and fuck Brock's Onix up...

Let's do this...

4 different types of lecturer/teacher in schools and universities...

2012-03-27T11:00:00.002-07:00

Our brain is what seperates our species from other animals, unless you were bought up by wolves and taught their wolfy ways. However since most of us don't live in the Jungle Book, it's likely at some point you went to school and were taught the ways of a sophisticated sort by another human, imparting knowledge to our knowledge hungry brains to be able to function appropriately in this world. However although they get paid an honest wage and get more weekly holidays than a club rep, some of them still manage to pick up traits that mould their personalities into the following four different types of lecturer/teacher in schools and universities, which is neither good nor bad, it's just the way they are...

No, we don't need you anymore.

1. The Flamboyant
The classroom can be a dull place to be, with people's work pinned up like trophies on every wall and uncomfortable plastic chairs cradling your behind, it's not somewhere you want to be for very long. Anything to make the time go faster is welcome, the clock barely moves everytime a glance is taken at it. But luckily, this type of teacher can actually light up a classroom and make it seem...fun, and run that clock down 'til the bell. No, they aren't Time Lord, just a man or woman, however they'll keep your mind and eyes occupied with their theatrical nature.

Flailing their arms and making physical gestures with their hands, The Flamboyant will have you staring at the flacid movement they incorporate within the teaching plan that has been set for them to try and add a bit of sass to the experience. With a perpetual smile and fast paced talking, the time will pass almost instantaneously, although half the time you won't remember what's been said as the off Topic comments or personal stories that he/she tells will be the only thing in your head. If you want to learn, this probably isn't the type for you, but you'll love them nevertheless.

Psychographics: Probably teaches the arts or humanities of some kind, but will always be dramatic and camp what ever subject they teach. A very sociable and lovable character with a passion for conversation, this person refuses to be an adult and will continue to act on his childish nature for a long time to come.

You'd get more enthusiasm from this guy.

2. The Mid-Life Crisis
I can imagine the world of teacher to be pretty darn stressful, with the pressures of marking coursework and preparing repetitive lessons, it's not exactly hard to see why some teachers fall into this category of The Mid-Life Crisis. Balding, hopeless in love and barely a social life outside the school is only three things that may trigger their enthusiasm for teaching to be blunted. Bringing problems to work is only going to exacerbate the miserable feeling and will make the students either sympathise, or seize the opportunity.

Pricks in every classroom will use their saddened state to wreak havoc on other pupils and take advantage to trash the tables and chairs, with out being stopped. To be honest, if a teacher is this depressed, they shouldn't even be there. The next time a teacher just walks in and slumps on his chair with head in hands, simply get up, and walk out. There is no point of either of you being there if the teacher can't physically teach. They'll have to learn that calling in sick to work is the easiest way to amend their clinical state and give us students the time off we deserve... ;)

Psychographics: Probably mid-40's and going through some serious trauma in their personal life, The Mid-Life Crisis is pretty self explanitory really.

3. The Bore
The most traditional and tedious of all types of teacher, The Bore goes to extreme lengths to make sure learning turns you suicidal. The humourless slow speech and old fashioned ways of teaching create a stale atmosphere in the classroom that will help you drift off into a day-dreaming sleep after staring into space for the past half an hour. Being abruptly awoken by a loud chant of your name from their bellowing, boring voice, you'll realise that it wasn't a nightmare; this shit is real.

"Suddenly I don't look so bad"

The piercing eyes and constant stare towards the class will make you sit in silence and immobilise all hope of learning anything. How they actually get employed is beyond me, it's actually like they have never had any fun in their whole life, and don't plan to start...

Psychographics: Mostly male, they take teaching VERY seriously. Alone most of the time, they wander this Earth moaning and whining about every detail that upsets them...which is EVERYTHING. He most probably has a fish for a pet, and stares at it for hours as a part of his daily routine, which he sticks to religiously. Ugh, they're both as pointless as each other (EARLIER POST)...

4. The Substitute
Now I must admit, this is my personal favourite type of teacher, I'm not normally bias but this is an exception right here, because The Substitute is by far the best teacher a student could want. They're basically a stand-in that doesn't know much or anything about the subject they're teaching, and frankly, they just want to go home. Think of it as a vacation from learning but you still have the attendance mark put in. The Substitute rarely gives a shit about what he's saying or doing, they just go with the flow of the class and joins in with conversation on occassion. It's like having another mate around.

I have love for this type of teacher. I am actually impressed of how they convince the school that they are a suitable candidate to step in for the regular teacher. Now that's a job interview I'd like to see, the qualifications for the job must be an admittance slip to a mental hospital and a birth certificate, it has to be.

Psychographics: Barely cares about what they're faced with,as long as they get the pay check and are able to go home. Legends...

3 things you should never do at a festival...

2012-03-20T08:44:00.004-07:00

'SUP.

Hello! I've been away for awhile, mainly because my computer decided to pack up, right in the middle of an assignment deadline too, which was courteous of it. But I'm back! More fuelled then ever to bitch about Topics. ;)

Festival season is upon us, with massive stretches of stage and musicians, the ground rumbles with the sound of jumping feet and bass guitars. I myself plan to go Reading festival, and I'm going to get so drunk, I won't remember anything that happens. Money well spent. However although your freedom to do absoloutely anything at these places is frankly AMAZING, there are some things that staying clear of will not only enhance your enjoyment, but could save your life. For the most part, anyway. So I give you the three things you should never do at a festival, no matter how tempting it may seem...

1. Use the showers
Aaah yes, there's nothing like a long, hot, steamy shower to start your day, the feeling as the hot water beats upon your skin is bliss. It wakes you up, soothes your aches, and if you're at a festival, will make you wish you were dry as the Sahara desert. The showers at a festival are fucking disgusting. Limescale clogs up the pipes, the water has tinge of brown to it's colouring and the smell coming up from drain is enough to make a pig gag. It must be more sanitary to dive in a mud pit where a mosh has taken place earlier in the day, rolling around in that filth would be considerably more hygenic than letting that water touch skin.

"Cleanliness, is next to godliness"

People will argue the fact that the showers are dirty, as they are probably the ones who can be bothered to trek miles away from their camps to use the filthy things, and don't want to admit they were wrong. Baby wipes and dry shampoo are the way foward here, they will get you clean quickly and are easier to get to since they're actually in your tent. Besides, isn't the point of being at a festival to get dirty and a valiant excuse to not wash anyway? Clean people are just not gaining the full experience...

2. Arrive at a stage late
Musicians barely start on time which ever you gig you go to, but at festivals, it's tradition for the band to start a little late to keep the anticipation of the crowd growing. You may think of this point to be an excuse of relaxing and arriving a little late to your favourite band's perfoming area, expecting everyone else to be as lazy as you. Don't be that guy.

2 hours before Foo Fighters take to the stage...

Thousands of people attend festivals, therefore the crowd's capacity will reach it's max within the first hour before the band even comes on, you'll be at the back of the crowd trying to leap on peoples shoulders just to get a glimpse of your idols. Pushing through dense crowds of people to get to the front isn't on the agenda either, as you have to be stupidly strong or ridiculously famous for people to let you past and chances are, you're neither. You'll most likely just end up staring at the big screen and let's face it, you could have done that at home.

3. Get naked
Now this is a provocative one, but necessary none the least, as a tendency to get drunk at festivals is a tradition. I know, I'm going to do it myself. But one thing I will restrain from doing, is shedding my clothes no matter how intoxicated my fragile brain may be. The garments lost at festivals is staggering, t-shirts, trousers, sunglasses (ALWAYS the sunglasses) and underwear are all stripped of by one's self in the formidable heat of the summer and sweat boxes of crowds, in an attempt to cool down whilst you dance.

Firstly, that doesn't make sense. They're moving anyway, making blood pump around the body and their pores to open so they naturally sweat. Do you really think removing a tiny bit of cloth will help cool down? These people are not your friends. Secondly, the exception of totally sweaty people is not an exception at all, if your t-shirt sticks to you whilst you sweat, don't wear one in the first place! A private strip tease isn't in order for us to see, we don't want to view your eternal struggle to pull the soaking shirt over your head and then fling the excess drips of sweat at our faces. Others will think it's raining. And lastly, the clothes will be lost, why spend tons of money on brands such DrySuper and LaurenRalph when it's just going to end up getting lost and used by a hobo as a pillow.

Salty...

5 video games that instantly make you cool...

2012-03-04T15:00:00.003-08:00

Now personally, I don't play video games. I don't even own a console that isn't at least ten years old, all these sequels of game platforms can suck out, my N64 will always be top of the pile (I LOVE YOU MARIO). However out of all the games I have played round other people's houses and at ComicCon etc, give the basis of what it means to be 'cool' in today's society.Whether you have an awesome job, a lovable personality or look cooler than a snowman with a cap on backwards, all these games either meet aspirations in one's own mind or in other people's eyes. So, without further ado, I give you 5 video games that instantly make you cool, even if in your own life you're nothing but a tragic loser...

Living proof that anyone can be famous

1. Guitar Hero
Musicians are a collection of the coolest breed of human known to man, their ability to play an instrument and make us sit there and do nothing but listen is outstanding. Prettiness doesn't even come into play if you're musically talented, just ask Seasick Steve. What a sight. It might also be the reason why almost all average shmos dream of being on stage performing to a massive crowd jumping at your jaunty tunes; the reason Guitar Hero is on this list.

This game let's you be that rockstar without even leaving your room, it acquires virtually no effort than just to sit on your sofa and press some colour coded buttons when they appear on screen. Granted, some people around the world are gifted at this video game, there are thousands of Youtube clips that enable them to show of their button and strumming skills, and they're worthy skills indeed, but nothing compared to the real thing. You aren't really creating music, just playing along with it as another artist intended, but in that sense it's why you become cool. Others and yourself will be able to sing along with the tunes blearing out of your tv set and the satisfaction that it is you who is providing this merriment makes you instantly popular. Even if you are playing on easy difficulty...

2. Left For Dead
Zombies are nothing more than cheap film and video game fodder that production companies use as enemies for unlikely protagonists to easily kill and become heroes. Let's face it, if we're talking about Romero's species of zombie, they are slow, mindless and easy to run away from. They're a worse version of human beings.

However after 28 Days Later, that all changed. They can now run. Think. Punch and kick, all in all, a much more terrifying opponent. I'm scared already, and Left For Dead played on this new zombie emergent including them in a video game where the player IS one of the survivors. Genius.
This game gives the player a chance to be in a zombie apocalypse where the zombies are actually a threat. They feel inclined to save their team members, grow their leadership skills and battle with bravery to conquer fears. Virtually, of course. You put yourself inthe middle of a horrific experience and become the hero of the day. Now that is cool. Going around decapitating the evil horde with a frying pan is going to make you look awesome and chances are you'll probaby get the girl, and save the human race from extinction. Phwoar...

3. World of Warcraft
I know what you're thinking, how can this game make anyone look cool. You're paying monthly to live a seperate life as a gnome or some sort of fantasy creature that is able to cast spells and fight dragons. But trust me, it does. Not to regular people who don't cyber shop and actually have physical contact with other humans, but to the other millions of WoWsies that play online you're going to look ice cold.

If you're a level 80 on this game, you will be loved by all the relm and dramatically better than level 10 n00bs (I can't believe I just used the word n00bs. Apologies.) who have just started the game. Think of it as a democracy run by class system, the better you're doing in society's eyes, the better life you'll have. Questing and slaying monsters will have girls around the world begging for men to enter a forum with them, or share a cheeky video chat on Skype, either way, this game will make you popular with other players and may even find you love with the opposite sex, or the same sex, depending what you're in too...

"I now pronounce you, Goblin and Goblin. You may kiss the Goblin".

4. Spyro
Many 1-player platform games hold the same techniques and tendencies Spyro does, but this game makes you cool for a different reason... you're a skateboarding purple dragon.

That is all.

5. Call Of Duty
Guns and violence are a concoction of ingredients that create a video game with popularity and an oppurtunity to shoot things without the consequences, such as death. War is never pretty to share nor watch, let alone be involved in however COD, as it's ofishly abbreviated , has the gamers hooked by the millions around the globe.

Respawning after death means no one will win this war.

Anyone remotely considered cool or gnarly to a surfer dude plays the latest Call Of Duty and is good at it. With awards for headshots and killstreaks, this game brings war to life and turns your living room into a battlefield as you emerge yourself within the life of soldier, and you're not alone. Literally. That's what makes this game cool, the fact that you aren't the only one playing it. You feel comforted to know that you aren't the only person out there not feeling bad or being discriminated for shooting a foreigner in the face. Unless you have a headset, in which case, prepare for abuse...

3 calendar dates that drive the public insane

2012-02-29T14:29:00.003-08:00

Merry Leap Year everybody! It feels strange looking at a calendar and seeing a number on a month that isn't supposed to be there, but I guess thats what February's all about, Leap Years and pancakes. Delicious, delicious pancakes. But back to today's Topic, holidays are the days of the year that people rejoice their love for each other and share this bountiful day of freedom in celebration of something. However, there are some days that mean nothing, they're just there either from tradition, or to annoy and gently pillage the public into giving. There may be reasons behind these days, but celebrations in the modern world have changed nowadays, and evolved in to a pain in society's backside. The following is a simple list of three calendar dates that drive people insane, perhaps this'll shed some light on how crazy these days are...

1. Halloween
"As of some one gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door". Edgar Allen Poe saw it coming. Kids await Halloween night like it's the coming of the Messiah, the whole idea of slapping on ridiculous clothes and make-up, only to then go up to adults to attempt to terrify the shit out of them in exchange for candy is a child's fantasy. I know, I was a child once. But once all grown up, we tend to find the concept rather daunting, as it now unsuprisingly scares the shit out of us. But it's not the children who tend to do the scaring, on their part they are just an irritation begging for sugary treats, think of the little tykes as midget homeless people on their way to fancy dress gatherings. You pity them and hand them candy. Or rather have to, as the fright comes from their intimidating older brother/sister standing next to them, making sure they are protected from any candy stealing hoodlums. The obvious expression of them not wanting to be there and the anger that the sibling is getting something (even though they'll probably steal it from them anyway) and they aren't, can only result in one thing. Rage.

Never give them an apple.

After midnight and the small ones are in bed, they'll head out in packs to the houses that either rejected their family candy or which ever owner gave them a dirty look to egg your house and trash your front lawn. Now THIS is terrifying. All that effort trying to scare us with zombie face painting is nothing compared to the threat of a bike coming through your window. Halloween's main fear factor is now from teenagers, not ghouls and goblins. Unlike the Twilight saga, who's teenagers seem to glimmer rather than tear people's throats out. (SEE AN EARLIER POST).

2. Easter
Chocolate is awfully tasty and as many of you know, it melts in your mouth and is an aphrodisiac. It's THAT good. But everytime Easter comes around, chocolate suddenly becomes a necessity and gateway to a diabetic problem. We consume more cocoa eggs and bunnies over the Easter period than three years worth of chocolate compared to the average intake we would usually have. That isn't fact. I made it up, but I'm sure if I could be bothered to research it would have a similar jist.

We all become greedy on Easter (Pancake Day for the pancakes, St Patrick's day for the drink etc etc) and find it nessecary to eat tons of chocolate, even though that day isn't any more special than any other day according to our bodies. Jesus may have something to say about that, but our sugar and fat intake doesn't measure things by how long ago a guy may or may not have arisen from the dead. It lives in the present and as an organism, and presently, your fattening yourself up with Easter treats and piling on the pounds so for the next couple of weeks you'll be waddling instead of walking. In addition, Lindt make a fortune out of you...

"I'm gonna mess with your insides"

3. Valentine's Day
I love you. Them three words mean something, well should mean something when people say them and not just blotted about randomly when ever felt like it. It toys with feelings and prevokes emotion, so when said, it should also be shown. Three hundred and sixty five days a year. Not one. Are you catching my drift?

Your girlfriend's special to us, too.

Valentine's day is a commercial way getting couples and desperate single people to part with cash in hoping to either obtain some kind of affection from another human being and nothing more. Nothing changes on this day, your relationship is still in the same place it has always been and, unless it's a landmark date in your personal entwined lives, it's not really significant personally. It's just an excuse to go out for a meal, pay double the price as any other week day and to buy cheap crap from Clinton Cards that he/she's only going to throw out eventually anyway. Seeing couples go mad on Valentine's day makes me want to tear my eyes out and feel sympathy...for his wallet.

4 items of clothing no man should ever wear in public...

2012-02-27T14:28:00.006-08:00

There is no time for emotion...

Men. It seems that as a species our clothing knowledge is rather depeleted compared to women, who manage to somehow pull off and look beautiful in anything. Or nothing at all. But we can't seem to get a grip of the fashion world, whether it's because we simply don't care about clothes or that we try to dress badly on purpose to annoy wives and girlfriends, either way, we suck at being fashionable. Even male models can't wear clothes without looking like mannequins who just came out of a prostate exam. But some men go to the extreme and make most men look bad across the world, therefore, I give you the four clothing items no man should ever wear in public, and for god sake guys, read and learn...ALSO I have done this question thing at the bottom, I've tagged some people, but if I haven't, leave your answers in the comment box too! :)

1. Tank Tops
I don't care how hot it is, or how big your rippling guns may be, you look like a dick if you wear a tank top. Promoting half a shirt is only saying you belong on a basketball court or you can't afford sleeves, and neither is particulary impressive unless you're actually playing basketball. T shirts aren't exactly that expensive with massive chains such as CostCo and Primark around, I'm sure people could afford a t-shirt that doesn't expose the top of a chest and collar bone, a simple crew neck would suffice. The worst kind of tank tops are ones that stick tight to the skin of men, showing every bulge and every pound of fat that caressess their body. Even the nipples come out to say hello to disgusted passers by, and they're only looking at them because of the twat-like nature screaming from the vest that's blatantly too small. Wear tank tops to bed, or burn them...

Psychographics: This guy has watched too many 50 Pence and M&M videos that he automatically thinks tank tops are acceptable, or he actually thinks he's from the hood. He's most likely athletic in the art of sports or in a band. Rock band members always seem to wear XL tank tops with some sort of graphic design on them...

Another photo, ruined.

2. Ugg Boots
Basically a glorified slipper, Ugg boots have recently sprung up across the world in their millions, and at £170 a go, they aren't exactly the cheapest of footwear neither. A slipper from Australia doesn't really make much sense since it's baking hot nearly every month of the year out there. But that isn't what this post is about, no way. It's about men. Men in Ugg boots. I've seen it, and I nearly vomitted everywhere. They're in the girl's section of a shop for a reason, brace yourself...they're meant for girls, 'cause girls like that fluffy, comfy kind of clothing and footwear, as it reminds them of teddies and girly stuff. But if you're a guy, you should be into football, and err, sharp things...playing to a stereotypes isn't proving my point here. If you know a guy who wears a pair of Ugg boots, make him eat sand until he throws them in the river, or if you're a girl, make him give them to you. He'll understand.

Psychographics: I don't really want to say they'll most probably be gay, because that's an assumption, but there's a good chance they might be. A very good chance. Either that or he's a straight guy who probably ironically loves fashion and celebrity magazines, and girls, if you find this guy you are the luckiest woman on this planet...

"I hope they burn your legs"

3. Leather trousers
Sweating is the most natural of occurrences when either hot, embarassed or nervous, and in leather pants, you'll be experencing all three of these feeling simultaneously. Scrotums everywhere must fear the dreaded legs-shaped dead cow, simply because of the sweaty heat that is about to be bestowed on them, and through them sweating like a lamb in a slaughterhouse comes the second problem, they'll stick. 'Til the end of time. People wear these things once and then cut them off with scissors hem by hem. The moisture makes them expand, then when they cool, it'll retract back to a smaller size moulding into the shape of your legs and hips. Just to think, the most expensive trousers you've ever bought will now be a part of you forever like that hideous parasite out of Spiderman 3. Just don't sit on any leather sofas, or it'll sound like the most massive fart everytime you move, and that's just nasty...

Psychographics: Stereotypically classed as 'Indie', these people listen to soft prog rock, lay about all day then go to concerts at night. Giving labels to certain groups of people is wrong, but the best way to describe them. If you don't know what Indie means, see this:

www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=indie

Explanations are not my thing.

4. Bodywarmers

It's cold, but you have no sleeves...WELL DONE.

Psychographics: Cold. As Fuck.

Bellend.

QUESTIONS! :)

Tagged:

Itin, Hassel, Craig Cantrell , Sujana.

1. Favourite song?

2. Dance move of the century?

3. The best Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle?

4. The yummiest cereal?

5. If you could make up one line in a song, what would it be?

6. How hungry are you right now?

7. Interesting fact about yourself?

8. Is the head of your bed facing away or toward your door?

9. If you could be animal, which animal would it be?

10. Favourite internet meme?

11. Probability of you actually fowarding this quiz thing? Out of 10, 1 being lowest.

Please repost the rules of this tagging game:

· Post 11 random things about yourself.

· Answer the tagged questions.

· Create 11 new questions for the people you tag to answer.

5 of the most pointless pets to own..

2012-02-22T11:49:00.001-08:00

Owning a pet is basically telling people you are lonely in your own species and need to connect with some other form of companion to achieve social satisfaction. That's why I have a cat. However there are some animals that aren't as cute or playful as an adorable kitty, yet some people insist on buying animals that become ornaments rather than something to enjoy or interact with. Therefore, this blog post is for you people out there who buy the most pointless pets to own, hopefully it will make you think differently about your useless companion...

1. Fish
It stares at you in the murky depth of his bowl. It can see into your soul, ever gliding through the water searching for it's next meal. And that's all it'll ever do. Fish are fundamentally the most boring creatures on this planet, they don't show any affection, any emotion or make any noise. They are simply decoration. Expensive decoration too, filters and tanks can cost hundreds of pounds, as well as the decoration in the tank. So that's a decoration, in a decoration. I'll stop typing decoration now. All to keep this floating, scaly bore happy, even though happiness is an emotion way too complex for his undeveloped brain.

It'd look better with chips.

The only thing I can think of comparing a fish to is a Tamagotchi, the pocket video game that had a pixelated animal on the screen that you had to feed and clean or it'd die. The description is uncanny. Both give absoloutely no affection to their owner and are simply there to perish. Infact, that's the only time you feel anything for these things, when they die, only even that's pointless, as when they were living they didn't give you anything in the first place so there's technically nothing for you to cry over. You'd just have laid out a ridiculous amount of money to feel sad and unsatisfied. No wonder you win these things at funfairs.

2. Hamsters
They are exceptionally adorable, however hamsters are more trouble when they're worth. Firstly, there's the smell. Dogs may smell occasionally, but at least they can jump in the bath for a quick soak before people come round for tea and scones (stereotypically British beverage right there). The hamster's woft of mess and sawdust will linger in your house always, as the cage is in your house. You could put it outside, but then comes the second reason that a hamster is pointless; it'll catch something, and eventually die.

"Please tell me you've washed your hands"

Most probably about a week after buying it. They don't last, you won't even grow an attachment to it before it becomes nothing but a perfect candidate to be part of a fur scarf. They catch illness quickly and don't have a strong enough immune system to deal with the bacteria or disease, so it just essentially gives up. Either that or you'll be the one to kill it, as they are small and fragile and it's only a matter of time before it gets sucked up the vacuum nozzle or crushed by it's wheel in the cage. But before they do this selfish act of death, they'll annoy you one last time. They breed like, rabbits? Of course this is impossible if it's alone, but most hamster owner's won't buy one hamster, they'll get one for both of the children, or feel sorry for the solitary loner and buy a companion for it (the irony). Next thing they'll be on top of each other rampantly fucking and hamster babies will be everywhere. You could sell them, but then the cycle starts all over again round somebody else's house.

3. Spiders
These are disgusting. I'm sorry, but those who own a spider out there, just release it in the garden right now. Make a thing of it, release it in the fashion of a prison escape and film it like the ending of The Shawshank Redemption and post it on YouTube. Likes and comments from real people are worth more than these things, even if it's hate and trolling. Feeding them live insects is just one of the most cruel but also revolting things the owner has to do, another is actually looking at the thing without feeling terrified it's going to get out and crawl under your duvet at night. I don't even want to write about these anymore, typing the word spider is making me feel all tingly and wrong. Eeeewwwww, so many shudders.

'sup.

4. Any bird species
Birds have wings for a reason, to fly. If you own a caged bird, depriving it of it's natural life pattern of emigrating will drive the bird mentally ill. Why do you think they stare in mirrors and think it's company? They're already insane and it's your fault. It's antics during the day are nothing more than to eat trill, talk to itself and chirp so loud that a blanket has to be put over it's face to quiet down.

Sure they look pretty and colourful, and you can tease cats if you like that kind of thing, but this animal will do nothing but keep you up all night long with it's excessive noise and turn your kitchen into a trill factory.The bags bought from the pet store are huge, seriously, you will never run out, no bird is that hungry and obese.

5.Snails

*silence*

What is the point of you?

4 of the most annoying things to wait for, ever.

2012-02-19T14:07:00.004-08:00

Waiting. The most boring of human verbs. Even more boring than moving, and that's pretty standard, to, y'know, live. However as strenuous for the legs and mind as it can be, waiting is a massive part of our lives and we have to tolerate it, because everything in life doesn't fit to our schedule. Therefore, the following is a list of the most tedious things to wait for. Ever... Comment if you can think of a worse one!

1. Loading screens
Technology has advanced the world into a new a form of waiting: the waiting for the programs to load. Unlike humans, programs cannot be urged on or poked until they move and stop being lazy as they are random segments of code, which makes this one all the more irritating as your dependance on machines plays evidently in the fruition of you wanting to be entertained. Whether it's a DVD, video game or a buffering YouTube video, these hypothetical egg timers make you want to throw your monitor out of the window as it stops you from achieveing satisfaction from the program and all of it's glorious binary contents. Face it, if you want entertainment, it'll be at your machine's accord, not yours.

I bet this is what The Terminator sees when masturbating.

How to deal with it: Buy newer, faster technology that will help speed up the loading process. Or avoid it all together and play Scrabble.

Annoyance rating: 4/10

2. Doctor's appointments
You're ill and out of your reluctance you've had to rely on a qualified person in medicine to give you a good once over to find any anomolies that may admit you to an early death. Now you're terrified. You're impending doomsday information could only be seconds away. Or minutes. Or hours. Most probably hours. To make matters worse as well as being a sick puppy, doctors insist on keeping people in that waiting room with other sick people for the longest time possible, hoping that by merging each others sicknessess you'll create a cure for cancer and find the meaning of life. There may be a back log of patients, but booking a specific time, means I want to be seen on the time, that I booked. If you went to a restaraunt, booked a table and had to wait two hours before you got your prawn cocktail starter, you'd be pissed and feel cheated. At least if you have to wait in restaraunts they have today's paper and not POP magazine dated from five years ago to keep me occupied. Ooh, Britney Spears is pregnant...

How to deal with it: Find out the lunch time of the doctors and book your appointment straight after they have lunch, then you'll be first on the list for the second half of their day. Smart, eh? ;)

Annoyance rating: 7/10

3. Food
As I said before, if you "had to wait two hours before you got your prawn cocktail starter, you'd be pissed and feel cheated". Spoken like a true prodigy. Food is a terribly annoying aspect of this blog post, as it is one of the most self satisfying of all of the topics that I've complained about, therefore also the most painful to wait for. Everything from slow waiters (the irony in that job title is astounding) to hour-long cooking times boils my blood to a state of it being cooked itself. Mmm, tasty blood soup.

"I'll have what he's having"

One of the main reasons waiting for meals sucks so hard is that it's unavoidable, food has to be cooked or you'll simply get ill and die. Well, not always, but charring it to an edible state will keep away the bacteria nasties such as salmonella and E-Coli. And let's face it, nobody wants one of them jittering around in their bloodstream or stomach. Well, I don't anyway, but there's a fetish for everything nowadays...

How to deal with it: Not alot you can do really, just suck it up and wait. Or you could go to McDonalds and get a fast cooked McFat burger with some McFries and McApple Pie, if you find the road to a slow obesity problem appealing.

Annoyance rating: 8/10

4. Buses
Buses. The bane of my life, and I'm sure I'm not alone on this one. At some point in our lives, we have been without the luxury of an automobile or fast-moving train (stuff that actually gets you to your destination on time) and have had to take the bus. This grand hunk of machinery moseys along stop by stop picking up people either without other means of transport or who are unable/too lazy to walk absoloutely anywhere. This explanation probably wasn't needed, however I feel the concept of a bus needed to be laid out as clear as possible, as they simply do not stick to their criteria. It doesn't count as a plausible service when you have been waiting at a bus stop for the last half an hour and the bus rolls up twenty minutes late, looking casual and not hurried. The bus driver has made no effort to keep schedule. The wheels look fine, no sign of an accident or wrong turn. The engine runs smoothly, well, as smooth as it can do. And still, you have made me and every person here wait for no reason at all except the bus driver's laziness...WHY BE SE SO SELFISH!? It's blistering cold outside and everybody just needs to get in the warmth and pay ridiculous fares, just so you can chauffer our arses around slowly, and still you turn up late. I'm sorry for the angry nature of this one, but wow, buses suck vast amounts of penis...

How to deal with it: Pray. Pray it comes before you die of frostbite.

Annoyance rating: 10/10

I feel you bro.

4 movie character duos that should have been made into TV sitcoms...

2012-02-12T10:18:00.001-08:00

Character development is one of the most important aspects in a fictional medium, getting audiences to relate and learn about the people's lives featured is the way a connection is made by the actors on screen and the viewers. Apart from people who watch Twilight, who just seem to gawk in a zombiefied state, rather than interact (see an earlier post).

"I swear, one more cat litter bag and I'm gonna snap"

Through this subconscious bond comes character pairings that stand out in a film's narrative that grab the attention of the audience, by either making them laugh or give aspiration that they themselves could find someone to share the relationship the characters have on screen. And through this, comes a missed opportunity by television networks, to prey on the characters shown and expand them into small screen activists that the viewers can watch every week on their tiny screens. Or massive screens, depending whether they work in retail or not. Therefore I give you the four movie character duos that should have been made into TV sitcoms, respectively...

1. Dr Sheila and Allen Gamble (The Other Guys)
A mismatch made in heaven between a pimp and a nurse as they met due to Allen getting an allergic reaction rash to poison ivy on his ass. This shit writes itself. The early years between these two would have clawed in the ratings in as the prequel to The Other Guys showing the day to day life of this average, plain couple.

It would attract every psyche of televison critic, from the straight minded male who believe a woman's place is in the kitchen and casual domestic abuse due to Allen's distinct traditional views on being a husband; whilst on the other hand middle class white women would sympathise with Eva Mendes' character, or even relate to it as she struggles to please her husband in every which way. Comedy, drama and romance would ensue, not to mention the amazing secondary characters such as the seemingly perverse message-delivering grandmother.

This sitcom would have everything. But did a network pick it up? LIKE HELL THEY DID. Maybe developing and promoting an abusive relationship on television may have gained them alot of protesters, but they'd gain alot of followers too. C'mon Fox, this seems like the kind of show you would broadcast...

Glorious television...

2. WALL-E and the cockroach (WALL-E)

It seems strange how two seemingly sub-human characters can feel so...human. But then again I guess that's what Disney does best, apart from making us weep like fair maidens. The chemistry between these two is outstanding, with an almost father-son relationship being promoted as the audiences watch WALL-E push him about like he's an insect or something. Oh... Plus the added on going theme of "cockroaches could survive a nuclear explosion" could run throughout the series, even promoting some super-powered capabilities, shifting the power balance between them both. I should be a writer.

It is frustrating that Disney and Pixar would make small animated shorts about lamps and spunk their bank account on Hannah Montana's new up and coming series than concentrate on small but exceptionally fun traites such as these. The Disney channel is just dying for a new lease of life since the High School Musical class have now finally hit puberty, so why not invest in something that everyone can enjoy, rather than, err, no one?

3. Filtch and Mrs Norris (Harry Potter Series)
Why is the cat married anyway? Surely it would be Miss Norris, wouldn't it, Filtchy? You dirty bastard. Beastiality aside, the lovable couple who play a minor role in the first half of the series, then seem to vanish of the face of the earth, would drag in audiences by the millions with their comedy sketches and everyday endeavours. I'm guessing their purpose would be to catch that pesky Potter and his minions whenever they were up to no good, giving an array of plot lines to be executed upon. He was terribly frightening in the first two films, giving off a creepy "I'm gonna getcha" vibe, soiling the pants of young folk everywhere, and putting the scary back into children's films as it had it's break from the nineties.

Nineties villains resembled Robert De Niro in some way, 9/10.

But the biggest hook of these two? It has a cat in it, and people simply, adore, cats. No philisophy or psychology involved, cats are just mega cute, and even though Norris had red eyes, people would see past her blatent contacts to tune in and watch her as she tries to catch the pupils. Think of it as Scooby-Doo, without the stoner...

4. Vincent and Jules (Pulp Fiction)
Now this would be something. An interracial criminal duo who work for a drug kingpin and take care of, "business". Plus you get Samuel L. Jackson's many, many quotes to work with. It's a guaranteed winner, with a ready made audience in the millions of people who have watched and re-watched Pulp Ficiton over and over again just because in the original film they made such a good pairing. Clumsily blowing Marvin's face off and arguing who should pick up skull is just a prime example of the situations these two could be put in. For example, mopping a blood stained floor, or meeting Jules' mum together (que the black woman stereotype). It all fits together like a pretty jigsaw puzzle and would round it off nicely, like this blog post does....

Hold on to your butts...

Oh I'm sorry, did I break your concentration?

3 of the worst types of room mate nobody wants to live with...

2012-02-09T13:37:00.001-08:00

I'm currently at university and live alone for the time being, however next year, I am inclined to share the facilities with...other humans. Just think: the same lavatory, the same kitchen appliances, the same soap. Really hoping not the same soap. I don't know how we'll divide the bills or choose the rooms, but I do know this, the people moving in with me aren't any of the following that are about to bestow your eyes, as the list commencing, are the three different types of people you DO NOT want as a room mate. If they were one of the following, I'd rather live under a bridge like a hideous troll...

"I've never seen Vapour rub used like that before..."

1. The Horny One

Quiet is valued by everyone with a need to have some time recite their thoughts or concentrate on an important task, such as work, recreational activities, or masturbation. John Lennon famously quoted "All we are saying is give peace a chance", and he's right, it does help the mind, especially when that peace is quiet. Unfortuantely, some people are less inclined to give quiet peace a chance, as hormones seem to over rule this type of room mate's mind, with an insatiable appetite for constant pounding, but that's not the worst problem that rears it's ugly head out of this sticky situation (sorry about the euphemism). People generally amplify their noise levels when doing something they enjoy, it's natural, we can't help it and sex is rather enjoyable to say the least. Moaning and groaning coming from the room next door is going to not only penetrate the wall, but also your ear drums (again, I'm really really sorry). This fiendish slut may bring several partners home, each having their own distinctive bellow that you'll have to deal with, creating a symphony of sexual swear words and distinguished grunts that will eventually drive you to insanity. It's all you'll be able to think about, you'll get no sleep and worst of all, you'll have to sacrifice your quiet time with music to drown out the sounds of pleasure. Or dismay, depending how sexually adequate the Horny One is, and with that much practice, he/she must be getting better everyday.

How to deal with it: Put up with it with some blearing music or simply tell the Horny One straight to shut the fuck up, don't let them ruin your quiet (same goes for Music Blearers, who are not included in this post because the other two, are worse...). Then again, I suppose if you're masturbating it could help you...

Annoyance rating: 7/10

2. The Wannabe Cook

Cooking can be a chore, being that it's time consuming and effort to prepare healthy, nutritional meals that are going to sustain your belly rumbles. The chopping, the dicing, the oiling, the WAITING, ugh, so much hard work devoured in seconds by your ability to eat meals in minutes. But for this species of room mate, it's a necessity for them to cook michelin star meals that taste superb and take hours to bake. Recipe books are stacked on their shelves to get new ideas of how to piss you off when all you want is a sandwich. Take this following dish, taken from the BBC's recipe web page:

"Herbed salmon on a bed of lentils, honey-roasted sea trout on a potato galette with smoked salmon scotch eggs, smoked salmon and micro herb salad".

WARNING: If you know what a galette is without Googling, you may be a Wannabe Cook. This is the kind of recipe that will attract this room mate into cooking for hours upon hours on end, complete with stinking fresh fish lingering in the air and the amount of space taken up by the preperation equipment and empty food wrappers scattered across the kitchen worktop. You won't be eating for hours. But this isn't the most annoying trend the Wannabe Cook possesses. Can you tell what it is yet? Yep. That's right. They're wannabe's. They can't actually cook, they just like to make a glorious mess and create something emphatic to show off to the rest of the household, even if it tastes vile. Burning things and cutting their own fingers left and right, they make a simple task seem impossible, such as cracking an egg. Their ambition of becoming a master class in the kitchen is nothing more than a faded dream, and someone should tell 'em straight.

How to deal with it: Eat earlier or buy a microwave/slow cooker for your room, eliminate they're annoyance all together. And buy some air freshener for the smell.

Annoyance rating: 6/10

This is your destiny.

3. The Buzz Kill

Living with others can only be fun if the characters surrounding you are easy going and have a singular personality that everyone can have an opinion on. Whether they'll make you laugh, be able to converse in an entertaining manner or even just quietly tolerate each other, these people make your household an enjoyable place to be. But over the horizon comes possibly the most annoying room mate of all: The Buzz Kill. The Buzz Kill will involve themselves with you and your other housemates wrecking every conversation and just frankly boring the crap out of you. Embedding themselves within your activities, The Buzz Kill usually sucks the enjoyment out of any social activity you will part take in, substantially ruining the experience of living with others and crippling you into wanting to be alone in a small house forever. They are basically fun blockers. Anything from their idiotic, not mildly amusing comments to the natural cadence of their voice will drive you to wanting to them punch them in the nose, however you will be restrained as, after all, he/she pays a share of the bills. A fair warning: Never live, with a Buzz Kill.

How to deal with it: Dig yourself an early grave and take many cyanide pills, there is no escape from this demon.

Annoyance rating: 10/10

A more dignified end.

4 Different types of stauses on Facebook....

2012-02-07T04:00:00.000-08:00

"I can use the BookFace too"

Online networking has become the norm for the average man, woman and child nowadays, some infants starting from as young as the age of five, messaging friends about what Elmo got up to this week. It has no doubt grown our society into 'meeting' new people and helped sparked relationships between lonely souls destined to be with each other through pixelated skype calls, however, staring at the News Feed in Facebook, I have noticed how annoying people can be when updating their status to try and grab the attention of friends. This, lads and laddettes, is the four different general types of statuses, you'll find on Facebook...

1. The Punchline
Skimming through every status when you have hundreds of friends wanting your comments and hypothetical likes is rather daunting and tedious when you're trying to keep everyone happy by letting them know you care a little about their lives, so long winded chunks of status are exhausting to read. So Facebookers have come up with an ingenius way of making you laugh, cry or feel any kind emotion by posting short, snappy statements to attract your beady eyes. Think of them as clinical "Punchlines" to make you giggle in the shortest time possible, before you scroll down and forget them forever.

Psychographics : This species of status normally comes from somebody who's mind-numbingly bored, who just wants to make the world laugh and be rewarded by numbers going up on his like counter. He/She's probably just sitting there, waiting for something exciting to happen, staring out the window, watching television, amongst other cliched activities that sound remotely depressing. This person's quick banterful wit, or copy and pasting skills off other websites, is second to none, although the only chance he/she gets to use them is on facebook, and not in the real world, as that is all they know and face-to-face conversation has become obselete. How sad.

Example: "mornings are like marmite, you either hate them, or you're a freak."

"I don't care what they say, I love you"

2. The Informer
Our brain craves knowledge, we simply LOVE knowledge, wanting to learn new things is in our blood and we can't deny it. Wikipedia is our brain's heaven on Earth, when it's not feeding you bullshit. But on the other hand, absorbing the useful knowledge and time-wasting pointless knowledge is a tricky contrast for our brain to distinguish, because it's frankly a knowledge slut that will suck up every gram of information it can get it's slimy brain stems on. And unfortunately, Facebook is full of this useless knowledge. People tend to think that posting stauses telling the world what they're doing, even if the activity is the most the plain and tedious everyday chore, will sustain your crave for information. It doesn't. Nobody actually cares about what they are doing at that very moment, even if they pretend with a patronising like or obligatory comment. They are feeding our brains cheap fodder that we happily digest and it's slowly, but surely, wasting our time on this planet.

Psychographics: This person must have no imagination or think in the most simple, straight manner possible. If they were to write a tale of fiction, it would be 2 paragraphs long and have the literacy and grammar age of a primary school child. In addition, addiction to social networking must have riddled their mind to think people would actually care about how they get along with their everyday lives. It pains me to write the truth, but it must be written...

Example: "just washed the car."

A shit, I could not give.

3. The Philosophical Depressant
Rants and bitching are always fun to read, especially about Topics ;), however bitching over a certain person that you don't know can be extremely straining to keep concentration, as not being able to picture his ugly face may bore you. Infact, it will bore you. Worst still, if the person isn't given a clear description or not mentioned at all, we struggle to comprehend the suffering the statusee seems to be going through. These riddles are easy to solve if you interact with a depressant on a daily basis and know his/her life inside out, but for the rest of the world, we're kept in the dark. This enigma is truly annoying, and almost gut wrenching to read as the person spills their feelings through short prose and starts to become a philosopher to help themselves get through this tough time. Do what ever you need too, 'cause I'm not sympathising with shit. Yeah sure, everybody has problems, but talk to a friend, not your whole Facebook friends list, half of which have forgotten who you are anyway...

Psychographics: This person is certainly in a bad way and is dying for some attention, from anybody, almost crying out for love. My cyber hugs are reserved for people I care about thank you.

Example: "Y r u alwayz lyk dis to me, all i do is luv u and u still h8 me! Y!? :'( oh well there r plentee mor fish in the c <3<3<3<3"

4. The Gamer

A simple, but annoying one....

Psychographic: Bored,loves flashing colours and wants to achieve in life...

Example:

....fuck they're annoying.

5 things that are wrong with Twilight...

2012-02-05T15:18:00.000-08:00

Oh look it's been snowing...ANYWAY I'll be blogging nearly every couple days either when I'm not drunk or having rampant sex to bitch about crap to improve my writing skills. And hopefully you'll read them. Enjoy.

At the beginning of December, Twilight Breaking Dawn part 1 was released in the UK and fed the hungry eyes of teenage girls in every cinema, allowing constant salivating over protagonists and aggressive moaning acceptable in a theatre as the film ends on a cliff-hanger. However as popular as the franchise is, it is clearly blatant to me that some things are just plain wrong with these films morally, leading me to put together five things that are wrong with Twilight, to show people the truth behind these emphatic views of life.

"I get you".

1. Dreamy men are everywhere.
The two main male lead characters in the series are played by Robert Pattinson (Edward) and Taylor Lautner (Jacob), both fine looking blokes with different personalities to satisfy every woman’s needs in the audience. Therefore, people have become inclined to pick sides between the two, disputing a rivalry between infatuate fans of each character; an army of followers, if anything. There is the sensitive, pale, insecure psyche of Edward, to the buff chiselled looks of Jacob, to suit everyone. However, blinded by their hormones and unrealistic casting, girls everywhere in the UK will get a terrible shock when they realise the reality of how men can look and act. Aspiration can be cruel as when these 16 year old girls mingle with boys of their own age, they’ll find the pickings are most likely going to be slim. Replacing the rippled pex is a nice hairy set of man-boobs (moobs, abbreviated), or instead of sensitivity a loud, obnoxious attitude to taking you home for a quick shag. Either way, these two characters are for the most part are nothing more than figments of aspiration and a simple case of wanting something that just plainly isn’t there in the real world. Girls, prepare for disappointment.

2. Trustworthy faces
The dream of running away with a prince is the most famous and cliché of all fairy-tale endings for girls, escaping every part of your own existence as a man whisks you away to live in a big castle with maids answering to your every call. Promoting abduction probably isn’t Twilight’s intentional purpose, however in fronts it prominently right from the very start. Bella (Kristen Stewart) is convinced that the man she has never met before, only gawking at within school hallways is the man to spend the rest of her life with. Unfortunately, there are some exceptionally horrible people out there who will abduct, rape and even kill by luring young sensitive girls like Bella out of their comfort zone. Of course every girl wants to find their ‘Prince Charming’, although doing it in this dangerous fashion probably isn’t the way to go and meet the life partner. Instead, build a healthy relationship with your partner for a couple of years, exchange banter on dates, buy a house together, get married, and don’t run away from your parents. That’s as far as my Agony Aunt skills can stretch too. Need more convincing? Watch the mini-cab rape commercials on television, they’ll terrify anyone.

Hostel has nothing on this shit.

3. We understand teenagers!
You’re a teenager, finding your way in life, bumbling about uncertain and scared to try anything just in case the consequences come back to embarrass you in front of your friends, or perhaps scar you emotionally. Sound familiar? Twilight tries to duplicate the feelings of teenagers in the modern world, this awkward restraint of wanting to do something (most likely sex nowadays) but being too shy or insecure to pursue. Teenagers connect with Edward and Bella as the writers have portrayed both of them as awkward indecisive characters with a sensitive approach to life choices. And sex. For example Bella doesn’t lose her virginity until this fourth instalment, even though she’s been practically gagging for Edward to tear into her throughout the films. This idea of waiting and wondering is prominent in everyone’s mind as a teenager as our curiosity is doused by a constant feeling of frustration and worry of the actions that may play out after the event. On the other hand, today’s youth seem to have over confidence with intoxication and pregnancy evidently prominent in the UK, so it’s amazing Twilight has any fans at all.

"Fuck you, Cullen".

4. Vampires aren't scary anymore.
They just aren't. Since their switch from appearences in terrifying horror movies to hormonal teen drama, vampires have lost their fear factor. The idea of the blood-thirsty fanged monster has now been replaced with a glimmering torso and an actual conscience when coming to kill their victims. What made them so scary was that their charm and ultimate ruthlessness meant you wouldn't be able to resist but get bitten against these super-strong empty shells of, basically, a human. They had the disguise, the brutality and the wit to hunt us, and post-millenium, we knew it and were petrified. However now if someone mentions a vampire we don't shake in our boots with fear, we laugh at how ridiculousy bad the acting is in Twilight. Horror classics such as Dracula and Nosfaratu will always be the originals, but are now considered a laughing-stock on Halloween. Choose to dress up as the zombie if you're looking to scare.

5. It's everywhere...
This franchise has completely saturised the media, from every corner of the magazine pages to the internet's sticky web, Twilight seems to be in every burrow and under every rock. Ironically, it is now in this blog post. It's struck again. We seem to hear about it's popularity wherever we venture; how well it's doing at the cinema, saucy plotlines of the books, how the fans feel. AH yes, the fans. Giggling teenage girls who scream the word 'Cullen' is mentioned and it seems it's all they want to talk about during conversation. I asked a group of girls in a cafeteria, "So who's your favourite character from twilight?" Why did I indulge? They all turned and smiled and all answered at the same time. There were phrases spewed in the talking frenzy such as "I love him" and "I wish I was Bella". It seems that fans have Twilight on the brain non-stop. Although I did ask about the topic, perhaps they won't bring up the films if I keep quiet. Let us pray.