Tornado Wranglin'

Day 30: I am Thankful for Depression

2012-05-04T13:58:00.002-07:00

"Beloved, do not be surprised at the fiery trial when it comes upon you to test you,

as though something strange were happening to you." 1 Peter 4:12 ESV

Peter wrote his letter to young Christians experiencing persecution intense enough to cause them to be uprooted from their homes and displaced into another community. He writes to encourage them that their sufferings will have the great result of making them holy. Trials will purify them. Trials will make them more like the Jesus they love.

As an American, I have never really suffered for my faith, beyond a few snide comments thrown my way. So, how does God purify me, here, in my day, in my community? How does He make me holy?

Depression is suffering. To those who have never suffered with mental illness, it can seem pitiful and pathetic, and I understand why. But the fact is, one can be surrounded by luxury and be immersed in hell. I really think it is one of the closest experiences to what hell will really be like for those who are cut off from Christ forever.

And I am so super blessed to have suffered from depression.

God has used my depression. He has purified me. He has made me more holy. He has made me different. He has made me more like Him. Because I am more like Him, I can serve more like He serves. I can be generous. I can be merciful. I can love others like He does.

If it wasn't for my years of bondage, I wouldn't be starting on the path to study biblical counseling and psychology. I am going to start working with YoungLife, loving on teenage mothers and blessing them as they make the "harder" choice.

None of my current or future blessings would occur if I had not traveled dark paths.

I can say that even though it would be awful, I would be willing to go through it again to see the blessing that God has on the other side. If I ever go through depression again, I will know that He is again making me more holy.

"Therefore let those who suffer according to God's will entrust their souls

to a faithful Creator while doing good." 1 Peter 4:19 ESV (emphasis added)

I love this song. The verse, especially, summarizes all my thoughts toward depression:

I am thankful for depression.

My future is by no means done, but I am done, talking about depression, for now...

Day 29: I am Thankful for Love

2012-05-03T01:16:00.001-07:00

I heard a message on the radio this afternoon discussing the wrath of God and the different forms it takes. When we hear the term "wrath of God" we usually think of tornadoes, earthquakes, war and famine. But I truly believe there is a more common form of God's wrath towards sin.

"Furthermore, since they did not think it worthwhile to retain the knowledge of God, he gave them over to a depraved mind, to do what ought not to be done." Romans 1:28 NIV

I also like the New Living Translation's phrasing:

"Since they thought it foolish to acknowledge God, he abandoned them to their foolish thinking and let them do things that should never be done."

In other words:

"So God abandoned them to do whatever shameful things their hearts desired." Romans 1:24a NLT

God left them alone. He stopped pursuing them.

As I have worked on my depression, I have found so much filth in my soul that needed to be cleaned out, sutured, and healed. And He has been faithful to do this surgery on my heart. But lets face it, demons aren't fun to deal with...it kinda sucks. So, I had to be driven to do the work. Pressed. Forced.

The absolute most hateful thing He could have done would be to have placed me into a perfect stress-free life where my childhood, family, finances, health and emotions would have been unchallenged. I would then have no need of Him.

God pursued me. He allowed the depression because He loves me.

Almost done....

Day 28: I am Thankful I am Such a Freak

2012-04-26T23:58:00.000-07:00

My depression has been fluid. It could flow from a non-emotional exhaustion to the slight sense that something was wrong with me. In my dark days it could go from hearing voices that weren't very nice to a deep despair in which I just wanted to die.

It could be very dark. It could be very isolating.

While I was struggling I felt like a freak. I only knew a handful of people who struggled with depression. Then one day a sweet lady in our church gave her testimony of a mental break down that left her hospitalized. Her story was such a blessing to me. If I was going to be a freak, at least there was one other person who was a freak too.

I didn't really get better until about 10 years later. I, the crazy person, finally received real relief through some hard, emotional, and biblical counseling.

Well, when you walk into marvelous light after decades of darkness, it is pretty hard to hide. People at work commented that I was different and I just HAD to tell them why. I told friends, good friends, of the struggles I was released from fighting. Most heard for the first time that I even ever had a problem.

As I began to talk, I began to hear. Other people were just as freaky as me. A LOT of other people. I had no idea so many people, good people, lovely people, Christian people also dealt with depression.

I found out that they also, had no idea that so many people were hurting in the same way. It is comforting to know we're not alone.

"No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it." 1 Corinthians 10:13 ESV

Two notes on this verse for today.

1. "common to man" - Your depression, and the temptations that extend from it (suicide, cutting, bitterness, anger, apathy & lethargy), are not unusual. The circumstances surrounding your depression will be unique, but the end results and emotions are not. Find someone to share your burdens and temptations. There is someone else out there struggling, too.

2. "endure it" - The way of escape doesn't result in there not being a trial. There's no need to "endure" something easy. For 99% of us (surely an official statistic somewhere) there will be a time of continuing on while being tempted versus having the temptation completely removed. We live in a fallen world and it affects us.

I'm not done, but I'm done for now.

Day 27: I am Thankful for Victimization

2012-04-17T23:41:00.000-07:00

Defense mechanisms. I seen a few in people. You've noticed them in others, too.

The negative auto-reflex I can't stand the most is the person who won't take responsibility for his or her own situation. He blames everyone else. She can't help the way she is. This person is a victim.

When I see this person, I want to grab him by the shoulders a shake him. Then give him a good slap or two for good measure.

Of course, the reason I have such a violent internal reaction to this character is because "I are one." (Must be spoken with Southern unlearned drawl.) I spent years living this despicable nature out, though, since I'm an introvert most people wouldn't know it.

I can remember as a teen, blaming my parents for my depression. After I got married, my husband was the more convenient target. "If they would just..." "If he would just..." "If ______________ would just change his behavior then I would be happy, content, and at peace." I wasn't even that good at passing blame to be honest. Because I am so icy, I would not vocalize my emotions. So they would simply stew into bitter with the occasional boil over into rage.

I didn't really recognize what I was doing, but I knew whatever I was doing, it wasn't working. I was slowly getting sicker and sicker in the brain.

When I started counseling my blasted doctor would not let me sit and complain about my husband for an hour. I would start up and he would divert, "Well, since we can't do anything to change him, lets see what God wants you to do..." Then he would proceed to dig.

It took several turned corners before I finally figured out that my unhappiness had absolutely NOTHING to do with whether or not my hubby talked to me, at all times, like a soap-opera-over. It was a sickness inside me.

I now experience joy that continues beyond the circumstances of my life. I am not currently depressed and the weird thing is that negative circumstances haven't stopped. These last couple of months, well, more like the last two years, I have had a child that I can't seem to keep healthy. Watching him fight sickness after sickness is painful and exhausting. The medical bills just for him, let alone the other 5 of us, seem overwhelming today. But I still feel joy.

Incidentally, it turns out that by working on me, I made myself much more pleasant to be around. Naturally, a joyful, congenial wife creates a more joyful, congenial home. Thus follows a happy husband who just happens to be getting good at soap-opera-lover talk. (I didn't even ask...blush).

I'm not done...but I'm done for now.

[Bonus schpill: In my blame game, I had a very well thought out list that God needed to fix in my hubby. But God has His own ideas. While I was complaining about this or that, God was working on an entirely different level in my husband. He didn't change what I wanted Him to change. The Holy Spirit has His own agenda. It is so much better than anything I can dream up! This past week, I had the exquisite privilege to go on a trip, just the two of us. We got to talk, finally, for the 1st time in a really long time. My spouse had time to share his heart and it turns out it is quite amazing. I wanted God to fix "A" and instead He fixed "B, G, K and Z."

We're so good at "knowing" what needs to be fixed in others, especially women with their husbands. But it turns out I am not as wise as the Holy Spirit. It was my big lesson this week and I thought I'd pass that info on to you.]

'Kay, no, really, I'm done for now.

Day 26: I am Thankful for Slumming

2012-03-30T02:09:00.002-07:00

I can really and truly say that I have reached a healthy place mentally. I am not depressed. I am not wracked with anxiety. I am no longer the bitter ball that I used to be.

And I have absolutely, without a doubt, no question about it made to this blessed state through my growing relationship with Jesus Christ.

When I first started writing about depression I didn't really have intentions to go as religious as my blogging has been. But it turns out I can't talk about mental healing without the mention Him over and over and over. My good (not perfect) place is so interwoven with the workings of the Holy Spirit that "healthy" and "Christ" cannot be separated.

I know that He has brought me here. And amazingly, this beautiful, a-little-more-cleaned up state is not where He met me. When my depression started, I was already a Christian. I had already given Him my heart. But sin is in the world and sin still had root of infection in me.

This verse so well describes my emotional circumstances for decades. The bold lettering is my own added emphasis:

"It wasn't long ago that you were mired in that old stagnant life of sin. You let the world, which doesn't know the first thing about living, tell you how to live. You filled your lungs with polluted unbelief, and then exhaled disobedience. We all did it, all of us doing what we felt like doing, when we felt like doing it, all of us in the same boat. It's a wonder God didn't lose his temper and do away with the whole lot of us. Instead, immense in mercy and with an incredible love, he embraced us. He took our sin-dead lives and made us alive in Christ. He did all this on his own, with no help from us! Then he picked us up and set us down in highest heavenly company with Jesus, our Messiah." Ephesians 2:1-6 (MSG)

I have always been a rather reserved person. I am outwardly unemotional. But internally my life was completely overshadowed by the negative belief system I had embraced. Negative emotions naturally followed.

Jesus 1st met me right there, in my pain. I was internally oily, twisted and tied in knots. That quagmire is when He showed up. He came down to where I was. He cried with me when I was splotchy and snotty. He has been with me every single step forward and every single stumble backwards.

He came into my ugly.

Jesus is not waiting for you to get it together. He is not withholding blessing of joy until you get your head on straight. The blessing is that He is with you in the muck, if you only ask Him to be. He will take your filth upon Himself, if you will only allow Him.

"Surely He has borne our griefs

and carried our sorrows;

yet we esteemed Him stricken,

smitten by God, and afflicted."

Isaiah 53:4 (ESV)

This note is meant to be encouraging. Yes, He has healed me but it has not been a quick and easy journey. It has been the rocky path. It is narrow and precarious but the Holy Spirit and His Word have been my light, keeping me from falling off (completely). It has been over 20 years since the onset of my depression. It has been excruciating at times, but it has been so worth it.

I'm not done, but I'm done for now.

Day 25: I am Thankful for Transformation

2012-03-27T00:43:00.000-07:00

I have four sons. So, the 1st bauble that pops into my noggin when I hear "trans-anything" is always going to be Transformers the toys, cartoons, movies, etc.

It's a robot! (Insert dub-step sound effect.) No, it's a dinosaur! It's an airplane. It's a spider!

It takes 2 seconds on TV to change those robots around. It takes a little bit longer in real life to flip the toys. I'm not kidding either. Some of those buggers require instructions and Google searches.

Now, looking back, I can see that my own transformation from mentally decrepit to mental health has taken decades versus seconds. There is no quick Google look up. The change has been gradual. There have been many backward steps, as well.

"...but be transformed by the renewing of your mind,..." Romans 12:2 (Partial) ESV

This verse used to frustrate me because I never could seem to do just that...renew my mind.

Second look, redo, this time we'll see the whole picture.

"Do not be transformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect."

Romans 12:2 (Complete) ESV

I was trying to change my depression on my own. I was white knuckle, desperate, and angry as I tried to force myself better. It didn't work. The Bible says that the Holy Spirit is the one who sanctifies me, meaning, that He is the one who cleans me out.

For example: the Bible says that I am precious and loved of God, but I wasn't willing to accept that portion.

I am slowly learning to test how I think. I honestly think quite a bit like the rest of the world that is not in submission to the God of the Universe. So, to be completely practical, my prayer sounds like, "God, Your Word says that You made me according to Your will, "wonderfully." I don't honestly believe I am anything but a screw-up. But I know that Your Word is true so will you fix the way I think? Change my thinking? Put my thinking in alignment with what the Bible says is true."

I have just begun to pray this prayer just in the past month or so over any issue I know that I don't quite agree with in the Bible. I talking about from social and political issues to those messed up thoughts I have that affect my moods negatively. And, oh my goodness, He has answered so many times over. I'll be driving and He will whisper, "Have you noticed this _________"

Insert creepy "mind-blown" cartoon from Facebook.

I think differently than I did just a month ago. Let alone 10 years ago. He has been doing the hard work. He has been so faithful.

I have been a Christian since I was 9 years old. But I feel as if I'm just beginning this amazing journey. I am just now discovering:

"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come." 2 Corinthians 5:17 ESV

Yeah, I'm still not quite finished, but I'm done for now.

Day 24: I am Thankful for Honesty

2012-03-15T04:10:00.000-07:00

"...and you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free." John 8:32 ESV

I put those words above in red for effect. If they were in a "Red Letter" Bible, they would be red. They were words that Jesus Himself spoke to the crowd.

All my life, I have been known as a good girl. I'm not a party-er. I don't drink. I don't smoke. I never slept around. I remember walking in on a co-workers in the break room. I was 22 years old. I heard enough to know that they were talking about sex. One co-worker shushed the conversation, "We can't talk about that around her, she's a virgin." If I could have raised one eye-brow, I would have. (I wanna be able to do that so bad.) I pointed at my 6-months-pregnant belly. My co-worker laughed and said, "Girl, I don't care. You STILL a virgin."

So, I looked good. But what is on the inside is not always reflected on the outside. Because believe me: Ain't nuthin' can destroy everything and everyone around it like bitter can.

In my early twenties, I went to see a professional counselor. I know that on TV the counselor's job is to make you feel all warm & fuzzy, but that's not what my counselor did. I went to see a biblical counselor. She kept digging and digging into me until I came to the realization that I was actually rather un-trusting and unforgiving...bitter. I came to understand for the 1st time that my heart was, at its core, evil. Worldly wisdom would have me think that knowing this truth about myself would lead me towards a greater depression and make me even more self-destructive. But the opposite was actually the case.

I now saw the truth. I now understood that I needed forgiveness. I now understood that I had no right to withhold from others what I so desperately needed from my God. And He extended that forgiveness towards me. By admitting I was evil, bad, sick and twisted, I felt clean.

"Behold, I was brought forth in iniquity,

and in sin did my mother conceive me.

Behold, you delight in truth in the inward being,

and you teach me wisdom in the secret heart.

Purge me with hyssop, and I shall be clean;

wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow." Psalm 51:5-7 ESV

As my eyes were opened to my own wickedness I was able to see the air of self-righteousness that ran as a thread through my family. It was so freeing to admit that I was flawed. I didn't have to pretend to be perfect anymore. I got better with my depression...for a while.

It did come back. Why? That 1st step towards personal honesty was just that. A step. There is layer after layer of hurt, pain, wall, and sickness in my soul. My depression returned in earnest about 10 years later and I found myself in the counselor's office again.

Internally, without much conscience, I had figured out a way to protect my heart. It is sick & twisted (my way always is) but I had decided that I didn't want anyone to tell me how much I sucked. I figured out that if I ever felt good, someone might come and tell me how awful I was...which would make me feel bad...really, really bad. So I learned to STAY feeling bad already. Then when I made a mistake, or did not parent well, or did not keep my house as clean as everyone else did, or wasn't as pretty as all the other mothers at church I wouldn't feel that drop. It is like, if I was already a wreck then I wouldn't feel the impact as much when there was an emotional crash.

I had a tough time admitting this ruse to myself. I mean, read that last paragraph again. It is chock full of whack thinking. It took a year of hard work for me to admit how MUCH the self-hatred habit had taken root. I knew it would be messy to deal with. There would be tears. There would be snot. My nose was going to swell up, turn red and shiny. (I know of no one else whose nose turns super shiny when they cry. It's like Rudolph.) I don't cry pretty.

But I had to face that demon. I had to be honest with it. I had to be honest with myself.

This was my breakthrough. I learned so much. When I am depressed, anxious or overly stressed, I have learned to be honest and face that sin in my heart, the evil, that is creating my negative mood. And I have found it to be sin. Every time.

I am an evil girl at heart.

I am reminded of the woman who could not stop bleeding. Basically, she was on a period that didn't stop for years. She pressed so hard through the crowd around Jesus that she ended up crawling on the ground. She merely touched the hem of His robe. And she was instantly different. She knew she was different. Jesus knew something was different, too. In the middle of a pressing crowd of people, Jesus stops, and asked, "Who touched me?"

"And He looked around to see who had done it. But the woman, knowing what had happened to her, came in fear and trembling and fell down before Him and told Him the whole truth. And He said to her, 'Daughter, your faith has made you well; go in peace, and be healed of your disease'." Mark 5:32-34 ESV (Emphasis added)

I'm think I'm almost done...hitting the home stretch...but I'm not done yet.

Day 23: I am Thankful for Comfort

2012-03-03T00:35:00.000-08:00

Comfort. When I picture comfort I picture fleece pajamas and flannel sheets. I picture a warm hug. I picture hot coffee and chocolate chip cookies. I imagine "sleeping in" until a ridiculous hour.

I certainly don't picture struggle, pain, hardship, poverty,...depression.

But it was pointed out to me recently that the root word for "comfort" does not quite have the same definition that we think of today. I looked it up and sure enough, they were correct. (See "Comfort" at Dictionary.com). The word "comfort" originally meant, "to strengthen much." This root word is even used in the Vulgate. The Latin Vulgate an ancient translation of the Bible. It is still used as a tool by Bible translators, today.

In Western culture, where we've had very little true suffering, we have kind of made a god of comfort. To be honest, most of us do not want the million(s) dollar mansion with the luxury Hummer while jewels decorate each appendage. When I, for one, see some of that overabundance on TV it makes me a little sick at my stomach. I don't want all that excess. I just want to be comfortable. I want to pay my bills, buy healthy groceries, drive an in-good-condition older car, dress my kids in Old Navy and Target and not hyperventilate when I see the college fund Orthodontist would like to drain. Am I right?

But this older, and I truly believe more accurate, definition of comfort gives a new spin to:

"And I will pray the Father, and he shall give you another Comforter, that he may abide with you forever;" John 14:16 KJV

"I will not leave you comfortless: I will come to you." John 14:18 KJV

I thought the point was that when I faced troubles I would be wrapped in a spiritual blanket so I could feel all better? Guess not? Nope.

My typical reaction to pain is to avoid it at all costs. But I think I need a shift in attitude.

When my day is dark and my depression is heavy I need to stop and say, "I am going to ride this out. I am going to accept the comfort (strengthening) of the Holy Spirit in my circumstance. I am going to see how I can glorify God while depressed, today."

Perhaps I can comfort or "strengthen much" someone else?

"Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. For as we share abundantly in Christ's sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too. If we are afflicted, it is for your comfort and salvation; and if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which you experience when you patiently endure the same sufferings that we suffer. Our hope is for you to be unshaken, for we know that as you share in our sufferings, you will also share in our comfort." 2 Corinthians 1:3-7 ESV

I'm still not done, but I'm done for now.

Day 22: I am Thankful for Failure

2012-02-22T02:05:00.000-08:00

Here's a surprise: I am not perfect. I'm not even close. I mess up. A lot.

I recently, violated my conscience in a pretty big way. And it was one of those choices that I couldn't really turn back from. I just didn't know what to do. Not that anyone would even know, but I know & I've felt so guilty. I've been sick at my stomach.

So, I did my own little trick. I started bargaining. I started trying to figure out what I could do to cancel out my debt. I could give money to charity. I could find a way to volunteer. After all, it is something I've been wanting to do but been unable due to the fact that I feel so very overwhelmed already. I mean, I still have two kids in diapers (kind of...the 3-year-old still needs pull-ups at night & when we leave the house). I could find a random homeless person and give them my coat, etc.

This bargaining may not sound like a big deal, but with my history of mental illness, it really can be. There's another lie I bought. "I must be GOOD." If I'm not good, I have to make up for not being good. There are these giant scales and if I have to make sure that I fill up the good side. I have to earn the right to be happy, blessed, and loved by God.

Except, that thinking's not Bible, it's Karma...Hinduism or Buddhism.

Insert relevant Bible verses (these may be lengthy, but they're good. Try reading them out loud. I find it helps me understand sometimes "hard to understand" Paul):

"For no one can ever be made right with God by doing what the law commands. The law simply shows how sinful we are. But now God has shown us a way to be made right with him without keeping the requirements of the law, as was promised in the writings of Moses and the prophets long ago. We are made right with God by placing our faith in Jesus Christ. And this is true for everyone who believes, no matter who we are. For everyone has sinned; we all fall short of God's glorious standard. Yet God, with undeserved kindness (a.k.a. "grace") declare that we are righteous. He did this through Christ Jesus when he freed us from the penalty for our sins." Romans 3:20-24 NLT (Emphasis added)

And

"But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions-it is by grace you have been saved. And God raised us up with Christ and seated us with him in the heavenly realms in Christ Jesus, in order that in the coming ages he might show the incomparable riches of his grace, expressed in his kindness to us in Christ Jesus. For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith-and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God-not by works, so that no one can boast." Ephesians 2:4-9 NIV

Summary of inserted Bible verses: I can't earn God's love or His favor. Because He already gave it to me. I have trust Him in salvation. What I need to learn to do is trust Him for my sanctification. (Big word that basically means the slow day-to-day changing of my heart from icky to gee-orgeous.)

With every other religion out there a person has to forcibly change his or her behavior to earn the favor of whatever higher power there may be, from Allah to Karma. With my religion, I absolutely cannot earn God's favor. He just loves messed up me, and, if I'll except it, He'll simply give me His favor. A gift. A gift. It is a gift.

"Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death." 2 Corinthians 7:10 NIV

That "worldly sorrow" is the dredges of condemnation. It is the voice that can't believe how stupid I've been. It is the voice that wonders what the hell is wrong with me. It is the voice that says I'll never measure up or be good enough. It is the voice that has literally driven me to madness.

I've experienced "godly sorrow" too. It is the knowledge that I need Him. It is what drives me to my knees and in His arms. After which, I get up feeling clean and strong because I am loved by the God of the universe. When I've had a good repentance session with him, I am a powerhouse.

I have to remember, "For the letter (rules for the sake of earning His favor) kills, but the Spirit gives life." Oh, that I would remember! It would make my brain hurt less.

I'm not quite done yet, but I'm done for today.

Day 21: I am Thankful for Inspiration

2012-02-17T11:52:00.000-08:00

For the past few weeks I have struggled to find anything to say about depression. It is like my brain just dried up. Nothing is there where ideas usually fly at me so fast I can hardly keep up. What happened?

1. It's depression. There are waves that come when my motivation to do ANYTHING, including write, just ends. It is the nature of this mean ol' beast. I put one foot in front of the other and do the next thing on my list, but I have lost some of the enjoyment. It has by no means been the worst spell I've had. Not much crying. I haven't even really been aware that I was in a funk until yesterday. But, I know that if I swing backwards the rope will grow taunt and I will soon swing forwards.

2. I've honestly been pretty busy with family issues. My husband has faced some illness. My kids have had colds. Money is tight because there are so many of us in this adorable little house. Sometimes, when I'm feeling overwhelmed by it all, it's reassureing to step back and look at my life and say, "Yeah, a lot has been going on & you're not crazy for struggling a little bit."

3. The main reason I believe I haven't been inspired AND that I have struggled is because I have failed to immerse myself in inspiration. I haven't been to my Bible study class and even though the lessons are available online I haven't worked them. I haven't been listening to the music that uplifts me. I haven't been reading. I haven't been watching my one Christian TV show I like (and it's only one show so I'm not turning into my Grandma or my mom because I'm not watching TBN 24-7, right? Please?). I have missed church and even when I have gone I've been so late that I'm just feeling the "whew" of getting there & I'm not actually present for the service.

I have not been in His presence in a while. His creative presence. My fault.

Spend some time studying. If you're a Believer, spend some time studying something biblical. Either through church or a book at the bookstore. If you don't know where to start, ask a friend or go to the web. The New Life Ministries: Store has some amazing studies. I've read through a couple of their books.

Usually when I study something, I don't feel a rush of creativity. Little seeds are planted that my brain mulls over for the rest of the day. Later as I lay in bed at night or I'm having a rare quiet moment driving around town, that seed blows up into a full-blown magical idea -or- a practical "how-to" that I'm able to put to type and tell the world. (See: Day 20 Part 1: I am Thankful for Football)

I've found that getting my thinking juices going gets my emotional juices flowing.

I'm not done, but I'm done for now.

Day 20 part 2: I am Thankful for Gain

2012-02-10T11:27:00.001-08:00

"For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain." Philippians 1:21 (NIV)

In part one of "Day 20" I talked about living. Today I'm talking about dying.

I am someone who has had depression. I am someone who believes in Jesus. Therefore, death has always had a certain appeal to me. Now, I know that I've gone to unhealthy levels with my longing for heaven, but at the same time, there IS a part of all believers that longs for our ultimate home.

First and foremost...I get to be with HIM.

I can physically be in His direct presence forever. I will never have to leave, ever, ever, ever.

I can remember as a child when I felt God's presence for the first time. I felt perfect peace. I felt perfect strength. I felt perfect joy. There was a wonderful delight to know I wasn't alone. I knew that being with Him was exactly what I was made to do. I was fulfilling my purpose. I had tasted who He was and I have sought to fill my belly with His presence ever since.

"Taste and see that the Lord is good;

blessed is the one who takes refuge in Him." Psalm 34:8

When battling depression, those moments of His presence were often harder to find. There were times I absolutely couldn't find Him. The lies I was believing about myself and the world were screaming so loud I did not have the ability to see Him there. But I had tasted. And I knew exactly who I was trying to get back to.

(If you have never experienced what it is like to be with God, I urge you to find out. You don't have to go to church, either. Go to your bedroom. Talk to Him. You may feel like you don't deserve His loving favor, but He likes to give it anyways.)

Secondly, I will see beautiful things. Like Pinterest, but better.

I don't picture heaven as this boring place where I float on white fluffy clouds covered in my white fluffy robe playing on my white fluffy harp and wearing my white fluffy halo. I am going to live with the same God who created the Appalachian fall. I am going to live with the same God who created the Caribbean ocean. I am going to live with the same God who created the variety that is human beings.

I live in Alaska. I see majesty daily. But with Him, I'll get to see His creation, without the sting of sin on it. When sin entered the world, it touched everything. Sin fractured everything. Struck by the awe of the Grand Canyon? We should see what would have happened before sin touched the earth. This monument is a fraction of what it was meant to be. And when I am with Him, I will get to see the way it was meant to be. Wow.

A third detail I look forward to, is having eternity.

I shall now attempt to blow your mind...

We've often heard how God has a plan for the future. He knows what is coming into your life. He has a plan for you. How does He know? Because He can see past and future as if it were present. How does He see it? Because time is just another part of His creation. It is like the tree in your yard or the eyeball that helps you read. It sounds crazy to our brain that has never experienced a lack of time. But think about it, within the last century, scientist have just begun to scratch the surface on the study of time. We now have the fields of Theoretical Physics and Quantum Physics. Now there are the household names of Einstein and Hawking. (Also, Sheldon and Dr. Sam Beckett, but I digress.)

God is outside time. The Hebrew word for God means that "He is." When they say that He is eternal, they don't just mean never ending, the also mean never beginning. He is OUR beginning and he is OUR end.

He IS the creator and I don't believe He will ever stop creating. He is creating all over this world through us. He creates through me. He continues to create through you. And when I step into eternity with Him, I will finally not have time breathing down my neck. I am infinitesimally slow and there it won't matter. I can perfect whatever story I'm writing to the dot and tiddle. I will be able to write a drama performance without the next chore on my to do list hassling me. I can create with Him.

To be honest, my thoughts on this subject are a bit futile. Because the Bible says I can't even begin to imagine how good it will really be.

Day 20 part 1: I am Thankful for Football Practice

2012-02-08T12:09:00.000-08:00

As a mother of boys involved in sports, I spend a large portion of my life at "practice." If I have the other 3 kids with me, I hate it. I don't care how prepared I am with toys & activities to occupy them. I get to spend 1-2 hours saying things like, "Shh. Don't wrestle. Don't run. Stop throwing. Why are you lying on the floor?"

But, thankfully, my 9-year-old's Flag Football practice is at night, after the hubby comes home. So I get to take him to practice, just the two of us. I get to sit on the gym floor and alternate between watching him happily bounce about chasing a ball and reading whatever book I'm currently loving on.

I guess the boy finally wore himself out a little bit because on the drive home he was quiet. Therefore, there was quiet. If you have kids, you know what a rare and precious gift quiet is.

And the Holy Spirit used that moment to blow up my universe.

There are Bible verses I've known since I don't know when. One of those memories is "...to live is Christ and to die is gain." (Philippians 1:21 NIV)

Now, as a believer in Christ that has fought that battle with depression for years, I've always understood the whole, "to die is gain," thing. But for the 1st time, the other night, I heard, really heard, the 1st half of the verse.

"...to...live...is...Christ..."

I heard, "...to LIVE is Christ."

Jesus does not repress me. I've had a few religious people try to wrap me up & tie me down, but for as long as I've known Him, Jesus, has never done such. He is the one who put the love of acting in me as a teen, sent me to El Salvador, married me to a wonderful man, gave me four sons, moved me across the planet to Alaska, birthed the desire to create, painted the majestic vistas about me in full color in the summertime, painted in black and white in the winter, and has taken me on multiple "less traveled" paths.

He has made me truly live. I stand in awe.

I also heard, "...to live is CHRIST."

This life can certainly be amazing, but it can also be really, really hard. There is pain. There is grit.

And Jesus chose to live here. He left perfection and kingship. He emptied his God-hood out & became human. He didn't choose middle-class America either. He grew up a minority. He grew up poor. I've heard that the tax rate from Rome was about 70-80% depending on your tax collector. He grew up to be hated. He grew up to be beaten. He grew up to torturred. He grew up to be crucified, humiliated and to die.

And He chose to do it.

I think I can choose to really live. In good times and bad. Because He gives me the same strength of choice He had.

Day 19: I am Thankful for Discipline

2012-01-30T12:21:00.000-08:00

As I continue in this blogging thing, I am realizing that there is a theme forming: "Sufferings brings about good."

Anxiety brings about good. Pain brings about good. Depression brings about good...eventually...especially for the believer in Christ.

"And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to His purpose for them."

Romans 8:28 (NLT)

But I also believe that God is using the bad moments in life to work in the hearts of unbelievers as well. He wants hearts. He wants the unbelieving heart to come to Him and He wants the believing heart to come even closer.

Anyone ever heard this phrase, "God won't give you more than you can handle?" This is one of those "bible verses" I hear quoted so often that sounds lovely to our western cultural ears. We can handle it because we're strong and independent, right? But that is not a verse in the Bible. It goes in with a list of other phrases we've heard over & over until we think it's a Bible verse.

"God helps those who help themselves."
"Cleanliness is next to godliness."
"Early to morning, early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy, & wise." etc.

Quite often, these cute little quips are in actuality from the writings of Ben Franklin. Not a bad guy, mind you, but not on the level of Scripture.

The "more than you can handle" verse is a spin-off of 1 Corinthians 10:13.

"No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; He will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, He will also provide a way out so that you can endure it." (NIV)

Paul says that all the temptations or testing the Christians in Corinth are under are "common." It's normal. It happens a lot. Also, the verse says that we're not tempted beyond what we can bear - because - God will provide a way out.

We're not "handling" on our own.

Depression is a pretty tough burden to bear. But, because of the Cross, I don't have to bear it alone. In fact, eventually, as I work through what God is working out in me, I don't have to bear it at all. I will finally see "in the flesh" what Jesus' crucifixion & resurrection did for me "in the spirit."

God loves me. He loves more than my own Daddy loves me. My earthly Dad was willing to punish me. He wanted to make into a lovely lady and that formation required spankings, groundings, scoldings, etc.

Since God gets to have control of the whole universe, He disciplines me, yes even punishing me, in order to turn me into the woman of God He knows me to be. He doesn't spank me with a paddle. He allows me to feel the consequences of my negative actions. He's even able to cause me to feel the consequences of my negative attitudes. Something my earthly father could try to curb, but honestly didn't have a lot of control over.

Hebrews says that I get disciplined because HE LOVES ME. He will scold me. (My conscience is pricked because I'm being too short with the boys.) He will put me in time-out. (Anxiety may become a daily reality.) Eventually, if I don't respond He will continually get louder. (In me, this loving punishment eventually results in out-and-out depression.)

So, I'm working to shift my attitude when the negative occurs. How about you?

I shall finalize with an especially long Bible quote:

"After all, you have not yet given your lives in the struggle against sin.

And have you forgotten the encouraging words God spoke to you as His children? He said,

'My child don't make light of the LORD's discipline,

and don't give up when He corrects you.

For the LORD disciplines those He loves,

and He punishes each one He accepts as His child.'

As you endure this divine discipline, remember that God is treating you as His own children. Who has ever heard of a child who is never disciplined by his father? If God doesn't discipline you as He does all of His children, it means that you are illegitimate and are not really His children at all. Since we respected our earthly fathers who disciplined us, shouldn't we submit even more to the discipline of the Father of our spirits, and live forever?

For our earthly fathers disciplined us for a few years, doing the best they knew how. But God's discipline is always good for us, so that we might share in His holiness. No discipline is enjoyable while it is happening - it's painful! But afterwards there will be a peaceful harvest of right living for those who are trained in this way.

So take a new grip with your tired hands and strengthen your weak knees." Hebrews 12:4-12 (NLT)
Bold Emphasis added by "Moi"

Day 18: I am Thankful for Frustration

2012-01-24T12:02:00.000-08:00

The irony inside me: By the grace of God, I seem to handle any tragedy thrown at me with grace, peace and strength.

For whatever reason, I am able to take tragedy or massive difficulty in stride. I miscarried my 3rd child. I cried. I felt empty for a time. But I was able to love my lost child and grieve and continue on.

A few years ago, I got very sick. I dropped about 15 pounds in a month. I couldn't even put my finger on what was wrong but I knew that if I didn't get better, I would die. I had the sense that my body was expelling energy faster than I could replenish it. I've talked to others who went through serious illness and they described the same feeling.

I had not even told my husband yet that I could feel something "off." My brother and his lovely family came to visit us in Alaska that Christmas. I had the thought that I needed to enjoy this time together because it may be the last.

Blessedly, after about 6 months, I recovered. And emotionally, I handled this period well. I wasn't depressed, or, I should say AS depressed as I had been.

My husband was diagnosed with Diabetes a few years ago. Some other family members and friends reacted with horror at this diagnosis. I took it all in stride. At least now we knew what we needed to do for him, right?

There was no cry of, "Why God?" I didn't rant and wail against the universe.

But let me lose my keys...or my phone...or be running late...

All the above mentioned "little things" can set me off into a depressive state for DAYS. Tragedy, I can handle, but frustration I can not.

I thought I was alone until I heard a song on the radio. I'm a little annoyed that I'm using a radio song because I want to be cool and goodness knows KLOVE is not cool. But I need to swallow my pride and get my message through.

(Incidentally, on the album art, that drawing the lower half of the body...genius! I'd like to order that treatment on all photos of me from now on. I'm anti-photo shop on super-models. I'm not anti-photo shop on this 34-year-old, post 4 children figure of my own.)

So, I'm not the only one who will forget to pay a bill and fall into a puddle of tears crying, "Why God?" But, after taking a step back and thinking about it, I come to realize one reason why the little stuff is what can send me into a tailspin.

It happens more often. God wants to be a part of my daily life and not just come in every once in a while and do damage control. I'm not saying that He's not involved and among us when tragedy strikes, not at all. But, for me, He uses the annoying frustrations of life to weed out the yucky inside me.

That's why my computer gets a virus. That's why I can't find those important papers that are due even though I put them in that specific spot so I wouldn't lose them. That is why I can't find my frikin' phone...again!

Day 17: I am Thankful for Defenses

2012-01-23T12:23:00.000-08:00

Healing can be scary.

You many think I'm crazy for saying that but it's true. One facet of depression I've had is a chronic sense of disappointment. Why? Because if I'm prepared for disappointment then I won't get disappointed. I'm not pessimistic at all. (For today, bold = sarcasm font.)

It's a defense mechanism.

Defenses are not bad. These walls we've built were a tool at one time to protect our hearts. They were necessary and served a purpose. But, as fallen humans, we tend to hold onto them much longer than we need to.

Time is considered by modern culture to be a downright magical force. If given enough time, non-living matter become living. Amoebic slime becomes monkey. Time heals all wounds. NOT.

Time does not heal emotional wounds. Counselors say that the limbic system, the part of your brain that deals with emotion, is not even aware that time exists.

Have you ever over-reacted to a situation? I know a girl, I'll call her "Mary," that suffered childhood abuse. She's now an adult who hasn't encountered physical abuse in decades. Mary got into a verbal argument "Brian" three years ago. Mary still talks about the time Brian attacked her to such description that someone listening to the story might think that Brian actually hit her. Brian did no such thing. Brian simply had an argument with her. Brian is completely unaware that Mary still views him so negatively.

What happened is that Mary's limbic system simply saw "threat." She emotionally reacted to the situation as if it was an abusive event. Her limbic system had no idea that it had been decades since Mary was last abuse.

Defenses help us survive. God gave them to us. But once the traumatic event has left we need to let go of them or we are going to miss out on life.

My big defense: stay down. I keep myself emotionally down. I think of myself as bad. Because then it won't hurt as much when someone lets me know that I'm bad. "Duh, I already knew that."

But as I refuse to let my defense go, I block out life. I don't try achieve. I give up before I start.

Depression has been my magnifying glass, exposing and clarifying exactly which defenses I need to let go. As I'm struggling, I've had to ask God what it is I'm fighting against. What is my heart needing to release?

"You can go to God Most High to hide.

You can go to God All-Powerful for protection.

I say to the Lord, 'You are my place of safety, my fortress.

My God, I trust in You.'

God will save you from hidden dangers

and from deadly diseases.

You can go to him for protection.

He will cover you like a bird spreading its wings over its babies.

You can trust him to surround you and protect you like a shield."

Psalm 91:1-4 (ERV)

As my defenses fall away I am left plain. This exposure is terrifying but I must learn to let God be my Defender. I am just beginning to figure out how to surrender my battles and scars to Him but a couple of things I've discovered along the journey:

He can defend me in a way that won't harm others or myself.
I've found as I've started to trust God with my defense, that bad things still happen. (Shocking!) But He's holding my heart so I'm able to see the scary with His eyes, His perspective. Situations are no longer bigger than they actually are. No more panic. No more terror.

If you find yourself over-reacting, stop and take stock. What are you REALLY scared of? Who are you really fighting against? Ask the Holy Spirit to guide you away from your own defenses and ask Him to be your Defender instead.

Day 16: I am Thankful for Survival

2012-01-17T12:25:00.000-08:00

I've heard people at church say, "I don't know where I'd be if I didn't have Jesus in my life."

I'm not one of those people because I know exactly where I would have ended up. I would have been one of two places. It's likely I would have ended up in a mental institution. It is honestly more likely I would have been dead from suicide.

I've noticed several reasons people commit or contemplate endings one's own life:

1. PAIN - Pain can be emotional. When depression has given you nothing but pain for weeks, months, years or decades, you can begin to feel that there is no other option for you in life but to hurt. And there are times when I just wanted the pain.to.stop. I didn't care how. I just needed it to stop.

Pain can be physical. I went through an illness where I had intense pain across my chest for several months. All tests turned out to show nothing abnormal. I was finally put on a new anti-depressant to see if it was in my head. I was given a diagnosis of fibromyalgia even though my symptoms didn't match those listed in the brochure at all. I would kneel on the floor and lean over the couch & just rock. I was on narcotic pain killers. It was a constant grinding that wore me down until I was exhausted mentally, emotionally and physically. I finally got a proper diagnosis and was given, get this, Aleeve. I was functional again in a matter of days. Because I finally found a doctor that was able to diagnose the correct problem. This was about a 4 month period of constant pain. I can only imagine what people feel when they are in pain for years.

2. ANGER - I have to admit that there are times when I thought of my own death as the perfect way to show this person or that person just how much they hurt me. Then they would finally understand how they made me feel. It wasn't as clearly defined as those two sentences when it was roaring through my brain, but that's unltimately what I wanted. I wanted to give a big giant finger to the person who hurt me.

I didn't even realize that's what I was wanting until I watched a good friend of mine traverse several suicide attempts from her husband. From the outside, I could see in him what I couldn't see in me. I watched what his attempts did to her and her children and knew that no matter how angry I was inside, my loved ones didn't deserve that kind of revenge.

3. FEAR - Fear can incapacitate. Sometimes, my fear of the future or financial ruin was so terrifying that the thought of death was less scary. I know that this is thinking is messed up, but like I've already said many times, I was broken. I knew that if I was dead, then I wouldn't have to face these troubles anymore. I wouldn't have to struggle anymore.

No matter what sick reasoning I was using, it all came to same ending:

DESPAIR - There was the belief that life could not get better.

I never quite got up the "courage" to honestly try to commit suicide. And sadly, there were times that I thought it made me pathetic and weak because I was afraid of the pain of dying. When anyone is in that much darkness, the thinking is so contorted.

I now know that God was holding me together. The only reason I was able to see suicide for what it was is because the Holy Spirit was working in my heart. I was held together by Him.

Eventually, suicide was no longer a temptation. After watching how hard it was on my friend's family I knew that it just wasn't an option for me.

It's not an option for you either.

More than a decade later, I now know that life does get better...for a time. There are ebbs & flows. There are hills and valleys. There's a high tide and a low tide. No matter how bad it is, it will change.

Visiting some of my old thoughts is exhausting, so I'm done for now.

Day 15: I am Thankful Jesus Hates Religion Too

2012-01-13T13:24:00.000-08:00

Ok, if you ask me if I'm religious, I'll say yes. Because I do think that that's how I'd be perceived by the majority of the world. I don't want to present a false picture of myself and most people, if they were to ask, would just want a "yes" or "no" answer. At that point they aren't usually in the mood for the, "It's a Relationship not a Religion," speech.

Also, the Bible itself is not afraid to call Christianity a religion, albeit there is an implied asterix:

"Pure and genuine religion is the sight of God the Father means caring for orphans and widows in their distress and refusing to let the world corrupt you." James 1:27 (NLT)

That kind of religion is excellent. I have a friend who works with teenage mothers. Some of the girls have been kicked out of their houses and she has cared to the point of letting them live in her home with her family. Excellent religion.

But when I say the word "religion," caring for others is not the first picture that comes to my mind. More commonly the term is associated with stodgy people who are putting their noses where they don't belong trying to control their own behavior and the behavior of everyone around them. For the rest of my discourse today, this empty definition is what I mean when I refer to "religion."

My story: I grew up in and around a very religious culture. There were a lot of rules. A LOT of rules. And I don't feel that it came down to me from my family directly, but more from the general culture of the groups we were surrounded by at the time. A LOT of rules. Occasionally, my mom would firmly hand them to me in "stern voice" but I also know that she was giving to me what had been given to her. A LOT of rules.

I was always taught that we were saved by grace. That means that salvation from sin was not earned by doing anything, it was a gift that Christ gave us in exchange for us giving our hearts (our souls) to Him. That was free. But the ability to please God AFTER salvation. That required work. A LOT of work. A LOT of rules.

In the 80's and early 90's, at least among my circle of evangelical families and churches, there was a big push for what is now called "Formula Christianity." There was a belief that if you followed a certain set of rules mentioned in the Bible, then you would have God's favor and you would be blessed. If you did not follow the rules...yep, you were cursed.

Outside of my own behavior, my family ended up being on the more liberal side of the rules. (You'd think that being home-schooled, not being allowed to listen to secular music, not being allowed to date, and not being allowed to wear a two-piece swimsuit would be considered pretty strict...but not in this environment.) Then the word got out that my parent's marriage was in trouble. Divorce is a bad, bad word in this religious world. Like, murder would be better. The family, including myself, ended up being excluded from the formula. We didn't make it. We didn't qualify and there was nothing I could do about it...

...except make sure that I grew up to do "the formula" right. Insert perfectionism immediately followed by failure. Frustration followed failure. Emotional pain followed frustration. As the cycle prolonged depression followed the emotional pain. Eventually, mental torment followed the depression.

But, of course, to be religiously perfect you have to read the Bible. And eventually the Scripture I was reading began to work it's way into my battered brain.

Jesus hated this kind of religion. The "rules make me acceptable to God" kind of religion. When confronting this issue he was not a sweet timid girly man with a soft British accent. He got violent. He went after the religious in the temple with a whip. Not just a random whip He happened upon conveniently, either. He sat and made a whip to tear people's stuff up. Pre-meditated.

He had this to say:

"Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You travel over land and sea to win a single convert, and when you have succeeded, you make them twice as much a child of hell as you are."

Matthew 23:15 (NIV)

You see, He loves us. He wants us. Religion reserves Him for those who are good enough to deserve Him.

God despises anything that makes it hard for us to find Him.

I never managed to be good enough. I stopped trying. I began to trust Him to simply love me. I gave Him my heart. And after I relaxed, He began to change me from the inside out. He began to make me more like Him. I began to blossom.

God's not depressed. As I become like Him I become less depressed. It's slow. Sometimes better and sometimes worse but always consistently forward towards freedom.

This video has been bouncing around quite a bit so I'm going to jump on the bandwagon, too. (It hurts my prideful side, though.)

Yeeeeah, still not quite done, but I'm done for now.

Day 14: I am Thankful for the Ugly

2012-01-11T19:26:00.000-08:00

Ugly: The loss of interest in EVERYTHING. The days I lost the ability to care about diddly squat.

Ugly: Days when my internal dialogue was only, "You'll never be good enough. You can't even do the basics. You suck. You're a bad mother. You're a bad wife. Etc."

Ugly: The days when I was afraid to speak to my children, and tried to avoid speaking, because my thoughts and attitude where so polluted that only trash was likely to come out.

Depression is ugly. It leads me to apathy and chronic exhaustion. It robs me of my family when I have to disconnect to avoid hurting them. It is a messy, messy configuration.

And it's geometrical shape is a spiral. Downwards.

Once the sadness, bitterness and slow anger initiated, it would continue to build. Or maybe a better description would be to say depression would continue to tear down. It would use a hammer and a chisel until the structure weakened and the wrecking ball came.

It was like being in a pot of water. Fire under the pan that would increase in increments until I realized I was boiling.

There's an illustration in the Bible that sounds just like what I went through. When metal, say silver or gold, is pulled out of the mountain, it is a thin vein of pretty surrounded by plain ol' rock. The oldest way to refine metal is to heat it up, to melt it. The more precious metals would sink to the bottom. The unimportant materials like the rock, called "dross," would float to the top. The refiner would then scrape or blow the dross off. Then they would let the metal cool and repeat the process. Each time the precious metal would be cleaned out a little more, becoming a little more pure.

"Behold, I have refined you, but not as silver; I have tried you in the furnace of affliction." Isaiah 48:10 (ESV)

"Furnace of Affliction." Sounds a lot like my depression cycle. When the heat comes on me, the nasty comes out. He wants to remove the ugly from my heart. Sometimes my ugly is close to the surface, and only requires a quick burst of fire. Some of my ugly was buried deep. It required a slow simmer of 20 years until I reached the boiling point and the nasty came to the very top.

And then the dross was gone. I felt better. I felt like a clean person. To be noted: I no longer felt like that horrible dirty person I had been thinking I was. I didn't suck anymore. I wasn't a bad mother anymore. Life changed.

In the last two days my computer got a virus and my ceiling has started dripping water mere hours before a snow storm is supposed to hit. Blasted monkeys with their blasted wrenches prodded me to once again take out my frustrations on my children. But I felt the Holy Spirit say, "No." I stepped back. I didn't yell at them...that time.

I'm thankful to see the ugly because that means it can be removed.

I'm not done, but I'm done for now.

Day 13: I am Thankful for Forever

2012-01-07T16:50:00.000-08:00

There is an aspect to my worldview, my belief system, that has probably held me together more than any other idea.

It is the knowledge that this world isn't all there is.

I now believe that life with depression can still be "good," primarily with treatment. But when it was really bad, dank and dark, I certainly did not feel that hopeful.

At my worst, I was convinced that life would never be anything but awful. When I would cycle around, I was convinced that even if I did get a little better, the depression would always come back.

When mental illness wasn't drowning me, it was haunting me.

The glue that kept me from spinning completely to pieces was the belief that there is another life. One that has been promised to me to be so amazing I can't even begin to imagine it.

"He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away." Revelation 21:4 (NIV)

This belief in something better kept me from ending it all. I may not have been able to drum up the faith that this life would ever get better, but I had the future to look forward to, after death. Somehow, this belief never drove me to try to commit suicide, to get there faster. Instead, when the malignant voice in my head was unbearable, it helped me hold on just one more day...because I know that day is coming.

Eternal perspective. It helps.

I'm not done, but I'm done for now.

Day 12: I am Thankful I am Helpless

2012-01-05T16:21:00.000-08:00

Watch a TV talk show. I'll tell you what it will say.

"Believe in yourself."

"Dream big enough."

"You are worth it."

"You can DO it."

"What is your heart telling you to do? Do that."

Etcetera, etcetera, etcetera...(1..2..Tree)

Our talk shows, our movies, our story books all want us to know that we have the power to make ourselves better. How very ego-centric of us.

All of the above statements sound good. They make you feel all warm and fuzzy like a extra grande cup of mocha macchiato espresso latte.

But if you look at our society in general, you'll notice that they don't work. At least, they didn't for me.

I had no more ability to whittle out of my depression than I would be able to keep a two-story fall from breaking a bone. I tried to be positive. I tried to change my ways. I failed...a LOT...

When I tried to work out my inner turmoil on my own I always, always managed to fudge it up. For instance, I would say to myself, "I'm not going to be bullied." And dag nabit, no one bullied me. No one dared. Instead I put my emotional hands into fists and created an impenetrable wall. A wall that bit anyone who got too close and shut me off from the rest of the world. All I did was succeed in creating a new problem. One that not only hurt me, but hurt others around me as well.

It was never my intention to maim anyone, but I did. It is the nature of humanity to be entrapped in sin. You see, when "sin" entered the world, it didn't just make us cuss, smoke, and chew (or rape, enslave and murder). It fractured EVERYTHING.

God knows about my condition. And He didn't just sit by and watch me implode. He sent Someone, Who loved me so much He was willing to be tortured and murdered to rescue me. Instead of watching me wither, He went to war and conquered sin.

So, I told Him. "I tried to fix this mess myself instead of asking You, the Conqueror to fix it. I'm sorry I made a vow to fix it in my own sinful power. Will YOU fix it inside me? Heal my pain? Heal my fears?"

It worked.

The emotional sunburn is gone. I've lost my knee-jerk over reaction. I'm able to open up to others who love me and want to support me.

A fear of bullying is just one example. Maybe you've decided that you won't let any man/woman break your heart again. Maybe you've decided that you'll never be financially broke again. Maybe you've decided that you'll never be overweight again.

"Peace I leave with you, MY peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid." John 14:27 ESV (emphasis added)

I know that not everyone will agree with me but the fact is that I know I was utterly helpless to fix me. Then the Holy Spirit stepped in. He produced perfect healing with no negative side effects. Something I was unable to do on my own.

Still not done, but I'm done for now.

Day 11: I am Thankful for my Kids

2012-01-04T11:56:00.000-08:00

Depression absolutely kills motivation. One of the quirks about depression is that if you have depression, you are often too depressed to get help for your depression. I know that when I was at my worst I was completely unable to function. I had difficulty getting out of bed. I had difficulty changing my clothes. I had difficulty taking a shower. I had difficulty feeding the children.

I was unable to get help on my own. I, instead, had a wonderful mother-in-law who called me every ten minutes one day until I made the doctor's appointment. Then my husband gave me the choice of driving myself to the doctor or he was driving me to the doctor. I thank them.

Blessedly, these days I have a few other motivators.

1. I never, ever, ever, ever want to be in that dark, evil place again. So I will get help before I get that bad, while I still have the ability to motivate myself towards help.

2. Their names are Addison, Wyatt, Fischer and Kellen. Ages 11, 9, 3 and 1. They deserve to have a mother. They deserve to have a mother that is engaged and not disconnected. They deserve to have a mother that is able to reign in her emotions to a healthy level. The thought of causing them pain because of my pain is terrifying to the core.

Along with simply getting myself healthy so I can be a first-class mommy, I also want to set an example. I am aware that statistically, depression runs in families. I believe there are genetic and spiritual traits that we pass to our children. If I look backwards, throughout my extended family, I can definitely see the trend in reverse. The thought that I may pass depression on to my children makes me cold. The most important thing I can do is to create a healthy environment for them to grow up in. Their hope is decreased if they have an unstable mother.

I want to create an environment within my home where getting help is honestly not a big deal. Life can be hard. Life will be hard. I want to get them help when it's hard without making them feel like they are failing.

"Direct your children onto the right path,

and when they are older, they will not leave it."

Proverbs 22:6 (NLT)

God honestly didn't mean for us to do this life business on our own. He created this concept of community.

I'm not done but I'm done for now.

Day 10: I am Thankful for Church

2012-01-03T11:40:00.000-08:00

This installment is actually pretty difficult to put to paper for all to see but I set out to be honest and open concerning my depression. And judging from the messages I've been getting, I now know I'm not the only one who has felt the way I've felt.

When I'm thankful for church I don't mean in the typical "churchy" sense. Yes it is the place where believers gather to worship together by singing and listening to preaching and teaching and to learning how to give and yadda, yadda, yadda, all that stuff.

I want to talk about one purpose church has served for me.

Church is where the fact that I am struggling slaps me full on in the face. When I am broken and in a dark place, church is the place where I see all the other people who aren't as broken as me. Yes, I realize that everyone has their problems, but lets face it, church is where people are pretty. Church is where everyone around me is happy.

Cognitively, I understand that other people have issues too. But emotionally, I have a difficult time connecting what I know with what I seem to see. I am not thinking of hypocrisy. That is not my discussion for today. At my old church I knew people well enough to know that they were going through hard times and yet the still had a genuine joy.

The part that is wrong, the part that is broken, is the dialogue inside me.

At the current church I attend, I'm still fairly new. I don't know the problems of the lady sitting next to me. I just know that she got here before me so she was on-time while I was late. I passed by her car and it was clean whereas mine is dirty. It's likely her house is in better shape than mine. She was not lazy and overslept like I did. Her hair is not frizzy, nor slightly wet because she didn't take the time to dry it, nor did she forget to put on her make-up. She's skinnier than me. When she smiles it reaches her eyes. Etc...at sonic speed.

This thinking is not healthy. We all know that comparison is the wrong thing to do. It is not wise. But it is a genuine glimpse of what goes on in my head when it's black in there.

"But when they measure themselves by one another

and compare themselves with one another,

they are without understanding."

2 Corinthians 10:12b (ESV)

The self-hatred can be on full tilt roar by the time I reach the parking lot on some Sunday mornings.

Thankfully, I haven't had any of these tortuous Sunday morning services lately. But today I am thankful for them. For one, something WAS broken inside me. The Holy Spirit used the torment of my thoughts to drive me towards Him and towards getting help. Getting help drove me towards healing.

If you're tormented by self-hatred and feeling inadequate, you are not alone.

Done for now.

How to Sanitize Your Floors in 3 Easy Steps.

2012-01-02T14:25:00.000-08:00

Step 1:

I had to run to Wal-mart. (Ewww.) I got back a couple of minutes after 8 pm. 8:00 o'clock is bedtime. While I was gone the babies, ages 3 and 21 months, found a way to run naked. They seem to do this when I leave them home with Dad. It can result in disaster. I came back home to my husband spraying the kitchen floor with bleach. The conversation went something like this:

Derick: "Be careful where you step! I'm not sure if I got it all!"

Me: "What happened?"

Derick: "Well, Fischer told me he peed. I was distracted. I didn't really believe him. Then I heard giggles in the kitchen. Fischer said, 'Daddy, we're jumping over my pee-pee. Well, Kellen's just walking over it'." (Ewww.)

Derick face-palmed and looked at me sort of desperately.

Me: "You get the floor, I'll bathe the kids."

Step 2:

I went to bathe the children. I turned on the water and made sure the temperature was friendly. I then placed the babies in the tub as it filled up. I turned my back to get a washcloth from the basket on the counter. Screams, terrified screams, erupted from the bathtub. The 1-year-old played with the faucet and turned the shower on. They were both standing up in the tub and screaming in terror. I quickly turned the shower off and I laughed. And laughed. And laughed.

Kellen was DONE with bath time (maybe for forever). I had to wrestle him to get him very quickly soaped up and rinsed off. I was soaking wet in the 2 minutes it took to get him semi-clean. He is too short to climb out of the tub on his own very well but I caught him as he jumped out. Poor child is traumatized.

Step 3:

As soon as I got the kids dried off, Fischer eyes grew to saucers, "I need to poop!" So I pointed back at the soaking wet bathroom. Kellen, adores his big brother and wants to be with him at all times, including pooping time. Fischer decided that he didn't want Kellen in the bathroom with him, so he got off the potty to push Kellen out of the bathroom and shut the door. Then I heard a wail emanate from the bathroom. Went in to to investigate and Fischer had been unable to make it BACK to the potty in time. (Again, Ewww.) Now I have to clean up the mess in the bathroom and sanitize the floors. I also have to fold the laundry in the dryer so I can rotate the laundry around and wash the bathmats. I am once again super thankful for the "Sanitary" cycle on my washing machine.

I got the babies jammied and put on Little Einsteins while I finished cleaning up. It normally takes about 20 minutes for me to get Fischer into bed. Last night it took an hour and a half. But, hey, at least my floors were clean.

Day 9: I am Thankful for Patience

2011-12-30T09:36:00.000-08:00

...Not that I actually have much of my own...

When I was still growing up, well, how about we just rewind to when I was in college. I did my research in a library by sourcing through magazines and books using a card catalogue. I actually knew people's phone numbers beyond dialing, "Mom." And if I didn't know someone's phone number, I called information or I looked it up in either the White Pages or the Yellow Pages.

I typed my first 10 page research paper on a typewriter. I was considered lucky on my hall because I had one of those typewriters that could erase & re-type. Eventually, my roommate let me use her word processor. Amazing!

There was no fast forwarding through commercials. We looked up movie times in the paper. If I tried to call my then boyfriend, Derick, while his mom was talking to him on his WALL phone, this annoying beep-beep sound started up declaring the line "busy."

My the world has changed. (And I sound like an old woman...barefoot, in the snow, uphill, BOTH ways...)

My 11-year-old is in competitive swimming. His practices are held at the University of Alaska Anchorage. Recently, the school slowed down it's Wifi to combat the number of folks pirating movies and music.

It.is.driving.me.crazy.

It takes longer than 10 seconds for me to get anything up on the screen of my phone! The outrage.

It is very human (and very Pentecostal) to expect God to hand me instant healing. I should pray in the altar, with faith, and all should be well from that moment on in my heart. Except I found that He doesn't do things the way I'd like Him to.

Unlike the rest of the world, unlike my own surburbian world, He is not in a hurry.

From looking at the stories in the Bible, God is as much into the process or the journey of a life as He is into the end result. Abraham was 100 when Isaac was born. Moses was 80 when he led the Israelites out of Egypt and into the wilderness.

Going to the ultimate story, the Gospel story, God spent about 4,000 years building up to the moment when Christ would appear on earth.

It took me 20 years to get through my depression. God wasn't frustrated with me, either, because I wasn't figuring it out. He knew from the beginning the exact date my depression would start AND the exact moment it would end. He was not in hurry. He was not anxious. He didn't bite His nails or twirl His hair or wring His hands.

He had patience.

"'My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts,' says the Lord.

'And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine'." Isaiah 55:8 (NLT)

I wish I would have patience like Him. But He is slowly, ever so slowly building it. He's good like that.

My Moment of Bliss

2011-12-29T11:14:00.000-08:00

I've been sick for the last several days. I protest my ill status declaring that all mothers should be exempt from all malady for at least the first five years of their children's lives. Alas, the bacteria and virii (plural of virus? no?) aren't in agreement with me.

I'd call them booger-heads but in reality, I'm the literal booger-head. (Snort, sniff, blow)

But, I have found one brief moment of happiness while I lie in my bed. It is not while I'm sleeping because I honestly don't get to do much of that sleeping thing what with two still sorta in diapers and all.

It is not while I'm dreaming since sickness tends to bring on the weirdest dreams. (Right after pregnancy...whoa!...am I right?)

It is not even the comfort of being snuggled in soft sheets and being warm, a rarity for us Alaskans.

Since I'm snotty and boogery it is not currently even in a passionate embrace with my husband. (giggle)

My moment of bliss, my glorious moment of bliss last for but a couple of minutes, several times a night. It is after I've rolled over...and waited for the gunk in my head to settle...and for, maybe, two delightful minutes I can breathe out of BOTH sides of my nose. I love that feeling.

I think my cold medicine has made me loopy...