TortureVision Television

The Devil's Rain (1975)

TortureVision@gmail.com (Anthony Dynar and Branden Haize.) — Thu, 9 Mar 2017 17:51:00 -0700

A group of Satan worshippers (lead by Ernest Borgnine) are searching for an ancient book. Within this tome lies the secrets behind hatching a giant egg. The egg contains a mixture of human souls and unholy precipitation. Only William Shatner and Tom Skerritt can protect the world from choking on a soggy omelette of agony and despair.

Be sure to check out Mobcasting.org for other great content!

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The Pit (1981)

TortureVision@gmail.com (Anthony Dynar and Branden Haize.) — Thu, 2 Mar 2017 18:08:00 -0700

A creepy child and his demonic teddy bear friend stumble upon a pit full of monsters out in the woods. It's your average coming of age tale involving sexual harassment and human sacrifice.

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Frogs (1972)

TortureVision@gmail.com (Anthony Dynar and Branden Haize.) — Fri, 17 Feb 2017 07:10:00 -0700

5 score and 7 years after the abolishment of slavery, a small marsh land in Florida is infested with psychic frogs. Will the inhabitants of the planet learn to reuse, reduce, and recycle to stay alive?!

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Magic (1978)

TortureVision@gmail.com (Anthony Dynar and Branden Haize.) — Thu, 9 Feb 2017 19:37:00 -0700

Anthony Hopkins is 50% magician, 50% ventriloquist, and 100% crazy in this unsung 1970's gem called Magic. If you weren't already creeped out by ventriloquist dummies, you will be after listening to this episode!

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Bone 1972

TortureVision@gmail.com (Anthony Dynar and Branden Haize.) — Fri, 3 Feb 2017 09:05:00 -0700

Bill and Bernadette are an unhappily married couple, living a complete lie in almost every respect. They reside in a fabulous mansion, and drive a flashy car, but they're flat broke (and living on credit). Their miserable lives take an even bigger turn for the worse when a criminal named Bone attempts to rob them blind

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Edith's 50th Birthday S08E04&05

TortureVision@gmail.com (Anthony Dynar and Branden Haize.) — Sat, 5 Nov 2016 14:01:00 -0700

The term "very special episode" translates to "absolute trainwreck" in this extremely hard to watch episode of All in the Family, where Edith Bunker gets sexually assaulted (while the live studio audience laughs uncontrollably)!

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An Unexpected Love (2003)

TortureVision@gmail.com (Anthony Dynar and Branden Haize.) — Sat, 5 Nov 2016 13:41:00 -0700

When Kate's marriage to her husband Jack falls apart, her sexual interests sway toward the female persuasion. Attracted to a woman named McNally, Kate fires up a lesbian relationship that sends shockwaves throughout her personal life. Also, actor Brent Spiner makes an appearance as a man who has even less emotions than Data from Star Trek.

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She Woke Up Pregnant (1996)

TortureVision@gmail.com (Anthony Dynar and Branden Haize.) — Sat, 5 Nov 2016 13:26:00 -0700

One fateful day, happy housewife Connie Loftis went to the dentist's office to get an oral check-up. Unfortunately, her pervy dentist was more interested in exploring a different orifice. A few months later, Connie discovered that she was impregnated while passed out on anesthetic! This is the Lifetime movie that stresses the importance of good oral hygiene.

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Heil Honey I'm Home! S01E01

TortureVision@gmail.com (Anthony Dynar and Branden Haize.) — Sat, 5 Nov 2016 13:06:00 -0700

On September 30th, 1990, writer/producer Geoff Atkinson gave the world a sitcom nobody wanted. It depicted Adolf Hitler in a similar fashion to shows like “The Honeymooners” and “I Love Lucy.” Titled Heil Honey I'm Home!, this ill-conceived “spoof” of 1950's sitcoms was cancelled after its very first episode. On this episode of TortureVision, we analyze this self-proclaimed “Hitcom”, discuss its historical inaccuracies and research what the cast and crew are up to now.

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Follow that Bird (1985)

TortureVision@gmail.com (Anthony Dynar and Branden Haize.) — Sat, 23 May 2015 21:15:00 -0700

When a closed-minded segregationist group, The Feathered Friends, learns that Big Bird is living amongst mixed races (and species) on Sesames Street, they scramble to find him a “proper” birds-only home. Once relocated, Big Bird gets homesick and attempts to find his way back to Sesame Street.

TortureVision Rating: BAD

Good features were better than expected. Bad features were awful, yet still enjoyable. Abortions were utter torment to sit through.

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Volume 2 of Minis (Episodes 8-14)

TortureVision@gmail.com (Anthony Dynar and Branden Haize.) — Sat, 2 May 2015 14:12:00 -0700

TortureVision Presents Volume #2 of Minis, a compilation of episodes 8-14, for your consumption [Remo Williams (1985), The Baby (1973), American Gothic (1988), The Incredible 2 Headed Transplant (1971), Black Moon Rising (1986), Starcrash (1978), and The Twilight Zone S03E08].

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Teen Wolf (1985)

TortureVision@gmail.com (Anthony Dynar and Branden Haize.) — Sat, 21 Mar 2015 16:15:00 -0700

High school student Scott Howard (played by 23 year old Michael J. Fox) finds himself going through some very unique life changes. At first he believes his troubles to be (late) puberty, but they're soon revealed to be hereditary lycanthropy! He tries to hide his condition, for all of two minutes, but an unexpected transformation on the school basketball court reveals his unusual secret to the public. Now both Scott and the residents of Beacontown must find a way to deal with the cold, hard truth that werewolves exist!

TortureVision Rating: BAD

Good features were better than expected. Bad features were awful, yet still enjoyable. Abortions were utter torment to sit through.

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Boxing Helena (1993)

TortureVision@gmail.com (Anthony Dynar and Branden Haize.) — Fri, 23 Jan 2015 07:34:00 -0700

Actor Julian Sands plays Dr. Nick Cavanaugh, a man who's sickly obsessed with a beautiful, but bitchy, woman named Helena, played by actress Sherilyn Fenn. Helena wants absolutely nothing to do with Nick, but fate sticks them together under the most bizarre circumstances.

TortureVision Rating: BAD

Good features were better than expected. Bad features were awful, yet still enjoyable. Abortions were utter torment to sit through.

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Cliffhanger (1993)

TortureVision@gmail.com (Anthony Dynar and Branden Haize.) — Wed, 31 Dec 2014 15:32:00 -0700

Sylvester Stallone plays Gabe Walker, a park ranger that's part man and part mountain goat. Gabe works in the field of technical rescue, tasked with ensuring the safety of all mountain climbers and outdoor sportsmen within his jurisdiction. One day, while responding to a phony rescue call, Gabe (and his best enemy-friend, Hal) unwittingly become pawns in a criminal plot to steal money from the United States Government.

TortureVision Rating: BAD

Good features were better than expected. Bad features were awful, yet still enjoyable. Abortions were utter torment to sit through.

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Man of Steel (2013)

TortureVision@gmail.com (Anthony Dynar and Branden Haize.) — Sun, 14 Dec 2014 08:55:00 -0700

Regretfully, we don't have time to write a summary for this week's episode. An earth-wide state of emergency has been declared, as water, power and many other civil services have been disrupted across the globe. The utter devastation caused by Kryptonian hands is still being assessed, as millions are presumed dead and early financial losses are estimated to be in the quattuordecillions.

TortureVision Rating: BAD

Good features were better than expected. Bad features were awful, yet still enjoyable. Abortions were utter torment to sit through.

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The Next Karate Kid (1994)

TortureVision@gmail.com (Anthony Dynar and Branden Haize.) — Sat, 25 Oct 2014 14:26:00 -0700

It took several decades, but little Ralph Macchio finally grew up! Too physically mature to continue playing a child in The Karate Kid films, the franchise had to revamp itself with Hilary Swank (as character Julie Pierce) in the titular role. After the death of her parents, Julie moves into her grandmother's home, only to be abandoned shortly thereafter. Mr. Miyagi takes it upon himself to raise the orphan child- much like he raised Daniel LaRusso. Also, because Julie's school is full of dangerous rapists, Miyagi reluctantly agrees to teach her some karate-based self-defense techniques.

TortureVision Rating: ABORTION

Good features were better than expected. Bad features were awful, yet still enjoyable. Abortions were utter torment to sit through.

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7th Heaven S08E09

TortureVision@gmail.com (Anthony Dynar and Branden Haize.) — Wed, 8 Oct 2014 21:32:00 -0700

Today we take a look at "7th Heaven," in light of Stephen Collins' recent child molestation allegations.

TortureVision Rating: ABORTION

Good features were better than expected. Bad features were awful, yet still enjoyable. Abortions were utter torment to sit through.

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Penance (I) (2014)

100% of all proceeds from the purchase/renting of Penance goes to the JAMES STOREHOUSE FOUNDATION for helping abused children transition into foster care from abusive homes. More information about this foundation can be found at www.jamesstorehouse.org

The Day My Kid Went Punk (1987)

TortureVision@gmail.com (Anthony Dynar and Branden Haize.) — Sat, 4 Oct 2014 11:55:00 -0700

ABC Afterschool Specials S16E03 (The Day My Kid Went Punk)

Terry plays violin in his high school band, but it's the 1980's and classical music hasn't been cool for roughly 200 years. Terribly unpopular and desperate for some tail, Terry decides to trade in his ancient instrument for an electric guitar, and spruce up his dweeby appearance with a punk rock makeover. This drastic metamorphosis receives mostly negative attention, however, since society is quick to judge “punkers” as trouble-making deviants.

TortureVision Rating: BAD

Good features were better than expected. Bad features were awful, yet still enjoyable. Abortions were utter torment to sit through.

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Volume 1 of Minis (Episodes 1-7)

TortureVision@gmail.com (Anthony Dynar and Branden Haize.) — Sun, 28 Sep 2014 12:01:00 -0700

TortureVision Presents Volume #1 of Minis, a compilation of episodes 1-7, for your consumption (Linda and Abilene, Not of this Earth, Humanoids from the Deep, Urge to kill, Automan, The Gary Coleman Show S01E01, and Dinosaurs S04E07).

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Jurassic Park 2 (1997)

TortureVision@gmail.com (Anthony Dynar and Branden Haize.) — Sun, 14 Sep 2014 08:01:00 -0700

A few characters you grew to love in Jurassic Park have returned for an unnecessary sequel, determined to ruin your opinions of them and shit upon your fond memories of the original film. In this dino-sized episode we take a look back at The Lost World, as well as discuss the JP franchise as a whole.

TortureVision Rating: ABORTION

Good features were better than expected. Bad features were awful, yet still enjoyable. Abortions were utter torment to sit through.

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Supergirl (1984)

TortureVision@gmail.com (Anthony Dynar and Branden Haize.) — Mon, 4 Aug 2014 08:58:00 -0700

In matters of equality, public opinion in the 1980's was open-minded enough to give us a female superhero movie, but unfortunately our heroine was forced to act like an empty-headed bimbo. Actress Helen Slater plays Supergirl, the cousin of Superman, who comes to earth and battles a witch for the most important thing in the universe... the love of a handsome man. It's an action-less extravaganza that both bores audiences and stifles feminism!

TortureVision Rating: ABORTION

Good features were better than expected. Bad features were awful, yet still enjoyable. Abortions were utter torment to sit through.

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Batman Returns (1992)

TortureVision@gmail.com (Anthony Dynar and Branden Haize.) — Sat, 19 Jul 2014 06:30:00 -0700

Joel Schumacher certainly deserved all the harsh criticism he received after his gross mishandling of the Batman franchise. Both of his Batman movies were overly colorful, campy, kid-friendly piles of crap. It should be noted, however, that Schumacher didn't exactly inherit a flawless property. When viewed through modern perspectives, pushing all nostalgia aside, Tim Burton's Batman Returns is undeniably quite silly and embarrassing.

TortureVision Rating: BAD

Good features were better than expected. Bad features were awful, yet still enjoyable. Abortions were utter torment to sit through.

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NightMan (S01E01&02)

TortureVision@gmail.com (Anthony Dynar and Branden Haize.) — Sun, 13 Jul 2014 16:15:00 -0700

Violently struck by lightning, saxophone sensation Johnny Domino acquires the psychic ability to “tune into the frequency of evil.” This means he can receive audio and visual transmissions of criminal activities. If you think that sounds ridiculous, just wait until you heard the story behind his crime-fighting super-suit!

TortureVision Rating: BAD

Good features were better than expected. Bad features were awful, yet still enjoyable. Abortions were utter torment to sit through.

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The Amazing Spider-Man S02E01 (1978)

TortureVision@gmail.com (Anthony Dynar and Branden Haize.) — Sat, 5 Jul 2014 07:59:00 -0700

When comic books are adapted into live-action adventures, the audience often prefers a certain amount of realism be inserted into the situation- even if it doesn't necessary exist in the source material itself. Too much realism can kill off all the fun, however, just like it did in the 1970's Spider-Man television show. In this horribly boring production, Spider-Man has no comedic wit, no charismatic qualities, and most importantly... no super-villains for enemies! For this podcast we watched the second season premiere, The Captive Tower, where terrorists seized a high-rise full of civilians, but failed to capture our interests.

TortureVision Rating: ABORTION

Good features were better than expected. Bad features were awful, yet still enjoyable. Abortions were utter torment to sit through.

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Wishmaster 2: Evil Never Dies (1999)

TortureVision@gmail.com (Anthony Dynar and Branden Haize.) — Sat, 28 Jun 2014 08:59:00 -0700

“Nathaniel Demerest”, the evil djinn, is once again released from gemstone quarantine- and this time his plans for world domination are completely different! Nathaniel worms his way inside a maximum security prison where he proceeds to trade wishes to hapless inmates in exchange for their souls. Upon collecting 1000 souls, Nathaniel aims to trigger the apocalypse- and only Morgana, a professional art thief, and Gregory, an uptight priest, have the strength (through Christ) to stop him.

TortureVision Rating: BAD

Good features were better than expected. Bad features were awful, yet still enjoyable. Abortions were utter torment to sit through.

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Wishmaster (1997)

TortureVision@gmail.com (Anthony Dynar and Branden Haize.) — Sun, 22 Jun 2014 09:31:00 -0700

“Nathaniel Demerest” is a djinn, or evil genie, who deviously uses semantics to turn peoples deepest wishes into deadly nightmares. When Alexandra, an auctioneer-slash-gym coach, unwittingly releases Nathaniel from his gemstone prison, she finds herself the target of his grievous generosity. Armed with a sharp mind, and a shitload of textbook research, Alexandra matches wits with Nathaniel in an effort to save herself (and the entire world).

TortureVision Rating: BAD

Good features were better than expected. Bad features were awful, yet still enjoyable. Abortions were utter torment to sit through.

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Thinner (1996)

TortureVision@gmail.com (Anthony Dynar and Branden Haize.) — Sat, 14 Jun 2014 18:40:00 -0700

A TortureVision Holiday Special:
William Halleck is an obese lawyer who accidentally runs over a gypsy woman with his car. Calling upon friends in high places, William manages to walk away from the incident Scot-free, angering the gypsy clan. Seeking revenge, the gypsy leader curses William and his friends, forcing them to suffer for what they've done. William, now afflicted with rapid weight loss, struggles to free himself of the curse before he wastes away to nothing. We gorged on this fatty Stephen King feast with our father in celebration of Father's Day.

TortureVision Rating: ABORTION

Good features were better than expected. Bad features were awful, yet still enjoyable. Abortions were utter torment to sit through.

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The Hitcher (1986)

TortureVision@gmail.com (Anthony Dynar and Branden Haize.) — Sun, 8 Jun 2014 09:06:00 -0700

Hollywood has introduced us to some really stupid characters throughout the years, but Jim Halsey might just be the worst of the bunch. While traveling out of state one day, Jim picks up a murderous hitchhiker- and Jim's piss-poor decision making skills enable these two adversaries to stick together for 97 long, insufferable minutes.

TortureVision Rating: ABORTION

Good features were better than expected. Bad features were awful, yet still enjoyable. Abortions were utter torment to sit through.

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Wolf (1994)

TortureVision@gmail.com (Anthony Dynar and Branden Haize.) — Sun, 1 Jun 2014 18:54:00 -0700

Jack Nicholson plays Will Randall, the chief editor of a prestigious publishing company. His job is very strenuous, being an environment full of high-stakes drama and politics. Oh, and Will's also a werewolf... but that aspect of his life is more-or-less treated like an unimportant side-story.

TortureVision Rating: ABORTION

Good features were better than expected. Bad features were awful, yet still enjoyable. Abortions were utter torment to sit through.

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Scream and Scream Again (1970)

TortureVision@gmail.com (Anthony Dynar and Branden Haize.) — Mon, 26 May 2014 09:02:00 -0700

A TortureVision Holiday Special:

Peter Cushing was born on May 26, 1913, Vincent Price was born on May 27th, 1911, and Christopher Lee was born on May 27th, 1922. In celebration of these classic horror movie legends, we watched one of only two features in which they all appeared together, Scream and Scream Again (1970). If the plot made any sense, we'd be able to summarize it for you, but unfortunately that's not an option.

TortureVision Rating: ABORTION

Good features were better than expected. Bad features were awful, yet still enjoyable. Abortions were utter torment to sit through.

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Dawn of the Dead (1978)

TortureVision@gmail.com (Anthony Dynar and Branden Haize.) — Sat, 17 May 2014 16:21:00 -0700

As the world succumbs to a zombie outbreak, four survivalists take refuge inside an abandoned shopping mall. They live in relative luxury, dining on wine and Spam like kings, until a roaming gang of bikers invade their peaceful kingdom. This movie is guaranteed to get your blood pressure rising and make you hungry for whipped-cream pie.

TortureVision Rating: BAD

Good features were better than expected. Bad features were awful, yet still enjoyable. Abortions were utter torment to sit through.

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A Woman Scorned (1992)

TortureVision@gmail.com (Anthony Dynar and Branden Haize.) — Sat, 10 May 2014 15:44:00 -0700

A TortureVision Holiday Special:

Betty's an irrational woman who treats her husband badly, so he ultimately files for divorce. Feeling spurned by the split, Betty makes it her full-time job to stalk and harass her ex-husband (as well as his new love interest). Unfortunately, this game of bitch-and-mouse ends in tragedy- a classic trademark of your average Lifetime movies. We watched this trashy biopic (“based on a true story”) with our mother in celebration of Mother's Day... because dear old mom enjoys this kind of dismal stuff.

TortureVision Rating: BAD

Good features were better than expected. Bad features were awful, yet still enjoyable. Abortions were utter torment to sit through.

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Fatal Footage, Episode 1

TortureVision@gmail.com (Anthony Dynar and Branden Haize.) — Sat, 26 Apr 2014 23:35:00 -0700

Here at TortureVision, the manner in which we rate media is fairly simple. We reserve the “Good” rating for features that were better than expected. We deem “Bad” features as awful, yet still enjoyable productions. Lastly, we disregard painfully miserable features as “Abortions.” When devising this system we had no clue we'd ever encounter suffering worse than the latter- but two horrendous films took us by complete surprise... David Cronenberg's Crash (1996) and Jamie Blanks' Valentine (2001). If you consider watching subpar media to be tantamount to torture, then you should think of these two features as Fatal Footage! In this episode we discuss Crash and Valentine, as well as share some behind-the-scenes thoughts and address a few frequently asked questions.

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ALF S04E24

TortureVision@gmail.com (Anthony Dynar and Branden Haize.) — Thu, 17 Apr 2014 16:13:00 -0700

The TV show ALF was a cheerful little sitcom about a short, furry alien who secretly lived with the Tanner family. The troublesome, yet humorous, circumstances that arose every episode were usually resolved in full by the time the end credits rolled. In the final episode, however, the series took an unexpectedly dark turn. Our titular character was captured by the United States Government, presumably to be killed and dissected. One thing's for sure... the Tanners never saw their beloved alien friend again!

TortureVision Rating: ABORTION

Good features were better than expected. Bad features were awful, yet still enjoyable. Abortions were utter torment to sit through.

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Soylent Green (1973)

TortureVision@gmail.com (Anthony Dynar and Branden Haize.) — Sat, 12 Apr 2014 18:08:00 -0700

Official Movie Poster

Spoiler Alert: Soylent Green is made of people! Soylent Industries is grinding up the corpses of our neighbors and loved ones and feeding them to us in green, food-cube form! Having said all that, the whole ordeal still seems more ethical and respectable than the shenanigans you hear about from Monsanto.

Good features were better than expected. Bad features were awful, yet still enjoyable. Abortions were utter torment to sit through.

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Family Ties S01E06

TortureVision@gmail.com (Anthony Dynar and Branden Haize.) — Sun, 6 Apr 2014 22:27:00 -0700

Uncle Arthur is a sad little man who's mentally confused. He's simultaneously suffering through divorce and midlife crisis... or at least that's his pathetic excuse for why he made unwanted sexual advances toward his young niece, Mallory Keaton. Okay, so “Uncle Arthur” isn't actually related by blood to the Keaton family, but by accepting their friendly moniker of “uncle” he should probably find his prey (I mean “dates”) from some other household.

TortureVision Rating: ABORTION

Good features were better than expected. Bad features were awful, yet still enjoyable. Abortions were utter torment to sit through.

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Baywatch Nights S02E02

TortureVision@gmail.com (Anthony Dynar and Branden Haize.) — Mon, 31 Mar 2014 22:18:00 -0700

The beaches of Los Angeles might look appealing in the sunlight, but after sunset they contain more rapists than sand-grains! These sexual deviants are so horny, they'll attack any female within sight... even if she's part fish! Thankfully, famed lifeguard Mitch Buchannon moonlights as a freelance detective, solving crimes in the late-night hours, thus safeguarding the beaches for us all (normal or otherwise).

TortureVision Rating: BAD

Good features were better than expected. Bad features were awful, yet still enjoyable. Abortions were utter torment to sit through.

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Left Behind (2000)

TortureVision@gmail.com (Anthony Dynar and Branden Haize.) — Thu, 27 Mar 2014 21:13:00 -0700

In a world where no one has any concept of “the rapture”, those left behind in its wake are completely dumbfounded when much of the world's population simply disappears. Kirk Cameron plays the part of Buck Williams, a perfectly nice and friendly guy who fails to get raptured. Buck quickly accompanies a good-natured pilot and a neighborly priest, also characters shunned by the Lord. Just how strict were God's requirements to get into Heaven, anyway? Together, these three charming companions strive to live a proper Christian lifestyle while simultaneously defeating the newly risen Anti-Christ.

TortureVision Rating: BAD

Good features were better than expected. Bad features were awful, yet still enjoyable. Abortions were utter torment to sit through.

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Slugs (1988)

TortureVision@gmail.com (Anthony Dynar and Branden Haize.) — Thu, 20 Mar 2014 14:44:00 -0700

When a rural town is overtaken by tiny mutant slugs, both the Sheriff and the Mayor refuse to acknowledge their existence... despite the influx of numerous strange and unexplained deaths. Only Mike Brady, a local health inspector, and Don Palmer, a local sanitation worker, are willing to face the mutant menace head-on. One can only wonder, in the sad aftermath of this film, how much better things would have been if some proper authorities had taken charge instead.

TortureVision Rating: BAD

Good features were better than expected. Bad features were awful, yet still enjoyable. Abortions were utter torment to sit through.

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Leprechaun (1993)

TortureVision@gmail.com (Anthony Dynar and Branden Haize.) — Mon, 17 Mar 2014 10:33:00 -0700

A TortureVision Holiday Special:

We decided to celebrate St. Patrick's Day by watching Jennifer Aniston's career-defining achievement, the 1993 horror movie masterpiece, Leprechaun. Joining us on this momentous podcast is a very special guest, the world-famous Indian mime, "Adi"! (Please excuse our appalling lack of geographical knowledge. At one point we stupidly mistake Ireland for Scotland, which are of course two completely different locations.)

TortureVision Rating: BAD

Good features were better than expected. Bad features were awful, yet still enjoyable. Abortions were utter torment to sit through.

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Manimal S01E01

TortureVision@gmail.com (Anthony Dynar and Branden Haize.) — Thu, 13 Mar 2014 22:34:00 -0700

Professor Jonathan Chase has the amazing (and completely mysterious) ability to transform into any kind of animal he wants... though for the most part he usually just chooses to be a panther. He uses this unique power to fight crime, and violate the privacy of unsuspecting women. We watched this mighty morphing panther pervert's very first adventure, the self-titled pilot episode, Manimal.

TortureVision Rating: BAD

Good features were better than expected. Bad features were awful, yet still enjoyable. Abortions were utter torment to sit through.

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Reign of Fire (2002)

TortureVision@gmail.com (Anthony Dynar and Branden Haize.) — Mon, 10 Mar 2014 18:00:00 -0700

The dwarves delved too greedily and too deep. You know what they awoke in the darkness of Khazad-dum... shadow and flame. Wait. I'm sorry. That's the wrong movie. The humans were the ones digging in this film, and they released a plague of fire-breathing dragons upon the world. Now, the whole of Azeroth will break, and all will burn beneath the shadow of their wings. Damn it, I got sidetracked again! This isn't Lord of the Rings, or World of Warcraft... this is Reign of Fire!

TortureVision Rating: GOOD

Good features were better than expected. Bad features were awful, yet still enjoyable. Abortions were utter torment to sit through.

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Mr. Belvedere S03E10

TortureVision@gmail.com (Anthony Dynar and Branden Haize.) — Sat, 1 Mar 2014 12:01:00 -0700

Went down to China, got addicted to speed. Who cares? When the pills became a habit, I nearly OD'ed. No one glared. 'Cause sometimes cravings get out of control and no ones spared. All the drugs went down below- through my guts and into my soul... gonna need the best rehab that we can get. According to the sober bible, life is more than meth revival... and we just might live the clean life yet.

TortureVision Rating: BAD

Good features were better than expected. Bad features were awful, yet still enjoyable. Abortions were utter torment to sit through.

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The Warriors (1979)

TortureVision@gmail.com (Anthony Dynar and Branden Haize.) — Mon, 24 Feb 2014 22:40:00 -0700

New York City is crawling with various street gangs, all hostile to one another, but Cyrus, the charismatic leader of the Gramercy Riffs, wants to set aside all differences and create one gigantic mega-gang. Once united, Cyrus hopes to wage war against the local authorities and claim the city as his own. His glorious plans of conquest are foiled, however, when he's shot to death at a gang-land rally. The murder is unjustly attributed to the Warriors, a Coney Island gang, and thus marks them all for death. 90% of this movie is watching the Warriors “bravely” flee from danger.

Film Rating: BAD

Good features were better than expected. Bad features were awful, yet still enjoyable. Abortions were utter torment to sit through.

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Between the Darkness and the Dawn (1985)

TortureVision@gmail.com (Anthony Dynar and Branden Haize.) — Thu, 20 Feb 2014 22:02:00 -0700

At the age of 17, Abigail Foster slips into an unexpected coma. 20 years later, she awakens to a “futuristic” world where nothing is the same. It's 1984. NASA has launched the last of America's deep space probes, her sister has married her boyfriend, and malt-shops have turned into 8-bit arcades. Cosmic forces beyond all comprehension have brought us this little gem of a made-for-TV-movie, Between the Darkness and the Dawn.

(We only wish it starred Erin Gray and Gil Gerard)

TortureVision Rating: BAD

Good features were better than expected. Bad features were awful, yet still enjoyable. Abortions were utter torment to sit through.

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Maude S01E09&10

TortureVision@gmail.com (Anthony Dynar and Branden Haize.) — Tue, 18 Feb 2014 18:40:00 -0700

Maude Findlay's a strong, mature, 47-year-old woman- an independent thinker with both razor-sharp wit and liberal sensibilities. One might even say her only flaw is her rigid revulsion to condoms. One night, after some wild, unprotected sexcapades with her husband Walter Findlay, Maude discovers that she's pregnant! Now, Maude must struggle with the options of giving birth or getting an abortion in this very special two-part episode, Maude's Dilemma.

TortureVision Rating: ABORTION

Good features were better than expected. Bad features were awful, yet still enjoyable. Abortions were utter torment to sit through.

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Waterworld (1995)

TortureVision@gmail.com (Anthony Dynar and Branden Haize.) — Mon, 17 Feb 2014 18:13:00 -0700

The polar ice caps have melted, causing a great flood that has swallowed the earth. The few unlucky survivors of this cataclysm live upon the enormous spherical sea like rats upon rafts, trying desperately to remain afloat. Our hero, the nameless mutant fish-man known only as “Mariner”, must find dry land by deciphering a crude map inked upon the back of “The Girl with the Everest Tattoo”.

TortureVision Rating: GOOD

Good features were better than expected. Bad features were awful, yet still enjoyable. Abortions were utter torment to sit through.

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House on Haunted Hill (1999)

TortureVision@gmail.com (Anthony Dynar and Branden Haize.) — Sat, 15 Feb 2014 12:53:00 -0700

Made 40 years after the original, this film certainly looks better, but the basic storyline remains dull and uninspired. You can splash perfume on a pile of shit, but it's much more logical to flush it down the toilet. Perhaps in another 40 years we'll try again. Coming soon to theaters: House on Haunted Hill (2039)!

TortureVision Rating: ABORTION

Good features were better than expected. Bad features were awful, yet still enjoyable. Abortions were utter torment to sit through.

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Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter (2012)

TortureVision@gmail.com (Anthony Dynar and Branden Haize.) — Wed, 12 Feb 2014 00:22:00 -0700

A TortureVision Holiday Special:

Abraham Lincoln was born on February 12^th, 1809, and in honor of his birthday we watched the atrocious distortion of his real life story, Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter. Becoming super-human by means left wholly unexplained, Honest Abe battles against an army of Confederate vampires for the fate of our great nation.

TortureVision Rating: Abortion

Good features were better than expected. Bad features were awful, yet still enjoyable. Abortions were utter torment to sit through.

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Hello Larry S01E04

TortureVision@gmail.com (Anthony Dynar and Branden Haize.) — Wed, 5 Feb 2014 14:25:00 -0700

McLean Stevenson is a 52-year old actor playing Larry Alder, a 44-year old radio psychologist. Recently divorced, and retaining full custody of his two teenage daughters, Larry has moved from Los Angeles to Portland, turning the trios life completely upside down. One night, Larry's oldest daughter, Diane, is overcome with homesickness and decides to hitch a ride back to LA, in the fairly mediocre episode, The Hitchhiker.

TortureVision Rating: BAD

Good features were better than expected. Bad features were awful, yet still enjoyable. Abortions were utter torment to sit through.

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House on Haunted Hill (1959)

TortureVision@gmail.com (Anthony Dynar and Branden Haize.) — Mon, 3 Feb 2014 15:58:00 -0700

An eccentric millionaire offers a huge sum of money to some highly unlikable characters if they all agree to spend the night locked inside a haunted mansion. What follows is a long, ghost-free night of pointless, boring, booze-fueled babbling... and no, I'm not referring to our podcast.

TortureVision Rating: ABORTION

Good features were better than expected. Bad features were awful, yet still enjoyable. Abortions were utter torment to sit through.

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The Dukes of Hazzard S07E15

TortureVision@gmail.com (Anthony Dynar and Branden Haize.) — Mon, 3 Feb 2014 13:33:00 -0700

The Dukes of Hazzard isn't exactly highbrow entertainment, but the scripts should still be somewhat intelligent, right? If this show once had any dignity, it jumped inside an alien spacecraft and flew far, far away in this outlandish episode, Strange Visitor to Hazzard.

TortureVision Rating: ABORTION

Good features were better than expected. Bad features were awful, yet still enjoyable. Abortions were utter torment to sit through.

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Mr. Belvedere S02E16

TortureVision@gmail.com (Anthony Dynar and Branden Haize.) — Mon, 3 Feb 2014 12:04:00 -0700

All hell breaks loose in the Owens residence when young Wesley tells his family that his best friend Dennis has AIDS. Fear and paranoia reign supreme, thanks to an appalling lack of education on the subject. Even the wise old Mr. Belvedere is clueless to the facts of the matter. Watch as reason and logic step aside for bad sitcom humor and mass hysteria in this “very special” episode, Wesley's Friend.

TortureVision Rating: ABORTION

Good features were better than expected. Bad features were awful, yet still enjoyable. Abortions were utter torment to sit through.

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Diff'rent Strokes S05E16&17

TortureVision@gmail.com (Anthony Dynar and Branden Haize.) — Sun, 2 Feb 2014 19:06:00 -0700

Young Arnold and his best friend Dudley love riding bikes. Unfortunately, the owner of their local bike shop loves riding young boys! Squirm in discomfort as you watch a dumpy, disgusting sexual predator invade an otherwise innocent sitcom in this “very special” storyline, The Bicycle Man.

TortureVision Rating: GOOD

Good features were better than expected. Bad features were awful, yet still enjoyable. Abortions were utter torment to sit through.

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The Prophecy (1995)

TortureVision@gmail.com (Anthony Dynar and Branden Haize.) — Sun, 2 Feb 2014 08:50:00 -0700

God has washed His hands of Heaven and earth, and in His absence, His angels have splintered into two distinct factions- those who cherish peace like Eric Stoltz, and those who crave combat like Christopher Walken. This supernatural civil war can only be won by the side that possesses the corrupted soul of a racist old military general. Unfortunately, said soul resides within the body of a young Indian girl. Naturally, a grade-school teacher and a priest-turned-cop must join forces to see that the girl is properly exorcised. Wait...what?

TortureVision Rating: GOOD

Good features were better than expected. Bad features were awful, yet still enjoyable. Abortions were utter torment to sit through.

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Over the Top (1987)

TortureVision@gmail.com (Anthony Dynar and Branden Haize.) — Sat, 1 Feb 2014 09:11:00 -0700

Sylvester Stallone is Lincoln Hawk, a cross-country truck driver who abandoned his family for no discernible reason. One day, when Hawk receives word that his estranged wife is dying, he nobly decides to give fatherhood a second shot, lest his son become an orphan. Together, Hawk and son build a unique relationship upon a strong foundation of cholesterol-free dinner-dates and over the top arm-wrestling.

TortureVision Rating: ABORTION

Good features were better than expected. Bad features were awful, yet still enjoyable. Abortions were utter torment to sit through.

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Death Race 2000 (1975)

TortureVision@gmail.com (Anthony Dynar and Branden Haize.) — Fri, 31 Jan 2014 13:17:00 -0700

It's the year 2000. America has fallen. The once great nation is now ruled by a cruel and twisted new government. Its citizens, oppressed and uneducated, are actively coaxed by the media to revel in a violent annual bloodsport known simply as the Death Race. Actors Sylvester Stallone and David Carradine--dear friends of mine--star in this trashy film that's one part gladiatorial brutality, and one part NASCAR stupidity.

TortureVision Rating: BAD

Good features were better than expected. Bad features were awful, yet still enjoyable. Abortions were utter torment to sit through.

Right-Click "Save As" to download .MP3!