Total Confuzzlement

Jesus Christ, That Was Candid

2013-02-18T22:41:00.001-05:00

When I decided to transfer out of the College of Engineering, I thought it'd be a good means to reduce stress, give me something to be passionate about that I might be actually good at, and help raise my GPA to a level that I can comfortably talk about and show employers and graduate folk whenever they asked about it.

That transition has achieved one of those goals. And it's the third.

But at the same time, I don't even know if trying to do things the normal way will be worth it. Does taking 6 classes and 19 credits just to graduate on time guarantee me a career or even an entry into graduate school? At the same time, people take 6 classes and 19 credits independent of each other all the time and it doesn't seem like that big a deal. I mean, I'm sure kids have gotten Dean's List with that kind of course load and it wasn't that amazing an accomplish considering it probably happens all the time.

And what terrifies me is that this ball of stress I'm under won't even matter in about 3 months once the semester's over and I see the results of all the "work" I've put in. Why is work in quotes? Because just because you have two papers, a presentation, a 600-word response to a discussion board, a quiz, a take-home exam, a take-home assignment, and taking time to let your beloved boyfriend know you love him because he's endured your random ass bullshit for five months isn't work that I'm putting into anything. It's work given to me that needs to be reconstructed in the most complete way possible and you're hoping it's right. You don't do it to show that you have abilities; no, you do it so it gets done. And I feel horrible for also putting my relationship in that context, because honestly, it's the only thing I'm really sure of except for the fact that I'll get reminded of or assigned something to do for a class that will get graded and get thrown into the mess of numbers that is called a GPA that somehow describes your entire worth as a student.

And speaking of my relationship, I can barely handle being with myself 24/7 when I'm not even sure he can do it either. He says he wants to; I have to. And I think he might be getting exhausted of all the hurdles I put myself through because, you know, it might totally unnecessary. But I've already just pummeled through so many, knocked them over, kind of got over the hurdles, it's getting exhausting. And frustrating. Why can't I pick up one leg, put it over, get my other leg on the other side and continue on like nothing was no big deal? Why do I have to keep continuously picking myself up off the ground? Why can't I just want things to go my way sometimes? I feel like that's a treat only certain people deserve and it's a gift for every other person.

Why do I feel have to be so afraid of wanting things? Because the several other times I've wanted things, I did all the right things and yet somehow, it still didn't have my name on it. Of course, I would not pass up what transpired as a result of not having those things for any time machine, but I still can't help but wonder why it takes an army of time, mental strength, and energy to go rescue a kitten that is whatever thing (person, event, position) I desire. It should be that me wanting something does not disqualify me from having it. That seems to be the case, more oft than not.

Just because, aside from the stress of having more work than I ever wanted, I have a pretty happy and stable life doesn't mean that I can't want more from myself and what I could give myself. I'm just mostly worried I'm asking for it from the wrong guy because, you know, you don't go to a barista if you want to buy someone flowers. Or some kind of analogy like that.

I Just Feel Crappy

2013-01-06T23:50:00.001-05:00

Taken from tobewanted

I just feel crappy.
I'm physically sick, coughing up a storm, my lips all chapped from rubbing my nose too much, my lymph node is swollen, I'm exhausted.
My skin is all itchy from something.
My tummy's all swollen.

But it's not even all that that's bothering me.

What's bothering me is the myriad of plans I've had to cancel due to being sick. I missed out on hanging out with two different sets of people whom I haven't seen in years.

I also hate the feeling of uncertainty.
Well, the only thing that's certain is me probably staying in Ithaca and working all summer again, instead of going somewhere else to work.
Don't get me wrong.

I like my job. And the people at my job. It's the location. And my fear that it's the only job I'll qualify for.

I just want to be accepted somewhere in addition to Matt's arms. That'd be pretty awesome.

2013 Resolutions (N.a.P.)

2013-01-01T20:05:00.002-05:00

Taken from bakedvision

Of the resolutions I had last year, I accomplished one of them. That's not great, but that just gives me a chance to rethink my priorities and goals for 2013. In 2012, I learned that I can get a respectable GPA, maintain friendships while maintaining relationships, being a good employee, and eat healthier than I have before. Even though those weren't listed as goals, I think it says a lot about me that I could achieve that.

Taking into account what I have achieved, these goals are my resolutions in 2013!

Get a 2013 GPA of 3.3.
The health goals start here:

Drink 3 cups of tea per day (morning, afternoon, evening)
Eat meat five days a week
Weigh 135 pounds (this target was a goal last year, but I have a better means of attaining it next year)
Have a dietary plan for the week and try not to stray
Do cardio at the gym twice a week and do weights 3 times a week

Sketch at least 3 times a week
Not use the computer as the default for entertainment

What are your resolutions?

A Statement for Every Month of 2012

2013-01-01T09:19:00.000-05:00

Taken from duh-da

I know. I've usually written a several-hundred-word document about every month. But I haven't found the necessity to. Instead, I'll be highlighting every month with a sentence. Enjoy.

January: I rang in the New Year with friends and discovered what I do not want to do with my life.

February: I celebrated my first Valentine's Day with a date with the boy I really cared about at the time.

March: I rekindled a friendship, realized some people are toxic to my existence, and sent out opportunity applications which later got rejected.

April: I got the job I wanted most that I worked at full time over the summer.

May: I lived with my boyfriend at the time for three weeks and I finally got out of engineering.

June: I moved into my first apartment/house with friends and started an adventurous summer.

July: I visited China and realized how lucky I am to live in the U.S., but I also had some eye-opening experiences with some wonderful people that I am still in contact with.

August: I went to a Renaissance festival and two rock concerts while improving my own physical fitness by biking everywhere.

September: I had a bit of a breakdown, ended one relationship and started another; my heart went on a crazy roller-coaster ride.

October: I went to Montreal and fell in love with a city.

November: I went to a Bassnectar and Lindsey Stirling concert and had a lovely time in NYC for Thanksgiving.

December: I got the highest GPA so far and spent New Year's Eve with a friend who I won't see until August.

Happy New Year, everyone!

Weird.

2012-11-27T22:53:00.002-05:00

Taken from: just-the-way-you-arent

It's weird not having you.
You're not here.
I can't contact you at all.
(And we used to only talk online because life).
And everyone else in the house has someone to cuddle.

What's weird is I almost feel like I'm just waiting
For you to contact me.
But at the same time,
I worked out,
I watched a documentary based on a show I like,
I ate some really yummy cheese-less, low-carb food,
I worked on a study guide for a class that's really hard...

I've kept myself occupied.

You get so used to socializing
And having someone in the room to spend time with
That when they're not there,
You're not entirely sure what to do with yourself.

Legitimately

2012-10-10T22:26:00.003-04:00

Taken from m-a-r-i-n-a-r-a

I had so much vigor at the beginning of the semester. A certain joie de vivre, if you will. Enthusiastic about conquering this semester, taking my major-related courses and having a steady relationship, but, alas, I think this semester's kicking my ass harder than I ever wanted it to. I'm finally taking major-required courses. I'm taking courses in things I'm interested in. I'm taking courses about information that I like. And I still can't crack it. I legitimately loath that I'm pretty mediocre at everything. I'd rather have that one thing I'm pretty genius at. And then major in it. Oh wait, I've discovered it; it's everything I can't put on a resume. I can't put "great at making friends," "can make a person feel like they're the number one in my life," and "getting screwed over by people who say they love me" on it. I'm pretty genius at that last one. And it tears me up inside. Because I give so much and have it flung back in my face.

I know that I can be a handful. I know that I don't make sense most of the time, that I act on impulse, that everything is a great idea until it legitimately isn't. Or that I plan and plan and work and plan and come up with ideas and make schematics and work and work and STILL nothing comes of it. Nothing that I want, anyway. Or something that I do want, but I'm too upset by the fact that the initial outcome didn't happen that I can't see the good in the alternative. I'm pretty good at that.

But I know that the one time I stop legitimately giving a shit is the time that everything falls through. And someone gets legitimately hurt and can't carry on. And if I were ever to hurt someone that badly, I don't think I can carry on being myself. Because being me means being bad at things that matter, but being the best at things that don't necessarily matter in terms of money-making and careers, but in terms of people's lives can be the most important thing ever.

To Everyone I've Ever Dated or Wanted to

2012-09-14T23:02:00.003-04:00

Taken from m-a-r-i-n-a-r-a

I (thought I) loved you,
But we were thirteen.

I (thought I) loved you,
But were freshman in high school
And who knows anything then.

I...
Don't even remember dating you.
People had to vaguely remind me of this.
But then again, sophomore year of high school is blacked out
From my memory. And I don't want to remember.

I loved you,
But you were at UConn.
And your heart went somewhere else.

I'm not entirely sure how I felt about you.
But you were fun.
And cute.
And I took it way seriously than it needed to be.

I loved you,
But you had depression.
And it wasn't that you had no hope for your life
Or any motivation.
It was how you acted out.
And how there was nothing I could do about it.
And how it's affected me in terms of how people treat me.

I liked you,
But we met 3 weeks before high school ended.
You were the one who got away.

I still love you,
Because you're my best friend.
And we're never going to date.
So that's good.

I thought you were my favorite boy,
But you liked your bong more.
Thanks for being so honest.

I love you,
I think,
I'm not sure.
Something's not clicking.

I think I feel something towards you,
And it's fucking awkward.

My Skill Set

2012-09-10T23:58:00.004-04:00

Taken from yeeeezy

My skill set is large and varied.
It goes from cooking
To math
To art
To food science
To dressing myself
To being there for people

Even when I can't be there for myself.

It leaves much to be desired.

But not enough to be pursued.

Like the 5000-dollar fancy phone
That everyone wants,
But no one has the money for.

I like to think I'm worth that much.

But maybe there's some employer out there willing to pay the price.

I promise I deliver.

I promise that return in profit that I'll deliver.

Y'all just have to give me a chance.

And You're Not Here Because?

2012-08-07T19:45:00.000-04:00

Taken from nocturnaldesires

I go to bed every day just wanting a hug from you. Not because I'm sad, just because I want you here. And I'm so scared of wanting you to be here, because the last time I wanted someone to be there, they didn't come. And they didn't seem to want to either. So wanting things breaks my heart a little every time. But I trust that you won't lie to my like that. I really hope you don't.

Chinese Summary

2012-07-28T13:21:00.000-04:00

The culture shock of Beijing had been overwhelming. Never before had I see so much that in my culture(s) would be downright unacceptable, such as urinating in a squat, spitting in restaurants, and children doing their business in the street. But aside from that, the city had been definitely something new to me. The way not much travels up and areas had ancient buildings, older than Western society, strewn about. And the Great Wall of China took my breath away, literally and figuratively. A feat built in 15 years without cranes or any other form of modern technology.

Now Shanghai is a city that caught between two lovers: the exotic East and the modernized West. The impressive skyline that puts New York city to shame could not be adequately glorified in pictures taken with even the fanciest of cameras. But there were glimpses of the past, that were still buried under the weight of 6,000 sky scrapers. But this city was perfect for the young person. Bars and clubs by night, historical sites by day. The city I wish we had spent more time in.

Hong Kong, but that city, to me, was a more expensive version of home. People either lived in a 1 million dollar studio or a 35 million dollar mansion. Million American money. Which seems absurd, which is why I had a hard time being able to fully appreciate its largeness.

But overall, I loved the people on the trip. Some were crazy, some were there, and some I am visiting sometime in the few months.

Flying Across the World

2012-07-07T13:53:00.000-04:00

Taken from c0yotes

Tomorrow, I take off for a part of the world I have never been to. I'm going to the mystical, novel (to me) land of China. I look forward to seeing the beautiful gardens in Shanghai, ancient architecture of Beijing, and the modernity of Hong Kong.

But what I also look forward to, is discovering how big the world truly is. I am going so far from home that, due to time difference, I will be half a day in the future. While my friends and family are settling into Monday routines, I will be landing in Beijing on Tuesday. And that blows my mind.

I also look forward to touring a part of the world that I have never been to and enjoying the food, the fashion, and the culture that is totally unfamiliar to me.

Sleeping Next to Someone During a Heat Wave

2012-06-22T16:58:00.000-04:00

Taken from nocturnalwishes

Well, you can't guarantee much sleep. Sleeping next to someone during a heatwave is like trying to sleep under your favorite blanket in the same conditions. And what's the worst, is people radiate heat. Unlike blankets, which trap heat, but I guess people do that too. And all you want to do usually is snuggle. Because what else do you do in bed. Oh wait...I need to get my mind out of the gutter.

My New Room!

2012-06-10T12:25:00.000-04:00

Moving in such a pain. Trying to figure out where things go, what things stay, what gets put up on the wall, what gets put on a desk.

How to arrange books without having a book shelf. And buying English phone booth bookends literally being the only solution to a lack of book space decision. And also pairing it with your random jewelry holders and the melted-wax thing that happened as a result of boredom.

Praying to God that your parents picked out a great color for your bed spreads that goes with the rest of the room. And finding more shelf space and then also sneaking art blocks behind the nightstand. With more jewelry. And a clock hanging above it that doesn't quite work.

And here is my work-space, where I managed to put things I need and arranged them such that it looks almost intentional and somewhat decorative but functional, while secretly loving and hating the fact that I have too much stuff that I use all the time.

It's My Birthday!!

2012-06-05T17:50:00.003-04:00

Taken from pleasantinterruption

Dinner party with friends and brownies for breakfast that were made by my bf the night before? What more could a girl want! And everything was happy and nothing was sad or annoying.

When My Boyfriend Thinks He's A "Fatty"

2012-06-02T07:54:00.000-04:00

Taken from f1ame

It's always putridly frustrating. Like, really, I get that, at one point or another in his life, he was probably obese, but that was then. This time is now. He's a handsome, tall-ish boy with a slim build and lovely arms and legs and the comfiest chest ever. So he should shush and just accept that. And it makes me really sad, because how am I supposed to feel good about myself when someone who's at an appropriate weight for their height feels inadequate? He blames his recent so-called weight gain on being happy, but what? Would he rather be a sadface and not weigh as much?

First Day at Work

2012-05-27T10:51:00.005-04:00

Taken from duh-da

It almost feels like a first date. You get all dressed up nice and fancy to make a seriously good impression on your co-workers and your supervisor and, if you ever get to actually interact with him, you boss. You say all the right things and suppress most your odd-ball, weird-ass personality just for the purpose of seeming like a competent employee. You even get coffee or something beforehand because you need caffeine to wake you up and make you feel calmer. In addition, walking in with a large cup of coffee seems to be a sign of almost being a legitimate human being. And working a 9-to-5 seems fairly all right as well. And your eyes hurt so much from using a large, bright iMac that you can't bring yourself to finish a blog entry you started 3 days ago.

Just Hanging With My Friends

2012-05-16T22:00:00.003-04:00

Taken from t0psshop

I have about four days of summer vacay before I have to go to work. And even though there's no major responsibility, but I still need to pack everything up. And I need to see people I like to hang out with before they go home or whatever it is they need to do. It's nights like these where I feel lonely because I have nothing scheduled, but everyone else does. And all I want to do is hangout.

Can't Help But Think

2012-05-11T10:58:00.002-04:00

Taken from m-a-r-i-n-a-r-a

I know it's finals and I should be worrying about grades and stuff. But I think both you and I know that I have written enough about how much it sucks to be alone, studying for hours a day. So I will write about the recent developments in mine and my boyfriend's relationship.

We have been together almost seven months now. SEVEN. That's the SUM of half my high school relationships (while, in the meantime, everyone else I knew dated people for years). Am I jealous? Maybe a bit. But I'm happy now and we have made leaps and bounds in our relationship. And we recently started saying "I wuv you," which is almost like "I love you," but with only some of the commitment. And he's invited me to spend New Year's in California with him. I mean, I know it's forever away. But it's something that's an actual plan. I like plans and thinking ahead. And it's all exciting and terrifying, but I like him. And that's all that matters for now.

A Disappointment Orange

2012-04-26T21:32:00.003-04:00

Taken from musicalldaykeepsthebadmoodaway

Second book of my "I need to read more" project and holy God, was I disappointed. I am also disappointed that it is also only book two of the project. But this one, wow. A Clockwork Orange was a book I thought and people have told me I would really like. But in fact, it was difficult to read, hard to get through, and as with most classics, not much really happens. I know this sounds like I just hate books that would be assigned in an English class, but I should not have to need urban dictionary to look up half the terms and then guess what they mean based on context or my knowledge of Slavic languages. And I understand that it was to distance Alex from the audience because he is a psychopath, but at the same time, it did not enhance the reading experience for me. Now I want to watch the movie so hopefully this book can redeem itself, but frankly, books should stand on their own.

The Pace of "I Need to Get Home"

2012-04-21T09:57:00.002-04:00

Taken from t0psshop

There's a certain speed at which one walks when trying to get home. You walk a little faster. Maybe because you're trying to avoid people. Maybe you're trying to not have people realize you're going home by yourself because no one lives in your direction. Maybe you're bed is just so comfy you can't wait to return to it's welcoming, sheet-arms. That's usually my reason. My other reason is when I'm wearing an outfit I don't feel 100-percent in because OH NO, MY MIDRIFF IS SHOWING AND I DON'T HAVE A SIX-PACK so I wanted to get home as soon as possible to get away from meanies. And it was interesting because the girls didn't care. It was the boys that were all snarky. And it felt really mean because they were just calling me out because, sorry I don't look like your dream girl or the girlfriend you have who has a goddess body from jogging the second the weather is over 40 degrees. There's nothing wrong with being that kind of girl. There's something wrong with being openly mean to a girl who isn't/ I don't complain about my figure and I just want to be happy. And sure, I am guilty of thinking and expressing to be near me of critiquing a girl's outfit that isn't quite one hundred percent for her. But I won't call her out on it because I don't know her. Or maybe it's confidence booster for her. Because you never know how someone is feeling unless you've been there. So to the jerk on the street, thank you for making me want to crawl up in sweatpants and do pushups and situps all day. I definitely can do more than you anyway and you're going to make me strongly, so screw you.

That Little Bit of Hope

2012-04-07T01:52:00.003-04:00

Taken from just-the-way-you-arent

So I got my second physics prelim back and it wasn't pretty. I didn't do as magically as I had hoped after the second physics prelim last semester. And the funny thing was, I wasn't too upset this time. I was mostly fine. Maybe just a little disappointed that I didn't do better at all.

But I have this nagging feeling that it will all work out, mostly on the precedent that everything is so wonderful now. My grades are better. Not great, but they are definitely getting better. I have a boyfriend who loves my scent and my presence and is probably one of the most supportive people I know right now (and I have plenty of those).

So I guess it'll all be fine.

A Growing Thought

2012-04-03T12:11:00.000-04:00

Taken from nocturnalwishes

The more I draw, the more I color, and the more I sketch, the more I realize why don't I actually do something with this? But that takes years of practice and connections and my only relations are in the working world and the realm of science. And those kind of jive, but not really. People become so shocked to discover that I can be creative, at times, more creative than the creative ones. So why don't I do something? I don't want dental appointments to be life-altering decisions or having to give up grocery shopping for rent. Or things like that which happen to most budding artists. But then again, who's to say my scientific pursuits will lead me to comfort?

On The Road Again

2012-03-25T11:43:00.003-04:00

Taken from cinsomniac

I'm soon to be on the bus back to Ithaca and for the first time, I cannot say when I'll be coming back. I've told the people I've hung out with that I will vaguely see them soon and that's the best answer I can give. Because I don't know if I'm going to Georgia, Wisconsin, Missouri, or staying in Ithaca. Of course I can come back for a weekend or so. But I also don't know if I will be travelling for my own leisure for a week or two. But that's all up in the air. I'm barely aware of what I'm doing tonight besides homework and cuddling. But it's going to be an interesting week. And the work week will end once with with "May the odds be ever in your favor."

Resumes and Cover Letters

2012-03-22T10:14:00.002-04:00

Taken from deciso

With all the sketching I have been doing this Spring Break, I wish that instead of letters and resumes, I was also including a portfolio. But then I realize that I am not special. I mean, I am special. But not in the sense that values artistry. I do not have a twisted way of looking at things. I go to classes and do homework and that takes up more time than anything. And I'm also not comfortable having my work scrutinized by people who are better, more experienced. Mostly because I am an asshole, but still. I prefer having essays and papers read over because there is such a distance associated with it. Not the same as with something I've poured my heart out for. But then again, who knows where my life would take me. So there's no point in stopping, but to continue practicing.

The Hum

2012-03-16T23:19:00.001-04:00

Taken from hopingfortheshore

When I hear it, bad news is on the horizon. And it's not a superstition, like an itchy palm indicating the finding of money or something equally silly. It indicates that I'm under intense pressure, or under-fed, or have low blood pressure, or something else is wrong. And then the colors happen and I lose consciousness. And it happens too often. And it's scary when I realize it, but it shocks me when my boyfriends who witness it do not seem alarmed. Unless I tell them. Or until everyone else is concerned. And the thing that's the worst are the colors. They're not dreams. They're just colors. And they add to the head-spinning.