Total Life Counseling Center Resources

3 Lessons Learned from Jon & Kate

Janie@totallifecounseling.com (Janie Lacy, M.S. Counseling/Psychology) — Wed, 24 Jun 2009 03:11:00 +0000

Jon & Kate made the BIG Announcement on their reality show “Jon & Kate Plus Eight” that they will be separating and that it was what was best for the kids. Marriages of the children of divorce have a much higher rate of divorce than the marriage of children from intact families. A major reason for this is that parents model marital commitment or permanence for their kids. Let’s look at three lessons we can learn from the Jon & Kate story with the potential of avoiding this in your family.

1) It is important to balance personal needs with the needs of children.

There is no denying that attempting to meet the needs of sextuplets and twins and still have time for the couple was difficult. Often times when this pattern is developed it can lead the couple down a path of a “child-centered relationship”, which can drive any couple apart emotionally.

2) Couples must be intentional to stay emotionally connected to each other.

It is very easy to get caught in the cycle of having a busy life much like Jon & Kate, however, if you do not schedule time for each other, you are at risk for emotionally detaching from each other. This can leave you vulnerable to outside distractions or self-interests.

3) Couples need to respect each other with their verbal and non-verbal communication.

It is important for couples to know the difference between “sharing” and “dumping”. When each partner can be sensitive to each other’s needs this can lay the foundation of effective communication. When you put yourself in the other’s shoes and consider their needs (without sacrificing your own need) that is empathy, which is the cornerstone for marital satisfaction.

Let’s learn from the mistakes of Jon & Kate and take an assessment of the important relationships in our life. If you answer "No" to any of these questions please seek guidance as it's easier to get help before things get out of hand. Be proactive!

Are you emotionally connected?
Are you being respectful to each other in your communication?
Are you balancing your personal needs with the needs of the family?

NOTE: You can freely redistribute this resource, electronically or in print, provided you leave the author's contact information below intact.

About the Author: Janie Lacy has a passion to reach out and help people grow and mature through difficult life situations. She has a relational approach and a unique ability to connect with individuals. Drawing upon her broad range of experience in private practice, not-for-profit organizations, hospitality and the medical industry, she has helped countless people in many arenas of life. She offers keen insight on all aspects of relationships – family, marriage, parenting, dating, and personal growth. Visit her webpage to learn more.

8 Ways to Start Over: What if you Lost it All!

noreply@blogger.com (Debbbie Haughton) — Wed, 17 Jun 2009 19:48:00 +0000

Watching the news every night I am reminded of the many losses people are facing as our economy continues to struggle. Recently a family in Heathrow, Florida was found dead from a murder-suicide. Investigators believe it was financial woes that pushed the father to his breaking point to kill himself and the rest of his family. We are seeing more job loss, bankruptcy, divorce, suicide, and homicide as the economy plummets. How do people survive this crisis?
How do we help others or ourselves when there is a need to begin again, following a tragedy, major loss or failure? After discussing this informally with a few friends who have been released from local jobs I have learned all recognize the need to grieve. Each has struggled with anger, discouragement, disappointment, sadness and anxiety. These people know that things may get worse before they get better. They recognize that life will never be like it was before. But they're finding ways to recover and rebound. Here are a few:

1. Embrace the feelings. Admit the pain. Give yourself permission to grieve.
2. Don't rush the process. Few people bounce back. Recovery and renewal are more like steady growth with periodic setbacks.
3. Keep in contact with others who are supportive but who can gently and sensitively push you forward.
4. Don't dwell on injustice, revenge, or on things beyond your influence or control. Fantasies about getting even only hurt the fantasy-maker and slow the recovery process.
5. Get exercise, even when you don't feel like it. Exercise can help your body and brain resist illness, think more clearly, fight depression, and have a more positive attitude.
6. Keep learning. This is something that we can control. It has been suggested that "use it or lose it" applies to every part of your body, mind, and social life.
7. Prioritize what is most important. Go to family, friends and spirituality for support rather than alcohol, drugs and anything else that might be unhealthy.
8. Let yourself dream about what can be. Keeping visions alive can help us all grow beyond the past and move forward to a positive future.

NOTE: you can freely redistribute this resource, electronically or in print, provided you leave the authors contact information below intact. About the Author: Debbie Haughton, Registered Mental Health Counselor Intern. Debbie Haughton has performed career assessments & coaching for students and professionals. She has counseled clients ranging in age from young adolescents to mature baby boomers and from many different walks of life. Her ability to relate well to the wide range of individuals comes from her caring and compassionate personality, her true desire to help others, her 20+ years as a parent and wife and the variety of professional endeavors she has pursued. Throughout her career, she has worked in sales, television broadcasting, advocacy for the handicapped, advertising, teaching children’s music performance, music and event production and counseling. Total Life Counseling Center uses FDA approved supplements and dietary changes along with therapeutic interventions, family education and support, social skills groups, leadership camps and more to assist families. Access more complimentary counseling and coaching resources from The Total Life Counseling Center (407.248.0030) by visiting their extensive posting of blogs and special reports designed to save you time by strategically solving problems at the below links:

Our Blogs

Our Total Life Counseling Site

8 Ways a Therapist Can Help Someone Understand Their Homosexuality

noreply@blogger.com (Debbbie Haughton) — Thu, 11 Jun 2009 21:57:00 +0000

A friend of mine was worried about her 16 year old daughter who seemed to be struggling with same sex attractions. She said her daughter seemed to be depressed and was having difficulty in school socially. She didn’t know if this was a phase her daughter was going through or if she was born this way. My friend felt uncomfortable talking to people about this situation for fear her daughter would be judged harshly. She was desperate for some answers but didn’t know where to turn. She thought that seeing a counselor would cause more harm to her daughter because they would try to change her.
Do Genetics Play a Role in Forming Homosexuality?
According to the American Psychological Association, there is no consensus among scientists about the exact reasons that an individual develops a heterosexual, bisexual, gay, or lesbian orientation. Although much research has examined the possible genetic, hormonal, developmental, social, and cultural influences on sexual orientation, no findings have emerged that permit scientists to conclude that sexual orientation is determined by any particular factor or factors. Many think that nature and nurture (the intimacy/relationship with their parents while growing up) both play complex roles.
If a person experiences same sex attraction, they have several options for finding encouragement, acceptance and assistance. Gay and lesbian couples can also receive help. Many people experiencing homosexuality don’t know they have resources at their fingertips to help them on their journey. Seeking a mental health professional is one option that many homosexuals avoid because they fear they will be manipulated to change.

Do Genetics Play a Role in Forming Homosexuality?

According to the American Psychological Association, mental health professionals must respect a person’s right to self determination; be sensitive to the client’s race, culture, ethnicity, age, gender, gender identity, sexual orientation, religion, socioeconomic status, language, and disability status when working with that client; and eliminate biases based on these factors.
If a person finds they want help in understanding their same sex attraction, seeking a mental health professional can help them in many ways. Here are just a few ways a mental health professional can help someone who is experiencing same sex attractions:

8 Ways a Mental Health Professional Can Help

1. They can explore their past and try to understand what factors may exist that might play into the present.
2. They can find a safe place to express themselves and find acceptance in a non judgmental environment.
3. They will develop tools to learn to improve their self-esteem and make changes where they can.
4. They will learn new ways of seeing themselves and have hope for a better future.
5. They will develop tools to find support and encouragement within their environment.
6. They will learn to think differently about themselves.
7. They will learn about their sexuality and where it comes from.
8. They will set goals and objectives for how to improve their quality of life

Our Blogs

Our Total Life Counseling Site

3 Ways FaceCrack (Facebook) Ruins Relationships

Janie@totallifecounseling.com (Janie Lacy, M.S. Counseling/Psychology) — Tue, 09 Jun 2009 02:57:00 +0000

Are you a part of this social-networking phenomenon? It has been described as addictive and “like crack.” I, myself, have joined Facebook in the last several months. I got tired of “why aren’t you on Facebook?” Please don’t get me wrong, I love staying connected with family and friends through the network, however, I have several clients that have ruined the intimacy in their relationship by allowing Facebook to consume their time and energy more than their spouse. According to a recent University of California, Los Angeles, report “the cost of Facebook could be the devaluing of real friendships and the reduction of face to face interactions”.

Let’s define Addiction in its simplest term: Anything that we use or turn to over and over to meet a legitimate need in an unhealthy way.

If you relate with the below, you could be a Facebook Addict!

1. You use Facebook as a distraction and it takes you into a fantasy world on some level. Facebook can give you the illusion that you have many friends and yet does not require personal contact face to face.

2. You are constantly thinking of what you could share with your online Facebook friends. Individuals now have the ability to update their status right from the phone. Anywhere and anytime! Do people really want to know what you just had for dinner?

3. You have no boundaries online that you would normally have if it were face to face interactions. Online boundaries should be treated just like regular boundaries — even if those people are only a click away.

Consider the recent news headline in Flowery Branch, Georgia: Ojinnaka Accused of Fighting With Wife. Ok…What’s the big deal? We all fight with our spouses! The first line of the article posted on ESPN’s website’s news section: “Atlanta Falcons offensive lineman Quinn Ojinnaka is free on bond after being accused of fighting with his wife over his Facebook activity, police said Friday.” The article later describes, “Police said Ojinnaka’s wife confronted him about contact with a female friend on Facebook. Police said he tossed her down some stairs and threw her out of their house…"

Have a balance in your relationships. Make sure you are putting more time and effort into the relationships around you then your online relationships.

THREE ONLINE BOUNDARIES YOU NEED FOR YOUR RELATIONSHIP

1 – Discuss with your spouse what friends are acceptable or not acceptable? What kind of personal information will you post?

2 – Choose your friends wisely. It can be exciting re-connecting with friends from the past. One question you want to ask yourself before hitting the accept button: “would my spouse be comfortable with me being ‘friends’ with this person?”

3 – Do Not Post negative things about your spouse. I have several couples mention this to me, that after they had a fight, one of them let their Facebook friends know about it. In the heat of the moment, avoid the temptation to blast your spouse or say something embarrassing about them through your status or wall postings.

NOTE: You can freely redistribute this resource, electronically or in print, provided you leave the author's contact information below intact.

5 Ways to Cope with Feeling Stressed & Depressed in College

noreply@blogger.com (Debbbie Haughton) — Fri, 05 Jun 2009 00:51:00 +0000

A 20 year old college student was discussing her grades with another student at a coffee shop. She appeared anxious and fidgety. As I watched her continue to speak with her friend she reminded me of all the other adults I see worried about their finances and the current economy. She looked so tired and seemed overly stressed. I always thought college students should be carefree and enjoy life. I know I did when I was in college. However, today’s young college students are not carefree but are feeling the stresses and strains of the economy and pressure to succeed in tough times. They are facing a worse economy than most of us did when we were in college.
According to an associated Press-mtvU poll, 85% of college students reported feeling stress in their daily lives in recent months, with worries about grades, school work, money and relationships. 50% of those who reported having seriously considered suicide at some point in the previous year had not received counseling. These findings are extremely alarming and need to be addressed.
As high schools all over the country are graduating a new group of students preparing to enter into college, those students need to remember 5 ways to prevent depression.

5 Steps to Prevent Depression While in College

1. Don’t isolate yourself. Make sure you are spending time with friends and family.
2. Make sure you allow yourself the proper amount of rest. It is so easy to cram before a test and not get a good night’s sleep. Feelings of depression often creep in when there is sleep deprivation.
3. Eat a balanced diet. It is tempting to skip meals and eat junk food all the time. Good nutrition plays a big role in giving your body what it needs to fight depression.
4. Allow time for doing activities you enjoy. Depriving yourself of “fun” isn’t helpful and can contribute to increasing depression. College is a lot of work but try to make time for recreation.
5. Talk about what you are struggling with. Bottling up your feelings only exacerbates the problem.

NOTE: you can freely redistribute this resource, electronically or in print, provided you leave the authors contact information below intact. About the Author: Debbie Haughton, Registered Mental Health Counselor Intern. Debbie Haughton has performed career assessments & coaching for students and professionals. She has counseled clients ranging in age from young adolescents to mature baby boomers and from many different walks of life. Her ability to relate well to the wide range of individuals comes from her caring and compassionate personality, her true desire to help others, her 20+ years as a parent and wife and the variety of professional endeavors she has pursued. Throughout her career, she has worked in sales, television broadcasting, advocacy for the handicapped, advertising, teaching children’s music performance, music and event production and counseling. Total Life Counseling Center uses FDA approved supplements and dietary changes along with therapeutic interventions, family education and support, social skills groups, leadership camps and more to assist families. Access more complimentary counseling and coaching resources from The Total Life Counseling Center (407.248.0030) by visiting their extensive posting of blogs and special reports designed to save you time by strategically solving problems at the below links:

Our Blogs
Our Total Life Counseling Site

Parenting Tips to Deal with Sexting Teens

noreply@blogger.com (Debbbie Haughton) — Tue, 12 May 2009 19:46:00 +0000

A friend of mine was complaining about how her teenage children are always texting instead of speaking with one another and was horrified to find out her daughter had just received a picture of a male penis. She was horrified that anyone would do such a thing.

Unfortunately, with cell phone usage being at an all time high especially among teens, there is a new phenomenon called sexting. Wikepedia defines it as the act of sending sexually explicit messages or photos electronically, primarily between cell phones.

According to a nationwide survey by the National Campaign to Support Teen and unplanned pregnancy, 20% of all teens partake in the activity of sexting. Of course, if you were to ask any Orlando teen about sexting they would probably say it happens all the time!

In January, 2009 three teenage girls from Pennsylvania allegedly sent nude and semi nude cell phone photos of themselves to three male classmates who are being charged with child pornography. Another student in Texas was placed in juvenile detention center after his football coach discovered a nude photo of a classmate on his cell phone. This is a serious felony and could have long term affects.

Unfortunately, sexting poses a serious dilemma for teens, their parents and schools and no one seems to know what is best.

One mother wanted her daughter psychologically evaluated because she was concerned about her provocative behavior over the cell phone. What drives a young teenage girl to want others to see her naked? Other parents are concerned because of the relationship problems it can cause. Sometimes out of spite nude pictures are being sent. This causes a great strain in relationships among teens.

What teens call innocent flirting others are calling it pornographic and dangerous. In a study done last year by the University of Alberta, 90% of boys and 70% of girls ages 13 to 14 have viewed some kind of pornographic material. Today’s teens want notoriety and this is a way of gaining it. They like the attention they receive even if it is short lived and have devastating effects.

Tips for parents:

1. Talk openly with your teen about sexting and the serious felony charges they could received if caught
2. Help your teenager to see that even though they see it as innocent flirting it poses serious consequences and complications
3. Keep an open line of communication between you and your teen so they are free to express themselves to you.
4. T-Mobile & Sprint have online tools to limit texting and block certain phone numbers from texting from offenders.

For additional information go to: Good Morning America

More Information on Debbie Haughton

Total Life Counseling Center

TLC Blogs

5 Best Ways to get the Job

noreply@blogger.com (Debbbie Haughton) — Tue, 12 May 2009 19:03:00 +0000

How do you compete and land the job with 500 qualified applicants who want the job as well?
Let’s start with looking at all the ways you find a job. There are 16 job hunting methods and they are as follows:

1. Mailing out resumes
2. Answering local “want ads”
3. Going to the state and Federal unemployment service
4. Going to private employment agencies
5. Using the Internet (Monster.com, Career Builder, Indeed.com, Etc.)
6. Asking friends, family or people in the community
7. Asking a professor or former teacher
8. Knocking on doors
9. Yellow Pages
10. Joining a “job club” or professional associations in the career you are interested in
11. Taking a Civil Service Exam
12. Looking at professional journals or web sites
13. Going to work for a temp agency
14. Volunteering

In order to be the most successful in your job search, you should use 4 of the above methods. Research has found that if you use more than 4, your likelihood of success begins to decrease, and continues to decrease with each additional method that you add to your job search.

THE FIVE WORST WAYS TO LOOK FOR A JOB
1. Using the Internet
2. Mailing out resumes to employers at random
3. Answering ads in professional or trade journals
4. Answering newspaper ads
5. Going to private employment agencies

THE FIVE BEST WAYS TO FIND A JOB
1. Asking for job-leads from people you know
2. Knocking on the door of any employer, factory, or office that interests you, whether they are known to have a vacancy or not
3. By yourself using the phone book’s yellow pages to identify fields of interest to you in the place you live and want to work, and then calling up the employers listed in that field, to ask if they are hiring
4. With a group using the phone book’s yellow pages to identify fields of interest to you in the place you live and want to work, and then calling up the employers listed in that field, to ask if they are hiring
5. Doing a life changing job hunt

WHAT IS A LIFE CHANGING JOB HUNT?
1. What? Assess your transferable skills (skills you already have and enjoy using)
2. Where? Determine your best job environment
3. How? Find out the names of the companies you want to work for and determine the jobs they offer that best fit your transferrable skills. Find out who you should talk to so you can show what you have to offer.

Finally, if you have found yourself answering ads in the newspapers or job-postings on the Internet and so far you haven’t found a job, DON’T JUST DO MORE OF THE SAME!!!!!!! CHANGE YOUR TACTICS. TRY A NEW STRATEGY.

Recommended Books:
48 Days to the Work You Love
What Color is your Parachute?
Do What You Are

More Information on Debbie Haughton

Total Life Counseling Center

TLC Blogs

Quick Tips to Handle the Grief of Job Loss

noreply@blogger.com (Debbie Haughton) — Mon, 27 Apr 2009 19:32:00 +0000

A friend of mine who has worked with the same company for over 10 years was laid off recently. He was devastated. Providing for his family was what he was supposed to do and now he could no longer do that. Not only did he lose his job with a regular paycheck but he lost all the benefits that went with it. He was in a state of shock and wondered how he would face the future with little to no job prospects (similar companies were laying off).
When a person loses a job they are facing a great loss. Experiencing grief is a natural response to that job loss. When a person is laid off from their job they lose many things such as identity, income, self-worth, friends and colleagues, structure, benefits, stability, a place to belong and the list goes on. It is normal to feel a great sense of loss and grief when losing a job. Sometimes the effects of a job loss create all kinds of turmoil within a person.
Remember, grieving is different for everyone. How a person grieves over their job loss depends on many different factors such as personality, coping style, life experience, support systems in your life and faith. The grieving process takes time and healing cannot be forced or hurried.

Here are a few tips to remember when facing a job loss:

Don’t ignore your pain. Express it with a close friend or family member. If you ignore your pain it will fester and get worse. In order to fully grieve you must face your pain and actively deal with it. Expressing yourself to others that care for you is one of the most important things you can do for yourself. You can also journal or keep a diary as a way of expressing your feelings.
If you are feeling sad, frightened or lonely don’t try to put on a strong front for others. Putting on a brave front doesn’t help the healing process but prolongs it.
Remember to allow yourself as much time as you need to feel the pain of your job loss. There is no deadline for grieving, it is a process and varies from person to person as to how long it will take.
Don’t forget your basic health needs. Make sure you get the sleep you need, exercise and proper nutrition. Job loss is one of the highest causes of stress in your life. Your body will feel the effects and your resistance to illness will be lowered.

Common symptoms of grief:

Shock and disbelief
Sadness
Guilt
Anger
Fear

Physical symptoms: weight loss or weight gain, loss of sleep or too much sleep, aches and pains, nausea, fatigue, or lowered immunity system

Coping with your job loss:

Turn to friends and family
Draw comfort from your faith
Join a support group
Talk with a therapist
Exercise regularly even if it is just walking and being outside
Allow yourself time to do something for yourself that you enjoy

In these tough economic times it is important to allow yourself to grieve and experience job loss in a healthy way. Don’t give up and make sure you take good care of yourself!

Call Debbie for a Complimentary 15 Minute Phone Consultation for additional tips.

NOTE: you can freely redistribute this resource, electronically or in print, provided you leave the authors contact information below intact. About the Author: Debbie Haughton, Registered Mental Health Counselor Intern. Debbie Haughton has performed career assessments & coaching for students and professionals. She has counseled clients ranging in age from young adolescents to mature baby boomers and from many different walks of life. Her ability to relate well to the wide range of individuals comes from her caring and compassionate personality, her true desire to help others, her 20+ years as a parent and wife and the variety of professional endeavors she has pursued. Throughout her career, she has worked in sales, television broadcasting, advocacy for the handicapped, advertising, teaching children’s music performance, music and event production and counseling. Total Life Counseling Center uses FDA approved supplements and dietary changes along with therapeutic interventions, family education and support, social skills groups, leadership camps and more to assist families. Access more complimentary counseling and coaching resources from The Total Life Counseling Center (407.248.0030) by visiting their extensive posting of blogs and special reports designed to save you time by strategically solving problems at the below links:

Our Blogs
Our Total Life Counseling Site

Food for Thought: How What We Eat Effects How We Think

noreply@blogger.com (James L West, MA, LMHC, NCC) — Fri, 10 Apr 2009 15:46:00 +0000

"Hey Dad . . . home for lunch!" It was the middle of the day in Portugal and my nephews came home from school for lunch? My brother David lives in Mafra, Portugal and I was calling him from Orlando. He told me his kids come home from school everyday for lunch around noon and walk back to school around 1:30pm. During our call I recalled this happens in most countries across the globe. Students in most countries have the following routine and eat up to 5 lbs of sugar per month:

Eat breakfast and walk to school
Walk back for lunch
Walk back to school
Walk home about the time their parents are home from work
Eat a snack and do homework
Go outside and play
Eat dinner and get ready for bed

In our country the average student eats 35-40 lbs of sugar per month:

Eat breakfast and sit in a vehicle
Eat lunch and sit in class
Sit in a vehicle on the way home
Eat a Snack and sit to do Homework
Play on the computer or video games until parents get home.
Eat dinner, sit around watching T.V. and get ready for bed

Sugar and carbohydrates are meant to give us a burst of energy for us to burn. However due to our fast pace and how far we live from school and work we eat carbs (cereal, pancakes, waffles, Pop Tarts) and sit, eat and sit, eat and sit, each day! Additionally, carbohydrates are easy and convenient and as Americans we love convenience. We are the #1 "Consumers" in the world and thus "consume" 6 times more carbohydrates than the rest of the world. So how does what we eat (too many carbohydrates and sugars) effect us?

80% of students in America are deficient in Magnesium. If we consume too many carbohydrates our bodies can not absorb Magnesium. Magnesium is calming, helps us manage stress, increases focus, & it's a natural muscle relaxer.
If we do not absorb Magnesium it's difficult to absorb Calcium which has many health benefits including improved sleep patterns, bone growth and density, it calms and helps with focus.
Too many carbohydrates also effects the absorption of chromium which helps to balance our sugar levels.
25% of kids between 6-10 years of age have high blood pressure and at risk for hypertension and heart disease
1 out of 6 children are obese and 1 out of 3 are overweight.
Unused Carbs causes spurts of energy, multiple mental energy crashes (trouble focusing on uninteresting tasks at school or work), the strong desire for more carbs and increased appetite, and weight gain.
These Carbohydrate crashes happen each time we eat too many carbohydrates and effects our mental energy more and more throughout the day as we expend energy. Making it more difficult to do homework, household chores and tasks and effects our moods and how we handle frustration.
At risk for Diabetes: Diabetes is 95% preventable but recently moved up to the #5 killer of Americans.

What can we do about this?

Encourage more exercise and physical activity with sports, recreation, family walks, biking, etc.
Limit computer and video games to 30-60 minutes per day to encourage social and play interaction with peers.
Increase the Protein to Carbohydrate ratio
Eat light meals at night with some carbohydrates to help us crash at night and improve deep sleep.
Avoid Red Meat and Pork at night as it takes 8-12 hours to metabolize. When we metabolize we create energy and dinner time is the time we should be winding down.
If kids are picky eaters discuss vitamins and supplements with your doctor.

Changing how we eat directly effects how we think, feel, and act! Start today to modify how we eat at home, work and school and see a huge difference in improved focus, productivity and energy levels. Please consult with your physician about this blog as everyone's nutritional needs vary.

Jim West has done this talk for University of Central Florida medical clinics, Lake Highland Preparatory School's Edison program, and others. If you are interested in scheduling this talk for your school or organization feel free to contact us. For helpful resources to save time by solving other parenting challenges visit our website or read more of our blogs:
Total Life Counseling Center
NOTE: you can freely redistribute this resource, electronically or in print, provided you leave the authors contact information below intact.About the Author: James L West is a Nationally Certified Counselor, Licensed Mental Health Counselor and in practice since 1994 with a primary focus on child and adolescent issues. James is an author, professional speaker, school consultant, counselor and coach. He provides consultation to public and private schools across the state of Florida. His retreats are dynamic and with a purpose. Jim has clients come from all over Florida, Georgia, the Bahamas and England as 85% of his clients do not need medication. Jim uses FDA approved supplements and dietary changes along with therapeutic interventions, family education and support, social skills groups, leadership camps and more to assist families.Access more complimentary counseling and coaching resources from The Total Life Counseling Center (407.248.0030) by visiting their extensive posting of blogs and special reports designed to save you time by strategically solving problems at the below links:
Products: DVD’s, Workbooks, iPod Downloads & Power Point
News Segments & Videos
Articles & Blogs

Rape and Sexual Assault

noreply@blogger.com (Evelyn Wenzel, LCSW, CAP) — Thu, 26 Mar 2009 13:34:00 +0000

Shame, despair, and powerless are a few of the emotions that victims of rape and sexual assault may experience. These same emotions often interfere with their ability to decide to prosecute their perpetrator. There are also many thoughts such as, “We were drinking. He couldn’t help it. Maybe my outfit led him on.” The list of minimizing statements go on and on. Alcohol does indeed contribute to the number of rapes each year, but when a female (or in some cases male) says “no!” to sexual relations, a forced encounter is always rape. The fact is most rapes do not happen in unfamiliar, dark places, but in a friend, relatives, or their own home. Unfortunately, it is estimated that 17% of adolescent girls are coerced into at least one non-consensual sexual contact. Because of the stigmatization and shame associated with rape, the actual number of young women who are assaulted each year is probably grossly underestimated. But how is sexual assault different from rape? Often rape, which always includes penetration, is included in discussions about sexual assault. However, assault also includes non-invasive forms of crossing sexual boundaries, such as voyeurism, exhibitionist, and sexual harassment.About the Author: Evelyn Wenzel, MSW, LCSW, CAP enjoys working with children, adolescents, and adults. She specializes in PTSD, Depression, Addictions, Anxiety, self-injurious behavior, and sexual abuse. She has a diverse background in counseling, which includes working in a hospital setting, drug rehab, school counseling, home health counseling, and private practice. Evelyn has spoken on a variety of topics all over the state. She has spoken at the National Association of Social Workers, Christian school regional conferences, School Social Work National Conference, and school in-services. Some of the topics she has spoken on include: Self-Injurious Behavior in Adolescents, Sexual Abuse, Mandated Reporting, Depression, Anxiety, and Eating Disorders. NOTE: you can freely redistribute this resource, electronically or in print, provided you give credit to the author.

"Taken" Dramatically Portrays Growing Sex Trafficking Industry

noreply@blogger.com (Evelyn Wenzel, LCSW, CAP) — Wed, 18 Mar 2009 14:42:00 +0000

“Taken” is a riveting movie where a father searches for his daughter, who is kidnapped and enslaved into the sex traffic trade. The movie gives an inside look at the recruitment and exploitation of these victims of organized crime. It is an important movie because it brings into the public’s mind a significant human rights issue. The trafficking of children and young women for sexual exploitation has dramatically increased in the past decade. And for the most part, the public is ignorant that this is also a problem in the United States.

Mirroring the movie, organized crime dominates the sexual trafficking industry. The sale of women and children on an international level is believed to be hugely profitable, with only narcotic and weapons sales exceeding it. The United States seems to serve more as a destination point, than as an originating country. However, American children and young women who are “recruited” appear to be sent to countries such as Germany and Japan that have a large sex trafficking industry.

The lifestyle imposed upon these sexually exploited victims is horrendous. They have no control over the location or hours they work. Traffickers move these women and children around the globe to maximize the demand for different young women and children to potential buyers. There is a physical and psychological toll upon these victims who may be sexually exploited several times a day. Mental health issues are a problem with these victims and once they are no longer profitable, they are replaced.

Become involved in educating people that sex trafficking is indeed a problem and lobby your community leaders to expose this growing problem.

Reference: Hodge, D. (2008). Sexual Trafficking in the United States: A Domestic Problem with Transnational Dimensions. Social Work, 53, 143-152.

About the Author: Evelyn Wenzel, MSW, LCSW, CAP enjoys working with children, adolescents, and adults. She specializes in PTSD, Depression, Addictions, Anxiety, self-injurious behavior, and sexual abuse. She has a diverse background in counseling, which includes working in a hospital setting, drug rehab, school counseling, home health counseling, and private practice. Evelyn has spoken on a variety of topics all over the state. She has spoken at the National Association of Social Workers, Christian school regional conferences, School Social Work National Conference, and school in-services. Some of the topics she has spoken on include: Self-Injurious Behavior in Adolescents, Sexual Abuse, Mandated Reporting, Depression, Anxiety, and Eating Disorders.

NOTE: you can freely redistribute this resource, electronically or in print, provided you leave the author's contact information below intact.

Rihanna, Don’t Do It! Don’t Go Back to Chris Brown!

noreply@blogger.com (Evelyn Wenzel, LCSW, CAP) — Wed, 04 Mar 2009 16:28:00 +0000

Rumors fly in the Rihanna- Chris Brown domestic violence incident. The couple reunited and is trying to work through their issues. But this scenario is all too common. Without professional intervention and accountability on Chris Brown’s part, the likelihood of domestic violence happening again is all too probable.

Domestic violence is a crime against women (although some men are also abused) that is all too often hushed and silenced. The cycle of abuse, which starts with the battering, concludes with a contrite male who offers some sort of reassurance that it will never happen again. Often he will try very hard to be extremely attentive and may offer gifts to his victim. Women who do leave find it difficult to separate, whether for financial or emotional reasons. Like Rihanna, they all too often return after a short separation.

The Orlando Sentinel reported on Wednesday, March 04, 2009 the statistics for Orange County. Did you know that there were 132,821 incidents of domestic violence here? It reported that medical costs for these victims cost an estimated $62.3 million in 2008. Mental health costs to provide services to the victims reached an estimated $31.4 million. With the heightened levels of stress that families are experiencing with the economy, the incidents of domestic violence are only going to increase.

About the Author: Evelyn Wenzel, MSW, LCSW, CAP enjoys working with children, adolescents, and adults. She specializes in PTSD, Depression, Addictions, Anxiety, self-injurious behavior, and sexual abuse. She has a diverse background in counseling, which includes working in a hospital setting, drug rehab, school counseling, home health counseling, and private practice. Evelyn has spoken on a variety of topics all over the state. She has spoken at the National Association of Social Workers, Christian school regional conferences, School Social Work National Conference, and school in-services. Some of the topics she has spoken on include: Self-Injurious Behavior in Adolescents, Sexual Abuse, Mandated Reporting, Depression, Anxiety, and Eating Disorders.

NOTE: you can freely redistribute this resource, electronically or in print, provided you leave the author's contact information below intact.

Drug and Alcohol Prevention Success Evident in Florida Youth

noreply@blogger.com (Evelyn Wenzel, LCSW, CAP) — Tue, 03 Mar 2009 15:27:00 +0000

The “war against drugs” in the schools is succeeding! The 2008 Florida Youth Substance Abuse Survey reported that every area of substance abuse declined from 2000-2008, with the exception of marijuana use and prescription drug abuse. Binge drinking (5 or more drinks in a row) declined, though the most significant decline occurred in the use of any illegal drug besides marijuana. The number of middle school and high school cigarette smokers has been reduced by half.

The problem with marijuana among students comes as no surprise. However, the good news is that fewer students (6th through 12th grade) are experimenting with this drug before the age of 14. The emerging area for concern lies in the increase in over-the-counter drugs, such as cough medications, and prescription drugs. More students are abusing pain killers and antidepressants. Prescriptions drug abuse was particularly noted among high school seniors.

What can help? Throw away old medications, unused prescriptions, and keep track of how many pills are left in current prescriptions! Monitor your child’s activities and be alert to changes of behavior in your teen. Educate your teen about the danger that prescription drugs and over-the-counter drugs pose. The whole community benefits when adolescents remain alcohol and drug free.

Source: The Florida Certification Board “Briefings” Winter 2009 edition.

About the Author: Evelyn Wenzel, MSW, LCSW, CAP enjoys working with children, adolescents, and adults. She specializes in PTSD, Depression, Addictions, Anxiety, self-injurious behavior, and sexual abuse. She has a diverse background in counseling, which includes working in a hospital setting, drug rehab, school counseling, home health counseling, and private practice. Evelyn has spoken on a variety of topics all over the state. She has spoken at the National Association of Social Workers, Christian school regional conferences, School Social Work National Conference, and school in-services. Some of the topics she has spoken on include: Self-Injurious Behavior in Adolescents, Sexual Abuse, Mandated Reporting, Depression, Anxiety, and Eating Disorders.

NOTE: you can freely redistribute this resource, electronically or in print, provided you leave the author's contact information below intact and give credit to the 2008 Florida Youth Substance Abuse Survey.

Solutions for Oppositional Defiance Disorder

noreply@blogger.com (James L West, MA, LMHC, NCC) — Sat, 28 Feb 2009 21:43:00 +0000

"If you say that one more time I am going to slap you" and as this mother was telling me the story, I immediately knew the outcome as she recalls the story over the weekend in a restaurant. Whenever a threat is made between a parent and Oppositional student it's like issuing a challenge and the one with the most energy wins. The student wins in their own mind if they can provoke the parent to jump into the ring with them. In a period of temporary insanity, the student will hunker down and go for the jugular in an attempt to win emotionally and the parent will pull rank by adding more restrictions and consequences. An emotional win for the student is when they can get the parent to a point of temporary insanity.
Parent: "Okay you have one week, do you want to go for two."
Student: "Fine I don't care if you ground me for a month."
Parent: "You got it!"
Now here is a great example of temporary insanity; there is a student grounded in the house with the parent for a month. So who really has the greatest punishment . . . the parent! The situation gets worse when the parents realize they were temporarily insane when they made this consequence and may give in and reduce the sentence to 1 week or 2 weeks. The student will also continue to annoy and pester the parent and wear them down emotionally during this time to get a reduced sentence. So when the parent reduces the time, in the mind of the student they "win again" as they were able to get the sentence reduced.

By the way, Temporary Insanity is typically reached when we become so angry that emotion drives our conversation and thoughts and we can not think logically. Typically when someone is Angry or Temporarily Insane it is a great idea to allow each other to walk away and revisit the conflict when both parties have had time to cool down and think about their part in the conflict.
Other examples of Temporary Insanity or Oppositional No No's are statements that we may not be able to enforce:
Parent: "Don't even think about it," "You will do it," "You will not do it," or "Put it away Now!"
According to Russell Barkely, M.D., a leading expert on Oppositional Defiance Disorder (ODD), it's not a genetic disorder. ODD is often a product of parents that are on opposite sides of the page. For instance, a passive parent and authoritarian parent that do not agree on discipline and the student will put a strain on the marriage and household by playing the parents against each other. Another parent scenario that encourages ODD behavior is an absent or uninvolved parent and authoritarian parent. Some parents will avoid the conflict and disengage again giving a message to the student they have won emotionally by wearing a parent down. Then the student thinks they are in control.
Treating ODD involves getting the parents in the same room and educating them so the parents can be on the same page. ODD student need to feel like they have choices and parents need to learn how to phrase questions that give the illusion of choices, but both choices need to have the same outcome. Parents will need to brace themselves as well as when they do get on the same page and start changing how they respond to the student as a united front, things will get worse before they get better. It's important during this time to weather through the storm because it will get better if the students realize the parents are working together.

Also, it is very important to be calm and give the student choices but with the same outcome for the parent. For example here's a student right before school that is watching TV before and he is not supposed to watch TV in the morning and will lose points toward afternoon privileges if his mother catches him watching TV. He also loves to eat breakfast:
Parent: "It's time for breakfast so what do you need to do?"
Student: "I I hate Breakfast!" (he's temporarily insane because he is caught and knows it will effect his afternoon privileges)
Parent: in a calm voice validates the students feelings "Wow I can see your frustrated" (notice he is temporarily insane and the mother learns not to address the non-compliance of watching TV as he would just escalate more. She will deal with this when he cools down and is able to process logic)
Student: "Yeah and I don't want to eat breakfast"
Parent: calm voice empathizes to hear the students emotions "I can see why you are frustrated because you love watching that program!"
Student: "I do like this program and I never get to watch it!"
Parent: calm voice avoids telling the student why he/she can not watch TV in the morning as they can never get ready on time "Well we have two choices . . . You can turn the TV off and have breakfast before we go to school or I can turn the TV off for you and I can turn off the TV and you can go to school without breakfast. I will give you 5 minutes to decide."
Now before I tell you what happened in this scenario, I had worked with the parent for a few weeks until she finally made the paradigm shift. For years, she would have jumped into the insanity with the child and duked it out verbally, but I was so proud of her because within 3 minutes he had turned the TV off and was eating breakfast. He had choices both with the same outcome "TV off" (which was the major stressor and barrier to getting him to school on time) and when given choices in a calm voice and time to think he can cool down emotionally. Once cool emotionally he can think logically and make a good choice. On his way home from school that same day his mother "used questions to lead him to the solution."
Parent: "what is the rule about TV in the morning?"
Student: "I lose privilege points for watching TV in the morning."
Parent: she affirmed him as if he had already complied "That's right or Good Answer" "So what are your choices this afternoon."
Student: "I can do a chore for you to earn back the privilege points or just lose some of the privilege time."
Parent: parent will feel with the child rather than talk down to the child "yes and I am sorry this happened. I will give you some time to decide what you want to do and I hope you do earn the time back because I know how much you like your privileges."

Another No No of Oppositional Defiance believe it or not is to say "No". "No" is another trigger and the goal is to avoid it as much as possible. Try to establish the rules and have the student repeat the rules. Then whenever a rule is broken or they want to push the limits, instead of telling the student they broke the rule you ask them a question leading them to the solution.
For example,
Student: "Can I have more computer time"
Parent: Empathize "I know how much you love your computer time, but what time is computer time over."
Student: "8pm"
Parent: "and what time is it?"
Student: "8 o'clock"
Parent: Affirm them as if they have already complied, "that's right so what do you need to do"
Student: "Turn off the computer."
Parent: Affirm them and add a positive comment about them as a person "Right again and I am so proud of you for following the rules."
Student: "I don't want to"
Parent: "You know your choices . . . You can turn it off and keep the privilege for tomorrow or I can turn it off and you will lose the privilege tomorrow . . . I will give you 3 minutes to think about it."
For more information The No No’s of Oppositional Defiance Disorder is now on DVD at www.totallifecounseling.com/odd.htm effective November 2007.

For helpful resources to save time by solving other parenting challenges visit: http://www.totallifecounseling.com/

NOTE: you can freely redistribute this resource, electronically or in print, provided you leave the authors contact information below intact.About the Author: James L West is a Nationally Certified Counselor, Licensed Mental Health Counselor and in practice since 1994 with a primary focus on child and adolescent issues. James is an author, professional speaker, school consultant, counselor and coach. He provides consultation to public and private schools across the state of Florida. His retreats are dynamic and with a purpose. Jim has clients come from all over Florida, Georgia, the Bahamas and England as 85% of his clients do not need medication. Jim uses FDA approved supplements and dietary changes along with therapeutic interventions, family education and support, social skills groups, leadership camps and more to assist families.Access more complimentary counseling and coaching resources from The Total Life Counseling Center (407.248.0030) by visiting their extensive posting of blogs and special reports designed to save you time by strategically solving problems at Total Life Counseling Center

5 Reasons Why You Can Survive Infidelity

Janie@totallifecounseling.com (Janie Lacy, M.S. Counseling/Psychology) — Wed, 11 Feb 2009 15:59:00 +0000

Watch Janie as she discusses this topic on Fox 35 Orlando!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nUq-9aTZ_1Q

From the Oval Office to Hollywood homes…. infidelities make headlines around the world. According to the “Myth of Monogamy” by Peggy Vaughan, 60 % of husbands and 40 % of wives will have an adulterous affair and 65% of those marriages will end in divorce. Infidelity can destroy even the strongest relationships. The betrayed partner is left with feelings of shame, guilt, and anger. These feelings can be extremely difficult to overcome, however, it is possible to emerge as a stronger couple with the support of family, friends, a therapist, and each other.

There are many reasons why someone has an affair. It can range from poor judgment and a lack of impulse control at the office with a co-worker to a more common search for an emotional connection. Whatever the reason the effect is devastation to the relationship. "Nothing rocks a person's sense of self, trust, and marriage more than infidelity," says Michelle Weiner-Davis, author of The Sex-Starved Marriage. "Infidelity leaves people questioning their sanity, as well as everything they believe to be true about their spouse, and about the viability of their marriage. Infidelity is crippling."

Consider these 5 Reasons Why You Can Survive Infidelity:

1. RAW HONESTY. After all cards are on the table, the couple has an opportunity to create a new pathway to healing and growth. Honesty is about more than just not lying; it is also about not withholding relevant information.

2. EMOTIONAL NEEDS. The needs of each individual can now be truly discovered, and these needs will need to be met on a daily basis to keep the couple walking on the pathway to healing and growth.

3. ACCOUNTABLITY. Accountability is needed on a different level, which creates a sense of security and trust. This also includes letting your spouse know when you are attracted to someone else. This will keep it from being in secret, thus decreasing the opportunity to manifest into an inappropriate relationship.

4. COMMUNICATION. There is no way around it. When a couple decides to fight for their marriage, deep and intense communication emerges over time. The myth of “what I don’t know won’t hurt me” robs individuals of being able to act on facts.

5. REBUILT TRUST. According to Glen Westberry with Living in Freedom Everyday (L.I.F.E.) Ministries, rebuilding trust for the offended person is the most difficult part of the healing process because the offended person does not know what has been true and what has been a lie in their marriage. The offender thinks that forgiveness is the key and that it will make the relationship better. However, forgiveness is not for the offender, it is for the offended person. When that person forgives, it brings healing and it opens the door to rebuild trust and starts the journey to healing.

RESOURCES:

Weiner-Davis, M. (2003). The Sex-Starved Marriage: Boosting Your Marriage Libido: A Couple's Guide. New York: Simon and Schuster.

Westberry, Glen. Living In Freedom Everyday Ministry (L.I.F.E.) Orlando, Florida.

Vaughan, P. (2003) The Monogamy Myth: A Personal Handbook for Recovering from Affairs, Third Edition. New York: New Market Press.

About the Author: Janie Lacy, M.S. is a Mental Health Counselor who has a passion to reach out and help people grow and mature through difficult life situations. Janie has invested in the lives of others through public speaking, leadership training, educational instruction and small group ministry. Janie received her Masters of Science degree in Counseling Psychology through Palm Beach Atlantic University and her Bachelors of Science degree in Business Administration from the University of Central Florida, specializing in management. Her professional affiliations are with the American Counseling Association, the American Association of Christian Counselors, and the Florida Mental Health Counselors Association. http://www.totallifecounseling.com/
View media stories on our blogs and Educational Videos on the following topics: ADHD, Oppositional Defiance Disorder, Mistakes Parents Make when they Divorce, and more.

US Airways 1549 - 3 Ways to Combat Fear in our World Today

noreply@blogger.com (Evelyn Wenzel, LCSW, CAP) — Fri, 16 Jan 2009 21:35:00 +0000

911…Virginia Tech Massacre…Plane crashing…

How do you combat Fear in our world today?

Although we hail the miraculous landing of US Airlines Flight 1549, the event still escalates many people’s anxiety about flying. Postings on Face Book, blogs, and other sites show just how many people are fearful of flying.

Why is this? Perhaps it is because people are herded into a relatively small space and have no control over any aspect of their trip. Perhaps it is because other forms of transportation are grounded, and it seems unnatural to be 30,000 feet in the air. Maybe it’s because plane accidents usually mean certain death while people often survive automobile, train, or bus accidents. So we worry about all the possible things that could cause an accident – poor visibility, mechanical failure, pilot error – and now we need to add birds to the list?

So how do we combat fear in a society where unexpected, uncontrollable events occur.

Broadening our focus and looking at what we can control. Anxiety by its very nature tells us to expect the worst-case scenario and causes our attention to be narrowly focused on details that support that outcome rather than looking at the broader picture.
Reflect on the meaning of the particular fear and its possible relationship to other things going on in your life.
Seek out a therapist who can help us understand and deal with out fear. No one should have to live with constant fear. Cognitive behavioral therapy is a very effective means of dealing with the anxieties that interfere with your daily living.

About the Author: Evelyn Wenzel, MSW, LCSW, CAP enjoys working with children, adolescents, and adults. She specializes in PTSD, Depression, Addictions, Anxiety, self-injurious behavior, and sexual abuse. She has a diverse background in counseling, which includes working in a hospital setting, drug rehab, school counseling, and private practice. Evelyn has spoken on a variety of topics all over the state. She has spoken at the National Association of Social Workers, Christian school regional conferences, Seminole County Child Protection Conference, School Social Work National Conference, Orlando County Public School Conference, and school in-services. Some of the topics she has spoken on include: Self-Injurious Behavior in Adolescents, Sexual Abuse, Mandated Reporting, Depression, Anxiety, and Eating Disorders. For more information go to Total Life Counseling Center's website.

NOTE: you can freely redistribute this resource, electronically or in print, provided you leave the author's contact information below intact.

Five Tips To Stay Married

noreply@blogger.com (Sandi Burchfield, M.S., IMH-1129) — Mon, 12 Jan 2009 04:14:00 +0000

Fox News 35 did a story on our blog. See it below.

Do you want to know how you can rekindle the romance and bring that spark back into your marriage? Below are five proactive ways to stay married:

1. Reclaim your date night. Remember staying up all night talking on the phone, or sitting outside in your spouse’s car – just to hear his/her voice a little longer? Did you used to play cards or take the Jet Ski’s out on Saturdays? Don’t give up your date night, just because you have children or because all the bills are due. It is a NECESSITY to learn to play together again. At least once a month, set an appointment to have a date together. Do something you enjoyed before getting married, try something new, and go out to dinner without the kids. And call it a date. Get dressed up or dressed down, whatever fits your personality. The good thing about dates: they don’t have to be costly. Just something fun, something energetic, just the two of you.
2. Boundaries with the Children and Careers. Though the economy is not looking great, don’t go into panic mode chasing the almighty dollar. Your spouse needs your time and attention. Though the children need enriching activities and have important sporting events, they need to see their parents love each other more. Set a limit on how many hours you will work this week. Put the children to bed at an earlier time or enforce quiet time in their rooms after a specific hour. Make sure you have at least 30 minutes of quality time together so you can listen and empathize with your marriage partner’s day. Also, share things with your husband because, he is not a mind reader like the romance novels would lead you to believe. There is a reason why they call those books “Fiction.” Getting to know each other doesn’t stop at “I do”.
3. Allow Each Other To Have Some Space. It isn’t a bad thing to have individual interests. If he wants to play golf, she can spend the time catching up on some shopping with the girls. Make sure to practice appropriate boundaries by sharing your individual interests with the same sex (men go out with male friends; women go out with female friends). Don’t be surprised if you both start to appreciate having new things to share with each other. The old cliché “Absence makes the heart grow fonder” may ring true after you have shared a day apart from one another.
4. Spice Up the Intimate Moments. Have fun giving each other kisses or long embraces, and listen to your kids say, “Ewww, gross!” Send the children to grandma’s or allow them to spend the night with a trusted friend, so you can rekindle the romance in your home. Try new positions, take a bath together, get out the soft music and scented candles. Men, if you prepare your wives, I can almost guarantee she’ll return the favor before the night is over.
5. Fight fair. This can be much more difficult than it sounds. Expect to have disagreements or to get angry at each other when things do not go as planned. But do NOT call each other hurtful names, do NOT say “I don’t love you or I’m going to leave”, and do NOT fight in front of the children if possible. Before you embrace an argument, think about whether or not it is worth the energy. Does it really matter if it was you or him that forgot to turn out the lights or should you save your energy for discussing something that is important like not forgetting to pick up Jane from school again? Remember to pick your battles. Life will go on if the electric bill goes up a few dollars, but will be detrimental if you neglect your parental responsibilities.
The spirit of despair does not have to ruin your marriage. Depression does not have to be a common word in your household. Take steps today to improve the state of your marriage. If you are struggling in your marriage give us a call at Total Life Counseling. It would be our pleasure to come along side you to improve your marriage!! Call us at 407-248-0030 or visit our website at www.totallifecounseling.com

NOTE: you can freely redistribute this resource, electronically or in print, provided you leave the authors contact information below intact.

About the Author: This article was written by Sandi Burchfield. Sandi received her Masters in Counseling Psychology through Palm Beach Atlantic University. Cassandra also has her Bachelors of Science degree in Psychology & Criminology from the University of Tampa. Sandi has extensive training and experience working with children and adult victims of sexual and physical abuse, parental neglect, and domestic violence with the Department of Children & Families, as well as with a local domestic violence shelter. She also has experience in working with the Department of Juvenile Justice. Total Life Counseling has offices in Orlando, Winter Park and Clermont Florida.

View media stories on our blogs and Educational Videos on the following topics: ADHD, Oppositional Defiance Disorder, Mistakes Parents Make when they Divorce, and more.

Tips for Combating the Holiday Blues

noreply@blogger.com (Evelyn Wenzel, LCSW, CAP) — Thu, 11 Dec 2008 18:55:00 +0000

Whether someone has lost a loved one, has a house in foreclosure, or gone through a divorce, Christmas is an especially difficult time of year. Loss, death, separation, and divorce issues seem especially painful during the holiday season. At a time when people focus on their family and relatives, it accentuates the depth of many people’s pain.

This year many people have lost their jobs and have the added stress of worrying about how they are going to keep food on the table and pay their mortgage. Depression, sadness, Remembering the “happy” times compared to the present can create depression, sadness, anxiety, and loneliness.

So knowing that this is a very difficult time, what are some steps that can help?

Forget the expectation of what is “supposed” to happen and decide what you want to experience during the holiday season. Take charge of your life!
Exploring past memories may create a spiral into depression. Both happy and sad memories can do this! If focusing on these memories trigger depression, focus on experiencing the moment and give yourself permission to feel a wide range of emotions.
Create new traditions. Often expressions of holiday traditions involve painful connections to loss. Creating new ones can make the holidays tolerable. If a family member died, decide if it would be a positive move to include this person’s memory in some aspect of this new tradition.
Volunteer time to help others. Oftentimes the loss causes so much pain that there is no desire whatsoever to celebrate the holidays. However, helping others may keep the focus off self and add meaning to this time in a new way.
Reduce stress. This may mean examining your lifestyle and finding ways to reduce the demands on your life.
Talk to a friend Sharing thoughts and feelings with a trusted friend often decreases the sense of loneliness.

About the Author: Evelyn Wenzel, MSW, LCSW, CAP enjoys working with children, adolescents, and adults. She specializes in PTSD, Depression, Addictions, Anxiety, self-injurious behavior, and sexual abuse. She has a diverse background in counseling, which includes working in a hospital setting, drug rehab, school counseling, home health counseling, and private practice. Evelyn has spoken on a variety of topics all over the state. She has spoken at the National Association of Social Workers, Christian school regional conferences, School Social Work National Conference, and school in-services. Some of the topics she has spoken on include: Self-Injurious Behavior in Adolescents, Sexual Abuse, Mandated Reporting, Depression, Anxiety, and Eating Disorders.
For more Information go to Total Life Counseling Center's site.
NOTE: you can freely redistribute this resource, electronically or in print, provided you leave the author's contact information below intact.

View media stories on our blogs and Educational Videos on the following topics: ADHD, Oppositional Defiance Disorder, Mistakes Parents Make when they Divorce, and more.

4 Warning Signs of an Abusive Teen Relationship

noreply@blogger.com (Evelyn Wenzel, LCSW, CAP) — Tue, 02 Dec 2008 16:52:00 +0000

Having a teen dating in today’s world is quite a challenge! Because so many teens are accepting some level of abuse as “normal” in relationships, knowing the warning signs of a potentially abusive relationship become critical.

1. Relationship becomes very serious quickly
This is probably what signals a troubled relationship from the very beginning. There are no established boundaries and the teens are saying they love one another from their very first date or shortly thereafter. They will sneak out of the house at night, lie about where they are, or move in together after a short period of time. One teen might pressure the other for a serious commitment or want to get engaged after a few months of dating!

2. Controlling behaviors
Again, one member in the relationship begins to exert control over the other. He (pronoun will be used because more boys abuse than girls) tells his girlfriend what to wear, what she should eat, who she can be with when not with him, etc.
Extreme jealousy is a form of controlling behavior.

3. Isolating girl/boyfriend
No longer can the teens relate freely to their parents. The boyfriend monopolizes and dictates whom she is allowed to spend her time. They spend large amounts of time together at the exclusion of friends and family.

4. Verbal abuse
The boy or girl friend manipulates the other by calling them names, swearing at them, and putting them down. For example, he may call her “stupid”, “idiot”, “slut”, and other similar names to strike at her personhood.

Breaking up from one of these relationships is not easy either, but it is far easier to in the beginning when the red flags present themselves than when greater damage has been inflicted. Unfortunately, teens stay in relationships that are unhealthy unless they receive help to get disengaged.

About the Author: Evelyn Wenzel, MSW, LCSW, CAP enjoys working with children, adolescents, and adults. She specializes in PTSD, Depression, Addictions, Anxiety, self-injurious behavior, and sexual abuse. She has a diverse background in counseling, which includes working in a hospital setting, drug rehab, school counseling, home health counseling, and private practice. Evelyn has spoken on a variety of topics all over the state. She has spoken at the National Association of Social Workers, Christian school regional conferences, School Social Work National Conference, and school in-services. Some of the topics she has spoken on include: Self-Injurious Behavior in Adolescents, Sexual Abuse, Mandated Reporting, Depression, Anxiety, and Eating Disorders. For More information go to Total Life Counseling Center's site.

NOTE: you can freely redistribute this resource, electronically or in print, provided you leave the author's contact information below intact.

View media stories on our blogs and Educational Videos on the following topics: ADHD, Oppositional Defiance Disorder, Mistakes Parents Make when they Divorce, and more.

TIME FOR A CAREER CHANGE?: Reasons Why Your Career Choice Matters

noreply@blogger.com (Anthony Gutierrez) — Wed, 26 Nov 2008 21:11:00 +0000

Has the changing economy created job security concerns for your career? More than likely career stability and choices are at the forefront of our thoughts and desires. Have you giving enough consideration to your career? Do you know the best career fit for you? Are you prepared to maximize your talents and strengths in a meaningful field? These are questions that you will need to answer to maximize your opportunity for happiness and success in your career.

According to Bureau of Labor Statistics in January 2007:
*Unemployment rate was 3.6%
*Total labor force was 9,068, 212
*8,735,534 of those individuals were employed
*328, 678 were unemployed

In Sept 2008:
*Total labor force of 9,326,000
*8,712, 836 of those individuals were gainfully employed
*613, 164 were unemployed which equated to a 6.6% unemployment rate

These are some of the highest rates we have seen since Dec 2001 when it was 6%. Career planning has never been more important for identifying your current strengths and weaknesses as you try to effectively re-enter the workplace after a job loss or if you are entering the workplace as a new college graduate.

Did you know that the average adult would make 4 to 6 career changes during their lifetime? This may be due to not having a clear understanding of what career may be the best fit or reductions in the work force due to economic situations.

Know your major before college and save Thousands of dollars

Do you think that the new college student will need to have a better idea of their career goals? There are countless dollars spent on students starting a course major of study and then changing that major. Are you aware of the average costs of tuition?
*A private 4-year college is $25, 143 a year (up 5.9% from last year.)
*A public 4-year college is $6,585 a year (up 6.4% from last year)
*A public 4-year college out of state is $10,687 a year.
A change in majors could cost lost and increased time needed to complete a new major course of study. Did you know that a change in a major could also cost your financial aid? Some student’s financial aid or scholarships are directly tied to their field of study and when they change majors they lose their financial aid. Did you know that 2 out of 3 students would change their major at least once during their college career? A good assessment of what the individual’s career interests are become priceless. Total Life Counseling offers full-service career counseling, so call today to make your appointment to discover if you are in the right career.

Resources

CollegeBoard (2008). 2008-09 college prices: Keep increases in perspective. Retrieved October 15, 2008 from www.collegeboard.com/student/pay/add-it-up/4494.html

Diehl, C. (2008). A major switch. Retrieved October 13, 2008 from www.fastweb.com/fastweb/resources/articles/index/110254.

Stanek, S. (2005.) Want to change your major?: You’re not alone. Chicago Tribune. Chicago, ILL: July 31, 2005. page 1.

United States Department of Labor (2008). Bureau of labor statistics. Retrieved October 17, 2008 from www.bls.gov

NOTE: you can freely redistribute this resource, electronically or in print, provided you leave the authors contact information below intact. About the Author: Anthony Gutierrez, M.S. is a Counselor Intern whose clinical focus includes career coaching, sports recreation therapy, marriage and relationship challenges, adventure based therapy, and depression, and bilingual services. Anthony has 13 years of business experience including customer service, operations, and sales. Anthony enjoys working with children, individuals, and couples.
Access more complimentary counseling and coaching resources from The Total Life Counseling Center (407.248.0030) by visiting their extensive posting of blogs and special reports designed to save you time by strategically solving problems at http://www.totallifecounseling.com/

View media stories on our blogs and Educational Videos on the following topics: ADHD, Oppositional Defiance Disorder, Mistakes Parents Make when they Divorce, and more.

4 Ways Unforgiveness Destroys Your Marriage

Janie@totallifecounseling.com (Janie Lacy, M.S. Counseling/Psychology) — Mon, 17 Nov 2008 19:47:00 +0000

Unforgiveness does its work slowly. It’s almost like mold behind a wall, you may not notice it this day or the next day, but eventually you will experience its harmful effects.

1. We increasingly limit the intimacy of our relationship.
Unforgiveness is like a wall that you are building a brick at a time, a week at a time, and over a significant period of time the wall gets very thick and very high in the sense that intimacy in your relationship is lost.

2. We carry the ever-exhausting weight of bitterness.
Out of all the consequences of being bitter, the most debilitating is that we are worn out by it. The more we are bitter the more it makes us tired in our heart. It eventually makes us tired in our body as well. Bitter people are exhausted people because it is a weight to carry.

3. We model for our children a life of gracelessness.
Those little eyes and hearts are watching us to see what we do when we are hurt and have had something done to us that was clearly wrong. When they see that we respond with unforgiveness, distance, coldness, and bitterness, what we are programming in their little hearts is that when people hurt them, they need to make the person pay for it and they should refuse to forgive. Therefore, they grow up to be unforgiving adults and continue the sad cycle in their own relationships.

4. We deceive ourselves with a false sense of superiority.
Unforgiveness and bitterness is one of those deceiving emotions that at first makes you feel empowered that you are strong and that you are in control because you feel that you have drawn a line and have shown just how tough you are, thus giving you a false sense of superiority to your spouse. Control and unforgiveness never gives us moral authority in someone else’s life and it never earns us respect. It never earns us the kind of real relationship power we desire, which only comes from love, humility and forgiveness.

Resources:

Robert “Bob” Moeller, President Of Marriage Vine, Inc.

Worthington E.L., Jr (2005). Handbook of Forgiveness. New York: Brunner-Routledge.

About the Author: Janie Lacy, M.S. is a Mental Health Counselor Intern who has a passion to reach out and help people grow and mature through difficult life situations. Janie has invested in the lives of others through public speaking, leadership training, educational instruction and small group ministry. Janie received her Masters of Science degree in Counseling Psychology through Palm Beach Atlantic University and her Bachelors of Science degree in Business Administration from the University of Central Florida, specializing in management. Her professional affiliations are with the American Counseling Association, the American Association of Christian Counselors, and the Florida Mental Health Counselors Association. http://www.totallifecounseling.com/

View media stories on our blogs and Educational Videos on the following topics: ADHD, Oppositional Defiance Disorder, Mistakes Parents Make when they Divorce, and more.

4 Ways Troubled Marriages Produce Troubled Kids

Janie@totallifecounseling.com (Janie Lacy, M.S. Counseling/Psychology) — Mon, 17 Nov 2008 02:12:00 +0000

Do you value your children’s future? Of course you do! That is why it is important to give them a fighting chance at approaching life in a healthy and balanced way. You can begin by modeling to them what a healthy and balanced marriage looks like.

1. Tension and fighting between parents takes a heavy toll on children.
Some were raised in a home where there was arguing between their parents, so you know the truth in that statement. Others who may have come from a calmer home, but now you are in a marriage where there is a great deal of bickering. Your children are paying a very high emotional price from the two of you fighting and taking out your tensions in front of them.

2. Children carry a false guilt that the fighting is their fault.
It is hard for our adult minds to put our arms around that thought. Why would our kids think they are the cause for the tension? In their little hearts some how they believe if they were better kids, better behaved and did things right, that the two of you would get along better. This produces a guilt that can be suffocating.

3. Children feel a responsibility to fix the marriage.
They love the two of you and want you to be happy, so they will go to almost any length to try to fix and save your marriage. Bob Muellor tells a story of a little boy that found his mother crying on Mother’s Day because her husband wanted to show her how angry he was, so he did not get her anything. The little boy got on his bike and rode down to the store with his money and got candy and a card and signed it from him and his dad. Do we really want to put children in that kind of place? Have them carry that kind of emotional weight? I don’t think so.

4. Children are overwhelmed by continual fear and insecurity.
Every door that is slammed and every shout that is made, it sends a shock wave where they begin to wonder is mom and dad going to stay together? Am I going to have a home? Are they going to divorce? Is this the beginning of the end? You are now raising a child that is fear driven or completely overcome with anxiety about the next day. This tends to affect the other areas of their life because they are overwhelmed by it.

WHAT TO DO EVEN IF YOU HAVE A MARRIAGE WITHOUT PROBLEMS

1. Adults should keep their arguments behind (quiet) closed doors.
You have to show maturity, self-control and wisdom if a fight is starting or if an argument is underway, to ask your spouse to step into another room to talk things over. Get out of the presence of the kids; they don’t need to hear that fight. They can’t do anything to stop it or control it, so it only injures them.

2. Adults should never ask the children to choose sides.
If you really want to tear their hearts right down the middle, just make them choose whom they love more, mom or dad. When you are upset and turn to your child and say well isn’t that the case? Don’t you agree? Haven’t you said that to me before? You really are just putting them in a no win situation because they are the product of the two of you. They belong to each of you and they don’t want to choose sides.

3. Adults should assure the children they (permanently) love each other.
Particularly after an argument which they may have heard a portion of, you need to go to them and say, “I want to assure you that mom and dad love each other, we are not going to divorce, and this marriage is permanent”.

4. Parents should apologize to the children for their fighting.
If the kids heard you saying and acting in a nasty way, you need to get down on your knee or bend down, get on eye level and say, “Daddy needs to ask your forgiveness for talking to mom that way” (or visa-versa). It will do more to heal their hearts, bring assurance, and help them to recover more than you could possibly imagine.

Resources:

Harley Willard, F. Jr. Caring for Children Means Caring for Each Other. Retrieved from http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8112_care.html

Total Living Network: For Better, For Worse, For Keeps: June 10, 2008.

About the Author: Janie Lacy is a Mental Health Counselor Intern who has a passion to reach out and help people grow and mature through difficult life situations. Janie has invested in the lives of others through public speaking, leadership training, educational instruction and small group ministry. Janie received her Masters of Science degree in Counseling Psychology through Palm Beach Atlantic University and her Bachelors of Science degree in Business Administration from the University of Central Florida, specializing in management. Her professional affiliations are with the American Counseling Association, the American Association of Christian Counselors, and the Florida Mental Health Counselors Association. http://www.totallifecounseling.com/

View media stories on our blogs and Educational Videos on the following topics: ADHD, Oppositional Defiance Disorder, Mistakes Parents Make when they Divorce, and more.

7 Steps to Help Parents Who Are Clueless About Cyber Technology in Teen Dating Abuse

noreply@blogger.com (Evelyn Wenzel, LCSW, CAP) — Tue, 11 Nov 2008 16:46:00 +0000

Having a teen dating is a big enough challenge without worrying about their internet and cell phone connections! However, in today’s relationships, land lines are a thing of the past and parents are unaware of whom their teen is communicating with. MySpace, other social networking sites, and texting, all remove the parent’s awareness of what is going on in their adolescent’s relationships. Although they see their teenager constantly texting or checking their MySpace, they are unaware that this could be evidence of an abusive or inappropriate relationship.Teenage Research Unlimited Survey of 13-18 (2008) found that:
● 67% of parents whose teens were monitored on their cell phones up to 30 times/day were unaware of its occurrence
● 82% of parents whose teens were sending/receiving e-mails or texts 30 times per hour did not know this was happening
● 71% were unaware that their teen was afraid to respond to their boyfriends/girlfriends cell/text/IM message or e-mail because of what they might do.

Seven steps to regain control1.

Interesting, this survey also showed that only 28% of parents limited their teenager’s use of their cell phone and on-line communication. Limitation is the first step to preventing abuse. Many teens’ secretive communication occurs between midnight and 5:00 am. Deciding on an appropriate cut off time for both the cell phone and on-line communication is necessary. For some teens, a simple agreement will suffice; however, for others, physically removing the phone and laptop will be necessary
2. Examine your phone bills and determine if there is indeed a problem. Does your teen connect with one number incessantly? Or do the numbers seem to be spread out over a variety of numbers? This will help determine the need for further intervention.
3. Many phone companies allow for parental controls on their children’s phones. This is a really good feature that too few parents take advantage of. There is a fee involved, but it can limit the hours they call/text without you having to constantly remind them when their time will be up.
4. Limit the amount of time spent on MySpace or other social networking sites. Too many vulnerable teens believe they are in a relationship only to find out the person doesn’t exist. Teen profiles are often false; they enjoy creating a fantasy identity, sometimes because they have difficulty relating to others in real social settings. A great site to check out is www.time-scout.com. The time scout monitor allows parents to control the amount of time their kids spend on the computer and removes them from the constant “just a few more minutes” battle.
5. Know whom your teen is dating and monitor where they are going.
6. Talk to your teen about normal dating practices.
7. Know the warning signs of teen abusive relationships (see future article).

About the Author: Evelyn Wenzel, MSW, LCSW, CAP enjoys working with children, adolescents, and adults. She specializes in PTSD, Depression,Addictions, Anxiety, self-injurious behavior, and sexual abuse. She has a diverse background in counseling, which includes working in a hospital setting, drug rehab, school counseling, home health counseling, and private practice. Evelyn has spoken on a variety of topics all over the state. She has spoken at the National Association of Social Workers, Christian school regional conferences, School Social Work National Conference, and school in-services. Some of the topics she has spoken on include: Self-Injurious Behavior in Adolescents, Sexual Abuse, Mandated Reporting, Depression, Anxiety, and Eating Disorders. For more Information go to Total Life Counseling Center's site.
NOTE: you can freely redistribute this resource, electronically or in print, provided you leave the author's contact information below intact.

View media stories on our blogs and Educational Videos on the following topics: ADHD, Oppositional Defiance Disorder, Mistakes Parents Make when they Divorce, and more.

Cyberbullying: Technology as a Weapon of Teen Abuse

noreply@blogger.com (Evelyn Wenzel, LCSW, CAP) — Wed, 05 Nov 2008 18:57:00 +0000

Teens use technology as a way of stalking, abusing, and blackmailing others. In most relationships, Instant Messaging, texting, and social networking places such as My Space are convenient ways to communicate. But in a growing number of teen relationships, technology is being used as a potent weapon against one another. For example, if either the boy or girl friend is not comfortable having a sexual relationship, the other may threaten to wage cyber war by spread rumors and pictures via texting and the internet.

The Teenage Research Unlimited Survey of 13-18 (2008) uncovered the following statistics regarding cyber abuse.

71% of teens recognize the seriousness of using cell phones and social networking in spreading rumors
68% see problem with sharing embarrassing pictures/videos on computers and phones
24% of teens in a relationship text or talk hourly between midnight and 5:00am
30% say they receive text messages wanting to know where they are, what
they are doing, and who they are with from their boy/girlfriend 10-30 times per hour

Cell phones and text messaging are a means for a teenager to be independent of their parents and give them assess to others at all times day and night. Consequently many parents have no idea whether their teen maintains constant contact with another nor if they are subject to cyber abuse. Parents need to be on the alert for this possibility and limit late evening cell phone and computer use.

About the Author: Evelyn Wenzel, MSW, LCSW, CAP enjoys working with children, adolescents, and adults. She specializes in PTSD, Depression, Addictions, Anxiety, self-injurious behavior, and sexual abuse. She has a diverse background in counseling, which includes working in a hospital setting, drug rehab, school counseling, home health counseling, and private practice. Evelyn has spoken on a variety of topics all over the state. She has spoken at the National Association of Social Workers, Christian school regional conferences, School Social Work National Conference, and school in-services. Some of the topics she has spoken on include: Self-Injurious Behavior in Adolescents, Sexual Abuse, Mandated Reporting, Depression, Anxiety, and Eating Disorders. For more information go to Total Life Counseling Center's site.
NOTE: you can freely redistribute this resource, electronically or in print, provided you leave the author's contact information below intact.

View media stories on our blogs and Educational Videos on the following topics: ADHD, Oppositional Defiance Disorder, Mistakes Parents Make when they Divorce, and more.

"Missing Piece" Video Makes Debut

noreply@blogger.com (Evelyn Wenzel, LCSW, CAP) — Tue, 04 Nov 2008 19:57:00 +0000

Florida’s Center for the Advancement of Child Welfare Practice selected Evelyn Wenzel’s seminar to videotape at the Seminole County Child Protection Conference, October 28, 2008. The video on “The Missing Piece in Sexual Abuse Treatment: The Key to Reducing the Risk of Revictimization” will appear on their website at www.centerforchildwelfare.org. The goal of the center is to distribute accurate and relevant information to achieve practice excellence. The Center’s website makes resources constantly available to professionals who are interested in child welfare.

“The Missing Piece in Sexual Abuse Treatment” focuses on those aspects of treatment that are often not routinely addressed. There are four areas that Evelyn believes are essential to cover to reduce the rate of revictimization. Those areas include boundaries, characteristics of the offender, safety issues, and education. Abuse, regardless of the form it takes, deters and alters the normal growth and development of children and for that reason it behooves us as mental health practitioners to hone our skills. For More Information go to Total Life Counseling Center's site.

View media stories on our blogs and Educational Videos on the following topics: ADHD, Oppositional Defiance Disorder, Mistakes Parents Make when they Divorce, and more.

NOTE: you can freely redistribute this resource, electronically or in print, provided you leave the author's contact information below intact. About the Author: Evelyn Wenzel, MSW, LCSW, CAP enjoys working with children, adolescents, and adults. She specializes in PTSD, Depression, Addictions, Anxiety, self-injurious behavior, and sexual abuse. She has a diverse background in counseling, which includes working in a hospital setting, drug rehab, school counseling, home health counseling, and private practice. Evelyn has spoken on a variety of topics all over the state. She has spoken at the National Association of Social Workers, Christian school regional conferences, School Social Work National Conference, and school in-services. Some of the topics she has spoken on include: Self-Injurious Behavior in Adolescents, Sexual Abuse, Mandated Reporting, Depression, Anxiety, and Eating Disorders.