Total Transformation Review

More Information on the Total Transformation

noreply@blogger.com (Christina Shaver) — Sun, 29 Mar 2009 12:46:00 +0000

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Interested in purchasing the program? Please consider buying it from me. I use the commission they give to help off-set my son's sky high therapy costs. Call 1-866-620-1293 or click below.

Small Steps First

noreply@blogger.com (Christina Shaver) — Fri, 06 Feb 2009 21:35:00 +0000

A crappy night's sleep makes for a crabby kid at the end of the day.

That was my yesterday. My husband said he was completely impressed by how I handled the situation. I feel like a Total Transformation pro.

I knew that when Evan's Ritalin kicked out of his system at the end of the day, I needed to get him fed and get him to bed since he would be tired. He put up the most gigantic fight with me about eating. He kept saying he was full and that he wanted to go to sleep.

The thing is, if I were to put him to bed, he would wake up hungry which would mean another bad night's sleep, and the cycle would start again.

I wasn't backing down on the fact that he needed dinner, and his anger erupted. He had some toys with him at the time, which I removed for not following my directions.

As I calmly worked with him (thank you, Total Transformation for giving me the tools I need to remain calm!), at one point he slapped the plate out of my hand. His entire dinner was on the floor.

That's when I had it, and sent him to the den so that he could cool down and I could clean-up.

As soon as I put him in the room, he was screaming at the top of his lungs about how he was ready to eat dinner. My husband said he would stay with him so I could quickly get the food off the floor. I could hear them going back and forth. My husband said that he wouldn't let Evan out of the room to eat until he stopped screaming.

My husband was trying. Sounds like reasonable behavior therapy. A desired action yields a good consequence.

The problem was that my husband was asking way too much of a child who was way too out of control. Evan had lost it. "A smaller step!" I kept telling him. "A smaller step!"

I took over the situation and said to Evan, "Do you want to leave this room?"

"Yes," he said. Or I should say he screamed in my face.

"Then I want you to show me that you can be quiet. If you can go quietly down the stairs -- with no screaming -- then I will give you your toy back."

He did it. He didn't scream, but he stomped and jumped his way all the way down.

But it was exactly what he needed. He needed to be given the opportunity to succeed. If only just a little. He went down the stairs with no screaming, and he got his toy back.

After he learned that I would allow him certain privileges during our interaction if he did what I said, he was more and more compliant. I said he could earn back another toy if he took a bite of food. He took the bite, and earned the toy.

And things began to calm down.

Within about five minutes, he was in my lap crying and saying that he was sorry. (I didn't ask him for an apology.) After he released his tears, we finished dinner together and I put him to bed.

So, yeah. I feel good about the skills I've learned from the Total Transformation Program. Raising a kid with ADHD is hard. I don't know what I'd do without the program.

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Interested in purchasing the program? Please consider buying it from me. I use the commission they give to help off-set my son's sky high therapy costs. Call 1-866-620-1293 or click below.

Hopeful Parents!

noreply@blogger.com (Christina Shaver) — Fri, 30 Jan 2009 02:39:00 +0000

The new blog is live! Please check out Hopeful Parents. I'll be there an awful lot, and will try to post about the Total Transformation more there.

Thanks!

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Interested in purchasing the program? Please consider buying it from me. I use the commission they give to help off-set my son's sky high therapy costs. Call 1-866-620-1293 or click below.

Yikes!

noreply@blogger.com (Christina Shaver) — Sat, 17 Jan 2009 17:17:00 +0000

Sorry to all who keep up with this blog that I have not posted in nearly a month. Life has gotten in the way -- holidays, birthdays, my son's psychological breakdown.

He has been having such awful breakdowns for the past few weeks. These are things that are way past any type of behavior therapy. You look in his eyes to try to "get to him," but he's not even there. His psychiatrist has prescribed Clonidine that we are to give him in those moments when he is "psychotic." So hopefully that -- with the behavior techniques in the Total Transformation that I love so well -- will get him back in line.

Also, I wanted to let you know that I'm starting a new blog called Hopeful Parents. It's still under construction, to be launched for realz on January 29th. But, I thought I'd give you the heads-up. That's also been taking up my precious blogging time from here.

Please be patient with me, because I will definitely be back to regular posting. So much to talk about...
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Interested in purchasing the program? Please consider buying it from me. I use the commission they give to help off-set my son's sky high therapy costs. Call 1-866-620-1293 or click below.

Did You Just Purchase the Program?

noreply@blogger.com (Christina Shaver) — Wed, 24 Dec 2008 03:46:00 +0000

Someone just purchased a program through me. Was it you? Were you buying it for yourself or for a loved one? Or are you Santa?

I'm hoping you were buying this as a gift for someone, not for yourself. Holidays are supposed to be these magic, nostalgic times where families build memories that last a lifetime. Only sometimes with kids who have behavior issues, those memories aren't always good ones.

I usually see a bump in sales on holidays -- Mother's Day and Father's Day tug at my heartstrings the most. I don't assume the sales on those days were gifts. I picture a family having a rough time at brunch, fighting words at home, and the parent -- who is supposed to be enjoying the day about them -- breaking down to purchase a behavioral program for their child.

But on Hanukkah and Christmas, there is this possibility that these sales are not made in desperation. Maybe they are a gift. A second chance. A new start. A breath of life into a child and their family.

You deserve a bright and happy holiday celebration. I wish it and hope it for you. Here's to you and yours this holiday season and into the new year.

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Interested in purchasing the program? Please consider buying it from me. I use the commission they give to help off-set my son's sky high therapy costs. Call 1-866-620-1293 or click below.

Totally Used the Total Transformation Today

noreply@blogger.com (Christina Shaver) — Wed, 17 Dec 2008 02:34:00 +0000

I'm sure I looked like this woman at one point today, that point being the off-ramp of Lake Shore Drive at Fullerton Avenue in Chicago.

Evan was an absolute wreck today. It all started because some kid in his therapy group kept touching his hair today. He was pissed about it then, and took it home with him for the whole rest of the day. Lucky us, got to deal with the aftermath.

The fireworks didn't start until I was driving 15 miles an hour in a 40 mile an hour four lane divided highway, when it was snowing so thick you couldn't see sky, only snow. Because that's the safest place to have an all-out meltdown, right? On the highway? Yeah.

He kept dropping one of his toys, which he couldn't reach because he was buckled in his seat. I stopped picking it up for him because of the road conditions and the snow. And that's when everything within his reach started getting flung from the back seat of the car to the front.

Here I am trying to drive through thick snow and having projectiles hurled at me at the same time. It was coming down inside and out!

And then, Evan hits his younger brother who was not engaged in the meltdown at all. Poor little Tyler was just sitting there eating his french fries, and got clocked in the face. And then...then!...Tyler got my purse hurled at him.

Tyler was so upset at what was happening that he threw up! Yes, folks, this is my life as a mother. Driving in blizzard conditions with one child going ballistic that he couldn't reach a toy that fell on the floor and another child throwing up because of the stress of the situation...and I can't get off the road!

This particular road has no shoulder, so I couldn't pull over right away. And like I said, since we were going 15 in a 40, the length of time to the next exit seemed like an eternity.

But as soon as I got off, I used the Total Transformation Program like nobody's business. James Lehman says that if your kid if off the hook and you are in public (and he is old enough), leave him there and tell him to find his own way home. In doing so, you are not giving him the negative attention he wants.

My boy is only four, so leaving him somewhere would be considered child abuse in all fifty states. Obviously this technique wouldn't work for him. But I could figure out some other way to "stop the show," as James Lehman calls it.

Once I found a safe place to pull over, I told him to get out of the car with me and stand outside in the cold, snow while I cleaned-up Tyler.

Being removed from the vehicle was a huge wake-up call for Evan. He kept telling me that he was going to behave and that he wasn't mad anymore...until he kicked the car.

I told him that only kids who are behaving -- that means no screaming, no kicking, no hitting, no throwing -- are allowed in my car. And if he wasn't going to get it together he could walk all the way home.

"Do you want to walk home?" I asked. (Of course, I would never let him walk home, but he didn't know.)

"No. No! No! No!" he said.

"Fine. Then get back in my car and behave yourself."

I didn't hear a peep the rest of the hour long ride home.

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Interested in purchasing the program? Please consider buying it from me. I use the commission they give to help off-set my son's sky high therapy costs. Call 1-866-620-1293 or click below.

How to Keep the Peace at Home

noreply@blogger.com (Christina Shaver) — Mon, 08 Dec 2008 00:03:00 +0000

Remember that church song, "Let peace begin with me?" That's the simple answer in keeping the peace at home.

In the Total Transformation Program, James Lehman talks a lot about parents keeping their cool. Don't let your kid get the best of you -- that sort of thing. I would say that most every technique in the program is designed to give you control over a situation so that you don't lose it yourself.

I don't know about you, but it's like my "buttons" are hardwired in my son. He knows exactly which one to push and he knows how to get me to respond with drama. And sometimes when we're through, I see the wisdom in James's approach: the parents need a behavior program, too!

This is not to say that the kids aren't often the root cause of issues, but that as parents we can do a lot to either escalate a situation or diffuse it. And if we get sucked in, the likelihood of an outcome without fireworks is pretty slim.

It does feel a lot better to me when I'm able to rationally deal with my son then to act toward him with heated emotion. Even if I am able to put the brakes on my own temper -- and feel good about my ability to maintain calm -- when it's over, I instead feel this pent-up anger inside that didn't get burned.

How do I solve this? I've taken James Lehman's tips and techniques and use them to the best that I can to remain calm. But I also vocalize with words how upset and angry my son's behavior makes me. I do it in the moment -- and like I said, with words. Not yelling words or degrading words or insulting words. But with matter-of-fact words. Things like: "Your behavior is starting to tick me off," or "I love you, but I am super mad at you right now."

This seems to work really well. My son is usually pretty mad during these situations too -- so I'm not only doling out consequences left and right, but I'm also modeling how to express anger in a safe way.

It takes a lot of self-control, but isn't that what we're trying to teach our kids? If we can't do it, how can we expect them to?

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Interested in purchasing the program? Please consider buying it from me. I use the commission they give to help off-set my son's sky high therapy costs. Call 1-866-620-1293 or click below.

Total Transformation Review, Lesson Two

noreply@blogger.com (Christina Shaver) — Mon, 01 Dec 2008 01:54:00 +0000

This is a popular post from my now offline blog called Christina, Downloaded:

You're supposed to do one lesson per week in the Total Transformation Program. Since my last post weeks ago, I'm a bit behind schedule. But what's nice is that you can do things at your own pace, so when other things get in the way...in my case, school's out...you can pick up where you left off. More after the jump:

In the audio lesson James Lehman gives a list of ineffective parenting styles. Maybe it was my state of mind when I was listening to the CD, but I kept feeling worse and worse about myself as I listened. I fell into every single trap -- some more than others.

At the end, there was some re-assurance. He said something like "Remember, these are ineffective parenting styles -- not bad ones. These ineffective techniques may work with children who respond to discipline, but if you have a child who exhibits obnoxious behavior, you need to find something else."

I read just a little bit into the next chapter and see that he goes into what effective parenting styles are. So until then, it's my responsibility to get a good grasp on exactly what I'm doing wrong. In fact, the workbook exercises for the first part of the week want you to take notes of when you are using ineffective parenting techniques. At the back half of the week, the workbook exercises give you tips on how to curb your own behaviors.

So without further ado, here are my notes on the audio CD:

At the start of the lesson, James reminds us that you don't have the ideal child that you pictured and imagined. So you can't parent their child like an ideal child who responds to "good enough" parenting. You need to be better than good enough.

Basically, children train their parents to give in to them and follow certain roles. If you stand your ground, often times children will act out. So as a parent you have a choice, you can give in and avoid a conflict or you can stand your ground and deal with a crisis.

In public lots of parents "perform" for other people watching their child act out. You need to do what is right for your child and ignore whatever thoughts you have about those parents.

Over-negotiating is an ineffective parenting skill. This is a parent who makes an agreement with their child; the child challenges the already negotiated decision (either verbally or acting out), and the parent gives in.

Parents re-negotiate because they think that they just made the wrong contract. But the contract isn't going to do the job. What children learn from the constant negotiation is that commitments don't mean anything and they don't need to follow-through on anything. No doesn't really mean no; that now doesn't really mean now; that mow the lawn doesn't mean the whole lawn.

If you don't firmly direct a kid to do something, that kid thinks you don't believe in them. The underlying message is "mom thinks I really can't do this, so I must not be able to." [my quotes] They begin to lack confidence.

If you over-negotiate, the first thing you need to do is acknowledge it to yourself. But realize that getting rigid isn't the answer to over-negotiating. You need to tell your kid, "the next time we make a deal, I'm going to stick to it and you need to do the same."

You also need to set reasonable expectations.

Screamers. They do it because they're frustrated. But it's ineffective. Parents that scream don't help kids to change. After they scream, they feel bad for themselves. So they end up giving in to the child. Parents need to admit when they're wrong and move on. Don't get caught in your own emotion of feeling bad and sorry for screaming. Simply acknowledge that you did it; it was wrong and go back to the point: "I was wrong to scream. I'll try harder...and go right into...you were supposed to be home at 5."

Screaming tells the child that parent and child are emotional peers and that nobody is in control here.

You lose parental authority. Keeping calm as a parent is part of having power. You're saying I can't control the situation and I can't control myself.
Screamers should say we're going to talk about this in five minutes. And turn around and walk away. Don't let the kid suck you into the discussion.

Another ineffective parenting style is bottomless pockets, where you offer money or other rewards for good behavior. The thought is that if you give more reward, it will buy you control. Kids learn that you have to buy my compliance and that the only way he's going to deal with authority and be responsible is through a reward.

This is bribery.

Maybe these parents begin isolating their children. They stop going to visit relatives because the kid acts out. You stop seeing your friends. Your actions say that you would rather give up your friends and relatives than have your child act up with them.

If a grandparent or a divorce situation may pit them against you when it comes to rewards. If this is the situation, stand your ground. Let's say your kid gets a new bike which you don't think he deserves. If you complain about the bike, you're saying that you're powerless. What you can say is something like, "That's a nice bike but you can't use it around here unless your room is picked up." [my quotes]

The next ineffective parenting technique makes excuses for their child. He's acting inappropriate because he has ADHD or he's bi-polar or his teacher was truly being unfair.

I like the point he makes that you can't insulate your child from the injustices of life. But by letting your kid off the hook, you're saying that it's not his fault and therefore, he doesn't have any responsibility to change his inappropriate behavior or develop problem solving skills.

Parents who use the "savior" technique constantly protect their child from school discipline, the police or other authorities. They side with their child in spite of the facts and may even oppose the other parent. It is as though these parents think their child is beyond change, and they just need to do their best to protect them.

"The Martyr" takes this one step further and more than just protecting their child, actually takes on the child's responsibilities for them. Their expectations of the child is lowered and they fear their child will experience unhappiness or distress.
Both the savior and the martyr insulate their children from the natural consequences of their behavior. When kids fail it is a learning opportunity for them. This is an opportunity for you to teach them the skills they need to get up and be successful. Otherwise what they learn is that if they're helpless, someone else will take care of it.

The "perfectionist" parent can't tell you what the kid has done right. Their standards are impossibly high. They constantly compare their child to their idealized child or another good kid in the neighborhood. If a kid is proud of himself, they warn them for being cocky. This type of parent needs to be better than their child and puts them down.

What children learn is that they aren't good enough. They either give up or become over achievers. Children of perfectionist parents meet some else's needs and not their own. They come to believe that failure is expected.

The thing to remember is that these styles only become ineffective when the kid's behavior becomes inappropriate. They are ineffective parenting styles. Not bad parenting styles.

Deal with each kid as an individual. When that kid says it's not fair...I'm not comparing you to your brother...I'm comparing you to how well you could do if you put in the effort.

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I'd like to add here that the notes from these lessons are my own. They're what I'm taking from the Total Transformation program, but it is not a summary of the program. If you want to know more about it in-depth, I suggest you purchase it. Because everyone's different, you may focus on different parenting techniques than I would. What's nice about the program is that it presents a wide range.

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Interested in purchasing the program? Please consider buying it from me. I use the commission they give to help off-set my son's sky high therapy costs.

Here's the link: The Total Transformation Program. Or you can call 1-866-620-1293.

If your child has ADHD, you may want to check out the Total Focus. It's a resource similar to the Total Transformation but geared specifically for kids with ADHD. I'm reviewing that program at The Total Focus Review.

Marriage issues are common with couples who have children with behavior problems. Check out The Us Factor for confidential help.

20/20 Adoption Disruption Story

noreply@blogger.com (Christina Shaver) — Sat, 29 Nov 2008 04:07:00 +0000

Did you watch this story on 20/20 tonight? If you did and you can relate to it too, please get in touch with me. It was like I was watching my own life on TV.

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Interested in purchasing the program? Please consider buying it from me. I use the commission they give to help off-set my son's sky high therapy costs.

Here's the link: The Total Transformation Program. Or you can call 1-866-620-1293.

If your child has ADHD, you may want to check out the Total Focus. It's a resource similar to the Total Transformation but geared specifically for kids with ADHD. I'm reviewing that program at The Total Focus Review.

Marriage issues are common with couples who have children with behavior problems. Check out The Us Factor for confidential help.

Does Your Child's Behavior Put a Strain on Your Marriage?

noreply@blogger.com (Christina Shaver) — Fri, 28 Nov 2008 13:39:00 +0000

If you have a child with chronic behavior problems, my guess is yes. And guess what? I'm in the same boat.

We had a nice Thanksgiving get together yesterday, the explosion happened when we came home from my Aunt's house. Evan was spending time with my husband. They were watching football together.

Only, I'm not sure how much football my husband was actually able to watch, given that Evan was generally trying to increase the decibel level in the room. I'm not sure exactly how many times I heard, "A little quieter, buddy," but I'm sure by the four hundredth time, the whole interaction started grating on me, too.

My husband works like a dog to make sure Evan behaves, but he hasn't listened to the Total Transformation Program. So he sometimes uses ineffective parenting techniques like, "A little quieter, buddy." After three hours of a football game, it should be apparent that "A little quieter, buddy" doesn't work and isn't going to work.

That couldn't have been enjoyable for either one of them.

James Lehman, the author of the Total Transformation Program, would probably advise that rather then telling my son to be a little quieter, he should tell him to stop. And if my son didn't follow the directions, there should be a consequence for it.

When the game was done -- and here's where the strain on the marriage comes from -- I entered the scene. I held Evan to the line on things he had been getting away with for the previous three hours plus.

I told Evan what to do, and if he didn't listen to me, there was a consequence. He didn't listen to me several times, so there were consequences piled on top of consequences. Evan became explosive -- screaming, kicking, throwing hard things across our living room, hitting me -- but I continued to hold the line.

In the midst of getting Evan to pick up all the jigsaw puzzle pieces he scattered everywhere in one of his more dramatic throwing incidents, my husband came into the room, screaming at me. "Just let me handle him! You're escalating everything!"

But I knew that if I let my husband handle things, Evan would get his way so that there wouldn't be this scene. I also knew I wasn't escalating things. Evan was making poor choices and I was responding with an equally poor consequence. If my son chose to make good choices, things would be different.

In the end -- after Evan cleaned up the entire living room, ate his dinner, and showered against his will -- Evan started getting the message that I would not back down to him, no matter how much he escalated things.

I talked with Evan last night about consequences. There are three kinds: good consequences, bad consequences and natural consequences. Good consequences happen when he does good things. Bad consequences happen when he does bad things. And natural consequences happen when he doesn't pay attention -- like when he needed 25 stitches in his fingertip the day he "clicked" his finger in his brother's stroller.

Evan asked me to repeat the idea of consequences several times, and though I was doing it for his benefit, I also did it for my husband. If he's not going to listen to the Total Transformation Program, I might as well teach what I can.

(By the way, I just want to say that I don't blame him for not listening to it. He owns his own business and works so hard for our family. In the few moments he has free during a day, I think he'd rather watch sports and wind down. I don't hold it against him.)

Anyway, long story longer, I think it's hard when my husband and I aren't on the same page when it comes to parenting. And I do think that if we didn't constantly deal with another person who can cause such chaos in our house, that my relationship with my husband wouldn't be nearly so full of conflict. But we love each other, and we get through.

It's made me interested in picking up The Us Factor, though. Someday, when I have time, I think I'll give it a whirl.

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Interested in purchasing the program? Please consider buying it from me. I use the commission they give to help off-set my son's sky high therapy costs.

Here's the link: The Total Transformation Program. Or you can call 1-866-620-1293.

If your child has ADHD, you may want to check out the Total Focus. It's a resource similar to the Total Transformation but geared specifically for kids with ADHD. I'm reviewing that program at The Total Focus Review.

Happy? Thanksgiving!

noreply@blogger.com (Christina Shaver) — Thu, 27 Nov 2008 21:42:00 +0000

I've been selling the Total Transformation Program for about a year or so, and I always get a sale or two on a holiday. The Mother's Day and Father's Day sales burn me up the most, because here are days that should be about making parents feel good and they end up searching to extinguish their kids behavior problems.

The holidays are tough enough for "typical" kids and families as it is. It's bad enough to deal with Aunt Belinda's nit-picking or the dog whose owner insists the pooch is "only being friendly." Add in a child with behavioral issues, and it brings a whole new meaning to stress at the holidays.

As a parent, you're tip-toeing around your extended family, shooting glances and doing what you can to keep your kids in line while not looking like a jerk in front of everyone else.

On top of the turkey and pumpkin pie, you're apt to get served some unwanted parenting advice, "C'mon Jane. Leave Jimmy alone. It's Thanksgiving!" So now you're not only dealing with your son's obnoxious or rude behavior, you're also dealing with your own response to someone who has not walked a day in your shoes.

And the whole time, do you know what you want? A nice meal and some time to look around the room and truly give thanks. For once, you'd like to actually sit back and enjoy the holiday.

Believe me, I know why I get a spike in sales on holidays. I've been exactly there.

And if you happen to be the person buying from me this week, I'll be thinking of you.

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Interested in purchasing the program? Please consider buying it from me. I use the commission they give to help off-set my son's sky high therapy costs.

Here's the link: The Total Transformation Program. Or you can call 1-866-620-1293.

If your child has ADHD, you may want to check out the Total Focus. It's a resource similar to the Total Transformation but geared specifically for kids with ADHD. I'm reviewing that program at The Total Focus Review.

Does the Total Transformation Help Kids with Autism?

noreply@blogger.com (Christina Shaver) — Tue, 25 Nov 2008 16:52:00 +0000

So you know where I'm coming from: My son was diagnosed with PDD-NOS when he was four, and it has been suspected since he was about two. Like other kids with PDD-NOS, he doesn't really have all the symptoms for any one type of Autism.

Evan also has lots of other things going on including diagnosed anxiety that can put him in a psychotic state, ADHD, sensory processing disorder, and something else that I think I'm forgetting. Too many labels.

He's got behavior problems all across the board, and the Total Transformation Program has helped us to eliminate or greatly reduce a lot of issues. Evan can go from frustrated to full-on rage in a split second. When he's enraged (or psychotic, as one of his therapists calls it), there's not a lot you can do to get to him.

But if we're able to catch him in that little, finite window on the border, the Total Transformation does wonders. It really has been a key element in keeping our household a lot calmer.

One of the major points of the program is that kids display obnoxious behaviors when they are confronted with a problem that they can't solve. So, you as a parent, need to become a coach, and perhaps sternly with a lot of positive incentives "coach" that child to the right solution.

Where this behavioral philosophy breaks down is when the parent doesn't know the solution to the problem, either. As was my case this morning when Evan had an all out conniption when I asked him to do what he does every single morning -- go to the bathroom, wash his hands, brush teeth, and wash his face.

He was so mad that I stopped his TV show to go do it, that he threw a hissy fit in the bathroom. He was holding two cooking utensils -- his idea of toys -- and I took them away from him. I told him he could get it back once he did what I asked and behaved the right way while doing so.

And this is where the autism piece comes in -- he got stuck. He got stuck in the fact that he wanted the utensils back. He couldn't focus on anything else except the black spatula and ladel were gone. He must have said that he wanted them back a hundred times, and just could not turn his brain "off" on that topic to focus on the task at hand.

He finally peed, which seemed to settle him down. But immediately after peeing, he proclaimed like a broken record that he wanted water. All though the hand washing, the teeth brushing, the face washing, "I want water! I want water! I want water!" This, at the top of his lungs, while stomping his feet, slamming the medicine cabinet, and falling on the floor.

I was calm at that moment and could see what was happening. But I'm completely at a loss as to how to coach him out of what looks to me as a neurological brain-stuck-in-a-loop groove. I would be happy to coach him out of that, happy to. I just don't know how.

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Interested in purchasing the program? Please consider buying it from me. I use the commission they give to help off-set my son's sky high therapy costs.

Here's the link: The Total Transformation Program. Or you can call 1-866-620-1293.

If your child has ADHD, you may want to check out the Total Focus. It's a resource similar to the Total Transformation but geared specifically for kids with ADHD. I'm reviewing that program at The Total Focus Review.

It's Official. I'm Stressed.

noreply@blogger.com (Christina Shaver) — Sat, 22 Nov 2008 13:40:00 +0000

In case my last post didn't sound like a bleeding heart, my body has now told me that I'm officially stressed.

A few hours after writing that post, I developed shingles. Shingles is the same virus that causes chickenpox. If you've had chickenpox as a child, then it is possible for you to get shingles as an adult if you are stressed out.

My husband was out of town for most of last week, and it was then that I decided to re-do our bedroom -- as a surprise for him. Probably not good timing, considering Evan's meds weren't exactly right and I was additionally dealing with his growing aggressiveness.

But if you've got a child with behavior issues, can't you take any time to do something that you would like to for yourself? As luck would have it, the one time I wanted to do something for me, I get so stressed doing so, that I get shingles.

We did Early Intervention with my son. I remember telling one of the therapists who came to our house that I could no longer go to the grocery store without him screaming his lungs out the whole time. You know what the therapist told me? Then don't go to the grocery store!

Um. Okay. So then how exactly are we going to eat? You can't stop living life because a child has behavior problems, right? Right???

I can't be the only one who feels like this. I hope I'm not.

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Interested in purchasing the program? Please consider buying it from me. I use the commission they give to help off-set my son's sky high therapy costs.

Here's the link: The Total Transformation Program. Or you can call 1-866-620-1293.

If your child has ADHD, you may want to check out the Total Focus. It's a resource similar to the Total Transformation but geared specifically for kids with ADHD. I'm reviewing that program at The Total Focus Review.

Down in the Dumps and Looking for Help

noreply@blogger.com (Christina Shaver) — Fri, 21 Nov 2008 01:50:00 +0000

I usually don't open up the comments here, but I will for this post because I'm looking for some support from other parents who know what it's like raising difficult kids.

I'm feeling like my world has shrunk to child-rearing and therapy appointments. I shuffle kids back and forth all day long, and spend the fits and starts of extra time either doing our daily domestic chores or finding some solace somewhere online. (The online thing never really does it for me, by the way, but I keep returning thinking that maybe I just haven't found the right site.)

I had all these hopes for who I would be as a person, as a parent, as a partner in my relationship. Somewhere along the line I've lost "me." And now, I just live in this little hole in the world and flit back and forth to it hoping that someday things will change for the better.

Has anybody out there felt the same way? What did you do about it?
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Interested in purchasing the program? Please consider buying it from me. I use the commission they give to help off-set my son's sky high therapy costs.

Here's the link: The Total Transformation Program. Or you can call 1-866-620-1293.

If your child has ADHD, you may want to check out the Total Focus. It's a resource similar to the Total Transformation but geared specifically for kids with ADHD. I'm reviewing that program at The Total Focus Review.

"Behavioral Approach Escalated Situation"

noreply@blogger.com (Christina Shaver) — Fri, 21 Nov 2008 01:17:00 +0000

That's what one of the write ups from my son's occupational therapist said. When setting limits with my son, he would act out even further.

It was one of the clues that we needed to adjust his medications. Overhaul is probably the better word -- overhaul his medications. We've upped his Ritalin and Seroquel. We're going to try Depakote again once we've leveled off on the Seroquel.

Things are getting better here now, so I hopefully will be able to post again more regularly.
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Interested in purchasing the program? Please consider buying it from me. I use the commission they give to help off-set my son's sky high therapy costs.

Here's the link: The Total Transformation Program. Or you can call 1-866-620-1293.

If your child has ADHD, you may want to check out the Total Focus. It's a resource similar to the Total Transformation but geared specifically for kids with ADHD. I'm reviewing that program at The Total Focus Review.

Behavior vs. Psychology and Where Neurology Fits

noreply@blogger.com (Christina Shaver) — Mon, 17 Nov 2008 22:34:00 +0000

My son's behavioral issues have been flaring up again. He's had a blow-out every day for the past week, and it has been a challenge.

A couple of days ago he managed to put to gashes in our living room wall as he hurtled one of those supposedly unbreakable bowls against it.

I have been indeed setting limits and sticking to them, as directed by the Total Transformation Program. I know what I need to do in these cases and feel well equipped. At the same time, what's difficult for me is that I know my son's actions are not entirely within his control to control.

Which brings me to my question: can you separate behavior from psychology?

Behaviorists, like James Lehman and his Total Transformation Program, focus on extinguishing a person's outward behaviors. They don't really care why a person behaves a certain way. They are solely concerned with stopping whatever is considered wrong.

Psychologists take things a level deeper -- they want to know why a certain behavior happens. They attack behavioral issues by getting under it and rooting out the why.

James Lehman says plain and simple in one of the lessons that "You can't feel your way to better behaviors, but you can behave your way to better feelings."

It sounds nice, but I don't buy it 100 percent. I think there is an exception. That exception being that if someone has neurological issues, no amount of behavior training is going to completely fix a haywire brain. I guess in that same breath, I could also say that in neurological cases, no amount of psychological work is going to completely fix a haywire brain.

Enter medicine.

There is a huge case for medicine. It can make the difference of someone being "available" for behavioral training or psychological therapy and that person being somewhere else.

In my household this past week, it has come to my attention in quite violent and dramatic ways, that my son's medicinal needs are currently at the forefront. Like I said, I've been using the Total Transformation Program's techniques in limit setting whenever I can. It has given me the confidence to handle a situation with a belligerent and outraged child. At the same time, though, it's not the only answer.

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Interested in purchasing the program? Please consider buying it from me. I use the commission they give to help off-set my son's sky high therapy costs.

Here's the link: The Total Transformation Program. Or you can call 1-866-620-1293.

If your child has ADHD, you may want to check out the Total Focus. It's a resource similar to the Total Transformation but geared specifically for kids with ADHD. I'm reviewing that program at The Total Focus Review.

James Lehman: Hot or Not?

noreply@blogger.com (Christina Shaver) — Sat, 08 Nov 2008 20:55:00 +0000

Looks like the Total Transformation Program has started airing commercials, which means that James Lehman's face is out there. There are a ton of blogs ragging on the guy because of the way he looks.

Does it really matter what the guy looks like? Seriously people. Get a life and I want the time back that I spent reading your blogs!

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Interested in purchasing the program? Please consider buying it from me. I use the commission they give to help off-set my son's sky high therapy costs.

Here's the link: The Total Transformation Program. Or you can call 1-866-620-1293.

If your child has ADHD, you may want to check out the Total Focus. It's a resource similar to the Total Transformation but geared specifically for kids with ADHD. I'm reviewing that program at The Total Focus Review.

Eliminate “Shut up!” from Your Family’s Vocabulary

noreply@blogger.com (Christina Shaver) — Sat, 08 Nov 2008 20:36:00 +0000

by James Lehman

For many families, the "shut up" response is an "A-side/B-side" issue. Here, James Lehman MSW tackles the problem from both perspectives, and shows you how to eliminate it from your family's vocabulary.

“Shut up!” What to do when your child says it to you:

If your child tells you to shut up, the best thing to do is not give it power. And by arguing, talking and fighting back, you’re giving it power. Instead, the next time it happens, try saying, “Don’t talk to me that way, I don’t like it,” and turn around and leave the room. When things have calmed down, tell your child what the consequence is for his or her rude behavior.

And by the way, there should be regular consequences in the house for things like cursing, name calling, and rude behavior. They should be functional consequences, like “No cell phone for 24 hours.” That way, kids know what will happen if they break the rules, and you don’t have to repeat it every time. So you don’t have to fight with them, just use the consequences that you think would be most effective with your child, whether it’s no video games for 24 hours, or taking away their cell phone for a day.

"Shut up!” Why you should never say it to your child:

On the other hand, do you ever find yourself saying, “Just shut up and do it!” to your child? Parents tell kids to shut up for a variety of reasons. But ultimately, it’s to exert their control over the conversation. Sometimes they want backtalk to stop, sometimes they want complaining to stop, and sometimes they’re just tired of listening to their child. No matter what the context, saying “Shut up” is rarely helpful and never appropriate. It begins a power struggle which the child may not be willing to lose. Remember, there are many things to fight about with children; this shouldn’t be one of them.

The reality is that “shut up” is a rude, offensive comment. Kids learn that fact very early through various channels, from movies, music, school and TV. So when you’re saying “Shut up” to a child, they know they’re being insulted. And the last thing you want is teach your child how to say “shut up” to you or anyone else.

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Interested in purchasing the program? Please consider buying it from me. I use the commission they give to help off-set my son's sky high therapy costs.

Here's the link: The Total Transformation Program. Or you can call 1-866-620-1293.

If your child has ADHD, you may want to check out the Total Focus. It's a resource similar to the Total Transformation but geared specifically for kids with ADHD. I'm reviewing that program at The Total Focus Review.

Day Off

noreply@blogger.com (Christina Shaver) — Thu, 30 Oct 2008 17:13:00 +0000

I won't post about the Total Transformation today. Too much going on in my personal life. I'm taking Evan to get an EKG and echocardiogram in a couple of minutes. If you're a praying type person, please say a prayer for him.

I don't expect anything to be there -- I'm doing it because he has been taking ADHD meds so long and he is so young, that I just want to be sure his heart's okay -- but any test always creates anxiety.

I'll definitely post an update on how it goes.

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Interested in purchasing the program? Please consider buying it from me. I use the commission they give to help off-set my son's sky high therapy costs.

Here's the link: The Total Transformation Program. Or you can call 1-866-620-1293.

If your child has ADHD, you may want to check out the Total Focus. It's a resource similar to the Total Transformation but geared specifically for kids with ADHD. I'm reviewing that program at The Total Focus Review.

Should I medicate my child with ADHD?

noreply@blogger.com (Christina Shaver) — Wed, 29 Oct 2008 21:45:00 +0000

Maybe I have PMS, but I ran across a post like this on one of the message boards I frequent. The question got under my skin.

Kids with ADHD -- who truly have ADHD and not behaviors that look like ADHD but are really something else -- have something wrong with their brain. It's neurological. Medications address the neurological issues. Use them.

If your child had chronic, migraine headaches that were incurable unless you gave them something for it, wouldn't you give your child that medicine? If your child had cancer, wouldn't you give that child medicine?

You may scoff at me for bringing up something so life-threatening as cancer, but I'm bringing it up!

There was a time in my life that I truly thought my son's life truly was in danger. He had absolutely no impulse control, didn't listen to me, and was physically faster than I could handle. The thought that he could one day run out into the street (we live in downtown Chicago, not quiet suburbs) or that he would be unaware on the playground and literally snap his neck, were fears that I imagined as I fell asleep at night.

Have trouble believing me? Here's a picture of the finger tip he damn near severed off in a moment of impulsiveness:

Maybe you've never been there -- fearing for your child's life -- but I have been there. And medication was the solution. Not the only solution, but certainly a large part of it.

I say part of the solution because before the ADHD medications, my son was quite literally unavailable for any kind of parenting or therapy. You could institute boundaries and limits up the wazoo. I tried everything from yelling at him at the top of my lungs in the angriest voice I have -- to the point that I scared even myself -- to whispering at him in the sweetest, most loving voice. I took away favorite toys. I took away TV. I gave him sitting minutes. Nothing worked before medication.

After medication, I saw that I was getting to him. I also saw that after reading damn near every book on parenting they sell at my local bookstore -- many with conflicting information -- I realized that I needed to find a program that I believed in and that I could stick to.

Then I heard an ad for The Total Transformation on the radio. After having tried literally everything -- and when I say everything, at this point we were in weekly family therapy and my son was attending psychotherapy 15 hours a week! -- I decided to buy the program right then and there.

It was the best decision I have ever made.

I could listen to the audio tapes in the car while driving my kids back and forth to school and therapy, running errands. I downloaded the audio tapes to my iPod, and listened at night before I went to bed. In fact, I still listen to the audio tapes. And even though I've listened to a particular CD a dozen times, there is always something different that speaks to me. They are chalk full of helpful, useful, practical information that you can implement right now, today.

Now that Evan is available and able to slow down to listen to me, he gets it. He understands that every behavior has a consequence -- either a natural one like getting hit by a car if you run in the street at the wrong time, or an imposed one like losing priveliges. He understands that making good choices makes his whole world a better place.

At the same time, I have a ton of confidence in the parenting decisions I make for my son. I don't waffle about deciding whether to count to three or put him straight to a sitting minute (like one of the books I read suggested). I don't question myself later. In fact, The Total Transformation Program has made me feel good about myself.

I can do this. Parenting Evan has definitely been the hardest undertaking in my whole life -- by miles and miles and miles -- but it is also something I know I can do. And honestly, I have The Total Transformation Program, in part, to thank for that.

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Interested in purchasing the program? Here's the link: The Total Transformation Program

If your child has ADHD, you may want to check out the Total Focus. It's a resource similar to the Total Transformation but geared specifically for kids with ADHD. I'm reviewing that program at The Total Focus Review.

Behavior Problems with Adoption and Foster Care

noreply@blogger.com (Christina Shaver) — Tue, 28 Oct 2008 15:39:00 +0000

How many people write blogs these days? Seems like millions. I love them.

A few blogs I read are about foster families who have upwards of 15 kids at home. Fifteen kids! Most every one of these homes have children with behavior problems -- problems to a magnitude I can't personally fathom.

On one of the sites, recently, a foster mother was recounting that she needed to basically tell the courts that she was an unfit parent so that her foster child could get residential treatment at a facility paid for by the state. The state would only take in children whose parents were unfit.

Her problem, being a foster parent of several children, is that her local police authority had on record several instances of another child of her running away from home. She dutifully reported to the police each time the child ran away, even though the foster mother knew her child would return in a few days. This particular child would run away because the mother was too strict and didn't allow her to do drugs, break curfew or have sex.

And then there was the problem of one of her foster kids having an absolute temper tantrum, and pulling down every book from the bookshelf that literally lined one of her walls and was full of books. While she and her husband were at work, the kids thought it would be funny to prank 911, at which point the cops came to find a bunch of kids in the house with no parent and a zillion books on her living room floor.

So anyway, in telling the court that she was an unfit parent, they of course would look back at her records and see all these police reports. She is providing a better home than these kids would have somewhere in an institution, and by trying to do good, she could also be getting screwed for it.

I can't begin to imagine what it would be like raising 15 kids. My two are more than plenty for me to handle. But I can't help reading her blog and wondering if she's tried the Total Transformation Program. My guess is not.

What I find really compelling about the Total Transformation Program is that its author, James Lehman, was a foster child himself. So here's a guy who's speaking from experience of being ripped apart from his biological ties and dropped in a completely different setting. He's also a guy who has himself spent time in jail. He knows how bad it can get.

I've got to say that I really respect him for what he's accomplished. For turning his life around. Not only turning his life around, but giving people the tools to help them turn their lives around. And not doing it on a small scale, but doing it loud -- on the radio, online, anywhere he can. I'm sure he makes a pretty penny from The Total Transformation, but in my mind, he's earned every single cent the hard way.

I wonder about adoption, too. This I can speak from my own experience as an adoptive mother. Would things be easier for me to swallow if I knew my son's behavior was like Uncle Ned's and look at how Uncle Ned turned out! He's doing just fine. Or if his behavior was like Uncle Larry, who spent some time behind bars himself, so I better do things now to change my son's path.

Part of me also wonders if nearly every adopted child goes through a period of bad behavior. Maybe sometimes even a long period of bad behavior. Coming to terms with the fact that you are no longer with your biological family for whatever reason and now with some, seemingly random, adoptive family has got to be a tough psychological and emotional journey.

True, people go on that journey all the time. But that doesn't make it easy.

I've been thinking a lot about how behavior ties into adoption and foster care. If you are involved with adoption or foster care, I'd love to hear your take.

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Interested in purchasing the program? Please consider buying it from me. I use the commission they give to help off-set my son's sky high therapy costs. Here's the link: The Total Transformation Program

If your child has ADHD, you may want to check out the Total Focus. It's a resource similar to the Total Transformation but geared specifically for kids with ADHD. I'm reviewing that program at The Total Focus Review.

Reader Question: Does the Total Transformation address issues with siblings and sibling rivalry?

noreply@blogger.com (Christina Shaver) — Sun, 26 Oct 2008 21:58:00 +0000

First off, let's just recognize that as long as there are siblings in the world, there will be rivalry. Sibling rivalry is not something that is ever going to go away. So if you're looking for a "magic bullet" for this, I hate to be the bearer of bad tidings, but it ain't out there.

Even still, there are things that parents can do to help redirect their children to have healthier interactions with each other.

The Total Transformation Program can definitely help where sibling rivalry is concerned, though I have to say that I can't off the top of my head remember anything in the program that addresses it specifically.

The truth is, the Total Transformation Program doesn't answer any situation specifically. What works for one kid, may not work for somebody else. The reason why a kid acts out in one family maybe completely different than what a kid in another family acts out.

The beauty of the Total Transformation Program is that it is flexible enough to adapt to pretty much any behavioral situation. James Lehman presents a wide variety of tools and techniques that can be used by themselves or put together to help a parent gain control over interaction between siblings.

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Interested in purchasing the program? Please consider buying it from me. I use the commission they give to help off-set my son's sky high therapy costs. Here's the link: The Total Transformation Program

...and Walk Away

noreply@blogger.com (Christina Shaver) — Wed, 22 Oct 2008 21:19:00 +0000

If you know your child is misbehaving to get attention, James Lehman's advice is to express your displeasure and walk away. I am doing that right now. Right as "we speak."

Evan was all bent out of shape because I let his brother choose the DVD to watch in the car.

I told Evan that if he could keep it together for the car ride home, he could watch the DVD he wanted at home.

Evan was pretty upset still, pounding his fists on his chair. Not screaming, but making growling noises. I decided to not give the pounding or the every-so-often growl my attention.

Then the phone rang. It was my doctor. As I spoke with the doctor, Evan started whipping things at me while I was driving. Toys, headphones, his cup of water. Anything he could find. I told the doctor I had to go, and I pulled off the road.

I took every possible projectile I could find from the back and then, in a moment of anger, destroyed his DVD. Sorry James. Couldn't pull the cool as a cucumber technique then. But I am trying now.

Speaking of now, now we are at home and the child is screaming his head off about how "It's not fair!" I think I've heard this at least a hundred times in the past hour.

I am writing this post in an effort to cool down and "walk away." Once Evan settles, I will talk with him calmly. And I'm going to also write down what I want to say first. That's another tip that James Lehman presents. Write it down, gather your thoughts. Be matter-of-fact, not emotional in these situations.

Parenting a kid like Evan is tough. I know if you're at this site right now, you understand.

In moments like these, when you feel so alone and somewhat terrorized by your own child, it's nice to know I have some techniques from the Total Transformation in my back pocket.

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Interested in purchasing the program? Please consider buying it from me. I use the commission they give to help off-set my son's sky high therapy costs. Here's the link: The Total Transformation Program

Hopeful Parents

noreply@blogger.com (Christina Shaver) — Tue, 21 Oct 2008 22:52:00 +0000

As if I didn't have enough going on in my life, I've started a discussion site at Hopeful Parents. It's a place for parents who have children with social, emotional and behavioral problems to connect.

It is a password protected site so that the conversations are not available to just anyone cruising the web.

If you are interested in joining the discussion, please e-mail me what you'd like your login name to be, and I will send you a password that you can change later.

Thanks!

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Interested in purchasing the program? Please consider buying it from me. I use the commission they give to help off-set my son's sky high therapy costs. Here's the link: The Total Transformation Program

Lull

noreply@blogger.com (Christina Shaver) — Mon, 20 Oct 2008 23:04:00 +0000

Evan had seizure on Saturday. About two years ago we suspected that he may have epilepsy, though he had never had a seizure. So it has always been a possibility but we haven't thought much about it if at all recently.

So please excuse me in advance for the lack of some posting. We have an EEG and neurologist meeting tomorrow, and I'm just a bit out of sorts right now.

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Interested in purchasing the Total Transformation? Please consider buying it from me. I use the commission they give to help off-set my son's sky high therapy costs. Here's the link: The Total Transformation Program