Totally Tammy

Achilles' Heel

2012-01-05T13:34:00.007-05:00

I’m nervous. Very.

Where is my confidence? Where did it go? I swear it was just here a second ago. Or was I just mesmerized by its silhouette? I am at the point of my life where I am standing on my tippy-toes, knees bent, ready to leap in the deep sea of writing, and release my first book, Snow Angels. A memoir of my life. A mystery of God’s power and mercy. A true story of my boyfriend’s battle against brain cancer. What a risk, huh?

Who am I kidding? Can I really do this? Who would really do this? These questions are circling through my brain every.single.day. It’s only a matter of time when I ….

My book, Snow Angels, is my baby. It encompasses the recipe of two souls conjoining together. Creating a masterpiece. A work of art that I am truthfully terrified of liberating to the public. Don't get it twisted. This book means so much to me. Each chapter embraces a special ambiance of the recollection of my memories within the last years.

But my question is why I am so nervous? Am I really that dangerously in love with my book that it would leave me feeling so weak and insecure in expressing my true feelings to the world? I wonder if every writer goes through this phase when preparing to give birth to their new sculpture of words. Since July 2011, I have carved the ins and outs of the earliest forms of my novel. I documented those special moments and private prayers that Reginald and I clinched upon and they have manifested into the existence of my book characters, Aubry and Charles and their unconditional love.

According to Oprah, “Whatever you fear most has no power; it is your fear that has the power.” Maybe I just need to get over it, face my fear and let go. Release.

I need to.

I need to show the world that cancer is NOT a death sentence. I need to show the world that love can transpire in people that you would lease expect it. I need to show the world my testimony of what God can do for His people. Cancer handpicks its “victims”. But God always fight back. And win.

Perhaps, I am not nervous. Maybe I am just darn selfish. Whatever it is, I am determined to break up with my love and give the world a piece of my heart. Regardless, I need to learn that I must focus my innermost energies on lessening any constraints that I may face so that I can feel that inconceivable sagacity of power and confidence that bestows before me.

I must validate myself. I am not ~~weak~~. I am a writer. And thee author of Snow Angels. Be prepared to witness.

Little Girl

2012-01-03T19:39:00.012-05:00

As a little girl, I daydreamed endlessly on how my life would become in the future. By no means had I ever thought that I would be a writer. I forever believed that I would be a doctor. I remember one Christmas, my father gave me a doctor play kit. I'm sure he’d wished he saved the receipt because I demanded his tiresome presence in my office almost every day after work. As my fascinations with remedies ripened, I became determined to be a “baby doctor.”

I never thought that I would want to be a writer. As age 5, I was tested; I could ready exceptionally fast at such a young age. And comprehend what I have read. Little did I know, words were conquering my soul. As I continue to grow, my love for writing did. But it was disguised. I pretended to dread assignments that involved essays, hiding my true passion away from the other kids. In the 6th grade, the entire class was assigned a story to write that was due at the end of every single month. And every single month, I received an A+. My stories were wild and enchanting. Who knew such a young mind could construct such enchantment. So rich. So delicious. Every single word was mine. But the thought of being a writer was disposed quickly...

I still wanted to be doctor. Until I was asked to join the student newspaper in high school, my life changed. My fellow classmates treasured the tang of my words. I was simply happy. And I still am. (Honestly, my medical days were demolished when my gross advanced science class visited The University of Michigan and I was THE ONLY ONE who was seconds from passing out unto the marbled floors while reviewing cadavers. Disgusting. The doctors made me sit outside for the remainder of the field trip. Sad.) That dream flew away anxiously and died.

Today, I feel every touch of my words. And I hope that the world does too. I am interested to see where my writing takes me. Writing erases the pain that my mind witnesses; my words hug me when I am lonely. The scars will always be there. But musing always helps bring cheerfulness and glitzy glee into my life. I may not be a doctor, but I hope to heal my readers with my words. Hence, the birth of my first book, Snow Angels. Will you witness? Stay tuned.

New Year: Same Me

2012-01-02T17:34:00.008-05:00

Oh, 2012,

Unlike most folks, there is not going to be a "new me."

I adore the old me. Matter of fact, I will always be me. My life is just starting to unfold. Not too shabby.

Sure, laces of changes will be sewed in the dotted lines of my life along with stitches of restoration. But I love who I am. The year 2011 helped me discover the woman I am and I pray that this new year welcomes me with the most scrumptious bundles of life lessons.

Ringing in the new year with The Honey, I ultimately realized that I've found the rest of my life. I strongly believe that there is no need to be a "new Tammy". Why should I do that? I plan to continue to live my life to the best of my ability unashamedly. Continue to listen to the fanciful whispers of my Savior. Continue to kiss the knotty past goodbye. Continue to allow my fears to fly away as I walk through the wilderness. Continue to forgive myself in upcoming wrecks of calamity. Continue to practice my writing and building the courage to tell the world my stories. I promise, they are worth waiting for. And essentially, I will continue to believe in the magic of true love, no matter how crazy how it sounds. Most of all, I will continue to give myself away to my awesome God.

See, there is no reason to change. I am just fine.

Truly Tammy J.

First Kiss

2011-12-05T23:31:00.009-05:00

Aubry
"Hahaha, silly goose!"

I haven't laughed for days. And this feels so good. I feel like I've been sitting in the ICU forever. But it has only been seventeen minutes. And traces of those unsettling emotions snuck away. I quickly rewound our conversation in my head. Charles and I simply love talking to each other. About everything. And anything. But all my mind can think of is the tumor. What if the doctors can't remove the tumor? What if the tumor is cancerous? Why Charles? Why him, God? What if his brother didn't call me? What if I never came down to the hospital? Everything was fine until this happened.

"Well, I guess, it's time for us to head back to my car. Visiting hours end in like three minutes." I try to say as breezily as I could to get my mind off the tumor.

"I wish you could stay with me."

I look at Charles. He looks so mellow and quiet. No anxiety. Our conversation rattles me, leaving curiosity of my nightmares coming true. Will Charles die? I tally up all the reasons why I should stay a few more minutes. But I need to go get my car. Thank goodness D came with me, so I don't have to be alone heading home in the rain. I command myself that I need to let this sick man get his rest, even though my first instinct is to stay with him for the rest of the night. So he knows that someone is here for him. In case, he gets scared. I just don't want to leave him alone.

My heart is thudding again. I wonder what Charles is thinking. Or is he thinking at all?

"I wish I could, but be strong. I will be here after your surgery. I promise."

"Good."

"Yes, good."

"Look, it's snowing."

I turn in my seat and look out the window and watch gentle snowflakes fall from the weary skies gracefully. I pray to God that His angels are coming to watch Charles, enfolding their silent wings around him through this dark night.

Standing up from chair, I stretch and put my coat back on, ignoring the knots of fear twisting in my heart. I slowly walk up to his bed and pull the white covers over him like a child. As I button up my pea coat, I lean down, so closely that I could smell his dewy skin. I softly plant a kiss on his forehead where the tumor hides. Lifting my head up, I gaze into the warmest brown eyes I have ever seen in my entire life. I miss looking into those eyes. His eyes feast upon mine. Words scramble through the maze inside my brain. I just don't know what more to say before I leave him. No words could come out. Feelings of pain, fear, melancholy, and anticipation are disappearing. I feel nothing, but peace. I can't pull away. The frustrating noises of the hospital then vanishes and leaves us behind. Our faces tilt towards each other very slowly. Nose to nose. His top lip grazes my bottom lip. Our lips parting, touching. We both hold perfectly still, listening to ourselves breathing together.

This is it.
Seconds that blissfully lead to the inevitable, the unthinkable, the first magical kiss of many.

Mesmerized, I roll away from the side of Charles' bed with a smile.
Everything will be alright.
Time to go.

Charles Sneak Peek

2011-12-04T20:16:00.004-05:00

Charles

Vomiting.

Loss of appetite.

Godawful headaches.

Memory loss.

No desire to live.

What is wrong with me?

I don't feel right.

The doctors here at Henry Ford Hospital are trying to figure out what is wrong with me. They keep walking in and out of the room. They can't seem to pinpoint why I am so nauseated nor can they break down why I am having these terrible headaches regularly. They keep looking at me, nodding their heads. Holding closely to plastic folders, they are constantly whispering to each other then looking at me. What are they talking about? Man, I am nervous. But I don't want to be. I just can't be. I came in for them to check out my heart. But I am sure my heart is fine. I just have the Flu.
Watch.

"Mr. Jackson."

"Yes?"

"You and your mother should have a seat. We ran some tests and the results are in."

"Uh, alright."

Mama and I look at each other as we slowly sit down in front of the doctors.

"Your blood tests came back negative. But we found the problem."

"Oh ok, good."

I look at my mother and she is biting her top lip, staring at the doctor's mouth. Maybe she is praying that he says I have the Flu too.

"Charles, we found a tumor."

"A tumor, huh? Are you sure?"

"Yes, a tumor is growing in the left side of your brain."

"Uhhhh.... that is very weird. How did I get a tumor?"

"We are not sure. But, the tumor links with the bad headaches, vomiting and caused memory loss. The excoriating pain comes from the pressure. And it's constantly pressing against your brain tissue."

"Ok, well, ok, what medicine do I need to take?"

"Charles, medicine will not suffice. Medicine will not kill this tumor. Surgery is needed. We have to take it out. Immediately. Because of its size and location in the brain tissue, surgery is critical. If you came in three days later, you would have probably slipped into a coma."

"Brain..."

"The tumor is the size of a balled up fist. We will try to get in a surgery as soon as possible. We are actually trying for tomorrow afternoon."

"Uh...ok. Let's get it done."
I'm starting to feel dizzy and my ears are burning. I can't believe what the doctor is saying. A brain tumor? I don't smoke. I eat pretty healthy. I exercise. I don't do drugs. I barely drink. I sleep pretty good. No, this can't be.

"Where did this tumor come from? I don't smoke."

A tumor. I start laughing. This is a joke. I can't have cancer.

"Here, Mr. Jackson, take a look."

Aubry Sneak Peek

2011-12-04T10:52:00.007-05:00

Aubry

Ugh.

What a long day!

Those customers are crazy! And they make me so mad! Rushing to return their stale Christmas presents with pounds of receipts stacked in their pursues and wallets. What a waste of money and my time. I am so exhausted. So ready to crawl in my warm bed. It's freezing out here and I cannot wait to get inside that house and tear these stockings off. Winter is definitely here. And pulling up in the snowy driveway, I can see its clearly not leaving Detroit anytime soon. Huh? My phone is vibrating again. Ugh. A text message from that anonymous number.

"Is this Aubry?"

I almost crashed into the house. Oh my goodness! Now Charlie's brother is stalking me? Great. This is all I need right now. Some guy hunting me down about his weirdo brother. Why is he doing this to me? Why does he want to talk to me so bad? I am so glad that I made it home now. Let me run in this house so I can curse him out. No. Ill just text so I don't have to worry about calling him back. I don't want to talk. There is absolutely nothing to talk about. I don't know where Charlie is and I could care less. And to think I started liking this dude. He disrespects me by pretending to be my friend, leading me on with hints of romance and bogus love notes. Just trash. Now Vomit Boy is hiding and ignoring me. Please. I am so done dealing with trifling guys. My heart is already crushed. I don't need any more pain. He is dismissed. Ill just text back and get this over with. It's time for me to get in the bed and clear my mind anyway.

"Yes."

He immediately texts back.

"Ok, can you please call me when you get a chance?"

I guess that plan didn't work.

"Ok. Five minutes."

Seventeen minutes just passed. Maybe Ill call him now. Dialing Brandon's number, I walk into the kitchen with my heart hammering against my rib cage. I really don't want to talk to this man. I just want to go to sleep! I am so irritated right now! Just leave me alone! I want everyone to leave me alone! What does Charlie's brother want from me? I haven't heard from Charlie for over 2 weeks. I don't know anything. And I will make sure that this brother of his knows this.

An unsteady voice answers.

"Hello?"

"Um hello, this is Aubry. You called me earlier?"

"Ah yes, thank you so much for calling me back Aubry, this is Brandon."

"Mmmhmm... ok. What's going on? I just got off from work, sir." Attitude soils my voice tone.

"Uh, ok? Well, I wanted to call and tell you that CJ is in the hospital. He has been really sick these past few weeks and, uh, doctors found a, uh, tumor in his brain, not sure if its cancerous or not.."

"Huh?"

"...and, uh, he is going in for surgery in the morning. He keeps asking for an Aubry..."

"What?"

"...so I thought maybe I could get your number from his phone. It's been dead. Do you think you could, uh, possibly come down to the hospital tonight and, uh, see him?"

"Wait, what?"

My chest rips open. With tears welling up in my eyes, I fall against the kitchen wall, gasping for air. I feel so weak. And numb. And cold. Words can not even slip out of my mouth. I'm so confused. And I feel like death.

"Um... can...can I...um...call you back?"

***

Sweet Nothings

2011-11-29T21:34:00.000-05:00

I am thee most impatient person I have ever known to live on the face on this earth.Why can't I just be patient? It is extremely hard for me to sit still and be patient. Like a fidgeting child. Just a mess. Or maybe I am just too ambitious? No. No. I am just impatient. This restless desire to change gives my soul hives. I will never understand how I became this way. I just need to taste and relish the moments I am blessed with now. Because how many more moments will I get? Did I mention I worry a lot too?

Folks tell me all the time: Be patient. What exactly is patience? How can I keep her? I constantly pray for patience. But she always slipping out from between my fingers. My life is revolving and sometimes these twists and turns squeeze her out. But patience always sneaks back in. Man.

Patience is comprised of seeds of baby soft sweet nothings. Just precious; exporting remarkable energy through the veins of human life. (sigh) I will still follow the path of patience, the path of this incredible beauty. But...I'm sorry, sometimes I just can't wait. And that's when I stomp my foot, pout and feel condemned as a failure. Thank goodness for chocolate and my relationship with God. I may not always be patient. But He has patience for me. They say wait on the Lord. Good thing He waits on us too.

Gee wiz.

Separation

2011-11-13T20:07:00.003-05:00

What am I doing with my life?
Do we ever know what we are doing with our lives?
Sometimes I feel like I am separated from myself.
Other times I feel as if I am separated from others.
Absent-minded.
But never from God.
Within the last few months, especially while writing my first book, I have never felt so close to God. I am trying to write just like Him. Waking up every morning, I dedicate a few minutes to the Lord and just lay there, talking to God. A few minutes talking. A few minutes listening. Meditation.
And by doing so, I feel reconnected with myself and others.
I love talking to God. Most of all, I love that God loves talking to me. Prayerfully, through his words of guidance, I will continue to live my life with an increasing spiritual voltage. According to my pastor, life is essentially good, because the God who created all life and being is totally, thoroughly, and unfailingly good.
Regardless on how I feel on each day, I know that I am not here for nothing. I am adventurously living to conjoin with the person God wants me to be. I just have to keep beating this sense of separation, because Sin is separation from one's true self. With that, I fight the feelings of isolation and learn how to be truly happy.
Life is what you make it. And because God made me, life is pretty good, I must say.
The challenges of life nowadays are greater.
But my God is bigger.

Flaws

2011-11-06T22:57:00.002-05:00

Who will love me when I die? Better question.
Who will love me now?
Always giving my heart to everyone; I proudly walk around, foolishly thinking they'd do the same for me. Instead, they snatch away.
I always try to be the best for them. But I always fail.
Full of snickers, they nonchalantly ignore my silent cries, biting juicily into my flaws.
I am not perfect. And neither are they. But they don't know that. I dare not tell them that. Who am I to judge? So I hide.
Screams fill my tearful prayers, God listens and sends his kisses, his blessings; tiny reminders that He will always love me, flaws and all, whether you do or not. All I can do is be me.

Whispers

2011-11-06T22:02:00.000-05:00

He softly whispers, "I love you."
She loses breath.
Apparitions from his sirenic words whistle through the night; phathoms escorting her to the land of no return.
Trapped.
Her blood slowly coils.
Flustered.
She pace herself to get away.
Scared.
Her lungs fill with panic.
Questions escape her muddled mind; arising from her broken but mending heart.
What if?
Should she?

Dear Cancer

2011-11-05T13:15:00.000-04:00

Dear ~~Cancer~~,

Thank you.

You have taught Honey and I so much. You crawled through his flesh, but lost direction. You crushed vessels in his brain, but not many. You bullied your way into our minds, but never made it to our hearts. Together, my boyfriend and I follow our heroic Guiding Light. Together, we pray. Together, we live endlessly. You frightened us. But didn't dare depress. You tried to spook us. But we were brave. Through the darkest night, Reggie survived. You teach that life does not flourish through the flesh, but through the spirit. ~~Cancer~~, I just thought I tell you how I feel, but it doesn't matter; you are shrinking away. Doctors haven't seen you in a year. The Honey is doing so swell. Him and God are fighting together. And I am standing right besides him, never letting go of his hand. Quite frankly, Reggie is living his BEST life now. With or without you.

Living by faith,

Tammy J
P.S. Our God is stronger than you. And always will be.

Dear God Part 1

2011-11-02T22:36:00.003-04:00

I am constantly picking up the pieces to my life.

As months impatiently pass by, the more pieces I find and try to figure out where to shove in my puzzling life. But sometimes I feel like I am clinching to the wrong pieces. As a young woman, I am constantly learning who I am, disentangling through the webs of confusion to find my true self. It is not inviting nor easy to continuously re-learn not to sweat the small stuff. But to embrace the big stuff. Sometimes it's a wearisome to construe life's riddles. Oh God. Will I ever "get" life? Am I supposed to?

My heart asks.

Why I Write...

2011-10-30T17:58:00.001-04:00

Why I write?
So the world can witness my life.
I currently am writing my first book.
Quite nervous.
Still debating on when Snow Angels will debut to the public, but I am determined to have the world witness my life, through the words woven together to bring my book alive.
I pray that those who read Snow Angels are inspired. Most of all, I hope that my readers smile.
While writing this book, I have fallen in love with my characters, Aubrey and Charles. They are so important to me. As I write this book, I envision the world witnessing pain. Witnessing blooming love. Witnessing the agony and fear that bestows fragile hearts. What do you do when your life is flipped upside down? What do you say? Who do you go to? Who do you dare to call? Let's admit it. There are times when it feels as if it is the face of no return. Just lost. I, myself, have begged God, pleading him to give me answers; cajoled him with bargains.
But Snow Angels will help explain more.
Stay tuned and Witness.
Sincerely,Tammy J

Sleeping Beauty

2011-10-29T22:36:00.005-04:00

Sleeping Beauty.

Perhaps this is her last breath...

Closing her eyes, her soul sails on the magical voyage of a Heavenly escape.

Letting her arms unfold, she twirls through the tall meadows which cradles her love; the winds carried her airily through waves full of dreams.

Waiting for her, soft and angelic giggles tickle her.

Carefully sprinkling bountiful petals of piety upon her, the beatific spirits quickly vanish.

No trace.

Did they not love her? Was it time?

Maybe she will forget.

But she will never forget once.

She forever hunts for them in her dreams, but never sees.

My love.

2011-10-29T16:02:00.002-04:00

Sweet Serendipity.
Where are thou?
With warm tears of pleasure and agony, I chase day and night for you, my love.
I ache for your never ending touches upon my flesh and to look into your sparkly eyes.
I lust after your delicious fruit of nourishment.
Dear, don't leave me. Please.
Your paradise is neatly tucked inside of the Moira of my tightly-woven destiny.
Upon the shatters of the despicable troubles in my life, I am still intoxicated by your seizing aura.
I beg you to come to me. Please do not hide.
Alone my dreams, I follow your whispers down the primrose path to your secret garden.
Motionless, there I wait for you.
Forevermore.

Thank You.

2011-10-20T19:24:00.010-04:00

Please pray for me.
Im so emotional right now.
Eyes full of tears.
Mind full of praise.
Thank you Jesus!
Earlier today, doctors called my boyfriend to inform him of his current condition of his diagnosis.
"They told me that I am stable. No signs of cancer...," he calmly says to me.
My heart drops.
I almost fell to my knees.
No Cancer. AGAIN.
God is so so so so good. Not only is God so good for helping my boyfriend's brain to heal, but for restoring his life. Mind. Body. And soul.
We ALL don't always wake up with our right minds, but God is ALWAYS at our side and He helps us stand to do better through each day, if we choose to. Know better. Do better. REGARDLESS of what Satan whispers, or how many times our lives darkled against the silhouettes of his tricks and evil plans.....

And my charming boyfriend, Reginald, has yet to let go of God's hands and I know that he never will. And I will never let go of Reggie's hands. Never.
I just don't know what to say....
We shall never know why God is so good to us.
Until then, I will continue to thank Him.
Thank you, Heavenly Father.
Thank you for your blood, Jesus.
Thank you God, King of Glory.

Thank you for listening.
Thank you for healing.
Thank you.

"God is so powerful, folks. Don't play with Him nor doubt Him." ~ Tammy J

Blessed.

2011-10-17T21:07:00.008-04:00

"So make a list-right now-of all that you are thankful for."
Huh?
Our problems are so intoxicating...We feed off their unyielding, dangerously sweet scent. Allowing us to forget how blessed we truly are. While soaking in the bubble bath, I was reading my new favorite book, "When Prayers Aren't Answered." Author John E. Welshons teases with instructions of creating a list of blessings, diving deeply within. Closing my eyes, I slowly wander in the depths of my brain, counting my blessings, one by one.
So here it goes:
I am blessed to be alive.
I am blessed to be conscious.
I am blessed to breathe on my own. Without the help of a machine.
I am blessed to live in a warm house.
I am blessed to conquer depression.
I am blessed to have a degree.
I am blessed to have a job. Forever grateful.
I am blessed to have a mother AND a father who are STILL married.
I am blessed to have a brother who is now in college.
I am blessed to have wonderful, fearless friends.
I am blessed to have a handsome, caring boyfriend. He is fighting cancer. And winning.
I am blessed to be beautiful. I am not perfect, but beautiful.
I am blessed to be born with a gift of writing.
I am blessed to have a relationship with God.
I am blessed to have my heart broken. Constantly. But temporarily. And not permanently.
I am blessed to not be where I used to be, still heading to where I want to be.
I am blessed to be knocked down numerously. Yet, stand right back up. Again and again.
I am blessed to let go. And let God.
I am blessed to witness the anointing ceremonious uniting of lovers and the birth of fresh, blossoming lives within the last 5 months.
I am blessed to have a car. A running car. A car in which I can afford to put gas in to run.
I am blessed to have haters.
I am blessed to have many more supporters.
I am blessed to have met so many wonderful writers and artists throughout this country.
I am blessed to know my passion. And not be ashamed. To me, life is not about how you are living; life is about what you did while living.
I am blessed to be writing my book, Snow Angels.
I am blessed for you reading this right now. :)
I am blessed to finally love myself.
I am blessed to finally accept God fully in my life.
I am blessed to have so many blessings in my life. And I am still counting.
I can't deny it. I am blessed. Very.
And so are you.
I encourage you to create a list. Whether it is written down, or an intimate mental list, think of your blessings. The plentiness of God's goodies will remind you that you are highly favored; He loves us. Most of all, your blessings, just like mine, will remind you that God is in control. No matter what happens.
Be humble.
Be thankful.
Be blessed.

"...one of the most potent antidotes to frozen emotion is gratitude; just feeling thankful." ~ John E. Welshons

witness .

2011-09-22T23:40:00.007-04:00

Last night, I witnessed a murder.
The unlawful killing of an innocent man. Troy Davis. A man who was falsely accused of savagely killing an off-duty police officer in the late 1980s; Davis was executed.
The blood of this man splatters all over the hands of America.
However, the spirit of Davis prevails.
Reading Davis' final letter, I was titillated by the amusing words written by this man who had everlasting faith. Unceasing. Uninterrupted. Undying. In the midst of being tortured, ridiculed, talked about, dogged, hated, this man stood fearlessly through the last 20-something years of his life. Sadly, Davis was murdered by a country that stands falseheartedly behind the jingle of "Innocent until proven guilty."... Did I write that correctly? I could have sworn it was the other way around... Because last night.... Never mind.
I admit it. I am NOT an activist. However, I am a human being who is heartbroken once again by the country in which I live in. The story of Davis should teach us a lesson. Not just on the unjust judicial system in which our country is rooted and that a change is needed to annihilate the Death Penalty. But there is a tiny lesson embedded on that stupendous word: Faith.
Ever felt betrayed? Disappointed? We all do. We all felt imprisoned by our job(s), friends, our families and even by our own selves at some points of our lives. We are our worst enemy, of course. Once we let go our fear, the pressure eases and the shackles of our cowardism, self-pity and lack of faith are unlocked.
In the Bible, it says "For God is my record, how greatly I long after you all in the bowels of Jesus Christ,." ~ Philippians 1:8. In other words, God is my witness. God is your witness. God is Davis' witness. Sometimes we forget that we are not alone. And sometimes we forget we are not here to impress Man, but God. Whether we are distraught in an abusive household, struggling to get our college degree or picking at our last meal on Death Row, we must keep our minds on the Cross. And I strongly believe that Davis held on tight until his very last breath. Keep pressing forward in knowing that God is in control. No matter what Man judge, God has thee FINAL say.
Always keep the faith.
Remember, Jesus died. But He rose.
We all can rise simply by having faith. With faith, this country will heal. So, let's not walk around hating America for what it did. Let's smile and run with the wind because we know that a change is coming. I have faith that it is, America. No ifs ands or buts. For God is my witness.
God bless Troy Davis. May his soul rest in peace.

J'aime Détroit

2011-08-30T08:29:00.003-04:00

*Photograph of the Week*

.... oh je t' aime!

Ballerina Girl

2011-08-25T08:37:00.007-04:00

In my ballet shoes, I was a princess. Inside the studio, the dance floor was my kingdom. The mirror was my love. The music was partner.

It's boggles my mind how so many little girls aren't living in this fanciful fairy tale anymore. It is terrifying to know that our little girls are raped out of their innocence. Stricken with fear. They no longer try to be little princesses. Instead, they want to be in music videos. The hot girl. Or even worse: They just don't have any goals in life. Understandingly, our little girls are lost.

Outside the dance room, I remember prancing in front of my mother's life-sized mirror, putting on her pearls, pretending to be a lady. Inside the dance room, I felt safe and happy. Free to be the princess I dreamed to be. Little girls nowadays are wearing jeans tighter than mine, swaying their non-existent hips to today's churlish beats on the radio. They dare not to be princesses. They want to be in the next music video.

Where are our ballerina girls?

How could we allow such a thing to happen? As a little girl, my mind was quiet, full of peace. And my heart was open, full of passion. As a ballerina, I was taught to embrace my body and appreciate its delicacy.

Ballet trained me to be the woman who I am today, Strong. Obedient. Persistent. Ambitious. Beautiful. In the dance mirror, I saw the power of my presence. My self-esteem was glowing and growing. Looking at our little girls today, their self-esteem hang upon the words of lying beasts. Our broken soldiers. Footling to our soon-to-be nubile ladies. Making them feel like losel slum.

Ballet didn't save my childhood. It just gave me something to look forward to as I grew up. It was enchanting. It taught me that there was something bigger out in the world and I had the capability of capturing it. The morphology of ballet essentially opened my eyes to catch the impossible.

We need to find our little girls, guide them back to their kingdom of innocence and help them believe that they too can capture their dreams. No matter how big they are. Most importantly, hold their hands and mold our little princesses into the Queens that they are destined to be.

Where is that grasshopper?

2011-08-24T08:25:00.006-04:00

I admit it.

I am struggling with a cold case of "grasshopper mentality."

Side effects: Prosaic. Weak. Loss of faith. Frail. Easily broken. Loss of high expectations. Feeling ordinary.

Pastor Joel Osteen says, "If you are always thinking about your defeat, failure, how weak you are, or how impossible your circumstances are, you will develop a 'grasshopper mentality'."

When you think of a grasshopper, what do you think of? A tiny green creature that is ready to be squished. A weak critter that roams the face of the earth. Helpless pest.

In my virgin years of writing and blogging, I was the grasshopper. Small. And just there. Even now, I sometimes to sulk, only finding myself going to bed, not feeling motivated. But as I continue to rediscover God in my soul searching, I am realizing that I need to stop focusing on my weaknesses and focus on Him. It is true: Embracing the walks of life with the "grasshopper mentality" belittles God. With that in mind, I am constantly reprogramming my mind on how big God is and what he has in store for me and my writing.

My writing is bigger than who I am. Your goals in your life are bigger than you are. By believing in yourself, you stray away from that so-called "grasshopper mentality." This is one of the very reasons why I am writing my first book. I absolutely love writing. I cherish life with words and I want to coddle my readers with my words. I am writing this book to prove to no one but God that I can do anything because He has placed the ability inside of me to do so. I know that I am not a cosmic accident who is just roaming around the world, hopping through life like a tiny grasshopper with broken dreams. I am an image of God and I am determine to continue to grow in His light and go after my dream of becoming an author. Reaching my full potential.

Breaking off the shackles of this mundane mentality means that I must truly believe what the Bible says about me.

No matter how big it is, a grasshopper is still a grasshopper. Unlike that grasshopper. I am a child of God and determined to reach my goals and be successful. God is just that big. And so are my dreams. And so will my accomplishments.

Tuesday Morning's with Her

2011-08-23T08:45:00.005-04:00

"If you are not beguiling by age twelve, forget it." Lucy (Charles Schulz)
A large percentage of us are killers. Of our own dreams. With fear.
But I set my weapon down every morning when I wake up and pray. In my talk with God, I envision another route to chase Her, my dream. She stands there in front of me, teasing me. I just have to figure out how to get to Her.
How will you capture your dream today? How will you fulfill your aspiration today?
My advice: Move fast. And never look back.

Queen

2011-08-22T23:26:00.000-04:00

Queen,
How do you welcome your day?
What do you do when you rise out of bed? Do you sing? Do you dance? Do you pray?
In the morning sun, I sneak a peek at you, Queen. Heartily desiring to relish your loving. What a taste that would be. But I'd rather feast upon your mind instead. Your dreams. Your passions. Your inclination. All are savory and tantalizing. Makes my mouth water.
Your virtuous existence is a shade of Godly love.
Love has no limits. No boundaries. No stipulations.
Queen, relationships are simple. We are to love each other. Respect each other. But everything else seems to keep barging right in. Without invitation. But continue to hold on.
As an acclaimed man, I live my life by integrity, morals and standards. I know my worth. I feel your worth. Do you know yours? Better yet, am I worthy of you, Queen?
God instructs a man to find a woman who is equal to him. If he fails, he must brace for the forthcoming havoc ahead, oozing from the fires of demoniac angels from Hell. For a virulent man who is lost will lust after you, poisoning your virtue, fondling your worth. But a honorable man will love after, for and by you, Queen.
When that man finds you, his Queen, he is kneeling before God.
...Je t' aime

My Friend. My Father. My Life.

2011-08-17T22:37:00.000-04:00

God cannot be explained.

He cannot be argued about.

He cannot be theorized.

nor can He be discussed and understood.

God can only be lived.

~Meher Baba, God Speaks

Finding God is not easy. Am I questioning my faith? No.I am just rediscovering my relationship with Him. My life is changing in a different direction. I an lost in the noise. And I need Him more than ever. I certainly don't look at God the same way as I used to. I don't look at Him as I did during the years of my impertinent adolescence. At that time, I used to think that God watched all my moves and only blessed me when I obeyed and forgave me when I begged. But it has to be more to the picture. It's more than just obeying and memorizing a few scriptures in my fancy Bible; I must live Godly. But I get all caught up. Trying to please God. And not living through Him.

During my soul searching, I recognize God as a devouring spirit. Without any doubt, God is God and we are to never question Him. Ever. I am learning that my prayers are not just for whispering special favors. But to serve as esoteric reminders that I am connected to Him supernaturally. There is absolutely no excuse for the inability to feel God. He is the divine spirit of life. Each breath we take is a sprinkle of God's grace. Each heartbeat is the pulsation of God's mercy. Fundamentally, God is the animator of my life. And God is the connector between my body and soul.

He is thee spirit that constantly hugs me when I am disappointed or losing faith. The spirit that knocks me down, reminding me that it is only One that is in control. The spirit that blesses me with an abundance of fruit that nourishes my soul every single day. Overall, God is my Heavenly Father who is always holding out His hand for me to take. One day, I hope I am brazen enough to take His hand and hold on. Forever.

I am still searching for my understanding of God. What does God truly means to me? Those who seek, will find.

I wish...

2011-08-04T00:18:00.000-04:00

I wish friends and family would stop taking me for granted.

They scrutinize my presence as soft-spoken baby doll. But I'm not. I am a human being.

There are so many people who have so many misconceptions of me.

Do you really know me? I think not.

I wish friends and family would stop looking at me as a beauty queen and look at me as an individual who is trying to make a difference in the community. Stop looking at me as the lady who is just always smiling. Some days, I smile because I am happy. Other days, I smile because some of God's people need a smile. Don't you sometimes?

I wish friends would stop thinking that I am this, when I am that.

I wish family would stop lying to me. Aren't I worth the truth?

I wish friends would stop acting like they believe in me. I'd rather you be an unquestionable hater than a lover in disguise.

I wish family would stop being fake. Keep it real and walk out of my life. The door is to the left. It's open.

I wish friends would be filled with more humility than pretentiousness.

But then again, I wish I wouldn't give a damn.

ugh.