Totally Tammy

Cut From Another Cloth – Rhare Footage

2014-04-22T13:46:00.004-04:00

A fresh and innovative clothing line in the city of Detroit has been unleashed! And it’s on the prowl.

Photo Courtesy: Titus Johnson

Scrolling down your Instagram and Facebook time lines, or just walking in the mall or on campus, you may have seen ladies and gentlemen wearing hats, t-shirts, hoodies, and crewnecks that all have a very distinctive logo. Dare to know?

Established in 2013, owners Brandon Smith and Titus Johnson have unbolted a hot new urban fashion crusade in the Motor City. Described as a pioneering footprint for a more exclusive view, Rhare Footage is a vibrant collection that certainly has different styles which give dynamic flavors to today’s men and women’s apparel. This groundbreaking clothier adds sparks of individuality and it’s tailored with electrifying originality for the elite.

“Rhare [Footage] is something different. You have all these different lines to just wear clothes, but nothing represents truly your personality," says Titus Johnson. "Not Rhare. Because we all dare to be different.”

As a pleased customer, I promise you, Rhare Footage is definitely a new movement for today's trendsetters. I am in love with this new collection because of the delicious colors and its eclectic mix of designs. And the fabric quality is amazing- So comfortable! The clothes and accessories are suitable for any environment, i.e., work, class, concerts, church gatherings, etc. They even have clothing for children. Plus, I can’t wait for the summer additions! The world needs to get ready.

It’s original. It’s vibrant. It’s sexy. It’s bold. It’s daring.

It’s Rhare.

And this is only the beginning.

Don't believe me. Check it out for yourself. www.rharefootage.com!

Curlies that won’t go with the flow. Is it time to go?

2014-02-26T11:38:00.000-05:00

Okay, so I think I have reached that point in transitioning - Time for a mini-chop. Right? I think.

(NOTE: My bangs haven't been this long since 2005)

Last night, I washed my hair. What a task! It took me almost an hour to finish. Geez. Oh, and I am in love with my fabulous new products, especially the curl enhancing smoothie!

My hair is so thick, so soft and no longer fighting with me. My permed ends are losing their fight and seem to be desperately cooperating. Lol! Which is why I feel that it is time to end the war and slice off the damaged ends. The end result: less tangles!! And possibly shorter washing sessions.

But I will be patient. Maybe in March, I will do the mini-chop. Maybe not. As you can see, I change my mind every single week. Well, that’s because my hair changes every week as it grows like wildfire. Far as styling, I tried my first flat twist out this week. I was quite pleased with the results, but I definitely need to keep practicing.

Right now, I have my hair in small twists until I figure out what style I want to conquer next. I am thinking of giving Bantu Knots a try. Wish me luck! Praise the Lord for YouTube tutorials and Pinterest!!

Thirsty Waves, Curls and Kinks

2014-02-22T13:24:00.000-05:00

Okay, now I know that we shouldn’t really classify the texture of our hair, but I feel that I have reached a point of my natural hair care where I need to know which techniques are beneficial for my hair. Each hair texture is different and may require different cleansers, conditioners, moisturizers, hair milks and styling butters and custards which are essential in hydrating and nourishing the hair. So, lately, I've been studying my natural curl for the past couple of weeks like I would for the GRE. I think I have figured it out. I think. My texture is changing so I can be wrong possibly next month. Right now, my hair is mixture of 4A and 4B…. I think. I guess I have what they say is ‘coily springy’ hair. My coils are tight and coarse, but my curl pattern is a soft ‘S’. Visibly, most of our manes are full of a variety of textures, but I am just thrilled to see some type of pattern is in my hair. It is pretty exhilarating to me. I am so used to that flat, monotonous permed hair.

A week ago, I started taking Biotin. I did last year a few months before the wedding. Now I'm taking it again to help with the growth of my tresses. Plus, Biotin is a potent dietary supplement that has a compelling wide range of health benefits, such as assisting with metabolism, heart care and revitalizing the skin. And of course, I am drinking more and more water.

I will be honest. There are some days, my eyes ogle at my hair and I say to myself, “What the h---.” But then I snap out of it and go on with my day. Like I stated before, I am now making it a habit to moisturize my hair every single day. It has almost been a month since I put heat in my hair and I know that by doing so, it is also helping my hair along with saturating my hair and scalp with my oils to ensure that I have strong, healthy and hydrated coils.

And most importantly, my patience is growing stronger.

Pray for me. Whew. Lol.

Still in search for my curlfriends...

2014-02-15T17:51:00.000-05:00

January 2011 - Permed and bleached. SMH.
TRAGIC.

So, about this natural hair journey. Not bad at all.

While researching other girls' escapades with their Natural Hair discovery, many ladies succumb to the creamy crack in the midst of their adventures. Not I.

I have yet to have a single itch to get a perm. I guess because I am having fun wearing faux buns, sew-ins, twists, wigs and so forth. I am experiencing with different looks and I am loving it. Meanwhile, my hair is safe and growing. I am undeniably metamorphosing into a product junkie. I find myself constantly standing in the aisles of stores, staring at hair products and oils and deciding which ones to take home. So far, I am in love with Tea Tree Oil, Jojoba Oil, Olive Oil and of course, the boo, Argan oil. I need to go out and get Castor Oil and Coconut Oil. My hair is so thirsty. It is to the point where I find myself spraying my hair with water to keep it hydrated and moisturized.

Presently, I have my hair braided in cornrows so my hair can continue to rest under my new style. Since I have so much perm growing out, many are suggesting that I do the BC or Big Chop. I honestly do not feel that I ready for that. Merely because I am having too much fun with all these lovely protective styles! Like I stated before, I love the flexibility of weave. Plus, I have decided to have a 'Mini Chop' in the fall where I will cut off the remaining permed strands, regardless of length and so forth. So I will carry on and grow my hair out and then eventually, I will give in to the scissors.

So far, I have noticed that my hair texture has changed drastically. Softer. Also, it is SO THICK and I absolutely love it. It is amazing. Which is another reason why I am not interested in putting back the perm. I did all this hard work growing it out, I am not going to stop here. The health of my hair is so important to me and I am determined to bring it back to life.

February 2014: My hair blown out: (10 months post relaxer - Please excuse my ends - Scary, I know)

Currently, I have my hair braided in cornrows.

Let's see what I get next. Will I do the BC? Probably not. Lol.

Re-Introducing Myself

2014-01-02T12:34:00.002-05:00

I am absolutely starting this New Year with exhilaration!

Entering my 10th month post relaxer. *gasps* And guess what? I am surviving! *Praise Dance* I had a perm for 16 years. Give me some credit!

Last March, I got a touch-up and by April, I was entirely fed up with perms and decided to go natural. It really has been a voyage. Learning my hair, re-introducing myself to my natural hair texture and all that jazz.

Not once have I thought about going back to the creamy crack! I will confess that I do miss the shiny, mellifluous, straight hair. But that’s what weave is for, right?

Before I got my Marley Twists in November, I realized how much my hair has grown. And I am very pleased with every kink, nap and curl.

The one frustrating issue I am currently dealing with is dryness and brittleness. THE STRUGGLE IS REAL. So I make it my life mission to moisturize my delicate hair daily, especially my edges. Lord knows, I need them to stay! As much as making the decision to transition was easy, maintaining two different textures isn’t such an easy task. But I know this hair evolution will be worth it.

Finding my curlfriends seems to be a liberating and rewarding journey. And I am determined to stay strong. Another precious step towards a healthier lifestyle in the New Year!

Stay tuned.

November 2011 - Straight Hair a.k.a. PERM

March 2012 - Last touch up.

April 2012- My 26th Birthday. Post relaxer- One Month. - My natural hair beauty Shaina helped me with my first attempt with a natural hair style. I thought about the Big Chop, but I love the versatility of weave too much. And I truly appreciate extensions in easing my journey in transitioning.

November 2013. Length check- Hair grew so much! I noticed my hair had so much more volume, fluff, softness and length. Definitely inspired me to keep going!

Struggling, but unstaggering faith.

2014-01-01T21:11:00.002-05:00

Started the New Year with Psalm 71.

And it rocked my world. Whew.

Let me tell you, this was the perfect scripture to begin the new year with.

In my private place at home, I lit two candles and I sat with an anxious heart. Daily, as I meet with God, I close my eyes in prayer, hungry for His presence. Holding my Bible, I asked God to speak to me. In doing so, He guided me to Psalm 71. Random, I thought. But the Holy Spirit told me to be quiet and read. Reciting the words, I felt my heart get lighter as the monsters of doubt crawled away and the clutches of anxiety loosen.

In awe, I became smitten by the emotional verses.

Scrolling line by line slowly, the Holy Spirit spoke to my heart, reminding me that no matter what the situation is, no hardship or a single drop of adversity could ever deprive me from the favor and love of God.

Once I stopped reading, comfort seized me and my soul cheered. Blessed assurance.

Definitely ready for the new year ahead.

The Truth.

2013-12-05T18:02:00.000-05:00

I just want to tell the truth.

And what I am writing may make the Devil mad. Anyhoo.

People think I have changed. And yes, I have! I've been changed. Our marriage has given me a new spiritual life, budding fresh fruit and newfangled changes. For years, I was lost in the maze of the enemy. Problems were just collapsing everywhere. Some felt enormous. Others were small. I felt my life decaying with ~~self-esteem issues, jealousy, and the urges to please others~~! Frail and weak, I struggled to even wake up in the morning and speak to God. Even 2013 simply started off in the depths of Hell and the road through confusion and despair seemed so long.

I felt incredibly inadequate. But you better believe, God flipped those challenging days around, enriching my days with His mercy and salvation, sending me on a magical adventure with my handsome husband as his Queen. Because of our marriage, I have grown with inspiration and love, steadily wearing my crown. By studying the Word and praying together every single day, I am learning what it truly means to fully transform into a Proverbs 31 woman.

I am forever grateful to have God share His special gift, Mr. Reginald Johnson with me in this lifetime.

Bliss.

Happy Anniversary Honey! You are a dream come true.

Pieces Pt. 1

2013-12-02T15:35:00.002-05:00

Hi.
When you look at me, what do you see?
Sunshine and slopes of grace? Or gloom filled with foothills of mistakes?
The year 2013 was such a fanciful year for me and as it ends, I'd like to reflect on the good and the bad. And I will admit that 2013 did welcome several uninvited seasons where I felt forgotten, pitiless and broken. The Devil was after me, so I believed.
Reflecting over the year of 2013, I sit here and gather the smithereens and thorns of my shattered heart. Over the course of this year, I have been crushed by the lies of friends and family, pushed to the emotional edge numerous times, reeled through a tough engagement, allowed irrelevant opinions to feast upon my soul, lost fake friends who turned and walked away, was laid off after just getting married, stopped believing in my life’s purpose, and the list goes on and on. It hurt so much and the pain sometimes lingers on a bit. Life knocked me down to the point where I didn't want to even pray for myself.
But God...
But God didn’t allow me to lose my way. Through those trials, He got me through the pain and brought me over those mountains.
Can you say the same? I hope so. Keep holding on. I’m trying too.
Be blessed and restored.

that ugly girl.

2013-11-09T10:52:00.000-05:00

It's over now. But stop. And listen.

I don't know if I could ever...
forgive myself... that ugly girl...
for all the lousy torture I put myself through.

It's over now. But wait. Listen.

I felt so alone with agony from countless cloudy days.
My best wasn't enough.
Blisters from envy rippled in my blood.
Immeasurable heart-aching pain from that ugly girl.
Self-doubt pestered my happiness.

It's over now. But still listen.

Sorrows from my brokenness devoured me.
Guilt ruptured my veins as I drowned in depression.
Shadows of self- hatred sabotaged my inspirations and goals.
No matter what I did, my sadness mastered my life.
I cried more than I prayed.
I laid in my bed rather than going to the altar to talk to Christ. And if I had the courage to talk to Him, I would beg Christ to pray for me- I didn't have the strength to pray for my own self.

Listen.

Within the last couple of months, I am learning that Forgiveness is bringing me closer to God. I've been fighting with that 'F' word for years. I will never know if I am at fault for my ongoing unhappiness. I can't blame Satan, right? I am the one who is responsible for my life. Right? By praying for forgiveness and studying the Word, I examined myself and I found that I was so distracted by my earthly make-up rather than my divine purpose.

That ugly girl may never go away. Probably not. But I am starting to turn from her and forgive her. I can't say if I fully forgive her yet... I am working on it. Isn't it mind-boggling on how hard it is to forgive yourself?

But I declare: It's over now.

Well... The day has come!

2013-09-03T11:58:00.001-04:00

One milestone done. CHECK!

Today’s is the big day! Today, Reggie and I bequeath to the world a little boy with a gigantic smile and two sparkly brown eyes. Simply, today is RJ’s first day of Kindergarten. Eek!

Countless unbridled emotions swallowed my brain as we prepared for this kiddo’s first day of school. We all woke up excited and ready for the new day. We talked about learning new things, making new friends and homework. This was just a B!G moment rippling inside of our home! Just a few months ago, tears were bubbling down my face as RJ walked across the stage, graduating from Pre-K. Now, just a few hours ago, I was helping RJ neatly pack his backpack with his fresh school supplies and snacks before he walked out the door to conquer his momentous day of starting Elementary school.

Ay yi yi!

Man, I miss being a kid. No real worries in the world. The only worry I had was making sure my mother bought the prettiest trapper keeper and hoping she polishes my nails for the first day of class. Looking at RJ made me realize that I am getting older and that we both are entering new paths- His path of growing independently into a man like his father (my dreamy husband) and my path of motherhood. I pray I will be blessed with plenty of ‘RJ’s first moments’. Just like his first day of Kindergarten, I plan to be there for RJ for his many First’s- when he wiggles out his first loose tooth, when he sits in his first car, when he gets ready for his first date and needs advice- PAUSE, let me be real... I am NOT ready for that. I never will be. Hehehe.

But anyhoo…

Quite frankly, I am proud of myself for not crying. Before he skipped out the front door, I gave RJ a kiss on the forehead and he told me that he loves me. Let me tell you, I seriously am not ready for RJ to grow up. But I know that he doesn’t have a choice and neither do I or his daddy.

I love my little RJ. I am so blessed to have RJ as my son.

Go get it, RJ! The world is waiting!

Malachi

2013-09-01T23:32:00.001-04:00

"The devil is always sitting in my corner.”

Sweat drips down Malachi's face in his hour of darkness.

Why would God allow this to happen?

Why are these lies haunting his life, Malachi wonders.

The most beautiful woman in the world who gave him life is a victim of Hell.

And his track coach, the one man who he looks up to is the cause of it all.

Pray, my sweet Malachi, an angel says.

But Malachi doesn’t want to pray. Why should he? He feels like a greasy pot of flesh and sin. How could his mother look at him? How dare he speak to Coach?

As the raindrops collapse slowly unto his skin, Malachi runs to his best friend Chelsea's house. On the porch, they sit in silence as the trees sway with the breath of the wind. Both sitting still. Lost in the warm April night.

“Why am I here?” Malachi asks.
“Why are any of us here?”
“No. You are here because your parents were madly in love, married and welcomed you into a life of happiness.”
“Ok and.”
“Ok and mine weren’t. And this nasty secret was kept from me all my life.”
“Malachi.”
“No, Chelsea, please. Don’t sugar coat this for me. The thing is, I’ve always wondered what my roots were. And now I know. My roots are nothing but strings of murderous lies. And the fact that my mother kept me rips me apart inside.”
“She kept you because you are her blessing.”
“No, I am a living curse.”
“How are you a curse? I am so sure that you are the best thing that ever happened to your mother.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“You don’t want to believe that.”
“Chelsea, I am one of Satan‘s seeds. I don’t even know how my mother can even look at me.”
“Because you are her angel.”
“Yeah, her precious angel of death. I am her daily reminder of what Hell is. I am even afraid of myself.”

Placing her hand over his chest, Chelsea’s touch seemed to simmer down his racing heartbeats. Chelsea pulls her broken friend close to her, stretching her arms around him.

“No, my friend, you are your mother’s precious messenger of her deliverance. Let it be.”

To be continued...

Natural Roots. Straight Ends: In Search for My Curlfriends

2013-08-30T14:55:00.001-04:00

As Labor Day sneaks upon us and our precious kiddies merrily return back to school, I will be officially entering my sixth month post-relaxer anniversary. That’s right. My hair hasn’t been chemically altered for the last 6 months. How am I feeling? Scared? Excited? More like, OBSESSED. I told you folks, I am so serious in continuing my long-term transition to le natural hair.

March 2013 was the last time I had a perm. Since then, family and friends are relentlessly asking me why I decided to go natural. Because I’m worn-out with relaxed hair. For years, I would lust after sparkly straight, long hair. To me, relaxed hair was beautiful, sexy hair. The moment I felt a kink or saw a millimeter of new growth, I felt insecure, uncomfortable, and would immediately make a hair appointment with disgust, especially during my high school years. I had a perm since I was 10 years old. Sixteen years later, I can’t say if I recall my natural curl. I don’t even think my mother remembers.

They say that by the fourth or fifth month, some women tend to itch for the creamy crack while others give in to the BC a.k.a. The Big Chop. Since college, I cut my hair off 3 times, so I am really trying my hardest to avoid the BC. Plus, I desire the fun with the different styles like the Bantu knots and Braid-outs. I have done a lot of research and so many women have thrived with their luscious curls in their transition.

One thing for sure, I am not transitioning alone. My husband is a huge supporter of me going natural. Many of my girlfriends are natural and I am in love with their glossy, juicy curls. Their hair is so soft and fluffy. So much volume. So much character. So much flare. So much flavor!!!

Currently, I am wearing a protective style- the lovely sew-in. (My favorite is the faux bun!) I figured that I could allow my hair to relax with a weave. Plus, my new growth and straggly ends were starting a fist fight,so I decided it's definitely time to get a sew-in. Within the next few months, I plan to get twists and continue to let my tresses grow. By next summer, I plan to chop the rest of the perm off. But for now, I am going to continue to rock protective styles, get my ends clipped and continue with deep conditioning treatments. I understand that by religiously trimming the processed ends away, I am allowing my hair to grow healthier and avoiding redundant damage.

Throughout my invigorating journey in finding my Curlfriends, I am studying different oils, moisturizers, conditioners and shampoos and adopting a plethora of methods in adding more hydration and life to my surviving locks. I am disciplining myself harder in going easy on the heat and remember to take my time detangling my hair. More importantly, I am learning: I AM NOT MY HAIR.

My main goal is to have beautiful, healthy hair. Ever since I stopped getting perms, my hair has been growing like wild fire. And I absolutely love it. I am so mesmerized by my new hair growth and its texture. As far as my hair type, I have no idea. I just know that this raggedy permed hair ain’t me. A few weeks ago, before I got the sew-in installed, my stylist pressed out my hair and it was stronger, longer and way thicker. Talk about motivation!

So until then, I plan to enjoy my hair while transitioning! I’ll keep ya updated, darlings.

Marriage: An itsy bitty fancy word for Teamwork!

2013-08-27T11:02:00.000-04:00

“Many marriages would be better if the husband and the wife clearly
understood that they are on the same side.” ~ Zig Ziglar

As a newlywed, I am learning a great deal about the paradise of marriage with my husband, Reggie. One critical ingredient of this institution is teamwork. Without team spirit, marriage is bland and blemished. Healthy team spirit is fundamental in seasoning a God-designed marriage. In the Holy Bible, Romans 12:10 states “Outdo one another in showing honor.” With team spirit, spouses should find numerous ways to bless each other and uplift one another with love and support.

Within the last few weeks as a newly married couple, our team spirit grew firmly. Four days after returning from our Honeymoon, I was choked up by the devastating news: Company lay-off. Now, let me refresh your memory, I can be the Queen of Worry. This crushing rejection fondled some of my nerves- It still does. However, instead of jumping off the deep-end into depression and desperation, Reggie and I fell to our knees and prayed to God that evening. Ever since that shocking day, I knew that I must maintain a steadfast mindset through this storm of losing my job. And my husband is with me every minute. We do everything as a team. We clean our beautiful house together. We cook appetizing meals together. We do boring laundry together. We devise budget plans together. We are continuously helping each other with our goals. Most importantly, we uplift each other every single day. We even work as a team in listening to each other better. But I would say the best part of our team, we pray together.

AND THE DEVIL HASN’T BEEN SO NICE ABOUT IT. IN FACT, HE HATES THIS. From the beginning of our engagement, my husband and I had an inkling that the devil did not want us to marry and we experienced what I felt like was the devil’s ploy to smash our relationship to smithereens. BUT our story began with God and God is not finished with us! Therefore, our Heavenly Father led us down to the altar.

An author once stated, “When a couple is standing at the altar getting married, the devil has an assignment on that couple.”

Remaining prayerful and watchful, my husband and I come to Christ daily, pouring our hearts to Him daily, keeping our souls in the presence of the Lord. God expects us to come to Him every day because of His Faithfulness. He is so faithful to us; we ought to do the same. And Reggie and I do! We are a winning team and I definitely find ourselves talking more often and candidly about everything! I just absolutely love it!

Becoming shrewdly aware of what is essential in the convent of marriage, I know that teamwork keeps its alive. In order to successfully blend two lives together, a marriage must have that special element of commitment towards the team. Without teamwork, a marriage can become stale and the communication between a husband and wife becomes polluted with defilement, making them weaklings in tackling arising problems and blinding them to resolutions. Ultimately, teamwork is constructed upon that sweet ol’ Agape love- That type of “I am never going to forsake my God and I will never leave you or forsake you in this marriage’ type of love. Teamwork leads to decisions that create stability of commitment in a marriage, especially in a fresh marriage such as ours.

Teamwork strengthens couples yet it leaves room for each spouse to preserve his or her individuality, guiding them to their dreams. By making joint decisions confidently, marriage can be fun, less stressful and enlightening! Teamwork should ensure that each spouse shares the same vision or morals and heads in the same direction. I am learning that in
good times and bad, we must remember that our spouses are always our partner and never our enemy. In union, there is strength. In union, there is an unbreakable bond. In union, the Devil will fail. In union, the loyalty will prevail.

Most importantly, husbands and wives make the best teams in the world! Reggie and I are a team for life!

Thee Most Raaaaaandom Blog Post I Have Ever Written......I Think.

2013-07-25T09:46:00.002-04:00

11 Random Things about Me.

1. I wanted to be married at age 27. God had a different plan and I am thankful. But I was close! Lol!

2. I am currently working on my second book, ‘Malachi.’ Stay tuned.

3. I absolutely hate shaving my legs. Like seriously.

4. I merely paid $366 for my wedding dress. And it was perfect. Just for me.

5. I have the wildest crush on Mariah Carey. No one will ever understand.

6. I am in love with Ice Mountain water. So tasty and refreshing.

7. I love pink nail polish. It’s demure, ladylike, and timeless. Other colors are fabulous. True. But classic pink polish is soft, elegant and trendy!

8. I am forever trying to find ways to sway my husband to get us a kitten. I mean, it would be a subtle cure to 'baby fever'.

9. I care too much for other people’s feelings. Trust, I am working on that.

10. I want to have twin girls. I know, I know, that’s social suicide.

11. I am madly in love with a man named Reginald. Oh wait, not so random, huh?

A New Wife

2013-07-24T10:26:00.002-04:00

‘How does it feel to be married?’

Lately, this is the question that I get from coworkers, family and friends. ‘How does it feel to be a wife?’ ‘Do you feel any different?’ I will tell you this: it is an indescribable feeling- Too beautiful for words. And my perception on love has undeniably changed.

It is SO electrifying that Reginald is my husband. To come together to become one flesh blows my mind! Our marriage doesn’t just surround the idea that I stole his last name-hehehe! Our marriage is a living organism that is constantly evolving, morphing into something sensational! Overjoyed, we are on the journey in perfecting our marriage. With a nutritious blend of Agape love, Philia love, and Eros love, our marriage is a nourishing product of God's love.

My first few weeks as a married woman- Fascinating! My husband and I did not live together prior to tying the knot so it was very interesting to move in with each other. Still an adjustment. :D Newsflash: Marriage goes beyond the wedding day, shiny rings and living with each other. Anyone can shack up. Anyone can have a wedding. And anyone can purchase rings. Marriage is deeper than that. It’s where you must faithfully put your mind, body and soul into it. And I am learning that a wife utilizes her skills to help institute the embellishment of the home and the enhancement of her husband. More importantly, a wife reverences her husband. In other words, the wife SUBMITS herself to her husband, and I am still learning the necessity of submission in a marriage. God aint through with me yet folks.

Every morning, I gaze at my fine husband while he sleeps coolly like a baby as I dress for work. This is the man who I will help raise RJ with. This is the man who I will bear children with. This is the man who I will be with for the rest of my life. This is the man who promises to love me forever. Then he wakes up, smiling back at me. That smile motivates me to orientate myself to be a godly woman as his wife.

My man is not just my best friend. He is not just a cancer survivor. He is not just my soul mate. Reginald is my husband and I promise to build a strong marriage with him to last a lifetime.

The Chase

2013-07-21T19:40:00.002-04:00

The enemy strikes again. But the blood of Jesus covers me.

Sitting on the patio in the backyard today, I find myself constantly staring into the sky. The clouds are gray, thick, looking as if they are glutted with rain. However, these gloomy blisters dare not burst. Sun worshippers are surely full with glee because the sun is shining dazzlingly out here, kissing my skin.

Man. Life loves to test me. Geeeeeeeeeez…….

I say this because…..last week was probably one of the unfavorable weeks of my life. A nightmare came true. I was smacked in the face and shoved in the pits of the Devil’s lair. Yet, for some reason, on this day, I can’t stop smiling.

Last week, I felt so discouraged, embarassed and beat-down. I was thrown off track. I kept asking, “Why did this happen to me?” I was in such a funk. But then the truth whispered into my ears. LIFE IS NOT FAIR. But deep down in my heart, I know that my God is fair.

And my mother drilled in my brain when I was a little girl that God promises His children that all things work together for good for those who loves Him. And if you haven’t noticed, (I don’t know how you wouldn’t) I love God so much. Yes, I make ungodly mistakes I am not proud of. There were times I set the cross down and spat out words that weren't holy. I have my share of ups and downs. I STRUGGLE. Who doesn’t? And yes, I still throw tantrums when life burns me with burdens. But in the end, God has always rescued me and He isn’t done with me.

After this past week, I could have lost my mind. You folks know I am the Stress Queen. (During the wedding planning crunch, a not-so-darling side of me emerged. Hahaha.) But you should know that God is my anchor. And I know this is a test of my Faith. Throughout my spiritual journey, I know that Jesus probably yelled at me numerous times. "WHAT THE HELL DO YOU BELIEVE IN ME FOR? STOP WORRYING TAMARA." Therefore, I plan to hold on to my cross tightly and maintain my patience because I know that God has a plan for me. In fact, a few nights ago, I asked God for a sign of my purpose in life. Well…..He answered. So, now, I am on a fresh journey and I know that it is worth my while baby. I can't go wrong.

Despite this cloudy day, the sun continues to shine lustrously and my spirit will do the same. Before anything else, I plan to pray through the pain as I chase Jesus.

Life is like the game Tag. Jesus chases us, pouring his love upon us. Well, right now, it is my turn to lace up and chase Him for I know He has a scrumptious blessing for me!

Oh the anticipation!

Trapped.

2013-05-01T15:29:00.003-04:00

“Baby, you deserve to not live in fear.”

My fiance told me this last night.

I don't deserve to, huh? I don't. But I secretly live with Fear.

Since college, Fear has paralyzed my soul, trapping my mind in a pool of uneasiness.

Overpowered with trepidation, I typically find myself trying to please others, not living my life to the fullest. After praying last night, God instructed me to read the Book of 2 Corinthians for the month of May. While confessing my fears to Him, He comforted my soul with His words. The first few verses reminded me that God will deliver me from the many perils of Life. God did it before. And He will do it again.

God always graciously answers our prayers and if we pay attention, we will realize that God is embedded in all angles of our daily lives. This is why we must die daily and stopped relying on ourselves. I learned today that the only difference between today and tomorrow is our Faith.

But the more my Faith grows, the closer Fear haunts me, squeezing and tightening its grip around my life. It just won't let go. Why? God only knows why. Whatever the reason is, I find myself running to God more often than ever, shivering like a lost child. Of course, I am still searching for my strength in God so that I will rise victoriously.

"Pray hard. Live easy", they say.

I just wish it was that simple.

The C-Word

2013-03-04T12:30:00.001-05:00

Cancer.

It's been a few months since I've regained the strength to type that word. Or wanted to blog about it.

Over the last few weeks, I've been thinking about the c-word and how it has affected my fiancé’s life as well as mine. Boy, I tell ya, it is not an amusing folk tale.

In and out of those riotous times, Reginald and I grew closer in spirit.

And I’ve learned so much more about my righteous buddy, Jesus.

I know that I can never EVER thank God enough for what He has done for my fiancé and me.

However, I don’t just want our story to end just there. I want to reach out to cancer patients, survivors as well as supporters who hold their hands. It’s an arduous task to be supportive of someone in the boxing match, fighting for their life against this grueling illness. I just want to dedicate my life to helping those whose lives were and still are affected by cancer.

I know I can't stop cancer or the tears of disbelief and pain. But I know I can help encourage a child, a mother, a teacher, a soul that cancer will never stop you from living your best life.

I wish cancer did not exist. I talk to God about cancer all the time. Every so often, I would blame cancer for some of the problems that Reggie and I wrestled within our relationship. But I know that this battle is not ours.

I want to remind warriors that cancer is neither a punishment nor a death sentence.

I also want to lend a hand to those sitting by the bedside of their beloved warriors as they go through chemotherapy which is such a bizarre weapon. It fights cancer so good that it can suck the life out of the person. I will never forget the day Reggie didn't even speak or look at me during his chemotherapy. I thought I lost him even when he was sitting right next to me, holding my hand. In my mind, he was million miles away locked inside a dungeon.

I remember those emotions. I want to thrash out those emotions with others who are tormented by those sore and achy feelings. I want to remind them that THERE IS LIFE AFTER CANCER.

Fancy degrees can’t save your life and sometimes dollar bills can’t do so either. Only God.

I want to remind warriors that life is about living the best life that God has given despite the circumstances.

The cancer may eat away the flesh, but never the beautiful spirit of Life.

So many of us have a misconception of what makes Life so beautiful. Blinded by materials. Even myself.

Luckily, my soul mate is here on earth as my daily reminder of what Life is.

What should I do? Any ideas?

I want to be an inspiration to others; my fiancé is mine.

I write this for my hero: Reginald. I love you Honey.

War

2013-02-27T17:46:00.001-05:00

Why do I care so much?

I ask myself this question almost every day whenever I look in the mirror.

And this big-eyed, little girl stares back relentlessly, shrugging her shoulders indignantly. Her bitter lips loosen.

"I don't know."

Judged.

Handcuffed.

Blocked in.

Choking...

Suffocating....

Sorrow and Affliction slide inside my veins; pricking and attaching themselves to my heart.

Strangling me.

I, their prisoner.

Whenever Joy sneaks by, I beg her to make love to my heart, unfolding her nectarous sweetness, releasing my broken spirit.

So that I may forget Fear piercing through my flesh.

Scathingly, it chases me into the crooked corners of my deepest and darkest secrets.

Forcing me to shut out the world.

Somehow my heart's quiescent voice rings upon the ears of Jesus.

And He comes to find me, pulling me to shore from bondage.

My heart shivers from bleeding, yet He covers me in His blood.

He breathes unto me, bringing me closer to my destiny.

Every once in awhile, I fall inside the gaps of my wretchedness.
Yet, Jesus comes to save me again.
And again.

And again.

And again.

Because YOU won't rescue me.

"But I love you," You confess.

YOU may. But this battlefield is only big enough for my Savior and I.

This May SHOCK You But....

2012-04-05T09:13:00.002-04:00

I am an angry, envious, egotistical ~~bitch~~.

Whoa.

Where did that come from, huh?

The Truth.

During my journey of Life this year, I have been at war with myself. Trying to find Happiness. Instead, I find coils of fear and residue of self-hatred.

NO. No. no. I am not fighting depression. I fought that years ago.

And I am not going crazy.

PAUSE.

I am simply a human. With emotions. And sometimes I wish to tell my emotions to SHUT THE HELL UP. But it is easier said than done. Emotions are powerful, efficacious, and can place some one's lifeline in jeopardy. Due to emotions, many relationships are poisoned; others are ruptured. But imagine a world without emotions. Bland. Undistinctive. Tasteless. Dull as dishwater. Emotions add color to our lives, procreating flavor. Sometimes too devilishly delicious.

Over the last few weeks, I have fasted and prayed heavily with my Father. In doing so, God has told me several things that involve my emotions.

1. God says I try to please too many folks. I don't understand why I do. People don't have a Heaven or Hell to put me in, so why am I so caught up in trying to please them?

2. God says I need to love myself more. Working on it. That's all I can say.

3. God says I need to STOP wanting what others have and start wanting what God wants for me. I have to understand that my life is curving down a different pathway than many of my loved ones and friends.

4. God says I am so angry. I need to let it go.

5. God says He is forever faithful. What's my deal?

Don't get me wrong, I am in love with my life. I feel very blessed and favored. But when my emotions run loose, I start to feel confused and conquered.

Thank God for chocolate. But I also thank God for His Grace and Mercy. The flesh is always losing, but souls that sojourn with the Lord always win and bear His fruits with exceeding joy. And I am going to continue to keep my eyes on the prize.

~~Please don't judge me~~.

27 things about me.

2012-04-04T18:49:00.000-04:00

1. My name is Tamara Je t'aime Lawrence
2. I was born in Detroit, MI.
3. I never lived in Detroit.
4. But I love Detroit.
5. I lived in the same house since I was born.
6. For years, I wanted my parents to move.
7. Thank God, they didn't.
8. I love writing.
9. I will forever cherish ballet.
10. I am infatuated with cheesecake.
11. I have the world's fastest metabolism.
12. I used to hate my dark skin.
13. Now, I love my exotic skin.
14. And my fiance' is crazy about it.
15. I won "Best Smile" in high school.
16. I started wearing weave at age 16.
17. And I still wear it.
18. I cut my hair at age 18.
19. And I cut it again at age 20.
20. And again at age 24.
21. I think I will cut it again.
22. I am engaged to a very fine brotha named Reginald.
23. You think you know me.
24. But guess what, you don't.
25. I randomly thought of writing this list.
26. Don't ask me why.
27. But thank you for reading.

God Favors Me In Spite of.... Everything.

2012-03-29T18:52:00.011-04:00

"The devil had a plan to kill me, I know but God intercepted his plan, And told the devil, NO, God blocked it. He wouldn't let it be so, no, He wouldn't let it be so...."

What kind of God would do this for me?

Daydreaming and reflecting over my blessings, I constantly ask myself this question. It just seems like I do more wrong than right. I have never lived a perfect life. And can't seem to do so either. But God has always been there and restrained my mind from giving up.

Oh, and, guess what.

I am engaged!

Truthfully, it still has not hit me that I am months away from marrying the man of my dreams. But I am sure that the day when this vibrancy settles in, my soul will be electrified with much more excitement.

Over the last few months, I have grown spiritually not only with Reginald, but with myself and GOD. My life has transpired and metamorphosed into a marshmallow of hearty goodness. All thanks to the man upstairs who I love so much. My relationship with God has incredibly ripen and thicken. We are closer than ever. In the misst of my journey with God, I have never depended on my faith more than ever in the flood of life's worries and evil.

And holding on to faith is not the easiest thing in the world to do. It is SO HARD. VERY. Especially for a champion worrier. Worry lives in my blood. But every morning when I rise, I make a decision. Choose which side I was on. God's. Or life's. Which do you think I choose?

God is such a Keeper, ain't He?

Achilles' Heel

2012-01-05T13:34:00.007-05:00

I’m nervous. Very.

Where is my confidence? Where did it go? I swear it was just here a second ago. Or was I just mesmerized by its silhouette? I am at the point of my life where I am standing on my tippy-toes, knees bent, ready to leap in the deep sea of writing, and release my first book, Snow Angels. A memoir of my life. A mystery of God’s power and mercy. A true story of my boyfriend’s battle against brain cancer. What a risk, huh?

Who am I kidding? Can I really do this? Who would really do this? These questions are circling through my brain every.single.day. It’s only a matter of time when I ….

My book, Snow Angels, is my baby. It encompasses the recipe of two souls conjoining together. Creating a masterpiece. A work of art that I am truthfully terrified of liberating to the public. Don't get it twisted. This book means so much to me. Each chapter embraces a special ambiance of the recollection of my memories within the last years.

But my question is why I am so nervous? Am I really that dangerously in love with my book that it would leave me feeling so weak and insecure in expressing my true feelings to the world? I wonder if every writer goes through this phase when preparing to give birth to their new sculpture of words. Since July 2011, I have carved the ins and outs of the earliest forms of my novel. I documented those special moments and private prayers that Reginald and I clinched upon and they have manifested into the existence of my book characters, Aubry and Charles and their unconditional love.

According to Oprah, “Whatever you fear most has no power; it is your fear that has the power.” Maybe I just need to get over it, face my fear and let go. Release.

I need to.

I need to show the world that cancer is NOT a death sentence. I need to show the world that love can transpire in people that you would lease expect it. I need to show the world my testimony of what God can do for His people. Cancer handpicks its “victims”. But God always fight back. And win.

Perhaps, I am not nervous. Maybe I am just darn selfish. Whatever it is, I am determined to break up with my love and give the world a piece of my heart. Regardless, I need to learn that I must focus my innermost energies on lessening any constraints that I may face so that I can feel that inconceivable sagacity of power and confidence that bestows before me.

I must validate myself. I am not ~~weak~~. I am a writer. And thee author of Snow Angels. Be prepared to witness.

Little Girl

2012-01-03T19:39:00.012-05:00

As a little girl, I daydreamed endlessly on how my life would become in the future. By no means had I ever thought that I would be a writer. I forever believed that I would be a doctor. I remember one Christmas, my father gave me a doctor play kit. I'm sure he’d wished he saved the receipt because I demanded his tiresome presence in my office almost every day after work. As my fascinations with remedies ripened, I became determined to be a “baby doctor.”

I never thought that I would want to be a writer. As age 5, I was tested; I could ready exceptionally fast at such a young age. And comprehend what I have read. Little did I know, words were conquering my soul. As I continue to grow, my love for writing did. But it was disguised. I pretended to dread assignments that involved essays, hiding my true passion away from the other kids. In the 6th grade, the entire class was assigned a story to write that was due at the end of every single month. And every single month, I received an A+. My stories were wild and enchanting. Who knew such a young mind could construct such enchantment. So rich. So delicious. Every single word was mine. But the thought of being a writer was disposed quickly...

I still wanted to be doctor. Until I was asked to join the student newspaper in high school, my life changed. My fellow classmates treasured the tang of my words. I was simply happy. And I still am. (Honestly, my medical days were demolished when my gross advanced science class visited The University of Michigan and I was THE ONLY ONE who was seconds from passing out unto the marbled floors while reviewing cadavers. Disgusting. The doctors made me sit outside for the remainder of the field trip. Sad.) That dream flew away anxiously and died.

Today, I feel every touch of my words. And I hope that the world does too. I am interested to see where my writing takes me. Writing erases the pain that my mind witnesses; my words hug me when I am lonely. The scars will always be there. But musing always helps bring cheerfulness and glitzy glee into my life. I may not be a doctor, but I hope to heal my readers with my words. Hence, the birth of my first book, Snow Angels. Will you witness? Stay tuned.

New Year: Same Me

2012-01-02T17:34:00.008-05:00

Oh, 2012,

Unlike most folks, there is not going to be a "new me."

I adore the old me. Matter of fact, I will always be me. My life is just starting to unfold. Not too shabby.

Sure, laces of changes will be sewed in the dotted lines of my life along with stitches of restoration. But I love who I am. The year 2011 helped me discover the woman I am and I pray that this new year welcomes me with the most scrumptious bundles of life lessons.

Ringing in the new year with The Honey, I ultimately realized that I've found the rest of my life. I strongly believe that there is no need to be a "new Tammy". Why should I do that? I plan to continue to live my life to the best of my ability unashamedly. Continue to listen to the fanciful whispers of my Savior. Continue to kiss the knotty past goodbye. Continue to allow my fears to fly away as I walk through the wilderness. Continue to forgive myself in upcoming wrecks of calamity. Continue to practice my writing and building the courage to tell the world my stories. I promise, they are worth waiting for. And essentially, I will continue to believe in the magic of true love, no matter how crazy how it sounds. Most of all, I will continue to give myself away to my awesome God.

See, there is no reason to change. I am just fine.

Truly Tammy J.