Tower of Comedy

Pirate Pick up lines

2010-05-07T15:04:00.001-07:00

"I must be huntin' treasure, 'cause I'm diggin' yer chest."

"You're just the tasty wench I've been keeping me eye out for!"

"Hey, sexy -- how about a Jolly Rogering?"

"Ya certainly put the shiver in me timber."

"See this hook? Variable speed with five alternate attachments, Baby."

"WOW! I bet we could fit SIXteen men on that chest!"

"Me skull and crossbones arn't the only thing I plan on raisin' tonight."

"Do ya mind if the parrot watches?"

"Nice poop deck on ya, lassie. Care fer a swabbin'?"

"Avast, me pretty! Strike your panties and prepare to be boarded."

"So you're the new cabin boy, eh?"

"Do you have the latest copy of Windows XP with cracked product activation?" (software pirates only)

"Yo, ho! Bottle of rum?"

"Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrre you free on Saturday?"

and the Number 1 Pirate Pick-Up Line...

"Is there an 'X' on the seat of your pants? Because it appears that there's wond'rous booty buried underneath!"

http://www.topfive.com/arcs/t5041002.shtml

getting the blonde in under three minutes...NOT

2010-05-03T14:58:00.000-07:00

I have a small winky, but a big bank account.

I just got out of Leavenworth. Can I steal you a drink? How about a BMW?

I have a dirty weekend planned. Do you know what I’m going to do? Three loads of laundry.

I’m going to commit suicide on Saturday. What are you doing Friday?

The area around this place isn’t too safe. Would you like to go on a drive by? You can have the first shot.

I tend to be a pretty responsible person. I’ve got a wife and kids…somewhere.

You’re beautiful. You remind me of Whitney Houston before she met Bobby Brown. You’re not on crack, too, are you?

I’ve just been diagnosed schizophrenic. Can I buy me a drink?

Do you know the best way to stop back pain and lose 20 pounds? Get a penis reduction; it worked for me!

I believe in reincarnation; where have you been all my past lives

Tomorrow, I’ll have enough money to buy you anything you want and take you wherever you want to go – all you need to do is drive the getaway car.

Have you ever considered having an interracial relationship? I may be white from the waist up, but I’m black from the waist down.

Women don’t understand me. They think I have more issues than Life magazine.

Men don’t understand me. They think I carry around more baggage than The Orient Express.

Would you believe me if I told you I have a house on the beach? No? How about an apartment with seven roommates in Santa Monica? That’s more realistic – and we have rent control.

If I’m not home by ten, the voices in my head start yelling at me.
Would you mind if I stalked you while you’re here? Think of it this way: You’re in a popular singles bar with your number-one fan.

Don’t mind me; people think that I’m a clown. Just watch out for these large shoes and the big horn in my pocket.

My favorite singer is Mick Jagger. He can’t get no satisfaction, and neither can I. Want to help me change that?

Would you like to sit in on my psychology class? I need something for show and tell.

I quit my job today. I was a Beverly Hills gigolo. With all the demanding clients, overtime, and hazard pay, I figured that twenty years and a few million dollars is enough!

My website is like MySpace.com. It’s called MyPlace.com; want to see it?
Did I tell you I’m filthy rich and my mother’s dead?

Remember me from group therapy? You’re the nymphomaniac, and I’m the lonely guy.

Hi! I make more money than Bill Gates.

I haven’t seen my ex-wife for over ten years. Nobody else has either; I’ll never tell.

Can I buy you a drink? I still have some money left from that bank job I pulled the other day.

Hi, I’m rich, and my name is ________.

What’s your name? (Response) Oh, I thought it was Campbell’s, ‘cause you are mmm...mmm good.

Levi’s should pay you a royalty.

I used to live life in the fast lane. Now that I’m past 60, my only thrill is getting Meals on Wheels.

Is your name Summer? It has to be, because you’re hot!

What do you do for a living? I’m a proctologist; the sign on my office door says ‘park in rear.’

You must work in a library because you just increased my circulation!
Madam, I’m Adam.

I hope I haven’t given you the wrong impression. I’m actually taller and richer than I look.

Do you work at Subway?

(In a gay bar): I just saw George Michael in the men’s room. He was asking about you.

Remember that Beatles’ song, “All You Need Is Love?” Love is great, but, at my age, I’ll settle for regular bowel movements and a good night of TV.
Want to go halfsies on a baby?

I’ve been looking for a guy with a pocket protector!

(As people leave a bar, stand by the door and say): Last chance before the freeway!

My name is ____________. How do you like me so far?

I cried at the end of “Boogie Nights.” That poor guy! He really got shortchanged!

Would you like a gin and platonic or a Scotch and sofa?

I can’t lie to anyone. I’m so transparent Stevie Wonder can see through me.

Inheriting 80 million bucks isn’t much when you’ve got a weak hear
(Speaking with a southern accent): Actually, Ma'am, ah'm not as tall as you think. Ah'm from Taixus and ah'm a sittin' on mah wallet.

Would you like to see my boa constrictor?

Hi, my friends call me Creepy. Were you a big fan of Jeffrey Dahmer too?

This isn't a beer belly; it's a fuel tank for the love machine.

"Urkuk lu Stalga." That's Klingon for "I love you baby."

You ever been with a webmaster before? It's like nothing you've ever experienced.

Once you make love to a man with Vulcan ears on, you never go back.

You, me, here...this couldn't be better if I programmed the holodeck myself.

You look just like Lois Lane in that skirt and I'm wearing my Superman underoos...it's either fate or the menacing hand of Lex Luthor at work.

Why don't we head to my bedroom, peel back my Star Wars sheets, and discover what a true Jedi can do with his light saber?

Didn’t I see you in Girls Gone Wild?

Where does this bus go anyway?

People keep telling me that I’m overweight. Just because I buy my underwear in the extra-large equator size doesn’t mean I’m overweight – does it?

I want you almost as much as I want world peace.

Do you want to go for a ride on my bike? It’s a Schwinn, and I can pedal it really fast!

People say I remind them of a cute teddy bear; I weigh 500 pounds, I’m really hairy, and I sleep all winter.

If you come home with me, we can do whatever we want – as long as we don’t wake up my mom.
http://www.pickup-lines.org/pick-up-lines/funny/

Don't use these pickup lines

2010-04-30T10:38:00.000-07:00

"Can I buy you a drink, my Aunt just died and left me 3 million dollars and I just don't feel like drinking alone tonight."

"Excuse me miss, do I know you? I'm sorry, you look like my friend Ciny Crawford."

"So can I buy you a drink or should I just give you the 3 bucks?"

"You owe me a drink!"... Response: "Why?" ... "I dropped mine when I saw you!"

"You look like my first wife." ... Response: "how many times have you been married?" ... "None yet."

"Do you believe in love at first sight, or do I have to walk by again?"

"Is it hot in here or is it just you?"

"Can I have directions?" ... Response: "To where?" ... "To your heart."

"How does it feel to be the most beautiful girl in this room?"

"I'm not drunk, I'm just intoxicated by you."

"You must be in the wrong place - the Miss Universe contest is over there."

http://hubpages.com/hub/15-Funniest-and-Dumbest-Pick-Up-Lines-Ever

W.T.F!

2010-04-29T10:59:00.000-07:00

(leaning over to whisper) I think about you when I masturbate.

Are we related? Do you want to be?

Can you say Constantinople backwards? Me neither, but I just wanted to ask.

Can you spell ICUP. I-C-U-P. You saw me pee. (laugh profusely)

Do you know how to use a whip?

Drop 'em!

Excuse me, do you live around here often?

Excuse me, I am about to go masturbate and needed a name to go with the face.

Hey babe...can you suck a golf ball through 50 feet of garden hose?

Hey babe...can you suck start a Harley?

Hi, I just wanted to give you the satisfaction of turning me down; go ahead say no.

Hold out two fingers and say: "Why should a woman masturbate with these two fingers?" (I 0don't know.) "'Cause they're mine sweetheart."

I am very, very lonely, and I was wonderin'...

I know a great way to burn off the calories in that pastry you just ate.

I'm drunk.

I'm not trying anything, I always put my hands there.

I'm on fire. Can I run through your sprinkler?

If I could be anything, I'd love to be your bathwater.

If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put you between F and CK

Like the look of your crotch.

Pardon me but I was just about to go home and masturbate and I was wondering if you'd mind if I fantasize about you?

Pardon me miss, but I help noticing that you have cum in your hair.

Really like your peaches, wanna shake your tree.

Say, did we go to different schools together?

That outfit must make a lot of noise in the dryer, huh.

What's a slut like you doing in a classy joint like this??

Why you've got the whitest teeth I'd ever want to cum across!

Would you like Gin and platonic or do you prefer Scotch and sofa?

Would you like to dance or should I go fuck myself again?

Would you like to see me naked ??

Wow! Are you really as beautiful as you seem or do you remind me of myself?

You are just truly absolutely beautiful! Can you cook and clean also?

You are so fine that I'd eat your shit just to see where it came from.

You got nice breasts, but what color are your nipples? Brown or Pink?

You know what I like about you? My arms.

You know, I'd really love to fuck your brains out, but it appears someone beat me to it.

You know, my mother says you have the smoothest complexion of anyone she knows.

You look just like my mother.

You look like a hooker I knew in Fresno.

You remind me of a girl I used to date.

You remind me of my dead ex-girlfriend.

You're 'No Parking' right? Just trying to guess your sign.

Your name is Laura, huh? Can I call you Laura? Really, what time?

http://www.linesthataregood.com/what.html

You're guaranteed to NOT get a date

2010-04-27T10:44:00.000-07:00
Are you from Tennessee? Because you're the only ten I see!

Baby, I'm no Fred Flintstone, but I can make your Bedrock!

Did you clean your pants with Windex? I can practically see myself in them.

Do you have a boyfriend? [No] Want one? [Yes] Well, when you want a MANfriend, come and talk to me.

Do you want to see something swell?

Excuse me, but you have a beep on your nose. What? (Reach up and gently squeeze her nose) BEEP!

Excuse me, I'm a little short on cash, would you mind if we shared a cab home together?

Hey babe, wanna make an easy fifty bucks?

Hi, the voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you.

I am conducting a field test of how many woman have pierced nipples.

I know I don't look like much now, but I'm drinking milk.

I'd marry your cat just to get in the family.

I've gotta thirst, baby, and you smell like my Gatorade.

My friend and I have a bet that you won't take off you blouse in a public place.

No, I'm not a cop. What can I get for fifty bucks?

Pardon me miss, I seem to have lost my phone number, could I borrow yours?

Pardon me, are you in heat?!

Should I call you in the morning or nudge you?

So, you're a girl huh?

Stand back, I'm a doctor. You go get an ambulance, I'll loosen her clothes.

Want to come see my HARD DRIVE? I promise it isn't 3.5 inches and it ain't floppy.

Would you like to come over to my place later? You can bring some friends because my face seats five.

You know how they say skin is the largest organ? Not in my case.

You make my software turn to hardware!

You're so hot you melt the plastic in my underwear.

The worst is yet to come

2010-04-26T13:25:00.000-07:00
Do you have a Bandaid? Cos I just scraped my knee falling for you.

Do you have a map? Cos Honey, I just keep gettin lost in your eyes.

Do you think I could borrow that dress sometime?

Girl, you gotta be tired coz you been runnin through my mind all day.

Got two nipples for a dime?

Help, somethings wrong with my eyes - I just can't take them off you

Hey baby, you must be a light switch, coz every time I see you, you turn me on!

Hi, I'm the new Milkman. Do you want it in the front or the back?

I think I feel like Richard Gere - I'm standing next to you, the Pretty Woman.

I'm sick. My medicine is to talk to you.

Was you Father an Alien? Cos honey on planet earth there's nothing else like you!

You're eyes are bluer than the atlantic ocean and baby, I'm all lost at sea.

You're like a dictionary - you add meaning to my life!

You're so hot you melt the plastic in my underwear.

http://www.humorsphere.com/sms/corny_pick_up_lines.htm

The pickup lines get worse

2010-04-25T11:53:00.000-07:00
1. "Excuse me are you a virgin?" "No" "Then can I have the box that it came in?"
2. "Hey baby can I tickle your bellybutton from the inside?"
3. "He pretty thing, are you looking for a job?" "No." "Well I'd like to have you on my staff anyway!"
4. "Just call me milk because I do a body good."
5. "Hey baby wanna f@%k?" "No." "Don't be picky, I wasn't."
6. "Baby you are looking phat!" "What?" "P-H-A-T pretty hot and tempting!"
7. "If I jumped on your back would you beat me off?"
8. "I'm gonna have sex with you tonight, so you might as well be there."
9. "Is there a rainbow outside your house? "No why?" "Because you're the treasure I've been looking for."
10. "Is your name Gillette?" "No why?" "Because you're the best a man can get!"
11. "Hey baby 69 means dinner for 2."
12. "Do you work for UPS?" "No why?" "Because I saw you checking out my package."
13. "If you were a tear in my eye I would never cry for fear of losing you."
14. "Can we play house? You be the door and I'll slam you!"
15. "Come here and sit on my lap and we'll get something straight between us."
16. "If I wrote the alphabet I'd put U and I together."
17. 'What could be so wrong in heaven that an angel like you is here on Earth."
18. "Your body's name must be Visa because it's everywhere I want to be!"
19. "I heard that milk does a body good but DAMN girl how much milk you been drinking?"
20. "Why don't you come over and sit on my lap and we'll talk about the first thing that pops up."
21. "I'd really like to see how you look when I'm naked."
22. "How are you?" "Fine how are you?" "Would you like to find out?"
23. "I seem to have lost my virginity, can I have yours?"
24. "I forgot my phone number, can I have yours?"
25. "Quick, I need 50 cents! My mother asked me to call her when I fell in love."
26. "The word of the day is legs, so let's go back to my place and spread the word."
27. "I wish you were a love buffet so I could lay you on the table and take my pick."
28. "Is your name Candy?" "Why?" "Because you are looking so sweet."
29. "If beauty stank you'd be the sh!t!"
30. "Hey do you like fruit?" "Yes why?" "Well suck this, it's a peach."
31. "Do you want to play elevator?" "What's that?" "It's up now, wanna go down on it?"
32. "Is your daddy a thief?" "Why?" "Because he stole the stars out of the sky and put them in your eyes."
33. "Damn there must be something wrong with my eyes!" "Why?" "Because they've been stuck on you all day!"
34. "Do you know why girls masturbate with this finger? (hold out index finger) Because it's mine!"
35. "Would you like to play Pearl Harbor? I'll be America, you be Japan and blow the hell out of me!"
36. "Would you sleep with me?" "No." "Have another beer."
37. "Do you have the time?" "Why do you have the energy?"
38. "You seem shy." "The only thing I'm shy of is two inches from a foot."
39. "F@%k me if I'm wrong but I know you want to kiss me."
40. "I love every bone in your body especially mine."
41. "Is your daddy a baker?" "Why?" "Because you got some nice buns!"
42. "Just call me Toyota." "Why?" "Because I love what you do for me."
43. "Are those space pants you're wearing?" "Why?" "Cause your a$$ is outta this world!"
44. "Hey baby you know what looks good on you?" "No, what?" "Me!"
45. "Wanna go get a pizza and f@%k?" "No." "I'm sorry, you don't like pizza."
46. "I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?"
47. "Sit on my face and I will eat my way to your heart."
48. "Would you like to dance?" "No." "I guess you didn't hear me right, I said your a$$ looks mighty fat in those pants!"
49. "If I said you had a beautiful body would you hold it against me?"
50. "If you and I were squirrels would you let me bust a nut in your hole?"
51. "Excuse me, but do you believe in premarital sex?" "No." "Well I'm married so let's f@%k!"
52. "Baby if you were a booger I'd pick you first."
53. "Excuse me could you give me directions?" "To where?" "To your heart."
54. "F@%k me if I'm wrong but isn't your name Gretchen?"
55. "I've got the ship, you've got the harbor, what do you say we tie up for the night."
56. "That dress looks good on you, but it would look even better in a crumpled up little heap on my bedroom floor tomorrow morning."
57. "That dress is very becoming on you. If I was on you I'd be coming to."
58. "I have the F the C the K and now all I need is you."
59. "If God made anything better looking than you he must have kept it for himself."
60. "Let's do some math! Add you and me together, subtract our clothes, divide your legs, and multiply."
61. "Is your dad a terrorist?" "Why?" "Cause you da bomb!"
62. "Is your name Campbell's?" "Why?" "Cause you are Mmm mmm good!"
63. "Do you sleep on your stomach?" "No." "Can I?"
64. "Did it hurt?" "What?" "Falling from heaven."
65. "Can I get a picture of you?" "Why?" "So I can show Santa what I want for Christmas."
66. "Are your feet hurting?" "Why?" "Cause you've been running though my mind all day."
67. "Was that love at first sight or should I walk by again?"
68. "Damn I need a broom!" "Why?" "Because I'm about to sweep you off your feet."
69. "Do you wash your pants with Windex?" "Why?" Because I can see myself in them."
70. "Nice shirt. Can I help you get it off?
71. "I heard you're good in bed." "From who?" "Me. I thought I'd find out for myself."
72. "Do you know there are 265 bones in your body. I could show you how to get one more in."
73. "You must have great bandwidth!"
http://home.pon.net/sunflower/FunnyStuff/WorstPickUpLines.htm

Worst Pickup lines ever!

2010-04-23T11:43:00.000-07:00
When you date as many prostitutes, strippers, and junkies as I do, it's nice to finally be going out with a classy woman like you!

That Big Mac and fries cost $5.24. That means when we go to my place later you owe me $5.24 worth of poontang.

If we're stopped by the cops this is your brother's car and you don't know what's in the trunk!

There are three words I want to tell you...."You're Too Fat."

Remember when the stripper comes over I do the tipping.

Are you one of Charlie’s angels, or one of Satan’s skanks?

(Man to woman): Wow, you kiss like my sister.
(Woman to man): Wow, you kiss like my father.

My wife doesn't mind that I have girlfriends. They usually baby sit the kids when I take her out.

If you’re into booty, my butt is so big, I could moon Europe!

Do you want to go for a ride in my car? It’s a hot rod!

I usually date attractive girls, but I've decided I really should be with someone more like you.

Wanna free my willy? It’s a whale of a job.

Let's cut to the chase baby…how much?

So let me get this straight, yes means yes, and no means tie you up, right?

Know anywhere to hide a body?

All the voices in my head agree: You look beautiful.

Baby, you look so good I'd bang you in front of my wife's attorney.

I had to kill my (boyfriend/girlfriend) last week. I had to put (him/her) out of my misery.

No need to buy any popcorn, I snuck this whole bucket of fried chicken skin into the movies so we could eat for free.

So which movie do you want to see? "Lord of the Rings?" I heard that was good! I'll be watching "Black Hawk Down". I'll meet you in the lobby when it's over.

I can't believe the car broke down. Could you walk to a service station and call a cab?

Didn’t I see you on the cover of Cosmo?

I don’t like to wear nylons. When I fart, it looks like I have epilepsy.

I got divorced today. I was kind of down before, but it’s OK now; she’s still my sister.

Let’s get hammered, and then I’ll nail ya!

Want a tic-tac? (No, thanks.) Please! Take one!

(To a middle-aged person) At our age, what can we count on in life? Depends, I guess.

(Holding a quarter) Heads it’s your place; tails it’s mine.

What’s with the unibrow look?

Didn’t I see you at Overeaters Anonymous?

Whatever you’re thinking, I hope it’s X-rated.

Which one of you gals wants to come home with me and cook dinner

http://www.pickup-lines.org/pick-up-lines/worst/