A Year in Thailand

Closing up shop!

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Mon, 17 Oct 2011 11:03:00 +0000

This blog has tottered along over the past 12 months like a drunk at 2am, occasionally bumping into things but for the most part just muttering to itself and swaying, but it has finally arrived back home and gone to bed. Living in Thailand is now behind me, so this blog will no longer be updated.

However, I have made a new blog for my upcoming Malaysian adventure, which starts in January 2012. It is The Penang Blog, and at the moment it mostly just consists of a few summary posts, but I'll be adding content and certainly after I move to Penang there'll hopefully be something good to read on a regular basis.

Bee Pee Tee See Free

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Fri, 29 Jul 2011 20:55:00 +0000

Having made a grand total of 1 post about the BPTC I thought I might make another now that I've finished. I finished with a VC.

More interesting things to follow...

Bar Professional Training Course (BPTC)

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sat, 26 Mar 2011 22:46:00 +0000

I've totally neglected this blog since I got back to the UK and started the BPTC, but I decided to try and get back on it.

Given that the BPTC started in September and it's now almost April, it's too late for a blow-by-blow account of what it's actually like the do the course, but I'll try and do retrospective summaries of what the various modules were like, because that would have been very useful for me to have had before I started the course.

For now, I have to say the course has been extremely enjoyable. It's vastly different to doing a degree in Law. The BPTC is far more practical than the degree. That's almost a non sequitur because the degree didn't involve any level of practicality whatsoever, it was basically entirely academic. On the BPTC you have to use the law, it's the tool with which you work, but whereas in the LLB reeling off a long list of cases or statutes got you through, on the BPTC what really counts is how you actually use that law, and for many people that's quite a challenge.

Personally, I love it, because actively solving a practical problem using the law is far more interesting than reading reading reading endless cases with nothing really coming from it in the end.

Anyway, if you plan on doing the BPTC you'll need meaty forearms to handle the numerous heavy books we get given, so you should click on the link below and buy a pair of Fat Gripz.

Genitals Covered in Ants!

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sat, 18 Sep 2010 19:42:00 +0000

I just found this photo on my laptop. Basically some animal got killed and its man-parts were hunt up on the fence to dry in the sun or something. The red ants got wind of this and completely covered it. I thought they were going to build a nest!

Naturally, I molested them, and found that when I pointed me finger at them, they'd all face it, and as I moved it, their heads and gnashing jaws followed simultaneously. Creepy.

That's That.

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Wed, 08 Sep 2010 07:37:00 +0000

I'm back in the UK.

Of course it is sad to leave Thailand, but there's nothing stopping me from going back, it's just a case of waiting.

I've been eating some of the things I missed while away, including steak and pizza, but I haven't been out much because I immediately got sick coming back. Once I'm better I'm looking forward to seeing friends thought. I'm sure I'll get sick of it soon, but the weather is pretty interesting. Rain doesn't depress me and mist is pretty cool.

I guess the question is, what becomes of this blog now? I suppose I could use it to write musings about Thailand, or as a diary of my voyage through the year-long course to become a barrister. I'll have to see how I feel.

Amazon.co.uk Widgets

15 of my favourite memories

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sat, 04 Sep 2010 05:35:00 +0000

In just 3 days I will be back in the UK and naturally I have mixed feelings about that. It's been a fantastic 13 months during which I've learned and laughed and loved, improved my Thai and (I think) avoided intestinal parasites. Here are some of my top memories. I'm sure they have more meaning to me than to anyone who reads this (who does read this anyway?) but here we go:

1) On my first day in Bangkok, being shown to a room on the roof of the guest house I was supposed to rescue. A room which lacked ceiling height walls, had a corrugated iron roof and was filled with miscellaneous junk. This was to be my control room. How I was expected to use the toilet or wash I'll never know.

2) Going to the Royal Park for the Queen's birthday and being surprised by the devotion of the people camped out in the field, only to find out they were actually all homeless.

3) Being abused by a deranged girl on a bus downtown, only for her to turn up on Khao San Road months later, pregnant, and in dire need of the toothpaste and pizza that only I could provide.

4) Causing a woman to break down in tears and threaten to resign by creating a room booking chart (that in fairness was actually logical and easy to use, unlike the one she used) and showing it to her, suggesting the hotel use it.

5) Seeing the King, Queen and extended Royal Family in the flesh on the King's birthday, something most Thai people haven't done.

6) When an elephant pulled my head into her mouth and licked my nose. Bear in mind an elephant's tongue is enormous.

7) Discovering that a 4 month old elephant does have teeth and does bite. Having my fingernail surgically removed as a result.

8) Talking to a prostitute for two hours until she got bored and angry with me and told me to get lost.

9) Eating dog meat over 100 times, and often seeing the dog beforehand. Once I attempted to batter and deep fry the meat. I didn't try a second time.

10) Spending Christmas in a hill tribe village, and being invited to write about it in a guide book which might be published!

11) Spending two hours trying to get home during The Troubles. Soldiers everywhere. Shooting causing roads to be shut off. Sneaking around police roadblocks and driving down empty streets on the back of a motorbike taxi.

12) Buying a dog by the kilogram and then keeping 14kg of dog as a (great) pet.

13) A Belgian holocaust-denying guest whose rationale involved photo-duplication and the fact that some modern Jews speak German. I only made two non-Thai (or Burmese) friends in the 13 months I was here and I think most of that was because of the Belgian.

14) Every policeman in Thailand telling me England lost 4-1 in the World Cup, whilst squeezing my arms.

15) Racing through winding, deserted mountain roads on a motorbike at 5am in Pai/ปาย (which is not pronounced "Pie") to see the "sea of clouds" over the mountains. Doing so whilst singing Colours of the Wind from Pochahontas and using leaves as insulation from incredible cold. On the way home in the evening, a 1.5 ltr bottle of petrol in the front basket exploded and went all over me.

Cash Cow

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Thu, 02 Sep 2010 05:53:00 +0000

Last night I was told to immediately finish my fried eggs and dried fish dinner because there was some excitement happening and it was imperative to go and see it.

Basically, there's this 14 or 15 year old girl who decided to test just how effective wishful thinking was in preventing pregnancy when engaging in unprotected sex with multiple (at least 4) cheeky chaps in the local area. The results are in and they're not surprising, and the issue is just what to do about a pregnant 15 year old.

The army came to act as dispute-resolvers and naturally the meeting between the girl, her mother and the fathers of the various boys (who were absent and probably out trying it on with other 15 year old girls) was conducted in full public view with a crowd of onlookers. The with-child teenager was dolled up in her Sunday best but didn't contribute to the negotiations, which boiled down in the end to cold, succulent cash.

The gist of the meeting was that all of the fathers agreed to pay the girl's mother some money to apologise for the under-age sex and avoid police prosecution and that when the paternity test confirmed the unlucky father, his family would have to pay even more money. No suggestion of marriage, apparently.

Niiiiice.

...our business model is the trapezoid!

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Thu, 02 Sep 2010 05:31:00 +0000

Thailand is a country full of poor people who lack quality education. Those who went to school are the product of a top-down system that in general discourages the question “why?” and prefers that people accept what they are told. In the general public there is limited exposure to or interest in the wider world. The country features high levels of corruption, particularly in police and regulatory agencies. This is therefore the perfect recipe for... pyramid schemes!

Amway, Nutrilife, Zulian and now some other company whose name I forget are all working hard in Thailand and thousands of people are huge amounts of money... or so they'd have you believe.

As I write this, a woman, Pyramid Lady, is sitting down with a small crowd of interested listeners, telling them how for just a small initial investment, they'll be able to earn really rather fantastic amounts of money each month – some 20-40k baht at a minimum (someone working full time in 7/11 will earn around 7,500).

I have the general disadvantage here that I'm just a foreigner so despite my (perceived) enormous bank account, I don't really know anything. Luckily, a lady from the village who has moved away and opened various businesses in Thailand and has been invited to work in a 5-star hotel in Korea has come to visit for the new year, and she shares my scepticism so can back me up. Her disadvantage is that she's just a woman.

It's a little bit insidious for these companies to target the poor and uneducated so I'll do my best to convince the victims not to part with their money once Pyramid Lady has left. The problem is that the very things that make them good targets for these schemes make it difficult to explain the truth to them. None of them have asked “If one can earn 40k+ baht every month doing nothing then a) why is Pyramid Lady spending 2 hours in a village up a mountain trying to get people to join and b) if she's on an amazing enough salary to justify doing a), why has she turned up in a cheap old pick-up truck?”

“There are some things like toothpaste and soap that people need to use every day”

Correct, and surprisingly, people have realised this already and created companies and products like Colgate, Darley, Lux and and Sunsilk, then spent millions on building up that brand. The listeners don't seem to be asking themselves “why would many people help make me rich by buying some unknown brand of expensive toothpaste when Darley costs 10 baht in every shop in the country?” I've heard her saying several times “If you don't like selling things, you don't have to!”

They're also being wowed with maths featuring big numbers and no one seems fussed about the the fact that 50,000 x 100% = 5,000

Sadly, the few who have ended up squandering what little money they have despite my attempts to persuade them otherwise didn't ask “How is is possible that I could earn more than people who've been to university and got a job with a big company, without doing any real work?”

Don't think this is an indictment of the people of Thailand. There are plenty of people in the UK and other first-world countries, coming out of first-world education systems and falling for exactly the same too-good-to-be-true-but-go-for-it-anyway schemes. They don't have any excuse. If you've ever helped or seriously considered helping out a Nigerian millionaire and have yet to reproduce, think carefully about the over-population of the world and what your contribution to the gene pool would be.

Visitors from another world!

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Fri, 20 Aug 2010 01:35:00 +0000

On the 23rd of July my mum and sister braved what turned out to be the thoroughly uncomfortable experience of Air India to come visit me in Bangkok*

I had to go back into full-fledged tourist mode for this, and I came to find that we tourists do a whole lot of walking! Our whistle-stop tour of Thailand included:

Checking out the arson-victim Central World Pratunam shopping mall, where the best cineplex I've ever been to was destroyed. The loss of SF cinema was the only injury I suffered during the red shirt crisis. We also looked at MBK and Paragon, and rode canal boats (much cheaper and faster than taxis and should be crammed with dread-locked backpackers at those prices, who could compete with the certainly-not-crystal-clear-azure canal water for the “Most Offensive Odour” award)

A day out at the Ancient City in Samut Prakan, a park shaped like Thailand with replicas of various attractive architectural feats from around the country. You ride around on bikes (or golf buggies if you are wealthy or lazy). If you go on a busy day, however, be prepared to have your bike repeatedly stolen and replaced with some horrible little grey contraption by a moron. A moron who, despite the truly enormous selection of new and well-maintained bikes available at the entrance (including tandems, which are less likely to be stolen), elected to ride something you'd expect to see abandoned in a ditch - in a slum in Mogadishu. When my tandem was finally stolen, the brake line on the replacement snapped almost immediately.

Several days at the beach at Hua Hin. Phuket (Foo-ket, according to almost anyone white I've ever heard say it in Thailand) this and full moon that, but Hua Hin is close to Bangkok (2-3 hours), has a very nice, clean beach and isn't completely rammed with young Lonely Planet-totting hedonists raving about buckets of rum and how “This is Buck from America, we met him in Bangkok last month, then again Siam Reap at the guest house, then again in Luang Prabang at the guest house, then again in Hoi An at the guest house and also in Ho Chi Mihn city at the guest house, then this afternoon again on the Ko Sarn [sic] road.” More families and older couples at Hua Hin.

The only downside to this trip was that a broken tile in the swimming pool (the sea was too salty for my tastes so most of the swimming was in the hotel pool) sliced my right big toe open, which bled both copiously and enduringly.

Having insidiously wormed my way into the hearts and minds of the people at Taweechai Elephant Camp (in Kanchanaburi) we went to stay there for a few days to enjoy the elephants. Staying in a house belonging to the son of the camp's owner, we spent our time riding, bathing and feeding the elephants, as well as playing with the camp's baby elephant. Unfortunately, as he is approaching his first birthday, he is now far too big for me to wrestle with, but he remembers our daily battles and yearns to show off his new techniques (He has mastered his accuracy problems in slapping you with his trunk, which he proudly demonstrated on my face while I was looking away).

Iranian readers will be interested to know that the forthcoming cinema epic, “The Maritime Silk Road” features one of the elephants from the camp. Many Thai shows also use the camp because of it's proximity to Bangkok, and while we were at the camp the elephant my sister had bathed that afternoon (also the father of my friend the 300kg baby) was on such as show, which was mind-blowing.

Finally, we went up north to the village I live in. This was the most worrying part of the trip because it's not an “indoor-plumbing” village and the toilet is basic. I love it. My mum and sister seemed to manage fine with it in the end, though probably didn't enjoy it.

Think about it like this: You were walking along and tripped over like the clumsy bean you are, and managed to put one of your hands, or even just a finger, in a pile of excrement of the animal of your choice! Damn. If the Microsoft Paper-clip popped up and said “I see you're covered in faeces. Would you like some tissue or a bucket of water?” Which one do you think would be cleaner? So what makes the bum any different?

*Something I find quite odd is that it is only foreigners who refer to the capital of Thailand as Bangkok. All 60 million + Thais call it (roughly) Grung-Thép. Yet Thailand happily translates กรุงเทพ (Grung-Thép) into Bangkok, which as we say it should look more like บังคก. Whilst many country names are not the same in the native language and in other languages (Japan/Nippon, Thailand/ Pratét Thai to name just two English examples) cities are generally given their native names, albeit with slightly different pronunciation. Bangkok/Grung-Thép an aberration!

Burn the witch!

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Thu, 22 Jul 2010 10:52:00 +0000

Ever the intrepid adventure, when it was suggested that I try some Akha healing techniques to try and help speed up my shoulder getting better, I jumped at the chance, even though since that "tribe" programme whenever I think of traditional medicine the words "penis inversion" always spring to mind. I didn't ask for a detailed explanation of what would happen, but I was told that it would hurt.

It turned out my shoulder would essentially be repeatedly stabbed with a red hot metal spike, before a black paste derived from the bone of a mountain goat would be applied to the branded shoulder, which would then be slapped with a small bamboo paddle.

The actual stabbing was admittedly 3 bouts of around 20 pricks each, which was relatively unpleasant, as I felt and heard my skin melt and fizzle. That said, it didn't hurt much.

I don't know what the black paste derived from a bone does, but my guess is that the branding stimulates blood flow to the area, which speeds up the healing process. I'm told that if it's not better tomorrow I will have 5 rounds of pricking, then the next day 7, then 9.

Definitely an interesting method of healing and we'll see if it helps before I have to undergo 20 rounds and get slapped with a larger paddle.

The most exciting day!

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Wed, 14 Jul 2010 15:08:00 +0000

My last post featured soldiers arresting drug dealers AND a poisonous snake, but today had much more up it's sleeve!

The dog truck, a pickup with a rusty cage in the back filled with dogs, arrived in the village, and because both of our dogs here died recently I thought a new one was in order, so I bought a dog! The price was 35 baht per kilo (since these dogs were meant for killing) so I now have 14kg of dog!

I knew I had to be careful with buying a dog like this because who knows how it has previously lived. I saw how mine was pretty calm in the cramped cage and decided it had a good attitude. It (She) still got very angry at the rough handling the villagers provided in transporting her to the garden. Never one to be afraid of an animal bite I set about befriending her. I left some water and nibbles, let her smell my hand and left her for an hour while I had dinner. After, I went and gave her some fish, which she took from my hand without snatching. A fine temperment indeed. She eventually snuggled up to me. I'm sure in a few days she can come off the leash.

13 might be unlucky for some but it was an excellent day for me.

Guns!

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Wed, 14 Jul 2010 07:00:00 +0000

This post is about drug dealers and guns. You can skip down to the actual facts which I've marked with some stars ********, if you don't want to read the background. You should read it though.

The North of Thailand is part of what is called the "Golden Triangle". One reason for the second half of that name is that the borders of Thailand, Laos and Burma intersect in a triangular shape. The reason for the first is that until recent decades, the region produced enormous amounts of opium. Afghanistan is the #1 producer these days, but the Golden Triangle (more on the Burmese and Laotian sides) still churns out plenty of product and I do believe it's still number 2. As a result, the army has a great presence up here, as opposed to in Bangkok, where the army is rarely-, wait, that's a bad example. As opposed to the south, where the army doesnt-, scratch that one too. My point is that because of the proximity to the borders and the drugs, the police don't work in the village, the army are the law enforcers.

Regardless of what millionaire generals and politicians in Bangkok are up to, I have to say that I really like the soldiers. They can often be seen passing through the village, managing to somehow run uphill in baking heat, or more sensibly on motorbikes or trucks. I've spoken to them several times when groups of them have stopped here and they've been very nice. People in Thailand generally view the police quite negatively because of the endemic corruption in the organisation. The fact that in many cases the pe.rson with the most money has the police on their side is a big hurdle for the state to overcome. But the villagers all seem to like the soldiers, so perhaps the whole bribery and extortion thing doesn't happen as much with them.

*********

This morning I was happily reading away on my laptop since I no longer have to take care of the baby chicken (more on that to come) when I found out that there were three drug users in the village. They came last night and someone went into one man's house. When he found out they had massive amounts of drugs, he told them to leave and they wouldn't. They spent the whole night smoking opium, apparently, and simply would not leave. The audacity. So this morning the man requested the help of the head of the village. He called the army, and not even 10 minutes later a humvee and 11 soldiers armed with M16s and handguns arrived in the village. Serious business, this drug enforcement game.

About 20 minutes after going to apprehend the three men, the soldiers came back and everyone came to look and laugh at them. Two were handcuffed together, but the amusing thing was that the third had been fitted with a comedy baby/dog hardness in case he tried to run away. The soldiers said no photos, so here is my artist's impression:

It doesn't really convey how pathetic it looked, but never mind. The soldiers loaded the men and their goods (including a sizeable amount of cash) and a motorbike into another truck and headed off to Mae Sai to incarcerate them.

A very exciting morning, no doubt!

And it didn't even stop there! While I was writing this, a poisonous SNAKE was discovered cavorting evilly in a tree. A tree right where the children play. Think of the children! It was summarily shot. I can't even begin to imagine what will happen tonight, though I wonder if it can top last night's mosquito fumigation.

Haircuts! Chickens! Tickets! Oh my.

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Tue, 13 Jul 2010 10:39:00 +0000

I haven't made a post for ages because I haven't had the internet, but I've been in Thailand for 350 days today, with only 4 days in Singapore and a 15 minute sojourn in Burma. I don't regret spending 99.9% of my time in one country. It's just 54 days until I fly back to the UK to begin the Bar Professional Training Course, but though I'll be very sad to leave Thailand, in many ways I'm looking forward to going home. I'm flying with Air Asia from Kuala Lumpur. My flight has no entertainment, no meals included, rubbish baggage allowance and none of the other lovely things you get on one of the Arab carriers. The plus is that this one way ticket cost just 8,000 THB, or £140. I have to get to Malaysia first but it's still a great price.

I got a hair cut the other day and the barber insisted I choose my style from the display on the wall. I turned to face the photographic selection of late-1980s hair styles so faded the human eye would be unable to see them correctly if they hadn't been so awful.

I eventually saw a more recent photo of a man on a magazine sticking out of a draw, and asked for that. Naturally the result was nothing like the photo. For £0.80 I'll live.

A baby chicken "imprinted" onto me the other day (it was a late hatchling) and so I'm trying to keep it alive. The main problem with chicks is that if they get cold, they die. During the day that's not a problem and I basically chuck him into the vegetable garden I made, sprinkle a load of food and then occasionally play with him, but at night it gets cold. I'm having to approach mother chickens tucking in for the night, distract them with one hand and stuff the little black baby under her with the other. Both foster mother and child are too stupid to work out my trick, at least so far. I'm about 80% sure this chick will die at some point so I'm not giving it a name.

Useless Police

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Thu, 24 Jun 2010 13:10:00 +0000

At some point back I wrote a post complaining about how I watched an astoundingly useless attempt by police not wearing body armour to arrest an amphetamine criminal in a car at traffic lights. Having approached with no weapon drawn, while halfway into the car the officer attempting the arrest was shot and later died, and the criminal fled.

My suggestion was that when police are trying to arrest someone selling a drug which some 2,000-3,000 people were extra-judicially executed for involvement with 5 years back and which at the best of times carries heavy jail time, and that drug is one which reportedly makes people go nuts and one can assume the criminal is using his merchandise, and one is in a country where firearms are widely available... they should TAKE CAUTION.

The nice explanation given on the news after this incident where army officers wearing body armour approached a vehicle with weapons drawn obviously hasn't filtered down. Today on the 19:40 news the police had found a shop that was apparently being used for amphetamine distribution with a hostile criminal inside (though I didn't catch all of the info on that). With the crowd standing a safe 2 metres back, an armed policeman not wearing body armour approached the metal elevator-style grill of the shop and started trying to kick it open (Thai people are usually stronger than metal so I don't know why it didn't work in this case, which may just be an exceptional mishap). Doing this exposed himself the criminal who promptly shot him.

People like to have a good moan about how corrupt and useless the Thai police are, but look at the system they work in. Low wages, poor equipment budgets, (lethally) poor training, silly hats, and most importantly a deeply entrenched culture of financial corruption and lack of accountability and transparency that goes to the very top. This environment is undoubtedly going to attract people who are not aiming to be bastions of justice, and it's going to let them get away with it. This is at the expense of the average person and society and the nation as a whole.

I've always generally been a pro-police person (being anti-police in the UK seems an untenable position to me) but apart from discovering that large amounts of some sort of garlic mixed with chicken makes me vomit and that I actually like being sober, living in Thailand has made me appreciate the British police much more. They're not perfect and there is massive room for improvement, but they're a damn sight better than what you get elsewhere!

Reader Competition!

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Wed, 23 Jun 2010 08:50:00 +0000

If you can guess what sport I was watching on ESPN when I heard the commentator say ""wow, the judges are gonna stoke him out with that one" I'll award you with a full interview on any subject of your choice and publish it here.

Remember, my blog receives over 500,000 hits per month, this is a great chance for you to get yourself out there!

Stupid Khao San Road

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Tue, 22 Jun 2010 16:44:00 +0000

It rained tonight, which naturally caused Khao San Road and many other places to flood, because of inadequate drainage systems / drainage systems clogged up by the plastic waste that results from the lack of proper public trash cans. I've always cursed forgetting my camera when the road floods, but I happened to get my life in order tonight.

My, what big...

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Fri, 18 Jun 2010 07:56:00 +0000

Mega Gecko. The wood it it half resting on is 5 inches wide, so it's close to 30cm long. This thing never sleeps. It makes a lot of noise. First it produces a croaking sound (twice), then 5-7 "IIIH-OHH" noises. This caused me a lot of bother when I first moved into the house because I would constantly dream someone was talking to me, only to wake up and find it was the damn Mega Gecko. This thing can follow you anywhere. I once stuck a stick in Mega Gecko's face and instead of fleeing, he bit it.

Mega Banana. Not much to say about this really, just a very chody banana.

Your the Best English Teacher Every!

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Mon, 14 Jun 2010 06:38:00 +0000

Just seen an example of some really high-quality english teaching. Without any assessment of the student's ability to speak english, he hands out workbooks on suffixes, writes some instructions (in English, and to be honest I couldn't read or understand them) and sends the kids off.

I know this is blue-sky thinking, but it would be nice if they could teach the children to speak english and pronounce "th" before explaining what the "en" in "whiten" means.

Sigh.

Dream This!

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Fri, 11 Jun 2010 06:22:00 +0000

Everybody dreams. It's a demonstrable fact. Yet, everyone knows someone who claims that they do not dream. You might even be the person who tells people you never dream.

The reason people think they don't dream is that their dream recall is far worse than average and they just don't remember what they dreamt about.

I've been keeping a dream journal, which is just a pad and pen by my bed, and when I wake up during the night and in the morning I make a big effort to remember and write down what I dreamt about. This helps improve recollection of dreams, which is useful if you want to try and have lucid dreams.

Anyway, I do wake up to some fairly amusing scrawlings of the message I took from the dream or a snippet of content on the paper. Some of my favourites include:

"Pig sleep better with a dry mouth"

"Bevel your house.
Bevel your house.
Bevel your house."

"Eminem newspaper misquote leads to dry accusations"

"Loads of dwarfs dancing outside parliament. The public must also dance foolishly to prevent them asking awkward questions of politicians."

If you can't remember your dreams and would like to get in on the action, all you need is a pen and paper and some willpower.

By the way, I once met a girl who openly called me a liar when I said I had a friend called Dave who could lick his own elbow. She said it was impossible and I was lying in front of the group. She was so confident that I was wrong that to rub it in, in front of everyone she tried to lick her own elbow. And she succeeded.

Reflex Mega Matrix Ultra Anabolic Catabolic Hyperbolic Diastolic Protein Powder

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Thu, 10 Jun 2010 12:20:00 +0000

Protein powder is very expensive in Thailand and it's also unnecessary given that you can eat meat and eggs for very little cash. Nonethless, I like eating powder products, and a little while ago I came across this powdered milk stuff for children over 3 years old. It's advertised all the time on TV so for £6 for 1.1kg I thought I might as well. It's actually pretty nice, has lots of vitamins, various omega fatty acids and is 20% protein, so not bad. I get funny looks when I eat it though. It would taste good mixed with real whey.

Stop Cheating on Me...

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Wed, 09 Jun 2010 11:05:00 +0000

Most people returning from a 3 week trip to Thailand will be wearing half-inch thick cataract-style rose-tinted glasses, and most will tell you about how honest the Thai people are. This post isn't about the way Thai people openly point out aspects of your physique to you (What? I have a big nose? Are you SURE?! In 22 years I've NEVER touched my face or seen a reflective surface. But - oh my god! - there it is!) or the seemingly instinctive urge to overcharge foreigners many Thai people have. Instead, it points out that: People who think Thailand is the land of honesty have never encountered... Schoolchildren.

In Thailand, appearances are very important. Style over substance isn't a bad thing. Better to turn up to work and do nothing at all than not show up. Better to dress nicely and perform poorly than not shaving and do well - Just look at what websites for prospective english teachers is Thailand outline as tips to get a job
1) Speak english
2) Wear a shirt and tie and shave in the photo you supply in your application
3) Be white.

Anyway, the style over substance notion applies in schools - it's preferable for students to complete homework and get a top score than for them to understand it. This basically means answer copying from the few actual good students is incredibly rife. I see it myself. Even in higher education, the extent of plagiarism riles western teachers.* It's just acceptable.

Today, I was asked to help with some English homework. By "help" I mean "complete." The student whose book was presented to me was not in sight and I asked what the point in me doing this was - how was anyone going to learn anything - and refused to do it. This got a bad reception and I was the bad guy!

If the emphasis is simply on completing homework by any means, actual education goes out the window, endorsing dishonesty and laziness at the same time.

10 years in that sort of educational environment MUST carry over into adulthood. Wouldn't you agree?

To any argument that says this is just a cultural difference and no better or worse than western education, I say this: In Thailand, you need a university degree to work in a 7/11. That's the quality of education that results from this pedagogical environment.

*The above is less applicable to the top 3 in Bangkok and possibly the university in Chiang Mai.

Ebook Readers (for Law Students especially)

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Tue, 08 Jun 2010 09:05:00 +0000

This isn't a review of an Ebook or eBook or whatever device because I haven't bought one, yet.

I was quite sceptical about the idea of a little gadget that wanted to replace paper books but having looked into it a bit, they do actually seem like a good idea. The biggest thing to point out is that ebook readers don't use a screen like a laptop, pc or iPod. They use electronic paper technology called E-Ink, which involves capsules containing black or white pigment being excited by electrical current. The result closely mimics real paper, so it can be read in full sunlight, just like a real book. Though many ebook readers boast other features like being able to download books off the web, play audiobooks or have newspapers, journals or blogs delivered straight to them, for me the main reason to buy one is because of the paper-like display.

I am, or was, a law student (I will be again in September) and a big part of that is reading cases, which in this modern age are all accessed online. The problem I had was that reading a very long judgement on a laptop screen was quite uncomfortable. My eyes got tired and though I wouldn't necessarily get a headache, it was general tiring and unenjoyable to be hunched over at my desk, squinting at text on an LCD screen for extended periods of time. When faced with reading several judgements, articles etc... I admit that I would end up skimming. The fact was that you didn't really need to read the whole of every case. For the most part you could just learn "Principle X is supported by Case Y" and maybe throw in a quote from a judge, which was easily gleaned from textbook or internet case summaries. This is quite sad in a way because by reading every case I think I would have had a better understanding of the law in general, would have read many more journal articles and would likely be a bit smarter than I am now.

You might say that I could have just printed the cases off. The problem is that if the average judgement is 20-40 pages long and every day you are shown 5-10 new cases, if you were going to print them all off you'd end up with 20,000+ A4 sheets in a single year. First you have to pay for them, second you have to find somewhere to keep them.

Because I'm starting the Bar Vocational Course or whatever they've decided to rename it in September, there'll be a lot more case reading to do and I'm confident that if I can download a load of judgements, articles and statutes to an electronic piece of paper as thick as a pencil, it will almost be like the old days where law students read cases in books, except I'll be able to do it anywhere, especially as the battery life of the readers is 1-2 weeks.

The cost of decent ebook readers is coming down to around £150 and whilst that seemed like quite a lot to me, I think it's actually worthwhile, if you're going to be doing a lot of reading. I haven't even mentioned reading real books.

Here's an example of what this E-ink looks like. Pretty much just like paper, right? If anyone has an ebook reader, please let me know what you think of it.

You only have 1 hour to live...

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Mon, 07 Jun 2010 01:42:00 +0000

You wake up in a dirty, windowless bathroom, chained to a rusting metal pipe on the wall. This is like Saw. In the centre of the room is a computer with a message on the screen:

You have been poisoned. Unless you take the antidote within 1 hour you will die. I will dispense the antidote if you use the computer to create a remix of a song that would enjoy great success in Thailand.

The evil genius didn't count on you reading this though. To create a successful Thai remix, select a song. Then use "the beat." There is only one beat used for a thai remix. I kid you not, the same beat is used for every single remix. It features a "1-2" beat and an occasional drum flurry. Speed up the original song and finally lay a man saying "huhhuhhuhhuh" over the top of most of the song.

You've just completed a thai remix as good as any you will hear on a commercial radio station and it only took you 6 minutes. Enjoy your antidote and future success as a Thai DJ.

Crossing the border to smuggle pepsi and shampoo into Burma

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sun, 30 May 2010 14:08:00 +0000

As every dirty immigrant who goes to live in Thailand for an extended period of time, the government doesn't welcome you with open arms. 30 day visas are given on arrival from airports, but only 15 days from land crossings. This means you get some people who have to leave the country every two weeks!

I am only required to leave every 90 days and the Mae Sai border is only about an hour away. Still, ever the tight-fisted git who'd rather not pay $10 for a 2 second stay in Burma, I tried to beat the system. Having left Thailand, instead of going over the bridge to Burmese immigration, I just walked over to the incoming immigration office and tried to get back in.

I was 99% clear until the immigration officer opened by passport and searched hopelessly for my stamp from Burma. He sternly told me to go to Burma first. When I told the guys at the other end I wasn't shopping in Burma, they seemed a little sad.

So whilst there's no requirement to actually enter Burma, you do still need a stamp from their immigration.

Islamic Fundamentalists Call for Death Penalty, Misunderstand what the UN is.

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sun, 30 May 2010 02:29:00 +0000

In many Thai villages, there is a megaphone on top of a big pole. This appears to be a source of much anger for many expats who get married and move into villages. The reason is that the megaphone is used to blast out very distorted and loud messages that the village has no choice but to hear, usually at 6am and often several times a day.

I can understand why this would be annoying and I was worried about this when I moved to the village. Luckily the speaker is only used once, at 6am here, opening with a song, and since I go to bed at 9.30 it's no problem and it's nice to wake up to a tune. The point of this rambling flow of words is that this morning, for some reason, they decided to use a song by Akon. So I woke up wanting to make up right now, na na and wishing we'd never broke up right now na na.

While buying pig food to keep the pig I massage alive, a taxi man called me over to translate for two whiteys who were having problems. They wanted to go about 36km up the mountain but didn't want to pay 400 baht. Given that there's no guarantee of a return fare and he's driving a pickup that probably does 12 miles per gallon, that's actually a fair price. Anyway, for some reason, when the two people asked me questions about myself, I told lies. I said that I was a doctor and that I was on holiday for 3 months. I don't know why. Do you?

Finally, the second tallest person in the village (after me) was collecting honey and got stung in the face by bees. His face got all swoled up and when I saw him I laughed so hard. It reminded me of when this slightly uppity lady who drove dangerously opened a bottle of pepsi and it fizzed. Instead of closing it, she fully opened the bottle and it went all up in her face and all over the meal.