Tploy Jokes

Funny facts of life

Sat, 11 Jul 2009 18:44:00 +0100

Funny facts of life
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it!)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(OMG)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(don't do this at home. maybe at work.)

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My Birthday

Sat, 11 Jul 2009 11:20:01 +0100

One man explaining to another why he fired his secretary. "Two weeks ago," he said, "was my forty fifth birthday and I wasn't feeling too hot that morning anyway. I went into breakfast knowing that my wife would be pleasant and say "Happy Birthday" and probably have a present for me. She didn't even say "good morning" let along "Happy Birthday".

I said "well that's wives for you", the children will remember. The children came into breakfast and didn't say a word. When I started to the office, I was feeling pretty low and despondent.

As I walked into my office, Janet said "Good morning boss - Happy Birthday". I felt a little better, someone had remembered.

I worked until noon. About noon she knocked on my door and said "You know it's such a beautiful day outside and it is your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and I." I said "by George that is the greatest thing I have heard all day, lets go".

We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go. We went out into the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously. On the way back to the office, she said "you know it's such a beautiful day, we don't have to go back to the office, do we?"

I said "no, I guess not."

She said "let's go to my apartment." We enjoyed another martini and smoked a cigarette, and she said "boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable."

I assured her I didn't mind at all.

She went into the bedroom and in about five minutes she came out carrying a big birthday cake followed by my wife and children. All were singing "Happy Birthday" and there I sat with nothing on but my sock
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Blonde Teenage Girl

Fri, 10 Jul 2009 17:51:15 +0100

A blonde teenage girl, wanting to earn some extra money for the Summer, decided to hire herself out as a 'handy-woman' and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

'Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch,' he said. 'How much will you charge me?'

Delighted, the girl quickly responded, 'How about $50?'

The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage.

The man's wife, hearing the Conversation said to her husband, 'Does she realize that our porch Goes ALL the way around the house?'

He responded, 'That's a bit cynical, isn't it?'

The wife replied, 'You're right. I guess I'm starting to Believe all those dumb blonde jokes.

Later that day, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

'You're finished already?' the startled husband asked.

'Yes, the blonde replied, and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.'

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her along with a ten dollar tip.

'And by the way,' the blonde added, 'it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus.' **

Hillbillies and Texans

Sat, 09 May 2009 01:42:37 +0100

Three Hillbillies from West Virginia and three Texans are traveling by train to the Super Bowl in Florida. At the station, the three Texans each buy a ticket and watch as the three Hillbillies buy just one ticket between them.

"How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asks one of the Texans.

"Watch and learn," answers one of the Hillbillies.

They all board the train. The Texans take their respective seats but all three Hillbillies cram into a toilet and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train departs, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The Texans see this and agree it was quite a clever idea. After the game, they decide to copy the Hillbillies on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). At the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Hillbillies don't buy a ticket at all!!

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed Texan."

"Watch and learn," answers a Hillbilly.

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Blonde Auto Repair

Wed, 06 May 2009 03:28:54 +0100

A blonde was driving home after a game, and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents. So the next day she took it to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard and all the dents would pop out.

So the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. She blew a little harder, and still nothing happened. Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said, "What are you doing?"

The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tailpipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.

Her blonde roommate rolled her eyes and said, "Ooh, like hello! You need to roll up the windows first!"

Color Test

Wed, 06 May 2009 02:42:00 +0100

I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her.

I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me and always she was correct. But it was fun for me, so I continued.

At last, she headed for the door, saying sagely, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these yourself!"

Cough Medicine

Fri, 27 Mar 2009 15:01:36 +0100

The cold season is upon us, so be careful what you take!!!

Read and heed:

So, the owner of this drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against the wall. The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?" and the clerk goes, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative," and the owner goes, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with a bottle of laxatives!" and the clerk goes, "Of course you can! Look at him: he's afraid to cough!"

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Economic Stimulus Payment

Tue, 24 Mar 2009 06:42:54 +0100

This year, taxpayers will receive an Economic Stimulus Payment. This is a very exciting new program that I will explain using the Q and A format:

Q. What is an Economic Stimulus Payment?
A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.

Q. Where will the government get this money?
A. From taxpayers.

Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
A. No, they are borrowing it from China. Your children are expected to repay the Chinese.

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7 degrees of Blonde

Tue, 24 Mar 2009 06:39:27 +0100

FIRST DEGREE

A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The very blonde wife picked up the phone, listened a moment and said 'How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!' and hung up.

The husband said, 'Who was that?'

The wife answered, 'I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear.'

SECOND DEGREE

Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, 'Hmm, this person looks familiar.'

The second blonde says, 'Here, let me see!'

So, the first blonde hands her the compact.

The second blonde looks in the mirror and says, 'You dummy, it's me!'

THIRD DEGREE

A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.

The boyfriend yells, 'No, honey, don't do it!!!'

The blonde replies, 'Shut up, you're next!'

FOURTH DEGREE

A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, 'Go ahead, ask me, .. I know 'em all.'

A friend says, 'OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin ?'

The blonde replies, 'Oh, that's easy . it's W.'

FIFTH DEGREE

Q: What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?

A: 'Is it mine?'

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The Terrorist and the Cork

Tue, 24 Mar 2009 06:30:05 +0100

Two terrorists are in a locker room taking a shower after their bomb making class, when one notices the other has a huge cork stuck in his butt.

"If you do not mind me saying," said the second, "that cork looks very uncomfortable. Why do you not take it out?"

"I regret I cannot", lamented the first. "It is permanently stuck in my butt"

"I do not understand," said the other.

The first says, "I was walking along the beach and I tripped over an oil lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a huge old man in an American flag attire with a white beard and top hat came boiling out.

He said, "I am Uncle Sam, the Genie. I can grant you one wish."

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