Traditional Girl in a Modern World

Modern Man According to the Media

2010-12-22T12:34:00.000-05:00

Sexism in the media is not a new topic. It's been a problem since the dawn of corporate advertising, but is often discussed in the context of sexism against women. Today I want to shine the spotlight on sexism again men in advertising. Before I start though, I want to make clear that by drawing attention to sexism against men, I am not downplaying the problem of sexism against women, which is a serious issue, but an issue for another post. I understand that even in the ads I'm highlighting below for sexism against men, there's also pretty blatant sexism against women. I understand that this continues to be a pervasive problem, but I also believe that sexism is sexism, regardless of who is being stereotyped. It's not a competition, and even if sexism against women is more prevalent than sexism against men, it doesn't make sexism against men any less important. So, with that little disclaimer out of the way, let's begin.

When I think of the portrayal of men in contemporary advertising, I can think of two primary stereotypes. In ads that are trying to market products to women, men are often portrayed as the dependent, bumbling, inept husband who can hardly even dress himself without the guidance of his wife. In advertising that aims to sell products to men, men are typically portrayed drinking beer, watching sports, and surrounded by supermodels - feeding the stereotype that this should be every male's fantasy.

This ad below from the 1950s makes it onto a lot of 'top 10' lists as one of the most sexist ads of all time. It's not surprising - the sexism is blatant and obvious - and I'm sure we can all agree that this ad would never be allowed today.

But wait, let's take a look at another more recent ad, a TV commercial this time:

Maybe it's just me, but I'm not seeing a huge difference between the phrase "You mean a woman can open it?" and "So easy, a man can do it". Well, except for the fact that the first ad ran in the 1950s, and the second ad ran in 2009. The second ad was also reported to the Advertising Standards Authority. 700 times. Despite these complaints, the ASA ultimately ruled that the ad "was light-hearted and comical", and "did not portray either gender in a way that stigmatised, humiliated or undermined them by using harmful stereotypes".

Now I enjoy a good parody. I think poking fun can be totally harmless if done well, But I do have a problem with double standards. A lot of people argue that this is 'obviously an over-the-top parody' - and I would agree in this case - IF I genuinely thought the same ad could run with the roles reversed and still pass for parody. To me, this doesn't say witty satire about gender roles in the modern age, it says tasteless low-budget attempt to use conventional stereotypes to sell a product. And if you do see this as a parody, a parody by its nature is making fun of something, so that reinforces the fact that the portrayal of men as helpless and incompetent is prevalent enough in advertising to warrant satire.

I'm trying to think of a context in 2010 where an advertiser could get away with using the phrase "so easy, a woman can do it" - even if it was intended to be satire - and I can't say anything's coming to mind. If you ran an ad about power tools or barbecues or do-it-yourself oil changes or any other stereotypically 'male' domain and used that line to sell it, there would be outrage and I have a feeling the ASA wouldn't call it comical. THAT is where it becomes a problem for me - that the standards aren't being applied consistently.

I don't have it in my blogging budget to actually film my reinterpretation of that commercial, but here's my rough breakdown of how it would go.

A woman is standing next to her car with a vacant expression on her face while her angry-looking husband stands next to her, rolling his eyes and tapping his foot angrily, holding a bottle of motor oil. Suddenly he slams the bottle against her chest, while a voice-over says "X Motor Oil - So easy, a woman can do it!". Meanwhile, the woman begins changing the oil in her car with an overjoyed expression on her face while her husband continues to glare at her menacingly. The ad wraps up with the voice-over repeating the tag line, while a disclaimer goes across the screen saying "No women were hurt in the making of this ad". Maybe I'm wrong, but I honestly couldn't imagine an ad like that even making it to air, let alone passing the screening of the ASA.

Sadly, this isn't an isolated example. Here's a few modern classics:

Pushing your partner out of a moving vehicle and leaving them lying in the dirt? Totally hilarious - as long as it's a woman pushing a man out of a car. This ad never would have made it past the brainstorming session if the roles were reversed and the ad featured a man pushing his girlfriend out of a moving car.

Ah, the classic "I do everything around here because my husband and children are useless slobs" sales pitch, which for some reason continues to successfully sell products to women.

Because we all know dads can't cook...

And then there's just this.

http://www.wilsonsalmanac.com/images/voodoo.jpg

Again, reverse the roles. Would an ad featuring a man walking with two naked women on leashes be allowed? No. Yet, this ad ALSO received multiple complaints for sexism, and the complaints were all thrown out by the advertising authority because the ad "represented a satirical comment on a patriarchal world".

To me, equality of the sexes is about equal respect, not equal disrespect. Equality is not about fighting to see who can be more offensive for the sake of payback or revenge. Objectifying men won't make up for the fact that women have been objectified for centuries. It's a twisted, backwards reaction to a serious social problem. Marilyn French once reflected that "men seem unable to feel equal to women: they must be superior or they feel inferior". I wonder if that's what fuels the problem on both sides - an inability to truly grasp the concept of a world where there is no dominant gender, where women and men are actually equal, not constantly battling for superiority? In order for progress to truly be made for equality, we need to learn what equality actually feels like, and fight the notion that there always has to be somebody winning and somebody losing.

Shaming Ourselves

2010-12-20T14:18:00.000-05:00

It's time to talk about shame. About how we use shame in our everyday lives to validate our own choices by invalidating others. About the fact that somebody else's choice doesn't have to be wrong for ours to be right. I've talked before about the importance of choice, and now I want to talk about using that power to choose responsibly and respectfully. Choice is everybody's right, not a right reserved for those who make the same choices as us.

theyololife.blogspot.com

This problem certainly rears its ugly head among both genders, but I find it's especially prevalent among women. I don't think the problem is new in the age of the internet, but the anonymity of the internet certainly makes it more obvious.

It plays out in so many ways. You want to be a stay-at-home mom, but fear being judged, so you immediately need to defend why being a stay-at-home mom is better, at the expense of those who make a different choice. Suddenly being a stay-at-home mom is the virtuous choice, while being a working mom is selfish. Or in reverse - you want to be a working mom, but in a desperate attempt to distinguish that choice as the best, stay-at-home moms become lazy, or submissive, or betrayers of feminism. This shaming of other women results in everybody feeling guilty or insecure in their own choices. It benefits no one.

And it doesn't just affect parenting. It affects every aspect of our lives. If you choose to get married young, you'll constantly hear statistics about how young marriages are more likely to end in divorce. If you get married when you're older, you'll hear all about how hard it will be to have kids or how 'all the good ones will be taken' if you wait too long. If you want one child, you'll hear about the latest study that shows only children are lonely and self-centred. If you want 8 kids, you'll hear about overpopulation or the depletion of the world's resources or welfare-dependence. And don't even get me started on what you'll hear if you don't want to get married or have children, full stop. You want to raise your kids in the country? Oh, but they'll miss out on all the cultural opportunities that the city offers, and the lack of diversity will make them ignorant or racist. You want to raise your kids in the city? You can't do that, it's dangerous to raise your kids in the city, and they won't learn good values.

It's bred out of defensiveness. People become defensive because others insist on being judgemental.

But here's the thing, we become judgemental and defensive, which perpetuates this cycle, when competitiveness takes control of our lives. I've written before that marriage isn't about keeping score, but I think it's also important to point out that life isn't about keeping score either. What's 'best' should be what's 'best for us', not 'best in comparison to everybody else'. The choices that everybody else makes are their business, and theirs alone.

We also put unrealistic expectations on ourselves. The constant quest for perfection, for the 'best' life and 'best' choices is enough to make anyone second-guess their decisions. And by second-guessing our own decisions, we become desperate for validation that they're the 'right' decisions. And the easiest way to assure ourselves that they are the right decisions, is to prove to ourselves and others that all other decisions are the 'wrong' decisions. Can you see how this quickly perpetuates a vicious, competitive cycle of right versus wrong in a world that's really not that simple?

Not everybody is guilty of this, but a lot of us are, at least to some extent. The next time you catch yourself saying - or in this modern age - typing something that bashes another individual's choices for their own life - ask yourself whether you're really being constructive, or just trying to build yourself up at their expense.

I've used this Howard Thurman quote before, but I'll use it again, because it's one of my favourites and very relevant to this topic: “Don’t ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive". Live your own life. Stop keeping score. You'll be happier for it.

*Disclaimer one: I use the term 'working mom' because of how it flows, not to insinuate that stay-at-home moms don't 'work'.

**Disclaimer two: I'm not suggesting that every woman does this, and when I say 'you', I don't mean you specifically. Again, it's used for the overall 'flow', not to specifically point fingers :)

Financial Management for the Newly Independent Part 2: Our Favourite Tips

2010-12-10T11:26:00.000-05:00

In part 2, we'll talk about some of the everyday money-saving tactics my partner and I use to make the most of the money we do have. Some of these tips take almost no effort, and others are a bit more labour intensive (but worth it, in our opinion).

http://www.younghouselove.com

Groupon and Dealfind
One of my favourite tips is not for shopaholics, or people with no self-restraint :) If you think you can control yourself from purchasing things you don't need, I highly recommend you sign up for groupon.com or dealfind.com, or both, if they're both available in your area. I use Groupon the most, so I'll explain that one in more detail. Basically the way it works, is you sign up and select your city (or city closest to you, if you're rural like us), and provide your email address. Then, every day you get an email from them with the 'deal of the day', which is always at LEAST 50% off the regular purchase price of a good or service in your city. If you want that particular deal of the day, you go to the groupon site and purchase the coupon, and then print it out and take it to the business in question in exchange for the item in question. It's called 'group'on because a certain number of people have to purchase the deal before it becomes effective, but in my time using it, I've never seen the minimum cut off not be met. This site can get you huge discounts on meals at restaurants, groceries, services, and so on. The reason I say you need self-restraint to use it, is that you're only actually saving money if you're using it to buy things you would have bought anyway. So for example, if you normally eat out at a restaurant once a month, it's worth it to buy one groupon a month for restaurants if they come up (there's one deal per day, it's not always for restaurants), and you are saving money, but if you don't normally eat out, then you're spending extra money that you wouldn't have otherwise spent.

$5 Jar
Another tip my partner and I recently started using is a $5 jar. Lots of people have change jars, but they take a long time to add up. My partner and I made a jar that we keep on our desk for $5 bills and toonies. At the end of each day, we put any $5 bills or toonies we have in our wallet in the jar (unless it's reserved for something specific, ie. you know you need milk tomorrow, and you're saving the $5 for that). The money adds up quickly, and we use it for any large expenses that aren't in our usual budget (like a trip to Barrie to see my partner's family, or Christmas shopping). We found that the small bills and toonies in our wallets typically went to non-essential expenses, like stuff from the vending machine at work, or picking up a magazine at the store (we've since subscribed to our favourites, much cheaper) - so both our wallets and our waistlines benefit from not having those toonies or bills in our wallet, where they're easily accessible.

Our next few favourite tips are good for both our finances and the environment, a cause that's important to us. Double benefit!

DIY
One of the easiest way to save money around the house is to make your own household cleaners. All those bottles of surface cleaner, glass cleaner, bathroom cleaner, kitchen cleaner, etc, add up, and they don't last particularly long either (at least not if you like a clean house). A 2.5L bottle of white vinegar on the other hand, costs about $3, cleans just about anything, and lasts forever. 1 part water mixed with 1 part vinegar will clean and disinfect just about every hard surface in your house (except marble!), from the kitchen, to the bathroom, to your floors and windows. And most importantly, the 'vinegary' smell vanishes as soon as it dries, and just leaves a natural clean smell. Lemons are also great, especially for polishing metals and cleaning up soap scum or hard water deposits. Baking soda is also a great cleaner for really tough stains. Sprinkle baking soda over the stain (say in a really dirty oven) and let it sit, then scrub it off with steel wool and warm water (obviously don't do this on surfaces that are easily scratched). Our total cleaning arsenal costs us only a few dollars a year, and keeps harsh chemicals out of our house.

Break the Consumption Cycle and Reuse!
From early childhood, we learn the phrase 'reduce, reuse, recycle', but many people forget about the first 2 parts, and focus on the recycling. Recycling's great of course, but reducing and reusing are essential parts of the cycle as well. In a culture that's obsessed with having the latest 'it' thing, it can be hard to break away from consumption and constantly buying new 'things' for your home. One thing we found suprising was how quickly the desire to constantly consume faded when we got rid of television. It wasn't a decision we made specifically to avoid consumption, but that was the side effect. I didn't realize how much being constantly bombarded with 'buy me!' ads was affecting me until they were gone. Now everything in our apartment (except for our bed) is second-hand, the 'reuse' part of reduce, reuse, recycle, and we love it. It's eclectic and it doesn't necessarily match, but it works, and we really enjoy scouring kijiji and antiques markets to find that perfect piece of furniture when we're in need of something, and it's fun to repurpose something old into an entirely new creation.

Learn to Cook
Chris and I love to cook, so that makes this last tip a little easier for us than it would be for someone who doesn't know their way around a kitchen. For many reasons, financial, ethical, environmental, and health-wise, we started making most of our food from scratch. Pre-packaged foods are expensive, as are pre-made sauces, baked goods, pre-seasoned meats, etc. Making food from scratch can save you a lot of money, especially if you learn to eat in season and locally, which is also good for the environment. Making certain things from scratch involves a certain level of commitment to save you money. For example, making bread from scratch saves you a lot of money IF you do it regularly enough to justify buying all the ingredients in bulk. If you don't, homemade likely costs the same or more than buying it at the store (although it tastes much better and has no preservatives, but that's another story).

Since this is a cause Chris and I are committed to, it's worth the labour for us, but it won't work for everybody. If you truly hate to cook and bake, this tip simply won't be practical for you. However it's a great money-saver for the chefs or chefs-in-training out there. We eventually hope to make everything completely from scratch. We're learning how to can and preserve, and are very fortunate to have access to a good sized plot of land for next summer so we can grow a lot of our own produce. We bake our own bread, and are learning how to make other bread products, like tortillas from scratch. We make all of our sauces and marinades from scratch as well, and enjoy having creative control over the flavours. We're learning how to make our own soups and stews, and learned a great tip for making stock economically (and without all the sodium!). Every time you cut up a vegetable, there's often little bits left over that you don't eat (like the end of carrots). Instead of tossing these out, throw them in a container in the freezer. These are perfect for making stock! Once you have enough saved up in the freezer, you can toss them in your slow cooker (or in a heavy pot on the stove if you don't have a slow cooker) and make an extremely economical, low-sodium stock that you can use for soups, stews, gravies, and marinades.

Anyway, there's the (wordy) overview of our favourite financial tips - if you have a favourite tip that wasn't included here, please share it in the comments! I love learning new ways to be frugal :)

Financial Management for the Newly Independent Part 1: The Basics

2010-12-10T10:36:00.004-05:00

Being frugal or thrifty often gets a bad rap, and is seen as a boring or stifled way to live your life. It doesn't have to be that way. My partner and I live a fairly frugal lifestyle, without sacrificing a rich social life, comfortable home life, great food, or travel. I thought I'd share a few of our favourite tips for living a happy, frugal life. This is a long post, but this information has completely changed my financial situation for the better, and I believe it's worth explaining in detail.

http://www.theconfidentmom.com

Our Situation
First of all, a little about our own financial situation. We are by no means wealthy. One of us makes a couple of dollars above minimum wage, but has benefits, while the other makes a few dollars more, but has no benefits and is in a higher tax bracket, meaning our take home pay at the end of each month is not substantially different. Combined, we have about $35,000 in student debt, and as of March 2011, we will have no consumer debt (very excited for that milestone!). I acknowledge that we have certain financial advantages - we have dual income, we live in a rural area, which significantly reduces our housing costs (our lovely home would cost at least double what we pay if it was in an urban area), our driving records are flawless and as a result we have very low insurance rates, but I still think the majority of the following tips are applicable to everyone, regardless of how similar or different your financial situation is to ours.

Understanding Money
First and foremost, a basic understanding of banking and finances is essential to good money management. Do you know your credit score? More importantly, do you know what financial decisions affect your credit score, and which don't? Did you know that opening a new credit card lowers your credit score? Did you know that closing an old credit card lowers your credit score? Did you know that holding a balance of more than 30% of your credit limit on your credit card really, really lowers your credit score?

Of course, you can't simply never open or close a credit card to protect your credit score, but timing is everything. Opening or closing a credit card will cause an immediate hit to your credit score, but it will almost immediately start improving from there. This means it's a poor financial decision to cancel or open a credit card immediately before applying for a big loan, as your credit score will be lower than usual when applying for the loan, meaning your interest rate will be higher. A difference of only a couple of points in your credit score can cost you literally hundreds of thousands of dollars over your lifetime on a big loan (like a mortgage) so a basic understanding of credit and credit scores is one of the most important financial steps you can take.

Another key financial concept to understand is compound interest. Compound interest is when interest is added to the principal (meaning the original money you put into a savings account), and then that interest that's been added to the principal ALSO earns interest, and then the interest on the interest earns interest, and so on. This has a ripple effect, meaning the earlier you start investing money in savings, the faster that money increases in value. Here's an example. If you started putting $100 a week into savings when you were 25, and you were getting a 6% return on investment (which is a high interest return in this economy, but that's not really the point here), you would have $868,146 upon retiring at 65 (40 years later). However, if you waited only 10 years to start saving, and started saving the same amount at 35, you'd have $437,604 at 65, or roughly half of what you'd have if you'd started only 10 years earlier. The younger you are when you start saving (no matter how little you're saving) the faster that money will multiply.

Saving vs. Debt Repayment
A word about saving. No matter what your financial situation, you should always have an emergency fund. While you should always make at least the minimum monthly payments on all your debts, any extra money should go into savings until you have at least $1000 for emergencies in the bank. After that, whether you should be investing more of your money into debt repayment, or into savings, depends on your specific situation, and your interest rates. In our case, putting a substantial amount of our monthly income into savings, while only making slightly above the minimum monthly payments on our student debt, makes the most sense for us because the amount of compound interest we'll earn on the savings we invest in our 20s significantly outweighs the amount of interest we'll PAY on our student loans, which have a low interest rate. This is NOT the same for everyone and you need to either calculate it for your own situation, or talk to your banker to figure out which is best for you. For some people, especially people with high levels of consumer debt (which tends to have very high interest rates), you're better off focusing on debt before savings, at least once you've got your emergency fund established. Figure out what's best for you and do your research, rather than copying our model exactly.

Getting Organized
Now, on the topic of saving - a lot of young people in fairly low income brackets often believe they can't afford to put any money in savings. For some people this is true, but for many it's not. The first step in establishing whether or not you actually can afford to save is to get your finances organized. My partner and I honestly believed we had no extra money that could go into savings, until we signed up with www.mint.com, now we save almost 1/3 of our income every month. I know I sound like an infomercial at the moment, but hear me out. Mint.com allows you to link all of your bank accounts, credit cards, loans, etc to one site, so you can see all your finances clearly laid out in front of you (it's safe, and was recommended to me by my bank). It tracks all of your transactions, and allows you to categorize all your spending, and then lays it out in tidy graphs so you can see where most of your money is going. The very first thing my partner and I realized, was that almost 1/4 of our income was going... well, we don't know where. Almost 1/4 of our income fell into the category of 'uncategorized' - meaning we couldn't remember where it was going - likely to things like coffee at work, lunches bought in the cafeteria instead of brought from home, little impulse purchases at the grocery store - basically 'stuff' that hadn't added any value to our lives, but was eating up a lot of our income. We also realized we were spending an obscene amount on groceries.

Mint.com helps you set up really effective, straightforward budgets, and by doing this, we realized that once we had budgeted for all of our essential expenses, as well as a bunch of fun expenses like dinners out, shopping, and so on, we still, in theory, had a lot of money left over. This was the money that was getting wasted each month, so we opened a high interest savings account and started putting that amount directly into savings each month, right on pay day, before we could miss it. And frankly? We haven't missed it. At all. We don't even notice it's gone, yet a third of our income is going into savings each month, bringing us rapidly closer to our goals of travel, and eventually buying a house. And all it took, in our case, was organization. I highly recommend everyone at least try it. Worst case scenario, you find out you really don't have any money left over for savings, but best case scenario, you discover you do!

Since this is getting very long, I'm going to break it up into 2 posts. Now that you've got the basics, the post following this one will talk about some everyday money saving tips that we use that have really worked for us.

The (Non) Pursuit of Happiness

2010-09-06T21:11:00.001-04:00

I read some simple, yet powerful words today. "Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be." Abraham Lincoln.

There is an awful lot of truth in those words. Save for exceptional cases where mental illness interferes with one's ability to choose their own happiness, the average person has a lot more control over their happiness than they choose to acknowledge. Every day we're given the opportunity to make a choice. We can choose to focus on everything we don't have, and be miserable, or we can choose to focus on everything we do have, and be grateful. What you find very quickly is that choosing gratitude by default leads to choosing happiness.

Photo: my own

Many people spend their lives pursuing happiness without recognizing that happiness is an entity to be created, not acquired. It is a shift in mindset, not a shift in income, health, love, or social status that makes us happy. When we take responsibility for our own happiness and acknowledge that we are the only ones who have the right or power to influence our own happiness, everything else in life will start to fall into place.

Many people drift from day to day without ever giving a second thought to happiness. They often only think about it when they're in a negative state of mind and lamenting their lack of happiness. So many people spend their lives worrying about filling other people's needs, filling the world's needs, while abandoning their own. One of my favourite quotes of all time, a quote by Howard Thurman says: "Don’t worry about what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive and do that. Because what the world needs are people who have come alive."

Photo from: www.aarp.com

This quote can be applied to just about every aspect of your life. The people you love will be happiest if their loved ones, you included, are happy. It is not selfish to be happy, it's quite the opposite. Happiness is contagious. It has been scientifically proven that people who surround themselves with happy, positive people show a dramatic increase in their own level of happiness, whereas if the same person surrounds themselves with unhappy, negative people, they report a substantial drop in their overall happiness. This means choosing happiness is not only beneficial to your own health, but also to the health of those you surround yourself with.

Simply stating that we should all choose to be happy may come across as oversimplifying the world's problems, but before you knock it, I dare you to try it. Don't go to bed at night until you've taken a few moments to think about what you're grateful for, rather than wasting those precious quiet moments on negative thoughts or worries. If you do this every night for a month and don't feel any happier at the end of it, I'll be genuinely surprised.

I think James Openheim said it best when he said: "The foolish man seeks happiness in the distance; the wise grows it under his feet."

Wife is Not a Four Letter Word

2010-08-10T09:56:00.000-04:00

Originally, this post and the post I wrote yesterday were one big, long, hybrid post. However I realised they likely work better as stand alone pieces, so here's part two!

In a world where 60% of university students in North America are women and 77 percent of women between 25 and 54 are employed outside the home, becoming a wife is not the economic necessity it once was. The majority of adult women are economically independent, or at least have the necessary skills and education to support themselves.

As a result, most women now enter into marriage as a personal choice, as opposed to a social and economic inevitability (this is not to suggest that marriages in the past were devoid of romance or love and were simply economic transactions, but rather that economic necessity played a more prominent role in the past than it does now)

However, as this shift has occurred, the word ‘wife’ has taken on some negative connotations, and many women have come to see being a wife as a negative concept, a sacrificing of their identity and independence. This problem has become so pervasive that there are now entire self-help groups dedicated to helping women who are either married or engaged who can’t accept the idea of being called a wife.

For many women, the word wife draws up images of a submissive, unhappy, housebound woman with no independent thoughts or goals or passions. Women are encouraged to be career driven and work outside the home, and while there's value in that, it should not be to such an extreme that women feel weak or backwards if they choose to be a stay at home wife or mother. You can work outside the home and be a fabulous wife, however it is often the women who choose to stay home who really struggle with the social norms that suggest they are betraying feminism if they choose to take on the more traditional role of a wife.

If a woman is happy and fulfilled in the workforce, she should be encouraged to pursue that avenue for her future. However if a woman finds herself drawn to the home, and feels she would be happiest taking on the traditional role of a wife and stay at home mother, she should not be discouraged or accused of throwing away her potential.

Some people thrive in the corporate world. I don't. After a long day at work surrounded by ringing phones and bright lights, dealing with people and going to meetings - I come home tired, cranky, and listless. I feel unmotivated, and have no energy or inspiration to play music or write or take photos (which are usually my greatest passions).

On rare days that I'm able to stay home for the day, no matter how hard I work cleaning, cooking, organizing, grocery shopping, running errands, and various other tasks taking care of my household, I finish the day feeling happy, energized, and inspired. I feel like myself.

Equality doesn't mean all women should enter the workforce. Equality means everyone, men or women, should be equally respected for their chosen path, whether it involves working outside the home, being a stay at home spouse or parent, or a combination of the two.

Unfortunately, to many people a love of all things domestic and distaste for the working world is considered submissive and a step backwards for feminism, despite the fact that for many liberated, well-educated women (and for some men too!) this is their genuine preference.

But honestly, when you look back at your life, you'll care less about whether people approved of how you ran your marriage or lived your role as a wife, and more about whether you lived the way you really wanted to.

Marriage Advice from an Unmarried Woman with No Authority on the Topic

2010-08-09T21:25:00.003-04:00

You will often hear people say that for a marriage to be successful, you have to learn to compromise. I think this is true, but I think there is some misunderstanding about what compromise means. Marriage is not 50/50, it's 100/100. Compromise doesn't mean you both spend your lives only getting everything you want halfway. If you give 50% of your commitment and love and get 50% of your partner’s commitment and love back, you’re still just getting 50% out of your relationship, no matter how strongly the math suggests otherwise. Compromise means you both put 100% effort into encouraging, supporting, respecting, and loving each other, without allowing self-interest or personal gain to interfere.

A happy relationship and marriage is not about give and take. It’s not about doing the dishes only if he vacuums the living room, or mowing the lawn only if she does the laundry. It’s about having enough genuine respect for each other that you both genuinely desire to contribute equally to the relationship. And equal contributions do not mean you draw up a list of contributions and divide it down the middle, it means you work out a way of doing things that makes both of you happy and fulfilled and leaves no room for resentment or accusations. A successful marriage is not about keeping score.

A successful marriage is a marriage that is entered into because both involved parties are truly committed to commitment. Both parties genuinely can’t imagine a future without their companion by their side, encouraging them and inspiring them. A successful marriage is not entered into because one party has daydreamed about their fairy tale wedding since they were three, or because it’s the right thing to do, or because you’re settling and figure you should get married because everyone else is doing it.

There is nothing wrong with daydreaming about your perfect white wedding as long as the wedding doesn’t become more important to you than the marriage it precedes.

In a happy marriage, you do kind things for each other not because you want something in return, or because you feel it’s expected, or because it’s what a good wife/husband does, or because you’re submissive, but because it brings you genuine joy and happiness to do so. It is not a sign of weakness or subservience to be of service to others with no self-interested motivation, but rather a sign of genuine strength.

Marriage is not about treating your significant other like a work in progress, or a project to be molded in your image and improved. Marriage is about encouraging your partner to be the best version of themselves, not the best version of you. Marriage is about loving someone completely rather than striving to perfect them, and recognizing that leaving dirty socks on the floor is not an act of spite, but rather a character quirk that you once found endearing. Personality is easy to see and is often what people fall in love with, but personality can change and evolve over time. If you take the time to learn and understand your partner’s true character, and truly love and respect the character you see, then you genuinely love who they are, rather than who they portray themselves to be. Falling in love with character, rather than charisma, charm, or sweeping gestures of romance, will ensure a lifetime of true love and respect.

Most importantly, sustaining a loving, respectful marriage must be your greatest priority. If your marriage is truly happy and loving, everything else in life will fall into place. A Chinese proverb says: “When there is love in a marriage, there is harmony in the home; when there is harmony in the home, there is contentment in the community; when there is contentment in the community, there is prosperity in the nation; when there is prosperity in the nation, there is peace in the world.”

Real Women Have Curves! Wait... What?

2010-08-04T11:14:00.005-04:00

A study recently came out of a university in New Jersey that found that most women feel that uber-slim models contribute to feelings of low self-worth. Not exactly a shocker. What was quite surprising was that the same women, when shown a series of advertisements for clothing and asked to rank them from most likely to buy, to least likely to buy, consistently rated ads more highly the thinner the models in the ads were (the actual brand names were not shown, and the clothes modelled were the same in each ad). It seems we have a bit of a love-hate relationship with the bodies we see portrayed day in and day out in the media.

Image from: http://www.zimbio.com/

The rise of extremely thin models on the runways and in the media has led to a backlash against the uber-slim. In recent times, there have been a number of movements undertaken to encourage women to love themselves more. Tag lines like "Real Women Have Curves" and companies pledging to ban size zero models may seem like a step in the right direction, but are they really? To me the notion of having to fit into any 'ideal' body type or size, whether it's size zero or a size 12, to be considered a 'real woman' is ridiculous. These kinds of campaigns make it acceptable to insult slim figures, and naturally thin girls have to deal with an onslaught of comments about how refreshing it is to see 'real' women modelling clothes, instead of 'nasty' skinny models. Of course, many of the runway models are not naturally that thin, but levelling blanket criticism at slim figures doesn't deal with the appropriate issue.

Image from: www.parlourmagazine.com

What is in fact beautiful is women who are healthy, fit, confident, and comfortable in their own skin. You often hear the mantra 'love yourself' - and I think those are good words to live by. Someone who truly loves themselves will take good care of themselves, and someone who takes good care of themselves will almost certainly naturally settle at a healthy, happy weight for themselves (medical conditions that prevent this being the obvious exception). They will not starve themselves or abuse their body through deprivation, nor will they deny their body exercise and healthy food, because that's not how you treat something you love.

Prominent among recent campaigns for real beauty is the Dove campaign. When Dove launched their campaign for real beauty, one of the most alarming statistics they published was that in a survey of women around the world, only 2% of women thought they were beautiful.

Image from: www.zimbio.com

What is so revolutionary about the Dove campaign is not it's use of bigger models. Or freckled models. Or frizzy-haired models. Or short models. What is revolutionary about the Dove campaign is their focus on beauty as an accessory, rather than as the most important aspect of who you are. We've heard the 'you're beautiful just as you are' line thousands of times, and it's not working. The Dove campaign accepts that you can be a happy, self-confident person, and still wish your hair wasn't so frizzy. By not denying that even the most self-confident person on the planet may have a physical quirk or two that they're self-conscious about, Dove has created a self-esteem campaign that could actually work. The fact that I occasionally straighten my curly hair, or wear concealer under my eyes when I haven't had quite enough sleep and it shows, doesn't mean I have poor self-esteem. It means I'm human.

This notion that a confident person must either totally love every single thing about themselves, or else completely despise themselves is a strange development in the area of self-esteem. It's an issue that regularly pops up when an overweight woman makes it big in Hollywood. Supporters will come out in droves, overjoyed to see a heavy woman in the spotlight, brimming with self-confidence. However, if that same woman ever makes a decision to lose weight, even if it's for her health, she is suddenly a traitor. She will be criticized and accused from every angle for being a 'bad role model' and 'giving in to the pressure of Hollywood to be skinny'. Why do we attack other women like this? Especially when they're making positive choices for their future? Again, I'm not talking about already slim women who are dieting and losing extreme weight in an unhealthy manner, I'm talking about previously overweight stars who make the effort to slim down to a healthy weight for themselves in the responsible manner. It's just such a bizarre phenomenon to me.

Self-esteem is a complicated goal, and one we will never achieve if we continue to polarize bodies and appearances into pigeon-holed categories of right and wrong, good and bad, thin and fat. When we reach a point where we are able to see beauty as an accessory, as a feature that is enhanced when we pursue things that make us happy, develop our strengths, and smile with confidence, rather than as the biggest and most important part of ourselves, then we will truly be able to reach a milestone of self-esteem promotion.

The Baby and the Bathwater

2010-04-13T23:10:00.005-04:00

Image from: http://rlv.zcache.com/

Back in January I posted a link to a blog post called 'In Defense of Nostalgia' on the wonderful blog The Art of Manliness. If you haven't had a chance to check it out yet, I recommend you click here and give it a read, it's absolutely fabulous and was the inspiration for this post.

The authors of that post (Brett and Kate McKay) have already done so much justice to the topic of nostalgia that I'm not even going to try to write a comparable post. Instead I'm going to elaborate on one intriguing thought from the piece - namely the problem of 'throwing out the baby with the bathwater' in our attempts to modernize society and break free of the problems of the past.

There has been no perfect generation in history. While each new decade and each new era brings positive change and advancement - they also bring new problems. To further the problem, in our attempts to banish the issues of the past we often toss all historical context and triumph aside in favour of a fresh clean slate - preferring to start anew in our quest for world peace and happiness.

While I understand the sentiment behind a fresh start - I would also argue that there are significant problems with this approach. For a little analogy, lets imagine that building a culture or society is like writing an essay. You're typing away, it's a work of pure genius, you're sure to get an A... but wait! You realise you made a huge grammatical error in the third paragraph. Do you declare it a failure, delete the paper (and even empty the recycling bin!) and start all over again from scratch? No - that would be ridiculous. You go directly to the source of the problem (the offending grammatical error), correct it, and voila! Your paper is once again brilliant.Obviously that's a bit of an oversimplification, but at its core, it's the very same concept.

So why do we not handle modernization in the same way? Instead of shunning the past and deeming it archaic and irrelevant to our modern lives, why can't we learn from the successes of the past as well as the failures?

Perhaps if we were to focus our energies on eradicating only the specific problems facing a generation, rather than the entire culture which surrounds it, we would find the population as a whole less resistant to change?

People fear change (even positive change) not because they're necessarily opposed to creating a better life for the oppressed or eradicating a negative social condition, but rather because they're afraid it will alter the aspects of their life and culture that they cherish and want to hold onto.

So by separating the bad from the good (I won't argue that it will be easy!) and working to eradicate only the negative aspects of every generation, while building on and emphasizing the good, we could finally take constructive steps towards a brilliant generation, a cohesive culture and society that is legitimately improving with each passing decade.

Imagine the society we could have today if we'd held on to the work ethic of the pioneer days while still advancing technology and medicine with the industrial revolution. And kept the passion and sense of honour from the World War I era but moved forward from actual war time. We could have held on to the respect and class of the 50s while still advancing women's rights and racial equality.

But we didn't. With each passing generation, we have wiped the slate clean and struggled to move forward from nowhere. We have thrown the positive traits from our history aside in favour of all things new and modern. And are we better for it? There have been brilliant advances with each passing generation to be sure - but with each new advance we seem to create a new problem to go with it, perpetuating a cycle of fixing one leak only to immediately spring another.

Robertson Davies once said: "The world is full of people whose notion of a satisfactory future is, in fact, a return to the idealized past." While there is truth to this sentiment no doubt, if we were to embrace the positive aspects of the past and combine them with the positive advances of the present and future, we could truly acheive this vision of Davies' satisfactory future.

I'm Still Here! Sort Of....

2010-04-07T20:55:00.000-04:00

A warm hello to my few loyal readers who are still hanging on despite my disappearance!

I wanted to let you know that I haven't disappeared off the blogosphere permanently - I will be back with new posts, but I underestimated how much of a hit my writing would take when I went back to work full time.

I'm very much a morning person when it comes to my writing. The morning is when I feel inspired and my words flow most freely - unfortunately, work interferes with that so I need to figure out a way to train the linguistic parts of my brain to function as I'd like them to at more convenient times of the day!

Anyway - thank you to those loyal few who still check back here despite my prolonged absence - keep checking back - I promise to return!

Wednesday Master Class - Midwifery

2010-02-24T20:24:00.001-05:00

I'm back! After my brief hiatus, I am hopefully back more or less on regular schedule now in terms of posting (there may still be the occasional blip over the next couple of weeks, but I hope not!)

What I bring you today is our first ever interview! Please welcome midwife-in-training, the fabulous Kelley Scott!

A midwife - not Kelley specifically though :)

Image from: http://www.case.edu

Could you introduce yourself? Tell us a bit about yourself, your background, education, interests, and so on.

Hello! My name is Kelley Scott and I am currently a student in my first year of the Midwifery Education Program (MEP) at Laurentian University, in Sudbury, Ontario Canada. I am 25 years old, and consider myself somewhat of a traditional girl in a modern world; much like you Rachel. I grew up on a farm in a small town in Ontario, and from my parents learned lots of “traditional” skills like sewing, knitting, embroidery, bread-making, jam-making and growing my own food. My friends call me self-sustaining, and I do these things because I enjoy them! I have a B.Sc. in Biology from Trent University, and between convocating in 2006 and entering the MEP the the fall of 2009 I worked in a butcher shop and managed a vintage clothing store. Variety is the spice of life they say!

My interests are simple: good food, good friends, good clothes! Not to mention good books, good music and good films.

Why did you decide to become a midwife?

I have always been fascinated with pregnancy and childbirth. I knew from a young age that I would become an active participant in childbirth. While hopefully bearing my own children someday, I am looking forward to helping women bear theirs along the way. In the last nearly 4 years, I have worked as a doula (professional labour support). One specific birth last January was the springboard for my application to the MEP. It was a midwife-assisted birth that convinced me I had what it took to handle all of the emotional, medical and natural events that take place while a new person is born. It is the most amazing thing to witness a woman empowered beyond her wildest dreams after the birth of her child.

What steps are involved in becoming a certified midwife?

Ontario midwives are regulated by the College of Midwives of Ontario (CMO) and must be registered with the CMO in order to practice and use the title of midwife. A certified midwife is a graduate of the Ontario Midwifery Education Program (MEP), a graduate of the International Midwifery Pre-registration Program (IMPP) or a general registrant (practising midwife) in another province of Canada.

The MEP consists of 3 semesters in class, during which time students take a variety of courses, including anatomy, physiology, pharmacology, women's studies, social studies, midwifery theory and midwifery skills. The balance of the 4 year degree program is spent in clinical placements, 4 of which are with a registered midwife, who acts as a preceptor in a midwifery practice. The remaining placements are interdisciplinary in nature and consist of community placements with designated populations, and rotations within maternity care settings like the neo-natal intensive care unit.

MEP graduates must complete what is called the New Registrant's year for their first year of practice. A newly registered midwife must provide care within an established Ontario practice, work full time and attend births with an experienced midwife. Even with these conditions, the midwife is capable of providing the whole scope of midwifery care just like the other midwives (or general registrants) in her practice and throughout the province.

How is pregnancy and delivery with a midwife different than using a traditional doctor?

Midwives are trained experts in normal childbirth. There are three main tenets to the model of care provided by midwives: informed choice, continuity of care, and choice of birthplace. A woman who has a midwife is able to develop a trusting relationship throughout her pregnancy with her primary caregiver, and knows that choices concerning her care are ultimately hers alone. This is just not possible with an Obstetrician/Gynecologist, nor often with a Family Physician as well.

Are there any myths or stigmas about midwifery that you'd like to clear up?

Midwives are not all “hippies”. Midwives do not only deliver babies at home. Midwives are not nurses, each profession has a very different scope of practice. Midwives are highly educated, capable healthcare professionals and by the time they graduate from the MEP have attended a minimum of 60 births, 30 of which the student provides continuity of care through pregnancy, labour, delivery and 6 weeks postpartum.

Why might a woman want to consider using a midwife during pregnancy and delivery? What should a woman look for when choosing a midwife?

Women choose midwives for all sorts of reasons. Some for the opportunity to have a home birth, some for the continuity of care, some for their belief in birth as a normal, natural process, some for the supportive role, some for no other reason than it feels right. Some choose midwives for their subsequent pregnancies after less than desirable outcomes.

A woman should trust her intuition when looking for a midwife. Finding someone that she can trust and communicate with is imperative. Some women prefer a midwife who has given birth herself, some women want a mother-like figure, some want a friend. Each woman and each pregnancy are different, choosing the right midwife can have an impact on a woman for the rest of her life.

Is there anything else you'd like people to know about midwifery?

Spread the word! Talk to friends who have given birth about their experiences. Talk to your mothers about your birth story, think about what you want your children's birth stories to be like. Childbirth is fundamental to our existence, yet many of us know little about it, and are afraid to ask.

I have often heard it said that the way we enter the world has an effect on our personalities, and how we perceive our surroundings. A positive, empowering birth experience can only ever be a good thing, for everyone involved.

From the CMO website: “The practice of midwifery is the assessment and monitoring of women during pregnancy, labour and the post-partum period and of their newborn babies, the provision of care during normal pregnancy, labour, and post-partum period, and the conducting of spontaneous normal vaginal deliveries.” - Midwifery Act, 1991

Thank You Kelley!

A Very Brief Hiatus

2010-02-15T16:07:00.000-05:00

Sorry folks!

I finally got a new job (yay!) but while I'm adjusting to the drastically different schedule this week, I need to put my blog on hiatus. It will be short (I promise things will be back to normal next week!) but I'm just finding it to be one thing too many to keep track of in a very busy week with a lot of adjustments. I promise to be back to normal, on schedule, next Monday! See you all then!

Cheers

A Few Photos

2010-02-10T22:54:00.002-05:00

My ultimate career aspiration is to be a photographer - ideally a whimsical portrait photographer :) Currently I am a brand new rookie photographer-in-training, but I got to try out a Digital SLR Camera for the first time today! I still need ridiculous amounts of practice, but here's a few shots I took today.

Two friends of mine

My boyfriend, Chris

Fun with balloons!

Self-portrait

Wednesday Master Class

2010-02-10T15:52:00.001-05:00

Good afternoon everyone!

I wanted to let you all know that Wednesday Master Class will temporarily be replaced with 'Wild Card Wednesdays' until I can finish up some interviews! When I designated the Master Class I forgot to factor in the fact that interviews can take a while to set up and complete, so I currently don't have any completed to post (although I've got a couple of interesting ones coming up!) So, starting next week, Wednesday will be the day you can expect articles on any topic under the sun (within the limits of the topic of this blog!). Homemaker Mondays and Feminine Fridays will continue as usual!

In Over My Head?

2010-02-08T06:00:00.002-05:00

So one of the skills to learn on my homemaking list is sewing, and specifically dressmaking. Given that I know very little about sewing and have not yet successfully managed to thread the bobbin on my sewing machine, it would be practical for me to start this endeavour off with a small starter project. A pillow maybe, or perhaps a cloth bag. Of course, no one's ever accused me of being practical so I've decided to start off with a dress. And not just any dress. It has pleats. And a zipper. And SLEEVES. Am I in over my head? Absolutely, and that's how I like it.

Image from www.unt.edu

I started off this project with a trip to Fabricland to pick out a pattern and some fabric. After perusing the patterns for quite some time I ended up settling on one that was labelled 'easy'. Now of course, when calling it easy they're probably assuming the reader at least already knows how to turn their sewing machine on and has maybe even used it once or twice, but no matter. After choosing my pattern, I found myself quite overwhelmed by the vast selection of fabric so decided to narrow my search to the discount rack. Given the high probability of this project ending in unwearable disaster, I decided this was a solid economical decision. I picked out a pretty dark green fabric and marched home filled with the sense of anticipation that comes with starting a new project. I got in, laid out my purchases, and immediately set to work. I pulled the pattern from the envelope with great gusto and began to read the instructions. Then I proceeded to panic, put the pattern back in the envelope, and stashed it along with the fabric in my craft box.

No wonder I'm so overwhelmed!

Image from www.repairsewingmachine.com

A few days later, home alone and feeling brave, I decided to reexamine the pattern. I read the instructions carefully, and realised the first step was simply cutting out the pattern pieces. I could do that. So I did. The next step was to pin the pattern to the fabric so you could cut the fabric. That seemed rather labour intensive so I just traced the patterns with erasable fabric marker instead. So far, this seems to have worked fine (but ask me again when the dress is done whether or not that was a good idea). After quite a lot of cutting, all the pieces were laid out in front of me, looking quite lovely and ready to be sewn.

At which point I panicked again and put the whole project away. Which is about where it stands now. Any words of encouragement for the continuation of my first sewing project?

Looking for Neverland?

2010-02-05T18:56:00.005-05:00

Image from www.fliiby.com

Part of the near-universal appeal of movies like "Peter Pan" is the pervasive theme of 'I don't wanna grow up'. Surely we've all felt at one point or another that it would be nice to go back to being a carefree kid and throw the responsibilities of adulthood aside, but ultimately we do learn to take responsibility for ourselves and become a mature contributing member of society. Or at least that used to be the case.

In the last few years, a storm has been brewing. A new generation of kids is entering into adulthood (biologically, anyway) and many are demanding the perks and turning their noses up at the responsibilities. We call this new generation the 'Millennials' (among other things), and while positive characteristics of Millennials include confidence, high self-esteem, and a commitment to equality, there's a dark side too. Millennials are also the most spoiled generation in history. They want what they want and they want it yesterday. Many have never truly experienced failure because they've been completely sheltered from it. Many Millennials have spent their entire lives being praised, and grew up in a generation of 'everybody wins!', which, while well-intentioned, does little to prepare them for the future. And before anyone thinks I'm up on a 'kids today' soapbox - I am a Millennial. Millennials are essentially anyone who enters into adulthood in the new Millennium, so anyone born from the early-mid 80s onward qualifies. I am lamenting the failings of my own generation.

Image from www.thoughtshapers.com

A professor at my university shared an interesting article from Esquire on this topic a while back. A quote from the article sums up the outcome of this shift in attitudes towards adulthood:

"The source of the new ubiquity of the child-adult centaur may be the extended adolescence in which we all find ourselves. If you believe the conservative commentators, every urban American under the age of 40 rides a skateboard to work, and the criteria that once defined adulthood--giving up bands, getting a steady job, normal sex--no longer apply. Hipster parents are the new children raising children: Put the kid down for a nap, check the BlackBerry to see if the Shanghai office has sent the proofs, then take the videocam into the bedroom, and afterward maybe listen to Vampire Weekend with a joint while playing Halo 3 together. That's the new happy marriage, the new happy adulthood: the desires of adolescence empowered by money and confidence." (Read the rest of the article here)

I would have done a lot of stupid things as a child and teenager if I hadn't had strict, caring parents to guide me. To me, 'the desires of adolescence empowered by money and confidence' is a pretty frightening concept for the new adulthood. And that's exactly where the problem comes from - parenting (or lack thereof). It is not the job of a parent to be a best friend. A parent's role is to guide their children through life, teach them the
difference between right and wrong, aid in the development of life skills, and ultimately, raise children who are capable and willing to take responsibility for themselves, and of leading independent lives (obvious exceptions made when extenuating circumstances prevent the child from being able to live independently). This is no longer happening. Parents are hyper-involved in their children's lives and its doing nothing but harm. Children are no longer required to take any responsibility for their own actions, and are raised with the idea that if they do something wrong, their parents will get them out of trouble. Lets take a look at a few examples:

Image from www.almightydad.com

I used to work as a residence assistant at a university. While this particular incident didn't happen to me, it happened to a co-worker. It was move-in day in September, hundreds of new students were arriving with their parents and moving into residence for the first time. There is a policy in residence that no beer bottles are allowed. Students know this rule, and sign a contract acknowledging that fact before moving in. Part way through the day, my coworker saw one of the new students drinking a beer with his dad in the hall. She politely informed them that beer bottles were not allowed in residence and drinking wasn't allowed in the halls. The response from the parent? "My son will do what he wants, if you have a problem with that, you can answer to our lawyer." She was speechless.

Something even more shocking is something I recently read about as a growing 'trend' on an HR blog. A hiring manager wrote an article expressing her complete shock at having a 23 year-old man come in to her company for an interview, accompanied by his mom. And I don't just mean she drove him there and then waited in the waiting room - she actually went in to the actual interview, and was indignant when asked to leave. Even more shocking? Many other HR professionals commented on the article saying similar things had happened to them.

While these may seem like extreme examples, the culture of 'helicopter parenting' is becoming the norm, and it's extremely damaging to this generation of young men and women. And while the parenting is out of hand, the bad parenting behaviour is being enabled by external forces. Not too long ago, a rather ridiculous case came up in the Quebec legal system. A man in Quebec's daughter had been using the internet constantly and chatting on sites which her father didn't want her using. He blocked the sites and told her not to use them anymore. She defied him, and went back on anyway, so she was grounded. Pretty straightforward right? Wrong. She sued her father because the grounding prevented her from going on a weekend school trip that she 'really wanted to go on'. But that's not the shocking part. She won. Her father appealed the case in a higher court, and she won again. Her father tried to parent her properly, and the court intervened. What kind of precedent does that set?

Image from http://2.bp.blogspot.com

I've got an interesting theory on the sharp rise in helicopter parenting and the sharp decline in any form of discipline. Never before have kids spent so little time with their parents. While stay-at-home moms used to be the norm, they're becoming increasingly rare. If a parent only gets to see their child for an hour or two each day, they're going to want that time to be quality time, and as a result, may become less inclined to discipline their child because they're afraid of 'ruining' their positive parent-child time. The time they do spend with their children tends to be very structured and regimented and rarely allows them to see their child in a free environment where they get to make their own decisions. This encourages their belief that their child is perfect and can make no mistakes, so when faced with the reality that their child is in fact not flawless, they often get defensive. The step in on behalf of their child and the child very quickly learns that their actions essentially don't have consequences because their parent will vouch for them. That's not to say that all children raised by parents who work outside the home are doomed to fail, or that parents who stay at home are not guilty of helicopter parenting, but rather that parenting should not be secondary to an outside job, and parents who don't see their children often can not shy from disciplining them when it's deserved. It's a theory, anyway :)

I'd love to hear your thoughts. Do you think this new generation avoids responsibility? Do you think a lack of discipline and overbearing parents are to blame, or do you have a different theory? Any anecdotes or examples?

Quick Update

2010-02-03T17:39:00.001-05:00

Good evening everyone!

I had an interview with a placement agency today - I'm hoping it will point me in the direction of some job leads with the government - hooray! However, unfortunately that cut into my writing time so I haven't had a chance to put together a post for Wednesday Master Class this week. I promise things will be back to normal for Feminine Fridays though, so check back in with me then!

Have a fantastic evening :)

Convenience Culture

2010-02-01T13:21:00.002-05:00

This week for Homemaker Mondays, I'm going to talk not about an actual homemaking skill, but rather one of the greatest detriments to homemaking and self-sufficiency - convenience culture and technology dependence.

It's undeniable that the 21st century has brought forth some wonderful technological advances that have truly enriched our lives - and some of those advances certainly fall into the category of convenient. I'm publishing my thoughts for you to read right now because of new technology - the internet. As such, this is not a blanket criticism of convenience, simply a lament for some of the things that have been lost with its growth.

One hundred years ago, if you didn't know how to cook, clean, mend clothes, chop wood, and build a fire, you were going to be hungry, naked, and cold - unless you were quite wealthy and able to afford assistance. In 2010, dinner can be a matter of pushing some buttons on the microwave (or the phone), clothes are mass-produced and very inexpensive (assuming you're not fussy about brand), and heat is a matter of pushing a button in most households. The basic necessities of survival no longer come down to acquiring skills, but are instead provided for us.

While many would argue that those old-fashioned skills are now redundant, I can think of a couple of reasons why that's absolutely not true. Lets start with the most essential reason - survival. We take technology for granted. We rely on it for everything, and tend to assume it will always be there for us. But what happens when things go wrong?

Lets take a look at "The Great Northeast Blackout of 2003". This was a massive power outage stretching across Southeast Canada and Northeast USA, leaving approximately 50 million people without power for up to two days. This blackout caused $6 billion damage and 11 people died as a result. That's right, that much devastation was caused by two days without electricity. If a natural disaster were to strike, such as an earthquake or a hurricane, we would surely lose power again, and this is clearly an indication that we are in no way equipped to handle life without electricity. During the blackout there was looting, mass hysteria, a state of emergency was declared - people didn't know how to function without electricity. The very infrastructure of the cities in which people lived was so dependent on electricity that life came to a screeching halt and panic ensued when that system failed - there was no back up plan.

Now lets talk about another blackout - "The Great Grove Gallagher Blackout of 2006". Not familiar with that one? Probably not - as it only hit my grandparents farm, Grove Gallagher. In 2006, I lived with my grandparents for the summer to help them take care of their 25 acre farm. One hot day in August, a bad thunderstorm hit. My grandparents farm is far back from the road, so they have to provide their own power line out to the street to use municipal power. During the storm, a tree fell on this line, knocking it to the ground, and taking the power with it. They called the city for help putting the line back up (something they have to pay for, since they're off the main line). City workers came, and established that they would need to order a new part to install the new line. It was going to take at least a week for the part to come in. That meant no electricity for at least a week, and this being a farm, also no running water (electricity is needed to draw water up from the well on the property). And you know what? We were just fine. A neighbour brought over a huge barrel of water on the back of her ATV for us to use. Knowing that all the food was going to thaw in the freezer, we cooked most of it on the barbecue in the first couple of days (you can't refreeze thawed food - especially meat) and ate it throughout the week. We would get up when the sun came up, work outside in the morning while it was cool, move into the shade during the hottest parts of the day, play Scrabble, eat lunch, and then get back to work when the sun was lower in the sky. In the evening, we would eat dinner, play cards, and enjoy eachother's company until the sun went down, at which point we'd go to bed. To be honest, besides a little extra work when we needed water, and the lack of a fridge, life wasn't a whole lot different without power. Because we still had some basic self-sufficiency skills, and had not fully committed ourselves to electricity-dependent living, we knew how to handle a power outage.

My cousin at Grove Gallagher

But lets move on to the other major reason why old-fashioned self-sufficiency skills still hold value in 2010: bestowing a sense of pride and accomplishment. There is nothing that even begins to compare to the feeling of accomplishment that comes from knowing that the clothes you're wearing or the food you're eating was made by your own two hands. The appeal of convenience, and honestly, laziness can often prevent us from even trying to make things ourselves, but I believe we truly miss out when taking the easy route. I'm not saying I'm not guilty of this. Yesterday we had friends over for dinner. I know how to make pies, but instead, I bought one from the store because I didn't feel like putting all the effort into making one from scratch. It's easy to fall into this trap, and while the job gets done either way - you really do lose a lot by skipping the process of making it yourself.

There are of course other reasons for self-sufficiency. When we're talking about food, there are obvious health benefits to skipping the preservative-filled instant stuff and cooking your own. Making your own clothes allows you to have custom fit clothes that are definitely sweatshop-free. These reasons are also very important to me, but they are also well-known reasons, while the first two reasons are often overlooked or forgotten entirely. Survival and sense of purpose are key reasons for self-sufficiency and shouldn't be underestimated.

As Aristotle once said: "Happiness belongs to the self-sufficient".

Loaded Language

2010-01-29T16:35:00.001-05:00

I've talked about labels before (check it out) but something I haven't previously given as much thought to is the words we use to describe ourselves. Not the titles, but the actual adjectives.

I typically describe myself as feminine and ladylike, but what's interesting when you stop and think about it, is that those words could have an entirely different meaning to me than to the listener - so is it truly an effective way of describing your personality?

I wanted to learn a little bit more about these two words in particular, and how they're perceived. I opted to start the same way I often started essays in my university days - by turning to the dictionary and thesaurus to examine the words at their most basic linguistic level.

I'm not sure if this place is real, but I hope it is....

When looking up 'feminine' in the thesaurus, the synonyms seem pretty harmless - ladylike, tender, womanly, etc, until you get to the last synonym: unmanly. It is not that word in and of itself that is problematic, but rather the synonyms listed for it, including cowardly, dishonourable, gutless, sissy, degrading and powerless. So feminine is synonymous with unmanly, and unmanly is synonymous with degrading and powerless? I know that's certainly not how I intend to describe myself when I call myself feminine.

The synonyms for ladylike are far more positive: cultured, decorous, elegant, genteel, modest, polite, respectable, mature, and honourable. This is far closer to what I mean when I use these terms to describe who I am.

But it gets complicated when you realise that both unmanly and ladylike are synonyms of feminine, yet unmanly is synonymous with dishonourable and ladylike is synonymous with honourable. Now things are getting complicated! If the thesaurus is this confused, then surely the general public must have a myriad of views and conflicting opinions on what's meant by a particular word or phrase.

To me, ladylike and feminine are positive words, describing a particular way of behaviour that is respectable, polite, and friendly.

But I'm curious: what do these words mean to you? Do they call up a positive or negative image in your mind? I'm not sure if I have enough readers to get a discussion going yet, but it's worth a try! I'd love to hear your thoughts on the topic in the comments section below!

The Cell Phone

2010-01-27T12:15:00.001-05:00

Good morning everyone and welcome to the first edition of the Wednesday Master Class! During the Master Class we hear an expert opinion or a masters instructions on a particular topic, either by interview, or by referencing a book or website.

Today I want to talk about the etiquette of the cell phone. Our expert today will be Lizzie Post of the Emily Post Institute, as I've gathered this useful information from her fabulous book "How do you Work this Life Thing?"

Image from www.geekologie.com

The funny thing about cell phones is that often even the most well-mannered among us throw all grace and politeness out the window when it comes to our phones. In her book, Lizzie Post reminds us that you should be in control of your phone, not the other way around. It isn't your phone's fault that it rang in the middle of Avatar at the theatre, nor is it the fault of your friend for calling you in the first place - your ringer should have been off.

Without further ado, here is a summary of Lizzie Post's "Cell Tips: What to do Where" from page 135 of her book (with my own thoughts thrown in):

In a Restaurant: If you're not expecting any important calls and you don't have kids at home with a babysitter, your phone shouldn't be on in the first place. If you MUST answer it, excuse yourself from the table and take the call in another room, such as a lobby or restroom, or ideally outside, if weather allows. It's never acceptable to disturb your table and the other diners around you by taking a call at the table. I still remember the time I was out for dinner at a fancy Italian restaurant with my boyfriends family, celebrating his parents 25th Wedding Anniversary. Two women were sitting at the table next to us, and it was bad enough when one woman's cell phone started to ring loudly, but I was absolutely horrified when she proceeded to answer it, at her table, and have a loud, fairly long conversation about nothing in particular with the caller. I think she may have even thrown in a swear word or two while she gabbed away.

On the Street: As long as you're able to control the volume of your voice, this isn't a huge faux-pas. Many people have a tendency to yell when they're on the phone, so make sure you're toning it down. Also, while talking on the phone on the street is not a problem in and of itself, it becomes one if you're so distracted that you're crashing into everyone in your path, so pay attention.

At the Movies: This one should be self-explanatory, it really should, but a lot of people still forget. Despite the warning at the beginning of every film to turn off your phone, inevitably, one always rings. Again, if you are waiting for an all important call (your wife is 9 months pregnant and is expected to go into labour any day now, kids are home with a babysitter, etc, etc), then keep your phone on vibrate and sit in an aisle seat so you can quickly and quietly excuse yourself to the lobby to take the important call. Also, it's not acceptable to text in the middle of a movie either - the glow from the screen is distracting.

In a Store: If your phone rings in a store, you should either find a private corner or leave the store to take the call. Wandering up and down the aisles distractedly can be frustrating to other customers, especially if the store is busy. Also, volume comes in to play again here, if you're going to take a call in a store, keep your voice down. This one typically comes down to a judgement - while it may be acceptable to take a call while in Wal-Mart, you might want to think twice in a book shop. Also, what is never acceptable is talking on your phone while going through the register. End your call before you check out.

On Public Transportation: When you're on public tranportation, the people around you can't get away from you, which means it's not fair to make them listen to a long-winded conversation. If you must make or take a call, keep it short and quiet. I remember one particular trip on the Greyhound bus, it was a night trip, so all the lights were off on the bus and many people were sleeping. Suddenly, we were all awoken by a woman who had decided to call her friend to chat because she was bored. We awoke to "Heeeeeeyyyy be-otch!!! What's up? I've got like, a TON of minutes left on my phone for this month and I'm so bored on the bus, so I figured I'd call you and use them up!" She then proceeded to loudly tell her friend about the drunken parties she'd been to that weekend, and complained about her boyfriend for a while, before the bus driver finally stepped in and told her she needed to get off the phone. It was pretty shocking.

So there you have it, Lizzie Post's guide to cell phone etiquette (in my words). Again, I highly recommend her book, "How do you Work this Life Thing?" for anyone newly independent. It's not your typical etiquette manual, but it covers every sticky situation from room mate conflicts to gym etiquette to part time jobs. It's full of good advice, and presented in a witty, laid back style. Check it out!

The Sunday Roast

2010-01-25T12:12:00.002-05:00

Good morning everyone, and welcome to the first installment of Homemaker Mondays!

One of my favourite culinary traditions is the British classic, the Sunday Roast. This traditional meal typically consists of some form of roasted meat (or a vegetarian alternative, in modern times), accompanied by roasted potatoes, gravy, boiled or steamed vegetables (with peas, carrots, green or yellow beans, and broccoli being common choices), and an extra side that is specific to the type of meat being served. This can include yorkshire pudding for roast beef, stuffing and apple sauce for pork, mint sauce and redcurrent jelly for lamb, and so on. In the UK, this meal is typically served around lunch time, but I typically cook it in the evening.

Apparently, the history of the Sunday Roast goes back to the days when a squire would treat his serfs to a meal of roast oxen at the end of the week to reward them for a week's hard work (thanks, Wikipedia!). The tradition remains popular in the UK, as well as in most countries in the Commonwealth.

While a large meal like this may look intimidating to a rookie chef, it's actually not that hard. Getting the timing right is a bit of an art form, and definitely takes some practice, but the actual recipes are quite straightforward. Until recently, I was the type of person who couldn't even make boiled eggs properly, so you can trust me on this one. My cooking skills have improved significantly since then, but this was one of the first 'proper' meals I learned how to make - so don't be intimidated!

My camera had no batteries last night, so I took this on my cell phone!

Last night, I made the roast beef variety of Sunday Roast, so I thought I would share my recipes with you. I'm going to write the instructions out in as much detail as possible, because I know standard recipes can seem intimidating if you're new to the kitchen. Because I was just cooking for my boyfriend and myself, I kept it pretty simple. If I'm making yorkshire pudding, I don't usually do potatoes as well, unless I'm entertaining. I also didn't make gravy as there weren't enough drippings in the pan when I took the roast out.

So, without further ado, a basic Sunday Roast for the absolute beginner:

First, and most importantly, the roast!

I used a 3 lb outside round roast that I got on sale at the grocery store. For 2 people, this leaves a lot of leftovers for sandwiches later in the week. The instructions for this could not be simpler. Preheat your oven to 300 degrees F. Take the thawed, ideally room temperature roast, put it fatty side up in a roasting pan, sprinkle or rub any seasonings you may want over the roast (you don't need to add any, I usually just sprinkle a bit of salt and pepper over mine). If the roast is tied up in string, leave this on. Many recipes will tell you to put your roast on a wire rack in the roasting pan. This is good if you have one, but I don't, and my roasts always turn out fine, so don't panic if you just have a plain old pan. When the oven is preheated, put the roast in on a middle rack, and let it cook. At 300 degrees, you'll want to allow about 20 minutes per pound for very rare beef - so in my case, the 3 lb roast took about an hour to cook. You'll need to increase the time if you want it more well done, and it's really best to have a meat thermometer, which will tell you how 'done' your roast is. They're cheap, and really useful - and especially important if you're cooking something like chicken, where you don't want to be playing around with possible undercooking. Roast beef may be a better starter option as it's hard to get food poisoning from it :) You can cook at a higher temperature, but I prefer to cook slowly at a low temperature as I find it cooks more evenly.

Now, while your roast is cooking, you can prepare your veggies. If you're going to do potatoes, it's easiest to slice them into bite sized chunks (skins on), toss them in a bit of olive oil and your favourite herbs (rosemary is good) and then just throw them in with the roast for the last 30-40 minutes that it's cooking (they can go right in the roast pan, or in their own). Like I said, I usually leave the potatoes out because I'm not a huge fan, but they're easy to make if you enjoy them! As for the other veggies, I did corn, broccoli, and carrots last night. The corn was frozen corn and literally takes about two minutes. Boil a cup of water, pour in two cups of corn, bring back to a boil, done. You'll want to do this right before you're ready to serve the rest of the food. The carrots and broccoli were fresh, so it was simply a matter of slicing them up and putting them in a steamer (a pot with holes in the bottom that sits on top of another pot full of water - for the true rookies out there). You don't want to turn this on yet, as it doesn't take long to cook.

Next is the yorkshire puddings. The recipe for yorkies is simple, the execution sometimes takes a bit of practice to get right. To make the batter, simply mix 1 cup of milk, 1 cup of flour, a dash of salt, and 2 eggs with a whisk until smooth. Set this aside and let it warm up to room temperature (it should be about there by the time the roast comes out of the oven). Room temperature is pretty key - the recipe will still work if the ingredients are cold when they go in the oven, but it won't turn out quite as well.

Now you wait until your roast is cooked! Once it comes out of the oven, immediately boost the oven temperature up to 400 degrees F for the yorkshire puddings. Also, don't carve the roast until it's ready to go to the table, as it will get cold. Take out a muffin tin and pour a tiny bit of cooking oil into the bottom of each cup (it should be just enough to cover the bottom of the cup). Once the oven is preheated, put the muffin tin with the oil in for just a moment to make the oil hot. This is key, so don't skip this step. Take it back out and distribute your yorkie batter evenly into the 12 cups. Put it back in the oven and cook for 25 minutes. You might want to put a pan under the muffin tins as the oil may spill over the edge and make a mess of your oven. You also might want to open a window or turn on the hood fan (if you have one, which I don't) because these can sometimes get a tiny bit smoky. Also, try to avoid opening the oven door while these are cooking, as they may lose their 'fluffiness' if you do. Let these cook and move on to your veggies.

When the yorkies have about 10 minutes left in the oven, put your steamer on the stove and turn it on to boil the water. You can also boil the water for your corn at this point. Once the water is boiled in both, let your steaming veggies sit at a rolling boil for a couple of minutes (the length is determined by how crispy you like them) and pour your corn into the other pot. Once the corn has reached a boil again, take both off the heat. Pour the veggies into serving dishes (and drain any excess water from the corn), and at this point, your yorkies should be just about ready to come out of the oven. Look through the oven window to be sure they're done before you take them out, they should have a slight golden colour to them. Take them out and remove them from the pan (don't burn yourself on the hot oil!).

And there you go, you did it!

This is a great meal option for entertaining, or just for your own family. My favourite thing about it is the sense of tradition that goes along with it. We do this most Sundays, sometimes on our own, sometimes with friends, and it truly is a great tradition to have, and a great way to unwind and enjoy the last few hours of the weekend!

The Art of Manliness

2010-01-24T23:50:00.001-05:00

Good evening everyone!

I just wanted to direct your attention to a beautiful post over at the fantastic blog 'The Art of Manliness'. The piece is called In Defence of Nostalgia, and it's wonderfully written. It's long, so if you have a few minutes, settle in with a cup of tea and give it a read.

Happy reading, and don't forget to check back tomorrow afternoon for Homemaker Mondays!

The Importance of Choice

2010-01-22T10:53:00.004-05:00

Good morning everyone and welcome to the first installment of Feminine Fridays!

If you look back at the history of the women's rights movement and break down the goals and objectives, the central argument is that women should have choices. Freedom of choice is one of the single most important measures of equality for any group. Starting with the fight for the right to vote (the freedom to choose their representative in government); to the freedom to make their own decisions about their bodies (reproductive choice); and finally the freedom to make their own decisions about their future in terms of career, marriage, children, and so on - ultimately women's rights comes down to choices.

So arguably then, the greatest threat to women's equality is the application of restrictions on these freedoms. A couple of weeks ago France made headlines when they announced that women would be fined £700 for wearing a burkha or niqab in public. The government has argued that the law is intended to "protect the ‘dignity’ and ‘security’ of women." President Sarkozy has declared that burkhas are "a sign of subservience that imprison women." So, following that logic, the law is in place to protect the freedom of women; but are we truly advancing women's rights by deciding for them what is best for them? While I do not know anyone who wears a burkha, I have many friends who wear a hijab, and all of them wear it out of their own volition. Is it really an advancement of women's rights to suggest to them that they're not capable of making this decision on their own, and therefore a law must be enacted to "protect their freedom"? In my opinion this is a step backwards.

Now, you may wonder how all this is related to femininity and ladylike behaviour, but I assure you, it is. This is a topic I've touched on in other posts, but I feel it deserves its own spotlight. I firmly believe in being feminine and ladylike, but in embracing that I fully acknowledge how incredibly fortunate I am to have been born in a country and a time when I have that choice. In choosing to be feminine in behaviour and dress, in choosing to learn how to knit, bake, sew, and cook, I am not disrespecting the women who came before me and fought so hard for our rights, I am in fact honouring them. I am thanking them for giving me the freedom to make my own choices in life, and decide what is best for me. Because of those who fought for women's advancement, I am free to pursue what truly makes me happy. My view of women's rights is that it can be summed up quite simply as the fight for freedom of choice. I choose to wear dresses, take care of my home, and eventually stay home with my kids (when I have them) and in engaging my agency to choose I am just as liberated as the woman who chooses to wear jeans, be an engineer, and never have children. I think as women and the men who support them it is essential that we stop trying to analyze which choices are "right" and "most liberated" and instead make the choices that make us happy. As Howard Thurman once said, “Don’t worry about what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive and do that. Because what the world needs are people who have come alive.”

Please don't hesitate to share your thoughts and comments, I would love to hear them!

Exciting News for Dress Lovers

2010-01-20T17:49:00.003-05:00

If you're like me and prefer to wear dresses rather than pants, you may be able to relate to the fact that nice, everyday dresses can be hard to find, especially in the winter.

For some reason I've noticed that the concept of a 'day dress' is still far more common in the UK than it is in Canada and the US, so I was very excited to discover that Marks and Spencer now ships to Canada (and 80 other countries!)

They have a large selection of dresses on their website, including almost 50 just in the 'everyday casual' section. While a little on the pricy side (especially once you factor in international shipping) - if you feel like splurging a little on a nice dress - it's the place to go! Most of the dresses run from about 30-50 GBP (pounds sterling). In my case, if I buy a good quality, basic dress, it's something I'll wear at least a couple of times a week, with different cardigans or accessories to keep things interesting.

Here are a couple of my favourites from the site:

I love the retro feel of this one!

And this one's just adorable!

Check out the whole selection at www.marksandspencer.com

Quick Check In

2010-01-20T16:27:00.001-05:00

Hello Everyone!

Just wanted to let you all know that the new 'posting schedule' will go into effect as of Friday with our very first "Feminine Fridays" post! Check back then for new material!