Azraille's Transgressions

[02.02] LEO CHIC

noreply@blogger.com (Azraille) — Fri, 21 Mar 2008 20:27:00 +0000

WHAT IS THE WORST THING YOU'VE DONE TO ANOTHER HUMAN BEING?
[leo chic] I Lied.

What did you lie about?

[leo chic] Oh, there are many things I’ve lied about.

Well what is the worse. Since you’re anonymous.

[leo chic] If I’m sleeping with someone and I actually am.

The asked if you were and you said, “No.”

[leo chic] I said, “No, I’m not seeing anyone.” But yeah, usually it is about sex.

Yeah, usually my lies are about sex.

Why do you think your lies usually involve sex?

[leo chic] Um, I don’t know. I guess because I can’t say no. (laughs)

What do you mean?

[leo chic] Well it isn’t like I’m a nymphomaniac or anything. I just can’t resist.

Resist what?

[leo chic] Being propositioned for sex. Something deep inside of me takes over and I become compelled.

Why do you think that is?

[leo chic] I’ve thought about that. I’ve thought about that a lot. I’m not sure but I think it has a lot to do with my desire to be accepted.

You mean like by men?

[leo chic] Actually, no. It has nothing to do with men. I mean I only sleep with men but for some strange reason it isn’t their acceptance that I’m seeking. It comes from inside me.

You mean you sleep with men to gain your own acceptance?

[leo chic] Kind of. Yeah, when we’re done I feel like I’m OK. And I don’t feel like that most of the time.

WHAT DO YOU DO MOST DAYS BETWEEN THE HOURS OF 8:AM AND 9:AM?

[leo chic] I’m perty busy at work.

WHAT DO YOU DO MOST NIGHTS BETWEEN THE HOURS OF 10:PM AND 11:PM?

[leo chic] Oh, my God. Watch Frasier, Seinfeld, eat, watch T.V. I perty much hang out and then go to bed.

WHAT IS THE BIGGEST SACRIFICE YOU'VE MADE FOR SOMEONE ELSE?

[leo chic] I’ve lied to spare their feelings.

What kind of feelings were you sparing?

[leo chic] People don’t like them and I just basically didn’t tell them or didn’t invite them to things. He was one of those ‘odd man out’ kinda persons. So I would just say, “Let’s just hang out” rather than taking him somewhere where everyone doesn’t like him.

IF YOU COULD ERASE ONE MISTAKE IN YOUR LIFE, WHAT WOULD IT BE?
[leo chic] Not going to college. Not finishing college. Definitely.

And why didn’t you finish?

I was bored. I was too young. I went and didn’t know what I wanted to do. It was just the thing to do since I was the first person to go to college in my family. So I was like, “Why not?”

And after that I just spiraled out of control.

WHAT IS THE LAST THING THAT WAS STOLEN FROM YOU?

[leo chic] My heart. We were so much alike that we couldn’t actually get together. It was like two peas in a pod. We were so much alike that we just agreed to disagree.

WHAT IS YOUR MOST DEVIANT BEHAVIOR?

[leo chic] Oh, there are so many things. My underworld party behavior.

What is an underworld party?

[leo chic] Anything and everything. I think a lot of people don’t realize I have this other side of me. I’m very responsible but I can be very irresponsible. And not give a damn.

So what is one of those things?

[leo chic] Everything. Partying. Doing drugs. Staying up late. Staying up for two days. You know…I never call in sick for work and things like that. I just like to have fun and you know…a different side of me than the corporate kinda world. Not a burning man thing.

WHAT MAKES YOU PERSONALLY AND DEEPLY SAD?

[leo chic] Cruelty to animals. I love animals deeply. Everything from oil in the water to the Michael Vick case to people in general. The homeless and having problems with them taking care of their animals. But usually it involves the homeless.

HOW DO MOST PEOPLE MISJUDGE YOU?

[leo chic] They think I’m irresponsible. But I’m not.

Why do you think people think you’re irresponsible?

[leo chic] I’ll take off for days at a time and disappear without a trace.

Where do you go?

[leo chic] Wherever the spirit takes me. (laughs)

Are you in some sort of crack house? Or lost on the streets?

[leo chic] I’ve woken up there. I’ve woken up not knowing where I’m at. I’ve actually woken up on a Sunday night without a foggy ask clue as to where I’ve been for the last two days. And then I pull my shit together and make it into work the next day with no one the wiser.

ADDICTION COMES IN MANY FORMS. WHAT ARE YOU ADDICTED TO?

[leo chic] I’m addicted to…I think. I don’t know. I’m addicted to not so much living on the edge. Not living by the book. At a certain age people expect you to. I think I’m addicted to being poor. But that isn’t it. Not growing up. I’m addicted to being young.

WHAT FEARS HAUNT YOU?

[leo chic] Dieing alone. Not having someone there with you when you go.

IF YOU HAD TO GUESS, HOW WILL YOU DIE?

[leo chic] I would like to die in my sleep. Sitting up. Reading a book or something. O having sex. Just leave. Not being sick or anything like that.

WHO IS YOUR BIGGEST FAN?

[leo chic] My animals. All of the animals I take care of.

WHEN GOD GRANTS YOU ONE ANSWER, WHAT WILL YOUR QUESTION BE?

[leo chic] I want to know what he looks like. She or it. What is it all about? What was our purpose? What were you thinking? What was His purpose?

[01.12] TODD

noreply@blogger.com (Darwin Stephenson) — Sat, 09 Feb 2008 21:24:00 +0000

What is the worst thing you've done to another human being?

[todd] Hmm...I don’t know. I'm a nice guy. I try not to...so the worst thing? I didn't like working with a guy one time so I did what I could to get him out of my company. He lost his job because of me.

So what did you do?

[todd] I wasn't lying or anything. I told them things that...I told the boss the things he was doing wrong. I guess I was a fink. Companies don't need people like that anyway. I guess that would have to be the worst thing, I can’t really think of one.

Wow, this guy must've been some kind of jerk, eh?

[todd] No, he was a nice enough guy and all. Actually, I kinda liked him. (pause) He did some good stuff for the company. We're definitely better in some ways because of him. I just didn't think he was the right guy for the job.

What happened?

[todd] They fired him. Just walked him out the door.

How did that make you feel?

[todd] I never really thought about it. Looking back now...(pause). I mean, the guy had a family and all.

What do you do most days between the hours of 8:00 AM and 9:00 AM?

[todd] I'm working.

What do you do most nights between the hours of 10:00 PM and 11:00 PM?

[todd] Drink Beer. I drink beer at those hours.

Where, how, and with who?

[todd] At my local watering hole where I hang my hat and everybody knows my name.

What is the biggest sacrifice you've made for someone else?

[todd] Biggest sacrifice? Is there a time limit? (Laughs)

No, I got plenty of space.

[todd] Biggest sacrifice, made for somebody else? (pause) Recently I've put my entire life on hold for someone else. I stopped working, paid her bills, everything.

If you could erase one mistake in your life, what would it be?

[todd] I guess I've thought that one through already. I don’t know if it’s a mistake, but I always wished that I visited my grandma when she was dying. I was there but only my family members went in. She died in her bedroom, she was there for good month. And we went there all the time. I always thought that I wanted to remember my grandma as she was. But, after she died, I felt bad that I never went in and saw her. That one has bugged me for long time.

What is the last thing that was stolen from you?

[todd] Substantially? I mean everybody gets CDs stolen, but substantially... Cash, out of my car while I was in it.

Really, you were robbed?

[todd] No, it was an employee of mine that I paid that day, then I had my pay check, and apparently he thought I didn’t pay him enough so he took more cash from my pocket.

What is your most deviant behavior?

[todd] Through my whole life?

Yeah, the most.

[todd] I am a good kid. (laughs). But I guess I have a bad habit of vandalizing.

What do you mean? Do you, like spray paint gang graffiti?

[todd] I stick baloney to cars. After I get home from the bar I sometimes go out and stick baloney to cars in my neighborhood.

You stick baloney to cars?

[todd] When you stick baloney to cars, the acid in the baloney... In the morning, when they take the baloney off, the car will be polka-dotted. That would be the most deviant.

Is there a proper way take the baloney off, so it won’t spot your car?

[todd] No, once its on, the damage is done.

Why do you do this?

[todd] Inner demons. Things I can’t control. Things that I can control but, because of the inner demons, for some reason I don't.

What makes you personally and deeply sad?

[todd] What makes me personally and deeply sad? Well, I've gone a new kick lately.

Yeah, what's that?

[todd] The whole global warming thing and what we can do about it. They say that you need to vote. But that's bullshit. I mean, what good is one fucking vote going to do. I can't make a difference. It's same thing with helping the Earth out.

It’s hard for me to understand. I can't do that much. I can collect grey water. I can not use nitrogen based soil. You know, cut down on all the CO2. I can do my part, but me doing my part won’t do anything. Everybody else needs to do it.

There are people out there who give seminars and tell people what's happening. I think people are getting smarter, but its just not happening fast enough. And when you really look at it, we're done for. Unless somebody does something. I don't think there is much else to think about these days. Because we're done for. Sooner or later.

Addiction comes in many forms. What are you addicted to?

[todd] I am addicted to cigarettes. I have a really hard time if I don’t drink coffee too. I'm really addicted to cigarettes but I don't think I have an addictive personality. I smoke weed. There are times where I can go months without smoking it. Without a problem. I don’t feel I have an addictive personality. But, when it comes to cigarettes, I am going to die. That’s my addiction.

Who do you owe an apology to and why haven't you or won't you give it to them?

[todd] Who do I owe an apology to? I owe an apology to my whole father's side of the family, for not being there and not keeping in contact. I won’t give them an apology, because they won’t accept it. They do the same thing to me.

It's a social disease that my Dad's side of the family has. Nobody talks to each other. Apologies aren't needed. And they don’t care anyway. But I feel bad and I sometimes wonder if they feel bad about it. My grandmother was the only one who held us all together and I can’t give her apology because she died about two weeks ago. And I felt bad about that. I do wish that Dad's side of the family was closer.

What fears haunt you?

[todd] Procrastination. Not following through with goals, feeling like it's all talk. I fear that I talk for nothin'. Fears are good, because you try to overcome them. I fear that I won’t go through with my goals, therefore I must go through my goals.

What can keep you from accomplishing your goals?

[todd] Me. I will be what keeps me from my goals. There are some goals of mine that I'm certain I won't be accomplishing.

If you had to guess, how will you die?

[todd] One or two things. (Laughs) One of three things....

Tell me the three...

[todd] On my mom's side of the family, they've all died of lung cancer or something like that. I am not smart enough. I smoke a lot of cigarettes. I can very well die of that, that’s what happens. Oh yeah, I am also addicted to salt, and its an honest to God addiction, It tastes awesome, And I'm going to die of high cholesterol. I don’t know which one will come first.

Those are preventable. Do you have any intentions of not dying from cancer or a heart attack?

[todd] Those would be how I would die if I lived that long. There is no way I'll live long enough to die from cancer.

Why not?

[todd] Because I'm going to kill myself. I don't know when or where but that is definitely how I'm going to die. One of these days I'm gonna just do it. I am going to jump off that hundred foot bridge or...you know. (starts to cry)

Hey, you must not mean that. I'll bet you've got people in your life that really care for you.

[todd] My grandmother was the only person that ever gave a shit about me. And now she's dead. Other than that everyone hates me.

Let's move on to something a little more positive.

Who is your biggest fan?

[todd] Who is my biggest fan? My little brother. He's eight years old and I am twenty eight. He loves me to death.

See, you're little brother cares about you. He wants you to stick around.

[todd] He's just a little kid. He don't know shit yet. Won't be long til' he gets the same fuckin' disease that the rest of my family's got. He'll turn too.

When God grants you one answer, what will your question be?

[todd] They tell you right there when you get to the pearly gates. The answer to my question. Did I make it? Did I do all alright? It’s not like you get an answer that can help you. They can't tell you what you did wrong so you can go back and fix it. I guess that's what I'd ask, "How did I do?"

February 14th Blog Update

I have just learned that one of the participants in my project was brutally murdered on February 10th. My prayers go out to the family and I'm deeply saddened by this news. As everyone that participates in darwin's analog transgressions is anonymous I have no way to reach out to the family to express my condolences. I hope in some way our support and consideration makes it way to Todd's family.

[01.10] LINDA

noreply@blogger.com (Darwin Stephenson) — Sat, 26 Jan 2008 19:17:00 +0000

What is the biggest sacrifice you've made for someone else?

[linda] I have given up my time for them, a big sacrifice, when I was supposed to go somewhere else and something else came up. So I sacrificed myself and did something else for someone else, so that they would be able to do something.

What were they doing...what made you make the sacrifice?

[linda] They were going on a trip.

Where was the trip to?

[linda] To China. My sister was going to China to adopt a girl. It was a disaster. I had this vacation planned with my girlfriends to go to Sandals. You know, to party and who knows... Anyway, my sister all of a sudden decides that she has to be a Mother and makes these impromptu plans to fly to China to basically find a child. Oh, God that was such a disaster.

Why, that sounds wonderful?

[linda] Yeah, except for the fact that she got arrested. Turns out that you need to get that kind of thing cleared in advance. They don't take child abduction lightly over there.

You're saying that your sister went to China and tried to steal a child?

[linda] Oh, God no. It wasn't anything like that. She is just an idiot and didn't get her paperwork cleared in advance. She ended up coming back empty handed.

And you didn't get to go to Sandals...

[linda] Exactly!

If you could erase one mistake in your life, what would it be?

[linda] Being mean to my Mom.

Now or in the past?

[linda] No, in the past. Now, we get along great.

But growing up there were times you were a little more...

[linda] Yeah, growing up. I was a rebel. I got into all kinds of trouble. You know, one of those girls that got into trouble for the sake of being one of the "bad girls."

You had a bit of a wild streak in you?

[linda] Oh yes, you could say that. You might say I enjoyed toying with the boys. And girls! (laughs nervously) Oh, God, I can't believe I just said that. OK, next question!

What is the last thing that was stolen from you?

[linda] Oh gosh (pause), my video camera. My house was broken into and they stole my video camera that had my daughter’s marriage proposal on it.

Wow!

[linda] Yeah, It was horrible….

Yeah, talk about the term "Violated."

[linda] Yeah.

You know, not only were they in your house but... and I don’t mean to make you relive this.

[linda] No, no. It was horrible. They stole that, one of my daughter’s violins, $600, Forty-Niner watch... Hmmm, what else?... A couple of little things. But I mean, it was just certain things that they stole.

How do most people misjudge you?

[linda] How do they misjudge me? Some people think I am a snob.

Why do you think they are coming up with that?

[linda] Because, when I'm around a group, I am shy. And I don’t talk very much. So then they think I'm a snob. And they pass judgment on me.

What fears haunt you?

[linda] That something would happen to my family and I wouldn’t be able to get there in time.

If you had to guess, how will you die?

[linda] I hope I die in my sleep. And I don’t know. (laughs)

Who is your biggest fan?

[linda] Who is my biggest fan? Probably my grandkids.

When God grants you one answer, what will your question be?

[linda] That I live a healthy life.

Well, it is a question. You get to ask a question.

[linda] Oh, I get to ask Him a question?

Yeah.

[linda] Can I live a healthy life? Without sickness.

What is your most deviant behavior?

[linda] The most deviant? And what do you mean by that?

Something that is a behavior you have that nobody else knows about, don’t care about changing, or should change or...?

[linda] I am basically a good person so I don’t have any bad vices. You know, I don't have anything that I uh... I am not mean or anything like that so I really don't have anything.

OK, but there must be something. You couldn't be the bad girl growing up and not have anything deviant in your personality.

[linda] I am anonymous in your blog, huh?

Yeah, you are anonymous. Uh, so let's hear it. What is your most deviant behavior?

[linda] Oh wow, I've never told anyone that I do this. Ok, I touch things.

You touch things? What does that mean...like inappropriate touching?

[linda] No, you pervert. (laughs) It isn't so much that I touch things but rather that I move people's stuff. Like when you came into the shop and sat down your recorder?

Yeah?

[linda] When you weren't looking I picked it up and moved it to the side counter. (pause) I'm weird, huh?

No, I mean. (stammers) I don't get it. You moved my iPod?

[linda] Uh-huh. Just enough to make you go out of your way when you picked it up again.

And you do this all the time?

[linda] Constantly, I can't stop myself. I do it in people's homes, all the time at work and even when I'm out in public. Say like when I'm shopping, I'm always taking blouses off of one counter and putting them on another where they don't belong.

Why do you think you do this?

[linda] I don't know...it gives me a sense of power. Like I got away with something.

Have you ever been caught?

[linda] Oh, I get caught all the time. But people usually just look at me like I'm clueless.

Addiction comes in many forms. What are you addicted to?

[linda] Caffeine, I'm addicted to caffeine. Oh yeah, I got to have my tea everyday with caffeine. At least five cups. (laughs)

Wow!

Who do you owe an apology to and why haven't you or won't you give it to them?

[linda] I would say my Dad. And I can’t give it to him because he's passed away. When he was sick at the V.A. hospital, he was really mean to the whole family because he didn’t want us to visit him and I yelled at him and told him that he was being selfish. And I never got a chance to tell him sorry for yelling at him. So, that's it.

[01.04] LILY

noreply@blogger.com (Darwin Stephenson) — Sun, 20 Jan 2008 04:30:00 +0000

She really didn't know herself. And for someone that is trying to get to know her, this is somewhat of a problem.

"I don't know, I think people see me as a totally good girl and I'm really not a good girl."

"Oh yeah, how's that?" I asked.

"I think if my parents knew some of the stuff I do they would be totally appalled."

"Tell me about that." I probed.

"I don't know, I'm on this big kick of really being dominated. Like to an extreme amount."

"Tell me about it."

"Like I want to be choked and like told I'm a slut and that kinda thing. Like uh, spanked and just told what to do. For some reason that's just been my thing."

"Have you told anyone to do that stuff?"

"Yeah," she paused.

"Did they do it?"

"Actually most of it is my not having to ask." she laughed.

"You just attract people who want to choke you?" I asked.

"It's not like in a mean way."

"I know."

"I don't know...that happened once without me saying anything. And it kinda scared me at first," she stammered. "And then it was like the most amazing thing for some reason after that."

"So let's continue," I suggested. "I'd like to capture you from the vantage point of being beneath you."

"You want me to stand up on this table while you shoot me from underneath?" she asked.

"For now," I replied. "We'll try a few different positions until we find one that works."

"Okay, how's this?" she started by flirtatiously flipping her hair.

"Excellent."

"So have you ever had a bad experience when you asked someone to dominate you and they refused?"

"Not exactly," she continued. "But I have hinted to what I want them to do and got some weird looks so I didn't pursue it any further."

"Have you ever done anything for someone else that you didn't want to do?"

"Uh, yeah," she nodded. "My ex-husband wanted to see me with his best friend. Which I didn't want to do. Which was kinda forced upon me anyways when I was drunk."

"And how did that turn out?"

"Well he isn't my husband anymore, now is he?" she snapped.

"I'm sorry," I paused as I put down the camera. "I didn't mean to pry."

"No, that isn't it. I don't mind talking about it."

"But?" I asked.

"It's just that I would've done that for him willingly if he just would've asked me," she hesitated. "But he took advantage of me when I was drunk and that was when I knew it was over."

"Things were never the same after that," she stopped. "We didn't trust each other after that."

"Let's switch to the final outfit," I said as I motioned her down off of the table and offered her my hand.

After changing and returning, she climbed two steps up the ladder and turned to me saying, "Are you ready to do this or not?"

"Yes, of course," I responded. "By all means, let's get started."

"Drop down to one knee," I asked. She complied without a word. I captured three photos.

"Pull in your other knee and drop forward to rest on your hands."

"I'm not sure..." she stopped.

"Pull one arm up and hold your breasts," I offered. She complied.

I took two more photos. I was complete. I had discovered her true essence. The photo shoot was now over.

"That should about do it," I concluded. "You can get dressed now."

"Are you sure?" she asked. I nodded.

She dropped her hip down to the table and swung her legs over the edge. "I thought we might continue a bit further."

"How so?" I asked coyly as I snapped another set of photos of her in this position."

"I think you and I should have a party," she suggested.

"Do you now?" I baited her. "That is quite bold of you to say."

"I can be bold when I see something I want."

"Well, you were bold in coming up to me at the show," I added. "That was good.'

"Yeah but," she laughed. "But how many... I don't know."

"What?" I asked.

"You're interesting. What you're doing." she added. "And who could blame me."

[01.09] FIFTEEN QUESTIONS

noreply@blogger.com (Darwin Stephenson) — Sun, 13 Jan 2008 23:15:00 +0000

Welcome to Azraille’s Transgressions. I started this blog after discovering how much people reveal themselves when modeling for my art. I've set out to ask 100 people 15 questions that they wouldn't answer honestly to a best friend or lover. Armed with a digital recorder, I'm finding out just how much people will tell to an anonymous stranger. My blog is a live record of my experiences.

1. WHAT IS THE WORST THING YOU'VE DONE TO ANOTHER HUMAN BEING?

2. WHAT DO YOU DO MOST DAYS BETWEEN THE HOURS OF 8:AM AND 9:AM?

3. WHAT DO YOU DO MOST NIGHTS BETWEEN THE HOURS OF 10:PM AND 11:PM?

4. WHAT IS THE BIGGEST SACRIFICE YOU'VE MADE FOR SOMEONE ELSE?

5. IF YOU COULD ERASE ONE MISTAKE IN YOUR LIFE, WHAT WOULD IT BE?

6. WHAT IS THE LAST THING THAT WAS STOLEN FROM YOU?

7. WHAT IS YOUR MOST DEVIANT BEHAVIOR?

8. WHAT MAKES YOU PERSONALLY AND DEEPLY SAD?

9. HOW DO MOST PEOPLE MISJUDGE YOU?

10. ADDICTION COMES IN MANY FORMS. WHAT ARE YOU ADDICTED TO?

11. WHO DO YOU OWE AN APOLOGY TO AND WHY HAVEN'T YOU OR WON'T YOU GIVE IT TO THEM?

12. WHAT FEARS HAUNT YOU?

13. IF YOU HAD TO GUESS, HOW WILL YOU DIE?

14. WHO IS YOUR BIGGEST FAN?

15. WHEN GOD GRANTS YOU ONE ANSWER, WHAT WILL YOUR QUESTION BE?