TransparenMe

TRansparent Review

2021-01-12T07:20:00.000-06:00

Last year was a strange for me. I haven't quite figured out what words I should use to describe it. But somehow amongst all that happened, good and not so good, it led me back here to my blog. Honestly, it was like going back to a childhood or old home that had not been lived in since you were there. It took me about 20 frustrating and determined minutes to even get in and that was done by some little basement window that was left open with a stick from the last time you were there. But I'm here. I don't know why, but I'm here. I'm wiping off the cobwebs of my mind to remember why I stopped altogether but all I can come up with is that I walked into a valley that I wasn't prepared for and am just now climbing out, a few days shy of 4 years later. Paul was wise to tell us how he was able to move past things in the Bible. He said he "forgets what lies behind and reaches forward to what lies ahead," he also says he "presses on toward the goal to win the prize of the call of Christ." (Philippians 3:13 AMP) So as we stroll quickly through this transparent review, let's do so not in retrospect but in respect to where we are going.

So I don't remember much about 2017, only that I slowly begin to wake up more and more not giving God my first. I gave Him my "let me do this first" time. Usually that contained of scrolling wayy too long on Facebook, then bunny trails into videos and then getting up to get dressed 20-30 mins too late which then made me rush. I remember having so much on my mind. My son was in a relationship that I knew wasn't what God would have His hands on, my oldest was depressed and I couldn't do anything about it and my youngest transitioned from catching the bus to go to another city (literally 20 mins away) to me dropping her off at another school I didn't trust to moving 683 miles away to go to a school that I knew I could not protect her from things. My own life was in shambles from depression, bitterness and anger that had been up in my attic for years. By the end of 2017, my armor of God looked like I felt, a broken down, uncared for home where the shutters fell if someone sneezed, the front steps were not to be trusted by anyone over 20lbs and the framework and foundation leaned and threatened to fall over if one more person took up residence! My job was going well though! I loved what I was doing so much that I put my guard down and got too comfortable. This was the year blindness.

The following year, 2018, seemed to be a year of promises, shaky, broken promises that I made. It was indeed a weird year that demanded that I just cave when anything happened, keep my armor off and my offenses up. Apparently at some point I signed up to run through the muck and mire and got it straight in my eyes because blindness clung to me, that year and stayed for another year! I went through some really dark times because I refused to give my burdens to God, refueled to thank Him for what He had already done and was in fact doing, confessing what I needed and leaving it with Him. And I got heavier and heavier as if I had a plan to lose my spiritual weight but never got off my couch of resentment, fear, pride and anger while eating the fruits of gossip, lust and contention. My son lost a job that he was amazing at because of his pride, instead of allowing God to lead him, he came to me and I walked him straight into it. I didn't like the new person over this job, not that dislike was not unwarranted, mind you, and I saw it with my spiritual eyes. But because I was in so much darkness, I didn't know what to do with it or how to deal with it. I still knew to pray and I even remember seeing Pride walk across the room in front of my eyes. By that time I was so deep in sin, instead of focusing on God, I focused on all the trash that happened to fall in front of me. I hated that I couldn't make any changes for the kids that I worked with on either job. One was because it wasn't allowed, legally, and the other because the spiritual stagnation wouldn't allow it though it was once a place of prayer and hope and safety for kids. I went in there proud and without my armor because of what else I was dealing with and got trampled. By October I was sick because of all the spiritual muck I was carrying voluntarily. That's where my spirit begin to deteriorate. This was a year of darkness.

The next year was no better, but by this time I knew I needed to get out of the city I was in. We have a street there named Dodge St and I literally needed to "get out of Dodge"! I had decided by September 2018 that I would move to be closer to my youngest because she was so far away. I was sick of the heaviness, the fake Christian love with faces of condemnation looked at many, the snow! I remember asking God, 'why can't I do your work here, why can't I shake this,' and His answer was clear, "they won't receive what I have." I still wasn't reading my Bible or feeding my spirit or praying that much, but He was clear with that. So by March, I found a house and moved. Little did I know, He was moving me further into the valley. The struggle was real, but I watched the "new thing" He declared in His Word, "I am about to do something new. It is beginning to happen even now... I am going to make a way for you to go through the desert. I will make streams of water in the dry and empty land." (Isaiah 43:19) Listen, anyone that knows about Mississippi knows how dry that land LITERALLY is! Even the mud turns to clay! He brought me to that place. Without a job, without provision, times I thought I was going to be homeless and without but He kept His Word. I even went back to Omaha the summer of 2019 and got a job there. But it seemed the moths were eating up everything I had. I was able to pay rent but I was also paying for rentals because of not trusting Him. It was a crazy time. This was a year of exposing my heart

Enter in 2020... I was once again in Omaha visiting my mom who had been diagnosed with another form of cancer. I remember the feeling that depression was right there to greet me too. It fell heavy on me and I was miserable on that trip. And at the last minute, literally a day or two before my daughter and I were to leave, I got sick. At that time, and even months before that they were calling it an upper respiratory infection. I was miserable. The normal 12.5 hour drive took 24 hours. I dropped my daughter off to her dorm and went home and suffered, thinking I was going to die alone. My head felt like it would explode, my chest felt like it would cave in while on fire, my body had no strength to stand much less fight. It was horrible. Towards the end of the month, I felt well enough to go on an interview and got the job at a school, for the 2020-2021 year. But God told me He would replenish me, what He would give me during this time and He did. Just as my head vice grip pressure from congestion broke, my job called. I thought it was over but it had just begun. This was a year of refinement. Refinement is not fun, it's going through fire and allowing purification. Listen, I had no choice, if I knew that's what would happen, I would have tapped out. I wanted to. I contemplated the ultimate tap out that summer. But God had other plans. The day that I was going to go home and quietly figure out how to leave this world and leave my family behind, He sent a sweet lady from my church to start a conversation, at a luncheon we were at, that would drive me into tears as I drove home and trash the idea. Work was horrible, finances were horrible, my mind was horrible but somehow I had a peace that the enemy didn't want me to acknowledge. It was like I was standing at my door with the keys visibly in my hand and someone telling me that my keys to my home weren't there and I had no way to get in. This was a year of refinement.

This year, is new. My One Word is AMAZED for this year and I already have been. My new quest is to know where Hope and Faith really are for me. I'm preparing for what He has for me, even if it's deeper in the valley.

Transparent Concealer

2017-01-24T05:30:00.000-06:00

“He who covers his sins will not prosper, But whoever confesses and forsakes them will have mercy.” Proverbs 28:13 NKJV

So, my daughter has become this guru of different make up techniques and how to apply stuff I never even heard of before. It's taken me some time to get used to her wearing makeup as she is my youngest and is so small that she could pass for a 12 year old! But it's what she likes so I pour into her the difference between displaying make up and concealing things she doesn't want known...

Hence the name, Transparent Concealer... I am not a makeup person at all but I have plenty of masks that I wear on a daily basis with no application process at all! Don't believe me? When I am driving and someone cuts me off or speeds up just to get in front of me and then slows down? Instantly my offended and road rage mask comes on. When I am not getting attention like everyone else, my pity party mask comes on. When I feel alone but don't want to share with anyone, that "I'm just peachy" mask comes straight on!

We each have something that we would like to hide, conceal from God and others. Many of us have done a spectacular job of doing just that. We hide issues in our marriages so that when divorce is afoot, many are shocked about it, when you finally speak up about your depression, no one even suspected that you were struggling, not even the woman across the street that suffered for years that you could've walked alongside of. Many masks for many issues. But what Jesus wants is for us to be plain with our issues. I love the story of the woman with the issue of blood. Many don't connect with her story, itself, because the common thought is that her issue was that she was bleeding. But when research is done on how women with blood issues were treated back then, it was more than just blood that she was losing. She lost money, she lost friends (I'm sure), and she lost time. She was isolated. I know that because she crept through the crowd to get to Jesus and did it very low because she touched the HEM of His garment. There is no hem in the middle or waist or side. A hem is at the bottom or the top. It's where the clothing begins or ends. She stretched out her hand to touch the hem and reached Him! No masks, no hiding, and no concealing who she was or what her issue was! It was blood! But she, by faith, was determined to be healed and she knew that He could do it. Had she hidden herself when she heard he was passing through, she would still be bleeding today! Okay, not today but you get what I mean.

David spoke about his hidden sin in Psalms and how sick it made him. Ezekiel spoke about "fire" being "shut up" in his bones when he kept his mouth shut. There is certain je ne sais quoi about concealing things. That doesn't mean to "go tell it on the mountains, over the hills and everywhere." No! That is reserved for His Gospel and other exciting news that you want to share. But each of us, including me, should have a small arsenal of prayer warriors/ iron based folks that can help us sharpen our iron. We don't all have that "friends since birth" blessing that some have and so we have to work at finding those few who can walk with us, hold up our arms when we are tired, tell us when we are wrong, receive lashings from us with grace because we know we are wrong and act as make up remover wipes for the concealer that we long to wear as a cover up.

Be who Jesus died and rose again for you to be. Be transparent. Be honest, first with God and yourself. Confess when wrong. Repent of wrongdoings. Retire your masks. Be the flawed apple of His eye. Oh... and retire the masks.

Transparent Power

2017-01-23T05:30:00.000-06:00

Transparent Power

Now to Him who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us Ephesians 3:20

This post is a long time coming. I see now that I have been journaling along, just not on paper or on a consistent basis. But this post, the revelation of it, has been long coming. This post isn't about losing or getting power turned back on in the house. No, this was right before we were evicted that I started this post and so this power I started to blog on was and is about His infinite power. So let me begin...

It has been almost two years since we were evicted from the only consistent home my children knew. My youngest began her school career there and also began to the last year of her school career at the same. Being an air force brat, this is a huge thing as I am used to moving around.

The very act of packing and moving was a tremendous strain; it took effort for me to even begin because I was in such denial that we would even move. For me, a miracle would be that God stepped in and stopped this injunction against me. But He didn't. And we were evicted. And so began what seemed to be another dark thrust in this journey called life. I have had a few completely dark parts of my life outside of my childhood and all that happened there. I have had abortions; I have had surface or sexually motivated relationships, much as one does who is starving and they see chips and want/ eat those instead of a meal. I have been in a harsh marriage and committed adultery. I even have a span of time where I was with the person that I committed adultery with simply because I thought that was the "lot" I had drawn and was now stuck with it. Thanks be to God for His grace and mercy and infinite patience with me as I stumbled around in the dark during that time instead of asking Him to simply flip on the Light switch. And now this... ultimate failure in being able to keep a roof over the heads of my children who looked to me for support. My friends Depression, Despair, Guilt and Shame as well as the quiet companion, Suicide, seemed to turn up at my pity party and then turn on me much like the friends of Job did. It went from Woe is me to eternal inquest within seconds! I was able to hold them off as I was busy with packing and throwing away things. And then just as I had been able to shield my kids from the harshness of seeing the Constable's notice of eviction posted on our door, lo and behold, another blow! We had to go back as they were there to retrieve my son's pet... a very cruel deed that I felt was done by the enemy to "kick me while I was down".

But even through all of that and the year and a half subsequently after, which has not been an easy road, I understand now what David was talking about in his psalms of outcry. He spoke to his soul, trying to figure out why it was so downcast, encouraging it by saying to put hope in the Lord and that he would "yet praise Him." (Psalm 42-43) He even had to do this more than once, why? Because he had more than one dark time. I knew much about that! He also talked about his body wasting away when he did not commune with God, confess his sins. (Psalm 32) There are so many where I knew just where he was at, I would even say out loud, "Yes David! I know just what you mean, bro! I'm there with you!" But what I had never realized before was the ending of each.... a declaration of praise to a God who seemed to be silent, otherwise preoccupied, not dealing with him and his mess at the time, just not there. He praised Him anyway. Whew! You mean say, "thank you Lord" instead of "ouch, this hurts"? Oh man....

Through the power of God that I talked about in the beginning before jumping into my long-windedness (no, it's not a word), I have seen that it's not about praising Him instead of the pain or even in the pain, THROUGH the pain. Oh what a difference His Word makes when you understand what He meant and not what you want it to mean! Here is what I mean.

When a crew for a rowing team, whatever you call them, begins training, they are not where they need to be. They may be very fit, very capable and think that they can drop a boat in the water and immediately win a race. But it's not true. According to Ellen Tomak, a rowing coach, 12 week training can improve rowing stats. In an article by her, she lays out and explains how rowing is a full body workout. There is work to be done, not just for one team rower but for the entire team as they will need to know how to work together, not just know their position. But the second the team works as a team and not as people, who have different positions in one boat, the ride is not only smoother but more effective and faster. When we begin to understand that we will have pain (john 16:33), that is not an option, and that Jesus has already overcome this dark world, we can begin to brace for the impact. That doesn't mean we try and steer away or think of other methods, routes to take. But it also doesn't mean that we are able to just focus on our part, our pain that we are in and leave the rest of the team to fend for theirs. We must set a pace to which we can ride the pain out. We don't have to embrace it but we should acknowledge it and know that through our weaknesses His strength is made greater. I referenced the rowers because even during pain, during cramps, during a bout of motion sickness they may have; in screwy weather, when someone is missing or cannot seem to go on, they still have to keep going. We are, according to Paul, running a race that cannot be stopped. So we choose to either stop, focus on whatever the pain is and sit out the race or we address the pain and lean on Him to help us get across the finish line.

A big deal with me, for all these years is that I was listening to "Should be", the cousin of Envy. This was telling me where I should be in life, what I should be doing, what I should have, and how far my family, my kids should be according to those around us. I have recently chosen to stop looking at others from the outside and deal with what I can, me on the inside. How's that going, you ask? It's good, it's bad and it's ugly but it's God power dealing with all that is within me and loving my beautiful mess. How is He dealing with you?

Transparent Hospital

2017-01-22T06:43:00.002-06:00

"I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners, to repentance." Luke 5:32

I had been away for awhile as God was doing a work in me, through me and for me. Even in the last couple of weeks I have been sick with what seemed to be, dramatically, my death but was only a mild sinus infection. I thank God for that! I wrote a few times but even those seemed strained and constricted. It was hard to sit down and write, hard to focus, even harder to get the words out. It was almost like a... excuse the crude description... a writer's constipation. But then I noticed that my mind was on what I was going through, so I had to refocus my "focal point" for this labor.

That got me to thinking about how Church is like a hospital. I've said that many times before, wisdom that can only be from Holy Spirit, not fully understanding the words as they left my naive mouth. But as I see myself laying on this invisible stretcher with labor coaches around me encouraging me, telling me to keep going, I get what it is like to be a part of this Hospital we call Church. Let me take you on a tour of it.

There are many facets to a hospital, many different uses for that one building. There is surgery, ICU and NICU for those patients who need special care as well as rooms for inpatient visits. There is a wing for internal medicine and outpatient visits such as regular check ups and there is the emergency room. This room alone can take up a fourth of the hospital! Oh how many times I have been in the emergency room! I often even wonder if sometimes the entire church becomes an ER by the way the sick continue to fill in. But then I remember that even in an ER, when the injury or sickness is severe, there is always a hospital stay for care, observation and recovery time.

I wonder how many times we, the Body, have sent sick people home without instructions for care, or rushed them from the sick bed in which they laid even though they were not fully well. I wonder how many times people have been wounded in our care because of the rushed work that was done, the misdiagnosis that were given, the crowded rooms as they lay unattended because we did not have the time to give everyone the same attention because of our time constraints, our limited "staff"... I am thankful that the place where I worship now is sensitive to Holy Spirit's call for impromptu alter calls, times of healing prayers and words of encouragement. Even when no one stands, because they are too sick or focused on their pain to hear their name being called, we call anyway.

In Jesus' ministry, he was condemned by selfish leaders for this very thing. For talking out of turn, for doing things out of their order, the way they were used to. But he kept going, he kept doing, he kept healing, he kept freeing. And as people who are to follow in His footsteps, shouldn't we do the same. I long to be able to see, and do, things that are out of the ordinary such as stopping someone with not just a word from the Lord but perhaps just a hug. Or seeing someone hurting or angry and smiling at them with a smile of freedom, a contagious illness called joy. I long to see those of us who have been healed in the Hospital and are now working or volunteering in it to be giving the same attention, the same care, the same love that was shown to us "when we were yet sinners".... Be encouraged, use the "faith that was given you" to do what God has called you to do!

Welcome to JEHOVAH HOSPITAL where all lives matter and no one leaves the same...

Transparent Request

2016-05-25T13:12:00.000-05:00

When they had crossed, Elijah said to Elisha, "Ask what I shall do for you, before I am taken from you." And Elisha said, "Please let there be a double portion of your spirit on me." 2 Kings 2:9

When my kids were much younger, shortly after their dad's and my separation, I would cook strategically. When I shopped, it was for a certain amount, even with using food stamps or money that I had. I bought a certain number of drumsticks in a package (I actually still do this), a certain number of packed meats or veggies, etc. I did this because our resources were limited which made our food choices limited. On days when one was sick or spending the night out or if I had already eaten/ was not hungry for some reason, I would ask my kids what their request was to eat. I remember my son saying on one such day, "I don't care, Mommy, but I want double." To understand why that was and is so funny but truthful, you must know that my son, my middle child, loves food even though his small frame back then didn't show it!

I wonder if that was the case with Elisha... What a request to make and an honor to Elijah! It took such boldness to say what most of us think when we are around people of "greatness"! And what scary thing to request... Just take a second to think about that. Let's go back over Elijah's life in hyper-speed to understand what Elisha had just asked.

Elijah came in just as Ahab, son of Omri, became king of Israel. He was the guy that Jezebel threatened after all of her priests were killed. He had done all of these great things in faith and yet when this woman (remember women were low creatures) threatened... no, sent someone else to threaten him, he got so scared that he wanted to die... Like... Wha???? Anyway, after her dismal death by a disjointed worker was done and she became yummy or not so yummy treats for the dogs of the area, he settled into a sanctuary and began to mentor/ disciple Elisha. (1 Kings 17-2 Kings 2) and so leads back to this verse I chose.

In the beginning of chapter two of Second Kings, Elijah has done incredible work for God. Elisha has gotten to see the bulk of this work, so you know he is in awe of God and the power used through Elijah! So much so that when Elijah tells him to stay behind and asks what he can do for him, in a last request from your favorite performer sort of way, Elisha did not hesitate!! I didn't read, "Let me think about it" nor "can I get back to you" or "umm... welllll"..... No! He immediately said, "Please let there be a double portion of your spirit on me,"!!!! Wow!! Even Elijah knew what Elisha had asked for he stated back, "you have asked a hard thing." (2 Kings2:10) That got me wondering, why? Why was it that hard? Here's why...

The original text for spirit is ruwach. The meaning is breath, air or wind. It is derived from the same word meaning smell or scent; perceive or accept. We each have a spirit. We know this because it is with a "broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart" (Psalm 51:17). Wind is never the same for the same person. For me, I love a good heavy breeze. Case in point, recently, I have been becoming so sick that I am near being physically ill or passing out. I don't know why yet but when it happened earlier this week, I was outside this time. I am one that doesn't like to throw up outside.... So as I tried to make my fastest turtle pace walk to the front door, up the stairs and to the bathroom, once I reached the two steps that lead into the house, I knew I was not going to make it. Normally I will lie on the cold floor and fall back to sleep but this time I only had the heat of the day and the hard concrete steps on my side, it seemed. But just then, there was a rash of hard and heavy breezes that came playing through and they were so refreshing to me that it could have been God standing over me breathing onto my almost lifeless body for everyone to see! But fir someone else, who may have a fever, or just like the heat more than they like the crisp air of the fall evening, this same breeze that almost knocked our trash cans down would not have been received well. Much like "each is given a measure of faith" (Romans 12:3), God knows what we can take in our spirit. Scripture says, "To whom much is given, much is required" (Luke 12:48) and this aligns with Jesus asking the twin brothers that wanted to sit at the "right and left" of His Throne in Paradise if they knew what they were asking.

So much responsibility, so much heartache, so much hate coming his way! But I do think that Elisha knew because he had journeyed with him for much of his ministry. He saw, he heard, he lived it with him. But at the same time, he didn't know what went on in Elijah's head... What demons tormented him and tried to psych him out or throw him off course. Now align this with today's world...

So many want what someone else has. Money, time, materials, husbands, wives, children, ministries, hearts, faith, testimonies.... Yet they do not know what it takes, nor do they have, to carry them. We want what we see, in today's world when it comes to coveting others.... Elisha desired what he saw God doing in the life of Elijah. It wasn't the status, the fame, the name that many feared... It was the God of Elijah that he sought after and he knew that Elijah and God were very close in spirit, what we would call besties today and more. I long for that! I want that! I want to know God so well that He speaks as well of me as I do Him. Wait.... he does speak well of me! It's in His Holy Word! He speaks well of you too! Get to know the God of your salvation, the God Elijah and Elisha. The God of the impossible. It's okay to have someone that you admire and long to be like, if that person exhibits Jesus to you. But don't just want to become like them, long to be just as much Jesus in someone else's life as they have been in yours. That's a double portion!

Dear giving Father! Thank You so much for the gifts that You give us. Thank You for the breath that you handcraft for each of us. I ask, Lord, that when we are in need, that You would give us that extra breath, that extra portion in addition to what You have already given us. For whatever we need.... In Jesus name! Amen!

All for You and Me!

2016-03-27T13:08:00.000-05:00

Crucified!

“But because of our sins he was wounded, beaten because of the evil we did. We are healed by the punishment he suffered, made whole by the blows he received.” Isaiah 53:5 GNT

"Of the many paradoxes of Good Friday, one of the strangest is the way in which Jesus’ death transformed something totally ugly into something stunningly beautiful. Crucifixion was a punishment reserved for the worst of the enemies of the state. It was cheap--prisoners could be nailed to any tree and left to hang there till dead. It was public--the passersby could come by and gawk, suitably discouraged from committing such crimes. And it was excruciating--beheading was instantaneous, but a crucifixion victim could linger in agony for days.

The Romans’ worst punishment was God’s choice for the punishing of his Son, whom he now considered to be the worst sinner of all time. The prophet Isaiah, seven centuries before Christ, was allowed to look into the future to see the strange way in which salvation for the human race would be won. “He was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities” (Isaiah 53:5). There is no longer any condemnation or punishment for those who believe in Christ. His precious body was pierced by dreadful nails; his precious wounds bring you healing."

This is an excerpt that I read earlier this week from bible.com. It brings some realities back to life for me. How about you? On this Celebration of His Resurrection Day, make it a point to not only thank Him for what He has done for you, but also to reflect on the pain that He took on for you... Whether you asked for it or not... Blessings!!

Alive!!!

2016-03-27T12:48:00.001-05:00

"In John 19:30, Jesus said, “Tetelestai . . .” which means, “it is finished,” the debt is paid, the punishment has been fulfilled!" (excerpt from the It Is Finished Was Just the Beginning devotion from Calvary Chapel Ft. Lauderdale in Youversion)

This morning alone, this word has set me on yet another level to journey... Tetelestai. I started merely thinking, "Ooh! That's a word I want to get tattooed!" And then I began to wonder where to put it, and then what would be the best reason, like why am I getting it and why am I putting it there because I am psycho- analytical like that... And I mean... PSYCHO and analytical separately and fully... So there's that... anyway, that led me to look up the word in the Blue Letter Bible, which seems to be my "original text" go to. What I found was that the word was not the same. It was transcribed as "teleo" which also means finished. But there was a difference that I needed to understand and so Holy Spirit put in me this hunger to know why it was different and to learn which was which. *Side note: I wish I did this with more practical things like what I and my kids watched, what we listened to, what we read and even what we ate. Don't you?*

As I jumped into trying to figure out the difference and which was right, I asked for guidance and for God to show me which was right. I went to my rusty, trusty Google and typed in asking what the Greek meaning to the biblical text of "It is finished" and this popped up: https://carm.org/it-is-finished and Holy Spirit used this to rock my existence!!

Although I love to write and am a lover of certain English subjects in school, I never really grasped the concepts of certain grammar lessons or sentence structure and so I never paid attention to that portion because of it. But I just learned today the sentence structure of this one POWERFUL word is known as perfect passive indicative. Never heard of it either? Welcome to the non grammar boat! I almost went back to the Google list when I read that! But Holy Spirit had me stay on it and read (something I really hate doing if it has to do with learning). What I learned is this: the word tetelestai creates a "perfect tense which indicates that progress of an action has been completed and the result of that is ongoing and in full effect". Gibberish to English translation? Sure! It means that when something is done, when the work is completed and you still get results from it!! How about an example cause I think some may have let that fly by!! When you grow a fruit tree in your backyard and it begins to bloom and fruit is produced, the tree will continue to produce fruit long after you close your eyes on this side (unless someone tears it down). There's nothing else that you have to do!! It's done!! HOW INCREDIBLE!!!!

So when Jesus said, "It is finished (tetelestai)," on the cross, he had fulfilled everything needed for our salvation!! We can't make ourselves anymore saved, anymore redeemed!! We DO need to carry our cross daily, we do need to remember that faith without works is dead, we do need to bring people to Christ, spread the Gospel, love our neighbors, love each other, care for those who need it, etc., but we cannot make one more deed that will ensure our salvation. We only need to grab hold of it, much like the fruit tree. We don't NEED to prune or cut or prim like we do, we just need to pick the fruit!! How AMAZING is our God!!! What really stuck out to me is the fact that God is an English Teacher!!! Hahaha!!!!

ABBA, thank You for Your teaching, Your grace, Your mercy with us such a slow moving people! Thank You for the gift of Your Son who not only lived in such a way as a blue print for us but fulfilled prophecies, gave himself up to be tried, found guilty and crucified, died on the Cross but also rose from the dead so that we could live as He loves in us!! I love You Lord!! You. Are. Worthy. To. Be. Praised!!! Amen!!

The Long Drive Home...

2016-03-17T05:30:00.000-05:00

The Long Drive Home

This past weekend was exciting! I was going to see some long lost friends from school and get to visit my birth city that I had not been back to since I was 2! We planned and saved, we crossed our t’s and dotted our i’s. Then the day was here!! I think I drove the entire way there, only stopping once for an hour to sleep (I figured out I can’t drive in the dark as much anymore). My daughters’ and I had so much fun! I was so excited for my classmates to meet two of the Terrific Trio (Son Me had to work)! We did everything our wallet allowed and some more! We bonded and more!

And then there was the drive home… I had been so excited to get there that I didn’t realize how hard the trip home might be. I seemed to have forgotten that this was the same weekend we sprang forward in our clocks and that ALWAYS through me off for a few days. And then I planned to make a few stops on the way home! No Bueno! I did well all day in driving, and then night time came… I struggled the entire time and what was a 13.5 hour trip became a 22 hour trip with all the stopping I did!

On the way there, I remembered driving and apparently blacking out because one minute there was a car in front of me and the next, there wasn’t! Only coming back home, I had to either succumb to the hypnotizing road in a perilous way or surrender my will to stay awake (which wasn’t very good) to God and allow Him to lead. Let me tell you, that was a struggle!! I never realized how much of a struggle surrendering all to Him was until the drive back! I wanted to keep going so that I could get my girls home. They slept most of the way and Mini Me was not feeling well, so it was just me and God. Talk about an Abraham wrestling night!

As the night went on and I realized that was not strong enough to do this on my own, He began to gently lead. I stopped more than I would have liked to, I rested more during the stops than I had decided and the night seemed to drudge on longer than a ship lost at sea looking for a lighthouse signal. I wound up driving overnight and it was horrific! But at the same time, I was at peace. I knew God had us… And then just as it began to be very heavy with fog and the view was even more skewed than it was with my eyes always closing, the dawn broke in! At that very moment, I was listening to a message where Tony Evans said even in a storm, the sun still shines. I wanted to post that on Facebook but couldn’t stop. Then as I drove past a mountain, I saw what he had just said! This is the picture I took, and the Scripture I heard…

TBH... I WANT TO DIE!!

2015-11-19T08:06:00.000-06:00

"Why wasn't I born dead? Why didn't I die as I came from the womb? Job 3:11

Can I just be honest and transparent for a moment… You know what, forget that! I started this blog a few years back when I was struggling with some things and he didn't exit, and also wanted to be transparent for other believers who are normally silenced in the church for being transparent… so with that being said, I am going to be honest and transparent! And for the believers, who can't deal with that, are uncomfortable with that, don't believe that that's something that should be done feel free to shake your "sandals" off at the door as you leave and I send you with God's blessings.

This entire year and a half has been, to say the least, a horrendous sifting season. I have gone from being evicted, stranded, broken, depressed and suicidal, too… aww heck I'm still there! And it doesn't seem that December is bringing any type of end to the struggle. I already have so many heavy loads on my shoulder that it's ridiculous! And now it seems that the situation will worsen by the middle of December… all I want to do today is sit in a corner, under a blanket, and silence and switch up between crying and screaming for the next two months. I almost feel like a kid who is just been told that they have to take on adult responsibilities with the $10 allowance that they have. I'm expected to pay bills that I don't have money for, I'm expected to stay strong, I expected to stay positive, I'm expected to stay upbeat and I'm expected to keep forgiving while people keep throwing or reminding me of my old dirt, including those close. What I really want right now… is to die. It's kind of that feeling when you're swimming in the ocean (I've never been swimming in the ocean before so I don't know) and just as you decide that you need to turn around because you're so tired, and then comes a massive, gigantic wave deciding that you are its latest victim and intends to swallow you up.

Have you ever been in that place? Have you ever felt so backed up against the wall, that it seemed the wall was even turning on you? I'm at the proverbial crossroads of anger/bitterness and hopelessness. Angry because I can't seem to get ahead, I can't seem to put a dent in what I have, I can't seem to succeed and hopelessness for… well, honestly, the same thing! This is crazy!!

But what's really crazy is this piece that won't seem to leave me alone. I mean, I know that I can't pay these bills plus what's about to be added on my plate, but I can't seem to panic like my flesh wants me to. There's a song that, although I don't listen to these two sisters anymore, just stays within me like a good piece of steak and potato that sticks to your ribs. Have you ever heard the song What is This by Mary Mary? I can't seem to get the lyrics out of my head! Of course there's also the song "I Have Peace Like a River" and "You are My Strong Tower" that just keep swimming around my head like little characters when the cartoons get bonked on the head really hard! Let's not even go into the vast array of Scripture that is coming up like heartburn when you are 8.7 months pregnant (ladies I know you know).

John 16:33 is a loud one. So is Psalm 46:1 but at this point, I don't want to be still. I want to SEE what is coming so that I can decide if I'm going to run or brace myself! There is Hebrews 11:1 but I think that my faith is about as cloudy as my vision without my glasses, right now (yes, I'm that blind!).

I want to do what Jesus told us to, to give Him our burdens and take on his instead. But I think I've been holding onto these burdens and allowing others to place there's on me for so long, that my hands of cramped up and won't seem to let go. So now what, Jesus? Now what do I do since my hands won't open up? What do I do, now that I feel like I'm in a stop and stalled car right smack in the middle of the busiest interstate in the world? What good is beating my chest, as Paul said to do, going to do me? What good is "confessing to one another" going to do me when so many people in Your Church don't want to hear the struggles because it reminds them so much of their own and those that are struggling have adapted to the world policy of "God helps those that help themselves"?

Yet I feel like the Psalmist (David) who declared how brittle his bones were, how dry his throat was, how much in despair he was and yet his soul hoped in God... and he encouraged his soul in this trying time. I know that I will.

I know that I will get pass this. I know that He has a plan, that He loves me, that He cares for me and that He plans for me to succeed, and not fail. That doesn't make the journey down this path any easier. So, just like a bus ride that I have rode so many times before, I will ride this one only this time with joy. It may not always be on the outside, I may not feel it, but I know that it is there. It doesn't change that I want to give up, that I want to die. It just changes the fact that I know I won't and that I know He will walk through this with me. It's not the first time and it won't be the last. All I will ask is that you who read this will pray for me. #Selah

Where Have You Been?

2015-06-26T19:31:00.000-05:00

They did not find him, so they went back to Jerusalem looking for him. (Luke 2:45 GNT)

Today is June 26th, 2015. On January 22nd, 1973 the Supreme Court made a decision to legalize abortion. Today, they legalized same sex marriage. I'm not shocked. If you read the Bible on a regular basis, does not include every Sunday right before you teach Sunday school, you would know as well. Romans 1:24 tells us that they were given over. Second Timothy 3:2 tells us that the world will be lovers of themselves (me first), boastful (bragging and wanting others to brag on them), etc.... Why did we think the government and courts would be otherwise. We as a Body have become desensitized to what we are supposed to log as evil and against what we are supposed to hold as True because we have done exactly what we were called NOT to do. We have become "of this world" instead of just living/ traveling through it.

When Jesus was 12, he went to the temple with his earthly parents. When they left, he did not leave with them. Why? His statement "didn't you know I would be here" has always confused me because of how he addressed his mother. Why would she know he would be there? Why did he think she would figure that? Because Mary was told from the beginning that he was the Savior of the world. She knew that her son was really the Son of God and after having him for 12 years, she had begun to settle into motherhood. So by the time she got back to the temple after frantically searching everywhere, my guess is from fear and shaming herself because she had forgotten her child... God's child, she was angry to find him securely discussing and listening to the leaders of the church in that time. She scolded him... and he answered.

My point of choosing this particular Scripture when I could pick other ones that discuss why homosexuality is bad and not to be condoned or participated in is that these decrees that we force feed and spiritually rape the world with are. for. us. Not them. They are of this world and it is our job, our calling to bring them to Christ not dress them up like we would our loose friend that we want to spend the night but know our parents would ever allow. We have spent entirely too much time harking on what they don't need to do and what they don't need to watch and what they don't need say and what they need to believe and if they don't listen then we need them to know where they WILL be going. We have literally made hell a resort compared to heaven because of our actions. Sure, there are a few who will go head first, not knowing and being lied to but it would be their choice after we share HIS Gospel, not ours. His Gospel tells us His love of us and what He did for us and how He longs for a relationship for us and how to get that. NOT brimstone, fire and hell as parting gifts when they don't agree or surrender or hord'oerves when they come close! We have it wrong! We are shining the wrong light! Even when we are guiding a brother or sister (fellow Christian) back to His comfort, we do it "gently" according to Galatians 6:1, not with a blinding light shining in their face and showing all their transgressions bare backed!

Where is our grace? Where is our mercy? Where is our fight aimed in the whole scheme of things, towards the enemy of our souls or the people in similar flesh? Where is our compassion based on how we knew we were when we were fallen? Where have we been? Do I think this decision would have taken place if we had been focused on His Kingdom instead of changing what is uncomfortable to us? Sure! This is a fallen world and we cannot assume they will get it right; it's why we are here. What I did not figure in is the backlash from Christians. Instead of getting on our knees and reminding God that we are those few "righteous people in the city" that Lot prays for and that God would spare this nation because of our sake. Not to save us and give us more time on Earth! But to allow us to GET TO WORK and bring more people to Him!

People, friends of this agenda are right when they say "let these people do what they want"... God is, who are we to say no? They are not right when they save "love is love"... I want to make sure that my readers understand that I do NOT support gay marriage. I have loved ones and friends who are in these unions and I love THEM, not what they do. I will accept anyone regardless of what lifestyle they lead but I do not accept any sin as condoned. I am mourning but my mourning comes from a different perspective. My mourning is because we as His Bride are losing our salt at a rapid rate and God is saying "Where have you been?"

God... forgive our sins of being closed mouthed, afraid and tolerant of sin.... Help those who are sent to awaken Your people to do what they are sent to do! WAKE UP CHURCH!!

NOTE****** I am seeing Christians allow despair in by saying things like this is the “darkest day in American history” or I am in serious “mourning”, “heartache”, etc. My question is why? Did we forget who is really on the Throne? Did we forget that He knew this day was coming as surely as He knew about each devastation that has come and will? Do NOT allow what seems as a temporary victory for the enemy to distract you from being on your knees, giving thanks to Him and interceding for our world. They need our light more than ever and in order to keep it bright, we need Christ more than ever. Despair, depression and mourning have no place in this. It is a dark world and they will make dark decisions. We need to get on top of this horse and control it the way we know how, with the authority given us in Christ Jesus!!

Transparent and Truthful Tithing/ Giving

2015-06-08T05:00:00.000-05:00

After some time Cain brought some of his harvest and gave it as an offering to the Lord. Then Abel brought the first lamb born to one of his sheep, killed it, and gave the best parts of it as an offering. The Lord was pleased with Abel and his offering, but he rejected Cain and his offering. Cain became furious, and he scowled in anger. (Genesis 4:3-5 GNT)

He had a good night at the casino. He woke up in a generous mood. When he was dressed and went to grab a bite to eat, he tipped the waiter extra. He set off to church whistling and singing. "The service was great", he thought. The choir was angelic, the pastor hit on some good points, although he kind of crossed the line when he spoke about lying being the same as murder. The man decided that he would send him an email about that. When the pastor came back up to speak, the smile quickly left the man. The pastor wanted to set up the giving time. The man had a complete attitude by the time the pastor was done and as he watched the rows getting up to drop in their change, bills, checks and envelopes; he argued in his heart about giving. He had never seen the point of setting aside money when he gave it all the time to people on the street, his doorman, people who served him... It was too much! "And yes", he admitted in his heart, "I did win last night but that's not my wages so I don't have to give." But not wanting to look selfish in front of the congregation, he went up anyway and angrily dropped in a $5 bill from his stash of $7,200 winnings. After leaving abruptly, he was still angrily laying out his conversation he would have with the pastor and did not see the person, until they ran into him. "Sorry!” they yelled out and kept going. At this point, his mind was full of rage. So much so that he didn't reach in his pocket to count his money again, something he had even done 4 times while in church, until he got into his apartment and decided he needed cheering up. With a quick smile, he reached in and shot his head up as he replayed what had happened to him on his way out of church. All he could was drop to the couch in disbelief. Of all the times he had been to that very church and had money in his wallet, this was the first time he had been pick-pocketed.

This story illustrates how we, as believers, do each time we are asked to give God what is His. It may not be as dramatic for all; it may not even be literal. It may be that the pick-pockets are bills or some shopping done where you spent more than expected. It could be just in your heart and you are not a cheerful giver. Whatever the issue, we have somehow lost sight of what we have in our possession. We have forgotten that all that we own is to be surrendered to God, not just 10%. Yes, we decide what we give, however everything we have; He gave it to us. Without Him, we would have nothing, no matter how hard we worked.

Take, for instance, a loan that you have taken out for your car. You owe the financier the car payment/ the principle of the loan, but you are also paying interest on the loan so that you are essentially paying more than you saw on the ticket price. Depending on the loan place, if you miss one or more payments, they will come for your car.

Tithing is essentially the same with one major difference. God does not NEED your money! He owns cattle on a thousand hills! What you have is chump change in comparison to what He has without you! You’re not giving because He needs you; you’re not giving to the church or to put the pastor in a plush home and vehicle (although that happens sometimes). The ONLY reasons you are giving is because a) it is a command b) its His anyway c) to show your appreciation of all He has given you despite you and d) it is your act of worship. We selfishly assume that the building will crumble or God will cease doing daily miracles without our help. We assume that the church will change views of we threaten to "take our money elsewhere." NEWSFLASH!! This is not a business transaction that flutters on your very whim. Retail and other services have led us to believe that we are the cat's meow when it comes to consumerism. They have led us to believe the lie that the "customer is always right" and we have taken that mindset to church. We believe that of we are not pleased with service, we don't need to pay. This is not the case. The enemy would also have us to believe that the church is a greedy whore that just wants our money. This is also further from the truth. There are two simple things that have helped me and I think can help you if you struggle with bringing "the whole tithe" to Him who it already belongs to.

The first thing is poverty. No matter what are status is or how much money we have, we are all one step away from poverty. Although I have never been wealthy or well off, I have been to the point where I could pay bills on time. During that season, I thought it more important to spend money on things not needed. After all that, I would give 10% and if I couldn't give the entire amount, I would feel bad and decide to give the balance the next time. My bills always came first, or spending before God. I thought because I was giving, it was okay, fully missing the point of "first fruits" when it came to tithing.

Now that I am in a season of poverty where ends are deciding they have better things to do than meet, I am finally seeing the value of giving. It has taken me most of my desert journey to get why God did not honor Cain's offering in Genesis 4. It wasn't just because He liked Abel more or because he was the youngest. There is a word that was used for Abel's giving that wasn't for Cain's... first fruits (verse 4). Cain gave out of obedience only; Abel gave out of worship, honor, love, gratitude and obedience. There was a decision Abel made, that Cain did not. He only gave because he was told to and taught to, Abel gave because he was grateful and knew he was giving to the Lord what was already His. Boy, what a difference aforethought makes!

The second thing is it's ALREADY His!! "The Earth is the Lord's and the fullness, thereof, the world and all who dwell in it." (Psalms 24:1) All this means is that it is already His. You’re not adding to His vast Kingdom, you're simply bringing it back when He gives it to you. He gives to us for that reason, to place into His care; all that He has given us in this world. Not just money but material, family, ministry, gifts, it's all to be given back to Him. My life verse, Matthew 6:33 tells us to seek His Kingdom and all His righteousness FIRST, that is a command. If I don't have any money to seek His Kingdom with, I bring my time and my talents. I give my first fruits of everything, all of me. I bring everything I have, sometimes that will be sacrificial, to His Kingdom for His use. The second part of that is a promise, "and all these things (in the previous verses) will be given to you..." It's that simple!

We, as humans, make it complicated. We begin to rationalize everything. We see a derelict on the street and immediately think that this person is lazy, they must be a drunk or drug addict and they need to get up and get a job "like the rest of us." So we justify that God wouldn't want us to support their "habit" and go pass without thinking of it again. It then becomes habit for us and pretty soon we are regular judges and don't even look their way. But what does the Word say? Galatians 5:14 says "love your neighbor as yourself." If you were in that predicament, would you want help? Matthew 5:42 says "give to the one who begs from you and do not refuse the one that would borrow from you." Another one is 1 John 3:17 and that says "if anyone has the world’s goods and sees his brother in need, yet closes his heart against him, how does God's love abode in him?" There is a whole host of them if you do a word search and I will leave this list with you. http://www.openbible.info/topics/giving_to_the_needy

So I comes down to this, are you willing to give God what is already His? "Give, and it will be given to you. Pressed down, shaken together and running over. For with the measure you give, it will be given back to you." (Luke 6:38) Let me give you a visual picture of this, if you use a measuring cup when a neighbor comes and asks for some sugar, you will be sure to get just that back. But if they ask for some sugar and you give the bag, which is in there "pressed down, shaken together and running over", how much more will you receive when in need? Only God knows, will you put Him "to the test" as He challenges in Malachi 3:10? I am!

Transparent Test

2015-06-05T05:30:00.000-05:00

Then the Lord said to Moses, “Behold, I am about to rain bread from heaven for you, and the people shall go out and gather a day’s portion every day, that I may test them, whether they will walk in my law or not. Exodus 16:4

Just reading the above verse... Isn't that the one of the hardest challenges you have ever heard?! "I'm giving food but don't get more than what you need for that day..." I'm thinking that will take work, precision, calculating how much everyone will eat and be full, timing (because you go out in the early morning to get the full day's worth).... or trust. Ouch! Here we go with that word again...

One of the most difficult things for me to understand, early on in my driving experience is the side mirrors... The message says "Objects in mirrors are closer than they appear". Even as I write this, I'm laughing at exactly what God means by it! I wonder if this is what pastors and leaders do when they are preparing for a message... Anyway, I always wondered what exactly it meant, because in my view, they never LOOKED closer when I looked in the mirror. I didn't grab hold of what Chevrolet, Nissan and the other car makers were trying to say at first. And then the other day, I saw this gorgeous car and wanted to take a picture of it. I gave, probably threw, my phone at my oldest child (they are so forgiving and accommodating) and asked her to be the photographer. Then I forgot about (A.D.O.W.T-attention deficit... ooh what’s that) it and went on with life. A few days later while cleaning my photo stream, I found it and immediately knew it would go with this as the flickering light in my head began the long task of switching on.

You see, what I had understood in the natural is NOT what God said in the Bible. Let me repeat that one more time. What had been my understanding with my natural eyes reading to me is not what God said when He breathed out His Word. My understanding is that I must be doing something wrong, my screw ups must be following me, I must be the black sheep and bringing about this stuff on myself. I must be pushing my blessings away as I continue to wake up and fail each day to make Him first. That I need more and He must be okay with me suffering. But His Word says HE will rain down from heaven, and I only need to take what I need for the day. He says that He will supply all my needs. He says that He will open a window in Heaven and pour out and that what He gives I will not have room enough to receive.

But that side view into my circumstances, Lord. These bills, Lord. The cramped place and borrowing the car, Lord. The sickness, Lord. The doctor says 6 months, Lord. He says he wants a divorce, Lord. They told me I would never have kids, Lord. No... what I didn't realize was the purpose of the side view mirror. I am one that always turns around when I drive. I do look into the side mirror but also over my shoulder. Here is the difference between looking and relying only on the side view mirror. You will not see what is in your blind spot. You will not see cars that are right beside you or passing. Accidents happen more so for those who only trust the side view. I've almost been in that predicament a few times. The same is relevant spiritually. When we focus more on the side view, what we CAN see, in our lives, we are more prone to crash or panic and worry.

He has set a table before us in the presence of our enemies. Let's focus on Him and not them. Eyes off the side view and on the road please. You will get a distorted view because the objects in the mirror (though the blessings seem far off and the road dark) are closer than they appear.

Transparent Anger

2015-06-04T09:25:00.001-05:00

Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger,

and give no opportunity to the devil. Ephesians 4:26-27

"The godless in heart cherish anger; they do not cry for help when he binds them.

They die in youth, and their life ends among the cult prostitutes. Job 36:13-14

Every day, thanks to the media, we see injustice acted out on blacks. A man is shot while running back away from the police, a young boy is shot while pointing a toy gun in a park, a riot happens in a city while the mayor and city officials sit by until it "gets out of hand", a young man is killed because he is walking in an apartment hallway with his girlfriend. We hear the questions that are asked. "Why?" "Where does it end?" "Where is the justice for us?" We put on new slogans, pictures and gestures to protest and bring attention to the supposed genocide of a race like, #blacklivesmatter, #handsup #notasavage #dontshoot, wearing black hoodies even in professional settings, lying down in the middle of intersections and riots. We cry out "JUSTICE" for the slain and to the law officials who have allowed these rogue humans to enter the one job where it is of utmost importance to be neutral towards race, sex and more. "To serve and protect", what happened to that mission statement of the police? When did it become about attacking before investigating and shooting to kill rather than to injure? When did we become the hunted? Let me tell you when.

I've decided to take a turn to discuss a very emotional, very heated, very volatile subject today so bear with me as I gracefully write this to shed light on both sides and share what I believe the truth is. Because this is a Christian blog and I only speak what is Truth from the Bible, it will be no different here. I welcome all comments but warn that this is not a debate, a trolling area or a place to throw insults. I respect your opinion and expect the same for anyone choosing to comment, language is ABSOLUTELY NOT permitted.

The first Scripture that was chosen is one that explains what we should be doing and how. As you can see, we ARE allowed to be angry. As Christians, we are not called to be passive, weak children of God; we just aren't supposed to throw stones and point fingers at every sin... That's for another blog. As black people, it is exactly the same. For 300 plus years, we have been carrying around a burden, an anger that is not ours. Yes, blacks were brought over under false pretenses; yes, they suffered mightily under those who were their "lords" and "masters"; yes, we have racial profiling, authorities who abuse their power, a government who would like to keep us bound and a society that views us all as animals and rogues. BUT those who have scars on their backs did so for us. They became land owners, business owners, teachers and professors, world renown and respected FOR US. And yet today, we are still screaming about some 40 acres and a mule? To listen to the voices of those who were before us, I hear the hurt, the pain, the disbelief and disappointment. They lost lives, families, spouses, children, dignity, virtue, and skin. BUT through all that loss, they gained freedom not only for themselves but for us as well. In those same voices, I hear freedom, determination, success, victory, love, and a godly fear that was passed down. But then our circumstances began to rise above their voices. Our problems began to get bigger than their warnings and the Truth they gave us. We began to despise our beginnings because they aren't "aggressive enough" and "demanding enough". We then began to listen to those who would give us whatever entitlement told us was ours. Greed stepped in and it wasn't enough, what our ancestors left us. And we forgot what they taught us through their suffering. We decided that even though Jesus in John 16:33 tells us That we WILL have strife as long as we live, that we didn't need to suffer anymore. They paid our debt and we should get back to being kings and queens like they were in Africa, Jamaica and other countries. But we never looked into their pasts to see the work they did.

That's when anger started to take a turn for the worse... It was less righteous anger that thrust us into making changes in ourselves and in society, it became about outlawing the "Man". Thus today, we have enabled, excused, vindicated and even overlooked those generations of passed down hatred, aggression and rage. We look at what other races are doing and want it. We point the finger at them when our black males are impregnating and leaving, selling and exploiting women, killing each other and whoever else is in their path, whether literally or verbally. Our black women are emasculating our black men and sons, teachings our daughters that even though we hate them, in order to get somewhere we must act like white women, turning on each other and betraying our sisters and ourselves each day. Our business owners are the ones who have higher prices and expect more from us while being crooked and looking out only for self. Our black leaders do the same while making a bad name for us.

We are a people who if we would only unite, under the Most High, would take over. Why do you think we are kept in fear of discipline our next generation, sending our sons out to play or live, our daughters to do the same, put knowledge and success in books yet keep them from the poverty stricken schools and our kids away from the wealthy ones? Because what the majority knows is IF we united, we would become a force to be reckoned with!

To the majority, I simply say that I appreciate your efforts to help. I appreciate the churches that come into the black and poverty neighborhoods to help. I leave this with you. If you TRULY want to help: 1. ask us what we need, not tell us 2. do what you say you will, not change the rules of the game 3. don't give in to the anger of which you have no personal knowledge; empathize, not sympathize 4. you are NOT our savior but brothers and sisters sent to HELP, not save, conquer or command 5. we bleed the same. If you are not able to walk by a black person and fear not run through you, please stay away until the love of Christ is louder than your fears. Those who are enemy driven will smell that and flock to you to take advantage.

Here is my assessment. We ALL need each other, the Church DEFINITELY does not matter of what color you are. When we, the Body, get rid of black churches and white churches and Hispanic and so on and ask forgiveness of our sins... THEN will He hear from Heaven... You know the rest (II Chronicles 7:14). That's when we will be able to make an impact on the rest of the world! When we stop seeing colors and begin seeing our sins, dealing with them and pouring out love.

http://memory.loc.gov/ammem/collections/voices/

Something Lacking... Part

2015-05-04T08:59:00.001-05:00

Then Jesus went with them to a place called Gethsemane, and he said to his disciples, "Sit here, while I go over there and pray."

And taking with him Peter and the two sons of Zebedee, he began to be sorrowful and troubled.

Then he said to them, "My soul is very sorrowful, even to death; remain here, and watch with me."

And going a little farther he fell on his face and prayed, saying, "My Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me; nevertheless, not as I will, but as you will."

And he came to the disciples and found them sleeping. And he said to Peter, "So, could you not watch with me one hour?

Watch and pray that you may not enter into temptation. The spirit indeed is willing, but the flesh is weak."

Again, for the second time, he went away and prayed, "My Father, if this cannot pass unless I drink it, your will be done."

And again he came and found them sleeping, for their eyes were heavy.

Matthew 26:36-43

Jesus, at this point, was so close to his death that his flesh wanted to take over. So what did he do? He prayed... He didn't panic, he didn't lash out at others, he didn't on a drinking, drugging, killing, spending spree... He prayed. And he took those who he knew could also lift him in prayer. But, like us, they were human focused.... You see, Jesus was God focused. The disciples were Jesus focused and most (before the Twelve) never went past being focused on Jesus, and the Twelve who were taught by him closely could not go any further until all of his words became truth to them.

Even before his death, they who were brought by him to pray for him, were sleeping. They tried to keep watch and heavy sleep overcame them each time. My belief is that this was done to show them their flesh... Jesus a tone point told them, "The spirit indeed is willing, but the flesh is weak." (Matthew 26:41) This wasn't to show who he loved more, this was to show that he loved despite of our weakness. We all fall short, we all have days where we forget or have to consciously remind ourselves to pray or read in our Word. Yet He still loves us. He warned them and us at the end of this chapter that we can sleep and rest later, but during times of extreme struggle and trials, in those times when we feel like we could die (Matthew 26:38), we need to know that sleeplessness and restlessness will come from time to time.

There is a trend we are right in the middle of, myself included, where in the wee morning hours, even before the sun is up, we wake up out of our sleep and reach for our links to social media. I've seen it and done it.... You see the words from believers that have become a banner for the early risers... "why am I up," instead of "I'm up, who can I pray for?" And this is no means for condemnation! I have been there and then beat myself up for wasting such precious time. But this is what's missing... what's lacking in the verse from Matthew 26. We are lacking the drive, the stamina, the strength to pus through our flesh who has become as loud as ever and listen His Spirit within us. We then use the excuse "Hey, I'm human," or "God knows my heart!" Yes we are and yes He does! That's where the issue lies! He knows that we are merely human and need guidance. That's why Jesus walked the Earth instead of just "dying on the cross for us", to show us how to do this as a human. He was human "and yet did not sin" (Hebrews 4:15). He also knows our heart, that' why Jesus had to come be a living sacrifice for us, because our heart, our flesh is evil. But just as Jesus pushed past the pain he KNEW he would go through for us who repeatedly turn our backs to Him, we need to do the same when it comes to our flesh and feelings. It's also why He sent Holy Spirit after Him. Because He knew we would need a constant Teacher to guide us.

Lord, forgive our unknowing and blatant sin of feeding this vile flesh! Help us to starve this ticket to hell and nourish our spirit by following Yours! Help us to fill the void... what's lacking with Your Word and not with idle or idol things.... Thank You for Your grace and mercy in dealing with us, Your children. In Jesus name! Amen!

It IS Well...

2015-04-15T10:20:00.001-05:00

Whether it is good or bad, we will obey the voice of the LORD our God to whom we are sending you, that it may be well with us when we obey the voice of the LORD our God." Jeremiah 42:6

This song, It Is Well by Bethel, has been haunting me, following me ever since I first heard it. It seems that it is synonymous with the plague or trials that have been stalking me in excess of 12 years now, one after the other. Up to this point, I have learned the Truth in bits and pieces and it was very much visible to others with my actions and reactions. The original version by Horatio G. Spafford speaks so clearly the verse that tells us to give "sacrifice of praise". In an article I found while trying to make sure this song wasn't watered down, the author speaks of Mr. Spafford's continuous struggles. Starting with the death of his son and ending with the death of his three daughters, financial ruin and a captain of a ship that thought he should know that they were moving over the very spot where his daughter's had died. (By Tina Truelove, It Is Well With My Soul, the Story Behind The Hymn) How crazy is that? How do you lose your children, your fortune, virtually everything you have yet make such a powerful hymn? Because he knew Who held his future, Who was in control. He epitomized the very first chapter of Job because it truly was, no matter what was surrounding him, well with his soul. Out of pain and anguish, loss and brokenness birthed this powerful song.

When I first surrendered my life, asked Jesus into my heart, knew that my life was a mess and only He could fix it; however you want to say it, it was out of a week filled with sleeping around with depression and suicide, swimming in festering pity and surrounded by greed, hatred and intense anger. The very moment I heard His voice, I knew I needed Him so much more than I needed this life I tried to keep with a man who did not want to be kept, but wanted to keep me to himself. I can say that it was NOT well with my soul though I tried to make it seem that way to everyone else and myself.

But my journey was a typical one of faith. I did begin to seek Him, I did begin to hear from Him and even though decisions at that time concerning my life, family and even church were by far the craziest, I knew that was the way He had directed me to go. My issue is that I thought it was because that was His will for me. But that would mean He wanted depression, struggling, poverty, brokenness and strife for me. His Word says the contrary. Now that I look back, He was directing me in what has been the longest, hardest desert I have been in yet, not to punish me but to grow me. There are flowers that distinctly grow in the desert amidst all the sand, scorching sun and dry land. They survive the scorching sun, the dry land with barely or no water yet they grow into some of the most beautiful flowers I have seen. In researching these flowers, I found out that there are those flowers that are only pretty to look at, those with either medicinal purposes or smell good and those that have both medicinal purposes AND very fragrant. I am wondering which we all are. ALL of us will go through a desert season, but how we come out, or bloom, is what makes the difference between a bitter, pungent smelling flower or a fragrant one that can bring healing to others.

One thing I do know about seeds and flowers is that it comes at the price of another flower. Seeds are not just planted by us self seeking humans who believe life only happens if we make it. Whether a bees pollinates another flower or it wither and dies to release its seeds, life begins there. What we see is the aftermath of many dark days, many grueling nights for the seed as germination begins. Much like pregnancy when the egg is fertilized and growing begins on the outside. We as women can feel sick, we have mood swings during pregnancy, we ache, we itch, and we begin to see our body do things we never thought possible or said it wouldn't. We, and the seed underground, are stretched beyond reason, but not too far. God promises that we will not be given what we cannot bear (1 Cor 10:13), no temptation will overcome us. This simply means that HE already knows what we can bear, not by our understanding but by His standards. He knows that we can do it, that we can handle it, even when it feels like we can't. But at the end of the pregnancy, at the end of the time allotted for the flower to bloom there is beauty. Did you catch that? I just did! AT. THE. END. Now don't take a deep breath and say finally, no more struggles. Jesus warned us that there would be "in this life", in our lifetime but that we should take heart because He already won the battle for us! A pastor that I listen and learn from frequently said in a recent message, "we don't fight for victory, we fight FROM victory." -Pastor Paul Sheppard, There's an App For That. How freeing is that!

Today, it is well with my soul. I can say that honestly. I can also say I am blessed beyond measure (Ephesians 3:20). Not because of what I have or what has happened or my healing or even how great my life is at this moment. No, I'm still broke; I'm still without a house of my own or vehicle. I still don't know where all the money I needed within a few weeks span for bills and graduation will come but what I do know is that it is well with my soul. Why? Because my circumstances do not feed my soul, He does.... Is it really well with your soul today? Do a self check, take a few quiet minutes to assess how you act, react and take things in context. Do a soul check because you saying the right thing, doing the right thing or going the right way doesn't feed your soul, being in His Word, allowing Holy Spirit to check you every once in a while and surrendering does. What seeds are planted in you during your desert season and bloom?

Seeing In the Dark

2015-03-26T05:30:00.000-05:00

Though He slay me, yet will I trust Him. Job 13:15a

Why are you cast down, O my soul,

and why are you in turmoil within me?

Hope in God; for I shall again praise him,

my salvation and my God. Psalm 42:5-6

Why are you cast down, O my soul,

and why are you in turmoil within me?

Hope in God; for I shall again praise him,

my salvation and my God. Psalm 43:5

Today has already been a hard day... It started out as any other. I woke up, read my Bible plan for the day (I even did it before looking at Facebook) and prepared to take my mom to work. I woke my youngest up as she gets ready while I am gone. Last night she had a little attitude because I got on her about not moving when I tell her to do something and even addressed her mumbling to her brother (he's next for listening and not correcting). But this morning, she was fine and even joyful! A new day, thank You Lord! I dropped her off, came to get my oldest and take her to work and my focus began to shift to how little gas we have (for the rest of the week, mind you). I stopped focusing on God and began focusing on what I didn't have. The enemy settles in so subtly and then goes in for the kill...

By the time I got back, I knew my prayer time would be rough but I was okay, so I thought. I turned on my prayer playlist on YouTube and got ready... and then the tears began. The shame began to flow through, the the guilt rose up... again. Last night replayed and how my youngest wanted seconds but we didn't have enough and so she seemed disappointed. I seemed to have been too busy to recognize my broken heart over that until today. Emotions seemed to sweep over me... what I can't do, how I am not equipped, how tired I am of things, what I need... Me me me...

I read a prophetic word that was anonymously given on Sunday to me and even that seemed to bring more tears of how worthless I am, alone. This seemed to be a rough chaffing day, a day of God removing some things that were deeply planted in my heart. And even as I replayed our eviction, the many times in need, the bills I can't seem to catch up to, the tuition and teachers who count on it I let down, my daughter's trip in less than two weeks which I don't have the money for (less the donation given). I seem let everyone down or say what shouldn't be said or continuously ask for things (beg)...

So as I cried, I wrote this down (bare with me, it's long):

My confessions: I'm tired of being broke. I'm tired of not having what's needed. I'm tired of being homeless and my kids sleeping on the floor or not having what they need. I can't seem to do this right, not even at the end of my daughter's last year. I can't seem to fight procrastination and spending. I can't seem to stay focused. I can't do this. I am broken. I am alone. I am lonely. I am without help. I am lying to myself and others when I seem okay or good with it. I am not. I am always 3 steps behind when there are blessings to be had. I need help. I need to hear Your voice, Your wisdom, Your instructions for me. I need provision. I need to see the manifestations. I need to have faith and trust You more. I need to know and see that this is almost over. I repent of my selfish perspective and vain imaginations. I repent of my pride. I repent of my attitude and lack of focus. I repent of not seeking Your Kingdom and not following through. I repent of not seeking Your face but instead Your hands. I repent of keeping some of my life away from You. I repent of serving manna, not You. HELP MY UNBELIEF!!!!! I don't believe the provision will come. I don't believe I will receive Your promises because I don't deserve them. I don't believe that someone will bless us with a vehicle and house but that you want me to work for it all, not so ministry. I don't believe I can do what's needed to prepare my kids for their futures.

And then I realized that something was happening. I was hearing truths spoken in my spirit as I spoke out these emotions and lies and venom about His daughter whom He loves. My feeling are real, my thoughts are real, how I feel right now is real... But His truth in my life is even more real. So then as I read this out loud, I realized some truths and said these things: I'm tired but You are my strength. You said I could come if I am weary and you would give me strength. I can't but You can. You said with me this is impossible, but with You ALL things are possible (that just choked me up again, dang it! I'm almost out of tissue). I feel like nothing right now but I am made new in You. You said You would never leave me nor forsake me. You would never see Your seed begging bread. I do need, but it's You that I need. You said You would give my daily bread and in that I need to trust. As I repent, I know I am forgiven.

In the course of this crying out, wanting pass over the bad stuff and realizing I need more of His presence, not what's in His wallet, I am still worried, I am still stressed, I can't see my way out of this darkness... But He can. And that's all I need to rest in right now.

If I go or not, if my daughter is able to go or not, if we lose the rest of what we have, we STILL have CHRIST and that can never change. He never leaves or forgets us, we walk away and forget Him.

Thank You God for walking me through this painful reminder today that You are all that I need. I still hope that all turns out well and that someone will bless us with what is needed to go, to move in, to drive but even if none of it happens, Your Word is still true and You are still good and for that I worship you.

Smh...

2015-02-26T10:24:00.001-06:00

If anyone hears my words and does not keep them, I do not judge him; for I did not come to judge the world but to save the world. John 12:47

While doing my daily morning routine of driving my oldest to work, I had a small ephipany... of course it occurred because someone had come from the other side of me, swerved in front of me (nearly making me hit them) to get into the left lane and turn. I, in return, laid on my horn, probably a few more seconds than required and then began shaking my head... smh. As I did this, a question was posed to me. Why do you shake your head at people? Well as quickly as it was posed, I reasoned the answer. I need them to know the dissatisfaction I have with them, the frustration they bring my way when I am merely driving! And then it struck me, when we shake our heads, we are still judging. Think about it! When our kids do something dissatisfying OR a better way to say it, not pleasing to what WE feel should be done or said, we shake our heads. When someone walks by and has on something WE would not be buried in and don't think anyone else should wear either, we shake our heads. When something is not to our approval, we shake our heads. Whether it is furiously done to make sure the person sees it or in our minds or even slightly to hide the disgust, we shake our heads and we are judging.

To judge someone in the dictionary means to form an opinion or conclusion about the subject. It's a verb. It's something that we DO. Even those who are saying, right now, "I would never do that, I never judge", you just did. It's our nature when things aren't as we think they ought to be! We give a "side eye", shake our heads, make a grunting or breathy noise, or say/ do something to make it known that we are not pleased. But if we are genuinely seeking to be as Christ, we aren't supposed to. His words were (and still are) "... I do not judge them..." How powerful this word is! How halting it would be if we followed Him totally and surrendered! Think of those who come into His hospital that we call church wounded, scared, wondering who will judge them or hoping someone can so they can be justified in their sin... yet they would come in to love, acceptance of WHOSEVER they are, not who they claim to me or what they look like. Oh what a day of restoration and redemption and celebration that would be!

I recently saw a post on my Facebook timeline that got me to thinking... It read along the lines of "where is there a church in (city name) that accepts gays and lesbians..." My flesh met me first with, "They don't need a church like that! Think of all the sin and backsliding that would happen!" And then God reminded me of how I was in a similar boat, needing a church that accepted couples who were living together adulterously. Ouch! How crushing to my ego was that! I had been one so filthy I with my sin that I joined everything I could just to get accepted and loved. But what I really wanted was for my church family to accept my sinful ways and not speak on it. Sadly... they did and I remained in that sin until I surrendered my life to Christ.

But what if the church this person, myself and others are describing was the church they stepped into. Our churches... Ourselves. Each of us. Being the Church that JESUS spoke of and bringing that into the buildings/ homes we worship in every week. What if we took off our Daddy's robe and became the mediator, the ambassador that brings folks to CHRIST so that when God judges them, He will say the same thing He has said on your behalf... "Not guilty." What if...

Now with this, I want to make sure I am clear. I do not agree with the agenda or lifestyle of homosexuality, and that is my right as a free person. BUT I do love every single one of them and choose not to judge them. I also expect that the choice my to judge is to be returned by any who support the agenda. Why? Because the "do not judge" is not just a weapon aimed one way or to be altered to suit one group. It is and remains for ALL because He loves ALL!

I pray you will all read, get offended, read again, find reasons that I'm wrong, read again and see that HE is right.

No More Silence

2015-01-31T11:54:00.000-06:00

You are the fountain of life, the light by which we see. Psalm 36:9

This weekend is a huge time for those of us who are football fans. Especially if one of our teams played hard and won to go to Super Bowl. We plan for this weekend for weeks and/ or months. Today, Saturday, is the day of preparation for food, decorations, counting people invited or finding a place to join in on the fun; and tomorrow is the day to lose our voices for our teams, laugh too hard, for some, drink too much, eat too much and win or lose bragging rights or even money.

But in a darker place... a place not across the ocean or in a distant land, but a place right here in the U.S., probably right in your state, in your town.... in your backyard, there are many who are silently crying out. They are being prepared and transported to the site of the Super Bowl this year. They are being threatened, starved, broken and some are even being abducted right now to fulfill the "orders" of predators that pay to have these victims as companions. What a parallel!

Earlier this week, God placed it on my heart to start an event on Facebook to cry out to the heavens for these who have no voice. I have no idea why, I have never been trafficked or abducted or sold into slavery. But this quiet fire has been burning since He placed it there this week. I spoke with His passion about apps that can lead to such travesties at my daughter's school on Wednesday.

I want to say let's go get them! Let's go jump the perverts who take advantage of them. But then I know they are not the root... The root is greed which extends to the owners of these sex trade circles, the people who "buy" these victims and even the city officials and the community who sit idly by knowing it "could be" happening yet not lifting a voice, an eye brow or a even a finger to help. Our silence is our ignorance. It's time to speak up. It's time to demand change. It's time to be the fountain of life which the Psalmist speaks of in 36:9. Change will only begin when we put it into action.

This passage is being directed to the Lord as the "fountain of life". But it doesn't stop there! We are to be LIKE Christ, and if Christ is LORD of our life, than we are to be Him for those who do not know Him. So that would mean that WE are to be the "fountain of life, the light by which we see." Yet we sit by and wait for Jesus to come back and do it. Dear ones, some of His last words here on earth while in flesh were "It... is.... finished." He completed His part in three years, let's complete ours now!

This is not a call to condemn and make you pull out your checkbook for an organization, this is to wake you up "O, sleeper" and call you to get to work in the harvest that is set before us! What's your part? I'm doing mine.

Here is the link to the prayer chain we are doing this weekend:

https://www.facebook.com/events/1409667175999046/?ref_dashboard_filter=upcoming

And here are some links to point you in the direction if you need help finding what you can do, if you are in and need help getting out or if you need healing from a past experience:

http://rejuvenatingwomen.com/

http://traffickingresourcecenter.org/

http://notforsalecampaign.org/

http://www.state.gov/j/tip/id/help/

Seasons Slump...

2014-12-29T12:45:00.000-06:00

He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. Psalm 147:3

We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; 2 Corinthians 4:8

The sound of bells jingling, the smell of fresh pine, cinnamon and baking in the air. The cheerful sound of "ho ho ho, Meeeeeerry Christmaaaaas!!” coming from the bellies of those dressed as Old Saint Nick and others and the appearance of season's greetings filling the air. But something else fills the air during this supposed joyous time. Much like the dreaded seasonal flu sicknesses taking flight in the air, being passed quicker than the school yard notes about the newest fight happening after school... depression catches on when we least expect it, before we can even deflect its damaging symptoms. Some don't even know they are depressed yet daily push people away, grumble at the season’s greetings... and even get kicked off of flights for the anger associated with depression.

I was one of those people up until a few years ago. No, it wasn't when I surrendered that I was freed from this isolating sickness but when I REALIZED that I was silently succumbing to depression. Every year somewhere between the middle of November and the beginning of December I would begin to retreat to my room. Usually, I would have faithful visitors in my room in the persons of my three kids. We would sit and watch TV in my room, listen to music, and when they wanted go outside and play, I would usually watch them from my room. There was only one thing wrong with my sickness... I did not know I was sick. Friends and family would call me and ask several times a week, "Are you okay?" and follow up with the comment, "You sound empty." You see, I thought I was doing a great job of hiding the loneliness, the despair and the feelings of not being good enough that seemed to be confirmed every time I stepped out of the house (usually for church). I apparently had gotten so good at it that I didn't even know when depression came to visit. I knew all I wanted to do was sleep, I knew all I wanted to do was stay in the house, I even knew there were times when I couldn't force myself to eat for weeks on end, even though I made my kids. I liken it to having a large animal (let's go with hippopotamus size) on my back or around my neck yet never knowing it. Even the first year that I had surrendered my life, I tried to make amends for certain things and actions towards family and friends but quickly sank right back into my cold, dark dungeon of a cell when I didn't feel the apologies were good enough. I felt, once again, like a failure and the enemy was right there to, faithfully, greeting me with the all too familiar "I told you so's".

But the enemy wasn't even the problem at that point... I was. You see I was free, I just didn't realize it. I knew at the exact moment when I was supposed to surrender, I knew that I heard God say to me "If you let Me, I will love you." What I didn't know was that I wasn't just surrendering my broken heart from a tumultuous relationship, I was to surrender even my broken dreams, my broken spirit and the lies that I had been told for years that seemed to surface like old coffins when the ground opens up from years past. I was still depressed.... there I said it; I even contemplated suicide a few times. The very thing I thought would free me, salvation, seemed to thrust me further into depression because I just could not get it right! BUT GOD!!

In the past 5 years, He has been showing me time and time again that I am worthy of His love, His time, His faithfulness! Let's face it! I have messed up quite a bit in the past 5 years, yet He still loves me! And not because of me but because of Him! That is the straw that broke the depression camel's back! At first, I couldn't understand why God kept sending people to tell me that He loves me during some of the darkest times of my life. It felt like I was sinking in quagmire (quicksand, I just really wanted to type the other word) and people kept walking by as I was calling for help and saying "God wants you to know how much He loves you." I could not wrap my mind around this statement. I felt like even saying some of those times, "I don't care!! How is that going to help me??" But it was the constant knowledge that He loves me that cushioned each fall, each push from someone, each disappointment, each bump in the road.

Depression is a mild cold that you can sleep away or "sweat out" the fever. Depression is a killer, plain and not so simple. For those of us who are Christians, who live out His Word, we need to set the example to those who do not. We can't do that if we are not transparent about our struggles. They will not see that we are human just as they are if they only see our "Sunday best" and nose turned up to most things done in the world. They will not know that Jesus is the Truth, the Way and the Life or that He cares for us as Scripture says if we are not SHOWING that we need it from time to time ourselves. For 2015, I want to start THIS year long, possibly LIFELONG challenge. That we would LIVE out the footsteps of Christ, that we would show others, not just tell them, that we have troubles just like them. I will be the first. My name is Felicia and I have suffered with depression, feelings of worthlessness and have had thoughts of suicide. But that's NOT who I am!

Father, thank You for Your faithful pursuit of us, Your constant wayward children. My heart cries for those who have to deal with depression as I have. Lord, help Your children who have overcome to be a true beacon of Light for those still in the darkness. Help us not to be disgusted with their appearance and ways but only with the sin that entraps them. "Give us Your eyes so that we can see..-Brandon Heath" In Jesus precious name! Amen!

If you suffer with depression or even think you do, call your doctor immediately. Here is a list of symptoms:

http://www.helpguide.org/articles/depression/depression-signs-and-symptoms.htm

Transparent Image

2014-12-03T09:52:00.001-06:00

So God created man in His own image, in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them. Genesis 1:27

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new. 2 Corinthians 5:17

As a young lady, I was always aware of my flaws. I was always looking into windows (makeshift mirrors), in mirrors and any reflection I could find of myself. Although many thought I was looking at perfection, and I didn't correct them, I was really looking at all the many things wrong with me. I was always looking so that I could find a way to correct it. At the age of 21, I believed the lie that I was fat and was always trying to lose weight. In reality, I weighed anywhere between 125-135lbs... soaking wet. I was a stick, basically a black Twiggy with a butt and I had no idea. No matter the attention, no matter what people said, I was fat. This continued on up until I had my last child, had a mental break and went on an unintentional food fast for two weeks straight. At last! I was thin! I could wear things I had not in years, I could see my figure again, and I didn't feel fat and ugly anymore. But this was an illusion I was all too happy to believe.

Now, ten plus years later and 50lbs heavier than when I was 21, I look back on pictures of myself and think why did I listen to that lie? We, as women, tend to believe certain lies about our image, some lies are negative... and some are positive but they are all lies. What I am finding out about myself and my daughters is that we have to be comfortable in the flesh house God packed us in. Society will force anorexic looking young women down your throat and say this is what men want, this is the only way you will be accepted and we believe it. Department stores will quietly say the same thing by literally dividing the "juniors and misses" department from the "plus size" clothing. It's almost like an alienation of anyone over the size of 12... and even that is pushing it!

Here is the Truth that God wants you to know today. You are "fearfully and wonderfully made" by Him! He didn't make a mistake, He didn't accidentally add too much skin for you to be in and He most certainly does not look at you in disgust because you do not fit the mold of society. It's time for us to break that mold and be who we were meant to be and we can do that by moving past our focus on our outer image. For after all, if the inside is not cared for, it will soon ooze out and damage the shell. How do we do that you ask? How do we move past the insecurities and walk with our head high? I'm glad you asked!

When we surrender our lives to Christ, the Bible says we become NEW creations, the old is dead and new replaces it. That also goes for thoughts, habits and mindsets. Let's look at all three for a second or two with these two scriptures in mind: "Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised." Proverbs 31:30 and "Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own," 1 Corinthians 6:19.

Thoughts, this is the first place attacked to get you distracted from the plans God has for you. If you think you are fat, ugly, not accepted, different, etc., that is what will be because you have accepted those thoughts that are not yours. This is why God's Word says to "take every thought captive" (2 Corinthians 10:5) which means to literally take the thought (not physically of course) tie it up, bring to Jesus and leave it there. You can do this by checking that thought at the door with His Word. If a thought comes that you are not good enough, check it at the door by looking in His Word for something similar. Where does it say, "you are not good enough" at... It does not, but it does say because of Jesus, you are! Look at verses like Isaiah 43:25 and John 3:16.

Habits, this is a hard one to break! Duh! Habits are thoughts that become actions and are formed when done over and over. Will you do something you are used to again after surrender? Of course! But as you dive into His Word, the desire should be dying within you and soon loose you so that you are free to be free! Habits can be what you do, what you wear, what you EAT, what you read, what you listen to and even what you say! What we put into our mouth must be worthy of the One living in us. Eating in moderation, not diets, is how we maintain our healthiness (along with exercise). We are called to keep our temples running right. If we are bogged down with junk food, fast food, and chemicals society is now saying is easier, cheaper and NOW, we cannot live correctly, we are committing a slow suicide (so to speak). Care for your body and it will take care of you! Habits are easy to form and hard to break but we must be conscious of our thoughts which will make us aware of the actions behind habits. Just remember Proverbs 3:5 and Isaiah 55:8 when beginning to face habits that are not like minded with Him. And don't try to break them yourself, the power word for this is SURRENDER. Surrender them to Him, be honest, ask forgiveness and let Him know what you are thinking, doing, eating and saying and that you want to be in line with His Word. He is faithful!

Mindsets, a mindset is another way of thinking but more damaging than thoughts and habits. A mindset is just that, a mind that is set in its ways. The Bible speaks on those who have other mindsets. They are called a "stiff-necked" people. Ouch! If your mindset is out of line with God, you indeed have a stiff neck! But God is a God of the impossible! Even stiff-necked people with their own mindsets can be surrendered and living for Him!

Notice that these three I listed are from within. Our true beauty, our real image starts from within. It doesn't matter if your outfit is "Pinterest worthy" when your heart is not temple worthy.

Father, forgive our ignorance in this area. We are forced to see at some point in our lives those who society wants us to model after. Guide our eyes to YOU, the only One we need to model our actions after and our body will fall into line with Your Word! In Jesus name! Amen!

If you are one who is struggling with self image, here are some links for you. They include healthy eating, godly fashion and even my up and coming forum just for this subject! YOU ARE WORTHY!!! NO MATTER WHAT THE MIRROR OR THE WORLD TELLS YOU, YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL!!!And the picture I added shows beauty at its most natural! we are ALL beautiful!!

http://sparkpeople.com/
http://www.girltalkhome.com/
http://www.dove.us/Our-Mission/Girls-Self-Esteem/Vision/default.aspx
https://www.facebook.com/groups/YABgirls/

Nothing But... Transparent Truth

2014-11-24T05:00:00.000-06:00

Though one may be overpowered by another, two can withstand him. And a threefold cord is not quickly broken. Ecclesiastes 4:12

I have been seeing a picture circulate on Facebook for a couple of weeks now. At first glance, it sounds good. "Dance with God and He'll let the perfect man cut in." I even liked it and I think posted it.... but then I ran across it again this past week and God showed me somethings. He reminded me that He never leaves me nor forsakes me. So if that's true, He is not just going to let someone cut in our dance, He will let them join us. He also showed me that we are all imperfect because of our flesh, because of sin. So if that's the case, there is no way He is going to let the "perfect man" cut in because other than Christ, there is no perfect man. So what is your point, Felicia?

My point is more than breaking down this meme. My point is that we must be careful, we must be mindful, we must be awake, alert and aware of our surroundings in order to not be misled by the "trappings of this world". We, as Christians, cannot accept every "feel good" saying and accept everything as truth but we are told to "test every spirit". This includes those small, innocent pictures and quotes that float around social media and the sayings we are used to.

The more obvious objection of this meme is what it says about marriage. Ecclesiastes 4:12 says that a "cord of three is not quickly broken". Everyone remembers that, and it is used in a lot of wedding ceremonies. But look first at the sentence before that. "...one may be overpowered by another, two can withstand him." A couple of people can withstand the enemy and all that he sends to tear up marriages.... Did you see that? A COUPLE... a married couple can withstand.... but a cord of three is NOT quickly broken. What is the third strand? God!! He doesn't dance with us until the "perfect person" comes along.... He knows that we will have dances that we have not practiced, dance steps such as finances, juggling a family and work, communication, adultery, loss, etc. that are harder and need the Third person to lead... and some dance steps such as growth, patience, growing faith, maturing He will just be quietly dancing with us. He doesn't force us to keep Him as lead in our trio, but nevertheless if He is not the lead partner, the enemy is.

God, forgive us for making our weddings, our marriages, our lives about us. Please take the lead as our dance Partner in our lives whether single or married. As women, we trust You to bring the not the perfect person, but the perfect person for us to level out our imperfections. But until, and if then, we trust You as our Dance Partner and are satisfied with You! In Jesus name! Amen!

Transparent Faith II

2014-08-20T09:18:00.000-05:00

And my God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:19

This second post come months after the first one, which I did not intend. But I now see God had many other things for me to go through. This has turned out to be a longer journey through the desert than I could have ever expected, but oh the needs that have been met!

The first Transparent Faith post was back in October, shortly after the death of my uncle and the miraculous way God took us to Tampa and back. It was an immediate need that was met immediately. This go round, the need was immediate but also a longer process. This time it was about losing provision, shelter and even comfort and an old way of life. But I knew... I know that He loves me. I never got that before. I never understood why when I was suffering, people would come in droves saying "God loves you; He wants you to know that." I get it now.

This process with the eviction was prolonged because I fought it and He allowed it knowing that I was scared. I was scared of change, of the unknown and even what people would think (those who know me know that is so not me). This by far, was one of the two worst things my family of four had been through. But I knew that I knew that I knew that He had us. I cried, I pleaded, I begged, I even denied that it was happening for a while, but there was a stillness, a peace in me that knew that it would and that He had us.

We are now in the second phase of this current "homeless" journey even though we have a roof (staying with my mom), have all the necessities that most don't when they become homeless. I have no idea where this will take us but I know Who will take us through us. Even as I finish this blog up three months after this happened, the song Whom Shall I Fear by Chris Tomlin is playing on my worship playlist. That is no accident. Neither is any of this. I know that we have one more year here in Omaha and I need to get busy with my assignment here! I know that we will be moving soon, I believe to Ralston (a nearby neighborhood). I know that with the provision that is "dripping" out on us, when it finally pours from His window in heaven, it will be an incredible downpour for all!!

My point of this second part is to say simply hold on. In the midst of the chaos going on around you, your bills, your hurts, your pain, your sickness, your disappointments, your heartbreaks, your transgressions and trials..... hold on to His unchanging hand and He will not lead you astray. He never said we would not go through things, in fact in John 16:33 Jesus tells us we WILL. But even in what we are going through, His promise to never leave or forsake us is still there. Hold on to that, and in the days that you can't seem to grasp it or keep hold to it (I have had those days quite frequently) then hold Him to His word. Remind Him of His promises, yell, scream, and cry, whatever but get in His face. I guarantee and double dog dare you at the same time knowing that you will not leave the same!

Stay tuned for part III of this journey because He is not finished with me or you yet!!

Transparent Defeat

2014-08-12T09:59:00.001-05:00

"To defeat the darkness out there, you must defeat the darkness within yourself."- The Oppressor- The Chronicles of Narnia: Voyage of The DawnTreader

On yesterday, the 11th of August, 2014, Robin Williams apparently took his own life. He will never have a chance to make another movie. He will never have a chance to hear the Gospel again or walk on the beach or eat his favorite foods. Anything that he ever did on earth, he will never do again on earth. Why? Because his time here is gone. His life, as we know it, has expired. Or had it?

I first saw Robin Williams on Mork & Mindy; it seems not so long ago. The premiere show was a hit and I stayed tuned until the last show which also broke my heart (okay I'm a crier en it comes to sad shows). The realization that I would never tune in to watch "nanu nanu", hit hard even for a military brat who was used to saying goodbye by that time. So to see the news of his death crushed me. But to know that it might have been because of suicide cuts even closer.

You see I have had bouts with depression. Even more recent than the last two weeks. I know the closed in feeling that you cannot escape. I know the strangling of air that grabs you all of a sudden and demands you pay attention to defeat, the feeling that brings depression back in when you've conquered it. And although I may not know the personal things, I know what goes on in the minds of those depression has an unwanted relationship with, the darkness that plummets you into an even further black hole until you feel the only way out is through death. I've even tampered with that non changing reality as well.

Depression is a weapon the enemy seems to be winning more and more with. Even among those of us who know the Truth and the hope we have in Jesus. It seems that this is an even bigger truth, that it is even bigger than God when you are in the midst of this darkness. It seems that nothing or no one can pull you out. But that's where we are wrong. That's where I wish someone could tell each person who suffers with depression, each person that contemplates suicide well before they are able to test its guarantee of a way out of the darkness. As cliché as it sounds, Jesus is the ONLY way out. His words in red are loud and clear in the midst of being questioned by one who doubted him. "I AM the Way, the Truth and the Light" (John 14:6). That alone is a proverbial life saver in this very black sea called depression!

I wish that I was a journaler so that I could go back in my journals and explain, even write some of the thoughts that I said, that I cried out during that very dark time when I told my kids I would be back and drove to my mom's house, parked in her driveway and contemplated the best way to bring this to a final end. I wish I could tell you what I texted my kids other than that I loved them and that I was a failure to them and that they would be better off. What I can tell you is what my daughters text me back (my son was in a dark place himself and so did not respond). They told me that they loved me and exactly what God needed them to say.... He threw them as a rope and I grabbed for it. But it doesn't always end that way. Sometimes, like in the case of Robin Williams and the tens of thousands that suffer and succumb to this conquerable disease, it is more than life threatening. Sometimes it's permanent. For anyone reading this, I just want you to know that it doesn't have to be. You aren't better off and neither is your family. No matter how hard and cold and dark and lonely it gets, there is always hope if you reach out for Him. Alone, and even with medicine, it cannot be defeated. But in Him there is hope, and love and grace, and mercy. There is acceptance when you call out His name. No tricks, no hidden agendas, no lifelong toiling. Just. Call. His. Name.

Someone was sailing, actually heading back in as the waters were getting rougher and rougher. The sun was at the cusp of setting and the winds were getting crisp and picking up. Out the corner of his eye, he thought he saw two people in the abusive waters, fighting to stay above the waves. As he turned towards them, hoping his eyes were playing tricks, he confirmed that it was true and immediately went into action. Having only one other life jacket and a small life saver, he yelled out to them to hang on and stop moving as much as possible. To try as hard as they could to remain calm. He saw that they were trying to oblige his commands and the flailing about almost ceased. He was able to reach them and put the life jacket around one and was about to throw the life saver to the other when a monstrous wave threatened to stop him from saving both. The one who was to receive the saver began flailing and screaming again as the boater pulled the first in. His cries fell on deaf ears as the second person bobbed up and down in the waters, even well after the wave proved to be not so threatening. The boater finally jumped in with the saver and almost supernaturally reached the second person. He put the saver around the person and told him that he was going to be okay, just to keep his arms around the saver and he would pull him back to the boat. He turned and began swimming, thankful that the second swimmer had stopped panicking and was easier to pull. What he didn't know was that the man had already given up. Even with the lifesaver around him securely, only having to keep his arms around it, not even embracing, he had already sunk into a dark false truth that he was never going to get out. He had already said his goodbyes in his heart and was ready for death. By the time the boater got to the boat, and turned to pull him in, he noticed that the reason his load had been so light was that the second swimmer had never even put his arms around the lifesaver. He had never grasped onto the truth that he was saved.

This isn't a true story or even something I got out of a book. I just made it up. But how powerful a truth for even us who are in Christ. Even we can get entrapped by the lies of depression. Ours can be a little more dangerous as we will not seek help for fear of the stigma of being a weak Christian and the judgment that comes with it. That alone stifles out voice, not the enemy, but our agreement with him to never speak out transparently about things that make us seem weak. Guess what? We ARE weak! Paul said, ".... for when I am weak then I am strong." (2 Cor 12:10) How else can we reach the masses, how else can we go out into His fields with the harvest being ready, how else can make disciples of all nations unless we first "defeat the darkness within"? How many of our brothers and sister, leaders have to die before we say enough and stand in our conquering of death?

God, oh how I thank You for saving me. Not only through Your precious Son's sacrifice on the Cross for my sins but also each day that I walk into a dark place or become angry or am in need. You are indeed faithful, even when I am not, strongest when I am at my weakest. God, I pray for those who have been in that same dark narrow alley called depression. Your Word says, "even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death..." I pray that You would remind Your children, who can then remind or let those who don't know You know that they do not have to fear any evil. That You would remind us daily that even though we will have trials and heartbreak and disappointments and sicknesses and loss that You are with us. Your rod and Your staff that guide us. God remind us that You are our hope. My prayer is that suicide will begin to starve and eventually die away because no one will feed it's ever greedy fascination and hunger to have one more.... Pour out Your love... the love that saves and covers a multitude of sin. In Jesus name. Amen!

I want to leave with this Scripture, my daughter's life verse: "In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world!" (John 16:33)

DISCLAIMER: If you are dealing with depression right now, God's Word is a great Source of help! I know it; it's what has kept me each time depression and suicide come back for more. Know that if there is depression, suicide is not far behind. And if you are not a believer or just can't seem to pray, know that I am praying for you and Jesus is interceding always on your behalf. Get help! If you are contemplating suicide and are in danger of following through, call 911! If you are depressed or have suicidal thoughts not yet manifested, call the following:

http://brokenbelievers.com/247-crisis-lines/

1-800-273-TALK (8255) or TTY 1-800-799-4TTY (4889) (for suicide)

1-888-NEEDHIM

Biblical help for youth in crisis 1-800-HIT-HOME

Rapha National Network 1-800-383-HOPE

Prayer and General Counseling www.prayerandhope.org, 1-866-599-2264

There is no pressure to know Jesus. They just want to give you the help that you need. Hold. On.

Transparent Death of Self

2014-08-04T06:30:00.000-05:00

So you also must consider yourselves dead to sin and alive to God in Christ Jesus. Romans 6:11

A church podcast that I frequently listento and gather information from, Elevation Church, has a series called Death To Selfie. A powerful look at the only twins I know of who are completely opposite and are rivals, each one having the love of a parent, not both. Esau and Jacob come out of the womb competing and at the end of this second sermon, Pastor Steve Furtick is in the kitchen with them as Esau freely gives his inheritance away for a simple and temporary bowl of "red stew". The climax of his lesson takes such a sharp turn that if your seatbelt is not on, you will fall off your seat! He goes from the twin brothers who, although they reconcile in the end, Esau can never get his inheritance back from Jacob (one fact that I picked up is this is about grace and being blessed regardless of your carnal greed for instant gratification) to the eternal reconciliatin that Christ Jesus gave us at the Cross!! Amazing!!

The reason I started with that is to show the difference of being alive to sin and dead to sin. Esau, being well aware of his hunger after a possibly long and ardous hunt, could not think further than where he was at at the moment... hungry (Gen 25:30). He was alive to right now and dead to eternity. How harsh a realization that is for me when I think of the many times, as a Christ follower, I have chosen to be alive to my sins because they felt better or looked better or sounded better or tasted better. Words I cannot take back, actions I cannot remove, feelings that poison my heart and thinking are freely chosen instead of allowing God to deal with things.

What are you dead to, sin or God....

Transparent Growth In Action

2014-07-30T07:51:00.000-05:00

And they devoted themselves to the apostles’ teaching and the fellowship, to the breaking of bread and the prayers. And awe came upon every soul, and many wonders and signs were being done through the apostles. And all who believed were together and had all things in common. And they were selling their possessions and belongings and distributing the proceeds to all, as any had need. And day by day, attending the temple together and breaking bread in their homes, they received their food with glad and generous hearts, praising God and having favor with all the people. And the Lord added to their number day by day those who were being saved. Acts 2:42-47

It's very rare that I get on a soapbox unless it has to deal with me or my issues. This is one of those times when I must extend that scepter to the Body again....

We as the Body of Christ have been off course. We have been distracted and duped into believing certain things matter when they actually don't and so the alarm must be sounded. Let me explain.

On Sunday after a frustrating morning, I was able to push through and worship at church and hear from God on some personal things, to which I'm sure I will blog about later. When I got home, while looking through emails, one caught my eye but I didn't read it. The subject line was about Jesus not commanding us to make churches full... or something like that. I instantly wondered why we are so bent on churches growing, sometimes into these mega, super packed, never personal followings. That's when God "got in my window" and schooled me on some things. First and foremost, He let me know how out of line and off course we are. He directed me to Acts 2 where the first gathering (church) was formed and how fast they grew, not because of all of the posters, commercials, "be a bringer" messages, coaxing members to get out there and find people or any other fantastic way to get people to join "our church" instead of the next pastor's church. No, they grew because they did Kingdom work... they were about their Father's business. They sold possessions, something we as believers today do not believe in (maybe we feel our items are more priceless than PURE gold decanters or SOLID silver plates, etc). They distributed among ALL (this includes those around them but maybe not in their actually "congregation"), they ate together, worshiped together and because of THIS, they had the favor with ALL people... and because of this, the Lord added to them.

How simple it is and how easy we have moved away from this simple task which is also a Scripture itself! Matthew 6:33 states to seek first the Kingdom of God and ALL its righteousness AND as a promise, He will add all else to us... the all else? That's in the passages above verse 33 if you wanna know what's included! And then to boot, He reminds us NOT to worry about tomorrow because that is a whole other day! Focus on Him for THIS DAY... hmmm.... isn't that in a prayer that Jesus taught us to pray? "Give us THIS DAY our DAILY bread"????

Let's get back to focus and do the will of our Father as HE states it. Not as we declare it, explain it, water it down, or interpret it.

Father, we repent as your children for what we have fashioned after our own desires and lusts instead of what You have for us. We have allowed ourselves to be conformed to the trappings of this world and claimed to be renewed all at the same time. We bring this disease of self to you God and ask you to forgive our sin of forgetting Your Kingdom and all its righteousness. We repent of making our church services into something that glorifies us more so than You and does our egos good more than Your Kingdom. Your Word says that if we Your people, who are called by Your name,would humble ourselves and pray, and seek Your face, and turn from our wickedways only then will You hear from heaven and forgive our sin and heal our land. I speak to every dry bone in Your family who lays defeated in the valley to arise and live. We will humble ourselves Lord, we will pray and seek Your face, and we will turn from our wicked, worldly ways and will wait for Your promise to hear our cry, forgive our sin and heal our land. Thank You God for Your faithfulness and lovingkindness while Your children run amuck in this dark world! Thank You for meeting us in the road with arms wide open as we realize we need You and come back to You after our journeys in this place! In Jesus name! Amen!