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The Love of Jesus

2015-01-26T17:15:00.002-08:00

I've not wanted to write this for a while. Mainly for fear of seeming like I'm tooting my own horn. And please please hear me when I say, that is not my desire.

At the end of last year, I joined Young Life as a volunteer leader. I'm not going to lie and say I was confident about doing this. I wasn't and I'm still not. I love my city, and I love Jesus. The reason I say I'm not confident is because I'm not a good Christian. I still struggle with God's sovereignty today. But God uses broken people to further his Kingdom, not by us, or our power or words, by Him alone. I also had never had any contact with Young Life, or worked with high schoolers in years. Being given a role, and position to impact people still at a young age is intimidating. I grew up in a smaller predominantly wealthy white city, I don't have any idea what life is like for most of the people I encounter in Denver, let alone what many students in DPD deal with on the daily. We are also starting YL in a brand new school. New YL, new school. We are in on the ground level, and most weeks, I feel like I'm not making any impact by crashing a class and hanging with students. We don't have Club, or D Group, and the weight of things not being tangible sometimes gets the best of me.

But God put my city on my heart, and asked me to go. He has lead me, and will not forsake me.

A week ago, I went to Snow Camp with 5 students and 3 leaders. It was a whirlwind weekend. I just remember sitting in the last talk of saturday. This talk was about the cross. The speaker was talking about what Jesus did for us. What he did for me. For our students. On that cross. And I began to weep. The Cross is ugly. What they did to my savior was horrifying, and messy, and unbearable. But He did it willingly. That hit me like a ton of bricks, like I had heard it for the first time. Willingly. Jesus knew he would come and die. And he did it anyway. I couldn't control my tears as I sat in a room of 500 Denver high school students, many who were hearing about Jesus for the first time. Many who would meet him for the first time that weekend.

Last night at my church home, our Pastor was talking about where we as a church were going this year. What our calling of Gospel, Community, and Mission look like for 2015. And in the middle of talking about mission he mentioned a few people doing ministry in Denver. My being at Cole DSST was one of them. He didn't mention me by name (THANK YOU!) but I began to cry again. That feeling of being overwhelmed and under qualified hit me again. But then God's love for Young Life, our students at Cole, and me washed over me. I cried because I am so excited to see what Cole will look like in 4 years. What will God's love do in those 4 years? What will the ripple effect be in Denver because of whose life he is going to move in?

I'm about to leave for our first D Group. First EVER! And I'm overwhelmed by God's goodness and mercy. If you have made it this far, Please pray for the team I am working with, the students we will encounter, and the future YL has at Cole DSST.

The Time I Almost Met My Love

2014-07-16T07:21:00.000-07:00

This post might not be what you think. And you know that is ok. I pride myself in having the ability to laugh at myself. I tend to do stupid things... all of the time. And what follows in this post is a story of just that.

A little over a year ago, I was at work. And for those of you who don't know me well. I manage a group of kiosks at The Denver International Airport. So this job has me out in the middle of the concourses, people watching, and sometimes seeing famous people. I have seen more famous people at the airport than I thought was possible. Some D listers, and some who are more infamous.

I have seen Ryan Tedder of OneRepublic fame, Candice Accola of Vampire Diaries, Dog the Bounty Hunter, AnnaSophia Robb (Soul Surfer, The Carrie Diaries), Ashley Benson from Pretty Little Liars, and Warren Sapp.

But the best of all was my beloved, Ed Sheeran. Now after two huge albums in the states people STILL don't know who he is. Which is a bit crazy to me!

But any way, its story time.

It was a normal day at the airport and I was standing next to my kiosk, and I look up and I see bright red hair on a short looking dude walking toward me. I quickly realize he's adorable, and flanked by two large dudes dressed in black. Because of this, I realize quickly it is their height that makes him look small. Then I look at him. I actually look at his face and I have a sudden realization, that the ginger quickly getting closer to me, is in fact is the ginger I had bought tickets to see in concert a few months prior.

At this point he's about a foot away from me, and I can't form words. I'm mostly bouncing up and down, and my hands are shaking by my side. I quickly notice the bodyguards are laughing at my body's reaction to being in the presents of a guy I think is quite dreamy.

What's next is the stupidest. Ed Sheeran, my ginger dream, at this point pauses for a half a second to look at the shirts on my kiosk. You would think I could kick in to work gear at this point. NOPE. I'm frozen, and I can't get any words to come out and say hello.

After they continue on their way, I snap out of it and realize he is here for something. So I grab my phone, ask google where the next stop on TSwift and Ed's tour is, in hopes to figure out what gate he would be near. After a second, lock up the kiosk, (I mean.. this seems like a perfect reason to take a break, RIGHT!?!?!) and I take off down the concourse, hoping to find that red headed song bird.

Let's be real. I didn't find him. And if I had, I'm not even sure I would have gotten any words out anyway. I would have made sounds only animals make, and seemed more weird than I already do.

So, that is the story of when I almost met my love. But rather than making sweet, sweet music together, I'm still hanging out at the same kiosk. The same place that could have changed my fate.

So if you know any bearded ginger, I'm in the market for one.

*Image via google

Empty Shelf Challenge: Book 6

2014-02-06T22:02:00.002-08:00

City + Christ by Jon M. Dennis

I feel like I read this so fast. I dog eared so many pages, which is totally not me.

In the introduction, he describes who should read this book, and I fall in with the group of people already living in the city, and longing for the Spirit to move in me, my neighborhood, and my city. This book talks about understanding the city, what God wants for the city, things you'll encounter living in the city, and how to live in the city.

I totally recommend this read for anyone who is thinking about living in the city, and for people who are here, in the city, aiming to bring the light of the gospel to the city that you love so much already.

Empty Shelf Challenge: Book 5

2014-01-29T23:21:00.001-08:00

Book Five: Gray Matters By Brett McCracken

- This is one of the best books I have read. It was for me, rather timely. I consume media like it's my job. I hate on most christain movies. I tend to think the christian music genre is a disservice to the artist that are defined by it.

Brett McCracken wrote a book called Hipster Christianity that I really enjoyed, so I was excited to read this book. The book covers food, movies, music and drinking. Each section covers the history of the church with the subject, what the pitfalls are and how to redeem it.

Totally worth your time. Everyone will gain something from this book.

Empty Shelf Challenge: Books 3 and 4

2014-01-29T22:52:00.000-08:00

Book Number Three: Fangirl By Rainbow Rowell

-Cath is a twin. She and her twin were crazy about Simon Snow. Cath even writes fan-fiction about him and his magical adventures. But now that they are in college, her sister is not quite as taken with Simon as she once was, Cath's roommate doesn't get her, her writing prof hates her fanfic, and there are guys, clubs, lunchrooms, and friends that will rock her world.

I loved this story. I have really fallen in love with Rainbow's writing. I will read everything she puts out!

Book Number Four: The Four Loves By C.S. Lewis

-This was our book club's most recent book. Lewis is brilliant, but boy did I have a rough time with this book. This was my first swing with at a Lewis book. While he is still relevant, he's references in this book are someone beyond my time. I'm sure they we perfect when this book came out, but they weren't leading me in the direction of thought I'm sure he was hoping it would.

The Four Loves is worth the read, but if you are anything like me, you may have a hard time getting through it!

Empty Shelf Challenge: Book Two

2014-01-16T23:27:00.000-08:00

My book number two was Attachments by Rainbow Rowell.

I really loved reading this book. It was totally up my alley! Attachments was a quick read, and I decided to read it because I loved her first book, Eleanor and Park.

The story follows a dorky IT security worker, and a film critic. In 1999, a local newspaper decided to finally give their office workers computers, internet, and GASP email! He: reads emails with trigger words. She: carries on conversations with her friend filled with an abundance of trigger words.

This book was an easy read. But don't take that as an insult though, Attachments is a wonderful and entertaining book, that would be easy to enjoy again.

Empty Shelf Challenge: Book One

2014-01-08T21:08:00.000-08:00

SO! The Empty Shelf Challenge has started. I cleared my shelf of all the books I have bought but not read, or finished. WHICH was a shockingly insane amount. They are now lined up in my room waiting to be read!

I'm thrilled to be doing this! Its a goal I know I can accomplish, but I still have to put effort into.

I finished my first book a few days ago. The Spectacular Now was released as a movie a few months ago. And I wanted to read it before I watched it!

I enjoyed reading it. It isn't the best book I've ever read. I thought some of the characters have over exaggerated personality traits. It was good read, but the story seemed over dramatic and very unrealistic.

Even with all of those factors it was hard not to connect and feel for the characters.

But on to the next book, which is almost finished by the way! ;)

New Year, New Things

2014-01-01T15:02:00.002-08:00

Twenty Thirteen was an interesting year. I started a new job almost a year ago, I moved in with one of my best friends after living with several girls from church, I celebrated a one year anniversary with a guy I now refer to as my ex, and I started training for a half marathon.

That being said, I'm both dreading and really excited for this year. I have a few goals for myself, and a few milestones rapidly approaching.

In a few short weeks, I turn 25.
In May, I'm running my first half-marathon.
In the spring, my sister graduates from high school.
In february, I celebrate my first year of being a store manager.
I'm doing the Empty Shelf Challenge. YAY books!
My roommate and I are doing our first Mud Run in the fall.
We are going on a road trip in the fall to Portland, Seattle, and Victoria, BC!
In the fall, my kid sister starts college.

This past year was full of the highest highs and the lowest lows. And I know this year will be the same.

And I can't wait to see what it has in store for me.

The Chase

2013-12-04T17:28:00.001-08:00

I have come to realize that I have never truly had a man pursue me. I had never been a player in the chase.

Guy thinks girl is hot, girl plays hard to get, guy chases after girl, girl says yes, and typically (if we are being pessimistic) guy moves on after winning the girl.

Now if I'm being totally honest, I'm not sure I would be good at that game. I suck at playing hard to get. I'm kinda terrible at being coy. And mostly, I don't really want to play the dating game. Who really wants someone to play with their heart and why would you want to play with someones heart?

My first boyfriend actually put some effort in. He dutifully called me, but because he lived three hours away we never really spent much time together. Our only real dates were his senior prom, and my junior prom. My college boyfriend and I went to school together, and most of his pursuing was done via facebook, so thats not ideal.

I have seen people being pursued by Godly men in my life. It's beautiful, and how a relationship should start. I want that for me, and I hope there are still few men like that left. Recently, I made the effort to try and let a man pursue me, and I'm not great at it. As much as I want to be. But then I met my most recent ex. And I fell into my same habits. They were disguised as a less obvious form of my bad habits. I attempted to hold on to our relationship with DTRs, talks, books, and you name it. I refused to see things for what they actually were. I wasn't in a relationship where I was being pursued.

To be honest, this isn't something I have any idea how to do, and I'm glad I have time, and people to help me figure it out.

What Am I Crazy?

2013-11-19T22:21:00.000-08:00

So, yours truly, is running the Colfax Half-Marathon in May. It is currently 19 or 20 weeks out from now. So training has started. Our training plan is a couch to half marathon, I think I'll call the training plan The Wanna Be Runner to Half Marathon. I say that because the first week on Saturday you run the pretty much a 5K. Thats not quite a couch. I mean I'm just being real here!

At any rate, I make it one day in and I had shin splints, and then came down with what we affectionately call The Summit Flu, and I was out for the rest of the week. So now I'm armed with what is pretty much a sleeve for my shin, clothes to keep me warm, new running shoes handpicked by the nice people at Runners Roost on order and better food to keep me fueled for the adventure.

So MY second day (today!) in, and I shaved 2 or so mins off my mile and I feel awesome! I did get up at 7:30 this morning to run my 2 miles to the gym, do a core class and walk home, so at 11:30 pm I'm getting close to hitting my wall for the day. I will say this, I don't love running yet any maybe never will, but feeling awesome after is a huge plus.

So here goes nothing!

I'll see you soon my dear Colfax Half-Marathon!

The Mission In Denver!

2013-11-11T19:13:00.001-08:00

I have lived in Colorado for almost 3 years, I moved into Denver a little over a year ago. Two years ago I started going to a church called The Summit. I have come to fall in love with Denver. I consider it my home and I love the people in my community. The Summit Church, the staff and my fellow members have taught me so much about Jesus and how to affect my sphere of influence with the love and truth of Jesus.

We are in the heart of Downtown Denver in a neighborhood called Five Points. The Summit Denver started in a house, moved to a coffee shop, then to an event space, a little over a year ago we moved in to half of a wearhouse and now we moved in to and remodeled the entire wearhouse! Our church plant is less than 3 years old, and we now have the opportunity to buy our building.

We have seen rapid growth, countless people come to Jesus and many of those being baptized and becoming members. We are still a small church that is made up of a young member base, but the face of our church is rapidly changing! We have a heart, as a church, to see the city of Denver come to Jesus, and we would love to have a home that we can call ours for generations beyond our lifetime.

All that to say because of recent developments, The Summit Denver has to come up with $150,000 that we didn't know we needed until about 10 days before closing on the building. We want to reach out to friends, family, and people who have a heart to see Jesus change Our City and the world to help us do this alongside our members.

If you feel lead please, forward this to a friend, consider financially supporting us, or pray for God to bless us in the time leading up to our closing!

Thank you for all your help!

Learn more about The Summit Denver

If you so choose to support us, you can do so online.

Read announcement from The Summit Denver staff

My Silly Head and Stupid Heart

2013-11-10T22:02:00.001-08:00

This isn't something that you usually read in a public blog, but talking to no one, and in reality anyone is somewhat cathartic. This week has been hard. I found myself falling in the trap of thinking about the past year. I keep thinking that I was happy, things were perfect and I that I made a mistake. I know why I feel this way. Things were fun, and I loved being with him. But I fall into the trap of thinking that things were perfect and that we would have worked.

I realize that this is a natural and normal reaction. Even with everything that happen, the good and the bad, I know we made the right decision to end our relationship, but there are times my brain and heart like to tell me differently.

I have been actively having to tell myself "You are fine, if not better, than you were before." I want to be very honest. My ex-boyfriend is a great guy, he has great values and wonderful priorities. But all that doesn't make for a perfect relationship. And we both knew that, and thats how I know that we made the right the right choice.

The beauty of realizing all this, is I know what to watch for, to see the truth from the lies I keep telling myself, and combat what my silly head and my stupid heart keep telling me with what is actually truth.

And now I can move on and try to do it well.

Figuring Out Life

2013-10-20T23:17:00.001-07:00

I realize that even just a week after a break up, I shouldn't be feeling great. Not that I'm not allowed, but that its strange that I do. I have just realized that I can feel good. I am able to move on quickly and it be acceptable.

When I moved to Colorado, I had very little of a plan for what I wanted life to look like in the coming years. Now, when I was in college I did. I was convinced that I would meet the man of my dreams and marry him at the chapel on campus or something just a cheesy and sweet. Ring by spring and a fall wedding after graduation. He would be musical and I would get over my stage fright and we would be an adorable performing couple. But that plan didn't happen and I decided I needed to move to Colorado. It wasn't a dream it was reality. I wanted to get here and make a name for myself and be someone at a studio making awesome music with talented performers. I didn't have a plan, I just had a dream.

But I got here, it took months to get to back to who I was after graduating and get back to who I knew God had planned for me to be. I have just recently begun to really know where I'm suppose to be. I belong in Denver. I want to do life in the city, but not any city, THIS city. I know I'm planted at The Summit Church Denver for the foreseeable future.

"I therefore, a prisoner for the Lord, urge you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which you have been called." -Ephesians 4:1

I have been given a calling, not that I know what everything will look like in my life, but I know at least where I have been planted. And I want my actions and motives to be worthy of that calling.

And that my friends is enough.

Breakin' Up Is Hard To Do

2013-10-13T14:30:00.002-07:00

Breaking up isn't easy. I mean, there is even a cheesy pop song that says so. It's even harder when you still care about the other person or even still love them. The longer you are with someone the harder it is. The more of a future you plan together the harder it is.

I've always had an easier time with break-ups when I hated the other person, or at least wanted to punch them in the nuts. But this one. This one has been hard. I'm not sure I stopped crying for days leading up to deciding to end our relationship. You don't just turn off your feelings. You don't just forget the life you had together, or the dreams you had for your future together.

After a year and a half, I ended a relationship with a guy I was sure I would spend the rest for my life with. As silly as it is, changing my relationship status to single made me cry. (Thank you to whoever makes that not hit your facebook feed now) Then packing up everything from our relationship into a box. Wrapping this much time up and stowing it away, in a box that seems much too small, is gut wrenching.

As hard as it is, I feel surprisingly ok. I have a fresh start, even if I didn't want it. And I get to lean more on God than I already have.

This isn't the end of the story, just the start of a new chapter.

Vacation and Packing

2013-07-28T14:47:00.001-07:00

So I took a two week vacation. CRAZY right?!?!

I had a blast with my little sister the week before my parents got here. In between Serve Denver days, we ate ice cream, shopped, ate more, went to a concert, went to a comedy club, and just hung out. My sister and I are 7 and a half years apart. This can make for an interesting dynamic. We are just about polar opposites, which also makes things interesting. When we were younger we fought like cats and dogs. She was young and annoying and we didn't have much in common, other than having the same parents. But then I left for college, and I would come home and we would have 'sleepovers' in our bedrooms and we loved spending time together. Then I moved to Colorado. Things get more interesting when you move far away and you get caught up in your new life. I cherish the time we have together now. We don't get much of it any more, since I see my family maybe once a year, maybe twice if I'm lucky.

This week reminded me that I'm lucky I have a family that loves me. That my parents are still together and love each other. That I have an overprotective dad. That my mom drives me crazy, but she means the best for me. I'm lucky that they are willing to spend their one week of vacation with me in my town and are willing to let me drag them everywhere with me.

But now that they are gone, I'm back to reality. One of my roommates and I are packing for our impending move in a matter of days. I'm thrilled to be moving into our new place. I'm already hating packing.

Oh and I have to go back to work in the morning!

Perfection

2013-06-24T10:29:00.000-07:00

I have never been a perfectionist. I'm fully aware that I'm far from perfect, and I'll never achieve that and I'm ok with it. I do however strive to be awesome. At anything and everything really. I realized this when I was talking to someone about how they are a perfectionist. Now its not a bad thing to be a perfectionist in and of its self. I just wanted to put that out there really fast before moving on.

As an adult, who more often than not feels like child, I have quickly figured out that life is messy. Life is hard, life doesn't go the way you want it to. And most importantly, life doesn't happen on your timeline.

Growing up, I never had difficulty making friends. I was never popular, but I was easily likable. I transferred to the main campus of my college and everything was flipped on its head. I started going to all the campus ministry events, went to the retreats, and I never made friends with anyone. Yea, sure I knew people, but I didn't have any good friends. Six months into the school year, I went to my first day of a media class and I sat down and a loud group of guys sat all the way around me. Everyday this happen for 2 weeks. I was then found out by one of the guy in my class, who saw me in our choir practice one night. He asked me to get a beer and we hung out every day for a week. And then everyday for a year and a half.

The reason I even bring this up, is to pose a question. Was this group of friends perfect? Did I have a bunch of Christian friends like I though I would? No. And Nope. I was forever changed by this group of friends. I had many crazy nights and days with these friends. I learned how to love people that were very different from me. I learned how to deal with change. Most importantly, I went to school, figured out who I was, with somewhat of a detour, and survived. My story isn't perfect. College was messy, but it made me who I am today.

There is never a perfect time to learn a lesson, make friends, move across the US, fall in love, break up, start all over again or find yourself. Nor will you do it perfectly. It is just important that you do it.

Those Kinds Of Days

2013-04-03T18:15:00.001-07:00

It's been a day that has knocked me on my backside. Things happen, people disappoint, people let you down, you have to reprimand subordinates, and sometimes the fire alarm goes off for 25 mins at work and you are left with a headache and a grumpy attitude.

Today was that day. Sometimes I dont know how to react to certain things, mostly because I don't even totally understand how I feel about the situation.

To make matters worse, I realized how broken a person can be. I haven't had my heart broken very many times, because that would require dating more than the amount of people I can count on one hand. But even with those few people, I have a severe distrust of people who act like they care about me or anyone for that matter. I don't care about my past. I even thought that I had gotten over all of it, but it turns out I haven't.

Trust is a huge factor in a relationship of any kind. I never wanted to go into life with a skewed perception of people, I generally think the best of people but to my dismay, but I have quickly figured out that I don't generally trust people farther than I can throw them. But this, this distrust, causes me to behave strangely.

I'm sure I'm not the only one with this issue. I wouldn't wish it on anyone but it an issue that we all have to deal with on some level.

I suppose the only real way to overcome this is to surround yourself with people who truly love you, pray about your feelings and the things you are dealing with and give yourself time to heal.

You don't heal overnight.

And Rome wasn't built in a day.

Not Yo Momma's Religion

2013-03-11T15:26:00.001-07:00

I moved to Colorado a few weeks shy of two years ago. When I got here I thought that I was here to start my post grad job with some awesome music job and make a ton of friends and go to lots of concerts. I was sadly mistaken. I have had a total of 4 different jobs since moving here and I have now finally landed one, that so far has been crazy, but I know I will soon enjoy it. I have made lots of friends, and I now have rommies rather than living alone, which is an adventure of its own kind.

But what I didn't know was I was getting more than a new job or friends. More than I bargained for.

When I moved to Denver, I was quickly all in at a church plant in Five Points. I didn't really know what that actually looked like as an adult. I grew up in church and I was at the church pretty much every day of the week and doing anything and everything I could when the doors were open. I joined The Summit and I started doing sound and a few other things. But I quickly realized the church is so much more than bell choir, youth group lock-ins, and puppet team.

My christian friends and I go to concerts, drink craft beer, go to hookah bars, and other things that wouldn't quite line up with our elders view of how we should behave. But I have had some cool experiences in these places.

One night, Emily and I went out to our new favorite hang out, a new hookah lounge. That night we were just going to get out of the house and chill out on a friday night, and not risk the ever popular hangover in the morning. We were the last people in the place and the owner came over near us, sat down and started asking about us. Some how the church was brought up. During this conversation, we were able to talk about our church, what it is doing in the city and our personal beliefs. At the end of the conversation we were able to invite he and his wife to church.

The Gospel can be shared any where, even a hookah lounge. The Gospel can be shared by anyone, including those of us who don't feel quite qualified.

Our calling

2013-01-27T10:46:00.002-08:00

I just finished reading an article in this month's Relevant Magazine about finding your calling. Often at the beginning of the year we think about the goals we want to accomplish for the year. Most of the time we never even start working towards those goals. Which makes most of us wonder why we even make new years resolutions in the first place. My other-half approached that subject, and I tend to agree with him.

I know I haven't had a real resolution in years. But when AJ deciding to start the year with a fast, I joined him. We did a 21 day fast, his being somewhat like the Daniel fast and I went vegetarian. I have to say living with a vegan made it a little easier, but living with two meat eaters did tend to make me feel crazy. I cooked more than I usually do, I got creative when cooking for AJ and ended up not feeling like I was going to die. From time to time I would drive by Wendy's and want to weep but it was manageable. Mainly, it was a healthy place for my relationship with Jesus and my relationship with AJ to be and then grow. I found myself thinking of AJ more than myself, taking hours to find the perfect thing to prepare. Then when we did have time together we could spend more time one on one because of not just going out and grabbing food. Being able to have that time to talk about important things because we were at each others places rather than in a loud restaurant and that was a huge blessing. I found that focusing on a fast really made me focus on what my relationship with Jesus was lacking. I never really studied the Bible and really wanted to talk to God just to be near him. I looked at the bible during church or a bible study with people, prayed when I hit a tough spot or needed an answer to a question and I realized that I have hit a wall. This isn't what I want any of my relationships to look like so something has to give.

My callings have changed over the past few years. I was called to be a good friend, or sister, or student, or child or whatever may have applied at the time. Not that most of those don't still apply, but they have shifted somewhat.

I want to be the follower I have been call to be by my God.
I want to be the best kid I can be even though my parents are far away.
I want to be the sister my kid sister needs.
I want to be the best employee that I can be.
I want to be a caring friend.
I want to be a gracious roommate.
I want to be fulfilling my calling as a member of The Summit Denver.
I want to be the best girlfriend for AJ.

Those are for the here and now. There are things I think I am being called to prepare for in the next few years as well. Like being a godly wife, and mother, and leading people, organizing programs, hosting events at our house. Who knows what my callings will look like six months from now or a year from now but I want to execute what ever God leads me to with excellence.

Waking Up

2013-01-22T09:30:00.001-08:00

I suppose everyone has to wake up at some point during the day. I am either up far before normal people or far after normal people. My job requires my being up rather early to catch the bus to get there. I, at one time loved my job, and I have grown to hate it. I realize this happens to us all. I have struggled with being happy in spite of feel like my job is taking all of my happiness away. That is a sad and frustrating place to be. I enjoy my coworkers and I have a fairly brainless job, so in reality I should be able to like my situation but unfortunately there are so many extraneous factors that play into everything becoming the way that it has.

I have had a strangle hold on my job because I have a 401k, paid vacation, sick time, along with other cool perks. I felt like I needed all of that to be happy but I'm not. If I could support myself being just a barista I would. I love that job. I get an insane amount of pleasure from that job. You meet awesome people, make a great product, and have the ability to wake up and love going to work. That may not be true every day but when its a majority of the time that can be breath of fresh air.

Sometimes you have to wake up to everything in your life. I am prone to stick my head in the sand and pretend that everything is fine, and now I have finally been forced to see things for what they are. I was offered a new opportunity and I walked away from my job, perks and all. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted and I couldn't be happier.

I'm More Than I Appear, and Almost A Year Older

2012-12-03T08:41:00.002-08:00

I woke up yesterday and it dawned on me that next month I will be 24. I then realized that I have been out of college for almost two years.

And the next thought caught me off guard the most-

I haven't really done anything with my life.

After the past few months of people (people I know, random people, toooo many people) making comments on the fact that I went to school, spent all the money to do so and I now I only work retail. It makes me feel like an idiot. I feel like nothing I have done has made any real impact.

But then I know what I have done. I graduated High School with a dream of breaking into the music industry. I thought that one day I would get a Dove Award for Best Producer and then work on a album that goes Double Platinum! (Cheesy, I'm aware!) I went to College earned an associates and bachelors degree in Music Production and media type things to kick off that dream. Once my last quarter of finals was over, I skipped town three days later and I moved to Denver to live where the music is.

I guess the difference is, yes I work retail but my dreams are so much more than this. I know what I want, now I just have to spend the rest of my life chasing it.

I'm almost 24 and I have a burning passion to do so much more than I currently am. I want to be more than I apear to be. I will struggle to make a name for myself in an industry that is so totally male dominated.

I'll make it, or I live my life trying to get there. But, if God has other plans, I will make the best of the abundance He has given me.

As that over used saying goes, I'll bloom where I'm planted.

Love Lost, Love Can Be Found

2012-12-02T10:17:00.001-08:00

Sometimes I think about the decisions that have brought me to this point and made me who I am, good or bad.

I regret some of them, I hate some of them but I don't regret them. The thing is I have a huge trust issue. I can trace it back to the two relationships I held most dear.

My college boyfriend left me full of regret and heartbroken. There was nothing quite remarkable about him. He wasn't a stud. He wasn't much of anything. He turned out to be the first guy that I thought I loved. I realize now that I didn't truly know what love was. Things were somewhat tumultuous. It was fun and new and I loved being in love. We dated for 6 months and I ended things after figuring out that he was anything but honest with me. I may have ended it but it was more than difficult to get over. I had a bruised heart, broken spirit, and an inability to trust any guy that crossed my path.

The other guy was proverbial 'one that got away', it took months for me for realize that it was good that I didn't have anything with him. We met my chance. I messaged him on MySpace. He lived in Denver and I was going to move there after graduation. He was into music and I wanted to see if it was a good place to move to for the industry. We hit it off and talked for months, started texting and video chatting on a semi regular basis. I fell hard and he told me nothing could happen unless we met. I totally agreed. Who knows what they are really like in person until you meet, right? He left Denver and moved to the coast. I moved to Denver like I had planned to start my post grad life. He was back in Denver for work 2 weeks after I had moved. I was excited to meet him and we had a blast. I got to spend some time in the studio with him and some friends, and we had lunch a few times and chatted. The terrible part was that he gave me a bear hug when I got out of my car and saw him in person for the first time, and then after I left the last day, what I didn't know was that it would be the last time we for months. We never had anything, we never would have anything and getting over that fact sent me into a devastation that would last months.

For months after, and the pain of him lingering, I slowly started to move past everything. I still hold on to my trust issues like its going out of style. But then you meet someone you undoes you, someone who makes you realize you can trust again, someone who will let you struggle but holds your hand the whole time, and maybe someone who might not understand why but doesn't hold that against you, you can your mind about how things can turn out. Not everyone is like them. And one person can change that opinion.

Dating in the City (Hint: It's nothing like Sex in the City)

2012-11-16T01:19:00.000-08:00

Dating sucks.

Lets face it.

If we were real with each other for more than 5 seconds, most people would admit that they don't want to be single but finding someone that you enjoy spending time isn't easy. And add being a Christian to the mix and you've made it even harder to even find a hand full of people. After moving out on my own, I started to deal with the fact that I was going to be single for a while longer. I wasn't super sold on it, in fact I was just dealing with it and never really happy about it.

When I moved here, I, for a reason unknown to me, signed up for OkCupid. Which, in reality, is a place for weird, creepy guys to ask girls for dirty pictures and never really ask them on a date. I mostly got in to the habit of logging on to see what weirdos had messaged me and to scroll through to see what there was out there.

The last week of March, my family was on a cruise while I was working and house sitting in Parker, Colorado. Wasting time alone, I logged on and some how came across a profile of a cute, curly haired, guy that lived in the middle of nowwheresville, Colorado which would never shown up on a normal day because of the distance between the two of us. So I messaged him thinking I would never hear from him. I was surprised to get an email telling me I had received a message back from him. I was greeted with a surprise. He actually asked me about things I had written in my profile, like the fact I had just moved here. "What has been your favorite experience since you moved here?", he asked. I posed the same question. He told me he loves Panorama Point at Golden Gate Canyon State Park, Rocky Mountain National Park, Breckenridge and Vail. I had never been to any of these places but they sounded great per his suggestion.

For about a week we messaged online about family, school, jobs, places we want to visit, and life in general. We then chatted via text for a bit and after about two weeks we decided to meet in person.

I almost threw up from nerves before we met at Little Man Ice Cream for the first time. After I parked, I notice a banner announcing that Little Man was voted best first date in Denver. It seemed even more promising when I saw him smiling at me across the street. We talked for hours, and I knew there was something different about this curly haired boy.

After a few months of seeing him weekly, he decided we should 'go steady'. This Sunday will mark five months of a great relationship with AJ, the curly haired boy I met thanks to the internet. In those 5 months, he has taken me to all the places he talked about loving in our first few messages, which I find completely awesome. (Vail and Breck are amazing incase you wanted to know.) This boy won my heart by talking about nerdy computer things, loving God with reckless abandon, loving his church, volunteering with the middle school ministry at said church, sharing a love for all things Apple, and just being gadget people.

So, dating SUCKS. Relationships can be great. Online dating is mostly creepy. And even though all this is true, I'm still dating the curly haired boy I never thought I meet and I wouldn't change it for the world. So who cares if your life isn't like Sex In The City? Its better, because its real.

And ladies: Find a boy who opens doors for you, shows you the world, looks at you like you are the only girl in the world, has the ability to calm you down and thinks the best of you... even when you are far from your best.

When Do You Become An Adult Anyway?

2012-08-07T15:13:00.000-07:00

I have been thinking a lot about being an adult. Am I one? What makes you one?

Does your job make you a grown up?

-I hope not. I hold jobs high schoolers and college students normally have.

Does having bling from 'the one' make you a grown up?

-I hope not. Until the last few months I had been single for years and questioned if a real man existed.

Does having kids make you a grown up?

-I hope not. I hope that I dont have any soon. First comes marriage THEN comes baby carriage.

Does making a lot of money make you a grown up?

-I hope not. I'm just glad I can pay my bills and feed myself.

Does having a degree make you a grow up?

I hope not. Those degrees are just looking nice, framed and hanging in my apartment I can barely afford.

Does being a Mac over a PC make you a grown up?

-I hope not. Even though I am a Mac.

Does your age make you a grown up?

-I hope not. I know 40 year old who act like 10 year olds.

As for what does make you an adult, I have some thoughts. Some I struggle at, some I do well.

-Making money and taking care of yourself makes you a grown up.

-Paying your bills makes you a grown up.

-Doing life with other people makes you a grown up.

-Loving people that are different than you makes you a grown up.

-Trusting again makes you a grown up.

-Caring for people the way they need you to makes you a grown up.

-Admitting you are wrong makes you a grown up.

-Doing things you don't want to do but should do makes you a grown up.

#80- Visit the Rocky Mountain National Park

2012-05-15T15:58:00.001-07:00

I love Colorado for many reasons and the rockies tends to be a top reason. Every day on my commute I get to see the mountains. What, I ask, is better than that?

Now from time to time as a resident of Colorado you have to go to the mountains. It took a friend coming into town for me to end back up in the mountains. It was a rather cool day and my butt hurt from driving all day. BUT its the Rockies and they are beautiful!

No more words. Here are some pictures.