So most of you reading know we lost our pet budgie, Birdie this week. I know to some, this isn’t any great loss; it’s “just” a bird who costs around $20 at a pet shop. Bird brains, not cuddly like mammals, etc. I get that, I really do. But for someone like me who can’t have a mammal, having a pet bird brings a measure of joy I’ve been denied by my overachieving immune system, and my kids are able to share in that joy by growing up with pet birds.

We still aren’t exactly sure why he got sick so suddenly, but when we got him, he was sick. The national chain pet store he came from was willing to let us exchange him for another bird, but I couldn’t bear to think of what would happen to him if we did. So we knew going in that he wasn’t 100%, and earlier this year, we’d spent hundreds of dollars trying to figure out why. Turns out he had something called megabacteria, which is actually a fungus (don’t ask me; I’m not a scientist) that can be tough to diagnose and completely eradicate. I’m guessing the bacterial infection had returned after a 10 month hiatus, because even though the tests the vet ran the day we brought him in didn’t reveal its presence, there was nothing else new in his world except our 4-day trip to Orlando and megabacteria can be tough to spot, often requiring several tests till it’s spotted.

Of course, the worst part of this whole ordeal was seeing the kids’ heartbreak. There were tears–mine included–and we all talked openly about where Birdie’s spirit might be and whether there were separate heavens for people, cats, dogs, and birds (Jackson came up with that one).

Nolan took it the hardest, since Birdie arrived as a birthday gift from one of our babysitters and while we made it clear that Birdie was for our whole family, we let Nolan choose his name as a birthday gift. Turns out I’ve been misspelling his name wrong all along–to Nolan, it’s “Birdy.” He cried and yelled for a long time, then at one point quietly went into the art room to work on this:

He said he wanted to put it in the box with Birdy when we buried him, and after that there were no more tears from him. That night, we all walked outside to the pine trees outside my home office window and buried him with Nolan’s letter and a couple of his favorite toys. The wind was blowing hard that night and it broke my heart to think of him all alone out there in that wind. Jackson even thought to bury his beloved Soft Turtle with him since Turtle was sort of, well, Birdy’s “boyfriend” (birds have needs too!). But he said he couldn’t bring himself to do it. I told him it says a great deal about his spirit that he’d even consider giving up his Turtle for his pet bird. What a heart.

My mom says we shouldn’t get another bird because the boys may be learning not to take death seriously, but of course we all want another (well, except Dan, but we outnumber him). And I don’t think this is causing them to devalue either life or death, but rather the opposite.

What I hate the most is how quiet the house is now. Every morning after dropping the kids off at school, I’d come home and he’d be all excited to see me so I’d let him out of his cage and he’d hitch a ride on my shoulder while I fixed coffee and readied to work.

Every time I’d walk out of my office, he’d cheerfully say, “Hi, Birdy!” in my voice. He laughed in my laugh when I’d tell a joke; it wasn’t the language he understood but the timing and frequency of my smartassery. He learned to say “I’m a CHICKEN hawk!” “Shake your booty” “Jackson farted!” and a few other phrases. I even got him to say “I love you, Mommy” one time on Mother’s Day. He was so sweet and gentle with the boys, never biting them even when they pushed his boundaries. He even rode a toy train for Jackson once Dan suggested he use a smaller version of Soft Turtle as bait to lure him aboard. He loved fruits and veggies and stealing bites of the boys’ oatmeal and corn on the cob.

Really, he was a remarkable little being with a ton of feisty spirit. Here’s a link to many of the photos I took of him during his over two years with us. I sure miss you, bird.

{Taking Full Advantage of Their New Costume Bin}

Turned around today and instead of seeing two boys in their PJ’s, I was confronted with this scene; don’t you love how proud they are of themselves? I’d like to take a moment to plug the awesomeness of the superhero cape; my neighbor gave these (they attach with Velcro, so no strangulation risk) to the boys during one of her holiday gift extravaganzas (3 gift bags magically appear on our front porch each holiday–now THAT’S neighborly!). The kids love them!

I’ve always had a hard time dealing with the unexpected, but I think that learning to roll with it is an essential component of maturity and wisdom. Oh, did I just say “maturity?” Well, we all know about the 10-year-old boy inhabiting my body (60 seconds reading my Twitter posts should erase any doubt), so you can stop giggling at the thought of me acting like anything resembling a mature adult any time soon. But I will say this: with each passing year, I’m slowly getting better at dealing with what life throws my way. I have to credit my kids with bestowing this gift upon me; nothing forces you to “let go and let God” than a houseful of pint-sized pukers fall right at deadline time.

One example of how learning to deal with the unexpected is a process rather than a quick fix: my (mostly) dormant germ-o-phobia, which started when Jackson was a newborn, most likely the result of overactive postpartum hormones. My reptile brain seized upon that anxiety and ran with it for years. I’ve worked hard since then to get over it; a few short years ago, I’d avoid taking the kids to public places like the library for fear of what they’d pick up there. Ultimately, I realized how much I was limiting our family’s experiences because I feared not being able to keep the household running “smoothly” or care for the kids or work due to illness, (because we all know if I get sick and pause for EVEN AN INSTANT, it’s a refrigerator box house for us!).

So, I’ve been doing great on this front in recent years (huge leap forward!). Except for that time a couple of weeks back when I (oh, how I wish I was kidding) sprayed my minivan with Lysol when I drove friend’s kid to school while her dad had the stomach flu (huge leap backward). But I only did it that one time! (step forward). And it was Dan’s idea! (blaming the spouse: back I go!). And I opted to NOT store the can of disinfectant spray in the minivan (forward, ho!). I even managed to NOT jump out of my skin during my recent visit to Aaron’s pre-K classroom (Eat my dust, bitches!). Though I did hold off one four-year-old who’d loaded up her Pull-Up with poo and kept begging to sit on my lap (what am I, made of iron? Fine. BACK). Then, rather than risk having to change the four-year-old myself, I relented (I got nothin’).

All joking aside, I’ll still gladly take every step forward I can get–it leaves me less time to stress and more to enjoy my kids’ bursts of creative inspiration.

• @abigvictory I’ve got you beat; I left car running w/keys in it & went shopping for 1.5 hours last summer. Was neither pregnant nor high. #
• @dianaburrell We just finished Season 2 of The Wire. Astoundingly great. I’m reading the book it’s based on now, too. #
• Have the house utterly to myself all day, only to be awakened during blissful siesta on couch by a blue bird just outside of smashing range. #
• @LonnaS Haha! He and Nolan would get along great. #
• Co. that makes my favorite large family calendar isn’t making one for 2009. Why are all the others Mommy/smarmy/cutesy? ::loading handgun:: #

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“Ah, but a man’s reach should exceed his grasp, or what’s a heaven for?” -Robert Browning

It seems to me that it’s an essential life skill to find that comfy spot between continually striving to do better (creative sparks + elbow grease) and remembering to savor and be content with what is (and what was) in our lives.

I feel more and more these days like I’m finding that sweet spot in which to set up camp (complete with hammock and cold-morning hot coffee).

How about you? I hate to use the word “balance,” because I think it’s a hackneyed, illusory goal; things are always out of sync somewhere in our lives and to strive for that perfect ANYTHING beyond acceptance of doing our best with the materials at hand on any given day is a losing proposition in my book. But are you finding that sweet spot in your own life? How? Or why not?

• @superfantastic Don’t you mean “their due to?” Ohhhh shit. #
• Back from newly discovered circle of hell: PTO fundraiser carnival. They need to offer tequila shooters and hand jobs at those things. #
• Am now mainlining one of Dan’s few remaining Boulevard Pale Ales and rocking myself in a corner. The horror, the horror . . . #
• Kids and ‘keet are listening to The Go Go’s on the idog while Dan & I wait for spinach & tomato pizza to cook. Life = pretty goddamned great #
• @teepoole Get in line, sister! ;) (Just imagine our PTO for a moment . . . ) #
• @LonnaS That’s my husband’s world. He is Mr. ’80s music. #
• @LonnaS I didn’t run that shindig; this was for Jackie’s school. No way I’d do anything that elaborate: Hello, send-home fundraiser packets! #
• @kathysena Your evening sounds PERFECT Kathy. Have a great weekend! #
• @zippityd No, not a loser. As a mom of 3 kids, being alone sounds HEAVENLY. This sounds like new venue adjustment to me. #
• @joeschmitt Almost jealous of Twitter on iphone, but waiting till they let Verizon take ‘em on as a provider. #
• @LonnaS No, it is! I have a “kids’ mix” on there just for them! I also happen to like the Go Go’s. #
• @LonnaS Well, let’s not get carried away here! ;) #
• “I’m telling the Freddies what a big winkie you have.” “I thought you said ‘what a busy week we had.’” “Well?” “No comment.” #
• @LonnaS Couldn’t agree with you more, babe. You’re so wise; is that because you’re older than me? #
• For @jenniferk97: http://www.flickr.com/photos/nonnegotiable/2936857939/ :) #

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Part of an email from a friend who’s known me since Jackson and her firstborn were babies, and knows how many times I’ve tried and failed to lose weight and just generally be cool with myself:

Toni,
I love watching your brain wrap itself around something. I imagine Nolan is the embodiment of how you come to new ideas/methods etc. Having to go slowly at first, checking out all sides and if it’s thrust too quickly, you run for cover. I’m over here quietly urging you on with happy proud tears in my eyes. You’ve got it right there in your reach!

I cried when I read this; she was shy about sending it because she didn’t want to offend me, but it did anything but offend! Instead, it made me realize how valuable it is to have friends who will tell it to you straight but also hold you up when you stumble, cheering you to the finish line.

I keep thinking about what my yoga instructor said at practice recently, to visualize our lives as a wheel with our selves at the center. The significant parts of our lives radiate outward from that center: friends, family, work, home, volunteering, hobbies. I know most struggles of consequence must be faced alone, but nobody should suffer the hard parts in solitude, either. And I know my center would not be half as solid as it is without the vibrant, brilliant, and loving people I’m blessed to call “friend.” The ones who call me “friend” back? Total keepers.

• @LonnaS Exactly. McCain lost me, an independent, by choosing Palin anyway. #
• Another eloquent response to the extremely complex issue recently dismissed during the debate with air quotes: http://tinyurl.com/6ghrd6 #
• It appears the McCain people vetted Joe the “Plumber” about as well as they did Palin. #
• @funtobefemale Oh girlfriend, wish it were that simple: I can practically load semis at the docks with those things for all my kegeling. #
• Not an SNL fan, but last night’s fake debate where McCain has 3″ tall Joe the Plumber living in a cigar box under his bed? That was funny. #
• @MeaganFrancis Early to bedders. Mostly because that’s the hand I’m dealt anyway + school starts freakishly early here. #
• Spent 30 min on graphic for “Nobody Cares About Your Novel” tee & PS crashed. Now making “Nobody Cares About Your PhotoShop woes” graphic. #
• OK, there’s GOT to be an easy way to fade a photo to look like a watermarked background in PhotoShop, right? Then WHY CAN’T I FIND IT? #
• @NAPP_News Thank you, but that’s the wrong sort of watermark; I don’t want faded text over clear image, but the opposite. #
• @photobonnie I tried that & it didn’t work, but thank you!. I need a PhotoShop for the Functionally Retarded manual. #
• @teepoole “We’re *going*.” #
• @teepoole If I have to crawl, I’ll get there. Also: so happy for you two!! xoxo #
• @adamjury OK this is what I want to do, but when I try to adjust opacity on copied layer, it doesn’t do anything. Any idea why not? Thanks! #
• Photoshop: I figured it out (I think)! Decreased opacity & shut off the eyeball dealio on original layer (love my tech jargon?). Thanks all! #
• @NAPP_News Just throw a TM after it and direct all royalty checks to yours truly. #
• For you fuckers who requested it – Coming soon to my (imaginary) CafePress shop: http://twitpic.com/goqz #
• @adamjury I figured it out & posted the result to twitpic. Thank you for helping–I figured it out thanx to your response. #
• @photobonnie Sounds like yin/yang to me. Or nip/wang. All depends on how you look at it, lol. #
• @dianaburrell What part of (the incidental benefit to them of) “free publicity” do these sources not understand? #
• @unclespeedo It’s killing me! Ahahahaha. Ha. ha. ::ahem:: #
• It’s looking like there’s strong interest in some friends section-hiking the Pacific Crest Trail with me. Backpacking Fred. I like, I like. #
• @LonnaS You can be our “trail angel” and meet up with us at key points with cheesecake and H20! #
• @dianaburrell My whole day was about procrastination. I’m working on a NF proposal too; why are they so painful? #

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Poking fun at my frequent novel talk here, on Twitter, among friends and family . . . I really should make t-shirts.

• Just conjured a delicious blackmail side plot for novel. Probably not switching to first person, either. #
• Also: standing offer to send all my Tweeps “Nobody Cares About Your Novel” tees – in typewriter font (of course). #
• 6 y.o. super-difficult/moody this a.m. & I have to meet former PTO pres @ his school today to distribute fundraiser dealios. Gonna be FUUUN. #
• Overheard: A: “Now I know my ABCs, next time won’t you–” N: “PEE with me!” #
• 4 y.o. is insisting the ABC song makes no mention of peeing whatsoever. They sound like little old men who say their Rs like Ws. #
• Amount of bro-to-bro combat reaching critical levels this a.m. & I’m bringing them both to school for PTO. Kill me, please, before they do. #
• @obxlaw That is one adorable sad dog. #
• @photobonnie It’s not too cold w/the right gear; it’s pretty brisk out there. Windbreaker for sure. No clue about doggie, tho. #
• @petit_elefant I’m so sorry. :( #
• @photobonnie You can ride year-round just so there’s no ice (my preference, anyway; there is a bike race in MI on ice/snow–no thanks). ;) #
• @photobonnie Bummer about no ride, though. I think I’m gonna take my bike out while the littles are in school. #
• I just sneezed & peed. Sneepeed? Peezed? Whatever. Three kid bladder SUCKS. #
• @abigvictory Waxing is more effective. Or so I’ve heard . . . #
• @zippityd Replace “punk bar” to loosely approximate “my house” and “twice” with “half” and you’ve perfectly described my daily round. #
• In response to dismissive air quotes re: women’s health, my pal @CecilyK pens this letter to Sen. John McCain: http://tinyurl.com/4w4ymm #
• Off to reenact Lord of the Flies, otherwise known as “Pre-K and Kindy Literacy Night at the Early Learning Center.” #

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• Occurred to me yesterday that given the force of my main character’s personality, I might need to make the novel 1st person. Ohhhhhh fuck. #
• I would love to impale the inventor of the leaf blower with one of his or her own creations. #
• Chiropractor + massage therapist = one-two cockpunch to Toni’s chronic pain. Pa-POW! #
• Trust me, you do NOT want me naming your pregnancy blog. Unless “Loose Lips & Sore Nips” is at all appealing to you as a brand. #
• Is everyone in this society functionally retarded when it comes to eating? Market Day brochure highlights that salmon is a “low carb” food. #
• “Gourmet Stuffed Flounder. You won’t flounder over this choice.” Now that there is flawless copy, folks. #
• They also sell “Mojito Rimming Sugar.” I so wish I was a copywriter today. #
• I wonder if, when the copywriter used the words “when you rim your glass” in re: the Mojito Rimming Sugar, they truly thought about it. #
• @dianaburrell You are my new best friend. Next time you’re in Chicago, the mojitos are on me. #
• @sgruber Well, I’d hardly call YOUR relationship with food stupid. Quite the opposite, but ironic point taken and appropriately LOLed. ;) #
• @photobonnie Haha! I’m gonna rim your mojito glass next time we get together. #
• @dianaburrell We’ll be watching more of Season 2 of The Wire, because we’ve got our priorities straight, damnit. #

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