TREMENDO TIME

MANDY (2018)

noreply@blogger.com (El Tremendo) — Fri, 13 Oct 2023 07:00:00 +0000

THE CARD:

Nicolas Cage, Andrea Riseborough, Linus Roache, Ned Dennehy, Olwn Fouere, Richard Brake, Bill Duke, Line Pillet, Clement Baronnet, Alexis Julemont, Stephan Fraser, and enough depravity to make a Cenobite blush.

More details here.

WARNING: SPOILERS BELOW

THE ANGLE:

Red (Cage) and Mandy (Riseborough) are a couple deeply in love who dwell peacefully together in a cabin in the woods.

He's a hardworking lumberjack whose only solace after long laborious days is coming home to her. She's an exquisite artist who also works as a clerk in a co-op grocery store where she reads dark fantasy paperbacks to pass the time. You get the feeling that both have been through some shit as Red's haunted, exhausted look and Mandy's physical scars hint at tragic pasts.

But as long as they have each other and their placid surroundings, nothing else matters. Unfortunately, this contentment is disrupted when one day Mandy encounters some shady characters while on a forest walk.

Transfixed by her unconventional beauty, vile pervert and cult leader Jeremiah (Roache) becomes obsessed with having her join his menagerie of lost idiots.

He commands his scumbag followers led by Brother Swan (Dennehy) to kidnap her.

Unable to do the job themselves, they enlist the aid of the Black Skulls, a roving band of drug-addled bikers who may be literal demons from Hell.

They incapacitate Red and bring Mandy before Jeremiah's congregation where he waves his limp wimpy pee-pee at her. She understandably laughs her ass off.

Unfortunately, that would be the last act of defiance in Mandy's life and she's murdered before Red's eyes. Jeremiah's cultists depart and leave him for dead which is the biggest mistake of their lives. They awakened something deep, primordial, and drenched in hatred as Red is soon in pursuit, armed only with a crossbow, a badass axe, and the intensity of a newborn sun.

Mandy came and she gave without taking but death took her away. Oh Mandy! And although Mandy was fine girl, and what a good wife she could have been, Red's life, his love, and his lady is now vengeance and a ton of LSD.

THE FINISHER:

A few years ago, I watched the documentary Murder Mountain on Netflix, a series that chronicled the history of violence, crime, and corruption in a remote location of Humboldt County in Northern California. The show focused on one specific murder shrouded in the imposing weirdness that permeates the area and reminded me of just how bonkers a reputation this section of the golden state has long held and earned. In fact, a close friend of mine had a run-in with an infamous pair of Northern Californians during a trek in the area in the 1970s and can confirm that life there, even if you're just going for a walk, can be harrowing. From open drug cultivation, gang wars, serial killers, cults, and even goddamn Bigfoot, who was a main suspect in the series, this place is truly the last frontier of the United States. This lawless land is better known as the Emerald Triangle due to being the largest marijuana producing region in the country that drew fringe characters, organized crime, deadly biker gangs, mystic new agers, sun-ravaged hippies, and the occasional murder spree or two. If America has its own equivalent of Mordor, you can find it here.

Mandy is a hate-fueled phantasmal head trip of a revenge flick firmly set in the midst of the Emerald Triangle, which after witnessing the bloody insanity portrayed in this movie, could have been renamed the Crimson Triangle. Panos Cosmatos, son of George P., maker of Rambo: First Blood Part II, rolls out a similar rampage of ferocity for a major Hollywood star as his father's, only this time the proceedings are not marked by Reagan-era anti-foreigner bloodlust but an acidic medieval journey into senseless victimization, pseudo-spiritualism, and the horrid void created by loss. Cage is remarkably restrained as the anguished Red and Riseborough is both hypnotically intense and relatable as the titular Mandy. Roache doles out hefty vibes of Richard Lynch despicableness as the sniveling jerk-off Jeremiah and his slimy crony Brother Swan played by Dennehy reaches new levels of creepdom. And the rest of the cast from Fouere's Mother Marlene to the fifth grader band names Fuck Pig and Dog the Dog as the Black Skulls contribute unforgettably to Red's cathartic carnage. Rife with prog rock, heavy metal, and literary horror references and borderline Lovecraftian aesthetics, Cosmatos' tale is a county fair black light poster come to life, and much like the memory of a lost loved one, it will linger if you allow it.

The reviews I've seen for this film appear wildly divided, with some calling it gruesomely transcendent to sophomorically pretentious. But from its uber-saturated coloring scheme to its undeniable admiration for the arcane, Mandy is an intense viewing experience and could pose a challenge for those seeking kooky hijinks and wacky chuckles and not chainsaw impalements in their Halloween night movie marathon.

As of 10/13/23, Mandy is streaming on Shudder.

THE WITCHING SEASON (2015)

noreply@blogger.com (El Tremendo) — Mon, 09 Oct 2023 07:00:00 +0000

THE CARD:

James Morris, Michael Ballif, Emily Broschinsky, Karlee Broschinsky, Charla Bocchiccio, Belle Warren, Stevie Dust, and an eBay's worth of vintage Halloween decorations.

More details here.

WARNING: SPOILERS BELOW

THE ANGLE:

Five spooky Halloween tales unfold starting with:

Killer on the Loose

A young woman is stalked on Halloween night by an unseen lunatic. She breaks into a home to evade her pursuer.

But the killer is close behind and breaks into the home and continues his pursuit as the woman frantically tries to find a place to hide. His motivations are unknown but then again so are hers!

Princess

A single mom and her young daughter move into a new home in a new city to start a new life. The girl is not happy that she needs to adjust to an unfamiliar environment.

She finds solace when she stumbles upon a treasure trove of toys and dolls left by the prior residents and goes all Donnie Darko and befriends a creepy ass rabbit doll.

The laws of horror demand that any toy manufactured during the Toys R Us era must be possessed by a murderous demon and so the bedeviled bunny prepares to go all choppy-choppy on the young family with only the little girl standing in its way.

Not Alone

A man trying to catch some Z's is distracted by weird lights surrounding his house and scary shadow beings in his bedroom.

But is it all an insomniac's waking delusion or a full-scale alien invasion?

They Live Inside Us

A horror screenwriter plagued with writer's block seeks inspiration to complete his script. So he breaks into a rumored haunted house where a recent brutal murder occurred to spend the night.

He cycles through various horror tropes like masked killer, murder clown, and undead scarecrow with each scenario vividly coming to life in his mind.

Each story idea involves the same mysterious woman as the victim, the identity of which might be his key to stardom or a lonely doom.

Is That You?

A teenage girl on Halloween night texts her friends to go do something but all she receives is laters and the dreaded ellipses. Frustrated with her flaky pals, she starts to hear weird noises around her house.

Something is skulking amidst the holiday fun outside and it's made its way inside her house.

Setting up either the greatest scare prank of all time, the meanest trick or treat, or the last Halloween night of her life.

THE FINISHER:

Watching horror anthologies is like sitting around a summertime campfire and regaling scary legends, ghost stories, and other tales of woe. They’re the perfect type of movies to watch on a Halloween night, a mini-marathon in and of itself if you need to hit the hay early. Much like the classic anthologies like Creepshow, Trick r Treat, the criminally underrated Tales from the Darkside: The Movie, and many others, The Witching Season succeeds in providing a lineup of clever, unnerving stories featuring unexpected twists. The makers do a commendable job leading a cast with natural talent, avoid references to other films and franchises and try something new, and do not exceed an ambition beyond their financial means, an unfortunate quality I've encountered with horror shorts in the past which is why I tend to avoid them. The strongest entry is They Live Inside Us which has been expanded into a feature film released in 2020 and The Witching Season 2 is in the works. Much affection towards the season is on display here despite the challenges of low budget filmmaking. Especially worthy of note are the homages to the Beistle company, creators of the finest vintage Halloween decorations of yesterday and today.

The Witching Season makes for a perfect short night of Halloween night marathon fare along with one or all of the other films mentioned above if you need your scares short, sweet, and to the point.

As of 10/9/23, The Witching Season is streaming on Amazon Prime.

HAUNTED MANSION (2023)

noreply@blogger.com (El Tremendo) — Sun, 08 Oct 2023 07:00:00 +0000

THE CARD:

LaKeith Stanfield, Rosario Dawson, Owen Wilson, Tiffany Haddish, Danny DeVito, Jamie Lee Curtis, Chae Dillon, Jared Leto, the mark of the beginning of the end of my adult childhood, and 999 unhappy yawns and there’s room for so much more.

More details here.

WARNING: SPOILERS BELOW

THE ANGLE:

Gabbie (Dawson) and young son Travis (Dillon) move to an area outside New Orleans to open a bed & breakfast in the old Gracie Mansion, a dilapidated crumbling dwelling sitting in the bucolic splendor of Goddamn This Shit Creepy County.

Big shocker that the place turns out to be infested by otherworldly specters who feed on the attention and pant-shitting of potential inhabitants for as yet unspecific reasons.

Having nowhere else to go, Gabbie and Travis are forced to live with these ghastly phantoms the best they can, but the spooky goings-on are just too much for the young family.

So Gabbie turns to local priest and self-described ghost eradicator Father Kent (Wilson) for help, but he may be a few crackers short of a communion basket.

Sensing a plumb opportunity to spread the good word and make a few bucks on the side, Kent enlists the aid of Ben (Stanfield), a former budding scientist turned local depressed New Orleans History tour guide. In his prior academic life, Ben developed a device that can photograph invisible energies which could provide evidence of the paranormal.

In desperate need of quick cash, Ben agrees to investigate the home and participate in the charade but he's 100% skeptical, that is until the Gracie manor ghosts hitch a ride home with him.

Meanwhile Kent gathers a team of other ghost "experts" including Tulane University professor Mr. Davis (DeVito) who has written books on the history of Louisiana haunted houses and by the looks of it maxed out his FSA benefits on mental healthcare.

Also in the lineup is kooky medium Harriet (Haddish) who could out-Whoopie Whoopie on her day off with an impressive display of sassy psychic power.

Gabbie's ghostbusters gather to confront the unruly spirits and so the Haunted Mansion stars come out to shine:

Professional Widow and Axe Tossing Champ Constance Hatchaway

Melancholy Organ Player Herr Victor Geist

Mystical Powerhouse Madame Leota (Curtis)

And My Ex.

After facing their own personal issues with fear, guilt, and remorse, the gang finally comes together as a team and discovers that something far ominous than simple spirits at unrest is at play within the halls of the Gracie Mansion. And it all has to do with world-threatening desires of the Haberdasher from Hell Alistair Crump (Leto), aka The Hatbox Ghost.

And it's going to take more than a Genie, Magic Key, or $150 Popcorn Bucket to get them away from this ghastly but dapper demon.

THE FINISHER:

I have often been described as a “Disney Adult”, a label placed on grown-up fans that have strong opinions about Disney products from films, toys, TV series, and amusement parks and have put their fanaticism out on display whether at the parks, in social media, or at their therapist's. At first fun, the term has turned out to be somewhat pejorative and maybe unfairly applied to some. My opinions are not as fervent as your average belly-aching Disney fan, but I have invested in annual passes for the park, spent more than I should on unique merchandise, and maybe shoved a kid or two on my way to the Peter Pan ride. But I’m certainly not the type that goes to the Disney parks every day, live streams every minute detail of my visit, wanders around childless gushing at popcorn containers and cheap plush, or publicly melts down on YouTube at any hint of the tiniest of changes to a beloved ride, overpriced food item, or dress code. But yes, despite the overcrowding, the screaming brats and doofwad parents, the terminally eternal wait queues, and good god the walking and sweating, I love the Disneyland Park in Anaheim, CA. My ardent affection for this specific piece of Disney property and its rich history has forged lifelong friendships, stronger bonds with family, and abject financial ruin.

As a kid, the Tremendo fam would make every effort to visit Disneyland each summer and so many memorable impressions were made: the smells of orange groves as you enter Main Street, the swampy waters of the Pirates of the Caribbean, and the clouds of buttery goodness wafting through popcorn stands around Sleeping Beauty Castle, the sounds of the Billy Hill and the Hillbillies Band’s pun and poverty-fueled hilarity at the Golden Horseshoe, the electronic joy of the Main Street Electrical Parade theme, the jubilant but migraine inducing It’s a Small World song, and the sensations of the shadowy rolling terrors of Space Mountain, the toe-tapping bodily fluid bliss of the Country Bear Jamboree, and that crunchy first bite of The Plaza Inn Restaurant’s fried chicken. But nothing beats the nervous gulps and goosebumps felt as you hear that gloomy organ music approaching the line to my favorite Disney attraction of all: The Haunted Mansion. This ride had everything that pleased puny Halloween-obsessed Tremendito: ghostly howls, spectral chaos, gloomy décor, catchy tunes drenched in dread, a threatening but alluring undead bride, and a delightfully dark and twisted sense of humor. Makes me want to go bankrupt and visit the park now!

So, before I watched Eddie Murphy’s The Haunted Mansion way back in 2003, I experienced the same anxiety I felt while easing into a Doom Buggy, because I fully expected a miserable movie that would fail to capture the spirit of the ride and ruin it for me forever. But I didn’t get that. I got something worse: a completely forgettable but harmless and dopey Disney comedy that barely scratched the surface of its source material. (If you disagree, dear four readers, please leave a comment below!).

Did the same happen 20 years later with this 2023 version of the ride as a movie? Not really, but it suffers most of the same problems as the previous. And the issue might lie within Disney's determination to make a film franchise out of all their attractions, a strategy that is churning diminishing returns like the bloated Jungle Cruise (2021). Haunted Mansion seems like a rushed effort as is evident by moments of obvious post-produced dialog and a couple jarring cuts. This appears to be a problem with all post-2020 movies lately and I don't know whether to blame it on expedited production schedules, creative laziness, or my increasing aging-related lack of focus. As plot points unravel and we have to introduce so many characters, we're never given a chance to just soak in the eerie atmosphere, character and set design, and plentiful references to the ride's lore which are the standouts of this movie. Also, the movie runs too long with an added side plot that could have been shortened or exorcised.

Besides the design, effects, and ride references, another highlight is the cast which includes the always luminous Dawson, always dumpy and dependable DeVito, always congested Owens, always giving Curtis, always unsettling on and off the screen Leto, and the always ear-piercingly outrageous Haddish. Also, Dillon gives a likeable, endearing, and believable performance as Travis, avoiding the usual Disney trend of casting bland and irritating young actors. The only cast member who seems out of place is the normally outstanding Stanfield who appeared a bit stiff and out of touch with the scary wackiness but recovers with a heroic turn in the last act. The theme of loss and mourning is well handled with emotional payoffs for the living and the dead. But it is the plethora of references to the ride and effort to meld all of its elements into one story that kept me engaged and smiling for a mostly good time.

Personally, I would have preferred an more sinister and/or cynical story that still retained the ride's backstory added with some pitch black humor and horrific fun leaning towards an R-rating. Maybe someone like Guillermo Del Toro, who was actually attached to this project for many years, could have accomplished that like his own haunted house tale Crimson Peak with a tad less bleakness. As long as these movies keep making money, we'll continue to see Disney attractions as film, but I urge the Disney overlords caution and plead them to make better movies. That being said, I for one cannot wait until Bathroom Next to Autotopia is released.

Haunted Mansion's scares and tone are pretty light and despite and over 2-hour running time, the movie might be best shown first or early in your Halloween night movie marathon. Just don't invite some blathering Disney Adult who will complain about the lack of including the Coffin Occupant. Seriously what the Hell???

As of 10/8/23, Haunted Mansion is streaming on Disney+.

MALEVOLENT (2018)

noreply@blogger.com (El Tremendo) — Thu, 05 Oct 2023 07:00:00 +0000

THE CARD:

Florence Pugh, Ben Lloyd-Hughes, Celia Imrie, Scott Chambers, Georgina Bevan, James Cosmo, Niall Greig Fulton, and some spooky scary foster kids.

More details here.

WARNING: SPOILERS BELOW

THE ANGLE:

In late 80s Scotland, Angela (Pugh) and Jackson (Lloyd-Hughes) are a brother-sister pair who run a business in which they investigate haunted houses and help the owners rid their homes of scary ghosts for a fee. Angela is a psychic who can seek out entities and help them find the light. Jackson, his girlfriend Beth (Bevan), and his buddy Elliot (Chambers) assist with the technical set-up which involves lighting and filming the investigation.

Unfortunately, it's all a con job which they inherited from the their late mother who ran an identical business in the U.S. The scammers seat the victim in another room with a live camera on Angela while cameraman Elliot plays spooky voices on a tape recorder and fakes other sounds and rigs objects to move. Their methods are pretty innovative and I hope the bazillion paranormal YouTubers can try this one day.

On one particular investigation, Angela has a chilling encounter with a screaming mannequin that's not Kim Cattrall and starts to realize that maybe this ghost stuff might be real after all. A bloody nose and another encounter with a spirit at her school confirms her belief, so she informs brother Jackson that she's done busting ghosts because it doesn't make her feel good. Meanwhile, shifty Jackson is in deep shit and in debt to some devious characters.

Desperate for cash, he begs Angela to do just one more swindle. This new case comes from the mysterious Ms. Green, an elderly owner of a huge mansion that is bedeviled by the spirits of little girls who were murdered by her psychotic son (Fulton) decades prior. They were her foster children whom she took in and now wrecked with guilt, she seeks solace and an end to the torment of these tragic events. She also needs a Kleenex.

Angela who learns from her grandfather (Cosmo) that her mother also had the ability to see and communicate with ghosts which may have manifested by guilt from ripping off so many innocent people and contributed to her untimely death. Angela eventually agrees to help Jackson and the team travels to Green's remote home where they soon discover faking evidence may not be necessary.

Although Angela sees the little girls everywhere, nothing is caught on film, leading Green to suspect that Jackson's crew are not legit. Meanwhile, suspicions rise amongst the crooked investigators over Green's true motive in calling them to her home. As the night goes on, everyone encounters the ghosts as the 60s novelty tune Beep Beep echoes creepily throughout the halls. Somebody call Dr. Demento!

The cute little specters who look like they've dived into the cherry pie seek vengeance for their early demise and the team is attacked one after the other. They rush to escape only to be stopped by Green and her very alive son who have sinister plans for our conniving scammers.

Cornered and left to the malevolent (aha!) and sadistic thirst of Ma and Junior Green, Angela and the gang have to fight their way out. And after long in denial over her powers, Angela is forced to use them to get her and her friends out of this torture mansion alive, even if it means making a deal with the dead.

THE FINISHER:

I’ll admit that I’m not very good at describing actors and their approach to performance and sorely lack the ability or qualifications to critique or wax poetic on the fine art of acting. All I can comment is how they make me feel and what they make me think about when I watch them play pretend up there on the big screen. And I can say this for sure, Florence Pugh has never failed to make me like her. From the first time I saw her in Fighting with My Family to her heroic turn in Black Widow to the exercise in tedium Don’t Worry Darling to her full glory in Oppenheimer, she has never disappointed. To say nothing about her folk horror turn in Midsommar! Despite the breadth of genres she has worked, she appears both down to earth yet inaccessible, and I’m not talking about her looks, sashay, or superhero landings. She’s someone you could sit down and tell fart jokes over a beer and nachos and later attend a hoity toity celebrity cotillon with living fart jokes. Her natural acting qualities and unique and endearing personality evoke the same way I felt about Jennifer Lawrence before she started acting like a phony goof at award shows and faking pratfalls like a footballer and making an awful X-Men movie. But FloPu just…sigh…

Goddamn it, I just spent a paragraph admitting to my Florence Pugh crush. Oh well.

This is all to say that Pugh carries this well-shot and tautly told tale of ghosts, grift, and guilt with a fine supporting cast and some decent jump scares. Her aura of soon-to-attain-stardom is evident in every shot and the rest of the cast including classy film veteran Imrie can only try to keep up. Lloyd-Hughes is completely unlikable as the shady and selfish Jackson up until the heartbreaking end which I won't spoil here. What's missing is the ghostlyness of it all, for lack of another better made-up word. The little girl spirits are seen here as solid beings and not suffering horrifying gossamer phantoms or the unseen threat they should be and as a result true scares are few. Nevertheless, director Olaf de Fleur crafts a economical story while retaining an air of mystery and builds the tension effectively with the resources at hand.

Malevolent is a slow-burning but commendable ghostly thriller and its running time, story pace, and opportunity to gaze upon the wonder of Ms. Pugh would make for a relaxing comedown after a truly scary movie in your Halloween night marathon.

As of 10/5/23, Malevolent is streaming on Netflix.

THE EXORCIST II: THE HERETIC

noreply@blogger.com (El Tremendo) — Wed, 04 Oct 2023 07:00:00 +0000

THE CARD:

Linda Blair, Richard Burton, Louise Fletcher, Max von Sydow, Kitty Winn, Paul Henreid, James Earl Jones, Ned Beatty, the kitchen sink, and a roster of talent more stacked than my last Tinder rejection.

More details here.

WARNING: SPOILERS BELOW

THE ANGLE:

Father Lamont (Burton) is an exorcist who may or may not officially work with the Vatican to travel around the world saving kiddies from that nasty old Satan and his many minions. Unfortunately, his efforts, which includes sweating and looking nervous, go sideways and he loses one said kiddie. Whoops!

After this latest failure, Lamont is summoned by the Pope (Henreid), not to discuss losing a gal to Ol' Scratch but to investigate the death of Father Merrin (von Sydow) who passed away during Regan MacNeil's (Blair) exorcism in Washington, DC years ago. Suspicion has been raised that the child-possessing demon Pazuzu may still be lurking in the real world, remaining a threat to the dollar droppers in the coin basket every Sunday.

Meanwhile, Regan now lives in New York independently from her mother, attends musical theater school, and sees therapist Dr. Tuskin (Fletcher) at a clinic for the young and physically challenged, special needs children, and the former tormented by the hoary hosts of Hell. Regan is quickly approaching adulthood and is blossoming into a beauty, and honestly she can trickle down my economics anytime.

Tuskin experiments with hypnosis technology in the hopes of unlocking Regan's lost memories of her possession which piques the interest of Lamont who arrives at the clinic and wants in on the fun.

But things go haywire yet again when the experiment unleashes all-too real illusions of Merrin's encounter with Pazuzu-possessed Regan, the truth behind Merrin's death, and scenes from a better movie.

Lamont suspects that Regan could be the key to finding and eradicating Pazuzu's influence and recommends continuing Tuskin's treatment, though Tuskin herself remains skeptical. A side effect of the therapy is also Regan's incessant Calvin Klein-inspired dreams.

Unfortunately, distrust and turmoil disrupts the proceedings and hinders Lamont's investigation. He then decides to literally and metaphorically venture to unknown territory to unravel the mystery of Pazuzu's power. He arrives in an African and/or Middle Eastern location searching for one of Pazuzu's prior and also failed possessions, a person or spirit known as Kokumo (Jones). Cue the Beach Boys here.

Lamont discovers that there may be a link between rampant clouds of locusts attacking the area and the demonic influence of Pazuzu who may be in fact the source of the plagues. His search for the surviving boy Kokumo unravels the horrors of these attacks and the will of faith against evil. Or maybe they have some really good Raid. Lamont begins to hallucinate recklessly and is afflicted by delusions. Or maybe he had some really good hash.

Lamont finally stumbles upon the lair of Kokumo in a cave and proceeds to hear his own pursuit of eradicating evil, erasing doubt from his mind on the power of belief, or the advice to not take any film role to make a mortgage payment.

Lamont awakes from this strange string of weirdness and encounters the real Kokumo - Dr. Kokumo as a matter of fact - who is an entomologist who studies locusts and has discovered a way to control them by genetically engineering a "Good Locust" that influences the behavior of the other ones. Finally getting the author's message, Lamont travels back to Washington to the site of Regan's possession with Regan herself tagging along.

There they confront a duplicate of possessed Regan controlled by Pazuzu for some reason and all shit breaks loose and somehow it all makes sense.

But very much like the greatest insect hero Mothra, a plague of "good" locusts arrives and goes all J-6 on Washington, DC and that demonic brat with the cute name.

In the end, when all the crispy insect wings, half-eaten scenery, and bottles of bourbon are left strewn all over DC, it's curtains for Pazuzu!

Or is it???

(Yes, it is.)

THE FINISHER:

If you know me IRL, you know that the original Exorcist is the one movie that has haunted and terrified the living piss out of me for decades. I was too young to watch it in theaters during its theatrical run so it wasn’t until the movie’s heavily edited TV version aired that I experienced just the tip of the trauma it would afford me as a kid. I would lay awake in my bed wrecked by worry, but not about whether or not I would get that Snoopy Good Grief Glider for X-mas, or whether Nana Tremendo’s albondigas would make my pants squishy, or whether Jaclyn Smith would prefer a church wedding over eloping to Vegas. Naw, man, my big worry was whether Mama Tremendo would be able to afford to bring in an exorcist to help avert the inevitable consuming of my soul by El Diablo. Those were some sweat-soaked nights, my friends. And after watching the full unedited version on video later, things got worse.

To this day, the late, great William Friedkin’s demonic epic echoes vividly in my brain whenever I wake up in the middle of night lost in fright having imagined faint but harsh whispers of Mercedes McCambridge uttering “Your Mother sews socks in heck!”, “What’s a Weebles Marina, you moron?” and “Whatever it is you are doing, you are doing it wrong”. I did not dare own a copy of the film until very recently and I think it’s somewhere in my home still sealed, un-played, and probably lying under a pile of crucifixes. Friedkin’s film is a reminder that though I may have become jaded by all the horror films I see now, there is still one that will make me squirm, shudder, and fatly weep despite the passing years. The Exorcist is a monumental piece of cinema that elevated the horror genre to the Academy Awards and critical acclaim, impacted the cultural psyche with that haunting score and vivid terrifying imagery, and widened the path to dare future horrific works to keep up with the scariest film ever made.

So why in the hell does The Exorcist II: The Heretic exist? Good question. Consumer demand? Money grab? Capturing the zeitgeist? Coke bill? I have no specific answers, but I will say this: am I ready to declare that this generally despised film considered to be among the worst sequels in movie history is tragically underrated? To put it mildly, FUCK NO, but with some exceptions. What we have here is a complete 180 degree turn from sophisticated terror and a study of faith to a ponderously stylistic psychic archeological mystery that blows up like a Burger King bathroom in Hell. The production is stacked with talent from director John Boorman (Deliverance), cinematographer William Fraker (Bullitt), master film composer Ennio Morricone (The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly), returning stars from the first movie Blair, Winn, and von Sydow, screen legend Burton, Academy Award winner Fletcher (One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest), and cameos from the great James Earl Jones and Ned Beatty. Plus Boorman brought in writer and frequent collaborator of his more stellar works Rospo Pallenberg, perhaps the greatest real fake name of all time.

But in the end, all this immense potential churned out a confusing, stiff to the point of amateur, and overly ambitious 117-minute spectacular fail. Blair is cute as the nearing adulthood Regan but her bubble headed, never fully explained psychosis muddies the story. Burton appears fully committed and because he's Richard Burton he commands his every onscreen moments of nonsense. The normally outstanding Fletcher is unbelievably bad, shambling from scene to scene like a soap opera zombie. Winn returns as Blair's assistant and shouty confidant who gets a fiery bum deal in the end. Morricone's ethereal score cannot mesh with the mess on screen. Fraker's imagery may have looked great on the big screen forty years ago but every digital and DVD copy of this film I've seen is grainy, dark, and is as pleasant to look at as (Insert obligatory pea soup reference here). Although the third act is menace to all that is decent, the movie is nearly saved by the always dependable Jones who briefly classes up the joint. Oddly and most frustratingly, Father Karras (Jason Miller) from the original film is never discussed or mentioned despite that his actions saved Regan in end. But - aha! - that's another story for the next installment in the franchise.

A hugely scandalous and/or sad story may lie behind this production, one too long or boring to reprint here. A more compelling story could have evolved out of what was attempted as there are some interesting ideas at work that expand the notion of faith in the modern world and myth versus science. But whatever happened behind the curtain certainly killed that subtext with a spray of holy water. The Exorcist II is so bad it's avant garde. It is a repudiation of the squirms, shudders, and tears that the great horror movies deliver. It's someone's murky memory of a movie recalled after waking from a Richard Burtonesque three-day bender. And it could have been something better had they listened to Ms. McCambridge's raspy volcanic voice whisper "Do better" in the middle of the night.

As far as your Halloween marathon, I completely do not recommend watching this one. Not a single scare to be found unless frustration, boredom, and confusion makes you shit your pants.

As of 10/4/23, The Exorcist II: The Heretic is streaming on Max.

BLOOD VESSEL (2020)

noreply@blogger.com (El Tremendo) — Mon, 02 Oct 2023 09:00:00 +0000

THE CARD:

Nathan Phillips, Alyssa Sutherland, Robert Taylor, Christopher Kirby, Alex Cooke, Mark Diaco, John Lloyd Fillingham, Troy Larkin, Vivienne Perry, Ruby Isobell Hall, more undead Nasties than a Turnip rally, and one of the finest movie puns in quite a while.

More details here.

WARNING: SPOILERS BELOW

THE ANGLE:

In the waning days of the Battle of the Atlantic during World War II, a ship heading to America is sunk by a German U-boat leaving a rag-tag group stranded in a lifeboat. The survivors include the stalwart but doomed Captain Malone (Taylor), tightly wound Australian soldier Nathan (Sinclair), strong-willed medic Jane (Sutherland), brutish but brave sailor Kirby (Jackson), selfish creep Jimmy (Diaco), highly skilled Russian sniper who's seen some shit Teplov (Cooke), and conniving sniveling coward Faraday (Fillingham). In a good news/bad news situation, they encounter a ship that promises rescue. Unfortunately, it's a German Nasty boat.

Although they lose a few members boarding the eerily empty ship, the gang finds shelter and a surviving chance in this dangerous place. But this faint glimmer of hope is threatened by constant bickering, treachery, and the appearance of a creepy ass little girl Mya (Hall).

Mya can speak no English and cannot explain what's happened to the crew, adding to increased frustration. They search the rest of the ship and surmise that she has survived a horrific attack on the ship by an unknown force as burned and mutilated bodies are found throughout the ship. As fear mounts upon the gruesome discoveries and Mya's increasingly weird behavior, the group's solidarity is shattered as no one trusts Teplov, Faraday acts stranger by the minute, and everyone hears sounds coming from a storage room.

They discover a lone survivor who we find out is guarding a treasure trove of German gold bars, a box full of weird Christian crosses and bottles of water, and two huge ass Gothic coffins that would make Tim Burton swoon.

Jimmy hatches a plot to snatch the cache of German gold bars and Faraday separates from the rest, finds a radio, and attracts the attention of a German ship that's already searching for the lost vessel, further complicating everyone's chance of survival. In search of more gold, greedy Jimmy opens the coffins and yup you guessed it, unleashes this blood vessel's star attraction, an ancient and very thirsty vampire.

And so the passenger list of this Hate Boat dwindles further as the creatures search for Mya, who's revealed to be the daughter of the vampires, canceling any chances of shuffle boarding on the Lido Deck*.

*A reference for readers of a certain age. Sigh...

THE FINISHER:

I'm a sucker for horror stories set during the Second World War and the last few years have provided some fine flicks including 2018's zombie epic Overlord, 2020's battlefield creepshow Ghosts of War and the gremlins in the sky hand-wringer Shadow in the Clouds, all of which are strongly recommended for your Halloween marathon.

Blood Vessel director Justin Dix adds another worthy entry in this subgenre by delivering a tight thriller by presenting the rare treat of good character development, deft lighting and editing to enhance the air of claustrophobic menace, and a brilliant creature and make-up design to keep us engaged. Also, the movie utilizes an interesting addition to the vampire power inventory in the form of the the ability to bite a victim but not completely kill them in order to control them remotely. Unfortunately this leaves the vamps vulnerable to any damage their puppet may encounter or suffer which was a clever twist. Other highlights are the dedicated performances by Alex Cooke as the underestimated Russian soldier who possesses an understanding of the strange happenings by his constant tagline, "I've seen worse." and Nathan Phillips as the tough-as-cat-gut Aussie who suffers no fools or bloodsuckers. Dix worked in special effects before film directing and the attention and cool design of the glowing eye vampire evoke the eldritch horror and artistry of Nosferatu and 'Salem's Lot.

I can fully recommend Blood Vessel for your Halloween movie marathon, but due to patches of slow pacing in spots, I would show this either first or second for as the night wears on, the edibles kick in, the stomach full of treats bubbles, and attention spans dwindle, you may face a challenge staying awake waiting for the goddamn Great Pumpkin.

As of 10/2/23, Blood Vessel is streaming on Shudder.

CANDY CORN (2019)

noreply@blogger.com (El Tremendo) — Sun, 01 Oct 2023 07:29:00 +0000

THE CARD:

Courtney Gains, Pancho Moler, P.J. Soles, Tony Todd, Jimothy Beckholt, Cy Creamer, Madison Russ, Sky Elobar, Nate Chaney, a bucket of the greatest candy ever invented, and a budget broken by the dental bill.

More details here.

WARNING: SPOILERS BELOW

THE ANGLE:

The small town of Grove Hill welcomes the annual Halloween time visit of the scary in a mall-goth-kid way Dr. Death’s Sideshow Spookhouse Spectacular. Thankfully, Dr. Death chose not to market the carnival as a “Spooktacular” or otherwise I would have jumped off a roof.

The carnival is led by the eponymous Dr. Death (Moler), a diminutive demonologist with serious anger issues and possible deep-set acne. Unfortunately, the spooktacular is poorly attended and business is the drizzling shits which could explain why Dr. D is always pissy.

Or it could be that Grove Hill appears to be inhabited by like twelve people including five deranged sociopaths. Said five are a gang of twenty-something lowlifes led by the town Sheriff’s son Mike (Beckholt) who are planning their own annual tradition of beating the crap out of candy corn-loving local yokel Jacob (Chaney) on Halloween night. No reason is provided as to why they want to torment poor Jacob so I can only assume they hate the good people at Brach's.

Jacob also happens to work at Dr. Death’s where the good Doc also treats him like shit. Mike and his crew including this upstanding Grove Hill citizen…

…proceed to attack the defenseless Jacob and accidently kill him and leave his body in the middle of the sparsely attended carnival. After a collective indifferent shrug, everyone bails the scene. The shouty Dr. Death discovers his body and proceeds to revive him through black magic or something.

The next day Sheriff Bramford (Gains) receives a report of the assault. He and assistant Marcy (Soles) half-assed-ly interrogates unwilling witness Carol (Russ), a girlfriend of one of the attackers. Bramford visits Dr. Death and his minion Bishop Gate (Todd) and is greeted with anti-cop attitude. Rude!

Meanwhile the revived corpse of Jacob takes his jack o'lantern bucket of candy corn, goes on a Spirit Halloween shopping spree, and starts slaying the crumb bums who murdered him.

Besides sweet Halloween treats, Jacob is perhaps a little too inspired by Mortal Kombat video games.

So everyone gets their comeuppance and um and that's pretty much it. The Sheriff declares martial law, Dr. Death's employees briefly consider filing a complaint about their boss' Hell-bound antics, Doc rambles about being oppressed by the pigs, and zombie Jacob just kinda wanders around waiting for his killers to bump into him.

Meanwhile, precious candy corns go uneaten.

THE FINISHER:

I have never understood the hatred towards candy corn which I suspect is a relatively recent trend. No, not the movie, that hatred I can totally understand which I will get to in a moment. I mean the actual candy. Finding a bag of these ultra sweet treats in your trick-or-treat spread was a hallmark of my Halloween memories. OK, so they're weird and pointy. They have no discernable flavor besides artery hardening sugariness. They have bright non-scary colors. They've been unjustly called the cerumen of sweets. But get over the threat of abject chronic disease and the assault on your aesthetic sensibilities! Candy corn, in its autumnal glory as a symbol of the Fall harvest, represents the arrival of the greatest time of the year: the Halloween season. Just ask that cousin you never call who shops for Halloween decor in July (not that there's anything wrong with that). Seeing candy corn appearing on grocery shelves means the months of goodness, fright, and empty wallets is here. And I for one welcome it, and urge that you reconsider the candy corn as a permanent staple to your confectionary diet. Just fucking eat it!

Anyway, Candy Corn is not a good movie and there are many things wrong with it that could have been solved with a bigger budget, better script, and maybe considering not making it at all. That being said, it was good to see horror veterans Gains (Children of the Corn), Todd (Candyman), and Soles (Halloween) working again, even if it was for little return. Rob Zombie cohort Soler as Dr. Death hams it up but has little to do but wear spooky make-up and scowl. Slimeball Elobar (The Greasy Strangler) makes an unsettling appearance that creeped me out for the few minutes he's on screen. The dingy washed-out cinematography did evoke the micro-budget 70s horror feel at times, but most of the movie is murky and unpleasant to watch. Candy Corn denies us the sweet delicious promise of its namesake and is ultimately compromised by few scares, multiple plot points shown off-screen, a snail's pace, and a general befuddlement amongst the cast.

I can't recommend this movie for your Halloween night marathon. It's too slow, not scary, and not even fun enough to mock with your chuckling horror dork friends.

As of 10/1/23, Candy Corn is streaming on Tubi and Amazon Prime.

TREMENDO TIME ON HIATUS

noreply@blogger.com (El Tremendo) — Wed, 12 Jan 2022 17:14:00 +0000

Hi!

Tremendo Time will return October 2023!

Your horror pal,

El Tremendo

I STILL SEE YOU (2018)

noreply@blogger.com (El Tremendo) — Thu, 03 Oct 2019 15:55:00 +0000

THE CARD:

Bella Thorne, Richard Harmon, Amy-Price Francis, Shaun Benson, Thomas Elms, Sara Thompson, Louis Herthum, and Mermot Rondunny, um Motderm Delraimi, um Fertig von Domnrom, um Mermit Ex Vosdox, oh Dermot Mulroney!

More details here.

WARNING: SPOILERS BELOW

THE ANGLE:

Ten years after a massive explosion at Hadron Collider-type government facility, ghosts are commonplace, appearing at regular intervals mimicking behavior from their former lives like holograms stuck in a looped recording.

The apparitions are called remnants or "rems" and are now studied as a primary subject in schools. High schooler Veronica (Thorne) lost her father in the incident. Veronica has grown understandably sad, despondent, and dark since the loss of her father and his ghostie appearing at breakfast every morning doesn't help her mourn.

We learn that as scientists struggle to explain their existence, the rems do not interact with the real world and simply appear and disappear for no known reason. So Veronica is especially alarmed when one morning, a rem appears in the shower with her and tries to communicate.

But this is no ordinary spooky sexy rendezvous in the can. The menacing rem is behaving weirdly and lunges for her. Terrorized, Veronica seeks the advice of her teacher Mr. Bittner (Mulroney) who is not helpful as he indelicately explains that what she's experiencing is impossible.

So Veronica seeks out the school's official creepy guy and resident rem expert Kirk (Harmon) to help, and of course they fall in awkward gothy love and stuff.

As the pair Scooby-Doo their way through increasingly dangerous interactions with the rem and evidence that its behavior is part of a wider conspiracy involving the accident that started this whole thing, a presumed rem-caused body count starts to rise.

Veronica and Kirk discover that the rem might not be as menacing as previously thought and their investigation turns to a more alive type of killer with sinister intentions beyond their understanding. They discover that the rem is being manipulated to transfer another rem's spirit into a living person to bring that person back to life in a process called "spectral transference". All the wacky paranormal science talks leads to a final confrontation, a lot of head-scratching...

...and a very soggy Dermot.

THE FINISHER:

I Still See You, a perfectly fine soft-PG ghost movie, is based on the 2013 book Break My Heart a 1,000 Times, another perfectly fine Young Adult novel. Directed by Scott Speer, a former music video director and producer of the Step-Up movies, with screenplay by Jason Fuchs, who worked on Wonder Woman, the movie is a completely fine paranormal romance that you can knock out in 90 OK-ish minutes. Former Disney star, now porn director, and lead Thorne is super competent and present for her role as a mourning goth girl turned otherworldly target. Gaunt and creepy Harmon, who looks destined for an X-men role as a morlock (that’s a compliment), is also totally decent and satisfactory as the sullen romantic interest. Mulroney, who I haven’t seen in anything for a while, is sending out RDJ-like vibes in his capable performance as the cool teacher who knows what Snapchat is and may not be what he seems. But the real star is the fantastic premise in which ghosts are real, are ordinary, and are trying to affect reality. The idea is never truly fleshed out in the movie which forsakes an exploration of this world to tell a romantic whodunit that in the end had major implications for the world it's trying to build. And that's totally fine. I don't know how popular the book was, but it's evident by the last scene the producers have intentions to franchise with future installments. The original novel was released by a publishing wing of Disney, so I wouldn't put past them. I could see this work in a CW series as the movie mish-mashes hints of Riverdale, Stranger Things, and Twilight and could cash in on those still viable YA dollars.

THE MAD (2007)

noreply@blogger.com (El Tremendo) — Wed, 02 Oct 2019 07:00:00 +0000

THE CARD:

Maggie Castle, Shauna MacDonald, Evan Charles Flock, Jordan Madley, Rothaford Gray, Matthew D. Matteo, and my personal savior of bad cinema Billy Zane.

More details here.

WARNING: SPOILERS BELOW

THE ANGLE:

Dr. Hunt (Zane), girlfriend Monica (MacDonald), daughter Amy (Castle), and Amy's boyfriend Blake (Flock), are out on a family road trip and decide to stop at a brutally bucolic tourist trap.

Behold the Griswold-esque misery

Amy hates her potential stepmom Monica. Monica is self-absorbed and also hates Amy. Blake is a clueless doof. Dr. Hunt listens to 80s New Wave, ignores his bratty daughter, and aches for a handy from his girlfriend. And there you have the psychological dynamics which will drive this meaty narrative.

They lunch at a cafe known for its 100% organic burgers locally sourced by beef from Sutter Farms, a nearby slaughterhouse. Unfortunately, the Sutters feed their cattle supplements bought from the "inner-net" which results in contaminated meat and pissed-off hop head cows.

They're moo-ed as hell and aren't going to take it anymore!

So as fate would have it and because this is America, someone horks down the contaminated meat and all the townsfolk go koo-koo for blood and guts and attack our little traveling family, resulting in an untimely death for poor Monica.

"No one told me she wasn't gluten free!"

Dr. Hunt tries to figure out how to scientifically explain the epidemic by dissecting his former girlfriend. Unfortunately, he's distracted by her constant chattering from the great beyond.

Zom-beef

Several wacky hijinks later, the gang teams up with the cafe's chef and waitress in a showdown against the increasing number of burger-breathed undead.

Reaction to "Hey, everyone here's your paycheck!"

But the zombie hordes are just too much and the survivors' number dwindles to just Dr. Hunt and Amy who decide to trek to the Sutter Farm and see if the epidemic can be stopped from the source. There they meet Farmer Sutter (Matteo) who's gone already murderously madder than his burger-patty pets.

"I wanted to be Five Guys, not Five Dies!"

With the farmers defeated (or were they?), the zombies destroyed (or were they?) and father and daughter reunited and stronger (or were they?) and the audience satisifed (we weren't), Dr. Hunt does the two-step with a dancing zombie for some reason.

"Still better than being in Titanic."

THE FINISHER:

The mid-2000s saw America struggling with economic near-collapse, political strife, domestic unrest, global terror, an increasingly fractured society alienated by technology, and seemingly endless warfare. Oh, and Spider-Man 3. And while all those terrible things were going on, something kind of wonderful emerged like a seedling finding daylight in a sunbaked Tempe parking lot. America fell in love with zombie movies again.

In this recent era of undead cinema resurgence, 2007’s The Mad chronologically lands comfortably between Shaun of the Dead, Zack Snyder’s Dawn of the Dead remake, and The Walking Dead. And while it borrows the comedic spirit of Edgar Wright’s horror comedy classic, the movie possesses nowhere near the quality or competence of those cultural zombie hallmarks. But like its similarly themed movie brother Black Sheep, it did try to weaponize the fear of Mad Cow Disease, another mid-2000s troubling thing, into a plot point for quick and dirty zombie chucklefest. Despite this unique take, it's ultimately squandered for pot jokes and long unfunny stretches of family bickering. One thing worthy of note though is the goofy homage to 80s New Wave soundtrack by Half Past Four who deliver Bud the Chud vibes with their title track. But hey if quick is what you’re looking for, then you’re in for an 80-minute romp, mostly harmless, mildly amusing, totally just OK.

Now while The Mad is not good, it does have its charms, mostly in the form of stalwart and dependable star Billy Zane. He instantly classes up the joint onscreen despite the awful material he has to work with. Oh, where do I start with Billy Zane? Much like Halloween Hell’s Eric Roberts, Zane possesses all the tools for super stardom that sadly has evaded him. A slithery but appealing swagger, the ability to play the heavy and hero interchangeably and with ease, disgusting handsomeness, and an otherworldly exotic look. Is he Middle Eastern? Eastern European? Eastern Western? Unfortunately, top-billing, eight-figure paydays, and hundred-dollar bills as snot rags did not happen for Zane and the reasons appear baffling, but probably not difficult to track down. In The Mad, Zane is just not collecting a paycheck as his comedic timing was hundreds of notches above his well-meaning co-stars. Goddamn it, Zane should be a bigger star, but we Zaniacs will have to settle for zombie cheapies, the occasional TV cameo, or the hidden camera I’ve sneaked into his house. What?

HALLOWEEN HELL (2014)

noreply@blogger.com (El Tremendo) — Tue, 01 Oct 2019 07:00:00 +0000

THE CARD:

Eric Bittencourt, Olga Klimentyeva, Tyler Emerson Crim, Kriss Dozal, Sebastien Charmant, a warehouse somewhere in Van Nuys, Bautista Demon, and professional brother Eric Roberts.

More details here.

WARNING: SPOILERS BELOW

THE ANGLE:

A cheeseball Dracula TV horror host guy dude (Roberts) presents a live online reality show in which random young contestants must survive 24 hours in a room where a mass murder of similar young people was committed by a demon that emerged from an ancient statue that looks particularly turdy.

Fresh from the Haunted Cursed Relic aisle at K-Mart.

Dracula will award $100,000 to the contestant who makes it through the night while a pay-per-view audience of millions watches on at $24.00 a pop.

"Velcome to Bad Movie Night."

The contestants range from bookish latina Rose (Dozal), nerdy tech entrepreneur Johnny (Bittencourt), wannabe country singer and lout Toby (Crim), sultry Euro model Gothia (Klimentyeva), aspiring pretentious filmmaker Mr. Jones (Charmant), and Central Casting final girl Judy (McIntyre). While none of them truly believe the demon murder story, they decide not to tempt fate and just make it through the night as best they can. Spoiling their strategy is the aggressively stupid Toby who decides to hump the cursed statue.

Behold the glorious set design by the Spirit Halloween Store clearance sale.

Despite objections from his fellow contestants, Toby decides to take his relationship with the statue to third base.

Halloweenie Hell

This despicable act somehow conjures the demon who takes revenge for Toby's Justice Kavanaugh-esque behavior.

If you've ever been decapitated by demon in a shack, you might be a redneck. Literally!

Meanwhile, Drac Roberts continues to age.

"I vant to suck your ... vhiskey."

The demon fully manifests and begins to off the contestants one by one, leaving only Johnny and Gothia to find a way to defeat it.

"I once devoured a soul THIS BIG!"

Meanwhile, Dracula's aging finally slows down to a reasonable Eric Roberts facsimile.

"How you like me now, sis?!"

Tech wizard Johnny figures out that that glass tumbler-sized magnets kill demons. Well of course they do!

Also serves to wipe memory of this movie as well.

After receiving mysterious messages from a ghostly voodoo lady who is never explained, Johnny and Gothia contain the demon, setting up a final showdown with their demonic tormentor.

The demon's final form is genie Sinbad from that alternative universe.

And with our heroes' valiant efforts, the demonic menace is flushed, much like Eric the Drac's paycheck.

Proudly displaying the filmmaker's message to the audience

THE FINISHER:

The 2019 #31DaysOfHalloween kicks off in traditional Tremendo Time fashion with an abjectly low budget, nearly unwatchable, logic defying, fiercely pointless, whatever is below butt dumb amateurish cheapo that looks like it was shot in a night – like last night.

Ah, I love this time of year!

Guys, let’s just cut to the chase: it’s bad. Terrible acting that approaches grade school improv, poorly-lit discount production values, and dull stretches of nonsense and time filler. Other than being set at Halloween (I guess?) there’s very little Halloweenyness going on. But the movie does excel in the way it consistently resists explaining anything and vehemently denying any effort at telling a story. You have to respect its defiant stance against entertainment.

And oh, Mr. Eric Roberts. Let’s talk about Eric Roberts. Once a rising star of 80s cinema featured in classics like nail-biting thriller Runaway Train and gangster sleeper Pope of Greenwich Village, Roberts has been a movie and TV mainstay with over 500 credits appearing in everything from NBC’s Heroes, to The Expendables, to music videos, to The Dark Knight, to reality show fare Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew. Displaying rugged good looks and a hewn intensity, Roberts seemed like he was destined for mega movie stardom that sadly never fully materialized. Despite his bouts with drugs, run-ins with the law, or living under the shadow of a mega movie star sibling, Roberts has amassed an amazingly varied range of work and is remains prolific today. Although known for appearing in several low budget direct-to-video titles, I still ponder why the hell would he – in 2014 mind you - do some cheap, low rent tripe like Halloween Hell? My fellow cinema nerds used to call these “phone bill roles”, as in the actor in question went way over their minutes and data and needed to take up some day-playing hack job in a skeevy skid row horror flick. Sadly, Roberts in full Dracula gear slurs his way through a presumably drunken haze feebly grasping at a horrible Bela Lugosi impression. I can only guess that Eric was either calling Mars or the afterlife to have to accept this job.

Next, let’s talk about director Ed Hunt. I first covered Mr. Hunt’s work in The Brain, also not good but features terrific creature effects, but it was his film Plague, a gripping disease epidemic movie, that I remember best and always seemed to be on HBO in the early 80s. Ten-year-old me loved it, but I haven't seen it since so who knows if the man who directed Eric fucking Roberts as a high AF Dracula watching kids get scratched by a $.99 Store demon in a direct to Amazon fucking Prime streamer has matured as an artist.

Finally, let’s talk about…well, I think that’s about all the highlights I could pull from this stinker. If you’re planning to add this to your Halloween night movie marathon, I would put it dead last, perhaps just as your guests are either snoozing after a fun-sized Snickers crash or are clearing the fuck out for the night.

COMING SOON: THE 31 DAYS OF HALLOWEEN!

noreply@blogger.com (El Tremendo) — Sat, 24 Aug 2019 00:35:00 +0000

That gloriously spooky time of year is just around the corner. Thirty-one days of candy corn, pumpkin spice, jack o'lanterns, creepy chills, moonlit nights, scary tunes, and empty wallets. I'll be watching 31 horror movies for the month of October and posting my thoughts in El Tremendo's world-famous (?) format. See right hand side of this blog if you don't know what the hell I'm talking about.

Until then, stay tremendous!

SNAKE OUTTA COMPTON (2018)

noreply@blogger.com (El Tremendo) — Mon, 29 Oct 2018 07:00:00 +0000

THE CARD:

Ricky Flowers Jr., Motown Maurice, Donte Essien, Aurelia Michael, Joston Theney, Jon Kondelik, Tarkan Dospil, Eric Paul Erickson, Samuel Jackson’s lawyer, Denzel Washington’s lawyer, the SyFy Channel’s lawyers, and the NAACP’s lawyers.

More details here.

WARNING: SPOILERS BELOW

THE ANGLE:

A familiar mother-effing voice is heard as a snake is tossed from a passing airliner over sunny Los Angeles. The snake lands on the hood of LAPD Officers Denz (Theny) and Ethan (Kondelik) who are out on a training day patrolling the streets of Compton in South Central LA.

"We're about as subtly named as King Kong!"

Denz and Ethan wipe the snake from their windshield as if it's nothing and go about their business. They will soon regret the decision. Meanwhile, science nerd and also subtly named Vurkel (Essien) finds the snake on the road and takes one of its intact eggs for an experiment.

Yes, you fucking did that!

Vurkel goes to his laboratory in a house he shares with this roommate Pinball (Maurice) who aspires to be in a rap group along with the alluring Neon (Michael) and vocalists Beez Neez (Dospil) and Cam (Flowers).

Day Players with Attitude

Pinball's rap group is set to audition for a big recording contract but Vurkel is annoyed by their constant partying and bullying. He experiments with the snake egg in his room and exposes it to some kind of weird sciencey ray gun thing. Unfortunately, the experiment results in the creation of a big ass snake that's hungry for homies.

Snake? I thought you were dead.

To complicate matters, white gangsta Alley Jaws (Erickson) shoots up Pinball's house demanding money owed to him.

Less Eminem, more Almond Joy

Broke and desperate, Pinball and Beez Neez dress up as Mexican wrestlers and plan a series of robberies to get Jaws' money quick.

Always worked for me.

The snake starts devouring the citizens of Compton from Korean grocers to publicly pooping hobos. With the cops hot on their tail, the gang makes a quick stop for ice cream.

Mike Mendez as Mexican Ice Cream Man is the role of a lifetime.

And then stop at a strip club for an extended rap battle scene.

I just couldn't, so here's a pic of a young and comely Elsa Lanchester.

But both the snake and the cops soon catch up with our heroes.

Welcome to Jurassic Korean Grocery Parking Lot!

After being bitten by his giant ass snake, Vurkel gets the TMNT treatment and begins to spread a violent virus.

Still better than Super Mario Bros.

So the final stage is set and Pinball and his crew will have to confront the snake atop the recording studio building and kill it with the most inhumane weapon known to man.

'Nuff said.

THE FINISHER:

Being the avid bad movie watcher that I am and will always be known to be (wipes tear), I’m often asked about how I feel about the SyFy Original line-up of craptastic fare. You know, the Sharknados, the Shartopusses, and other such stuff. Lord knows, I’ve seen my share, like this one and this one. And the answer I give is the same as the one I give to those who ask me about other terrible Z-grade movie brands like the Asylum, Troma, or DC Entertainment: I don’t care for bad on purpose. What I mean is that the prime factors – inept acting, ridiculous plotting, second-rate FX – are manufactured to fit the bad movie mold. The badness, for lack of a better term, feels artificial and forced. A true bad movie experience should be void of intentionality; the incompetence should sweep you off your feet and carry to a higher plane of mockery, gratification, and self-hatred, like a pitch meeting with Tara Reid. Add to that the pre-conditioned response of “Well, what did you expect? It’s supposed to be bad!”, that audiences have about these movies don’t motivate producers to aim for anything above the punny title. Unfortunately, this type of attitude is being applied to films in general nowadays, which may spell doom for movie-going in general. But to answer the question of what did I expect watching something called Snake Outta Compton? I expected to chuckle a bit. I expected at least one good kill. I expected it to pass the time.

But to be honest, deep down inside I expected it to be entertaining, perhaps even good. Maybe expected isn’t the word; call it hope. Hell, a movie with a cameo from the great Mike Mendez, maestro of such fun and rewatchable SyFy works like Big Ass Spider and Lavalantula amongst other fine horror films, can’t be all bad. But Snake Outta Compton is pretty bad. The production feels rushed, even though its main reference is a movie from three years ago, to say nothing about the seventeen-year-old Training Day references. The comedic acting falls somewhere between the last Scary Movie and anything dragging along the bloated comedy corpse of Rob Schneider. Fortunately, it avoids being grossly stereotypical given its setting, but the terrible 90s jokes, South Central references, and rapper puns reek of some white dude writer who ran lines via text past his one black writer friend who also went to Yale. That, or cocaine. Actually, I see that four people wrote the script. Hope there was plenty of coke to go around. But the news isn’t all bad. Like I said I did laugh a few times and I liked the fact that this served as a tongue-in-cheek sequel to Snakes on a Plane. But I shuddered at the thought that since there is a pencil-thin link between Lionsgate, the distributor of this film, and Universal Studios, the once-distributor of older Lionsgate titles, the Compton Snake could be considered a Universal Monster. Let that sink in! Ridiculousness aside, I can recommend Snake Outta Compton for your Halloween night marathon. It’ll wake your guests up and arrive as a welcome relief after a long night of being terrorized by ElePhantom*, LavaRats vs. RoboRaccoons*, and Helk: The Elk from Hell*.

*These movies do not exist, but SyFy if you’re interested – call me!

WNUF HALLOWEEN SPECIAL (2013)

noreply@blogger.com (El Tremendo) — Mon, 22 Oct 2018 07:00:00 +0000

THE CARD:

Paul Fahrenkopf, Aaron Henkin, Nicolette le Faye, Leanna Chamish, Richard Cutting, Brian St. August, Helenmary Ball, Robert Long II, a long look back at a long gone era that refuses to go away, and a trick-or-treat bag full of 80s yucks.

More details here.

WARNING: SPOILERS BELOW

THE ANGLE:

WNUF Channel 28 is hosting a live investigation of a rumored haunted house in which a young Donald Webber murdered his parents in cold blood years ago. The special is announced on the Halloween evening news which is presented with all the professional decorum and journalistic integrity that is local TV news.

"Vell, at least I'm not on Fox!"

Cornball news reporter and jaded skeptic Frank Stewart is on the scene hosting the ghostly goings-on along with a host of looky-loos in costumes who all may very well be high.

"After tonight, I'm going back to doing traffic in Tucson."

Joining Frank are famous paranormal researchers Louis and Claire Berger who will attempt to reach out to the evil spirits that infest the Webber home. They are joined by their psychic cat which prompts Frank to make high brow jokes.

"Tonight, we'll be busting ghosts and stroking pussy, folks."

Earlier in the evening, we learn that a local group of religious kooks want to ban Halloween and are especially angry that WNUF is promoting what they believe is Satanic works. Naturally, they interview the most sane, rational, and calm member of the group.

"GOD HATES CANDY CORN!"

The investigators are joined by a nervous nelly priest, Father Joseph, who claims he can conduct an exorcism to rid the home of the malicious entities. That is, if he can keep his bladder together.

"And now, a reading from the Book of Cystitus."

The terror unfolds in the Webber home as the Bergers' equipment is mysteriously destroyed, their cat is mutilated, and horrific noises are heard from an upstairs room.

"Walk towards the poofy orange mic cover, Carol Ann!"

While things go haywire during the live broadcast, the show's producer frantically tries to maintain order before the true nature of what is tormenting our hosts is revealed. And it's probably more vile and villainous than any spook or specter. But first, here's what's next on WNUF, a mummy stalks New York in search of souls to reap:

I will totally watch this.

THE FINISHER:

Say whatever you will about the 1980s, from over-saturation of the period’s nostalgia in almost every aspect of current pop culture and the infernal member berries it has sprouted that drive every Hollywood franchise today (Predator, Aliens, TNMT, Ghostbusters, etc.), the decade was at least for me a glorious time, especially at Halloween. The WNUF Halloween Special, a found footage/mockumentary local TV satire embodies everything the eerie night meant to someone whose best friend was the boob tube. After a cool night of trick-or-treating, getting spooked by pranksters, chugging Grandma’s hot chocolate, and watching Night of the Living Dead, Halloween, or Devil Dog: The Hound of Hell, I found myself wanting more. And usually all the local TV stations had to offer after the late news was either Benny Hill reruns or some cheeseball B-movie that would knock me out after 15 minutes. How times have changed.

But this crazy movie offers that something more I’d wished for then: a live investigation of a haunted house with a murderous history. And the makers pull it offer wonderfully from the dorky news reporter, to the Warrens-esque psychic couple, to the pee-pee prone priest with frayed nerves, to the countless commercial breaks, to the anti-Halloween Westboro Church-eque religious freaks who dominated the political platform at the time. How times have changed. Among very convincing commercials and news stories from the era, there’s plenty of good natured silliness and laughs but the scares emerge gradually with a particularly gruesome payoff. In fact, the commercials almost steal the show featuring everything from adverts for video stores, arcades, locally manufactured snacks, corny ethnic festivals, strip clubs, rip-off 976 numbers, suicide hotlines, and public service announcements from cops warning trick-or-treaters to watch out for “needles infected with the AIDS virus”. Yeah, those existed. The 80s VHS/UHF look, feel, and composition are so authentic, it's obviously made by someone with aptitude in production of the era and much affection. I can totally recommend WNUF Halloween Special to satisfy your post-10 PM desire for extra Halloween amusement. Really well done, really funny, and really recommended.

UNFRIENDED: DARK WEB (2018)

noreply@blogger.com (El Tremendo) — Sat, 20 Oct 2018 17:49:00 +0000

THE CARD:

Colin Woodell, Stephanie Nogueras, Betty Gabriel, Rebecca Rittenhouse, Andrew Lees, Connor Del Rio, Savira Windyani, more scary hacking than a weekend at Grandma’s, and an IT department headed by IT.

More details here.

WARNING: SPOILERS BELOW

THE ANGLE:

Matias (Woodell) is a broke ass software developer who's having relationship problems with his deaf girlfriend Amaya (Nogueras). He is on the verge of a breakthrough on a product called Papaya which translates voice and sign language into text on a video chat platform. (Actually, not a bad idea). His story unfolds on his newly acquired laptop.

"Logging into my favorite website Tremendo Time...tralala"

He's scheduled to meet with his friends online on Skype. But things soon turn awry when we learn than the laptop he "acquired" may be stolen property, and the owner starts to contact him directly asking for it back.

"Oh shit, he's reviewing another bad 70s horror movie..."

As the owner's messaging grows increasingly menacing, Matias slowly learns he may be in over his head and is in real danger. So naturally, he involves his friends during the online gaming and chat session.

"Another fart joke? Are you fucking kidding me, Tremendo?!!!"

We learn that Matias actually stole the laptop from an internet cafe (really?) and the owner is part of a cabal of evil hackers, online perverts, scumbag torture trolls, and libertarians who destroy lives for their own amusement.

A glimpse of Apple's new Aye-aye-aye-phone.

One by one, the hackers wreak havoc on the Matias and his friends' lives, including Amaya who is unaware she's being stalked. All the friends can do is witness the horror unfold with top-notch fast and uninterrupted internet service. Fart!

"Oh, Tremendo, you had so much potential."

THE FINISHER:

Along with its fellow 2014 release Open Windows, the original Unfriended used the then-fresh concept of telling a story about a killer stalking a group of friends online in real time, each of them subjected to a dangerous game tied into their troubled pasts. Told from the perspective of the main character’s desktop, the movie used social media, internet apps, and online software to not only deliver a relatively satisfying thriller, but also convey themes of trust, friendship, and the decay of social interaction in our current technological age. Simple as it was, it at least tried to even have a message backed by a plot with motive. This next chapter in the Unfriended series affords no such attempt at depth as it’s pure gimmick in which all of the characters are random victims of circumstance with little to no character development. Instead of an Eli Rothian torture chamber, the victims’ gruesome fates unfold live on the latest IO operating system. If this is supposed to be a more modern update of early 2000s torture porn, then for the most part it’s successful. But much like early 2000s torture porn, it’s not for me.

But what does work is how the movie depicts actual things that may and do happen like the vulnerability of home security cameras and other devices, the availability of personal information that can be easily accessed and used against someone also known as “doxing”, the ugly practice of “swatting” in which a false report prompts an aggressive police response, and the frightening tools available to hackers (and others if you spend the time to learn their methods) to destroy someone’s life. Less convincing is the speed and efficiency in which these diabolical tasks are executed, the almost supernatural ways in which the evil hackers’ identities were concealed, the fact that a YouTube conspiracy theorist has friends, and several head-scratching Bill Gates’ wallet-sized leaps in logic. Many story threads with potential are left hanging as nothing is done with Nogueras’ character who is only hearing-impaired for sake of plot convenience. Much like its predecessor, the cast is made up of relative unknowns, except for Gabriel who was terrific in 2017’s stunning Get Out. Woodell as the lovelorn Matias was particularly good at conveying sweaty paranoia as doom unfolds in the wake of his terribly stupid mistake. Unfriended: Dark Web works at picking at all-too real fears of privacy invasion, identity theft, and online terrorism that exist in our world today. Although you may not walk away from the film chilled to the bone, you will definitely clear your browser cache more often. Pervo!

NOCTURNA (1979)

noreply@blogger.com (El Tremendo) — Wed, 17 Oct 2018 07:00:00 +0000

THE CARD:

Nia Bonet, John Carradine, Yvonne De Carlo, Brother Theodore, Anthony Hamilton, lots of sheer polyester, a soundtrack Disco Stu would boogie to, and all the mise-en-scene of a snuff film.

More details here.

WARNING: SPOILERS BELOW

THE ANGLE:

Dracula's granddaughter Nocturna (Bonet) feasts only on the blood of men, making dating even more a hassle than normal. Luckily the voluptuous dark beauty never goes to bed hungry.

"Eye vant to emasculate you!"

She has grown accustomed to a perpetual single life, going from man to man and neck to neck for the past few centuries. One day, she begins to reconsider remaining an immortal vampire when she meets disco bassist Jimmy (Hamilton). This guy:

Dennis Cole looking MFer.

Seeking a way to turn mortal for some baffling reason, she consults with her legendary grandfather, the Lord of the Undead himself Dracula (Carradine), who has definitely seen better days/nights.

Behold: GRAMPIRE!

He's very upset to hear that his granddaughter wants to shack up (coffin up?) with this platinum bass-playing doof. Also quite maddeningly annoyed is Drac's lovelorn Renfield-esque assistant Theodore (Theodore) who has been constantly rejected by her and appears constantly aroused.

"That's some sweet undead hinder!"

Defying her grandfather's wishes, she leaves Transylvania and runs away with Jimmy. But first some nudity.

New: Sleeping God Cthulhu Shampoo Dispenser!

They travel to New York, where Jimmy has some gigs and treats Nocturna to the bright lights and best sights of the city.

"Don't worry, baby, we can stay with my buds Bert and Ernie."

Drac and Theodore follow Nocturna to the city where she has holed up with relative and fellow vampire Jugulia Vein (De Carlo).

Oh Lily...

Meanwhile Nocturna walks around Times Square, meets enlightening New Yorkers worthy of a Travis Bickle garden hosing, and dances like a loon whenever a disco song is played, which apparently is ALL THE TIME.

"Oh Jimmy, you take me to all the finest abandoned warehouses."

But all's well that ends well when Drac confronts Nocturna and is somehow convinced to take a dirty nap with his old squeeze Jugulia and release Nocturna from her bloody curse. Or was she?

"Tee hee, bloodsuckers!"

THE FINISHER:

I may be cheating the #31DaysOfHalloween by including 1979’s Nocturna in this year’s line-up, as it’s anything but a horror movie, a comedy, a horror comedy, or even a goddamn movie. Produced and financed by Nocturna herself, the curvaceous French-Vietnamese actress Nia Bonet, it’s basically a Love at First Bite wannabe, a string of disco videos (there are like more than half-a-dozen disco songs fully played out), and basically a nudie vanity project. Aiming for Vampira or Elvira-level stardom, Bonet is a natural beauty, no doubt, but the poor woman simply could not act, has no charisma, and drools out important lines of narrative discourse like “Hi, I am Dracula’s granddaughter”, “It’s time for church bath”, and “Oh, another fucking disco song, sure why not?” with zero conviction. My copy of the film, which I bought from a bootleg video joint at some horror convention years ago and has since collected dust on my shelf, was extraordinarily out of focus and dimly lit, and would thus not be helpful for that horror completist pervert in your life or that is your life. De Carlo (sadly) and Carradine (badly) both phone in obvious quick paycheck roles though at times they appear completely committed to the cheapo goings-on. But it’s New York performance artist and legendary Late Night with David Letterman guest Brother Theodore who steals the show, imbuing each of his scenes with his patented goofball menace. He’s possibly the sole reason you should seek this out at all. Unless you really really really like disco music.

THE WITCHES (1990)

noreply@blogger.com (El Tremendo) — Tue, 16 Oct 2018 07:00:00 +0000

THE CARD:

Angelica Huston, Mia Zetterling, Jasen Fisher, Rowan Atkinson, Bill Paterson, Brenda Blethyn, Charlie Potter, Jane Horrocks, more nasty witches than a Black Friday sale, Mr. Bean doing Basil Fawlty, and a doity rat that didn’t double-cross Jimmy Cagney. (Sorry, old man reference).

More details here.

WARNING: SPOILERS BELOW

THE ANGLE:

Young boy Lucas (Fisher) loses his parents in a tragic car accident. He's left to be raised by his grandmother Helga (Zetterling) who spins him yarns, legends, and safety tips regarding witches, who we learn still walk the Earth and absolutely hate children. One day, Lucas actually encounters a witch who temps him with Wonka-esque chocolate bars.

I'd hit it.

But Lucas has learned his lessons well and reports the witchy would be kid-snatching to Grandma. After collapsing due to a bout with diabetes, Grandma Helga decides to go on holiday and takes Lucas to a seaside resort. Unfortunately, they arrive during peak Witch Convention Season as the Grand High Witch (Huston), leader of the witches of the world, herself makes a grand entrance.

You bet I'd hit it.

She leads a meeting of her followers who reveal their follicle-challenged true form and whips them into a frenzy over a plan to mass poison kids and turn them into mice.

Hit it, hit it, hit it, um...hit it.

Lucas unfortunately is caught overhearing the coven's dastardly plan and is captured and transformed into a cute talking mouse.

"I hope Mickey or Stuart can put me up for a few weeks."

Lucas Mouse teams up with another transformed kid mouse (Potter) and with the help of Witchfinder Grandma, plot to overturn the witches' evil plans. In the meantime...

Yep, still hit it.

THE FINISHER:

1990’s The Witches slipped by me when first released and it’s only taken 28 years to catch up with it. And I’m glad I did. There’s a whole lot of talent behind the scenes: Jim Henson (his last production before his sudden death), Nicolas Roeg (director of supernatural thriller Don’t Look Now and science fiction mindbender The Man Who Fell to Earth), and writer Roald Dahl (Charlie and the Chocolate Factory). The lovely Huston, scene-chewingly menacing in her villainous role, and the dependable Zetterling, Atkinson, and Horrocks in supporting roles round out a satisfying, though uneven at times, movie. The puppetry work mixed with footage of actual rats may have been ahead of its time, and sadly will probably never be duplicated should the inevitable remake be produced. But it’s the nightmarish tone and intensity of the witches’ infernal congress and the mice transformation scenes that's unforgettable and first time young viewers may have a hard time sitting through. And damn if it isn’t a good stranger danger lesson for the tykes as well. The movie sets up a sequel with more witch-hunting adventures with Lucas and Grandma to come, just like in Dahl’s novel. Hate to say the "R" word, but this would be prime material for a reboot, perhaps as a TV series. I can totally recommend The Witches for your Halloween marathon as a pre-bedtime treat for the little rugrats in you life as well as anyone who loves a gloriously disturbing kids film before you can whip out the good stuff.

HELLGATE (1989)

noreply@blogger.com (El Tremendo) — Mon, 15 Oct 2018 07:00:00 +0000

THE CARD:

Ron “Fucking Horshack” Palillo, Abigail Wolcott, Carel Trichardt, Petrea Curran, Evan J. Klisser, Joanne Ward, Lance Vaughan, the cast of Old Tucson’s Nightfall, a wagon full of bourbon for the writer, a horse cart full of LSD for the director, a trainload full of cocaine for the cast, and a truckload of Xanax for yours truly.

More details here.

WARNING: SPOILERS BELOW

THE ANGLE:

Vacationing teens in a cabin sit around a fireplace, tell spooky stories, and share local urban legends, in particular the tragedy of Josie, a woman who in the 1950s was kidnapped by a motorcycle gang and murdered in the old west town of Hellgate. Stricken with grief, her father Lucas (Trichardt) vows revenge and one day comes across a mysterious crystal found in a mine that possesses the power to reanimate the dead. He experiments with it by bringing his dead turtle back to life.

"Zombie Gamera is a friend to all vengeful Dads!"

He uses the crystal to revive Josie (Wolcott) so she can roam the countryside and hunt down her murderers and any other strangers who dare visit the town for the next three decades.

She also seeks eyeliner.

Meanwhile, Matt (Palillo) is driving through the town looking for the cabin to meet up with girlfriend Pam (Curran), dickhead Chuck (Klisser), and his dimwit girlfriend (Ward). After Matt has a close encounter of the horny kind with Josie along the lonely road, he tells the story to his friends and they decide to investigate further.

The world's oldest teens are on the case.

They meet up with angry mechanic Zonk (Vaughan) who the geriatric Scooby Doo gang learn is a member of the original gang that killed Josie. He's terrified of going up to Hellgate even though thirty years later he's still a juiced up bruiser who for some reason looks like DC Comics' Solomon Grundy.

Still better than anything in Batman v. Superman

Meanwhile, Daddy Lucas looking like an unfinished Terminator is on the prowl and searching for Matt who for some reason is also blamed for Josie's demise. Is it because he's a stranger or because he's Fucking Horshack?

"I'll be back, right after I take my Geritol."

Back at her family home, Josie lies around and for reasons unfathomable fawns for Fucking Horshack.

"I can't help it, non-Scientologist Sweat Hogs are my kink."

As they search through the town trying to uncover the secret of the crystal's power and the mystery of Josie's vengeance, they awaken all sorts of horror:

Rotting extras!

Ghostly pianists!

Awkward director cameos!

But it all boils down to how much courage Fucking Horshack can muster to face down slashy-slashy Lucas, the soul-stealing desires of Josie, and a long depressing look at what went wrong in his career.

THE FINISHER:

People ask me why I watch so many bad movies. My initial answer is because it’s fun to poke fun at bad movies, preferably with like-minded friends over adult beverages and fatty snacks. But the daily grind of the #31DaysOfHalloween does not often afford the social aspect of communal mocking and getting snockered. So most of these days I’m doing this alone, like the terrible movie maven and shut-in I am. And honestly, I don’t always know that a movie I’m going to watch is going to be “bad”, as I don’t do much pre-viewing research. In fact, I’m always naively hopeful that my random choice will result in a hidden gem such as Satan’s Little Helper or Razorback. Sure, there are the obvious signs of a bad movie: little to no reviews available besides the random listicle or movie fan board posting, its unavailability besides a YouTube rip or crazy torrent site, an abysmally low IMDB rating, and the appearance of Ron “Fucking Horshack” Palillo. So it’s no wonder I should have known better than to attempt to sit through the agonizing Hellgate, a movie so brazenly atrocious and aggravating that I may need to sue the producers for counseling expenses.

Where to start? First, this movie like others of its pedigree (low-budget, direct to video, starring no one and featuring nothing) seem to be an amalgam of several other movies, as if the producers decided to piece together previously unfinished films into one and tack on a few scenes with a famous name to market. It’s like “Hey, Fucking Horshack is available for two days, why don’t we pick him up and finish that crap you started last weekend?!”. I don’t know if that’s the case here but there are sequences that are mismatched visually and just plain don’t make any sense in the order they’re presented. It’s incongruously part old west horror film and part teen sex comedy. The acting is so mind-boggling unnatural, even from veteran Fucking Horshack, who was much better in the best Jason movie Jason Lives! and acts as if this is his first acting gig. And then there’s the sex scenes. Holy Mother of All That is Holy, human beings do not behave like this. The sex scenes are so bizarre it’s as if the director was something that had never encountered humans and thought, “Humans can procreate by sitting on each other’s butts.”

Seriously, this exists and cannot be unseen.

Not that it matters but there are a ton of unexplained threads handing from this mush pile of a movie: a burning man crashes his car in the town of Hellgate (who?), the crystal could not only wake the dead but also shoot laser beams (how?), one of kidnapping gang members stays in the town for thirty years after the incident and opens a business minutes away from the site of his crime (why?), Josie has the hots for Fucking Horshack (huh?), and so on and so on. And I don’t understand the compulsion of some horror movie makers both then and now to make every single one of their characters a complete asshole. Is it a substitute for making characters interesting? A lazy shortcut to explain stupid actions to advance the plot? A reflection of the actual movie business? Hellgate ranks as one of the worst movies ever seen here on Tremendo Time, a tremendous dubious honor. But I will recommend it for your Halloween marathon, so long as your sarcastic best friends are around to pull you through it, quip like there’s no tomorrow, and shove down fun-size Snickers to ease the pain.

Aw prairie shit, it’s not that bad. I’ve seen worse. I’m actually glad I made it through this thing. It’s made me stronger, he said wincing, shaking, and looking for a bottle to drown his bad movie memories.

Fucking Horshack. (R.I.P.).

THE NIGHT EATS THE WORLD (2018)

noreply@blogger.com (El Tremendo) — Sun, 14 Oct 2018 07:00:00 +0000

THE CARD:

Anders Danielsen Lie, Golshifteh Farahani, Denis Lavant, a crapload of Franco-hungry zombies, the Omega Man with baguettes, and a beautifully empty and smug-free Paris.

More details here.

WARNING: SPOILERS BELOW

THE ANGLE:

Sam (Lie), fresh from a break-up with his girlfriend Fanny, stops by her place to pick up a leftover item important to him: a box full of cassette tapes. Fanny is having a balls-out party in her Parisian apartment and Sam is equally annoyed at all the noise and having to meet the new boyfriend. So he ducks into a back room, retrieves his tapes, and promptly falls asleep.

Snooze of the Living Dead

When he wakes up in the morning, he finds a bloody mess and evidence that something gruesome and violent happened while he was napping. He soon realizes that he has in fact woken up in the zombie apocalypse.

Oddly enough, they smell better than a living crowd of Frenchies.

Sam quickly learns that he's trapped as there are zombies throughout the building and on the streets. He also realizes that the creatures are sensitive to sounds. Fortifying himself within the apartment, he adjusts to a life alone in the midst of bloody madness. To combat the loneliness, Sam befriends one of the zombies, a neighbor named Alfred (Lavant), whose reanimated corpse is stuck in the elevator.

Le braaaaaiiiiinnnnsss!

Sam, a rock drummer and aspiring composer, passes the days listening to his music and audio recordings from his childhood which were on the vaunted cassette tapes he wanted from Fanny. Although he has a daily regimen and even holds conversations and arguments with Alfred, Sam's sanity is coming apart as the solitude and fear overwhelm him.

Unfortunately, this is was the best turnout Sam's ever had

Fortunately, a living person comes into Sam's life, and just in time too. Sarah (Farahani) is a lone survivor who is unfortunately shot by Sam when she breaks into his apartment. But she recovers and decides to stay with him nonetheless, and the pair grow close and begin to literally make beautiful music together.

The She and Him of the Apocalypse

But an unexpected twist threatens the domestic bliss and despite Sam's assurance that all is well in his home and in his head, he will have to find a way to escape before succumbing to the zombies, complete insanity, and something worse.

THE FINISHER:

As we approach the post-Walking Dead era, which is beginning to emerge as the series has been suffering creatively as well as in the ratings, you’d think the production of undead fare on the big and small screens would start slowing down as well. And you’d also think that there aren’t many creative wells left to dig or innovative avenues to shamble in the zombie apocalypse. For the most part you’d be right, because you are smart person and I love you drearily. I mean it. But along comes something like Dominque Rocher’s The Night Eats the World that takes you by surprise at the imaginative juices still bubbling in the genre’s rotting carcass. Make no mistake, no new ground is broken here, in fact a lot of the film seems a little too familiar and could easily recall 28 Days Later, Shaun of the Dead if it was a drama, or Cast Away only with zombies. The fine-paced execution, the amiable performance of lead Anders Danielsen Lie, the light humor (Sam’s friendship with Zombie Alfred is hilarious), the different take on zombies (they can only hear you and cannot make sound which makes sense), and the non-overbearing gravitas make this zombie effort a standout. Yeah, there are some annoying things that I’m sure every zombie movie expert will nitpick over, but since the story revolves around Sam’s psychological state in this dying world you come to realize that gory action and post-apoc survival tips are not the point of the film. My personal nitpick, however, is why didn’t Sam just check the fucking internet to see what was going on? Or a TV or radio even? He still had power and water for days. For me, as an 80s kid growing up in the shadow of nuclear war, the most terrifying aspects of zombie and other apocalyptic stories is how the end of the world is played out in the media. The chilling TV broadcast in Night of the Living Dead comes to mind. Again, that’s not what the movie’s about. I will recommend The Night Eats the World for your Halloween marathon, just know that the film is not all-out gut-ripping gorefest but a quiet contemplation on alienation and despair in a world that doesn’t distinguish the living from the undead.

DEMON COP (1990)

noreply@blogger.com (El Tremendo) — Sat, 13 Oct 2018 07:00:00 +0000

THE CARD:

Rocco Karega, Theresa Fenneaux, Ray Klein, Duncan Larson, Tony Zotta, Cameron Mitchell, a script (allegedly), law enforcement tips from the pits of Hell, the aesthetic integrity of Grandpa's VHS camera, and a huge headache for your ol’ movie pal El Tremendo.

More details here.

THE ANGLE:

[DEEP BREATH] Buckle up, friends, I'm going to try my best with this.

So a crazy doctor (Mitchell) introduces our tale, mumbles some horseshit about monsters and psychiatry, and smokes a ton of cigs.

WILL CAMEO FOR FOOD

We're then introduced to former Probation Officer and mental patient Edward (Karega). He shares a hotel room with a guy who really needs to do some sit-ups.

Pasty manboobs. What a treat!

And yes, that screenshot above is an actual shot in the film where entire lines of dialogue are taking place for a very, very, very, very long time. Some stuff happens, I think? Then a few minutes later we n meet this guy, who is a "cop".

Introducing Junkyard David Letterman.

For some reason, this guy is sitting on a nearby desk and is being kinda rude:

Author's message?

We learn that before his time in the mental hospital, Edward was shot in a drive-by and while being treated, he received a blood transfusion. Somehow the transfusion's side effects transformed him into a hideous werewolf-style costume-store demon who hunts down gang-bangers and various other armed thugs.

Satan wept.

Meanwhile a guy with a cheesy German accent named Horst (Larson) with the code-name Bloodhound appears and we learn he's an Interpol agent hunting down those afflicted with murderous impulses like Edward. He'd get right to the demon hunting but he's got a delicate tummy.

"Aw geez, I just read page 4 of the script!"

Edward turns to his psychiatrist (?) for help because he feels like he can’t make positive change in the community, you know like any socially-conscious demon-possessed thug-chomping vigilante should.

"Well, at least you're not Tony Soprano."

I couldn't tell you what happens next because I couldn't make heads or tails of it. But eventually some cops finally go after Edward, who's now in full demonic bloody vengeance form.

Graduates of the Mark Furman School of Dramatic Arts

And just like Demon Cop himself, you'll shed a tear when this shitfest is finally over.

"Now I know why that Indian guy cries at garbage."

THE FINISHER:

Those of you following along this merry #31DaysOfHalloween 2018 may remember I mentioned in my The Dwelling post that the past few Halloweens have resulted in starts and stops. And you may also recall a certain movie killed my month-long marathon of horror, on the second day no less, back in 2015. Said movie very nearly killed my enthusiasm for horror movies, movies in general, and maybe solid foods. That movie is 1990’s Demon Cop, a heinous assault on your senses and a colossal exercise in incompetence. It defeated me then, but three years later and I’m back, baby. So I re-watched this thing with the intent of finally conquering its soul-sucking shot-on-VHS out-of-focus ineptitude.

Before I begin, let’s step back a bit. Since I started this site back in 2008, I have witnessed cinematic epics encompassing the likes of shit monsters, aroused giant apes, killer wrestlers, non-tiki torch bearing undead Nazis, man-eating but fuel-efficient hybrids, nummy-nummy brains, sentient anatomy dummies, homicidal dolls, Charlie Sheen, and to quote the great Winston Zeddmore shit that would make you turn white. So when I first came across this title, I was pretty pleased to find a horrific [BLANK]-COP movie I haven’t seen that wasn’t Maniac, Psycho, or Kindergarten. But nothing could have prepared me for the brain melt that is Demon Cop, a piecemeal “movie” that seems to be comprised of four other movies: an amateurish police procedural; an angry African-American-social-justice themed student film, a shot-on-home-video conspiracy thriller, and lastly, the filmmaker’s career suicide note.

I have to be honest with you, even after a second viewing I still don’t know what the fuck is going on. This is pretty much all I gathered: the demon’s thirst for vengeance is transferred by blood, as we discover in lengthy narrated exposition which clumsily and lazily attempts an AIDS subtext. Bad movie maestro Fred Olen Ray apparently got his mitts on this film at some point, tried to make sense of it for a quick and dirty DTV release, and tacked on the Tales from the Crypt style bookends featuring the Mitchell character. Holes in the plot, if it indeed a plot exists, are smoothed over by introducing new characters whose sole purpose is to explain how everything ties together but only adds additional fatty layers of nonsense. The movie is a Hallmark Store of flubbed lines. I suspect the director never once said “Cut! OK, let’s do that again.” Characters exchange dialogue with their backs to the camera in obviously dubbed scenes. But you know what? They even flub the lines in the FUCKING DUBBING. Also, the demon is no cop. He’s a former Probation Officer who got carted off to the funny farm. There is no infernal policing at all. This may be the first movie made from found footage, as in someone found some random film floating on the crapper. Guys, this thing is bad.

But you didn’t defeat me, oh mighty Demon Cop. You renewed my vigor for more bad movie mayhem! You make me hunger for the next brutal piece of shit that forces me to question what I’m doing with my life! You did not kill the #31DaysOfHalloween! But goddamn it, you sure did put a dent in it.

INVASION ON CHESTNUT RIDGE (2017)

noreply@blogger.com (El Tremendo) — Fri, 12 Oct 2018 07:00:00 +0000

THE CARD:

Flying saucers, lumbering bucolic beasts, bug-eyed space people, screeching pterodactyls, glowing floating ovaries, and more hillbilly delusion than a GOP election campaign.

More details here.

WARNING: SPOILERS BELOW

THE ANGLE:

Some weird ass shit is going on in Chestnut Ridge, a hotbed of paranormal and strange creature sightings in southwestern Pennsylvania. If you’ve heard of the Kecksburg UFO Incident, the notorious 1965 encounter involving a crashing fireball, alien visitation, and government cover-up which eclipses the peculiarity of Roswell, then you only know part of the odd goings-on here.

I want to believe this isn't a dog dish.

This particular region has been also plagued with reports of Bigfoot, werewolves, giant birds (aka thunderbirds), and various other-worldly beings and creatures for decades.

This bodacious Bigfoot appears so, um, friendly.

Interviewed here are trustworthy historians and investigators such as cryptid expert Eric Altman, a well-known researcher who I know from his excellent contributions to the long-running Darkness Radio podcast as well as his own paranormal and cryptid news website. Also presented are local eyewitnesses to the weirdness including this guy:

"Don't believe me? Yeah, well, you know, that's just like, uh, your opinion, man."

The documentary outlines the events of the Kecksburg and the odd sightings of creatures that were widely reported across the area. Among these weird appearance were otherworldly ape-men with glowing eyes.

"Take me to your Charlton Heston, Earth man!"

Floating, glowing, sexually suggestive objects traversing through the forest.

David Bowman incubation in progress.

Rodan-esque thunderbirds soaring across the sky.

"Bawk! Which way to Pittsburgh? BAWWWK!"

Many theories are presented on just why Chestnut Ridge is such a magnet for bizarre phenomena, but few shed any light on the matter and it's just as well because maybe there's things in this world that are better left unsolved and left to the imagination.

THE FINISHER:

I grew up in the Southeastern corner of Arizona and as a kid, I was convinced that my homestead of Cochise County comprised a paranormal geographic rectangle where UFOs, ghosts, demons, nocturnal creatures, and other elusive mysteries found a place to frolic and terrorize. I had heard all the stories: roadside phantoms thumbing a ride along Interstate 10 on the dusty plains of Willcox in the north; something fanged, hungry, and unnatural roaming the sagebrush desolateness of Benson in the east; strange lights in the skies above the wooded hills along the New Mexico state line to the west; and the sorrowful spirit of a murderous mother forever searching for her lost children along the Mexican border to the south. Those stories were told to me by a variety of folks from school teachers to spooky aunts to staggering Coors Light-chugging neighbors. And I ate these scary tales up, man. I swear most of my childhood was like Stranger Things only with chanklas. But very much like Stranger Things, it all turned out to be mostly fiction. Yet today I am still drawn to these stories which now manifest themselves on paranormal reality TV shows and documentaries like Invasion on Chestnut Ridge.

Whatever the hell is going on in this part of Pennsylvania appears to be anything but fiction. Director Seth Breedlove is a prolific documentary filmmaker of paranormal/cryptid subjects. His Smalltown Monsters production company has released titles on the Mothman, Boggy Creek Monster, and other various mythical critters. Although the subject matter is fascinating and the eyewitness and expert testimony believable and credible, the overall presentation of the film is rather bland. The narration is dryly delivered and visual evidence is sparse and questionable. But the story of what happened in Kecksburg that winter evening in 1965 and the creepy things such as the red-eyed werewolf creatures and the giant birds that may have been side effects of this eerie encounter with something otherworldly, will keep interested viewers riveted. And maybe that’s enough. I can’t recommend the film for your Halloween marathon as its slow pace may drag down your spooky night groove. But those of you who also grew up in a creepy burg or haunted desert wasteland should definitely check this one out.

THE MUTILATOR (1978/1984)

noreply@blogger.com (El Tremendo) — Thu, 11 Oct 2018 07:00:00 +0000

THE CARD:

Matt “So Not Hitler” Mitler, Ruth “Maybe Mexican?” Martinez, Bill “So Not Alfred” Hitchcock, Connie “So Not Jolly” Rogers, Frances “So Not Underwear” Haines, Morey “I Got Nothin’” Lampley, Jack “Hacked ‘Em” Chatham, one Pissed-Off Psycho Papa, an Awkward Matricide, and A Doofus Whose Death Even Atheists Will Pray For.

More details here.

WARNING: SPOILERS BELOW

THE ANGLE:

Young boy Ed Jr. (Mitler) is excited about his father's birthday so as a gift, he cleans each of Dad's gun from his extensive collection. While messing around with one of the rifles, Ed Jr. accidentally fires and kills his mother who's in the next room. When Big Ed comes home, he does as anyone would do in this mournful moment and pours himself a drink over his spouse's corpse.

"One for me, one for my dead wifey."

Clearly upset at Ed Jr.'s exercise of his Second Amendment's right, Big Ed chases him out of the house and grounds him for a week (probably). Flash forward to teenage Ed, now a college student who along with his bored friends decides to go to Ed's estranged father's beach house for a week of horny hi-jinks. Meanwhile, Ed Jr. is still tormented by memories of his tragic past that manifest as nightmares.

They really ought to bring back medieval ax punishments back in schools.

Along the way to the beach house, they deal with a jalopy car, booze it up down the Gulf Coast highway, and put up with wisecracks from their asshole friend Ralph. This fucking guy:

A young Justice Kavanaugh negotiates a 10% beer discount.

They find the beach house abandoned and in disarray as Big Ed has left behind some disturbing mementos for the kids to ogle, but they decide to make the most of it anyway. But the fun soon grinds to a halt when members of the group go missing. (Drinking game hint: take a gulp every time someone mentions the whereabouts of "Mike and Linda". You will need a kidney transplant.) And we learn that Big Ed may not have abandoned the house after all.

No one's hopping on this Pop.

And so one by one, folks go ... um ... mutilated!

"Aye aye aye, mucho mutilate-oh!"

No one is safe from Big Ed, not even the cops. And the final showdown between kid-killer Big Ed and Mommy-killer Ed. Jr. is set.

Well, he's The Mutilator, not The Puppy Kisser.

THE FINISHER:

The Mutilator is somewhat of a head-scratcher. It’s got an identity problem. Not because of the plot or anything – far from it. The streaming version I watched has the title “Fall Break” displayed in its opening credit sequence. That was the original title that was changed for the U.S. release probably because it sounds like a teen comedy, which it could have been mistaken for if you’d skipped the opening sequence and watched the first half-hour. So why would a new digital transfer of it, on Amazon Prime no less, still display the original title? Also, Amazon dates this movie as 1978, but IMDB lists it as 1984. But based on the clothes, hair, cars, and general saltine cracker plainness of the cast this thing screams late 70s. Another giveaway of its 70s signature is that one of the characters refers to a video arcade game as a “video machine”. Huh? I may be getting on in years but I’m pretty sure that we were calling them video games by 1984. I do however seem to remember this movie being perpetually on the horror shelve at the video store back in the day with its fantastic poster on the cover. I’m also sure if I did just a smidge more research I’d find the answer, but damn it, it’s #31DaysOfHalloween and I’s gots moobies to wartch!

Regardless, The Mutilator screams pure slasher movie goodness. Not because it’s good, but because it’s classically symptomatic of the genre: goofball horny teens, a creepy location far from civilization or help, a ruthless maniac, a catchy pop tune over the credits that sounds like a K-Mart version of Hall & Oates, and more limp jokes than my last prostate exam. The son-killing-Mom aspect sets an off-putting tone in the opening sequence and is so weirdly and awkwardly presented that I was sure it would have created some unique tension or psychological effect on the Ed Jr. character. But it doesn’t. As an adult, Ed Jr. is just another lay-about horndog who sees helping his widower Dad/teen stabber as an annoyance. Besides an explanation that the Dad became a worldly hunter after the death of his wife, we see little to no motive behind his massacre or his ability to chop cops legs off after being dissected by a sedan. (Spoiler). The movie does get particularly nasty towards the end, another hallmark of horror films where they leave the monster reveal and the bloody good stuff until we’re close to the final curtain, and hints at a Final Girl showdown that fails to materialize. The effects are pretty decent and ahead of their time, that is if this thing was indeed shot in ’78. I will recommend The Mutilator for your Halloween marathon for the bloody, choppy, gory final sequence and for bringing back memories of the hometown video store: the smells of buttery popcorn and Jolly Ranchers, the rows upon rows of gnarly VHS treasures, and that giant fish hook jabbed in your gullet.

EXTRAORDINARY TALES (2013)

noreply@blogger.com (El Tremendo) — Wed, 10 Oct 2018 07:30:00 +0000

THE CARD:

Christopher Lee, Bela Lugosi, Julian Sands, Guillermo Del Toro, Roger Corman, Stephen Hughes, Cornelia Funke, a somber red rose, a cask of amontillado, and a literary legend.

More details here.

THE ANGLE:

An animated telling of four classic stories by Edgar Allan Poe, each told in a different artistic style.

FALL OF THE HOUSE OF USHER

THE TELL-TALE HEART

THE FACTS IN THE CASE OF M. VALDEMAR

THE PIT AND THE PENDULUM

THE MASQUE OF THE RED DEATH

THE FINISHER:

Nothing feels more Halloweeny than Charlie Brown and his trick-or-treat bag of rocks, Garfield and Odie fucking with everyone’s patience, Boris and the Mummy jigging in stop-motion, and a merry ol’ viewing of A Serbian Film. Classic holiday fare! But watching Homer Simpson quoting and quathing “The Raven” is an especially anticipated annual Halloween tradition. And is there anything more appropriate for this spooky time of year than the works of Edgar Allan Poe? So it’s no wonder that I loved Extraordinary Tales, a gloomy, gossamer, and gruesome tribute to Poe. Featuring four of his most famous stories exquisitely animated in different styles, some patterned after noted artists, the film is an affectionate love letter to Poe and his works. Though definitely intended for adults kids may be inspired to pursue reading more Poe as the film serves as a good introduction to his eerie world, depending on their scary-tolerance and attention levels.

The first segment, “Fall of the House of Usher”, is narrated by Christopher “He Could Read My Grocery List And I’d Shit My Pants” Lee and presented in a appropriately dreary palette and papercraft style animation that reflects the melancholy mood of Poe’s original story. “The Tell-Tale Heart”, shot in black and white Sin City-esque style, is narrated from an old recording by Bela Lugosi that is of such poor quality that it actually fits the creepiness of the tale, recalling the golden age of radio where such spooky shows like The Shadow and Inner Sanctum were all the rage. “The Facts in the Case of M. Valdemar” is like an EC Comic come to life, filled with the lurid colors and ghastly terror of the classic comics. “The Pit and the Pendulum”, narrated with full-on horror nerd passion by Guillermo Del Toro, is a classical Spanish painting come to life. The fourth segment, “The Masque of the Red Death” is told without dialogue sumptuously relating the essential elements of Poe stories with music and imagery alone. And finally, the interstitial sequences which tie the film together is an imaginary conversation between the soul of Poe, taking the form of a raven no less, and Death herself. It is as equally wonderful as the segments it binds, while shedding some philosophical light on Poe’s legacy.

I’m certainly not comparing the film to ubiquitous holiday TV specials, but Extraordinary Tales could easily fit in the middle of a classic animated special and the latest Tim Burton claptrap and is thus strongly recommended for your Halloween time viewing, pleasing everyone from that goth kid in your life, to your snooty literary friends, to anyone who enjoys a dark tale, a whisper in the night, and an expectant black bird perched on the pallid bust of Pallas.

FLIGHT 666 (2018)

noreply@blogger.com (El Tremendo) — Tue, 09 Oct 2018 07:30:00 +0000

THE CARD:

Liz Fenning, Jose Rosete, Joseph M. Harris, Greg Furman, Clariss Thibeaux, Shamar Phillipe, Jesse James D’Angelo, Renee Willet, Justin Hoffmeister, Paul Logan, and lots of motherfucking ghosts on a motherfucking plane.

More details here.

WARNING: SPOILERS BELOW

THE ANGLE:

A flight departs Los Angeles bound for New York and we are introduced to the passengers and crew including newlywed couple Brandon and Dani (Phillipe and Thibeaux), tired but seasoned flight attendant Alice (Fenning), lazy and drinky flight attendant Liam (D'Angelo), Sky Marshal Thaddeus (Rosete), veteran pilot Jack (Harris), newbie co-pilot Ryan (Furman), nervous and suspicious loner Mr. Peck (Hoffmeister), and Army soldier on his way home Austin (Logan). The flight hits violent turbulence as they move through an unusually active electrical storm half-way through the voyage.

Please, Lord, don't let Ray Liotta show up!

After the plane stabilizes, passengers begin to see visions of ghostly female figures throughout the plane, including the bathroom.

"Leeeeave the seat down, assshollle!"

And all the food becomes infested with worms, causing passengers to puke.

Still better than United.

And the ghosts start invading phones and tablets with creepy voices and leaving spooky messages on the windows.

At least they're a better speller than Danny Torrance.

Captain Jack is skeptical of the crew's reports and Ryan and the rest of the crew insist they land, but the storm prevents them from doing so. The paranormal activity intensifies and and passengers witness the ghosts throughout the plane.

Please be careful as items in the overhead bins may have become undead during the flight.

Once all the passengers and crew believe the stories of ghosts on the plane, they collectively begin to piece together who or what the ghosts want in a mile-high spectral whodunit. Once they discover the secret of the ghosts' demands, perhaps the spirits will be at rest. Perhaps.

Don't mess with anyone sitting in Worst Class.

THE FINISHER:

Released by the notorious company The Asylum, which is known for such copycat mockbusters such as Transmorphers and Day the Earth Stopped as well as proudly terrible fare Zoombies and A Haunting in Salem, Flight 666 is a shockingly well-done and engaging ghost thriller. Seriously, this one caught me by surprise as I anticipated a shitstorm, which is possibly another title in the works by The Asylum. This is likely the most well-written of Asylum films I’ve seen whose typical script quality ranges from passable to hack jobs to deranged Crayon scribbles of a mental patient. Big budget or not, almost every movie set on a plane tends to get the flight jargon wrong or delivered unconvincingly. But the writers did their research and the technical talk by the pilots is written and delivered believably. That might be a small nitpick, but touches like this help to elevate the tension.

A solid storyline is supported by fine performances from almost everyone involved but mostly from Thibeaux, Harris, Fenning, and Rosete. Their natural abilities keep the viewer involved as well as on edge. Harris is particularly chilling and believable as Captain Jack who dismisses the claims of ghosts aboard even as he too sees eerie figures circling the plane. Competently directed by Asylum veteran Rob Pallatina (Alien Predator), the film does so much with so little: a stage built airliner (with the widest aisles in existence, but hey you gotta shoot a movie), decent plane CGI, and creepy ghost effects. Include this one along with The Ghost of Flight 401, Turbulence, Flight of the Living Dead, and what the hell Snakes on a Plane in your Halloween marathon of ... ahem… scare-liner stories.

THE DWELLING (1993)

noreply@blogger.com (El Tremendo) — Mon, 08 Oct 2018 07:30:00 +0000

THE CARD:

Burt Ward, Michelle Bauer, Donny Valenti, Bruce Carson, Satanic boobies, and $375 LA rent (uuuggghhh).

More details here.

WARNING: SPOILERS BELOW

THE ANGLE:

Aspiring writer and farm boy Andy (Valenti) leaves his dusty hometown and heads for college in Los Angeles. When he arrives, he finds his apartment taken, his neighborhood a crime-riddled cesspool, and everyone a total shitbag. What a mistake he's made.

Seconds away from a Gob Bluth-esque realization.

Luckily, he finds an apartment he can afford which is managed by complete asshole Crasmire (Ward). His neighbor is sultry but friendly aspiring actress Pam (Bauer) who isn't shy about her attraction to him.

Wish my neighbors were this friendly.

Andy is kept up at night by weird sounds in the apartment upstairs and complains to Crasmire who claims no one has been in that apartment for months. We then see him going about his business like buying books for school, trying to get a job, losing his wallet, flirting with Pam, and feeding chips to cockroaches. Ah, cinema!

Just like in the movie, here's some half-naked chicks for no reason.

Inevitably Andy discovers that Satanic rituals, led by dickhead Crasmire, are being conducted in the apartment.

Holy Black Magic, old chum!

Pam is kidnapped by Crasmire's cult who ritually transform her into a busty Freddy Krueger of sorts.

"Peek-a-boooobies!"

But Andy is able to muster up some farm boy gumption and takes on Crasmire's minions and saves the soul of his hot-to-trot neighbor.

Or maybe he's made another huge mistake.

THE FINISHER:

When I first started this blog in 2008, the goal was to watch a few movies a week and post my thoughts like every other dingus with a blog and $10 to buy a domain name. But I always wanted to reserve October for something special: watching 31 random horror movies and posting a daily review of each and every one of them, hence the #31DaysOfHalloween challenge. Some years have been more productive than others, but recently my attempt at this challenge has resulted in a piss poor burnout. In 2015, for example, I turned out one post. Reasons include said burnout, work and personal life commitments, and a laundry list of other Halloweeny things to do. But another reason is that every year a movie comes along that attempts to kill my enthusiasm to continue doing this and ask for my $10 back. In 2015, it was an excruciating piece of shit called Demon Cop, a “film” so indescribably terrible that it may be considered avant-garde. There was so much to write about it, but my hands and my head were crippled with head-shaking confusion and disgust. This year’s Demon Cop may very well be The Dwelling.

A super-low budget production with Poverty Row level acting and all the cinematic spectacle of a fat kid’s 80s birthday party, The Dwelling looks like it was shot at s murder scene in a Spirit Halloween store and features the dramatic range of a raccoon turd. B-movie splatter queen Bauer and former Batman star Ward are the only ones who appear to be committed to squeezing this one out. Lead Valenti is affable and sympathetic but dull as the devil’s dung. The gore is sparse as Ward is electrocuted which results in pizza sauce smeared all over his face and Bauer and her other voluptuous horror pals aren’t shy about providing gratuitous nudity. Over an hour of the movie is devoted to Andy farting around LA, discovering it’s not a cheap town (the only real thing about this movie), and encountering a series of his fellow citizens all of whom are inexplicably hostile and complete dicks (also the real). The Satan stuff is barely explained beyond having a few extras in reaper hoods and drawing some devil shit on the walls. So I can safely say that The Dwelling has failed to kill my #31DaysOfHalloween because, um, I just wrote a few sentences about it. However, I will recommend it for your Halloween Marathon, as the last half hour is a treasure trove of stuff to mock so long as you set aside some time to think long and hard about your life beforehand.