Tremendous Upside Potential

Things to Read: 11/20

2009-11-20T20:00:44Z

Send submissions to rickhouse@blogsbyfans.com. And don't forget about Dubs' column.

I really can't get enough of this story.

Fanhouse: Ziller ranks the MVP candidates. Noah at 15!

Deadspin: MARIOTTI MELTDOWN.

Deadspin: Sportswriters' hilarious and unique jokes about bloggers.

MOUTHPIECE: Mark Buehrle on "American Chopper".

And a music video. After the jump...

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Dubs Dread: The Jealous Fan

2009-11-20T17:48:12Z

BY DUBS

As a soon-to-be 25-year-old ~~virgin~~, hopelessly lost, single-white-male, I find myself phrasing everything in question form. Is this the right career path? (What career) Will moving back to my parents place really be that bad if I only do it for a few months? (Yes) Are condoms really that necessary? (Probably) Should I start dating like a normal human being or just get absolutely schmammered every weekend and hope something falls into my lap? (Schmammered)

I am not sure of anything anymore. That is why I recently turned to my favorite, non-Hemmingway penned, book Twenty Something by Iain Hollingshead-- to help me resolve these questions. It is about a guy, Jack Lancaster, who is pretty much me: a broken, self-loathing, recently-single, lost mess (except he is exceedingly wealthy. So fuck me, right?). When I was reading it I came across this:

"It's a curious powerful emotion, jealousy. I just can't put my finger on the aspect that bothers me the most. Is it the pure physical act? Am I worried that he was better than me? Is he bigger? Did he last longer?

Or is it the emotional theft that it was Valentine's Day and he was going through the emotions of making love to a former love of my life?"

And it got me thinking. Does this intense and focused type of jealousy apply to only women or other things as well? I muddled the words a bit to see if it applied to sports. I saw the first set of questions differently: Is it the pure physical act of winning? Why are they better than us every year? Do they have a higher payroll? Do they have more tradition/fans/media coverage? Next I changed "Valentine's Day" to "World Series" and "making love" to "winning" in the second paragraph. Then I thought about the Yankees.

It sure fucking does.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

In our case, as sports fans, we are not jealous of a former-lover, but of other fans' teams' success. We see organizations like the Yankees and the relationship they have with their fans and vice-versa. It looks great. It looks like true love. And you want that. You want to say, "we won." "Everybody knows us." "We are important too." You want their money, their media coverage, their pin-stripes. But you would never admit that. "They buy rings." "Their fans are obnoxious assholes." But it sure would be nice to to have their money and to be that obnoxious asshole. Just once. And you know it.

All of us are envious of something. Cubs fans are jealous of anyone who wins the World Series. For White Sox fans, it is the coverage the Cubs get. As Bears fans, it is usually a coach or type of system--just look how we blame Lovie's cover-2 or Turner's pussy calling. "Only if we had a spread passing attack. We wouldn't lose!!!" And that envy makes us hate the one's that have it. It's funny. The thing we want the most, is what makes us hate the people that do. Forever, it was a quarterback. "Fuck Favre. Fuck Packers." But that has changed a bit since Cutler has arrived. We have mellowed a bit in our hate. We are less jealous. That is until last Thursday.

Ugh.

But this doesn't only apply to other teams and their fan bases, but to our own as well. Jealousy is also why we hate "bandwagon fans":

"I know it's stupid and irrational, but the concept of Lucy and my best mate going out together seems to make a mockery of our own three-year relationship.

...

Did they lie around and chat afterwards? Was there pillow talk?... Did they share all our private little jokes together? Did she tell him our pet name for my penis? And how could she sleep with a ginger?"

Bandwagoners never took the time to pillow talk, find inside jokes and pet names. They went straight from nothing to fucking. They never had to hold her hair back when she threw up a 3-1 series lead in the NL Championship Series or hold her as she sold off her stars to start from scratch, relying on high school kids to lead the way or endure over 20 acts of infidelity (quarterbacks) since her previous boyfriend (Jim McMahon). It makes your time together--as team and fan--seem cheap. In the end, part of you hates her, your team, for letting it happen. But, deep down, you know there is nobody else to blame but yourself. You chose this path. And it hurts:

"That's the problem with being the dumper as opposed to the dumpee. You get all the pain of the loss and none of the empathy. It's all your fault."

]]> ***

Other things:

***

Cutler's mic'd up video. Awesome. Sad. But awesome.

Highlights:

- Discussing Michael Crabtree's cleats with Hanie.

- Cutler calling tails and Kreutz saying, "tails again?" Game was over before it began, apparently.

- His general chillness.

- "Matt [as in Forte], just keep running the ball." Which on its own is just laughable. However, it also begs another question. Is it bad/racist/douche-y that I find it weird his teammates call him "Matt". He just seems like a dude you would call "Forte" or "Shifty" or "Double Deuce" or something badass. Not Matt. That just seems wrong.

- "Plenty of time. I'm fine. I'm fine. Go back to work. Just give me the rock. Go back to work."

- I assume they cut out a lot of swearing from this video and dubbed over the broadcasters, because there is no way any human being doesn't blow some sort of gasket after throwing 90 picks in a game. Impossible.

*
Notre Dame. Meh.

*
Go get high. Like right now.... You high yet? Good. Now watch this video.

I know, right?

*

Oh, alma mater, how I love thee:

I got pwned in the comments section at Deadspin for this:

I am shocked he didn't bench the guy for a blacker reporter.

/Went to Miami (OH)
//Charlie hates the whites

I explained that I had white friends who quit because they felt Charlie Coles treated them differently than the black players. (On a side note, my intramural squad was sick. Three time champs, bitch). They still said I was crazy. Well, that was there. This is here. So fuck 'em. CHARLIE COLES IS A FUCKING RACIST AND HATES WHITE PEOPLE. There. I did it.

Now have a good weekend.

The Hybrid: The Game, Or, The Location Of My Soul

2009-11-19T16:27:26Z

Ohio State has defeated Michigan five times in a row. I'm sure of this, I just looked it up. Part of me was surprised because I thought it had actually been decades.

In all seriousness, I thought it was actually about seven times in a row. But five's still bad.

Earlier this week, ESPN's Adam Rittenberg outlined various Big Ten coaches' records against perceived rivals. Jim Tressel's looked like this -- vs. Illinois: 5-2 / vs. Penn State: 6-3 / vs. Michigan: 7-1.

Seven-and-one. Better than every other rival. And Michigan used to be good. Say what you want about Tressel being conservative, wearing sweater vests, and wasting Terrelle Pryor's talents, but 7-1 in The Game is 7-1 in The Game.

If you ever find yourself in the worst state in the world, probably somewhere near the Columbus area, head over to Tressel's mansion. Come in through the front door, walk past the foyer, and probably through a hallway or two until you find his study/chamber area. There, you'll find an old wooden chest, probably in a corner. There are two locks on the outside of it. Inside is my soul.

The flower and phone are just a distraction!

Not just mine, either. Lloyd Carr, Mike Hart, Chad Henne... all the rest. We're all there.

Fighting for dear life to keep his soul out of Tressel's death chest is one Rich Rodriguez. I'm terrified it's a futile battle, but all I can do is stay optimistic. And as they say, when there's nothing left to believe in, believe in hope.

Carr was 6-7 against Ohio State. RichRod is 0-1. It's funny, you can actually work with 0-1. RichRod has been under so much fire at this job, you think he'd of been there for at least a decade. With all the bullshit that flies around him, I'm sure it probably feels that way to him sometimes.

Out of all the dumb, smug, stupid, pointless crap that Michigan does when it comes to its coaches, one is the concept of being a "Michigan Man." This concept is brought up all of the freaking time. And I can't imagine it still goes on anywhere else. In the craziest place in the world (SEC country), they don't do this. They used to prefer to have "one of their own" coaching, but people like Urban Meyer (among many others) proved transplants can be just as successful as homegrown talent. This is why you don't hear about a Florida Man, or a Georgia Man, or... an Alabama Man.

This clip in German was the best I could do, though it's probably
just confusing and punctuates the reference less than no video at all would've

"Michigan Man." You have to know the traditions, the rules, the way things are supposed to be.

It's just so god damned absurd. Seriously, re-read that in a southern accent. Because that's the logic we're operating with here.

You have to know the traditions, the rules, the way thangs are sposta to beeee!

Only we're not operating with Southern logic because they don't even do that.

I bring up "Michigan Man" because one of the primary components of being a Michigan Man is understanding the significance of the Michigan-Ohio State rivalry. Yes, the thing that any casual college football fan could acknowledge is important. It's like the boosters and more ignorant fans want to sit RichRod down and say: "No, no, don't say The Game's important, say it's really important. There's a difference, ya see?" Re-read that with a southern accent.

RichRod probably hates everyone.

This article was great.

"Just because I did not coach here before, I did not play here before, I'm not from the state of Michigan, doesn't mean I don't understand the rivalry." Rodriguez said. "Trust me, I understand the importance of the rivalry. I get it."

Translation: I realize it's important you stupid morons! Leave me the hell alone!

But he ain't done (emphasis mine).

"I'm going to give you a news flash here," Rodriguez said. "I'm going to coach as hard as I can in every game I play, whether I'm playing Delaware State or Ohio State. Ohio State is a whole lot more important to a lot more folks and I understand that... if you know anything about college football, you understand this rivalry. It's the best one in sports. I'm thrilled to be a part of it."

The saddest thing about the above quote is how many insane Michigan people it probably offended. No, Rich! Noooo! Coach harder against Ohio State. Harder!

People are crazy if they think even that aspect of the quote is true. If RichRod hasn't saved a few wrinkles in the playbook specifically for this game, then punch me in the face.

I think my favorite part about that article is there's a picture of Michigan WR Roy Roundtree. The caption?

Michigan receiver Roy Roundtree is a native of Ohio but says he never liked the Buckeyes.

There's an implication here: that if he did like the Buckeyes, he probably should be kicked off the team. These people are insane.

Rodriguez said when he was first introduced as Michigan's had coach someone shook his hand and stuffed something into his jacket pocket. It was a button with the words, "Beat Ohio State." Rodriguez said that button still sits on his desk at Schembechler Hall.

This is RichRod's go to anecdote about why the rivalry is important personally to him, and what it tries to illustrate is that a) he knows, and b) he's known from Day 1. Somewhere there should be a c) that says "leave me the hell alone!"

I think it's all starting to grate on him, though. Peep this recent quote (emphasis, again, mine):

"It eats at your soul because I don't coach football, I live it," Rodriguez said. "My family lives it, every one of our staff's family lives it as well. ... If you love it that much and you put so much into it, you don't have success, it certainly eats at you.

"I'm not used to this. My staff is not used to it. So it just gnaws you to the bone."

Now... I recognize sports operate on the basis of hyperbole and extremes, so if you want to write off this quote, it's understandable. But I've read enough of his presser stuff to notice this one stand out. "Eats at your soul." Oh man.

And it's only Year Two.

Tressel's coming for your soul, RichRod. Don't let it get chest'd.

* * *

As a Michigan fan, one of the most frustrating aspects of losing these five-straight games is seeing all these other teams roll Ohio State. I'm not just talking about ESS EEE SEE teams. I'm talking about stupid, fake, crappy teams like Penn State and Purdue. Seriously, those teams blow. But I guess not as hard as Michigan.

I've had a lot of really weird ideas when it comes to watching the game this year. Part of me thought about watching it naked. Like some sort of weird baptism-y thing. Part of me wanted to put on layers and layers of clothes and just curl up in the fetal position until I started sweating out the demons of Tressel and The Game. This game reduces me to this.

Seriously, I tear up during the pre-game intros every time.

If you're upset and terrified at the previous paragraph, remember, I'm not the most insane. The Ohio State students pee all over each other (it's true, it's science).

It's crazy. Chad Henne couldn't beat Ohio State, not once. When I see him play for the Dolphins, it's something I still think about. I suppose it is part of his legacy. He seriously might as well have an 0-4 tattoo on his face, that's how much I can't shake it. Knowing his personality, he probably doesn't care at all. Well, that's unfair. I'll go with: he's probably over it.

But I'm not. And I won't be until they win. Just win. Just win once. It seems so impossible.

There is a silver lining. Around the third or fourth loss, I conceded the -- already very obvious -- fact that Ohio State was simply better. Rivalry? Ha. One-sided dominance.

Basically, this means that whenever Michigan wins this game again, it's going to be great. Five? 15? 50 games in a row? You run your streak, OSU. Keep going. Do your thing. Because at some point, it's going to be end. And it's going to be glorious. When the clock hits zero of that fortuitous game, it's going to be the most glorious thing in the world at the very moment it occurs. And I can't wait.

(It likely will not happen this year.... Damn.)

THE HYBRID

Quick, Selective Hits On The BCS Standings
(unbeaten teams noted)

1) Florida (10-0) -- This Tebow Fake Girlfriend Scandal had even better aspects than the Brandon Spikes Scandal from earlier this year. If you don't feel like reading, I'll outline.

Part 1: In the last three-ish years, googling "tebow girlfriend" netted you this picture.

Part 2: Horndog male college football fans all thought the same thing, "Oh man, she is stacked, Tebow's the man!" or "Oh man, she is stacked, Tebow's such a bastard!"

Part 3: This girl's bares a slight resemblance to British pin up model Lucy Pinder. This causes people to compare and contrast, and at some point, Tebow and/or Pinder both went on record to refute the claim.

The real Lucy Pinder. And the other result of a "tebow girlfriend" search.

Step 4: The actual girl from the picture parlays the fame of the picture into actual pin up modeling... where she poses in a Tim Tebow body paint jersey for Playboy magazine (via SPORTSbyBrooks, NSFW). This is particularly ironic because Tebow took his name out of the running for the Playboy All-American team because of his religious beliefs.

Step 5: Maybe not the most sizzling part, but by far the most ironic part: "For the record, the girl, Erin Drewes is not Tebow's girlfriend, never was and insists the original photo was photoshopped. Reality never lives up to the legend."

Conclusion: She never dated Tebow, possibly never even met Tebow, was confused for a pin up model, became a pin up model, and was (heavily likely) disapproved by Tebow every step of the way.

Only Tebow, man.

2) Alabama (10-0) - ALA-BAMA MAAAAAAN!

3) Texas (10-0)

4) TCU (10-0) - They really, really, really, really, really deserve to be in the national title conversation. Such a shame.

5) Cincinnati (10-0) - Brian Kelly is not Urban Meyer... yet.

6) Boise State (10-0)

7) Georgia Tech - What a game last week after I pimped them. This casual like is turning into casual love. And isn't casual love the best of all loves?

8) LSU - Still carrying USC's torch.

9) Pittsburgh - Pitt in the Top 10! Just in time to give Cinci a credible win.

10) Ohio State - Don't look into the eyes!

11) Oregon
12) Oklahoma State

13) Iowa - It was pointed out a win over Minnesota this week could still send Iowa to a BCS bowl. This seems unfathomable as I could have sworn Iowa's lost it's last eight or nine games in a row.

14) Penn State - On that same train of thought, someone talked about the possibility of Penn State jumping Iowa for that BCS spot. There are two reasons this won't happen. 1- Iowa beat Penn State head-to-head in Penn State's house, and 2- Penn State hasn't beaten a Top 25 team at any point this season. SUCK.

15) Virginia Tech

16) Wisconsin - Boring ranking, boring team, second tier, congratulations.

/bitter they rolled Michigan

17) Stanford - So you found out they beat USC and Oregon back-to-back and were pretty impressed, right? So who did they lose to?

at Wake Forest (by seven)
at Oregon State (by 10)
at Arizona (by five)

There's a theme there.

18) USC - It's OK, Dynasty, I'm still behind you. It's a rebuilding year. You guys probably called it a re-loading year, and that's cute, but don't be in denial. It's not your fault Mark Sanchez left. It's his. Everyone says Stanford owns you now, but hey, look, you're only one spot below them. Finish strong. And believe in Pete. He loves you very much.

19) Oregon State
20) Miami (FL.)
21) Utah
22) Brigham Young
23) Clemson

24) Houston - Lost by five to UCF, which was UCF's first ever win over a ranked team.

25) California

Any Sweet Games This Weekend?

No, not really.

Friday Night Lights...
Boise State (6) at Utah State: Only because it's a Top 10 team on the road, and it's televised on ESPN2.

Saturday

Ohio State (10) at Michigan: I will make no guarantees other than it will be at least good through the first quarter.

Please.

Minnesota at Iowa (13): This week's "Bobby cares, you shouldn't" game.

Chattanooga at Alabama (2)
Florida International at Florida (1) -- How are games this bad still going on this late into the season?

TCU (4) at Wyoming: Beat down?

Kansas at Texas (3): I guess. KU is such a mess right now.

The other games people might "say" will be good...

LSU (8) at Mississippi
Penn State (14) at Michigan State
California (25) at Stanford (17)

I'd say all three have zero appeal.

Big Ten Rant

Clay Travis pointed this out: if presumably Iowa or Penn State goes BCS, that means a trickle down effect where all the bowl-bound Big Ten teams ranked below OSU/Iowa/Penn State are forced to play up a game in their respective bowl games. Thus hurting the odds of victory across the board in every single Big Ten bowl game while simultaneously upsetting everybody else who -- rightfully -- hates the conference.

This is an apology in advance.

College Football Bandwagon

Every year, once my actual favorite teams have been eliminated from the national title picture (by, you know, losing just one game), my buddy Ryan and I create what we call the "College Football Bandwagon" which mostly consists of a list of all the undefeated BCS conference teams minus Notre Dame (and this year, Florida). The goal of the CFB is to fake feel good about yourself when your "team" makes the national championship. Plus it gives you invested rooting interests.

College Football Bandwagon 2009
1) Alabama -- ... ... ALABAMA MAAAAAN!

2) Texas*
3) TCU
4) Cincinnati
5) Boise State

Dan Shanoff

I'm a long time reader of Shanoff, he's probably in my Top 5 online sportswriters, and he's usually the first thing I read every morning, but as a national columnist, his Florida bias has gotten out of control in recent years (most notably acknowledging no case for Michigan to play for the national title in '06 and creating TimTeblog.com in '09). We'll use this space to make fun of him when he says insane UF stuff which usually happens weekly.

Hard to rip him in a week where he defended Belichick's logical 4th and 2 decision, and to be fair, his DanShanoff.com and Sporting Blog stuff was fine, but not last Friday's Doc Saturday post, which talks about Florida fans' expectations.

The 2007 Patriots were the greatest offense in NFL history, but they're only remembered as the biggest chokers in NFL history

Dick! That's a little extreme.

Alternatively, think of the 2000 Ravens: Dominant defense, good-enough offense. Their legacy? NFL Champions. In college football, the same goes for Alabama in 1992, Tennessee in 1998, Ohio State in 2002 and, yes, Florida in 2006, all teams that frequently "won ugly," but ultimately won it all on the biggest stage.

You know what the difference between '92 Alabama, '98 Tennessee, and '02 OSU vs. '06 Florida? The first three teams actually went undefeated. Florida lost. They lost! The Gators have never had an undefeated season in school history.

If Florida loses along the way? Absolutely, go ahead and gripe -- be epically disappointed. I know I will. But as long as they are winning -- which, appropriately, seems to be the focus from Meyer to Tebow -- that's all that matters. The ultimate comeback to anyone questioning "how" your team is playing: "And-oh."

Ugh.

He also talks about Florida's win-or-die appeal:

Hell, that was a huge appeal for me when I converted to Florida fandom: The expectation that the team would compete for championships, every year. (And it's not like I carpet-bagged in for the Meyer Era; I started in Spurrier's final year, which meant I experienced every minute of the Zook debacle.) When your team is this good, expectations -- the highest expectations -- are not just normal; they are fair.

Every minute! Zook coached there for three years. Not exactly a generation.

What They Said -- A Take On Others' CFB Takes

- Mangino snaps (seriously, watch the video... it's got NSFW language, but it's short, and he is fuming)... Jason Whitlock proceeds to blame it on his weight.

I'm not even gonna touch this one.

- One would think I hate stories like Notre Dame making its university plane untrackable on flightaware.com, but for some reason, I eat this stuff up. I love the secrecy of the process of hiring a new coach. It's like their at war. Only more is at stake.

Random Picture I Came Across While Googling Stuff For This Post

At one time, this was an actual advertisement. An actual, terrifying advertisement.

Speaking of terror...

Bonus Random Picture I Came Across While Googling Stuff For This Post

Me and Jim Tressel

Wrapping It Up...

Stay patient, next week or the week after could start to be cool again. Oh, and keep me in your thoughts. Please?

Go Blue.

In Which I Urge You Not To Worry About Derrick Rose

2009-11-19T09:44:03Z

Please read my post on Rose over at the Sun-Times. It may or may not make sense. Let me know.

Chicago's 13-Year Old Girls Can Dunk Better Than You Can

2009-11-19T05:25:04Z

Can we call Chicago the girl dunking capital of the basketball world? Everyone knows about Naperville's own Candace Parker, now meet the next in line. Amber McLin is an eighth grader at St. Thomas on the west side. She won't graduate high school until 2014. And she can already thrown down. Check it out:

For the record, a quick YouTube search of "Jannero Pargo dunk" only yielded results of Pargo getting dunked on. This has to be the only city in the world where our eighth grade girls can dunk, and our backup NBA shooting guards can't.

(H/T: YourSeason)

Also, don't forget about my post on Derrick Rose and this wild and crazy year over at the Sun-Times' Full Court Press blog.

Things to Read: 11/18

2009-11-18T20:36:56Z

Send tips to rickhouse@blogsbyfans.com. And don't forget about my Bulls post at the Sun-Times.

Flat-top Frank, the '94 MVP. Via BLS.

NESW Sports: Some great old videos of Mrs. Lieponis' black friend, Bo Jackson.

About Last Night: Cutler and Olsen to announce MNF game for charity at local club.

Out of Bounds: Former Deadspin assistant editor Rick Chandler has a new blog.

Truth About it: Gilbert Arenas will start tweeting once he hits one million followers.

And a music video. After the jump...

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(Not their best song, but definitely their best video. An A++ effort.)

Bulls Knock Off Kings, Start "Circus Trip" 1-0

2009-11-18T08:43:37Z

Read my post on last night's Bulls game over at the Sun-Times' Full Court Press blog. Please and thank you.

Things to Read: 11/17

2009-11-17T19:46:08Z

Send submissions to rickhouse@blogsbyfans.com. And don't forget about my Blackhawks post at the Sun-Times.

The Chronic 2001 came out 10 years ago yesterday...

Trib: Easily the story of the day: it's cool guys, Grossman's dad says Cutler doesn't suck.

SouthSideSox: BP ranks the Sox's 15 best prospects. Can't believe Flowers is third.

Sox Net: Adrian Gonzalez to the White Sox! I'm sure this is totally bogus, but I want it to be true so bad just to rub it in Cowley's face.

Deadspin: Bears fans roofie a Steelers fan.

And a music video. After the jump...

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Potentially Huge 'Hawks News: Kane, Toews, Keith nearing deals?

2009-11-17T08:37:44Z

Read my post at the Sun-Times' Full Court Press blog. This is an order.

Things to Read: 9/16

2009-11-16T20:53:14Z

Send tips to rickhouse@blogsbyfans.com. And don't forget about my Bears post at the Sun-Times.

Blog Down, Bears: Nate Vasher's mom loves BDCB.

ESPN: The Atlanta Hawks are atop Mark Stein's power rankings.

Deadspin: Will Leitch looks at who had a bad decade.

Stereogum: Three new Arctic Monkey's b-sides.

And a music video. After the jump...

]]> Weezer - The World Has Turned

Bears post up at the Sun-Times

2009-11-16T09:08:54Z

Read it here.

Also: if I start doing this full-time (unlikely since I'm set to demand Luol Deng-type money), they'll probably have to take a picture of my stupid face and put it on the site. We decided this weekend that I'd probably have to wear a turtleneck and a fake mustache. Is anyone against this?

Dubs Dread: The Transitive Property is Awesome, Sort of

2009-11-13T19:20:47Z

{Ed. note: ~~I'm out of town drinking with my friends, because drinking with your friends is so much better than watching the Bears. Here's Dubs. I may or may not be back later.~~ This was supposed to go up hours ago but the stupid system is stupid and didn't publish this when I told it to. Oh well. Here's Dubs. Don't forget to continue the bitching on Stompy's Bears post. So, so glad I missed that game last night. -- Ricky}

*

BY DUBS

If a = b and b = c then a = c

It may be simple. It may be basic. But, as a sports fan, it is everything. And it is awesome.

In sports, especially in college football, where teams, even in the same conference, don't necessarily play each other every year, the transitive property makes things WAY more debatable and WAY more fan-tastic. "UConn lost to Pitt and WE beat Pitt, so if WE would play UConn we would win. Hands down. No questions asked. Fuck you." (Please ignore OUR 1-7 record in conference as I am sure that is the fluke and not the Pitt game)*.

]]> I call this fan unique argument the Sports Transitive Property or STP. With STP there is no true truth behind anything. As we all know, sports on any given day are anything but logic based. Teams that should not even be on the same field as their opponent win everyday. How in the fuck did the Cardinals win the World Series in 2006? How did Boise State beat Oklahoma on January 1, 2007? Did Oregon really lose to Stanford last week after beating USC the week before? This shit happens ALL THE TIME. Thus, to say if a = b and b = c then a = c in sports is downright ridiculous. But that is our right as fans. We can irrationally claim our team is better than yours because we beat a team you lost to. IT IS WHAT WE DO BEST.

Suck it, Bob.

However, the problem with the STP is that it is also used by our trusted voters to make crucial decisions when it comes down to the most important football games of the year. And that is fucked. Lets breakdown a scenario.

Currently, there are six undefeated teams in the country (Florida, Texas, Alabama, TCU, Cincinnati and Boise State). Assuming all things stay as is until the end of the season, at most we could have is five undefeated teams as Florida and Alabama will square up against each other for the SEC title (for argument sake, lets say Florida wins). Now we are down to five (Florida, Texas, TCU, Cinci and Boise State). That is an easy Florida/Texas National Champion game. No arguments. But what if Texas and/or Florida slips before their Conference Championship games. This is where things get tricky.

If they both lose, would the BCS really allow TCU to play Cinci in the National Championship as the only two unbeatens outside of Boise, ID? Are they going to let a Mountain West team in? Should they? The Horned Frogs (hehe) did beat two ACC opponents and two ranked teams (assuming they beat Utah on Saturday). Is that enough? Maybe? But then again, the voters can just dismiss TCU and their pussy Mountain West.

But what is even more fucked is that the STP says Boise State, who everyone has already dismissed for even a BCS bid, should play ahead of Cinci for the national title. Two times over. Weird right? Remember kids if a = b and b = c then a = c, only now = equals beats/lost to. Here's how the STP comes to the unfortunate rescue on the back of a blue fucking Bronco. And away we go...

Since Cinci beat Fresno St. by 8 and Fresno St. lost to Boise State by 17 then Cinci will lose to Boise State by 9.
AND
Since Cinci beat Miami (OH) by 24 and Miami (OH) lost to Boise State by 48 then Cinci will lose to Boise State by 24.

Seems ludicrous though. You would never expect Cinci to be dogs to Boise State. Ever. But that is reason and logic talking. However, STP also raises a legitimate question. Should the Broncos be completely dismissed from the National Championship game, let alone the BCS? They have played some of the same opponents as other BCS hopefuls and have done better than them against the same, granted weak, opponents. Does the STP give hope for the blue horses? Probably not. But it is worth the debate for sure.

"What happened? I blacked out."

Hopefully, the BCS National Championship will not come down to STP or strength of schedule or some random math equation and we will get to watch Texas play whoever wins the SEC Championship game like god intended. It would give the BCS a year off from being the devil and we can just ignore its insane flaws until next season. That would be nice. I think.

*This scenario is made up don't try to find out if this team exists. You will be wasting your time.

And now some actual STP:

***

Other things:

Is this racist? I need a second opinion.

Racisty?

*

Notre Dame is killing me. To say the least. I have been one of those non-haters of Charlie Weis. That doesn't mean I have been a full-blown supporter either, but I have not hated on him--knowing that his recruiting ability would get the Irish back into national relevance where they belong. I knew in 2007, when they went 3-9, that it was not really Weis' fault, but Ty's fault. He recruited like an asshole and it showed. They were an inferior product, playing top tier teams. In 2008, they went 7-6, almost beating some pretty good teams, unfortunately falling short when it mattered. But they were showing promise. It was going to be OK.

Everything was going as planned this year. 6-2, losing to what appeared to be a pretty decent Michigan team at the last second and then playing with USC, losing, again, with a chance to win. It looked fine. It looked like ND was a year away from where they should be. Then Navy happened. Fucking Navy.

I am still not in the "Fire that Asshole"-mode yet with Charlie, but I am getting close. He needs this team to win out. A bad loss to Pitt and Charlie may be out. I don't know I am done with him, but 8-4 against a pretty mediocre schedule is not good enough. Not in your 5th season as head ball coach at the University of Notre Dame. It just is not. However, I want to see what this team can do if all the offensive weapons, including Jimmy, stay for one more year. This team, minus the offensive line, will be scary and may be what is needed to save Charlie.

*

Since it is almost the 14th and Ricky will not be here to update TUP on Saturday, here is your NSFW Pic o' the Month. YOU. ARE. WELCOME.

This one's for you, Mike.

The Bears Will Kill Us.

2009-11-13T05:12:02Z

Chicago 6, San Francisco 10
Jay Cutler: 5 INTs
Lance Briggs: 12 Tackles, Heart

There have been bigger letdowns, there have been bigger failures, there have been sadder games. But tonight... tonight. If you, as a Bears fan, could watch that game without screaming at least three times, I applaud you and question your actual investment to this team.

If you'd like to buy low on Jay Cutler, right now's the time. I still support him. Still. The question I keep asking myself is, if I'm not going to jump off tonight, what will it take? We're on the verge of an onslaught of "he has bad body language and facial expressions!" stories. Hey, idiot morons, that's not what football is about. It's about what you actually do on the field.

Solace: you shouldn't expect this team to win any more games for the rest of the year. When they win two of the remaining games -- which they will -- you should find happiness based on these basement expectations.

Negativity: the Bears have yet to play the Vikings. This is a team so equipped to demolish the Bears it's almost laughable. If Jay Cutler doesn't throw at least three interceptions when they play at Minnesota, it's only because he probably got sacked before he could chuck the ball. Maybe we can hurt Favre though. This should be Bears fans' greatest aspiration for the rest of the 2009 season. I am 0% kidding.

Also, a huge "FU" goes out to Mike Singletary. I've never seen such respect for a coach who has done nothing in this league. But I guess that's what a big wooden cross, dangling stopwatch, and exponential quantities of bravado will buy you. Guess what? Your team sucks, too. Four years and 10 million dollars after going 5-4 last year. Now that's laughable.

The Hybrid: James Van Der Beek Or Something Like It ("Down Goes Iowa!")

2009-11-12T18:58:11Z

Be sure to check out Ricky's Bears post at FCP, too.

***

"It hurts, but we've got two games left. Worse things could happen. We're not at war. We live in a good country, we're going to school for free, we're living the American dream. We lost a football game. It's pretty small when you think of the big picture."

That quote, right there, makes me not want to be mad at anything. It's creator, Iowa LB Pat Angerer, probably wanted to give (too?) rabid fans some perspective. Gotta say, it worked.

Iowa's loss to Northwestern last week sucked because they didn't get the chance to redeem their early-game screw up. A severely sprained ankle doesn't heal over two quarters. The QB position is just so god damned important.

So Stanzi went down. And Iowa lost. And that was it. No more having to defend Iowa's schedule, no more worrying about Iowa fans sending anthrax to BCS headquarters, no more worrying, period. It's been a bit liberating.

More than any other sport, going undefeated in college football puts you, the fan, in a bunker which you can't really climb out of until a) the season ends with a championship, or b) your team loses. Most fans' seasons end with "b."

But if you're lucky enough to get "a," it's not party, either. You just have to stay focused on the week-to-week as bullets and bombs are flying all over the place. Looking ahead? Suffer an injury? Slow start on the road? Napalm death.

Every Saturday you survive becomes a small "X" on the big picture of everything. Rack up your 12 or 13 X's, and you get the cabin fever-style freak out of waiting a month for your team execute or be executed in the national title game with all eyes watching. And that's what it's all about. No petty consolation bowls, no moral victories. If you consider your team's program elite to elite-ish, than the national championship is all you should really care about, period.

But, remember, college football isn't war. Not actually.

Sure, March Madness or even the NFL playoffs have the one-and-done aspect to their respective systems, but even in those cutthroat creations, teams are still allowed moments of slippage in the regular season. But that's just not now college football works. Unless you're two-loss LSU and you somehow go to the national title. Or Florida, who lost at home last year, and got to go to the national title. I hate the SEC.

Anyway... when Stanzi went down and the loss set in, my thoughts immediately turned back to the last QB injury which ruined my life: Tom Brady's ACL tear that happened in the first hour of the 2008 NFL season. I remember some of the more hardcore fans in Boston were debating whether or not they'd personally choose to inflict Brady's catastrophic knee injury on themselves if it hypothetically could keep Brady's knee healthy. While a severely sprained ankle isn't on par with a destroyed ACL, the situations compared pretty favorably. Especially factoring in fan passion. I asked a few of the bigger Iowa fans I know if they would trade ankles with Stanzi, and here's what I got.

- "No."

- "No, and its not that I wouldn't take the bullet for Rick, but I think I'd be tempting fate if i did. So I suppose in some weird way I feel the team could be better off in the future (like during the bowl game or even next season) because they had to go through this period of Stanzi being injured."

- ~~"Confused by the question."~~ UPDATE: "Absolutely I would do it. I've been down that road before and I'm not afraid to go again. You play to win the game!"

Not totally unanimous. So maybe this season wasn't as life-or-death as originally suspected. Iowa's schedule looks a little easier next year, and the Hawkeyes do return a lot of key starters.

Don't misinterpret this as me saying "oh, it's cool Iowa lost, we'll be back, optimism!" No. Not at all. Losing totally sucked. Especially in the way it can mitigate kick ass moments from earlier in the season, like the MSU game. Iowa wins the national title, and that game is the stuff dreams are made of. Now, it's just a nice victory I'll remember for a while. But not the most epically contributed piece in the picture of absolute immortality. Too much hyperbole?

But sometimes not knowing is better than knowing. Whether or not you agree with that last sentence really doesn't matter, though, because that's exactly what Iowa got.

As the script usually goes in real life and the movies, the focus now shifts to QB2: James Vandenberg. I did what I usually do when I when I'm unfamiliar with a college player -- I looked at his Rivals profile for basic information to help give me an arbitrary semblance of an idea of what he might maybe sort of kind of be like.

Stars? 3.
White/Black? White.
Height? 6'2''
Forty Time? 4.8
Style (Pro or Dual-Threat)? Dual-Threat
High School? Keokuk (Keokuk, Iowa)
Most Impressive School To Recruit Him Besides Iowa? Nebraska... or Michigan State

None of that's particularly discouraging. But still: first college football start, ever. Against Ohio State. On the road. I don't envy his position right now. He seems like he could be likable based on this antidote after the Northwestern loss.

Check out what happened to Hawkeyes backup quarterback James Vandenberg last Saturday, hours after he replaced the injured Ricky Stanzi in Iowa's 17-10 loss to Northwestern. Vandenberg and his dad went to a Bass Pro Shop in Altoona, Iowa, to buy Vandenberg a present for his 20th birthday.

From The (Cedar Rapids) Gazette:
"So I was up in Bass Pro Shop trying some waders on, some hunting waders. The [salesman] was like, 'Did you go to the [Iowa] game today?' I was like, 'Yeah,'" Vandenberg said. "And he said, 'Did it look as rough in person as it did on TV?' And I said, 'You have no idea.'"

Which reminds me...

Shops at Bass Pro Shop For "Waders"? Oh yes.

Best of luck, JV (Can I call you JV?), we'll all be rooting for you. And win or lose, I know I'll be about ten times more comfortable with the big picture of this season. There's just nothing to truly lose anymore.

Ohhh man.

THE HYBRID

Quick, Selective Hits On The BCS Standings
(unbeaten teams noted)

1) Florida (9-0) -- I don't hate myself enough to aggressively follow Florida coverage, but you've got to think after their drubbing of Vandy that someone had to have said a) "No Spikes, No Problem!" or b) "Imagine what they could have done with Spikes!"

Both stupid.

2) Alabama (9-0) -- Am I allowed to call last week's game against LSU a bad game? That's cool, right? Scoreless after the first quarter, and it wasn't much prettier after.

3) Texas (9-0) -- I was reading the new Chuck Klosterman book, and in his chapter called "Football," Chuck sung the praises of Mike Leach for a while, and it really, really made me miss Texas Tech.

4) TCU (9-0) -- Man, TCU is cool. If they could just somehow crack it. Utah this week.

5) Cincinnati (9-0) -- They stay undefeated, Notre Dame loses to Navy, Ohio State is still rising. Tumultuous football times in the worst state in America.

6) Boise State (9-0) -- After the PR crap last week, I can't shake this feeling I got: Boise won't finish the season undefeated.

7) Georgia Tech -- No. 7?! That came out of nowhere! That's just great. No, seriously, I meant that.

8) LSU -- Penn State, Sr. You've got to be kidding me. Two losses. I'm sure this is the most egregious team placement in this week's poll.

9) USC -- Nope. Why not just match up LSU and USC in the national title game right now. Would anyone even notice? God.

While we're at it: we're a couple weeks away from the "here's how great college football could... if only there was a playoff" stories, but let's do it for fun, shall we?

If it was a 4-teamer... we'd have a nice and clean (1) Florida vs. (4) TCU / (2) Alabama vs. (3) Texas. Hell of a final four. And really, after the SEC title game, Florida or Alabama is out of it, so Cinci could potentially sneak in. That'd be a very, very acceptable playoff.

If it was the extremely coveted 8-teamer... Oooh baby: (1) Florida vs. (8) LSU / (2) Alabama vs. (7) Georgia Tech / (3) Texas vs. (6) Boise State / (4) TCU vs. (5) Cincinnati.

That's beautiful. You appease ESS EEE SEE fans because they inexplicably get three teams, we get dos mid-majors involved, and a super niche offense (G-Tech) enters the fold as well. It would be so terrific.

Seriously, why do we follow this sport?

10) Iowa -- Hello, alma mater. This might be as good as it gets for a long, long time.

11) Ohio State -- I was talking about this with a buddy earlier this week. Doesn't No. 10 vs. No. 11 (the Iowa-OSU match up this week) just look like a really ugly and boring game? The double-double digit aspect just makes it seem so insignificant. Seriously, imagine if it was No. 9 vs. No. 10. That'd be at least 11% better.

12) Pittsburgh -- Might be a fun week against ND, but I wouldn't call their victory over the Irish a forgone conclusion.

13) Oregon -- You... you screwed up everything.

14) Miami (FL.) -- Thearon Collier's punt return against Virginia was so great. This was pointed out by ESPN highlight I watched: freeze this highlight at the :11 second mark. He is clearly boxed in by exactly seven Virginia defenders.

No matter... they can't contain. Then Miami's punt return team throws three consecutive killer blocks in the span of about two full seconds. Not just three decent blocks, killer mega awesome blocks. Collier then runs about 90 yards for the 61-yard touchdown. This play is easily one of the most fun plays of the year.

15) Houston
16) Utah

17) Arizona -- Pac Ten title buzz?

18) Penn State -- Well, they lost their two biggest games of the year. There is no chance for redemption. Absolutely no chance. And I was totally right about them. And really, I wish I wasn't. This team should be fun and exciting, but they're not. They pound bad teams, compete against decent ones, and lose to good/great ones. I just wish they had more of an Oregon element to them. If only they could somehow sacrifice some of their defensive prowess in order to get way awesome-er (word?) on offense. They'd be Pac Ten quality for sure if that could happen.

19) Oklahoma State

20) Wisconsin -- Lurker. Boring, boring lurker. Penn State, Wisconsin, and Iowa are why people hate the Big Ten.

21) Virginia Tech
22) Brigham Young
23) Oregon State
24) South Florida

25) West Virgina -- We'll see you Frid'y.

Any Sweet Games This Weekend?

Friday Night Lights... West Virginia (25) at Cincinnati (5) -- Dare I call this my game of the week? It's because this week has bad games, but still.

~~Texas (3) at Baylor~~ -- I know I've got my "any top-10 team on the road is potentially interesting" theory. But for this one? Nah.

Georgia Tech (7) at Duke -- I'm completely fixated on G-Tech being ranked 7th. Is their any possible way they crack the national title? Any? Well, no... no.

Michigan at Wisconsin (20) -- We need a name for these games that no one should watch but me.

Florida (1) at South Carolina -- Like I always say, ""any top-10 team on the road is potentially interesting."

In all seriousness, I would bet my life Florida wins this game. This is a much bigger knock on South Carolina's suck than Florida's good, though.

Stanford at USC (9) -- Why not?

Iowa (10) at Ohio State (11) -- Those numbers next to each other look so ugly, man! I cringed again when I saw it. This cannot be argued.

Alabama (2) at Mississippi State -- Florida-South Carolina II.

Utah (16) at TCU (4) -- I think this is the mainstream pick for game of the week. And that's a fair choice, too.

Notre Dame at Pittsburgh (12) -- This enters the Georgia Tech zone for game I'm inexplicably interested in. I always root against ND, but with the Irish totally slayed, I kind of want them to win this game. I have no idea why. Call it fatigue from all the Weis-should-be-fired! talk? Call it hatred and contempt for other ranked teams? It's one of those two.

Big Ten Rant

Really, Big Ten? Ohio State as your champion... again?! I can't even grasp how terrible this conference is sometimes.

IHATEYOUIHATEYOUIHATEYOUIHATEYOU

College Football Bandwagon -- We have lift off!

Every year, once my actual favorite teams have been eliminated from the national title picture (by, you know, losing just one game), my buddy Ryan and I create what we call the "College Football Bandwagon" which mostly consists of a list of all the undefeated BCS conference teams minus Notre Dame (and this year, Florida). The goal of the CFB is to fake feel good about yourself when your "team" makes the national championship. Plus it gives you invested rooting interests.

Per the tradition of Iowa losing its first game, Ryan gave me his bandwagon choices.

2009 Bandwagon...bout time.

1. Alabama

That's it. I refuse to get behind Florida and Texas or any of these other teams because they'll never get in.

Roll Tide!!!!!!!

I'm obviously on board with excluding Florida (as I've said all year), but really, why no Texas?

His response...

In no particular order:

George W. Bush
George (whatever his middle initial is) Bush
Dixie Chicks
Alan Jackson's song "God Blessed Texas"
2006 Alamo Bowl
Tim Duncan
Tony Parker
Manu Ginobili
Bruce Bowen (not as much now that he retired)
Gregg Popovich
Michael Crabtree (until he proves to be worth every penny)
Milton Bradley (via Tex...as Rangers)
Mark David Chapman (killed John Lennon)
Meat Loaf
Jessica and Ashlee Simpson
Drew Tate
and their inexplicable love for propane and propane accessories when charcoal is clearly the best way to grill a steak!

I could do this all day, but it's making me angry.

I'm on board with half of those reasons (who saw Mark David Chapman coming?), but I really don't mind the Spurs, I find Milton Bradley funny, and I'm really, really thinking that "King of the Hill" pushes things over the top. So Texas is in if you ask me, but since 'Bama is ranked higher right now anyway, it's sort of a moot point. And why not include those scrappy other teams until they at least lose? We need as many winners as we can get right now.

College Football Bandwagon 2009
1) Alabama -- WHOOOOO! We rule!

2) Texas (Don't tell Ryan... he could have also listed JFK)
3) TCU
4) Cincinnati
5) Boise State

Dan Shanoff

I'm a long time reader of Shanoff, he's probably in my Top 5 online sportswriters, and he's usually the first thing I read every morning, but as a national columnist, his Florida bias has gotten out of control in recent years (most notably acknowledging no case for Michigan to play for the national title in '06 and creating TimTeblog.com in '09). We'll use this space to make fun of him when he says insane UF stuff which usually happens weekly.

An unfathomably clean week from him. First of the 2009 season.

What They Said -- A Take On Others' CFB Takes

Doc Saturday maintains his stranglehold on this section with...

- His "2009 Kind of Sucks" Post (Amen.)

- This should cheer up Iowa fans: Doc Saturday included the 2005 Capitol One Bowl ending in his "Best Plays of the Aughts" recap.

Oh wait, no he didn't. Oh well. Still, there's some great ones: Leinart to Jarrett! But really no Iowa? No Boise State? Hmmm.

- BHGP say they got this description from Doc Sat, but I think they worded it better... Description of the Week: "Rick Stanzi was the immovable block in the Hawkeye offense's Jenga tower."

- "R.I.P., Jenn Sterger's Boobs" (WithLeather)

- And finally, I'm painfully late on this, but Clay Travis wrote an incredible post about going to a wedding on a football Saturday ("When A Wedding Causes Football Separation"). It's got some words, but if you've got time, totally read it. Probably my favorite part (inside the church before the start of the wedding):

A grown man who shall remain nameless, but who does not have a BlackBerry or an iPhone pulls me aside when he sees me checking scores. "I hate Florida" he says.

I nod.

"Can you keep up with the game during the service?"

I nod again.

"Here's what you do, if Arkansas scores, give me a thumbs up, if Florida scores, flick me off."

Welcome to a Southern wedding ladies and gentlemen.

Oh, SEC.

Random Picture I Came Across While Googling Stuff For This Post

No words.

Wrapping It Up...

I just now realized something: I headlined this post with the James Van Der Beek/James Vandenberg names-sounding-the-same joke, but I completely whiffed on pointing out something that could have been great: Van Der Beek himself played a backup QB thrust into the fold when the starter (PAUL F'N WALKER!) went down in "Varsity Blues."

To make up for the fact that I didn't recognize this early enough to incorporate clumsily forced comparisons and jokes, we'll end this with Van Der Beek's most memorable one liner of all-time, ever, and forever.

Probably the second-greatest high school football movie, ever

Actually, you know what? We can't end there. This week was a sad week. So we'll give the ending to his four-second crying scene from a random ep of "Dawson's Creek."

Done and done.

Bears-49ers preview up at Full Court Press

2009-11-12T18:55:24Z

Check it out here.