Trendline Financial Thoughts for Divorcees

Finding Reliable Financial Advice on Long Island after Divorce

2011-03-05T09:11:00.000-08:00

Long Island Adult Education Classes Spring 2011 - Coping with Financial Matters After Divorce or Becoming a Widow

2011-02-08T04:20:00.000-08:00

2011-01-18T18:58:00.000-08:00

Dangerous Mistake Older Women Make in Division of Assets During Divorce

2011-01-07T18:03:00.000-08:00

How Can an Older Woman Ensure Financial Survival After Divorce --------Click Title to View Article

2010-12-23T08:55:00.000-08:00

How Do Divorcees and Widows Survive the Holidays -----Click Title to View Article

Interacting with your Ex after Divorce

2010-12-06T11:25:00.000-08:00

By Shelley Stiles

Communicating and dealing with your ex after divorce is a given when you have children together. But how do you handle this new relationship with your ex-husband without slipping back into the same old habits of interacting with each other? The answer lies in breaking the emotional ties that keep you bound to these old habits, as outlined in the article below.

Cutting the Emotional Ties that Bind

Your divorce decree is only step one in moving into a new life after divorce. The real divorce is the cutting of the emotional, mental and physical ties that still bind you to your ex-husband. This is the real work of divorce recovery: becoming a single woman possessed of confidence, self-esteem, an enthusiasm for life and most important, a complete break from the emotional turmoil that led to your divorce in the first place.

All too often, women experience the same conflicts with their ex that originally led to divorce: constant arguments, reactive behavior leading to emotional upsets, old patterns of reliance, the barrage of destructive barbs aimed at your self-esteem and deep hurts. To truly be divorced you must put forth great effort and inner work that will sever your ties to your ex and you must build a structure that will facilitate that work.

Let me give you examples: You and your ex have children together, therefore you must be in contact with one another on a regular basis. Unfortunately, your discussions with him always end in an argument. Nothing happens easily. The deep resentments and hurts suffered in your marriage and actual divorce remain intact. You each know each other's hot buttons and continue to push those buttons resulting in upsets. It's the old marriage still running the game. You continually get sucked into this abyss.

If this is the case for you, know that you have not divorced on an emotional level. You are an ex-wife versus a divorced woman. Somewhere inside of you there is still an attachment of some sort to either your marriage or your ex. You need to look inside to determine where you are still tied to him.

Acceptance of your new place in life is mandatory.

Acceptance comes from acknowledging that your marriage is over with no hope or wish for it to continue. Acceptance allows you to living in a way that reveals a freedom from the past. It means living in the present and the future. It takes work but before you can do this work, you must put in place new rules that will lay the groundwork for a completely new relationship with your former husband. These rules are there to protect you from any further hurts or upsets.

Create an environment that supports you.

You must build a new structure that empowers you versus disempowering you. Take the analogy of going on a diet to lose weight. You need to create an environment that will both motivate and move you towards your goal. To do so, you remove all of the temptations that lead to over-eating or eating the wrong foods. You clean out all the junk food form the cupboards and replace them with healthy and non-fattening foods. You create a support system with a friend who you can call when you feel yourself slipping into your old eating habits. You take on a partner in your exercise program. In other words, you do everything that you can to surround yourself with ways to achieve your goal.

You must do the same thing when you are working at disentangling yourself from your ex after divorce. Create an environment that will help, not hinder your progress towards true independence. Remove all the temptations to stay connected to your ex. Here are some ideas to help you reclaim your space after divorce. Within this framework you are free to do the inner work of healing.

My ex and I had a fairly amiable divorce and we have managed to move out of each other's lives albeit for the children. Or so I thought. In reading the book, Leaving Him Behind by Sandra Kahn, she mentioned something that set off a light for me. My ex has spent a good deal of time around my new home, as his condo has taken much longer to complete as was predicted. In order for the children to see him more often I have been extremely accommodating and have allowed him to be in my home with the kids. He knows the code to my house lock and oftentimes enters on his own. He has the tendency to walk into the house, open the refrigerator door and grabs something to eat, which is exactly what he always did when we were married. Not such a big deal you might say. But Ms. Kahn says otherwise.

Although we have a very friendly relationship for the most part, he is not my husband anymore. I have been far too accommodating to him. I should have created a scenario where it was incumbent upon him to get into his new place in order to have a place for him and the kids.

This is my house and I should have laid down he ground rules that said he is to knock on the front door just like any other houseguest. Houseguests do not help themselves to the food in my refrigerator. This is him living by the old rules as if this were his home, which it is not.

Establish Some Ground Rules

These ground rules are meant to protect you and prevent any kind of situations that could lead to an upset. Obviously the less you have to do with your ex after divorce the better. That is not to say that you cannot have a relationship with your ex, but it has to be radically different from the one you had while married. There are those women who cannot have their ex in their lives for any reason other than the children. Their emotional ties to their ex are still strong and they need to isolate themselves in order to break those ties.

Set ground rules that determines the nature of this new relationship. These rules might include:

1) Communicate with your ex via writing and/or brief phone calls. Keep all communication limited to only what is necessary for the kids or legal matters.

2) Speak to one another in respectful ways. When an upset is looming or when your ex starts to speak to you in appropriate ways, stop the conversation and hang up or walk away. Let your ex know this new ground rule: you will speak to one another in respectful ways and will not tolerate anything else or the conversation is over.

3) Ensure that your home is just that: your home. It is not a place to hang out with the kids. It is not his home. When he is in your house make certain he realizes that he is a houseguest like any other.

4) Keep your conversations highly impersonal and to the point. Protect your privacy. Do not discuss your fears, concerns or personal issues because that only maintains the emotional tie between the two of you. Don't talk about anything that opens the door to more connections or emotional entanglements. Keep it business-like.

5) Do not involve the children in any communication between the two of you. Don't send messages through the kids. Keep them protected.

6) Stay out of each other's lives. You don't need to now where he goes, what he does, what he is thinking or whom he is seeing…and he doesn't need to know those things about you as well.

7) Don't look to your ex for advise or support. This might be the hardest tie to break. I remember in the early part of my separation, I continued to treat him as my husband when I called upon him for assistance with the kids. Wrong. Handle it yourself by getting support from friends or family. You aren't married anymore and you will only be left disappointed.

8) Consider your child support or your alimony as your money and not a gift from him or an obligation. Your money, no matter how it is acquired, is your money. The courts determined that support and it doesn't give him the right to comment upon or berate you about finances. If you are experiencing any problems with support checks, take it to your lawyer. Never beg or put yourself in an inferior position. Keep your true financial position to yourself.

9) Be careful of maintaining relationships with his family. Blood is thicker than water. If you have developed a friendship with your sister-in-law, make certain it is because you two are friends, not family members. Always insist that the subject of your ex is forbidden.

10) You are not a wife anymore and do not exhibit any behavior that mimics that role. All too often women continue to do things or relate in ways to their ex that were part of their former marriage. If he needs support or someone to talk to about personal matters, he needs to call a friend and not you. You are not there to assist him as you did when you were his wife. You are not his wife anymore and not his friend either, at least not right now.

Perhaps in the future, when you have cut all of the psychological ties to your ex that held you back form creating a new life for yourself, you might be able to ease these rules. I doubt it. What's done is done and what is past is past. Let go of anything that does not serve you well.

You will be much more successful in healing yourself and moving on if you have adopted rules and created an environment that keep you physically and mentally separate from your ex. The work of healing your emotional wounds and of learning acceptance and forgiveness for yourself and him demands all your attention. Don't squander your time and effort on your ex after divorce. It's all about you now, you as a single woman with an exciting and wonderful future in front of you.

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Surviving Emotionally

2010-12-01T09:17:00.001-08:00

In most divorces, one partner wants to leave and goes through the effort to move out and file for divorce, while the other partner does not want and resist the divorce. Regardless of what the person who instigated the divorce wants, how does the person left alone cope with the sudden, and often unexpected, loss of the companion to whom she or he still feels committed?

Not having a partner to “check in with” at the end of each day can be devastating to the partner who is left behind. Although the quality or quantity of personal interactions may have deteriorated in the months or even years leading up to the divorce, the partner who is left may have prized them over having no interaction with any significant other at all.

Married people of both genders are often used to venting their emotions about bad days at work, problems with the children, and other issues to their spouses. But when one partner leaves the other, the “left behind” individual finds that the person who used to listen to their problems is the cause and focus of them. To make matters worse, they no longer have a helpmate for coping with divorce.

Starting over during a separation and after a divorce is not just about setting up separate households; it is about finding a new person to fill the gap left by the partner who exited the marriage. Frequently, people rush into relationships in an effort to fill this empty hole in their lives. But this role doesn’t have to be filled with a romantic partner, and often that is not the best course of action. Family and friends, while they may have to take turns if contact is needed on a daily basis, can be a better source of companionship for the newly separated and divorced than a new significant other selected for the sake of convenience.

For those who still feel an emptiness in their lives or whose family and friends don’t rise to the occasion, regular sessions with a professional divorce counselor can help recently separated and divorced individuals solve short-term problems, as well as develop long-term plans for securing a healthy future. Divorce counseling also offers an objective perspective that can be invaluable to individuals struggling with very personal feelings of rejection over being left.

Whatever the outlet, newly divorced and separated people who did not want their marriages to end should seek healthy emotional support during divorce. The struggle to cope with daily existence when the support of a significant other has been withdrawn cannot be overestimated and should not be ignored.

By Dr. Deborah Hecker

Emotional and Financial Asset Division in Divorce

2010-12-01T09:14:00.000-08:00

Emotional and Financial Asset Division in Divorce

By Dr. Deborah Hecker
Thursday, September 9th, 2010

Dividing the money in divorce is fraught with emotional stress.

Untangling the financial and emotional weave of a couple’s life together as they go their separate ways through divorce adds months, or even years, to the divorce process. Even as they navigate the legal terrain of divorce, each member of the couple must grapple with lifestyle changes, new budgets, and long-held views about money, family, and what happens to the money when the family is torn asunder.

Usually, a couple fighting over money during divorce has had their fair share of battles over the issue throughout the marriage. But divorce adds to the mix because each member of the couple often wishes to be financially compensated for the emotional turmoil they suffered as the marriage unraveled. For example, the partner being left frequently believes that she or he should receive a sort of “pain and suffering” payment, since the end of their marriage is “not my fault.” Conversely, the partner who is leaving may feel entitled to a greater share of the marital assets in order to begin their new life if they’ve made significant lifestyle concessions to the other party. Both parties usually see the marital home as more “mine” than “ours” for various emotional and financial reasons.

Divorce therapy can help resolve the intense emotional conflicts both parties suffer, helping the divorce to progress toward an equitable settlement that will allow each individual to get on with her or his life. Conversely, one or both partners may use fights that are ostensibly over money to stall an unwanted divorce. Couples with children may place them squarely in the middle of the battle, arguing over which parent will manage money for the kids and how it will be spent, and in that process creating collateral damage in the form of their children’s emotional health.

If divorcing parties don’t resolve their internal issues over emotions and money, these matters may cause problems in the years following the divorce, especially where children are involved. Even couples without children often harbor bitterness towards one another regarding the other party’s perceived misuse of alimony and marital assets. While their anger and resentment may be understandable, one or both parties may become stuck in a rut that prevents them from finding new happiness as single persons.

If divorce therapy is still not sought at this point, divorced individuals often carry heavily-loaded emotional baggage concerning finances into their new relationships. The new partner is often surprised at the degree to which she or he is viewed with suspicion and mistrust when the relationship is still new and unproven. Projection of an ex’s negative qualities onto a new partner has caused the demise of many fledgling relationships and can even result in yet another divorce down the road.

Given the potential pain that could be lessened or avoided, participating in divorce therapy sessions becomes an excellent investment in the future of a divorcing individual.

Health Insurance after Divorce

2010-11-24T19:30:00.000-08:00

Making Decisions on Your Health Plan

According to leading financial expert and author, Neale Godfrey, 85 percent of women make their financial decisions in times of crisis. Significant life changes like a separation or divorce typically bring about a period of personal and financial reassessment. Protecting your health insurance is an important part of any financial plan.
All too often, divorce can result in the loss of health insurance. Because women more frequently depend on their spouses for coverage, they are usually at a higher risk for losing health insurance. In times of transition, reviewing your coverage needs is essential. According to a Plan for Your Health^SM survey of women ages 24-44, recently separated, divorced or widowed women actually spent less time reviewing their health plan options than other women. Only eight percent of women experiencing this type of life change in the past year said they spent two or more hours researching health plans.
Here are some tips on ways to consider your choices:

Whether or not you choose to continue on your ex-spouse's plan, it is important to have medical coverage in place quickly, without interruption.
Many divorced parents list their children as dependents on each individual plan, one plan serving as "primary" and the other as "secondary." Primary pays the cost of the claims first; secondary takes care of the remaining costs.
- If your children are covered through both of your group plans (not always the best idea because of the double cost), primary coverage is through the spouse with the earliest birthday, or a group plan takes precedence over an individual plan.
- Getting a "Qualified Medical Child Support Order" can help you deal directly with the insurance plan for claims instead of through your spouse.
You may be eligible to purchase non-group insurance, COBRA, or the right to temporarily continue health coverage at the previous group rate.
Typically, you are able to continue coverage for up to 36 months; however, the individual is responsible for the full cost of COBRA premiums without help from their previous employer.

Here are some other financial and insurance tips to consider with a divorce:

Spouses who will be paying child support should have enough life insurance for themselves in order to secure court-ordered obligations. The key here is for the other spouse to make sure the insured doesn't change beneficiaries or simply drop the policy without notice (don't forget policies at the workplace).
Many divorce experts recommend that the person providing child support payments have enough disability coverage in order to continue payments in the event of a temporary or permanent disability. And, the person taking care of the children also should have coverage, assuming he or she works. Review the policy to see whether you need to increase the amount.
If you are not a "named insured" on your homeowner's insurance policy, your personal possessions won't be covered once you divorce. And if you move out of the house before the divorce, generally insurers will limit coverage of your personal possessions to only 10% of their covered value, even if you are a named insured.

Written by Aetna Life Inusrance Company

2010-11-21T09:23:00.000-08:00

Financial Planning for Divorce

Financial Planning before and after your Divorce is probably low on your priortity list right now, but it will reduce the stress of managing your finances during a divorce and get your finances positioned correctly later on. Below you will find steps to take when going through a divorce that will help you through this difficult time.

Steps to Help Deal with Finances During Divorce

It is possible to lower the stress of managing finances during divorce.
Here are divorce financial planning steps to help reduce the stress of managing finances during a divorce.

Settle the legal Financial Issues - Child support, maintenance, and division of assets are all financial issues that must be resolved during divorce. To make sure this is done properly, contact a trusted and reliable lawyer. Also, some couples turn to a professional mediator who won't take sides in the issue and will help work out a settlement that is fair and equal for both parties.
Budgeting - make a list of monthly expenses, including bills, alimony, child support, etc. Track all expenses - e During divorce, most people will probably be running the same household ven the small ones, and then compare this to monthly income. By comparing expenditures and purchases to total income at the end of the month, it's often easy to decide what to cut back on and how to reduce overall expenses.
Watch your Debt - With the new expenses related to a divorce, controlling debt can be difficult. It's important to keep debt during this time at minimum. For example, it is not recommended to use credit cards to make required payments. Consistently doing this may hinder one's long-term financial health as well as the ability to provide for family.
Paying Bills
Bills for which one is legally responsible for must be covered until financial obligations are settled in court. Arrange all bills from most to least important, and continue paying as many of these as possible. Bills that should hold the most importance are mortgage or rent, real estate taxes, health insurance, essential utilities, credit cards, car loans, and income taxes. Consulting a financial advisor is also recommended, as they can analyze one's financial situation and give a personalized plan of financial recovery.
Get Credit
A key to any financial future is a healthy credit score. Maintaining an excellent credit rating during divorce is vital, as having a strong credit score will help make financial transactions easier. To protect one's credit, consider converting joint accounts to one name only. Also, find out whose name is on the title of the home by contacting the local county assessor's office. Identity theft is also a concern, as those with access to Social Security numbers, credit cards, and other information can make unauthorized charges, obtain loans or commit tax fraud.
Build your Credit Score
If a low credit score is a concern, don't worry. There are many ways to repair credit. These include paying all bills on time, paying off debt, and not maxing out credit cards. To begin strengthening a credit profile, open checking and saving accounts and apply for a credit card. After a year or so of making regular payments and paying all other bills on time, apply for an installment loan (an auto loan, personal loan, or mortgage, for example). This will almost always raise a credit score.
Plan the Future
In the middle of a divorce, it may seem hard to plan for the immediate future, let alone years ahead. But when the time is right, take a longer-term view of the situation to ensure a solid financial future. Define financial goals. What are the plans for staying in the current house? What about retirement planning - how much has been saved? Re-examine all investments, and don't be afraid to explore alternative career or job options. Taking the time to do this type of divorce financial planning will help immensely.

Financial Planning During a Divorce will make a big Difference
Going through a divorce can be a very difficult time for everyone involved. It's hard on the parents, the kids, and on the finances. But by taking these steps, financial difficulties can be minimized and the best can be made of a pretty bad situation.