Triplets Plus One = Four Times The Fun

My Prediction For The Year Of The Dragon

2012-01-27T05:30:00.000-08:00

The kids did their homework in the car last night on their way over to the Eiffel Tower.

In all the many times we've taken the kids down to the Strip, we've never timed it right to see the fountains at Bellagio until last night. They've only seen it from the car before. They absolutely loved it!

Attracting the Asian tourist is paramount to our economic survival, so Chinese New Year is a pretty big deal on the Strip and since the kids are learning about it this week in school, I thought a trip to the Conservatory at the Bellagio was in order.

I must make a mental note to check the lens of my camera now that the kids take pictures of each other all day long and put their grubby little fingerprints on the lens!

During Chinese New Year, this mosaic mirrored horse is in the lobby of the Bellagio.

It's the Year Of The Dragon, unlike last year when we did this and it was the Year Of The Pouter.

We learned that the in the Chinese zodiac, the dragon is a symbol of success and happiness. I'll take it!

You have to wonder what drunkard caused this sign to be erected? Confucius say, "A drunken fool who falls into garden should lose all his money at the craps table."

The Bellagio never fails to impress me. The display was absolutely beautiful.

We always finish our tour with a stop at the World's Largest Chocolate Fountain at Jean Phillipe.

I could just lay under there with my mouth open.

It's almost too good to look at! I know I could be happy and successful if I had this in my house. I don't even need a dragon.

The kids will finish up the week by eating rice with chopsticks at school.

This is my prediction for the Year Of The Dragon.

Teacher who teaches 22 children to eat rice with chopsticks will have big, big, big, big, big, big mess.

This Changed My Life

2012-01-26T10:51:00.000-08:00

Austin can now jump rope inside a jump rope. Not bad for first grade, eh?

I was telling the P.E teacher yesterday morning, after watching this, that only four short years ago, the neurosurgeon would not give me a definitive answer on whether Austin would ever run, and look at him now.

We had more library book drama last night. Austin didn't have his book in his backpack and he started crying his head off. I swear it went on for an hour. We've decided we aren't going to check out books anymore. I have a stack of public library books sitting to me as I type this, so it really isn't necessary for the kids to go through this craziness at school.

Turns out the book was in his desk at school this morning, so all was well. I keep playing phone tag with the lady I made a complaint with, but I think the best solution for our family is to just stop getting books.

Back on the urban ranch, all my broccoli is starting to flower and we've been eating it every night. The kids are so sick of broccoli right now!

I am really, really disappointed in my broccoli this year. It has a weird taste to it this year that I can't quite explain.

It looks okay, but it almost tastes like it was previously frozen. You know how frozen broccoli just tastes different than fresh?

I decided to make a cream of broccoli soup yesterday.

I used this recipe at Allrecipes.com. You saute onions and then cook the broccoli florets in chicken broth.

Then you get your stick blender and whirl it all up and make a roux with flour and milk and thicken it up.
I have a Cuisinart stick blender that I got this year when my friend Leslie and my friend Laraine both recommended one to me in the comments, and it changed my life.

I seriously have no idea how I lived to be 42 years old without a stick blender. I use it all the time.

The kids took one look at the soup and feigned vomiting. I think I got an accumulative total of seven bites between the four of them.

Greg's mom and I enjoyed it at dinner last night. I made a ham, baked potatoes, cauliflower and carrots, and the soup for dinner, and banana bread for dessert.

Greg didn't get home until 8pm yesterday and he said, "Is that all you made?"

I'm putting Greg on the stage for insubordination and flog him with my stick blender.

This Is Just Between You And You And You And You And Me

2012-01-25T05:30:00.000-08:00

Disclaimer: The following post will have all key Google search words in Pig Latin.

I have fallen into good fortune. Amazing wonderful good fortune.

A couple weeks ago, Bob and I discovered a source for free icken-chay food. A source that is so abundant in my city, it's more plentiful than geriatric gamblers.

It's eer-bay ash-may, which is leftover spent grain from the eer-bay making process. It turns out that it is perfectly suited for icken-chays and is 30 percent protein. In other cities, farmers pay for the spent grain from eweries-bray, but in this city, there's no market for it so they just send it all to the landfill.

Unless you show up with your own containers and they just give it away. My girls love them some eer-bay. We've been feeding it to them for 2 weeks, along with oyster shell, cracked corn, and all my table scraps, and our production is above where it was before we started. Even my old menopausal en-hays popped some out.

The only issue is that it comes wet from the eer-bay making process, so I tried to dry it out to increase the longevity and that didn't work. We discovered that our climate is so dry that it didn't even mold up after a week of being damp, so we figure a weekly run to the ewery-bray will keep us going.

I told Bob this will probably stop working once it gets hot. We'll have roaches the size of rats if we try to dry it out in the summer.

The ash-may is different depending on the type of eer-bay they are making. My girls like pale ale better than stout.

I cannot even begin to tell you how amazing it is to be taking something destined for the landfill and turning it into something we eat every day. We are absolutely geeked beyond words.

You know what this means, right?????? Oh, heck yes. I'm ordering meat icken-chays. There will be some neck yanking in my immediate future.

I'm dreaming big now, ladies. If I can grow all our meat for free, I might be able to put one half of one kid in braces. Are you with me??????

Okay, don't tell anyone or I'll have to run you over with my car. This is just between us.

He Had Me At Hello

2012-01-24T05:30:00.000-08:00

We went to our first orthodontist consultation yesterday. I had zero expectations going into it, other than it would be expensive. I took the girls and we headed over to the appointment. I was referred by my friend Misti. Misti has way, way, way more money than I do, just for the record. Imagine my surprise when we were greeted like rockstars when we walked in to the movie set-like waiting area. The entire office is a beach and sea theme, and Amanda had her name on a surfboard, welcoming her. I guess we even had VIP parking with our name on it. I didn't see it.

We signed in and had our choice of watching a newly released movie on a gigantic flat screen tv, or playing video games. Moments later we were ushered back to a submarine room where they took a full 3D head scan of Amanda. The girls had a choice of two different flavored slushees to make their wait more enjoyable.

Then we were guided through the entire facility where we learned that we could win an iPod if we refer our friends. All our friends already go there, but if I found new friends, we could win lots of super really cool stuff.

Then we went back to the sales room where we went over Amanda's teeth and her skull and her mouth with the doctor and we discussed the type of brackets they use, and the sales lady told us that they have a Hummer, painted like a cheetah, that provides limo service from school to appointments.

I'm not even making that up. I know your husbands think this blog is a work of fiction. But HERE'S THE YOUTUBE VIDEO.

Could I make this stuff up if I tried?

The Hummer limo doesn't go to my school because you have to have three people signed up. Amazingly it goes to the school that Amanda had her jump rope performance at on Friday. I have already found three people at my school who go there, including a child in Sarah and Gregory's class, so if we were to choose this orthodontist I can count gas out of my current cost analysis.

This is how we straighten teeth in Vegas, baby.

I'm going to go head down to the Bellagio and throw it all on red. If I win, Amanda gets the cheetah limo.

I showed Greg the video and he said, "Who are you taking her to? Vanilla Ice?"

"He had me at hello, Greg. He had me at hello.", I said just to annoy him.

Okay, people. Here's how he works. You pay one set price for the whole process and there is no Phase 1 or Phase 2. Whatever it costs to fix them, even if it requires a Phase 2, it is paid for in the one price. If you never need a Phase 2, it still costs the one set price. He uses damon brackets instead of traditional brackets. According to that link, extractions and palatal expanders are not required with damon brackets.

Clearly, I have no idea about anything. I had braces 30 years ago, never wore my retainers, and my bottom teeth are crooked as hell now.

But I figure you, the internet, can weigh in. Has anyone used damon brackets on their kid? How did it work for you?

Did your orthodontist have a Hummer?

I Wouldn't Change A Thing, Except........

2012-01-23T05:30:00.000-08:00

We did not have a backyard birthday bash this year, like every other year. I was reluctant to invite 46 children from their combined classrooms, plus all our triplet friends, and expect people to buy three presents in this bad economy. Plus, the forecast for weather was terrible and we've had one other bad weather birthday when they were three, which piled all the children into my single story 2400 square foot ranch, and I'm still traumatized from it five years later.

So we took the kids to the AdventureDome at Circus Circus on the Strip. We've never done that before because Austin wasn't 48 inches. Austin is exactly 48 inches now.

If you've never been to Vegas, the Circus Circus should have been imploded 20 years ago, like the Dunes. Greg and I were front and center for the Dunes implosion and I'm pretty sure I was poisoned with asbestos. The actual Circus Circus casino is a shitbox of epic proportions. The AdventureDome was built as an addition in the 90s when Vegas gambled on attracting families, only to discover that people with children-in-tow do not gamble and are not money-makers. OOPS!

My sister walked in my house at 10pm on Friday night with my Aunt Pammy. I had no idea she was coming. Nobody tells me anything. She's number 4 and my sister is number 5 on the Sling Shot. My Aunt Pammy is an adrenaline junkie.

Even though all the kids are 48 inches or taller now, they are completely not ready for the big rides requiring 48 inches. The girls would not get on this ride at all. The boys got on it once and that was enough for them.

Gregory went one time on the giant roller coaster.

The girls went one time and Austin bawled his eyes out. There was NO WAY he was getting on the roller coaster. He was scared to death.

This is more his speed.

We tend to forget he's only six. He liked the bumper cars and the little Thomas The Train roller coaster. He lost his other front tooth at basketball practice on Tuesday.

I had so much fun with my sister this weekend. She did all our hair and we lunched together on Saturday while Greg and Calista and my Aunt Pammy ate at a Chinese buffet. Then she took us all to the movies on Saturday night. We saw We Bought A Zoo.

My Aunt Pammy told the guy as he took our eight tickets, "We brought a zoo."

We made a tactical error and ate at the buffet at the Circus Circus. It is by far the worst buffet I have ever eaten at in my entire life and I've lived in Vegas for 19 years and I've been to my share of buffets, let me tell you. My sister literally did not eat one bite of food after paying 15 dollars. She looked around and decided to wait for us in the car. I barely ate anything. That's sixty dollars I will never get back.

The kids' favorite ride was the log ride. They went over and over and over and over again and they were soaking wet on the way home.

They told me that the people behind them on this ride asked them if the girls were twins?

"We're triplets.", Sarah told them.

Then the guy in the brown hat asked Gregory, "If you're triplets, why aren't you wearing pink?"

All in all, it was a good day. It wasn't crowded and the kids seemed to have a really, really fun time. My Aunt Pam went on more rides than all of the rest of us combined.

We went home and had dinner and cake and opened all the presents. I made three cakes on Saturday. A few years ago, someone posted on the Triplet Connection that they were sitting at dinner with their trio and a grown man approached them and told them he was a triplet and did they have any questions for him?

"Is there anything you wish your mother should have done differently?", the triplet mother asked him.

He thought about it and said, "Yeah. I really wish I would have had my own birthday cake."

Sarah

We've done three separate cakes since I read that story.

Amanda

My cake-making skills are not dazzling, but I get it done.

Gregory

Austin was really, really, really upset the night before their birthday. He cried and cried and cried about it at bedtime. He was so upset. It is so hard to be the fourth triplet. I told him over and over that he's very special, too, and he is so lucky that he doesn't have to share his special day with his sibling, or his husband like I do.

We are celebrating his Not Birthday now.

This has been the craziest, hardest, most interesting, fun, and horrible eight years of my life. I wouldn't change a single minute of it.

Except the part where I bought too many toys at the Target sale and now it looks like Target threw up in my house. I'd change that. And I would change the time I forgot the diaper bag in the car and Austin had a giant poop roll out of his shorts and land on the pediatric oncologist's waiting room floor and I scooped it up with paper cups from the water machine. I would change that. But nothing else. My entire life with these kids is an adventure.

Eight Years Ago Today........

2012-01-22T07:18:00.000-08:00

Eight years ago, on a day just like today, Large Marge gave birth to triplets.

They were the happiest babies you ever saw.

Happy Birthday, Gregory, Sarah, and Amanda. I love you guys so much!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Life On The Crazy Train

2012-01-20T21:57:00.000-08:00

I woke up at 5am, got totally ready, and was at Sam's Club at 7am, before the children and Greg even woke up. The children's birthday is on Sunday and they requested I get Sam's Club cookies for treats for their class to celebrate their birthday.

Not my cookies. They wanted Sam's Club cookies that their Dad gets them. Did you guys know that Sam's Club has a Cookie Club and if your children go to the bakery, they give them free cookies? I didn't. I had no idea every single time Greg left with the children in his van, they were dining at the bakery at Sam's Club.

I can't remember which child ratted out their father to me, but I am on to him now.

Then I went home and woke Greg and the children up so we could get to the school at 8am for the annual Dads and Donuts event. The second graders perform at this event every year, so the kids were super excited about being in the performance.

Since only 10 people in the entire school do all the work, the ten of us had put the whole cafeteria together the day before. It was not my idea to have the kids draw on rocks, however it kept the 522 children from running around in circles so I was pleased.

Amanda has her first orthodontist appointment on Monday. Pray for me.

Until it was over and none of the children took the rocks with them, and I had to collect all the rocks in buckets and haul them out of the school. That's why I didn't have time to blog this morning. I was hauling rocks.

Now that I'm writing this post, I should have left them in there to stone the librarian.

That issue is still unresolved. I missed the phone call from the person I made a complaint to because I was working at the school.

The nine ladies and I were standing in the back of the cafeteria watching the men eat their donuts. We're all in our forties, have a lot of children, and have been married or with our significant others, for a minimum of twenty years.

"Look at them.", one of the mothers said about the room full of quiet men, "They don't even talk to each other. They're like zombies."

Then another mother said, "If I had to do it all over again, I'd be a lesbian."

Then we all started laughing like hyenas and went and served our men more donuts.

The kids sung, Lean On Me, and it was absolutely adorable. Ohmygosh, bless their tone deaf hearts. One of these days, I'll figure out how to take a video on my camera that isn't blurry. But since you can't actually see anyone, I can share it!

Even when I have to put up with a psychotic librarian and germs and homework until my eyes bleed, the positive so far outweighs the negative. I just love all those kids. The kids truly love their school, even with all its warts and pimples and tyrants.

Then I ran home and cleaned the entire house because my sister is coming tonight. Just in time. My hair has turned gray and I ran out of all my magic elixirs and potions she sells to the rich women in Scottsdale, and my face is turning into crepe paper, and I've aged 5 years in 30 days. We are all in desperate need of haircuts and maintenance. She has me putting five different things on my face every day now. Two more things since I wrote that post I linked in 2008. It's entirely possible that if I ever run totally out, my face will just disintegrate.

Then I ran back to the school to follow Amanda's school bus to her jump rope performance. It was all the way across town in what I thought was a really bad area. Think east Bonanza, Las Vegans.

I was really surprised that the school was super clean and the kids were all so well-behaved. I told the principal on my way out that I thought she was doing a superb job.

I am soooooooo glad I chose Amanda for the jump rope team. She really, really needed something apart from her siblings.

Austin and Gregory had their first basketball game tonight. Sarah didn't play because she's still coughing. She's missed the first two practices!!! She's finally on the upswing so I expect she'll be back in the game next week. This is the first time ever in the history of the S household that only one child has been sick. This has thrown my universe completely out of whack.

Austin's BFF is on the team and I get to sit next to our PTA president and gab the entire game in a climate- controlled environment. There is no gale force wind, rain, stifling heat and no lugging chairs a mile from the car, like soccer. I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE basketball. Basketball ROCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Even Gregory and Sarah's teacher came to watch the game. She's taught three of my friend's five children so it was like a big reunion for all of us.

AND WE WON!!!!! We won our first game ever!!!! We didn't even tie. We WON.

We have a seven foot tall kid on our team, who is not pictured above, but who cares, WE WON! That's right, baby. The Giant Man Boy made every darn basket and finally we got on a winning team. We're WINNERS.

Put a fork in me, I'm done for today. This crazy train is going into birthday mode next.

I'm On The Warpath Today

2012-01-19T06:44:00.000-08:00

Sarah went to school yesterday despite my assurance that she could stay home if she wanted. This child is the epitome of responsibility. Her work ethic is phenomenal and she never, ever, ever wants to miss school. I made sure she understood that if she started feeling poorly in the afternoon that I would have no problem coming to get her.

At 2:20pm my phone rang. It was her teacher calling me on her personal cellphone. For reasons she didn't understand, Sarah had started crying hysterically and gotten herself into such a coughing fit, she was bright red. She told me she was sending her to the nurse and she wanted me to come down to the school and get her. I told her no problem. I love living one block away from school.

When I got to school, the nurse told me Sarah was having a panic attack and it was causing her coughing fit.

"That child needs an Atavan. What's going on?", the nurse asked me.

I had no idea what was going on. One minute I was folding laundry, the next minute I was at school. So I got her in the car and drove home and told her not to worry about missing the last hour of school. She was only missing library.

That's when it came out that she had forgotten her library book at home.

And then the whole world made sense.

She was SO TERRIFIED OF THE LIBRARIAN that she had an actual panic attack over forgetting her library book.

What is that woman doing to the children that she has made them so afraid of her, Sarah would have an actual clinical panic attack over a library book?

I know I've picked up a lot of new readers lately, so a recap of the librarian is that she is a psychotic bitch who hates children and if they are one day late on their library book, she makes them sit on the stage in front of all their classmates in the cafeteria to publicly humiliate them at lunchtime for detention. If you are late with your library book, you are publicly humiliated for it. And, yes, she's still doing it, despite my meeting with her and the principal at the beginning of the year.

She's the one also in charge of the lunchroom and makes the children clean the lunchroom instead of having recess. She also started making the children throw away their uneaten food, rather than put it back in their lunchboxes for later. I never even blogged about that drama a few months ago. Hello, that's chicken food. We don't throw out uneaten food away because I feed it to my chickens!!!! I was pissed.

So I called the nurse back and told her why Sarah was so upset. Her own daughter goes to school there as well and is also terrified of the librarian.

The nurse was SHOCKED. She said she's never seen a child as distraught as Sarah and she said there is no way I should let this go. She will go with me to the principal, she said.

So I'm on the warpath today,

I'm going to go kick some librarian ass. This lady needs to be put in her place. If a good kid like Sarah is that afraid of her, what is she doing to the "bad" kids???

For The Love Of God, Could Someone Just Raise My Taxes?

2012-01-18T05:30:00.000-08:00

My poor, dear Sarah is terribly ill with something that isn't contagious because nobody else in our house is sick, yet Sarah has been sick for eight days. I picked her up at school at lunchtime and took her to the doctor yesterday because eight days is seven days too long to be sick.

Our doctor said she sounded wheezy and gave her antibiotics. She's run a low grade temperature off and on since last week, and finally presented with a dry cough two days ago, which is the only symptoms she's had. I'm not one to jump on antibiotics right away, but since none of the rest of us are sick, despite close contact with the whole family and the gazillion other people who have been living in my flop house, I don't think it's viral. I'm thinking it has to be a bacterial infection after this long. Unless she's had back-to-back viruses, which is a possibility in that cesspool they go to school in. But if it's viruses, why aren't we all getting it?

This is how I talk to myself in my mind.

So when I went to get her out of the lunchroom, I was there just in time to hear the announcement of the Pouch Brigade, a new fundraiser and recycling program the school is putting on.

The Pouch Brigade is sponsored by Satan, I mean Kraft, and it's allegedly a "recycling" program where you collect all the used Capri Suns and mail them to Kraft to "recycle" them and Kraft gives your school 2 cents for each one.

Ohmygolly, isn't that fantastic?

Except the packaging Capri Sun comes in isn't recyclable. Why?

CAPRI SUN pouches are polyester-reverse side printed to aluminum then laminated to polyethylene (a plastic polymer). Unfortunately, this packaging is not recyclable.

This guy explains it so much better than I can.

Kraft makes 5 billion dollars a year selling Capri Suns. For a few pennies, they will pretend they support schools and the environment so you buy more of their garbage toxic drinks. Who doesn't want a purse or dress made out of a slimy used drink pouch?

Between the Capri Suns, Box Tops, and Cambell's Soup labels, my brain exploded yesterday. Can you imagine a world where we just funded our schools at a suitable level so it wasn't necessary to try and get money through all these ridiculous corporate gimmicks?

The other three kids came home yesterday and said, "Moooooooom. Mooooooooom. Moooooooom. We need to go buy Capri Suns so our school gets money."

Can someone just raise my goddamn taxes and leave me alone? HUH?????!!!!!!!!!!!! Can I just send a check somewhere to make it stop????????????????????????!!!!!!!!!!!

I got my new glasses yesterday. If I wear my reading glasses over them and close my right eye, I can almost see my computer screen. I tried to sweep the floor wearing them yesterday and it was like I was in the space shuttle and I had this long, long broom that went all the way to Earth where my little tiny floor was at. Then I got dizzy and almost threw up and had to take them off.

I bet if I can get used to them, this would suddenly look good to me.

Or maybe not??????

I Will Work For Food

2012-01-17T09:10:00.000-08:00

I got a job and begin in the middle of February. I'd love to tell you what I'm doing, but I had to sign a confidentiality agreement because large corporations don't want you to know that they allow telecommuting. For 30 days, Greg will have to get up, get the kids dressed, fed, their lunches packed, and take them to school.

He was like, "WHAT?"

And I was like, "Dude, you've been harping on me to bring in some money. Did you think that wouldn't put a damper on your lifestyle?"

Whoa to the pepper, Austin!

So in anticipation of Greg being in charge of breakfasts and the children eating Pop Tarts and Frosted Flakes for a month, I taught them how to cook their own eggs.

Can you imagine the drama that will be involved with Greg getting the kids to school for a month? This should be good, people!

Anyway, my main motivation for making some money is so I can join my CSA (community supported agriculture) again and be able to cover our grocery expenses.

I will work for food.

You Can Groupon Anything

2012-01-16T07:25:00.000-08:00

During Thanksgiving dinner last night, yes we had the whole turkey spread, the men conveyed that they went nightclubbing with a Groupon.

"You went clubbing on a Groupon?", I died laughing.

How old are you if you are going to nightclubs in Vegas with a Groupon?

For $59 they went on a shuttle bus with a stripper pole, where they started at the Deuce Lounge in Aria. Then they went to the 25,000 square foot nightclub, Haze, in the Aria. Then they got on the shuttle bus and it took them to LAX in the Luxor. Then they got back in the shuttle and went to Pure at Caesar's.

They didn't have to pay cover or wait in line at any of the clubs, they just walked right in. And the shuttle bus had alcohol on it, so Greg said he didn't even buy the $15 drinks in the club.

Someone on the bus told them, "I feel like I'm hanging out with my dad."

"Your dad must be really cool then.", Marc answered.

Greg said that all the women who wore really high heels couldn't even walk at the end of the night. Their feet were trashed, bright red, and had blisters all over them.

Another girl told the guys, "I'm half your age."

"Oh, we're way older than that!", they told her.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, the kids have been playing and playing and playing and playing.

They all get along so well! Marc is a divorced dad with three girls and lives in Scottsdale with another divorced dad with three girls. The girls are all in cheer, which makes the men Cheer Dads. Can you imagine???? Six girls????????? He had the house we stayed in that had the trampoline in the living room.

The girls seem so happy and well-adjusted and loving, so it appears that it all worked out for them and I'm so happy about that.

Now I must go start the breakfast buffet as nobody is going home yet.

If they stayed much longer, I'd seriously consider the trampoline in the house as a viable option. Maybe there's a Groupon for one.

I'll Bring My Own Lifeboat If I Have To

2012-01-15T07:11:00.000-08:00

Remember when my 12 day Mediterranean cruise was aborted on the first day because the rudder broke on the Celebrity Century and the captain could not steer the boat?

And remember how everybody on the ship was freaking out like it was the end of the world? And I kept saying it could have been worse? Here were my exact words on October 15, 2010:

I hate to point out the obvious, but we could have broken down AT SEA. AND DIED.

We booked our airline tickets to Venice last week for our next Mediterranean cruise this year, so as you can imagine, given my past experience being on broken ships and then the news of the sunken Costa Concordia yesterday means I was glued to the news coverage all day yesterday. Ohmygosh. Our experience could have been so much worse!

It certainly gives pause to how important it is to be aware of your escape route and plan on a ship, doesn't it?

I immediately went to the forums over at Cruise Critic to see what actual, real passengers were saying. Cruise Critic is the place to go to get first hand accounts ahead of the media coverage. When I was on our broken ship, my post on Cruise Critic and Tweets were how some travel agents were updating their clients as to what was happening. Here is one harrowing tale from someone that was on the ship.

In between gasping at the news coverage, I was feeding and taking care of seven children while the menfolk were out dining and nightclubbing last night. I made a big pot of stew and biscuits and salad.

I told the men when they left, "Do not call me at 4am. I am not waking up to come get your sorry drunk asses. Call a cab or stay in your room."

The children were literally climbing the walls

They had a hotel room at the Aria and they are not here this morning, so I guess they must have stayed the night rather than call me. Greg drunk butt dialed me at 12:30am and I could hear them all laughing and the club music in the background.

Now I must go fulfill my dream of being a short order cook at Denny's and feed the children and the drunk fools breakfast today. And lunch. And dinner. And breakfast again tomorrow.

This is how loud my house is right now.

I'm going on that goshdarn cruise to Greece even if I have to bring my own inflatable lifeboat.

I WILL Kick You Out If I Have To

2012-01-14T06:10:00.000-08:00

I was mistaken when I thought the kids would be doing jump rope practice for eight weeks. Ha ha! Nope. It's twelve weeks, which will surely encompass the season of Wind.

Remember the little girl whose father had a heart attack before school started and I was bringing meals to her mother? He died last month. He was 48 years old. The mom has three kids in our elementary school. In all seriousness, when I read those crazy blogs where they are only raising the girls to be homemakers, what do these people do when the father DIES? Does anyone think about this stuff? I do. If Greg died, I am more than capable of working and supporting this family. I'm still a licensed insurance agent. But if your daughter has only been raised to be a homemaker, what would she do to support her family if her husband died? Or left her? That's truly scary stuff.

Greg's BFF, college roommate, fellow teammate, and life partner is in Vegas and staying with us. His sixteen year old son is here for football camp.

Little Scott, the sixteen year old, took one of our cars and drove himself to football camp. Then after camp, he drove over to Circus Circus and went to the Adventure Dome with his friends from camp.

"You have a sixteen year old driving our car around on the Strip on a Friday night? Are you insane?", I asked Greg.

Then Big Scott said, "He drives all over Chicago by himself. I'm sure he can handle Vegas."

So I let that sink in a bit and realized that when I was sixteen, I had a car, a job, went to school, and drove all over Phoenix by myself. How refreshing to be around a family who is raising their children to be independent and capable. I did wait up until Little Scott got home, though. I see a lot of that in my future.

We have more company arriving today. Another former college roommate and his three daughters.

SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I heard Big Scott, Greg's clone, telling my kids yesterday, "If you ever don't want to eat what your mom is making, tell her you have diarrhea."

The kids were laughing hysterically.

I just want you guys to know, I'll kick all these damn football players out of my house if I have to.

If I'm Going Out, I'm Going Out BIG

2012-01-13T05:30:00.000-08:00

I hit the ground running at 5am yesterday in anticipation of being at Target at precisely 8am. When I told Greg he had to take the kids to school, he was confused and belligerent since he NEVER takes the kids to school. In Michele's Assisted Living Home, he's not required to do that. Matters were further complicated because Sarah has been sick for three days with a fever and loss of appetite. My sources at school indicate the children have been spewing vomit like volcanoes, so I'm fairly certain it's an intestinal virus. I don't think she's vomiting like the other kids because I give them probiotics every day. So she had to stay home.

I immediately went to the Target I've been going to for the past 5 (?) years. Every single year I run into the same four ladies who buy the clearance toys for a shelter for abused and abandoned children, or so they say, lying Ebay resalers, so I wanted to try and get there before them. I literally ran through the store with my cart and NONE OF THE TOYS WERE MARKED DOWN and the ladies weren't there.

OHMYGOD. WHAT HAPPENED????

So I got in the car and zoomed over to the other Target I always hit and this horrible, horrible, horrible man had two flatbeds and took ALL THE TOYS. He was clearly another resaler. GAWD. I wanted to knee him in his man parts.

As if that wasn't enough to give me a coronary, one of the Mormon moms from preschool was there and she had gotten a huge stash before me for her giant clan of children. Ohmygod, I realized, I told her about the sale three years ago. Why did I do that???????????????????

So then I got back in the car and zoomed over to another Target I used to hit back when the kids were in preschool and I hit the jackpot. I am done for the whole year now. I've got their birthday covered, Austin's birthday in June covered, and all my friend's kid's birthdays for the year covered.

$1200 worth the toys for $300.

This stuff is worth exactly what I paid for it because it's all crap.

I would never ever ever pay retail for this plastic crap.

I figure this is our last year of the kids even liking or wanting these kinds of toys, so if I'm going out, I'm going out BIG.

I will pass the torch on to those of you who go behind me. Godspeed. ladies. Watch out for those nasty resalers and learn from my mistakes. Don't tell the Mormons about the sale. Only tell people with one child.

What Real Grown Up Already Raised Homemakers Do All Day

2012-01-12T05:30:00.000-08:00

Michele

While I'm cursing the Target Gods, I curse Amy for pointing me to this crazy blog yesterday. Curses to you Amy. http://raisinghomemakers.com/

Raising Homemakers

raisinghomemakers.com

Teaching and preparing our daughters in the art of homemaking

· · Share · 7 hours ago

- Michele Whilst cleaning rooms yesterday, I was thinking about the importance of doing every chore, task, and duty with great dignity, strength and neatness… Cleaning bathrooms, kitchens, bedrooms ironing shirts, drying dishes and folding clothes should not be tasks we are trying to get done quickly, sloppily or in a rush. Rather think of each chore with delight…
  
  7 hours ago ·
- Michele Who writes this stuff? ROBOTS?????????????????
  
  7 hours ago · · 1
- Laura That's some crazy stuff right there!
  
  7 hours ago ·
- Kari The best part of that blog is it's written by many different people, so you get the full range of crazy.
  
  7 hours ago · · 1
- Kris I'm so screwed.
  
  7 hours ago · · 1
- Michele I liked their FB page just to get a little dose of it each day.
  
  7 hours ago · · 1
- Kari I've been subscribing to it for awhile now. There are some good tips for large families sometimes.
  
  7 hours ago ·
- Michele Do you follow the advice, whilst humming?
  
  7 hours ago · · 2
- Kari Wait, I'm supposed to hum? Dammit!
  
  7 hours ago ·
- Michele Yes, while wearing your crisply ironed white apron over your frumper.
  
  7 hours ago · · 2
- Kimberly Michele, when I saw your first comment, I thought...did michele go crazy?
  
  7 hours ago · · 1
- Maija I think I will gather my fellow Eskimos and write one called, "Creating Savages, who will survive the end of the world." And my first post will be about using every part of a Caribou, even it's penis. Because if you waste anything, you'll die. :)
  
  7 hours ago · · 6
- Stephanie I started reading it yesterday while I was waiting for a kid at the eye doctor. I couldn't take it.
  
  6 hours ago ·
- Kevin Maija, I butcher my own deer when I hunt in the fall and have NO IDEA what you use the penis for... will you enlighten me?
  
  6 hours ago ·
- Amy Anything to help take away more of your free time.
  
  6 hours ago · · 1
- Michele Yes, Maija . Please enlighten us on the use of caribou penis, whilst you?.
  
  6 hours ago · · 1
- Jennie Oh wow! Michele! I thought that first comment of yours was a joke. It's actually a quote directly from the blog! Let me tell you, I cleaned up cat vomit with delight this morning.
  
  6 hours ago · · 2
- Jennie The author of that gem is actually a 19-year-old "homemaker-in-training"
  
  6 hours ago · · 1
- Michele Wait until she's 42, like me, and wants to take a screwdriver and shove it in her ear whilst scrubbing toilets.
  
  6 hours ago · · 4
- Maija Duh, it's just a piece of meat like anything else, you EAT IT. :) Kinda similar to Rocky Mountain Oysters right?! We even eat the Bone Marrow. :)
  
  6 hours ago ·
- Kari I would like an autographed copy of Maija's book, please. (maybe they use the penis blood for ink)
  
  5 hours ago · · 1
- Kari Michele's Word of the Day: "whilst"
  
  5 hours ago ·
- Maija Nah, we bleed them first. Penis' don't bleed when they're cut off correctly. Just ask John Bobbit. :)
  
  5 hours ago · · 2
- Maija OK Michele, I have been sneakily reading the homestead revival and seriously, everything she says (minus the cleaning part and not drinking) is what we already do up here. "buy in bulk. Get a freezer. Plan meals ahead." So, I'm not getting this "AHAAAA" moment when I realize that living that way is going to greater my chances of life in heaven! hahaha.
  
  5 hours ago · · 1
- Michele Do not make me start reading another one, Maija. Do. not. There are not enough hours in the day.
  
  5 hours ago ·
- Maija Read it. You'll be wearing an apron and making your own ketchup in NO time!
  
  4 hours ago ·
- Kari link plz!!!
  
  4 hours ago ·
- Maija http://homesteadrevival.blogspot.com/ DO IT! :)
  
  4 hours ago ·
- Kari I will as soon as Michele gives me a review. :P
  
  4 hours ago ·
- Grace Whatever these women are drinking, I'd like some please.
  
  3 hours ago ·
- Grace Ok, my oldest is yelling he clogged the toilet. I'm off to do that chore with dignity and joy because it was the reason God put me in this earth.
  
  3 hours ago · · 3
- Gary Might I suggest that you ladies spend a little more time beer fetching and samich making, and a little less time blog reading?
  
  2 hours ago · · 2

Public School is FREE?

2012-01-11T06:12:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was group picture day. Not to be confused with individual picture day, group picture day is a completely separate day designed to soak you out of more money.

I needed three envelopes with exactly nine dollars in each one yesterday morning. Up until now, I've only had to buy one group picture of my trio, and scan two. Now that they are in separate classrooms, I'm screwed. I realized at 5:45am yesterday that I was out of checks.

After I filled two envelopes up with coins, I told Greg I needed him to write a check for $9.

I normally don't even tell him about all this little extra stuff because it takes years off his life.

"Nine dollars for WHAT?", he bellowed at me.

I told him. It was not a good decision.

'You're giving that school TWENTY SEVEN DOLLARS? Didn't you just donate all the crafts and gloves for the cafeteria and give gift cards to all the teachers and buy the kids pizza lunches for the PTA and buy all those stupid ceramic ornaments? What do they want from us? Our retirement?", he screamed at me.

"Can I have the nine dollars or do I have to break into the kids' piggy banks?"

I got the nine dollars.

Public school is not free. I can only hope to keep at least two in the same classroom so Greg doesn't have a heart attack.

Now I've got to rush and get ready to go volunteer at school for the next eight weeks for the jump rope performance the kids put on at the annual pasta night dinner.

You know, the dinner where I go buy 20 pounds of pasta, cook it, then buy it back.

Looking For A Natural Cure For Blindness

2012-01-10T05:30:00.000-08:00

After not being able to see the directions at Home Depot on Saturday, I decided I was long overdue for an eye exam. Not just because I can't see up close. I also can't see far away. Or mid-range. Or at night. So it was time.

We don't have vision insurance, so I drove over to Sam's Club optical. I think this would be a fine option for people who have moderately bad eyesight. I do not have moderately bad eyesight. I am blind. This is probably not the best option for me, but I did it anyway.

Once I was inside, they asked me where I've been for three years?

Has it really been three years? WOW!

The doctor greeted me and asked me to take out my contacts and I made sure I knew where he wanted me to go because I cannot see at all when my contacts are out. In fact, I only ever take them out to throw them away. I haven't owned glasses in about a decade.

So it turns out that my vision is now 20/1475. Perfect is 20/20. I'm a -13 contact. He told me that I am at the end of wearing disposable contacts. I've maxed out in disposables. He said I could try a minus 12, undercorrecting to maintain some close up vision, and if that doesn't work for me, I've got to switch to a toric contact lens which is way more expensive than my current ones.

I called Greg freaking out and he said, "You should get a job before you go blind."

Now I think I should make another examination for a second opinion.

I asked the doctor if I could get a bifocal lens like my friend Leslie suggested and he started laughing and said, "We don't make those for people like you."

Then I ordered my very first glasses in 10 years. The lady told me to make sure I pick plastic frames so they might hide some of the thickness of my 20/1475 lenses.

How bad could they be?????????

Does anyone have a natural cure for blindness??????

Lunatic Watch 2012: The Crazy Train Is Leaving The Station

2012-01-09T05:30:00.000-08:00

It's time for my annual Lunatic Watch. Last year when I did my Lunatic Watch post and talked about this homeschooling, homo-hating, fundamentalist blogger, who thinks people who do IVF like to kill fetuses, I ended up reading her blog regularly.

Look. You are allowed to be a lunatic if you can point me to good deals on organic food. I give free passes for food knowledge.

This year's Lunatic Watch will highlight the MckMama train wreck. Do you guys read her? Fess up. Who reads her hater blog more? Did you guys know that all the big bloggers have hater blogs? The Pioneer Woman has like two or three hater blogs. Pie Near Woman. Pioneer Woman Sux. Big bloggers have haters. If you try and make money from your blog, you will have haters. It just goes with the territory.

Although not all bloggers have to be monetizing to have haters. Like Zsuzsanna, the blogger I highlighted last year, has a lot of haters, which also comes with the territory when you have a very controversial husband and lifestyle, I suppose. I just thought she was a lunatic, but when I wrote about her, her haters found my blog post. I'm not afraid to point this out because I don't think Zsuzsanna actually cares about her haters. She's wearing her big girl long john panties.

Interestingly, in MckMama's case, she actually has more haters than she has followers. If it wasn't for her haters, her blog would be just one more boring Christian Homeschooling Mommy Blog. Her haters fuel her very existence and have been the key to her success. Her hater blog regularly gets more than 1000 comments per post.

I started reading her 2 years ago when someone linked her blog in one of my triplet mom support groups. They linked her because she was an expert on parenting and marriage and we should all heed her advice. I shit you not. I literally read her blog for 30 seconds and knew instantly that she was a crackpot. This was about 10 seconds into her post about her husband beating her and how if she was a better, more submissive wife, God would change him.

When I was done wiping up the vomit on my laptop, I ripped the triplet mom who linked her drivel a new asshole. Then 50 of my closest triplet mom friends and I dove into her archives and kept ourselves busy during naptime for months. We LAUGHED AND LAUGHED AND LAUGHED at the stupidity and outright lies and insanity. I am not kidding when I say it was like our soap opera entertainment.

If you don't know who she is, nor have never read her blog, her claim to fame was a sick child who was healed by God from her blog reader's prayers. If that was the end of the story, it would have ended well. Unfortunately, she milked her blog readers out of money and gift cards and hotel rooms, all the while living high on the hog. At the height of her success, she raked in almost 174,000 from an ad contract with BlogHer and other business ventures. Blogher severed their business relationship due to plagiarism.

After the plagiarism, she wrote many blog posts about social conservatism, fiscal responsibility, family values, the Tea Party, Jesus, and socialism. Her haters uncovered the fact she's foreclosed on not one, but two homes, and is currently listing her third home on her bankruptcy paperwork. She stopped making payments on her Cadillac Escalade. She racked up thousands of dollars on her unpaid credit cards, failed to pay her IRS taxes, owing the government more than 100,000 dollars at one point, and then spent all summer RVing around the country without health insurance, where she visited ERs, totaling almost 100,000 dollars in unpaid medical bills.

So let me spell it out for you if you are unclear why she has haters. She's a H.Y.P.O.C.R.I.T.E. People hate hypocrites and liars and people who cheat the system and always seem to get away with it.

MckMama filed bankruptcy late last year with more than 700,000 dollars in liabilities. She went from living in a half million dollar home to living in a bug-infested old farmhouse to show how poor she is. I looked at the filing provided on her hater blog and I skimmed it for less than two minutes and realized she was failing to disclose her PayPal account, her commission from affiliate links, all the money she takes in from photography sessions and online classes, and most of her assets, which are well documented on her blog. One of the triplet moms I know works for a bankruptcy attorney and all of us looked at the bankruptcy filing, which we discussed at dinner last week, and none of us could believe the blatant fraud. This is still our soap opera, two years later.

So here is my prediction for 2012 and this year's Lunatic Watch. MckMama is going to have some serious legal trouble and I don't think I'm too off base to suggest I would not be surprised if she is arrested and spends time in jail for tax evasion and fraud. What does this mean for her five kids? I don't know. It doesn't look good. She has a hearing today. Somebody better point me to some new crazy because this crazy train is leaving the station.

Home Depot Traumatized Me

2012-01-08T07:42:00.000-08:00

Greg has been taking the kids to the monthly Kid's Workshop at Home Depot for almost four years. For the record, I have never once participated. I hate Home Depot. I walk in there and my brain shuts down. I also don't build stuff and I am totally inept at putting hammer to nail. I don't do assembly, woodwork, hammering, screwing stuff together, painting, plumbing, yardwork, electrical rewiring, or sewer routing in my marriage. In return, Greg does not scrub toilets, change bedsheets, mop, or feed people.

This works for me.

Greg was busy yesterday, which happened to be Building Day at Home Depot and all the kids knew it was the first Saturday of the month.

"But DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAD, it's Building Day.", they cried in unison.

"Your mother will take you.", he told them.

I'm sorry, what???????

Please refer to the sentence that says I do not do assembly, woodwork, hammering, or screwing.

Have you guys done this with your kids? I don't have pictures of the actual assembly area, but Home Depot puts a piece of wood on two 5 gallon paint buckets on the floor and you are supposed to crouch or sit on the cement floor while hammering. So my kids grabbed four hammers and screwdrivers, went to the board, and immediately ripped open the packages that all the wood pieces and nails and screws came in, and they rolled away forever into the abyss. This happened before I even got the directions out or started crouching. Not that I could see the directions when I found them. They were printed for people who can see up close, not for women who are 42 and in denial about reading glasses.

See the lady painting her child's project for him? Control Freak!

Then they all started hammering and using wood glue while I crawled around on the floor looking for parts. The lady next to me was yelling at her kid. She had ONE kid and she was yelling at him. When I get in situations like this, I get this weird fake smile and sing song voice, so I appear to be on drugs.

While I tried to read the directions and help Sarah with the assembly, the other three nailed and glued all the wrong parts together, requiring me to have to tear theirs apart and hammer nails out backward, which were already permanently cemented in wood glue.

I am actually psychologically damaged from the outing.

Sarah started crying because her nails were all crooked. When Dad does it with her, her nails are perfect. I had left her to do her own roof so I could move on to Austin. I told her they looked fine to me which caused her to cry harder. I didn't have time to claw those out because I had to tear Gregory's house apart. He had the wrong sides nailed together.

So right in the middle of that, a lady who I haven't seen since storytime at the library, approached me with her five singleton children and wanted to know what I've been doing for the last four years? I had given her sleep advice once, back when I knew everything.

I can tell you what I haven't been doing the last four years. I haven't been building wood objects, that's for sure. Imagine my surprise when her five children were done before us? What???????????????

So, anyway, this is what they look like when I take the children.

I had an epiphany yesterday afternoon that Greg must do the building FOR THEM. The crafts are perfect when he comes home with them. He must be like those mothers in preschool who do the crafts FOR the kids because they are such control freaks. You know who you are.

When we were walking out with out soaking wet, crooked house/banks, the kids said, "Now let's go to Lowe's!!!!"

Uh, NO.

I immediately went home and made my own vanilla extract, which requires one cup of vodka. The vodka was for the vanilla extract, not me, and that's the story I'm sticking with.

Hands Off The Produce!

2012-01-07T07:46:00.000-08:00

My produce haul from Bountiful Baskets this morning.

Green monkey loves bananas.

And his friend Gray Monkey.

"Don't play with the produce, you guys!!!!!!!"

Greg hates when there is anything on the counters. He wants the counters totally clutter-less.

Oops! Sorry, man.

I Will Hate You For $7

2012-01-06T09:45:00.000-08:00

I've been stalking Target to figure out when the toy sale starts and stumbled on 70 percent off kids' shoes yesterday. This made me so giddy, I nearly hyperventilated and passed out. Sarah, Gregory, and Austin start basketball today and I needed high tops for Sarah and Gregory. I immediately alerted the other triplet moms because we stick together on clearance items. Unless your kid has the same size feet as mine, then I will stomp on you and chew your arm off.

For the life of me, I could not remember the kids' sizes. So I left and drove to school, parked outside the chain link fence on the playground and waited for the kids to come out to recess for lunch.

"What size are your shoes?", I screamed from the car.

Sarah and Gregory's teacher yelled back.

"Are shoes on sale again???"

She's on to me.

Amanda and Austin are 1s. Gregory is a 2. Sarah is a 3.

Check it out! Seven pair of shoes for $48!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I got their basketball shoes for $7.

Sarah is wearing boy high tops which match Gregory and he wants to die from this. I exchanged his black laces for white laces so nobody would know that he and Sarah have the same shoes. I used my very best persuasion skills on him, like "You're going to be on the same team and wear the same uniform anyway.", but obviously I hate him. I will hate you for $7.

Last night was my monthly triplet mom dinner. Indra-Kay actually made it out!

When Indra-Kay was my mother's helper, she showed up every week with different colored hair. I think the kids learned their colors by identifying her new hair. So when I discovered she shaved the sides of her head and is occasionally wearing the top in a Mohawk, I texted her.

"What in God's name did you do to your hair? Is your mother shitting herself?"

Then I texted my triplet mom friend Joselle and said, "K.i.n.d.r.a has a Mohawk now. Brace yourself because I will kick you under the table."

You should see Joselle's facial expressions. I've had to kick her more than once.

Indra-Kay is a rebel. She's always been a rebel. She will always be a rebel. Only a rebel would adopt three babies on purpose, right?????

Anyway, she did not sport the Mohawk for me and I didn't have to kick Joselle. Dang it! She said the babies were yanking on her hair so much, so shaved it off. I remember those days!!!!!!! There are no words to express how adorable those toddlers are. It pains me that I cannot share pictures. PAINS ME. They are all doing so well and they are so cute. She is just the best mom to those babies. She is so informed and on top of everything. It is impressive.

Okay, that's all I've got today. I'm off to conquer more shoe aisles before the other triplet moms take my sizes.

S Is For Snottiness

2012-01-05T06:16:00.001-08:00

Sarah wrote the most adorable tribute to her grandmother. How cute is this? I actually asked her if someone wrote it for her because I had never seen such nice handwriting from her. She said she made it extra special for her Grammy because she loves her so much.

I'm so glad I have physical evidence of how adorable Sarah is because I am on a major crackdown with her snotty attitude.

Greg told her to get in the shower last night. She didn't listen. I told her to get in the shower.

"I HEARD you!", she said, like a snot.

Now repeat that scenario about 10 times a day.

Sarah and Amanda are both exhibiting snottiness that makes me want to smack them. I am not accepting any snottiness. I am shutting it down immediately and sending them to their rooms. I don't argue or go down to their level like I see so many parents do with their children. People should not be arguing with their children. If they say one word to me that sounds snotty, off they go to their room where they are instructed to think about a correct response. Sarah is by far the worst offender of the bunch, but Amanda is right behind her and I can see that my work will be cut out for me in the future with these girl children.

Is this the next lovely stage of parenting??????????

Give me some pointers, gals. I'm getting my game face on.

Eating Dirt Is Better For You Than Breakfast Cereal

2012-01-04T10:07:00.000-08:00

The following pictorial will illustrate my temper during our 3 hour homework session last night.

I forgot how much homework consumes our lives until school starts again. I really, really feel for those of you who work all day, then come home and deal with homework with your children. You must be insane.

I have good news in this New Year about Indra-Kay and the babies. It has almost been an entire year since Indra-Kay, my former mother's helper, began f.o.s.t.e.r.ing six week old b/g/b triplets. Just to touch base, she still has them. They are toddlers now! They are all cruising the furniture.

The odyssey of fostering-to-adoption is still an ongoing process but the b.i.r.t.hparents did finally sign off their parental rights and now they just have to finalize the adoption, which will still take several months. She is actually hoping it is done by next Christmas. Sorry, I was unable to blog or update on them until that process was completed. But I assure you that they are doing GREAT!

Indra-Kay has lived through the first year of having triplets and she has survived! I am so proud of her!!! You are forever changed by living through the first year with three babies.

I'm also happy to report that our little community of triplet moms and friends and even strangers have pulled together for Don and Laura and they are set up for meals for January. Even my neighbor Jo brought them a meal and groceries yesterday. Laura texted me and said how wonderful and generous Jo was. She couldn't believe how lucky I am to have such a great neighbor. '

I've been saying that FOR YEARS.

The kids came home from school yesterday, where they learned about nutrition, and said, "Mom. You need to go buy Cheerios and Raisin Bran because they are good for you."

"No, they aren't. They are less bad for you than other even worse choices. NO cereal is good for you.", I told them.

You guys know this stuff, right? ALL cereal is bad for you. Click here if you want to know why if you are a novice. Click here if you want to truly understand how dangerous processed grains are once they have been exposed to the extrusion process in food processing. I especially like the rat study where the rats that were fed the box the cornflakes came in, lived longer than the rats who ate the actual cornflakes.

I don't buy cereal and we don't eat it. Greg will occasionally bring home a box of crap and the kids will eat it, but it's not something that occurs with any frequency. Not only is cereal a waste of money, it will actually worsen your health. The grains become toxic during the extrusion process that turns them into the little familiar shapes we all know.

"But, Moooooooooooooooooooooooooooooom, Cheerios are good for you!", Sarah insisted.

"Cheerios are better than Fruit Loops and Cocoa Puffs, but you'd be better off eating dirt.", I told her.

I can only imagine when the kids go back to school today and say, "My mom says that eating dirt is healthier than eating Cheerios."

They love me at school. Love me, I tell you.

Please Follow The Rules

2012-01-03T05:30:00.000-08:00

Gregory woke up yesterday and told me he was fine. That's why it's better for me to blog in the mornings. The fact he fell off his bike wouldn't have even been blog-worthy normally. My kids get hurt every single day. I mean, every single day. Right now, the boys are sporting matching scraped elbows to prove that point.

Jerry came screeching in our driveway yesterday in Bob's convertible 1969 Mustang and the boys ran right over to show him the war wounds on their elbows.

"That's awesome, dudes. HIGH FIVE!"
So we were off to Red Rock to hike to Calico Tanks since nobody needed x-rays.

It was just us and every single person who came to party on the Strip, and then proceeded to try and kill themselves with nature since the drinking didn't work. I have never seen so many fools in one place.

See them all?

Since we've been hiking since the kids were toddlers, I reiterated several basic ground rules before we started.

1. No whining. There is no whining allowed while hiking.

2. If you bring it, you lug it. I am not a pack mule.

3. I will not carry you. Do not ask.

4. Stay on the trail or you have to hold my hand.

Two hours later, when we got to the top of the mountain, Sarah announced to me, and no less than 20 other people, that she had to poop.

New rule.

5. Poop before you hike.

Austin decided he was going to quit on the way back. Please see rule number 3.

New Rule

6. There are no quitters in hiking.

We were all the way back to the car, three hours later, when I noticed Austin had his shoes on the wrong feet.

New Rule

7. Put your shoes on correctly!!!! GAH!

The kids were talking to everyone on their hike. Nobody pegs them for triplets anymore, but they tell everyone because people ask them how old they are.

"We're all the same age!", Sarah tells everyone.

"All of you? You're quadruplets?"

"All of us but him. He's a singleton."

"A what?"

"He was born alone. I'm the oldest because I was on the bottom and everyone was squishing me."

"Why are you the oldest because you were on the bottom?"

"The doctor reaches in and grabs the one on the bottom first.", she told the lady.

I never know what is going to come out of these kids' mouths!!!

New rule

8. Don't repeat everything I tell you out loud.

I Only Have The Answers In The Morning

2012-01-01T21:40:00.000-08:00

We normally drive to Phoenix and spend New Year's Eve at my sister's house but I decided we would stick around Vegas instead. I wasn't sure if Laura would need me to watch the boys and Greg told me I have a bad back tire, so I have to get that replaced before we go on any roadtrips. The last thing I need is a blowout in the middle of the desert.

We've been park hopping and riding bikes in the unseasonably hot weather. We've been almost 70 degrees! I did an extensive safety check on all the kids' helmets and bikes and made sure all their straps were fitting snugly. Ever since the Christmas Day Incident, I am not taking our well-being for granted.

Despite all the new toys, the kids would rather play with leaves and have been playing in leaves for 2 days.

Even with all my newly enhanced safety precautions, I watched Gregory zoom around the park on his bike, zigzag in between the swings, clock one of the toddler swings, sending him airborne off his bike, over the handlebars, where he landed on his side and head. Thank God he had his helmet on! He just laid there after it happened and I ran as fast as I could to him. I thought he broke his shoulder, but he actually hurt his hip.

He refused to acknowledge he was even hurt all day today. He never even cried at the park. Twenty minutes ago he came to me and started crying and said his hip is hurting him so much. I tried to touch it and he cried even harder.

I just told Greg that I think Gregory is actually hurt and he said, "He hiked all the way up my mom's mountain with us tonight and went to the Ethel M factory and he was FINE."

Well he's not fine NOW!!!!

He was crying and saying, "I don't want to be in a wheelchair."

I think the kids have really been effected by Don's injury. We were able to obtain a wheelchair for Don from Bob. People don't take their wheelchairs when they get foreclosed upon, it turns out. You should see all the medical equipment Bob has. He could practically open a group home for the elderly. Then I got a great walker with a seat from Jerry's mom.

I am happy to report that Don is home. Laura was able to get him home and her dad even built a ramp for his wheelchair so he can get in and out of the house. What a relief for Laura to have her whole family back under one roof!!!!!

So now I get to go to bed tonight and worry about Gregory and wonder if I should take him in tomorrow for an xray or if it's just sore?

I have to get back on my blogging-in-the-morning schedule because I have all the answers at 5am.