Trying to Shine

Faith, Hope & Love

2021-02-14T08:25:00.004-06:00

A year ago today my husband and I went to the courthouse expecting to leave with a date on the calendar for adoption of our sweet, third bonus blessing. Instead, we left with a finalized adoption and hearts full of joy and weeping. It was a Valentine's day we will never forget.

The journey had been a rough one. This sweet boy was placed in our home at birth (January 2012), the third baby since July of 2008 and sibling to the other two blessings. It was indeed love at first sight. If you have followed our story you know that it has been a series of ups and downs as we have navigated the world of foster care. One of the deepest downs, was in March of 2015, when this sweet boy and his younger brother, who joined our family in May of 2013, were returned to their birth mother. We spent the next 866 days trying to make sense of our broken world and in daily prayer for their safety and return.

In July of 2017, God answered our prayers and both boys were returned to our home. The next three years were filled with court dates, counseling appointments, and healing as we began putting the pieces of these sweet boys, our broken hearts, and our family back together. So February 14, 2020 was a day of immense celebration as we our faith in God was proven, our hope in restoration was realized, and our love of this sweet baby was secured. What a day!

This past year I was introduced to a song entitled, "Better Together" by Luke Combs. It was written as a beautiful love song about how this couple is well, better together! But, after listening to it a few times, it struck me that with a few tweaks (you know how I love to change song lyrics to fit my needs) this song would be a perfect adoption song. I thought about writing Mr. Combs and asking him if he would rewrite the second verse for all of us adoptive parents and rerecord a version for us, but when I mentioned that to my girls they rolled their eyes at me. So I guess I will have to settle for posting his lyrics with my revisions below. Also, I don't usually post about drinking beer, since we don't but the lyrics are about things that go together and "good ole boys and beer" does fit!

My edits are in red and my favorite line, "But I wouldn't have it any other way and if I'm being honest, your first and our last name" is underlined! So to all you adoptive mamas (and papas) out there, crank up the music (you can click the link above) and sing your heart out. To everyone else, feel free to join in!

A 40 HP Johnson on a flat bottom metal boat
Coke cans and BB guns, barbed wire and old fence posts
8-point bucks in autumn and freshly cut cornfields
One arm out the window and one hand on the wheel

Some things just go better together and probably always will
Like a cup of coffee and a sunrise, Sunday drives and time to kill
What's the point of this ole' guitar if it ain't got no strings?
Or pourin' your heart into a song that you ain't gonna sing?
It's a match made up in heaven, like good ole' boys and beer
And me, as long as you're right here

Your hand in our hand when we go out downtown
Your fingerprints on every single thing that we got in this house
The way you say, "I love you, too" is like rain on an old tin roof
And your hand fits right into mine like a needle in a groove

Sometimes we're oil and water

But I wouldn't have it any other way
And if I'm being honest, your first and our last name

Would just sound better together and probably always will
Like a cup of coffee and a sunrise, Sunday drives and time to kill
What's the point of this ole' guitar if it ain't got no strings?
Or pourin' your heart into a song that you ain't gonna sing?
It's a match made up in heaven, like good ole' boys and beer
And me, as long as you're right here
And me, as long as you're right here

Still singing a year later! Comments or questions? You know what to do!

~Marla

Help! I Wrecked My Life

2021-01-09T22:01:00.001-06:00

We did it! We made it to 2021. I have heard so many comments and shared so many memes like the one above, about how awful 2020 was: a worldwide plague, horrible fires, hurricanes, rioting, civil and political unrest, the list goes on and on. It was a tough year, and like many others, I was happy to bid it farewell.

To be fair though, I have always been someone who looks forward to a new year. There is just something about tossing out old calendars and filling in new ones that fills me with hopes and dreams for all that is to come. Never has that been more true than this year.

A new year is often kicked off with resolutions and goal setting that overflow with good intentions, but you know what they say about good intentions, right? The truth is that many of us set these goals, or resolutions. We write them down along with action steps, ways we are going to accomplish whatever goals we have set. But long before the year's end, these resolutions have fallen to the way side, unaccomplished.

Just the other night my husband and I were introduced to a new show on HGTV called, "Help! I Wrecked My House." It is a home makeover show where the host comes in and fixes what the homeowners have tried to remodel but got in over their heads. Much like well intentioned resolutions, they have set goals for improvement, but those goals have faded into piles of overwhelmed and unaccomplished messes.

Kind of like our lives sometimes. Just because we have flipped the calendar to 2021, there is no guarantee of better things to come. We have to put in the effort to make those changes. Much like remolding a house, we have to be willing to tear down the "walls" that are blocking the natural light, renovate the areas that are worn down, and most importantly, be sure our foundation and structure is sound. But, like the homeowners in the show, sometimes we find ourselves in over our heads. We are not the original architects of this "house" and our knowledge is limited when it comes to all of the changes needed. Like the homeowners in the show, maybe you have found yourself wanting to cry out, Help! I've Wrecked My Life!

If you've ever been a part of a remodel or watched any of the makeover shows, then you know that the first step is to make sure the foundation is firm. This is true for our lives as well. Psalm 127 says, "Unless the Lord builds a house, the builder builds in vain." The next step in moving forward is to have a design plan. This is my favorite part of those shows, seeing all the possible ways to change the lay out, problem solving the trouble areas, and dreaming and planning for those improvements. It's just like filling in a new calendar!

Inevitably, a plan is made and the work begins only to discover some major challenge, Insert ominous music here) some hidden thing that the design team didn't know was there. It makes me think of a verse from Proverbs, "In his heart a man plans his ways, but the Lord directs his steps." (Proverbs 16:9) Oftentimes, when we set out to make changes in our lives, we forget to factor in what God has planned for us. We began building on a firm foundation, but somewhere along the way we forget to seek His face, and then when things don't go the way we planned, we are discouraged and feel like giving up.

You know what I love though? I love that at any point in this remodel project, we can call out to the original architect, "Help, I Wrecked My Life," and no matter how bad the situation is God will meet us right where we are and begin the patient and loving work of restoration.

As we begin the new project of 2021, with all our hopes and dreams, with all the remodeling and restoring visions we have in mind, let us not forget the truth of Hebrews 12 verse 2, "He is the author and perfecter of our faith."

Can't wait to see all that God has in store for each of you as we seek His face for this coming year!

~Marla

Just a Nobody

2020-06-05T09:50:00.000-05:00

For as long as I can remember I have faced a battle to be somebody. I have shared here before that I grew up in some pretty rough circumstances. Food, and clothes were in limited supply. I was the free lunch, government cheese kid. It was a humbling road to walk, and though I appreciated the food and money help we had during that time I hated being "that kid." Food and clothes were not the only thing in short supply from my youth. Those are just the easier things to talk about because everyone who knows my past, knows those things. The fear of not knowing where my next meal is going to come from is something from my far away past.

What is not so far away is the daily struggle I have with feeling as if I am someone people cannot love. This is a very raw part of my heart and something I have only shared before with a few close friends. You see when you grow up knowing that you are not what your parents want, not what anyone wants, it messes with your head and punctures your heart. All of my life I have wrestled to be "somebody" all the while knowing that I am nothing more than a "Smith kid from Castleton." I knew it, I felt it, I fought it. I used to blast Travis Tritt's song for hours from my bedroom stereo, "I'm gonna be somebody, one of these days I'm gonna break these chains..." and I worked hard to do just that.

But no matter what I did, at the end of the day, I still knew that no matter what I did, it would not change the fact that I was someone that people just could not love.

I remember the first time I heard the gospel message, that God loved ME so much that He sent his son (that HE loved) to come die on a cross for ME. I was surprised that anyone would do such a thing for me. Ultimately, that is what led me to committing my life to Christ. And, my heart healed. I still struggled but when I was feeling unloved I would read scripture and remind myself that God loved me, God chose me. I am "fearfully and wonderfully made and He "knit me together in my mother's womb" (Psalm 139) and "had plans for me" (Jeremiah 29:11).

Wouldn't it be great if the story ended there? I want it to, but life is a journey and until we reach our final destination, we will be faced with struggles and trials that continue to grow us. I posted a blog sometime ago entitled, "Splinters and Wounds"that reminds us that if we don't fully remove splinters (deal with painful past circumstances) then we will continually bump into them and they will continue to cause pain. Well, that is exactly what happened.

Life happened, I got married, finished my degree, had kids, and started teaching. I struggled with these old feelings anytime Jerry (my husband) and I had a disagreement. I knew in my head that he loved me but my heart would tell me that I had finally done the one thing that would make him stop loving me. It was the same with friends, if I disappointed anyone I was sure they would just be done with me. This is a great recipe for becoming a people pleaser, and I was a great one!

God, in his infinite love and care, would not leave me there though. He kept stretching and growing me to be who HE called me to be. It all came to a head when my dad was dying. I was at the hospital visiting him before he went in for heart surgery. Things had been tense between us since my brother's kids had been placed in our care by DCFS. He was angry with me for speaking out and blamed me for the situation. We hadn't talked in months and I was hoping this would be the moment of reconciliation. He looked up at me, pointed to the whiteboard on the wall of his hospital bed that listed family members and their phone numbers. He looked me right in the eye and said, "Notice your name is not there." Those were the last words my dad ever spoke to me. Even now as I type them I can feel the sting of his words. Message received, "You are unwanted, you are not worthy of my love."

Just recently, I applied for a job in the town I have lived in for the past 15 years. A town where I have finally felt "at home" in. The place where we raised our babies, and are still raising them! This is the town I want to grow old in. The people in this town have loved on us, and we have had the privileged to love on them. Long story short, I did not get the job. It felt very much like the old struggle all over again. This rejection felt very personal and has brought back all the old "Smith kid from Castleton" memories.

Splinters and wounds.

Then George Floyd's death and the riots broke out, and I was reminded that many people struggle with feeling like we were born at a disadvantage, and that no matter how hard we strive to overcome those things, we cannot. I was also reminded, that this simply is not true. We are ALL "fearfully and wonderfully made" (Psalm 139) and God has "a plan to prosper us and not to harm us" (Jeremiah 29:11). Italics mine

Music has been a tool that the Lord has used to bring healing in the midst of my brokenness, and this time is no different. Casting Crowns recently released a song entitled, "Nobody" that has been a gentle reminder that:

1. I am loved and somebody in the eyes of God and

2. It isn't about me, it is all about Jesus

Here are some of the lyrics to this song:

Why You ever chose me
Has always been a mystery
All my life, I've been told I belong
At the end of a line
With all the other Not-Quites
With all the Never-Get-It-Rights
But it turns out they are the ones You were looking for
All this time

'Cause I'm just a nobody trying to tell everybody
All about Somebody who saved my soul
Ever since You rescued me, You gave my heart a song to sing
I'm living for the world to see nobody but Jesus
I'm living for the world to see nobody but Jesus

Moses had stage fright
And David brought a rock to a sword fight
You picked twelve outsiders nobody would've chosen
And You changed the world
Well, the moral of the story is
Everybody's got a purpose
So when I hear that devil start talking to me, saying
"Who do you think you are?" I say

I'm just a nobody trying to tell everybody
All about Somebody who saved my soul
Ever since You rescued me, You gave my heart a song to sing

Songwriters: Mark John Hall / Bernie Herms / Matthew Joseph West

Nobody lyrics © Kobalt Music Publishing Ltd., Songtrust Ave, BMG Rights Management

My favorite line is, "You picked twelve outsiders nobody would've chosen and You changed the world." I am definitely an "outsider" that nobody would have chosen. Beyond that, I so hope to change the world. Want to join me? I think I will start by loving those around me and letting them know that we are all somebody in the eyes of Jesus.

As always, let me know if you have comments or questions!

With Hope

2020-05-24T08:28:00.001-05:00

Loss. Pain. Grief.

We have all experienced these. We have all felt the depths of emotions that go with these words.

Sometimes that loss is someone we loved deeply and we wrestle through the raw emotions the void of this absence has created.

Sometimes its the loss of a friendship or relationship and the hopes and future dreams that shatter with it.
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Other times it is the loss of a job and the financial security that goes with that.

And sometimes it is the loss of a dream, something that you had longed for, worked for, and prayed for. Maybe you have longed for a precious baby in your empty arms. Maybe you are losing the battle to save your marriage. Maybe it is yet another rejection letter for something hoped for. These losses are not always as visible to others, which can add to the grief.

There are times when these losses seem insurmountable. They tower over us and threaten to hold us down forever.

I have been there. In May of 1998 my nephew, Kyle, was tragically killed. This smiling little guy was just beginning to navigate the world of 3 year olds- puppy kisses, tractors and tools, and Jesus. His death was tragic and changed the course of life as my family and I knew it.

At the time of his death, Steven Curtis Chapman had just released a song entitled "With Hope" and the lyrics expressed what my heart was crying.

This is not at all how
We thought it was supposed to be
We had so many plans for you
We had so many dreams
And now you've gone away
And left us with the memories of your smile
And nothing we can say
And nothing we can do
Can take away the pain
The pain of losing you, but...
We can cry with hope
We can say goodbye with hope
'Cause we know our goodbye is not the end, oh no
And we can grieve with hope
'Cause we believe with hope
(There's a place by God's grace)
There's a place where we'll see your face again
We'll see your face again
And never have I known
Anything so hard to understand
And never have I questioned more
The wisdom of God's plan
But through the cloud of tears
I see the Father's smile and say well done
And I imagine you
Where you wanted most to be
Seeing all your dreams come true
'Cause now you're home
And now you're free, and ...
We have this hope as an anchor
'Cause we believe that everything
God promised us is true, so...
We wait with hope
And we ache with hope
We hold on with hope
We let go with hope

Kyle's death was hard to accept, and made even harder by the fact that his death was a result of child abuse. Kyle died in May of 1998, and here I sit this morning twenty-two years later and I can see that even though "This is not at all how we thought it was supposed to be," God has taken our pain and given us beauty for ashes. Isaiah 61:2-3 promises that God will comfort those who mourn and, "Bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair." Kyle's death led us to our journey into the foster care world and added 4 precious babies to our family. And it lead to more heartache, pain, grief and loss.

Loss. Pain. Grief.

In March of 2015, two of those sweet babies were returned to their birth mom. The loss was felt so deeply that I was not sure we would ever be able to survive it. We nearly didn't. Once again I listened to this song on repeat. Reminding myself that even though we were broken, "We (could) cry with hope, we (could) say goodbye with hope" and we clung to the hope that our goodbye was not the end and that there would be a place, either here on earth or once we made it to Heaven, that we would see their faces again.

Hope, I think that is what helps us navigate the deep and muddy waters of pain and loss. We knew that whether or not the boys returned we had to trust that God was still working as we prayed daily (many times a day) for our heart's desire, we still had to find a way to "grieve with hope" even if God did not answer our prayers the way we were hoping, even if God did say no.

And He did say, "No," for 866 days we prayed, we hoped, we plead. We feared for their safety, and wrestled through nightmare filled nights of all they may be facing, all the while trying to cling to hope.

But then came day 867,and the boys were returned! What a precious day that was. What once was lost, now was found. Our hearts were filled to overflowing as we saw hope fulfilled.

I wish I could tell you that from this point on, "We lived happily ever after" but that is the life of fairy tales, and this side of Heaven not likely to be reality. We continue to grieve losses, even in this situation. We grieve the loss of what could have been, who these sweet babies would be without the trauma they experienced. God is still working out our story, still filling the pages with tales yet unknown to us. And we face each day, or at least try to face each day, with hope. Knowing for certain that we can trust the author even on the hard days.

Loss. Pain. Grief.

Life is like that, isn't it? Loss comes and sucker punches you and you stumble around trying to get your footing back. Little by little you regain your balance and just when you think you are steady along comes some other heartbreak to knock you off your feet.

Our sweet, giggly little boys came back angry and fearful. The little boys who would leap from the edge of the pool and just trust that we would be there to catch them came back too afraid to even let us out of their sight. Two years after there return we can look back and see how far they've come,; see God's handiwork all over them. It is easy to get caught up in the loss, pain, and grief of today but we need to remember God's past faithfulness and then rest as we believe with hope...

Not sure what you are walking through as you read through this blog, but whatever it is I hope you can walk in knowing that no matter how deep the valley, God is there. He sees you. He loves you. No matter how dark the days seem, I pray that you will find the ray of hope that is there and remember that He promises to give you beauty for ashes, strength for fear, gladness for mourning and peace for despair. Let me know if I can help in anyway!

Trying to Shine,

Marla

A Seat at the Table

2019-10-26T08:51:00.000-05:00

Being a parent is a hard job, and in my blog post "Just A Foster Parent" I share some of the extra parenting challenges that come along with being a foster parent. One of the hardest parts is sometimes feeling like you are the only people who are truly advocating for the child(ren) in your care. Hotline calls are being made, but somewhere after that there seems to be a breakdown. I did some research earlier this year and found these statistics. According to the Illinois DCFS website as of March 31, 2019, there were 15,612 children in foster care in Illinois. The number of hotline calls to report concerns as of that same date was 197,420 and the total number of hotline calls for all of 2018 was 276,538.  (DCFS website)
These numbers are staggering and should serve as a wake up call for all of us.

In April of this year there was a heart breaking story that hit the news here in Illinois. A five year old boy, A.J. Freund, had been reported missing and later found buried in a shallow grave that his parents had dug for him. As if all of that was not heartbreaking enough, the news continued to report that there had been several hotline calls for this boy and yet he remained at home with the parents who would eventually choose to end his life. This prompted a new wave of public outcry and Illinois Governor Pritzker called several meeting to discuss this with the media and with involved agencies and leaders. Those events prompted me to write the following letter asking for a seat at the table of these discussions. Please note that I have not used the names of the children involved to protect their identity.

Dear Governor Pritzker,
There has been a lot of media coverage regarding the Department of Children and Family Services (“DCFS”) lately. I was so encouraged to see you have a genuine interest in making needed improvements to this agency.   I believe there are two (2) voices not yet represented: those who choose to be foster parents and the children in the system. While the underage children currently in the system may not be able speak to the media, former foster children (now older than 18) can speak and perhaps it is possible to interview at least some of the children currently in the system. As for foster parents, I am certain if given the opportunity, current and former foster parents could offer great insight how to improve DCFS.

I stumbled into the foster parenting world unintentionally. My nephew, Kyle Smith, was killed in May 1998. My husband and I were running a children’s home at the time and were so surprised by Kyle’s untimely death and my brother and his girlfriend’s role in Kyle’s death. At that point, we vowed to do whatever we could to ensure nothing like this happened again. In summer 2008, we learned of more family trouble and made several hotline calls regarding our concerns. Finally, I went into the local DCFS office and asked to speak with the person in charge. I was able to share my concerns live and the worker immediately called the hotline himself. At that point, our nieces were removed from a dangerous situation and two of the girls were placed with their birth mother while the third was placed with us.

My niece, Blessing 1, was placed with us and was 9 months old at the time. She had been born substance exposed and, despite DCFS directives, she was living with her birth mother. Later, when I inquired, I was told DCFS was aware her birth mother had been in contact with her but had not done anything about it.
Unfortunately, the story continues and, in 2010, sweet Blessing 2 was born. He was also substance exposed and born prematurely. He spent weeks in the NICU fighting for his life. Upon his release from the hospital, he was placed in our home. His birth mother left the hospital after he was born and did not resurface for three months. Despite the laws that say that permanency must be the goal for children after 3 months, Blessing 2 was subjected to visits with his birth mother once she reappeared.

In January 2012, Blessing 3 was born while the same birth mom was serving her prison term. He was also placed in our home but sadly subjected to weekly visits with his birth mom while she was in prison. This included weekly strip searches for this tiny baby boy. In May 2013, Blessing 4 joined our family after his birth. As foster parents, we had home inspections, family meetings, DCFS reviews, and more. At times, we were unpopular with the supervising agency, Lutheran Social Services (“LSSI”) because we were advocating for these sweet babies. We were told things like:

“Mrs. Graham we are a reactive agency, not a proactive one” and “These children have no rights, it is about the birth mother’s rights not the kids.”
My personal favorite was when they referred to me as “Just a foster parent” despite opening my home to my four sweet miracle nieces and nephews.

In 2015, after 8 years for Blessing 1 and 5 years for Blessing 2, the birth mother’s rights were terminated and we moved toward adopting these two. However, at that same time, DCFS, LSSI, and the court systems advocated for the younger two to return to their birth mom. In March 2015, they returned to her care and DCFS refused to give us access to them in any way. Blessing 3 had lived in our home his first 3 years of life and Blessing 4 for 22 months. In July 2016, this birth mom was once again in trouble with DCFS. At that point, she had another baby, Blessing 5, born in January 2016. DCFS removed Blessing 5 for the first time in July 2016, but somehow allowed Blessing 3 and Blessing 4 to remain in her care. She took Blessing 3 to a different state and sent Blessing 4 to his birth fathers.
After several more drug related run-ins with DCFS, in 2017, a lawyer appointed by the Court to represent Blessing 4 contacted us. In July 2017, we petitioned the Court on behalf of the boys for an emergency order of protection. Thankfully, the Court ordered the boys to return to our care, where they remain to this day. The Court awarded us guardianship over both boys in December 2018. A new investigation was apparently launched by DCFS into the birth mom and the fate of the remaining child, Blessing 5, has yet to be determined.

I appreciate you taking the time to read through this lengthy story. There is much more to the story and these are only the highlights; however, this is just ONE story and there are many, many stories with similar themes. If I had a dollar for every time I heard that the system is so broken, I would be rich. The system is broken and I want to be a part of fixing it. I believe there should be a shift in our focus (children centered rather than parent) and the laws should be enforced unilaterally. I have enclosed a blog post I have written that may give you a better glimpse into the life of foster parents. I would be happy to discuss any of this further. If you have questions or other concerns, please feel free to contact me using the above information.
Marla Graham
Former Foster Momma

This letter was sent in April of 2019 and to date I have received no reply. It is disheartening to see so little interest in fixing a system that is truly broken. There have been many days that I have wanted to give up, especially since all these kids have now been placed in our care. Even Blessing #5 has been placed in a safe home. I could take my wins and walk away, but it isn't about winning.

It is about caring. It is about providing safety and stability for ALL kids. We all have to do our part. If we see something that is questionable, then we need to ask questions. If we know (or even think) that a child is in a dangerous situation, we need to speak up. Anyone can call the hotline number for DCFS (1-800- 25-ABUSE). Remember it is not your job to determine if some behavior is abuse or not, don't overthink it. Report it and let the experts investigate and make the determination. I know that DCFS has not always gotten it right, but that should not stop us from making the call. Our response is our responsibility. Be a voice for those who do not have a voice!

I know that this post, and many of my blog posts, is all about how hard it is to be a foster parent. It is a hard job, the hardest job I have ever had, but I would do it again in a heartbeat. There are children who need someone to stand in the gap for them, to advocate in the face of adversity for them, to love them unconditionally.

"I (you) can do all things through Christ who gives me (you) strength." (Philippians 4:13) I can't promise it will be an easy road. In fact, I can almost guarantee you that it won't be. Do it anyway!

Questions? Comments? You know what to do!
Trying to shine,
Marla

A Broken System

2019-09-18T06:22:00.000-05:00

     This house is one I pass from time to time. The main part of the house is a sturdy brick and this part you see here must have been added on sometime after the main home was built. At first glance everything seems to be in order, but if you take the time to look a little closer you can see that the back corner (left side in the photo) is actually being held up by a 55 gallon barrel. Do you see it? And this isn't something new. I have been driving past that house for two years now, and the barrel has remained a faithful, albeit shaky, support.

     How incredibly crazy is that? How on earth can that barrel provide enough support to this back addition? I should mention that the house appears to be empty at this time, but I can't help but wonder what went through the homeowner's mind the day this barrel became the best solution for this very serious problem.

     Honestly, every time I drive by this house I can't help but think that it is a perfect representation of the Department of Children and Family Services (DCFS) and the agency they hire out to help them manage the large case loads. These are temporary solutions for a very serious situation.

   When my husband and I were taking foster parenting classes, we had a course on the history of DCFS. Did you know that the first child endangerment cases in the United States were actually tried under the animal cruelty act? We had an organization for the protection of animals BEFORE we had any safeguards for protecting children. Anyone besides me think this is absolutely crazy?

     I have blogged many times here about our foster parenting journey and have shared the joys and frustrations of that adventure. Over the past few years there have been several headlines about children who have been involved with DCFS who have died. Initially the public outcry is great,

"How could this happen?"

Why isn't DCFS protecting kids?"

"The system is broken!"

"How can those caseworkers live with themselves?"

There is truth in all of these statements, but it is not an easy fix. For far too long the system has operated like the house in the picture above, as a temporary support for an often long term, on going problem. There is a push in the legal system to get these children back to their birth parents because that is viewed as what is best, keeping families in tact. And although there are laws in place to ensure that children moved toward permanency within 9 months of being in the system, those laws are often stretched or even outright ignored for all too often, faint hope that the birth parents are making progress.

     I have sat in many a court room. I have heard the Guardian ad Litem (state appointed lawyer for the children) argue that the parents are not making enough progress toward the goals set for them by DCFS. We have watched the parent's attorneys argue back that the goals are too hard (random drug drops, mandatory counseling, parenting classes...) We have hired our own attorney so that we could have a voice. I have spent hours writing letters and making phone calls to advocate for the children in our care. We have been threatened by birth parents and even by caseworkers. We have had to send children on visits with people the courts have deemed "unsafe" because it has been viewed as important to work towards the birth parent/child bonding. We have had to send one of our little guys on weekly prison visits, where he was strip searched, because the mom had a right to visits. We have had to take a child to the emergency room for treatment after one of those visits. I have had to come get children early from those visits because the parent(s) have physically harmed them, or have put them in danger in some way. And yet, the visits continued as scheduled the next week.

     Please understand that I am not saying that children should never be reunited with their parents and that we shouldn't work to restore those relationships. I am not saying that at all. Sometimes people make mistakes and need support, training and guidance in order to correct those mistakes and move forward.

     I remember a conversation I had with an agency manager one time. I had called expressing concern for one of our little guys. I was told that the decision being made was what the mom wanted and she had rights. I expressed that I was not trying to step on the mom's rights and was only advocating for this particular child. I can still feel the shock and frustration I felt that day as I type this. He replied to me, "Mrs. Graham, the child does not have ANY rights. This is about the parent's rights" Excuse me? How can a child in protective custody not have any rights? How can parents who have had multiple children removed from their care, who have been involved with DCFS for years, have more rights than the children we are suppose to be serving?

     I have asked this question repeatedly throughout our involvement with DCFS and always I get the same answer. "Each child is a new chance." Did you know that when a child comes into care (DCFS custody) that information regarding other children in DCFS care from these parents cannot be brought into court? For example, this is the family history in our case:

13 children between the biological parents
2 deceased (1 killed, 1 died shortly after being born)
All removed by DCFS at one time or another

And yet, this information is not shared with the judge. If there has been a period of time between incidences, the caseworkers may not even know. I remember one time I received a call inquiring whether or nor we would accept placement of a child who had just been born. I expressed relief because I had been worrying about this young boy and the caseworker asked me why I had concerns. I told her that another child had died in the home and that I was afraid for this new babies safety. Her response? I can't quote it exactly but it was along the lines of. "Really? I didn't realize that. I see here that there is a red flag on the case but didn't look back to see why?"

     Each attempt to do what is best for the child in question ends up being no more than the 55 gallon barrel solution. The system is broken, and this is not just the fault of DCFS, or the fault of the legal system. It is a complex problem and will require great effort and likely some "out of the box" thinking to repair.

     Back to the photo, I have been working on this particular blog for a few months. I have struggled to get my thoughts out of my head and onto the screen and in the time it has taken me to finish this there has been a change. Last weekend when I drove past this house, I was surprised to find that there was a fire and the house is nothing but a pile of rubble. It is what motivated me to finish this blog. The more I think about it, the more I realize that we are all guilty in some way or another, we find ourselves in a situation and we have to scramble around and come up with a quick solution. At best these are the stories we share and worst they result in a total loss. Nothing more than a pile of rubble on the ground.

     Children are our most precious resource. They are our future, and they deserve the energy and effort it takes to have a permanent solution in a timely manner. We've all seen those Facebook posts with the adorable pictures of kids on adoption day holding signs that say, "After _____ days in foster care, today I was adopted." I just did a Google search for images and these are just some of the number of days that came up"

389
682
739
777
850
907
1359
1426
2456
2555

And then there was this one which says a lot:

To date we have only adopted two of our four and their numbers were 2786 days and 2040 days. Each of those numbers represent days that children have been held in limbo, in between two homes, two lives, their status yet undecided. Those numbers represent a life put on hold while we prop a barrel up under them and hope it holds up long enough to fix the underlying problem(s). Our kids deserve more than this!

In the words of the Psalmists, "Teach us to number our days that we may gain a heart of wisdom." (Psalm 90"12)

As always, let me know if you have comments or questions!

Marla

Wandering in the Desert

2019-03-02T17:47:00.001-06:00

Goodness, what a journey the Lord has taken us on! If you have followed our foster care/adoption story at all you know that we have been blessed with the privilege of raising four additional kids. We stepped in initially with the hope of being able to come alongside the birth parents to work toward restoring the parent/child relationship. As with most of our plans, things worked out differently and in February of 2015 we learned that we would have the opportunity to move toward adoption on two of those sweet babies, but at that same time, we learned that we would have to say good-bye to the younger two (ages 3 and 21 months). What a bittersweet year that was.

Even now four years later, so many emotions still fill my heart. The heart wrenching goodbye that came on March 8 of 2015 left us completely Broken. It was the hardest thing any of us have ever had to do.We spent the next year trying to put the pieces back together. Not just our pieces, but each of our remaining six children were also shattered. I can still see my sweet Anthony laying in his brother's bed shortly after he had left. I can still hear him saying to me, "Momma, I am pretending that Aiders is laying here with me." Not a one of us walked away from the boys' departure unharmed.

So fast forward 866 days, that is how many days went by before we were able to see these sweet boys again. We spent those days weeping, trying to heal, and praying without ceasing. God answered our prayers and on July 21, 2017 the boys were returned to our care. I have often referred to these kids as our "Moses Babies" and as the events of the last year and a half have played out, I again find myself relating to Moses. This time I am connecting with the part of Moses story where he leads the Israelites out of bondage and away from Pharaoh's harsh treatment.

In Chapter 14 of Exodus we can read how God used Moses to lead his people out of Egypt. He parts the Red Sea and leads them into freedom. The people had spent years praying to be delivered from their circumstances, hoping with each new day that they would be rescued. Now finally that day had come. What an incredible celebration they had as Chapter 15 begins. It doesn't take the Israelite long to realize that along with their fulfilled hope came new challenges and by the beginning of Chapter 16 they cry out, "Would that we had died by the Lord's hand in the Land of Egypt, when we sat by the pots of meat, when we ate bread to the full; for you [Moses] have brought us out into the wilderness to kill the whole assembly with hunger." (Exodus 16:3) In other words they are saying, "Man this is way harder than we thought." They wanted God to rescue them but didn't really want to have to suffer in any way. They didn't want it to cost them anything. Can you believe those whiny Israelites? What a bunch of big babies. I am so glad I am not like that...

But wait...
Maybe, just maybe I am?

Now don't misunderstand what I am saying, I do not regret for even a half a second that the Lord answered our prayers and brought the boys home to us. Not a moment goes by that I do not realize how incredibly blessed we are to share our lives with them once again. But, what I am saying is that it was harder than I expected it to be. The sweet, happy go lucky boys we had to send back into questionable circumstances were not the same boys that returned to our home. They returned broken, having experienced heart breaking things that forever changed them. Our hearts ached as we realized how much they had changed and still break as we are working through the healing process. I struggled with angry thoughts like, "If only they had not left our care..." and "I didn't create this problem but here I am stuck with having to fix it." So I guess the truth is, we were not the same either and there were challenges to face as we worked to adjust to our new normal. It has been hard and at times I have whined to the Lord (and a few friends) because things were way harder than I thought they would be. I eagerly await the part of the story where I get to pen, "...and they lived happily ever after." But real life is not like those fairy tales and much like I recently heard Liz Bohannon of Sseko Designs say, "You have a story to write. You cannot know the end before you start typing."

To continue with the Isrealite's story, they spend the rest of Exodus traveling through some hard places and facing unexpected challenges, but EVERYTIME, EVERY SINGLE TIME, the Lord provides for them. You need water, here have some water from this rock. You need food, well let me give you some manna from Heaven. Tired of manna? No problem, here is some quail. Surrounded on all sides by your powerful enemies? Not to worry, I will make you victorious. Time and time again God meets their needs. However, as they work their way toward the promise land, they continue to whine and complain, to grumble against God, and often to do the exact opposite of what God told them to.

This is where I hope our stories differ! I hope that I can take some notes and learn a lesson or two from my fellow sojourners so that I can walk a different path. I want to be more like Caleb and Joshua who chose to believe what God had promised rather than what seemed to their fellow Israelite brothers to be sure defeat. (Numbers 13).

No matter how the end of our story ends up being written, I know that God truly is the "author and perfecter" of my faith and so I will fix my eyes on Jesus. After all, He too faced circumstances that were harder than we can imagine and suffered to fix a problem He didn't create, and He did so with joy?! Here's hoping we can too!

"Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God." Hebrews 12:2

Blessings
~Marla

Lazarus Moments

2017-04-15T08:37:00.001-05:00

Faith is such a complicated thing isn't it? According to Hebrews 11, faith is believing what we cannot see. There have been times in my life when faith has come fairly easy for me, and other times when I have had to continually read and reread God's promises to hang on to even a shred of faith. This is not because I did not believe God is who He says He is, but rather because I had played out circumstances in my head, knowing for certain that God was going to act and then struggled when things did not play out exactly as I had planned. Can you relate? Have you ever been in a situation and been totally and completely baffled when the circumstances played out quite differently? Well, if so my friend then we are not alone. We can look back in the Bible and see that we are in good company. Take the events of Lazarus and his sisters Mary and Martha for example. The Bible tells us that Jesus loved Lazarus and so when he got sick, his sisters sent word to Jesus to let him know. Let's pick up the story at the beginning of John chapter 11:

"Now a man named Lazarus was sick. He was from Bethany, the village of Mary and her sister Martha. ²(This Mary, whose brother Lazarus now lay sick, was the same one who poured perfume on the Lord and wiped his feet with her hair.) ³So the sisters sent word to Jesus, “Lord, the one you love is sick.”

⁴When he heard this, Jesus said, “This sickness will not end in death. No, it is for God’s glory so that God’s Son may be glorified through it.” ⁵Now Jesus loved Martha and her sister and Lazarus. ⁶So when he heard that Lazarus was sick, he stayed where he was two more days, ⁷and then he said to his disciples, “Let us go back to Judea,⁸“But Rabbi,” they said, “a short while ago the Jews there tried to stone you, and yet you are going back?”

So basically at this point the sisters are wondering where Jesus is because they need him and he isn't showing up, and the disciples are wondering why on earth Jesus would want to go back to a place where he was and is very unwelcomed. It seems that no one quite understood what was happening, and that things weren't going the way everyone else (besides Jesus) thought they should. Take special note of verse 4 though where Jesus promises that this sickness will not end in death. Let's pick the story back up in verse 9:

^"9Jesus answered, “Are there not twelve hours of daylight? Anyone who walks in the daytime will not stumble, for they see by this world’s light. ¹⁰It is when a person walks at night that they stumble, for they have no light.”
¹¹After he had said this, he went on to tell them, “Our friend Lazarus has fallen asleep; but I am going there to wake him up.”
¹²His disciples replied, “Lord, if he sleeps, he will get better.” ¹³Jesus had been speaking of his death, but his disciples thought he meant natural sleep.
¹⁴So then he told them plainly, “Lazarus is dead, ¹⁵and for your sake I am glad I was not there, so that you may believe. But let us go to him.”
¹⁶Then Thomas (also known as Didymus^[a]) said to the rest of the disciples, “Let us also go, that we may die with him.”

I love this little extra lesson about 12 hours of daylight. I am sure the disciples were wondering what on earth this tid bit of fact had to do with anything, but Jesus goes on to tell them that if you walk in the light you won't have trouble seeing. It is my guess that what he is really saying is, "Hey I am the light, if you walk in me then you won't fall." At this point we also realize that Jesus already knows that Lazarus has died, but the disciples are still confused as to what is going to happen. I would be to since Jesus just said this story was not going to end in death. I love that Thomas tells the rest of the disciples, "Hey let's go so we can at least die with him." This is the same Thomas that later insists on sticking his hands into Jesus' side before he will believe that Jesus has been resurrected. It makes me giggle a little when I read this, but I can relate to times when I have walked in obedience to Christ all the while thinking, "Well this isn't going to turn out well but I guess I'll go since you said I have to." And so the disciples and Jesus set out for Bethany.

^"17On his arrival, Jesus found that Lazarus had already been in the tomb for four days. ¹⁸Now Bethany was less than two miles^[b] from Jerusalem, ¹⁹and many Jews had come to Martha and Mary to comfort them in the loss of their brother. ²⁰When Martha heard that Jesus was coming, she went out to meet him, but Mary stayed at home.
²¹“Lord,” Martha said to Jesus, “if you had been here, my brother would not have died. ²²But I know that even now God will give you whatever you ask.”

I am so Martha here, "Jesus if you had been here (like I asked) then this would not have happened!" I can hear the frustration and disappointment in her voice as she is broken by the circumstances she knows Jesus could have prevented. She is wrestling with her faith, she had written the story a different way and now she is struggling to understand. My heart has cried out this same cry, "God, where were you?" Yet, she knows that Jesus is who He says He is and she offers up this last shred of faith, "But I know that even now God will give you whatever you ask."

"²³Jesus said to her, “Your brother will rise again.”
²⁴Martha answered, “I know he will rise again in the resurrection at the last day.”
²⁵Jesus said to her, “I am the resurrection and the life. The one who believes in me will live, even though they die; ²⁶and whoever lives by believing in me will never die. Do you believe this?”
²⁷“Yes, Lord,” she replied, “I believe that you are the Messiah, the Son of God, who is to come into the world.”
²⁸After she had said this, she went back and called her sister Mary aside. “The Teacher is here,” she said, “and is asking for you.” ²⁹When Mary heard this, she got up quickly and went to him."

Jesus promise Martha that He has the situation under control, but she still does not understand. This is not what she had imagined. Jesus asks her, " Martha, don't you trust me?" Well those weren't his exact words but that is the gist of his question. Martha affirms her faith and then remembers her sister and goes to get her.

^"30Now Jesus had not yet entered the village, but was still at the place where Martha had met him. ³¹When the Jews who had been with Mary in the house, comforting her, noticed how quickly she got up and went out, they followed her, supposing she was going to the tomb to mourn there."

More misunderstanding.

^"32When Mary reached the place where Jesus was and saw him, she fell at his feet and said, “Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died.”
³³When Jesus saw her weeping, and the Jews who had come along with her also weeping, he was deeply moved in spirit and troubled. ³⁴“Where have you laid him?” he asked.
“Come and see, Lord,” they replied.
³⁵Jesus wept.
³⁶Then the Jews said, “See how he loved him!”
³⁷But some of them said, “Could not he who opened the eyes of the blind man have kept this man from dying?”

Mary echos her sister's feelings here, "Jesus where were you? You could have stopped this from happening." This part of the story always shakes me. Jesus knew what was about to happen. He knew that hope was going to be restored. He knew that in moments Lazarus was going to walk out of that tomb alive and well. Yet, Mary's brokenness "deeply moved" Him. Seeing Lazarus's sister so hurt by the circumstances (even though they were a part of a bigger plan) brought Jesus, the King of Kings and Lord of Lords, to tears. Man, that is just incredible and humbling. How many times has Jesus wept for me in the midst of my lack of understanding of the bigger picture, in the times where I have wrestled with the question, "Where were You, God? If You had been here this wouldn't have happened?" All the while my heart was breaking Jesus saw my agony and responded with tears of His own as He quietly whispered, “I am the resurrection and the life. The one who believes in me will live, even though they die;and whoever lives by believing in me will never die. Do you believe this?”

There are no words except to echo Martha, “I believe that you are the Messiah, the Son of God, who is to come into the world.”

All of those watching shake their heads in awe and say, "See how He loves her." And here we remember that if we walk in the Light we will not stumble, and others will see our faith, though small and wavering, and know that He is who He says He is. But the story isn't over yet:

^"38Jesus, once more deeply moved, came to the tomb. It was a cave with a stone laid across the entrance. ³⁹“Take away the stone,” he said.
“But, Lord,” said Martha, the sister of the dead man, “by this time there is a bad odor, for he has been there four days.”
⁴⁰Then Jesus said, “Did I not tell you that if you believe, you will see the glory of God?”
⁴¹So they took away the stone. Then Jesus looked up and said, “Father, I thank you that you have heard me. ⁴²I knew that you always hear me, but I said this for the benefit of the people standing here, that they may believe that you sent me.”
⁴³When he had said this, Jesus called in a loud voice, “Lazarus, come out!” ⁴⁴The dead man came out, his hands and feet wrapped with strips of linen, and a cloth around his face.
Jesus said to them, “Take off the grave clothes and let him go.”

Oh friend, our story isn't over yet either. No matter how hopeless of a situation we find ourselves in, Jesus can bring just the tiniest sliver of hope to it and before you know it, the tomb will be wide open and what we thought was dead can be brought back to life and we can dance with joy as Jesus proclaims, "Take off the grave clothes and let him go."

Orphan Sunday

2016-11-06T23:46:00.001-06:00

Today is Orphan Sunday....kind of a weird name if you ask me. I guess I am just not a fan of labels and it feels like calling someone an "orphan" is insulting. Despite it's name, I think this day is a great wake up call for all of us to look around and see what we can do to help those around us. Not all of us are called to be foster parents, or to fly off to Africa to build an orphanage, but some of us are! However, if you can't picture that being a part of what God has in store for you, it doesn't mean you are off the hook. James 1:27 clearly tells us that we are, " to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world."

So, how do we do that in our everyday lives? I have an idea, or two to share with you if you are interested.

What if...the next time we went to one of our kid's sporting events, we cheered for the kid whose parents are never at the game? And let's be careful not to point our fingers at that mom or dad either. Maybe it's a single mom who is working two jobs just to put food on the table, or maybe the parent is caring for younger children or an ailing parent. But, what if we stood in the gap for them, bought their kid a water, encouraged him or her to do their best, maybe even paid for them to have a team picture, or any of the 20 things that come up as an extra expense during the season?

What if...we shared a little extra love and kindness to that neighbor kid that is always asking to play with your kid? Maybe treat him or her to ice cream or a nice popsicle on a hot day. And what if we sat down and talked with him or her, really talked and connected with them in a way that let them know they mattered and you really cared? What if we invited the neighbor kid to join in with our family game of baseball, or the next water balloon fight? Would it make a difference in his or her life?

What if we did Christmas a little different this year? Are there any children you can think of that could benefit from a little extra love given anonymously? Could we come alongside a family that is struggling and make sure their son or daughter has a present, or two, or three to open on Christmas morning?

What if we invested in a student at our local school, making sure he or she had the school supplies needed to begin the year off right? Is there a child in your life that could use some new school clothes? Extra help with homework? Someone to listen to him or her read?

What if we just showed love to all of those sweet little faces that we came in contact with? What if we looked past the dirty clothes, the sometimes ornery behavior, or if you are from a small town, it might even mean looking past the last name, and just loved all of the people, big and small, in our lives. Maybe they don't match up with the Webster's dictionary definition of orphan (or widow) but sharing a little extra love certainly couldn't hurt, right?

These are just a few ideas that come to mind, but I hope you have found one that fits for you. Maybe you have some other ideas that you could share in the comment section below.

The Heart of the Matter

2016-07-04T12:33:00.000-05:00

Goodness, what a great summer we have been enjoying here in the Midwest. I think we have swam more this summer so far than all of last year combined, and though the last few days have been unseasonably cool, we are hoping to enjoy some splashing in the sun by this afternoon.

Maybe it's just us, but every year there seems to be that one item that we have purchased, undoubtedly on clearance at the end of the last summer season, that everyone wants. Sometimes it is a particular raft, other times a pool toy that has unknown magical powers! Goggles are the coveted item in this year's pool. Not just any pair though, because we have at least 4 pairs out there at last count. No, this years coveted goggles are THE ones (yep just one pair) that not only cover your eyes and allow the ability to see underwater without that awful chlorine burn, but also cover your nose so that you don't have to plug it. These goggles are not too big, not too small, but alas, these goggles are just right. More than one squabble has erupted over this coveted pair of goggles.

The other day as I was watching my Skyler girl swimming around in the goggles it made me remember my pool days from years gone by. (More years than I care to mention:) I remember as a little girl, laying on my back underwater and looking up through the water at the distorted view of what was above the waters. Sometimes I would squint my eyes and try to make sense of what it was I was actually seeing, while other times I would swim around oblivious to what was actually happening above the water or even right around me. Other times, as I navigated the murky lake waters, I was only able to see what was right in front of me.

Actually that is exactly how I could describe these last few years. I have been so overwhelmed with the circumstances around me that I have not always been able to see very clearly and only had the time or energy to focus on what was right in front of me. Raising 8 kids is not an easy task under normal circumstances, but when you factor in the additional circumstances of NEVER ENDING court dates and battles, multiple false allegations, constant caseworker visits, a broken foster care system, extended family heartache, and ministry challenges you have a recipe for short sighted survival mode.

That's it really, these past few years we have just been treading water and surviving. We could see the shore in the distance but every time we tried to swim toward it, we would be swept away by the current of our circumstances. If you know me, then you know that a lot of time was spent making sure everyone had on their life vests, and that they were nice and tight, but it seems that no sooner would I get one life vest tethered up just right, that another would come loose and I would have to turn my attention to that situation. Eight years of this can be exhausting. Eight years of this has been exhausting. On more than one occasion I have comforted myself with the lyrics of the old hymn, "Oh soul are you weary and troubled, no light in the darkness you see? There's light for a look at the Savior and life more abundant and free. Turn your eyes upon Jesus, look full in His wonderful face, and the things of earth will grow strangely dim, in the light of His glory and grace." (Turn Your Eyes Upon Jesus written by Helen Lemmel)

I imagine that Paul could relate to my circumstances when he penned these words in 2 Corinthians 4:

⁸We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; ⁹persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.

Paul was weary from the constant trouble of his day, not the same troubles that I have been facing, and probably not the troubles that you have been facing, but a troubled heart is a troubled heart. And though I do not know what trials you are facing this day, I know the same God that Paul writes about and the hope He brings. Paul ends that same chapter by writing:

¹⁶Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. ¹⁷For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. ¹⁸So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

Have you ever read a passage like that and walked away thinking, "Well good for you Paul. I'm glad it worked out for you, but I'm just not feeling it?" In all honesty I can say that I have. I know that Jesus told us that in this world we would have trouble, and reassured us to "take heart" because he has overcome the world. (John 16:33) It's just that I didn't expect to have this much trouble and I am disillusioned by the weight of these last eight years. And I have allowed my heart to become heavy with things rather than trusting God with them, and in doing so my heart sprung a leak and began taking in water. Heavier and heavier it grew and I just keep doggie paddling. Treading water will help you survive but doesn't really get you closer to the shore. What it does get you is tired. Unless...

Unless you are conditioned for it. If you have taken the time to practice treading, to prepare your body for the endurance it takes to stay afloat, to strengthen your core, then you can endure hours, weeks, and even years of treading water. No one makes it to the Olympics without hours, months and years of training and painful, and tiring workouts.

Our Spiritual bodies are no different, we must exercise our faith muscles to make them stronger. We must work on the core of our spirit in order to strengthen our overall spirit. So what is the core of our spirit? I believe it is our heart. The Bible is filled with verses about the heart and when we talk about giving our lives to Christ, we ask Him to come and live IN our hearts. One of my favorite verses is a reminder to us of how important it is to take good care of our heart. Proverbs 4:23 tells us, "Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it."

Sounds like a core muscle to me!
Oh but these last few years my heart has felt so heavy, weighed down by the realities of the world, by my own poor choices, and sometimes I have just been going through the motions of being a Christian because it is what's expected. I was sure God had a different answer for the trials I was facing, and when the battled ended and I was not the one taking the victory lap, something happen inside of me. My core spiritual muscle got broken. And sometime during that battle, I lost heart, like an athlete who is on fire and overflowing with talent and then suffers a major injury and never really regains his or her fire for the game. The headlines read, "Star Athlete Loses Heart." That is where I was standing, or rather laying. My heart hasn't really been in it. I continued to go to church, what else would the pastor's wife do? I continued to pray for others, to encourage others to walk in the faith, and to believe that God is who He says He is. But my heart was working on autopilot and my vision was distorted as I lay flat on my back in the pool of brokenness.

This is not a good place to be, and after awhile you either run out of breath and die, or you muster your strength and swim to the surface to take a fresh breath of air. The choice is yours, the air is available to everyone, if you want to put forth the effort it will take to swim to the surface. I love this promise from Ezekiel 36 verse 26, "²⁶I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh."
A new heart is there, fresh for the taking. We can chose to leave our heart of stone behind and exchanged for a heart of flesh. The best news is that God will perform the surgery, we just have to ask Him to! Beyond that, He wants to serve as our personal trainer, strengthening our core muscle so that we can endure the hardships that are sure to come, and to heal from those that have already left their mark on us.

Last summer I read a book written by Dutch Sheets entitled, Hope Restored, and I assume it was the inspiration for Danny Gokey's new hit. (You can listen to that here.) Pastor Sheets tells the amazing story of a heart surgeon who was struggling to get a patient's heart to restart. Finally, out of other options, he leans down and whispers in the patient's ear, "Tell your heart to beat again," and miraculously that is exactly what happens! He goes on to relate that perhaps God is saying that as He looks down into our broken hearts, the wounds are deep and our core is damaged. Healing is on the shore, but every time we start to make progress toward it, we are swept again into the current by our circumstances. Remember the story of Peter, who walked on the water with confidence UNTIL he took his eyes off Christ and began to sink (Matthew 14)? Perhaps, we simply need to, turn our eyes "upon Jesus, look full in His wonderful face..." and then we will be able to take a fresh new breath and exchange our heavy hearts for hearts that are renewed and strengthened for what lies ahead? Will you join me for a swim?

Healing A Broken Heart

2016-06-09T00:29:00.001-05:00

It has been 459 days since our world has been turned upside down. 459 days since not one, but two very large holes were blasted into our lives with an aftershock that only those who have walked this path can fully understand. 459 days ago, I had to say good bye to two boys that had been a part of the everyday fabric of our lives since their births. They had been placed here in our home by the Department of Children and Family Services along with two other siblings. If you follow my blog, you know many of the ups and down of this situation and there is no need to rehash the heartache here. Today's blog is about how you can begin the process of healing after being in such a place of brokenness.

To be honest, I feel like I have only just begun the process of healing and am by no means an expert in the matter. However, I have found a few things that have helped and hope that by sharing them here someone else can be encouraged to find healing.

I have always had such a hard time dealing with heartache and tend to run the other direction from anything that looks even remotely like it might be painful. The hardest part in my journey toward healing has been to allow, and even force myself to "Be still and know that He is God." (Psalm 46:10) My quiet time has taken a hard hit because of the broken place I have been in. This is not because I am angry at God, or that I have lost faith in Him, but rather that to sit before the Lord means to be vulnerable to myself about the depth of hurt I am running from. This has been the largest obstacle to healing. So a great place to start is to reconnect with the Lord and allow Him to be the healer of your soul.

Another thing that has helped me is to allow myself to remember and to talk about the memories with others. I have read a lot recently that one of the hardest things about losing a love one to death is that people are afraid to say their name, especially around those grieving the loss. I know that my loss is not exactly death but the loss is very similar. That actually is part of the frustration, it is a unique place to be in, suffering a great loss but not one that is really recognized by society as such. There are no "Sorry for the loss of your foster kid" cards out there on the market. And as for support groups for other people in my shoes, well I haven't been able to find one anywhere near here. A great second step toward healing though is to treasure the memories you had.

Recently one of the boys celebrated his 3rd birthday and though I cannot deliver it to him, I decided to write him a birthday card. I just shared how much I loved and missed him and prayed that he was happy and healthy where he was. I plan to continue this tradition in hopes of maybe one day being able to share these cards with the boys so that they will know that I didn't just walk away and stop caring. Maybe I will never get that opportunity, but hope is like a healing balm to a weary soul. And so I hope. Hope and creating new memories is another great stride toward the journey of healing.

One last step I hope to be taking soon is to make some changes in the world around me. Pain has a way of catapulting people into action and I hope to be able to use this part of my story to help others who are struggling with some of these same things. This blog is the first step in that journey, but I eventually hope to start a support group for other foster parents who are struggling.

Let me leave you with a few verses that I hope will encourage you as much as it has me...

I would have despaired unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord In the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; Be strong and let your heart take courage; Yes, wait for the Lord.
Psalm 27:13-14

and

He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.
Psalm 147:3

Adoption Day!

2016-03-13T20:44:00.003-05:00

2786 days......almost 9 years ago we stumbled into the world of foster parenting. We arrived here quite by accident and with the intentions of being a stepping stone to repair a broken path. However, somewhere along the road, somewhere between day 1 and day 2786, things changed. I can't pinpoint the exact moment that things shifted from hoping to reunite a family to hoping to enlarge ours, but the shift happened.

Many of you have faithfully followed us on this bumpy path as I have blogged our journey in bits and pieces through the posts here on this page. So as I sit typing today, it is with the hope of inviting you to join us in celebrating. Celebrating the end of 2786 days. Celebrating the beginning of a billion new days. As of 9:20 am, March 11, 2016. Skyler and Anthony have officially become Graham's.

The waiting is over...

Psalm 30:5b, "Weeping may endure for a night, But joy comes in the morning."

Living Intentionally

2016-02-24T21:42:00.001-06:00

Lately I have heard a lot of people throwing around the words, "Live intentionally," and I have been wondering what exactly that means. How does one go about living intentionally?

I think it has to do with planning...with thinking ahead and setting a purpose. As a teacher, when I introduce a new science topic or a new reading story I work with my students to set a purpose for reading. We do that by asking ourselves some questions (What do I already know about this topic? What do I want to learn? What do you think this is going to be about? etc...) After we have set a purpose, then we can read the piece and focus specifically on what it is we are wanting to learn.

I think this same idea can be applied to living life intentionally. It is no secret that I am a type A personality. I am a planner.
Monthly menu...check
Once a month shopping...check
To do list...check
Lesson plans for the week...check
Lesson plans for the month....well I wish but I am not THAT good!

Because I am a planner, living intentionally doesn't seem too threatening or overwhelming. I have a running checklist in my head at all times (no surprise I know!). It is more like a question list:

Did I share some time in the Word and in prayer with my kids?
Did I share Jesus with others in my words and actions? or
How can I share Jesus with others today in my words and actions?
Have I talked to each of my kids today? (some no longer live at home)
Did I have a face to face conversation...a real one... with my husband today?
What's for supper? Did I get it started before work or get meat out to thaw?
Did I get my work out in?
Did I eat healthy and drink my water?
Did I connect with at least one friend?
Did I complete at least one load of laundry?
Did I encourage my students? Coworkers? ?

Have I spent time with each of my kids at home one-on-one?
Is everyone's homework done?
Teeth brushed? Baths?
Did I tuck them in and pray with them?

Please don't call the men in white coats to come get me...I really am not (too) crazy! Maybe all of these questions seem overwhelming and I honestly do not succeed at answering yes to every one of them every day, but having an idea in mind of what I want to accomplish with each new day helps me to do a better job at being a mom/wife/teacher/friend on a daily basis. Zig Ziggler said it best when he wrote, "If you aim for nothing, you'll hit it every time."

The downside of this is that you can become either discouraged if you are not able to check off this list of good intentions, or rigid and so focused on checking off your list that you miss God's intentions for you on any given day. You must remain flexible in your intentions! Can you see me squirming? Even typing the word flexible makes the planner in me a bit uneasy. I wanted to type, "flexible-ish" which is a new word I have invented for those times when I am called on to be flexible and I want to say, "Sure I am flexible-ish..." while smiling and trying to fight back the feeling of panic and doom that is rising within me as my type A brain is screaming, "But this isn't what we planned!"

That wrestling match brings me to one of my favorite verses. Proverbs 16:9 says, "In his heart a man plans his ways, BUT the Lord directs his steps." (emphasis mine)

Life these days is clipping away at lightening fast speeds and if we aren't careful we will be so caught up in surviving the day to day that we will get to the end of our days and have nothing but regrets to show for them. Whether you are in your teens, twenty's, thirty's, fourty's, or beyond, it is never too late to begin living a bit more intentionally. What goals can you set for the next week? What area of your life would you like to see some change in? What specific steps could you take to begin moving in the right direction for those changes? Start with baby steps....small successes lead to giant victories, and giant victories are leaps toward living an intentional life...a life with no regrets!

Happy trails my friends! Feel free to leave a comment here or email me with any questions you may have! We can do this together!

So You Wanna Change the World...

2016-01-10T23:17:00.004-06:00

Deep within my very soul I have always had this incredible yearning to change the world. Well, I say always, but I am not really sure when this desire awakened within me. I cannot remember a time when I haven't wanted to be a part of making the world a better place. Does that sound corny? Maybe, but I don't know how else to explain it. I just want to leave the world, and every part of it, better than when I first got there.

I guess that is really our calling as believers of Christ, right? As we share our faith with others, it is our hope that they will understand what Christ has done for them and join us on the journey. I am certain that God has placed this desire within me. I guess the problem is that I don't really think I have been all that successful in this endeavor.

Every time I read my Bible and come across stories like Noah, or Abraham, even the unwilling Jonah, and see how God used them to change the world I can't help but want to be a part of that. However, every morning when my alarm clock goes off, I muddle through my day and drop back into bed several hours later, not really having done anything significant let alone life changing.

I am not saying that I have never lead anyone into an eternal, life changing relationship with Christ, but it has been a long time since I have had that privilege. The problem is just that, I can't remember the last time I felt like I was making a difference.

A few years ago, Natalie Grant released a song entitled, "What Are You Waiting For?" The chorus is:

                     "So you wanna change the world
                       What are you waiting for
                       You say you're gonna start right now
                       What are you waiting for
                       It only takes one voice
                       So come on now and shout it out
                       Give a little more
                       What are you waiting for"

Every time I hear this song I can't help but puzzle through this dilemma again. You see, I WANT to change the world, I just can't seem to figure out how and therefore, I don't know what I am waiting for. I have prayed about it and asked God what it is that he wants me to be doing, but I just can't seem to pinpoint an answer.

Certainly I have had seasons where I can look back and see that I was a part of God's grander plan, but as I stand in church Sunday after Sunday, I can't help but feel stuck. There have been times when it feels like I am walking around in a fog. I spend my days cleaning up toothpaste from sinks, spills from the table, mud from the floors, and none of this seems very life changing. Occasionally the fog lifts and I am able to see that I am making a difference in small ways with my family.

But, can I be honest? It just doesn't seem like enough. There are people walking through life lonely and broken. There are children who have no one to love them. There are broken people everywhere and I wish I could figure out how I can be a part of changing their world.

Usually, this is the point in my post where I share some "Ah-ha" moment and wrap things up. The problem is, I haven't yet had that moment of insight. I guess all I can leave you with is the challenge that we all have the same calling to change the world, to go out and share Christ, and maybe it is only in looking back that we can see we actually have? So...you wanna change the world? What are you waiting for?

Questions? Comments? I always love to hear them!
~Marla

Two Empty Seats at My Table

2015-11-26T06:59:00.002-06:00

It is early here at the Graham house. I am the only one awake this early on Thanksgiving Day. Even our dog, Finley, my constant companion, has chosen sleep over being awake this early. The turkey is stuffed and I am just beginning to smell the aroma as it begins cooking. All of the pies are baked and side dishes are prepped. Everything is ready for our celebration. Well, almost everything.

It seems my heart is not quite ready for the day. Traditionally, this day is all about celebrating all the blessings that we have, and being thankful for all that the past year has brought us. And, that is where the problem comes in for me. I am finding it difficult to be thankful for the past year. When I look back at the past year, what I feel the most is not gratefulness at what we have harvested from this year, but rather a deep sadness at what we have lost. Today as we go about our celebrations, there will be two empty chairs at my table. Two chairs that should be filled with giggling boys and spilled drinks; filled with silly jokes, shared memories, and way too many sweets. Instead, what I will feel is their absence, and no matter how hard I try, I just cannot be thankful for that.

Oh, I know I am not the only one with empty chairs at my table. I guess that is what prompted me to write this blog. Many of us have suffered the loss of a loved one since last Thanksgiving. Maybe not in the same way as my family, but loss is loss. So as I wrestle with these emotions, I am not alone.

You probably know the history of this holiday but let's take a peek back and see if we can learn anything new. Thanksgiving was first celebrated back in 1621. The Pilgrims had just harvested their first successful crop of corn and their leader, William Bradford, was pumped! He sends out a group of hunters so that they can add some meat to their party, and he even extends an invite to the Wampanoag Indians. They had so much to be thankful for that their feast lasted 3 whole days.

Three days...I am struggling to keep it together for just one day. But that is different, they had A LOT to be thankful for so it was easier for them, right? Well- not exactly. You see, the Pilgrims had come to the New World with great hopes and dreams. Hopes for a new life free of religious persecution. Dreams of settling in and making a name for themselves with all the unknown possibilities just waiting to be claimed. What they got instead was a whole lot of hardship. The passage over was rougher than they had expected, lives were lost and hopes were fading. Once they reached the new land the flames of their dreams began to burn again, but the smoke of sadness still hung over them. By the time they harvested their first crops of corn and were making preparations for their Thanksgiving, less than half of the newcomers were still alive to celebrate. There were a few empty seats at their table.

For three days they feasted and took time to count their blessings. God had provided them with a cornucopia (I have always wanted to use this word!) of things to be thankful for. And they were thankful ~DESPITE~ the losses they had suffered. Yes, their hearts were heavy as they thought of all of those empty chairs. Life had not turned out the way they had hoped and dreamed it would. However, those that celebrated were alive, they had food to eat and a place to sleep. These might seem like small things but these are the things they were not taking for granted.

Perhaps this is what I am missing as I face this day, a peace in remembering all that I do have to be thankful for. I have a very full table this Thanksgiving, there will be giggling and spilled drinks, silly jokes, shared memories, and way too many sweets. Yes, there will be some sadness as well but I think the biggest thing I must remember is what the Pilgrims surely knew. Words of wisdom from my favorite author...

Everything? Yes, in everything the Pilgrims gave thanks. In the things that had been lost, in the things that had been found, in the new and for the old, they gave thanks. So, I will take notes from my Pilgrim friends and set my heart on counting my blessings rather than my burdens today. Will you join me?

I'm No Quitter

2015-10-23T00:31:00.000-05:00

Tomorrow marks the 300th day that the boys have been gone.

300 days of not getting to tuck them in.

300 days without hugging them.

300 days of no snuggling deep into the covers to read our favorite books and sing our silly Graham songs.

300 days of the tear stained faces of each of my kids.

300 broken days and not one of those days have passed without waves of sadness washing over our wounded hearts.

I have to be honest with you (I try to make that a habit :). This has nearly taken everything from me. I have never felt a sadness like the one that has wrapped its cold, icy fingers around my heart so tightly that, at times. even breathing has become a chore. It has been a toe to toe, minute by minute battle these last 300 days.

There have been times I was not sure that I would make it even one more day, but now I find myself sitting here on the edge of 300 days.

300 days of this new normal.

300 days of surviving.

300 days of struggling to trust God.

300 days of fighting.

Fighting....fighting what?

For 8+ years we have fought a broken foster care and judicial system. We have fought injustice, birth parents, and dishonesty. We have fought against judgmental people, unkind and unwanted advice, and even against our sinful natures. Shamefully, we have even fought against God. This has been a long, hard journey.

Ultimately though, Ephesians 6:12 reminds us that we have actually been fighting against satan himself. "For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms."

I am battle weary. Two weeks ago I would still have told you that I wasn't sure that I could take one more step, one more minute, or one more day. Satan was about to claim a victory over my shaken faith. Then something changed. I wish I could tell you it was my circumstances, but it wasn't that. I am not really sure what trigger it. Maybe it is the fighter in me? More likely, it was God shaking me out of my broken hearted slumber and reminding me that He isn't quite finished with me. I have been reminded that I am not done fighting. I am lacing up my boxing gloves and I am ready to go a few more rounds with the "powers of this dark world."

There is a new song that is popular in pop music. It is sung by Rachel Platten and entitled, "Fight Song," I have decided I love it and have taken the liberty to rewrite the lyrics to tailor them to my battle cry. I am sure Ms. Platten won't mind!

I wonder if any of you can relate? Maybe life has thrown you a curve ball, or two and you feel like you are sinking?   If so, and you need someone to cheer you on from the side lines, please don't hesitate to send me an email. But first, print out my edited lyrics and click on the link above. Then look satan square in his enemy eyes and sing with me at the top of your lungs, "THIS IS MY FIGHT SONG..."

(My changes are in italics)

Like a small boat
On the ocean
Sending big waves
Into motion
Like how God's word
Can make a heart open
I might only have one match
But I can make an explosion

And all those things I didn't say
Wrecking balls inside my brain
I will scream them loud tonight
Can you hear my voice this time

This is my fight song
Take back my life song
Prove I'm alright song
God's power's turned on
(Starting right now) I'll be strong
I'll play my fight song
And I don't really care if nobody else believes
'Cause I've still got a lot of fight left in me

Losing friends and I'm chasing sleep
Everybody's worried about me
In too deep
Say I'm in too deep (I'm in too deep)
And it's been 300 days
They miss my home
But there's a fire burning in my bones
And I still believe
Yeah I still believe

And all those things I didn't say
Wrecking balls inside my brain
I will scream them loud tonight
Can you hear my voice this time

Weepy Worship

2015-08-06T08:03:00.000-05:00

I am a runner. Now if you know me at all you are shaking your head in unbelief, because I do not have the body of a runner. That is because I am not THAT kind of runner. Running is how I cope with life when it gets too hard. I stay busy, I clean, I mow, I cook, I do anything but slow down. Down time means thinking and I would rather not. Today marks 150 days of this new normal that we are walking....well maybe crawling is a better word, through. 150 days and still my heart is so broken. I am going through the motions of the day to day, meeting all of the requirements that are expected of me, and staying busy.

The problem with this practiced approach is that while I am "running" I often time miss God. The Bible is clear is Psalm 46 verse 10 that we are to, "Be still and know that I am God." Well, I know He is God but the be still part...I am not so good at that and when I have dared to slow down enough to feel the hurt, I have been overwhelmed with emotions and pain. So I start running again.

You know what I love about God? Well, there are countless things I love about God but in particular He does not allow us to stay stuck. For awhile, God has allowed me to stay busy. He has nudged me a few times with gentle reminders to stop and dwell in His presence, but I have continued full speed ahead with my busyness. So He stepped up his nudges! A few weeks ago I was in church when the praise team struck up the first few chords of one of my favorite song. Not only my favorite song but a song that echos what I hope my life will reflect at the end of my days. Before a single word was sung, I knew I was in trouble. I seriously thought about bolting for the door but 1- It would look a bit odd for the pastor's wife to make a run for the exit and 2- as said pastor's wife, I was sitting in the very front of the church. So tears began to stream down my face (at least I was in the front so I could hide my face) and God got my attention. I spent the next 10 minutes trying to maintain my composure and God and I began to work through some of my heartache. (We are still working on this but I allowed God to get my attention!)

Maybe you are also walking through, "The valley of the shadow of death" (Psalm 23) and you've tried to outrun your emotions or even God himself. Let's be honest, life is hard sometimes...maybe even more than sometimes, maybe often...but there is still hope. The God who loved us enough to send His son to die on the cross for you and me still sits on the throne. He is patiently waiting to walk you through this battle. He still has a plan for us, and in the end He still wins and despite my heavy heart, that makes me feel like singing that song I mentioned. Will you sing with me?

Jesus Draw Me Nearer

Jesus draw me ever nearer
As I labour through the storm.
You have called me to this passage,
and I'll follow, though I'm worn.

May this journey bring a blessing,
May I rise on wings of faith;
And at the end of my heart's testing,
With Your likeness let me wake.

Jesus guide me through the tempest;
Keep my spirit staid and sure.
When the midnight meets the morning,
Let me love You even more.

Let the treasures of the trial
Form within me as I go -
And at the end of this long passage,
Let me leave them at Your throne.

Music by Keith Getty; Words by Margaret Becker
Copyright © 2002 Thankyou Music

Content in ALL Circumstances

2015-05-23T09:57:00.004-05:00

My sweet baby D's birthday was this past week. It was an incredibly difficult day for all of us here as we didn't get to celebrate it with him. There was no cake and ice cream for breakfast. No balloons, no streamers, no pictures.

It has been 77 days since we have seen his sweet face. Most days it still seems as if we will never get out of this dark valley we are walking through. Every once in awhile I see a little glimmer of light on the horizon but it quickly fades as reality once again sets in. This is a hard place to be.

It would be an easy jump to leap into a giant pity party. Or to grow angry. Angry with the foster care system, angry with the judge, angry with dishonest caseworkers, angry with God. It is something I must choose to fight against, sometimes minute by minute. In fact the new catch phrase at the Graham house has become, "Focus on your blessings rather than your burdens," as we work to encourage each other through this new normal.

As I was thinking about all of this yesterday, it made me remember a conversation I had recently with my 7 year old. It was Easter time and we attended the community Easter egg hunt. As we arrived, children were divided according to their age group and given a specific area to hunt. Within each area were 3 prize eggs: 1 golden egg, 1 egg marked with an "X" for a boy and one egg marked with an "X" for a girl. As we set off on our hunt, my girl was quite lucky. Among her treasures, were both the "X" egg and the golden egg. As we headed to turn in our treasures I decided this would be a great teachable moment. I pulled Skyler aside and asked her to think about others in her age group. There were a lot of other kids and I wanted her to share one of her prize eggs. We talked about how it would be kind to give one of the two eggs to someone else so they could have a special prize too. I told her that it wasn't really fair for her to have 2 prizes when others had none and asked her to give the girl egg to someone else because the golden egg was probably the grand prize. With much encouragement, Skyler kept the golden egg and gave the "X" egg to another girl in her age group.

As it turns out, the big prize was for the egg with the "X." The little girl Skyler gave this to received a huge Easter egg basket filled with toys and candy. When Skyler turned in her golden egg she got a chocolate bunny. To say she was mad is an understatement. All the way home she complained and grumped about not getting the big prize because I made her give it away. I listened to her whine for a bit but after about 10 minutes, I had had enough. I sat her down and talked with her about the situation. I reminded her that when she went up to the egg hunt, she went with nothing but an empty basket and now she was coming home with not only a bunch of eggs, but also a chocolate bunny. I tried to help her see that she came home with more than she went with. I would love to say that my pep talk worked and she skipped off merrily into the sunset counting her eggs (and blessings), but not all endings are storybook endings. I am pretty sure that if you ask Skyler about it now, a month later, she will still be mad. She may never forgive me for this moment!

At least not until she is older and wiser like me. I mean I would never react like that.

Or would I? Maybe a better question is, am I? If I am honest, and I always try to be, I would have to shamefully admit that I am behaving the same way. I wanted the grand prize...I wanted the boys to stay here with us. If they are here I know they are safe, well cared for, and loved. I don't want to be satisfied with the chocolate bunny of the 2 and 3 years we had them here. I want the whole basket. I have come home from the party sulky and mad. I did not get what I wanted, and it is not fair.

I can imagine Jesus pulling me to the side and reminding me..."Marla, you came to the party with nothing, and you went home with a full basket." I wonder if He is as weary of my whining as I was of Skyler's? My home is still overflowing with blessings. I have a husband who serves the Lord with all he has and who loves me. I have a houseful of children and we have been celebrating things like marriage and graduation these last few years. My children are all walking with the Lord, I have a nice home and a warm bed. The list could go on and on. But still I whine.

I imagine the Apostle Paul may have had a similar struggle before coming to the place where he was able to pen these words: (red words mine!)

Philippians 4:11-13 (NIV)
I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned [am learning] to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned [am learning] the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength.

Thank you for your prayers and encouragement as we walk this road and I hope you will be encouraged to learn with us to be content in ALL things.

Blessings,

Marla

Unshakable Faith

2015-05-09T09:24:00.003-05:00

I have been silent for awhile. I have been suffering with a broken heart. There are days when the greatest victory I achieve is simply rising from bed.

Some days it is a struggle to just breath normally. The memories of what was...the fear of what might be...these are crippling at times.

It is maddening to me that the rest of the world continues to move on, as if my whole world has not been shaken to its very foundation. But, that is how it must be.

I am still required to go to work, fix meals for my family, clean my house, pay my bills. The ordinary everyday continues to demand that I move forward, even though I am so incredibly broken.

For those of you who may not know, my family and I are foster parents to my niece and 3 of my nephews...well we were. For 7 years now we have been knee deep in the uncaring bureaucracy of child protective services. But, on March 8th two of those children (age 3 and 22 months) were returned to the home of their birth mother.

You may be thinking, well what did you expect? You are just the foster mom, isn't this what you signed up for? And of course this was the ultimate goal, what was to be expected, at least originally.  Oh, but three years of loving someone makes it incredibly difficult to just walk away, even under ideal circumstances. Knowing it was a possibility doesn't stop me from feeling like I have suffered a great loss. We literally lost 2 babies overnight. I still do not know how you say goodbye forever....and I am shaken.

And so I have been silent.

Silent when it was time to say goodbye to babies who were clinging to me, begging to stay.
Silent as I hold the sobbing shoulders of my "other" kids.
Silent as I watch my husband's heart break along with mine.
Silent as my 7 year old asks me who will keep the boys safe now.
Silent as my 4 year old asks when his brothers are coming back.
Silent as I look into the sad eyes of my children.
Silent from my weekly radio program, Growing Stronger Together.
Silent from here, from this blog where I try to encourage people to SHINE.

How can I encourage others when I am struggling so deeply myself?

Maybe people are wondering if I have lost my faith in God and that is why I am writing today.

As I stated above, I am broken and shaken to my very core, but my humanness does not change who God is. Hebrews 13:8 reminds us that, "Jesus is the same yesterday, today and forever." My circumstances may have changed, but my God has not, and there is comfort in that. The truth of 2 Timothy 1:12 has become my heart's cry, "because I know whom I have believed, and am convinced that He is able to guard what I have entrusted to Him until that day."

I admit, the days have been dark, but God....
But God has been faithful,

"But you, Lord, are a compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness."       ~Psalm 86:15

"Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you, He will never leave you nor forsake you."       ~Deuteronomy 31:6

I love that, even in my humanness, maybe even despite my humanness, God remains faithful to me.
The truth is, I do not know what tomorrow holds. I do not know if there will be more heartache and pain, or if there will be some victory. I do not know, BUT God knows. I would be lying to say that I can rest easy in knowing that God has this all in his hands. My heart aches, my mind constantly worries, but when I look to the cross, I can find peace. I do not like what is happening, this part of God's plan for me. But, I don't have to like it, I only have to trust that God has a plan.

"For I know the plans I have for you...plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future."   ~Jeremiah 29:11

"All things work together for the good of those who love the Lord and who are called according to His purpose."   ~Romans 8:28

So, have I lost my faith? No way! The only thing getting me through the day to day is my faith! Yes, I am broken and I am shaken....but He is not!

"Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see."
~Hebrews 11:1

If you are walking through a dark valley and are struggling to find hope, please, please, please seek His face, immerse yourself in God's word and God's promises, He will not disappoint you. As always if you have questions or comments please send me an email at shinewomensministry @yahoo.com

With Unshakeable Faith,

Marla

Broken

2015-03-07T09:24:00.001-06:00

There are no words to express how I am feeling. In less than 48 hours we will be saying, "Goodbye" to our 3 year old and our 21 month old forever and a part of my heart is dying. There are so many things I need to do in this short time:pack their things (how do you pack 3 years of a life into a box?), pour all the love I can into them, make memories that may or may not last a lifetime, and break the news to them.

I feel like a bomb has been set up, the timer is ticking. It is ticking off the seconds and my head and heart register every click. Destruction is inevitable. People are going to get hurt. I want to call in the bomb squad, but there is NO ONE to call. NO ONE can stop this. Believe me we've tried. We've talked to more caseworkers than I care to remember, DCFS, lawyers, prayer warriors, the inspector general...no one seems able to disarm this constantly ticking, life threatening device.

Tick-Tick-Tick

Of course we know that God can-But for some reason outside of my understanding, He is not. It is not because we haven't asked. Trust me, we have been camped at the foot of His throne for weeks...years even. "His ways are not our ways..." believe me I can see that clearly. (Isaiah 55:8) And, "The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still," is echoing in my head and heart. Right next to the constant ticking of this bomb.

Tick-Tick-Tick

I do not know how to "be still." There is too much pain in being still- pain I have been running from for far too long to allow it to catch up with me now.

Tick-Tick-Tick

Is this how Joseph felt as his brothers sold him off into slavery? Or Moses as he shipped off to the palace? Moses was 3 when he left his family to go live in the palace. He had to say goodbye to the people who loved and nurtured him every day for 3 years. And yet...he remembered the teachings he had learned from his mom. (Have I done a good enough job instilling God's word into these boys? Will they remember that God loves them? Will they remember that we love them?) So many questions. Will these boys know that God has a plan for them?

How can this be part of God's plan? Tick-Tick-Tick

What about my other kids? Will they stop believing in fighting for what is right? Will they think it is too hard, too painful? Will their broken hearts mend?

Tick-Tick-Tick

How do I help them? How do I teach them that regardless of the outcome, we always do what is right? How do I walk them through this pain when I am drowning in it myself?

Tick-Tick-Tick

What do I say to a 7 year old who has emotional and physical scars from this "mom" her siblings are going to be living with? What do I say to her questions, "Who is going to check them and make sure no one is hurting them? Who will keep them safe?" And these questions were just for overnight visits. What will I say to her when she finds out this will be forever?

Tick-Tick-Tick

How do we even do this new forever?
I search God's word for comfort, and as always, it is there. Verses like Ps 21:13-14, "I would have despaired had I not known that I would see the hand of the Lord in the land of the living, wait for the Lord, take heart and wait for the Lord." or Proverbs 3:5-6 "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your paths." The list goes on and on but for some reason I cannot hold on to the peace these verses bring. It is fleeting.

Tick-Tick-Tick

Music, music has always been a balm to my wary, hurting heart. Hymns like Reach Out to Jesus and Turn Your Eyes Upon Jesus or more contemporary songs like Perfect Peace by Laura's Story. However, I can find no lasting peace here either. Everything keeps slipping through my fingers, just as these boys are slipping away from our home.

Tick-Tick-Tick

I've been in hard places before- this is not new to me. God has proven Himself faithful so many times that I should have no doubts now. So why can't I rest in that? Am I flawed somehow? Is my faith not genuine? Can I live with unanswered questions from God? Can, "Because I said so," be enough of an answer for me? The bomb keeps ticking and with it my peace is fleeting.

Tick-Tick-Tick

"You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are stayed on You." (Isaiah 26:3) Maybe this is the problem. I cannot keep my mind and heart stayed on Him. The ticking is too loud, the heartache too real.

Tick-Tick-Tick

And yet...
Somewhere in the back of my mind, somewhere in the depths of my breaking heart, I know God has not forsaken us. I may feel like Lazarus being wrapped in burial cloth- or like his sisters as they watched these events unfold- but I still believe in God. I still believe in a God who can resurrect life, even after all earthly hope is gone. Though the light of hope is extremely dim, and the ticking of the bomb is extremely loud, STILL I will trust Him.

Indeed His ways are not my ways, but I choose, despite the struggle against my humanity, to walk by faith and not by sight.

Tick-I STILL BELIEVE-Tick-I STILL BELIEVE-Tick-I STILL BELIEVE

Humble and broken~Marla

Legalized Kidnapping

2015-02-25T06:45:00.002-06:00

Maybe this is a bit extreme but I feel like I have ring side seats for a horror film entitled, Legal Kidnapping. As I sit here watching the plot unfold in this latest chapter of our lives I can only watch feeling incredibly helpless. The film is rolling and no matter how loud I scream, it just keeps moving forward.

I do agree that at first glance it may seem that I am overstating things. When we think of someone being kidnapped, there is usually the idea of a ransom of sorts, masks, and snatch and grabs. Just to make sure I wasn't crazy, I looked up the definition of the word and according to FindLaw.com the legal definition, "Under federal and state law, kidnapping is commonly defined as the taking of a person from one place to another against his or her will...."

Well, I assure you that if that is the definition then this situation applies. Week after week, I have to prepare two sweet babies to go on an extended visit. They both scream and my heart shatters again. The 3 year old, begs...BEGS me not to make him go. There is weeping and more heart breaking. It is the hardest thing I have ever had to do.

My husband and I fight them to get their coats and shoes on, all the while they continue to ask not to go. "Why can't I stay here with you Mommy?" I have no answers. For 3 years this has been his home, we have been his parents. Our 20 month old expresses the same struggles...no one understands.

Week after week this continues. We share the struggle with our caseworker, with our CASA, with any one who will listen.

"This is hard for everyone."

"Transitions are hard."

"No one is interested in _(insert child's name here)_ opinion, Mrs. Graham."

These are the answers we are given.

It is mind boggling. It is gut wrenching. It is not fair. But, there is NOTHING we can do except watch the same film play out week after week after week.

And that is just when we are dealing with the two transitioning. We drop them off and come home to a house turned upside down. The other two siblings are frightened, they remember what this place, these people did to them. They worry and fret. Nightmares govern the sleeping hours at our home.

The older kids each wrestle with this news in various ways. Sadness, anger, fear...these are what replay on their movie screens.

All of us question. We question a system that is suppose to help kids but is inflicting this much pain. We question caseworkers, judges, lawyers... all of humanity. And hardest of all, we question God.

Where are You in all of this? Do you see this down here? I know You could stop this so WHY WHY WHY aren't You?

As with most of life, there are more questions than answers. We try to focus on God's promises:

"The Lord will fight for you, you need only to be still." Exodus 14:14

"For I know the plans I have for you (all of you), plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you a hope and a future."
Jeremiah 29:11

"Those who hope (or wait)in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, walk and not be faint." Isaiah 40:31

Oh but we are weary...very, very weary. We continue to seek God's face and we remind ourselves in this darkness that God is still on the throne. We remember that Hebrews 11 says FAITH is the evidence of things unseen, and we continue on through this role we have been cast in.

I know that we are not the only ones walking a hard road, and that is why I share this post. I think there is strength in numbers, in knowing that we are not alone. Maybe your horror movie is different than ours. Maybe you are going through an unwanted divorce. Maybe someone that means everything to you is fighting a terminal illness. Maybe you are losing your job, your way of life. The heartaches are all different, but the questions are the same:

Where are You in all of this? Do you see this down here? I know You could stop this so WHY WHY WHY aren't You?

The answers are the same also. God is still on the throne and He does have a plan, He is fighting for us, and He will renew our strength! I am here waiting too, and if you need, I will sit next to you. We can put our movies on one of those fancy double screens and pray for each other as the events roll out before us.

Email me, call me, message me...I will pray!

Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves.
A cord of three strands is not quickly broken. Ecclesiastes 4:12

If you are interested in helping us pay for legal counsel, please check out our story at Go Fund Me. We appreciate your prayers!

You Mad Bro?

2015-01-08T20:11:00.001-06:00

The answer to this question is a loud, resounding YES! I am mad. We are smack dab in the middle of some really stinky stuff and if you want me to be honest, I AM MAD!

I know, I know. Some of you are thinking, "What kind of pastor's wife is she?" Or maybe, "Doesn't she trust God?" To be honest with you, I am shaking my head at myself.

You see, I KNOW that God is in control, I KNOW he has all of this in His hands. I KNOW all of the Scriptures (Your ways our not my ways oh Lord...I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you...Trust in the Lord with all your heart...) I have shared them with others countless times. But in this moment, in the darkness that is creeping toward me, I cannot seem to get past the mad long enough to rest in these promises.

Each time I feel like I am closer to being okay, we are hit by another blow. It is something that is hard to explain unless you've walked in the valley of the shadow of death. We have been foster parents now for 7 years...7. Those 7 years have challenged us, broken us, strengthened us, broken us some more, unified us, renewed our faith, and so many more things.

7 years is a long time. 7 years and 4 additions to our family. It changes you. And when it is time to send kids back to the same broken place they came from, it is hard and heart breaking, and you are left with more questions than you have answers for.

Every time I look into these sweet boys unknowing eyes I am mad.

Every time there are empty spaces at my dinner table, I am mad.

Bedtime prayers at empty beds, cause my anger to rise again.

Every time I dry the tears of my 4 year old, or calm the fears of my 7 year old, I am mad.

Every time I see the fear or worry in my older daughters' eyes, or watch them pull away from others, I am mad.

Cries and pleas of, "Please no, I stay here," rip out every ounce of self control I have managed to maintain, and I am mad.

Every time I hear the anger in my son's voice, I am mad.

Every time I get a hug or snuggle from these boys we are losing, I am mad.

A half empty church pew that use to overflow robs me of my joy, and I am mad.

Every family activity we do without them, I am mad.

Every time I hear, "The system is so broken," I am mad.

You know what's worse than grieving? Watching each and everyone of those around you grieving and being absolutely helpless. I feel like I am walking around with a gaping hole in my chest and with each beat of my heart, something more breaks.

I KNOW this is not a good place to be. I KNOW it is not somewhere I can stay, and each time these angry feeling start rising up inside me I am wracked with guilt because I know it isn't how I ought to respond.

Or is it?

In his book, Letters to Malcolm, Chiefly on Prayer, C.S. Lewis wrote, "We must lay before him what is in us and not what ought to be in us." When I read that it got me to thinking. The truth is God knows what we are really thinking and feeling, right? So who are we fooling if we pretend we are at peace with all that wars around us? Isn't that pretending to be something we aren't, and isn't that what the Pharisees did?

Instead I started thinking about how some of the Bible heroes reacted when their circumstances weren't what they had hoped.

Probably the man most famous for suffering that we can read about in the Bible is Job. I have often joked and even blogged before on how Job has nothing on me. If you are familiar with the story you know that Job literally lost everything in a short amount of time. He lost his children, his wealth, and even his health. The kicker for me is that it was God himself who chose Job to be tested by satan. It is a humbling reminder that nothing comes our way without God's approval.

What I most want to point out though, is Job's reaction to his suffering.

Job is broken, he shaves his head, tears his clothes and begins mourning. Well meaning friends come to encourage him, they hardly recognize him when they arrive. They remain silent until Job speaks and pours out his heart, even wishing he had never been born. His friends are disappointed with his response - they even blame him for all that is happening. In fact by chapter 19 Job says to his friends, “Then Job replied:

²“How long will you torment me
and crush me with words?
³Ten times now you have reproached me;
shamelessly you attack me”

But by chapter 38 the Lord speaks and validates Job’s feelings and struggles. He also reminds Job that HE is God, but the story ends with these words:

¹²The Lord blessed the latter part of Job’s life more than the former part. (42:12) So we see that Job was angry and broken for a season.

And then there is David. You don't have to read too many Psalms before you see that the man God himself refers to as, "A man after my own heart," is often broken and crying out. If you asked David, "Are you mad, bro?" I think he would have often answered with a loud, resounding, "YES!"

Psalm 22 verses 1-5 are a perfect example of this:

¹"My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?
    Why are you so far from saving me,
    so far from my cries of anguish?
²My God, I cry out by day, but you do not answer,
    by night, but I find no rest.

³Yet you are enthroned as the Holy One;
    you are the one Israel praises.
⁴In you our ancestors put their trust;
    they trusted and you delivered them.
⁵To you they cried out and were saved;
    in you they trusted and were not put to shame."

I feel like I could have penned these verses, I cry out by day but you do not answer...God are you listening to me? Our ancestors put their trust in you and You showed up....God where are you now?

These are just two of several examples through out Scripture of Godly men and women having a season of anger to work through. The key, I suggest, is not getting stuck there.

If you continue to read through Psalm 22 David begins to remind himself of who watches over him. He says things like, "But you, Lord, do not be far from me.You are my strength; come quickly to help me." (vs 19).

And I can agree with David by saying, "Lord I know we can get through this, You and me, but it might have to be mostly You."

Next he reminds himself what he needs to do, "I will declare your name to my people; in the assembly I will praise you." (vs 22)

And I cry out, "Lord I know You are who You say You are, and You are good. I will praise you in this storm, but I am wet and cold. I am battered from these fierce winds, so I need your help."

Then David reminds God of His promises: "For he has not despised or scorned the suffering of the afflicted one; he has not hidden his face from him but has listened to his cry for help."(vs 26)

And I cry out, "Lord nothing grieves your heart more than when your children are hurting. When you walked this earth you welcomed the little ones into your presence. Your word says it is better for a millstone to be placed around someone's neck andthey be thrown into a lake than to hurt a child (Matthew 18:6). I know it is not Your desire that these babies be put in harm's way."

David wraps up his heart felt cry with these simple words, "He has done it!" (vs 31)

And I cry out, "Lord please do it!"

I think it is okay to have conversations with God that are real, and gut-wrenchingly honest. It is okay to cry out and question when things around you don't make sense. I think it is okay to remind him of his promises.

I think it is okay to hurt, to be broken, and to cry out in anguish. Even Christ himself cried out, "My God, my God why have you forsaken me? (Matthew 27:46)

We just cannot stay there. I do not know how much time passed between verse 1 of David's Psalm and verse 31. I imagine that time frame is different for each of us. I think I am still very near the first portion of these verses, so if you see me out and about, please know that I have not given up on my faith. I know that God is in control and that in the end I will be able to say like Joseph, "What you intended for evil the Lord has used for good." (Gen 50:20) But, I am not there yet, at least not in my heart. My head is there, the truth is solid but my heart is still mending.

As I wrap up this lengthy piece, I want to leave you with one truth I have discovered on this journey. Peace is not the absence of fighting, here on earth we will never fully have that. Peace is a rest in knowing that despite all that is raging around us, God is in control and we are in His hands. I am working on sewing that into my heart, but until then will you pray for us?

"I Hate Christmas"

2014-12-16T06:20:00.001-06:00

Ok, hear me out before you start sending me messages telling me what the true meaning of Christmas is all about...

This past weekend one of my daughters made this statement, "I hate Christmas." I listened to her heart, loved on her, and intended to send her a note later in the week when she was a little more ready to hear it, reminding her that Christmas is all about HOPE, and Jesus coming down to earth as a baby, vulnerable and innocent, because of His love for mankind. Telling her that we cannot allow the circumstances around us to rob us of the joy of this season.

I intended to, but then we had court, and the Grinch (aka the judge) stole Christmas right out from underneath me. He ruled that two of our boys would not be spending Christmas morning with us.

Now another of my daughters said to me, "Mom, I hate Xmas." What she meant was that she hates all the commercialism of Christmas that takes away from the true meaning of the holiday.

Lest you think I am raising a household of Grinches, I assure you that I love Christmas, I love the music, the lights, the decorations, the stockings, the food, the sense of peace on earth, I love all of it. (And for the record, so does my other daughter, Jennah!) I love the traditions of Christmas, or at least I did.

Honestly though, this latest ruling has taken the wind our of my Christmas sail. It is as if the Grinch himself came and took our Christmas tree back up the chimney.

To be fair, I was already struggling. Jeremiah got married back in November and we were adjusting to the knowledge that we would not be spending Christmas day with him and his wife. My heart was already sad by how life is changing. I mean you are talking (or reading from) the girl who cries after all the presents are opened every year because it marks a change. This is the last year we will give a baby doll as a gift....this is the last year anyone will willing put on the feety pajamas...this is the last year before so and so goes off to college.... Remember, I love the traditions of Christmas.

So the news that Christmas morning will not be what we had planned is more than heart breaking. I am devastated. I want to do nothing more than lie in my bed and sob...which for the record I have done. I want to scream at God and question whether or not He is paying attention to what is happening down here on Railroad Street...which for the record I have done. I want to complain to anyone who will listen about how our Christmas is ruined...which for the record I AM doing right now.

But what is truth? Is my current, "I hate Christmas" attitude okay because the circumstances surrounding me are pretty awful? Or are the words I intended to share with my daughter true?

"Christmas is all about HOPE, and Jesus coming down to earth as a baby, vulnerable and innocent, because of His love for mankind... we cannot allow the circumstances around us to rob us of the joy of this season."

OUCH!

The truth is even back in the day...actually THE DAY, on the day that God became flesh, it was not what everyone had expected. In fact the world had No room for Him. When He was ready to enter this cold, sin-filled earth, there was no place for him.

I bet Mary's "Christmas" was ruined when she found out that she was going to have to travel to Bethlehem while being 9 months pregnant.

Or what about Joseph? Do you suppose his day was ruined when he found out the woman he was engaged to was pregnant?

This is not what either of them expected!

Then they arrive in Bethlehem just as the labor pains begin. Do you think Joseph stomped the ground and yelled, "Just our luck!" when he found out there was no place but a dirty stable for his wife to give birth in.

Maybe he yelled at God, "Is this what you want for YOUR son?" "Are you paying attention to what is happening down here in Bethlehem?"

Or how about Jesus himself? What a rude awakening to go from Heaven's glory to the filthy, smelly stable. Do you suppose somewhere in His infant mind he thought, "I hate Christmas."??

I guess what I am trying to say, from my very broken heart, is that Christmas is not....cannot be, about out expectations. Christmas is about a Holy God having a plan that is bigger than any of us can see in this moment.

Truth is, Christmas is going to be hard this year. We are going to have to adjust our expectations but I always come back to this
1- God is still God and 2- He is still on the throne.

I am sure we are not the only family who feel like the Grinch has stole our holiday. Many people have lost loved ones this past year, or even as recently as this past month. Others will spend the holiday season overseas serving our country, or here missing their loved ones who are serving out country. Still others will pace the floors of a hospital waiting room on Christmas day. Someone somewhere will sit in an empty nursery brokenhearted over another Christmas with empty arms.... Truly the list goes on and on. So what I want to remind each of you, each of us, is that this season really is a season of HOPE.

"The Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us. We have seen his glory, the glory of the one and only Son, who came from the Father, full of grace and truth." (John 1:14)

A God who loves me enough to send His son, knowing the cruelties He would face, surely knows what is happening down here on Railroad Street.

Reminds me of the song, "A Strange Way to Save the World."

"All things work together for the good of those who love the Lord and who are called according to His purpose." Romans 8:28

(Even when it doesn't feel like it!)

Do You Wanna Join the Chaos?

2014-11-12T20:04:00.002-06:00

Ok, just to warn you right up front, this is not going to be one of my more serious blogs! It has been an especially stressful day and so I thought I would share something a bit more lighthearted!

It started as an accident actually. My Myrah girl is away at college and we are missing each other, so I decided to send her a series of different videos: her brothers saying hello, and other silly things. All of this was happening one night while I was cleaning up supper. We had eaten spaghetti, and anyone who has ever mixed spaghetti and toddlers needs no further explanation, but for
those of you who have missed out on this delightful experience, I will cue you in on the fact that spaghetti noodles never stay on the table, and they stick to everything. Add to this a bit of yogurt and a quirky sense of humor and this is the message my sweet Myrah got! Of course I actually sang it to her, but I will spare you that pain!

Do You Want to Join the Chaos
words by Marla Graham, music from Disney :)

Do you wanna join the chaos?
There's yogurt on the walls.
Spaghetti noodles everywhere,
There in my hair....there even down the hall.

I use to have a clean house
But now I don't
Children have come to stay
Do you want to join the choas?
It doesn't have to be just chaos.

Myrah responded, "I don't miss that!" and I responded,

"Okay bye"

Keep smiling my friends and find humor in the small things! Questions, comments, or therapeutic advice? Feel free to contact me!

^{Proverbs 17:22}A joyful heart is good medicine,
but a crushed spirit dries up the bones.

This Old House

2014-11-09T17:15:00.003-06:00

When I saw this house being torn down the other day, I was struck by incredible sadness. No, I have never lived there. In fact, I don't know that I have noticed the house much in the past. So why was I sad? Well, I couldn't help thinking about the original builder.

Was it a young man, eager to build a first home for his new bride? Was he filled with uncontainable excitement as he told his beloved about their first home?

Was it a family farm that had been passed down from generation to generation? Did the man build it with his own hands?

I couldn't stop thinking about the stories that house had watched unfold: first loves, Christmas celebrations, countless birthdays, a family working together, new life, death, so many things had happened inside these walls.

By now though, those glory days have come and gone and the mark of time and life itself has brought this house to the point where the owner felt it was no longer worth saving. The valuables have been removed, and all that is left is for the structure to be leveled.

That got me thinking about my own life and how it is like that of a house. God was the original builder. He worked hard and planned out all of my days. (Job 14:5)

Was he filled with excitement as He talked to His beloved Father God about all the things that lie ahead for this "house?" Was there long discussions about the family history being started in this new establishment?

Lo and behold, the "house" was built and I entered the world, just as God had planned and then began to be marked by life itself. Sin began leaking into my life and making my "house" worn down. Sometimes the sin that brought destruction to my house was of no fault of my own, and other times....oh other times, I brought the damage on myself. It wasn't long before my "house" began to look as if it needed some repairs. As my "house" weathered more days and more damage, it began to look as if it might indeed be beyond repair. Perhaps it would be more cost effective to simply tear it down and start over?

Oh but that is not at all how God works! 2 Corinthians 4:16 assures us, "Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day." I am so thankful that God will always view me as a work in progress and a "house" worth saving!

Oh there are definitely areas that need repaired, but the Master builder will be certain to provide the best care and needed repairs. You know this makes me think of a song.

It is an old Sunday School song, He's Still Working On Me The words are:

He's still working on me
To make me what I ought to be
Took Him just a week to make the moon and the stars
The sun and the Earth and Jupiter and Mars
How loving and patient He must be
'Cause He's still working on me

Think I will have a necklace made with this image on it! Blessings my friends, I am going to spend this season of Thanksgiving being thankful for the truth of Hebrews 12:2, "fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God."