Tuesdays with Muerte

Window Seat

2026-07-22T17:49:53.874-06:00

Window Seat

Photograph by Stacia
Contemporary Photography

A commuter train becomes an unlikely sanctuary. Seated at a table strewn with the paperwork of modern productivity, the subject is captured at the precise instant his attention abandons the demands before him. His gaze turns instead toward a fleeting sunset—already slipping behind industrial buildings and the frame of the train window.

The photograph is built upon a series of visual correspondences and competing forces. The magenta glow of the horizon echoes the rose-colored shirt, binding the figure to the landscape that beckons him. Yet everything else conspires to hold him inside: the paperwork spread across the table, the enclosed train car, the rigid geometry of seats and windows, and the momentum of a commute defined by purpose and efficiency. Reflections in the glass collapse the boundary between these worlds, portraying the subject suspended between obligation and wonder.

The image poses a deceptively simple question: What is lost when we never look up? The sunset offers nothing measurable—no promotion, no completed task, no checked box. Its value lies entirely in its impermanence. The commuter’s default orientation is toward work; productivity has become his natural posture. But for one brief moment, another world insists on being seen. Nature interrupts not with urgency, but with invitation.

A final layer of meaning emerges from the unseen presence behind the camera. The photograph was made not by a detached observer but by the subject’s wife, transforming the image into something more intimate than a candid observation. Her perspective suggests that the world beyond professional demands is populated not only by sunsets, but by the people who quietly accompany our journeys. In this reading, the landscape itself becomes a metaphor—its persistent beauty echoing a family’s equally persistent desire to be noticed. The sunset calls the subject to lift his eyes, but perhaps it is also the photographer, and the life she represents, asking to be seen. The photograph leaves unanswered whether the subject merely admired an evening sky, or whether, in looking outward, he momentarily rediscovered what home truly meant.

Choosing to Matter in an Uncaring Universe

2026-01-11T17:35:00.002-07:00

Image: Elscer CC 3.0

Watching Andor alongside a recent article in The Atlantic helped something click for me about why I so strongly resonate with stories of rebellion. It isn’t the action or the aesthetics—it’s the moral logic underneath them.

Drawing on Rebecca Newberger Goldstein’s The Mattering Instinct, the idea is that life isn’t about happiness so much as meaning. Life is temporary, and every living being is an intricate, energy-driven project engaged in a ceaseless struggle against entropy (The Atlantic).

Andor captures this well: ordinary people sacrificing not just happiness, but relationships—and even their lives—in rebellion against an Empire a million times stronger, because making something matter is worth the cost.

From an LDS perspective, this resonates deeply. This life is a time to learn how to live like God. That ongoing project of becoming gives my life meaning. My lifelong project of Christian discipleship matters not only for the eternal destiny of me and my family, but also for the people I interact with here and now. I want to help everyone I come in contact with receive these same promised blessings.

Why the President Gets Four Years — and Why That Still Matters

2026-01-08T13:44:00.011-07:00

(Image: NYT front page, January 8, 2026)

With a president who appears comfortable testing institutional boundaries, it’s worth revisiting why the presidency is structured the way it is. The four-year presidential term and the later two-term limit—often taken for granted—were not inevitable. Both emerged from a persistent fear of concentrated executive power and of creating a king in all but name.

A Constitution Written in Fear of Power

When delegates gathered in Philadelphia in the summer of 1787, they had no clear model for an elected executive. Monarchies dominated the Western world, and existing republics offered cautionary tales rather than inspiration. The framers were starting from scratch—and arguing fiercely.

Early proposals varied wildly. Some delegates favored short three-year terms. Others supported seven-year terms, or even a single term with no reelection, fearing what one delegate called an “elective king” who would cling to power and establish a dynasty. At one point, seven-year terms were formally approved—but doubts lingered, especially about reelection and accountability (source).

Findings the Middle Ground

The core problem was balance. Short terms risked constant campaigning and weak leadership. Long terms risked corruption and consolidation of power. Over weeks of debate, proposals ranged from three years to fifteen years to lifetime appointments.

By late August, the convention settled on a compromise: a four-year term with the possibility of reelection. Alexander Hamilton defended this structure in Federalist No. 71, arguing that four years provided enough stability for decisive leadership while preserving accountability through elections. The term also fit neatly between the House’s two-year cycle and the Senate’s six-year terms, positioning the president between short-term public pressure and long-term national interests.

Limits, Traditions, and Guardrails

Notably, the Constitution originally placed no limit on how many times a president could be reelected. The framers trusted voters to prevent permanent rule. George Washington reinforced that trust by voluntarily stepping down after two terms, establishing a powerful norm that endured for nearly 150 years.

That tradition broke during World War II, when Franklin D. Roosevelt won third and fourth terms amid global crisis. After his presidency, concerns about executive overreach resurfaced. Congress responded by passing the 22nd Amendment in 1947, formally limiting presidents to two four-year terms.

Why This History Matters Now

The four-year term was designed as a safeguard—not too short to paralyze leadership, not too long to invite authoritarianism. It reflects a deliberate effort to restrain power while allowing it to function.

At a moment when presidential norms and limits are being tested, this history is a reminder: the system was built with skepticism, not blind trust. The boundaries matter precisely because those in power will always be tempted to push them.

Etymology: "Waiting for the other Shoe to Drop"

2025-10-02T11:34:00.012-06:00

Image: Dangling Shoes from Pixabay.

The phrase "waiting for the other shoe to drop" originates from early 20th-century New York City tenements, where thin floors made it possible to hear upstairs neighbors preparing for bed by dropping one shoe, and then anxiously awaiting the second thud. Over time, the phrase evolved from this literal experience to its current idiomatic meaning: to anticipate an inevitable, often negative, event or outcome.

Let Kids Fail: Why Overprotective Parenting Hurts More Than It Helps

2025-03-19T10:30:00.004-06:00

We all want our kids to be happy, safe, and successful. But what if our efforts to protect them are actually holding them back?
Over the past few decades, parenting has shifted from helicoptering—hovering close and monitoring every move—to lawnmowering, where parents clear every obstacle in a child’s path. Both come from love, but both send the same subtle message: “You can’t handle this.”
And that message can quietly chip away at a child’s confidence and resilience.

Helicopter vs. Lawnmower Parenting: Two Sides of the Same Coin

Helicopter parents hover overhead—constantly checking where their kids are, who they’re with, and what they’re doing.
For years, researchers believed this kind of “monitoring” kept kids out of trouble. But research tells a different story:
Only 5% of what parents know about their teens comes from strict monitoring.
About 50% comes from kids choosing to share—because they trust their parents.
This finding stems from a landmark 1999 study on parental knowledge and adolescent behavior (Kerr et al., 1999), which was subsequently reaffirmed by the same authors in a longitudinal study (Kerr et al., 2010). Other studies have confirmed that warmth and open communication, rather than surveillance, predict positive teen outcomes (Soenens et al., 2006).
Then came lawnmower parenting, the modern (post-2010) upgrade. These parents don’t just hover—they pave the way. They call the teacher before the child can, smooth over conflicts, and solve every problem before it reaches their kid’s radar.
The result? Kids who struggle when an adult isn't around.

Why Failure Matters

Here’s the hard truth: Kids who never fail don’t learn how to recover.
Recent research backs this up. A 2025 study in Frontiers in Psychology found that students’ perception of their parents’ attitude toward failure predicts their academic resilience—and that this connection is powered by a growth mindset. When parents treat mistakes as learning opportunities, kids bounce back stronger (Zhou et al., 2025).
Other studies link overprotective parenting to lower self-esteem, higher anxiety, and a weaker sense of self. When parents remove every challenge, kids lose the feedback loops that build confidence—“Was that hard? Did I try? What did I learn?” (Choe et al., 2020).
In short, kids need real, supported opportunities to fail.
Parenting, Lumos sp, Adobe Stock, Modified

What the Experts Say

Dr. Becky Kennedy, clinical psychologist and founder of Good Inside has become one of the most trusted modern voices in parenting.
Her approach, often called sturdy leadership, encourages parents to combine warmth and firmness—to guide rather than control.
She reminds parents that rescuing a child from every challenge may offer short-term relief but creates long-term fragility. As Dr. Becky explains:
“Our job isn’t to prevent every fall—it’s to help them get back up.”
She teaches parents to:
Let kids make mistakes safely.
Respond with empathy, not panic.
Model repair by admitting your own missteps.
You can hear her discuss this approach on The Tim Ferriss Show (Episode 784, 2024) and in her interview with The New Yorker (Goldstein, 2024).

How to Step Back Without Stepping Away

If you want to raise confident, resilient kids, try these research-backed shifts:
**Replace control with connection.
Talk, listen, and stay curious, rather than constantly monitoring every move (Kerr et al., 1999). For example, I recently heard Matthew McConaughey talk with Drew Barrymore about his new approach to parenting teenage girls as a big brother rather than a domineering parental figure.
Let small failures happen.
Don’t call the teacher after one bad grade—let your child work through the problem. Help them identify the potential consequences. Let them choose to act. (Zhou et al., 2025 ).
Model imperfection.**
Admit your own mistakes and show how you recover (Kennedy, Good Inside, 2022).
Encourage reflection, not rescue.
After something bad happens, ask: “What did you learn?” instead of “How can I fix this?” Find ways to encourage them to want to come to you instead of forcing your wisdom upon them.
Focus on emotional safety.
Kids open up when they feel safe—not when they feel watched. (Soenens et al., 2006).

The Takeaway: Connection Over Control

When we remove every obstacle, we rob kids of the chance to discover their own strength.
Helicopter parents hover. Lawnmower parents clear the path. But resilient parents walk beside their children—close enough to help when needed, far enough to let them try, fail, and grow.
The goal isn’t a smooth path.
It’s a strong traveler.

References

Kerr, M., Stattin, H., & Burk, W. J. (2010). A reinterpretation of parental monitoring in longitudinal perspective. Journal of Research on Adolescence, 20(1), 39-64.
Soenens, B., Vansteenkiste, M., Luyckx, K., & Goossens, L. (2006). Parenting and adolescent problem behavior: an integrated model with adolescent self-disclosure and perceived parental knowledge as intervening variables. Developmental psychology, 42(2), 305–318.
Zhou, X., Li, Z., & Xu, F. (2025). Parental attitudes toward failure and academic resilience: The mediating role of growth mindset. Frontiers in Psychology.
Choe, S.-Y., et al. (2020). Self-concept as a mechanism through which parental psychological control impairs empathy development from adolescence to emerging adulthood. Journal of Youth and Adolescence.
Kennedy, B. (2022). Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be. Harper Wave.

***

Bonus Parenting Tips From BYU Professor, Dr. Adam Rogers:

Based on this research, the following strategies focus on nurturing the (short and long-term) emotional connection and trust that make teens feel safe and willing to disclose information willingly.

1. Prioritize Open Communication:

Create regular opportunities for casual conversations.
Listen actively without immediate judgment or criticism.
Ask open-ended questions that invite thoughtful responses.

2. Demonstrate Empathy and Understanding:

Validate your teen’s feelings, even when disagreeing with them.
Show genuine interest in their perspectives, interests, and daily experiences.
Avoid dismissive responses or minimizing their problems.

3. Offer Emotional Support Consistently:

Be available and approachable, especially when your teen seeks guidance or help.
Respond calmly to mistakes or missteps rather than reacting harshly or with punishment.
Emphasize unconditional love and acceptance, separate from achievements or behavior.

4. Respect Privacy and Boundaries:

Avoid invasive monitoring that can damage trust.
Give teens reasonable autonomy and opportunities to demonstrate responsibility.
Allow them space to make choices and learn from natural consequences when appropriate.

5. Be Mindful of Timing and Mood:

Choose appropriate moments for important conversations (when your teen seems receptive).
Understand that forcing conversations when your teen is upset or moody may backfire.

6. Foster Mutual Trust:

Share your own relevant experiences honestly to model openness.
Acknowledge and admit your mistakes or imperfections openly, modeling accountability and trustworthiness.

7. Create Positive Shared Experiences:

Regularly spend enjoyable time together without pressure or agenda.
Engage in activities your teen enjoys to build rapport and show you value their interests.

Why is DEI Dying?

2025-01-10T16:31:00.005-07:00

Big societal changes can be hard to spot at first, but one shift happening across the United States is clear: DEI programs focused on are losing support, and an anti-DEI movement is gaining strength.

What is DEI?

So, what is DEI? Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion (DEI). Many people first heard about it in 2020 after George Floyd’s tragic death raised national awareness and sparked protests against racism and police violence. In response, companies and schools worked to create or expand DEI programs. These programs aim to promote fairness and make sure workplaces and classrooms include and support people from all backgrounds. DEI isn’t just about hiring; it’s also about creating a welcoming culture and improving how organizations treat everyone.

Winds of Change

When DEI programs first gained attention, many saw them as a positive step toward fairness, and criticizing them often felt like opposing equality. However, in just a few years, that perspective has shifted. For some, DEI has become a target, symbolizing what they see as problems with large organizations, such as excessive bureaucracy, poor decision-making, or lack of results. Critics—especially those with conservative views—have grown more vocal, gaining powerful allies and amplifying their message.

Since as early as 2022, various journalists have observed evidence of DEI pushback across various sectors, influenced by several key factors:

Political and Legal Shifts: The re-election of President Donald Trump has prompted many corporations to reassess their DEI commitments. Companies like Meta, Amazon, McDonald's, and Walmart have scaled back or eliminated DEI programs, aligning with the administration's stance and anticipating regulatory changes.
Supreme Court Ruling: The 2023 Supreme Court decision against affirmative action in college admissions has had a ripple effect on corporate DEI policies. Firms are reevaluating initiatives to ensure compliance with the new legal landscape, leading to the discontinuation of certain diversity-focused programs.
Conservative Activism: Conservative activists have actively campaigned against DEI initiatives, labeling them as 'discriminatory.' This pressure has resulted in companies retracting DEI commitments to avoid public backlash and potential legal challenges.
Critiques of Effectiveness: Critics argue that DEI programs often fail to achieve their intended outcomes and can inadvertently foster division rather than inclusion. Studies suggest that certain diversity training programs may not effectively reduce bias and could even provoke defensive responses. E.g., Last month, the University of Michigan announced that it would end the practice of requiring diversity statements as a component of faculty hiring, promotion, and tenure decisions. The change came following an extensive New York Times Magazine investigation that argued that the school’s $250M investment in DEI initiatives had all but failed (The Atlantic). Adopters of AI-hiring tools did so to avoid bias, but it has been revealed that the bias of the engineers is shining through.

Conclusion

This cultural shift raises important questions: Why are so many people turning against DEI? What does this reveal about American culture today? Will DEI efforts fade away entirely, and how will that affect the way we address diversity and fairness in schools, workplaces, and society? As part of this conversation, we must also reflect on whether this shift risks normalizing harmful language and behaviors that many have worked hard to leave behind.

Regardless of where you stand on DEI, it’s clear the debate is becoming more intense and complex. At its core, this discussion highlights a deeper struggle over what fairness and inclusion mean in America—and how we can create a better future together. I feel fortunate to work at BYU, a university with a strong vision of belonging rooted in seeing all individuals as children of God, equal in His sight. This vision provides a steady foundation for BYU's belonging efforts, even as cultural trends shift around us.

Resources

DEI: THE DEATH OF AN IDEOLOGY by NLPC
META: Kills DEI Programs by AXIOS
Which US companies are pulling back on diversity initiatives? by AP News
Meta, Amazon ditch DEI programs as tech giants move away from ‘woke’ agenda by New York Post
The End of the DEI Era by The Atlantic
The death of DEI — and 9 things HR needs to do now to bring it back by HR Morning
Can DEI survive an anti-woke backlash? by The Week
DEI is dead. Long live DEI by Fortune via Yahoo! Finance
Is DEI Going Away? Here’s What Experts Say by Knowledge at Wharton
DEI Might Be Dying: John Deere and Microsoft Make Big Changes Major companies are stepping away from the terminology. Should your business follow? by Inc.
Corporate DEI: What to expect in 2025 with the new Trump administration by HR Executive
Formal DEI programs may be dead—but diversity is more important than ever by HSF Research
Is DEI dying? Trump turns the tide on America’s racial reckoning by The Straits Times
The two real reasons why DEI is dying by The Telegraph

When Machines Think Better Than We Do

2024-10-02T14:03:00.012-06:00

If I could change one thing about the U.S. education system, it would be to prioritize problem solving over memorization.

When I first read Getting Things Done by David Allen, one idea stuck with me: our brains have limited energy—so we should use them for thinking, not just storing. Yet traditional education trains us to memorize instead of reason.

As a result, many adults struggle with basic problem-solving—not from lack of intelligence, but from lack of practice.

I recently saw a funny video of a dad totally misfiring on a simple logic puzzle. It’s relatable because we’ve all done it. He’s not dumb—just out of practice.

Meanwhile, I asked ChatGPT the same question, and it reasoned through it perfectly.

That got me wondering:

As AI gets better at reasoning, will humans get worse?

Will we use AI as a tutor to strengthen our thinking—or as a crutch that weakens it?

Song Analysis: Your Blood by Aurora

2024-08-19T17:16:00.025-06:00

Do You Recognize the Melody?

When I first listened to Aurora's 2023 hit single, "Your Blood," I was immediately reminded of "Lovefool," a 1996 classic from fellow Scandinavians, The Cardigans. I assumed they were both singing about unrequited love, but I realized they told different stories as I spent more time with Aurora's work.

Background Interview with the Artist

In this article, A Matter of the Heart, Aurora gives listeners a glimpse into the meaning behind her hit single, "Your Blood". In summary, "Your Blood" reflects on the loss of heart and empathy in a world driven by rationality and profit, exploring themes of pain, empathy, and interconnectedness. Inspired by a letter written by Indigenous activists from Brazil, Aurora's album, What Happened to the Heart?, questions humanity's reliance on mind over heart, highlighting how decisions driven by logic rather than compassion lead to suffering, both for the Earth and marginalized individuals. Through her album What Happened to the Heart?, she emphasizes the need to reconnect with the heart’s qualities—love, intuition, and empathy—to heal from trauma and navigate a fractured world. Aurora's message advocates for emotional honesty and self-healing as paths to reclaiming humanity's lost sensitivity and compassion.

My Analysis

The album calls for global healing by urging us to reconnect with the ways of our ancestors, who were deeply connected to all living things, especially their own hearts. Our disconnection from this source of empathy and unity—the heart—creates pent-up rage, frustrating and dividing us. Without addressing this, it will eventually lead to our self-destruction. "Your Blood" acts as a guide toward peace and abundance, offering a way to escape this downward spiral.

The first step to reconciliation, according to the song, is allowing ourselves to fully feel our rage. This intense emotion becomes the spark that bridges the gap between our minds and hearts. As the rage subsides, we can finally hear the life pulsing within us—our blood—and reflect on where we come from. This meditation naturally leads us to rediscover our connection with all living things, guiding us toward healing rather than self-destruction. We hold the cure within ourselves.

Evolution of This Creative Remix

Here is my analysis of the creative evolution toward the final masterpiece:

This + (This x That) = Your Blood + A little bit of this = Your Blood Remix (see 5:05)

Image created using Adobe Firefly

Song Lyrics

Your blood, what matter is it made of?

Do you feel it travel in and out your heart?
Needles, stitching up the big holes
You've prepared for battle, as you fell apart

Are you dust?

You are dust, dust

Your voice drowning in the white noise

Do you hear the echo begging you to let go?
(Let go, let go, let go)
This earth, whoever was it made for?
Just wait until tomorrow, it might not be as cold
(Cold, cold, cold, cold, cold)

Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na

La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-na-na
Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na
La-la-la-da-da-da-da

When all inside you burns like a star

It's after you burn out that you are
Reborn again
Reborn again

And maybe if you called out for help

Then I could help you outrun yourself
Come run again
We'll run again

But I

I refuse to die
I refuse to die

But I

I refuse to die
I refuse to die (na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na)
(Na, na, na, na, na-ah)

And we are dust

Hm (na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na)
We are dust (la-la-la-da-da-da-da)

When all inside you burns like a star

It's after you burn out that you are
Reborn again, hm
Reborn again

And maybe if you called out for help

Then I could help you outrun yourself
Come run again
Come run again

We are dust

You are dust
You are dust

You are dust (dust)

You are dust
You are dust, hm
You are dust

Your blood, what matter is it made of?

Do you feel it travel in and out your heart?

Conclusion

"Your Blood" and "Lovefool" are thematically similar. They both tell the story of love lost. However, in Lovefool, the singer hopelessly yearns for reconnection. And Your Blood represents the cosmos calling to us on a cellular and metaphysical level, hoping we'll listen.

"The cosmos is within us. We are made of star stuff. We are a way for the universe to know itself." —Carl Sagan, Cosmos Miniseries, 1980

Facing the Unknown With Faith and Humility

2024-08-19T14:03:00.006-06:00

Kenneth Rooks poses after winning the silver medal in the men's 3,000-meter steeplechase final, at the 2024 Summer Olympics, Wednesday, Aug. 7, 2024, in Saint-Denis, France. Ashley Landis, Associated Press

According to a Church News article, Kenneth Rooks, a former Brigham Young University track star and Latter-day Saint missionary, said that Alma 26 from The Book of Mormon inspired him to win a silver medal in the 2024 Summer Olympics men's 3,000-meter steeplechase.

In the chapter, Ammon says, "I know that I am nothing; as to my strength I am weak; therefore I will not boast of myself, but I will boast of my God, for in his strength I can do all things" (verse 12). Rooks said this passage reminded him to be humble and trust the Lord. He also said that he was thinking about being an instrument in God's hands and that the Olympics were an opportunity to do that.

Inspiration I draw from Rook's Olympic story:

Rooks feared how he would measure up to international competition. Similarly, I sometimes experience doubt when facing daunting tasks professionally. (E.g., launching 4 new BYU Online Canvas courses in three weeks when two are only halfway developed and the other two haven't begun Canvas development at all.)
Rooks second place finish in the 2024 Olympic steeplechase is a good reminder that my work doesn't have to figuratively be the best in the world to still be amazing! Anyone would be thrilled to take home an Olympic silver medal. However, it's easier for me to be more compassionate towards others than I am to myself. When I know what I am producing isn't as good as it could be (under perfect conditions), my default reaction is to stress out, and then burn out. But Alma 26:12 offers me perspective and comfort. It reminds me that my best is always enough, and always worthy of pride.
When I feel especially overwhelmed, it is often accompanied by loneliness. Alma 26 reminds me that I am never alone thanks to my covenants with God — especially in my efforts to help BYU students realize the mission and aims of His University. I am a mere instrument in His hands. He can guide and consecrate my efforts for good. And that (perfect) effort is always enough. I have no need to fear.

Learning to Love

2024-06-10T17:02:00.017-06:00

Introduction

I'm reading Filled with His Love by Russell T. Osguthorpe, emeritus Sunday School General President for the LDS church. I was startled by the first paragraph of his book.

Of all the problems we face in mortality, the most vexing is not the lack of money or even the lack of food and water. It is the lack of love—the inability to receive and give love as the Savior did. If our physical body receives the necessary nourishment but our spirit does not receive and give love, our time on earth has no meaning. We might as well not exist. —Russell T. Osguthorpe, Filled with His Love

Osguthorpe obviously feels strongly about the importance of being filled with the love of God (loving and feeling loved). It reminded me of a special interaction with him over a decade ago circa 2013. While walking between classes, I recognized Professor Osguthorpe walking between buildings. He was still a BYU McKay school professor, but he was also on campus developing the Church-wide Come Follow Me Sunday School program. I nervously initiated a conversation. And though our walk only lasted two minutes, it was enough for me to feel like 24-karat gold.

Now that I know it is possible to extend that feeling of care and support so rapidly, I've become fascinated with how to offer that gift to others. Despite not recalling the exact topic of our conversation, I have identified three defining characteristics of that conversation that I strive to emulate:

1. 100% Present

I'm very rarely 100% present with the people I care about most. For example, when I was dating my wife (before we got engaged)—the time when we both wanted to see and understand one another most deeply—we filtered our interactions through an inward-focused lens. We constantly made judgments about one another to assess our compatibility. "Are there any red flags?" "Is that tendency going to drive me crazy?" "What does that information mean for me?" This wasn't the case with Russ.

In those moments together, I occupied all of Russ's physical, mental, and emotional attention as we walked together. He was more than just a skilled, active listener. His perceived presence was motivated by something fundamental to his character. What was that x-factor?

After studying two of Russ's books (The Education of the Heart; Filled with His Love) and his other publications, he often correlates one's capacity to attend to others with one's capacity to be filled with the love of God. The more attached we feel to God, the more we are filled with His love. The more we are filled with his love, the less we need to attend to our emotional needs and be more cognizant of others' welfare. Like C.S. Lewis enjoined, I was no mere human to him.

"It's a serious thing to live in a society of possible gods and goddesses, to remember that the dullest and most uninteresting person you can talk to may one day be a creature which, if you say it now, you would be strongly tempted to worship," — C. S. Lewis, The Weight of Glory

Physical Attention

As we chatted, the world faded away. Russ wasn't pecking at his cell phone. His body was turned towards me as we walked. He would physically and verbally pause after I had finished speaking. These pauses effectively communicated what I had just shared with him. Eliminate physical distractions.

Mental Attention

As a result of being filled with love (of God and for all mankind), Russ set aside any personal concerns he was processing when we bumped into one another. I imagine his ability to place me in his attention spotlight was motivated by the internalization of Lewis's quote. Russ didn't attempt to weave anything that would have shifted the spotlight to himself into our conversation. Nothing was more important to him then than me and my concerns. I imagine being with Jesus would feel the same way.

Emotional Attention

Empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings of another. Russ demonstrated mastery in perspective-taking. He sought to see the world through my eyes. Despite probably being an expert in the subject, he didn't try to offer advice or a new perspective; he just wanted to understand my perspective and how I felt about it. To him, that was all that seemed to matter.

2. Helped Me Visualize a Path to Success

Throughout our conversation, Russ never offered a single word of advice. And yet, I felt as if I had received a week of specialized training. I left the conversation glowing, feeling inspired and encouraged by his success-defining questions and expressions of confidence.

Guiding Questions

Russ initially observed my fear and recognized my underlying need for direction. Through careful curiosity, he led me to articulate what success looked like and how to get there. Note: it wasn't a vision of the overall problem. Rather, it was just the next immediate step of what I had control over.

Expression of Confidence

Russ expressed verbal confidence in the potential next steps I shared regarding my concern. However, the thing that had the most impact on me was what he didn't express. I don't know how he did this, but I didn't feel any negativity from him, either in his words or tone. Somehow, even when he asked questions, they had an edge of "yes, this is possible" rather than "I have doubts that your plan will work." Even if my plan didn't work, his positive approach motivated me to try and fail quickly rather than deliberate and procrastinate until I gathered enough confidence to take action. (I desperately wish I had a recording of his exact words, but whatever they were, I left the conversation believing I had the power to find a way through.)

Research has repeatedly proven that the best solutions are the ones we develop ourselves. Had he merely handed me a solution, I wouldn't have learned and grown how I truly needed.

3. Belonging

To my astonishment, Russ invited me to stay connected. "Reach out to me to let me know how things are going. I can't promise a timely reply. But I'd still like to hear from you, Bryan." This was the emotional highlight of the conversation for me. Even though I knew I wouldn't act on his invitation, simply knowing he was in my corner gave me a "power up" to confidently move forward with my challenge. Through this commitment to me, I felt like I belonged to him. We had become attached to one another through that invitation, even loosely.

Quest: +1 Better

To practice creating belonging, I've been playing a game invented by Jane McGonigal called Plus-One Better. It's led to several heartfelt conversations, and opportunities to connect and feel strengthened!

In this quest, you're encouraged to connect with three people: someone who would like to hear from you, someone you'd like to hear from, and someone who might be surprised to hear from you. Choose an "easy," "medium," or "hard" difficulty by messaging one, two, or all three individuals, respectively. Ask each person, "On a scale of 1 to 10, how is your day going?"

This question often prompts deeper reflection and more honest responses than a simple "How's it going?" Once they reply with a number, follow up by asking, "Is there anything I could do to help move it from a [current number] to a [current number +1]?"

The quest aims to surprise and support someone, showing that you care. This approach can foster deeper connections and improve relationships by increasing common ground and familiarity. It's a habit inspired by philanthropist Michael, who regularly asks this question to friends and strangers, often leading to meaningful conversations.

By consistently practicing this habit, you'll create opportunities to offer support and engage in positive interactions, making it a playful and beneficial tradition among your social circle.

Conclusion

We all want to feel deeply seen, understood, and loved. Unfortunately, it happens only rarely. I hope to continue to ponder and practice these principles so I can give others the gift that Russ gave me so many years ago.

Note: This is my first draft. I'll continue adding to and revising my thoughts in this post over the next few weeks.

"Hunkey-Dory," "Hunker Down," and "Hunk"

2024-04-02T11:23:00.008-06:00

Hunky-Dory

Hunky-dory is a term that means things are safe, all good, or going well. E.g., "Everything is hunky-dory" But where did the phrase come from?

Adobe Stock

The Online Etymology Dictionary claims that the phrase hunky-dory may have originated from the Middle Dutch word honc, meaning "place of refuge, hiding place." Honc then evolved into the Dutch word honk, which was used in a Frisian variant of the game of tag (as in guten tag) to mean the “goal” or “homebase.” The Dutch took this word (and presumably the game, too) overseas from New Amsterdam to New York. The first recorded usage of the term was around the 1840s in New York. Once the children's game hit New York, honk may have evolved into the slang term hunk ("in a safe position," 1847). Perhaps hunk evolved into the cutsie derivative hunkey ("safe, all right, satisfactory," 1861). In other words, to achieve hunk or hunky in a child's game was to make it "home" and win the game.

The origin of dory is unknown. However, since its earliest attestations appear in children’s games and later in minstrel songs (both mediums renowned for nonsensical rhyming), it is reasonable to assume that dory has no meaning and was tacked on to hunky simply because it rhymed.

This expression guide noted that the earliest known printed reference to hunkey-dory is found in the USA, in an 1862 collection of songs performed by the Christy Minstrels, a "blackface" minstrel group founded by Edwin Pearce Christy, who is believed to have been of Irish origin.

One of the boys am I,
That always am in clover;
With spirits light and high,
'Tis well I'm known all over.
I am always to be found,
A singing in my glory;
With your smiling faces round,
'Tis then I'm hunkey dorey.

As one linguist put it, "children often do not just say O.K. -- they say okey-dokey, thus engaging in what linguists call "reduplication," or the emphatic, joking repetition of parts of a word. Hunky-dory is almost certainly a similar product of reduplication by children who had won their game." Another example of a reduplicated term is hunkum-bunkum.

However, worldwidewords.org poses two alternate Japanese origins for the hunkey-dory. One view is that it originated from a street in Japan's Yokohama in the 1850s, frequented by sex-starved American sailors. They called it huncho-dori (which translates broadly as "main street," or "easy street" (referring to areas noted for easy virtue.) Another opinion, which is a bit more on the nose, is that it derives from Hunkidori, a breath freshener introduced in 1868. While the phrase certainly sounds like it could have originated in Japan (and they technically may have predated the Dutch usage), I doubt that this influence was what made the expression popular in the U.S. in the 20th century.

Hunker Down

To hunker down is the act of settling in a secure or sheltered spot, often to stay safe or focus on a task.

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According to Grammarist.com and worldwidewords.org, “hunker down” came from the Scottish verb “to hunker,” which means squatting low on one’s haunches. While it was first recorded in the early 18th century, it has been suggested it’s linked to the Old Norse huka, to squat; making it a close cousin of old Dutch huiken and modern German hocken, meaning to squat or crouch.

The Oxford English Dictionary has a fine description of how to hunker: “squat, with the haunches, knees, and ankles acutely bent, so as to bring the hams near the heels, and throw the whole weight upon the fore part of the feet.” (Think of Gollum, Tolkien's Ring-of-Power-obsessed character, sitting crouched, gnawing on a fish in his underground cavern.) The advantage of this physical position is that you’re not only close to the ground, presenting a small target for whatever the universe throws at you but also ready to move at a moment’s notice.

Sidenote: The imperialistic English were anti-hunkerers, unlike their rain-soaked Highlander neighbors to the North where the term originates. Perhaps that political dynamic is where the term originated. I like the idea of the Scottish patiently waiting out invading British troops. (Extra sidenote: The British loved to hold forts, which led to the phrase, hold the fort, not to be confused with the U.S. derivative hold down the fort.)

But there's a contending origin for the word hunker! Across the pond, early Americans also used the phrase hunker down to mean something different. The American usage of hunker down may have also been influenced by the Dutch word “honk,” which means home, goal, or a safe place in children’s play. By the 19th century, New York's melting pot for languages and cultures, had fully adopted the noun hunk, and transformed it into a verb to mean "to settle" into a "post, station, home."

As the decades rolled on, these two definitions ("squat on haunches" and "home base") danced around each other, gradually intertwining. By the early 20th century, the phrase had morphed again into the “hunker down” we recognize today. It evokes a sense of determination, whether hunkering to withstand challenges or dedicating oneself fully to a task. But the phrase is especially meaningful when you defiantly shelter in a place you call home. E.g., "As the hurricane approached, residents were advised to evacuate. However, most homeowners with shelters obstinately hunkered down." Or, figuratively speaking, one could say, "I need to hunker down and finish this project before the deadline." U.S. WW2 soldiers frequently referred to their base as their hunk. For example, those who stayed safe on base were hunky-dory.

Hunk

Today, "hunk" means a large or dense piece of something. E.g., a hunk of junk (metal).

Adobe Stock

Hunk or hunky may have also derived from the Dutch word honk ("a safe place"). An online forum indicated that the first American use of the word hunkey was in the title of the Civil War song, A Hunkey Boy Is Yankee Doodle (1861). In this patriotic tune, "hunkey boys" are Northern Civil War soldiers who are brave, smart, and bold--all desirable traits that may make the people they defend (especially women) feel safe.

However, the word “hunk” (as we know it) dates back to around 1813 and originally meant “large piece cut off.” Its origin is uncertain, but it may derive from West Flemish “hunke,” which was used for bread and meat and is possibly related to the Dutch homp, meaning “lump, hump.” Around the 1940s (WW2 era), first in Australia and later in the U.S., the term eventually evolved via jive talk to colloquially describe an attractive or sexually-appealing man (a dense piece of meat, beefcake).

But that's not the only different definition. Wordorigins.com offers several additional examples illuminating the phrase's other usage over the years. For instance, "hunk" appears in the phrase to get hunk, meaning "to be made whole after a loss," as used in an 1845 article in The Spirit of the Times about a horse race:

It is not a little singular that in one instance only did the favorite win! Those who lost their money on Fashion, had two or three chances to “get hunk,” especially on the last day.

Conclusion

The origins of these words are unclear. However, after delving into their etymologies, I feel confident using hunkey, hunker, or hunk to refer to a person or place that evokes a sense of safety through protection.

"Clutch"

2024-03-22T13:58:00.007-06:00

Winning after a clutch penalty kick, Adobe Stock

I love the word clutch, especially when it describes a person winning a game or accomplishing a difficult activity (such as being the only remaining player on one's team against several opponents). When I hear the word "clutch," multiple meanings come to mind simultaneously:

Etymologically, clutch comes from the Middle English clitch, which means to "close the hand," or "grasp something tightly" which reminds me of cinching the win (like a horse saddle strap), leaving no room for escape.
In Old English, clyccan means "crook" or "bend," which adds a new dimension to the word's meaning. A clutch play can be illustrated by a shepherd's crook, illustrating a sudden 180-degree change in the momentum of the game.
In the vernacular, I imagine a bird of prey's clawed clutch, unexpectedly (or luckily) swooping in and snatching victory away from one's opponents.
Clutch might also describe the inner sensation of the spectator. I.e., tightness in the chest from nervousness or excited anticipation.
I do not think about the handheld accessory-storage device often used by women on the go, but I could see a potential connection there.
The most unique meaning I ascribe to clutch is my favorite. I imagine the person/players releasing a metaphorical "clutch" (like in a manual transmission). They must be stress-free and relaxed to accomplish the unlikely feat. You could also extend this transmission analogy by considering a player taking their play to the next gear or level.
Transmission, Adobe Stock

The Book of Mormon and Continuing Cold-War Politics

2024-02-21T16:59:00.006-07:00

Nixon predicted the current state of U.S.-Russian politics back in 1992. Say what you will about Nixon's involvement in the Watergate coverup, he was one smart guy and a heck of a statesman. Despite his shortcomings, when Nixon was right, he nailed it.

After the U.S. "won" the Cold War with Russia in 1991, the ideals of freedom (free-market capitalism and educated democracy) have stood trial on the world stage. The Cold War isn't over. The opponents of liberty and justice for all are lying in wait. As the Great Experiment of democracy has succumbed to the consequences of pride (e.g., a false sense of security) and constant subversive influences (e.g., Russian imperialism) over the years, free nations (including the U.S.) have begun to revert to (not communism, which has failed) but a new despotism or authoritarian demagogism.

The Book of Mormon demonstrates this same dynamic in the book of 3rd Nephi. In Chapter 1, we read that though signs and wonders abound, the wicked plan to slay the righteous if Christ does not reveal himself to them by a certain day. Lyings and deceivings increase, and the Gadianton robbers slaughter many.

The same can be said for our day. Systems of freedom are on trial, and it's not going well. Shootings at Football parades, "Stolen" U.S. Presidential elections, biased Supreme Court rulings, and blatant corruption among those elected and appointed to serve the people are commonplace. Those who defend the American Constitution and religious freedom are ridiculed and even threatened. The political din of loyalists to political figures is so loud that many even-minded citizens like myself are fearful of participating in honest political debate.

My Shepherd Will Supply My Need

2024-02-02T12:32:00.007-07:00

Lyrics

Sheet music

Song Review

Few hymns bring me greater peace than My Shepherd Will Supply My Need. And no one sings it better than the Tabernacle Choir.

Here are some of the couplets I find most meaningful:

In pastures fresh He makes me feed, Beside the living stream.

For me, this imagery reminds me that wherever I am, I am partaking of God's creations for me. He is my constant source of nourishment, whether I recognize His hand or not. (Mosiah 2:20-24) He is the living stream. But it is up to me to come to him to receive His life-giving water.

A word of Thy supporting breath, Drives all my fears away.

"Peace." (Mark 4:35-41) This lyric reminds me of the many times God's Spirit has banished my fear.

Thy hand, in sight of all my foes, Doth still my table spread;

When my senses are trained on the surrounding threats, this verse reminds me to keep my attention on the Savior. He will provide. In fact, these perceived threats may just be opportunities to become more like Him.

The sure provisions of my God, Attend me all my days;

When I worry about want, I remember God provides all I need.

O may Thy house be mine abode, And all my work be praise!

There would I find a settled rest, (While others go and come),

No more a stranger or a guest, But like a child at home.

This reminds me of the lyric from Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing,

"Let Thy goodness like a fetter
Bind my wandering heart to Thee
Prone to wander, Lord I feel it
Prone to leave the God I love
Here's my heart, oh take and seal it
Seal it for Thy courts above."

These lyrics provide a resolution to the story. As the singers rededicate themselves to Christ's yoke (Matt 11:28-30), they draw a line in the sand. Will I also make the Lord's house (Gospel) mine abode, or will I go and come (tossed to and fro; Ephesians: 4:14)

Water Spout or Sprout?!

2024-01-25T11:41:00.011-07:00

The Itsy Bitsy Spider: A Fan Theory

I just learned about water sprouts. These bad boys love to grow on fruit trees. They provide the perfect structural support for spiderwebs. Fruit farmers are all too familiar with them because they qualify as "deranged wood" and need to be regularly pruned. However, as we will explore later, they can also serve as powerful metaphors.

It reminded me of the familiar nursery rhythm "The Itsy Bitsy Spider" (based on the original 1910 folksong, "Spider Song"). I wondered if the song included the lyric water spout at some point in its evolution.

The first publication of the song involved a spider climbing and being washed from a web.

"Oh, the blooming, bloody spider went up the spider web,
The blooming, bloody rain came down and washed the spider out,
The blooming, bloody sun came out and dried up all the rain,
And the blooming, bloody spider came up the web again."

Originating in Southern California during the pre-dustbowl (Grapes of Wrath) era, some think it was an "allegory of the struggle of the lower classes" (source). Think about it. The lowest-paid workers were fruit farmers. Coincidentally, California's chief export was fruit farming at the time. Spiders were viewed as co-workers by those who worked and sang in the fields. They may have resonated with unsung, never-ending labor performed by the spiders to keep their fruit insect-free. What if the lyric evolved from web to water sprout, and we just don't have a record of it?!

However, as the song became more accepted by a national and global audience, non-farmers didn't know what water sprouts were so they naturally changed the lyric to a term they were familiar with: water spouts.

Today, children may never know the song's true origin or intended meaning. Regardless, I love the theme of resilience it conveys. I especially appreciate when storytellers continue to make it their own by changing the melody and adding a love story angle, as shown in this modern adaptation:

Note: I don't actually believe my own fan theory, but I'm hoping the conspiracy catches on.

What Does It Mean to Be "Beyond One's Ken"?

2024-01-22T12:00:00.021-07:00

Have you seen the 1965 film The Sound of Music starring Julie Andrews? There's a song lyric from "Sixteen Going on Seventeen" that I've misheard my entire life. I thought Rolf sang, "Timid and shy and scared are you of things beyond your kin (as in family)." But I recently learned while reading How To Know A Person by the wordsmith David Brooks that the lyric is not kin, but ken. I had to look up the full lyrics to confirm. Sure enough, ken. So what does ken mean?

Turns out, it's a nautical term. Merriam-Webster has this to say:

Ken appeared on the English horizon in the 16th century as a term of measurement of the distance bounding the range of ordinary vision at sea—about 20 miles. British author John Lyly used that sense in 1580 when he wrote, "They are safely come within a ken of Dover." Other 16th-century writers used ken to mean "range of vision" ("Out of ken we were ere the Countesse came from the feast." — Thomas Nashe) or "sight" ("'Tis double death to drown in ken of shore." — Shakespeare). Today, however, ken rarely suggests literal sight. Rather, ken nowadays almost always implies a range of perception, understanding, or knowledge.

Why was this an apt description employed by the songwriters Brian Davies & Lauri Peters?

Leisl's father, Captain Von Trapp, is an icon in the Austrian Navy. As evidenced by his regimented parenting style (e.g., use of a naval whistle, firm dress and appearance guidelines, and strict activity schedules and regulations), Leisl no doubt grew up well-acquainted with this kind of naval terminology. By employing the language of her Father, Rolf is symbolically asserting himself as Leisl's new protector.

Or perhaps Rolf is actually a social progressive who is (ironically) manipulating Leisl through reverse psychology. But I doubt it; Rolf isn't that smart, sociopathic, or in control of his own emotions. Based on the genuine feelings of pride, fear, and elation he expresses in the Gazebo scene, he's probably a normal, self-important teen from an entitled family, feigning confidence but frightened to commit to a relationship.

I don't love the (realistic) notion of poor Rolf becoming a blundering Nazi sheep. For you fellow wishful thinkers who'd prefer a different story, here's a fan theory suggesting that Rolf joined The Hitler Youth to strategically position himself as an asset to the Austrian Resistance. This song was his way of testing Leisl's aptitude and loyalty (Reddit).

Bonus: This song has another lyric I've always wondered about: "Roués and cads." A roué, according to Merriam-Webster, is a smooth-talking, pleasure-seeking, morally lax, no-good ladies' man or a rake (not to be confused with its feminine counterpart). This one deserves a full etymology: it's French, a participle of rouer, "to break on the wheel." Since the wheel is a torture device, the French were implying that such dissolute beings deserved this punishment. It's also the name first applied to the profligate companions of Philippe II, France's regent from 1715 to 1723. (Remember how the conservative bourgeoisie of the French Revolution (1790s) were fed up with the opulent, aristocratic members of Percy's League of The Scarlet Pimpernel. Roués were their more promiscuous predecessors.) Modern-day roués might be spotted dirty dancing at a nightclub while drinking his and his companion's drinks.

Who is Pinocchio's Mentor: The Blue Fairy or Jiminy Cricket?

2024-01-21T15:34:00.038-07:00

Preface

This preface is both a "thank you" and an apology. I'm excited you are interested enough to engage with the topic. I'm sorry this isn't a conversation. This is a bit heavier than most of my stuff. Please only read on if this interests you.

Where Did This Question Come From?

I was exploring the topic of Campbell's The Hero's Journey when I came across a Disney ad that clearly suggested that Jiminy Cricket was Pinocchio's mentor, but I wasn't so sure. The video's title was Pinocchio | Sidekicks And Mentors | Disney+. According to Campbell, sidekicks and mentors are two very different roles. I wondered why Disney couldn't commit to a single label for Jiminy. "Is he a sidekick or mentor?" To be fair, they probably intended for Jiminy to serve both roles, like Timothy the Mouse from Dumbo (1941), but the question still got my wheels turning. "What about the Blue Fairy?"

Meeting Pinocchio, the Blue Fairy, and Jiminy Cricket

The Debate

Who is Pinocchio's mentor? Jimmy Cricket or the Blue Fairy?

To make this fun I'm going to imagine a heated debate. On one side, you have Joseph Campbell and his purist followers. Campbell was an early 20th-century scholar who canonized the term mentor and the Hero's need for a guide or magical helper to appear before the hero crosses the threshold into the special or unknown world (see The Hero's Journey). These "Campbellians" espouse the Blue Fairy as Pinocchio's mentor. (E.g., See this verbose blogger's opinion).

On the other side of the argument, you have Christopher Vogler and his less-philosophically-driven lackeys. Vogler was a Disney screenwriter during its golden age in the 90s. He offers a more accessible Writers' Guide simplifying and expounding on Campbell's Hero's Journey. "Voglerites" seem to view Jiminy as the story's undisputed mentor. (E.g., See this Less-verbose blogger's opinion).

Now it's time for you to enter the debate and choose a side (or not). Watch this clip from Pinocchio (2022) if you need to jog your memory about the characters. At first blush, who do you think is Pinocchio's mentor?

Campbell’s The Blue Fairy?
Vogler’s Jiminy Cricket?

Let's get into it.

Volgerites

In his book, The Writer's Journey (2007), Christopher Vogler overtly names Jiminy Cricket as Pinocchio's mentor. In fact, Vogler specifically uses Jiminy as a prime example of a mentor.

Some Mentors perform a special function as a conscience for the hero. Characters like Jiminy Cricket in Pinocchio or Walter Brennan's Groot in Red River try to remind an errant hero of an important moral code. However, a hero may rebel against a nagging conscience. Would-be Mentors should remember that in the original [darker] Collodi story Pinocchio squashed the cricket to shut him up. ~Christopher Vogler, The Writer's Journey, p. 42 (emphasis added)

Additionally, Vogler was the first to introduce the "Meeting the Mentor" stage of his interpretation of The Hero's Journey.

In his other writings and interviews, Vogler has outlined the defining characteristics of the mentor:

A mentor generally shows up in the first act of the story. (Both; depends on the version)
A mentor generally has a backstory that informs his or her trustworthiness. (Jiminy)
A mentor is often flawed but lovable. (Jiminy)
A mentor provides strategic gifts and guidance along the path. (Both)
A mentor acts as a moral compass and guide for the hero. It should push the hero out of their comfort zone. (Both, but more Jiminy)
The mentor has a personal reason for helping the hero. A hero needs a mentor to undertake the Journey, but a mentor needs the hero to help complete his or her life’s path. (Jiminy)
A mentor may be present for much of the hero’s journey, but he or she must abandon the hero at some point. A mentor can never face a final test in the hero’s place. (Both, but more Jiminy)
A mentor provides essential encouragement or a magical gift to the hero, enabling his journey into the unknown world. (Blue Fairy)
When the hero makes a difficult choice, they look to their mentor for comfort, strength, and advice. (Both, but more Jiminy)

Vogler's Mentor Characteristics Scores

Jiminy - 3 characteristics

Mostly Jiminy - 3 characteristics

Both (Shared Equally) - 2 characteristics

Blue Fairy -1 characteristic

Note: These categorizations may differ among the various versions of the story.

By my count, eight out of nine characteristics describe Jiminy. These scores speak for themselves. But what if Vogler was chirping in the wrong field?

Campbellians

While writers and scholars have written about the monomyth since the nineteenth century, Joseph Campbell popularized in his 1949 treatise, The Hero with a Thousand Faces. The term mentor finds its roots in Greek mythology, specifically from the name of the servant whom Odysseus relied on for his household affairs. Later on, Athena took on the physical form of this servant to lead Odysseus's son in the quest to find his missing father. Campbell used this term to describe one of eight archetypes employed frequently in the hero-story. However, as mentioned above, "Meeting the Mentor" was not one of Campbell's original 17 stages of The Hero's Journey. Instead, he had a stage called “Supernatural Aid,” which provided a similar effect—to share knowledge and gifts with a less experienced hero. Campbell's sources were primarily mythological and religious in nature, which regularly showcased mentors as supernatural beings and mystical forces (as opposed to Vogler's more tangible mentors written for the Hollywood screen).

Campbell and Vogler's Act 1 Stage Comparison Chart

The Blue Fairy neatly fulfills all the essential requirements of the hero's mentor. According to Campbell, a guide or magical helper appears when the call to adventure occurs (e.g., The Blue Fairy inviting Pinocchio to fulfill his grieving father's wish—for Pinocchio to become real). Typically, the helper provides the hero with talismans or artifacts that will prove beneficial along their journey (supernatural aid). The Blue Fairy not only extends Pinocchio a call to adventure; she endows him with the knowledge and equipment necessary to survive it, including a temporary conscience (Jiminy).

Additionally, the Blue Fairy fulfills the role of mentor by revisiting Pinocchio throughout his journey to give warnings, offer encouragement, and bestow gifts. Sounds very mentor-y to me, even from Vogler's definition.

Campbellians agree that it's easy to mistake Jiminy Cricket for Pinocchio's mentor because of his role as Pinocchio's temporary conscience or inner moral voice. Vogler argues that mentor and conscience (or "higher Self") are always the same thing. However, being Pinocchio's conscience does not necessarily make Jiminy his mentor.

In the anatomy of the human psyche, Mentors represent the Self, the god within us, the aspect of personality that is connected with all things. This higher Self is the wiser, nobler, more godlike part of us. Like Jiminy Cricket in the Disney [1940] version of Pinocchio, the Self acts as a conscience to guide us on the road of life when no Blue Fairy or kindly Gepetto is there to protect us and tell us right from wrong. ~ Christopher Vogler, The Writer's Journey, p. 40

If Vogler thinks that Jiminy represents Pinocchio's "Higher Self," I boldly assert that Vogler fundamentally misunderstands the meaning of Self in Jung's process of individuation. According to Jung, one's personal conscience (or lower Self, as Vogler might understand it) is a primary component of one's eventually higher Self. The Hero's Journey is the crucible for the painful integration of one's consciousness and unconsciousness (personal and collective unconscious), which ultimately yields the Self. When viewed from this Jungian perspective, Jiminy Cricket is the boon or aid given to Pinocchio to help him navigate the special world. The Blue Fairy is obviously the supernatural helper bestowing that aid.

Here's an LDS parallel regarding Jiminy as the supernatural aid: The Blue Fairy's gift of Jiminy is not unlike Christ's gift of the Comforter to the 12 Apostles in His absence (John 14:5-26, John 16:7). The Greek word paraklētos, translated “Comforter” in the King James Version, appears exclusively in the writings of John. The title paraklētos is applied to two individuals: the Holy Ghost and Jesus Christ (Source). So, like Christ and the Holy Spirit, we might think of Jiminy as a personified extension of Pinocchio's true mentor, The Blue Fairy.

Vogler acknowledges that the mentor's role is defined by the guiding energy the hero experiences. Mentorship is not about ongoing continuous tutelage; it's about giving the hero purpose and general direction. The following Vogler quote describes The Blue Fairy more than it does Jiminy Cricket:

“Mentors provide heroes with motivation, inspiration, guidance, training, and gifts for the journey. Every hero is guided by something, and a story without some acknowledgment of this energy is incomplete. Whether expressed as an actual character or as an internalized code of behavior, the Mentor archetype is a powerful tool at the writer’s command” ~ Christopher Vogler, The Writer’s Journey, p. 47

Conclusion

Both Voglerites and Campbellians pose strong arguments, and I can see merit in both ontologies.

Ultimately, the decision hinges on your preference for definitions that are either more explicit or abstract. Your choice may also be influenced by the specific version of the tale you choose, as different versions support varying perspectives.

Pro-Voglerite Conclusions

On the one hand, I want to go with Jiminy for several reasons:

Given the Argument's Premise, There Is Only One Real Choice—If we're going to insist on using the term, mentor, there really is only one choice. Vogler coined the term "Meeting the Mentor" and named Jiminy in his definition of mentor. Now, if a mentor means the same thing as one providing supernatural aid, then we have a debate.
Jiminy Statistics—There is no contest when comparing tallies of Vogler's Mentor Characteristics. Jiminy is the obvious winner. Campbellian note: Vogler's definitions do not account for alternative versions of the story other than Disney's Pinocchio (1940). Additionally, his defining characteristics are tautological (or self-referencing) in nature.
The Blue Fairy's Role is Already Spoken For (According to Jungian Archetypes)—The Hero's Journey was heavily influenced by Carl Jung's theory of archetypes. Based on Jung's lesser 12 archetypes, The Blue Fairy clearly represents the Ruler. Gepetto is the Creator/Artist. And Jiminy is the Sage archetype.
1. Ruler: The authoritative figure who provides structure and order. Often associated with leadership and responsibility.
2. Creator/Artist: The imaginative and creative individual who brings new ideas and innovations to life.
3. Sage: Wise and knowledgeable, the sage seeks truth and understanding. Often portrayed as a mentor or guide.
Awesome Dead Mentor—I intentionally did not limit the discussion to a single version of Pinocchio because I love the original fairytale so much. The visceral image of Pinocchio throwing a hammer and squashing Jiminy in a fit of rage adds an additional layer of drama and symbolism to the story. The hero killing off the mentor is a delightfully shocking twist on the dead-mentor trope (E.g., Obi-Wan Kenobi, Gandalf, Uncle Ben). Doing so adds dramatic conflict to Pinocchio's journey. By murdering his mentor, Pinocchio succumbs to his darker nature (shadow self). It makes his ultimate transformation into a real (virtuous) boy that much more meaningful. This gruesome act drives home the message, "We can all change and be redeemed, no matter our natures or what crimes we have committed."
Jiminy is Not Just a Sidekick—Disney clearly wanted Jiminy to play a bigger role than he did in the original telling of the story. By giving Jiminy WAY more screen time, providing him with a redemptive backstory, and creating some emotional stakes for his character, Disney is indicating that he is more than a sidekick.
Nagging Plot Hole—Hang with me because this one is a bit complicated. Campbellians and Vogerlites concur that the hero must confront the final test alone (without anyone's help except for what he brings with him, including his boon). For the sake of argument, let's say that Jiminy is not Pinocchio's mentor but rather functions solely as a supernatural boon (conscience), as suggested by Campbellians. In that case, it raises the question of why Jiminy was absent during Pinocchio's Ultimate Ordeal with Monstro. If Jiminy is just a boon, there would be no apparent reason to exclude him from the scene; he should have been alongside Pinocchio, offering guidance throughout the Ordeal. Jiminy's absence is evidence that he is not just a boon.

Pro-Cambpellian Conclusions

Despite these persuasive Voglerite arguments, I lean more towards The Blue Fairy as Pinocchio's mentor for the following reasons:

Campbell's criteria are a Better Fit—The only required defining characteristic for a mentor is that the Hero wouldn't survive the unknown world without first meeting the mentor. Vogler's additional characteristics feel superfluous and "overfit" the term, especially when examined outside of Pinocchio. For example, when you look at Disney's Mulan, is Mushu the mentor? Or is it Mulan's lame war hero father, Fa Zhou, who teaches her about honor and (unwittingly) provides her with the sword that saves China? Is Maui Moana's mentor? Or is it her grandmother who frees her from her village's expectations, emboldens her with stories of her ancestors, and shows the hidden vessel she uses to cross the threshold? Though Campbell's criteria are more broad and ambiguous, I appreciate that they are more inclusive.
I'm a Purist—Vogler's derivative writer's guidebook will always be a watered-down interpretation of Campbell's seminal work on The Hero's Journey. Campbell's model examines the greatest works throughout all of history. Vogler's model accounts for the last 100 years of American cinema.
Jiminy is the Aid—While Campbell's and Vogler's respective stages, "Supernatural Aid" and "Meeting the Mentor," serve the same function, remember that the supernatural helper is distinct from the aid that force provides. The Blue Fairy is the mentor and Jiminy is her gift to Pinocchio.
Mentor Timing—According to Vogler, the mentor's fundamental role is to quickly and generally help the hero learn how to survive the perils of the new world, not to offer the hero specific commentary and feedback as Jiminy does. The mentor's defining trait is describing how the new world works for the hero before the story can progress to Act II. That timing works perfectly for The Blue Fairy but not for Jiminy! Let's look at Jiminy's problematic timing. In the Disney films, we always know right where Jiminy is in proximity to Pinocchio throughout the films. In Collodi's 1883 story, Jiminy doesn't even show up until after Pinocchio has entered the unknown world (the beginning of Act II of the Hero's Journey, The Departure). After Pinocchio is brought to life, he immediately starts causing trouble. Frustrated, Geppetto sends him off to school. Pinocchio encounters the Talking Cricket (Jiminy) for the first time along the way.
Vogler's Criteria Are Based on Fallacious Reasoning—Many of you may still be hung up on Vogler's biased traits of a mentor. This list is an example of the logical fallacy, “post hoc, ergo propter hoc,” which assumes that one thing is caused by another merely because the first thing preceded the other. For example, the Kansas City Chiefs won the NFL Super Bowl LVIII because all the players ate chicken the night before. Vogler's traits must be true by the same faulty logic because they describe a story written before the list was created. Even if the list of mentor-y traits accurately describes Jiminy's role in Pinocchio, Vogler's post hoc traits are specific to visual media, not universal stories.
The Blue Fairy as Mentor Follows a Popular Formula—Screenwriters like to follow crowd-pleasing formulae. Pinocchio (1940) and The Wizard of Oz (1939)—perhaps one of the greatest examples of the Hero's Journey in cinematic history—were released at approximately the same time. The writers likely used the same formula. The Disney writers wanted The Blue Fairy to serve the purpose role as Glinda.

For you math geeks, consider the associative property of arithmetic (A = B = C):

If Glinda (A) and The Blue Fairy (B) are the same (A = B).
And Glinda (A) is Dorothy's primary Mentor (C) in The Wizard of Oz (A = C).
Then, The Blue Fairy must be Pinocchio's Mentor (B=C).
Likewise, the ruby slippers (A) and Pinocchio's conscience (B) are the boons or supernatural aid (C).

Your Choice?

Did your initial impression change? Which way are you leaning now? Which arguments did you find most compelling? Does Pinocchio have a mentor? If so, who is it? I'd love to hear your thoughts in the comments.

01/24/2024 Edit: Two other votes have come in. My older sister initially voted for Team J, but I have yet to hear back from her since I beefed up the arguments for Team BF. And my father-in-law firmly believes both BF and J are co-mentors.

Postscript

Dear Reader,

This section is for philosophical masochists. You do NOT have to read it. However, if you thought Gepetto or someone or something else ought to be assigned the role of mentor, you might find it interesting. This part of the discussion goes beyond the dichotomous choice, allowing for a more comprehensive examination.

If you want more choices than just The Blue Fairy and Jiminy, here you go:

Both? Can there be more than one mentor? Probably; I don't think Campbell or Vogler are so dogmatic as to not allow for some flexibility. Additionally, based on the original myth from which the term mentor is derived, some scholars think a hero may have multiple mentors, especially if the hero is young. However, while all allies are mentors in a sense, in The Hero's Journey, a mentor and an ally play distinct roles in supporting the protagonist on their quest. It might be worth reinforcing this distinction.
Someone else? While Campbell and Vogler concur that all heroes need some sort of assistance, you doubtlessly have your own criteria for a hero's mentor. How does your definition compare to Vogler's and Campbell's?
No one? Is there a compelling reason to reject The Hero's Journey framework altogether for this story? Perhaps...

No-Need-for-a-Mentor Conclusions

Then again, perhaps both Voglerites and Campbellians are wrong. What if the story has no mentor per se? After all, Campbell and Vogler's writings weren't before in 1940 when Disney's Pinocchio was released. A hero can embark on a quest sans a mentor. According to Chat-GPT, a hero's journey without a mentor typically involves the protagonist navigating challenges and growth without the guidance and wisdom of a mentor figure. In such a narrative, the hero must rely on their own instincts, experiences, and internal resources to overcome obstacles, make crucial decisions, and undergo personal development. Without a mentor, the hero may face increased hardships and uncertainties, but their journey becomes a more solitary and self-driven quest for self-discovery and transformation. The absence of a mentor can lead to a more introspective and independent hero's journey, where the protagonist becomes the sole architect of their destiny.

What if Pinocchio's story represents a more fundamental experience than The Hero's Journey? The saddest consequence of focusing on the narrative role of the mentor is that it steals focus from the unique Jungian narrative Pinocchio has to offer. Jung believed that our collective unconscious (an essential aspect of the psyche) contains inherent, universally human experiences, such as belonging, love, death, and fear. The fascinating thing about this story is that, as a non-human, Pinocchio is disconnected from these experiences. (E.g., Pinocchio didn't fear death when he lit his finger on fire after innocently touching a candle.) He, therefore, required a surrogate experience to interact with the collective unconscious, which he found in the shadowy underbelly of the unknown world. Jiminy wasn't a mere mentor; he was Pinocchio's temporary conscience or persona (one of Jung's fundamental four archetypes) or a representation of who Pinocchio wanted to be. Focusing on this role makes Pinocchio's journey much more internal. As an audience, we are drawn into Pinocchio's mind.

Pinocchio is so much more than a half-baked "shoulder angel" story about obedience. It represents the highly symbolic Jungian journey toward individuation of the Self. It's the building blocks of The Hero's Journey; the core of conflict of the monomyth—to accept the call to bathe one's conscious self in the shadow world of the unconscious, experience ego-death, and be reborn an integrated Self ("real boy"). Freud and Jung, two of Campbell's greatest influences, would likely agree that labeling Jiminy as Pinocchio's mentor is trivial compared to the beautifully resonant internal dynamics happening inside Pinocchio.

From this even broader perspective, the supernatural aid that Campbell would argue Pinocchio receives from The Blue Fairy is really his ego and super-ego, two of the three psychological components of one's psyche.

EGO (Conscious self) - Pinocchio plays this role himself. The Blue Fairy bestows Pinocchio with a sense of self when she touches him with her wand. E.g., "Hi! I'm Pinocchio!" "I, I, I, me, me, me, my, my, my..."
SUPER-EGO (Personal unconscious) - She assigns Jiminy the role of super-ego. "The super-ego aims for perfection. It is part of the personality structure, mainly but not entirely unconscious, that includes the individual's ego ideals, spiritual goals, and the psychic agency, commonly called 'conscience,' that criticizes and prohibits the expression of drives, fantasies, feelings, and actions" (Wikipedia).
ID (Collective unconscious) - Many other characters of questionable morality represent Id-driven aspects of various archetypes existing in the human collective unconscious (primordial images). E.g., The Sly Fox Mr. Honest John (Greed), Stromboli (Pride), The Coachman (Ambition), and Lampwick (Hedonism).

Pinocchio is awesome because it confronts audiences with the bizarre dilemma, "How does an animate wooden puppet learn to become a virtuous human? Pinocchio must grapple with the complex philosophical underpinnings of the human experience from the ground up: ontology (What does it mean "to be"?), epistemology (How can I know what is true?), axiology (What is of most worth?), and logic (How can I make decisions?). By assigning external influences, like mentors, we cheapen the true gift of self-discovery through inner exploration.

The Hit Single Bang! by AJR is about Suicide

2024-01-11T22:18:00.027-07:00

Introduction

I listened to the lyrics to the AJR song, BANG! for the first time today and immediately noticed its connection to suicide. Curious why this wasn't obvious to more people, I googled it and discovered that I may be one of the few people who think this way. I'm not crazy, right?

Pexels.com

Song Analysis

Listen to the chorus: "Everybody come hang (come hang). Let's go out with a bang. Bang! Bang! Bang!" These repeated words brought to my mind a couple of terrifying statistics:

Suicide is the SECOND leading cause of death for college-age youth and youth ages 12-18 (CDC WISQARS)
The two leading methods of suicide (in high-income countries) are hanging and firearms (The Parent Resource Program).

As I continued to examine the song lyrics, I realized EVERYTHING about the song supported my interpretation. This radio hit doesn't necessarily glorify suicide. It's more of a social commentary on the frustrating plight of American youngsters. It draws in listeners with its seductive tune, upbeat tempo, and subtle yet resonant message. ("I'm thinking it's time to grow.") The lyrics describe the collective coming-of-age experience of Gen Z young adults, who, despite their revelry, find themselves prematurely confronted with crucial life decisions and a losing hand. As reflected in their gambling-themed music video, the privilege and responsibility of adulthood are represented by finally being allowed to play craps. However, observing other adults literally losing their shirts in this unfair game, they defiantly choose to cash out of life while they're ahead. ("I'm thinking it's time to go...") What an anti-happy message! Even the ironically positive melody colliding with the dark lyrics serves to illustrate the devil-may-care attitude of youth as they stare down the barrel of hopeless futures.

This song was a wake-up call for me. I work with youth, both professionally and in my church service. I worry that I do not fully understand just how present this issue is for many of them. Like the topic of homosexuality, talk of suicide was taboo in my youth. Younger Millennials regularly "joke" about wishing they were dead. But suicidal ideation seems to be on a whole other level among Gen Zers. I must work much harder to actively identify youth struggling with this issue.

As I jumped into the latest research, one big takeaway stood out – one of the most important things an ally can do is to simply ask, "Are you thinking about hurting/killing yourself?" when you notice tell-tale signs in someone. And if they say yes, the following suicide prevention PSA gives some tips on what to say (and what not to say).

Suicide Awareness

Since this is such a pervasive and critical societal issue, and since I don't really hear about it, could a solution be to sponsor more suicide awareness days? Why is there currently only one day? Maybe the powers that be don't want to make it a bigger issue than it really is. But I think we're all underestimating the issue's prevalence and magnitude. I'm going to look it up.

Why is World Suicide Prevention Day on September 10th?

World Suicide Prevention Day (WSPD) was established in 2003 by the International Association for Suicide Prevention in conjunction with the World Health Organization (WHO). The 10th of September each year aims to focus attention on the issue, reduce stigma, and raise awareness among organizations, governments, and the public, giving a singular message that suicides are preventable. (The U.S. and other nations extend this day to the entire month of September in National Suicide Prevention Month.)

I can think of a number of reasons why they selected this date:

Importance to Educators - Educators feel the brutal impact of suicide in their workplace each school year. These community caretakers demonstrate how personally they take this issue by prioritizing it early into the school year. This way, students immediately have the resources they need as they navigate their new environments.
A Statistically High Month - I can't find any international or national statistics on this, but September had the highest youth suicide in Montana in 2014. (January was the second highest...)
The Theme of Death is Naturally Reflected in The Change of Seasons - The transition from summer to fall often marks a period of change and adjustment, making it a suitable time to address mental health concerns.
New Information Dissemination - Perhaps organizations that develop materials and provide resources revamp them during the summer months. Observance in September allows leaders to share the latest stats and resources just as students return to school.

What If We Added Another Round of Awareness in January?

I can think of several reasons why adding another National Suicide Prevention Month in January would be beneficial:

Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) - January is often associated with higher rates of SAD, a type of depression that occurs at a specific time of year, usually in the winter when daylight hours are shorter. People with SAD may be more vulnerable to suicidal thoughts during this time. By placing National Suicide Prevention Month in January, there could be increased awareness and support during a period when individuals with SAD may need it the most.
Post-Holiday Blues - From my limited understanding, suicide doesn't occur at people's lowest points necessarily. It happens immediately after a specific triggering event or a rapid change in effect. The holiday season, which typically spans from late November to early January, can be challenging for many individuals. The sudden shift from connection with loved ones to the post-holiday blues, financial stress, and feelings of loneliness can contribute to emotional struggles. Alternatively, students who had terrible holidays are thrust back into daily interaction with peers with well-groomed personas, which can be jarring. Shifting National Suicide Prevention Month to January may allow for a more immediate response to those who are experiencing heightened distress after the holiday season.
New Year, New Start - January is often seen as a time for new beginnings and resolutions. By aligning National Suicide Prevention Month with the start of the new year, there may be an opportunity to piggyback on this temporary but powerful emotional lift by encouraging individuals to prioritize mental health as part of their resolutions (James Clear, Atomic Habits). The symbolism of a fresh start and a new year could be leveraged to promote positive actions, destigmatize seeking help, and foster a sense of hope for those struggling with suicidal thoughts.

How You Can Help?

If you or someone you know is having thoughts of suicide or experiencing a mental health or substance use crisis, call or text 988, or chat at 988Lifeline.org.

Additional Suicide Prevention Resources

Conclusion

In 2018, 18% of U.S. high schoolers surveyed by the CDC said that they had experienced suicidal ideation in the past year. Please educate yourself to help our children to LIVE LIFE.

L - Limit access to means of suicide

I - Interact with the media on responsible reporting

F - Foster life skills of young people

E - Early identify and support everyone affected

Suicide: 2022 Global Facts Sheet

How to Beat the Winter Blues

2024-01-11T08:01:00.011-07:00

Pexels

Brigham Young University (BYU) students, like students anywhere else, are susceptible to the winter blues. Here are some common ways students might cope with the winter season:

Outdoor Activities: Taking advantage of winter intramural sports and activities can be a great way to stay active and enjoy the season. Additionally, students might prefer going out on their own by taking advantage of local, world-class skiing or snowboarding resorts Alta or Snowbird, or simply taking a walk in the snow. Don't like the cold? Soak in the sunshine by heading to St. George for a day.
Indoor Recreation: Keep up with exercise routines and plan weekly activities to break the winter routine. BYU and Provo offer indoor recreational facilities where students can engage in activities like pickleball, or swimming at the Richards Building (RB), rock climbing at the Quarry, or playing indoor activities with friends during open court times at the RB gyms. Whatever indoor activity you choose, create an environment for positivity by remaining close to full-spectrum light sources (considered light therapy; especially helpful at home).

Socializing: Building a strong social support network can help combat feelings of isolation during winter. Students may join BYU Clubs such as Badminton, Baking, Beatbox, Black Student Union, or Board Game Club (to name the first few Bs). Students could pop on a "warm-island-vibes" Spotify playlist and go hot tubbing with some close friends to stay connected.

Wellness and Fitness Programs: BYU's SWELL department hosts many Winter programs to keep students active. Additionally, SWELL offers Yfitness classes to support students' mental and physical well-being. These programs include yoga, Zumba, or Aquafit classes.

Cultural and Entertainment Events: Attending cultural events, concerts, and performances on or around campus can provide a break from the routine and add some excitement to the winter months. BYUarts has a full calendar of events to choose from. Outside of campus, find joy in community activities like spending time in the temple and chatting with coworkers.

Seasonal Celebrations: Embracing winter festivities and holidays can bring a sense of joy. The Provo Library hosts and publishes a number of Winter events that students may participate in for free, including holiday-display-making, a Messiah Sing-In, performing groups, and Christmas-light-viewing activities.

Academic Support and Stress Management: Winter can be a challenging time academically, with exams and projects. Seeking academic support, managing stress through healthy coping mechanisms, and maintaining a balanced schedule can contribute to overall well-being. BYU's Counseling and Psychological Services (CAPS) offers many off-line mental health resources and clinical services.

Don't be SAD. Proactively combat the blues. Connect with others. Plan some Winter events today!

The Power of Dim Lights

2023-07-21T10:08:00.044-06:00

I want to be an under shepherd for Christ, but I fear my light is not super bright. Is my dim light enough?

Dim Lightbulb by Aditya Vyas

When I love people, I desire to be open with them. That includes the deep joy I find in my relationship with Jesus Christ.

The Rub

But here's the rub. When I hear "motivational" quotes like,

"If you want to give light to others, you have to glow yourself.” And “Ours is the responsibility to keep our lights bright for others to see and follow.” —Thomas S. Monson

"Stand as witnesses of God at all times and in all things, and in all places" (Mosiah 18:9, emphasis added).

"As we live the gospel, love and serve others, stand strong in the face of temptation and persecution, and bear testimony in word and deed, we will draw others to Jesus Christ" ("Our Call to Share the Savior's Gospel," Liahona, July 2023, 7).

I think: "You must be flawless before you can invite someone to be more like Christ." —Bryan's Perfectionism Greatest Hits soundtrack

The Lie

I often feel the desire to share the gospel in normal and natural ways, motivated by my love for others. However, that wholesome desire is often accompanied by a perfectionistic voice that warmly suggests, "What a nice thought, Bryan. But wouldn't it be better if your light shined just a little bit brighter before you come out from under that bushel?" (Matt. 5: 14-16) "Your light isn't bright enough to effectively guide others to Christ. In fact, instead of promoting Christ, your hypocritical imperfection will sabotage others' journies toward Christ."

While I love the idea of being a witness, beacon, or a "lower light" to Christ's lighthouse, my fear of imagined hypocrisy deters me from that goal. I am aware that the fearful voice in my head is Satan's attempt to spread misery.

So what can I do about it?

The Fix

Remember: ESLSL

Even small lights save lives.

I'll play this new soundtrack on repeat whenever those discouraging voices of perfectionism creep in. Let me share a story and a personal application that illustrates this truth.

Story: The Security Light That Saved a Life

There are two kinds of stories that immediately pull at my heartstrings. One is that of anyone who survives a life-devastating event, and two, anything concerning children. Well, what I’m about to share with you combines them both.

Sailor was only seven years old, the lone survivor of a plane crash that killed her parents, her sister, and her cousin. The sheriff said, “She literally fell out of the sky into a dark hole.” He called her survival “a miracle.” This “miracle” survivor somehow managed to crawl out of the upside-down wreckage of her dad’s plane, dressed only in shorts and a t-shirt on a winter night. Shoe-less, through brambles and underbrush, this, who they called a “remarkable” young girl, navigated two embankments, a hill, and a creek bed all in the dark!

Then, much like the book of Genesis, “there was light.” Actually, it was just a single security light on a house. But when she knocked on that door, a kind, grandfatherly man brought her inside. Then she was safe. One report said this: “He thinks his security light may have been a beacon.” I agree. A beacon of light for a little girl who had lost so much in the dark. Thank God for the light that saved her life.

Personal Application: The Dim Glow of a Cellphone Screen

I love the benefits of sleeping in a pitch-black bedroom. But as you can imagine, answering nature's call can be quite treacherous without a little visual assistance. One night, on my way to the bathroom, I remember feeling especially discombobulated. Groping the air with one hand and fumbling with my cell phone in the other, I barely managed to eke out a faint glow from the cell phone screen (on dark mode). Surprisingly, that was enough light for me to successfully navigate the labyrinth of obstacles between me and my destination. I narrowly dodged the pile of clothing I had set out for the following morning and somehow avoided stubbing my toe on any furniture or fixtures along the twisted path. My cellphone's feeble screen light pushed back the shadows and revealed the immediate path before me. Once in the bathroom, I bathed myself in light.

As I returned to bed, I reflected upon the profound truth I discovered: even the smallest glow could make all the difference, keeping me from stumbling, and illuminating my way through the darkest moments. I realized that just like my cellphone light, I, too, could be a guiding beacon, proving that even in the most ordinary times, small lights mean the world to those struggling through the darkness.

Smartphone in Darkness by Gift Habeshaw

Conclusion

In 2022, Ryan Murphy and the Tabernacle Choir performed a special arrangement of the classic hymn Brightly Beams Our Father's Mercy. If you listen to the recording below, pay attention to the introduction. The first 15 seconds are almost too quiet to hear. The tinkling overture is then augmented until it grows into an encompassing harmony. The beautiful simplicity of this introduction symbolizes both the meek but powerful role of Christ's lower lights and the potential of these lights for growth.

I don't have to be the brightest light; that's Christ's role. I don't even need to be in the right place at the right time for Christ to use me; I believe he will use me anywhere. I just need to not dim my light when Wormtongue comes a' whispering.

Sure, I've been brighter in the past. And I hope to grow even brighter in the future. But regardless of my current level of luminosity, my light is enough. I appreciate April Meservy's call to action in the 2004 EFY soundtrack, "All people sitting in the darkness, stand up and share a little brightness." I am a committed disciple of Jesus Christ. And though I am imperfect, my simple but fixed light can make a difference for those tempest-tossed sailors who are struggling along my stretch of shore; my dim light can mean the world for those seeking the serene and healing harbor that Jesus Christ offers all.

Novak Djokovic's X-Factor

2023-01-25T19:29:00.034-07:00

Why Djoker Will Win the 2023 Aussie Open

I just finished watching Novak Djokovic's 4th-round, post-game, on-court interview, and I can just tell he will win. On top of all the other incredible things he has going for him, there is about his confident swagger and playful demeanor cinched it for me.

Here's what he said in the interview:

Jim Courier: 'I'm not going to ask you HOW you beat him so convincingly; I'm gonna ask you WHY you beat him so convincingly.' ― American tennis great Jim Courier said to Novak Djoker Djokovic after the later dismantled his opponent Alex de Minaur in straight sets.

Djoker: 'Because I wanted to,' Djoker calmly replied with a grin on his face. *Mic drop*

Did you catch it? Did you sense Djokovic's X-factor in the interview? It resides somewhere in the mental/emotional domain. This elusive element, combined with his physical preparation will make him unstoppable. I'm still unsure how to exactly define this X-factor. So, the rest of this post will be my exploration of it.

What the X-factor Is NOT

Though it hurts my Federer-loving heart to admit it, Novak Djokovic is THE GREATEST MEN'S SINGLES TENNIS PLAYER OF ALL TIME (in nearly every meaningful category of the game). The following traits contribute to his general greatest:

Mental toughness that allows him to elevate his game when losing or when the crowd is against him. There are many other facets to mental toughness as well. (At this level of competition, the mental game of tennis is what makes the difference between winning and losing. The X-factor is definitely adjacent to this aspect.)
Extensive tournament experience playing in big matches frees him to hit with power, accuracy, and ease.
Diet and training. While his dedication and intensity to his physique are noteworthy and likely contribute to his longevity and on-court endurance, it's not enough to make him a champion.
Confidence and ability to harness fear in the face of devastating odds.

This is indirectly related to his X-factor. “If your goal in life is to become fearless, then I believe you’re already on the wrong path, because the only truly fearless people I’ve ever met were straight-up sociopaths and a few exceptionally reckless three-year-olds—and those aren’t good role models for anyone. The truth is, you need your fear, for obvious reasons of basic survival. Evolution did well to install a fear reflex within you, because if you didn’t have any fear, you would lead a short, crazy, stupid life.” ― Elizabeth Gilbert, Big Magic: Creative Living Beyond Fear
“It seems to me that the less I fight my fear, the less it fights back. If I can relax, fear relaxes, too.” ― Elizabeth Gilbert, Big Magic: Creative Living Beyond Fear

His vampire-like ability to draw energy from his opponent and from the crowd.

This is also related to his X-factor, but not exactly it. “Recognizing that people's reactions don't belong to you is the only sane way to create. If people enjoy what you've created, terrific. If people ignore what you've created, too bad. If people misunderstand what you've created, don't sweat it. And what if people absolutely hate what you've created? What if people attack you with savage vitriol, insult your intelligence, malign your motives, and drag your good name through the mud? Just smile sweetly and suggest - as politely as you possibly can - that they go make their own f*cking art. Then stubbornly continue making yours.”― Elizabeth Gilbert, Big Magic: Creative Living Beyond Fear

The intense ability to focus on the moment and avoid distraction.
The unwavering commitment to be the best he can be.
Genetics. This is unrelated to his X-factor, but it facilitates it. “Genetic randomness had already determined how much talent I’d been allotted, and destiny’s randomness would account for my share of luck. The only piece I had any control over was my discipline. Recognizing that, it seemed like the best plan would be to work my ass off. That was the only card I had to play, so I played it hard.” ― Elizabeth Gilbert, Big Magic: Creative Living Beyond Fear

These combined factors make Djokovic better than almost any player on the court on any given day, which alone gives him a ~70% chance of winning this tournament. However, combining these things with the X-factor (illustrated in this post-match interview) puts it over the top. I'd say he has at least a 97% chance of winning.

Clearly, all these Australian Open tennis players are outstanding athletes. So, what is it that makes the difference? What does Djoker have that other players don't in this tournament do not?

What the X-Factor Looks Like in Creative Writing

Elizabeth Gilbert might have the answer. After writing her international bestseller, Eat Pray Love, she felt immense pressure to "do it again." Surely, Djokovic must deal with similar pressure, having won this particular Grand Slam tournament eight times.

Passages from her book Big Magic: Creative Living Beyond Fear (2015), a self-help guide for struggling creatives, swam around in my head while I watched the on-court interview. So, I began comparing her advice to what I am seeing on TV.

It occurred to me that what truly sets Djokovic apart from his competitors is not his passion for the game, but that he knows deep down that the game loves him. Let me illustrate this idea by relating a story that Gilbert actually facilitated in a classroom full of burgeoning writers in her chapter on Trust.

Imagine that you've gathered the world's best tennis players in a room. If you were to ask them, "How many of you are passionate about the game of tennis?" I'm positive they would unanimously and emphatically raise their hands. Nick Kyrgios would probably whoop and throw in a few expletives. However, if you then asked the same individuals, "How many of you believe that the game of tennis loves you," I imagine that―like Gilbert's classroom of writers―the majority of the tennis players would tragically lower their hands.

Like writers and all artists, professional tennis players frequently see their connection with Tennis personified as being quite one-sided. In the beginning, each tennis star felt blessed by Tennis's favor. They discovered they had an aptitude for the sport, and they flamed their passion with tireless practice and sacrifice. However, after Hardship, Injury, and Defeat had their way with them over the months and years, they began to question whether Tennis was their muse or whether Hard work, Suffering, and Luck made them great.

The Greeks and the Romans believed in the idea of an external daemon of creativity—a sort of house elf who lived within the walls of your home and who sometimes aided you in your labors. The Romans had a specific term for that helpful house elf. They called it your genius—your guardian deity, the conduit of your inspiration. Which is to say, the Romans didn’t believe that an exceptionally gifted person was a genius; they believed that an exceptionally gifted person had a genius. It’s a subtle but important distinction (being vs. having), and I think it’s a wise psychological construct. The idea of an external genius helps to keep the artist’s ego in check, distancing him somewhat from the burden of taking either full credit or full blame for the outcome of his work. If your work is successful, in other words, you are obliged to thank your external genius for the help, thus holding you back from total narcissism. And if your work fails, it’s not entirely your fault. You can say, “Hey, don’t look at me—my genius didn’t show up today!” Either way, the vulnerable human ego is protected. Protected from the corrupting influence of praise. Protected from the corrosive effects of shame.

― Elizabeth Gilbert, Big Magic: Creative Living Beyond Fear

"Having" a Genius vs. "Being" a Genius

In her 2009 TED talk, titled “Your Elusive Genius,” Elizabeth Gilbert delves into the challenges faced by creative individuals. She proposes a radical perspective: rather than considering genius as an inherent trait possessed by a select few, we should recognize that everyone has access to their own genius. This shift in mindset can alleviate the crippling fear associated with performing at one’s best, especially in high-stakes situations like elite competitions.

Gilbert draws inspiration from ancient Greek and Roman beliefs. These cultures viewed creativity as a divine gift bestowed by a mysterious external source (a muse or daemon) rather than a personal attribute. By engaging in a playful and respectful dialogue with this creative force, artists can navigate the unpredictable and sometimes otherworldly nature of their work. This approach encourages humility, gratitude, and a commitment to showing up for creative endeavors, regardless of the outcome.

In essence, Gilbert’s talk invites us to embrace our creative genius, recognizing that it is not solely our burden but a collaborative dance with something greater than ourselves. My favorite example of hers is the Tom Waite story that begins around 12;30.

In contrast, tennis players who take a more humanistic view of their game (who feel that they are solely responsible for their performance) will show up to interviews very seriously. They talk about preparing as best they can, and sticking to their game plan.

Those players with trickster energy (X-factor) are much more playful. They say weird stuff like, "My next opponent is playing great tennis! I'll be just as excited as you to see who will win." This implies that they are there to win, but they don't take full responsibility for the outcome. They will show up with their A-game, but they recognize that their tennis "daemon" will need to play its role too. It almost seems like the more Romantic and playful creatives are, the more receptive they are to help from their muses.

Trickster Energy

I think Djokovic's X-factor is his playfulness, or as Gilbert puts it, his trickster energy. (I mean come on. It's in his name, "Djoker." Not to forget his classic tennis impersonations.

Gilbert explains why it's better for artists (and tennis players) to be tricksters rather than martyrs.

'Better a trickster than a martyr be.'
What's the difference between a martyr and a trickster, you ask?
Here's a quick primer.
Martyr energy is dark, solemn, macho, hierarchical, fundamentalist, austere, unforgiving, and profoundly rigid.
Trickster energy is light, sly, transgender, transgressive, animist, seditious, primal, and endlessly shape-shifting.

Two Tennis Tricksters In The Final

I'll do you one better than predict the winner. I'll predict the final match: Djokovic vs Tsitsipas.

Tsitsipas still has some fear in him, but he's approaching Djoker's level of trickster energy. Although he attributes his own ability to dig himself out of holes to "experience" and a "Spartan Attitude" (he's Greek, btw), Tsitsipas shares the same kind of relationship with Tennis that Djokovic does. Neither one pretends to be fearless. They accept their fear and play anyway, which are textbook traits of heroic champions. Notice how playful and re-directing Tsitsipas is in his on-court interview. He barely talks about tennis. He is much more curious about other things, like seeing his favorite Aussie actress courtside and hopefully donating the champion's purse to the State of Victoria to build a school.

Conclusion

My sense of the current tennis scene is that all these next-generation players are taking their shot at a title too seriously. They should all read Elizabeth Gilbert's Big Magic and relearn how to play at tennis.

Creativity is sacred, and it is not sacred. What we make matters enormously, and it doesn’t matter at all. We toil alone, and we are accompanied by spirits. We are terrified, and we are brave. Art is a crushing chore and a wonderful privilege. Only when we are at our most playful can divinity finally get serious with us. Make space for all these paradoxes to be equally true inside your soul, and I promise—you can make anything. So please calm down now and get back to work, okay? The treasures that are hidden inside you are hoping you will say yes. ― Elizabeth Gilbert, Big Magic: Creative Living Beyond Fear

Post-tournament edit: Novak Djokovic defeated Stefanos Tsitsipas in the final, 6–3, 7–6, 7–6 to win the men's singles tennis title at the 2023 Australian Open. It was his record-extending tenth Australian Open title and 22nd major title overall, tying Rafael Nadal for the all-time record of most Grand Slam men's singles titles won. (Wikipedia)

Edit June 2024: I just found this interview clip of Djokovic's current coach making the same thing I did in a pre-game locker room.

Kai's Lullaby

2022-03-09T21:44:00.009-07:00

Stacia and I wrote a lullaby for our 5-month-old baby, Kai. Here's how it happened:

Before Kai's birth, we intended to create a personalized lullaby like my sisters’ kids had. However, busy schedules made it challenging. During our Christmas vacation at Heather's house in Spokane, WA, we aimed to fulfill that goal and compose a special lullaby for Kai. However, with the house packed with family to interact with, we never made the time. Fortunately for us, my sister invited us to extend our stay by a week. Once the house was quiet, we immediately got to work on Kai's goodnight song. After months and months of anticipation, it all came together—in a single afternoon! First, I threw a favorite chord progression together on the guitar. Then Stacia and I figured out the vocal melody, lyrics, and form and wrote it all down on sheet music.

The following day, we were still in the flow, so we added descants and harmonies. My 12-year-old niece Annika and my sister Heather pitched in by making up a piano accompaniment. We laughed and laughed while trying to record it later that night. I couldn't keep both the lyrics and the chord progression in my mind at the same time. (That's what I get for not touching an instrument in years.)

After seven recording attempts with me fumbling on the guitar, we asked Heather to accompany us on the piano, allowing us to concentrate only on singing.

Upon returning home to Provo, UT (and with another week of practice), Stacia and I recorded a live version in our bedroom closet while putting Kai to sleep. Since I loaned my guitar to Heather's freshman son, Tanner, a freshman at BYU, I accompanied us on the ukulele. The uke is better anyway because it easily fits into our closet space and it gives the song a fun, island vibe that we love. We hope you enjoy it too! Download the .m4a version here: Our Baby Kai

Bryan Bertón Tanner · Our Kai (Uke Version)

Stacia and I plan to write lullabies for each of our kids. I guess we'll have to visit The Whitehead Spa & Resort in Spokane about 11 more times in the near future for continued inspiration! (Just joking, Mom; only 8 more kids...)

Let's Read Some Mind-Altering Speeches & Talks

2021-09-23T16:08:00.008-06:00

James Clear by pxfuel

My mom emailed me this great list of talks to read. I am currently reading them and would love for you to join me. Click the links below to jump to a specific speech. On each page, you'll find a full transcript of the speech as well as some additional background information, most of which was put together by James Clear, author of Atomic Habits.

Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie, “The Danger of a Single Story”
Jeff Bezos, “Statement by Jeff Bezos to the U.S. House Committee on the Judiciary”
Jeff Bezos, “What Matters More Than Your Talents”
John C. Bogle, “Enough”
Brené Brown, “The Anatomy of Trust“
John Cleese, “Creativity in Management”
William Deresiewicz, “Solitude and Leadership”
Richard Feynman, “Seeking New Laws”
Neil Gaiman, “Make Good Art”
John W. Gardner, “Personal Renewal”
Elizabeth Gilbert, “Your Elusive Creative Genius”
Albert E. N. Gray, “The Common Denominator of Success”
Bill Gurley, “Runnin Down a Dream”
Richard Hamming, “Learning to Learn”
Richard Hamming, “You and Your Research”
Steve Jobs, “2005 Stanford Commencement Address”
Peter Kaufman, “The Multidisciplinary Approach to Thinking”
Admiral William H. McRaven, “Make Your Bed”
Arno Rafael Minkkinen, “Finding Your Own Vision”
Charlie Munger, “2007 USC Law School Commencement Address”
Charlie Munger, “A Lesson on Elementary, Worldly Wisdom”
Charlie Munger, “How to Guarantee a Life of Misery”
Charlie Munger, “The Psychology of Human Misjudgment”
Nathan Myhrvold, “Roadkill on the Information Highway“
Randy Pausch, “Achieving Your Childhood Dreams”
Randy Pausch, “Time Management”
Anna Quindlen, “1999 Mount Holyoke Commencement Speech”
John Roberts, “I Wish You Bad Luck”
Sir Ken Robinson, “Do Schools Kill Creativity?”
J.K. Rowling, “The Fringe Benefits of Failure”
George Saunders, “Failures of Kindness”
Claude Shannon, “Creative Thinking”
BF Skinner, “How to Discover What You Have to Say”
Jim Valvano, “Don't Give Up”
Bret Victor, “Inventing on Principle”
David Foster Wallace, “This is Water”
Brad Wilcox, "My Grace is Sufficient"*
Art Williams, “Just Do It”
Evan Williams, “A Journey on the Information Highway”

*Talks I added to Clear's list.

Let's talk about any of the ideas these talks brought up for you. For example, how there is one female speaker for every six male speakers.

4 Ways to Practice Diversity, Inclusion, and Belonging (DIB)

2021-09-01T14:18:00.014-06:00

Introduction

In the wake of the volatile response to Elder Holland's recent BYU address, my friend, Melanie Parry-Winkle, shared the following compassionate invitation on Facebook.

I took Melanie up on her offer and reached out in a private message. We had a terrific conversation. With patience and gentle curiosity, she helped me articulate some of the tension I was experiencing. She also offered me a deeper appreciation for the experience of those who were feeling hurt and afraid for their safety after Elder Holland's address.

My thoughts then turned to how I could take a step closer to those with different perspectives instead of draw lines in defense of my own views. With her permission, I'll repeat the counsel she shared with me:

Excerpt from Our Facebook Conversation

Bryan: I've recently been feeling sensitive about my privilege. As a white, cis-gendered BYU grad trying to get a job in the valley, I'm working hard to uncover and publicly acknowledge my biases and be open to working with others. Any advice?
Mel: The first thing is to accept that you’re never going to arrive. This isn’t something we, the Privileged, can accomplish. We always have to be unlearning.
The next is to seek out and consume content from people who aren’t like you. It doesn’t even have to be about race, gender, sexuality, class, etc. Just consuming the stories of people who live different lives will expand your thinking in very important ways. [One way you could do this is to t]rain your social media algorithms to feed you diverse content. On TikTok you can search things like natural hair, black girl magic, native traditions, cultural dance, stuff like that. Then you consciously like, comment, and share those videos, and the algorithms start doing the work for you.
I think the most important though, is holding your fellow Privileged accountable for their bad behavior. If a male coworker makes a comment about a teenage girl’s body, let him know he’s gross. If you hear someone victim-blaming, speak up. We have to hold each other accountable, we can’t leave it to the victims of the bad behavior to make these changes.
And the last one for extra credit (and I think this can be the most emotionally heavy one) is to allow yourself to be the avatar for oppression when needed/appropriate. If a person of color calls you colonizer, let them. If someone says white people ruin everything, agree. We really have.

My Summary: 4 Ways to Practice Diversity, Inclusion, and Belonging

Stay humble and curious. Once you think you're "woke," you're not.
Actively seek out and consume diverse stories. Yours isn't the only view in this big world of ours.
Speak up to injustice. Silence perpetuates privilege.
Avoid defensiveness in the face of someone else's genuine pain. Validate feelings. Validating is different than agreeing. You can still disagree while also respecting the other person’s thoughts and feelings. As you try to validate their feelings, you might realize that you see things more similarly than you originally thought.

Let me know in the comments if you learned more from this exchange.

Resources

White Fragility by Robin DiAngelo
Bystander vs. Outstander, LinkedIn Learning Training by Catherine Mattice Zundel
How to Disagree without Being Disagreeable by LDS psychotherapist, Nathan Acree

My Tragic EFY COW Story

2021-08-27T18:04:00.007-06:00

Introduction

Note: I originally wrote this circa 2016.

It is springtime in Provo and the air is, once again, thick with love. With all of the Especially For Youth (EFY) counselors dotting the BYU campus in their brightly colored polos, I am reminded of a traumatizing, would-be-love story that is finally ripe for serious self-reflection after 10 years.

Storytime

I worked for EFY in varying capacities for 3 summers (2005-2007). It was one of the most demanding, most satisfying things I've ever done. I used to joke that the pay wasn't great, but the (spiritual) benefits were out-of-this-world.

As a 23-25-year-old BYU-Utah undergraduate student, I was beyond my dating prime and feeling serious pressure to be in "wife-finding mode," despite not feeling emotionally prepared for that kind of commitment with another person. In EFY culture, there is an end-of-week relationship tradition observed by both participants and counselors. Although counselors were prohibited (and participants were discouraged) from acting on romantic inclinations during the week, it was popular to let your friends know whom you had a crush on. These crushes were referred to as C.O.W.s or "crushes of the week." For counselors, the acronym was the same, but it stood for "Counselor of the Week." If you were lucky, you would have time to go out on a date once or twice before you either headed home or began a new week of EFY (with a new set of counselors). And the ritual would begin anew.

After completing 8 consecutive weeks as an EFY counselor one summer, I plucked up the courage to invite my final week's COW, Ashley, over to my Raintree apartment for dinner. Ashley was the full package. She had a stunning figure and features. Her gospel testimony was deep and rock solid. And most importantly, she was into me.

Primed by months of sharing my testimony and being spiritually open with my EFY groups, I spent the evening enjoying a profound personal conversation with Ashley. We were like the couples you see in movies who spend hours in a coffee shop, not knowing where the time has gone. I shared with her my innermost feelings. And she trusted me with hers. It was as honest and intimate as I've ever been with anyone. It felt so good. But at the same time, it terrified me.

Even in my mid-20s, I was not confident in my ability to read (much less interpret) "feminine signals," but even I could tell that Ashley desperately wanted me to kiss her; who knows, maybe even marry her.

I remember thinking: I want to kiss her. I think she wants me to. But above all, I have to be honest about my feelings. I don't know if I can trust my emotions. Is this true intimacy, or are my hormones just getting the better of me? Will I feel the same about her tomorrow? When will I see her again? I don't want to hurt her. What should I do?

What Does A Kiss Mean?

In that moment of indecision, I experienced a deluge of competing thoughts.

At first, I was all for it. My hormones were definitely a go. I'd even come up with some spiritual justification-- Elder Bruce C. Hafen of the Seventy advised young adults to make sure their actions matched their intent: “During the time of courtship, please be emotionally honest in the expression of affection. Sometimes you are not as careful as you might be about when, how, and to whom you express your feelings of affection. You must realize that the desire to express affection can be motivated by other things than true love.” Elder Hafen continued: “When any of you—men or women—are given entrance to the heart of a trusting young friend, you stand on holy ground. In such a place you must be honest with yourself—and with your friend—about love and the expression of its symbols” (source). I felt like my actions would be aligned with my intent. But then I second-guessed myself. What if we kissed and then, for some reason, our relationship ended that night!

I really wanted this to work out. So I reassured myself by buying into the popular Provo cultural belief that a kiss was a contract (made famous by Flight of the Concords around that time).

So, there I was awkwardly frozen on the apartment couch with Ashley, too scared to commit.

But then the thought came to me, if I didn't kiss her, it could be considered cruel. It had escaped me until then that our evening-long conversation was equivalent to an emotional make-out session. I was then reminded of Matthew Richardson's strong caution against developing incongruence between emotional-physical intimacy levels, which inevitably results in unstable relationships (The Relationship Seasons). I.e., my turbo-charged emotional/spiritual cart may be ahead of my physical horses. I guess I'd better catch up physically. (Horny logic.)

Photo of a 2007 EFY handout
The Tragic End to Our Story

With these thoughts still swimming between my ears, I seized up emotionally. I created some physical distance between us on the couch and poorly expressed my desire to "respect" her. Unfortunately, I came off more like a malfunctioning robot than an articulate, caring human.

Ashley left that night, heartbroken. I never saw her again. We never spoke again. After trying once or twice to contact her, I was too ashamed to continue. I imagine she felt used and rejected and all sorts of shame too. I can only assume she hated/hates my guts. What a tragic end for us both.

Conclusion

I absolutely should have leaned in for the kiss.

At that moment, I wish I would have said, "Ashley, I want to tell you something, but it's super hard for me because I have the emotional intelligence of a dreidel. Are you okay if I give it a try? *Wait vulnerably for her response.* You are totally incredible. I've been wanting to kiss you all week. But I worry I won't be able to contain my feelings for you if I act on them—I feel like a baby cobra incapable of regulating his venomous bite. This might sound silly, but I feel personally responsible to guard your virtue as well as my own and I'm not confident in my ability to control myself with you, here, now, on this couch, alone in my apartment. I feel stuck because I can't think rationally due to said racing emotions. I just wanted to put that out there. Oh, also, I worry about what it would mean for you if we kissed and then the worst-case scenario happened and we never saw one another again. I've been talking a lot. Will you please tell me what's going on for you?"

Even after 10 years, I'm not sure I would be emotionally fluid enough to be able to blurt all that out. But it's fun to review now. I don't know where Ashley D. is today, but I wish her the best. And I gift myself a large slice of self-compassion as I continue to practice being comfortable with and expressing my emotions.

#MatadorEnergy