Tuesdays With(out) Torii

Merv, Clean-Up in Aisle 12

noreply@blogger.com (Hops) — Tue, 08 Jul 2008 16:32:00 +0000

Mini-Picture Pages-Cleveland Indians
Friday: Twins 12 Indians 3
Saturday: Twins 9 Indians 6
Sunday: Twins 4 Indians 3

I was outside of Twins Territory most of the gloriously long weekend, but I thoroughly enjoyed checking the internets every morning to see that my Little Team That Could is still chugging along. Putting a division rival into fire sale mode is a Good Thing. Trading C.C. to the National League is even better. He can rake. (Oh, and it lessons the chances of him shutting out Favorite Squad #1). Joe Mauer continues to stick his two middle fingers directly up my ass...and i'm loving it! (He's really gentle for such a big guy)

And I won't be the only one to enjoy the sexual stylings of St. Paul's finest, an entire nation of pre-teen girls and unusually single older gentlemen will be fawning over him as the starting Catcher for the American League All-Star Team. He's joined by Justin Morneau and Joe Nathan. Mauer and Morneau were no surprise...but it was a pleasant surprise that Joe Nathan and the Facial Tics made it. Not undeserving of a spot, Nathan was expected to be the victim of an overabundance of good relief pitchers on bad teams. Baltimore and Kansas City's only realistic representatives were closers (not to mention both had more saves than Joe), and Rivera and Papelbon were obviously going to be on the team...Rivera 'cuz he's quietly having another amazing year and Papelbon because they needed someone who was batshit crazy in case Carlos Zambrano starts a beanball war. Add K-Rod and his infinity amount of saves to the mix, and it isn't hard to leave Mr. Nathan on the golf course for three days.

But Terry Francona picked him, and, after the fact, it really isn't that hard to see why. The starting pitching in the AL kinda sucks. Not in a "we even considered Sidney Ponson" sort of way, but there weren't many dominating pitchers in the first half. Halladay is fun 'cuz he pitches the full nine every other start, and Lee has been extremely tough to score on...but no one (including these guys) is EXCITING. So six closers it is. Good for you, Joe Nathan.

Speaking of six closers and batshit crazy...how 'bout this idea:

Let Mariano Rivera start the game.

It's the final season at current Yankee Stadium, and, more than any other player (yes, more than Jeter), Rivera has defined the Yankee resurgance of the 90's and 00's.

Yes, it would be amazing if he came in for the 9th inning, the AL clinging to a one-run lead, Chase Utley, Albert Pujols, and Lance Berkman due up for the NL. But that's not going to happen. One, there's no guarantee the game will be close late...and B, by the time the 9th inning rolls around, he'll be facing Russell Martin, Christian Guzman, and Nate McLouth.

The All-Star game is ONLY interesting if there's drama. Why not create some? If you have Rivera pitch the first, you're guaranteeing he'll face the game's best hitters in its "best" ballpark. You'll have a much bigger audience, as no one gives up and goes to bed in the first inning...do they? And, you'll make sure he enters the game in a meaningful situation. Let him pitch the second, too. (If he and Girardi are okay with it)

By the time this 5 hour marathon limps past what will certainly be the longest seventh inning stretch in the history of the game, it's likely you'll have half the audience you started with and almost none of the buzz.

Do you think I could call Gardy and have him pass this on to Francona? Does anyone have his number?

Picture Pages-Detroit Tigers

noreply@blogger.com (Hops) — Wed, 02 Jul 2008 20:20:00 +0000

Monday:
Tigers 5 Twins 4

Jessie Crain embarrasses an entire nation by helping to blow a 4-1 lead on Canada Day Eve. All the little Canadian Boys and Girls are sad as Tigers let out a Big Gay Roar.

Tuesday:
Twins 6 Tigers 4

Craig Monroe, more than just a pinch hitter, really needs to stop hitting home runs. That's no way to earn playing time.

Wednesday:

Twins 7 Tigers 0

Get your damn hands off my second place. Tigers go quitely into that goodnight as Twins prove they are the 2nd best team in the entire Central Division.

Picture Pages-Milwaukee Brewers

noreply@blogger.com (Hops) — Mon, 30 Jun 2008 16:05:00 +0000

Friday:

Twins 7 Brewers 6

Joe Mauer had it all. A #1 draft pick, former High School All-American, and hometown hero to millions of kids in St. Paul, MN (yes, there are millions of kids in St. Paul...have you been lately?) But his lack of power despite being 6'5", 240lbs drove him from the game he loves. He spent years working as a warming house attendant on Lake Phalen, trying to forget all those 4-3 put-outs. As he's finally coming to terms with abject failure, something drives him from his self-imposed exile. He learns his long-estranged son is taking an interest in baseball, and that his favorite player is Ryan Howard. Joe sends his son a letter asking, "How can a .215 hitter with a .310 on-base percentage be your favorite hitter?" He waits an agonizing three weeks before finally receiving a postcard as reply. It's a picture of a pile of money and on the back is written:

20. Home. runs. In June.

Joe is enraged! He immediately goes through a fifteen minute training montage complimented with inspirational music by Tim Mahoney, rejoins the Twins, and begins dominating baseball like no one has ever seen...culminating in his crushing of a Guillermo Mota fastball into the folded up football seats that pass for centerfield in the Metrodome to power the Twins over the Brewers.

Twins win 10 in a row. Joe Mauer regains the love of his son.

Saturday:

Brewers 5 Twins 1

Finding the National League utterly ridiculous, the Twins decide to play Saturday's game with one Nick Punto tied behind their backs. The Brewers prove that not even National League teams lose to teams with Nick Punto hitting second. We heart you Alexi Casilla!

Sunday:
Twins 5 Brewers 0

Kevin Slowey eats the worm...finishes what he started. Believe it or not, Delmon Young hits another home run. No word yet on how he feels about Susan Sontag or long, slow deep kisses that last three days. The streak is at one.

Picture Pages-San Diego Padres

noreply@blogger.com (Hops) — Fri, 27 Jun 2008 14:54:00 +0000

Who knew San Diego really does mean Whale's Vagina? Good God, Man...they're terrible. If you're a Padres fan, is there any reason to show-up to the ballpark? Oh...right. The sun. And the skorts. Right. Sorry, nevermind.

Speaking of elementary school...does everyone remember the "carnivals" you used to have in 5th and 6th grade? The school would fill the gym with make-shift booths for ring toss, face painting, pop-a-shot. The principal would sit in the dunk tank. The mild-mannered english teacher would show-up with her biker boyfriend wearing a sleeveless top showing off her "Bitches Gotta Ride" tattoo. The gym teacher would get drunk and make out with the new social studies teacher. This happened to everyone, right?

Well...if you didn't have all that...I KNOW you had a rope ladder. I think some of the more blasphemous amoung you probably called it a Jacob's Ladder. The point was to climb the thing and ring a bell at the top without falling off onto the thin blue mats that would later be velcroed back up on the gym wall. There were only like six steps, but the damn thing took a level of balance and coordination that just doesn't exist for those beginning puberty. Unless you were freakishly tall and you could jump up and ring the bell without actually having to achieve reasonable equilibrium.

It reminds me a bit of how the Twins have operated these last few years. Hamstrung by self-appointed financial restrictions, it seems they're always counting on that perfect balance to get them through the season. There is very little margin for error, and when the starting pitching goes south...so goes the team.

Inevitably, at those school carnivals someone's little brother or sister would want to give the rope ladder a try, and, to avoid abject failure, a parent would hold the ladder steady as they gingerly made their way toward heaven and prize tickets.

Not only are the Twins' starting pitchers keeping this team in every game, but it helps when the National League holds the ladder for awhile.

Tuesday:
Twins 3 Padres 1

Hold it. Hold it. HOLD IT. Now, SWING! Both Brendon Harris and Brian Buscher are "scared straight" by the Return of Nick Punto. They each hit solo home runs in the 9th to win it.

Wednesday:
Twins 9 Padres 3

Harris hits ANOTHER home run. Craig Monroe needs to learn that if he doesn't want to be a pinch hitter, he should stop hitting pinch hit home runs. Boof Bonser strikes out the side in the 9th inning. Umm...congratulations?

Thursday:

Twins 4 Padres 3

Justin Morneau getting hot for awhile (not that he's been playing poorly) makes me happy in all the right places. Twins win 9 games in a row over teams from the NL. Don't qualify it...just take it.

WTF is right

noreply@blogger.com (Kaiser) — Thu, 26 Jun 2008 15:05:00 +0000

Rap
by bsap11

Via Babes Love Baseball via Deadspin

Picture Pages - Arizona Diamondbacks

noreply@blogger.com (Kaiser) — Mon, 23 Jun 2008 19:16:00 +0000

In honor of the SHOCKING amount of acceptable pictures available for tasteful publication (well, relative to our usual tripe) on this blog when "Big Unit" is entered into Google image search, all pictures for this post originated from the previously mentioned search.

Friday...Twins 7, Diamondbacks 2

The Old Yet Still Big Unit gets roughed up in the 3rd inning and the Twins starters have now won 4 in a row. Yeah yeah...against the National League. But people used to say the East sucks in the NBA and look what happened....

Best mullet ever?

Saturday...Twins 6, Backs 1

A Joe Mauer bunt gets the ridiculous one-inning rally started this time, thereby further infuriating all those in the Joe Mauer Needs To Hit For More Power camp while secretly still crushing or man-crushing on him. When Punto gets back in this lineup will we legitimately have about half the hitters being good 2-spot guys?

Big Unit...a-diddley.

Sunday...Twins 5, Dba[g]s 3

Sweep! Sweep! Sweep! Take THAT best pitcher I don't even really know about because I'm somewhat ignorant of the National League and A.L. non-Twins teams in general to a lesser degree.

Most borderline "tasteful" of the google image search results for Big Unit

Picture Pages-Washington Nationals

noreply@blogger.com (Hops) — Fri, 20 Jun 2008 17:32:00 +0000

Tuesday:
Twins 2 Nationals 1

Everyone knows the famous story about Milton Berle, right? No? Well...it's something like this:

It was common knowledge that Mr. Berle was one of the most well-endowed members (yes, I did that on purpose) of the Hollywood community. Apparently, young, similarly bent actors would constantly bet him their's was bigger. After one particularly dogged suitor wouldn't take "no" for an answer, Milton Berle replied "Fine...but I'll only take out enough to win".

You know what I'm talking about, Justin Morneau.

Wednesday:
Twins 11 Nationals 2

Washington tries to play Twins baseball by hitting lots of singles. Doesn't work. The Twins also poured hot sauce on the baseball so as to keep pesky Nationals fielders from getting to close to the ball.

Thursday:

Twins 9 Nationals 3

I may or may not have attended this weekday day game. If I did, I'm sure I would have had something to say about Wily Mo Pena's inability to run faster than Matt LeCroy, and how it was nice (for the Twins) that he was playing leftfield and not catcher.

"Stupid American Pitchers..."

noreply@blogger.com (Hops) — Wed, 18 Jun 2008 15:29:00 +0000

"Your curveballs do not amuse me."

Picture Pages-Milwaukee Brewers

noreply@blogger.com (Hops) — Mon, 16 Jun 2008 15:37:00 +0000

Friday:

Twins 10 Brewers 2

Free Kevin Slowey! Who needs the DH? Slowey pitches 8 whole innings and Helps His Cause with a two-run single (also had a double earlier in the game). More importantly, do the players look forward to the postgame spread in Milwaukee as much as they should? It has to be brats and PBR, right? Do you think the chopped onions are fresh? Mmm...magical animals.

Saturday:

Twins 9 Brewers 4

Joe Nathan gives up a game tying home run in the bottom of the 9th inning. Hey...we all have bad days. Maybe he missed Juan Rincon? (Oh yeah, the Twins cut Juan Rincon. Sorry) Stuff happens in extra innings, and the Twins win anyway

Sunday:

Brewers 4 Twins 2

Is there a more talented, athletic, dominating sports superstar in HISTORY who is as incapable of giving a smooth high-five than Tiger Woods? It's ridiculous. Has anyone ever met him? Is he incredibly awkward in every way that doesn't involve golf? It's silly, really. You'd think he'd be so used to ripping the hearts out of every other golfer that it would be no problem to saunter casually over to The New Zealand Guy That Carries His Bag and slap him some skin. My one year old nephew gives better Five than the greatest golfer in the world. That's funny.

The only thing I could think of that's comparably awkward in the Twins' world, is the look on Mike Redmond's face when Gardy has him bat third. "Really? You want ME to bat third? I mean...i think Rubix Kubel is probably your best choice here, skip. I'm just honored to be playing at all, really."

Picture Pages-Cleveland Indians

noreply@blogger.com (Hops) — Fri, 13 Jun 2008 15:37:00 +0000

Hey Boof Bonser! Want your job back?

Another miserable series. Another lack of interest on my part to render visually my feelings about the Twins. There other things in baseball more exciting than losing to Cleveland's AAA team.

Tuesday:

Cleveland 1 Twins 0

"Ran into a buzzsaw" "give the pitcher credit" Pick your stupid cliche...simple fact, CC Sabathia has been mostly horseshit this year and he CG'd the Twins and their limp wanged lineup. You know who's man bits are feeling particularly strong these days? That's right...Chipper Jones! Have you been following Chipper's amazing career since Day 1? No? Well, me neither. Mostly because he plays in Atlanta, and everyone hates the Braves. And maybe a little bit because he constantly whines about the lack of respect we, the fans/media/hot southern women, bestow upon him. Well, Chipper...you're batting .414 in June and I think that's pretty fucking awesome. (Yes, The Big Puma is having a better season...but .400 is .400)

Wednesday:

Twins 8 Cleveland 5

Twins hit a little, pitch a little...manage to win a ball game. Hey! You know who else is hitting a little and pitching a little these days? That's right, the Tampa Bay Rays (nee Devil)! I love their young players...love that they're succeeding in a division where "no one can compete" with the MFY's and MFRS's. My excitement is tempered by the fact that they play in Tampa Bay...which is exactly the same thing as rooting for a team from Bismarck, ND. There is nothing interesting about either place, except the fact that one is too hot and one is too cold. More reasons to love the Rays...Matt Garza , Jenn Sterger., and the possibility of a World Series game at this place:

Thursday:

Cleveland 12 Twins 2

Why are we taking our innings-eater out after just three innings? Maybe it's the neckbeard?

Hey! You know who else would look good with a neckbeard? That's right, Josh Hamilton! He has 71 R'SBI. That's 11 more than the next guy. When the Twins were only trading with the Reds and ol' pal Wayne Krivsky, did this guy's name ever come up? Nah...'course not. The Twins don't have any young pitching prospects that the Reds would be interested in. Phuck, you picked the wrong outfielder-with-the-troubled-past. Thanks.

The Streak is Dead...Long Live the Streak

noreply@blogger.com (Kaiser) — Thu, 12 Jun 2008 13:47:00 +0000

Man. It's been a long time since I stand up and shouted. Who was that twitchy fellow came in the at the end of the game last night....?

It does feel good to end the losing streak, which while only 6 games long, felt like it was "royally" long and when you consider how many runs the White Sox put up against us, it half-way was. I have to agree with Howard though, we may have just been beaten a team doing it's best Twins impression right now. Win tonight (oh god...Livan) and win the interleague series this weekend (mmm...lite beer and bratwurst), and I'll be right back at status quo, golf clapping my way along with the every-other-night-success of this .500 baseball team.

On a positive note, I think I am starting to come around on Alexi Casilla. Enough so that I'm suspending the nickname for the time being. He looks real comfortable and confident out there now...hitting .300 and playing solid D will do that for a guy. Plus, I think having someone like C Button out there with him is REALLY a good synergy...they seem to feed off each other. I would love to get them "Mic'd UP!" for some random day game sometime, or at the very least, someone should give them their own reality TV show where they live together Mauer and Morneau like. In fact, let's just put them all in a house and call it Big Brother 17: Twins Edition. That's a lot of Jimmy Johns.

Also on the positive list: Jason Kubel (check out the Last 7 and June splits) and Jesse Crain's "returns to form". Good work boys.

Now excuse me while I obsess about the U.S. Open...

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Sloppy Seconds
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Kaiser:
Check this post out...a bit too much of a BatGirl rip off, but nonetheless funny

Picture Pages-Chicago White Sox

noreply@blogger.com (Hops) — Tue, 10 Jun 2008 14:38:00 +0000

When I was fifteen, I had a summer job labeling files in the basement office of a temp agency. My mother worked upstairs as the office manager, and, because I was a family member, I was allowed to work forty hours a week. In the basement. For the summer. Labeling files.

It was exactly as thrilling as it sounds.

Other than the Spicy Bird sandwich I purchased nearly every day from the nearby deli, my strongest memory was of listening to the classic rock station, KQRS. Looking back, I assume it was the only station everyone could agree on (there were five of us of varying ages), and so we listened to it all day. Every day.

And what I really remember is listening to the same songs over and over again. I started to wonder why they even needed d.j.’s. C.C.R., B.T.O., Skynyrd, and whoever sings that song that goes “…While the rest of them dudes wasn’t getin’ their kicks, boy I beg your pardon I was getin’ mine!”

It wasn’t that the songs were terrible (some of them were), but you could pretty much set your watch by what songs were being played. Filing. Slow Ride. Monotony.

I was reminded of this on Sunday night when I turned on the radio at home and while tuning down to 89.3 (I’m in my thirties, I’m required to listen to The Current. I also wear funny, nostalgic tee-shirts that have little personal meaning) I came across “You Ain’t Seen Nothing Yet” on KQRS. Huh. I haven’t listened to KQ for awhile…let’s leave it and see what we get. Can you guess the next three songs? I bet you’d be close. Take a minute.

“Peaceful, Easy Feeling” The Eagles
“That Smell” Lynyrd Skynyrd
“I’m Your Captain” Grand Funk Railroad

I’m willing to bet you got two of three. At least the bands, if not the songs.

It was a decent set, I don't have any problems those songs. But if I listened every day for the next month, I bet I’d hear those songs A LOT. So much, I might be tempted to file something.

I don’t mean to bash KQ. I assume most radio stations have a pretty stale playlist. Even my beloved 89.3 gets stuck in its own rut sometimes. (Note to The Current…I get it, Steve Earle’s son has a new song. It’s good and it’s about his relationship with his dad. No really, I get it)

Unfortunately for me, this sonic monotony was not limited to the FM dial this weekend. I didn’t dedicate much time to listening to the Twins, but every time I tuned in, the White Sox had forty seven runs and the Twins had one. Thanks to the Twins pitching staff, I got A LOT done around the house this weekend.

Friday:
White Sox 10 Twins 6

Saturday:
White Sox 11 Twins 2

Sunday:

White Sox 12 Twins 2

Monday

White Sox 7 Twins 5

Picture Pages-Baltimore Orioles (not really)

noreply@blogger.com (Hops) — Fri, 06 Jun 2008 13:37:00 +0000

What. A. Boring. Series. Losing two of three at home to B-more is unworthy of a Picture Pages recap (and i was READY to put together an amazing, Wire-themed version). See if you can find the common thread;
Tuesday:
Baltimore 5 Twins 3
Twins leave 7 runners on base...lose

Wednesday:
Twins 7 Baltimore 5
Twins leave 3 runners on base...win

Thursday:
Baltimore 3 Twins 2
Twins leave 9 runners on base...lose

Picture Pages-Twins First Round Draft Picks

1: (14th overall)
Aaron Hicks

A 5 tool prospect out of Los Angeles. Actual Los Angeles, I think. Not Los Angeles of Anaheim, or Los Angeles of the Crystal Skull. A pitcher/outfielder in High School, the Twins plan on (apparently) lancing off the boil that is pitching and have young master Hicks concentrate on taking over for Michael Cuddyer in 2012. Sports Illustrated loved him before the rest of you...way back in 2007. Possible TWT nickname....The Hammer. Watch incredibly pointless scouting video here.

2: (27th overall)
Carlos Gutierrez

The closer for The U baseball team in 2008...he missed 2007 due to Tommy John surgery. So, he's gotten that out of the way. According to his bio, he didn't start playing organized baseball until his senior year of High School. The internets claim that the Twins drafted this guy way too high. I say "phooey". As we've learned in MN, if you get a chance to bring in an athlete from the University of Miami...you do it. Possible TWT nickname...The Secretary. Watch incredibly pointless scouting video here.

3: (31st overall)

Steven "Shooter" Hunt

His bio was way too long for me to actually read...here, you do it. I did catch that his father, Mickey (it's really Mike, isn't it?), named him after Dennis Hopper's character in Hoosiers. For those that don't remember the movie, Dennis Hopper's character is the town drunk. Thanks, Dad! (Fine...he redeems himself in the end. Blah, blah, blah) His brothers are named T.J. (after Rick Schroeder's character in The Champ) and K.C. (after Holly Robinson-Peete's character in Howard The Duck). Possible TWT nickname...Ollie. Watch incredibly pointless scouting video here.

From the Bureau of W.T.F.

noreply@blogger.com (Hops) — Thu, 05 Jun 2008 14:53:00 +0000

The Jesus gets 2 R'sBI on a sac fly to center. Sure, the guy fell down...but that second runner doesn't even get waved home if it's not C-Button. Watch it here.

The conspiracy continues...Major League Baseball REFUSES to post video of either of Joe Mauer's home runs this week. See...I'm not the only hater.

Instead...let's learn about HOW Joe Mauer became, well, Joe Mauer:

Finally, for those with terrible, soul-sucking, meaningless jobs, follow today's MLB draft here.

Update:

Here's Mauer's home run

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Sloppy Seconds

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Kaiser:
Speaking of soul-sucking jobs, or at least REALLY slow days at a tolerable one, how about a semi-live blog for today's get-away game to get through the afternoon? I'll give you a topic: where does the term "rubber game" come from? If I was playing Balderdash, I would guess that it was from the contraception industry, indicating that the term rubber is roughly equivalent to "life-changing" in popular parlance among baseball- and mating-inclined individuals. Thoughts?

Kaiser:
Hello? Hello?

My sources (Hops) tell me Hops is ACTUALLY working this afternoon and therefore unable to participate. Weird. Guess I will hijack my own semi-live blog...

Kaiser:
Mike Redmond doing his best Joe Mauer impression....don't worry no sideburns jokes coming...I just meant by hitting third in the lineup and catching and whatnot. Twins lead 1-0 after the double scores Alexi Casilla-ingEyeSingle.

Kaiser:
Nick Mar-rake-us ensures Baker won't make it past the 4th inning (pitch-count-wise) with a prolonged at-bat ending in a 2-run shot to left. Not funny. Do I hear tune-up music from Brian "Stand up" Bass?

Kaiser:
Wow, I sit corrected. Baker ends up throwing 90-something pitches, which I guess is okay because his sore groin (ding!) didn't actually throw any of the pitches.

Kaiser:
Don't look now, but Alexi is hitting .353 overall after his third straight hit today. Okay now look. Twins tie it up at 2.

Kaiser:
Aw crap. Baltimore's version of C Button, Adam Jones (A Button, I suppose), puts the O's ahead by hitting the ball over the blue fence thingy on the edge of the outfield. Apparently that is known as a home run, but they're on the road, so you figure it out.

Kaiser:
Justin Morneau starts a nifty 3-6-3 double play to stop the bleeding. SURE. Hustle and get back to the bag NOW when I'm no longer playing Twingo and need the 3-6-3 and a 2-U for a family dinner at Applebees prize pack.

Kaiser:
Twins make their first-round selection in the baseball draft. I'm sure there will be numerous strong opinions on whether this selection was "good" or "not good" coming out soon for you to reference. For us at TWT, we prefer writing intentional fiction, so we will not be commenting. And obviously, we need to wait for those opinions to come out to do our standard ridiculing.

Kaiser:
Baby Jesus in to pinch hit with two on and two out in the eighth. There will be no video of a home run for this at bat either. Not sure the internet is to blame this time.

Kaiser:
Suck

Picture Pages-New York Yankees

noreply@blogger.com (Hops) — Tue, 03 Jun 2008 17:47:00 +0000

Friday:

Yankees 6 Twins 5

Hey! The Yankees are in town! That means fans have traveled from as far away as North Dakota for these games. Did we hand out pamphlets at the border explaining that Camp Snoopy is now Nickelodeon Universe? Don't panic, tourists...Dora is just a bilingual version of Lucy.

Oh...the Twins lost. Glen Perkins was handed an early lead, but couldn't hold on. Blamed the umpire and the bucket of green slime that fell on his head every time he said "i don't know".

Saturday:

Yankees 7 Twins 6 (12 innings)

Twins hampered by Yankees calling "No Ghosties"...manage to leave the entire population of Delano on base. Karma hates Mike Lamb, stops his "game winning" home run in the 10th. Lamb vows to stop kicking puppies

Sunday:

Twins 5 Yankees 1

Nick Blackburn puts his nose (and lips) in Bobby Abreu's bidness...pays price. No broken bones, no concussion...vows to make his next start. Fine...but rememeber, only eight lives left. Cuddyer continues to heat-up...finally.

Monday:

Twins 6 Yankees 5

Finally...stuff happens! No offense to Nick Blackburn's face but the first three games were competitive, but dull. Not this game. Witness:

The Jesus shaves (first timer?)...and hits his first home run of the season.
Delmon Young gets three hits...receives multiple bases EACH TIME.
Cuddyer continues his mini-streak...confounds Mr. Burns with his sideburns.
Ron Gardenhire pinch hits for his DH...with NICK PUNTO...to BUNT...and it WORKS.

Picture Pages-Kansas City Royals

noreply@blogger.com (Hops) — Fri, 30 May 2008 15:54:00 +0000

Tuesday:
Twins 4 Kansas City 3

Quick...name the last time you saw a game tied in the bottom of the ninth by a 3-run inside-the-park home run? Tuesday night? Me too! Gardy throws Nick Blackburn a pity party, but the Twins screw it up and win anyway

Wednesday:
Twins 9 Kansas City 8

No mercy! Twins come back to win in extras after trailing 8-3 to start the 9th. The real M+M boys (Monroe and Morneau) get that feeling and hit game tying and game winning home runs. Then invite distraught female Royals fans back to the hotel for some sexual healing.

Thursday:

Twins 5 Kansas City 1

Kevin Slowey just misses first career shut-out...receives hugs and kisses from the Twins bullpen for going the distance anyway. C-Button and Casilla (nickname committee?) continue to confound Gardy by being really good.

And a quick reminder for the team going into this weekend's series against the MFY's. Yankees suck! (And this time it's not just a hollow chant from the fans)

Don't feel sorry for them, they have a nicer stadium

noreply@blogger.com (Hops) — Thu, 29 May 2008 15:54:00 +0000

From Article 3, Subsection 2.4 of The Craig Monroe Doctrine

"AL Central dominance is not to be considered, under any circumstances, by the Kansas City Royals"

Phew!

My favorite part of last night's THRILLING comeback victory over the (sigh) Kansas City Royals was actually not the part where President Monroe treated Joel Peralta like the declining Spanish Empire...although the resulting "whooping" was a fun way to wake up the rest of my house (wife and dog).

No, what I ended up remembering most today is the post-game interview between Dan Gladden and our new favorite pinch hitter.

Like many who enjoy the internets and have time to kill at work, I read Bill Simmons. It would seem I rarely think much of what he has to say, but I read everything he writes...so that's something. I really enjoy it when he exchanges emails (now podcasts...not as interesting) with writers such as Malcolm Gladwell and Chuck Klosterman...fellows who can move in and out of the sports world with a much greater sense of ease and self. Inevitably, those exchanges expose Mr. Simmons inferiority as a writer and thinker.

I mention this not to bash the Sports Guy. I look forward to the day when he leaves ESPN and gets back to being funny (aided greatly by the decline of the Red Sox and Patriots, I hope).

No I mention this because last night I listened to Craig Monroe speak eloquently about his big at-bat, his excitement over pre-game work playing out during the game, his difficulties adjusting to life as a part-time player, and his willingness to embrace the role. It was thorough and thoughtful. And it made the interviewer, Dan Gladden, sound like a mutt. Thankfully, Craig seemed to be responding to what Gladden should have been asking, and not what was actually coming out of his mouth. I think "Dazzle" may be a great guy to sit down with and have a beer, but his ability to elocute what's happening on the field has not developed much over the (three?) years he's been broadcasting. He still sinks his teeth into mundane topics for multiple innings, he still gets too excited during a big play to accurately describe what's going on, and he still forgets to structure his sentences with a beginning and an end...all at the expense of describing the play. I'm too young to say that I "miss" a more simplistic approach to broadcasting...but I'd welcome it.

Fun game. Let's have more of them.

(Delmon gets a day off today, right? C'mon, give the kid a seat on the bench and help him get his head straight)

Picture Pages-Detroit Tigers

noreply@blogger.com (Hops) — Tue, 27 May 2008 18:37:00 +0000

Friday:

Twins 9 Tigers 4

Mike Lamb EXPLODES (not literally)! In light of his former teammate's new nickname...I'm going to annoint him The Big Tabby until further notice. Kevin Slowey earns partial credit for the win, but no nickname.

Saturday:

Tigers 19 Twins 3

Uh-oh, Juan Rincon. Looks like there's going to be some competition for "Pitcher we least want to see come out of the bullpen" soon. Damn, Boof...you suck.

Sunday:

Twins 6 Tigers 1

Jason Kubel goes Good Salami. Howard has ideas for the outfield. Something has to be done about Cuddyer...even if it's simply dropping him down in the order. How about this ridiculous line-up suggestion:

Mauer

Gomez

Morneau

Kubel

Harris (starting shortstop)

Young

Cuddyer

Lamb

Casilla (or Punto)

(2 of 3 on the road in Detroit is a good thing)

Picture Pages-Texas Rangers

noreply@blogger.com (Hops) — Fri, 23 May 2008 14:46:00 +0000

Monday:

Twins 7 Texas 6

Tank da lord for the Twins' minor league depth. Hot prospects Bobby Korecky and Howie Clark save the game with their arms, bats, and ridiculous, child-like first names.

Tuesday:

Twins 11 Texas 4

Home Runs? No thank-you. You may worry that Ozzie Guillen will run out of small, ferocious animals to describe the Twins' offense...but you forget that he hasn't even gotten to fizzgig yet. Kaiser is working on a "Chicks Dig Station to Station Baseball" tee-shirt.

Wednesday:

Texas 10 Twins 1

With the untimely death of Andruw Jones, the title of "Best Player Eligible to Play for The Netherlands National Baseball Team" is between Jair Jurrgens and that guy, huh? Is it me, or should we probably not lose to that guy? Fuck it, I'm going for a smoke and a pancake.

Thursday:

Texas 8 Twins 7

Ladies...better take your swings now. The stud fee for Josh Hamilton is about to go up.

I Like Joe

noreply@blogger.com (Kaiser) — Thu, 22 May 2008 14:20:00 +0000

One of the first times I've wholeheartedly agreed with extreme head-nodding to something Gleeman has said:

After collecting multiple hits in each of the past three games, Joe Mauer now leads the AL with a .336 batting average. He also ranks fourth in the league with a .406 on-base percentage and only Kurt Suzuki has logged more innings behind the plate. For all the silly, Dan Barreiro-style talk about Mauer not coming through in the clutch or not making a huge impact because of a lack of power, Mauer ranks third among AL hitters in Win Probability Added, trailing only and Manny RamirezJosh Hamilton.

Once you adjust for catcher being the worst-hitting position in baseball and throw in his considerable defensive value, a WPA-based analysis likely shows Mauer as the league's most valuable position player thus far. Some homers would certainly be nice, but anyone complaining about a player hitting .330 and getting on base at a .400 clip while playing the most physically demanding, least-offensive position is merely doing a fine job showing how little they really know about baseball.

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Kaiser:
Hops, apparently you don't know anything about baseball.
Gleeman's impeccable logic has left you comment-less.

Hops:
Yes, it's true...I have, from time to time, been a bit demanding of Baby Jesus. But I don't believe I've voiced displeasure during his latest singles spree, have I? I do belive, and have been consistent on this, that he is hitting in the wrong spot in the order. His style seems better suited to a #1 or #2 hitter in the order. I am happy that the "his power will come" talk has died down. But if he continues to bat third, I expect more run production out of him. And, before someone shoves the on-base percentage of the Twins 8,9,1, and 2 hitter down my throat, occasionally that means creating runs with little or no help from the other guys dressed like you.

Kaiser:
Don't hate the Jesus (or fuck with him), hate the Game. "Game" in this instance will be represented by Ron Gardenhire and his line-up sheet. Speaking of "his power will come", Delmon just hit into a double play ball with two on ... after The Ensorceller's +2 fire spells were apparently failing as he gave up 4 runs in the first to the 3rd level mage's from Texas. I think he should conjur +4 Legendary Liriano Slider in the second.

Hops:
It doesn't help that he's the most boring human on the planet. Really. Anti-Mauer just drove in two runs...waking up John Gordon.

Hops:
If C-Button is the most interesting player on the roster...who's the least? Delmon's got to be on that list, right?

Kaiser:
I would say Delmon's a solid 1A, only possibly behind Mr. Lamb, who is way more out like one (lamb, that is) than in like a lion. Mr. March (backasswardsly).

Big day for C Button today, btw. And Morneau with a huge 2 RBI single to tie it at 7s. THAT's how a clean-up hitter should....er...clean up.

Smitty:
C Button did have a huge game. Can someone explain why Nathan can't go two innings, especially when it's their 1-2-3 guys so this year's MVP (Hamilton) doesn't hit a game winning, two out HR against use? Doesnt' Gardy look at Hamilton's stats everyday to see that he truely is the re-incarnation of Roy Hobbs?

I've hears Lamb on the radio a couple times and he's a pretty funny dude. Definately would vote for Delmon as the most boring Twin. Not sure if you saw the Telly/Delmon interview around the beginning of the season. Seemed fake or scripted it was so bad. Couldn't pull myself away from the car wreck.

Picture Pages--Colorado Rockies

noreply@blogger.com (Hops) — Mon, 19 May 2008 14:58:00 +0000

In honor of the third/fourth place tie with the Kansas City Royals, today's Picture Pages will be entirely BBQ-based.

Friday:

Twins 4 Colorado 2

For many people, BBQ begins and ends with ribs. They are "the usual". They offer security and safety and, generally, are a sure thing. Strong pitching performance, weak hitting, and the opposing team's star player is out with an injury. This was a BBQ rib game for the Twins.

Saturday:

Colorado 3 Twins 2

Ahh...the Corn Muffin. Capable of single-handedly complimenting a BBQ plate. Sure, there's slaw and beans and (dully) french fries. But none can quite hold their own the way a good Corn Muffin can. However, if the meat is dry and the rub too salty...the Corn Muffin doesn't matter. Livan ensorcells the hitters, fields his position, and sac bunts a run across. Twins lose. Livan, you are my Corn Muffin.

Sunday:

Colorado 6 Twins 2

The Combo Platter. A little bit of everything...usually including at least one thing you won't like. (For me, it's the BBQ chicken. I don't care if you grilled it on hickory smoke, and served it with your grandmother's special secret sauce...it's still chicken). For the Twins, the Combo Platter represents how they've managed to be both old and slow, and young and inexperienced. Enjoy that!

Picture Pages - Toronto Blue Jays

noreply@blogger.com (Kaiser) — Thu, 15 May 2008 17:01:00 +0000

Wednesday
Twins 3, Jays 5 ....Matt Stairs kills the Twins AGAIN just after Scott Rolen tuckers out our toddling little Brad-Radke-in-training Kevin Slowey with a 15 pitch at bat in the 6th. Actually, Slowey pitched okay but the Twins decided they had scored way too many runs against the Red Sox the prior 4 games and decided to take it down a bit so as not to raise suspicion and expectations. In the business, we call it a "let down".

Thursday
Twins 5, Canucks (minus Morneau -- he's OURS) 3 ....Matt Stairs kills the Twins AGAIN, but this time gets it out of the way early (more bad salami). Jesse Crain continues to have control problems, this time by hitting a (wide open, mind you) Ron Gardenhire in the dugout. Gardy does his best TK impression by characterizing the play as "not good" during post-game interviews, all in a very deadpan TK Way...and probably swearing a lot (which is also a TK Way thing). Did you blink while the Twinks were in first place?

Friday
Twins 2, BJs (hee hee) 3 ....Matt Stairs not allowed to play until the 10th, thereby giving the Twins a slim chance of victory (thanks BJs manager! I didn't catch your name). Unfortunately, Twins leave 11 runners on base and Twins fans call for the instatement of ghost runners so that the situation isn't so mentally taxing and we can pretend like they're not there. Twins regulars send a "We're Sorry" card from Target to Glen Perkins.

Also, a tidbit. I saw this in one of the box scores from the series (click to enlarge -- see arrows).

I guess I didn't realize that this was legal in major league baseball (WARNING: Cheap shots ahead!!) Tell me again why we need to bring in Brendan Harris to strike out for Mike Lamb, and Craig Monroe to fly out for Alexi Casilla? They're big leaguers now! They can do it themselves!

Picture Pages-Boston Red Sox

noreply@blogger.com (Hops) — Tue, 13 May 2008 16:50:00 +0000

Hallmark presents a very special, musical edition of Picture Pages.

Friday:
Twins 7 BoSox 6

If they hate, then let 'em hate, Mike Lamb. You got to shine.

Saturday:
BoSox 5 Twins 2

Terrible game. Terrible song. I really think so.

Sunday:
Twins 9 BoSox 8

Craig Monroe, shine your light on the world. (Or at least those with ESPN)

Monday:
Twins 7 BoSox 3

Steve Perry, you magnificent bastard, sing the song. Sing our song.

Picture Pages-Chicago White Sox

noreply@blogger.com (Hops) — Fri, 09 May 2008 14:33:00 +0000

Tuesday:

Chicago 7 Twins 1

One of these guys has many hits. One of them is incapable of giving them up. Both are inexplicable. Joe Mauer manages only one lousy hit, but, when we grade on a curve, had a fantastic game.

Wednesday:

Twins 13 Chicago 1

We may be biased toward center fielders at this site, but, in the words of the great Trent Tucker...If you do not love Carlos Gomez, than you do not love yourself. C-Button hits for the cycle. Bizarro Nick Punto has 5 R'sBI. And the Ensorceller continues his tour of the American League to great fanfare. Good on you, boys.

Thursday:

White Sox 6 Twins 2

Was anyone else feeling really good about this week, only to look up and realize that the Twins dropped 2 of 3 to the Sox? The C-Button hangover lingers...apparently. Buckle-up, Twins fans. It's going to be that kind of season.

Flood Watch...still High and Dry and in first place by one game over Chicago.

"a single complete execution of a periodically repeated phenomenon"

noreply@blogger.com (Kaiser) — Thu, 08 May 2008 14:10:00 +0000

"I didn't have in my mind, 'No, no, stay on second and go for the cycle,'" Gomez said. "I say, 'No, I go for third.'"

Keep mashing on that C-Button buddy...we love ya.

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Hops:
I want to be clear about one thing...it does not go against baseball's unwritten "rules" for C-Button to bunt for a base hit either to break-up a no hitter or to complete the cycle. He bunts for base hits...that's what he does. Fuck you if you can't get him out. It's not the same thing as Justin Morneau dropping down a bunt 'cuz the 3rd baseman is playing back. That's not what he does. Carlos Gomez can bunt for a basehit any damn time he wants. He shits lightning for christ sake.

Hops:
For those without cable or who were attending baby class last night (or both!)...here's The Cycle:

Kaiser:
Agreed about the bunt. It definitely does not go against the rules of TW(o)T at the very least. Gomez did admit that he didn't want to bunt, however. Infield single on a chopper though...what's the freaking difference?

Kaiser:
Oh, by the way...Livan had a complete (almost shutout) game.

Hops:
Other random wonderfulness:

Not only a complete game, but also fielded his position, dare I say, spectacularly.

LNP with 5 R'sBI! Great game, Nicky. (Although it did spawn a ridiculous quote from SUlger about him being "too good" to be a role player...right.)

The bullpen is well rested for Slowey's return and Perkins' start on Saturday. Thank-you, Ensorceller.

Kaiser:
The Ensorceller...I like it. A lot. Much better than "Big Cat" as Bert "I Fucked it up let's do it again" Blyeleven calls him.

Would SUlger call us at TW(o)T "too good" to be just ordinary bloggers or have only 5 regular readers? Not sure if I'm ripping us or not there.

Kaiser:
Digression: it is somehow fitting that C Button accomplished his amazing cyclical feat...backwards. Not to mention that he SPRINTED around the bases after the lead-off homerun as if he had a donut tied to his ass and Sidney Ponson was chasing him.

Hops:
I don't know why it would be "fitting"...but it's interesting how some of these sports achievments have order forced upon them. (Such as a "natural" hat trick.) As if somehow it's more important that Gomez get a single first.

C-Button has five tools...one of them is the ability to avoid Sidney Ponson no matter the situation. One is he shits lightning. Another is he can swing a bat so hard it will power a small village for fifteen hours. He can also hold is breath underwater for six days. His last tool is an awl.