TurboAwesome.com

RoAWHH: Steve Warren

noreply@blogger.com (Diz) — Sun, 27 Mar 2011 02:57:00 +0000

D: (Shaking head. In disbelief.)
B: This guy is ASTONISHED at mirror technology. “How the fuck did they DO that?”
D: Apparently he’s incomparable. That’s not necessarily a good thing. Hitler’s incomparable. I just Godwinned the album covers.
B: Who puts an adjective in front of his or her name outside of The Uncanny X-Men, The Incredible Hulk, and The Spectacular Spider-Man? Is this Stan Lee Presents Steve Warren? What’s his super power?
D: Perm. Perm on demand. Who are the Masters Five?
B: No, that’s the Masters V.
D: No, it’s got the lines on it, so it’s five.
B: I have no idea what you’re talking about. All of them have this same font.
D: You find it right next to Wingdings. It’s called GO FUCK YOURSELF.
B: It’s called TALENT.
D: “HOW DID I GET IN THERE? HOW DO I GET ME OUT?”
B: “You’ve gotta smash it, Steve.”
D: SMASH STEVE SMASH.
B: His perm breaks the window. Or his prehensile tail.
D: He’s got the same shirt on as the last guy. Christ.
B: I like how this is still shrink-wrapped. Like somebody bought it and refused to open it. “I got that new Steve Warren.” “You open it?” “No!”
D: “It’ll be worth something someday!”
B: “It’ll be a collector’s item.” Advice to upcoming artists: Don’t wear pleather on your album cover. If you’re serious about your craft, kill a fucking cow.
D: Meat is murder.
B: Yeah, this is just the skin though.

Listening to Beastie Boys

noreply@blogger.com (Scraps) — Sun, 06 Mar 2011 21:13:00 +0000

I've still been listening but I need to listen to one album a few times then write an article. I don't want to short change the album or the article and trying to listen to them and write about them meaningfully is causing scheduling conflicts. I have much to say about Hello Nasty and I don't want to listen to the next album yet or else they will blend together and blah blah

In other words shut up and wait

Ill Communication

noreply@blogger.com (Scraps) — Tue, 01 Mar 2011 18:46:00 +0000

Tuesday I listened to Ill Communication.

Beastie Boys - Ill Communication

Summary

It was more enjoyable than Paul's Boutique consistently through the entire album. Maybe I'm just getting used to hearing BB rap but I feel like they made sure what they were saying was slightly more clear and I could understand more words. There was better variety of sounds and moods, better clarity to the lyrics and larger focus on melodies or at least more musical samples.

Ill Communication is a focused more on music. They have a few songs that are just completely instrumentals which was different.

This album opens with Sure Shot which is far and away the best song on the album. It rocks, is fun, just a well done good song.

Root Down is pretty good.

Listen All Y'all This Is Sabotage

I have a big problem is Sabotage. It felt massively overproduced. It reminded me of the video which was played every day and the song played every day on KROCK or Z100 or whichever was the rock station of the time reminded me of the video again and everyone and their mother talked about this song forever.

Sabotage is different from most Beastie Boys songs. I feel they wanted to make this song a hit single no matter what and so added/removed a lot of defining elements of the Beastie Boys to get there.

1) There is only one voice singing the song. Most songs are all three Beastie Boys finishing each other's sentences or all three yelling out the final rhyming word from each line at the same time. Either way it's fucking ridiculous but Beastie Boys style nonetheless.

2) It has a guitar riff leading the entire song which felt like was designed to be appealing for commercial radio play.

3) It repeats quickly and twice and overall pretty boring unless you just go fucking crazy for a nice guitar riff.

4) It felt like "We need to make a song that is simpler to understand (one singer, clearly spoken/sung lyrics, less distortion in the vocals) and easier to enjoy (more standard guitar, bass, drum configuration) to reach a wider audience so the album will sell". The rest of the album is on average, decent.

Conclusion:
I still don't think I can listen to any Beastie Boys songs so far as part of my regular rotation of music.

Beastie Boys Week February 28 - March 4th

noreply@blogger.com (Scraps) — Mon, 28 Feb 2011 23:49:00 +0000

I have declared this week as Beastie Boys week. I never really listened much to Beastie Boys intentionally but I've liked most of their work that has reached my ears (radio play, parties) so this week I'm digging in and giving them a solid shot. I'm listening to one album per day, at least once through. Then I'll come to TurboAwesome to tell you about it.

I started with Paul's Boutique because I remembered Owen saying once that it was the best BB album. I have no idea if he really said this because I don't give a shit.

Beastie Boys - Paul's Boutique

Listening to this album made me really want to fire it up in Google and Wikipedia to see if I correctly recognized any of the samples. It also made me finally realize what it was about the Beastie Boys that is always liked/hated.

What I hate is their voices. I think they are funny, like a novelty, but ultimately completely fucking irritating over any extended period of time. The kind of annoying that you sort of need to turn down the volume any time you want to remember the directions you tried to memorize to get to Trader Joe's because you cannot function with Mike D trying to pick up a lady because you are so fucking annoyed.

What I like is the lyrics, the hooks, the samples, the attitudes. Maybe this is a fucking no brainer but here it is, I brained it anyway.

Also I think they are completely overrated almost immediately. Every song is 3 assholes whining for bitches or whiteboy thuggery with samples. I don't know if Mike D is actually the brother of Saved By The Bell's Screech but to be fucking honestly all three of the Boys have earned the title in both the group and individual competitions.

Maybe this material is just too dated to be interesting for me, I don't know. I know there's plenty of waky music I like that people give me shit for, but it usually has an interesting beat or melody, which is rare on this album. If I can't understand or don't appreciate the lyrics in a particular song on Paul's Boutique I find no other redeeming qualities to justify not skipping to the next track. About half the tracks feel this way.

I think the only reason I am stating I like it is Peer Pressure. I feel like 10 of my friends will instantly bitch me out for hating on BB. But this shit is Just Not So Good.

Ok they just rhymed Harry S Truman with Alfred E Newman and took a few measures off to really let let it sink in how awesome of a rhyme that was.

In Conclusion I like the album but I don't want to listen to it ever again.

RoAWHH: Love and Peace

noreply@blogger.com (Diz) — Wed, 23 Feb 2011 14:32:00 +0000

B: For Go’s sake, stop drawing your album covers by hand.
D: This is why war still happens. If war hadn’t happened, this album would have started war.
B: And hate.
D: Yeah.
B: I like how they forgot to put “Lots of” until the end. There are eight people in the group, one lady -- she must be Julcia -- and the others are boys. It’s like Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs if Snow White can’t be held responsible for her actions and each and every one of the dwarfs looks lecherous.
D: So in other words, Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.
B: Isn’t it dwarves?
D: No.
B: I like the guy who looks like Stephen Merchant with a moustache. He’s all extra-tall and in the back. GET IN THE BACK LANKY. I also think there’s something with the way they’re dressed. The guy with the black vest is all close to Julcia who’s also wearing a black vest.
D: So the rest of them are fucking?
B: It’s accordion guy’s turn to get gang-banged. (sad accordion noise). I want to know what instruments the two guys in the back play. The one who looks like Auric Goldfinger (from the film of the same name) and the one who looks like Bitter Bobby Kennedy.
D: You’d be bitter too if you got shot in the head.
B: These guys play the skinflute. Both of them.
D: Well, there’s a reason they’re so peaceful.
B: Maybe Mubarak should’ve played the skinflute.
D: TOPICAL!
B: Next cover.

RoAWHH: Ken, By Request Only

noreply@blogger.com (Diz) — Thu, 17 Feb 2011 13:45:00 +0000

D: Well, at least he learned he shouldn’t perform unless explicitly asked.
B: How many times has he heard “Hey, Ken, nobody asked you to sing buddy”?
D: More than he can count.
B: He’s not at a bar. How is he gonna take requests? Was he just in a studio? Waiting for people to be like “Ken, show us your butt-chin. Also, sing us a song.”
D: I know we’ve gone over this before. But really: what was wrong with the seventies and their clothing? What were they thinking?
B: Honestly, I think this is another example where people were really impressed with the technology. “We can superimpose a guy next to his own head. We can see the whole leisure-suit action AND really get up in that butt-chin.” Fuckin’ Ken.
D: This is just ridiculous. They shouldn’t be worried about head injuries in the NFL. Just give everybody Ken’s hair and they’ll be fine.
B: I’m just trying to imagine what Ken sounds like singing.
D: (demonstrates)
B: Yeah. Like some sort of bird in pain. Like a condor. Real throaty.
D: Fuckin’ Ken.

RoAWHH: Free Indeed by Rick McKnight

noreply@blogger.com (Diz) — Tue, 15 Feb 2011 14:43:00 +0000

B: OK, immediately what comes to mind is: this guy was on trial for fucking some 14 year old boy in the high school where he works, and he just got out of court, and he’s dancing like Michael Jackson after acquittal. ‘Cause he clearly has some legal briefs in his right hand. Evidence. DNA tests. Spooj-covered vest.
D: I’m still impressed that I spelled “acquittal” right on the first try. Don’t get the “cq” action much. Also: is he looking down on himself from heaven?
B: What is Sky-Rick saying to Ground-Rick?
D: They’re both Sky-Rick.
B: One is Ethereal-Rick.
D: Lower-Sky-Rick longs to be Higher-Sky-Rick. He has his class read Jonathan Livingston Seagull every day.
B: And then take their shirts off.
D: “I don’t see what this has to do with algebra.”
B: “F!”
D: “You get an F! Go to the principal! GO!”
B: “Tell her you’re a frigid bitch.”
D: “The rest of you... we’re gonna learn how to solve for x.”
B: “Where “x” equals “my dick”. Oops. Gave you the answer. (pause) No, seriously, solve it."

RoAWHH: Space Escapade by Les Baxter

noreply@blogger.com (Diz) — Mon, 14 Feb 2011 14:13:00 +0000

B: Les Baxter has landed on the planet of hot chicks in a cock-shaped rocket.
D: What is he holding?
B: A space cocktail? He’s like a dollar store Captain Kirk. Fuck Les.
D: I don’t understand what evolutionary advantage having a spring coming out of your head would offer.
B: Obviously you’ve never gotten head from an alien. Upside down.
D: On their world, people are yellow and pink.
B: Racist. Is that all you see? Color?
D: But the astronauts are white, and that’s how it should be.
B: I like that this is from the time when color of any kind impressed people. “Oh, shit! Green! The future is now!” Like how 3D movies are now.
D: They’re not gonna get any, ‘cause they can’t take off their suits.
B: Les is gonna go to his man there and say, “Unzip me. Unzip my one-piece so I can fuck these colorful bitches.”
D: “Uh, Les, this atmosphere isn’t breathable. If I unzip you, you’ll die a horrible death.”
B: “I don’t give a fuck. This bitch is GREEEEEEN!”
D: They also can’t drink that. HOW ARE THEY GONNA DRINK THAT? THEY HAVE HELMETS ON!
B: “A toast!” SMASH. Like the alien girls are fooled.
D: I hate this one. I hate this one.
B: In space, no one can hear you fuck.

RoAWHH: Happy Again by Merrill Womach

noreply@blogger.com (Diz) — Sat, 12 Feb 2011 23:54:00 +0000

That's right. We're back. It's the time all (?) of you (?) have been waiting for: FINISHING THE REVIEWS OF TERRIBLE ALBUM COVERS!

Thirteen more to go. Or fourteen. Whatever. Check this out.

B: Jesus Christ. Is that really the next one we have?
D: We picked an auspicious place to re-begin. It really needed a two year break.
B: Just to prepare me mentally for this. This motherfucker looks like Chiklis as The Thing wearing a wig. Is that poison ivy, or a fire that did that to him?
D: Oh, man. Oh, man. Why?
B: Why is it like a movie... film?
D: A movie-film? I don’t know, but I don’t want to see the next frame. Or any of the preceding ones. Or these two.
B: Is he wearing a headband there? Looks like a chinstrap. To keep his fucking wig on, ‘cause he’s The Thing.
D: Why was he happy the first time, and why is he happy now?
B: He’s happy ‘cause it doesn’t itch anymore.
D: What doesn’t?
B: Merrill Womach. That’s what. I’m good with moving on, ‘cause my face is starting to itch. I’m getting like psychosomatic burns from this.
D: He may have restorethed your soul, but he didn’t restoreth your face.
B: Ooh. Damn.

Happy Birthday Nick Cage

noreply@blogger.com (Notacommie) — Fri, 07 Jan 2011 21:57:00 +0000

Not to interrupt the flow or nothin'

noreply@blogger.com (Diz) — Wed, 05 Jan 2011 16:46:00 +0000

But did anybody post this?

It's the Zombie Apocalypse Fantasy Draft!

Of course, I think only three people still check TurboAwesome.com, and they are all participants in the podcast, so I'm not sure why I'm doing this.

Uh-oh

noreply@blogger.com (Notacommie) — Wed, 05 Jan 2011 16:26:00 +0000

uh-oh

noreply@blogger.com (Black Donaghy) — Wed, 05 Jan 2011 02:28:00 +0000

UH-OH

noreply@blogger.com (Diz) — Wed, 05 Jan 2011 00:56:00 +0000

Uh-oh

noreply@blogger.com (Black Donaghy) — Wed, 05 Jan 2011 00:46:00 +0000

Uh-oh

noreply@blogger.com (Diz) — Tue, 04 Jan 2011 15:09:00 +0000

Uh-oh

noreply@blogger.com (Notacommie) — Tue, 04 Jan 2011 04:17:00 +0000

Uh-oh

noreply@blogger.com (Diz) — Tue, 04 Jan 2011 02:45:00 +0000

Uh-oh

noreply@blogger.com (Black Donaghy) — Tue, 04 Jan 2011 01:16:00 +0000

RoAWHH: The Best of the Singing Postman

noreply@blogger.com (Diz) — Fri, 02 Jul 2010 04:09:00 +0000

D: The Landlord’s Daughter!
B: I would expect the Singing Farmer to be sitting on bales of hay. Why isn’t he sitting on letters? Or brown-paper packages?
D: Or a machine gun. Hey-oh! Topical 1990s reference! Wait a second. I call bullshit. This is Ron Johnson.
B: The later days?
D: Yeah.
B: So he finally passed that civil service exam. Good for him.
D: We still can’t tell if he has eyes or not.
B: At least he’s got lids. And I see a brow.
D: Wait... is that the Hutchins Guitars Brian Jones Signature model?
B: It is. And it seems fitting that the guitar played by Brian Jones during his tenure with The Rolling Stones was shaped like a tear.
D: Are you referring to his alleged gang affiliations?
B: No: rather, to the tortured life he led.
D: Before or after his international fame?
B: Can’t it be both?
Both: [charmed laughter]

RoAWHH: Terry Riley?

noreply@blogger.com (Diz) — Fri, 02 Jul 2010 04:04:00 +0000

B: This is like in Superman, whenever he talked to his father, whenever Marlon Brando’s grill came up onscreen, didn’t he super-impose like this? Or is he God?
D: So he’s either Jor-El or God?
B: Which if you break down the symbolism, kinda works out.
D: Are you Brian Singer?
B: No.
D: Jesus never had a spit-curl.
B: And never had to lift anything.
D: Except the cross.
B: Come on. What did that thing weigh?
D: Let’s check Wikipedia.
B: “1 million sins.”
D: “The sins of the world.”
B: But what is that in pounds? Like forty? Fifty?
D: Can we get that in kilos?
B: The Czech Republic has changed you.
D: Kde?
B: Either way, that Kryptonite rock had to be heavier than that.
D: SPOILER!
B: It’s been two thousand years. I think they know he dies at the end.

Well, You're No Brad Garrett.

noreply@blogger.com (Diz) — Thu, 24 Jun 2010 14:15:00 +0000

Uh, guys? Read this.

Perhaps realizing that the role of Ally (Joy and Eddie's daughter) had been played by four actresses over the course of the series (including Krysten Ritter!) while the role of boyfriend/fiancee/husband Doug had been played by only Sharp, the series embarked on an astoundingly bizarre story arc: It had Doug realize he was a character in a sitcom whose wife kept getting recast, then sent him to psychotherapy to make peace with this fact.

And it get weirder.

On Busing. Er, Bussing. Busssing?

noreply@blogger.com (Diz) — Tue, 22 Jun 2010 04:49:00 +0000

From time to time, I make my way to our nation's fair Capital, Washington (A DISTRICT OF COLUMBIA!).

And one time I even went to the city of Boston (TAXACHUSETTS!), of which you probably already have an opinion.

I traveled to these cities by bus, which is a fine means of getting around, as it takes all the splendor of train travel and all the privacy of a regular car and throws them directly into the effing garbage and leaves you with whatever's left! One time I took the bus from New York to New Orleans and back. DO NOT DO THIS.

Now I had, until this weekend, taken Bolt Bus to visit these nearby cities. Friends, enemies, and Scraps, I'm here to tell you that Bolt Bus is the way to go. Cheap fares! Comfortable seats! Boarding groups! Electrical outlets at each seat! Free WiFi! This bus be good. To thine own bus be true. Fucking buses, son. Fucking BUSES.

This weekend, I had cause to go to Washington DC (just trying to make sure to visit the emergency room once in every American city. Everybody needs a goal.) Bolt Bus was HORROR OF HORRORS sold out at my chosen time of travel. Well, what about this MegaBus (no link. never a link. no fucking link.) of which I've heard? They seem similar to Bolt Bus what with their cheap fares and electrical outlets and WiFi and zOMG DOUBLE DECKER like when I was four years old in Hong Kong and those fucking Orientals/Limeys wouldn't let me into the science museum on account of youth. I learned science anyway, you jerks!

MegaBus? More like MegaSuck. Oh, there are some good things about MegaBus. They successfully got to me to Washington DC, albeit several hours late. They have reclining seats. Seats that recline right the fuck into your grill if you're sitting behind someone who chooses to recline. The ceilings are Hobbit-esque, which makes Hobbit-esque people (yours truly!) feel hella-tall. They have plugs, which suggest that they might at some point decide to allow those plugs to conduct electricity, and they have a WiFi signal which makes you think they may at some point provide WiFi! Grr. Grr!

And verily, it must be mentioned: they have the worst single boarding process of anything ever and I've ridden on Southwest Airlines on NUMEROUS occasions. No boarding groups. You arrive at 31st and 8th (fuck everything) and then at some undefined moment before your bus arrives several hours late one of the bored/laconic/legally-dead workers will whisper into the air that all people waiting for a particular bus should line up in a particular spot and then while you wait for your bus to arrive they'll move your line several times and then JESUS complaining on the Internet is boring. In summary: DON'T TAKE MEGABUS. Take Bolt Bus. Trust me. It's so so so so much more better.

Or take the Acela, bitches. Biden says so.

Which childhood appropriation is worse?

noreply@blogger.com (Black Donaghy) — Sun, 13 Jun 2010 00:17:00 +0000

Why are Bugs and the Tasmanian Devil dressed like Kriss Kross? How you going to give them fucking braids and earrings? Oh word? Is that what's up mid-nineties? This is how you make shit culturally relevant? I wish they would do this shit today and have fucking tweety bird dressed like Kanye West. Tweety would fit right in rocking some purple skinny jeans and white venetian sunglasses with his androgynous ass.

I'm sayin', man. How you think Bill Watterson feels about motherfuckers turning his wonderful creation into some shit people use to express how much they hate Pepsi or fucking Ford trucks or some shit? I want to make a decal to stick on the rear window of my Scion XD that just has a cartoon version of me smirking over my left shoulder as I shake out the last few drops of a post asparagus and apple juice bruch onto the grave of the motherfucker who came up with this shit. In reality, however, I can't be that mad, because I'm nearly positive that this whole movement originated with some Asian sweatshop trying to make Simpsons merchandise in like '92 and just getting the wrong reference in the pre-Google image era.

The Many Facial Expressions of Keanu Reeves

noreply@blogger.com (Diz) — Wed, 09 Jun 2010 22:29:00 +0000

Won't you please enjoy?