The Dallas CityArts Festival entertainment folks asked me to submit a Stage Plot for my set, anchoring the Exposition stage from 9-10 p.m. Friday, May 7 at Fair Park.

Had to look that up to find out a stage plot is a diagram of your band setup. Seemed pretty silly to draw a plot for just me and my guitar. But I made one anyway and dressed it up in Photoshop.

Oh, the show itself will suck. But my stage plot displays excellent initiative and an active mind!

Check the CityArts Festival Calendar for more details.

Fair Park is site of the 1936 Texas Centennial Exposition and host to the world’s largest collection of Art Deco exhibit buildings, art and sculpture, along with numerous museums and other attractions.

Free admission! Exposition Plaza is located on the west side of Fair Park between gates 3 and 4, near the Esplanade. Park outside, pay $12 to park inside or ride the DART Green Line.

Take the Map of Fair Park with you!

Related posts:

1. Catch me at the Deep Ellum Arts Festival!
2. See me perform Friday, May 2, at Mayfest!
3. This is the Artist’s Underground stage

Hey! Anybody plan to be in Austin this weekend to catch all the hot bands playing SXSW?

I’ll be there, too, playing an unaffiliated SXSW event.

Unaffiliated SXSW events are events not affiliated with SXSW, the big, big music party, but occurring at the same time as SXSW.

Are we clear? Good! Here are the details:

See me from 7:30-8 p.m. Saturday, March 20, at the Red River Art Party, 94 Red River Road at Willow Avenue in downtown Austin, just a couple of blocks from the convention center.

The production will take place on an outdoor stage at the studio of resident artist Mark Goad in the Lightning Flag and Banner building.

Big lineup

Some 17 bands will perform Saturday, including my Facebook pals Jenni Mansfield Peal and Loretta Woodrow Callens, and the location provides easy access to the rest of the action, affiliated and otherwise.

Admission is free, but donations, raffle items, a silent auction and art sales will benefit Mark’s friend Mimi, who suffers from Multiple Sclerosis.

Call (214) 434-9625 or (214) 738-4853 for more information.

See you there!

Related posts:

1. Me and Bill make the society page
2. Jammin’ with The Ugly Guys
3. It’s just like being held hostage

Podcast: Dalecast
Date: December 17, 2008
Title: Show Number 700
Download the show: Episode 700

Those of us who work tirelessly in music naturally feel great satisfaction when our years of struggle finally pay off with the recognition we so richly deserve.

And so it is with pride that I announce my cover of a Sinatra classic, (Jerry Lewis) Fly Me To The Moon, has cracked the Mevio Music Alley All-Time Comedy Top 10.

Thanks, Steve!

Other than myself, for my spastic vocal performance, I must thank Steve Wheatley of the almost-daily Dalecast for this fantastic honor. I’m now on the chart with a bunch of other stupid songs, more than one of whose titles include references to “boobs.”

Steve has played Fly Me To The Moon a total of 38 times, originally on Dalecast 158 in February 2008 and most recently last January on Dalecast 681.

Dalecast recently achieved a milestone of its own as well with Episode 700, for which I contributed a Jerry-inspired bumper.

“I find your show very moving,” I tell Steve before switching to my Jerry persona. “Because it makes me wanna plotz!“

In turn, Steve has acknowledged my contribution to his success. As of December 2009, almost 1,500 visitors selected the valuable links on turetzkysyndrome.com back to dalecast.co.uk, making this site Dalecast’s No. 2 outside referrer. Whatever that means.

Cheeky bugger!

I recommend not only Steve’s music show, but also his MySpace blog, where he delivers the news from Freaky Frosterley in a profane Northern England brogue.

Here’s a recent example from Dalecast 666 that I believe contained some sort of coded message to me:

Btw Kenneth, we will drop ya some tatties off when we have been to ASDA today… Maris Piper or King Edwards?? lol Cheeky Bugger!!! Will set the Freaks from Frosterley on ya mind!!

Steve also administers the streaming radio channel RealRadio1, featuring a lineup that now includes another UK podcast pal of mine, Dave Lee’s Bugcast.

But enough about all that. Episode 1,000 now looms on the horizon and we can’t spend the day on a history lesson. As Steve says on his blog (Dalecast 685):

Rightyo, time to pack me bucket and spade and a few egg n cress butties and off to the coast! Toodle Pip!!

Happy No. 700!  (0:23).

The one and only sound of Mr. Ken Turetzky  (4:59).

Related posts:

1. Dalecast: Powerplay payoff for Fly Me To The Moon
2. Dalecast: Top of the pops, Ma!
3. Dalecast: Jerry rides the wave to No. 1

Thank goodness Facebook has gotten so hot, because I’ve been on Twitter for months now — blogging for even longer — and I’m so bored with those stuffy old media.

I think Facebook is here to stay, though, so I’ve broken ground on a Band Fan Page. Fan Turetzky Syndrome to follow all the action.

I’ll be posting gig reports, images, audio and video and inviting comments — you know, pretty much the same crap I do here.

So, come on over. And for old time’s sake, follow me on Twitter at @kturet. If you’re really old and out of touch, friend me on MySpace at kenturetzky.

Related posts:

1. Twitter nets Turetzky Twestival nod
2. Disturbed: myTunes music critic raises ‘Turetzky Syndrome’ alert
3. An unaffiliated SXSW event

Podcast: Kahn Man’s Comedy Corner
Date: February 2, 2010
Title: Interview with Ken Turetzky!
Download the show: Episode 6-06

Tyrone Kahn (r) and subject

My pal Tyrone Kahn has a thing about profanity, at least where Kahn Man’s Comedy Corner is concerned, because he considers his monthly podcast to be family entertainment.

For example, Tyrone has created his own backwards version of the word shit, which he pronounces as yaish. Nobody’s the wiser, eh?

Farts are another story. On the phone, Tyrone farts frequently and without shame. “I can smell that one from here!” I tell him, while marshaling my forces for a return blast.

Surprisingly, until the new and very special episode of KMCC, Interview with Ken Turetzky!, I’d never heard Tyrone cut one in the studio. But that’s just what he did, at the 44:08 mark.

We’re talking about stuff of interest only to the geekiest of Demented comedy music fans — my influences, how I conceived and recorded various songs, blah, blah, blah — and then, passing without observation, a clearly defined, Tyrone Kahn fart.

Talking to the animals

Tyrone has distinguished his show from other Dr. Demento-inspired entertainment by veering away from Weird Al and toward the independent artists whose work is safe for podcast consumption.

He’s also conducted interviews with his favorite artists, with mine the latest in a series that includes Dino-Mike, Bob Emmett, William “Bud” LaTour, Wally Wingert and Odd Austin.

But oh, how I can drone on, much like my hero Jerry Lewis, in his serious moments. Hoping to rescue the interview and even lift my mood, Tyrone began to interject.

“And they’re not just goofy stupid comedy songs,” I whined at one point about my misunderstood oeuvre.

“They’re smart goofy stupid comedy songs!” Tyrone cheerily declared.

“I feel like I have niche audiences everywhere,” I lied moments later. “If I could just bring them together….”

“It would be a peaceful world!” Tyrone cried, completing my thought. “And there’d be no wars; everybody would be holding hands and just enjoying your music.”

Finally, Tyrone’s message of optimism and hope began to sink in. Sure, I might be a dull interview, but I’ve written some pretty good songs!

“When you listen to my music,” I concluded, “it’s impossible to hate America.”

“Yeah,” said my pal Tyrone. “Yeah.”

Extended playlist

Throughout the show, Tyrone broke up the conversation with my songs People I Know (Live in Terre Haute), The Ballad Of Morris The Cat, Today Was A Very Good Day, She Won’t Blow Me, (Jerry Lewis) Fly Me To The Moon, If They Found Me Dead and Her Shit Don’t Stink.

Her Yaish Don’t Stink  (0:01)

Don’t hoit me!  (0:03)

Tyrone lights one up  (0:02)

They’re smart goofy stupid comedy songs!  (0:14)

A peaceful world  (0:25)

Full interview  (24:51)

Related posts:

1. Tyrone Kahn keeps the faith with more Demented music
2. Whooo! Kahn Man drops Season 5 Finale
3. Tyrone sets Kahnmanapalooza, intros new Turetzky bumpers

One thing that was obvious to me as I watched Ray Wylie Hubbard grind out his driving, bluesy anthems on a recent Saturday at Bill’s Records, is how these outlaw country artists really live the genre.

Bandana-wrapped, bristly, beery (or recovering from a life of beeriness), Ray Wylie and his junior outlaw pal, Guthrie Kennard, would rock day and night, even if KHYI 95.3 FM didn’t sponsor their shows, or fans didn’t pack the house to listen.

Guthrie Kennard (l) and Ray Wylie Hubbard

Ray Wylie’s all, Screw You, We’re From Texas and Up Against the Wall, Redneck Mother. No apologies, no regrets.

Me, I start begging for relief 30 minutes into a 45-minute set. If I’m an outlaw, it’s because I refuse to practice. I’m already exhausted from living the life that inspired my horrible songs. How much does this business want from me, anyway?

Nevertheless, I enjoy the vibe at Bill’s KHYI-sponsored shows, and I’m hoping for the best when I perform on The Porch from 7-8 p.m. Wednesday, January 27, during KHYI Boulevard Unfiltered Wednesdays at The Ranch at Las Colinas, 857 West John Carpenter Freeway in Irving, Texas. Call (972) 506-7262 for details.

Famed DJ will play host, and I’ll be sharing the stage with Cherisse. Lotsa laughs, if you can hear me over the happy hour din.

See you there!

Related posts:

1. Watch me open the Duct Tape Gala
2. Me and Bill make the society page
3. Alive and kickin’ with Texas Trevor and W.C.

I get a nice plug from Around Town reporter Lyndsay Knecht Milne at nbcdfw.com:

Cool! I’m snarky, shocking and anti-folk. That’s three more adjectives for the book.

Now, who the heck are the Moldy Peaches?

Related posts:

1. Big Phil’s Love Parade: Big Phil meets Long John
2. Today Was A Very Good Day
3. Hyper Nonsense: Payloadz meets the Internet trolley of love

I’m well aware these open mic sessions can drag on, as with a holiday party where you don’t know anyone and you spend the last hour plotting how to sneak out the front door like a burglar.

In fact, I recall one particular evening at the DFW Songwriters Open Mic when, about three hours into a two-hour event, a large fellow in a hoodie stepped up to the microphone, said, “My name is Lamar and this first song is called I Miss You,” and for the next 30 minutes entertained us a capella with a quavering falsetto that never quite found a melody.

I felt like a hostage.

Expect a similar experience when you catch my turn as DFWSOM featured artist, 7-9 p.m. CDT Thursday, January 7, in the Community Room at Half Price Books, 5803 E. Northwest Highway in Dallas. Call (214) 379-8000 for details.

Expect my bookstore set, which means I’ll only be pushing the limits of good taste, instead of crossing the line into unforgivably offensive songs and social commentary. Although at this point I can hardly tell the difference.

See you there!

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1. Snark Tank Radio Variety Hour: A tribute to Ken Turetzky
2. It’s my turn, FDM!SOM!
3. Jammin’ with The Ugly Guys

Podcast: Big Phil’s Love Parade
Date: January 3, 2010
Title: Happy Fu&king New Year
Download the show: Show 219

While the rest of the country collapsed into a financial puddle during 2009, Big Phil’s Love Parade host Big Phil enjoyed a fine annual return.

He cranked out his raw, politics-and-porn Sunday night podcast on a consistent basis, held on to his thankless white-collar job, banned soy from his diet and trimmed down, dyed his bald head orange, and survived a spectacular Oklahoma City Christmas Eve blizzard.

New year, same old Bizarro Phil

Predictably, Big Phil’s alter ego followed an alternate track. In his first annual greeting to listeners, Bizarro Phil revealed that he partied in 2010 by “having sex without protection” with his “kinky girlfriend.” Further, he announced, “I will drop acid. I am smoking a bong, smoking pot.”

Finally, a clearly addled Bizarro Phil said (coining a phrase), “I am trying to put a show snovel of blow in my nose.”

And then he saw Jesus.

As a perverse but popular artist, Bizarro Phil also decided to support his pal Big Phil by recording a brief promo, or bumper for his favorite show.

“Of course, I am beatin’ my nutbag right now,” Bizarro Phil teased. “So watch out, ladies!”

Witty and intelligent

These contributions and more have made Bizarro Phil an audience favorite on Big Phil’s Love Parade. And so I was surprised yet proud when Big Phil chose to acknowledge not Bizarro Phil, but me, for my own contributions to the show.

“This man has done more to promote my podcast than I have!” he marveled.

Phil called me “A very talented guy“…”a very astute political observer”…”witty and intelligent.”

If only I was a movie, I’d splash that shit all over the bill.

Thanks, Big Phil. Back at you!

Phil’s been a great supporter of my music as well. During recent shows, he featured I Feel Bad – Live at Mayfest, Why Don’t You Get A Job – Live at Mayfest (twice), If They Found Me Dead – Live at Bill’s Records, True Love – Live at Bill’s Records, Why Don’t You Get A Job – Live at Mayfest and (Jerry Lewis) Fly Me To The Moon.

Happy New Year from Bizarro Phil!  (0:48).

This is Bizarro Phil  (1:36).

A very talented guy  (1:00).

He put a lot of work into that!  (6:03).

Related posts:

1. Big Phil out, Bizarro Phil in at Love Parade
2. Big Phil’s Love Parade: Big Phil brand could be in play
3. Big Phil’s Love Parade: Big Phil moves in

Podcast: Michael Angel’s Cosmic Grab Bag
Date: December 28, 2009
Title: Episode 114

If there’s anything I enjoy more than self-promotion, it’s promoting podcasters who devote substantial portions of their programs to talking about me.

I struck the jackpot with Michael Angel, host of Michael Angel’s Cosmic Grab Bag and benevolent overlord to a modest cohort of Halo Heads, which is the name he gives to the people who download his podcast.

All it took was a few careless lines of criticism in the old Podcast Roundup, and Michael gushed buckets about my own perceived talent as a media provocateur. Takes an unchecked ego to know one!

As a result, Michael bestowed “featured artist” status upon me, replaying my song (Jerry Lewis) Fly Me To The Moon and adding The Ballad Of Morris The Cat for good measure.

Journalism is dead

“Ken, you nailed the essence of me,” Michael said upon reading my review in its entirety.

“Hey, Ken, I think you’re a great musician. But if you ever decide you don’t want to do that any more…Just writing op-ed pieces in a paper. I mean a big, major paper. Cause you got a talent, man; you got a way with words.”

How about that? Michael’s suggesting if I give up on one brutal, thankless career, I can go back to the brutal, thankless one in the dying industry I left behind. Thanks, Mike!

He kindly declared my Fly Me To The Moon “a classic” but lit up like a kid on Christmas while reading back his own words, as reproduced on my blog.

“It’s weird hearing a review of your show and having somebody see you through their eyes and what you seemed like. He nailed it; what can I tell you?”

Do the right thing

I’m just following the philosophy of Michael Angel, who closes each and every show with this benediction:

“I want you all to be good humans. Do something wonderful for somebody just because you can. And just because it’s the right thing to do, man. It’s great karma. And it will never ever, ever steer you wrong.”

You got a talent, man  (7:21)

Related posts:

1. To all the wonderful ladies
2. Big Phil’s Love Parade: Keeping the fun alive
3. The Awful Show: Slow but hilarious — that’s me!