Thank goodness Facebook has gotten so hot, because I’ve been on Twitter for months now — blogging for even longer — and I’m so bored with those stuffy old media.

I think Facebook is here to stay, though, so I’ve broken ground on a Band Fan Page. Fan Turetzky Syndrome to follow all the action.

I’ll be posting gig reports, images, audio and video and inviting comments — you know, pretty much the same crap I do here.

So, come on over. And for old time’s sake, follow me on Twitter at @kturet. If you’re really old and out of touch, friend me on MySpace at kenturetzky.

Related posts:

1. Twitter nets Turetzky Twestival nod
2. Disturbed: myTunes music critic raises ‘Turetzky Syndrome’ alert
3. Hyper Nonsense: Turetzky is full of hate

Podcast: Kahn Man’s Comedy Corner
Date: February 2, 2010
Title: Interview with Ken Turetzky!
Download the show: Episode 6-06

Tyrone Kahn (r) and subject

My pal Tyrone Kahn has a thing about profanity, at least where Kahn Man’s Comedy Corner is concerned, because he considers his monthly podcast to be family entertainment.

For example, Tyrone has created his own backwards version of the word shit, which he pronounces as yaish. Nobody’s the wiser, eh?

Farts are another story. On the phone, Tyrone farts frequently and without shame. “I can smell that one from here!” I tell him, while marshaling my forces for a return blast.

Surprisingly, until the new and very special episode of KMCC, Interview with Ken Turetzky!, I’d never heard Tyrone cut one in the studio. But that’s just what he did, at the 44:08 mark.

We’re talking about stuff of interest only to the geekiest of Demented comedy music fans — my influences, how I conceived and recorded various songs, blah, blah, blah — and then, passing without observation, a clearly defined, Tyrone Kahn fart.

Talking to the animals

Tyrone has distinguished his show from other Dr. Demento-inspired entertainment by veering away from Weird Al and toward the independent artists whose work is safe for podcast consumption.

He’s also conducted interviews with his favorite artists, with mine the latest in a series that includes Dino-Mike, Bob Emmett, William “Bud” LaTour, Wally Wingert and Odd Austin.

But oh, how I can drone on, much like my hero Jerry Lewis, in his serious moments. Hoping to rescue the interview and even lift my mood, Tyrone began to interject.

“And they’re not just goofy stupid comedy songs,” I whined at one point about my misunderstood oeuvre.

“They’re smart goofy stupid comedy songs!” Tyrone cheerily declared.

“I feel like I have niche audiences everywhere,” I lied moments later. “If I could just bring them together….”

“It would be a peaceful world!” Tyrone cried, completing my thought. “And there’d be no wars; everybody would be holding hands and just enjoying your music.”

Finally, Tyrone’s message of optimism and hope began to sink in. Sure, I might be a dull interview, but I’ve written some pretty good songs!

“When you listen to my music,” I concluded, “it’s impossible to hate America.”

“Yeah,” said my pal Tyrone. “Yeah.”

Extended playlist

Throughout the show, Tyrone broke up the conversation with my songs People I Know (Live in Terre Haute), The Ballad Of Morris The Cat, Today Was A Very Good Day, She Won’t Blow Me, (Jerry Lewis) Fly Me To The Moon, If They Found Me Dead and Her Shit Don’t Stink.

Her Yaish Don’t Stink  (0:01)

Don’t hoit me!  (0:03)

Tyrone lights one up  (0:02)

They’re smart goofy stupid comedy songs!  (0:14)

A peaceful world  (0:25)

Full interview  (24:51)

Related posts:

1. Tyrone Kahn keeps the faith with more Demented music
2. Whooo! Kahn Man drops Season 5 Finale
3. Tyrone sets Kahnmanapalooza, intros new Turetzky bumpers

One thing that was obvious to me as I watched Ray Wylie Hubbard grind out his driving, bluesy anthems on a recent Saturday at Bill’s Records, is how these outlaw country artists really live the genre.

Bandana-wrapped, bristly, beery (or recovering from a life of beeriness), Ray Wylie and his junior outlaw pal, Guthrie Kennard, would rock day and night, even if KHYI 95.3 FM didn’t sponsor their shows, or fans didn’t pack the house to listen.

Guthrie Kennard (l) and Ray Wylie Hubbard

Ray Wylie’s all, Screw You, We’re From Texas and Up Against the Wall, Redneck Mother. No apologies, no regrets.

Me, I start begging for relief 30 minutes into a 45-minute set. If I’m an outlaw, it’s because I refuse to practice. I’m already exhausted from living the life that inspired my horrible songs. How much does this business want from me, anyway?

Nevertheless, I enjoy the vibe at Bill’s KHYI-sponsored shows, and I’m hoping for the best when I perform on The Porch from 7-8 p.m. Wednesday, January 27, during KHYI Boulevard Unfiltered Wednesdays at The Ranch at Las Colinas, 857 West John Carpenter Freeway in Irving, Texas. Call (972) 506-7262 for details.

Famed DJ will play host, and I’ll be sharing the stage with Cherisse. Lotsa laughs, if you can hear me over the happy hour din.

See you there!

Related posts:

1. Watch me open the Duct Tape Gala
2. Ken to back Lee Fortune at June 1 DART gig
3. Me and Bill make the society page

I get a nice plug from Around Town reporter Lyndsay Knecht Milne at nbcdfw.com:

Cool! I’m snarky, shocking and anti-folk. That’s three more adjectives for the book.

Now, who the heck are the Moldy Peaches?

Related posts:

1. Hyper Nonsense: Payloadz meets the Internet trolley of love
2. Big Phil’s Love Parade: Big Phil meets Long John
3. It’s my turn, FDM!SOM!

I’m well aware these open mic sessions can drag on, as with a holiday party where you don’t know anyone and you spend the last hour plotting how to sneak out the front door like a burglar.

In fact, I recall one particular evening at the DFW Songwriters Open Mic when, about three hours into a two-hour event, a large fellow in a hoodie stepped up to the microphone, said, “My name is Lamar and this first song is called I Miss You,” and for the next 30 minutes entertained us a capella with a quavering falsetto that never quite found a melody.

I felt like a hostage.

Expect a similar experience when you catch my turn as DFWSOM featured artist, 7-9 p.m. CDT Thursday, January 7, in the Community Room at Half Price Books, 5803 E. Northwest Highway in Dallas. Call (214) 379-8000 for details.

Expect my bookstore set, which means I’ll only be pushing the limits of good taste, instead of crossing the line into unforgivably offensive songs and social commentary. Although at this point I can hardly tell the difference.

See you there!

Related posts:

1. It’s my turn, FDM!SOM!
2. Think good ol’ boy meets Moldy Peaches
3. Big Phil’s Love Parade: Pay no attention to your music player!

Podcast: Big Phil’s Love Parade
Date: January 3, 2010
Title: Happy Fu&king New Year
Download the show: Show 219

While the rest of the country collapsed into a financial puddle during 2009, Big Phil’s Love Parade host Big Phil enjoyed a fine annual return.

He cranked out his raw, politics-and-porn Sunday night podcast on a consistent basis, held on to his thankless white-collar job, banned soy from his diet and trimmed down, dyed his bald head orange, and survived a spectacular Oklahoma City Christmas Eve blizzard.

New year, same old Bizarro Phil

Predictably, Big Phil’s alter ego followed an alternate track. In his first annual greeting to listeners, Bizarro Phil revealed that he partied in 2010 by “having sex without protection” with his “kinky girlfriend.” Further, he announced, “I will drop acid. I am smoking a bong, smoking pot.”

Finally, a clearly addled Bizarro Phil said (coining a phrase), “I am trying to put a show snovel of blow in my nose.”

And then he saw Jesus.

As a perverse but popular artist, Bizarro Phil also decided to support his pal Big Phil by recording a brief promo, or bumper for his favorite show.

“Of course, I am beatin’ my nutbag right now,” Bizarro Phil teased. “So watch out, ladies!”

Witty and intelligent

These contributions and more have made Bizarro Phil an audience favorite on Big Phil’s Love Parade. And so I was surprised yet proud when Big Phil chose to acknowledge not Bizarro Phil, but me, for my own contributions to the show.

“This man has done more to promote my podcast than I have!” he marveled.

Phil called me “A very talented guy“…”a very astute political observer”…”witty and intelligent.”

If only I was a movie, I’d splash that shit all over the bill.

Thanks, Big Phil. Back at you!

Phil’s been a great supporter of my music as well. During recent shows, he featured I Feel Bad – Live at Mayfest, Why Don’t You Get A Job – Live at Mayfest (twice), If They Found Me Dead – Live at Bill’s Records, True Love – Live at Bill’s Records, Why Don’t You Get A Job – Live at Mayfest and (Jerry Lewis) Fly Me To The Moon.

Happy New Year from Bizarro Phil!  (0:48).

This is Bizarro Phil  (1:36).

A very talented guy  (1:00).

He put a lot of work into that!  (6:03).

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1. Big Phil out, Bizarro Phil in at Love Parade
2. Big Phil’s Love Parade: Big Phil brand could be in play
3. Big Phil’s Love Parade: Big Phil moves in

Podcast: Michael Angel’s Cosmic Grab Bag
Date: December 28, 2009
Title: Episode 114

If there’s anything I enjoy more than self-promotion, it’s promoting podcasters who devote substantial portions of their programs to talking about me.

I struck the jackpot with Michael Angel, host of Michael Angel’s Cosmic Grab Bag and benevolent overlord to a modest cohort of Halo Heads, which is the name he gives to the people who download his podcast.

All it took was a few careless lines of criticism in the old Podcast Roundup, and Michael gushed buckets about my own perceived talent as a media provocateur. Takes an unchecked ego to know one!

As a result, Michael bestowed “featured artist” status upon me, replaying my song (Jerry Lewis) Fly Me To The Moon and adding The Ballad Of Morris The Cat for good measure.

Journalism is dead

“Ken, you nailed the essence of me,” Michael said upon reading my review in its entirety.

“Hey, Ken, I think you’re a great musician. But if you ever decide you don’t want to do that any more…Just writing op-ed pieces in a paper. I mean a big, major paper. Cause you got a talent, man; you got a way with words.”

How about that? Michael’s suggesting if I give up on one brutal, thankless career, I can go back to the brutal, thankless one in the dying industry I left behind. Thanks, Mike!

He kindly declared my Fly Me To The Moon “a classic” but lit up like a kid on Christmas while reading back his own words, as reproduced on my blog.

“It’s weird hearing a review of your show and having somebody see you through their eyes and what you seemed like. He nailed it; what can I tell you?”

Do the right thing

I’m just following the philosophy of Michael Angel, who closes each and every show with this benediction:

“I want you all to be good humans. Do something wonderful for somebody just because you can. And just because it’s the right thing to do, man. It’s great karma. And it will never ever, ever steer you wrong.”

You got a talent, man  (7:21)

Related posts:

1. To all the wonderful ladies
2. Knitting Time Together: Stuffed Morris
3. Bizarro Phil drops acid, sees Jesus

Podcast: Michael Angel’s Cosmic Grab Bag
Date: October 22, 2009
Title: Episode 96

It’s always a joy to hear others rediscover, through my own mahvelous interpretation, the ecstasy of an uninhibited Jerry Lewis performance.

To think that a poor Jewish kid who came from nothing, the urchin who danced in the street for pennies just to maintain his Ripple habit — I’m talking about me now — would achieve podcast accolades by emulating someone far more talented than himself, is indeed humbling.

Now, Michael Angel is just the latest podcaster to enjoy a little reflected thrill by playing my very Jerry cover of a Sinatra classic.

Did you ever wonder?

“Did you ever wonder what it would be like if Jerry Lewis did the song Fly Me To The Moon?” Michael asked during a recent episode of Michael Angel’s Cosmic Grab Bag. “I’d like to dedicate this song to all the wonderful laaaaa-deeeeees!“

And just as I paid my own tribute to a comic genius, Michael observed Vegas protocol as he extended sincere accolades to me.

“Yep, that’s what it would sound like if Jerry Lewis did that tune. Ken, you nailed it, man. I don’t like everything Jerry Lewis ever did but I gotta tell ya, hearing him sing anything like that makes you crack up!”

Cult of the Halo Head

Michael’s a picture of self-promotion, describing his Dallas-based program as “the best unknown podcast on the net!” He claims about 850 subscribers.

His listeners are “Halo Heads,” who gather ’round their iPods as the laid-back host talks holiday shopping or his particular obsession, Barack Obama, then reaches into his “Cosmic Grab Bag” to select another tune.

Better get those episodes while they’re hot, as Michael does not keep a deep archive, deleting his old shows, and even his playlists, every week or two.

I recommend the Cosmic Grab Bag. Why wouldn’t I? Michael Angel digs my Jerry Lewis impression. Check it out!

You nailed it, man!  (01:46)

Related posts:

1. You nailed the essence of me
2. Big Phil’s Love Parade: You don’t know Jerry Lewis
3. The Write Stuff and Power Ogg: Robert G Parent loves to dance

Podcast: Schnauzer Logic
Date: November 18, 2009
Title: Episode 68
Download the show: Episode 68

I call it a stage persona, you call it a bad first impression.

Gotta admit, though, that I just can’t help myself. The invitation to appear on a rare episode of Schnauzer Logic flips my joke-writing switch and starts me churning out the sort of dark, political, Yiddische commentary I would have hoped to read at Lenny Bruce’s memorial service.

Alas, once the show begins, I realize I’m expected to engage in conversation with a panel of literate grownups, all born too late for What’s My Line? and too smart for radio, but perfect foils for the independent new medium of podcasting.

Confoundingly, though, I tend to treat a Schnauzer Logic interview like an open mic. A fresh line is dangled before host Robin Diane Goldstein and the panel. A restless silence follows. I scribble a note on my steno pad. iTunes subscriptions are canceled as once-loyal listeners flee.

Welcome back!

What I’d hoped for was more of the host’s generous, giddy laughter, unheard since April 19, 2008, in this first episode of SL since Robin placed the show on hiatus to deal with pressing medical issues.

But then that loser character — merely a theatrical exaggeration of some vague neurosis that once flitted through my otherwise untroubled mind — came back to bite me in the id.

Workshopping a new comedy bit, I kvetched to Robin about a woman who drunk-dials me to complain that I refuse to stalk her like all her other ex-boyfriends.

Well, said Robin, explaining the terrifying silence that followed, “the first thing that’s surprising is that you have an ex-girlfriend. Your songs don’t lead one to believe that you would have a rich and rewarding romantic life.”

I see now my amusing comedy persona has consumed itself, like a snake eating its own tail. Unless it wasn’t a persona, and it was really me all along. I’m so confused!

At least I still have those uncomfortable silences! They’re pretty funny. Right?

To illustrate her point about my poorly socialized personality, Robin played my unreleased song, Let Love In.

Hits and misses

Nevertheless, I managed to unleash a few sparkling comedy zingers:

Nobel committee vindicates ‘Albert Schwartzer’ crack  (0:26)

No gigs for Parviz. Can I open?  (0:17)

I reject the fake audiences  (0:19)

I’ve written a song that even makes me cringe  (0:42)

David Carradine has spoiled suicide for everyone  (0:27)

I’d hate myself even if I wasn’t Jewish  (0:24)

A rich and rewarding romantic life — not  (0:34)

Obama doesn’t look a bit Hawaian  (0:20)

I refuse to compromise  (0:25)

I’ll see you in hell!  (0:15)

Reaching out to Robin  (0:22)

Full interview  (43:47)

John DeKoven is America’s funniest neocon  (0:14)

Related posts:

1. Schnauzer Logic: Conversation with Ken
2. Schnauzer Logic: Observations from the downslide
3. Schnauzer Logic: Summer of Not So Much Love

Podcast: The One Minute How-To
Date: December 17, 2009
Title: How To Write Stand Up Comedy
Download the show: Item No. 426

What? You funny?

Honestly, I expect that reaction. Who made this nudnick the spokesmodel for stand up? By what authority is some would-be, who’s never been closer to a Comedy Central special than his TV remote, now the go-to guy on getting laughs?

Well, there’s your first lesson in show business: You don’t have to be good. You just have to know somebody. And I know George Smyth.

My dear, dear friend George recently asked me back to The One Minute How-To podcast to deliver a 60-second lecture entitled, How To Write Stand Up Comedy.

Bringing the funny

And why shouldn’t George call? I’m ratings gold. My two previous entries for the series, How To Write A Funny Song and How To Perform For An Audience, have attracted more than 20,000 downloads.

George says OMHT has collectively logged 3.7 million downloads since its inception in April 2006.

Fact is, I think I have learned something during my weeks and weeks in comedy about making people laugh. In one minute of magic, here’s what I told George:

Related posts:

1. One Minute How-To: How To Perform For An Audience
2. The One Minute How-To: All of a sudden, I know something
3. The Write Stuff: Ballad Of Morris The Cat