Turning in the Mz. for the Mrz.

it's been a long time...singing Aaliyah

2012-05-10T22:06:00.000-07:00

why hello there! i know that it's been FOREVER since i've updated any of my blogs and especially this one. you all might've been thinking that i'd died or M + i called it quits or i just didn't care; but none of the above is true. i'm alive and well (still kicking), M + i continue to do this thing called 'marriage' and having a grand time at it, and i've missed blogging so much; but most of my time has been overtaken by academic obligations (i'm graduating from grad school next week!). i'm a big poo poo. i know. piss-poor excuse but it's the truth. it's a short update right now, but i'll be working on the blogs very soon (e.g., this weekend) and will be busy updating you as to what's been going on. a picture below is what we've been up to.

taken at my school's 'spring soiree' (what i affectionately coin as 'grad school prom') in april, this is what we typically look like when we're together: complete goofballs, but loving it! this year's theme was 'old hollywood' and we played/dressed the part. M's slicked down hair, bow tie & pocket square was fitting for my black/silver frock, bright red lipstick and curled hair. down to my outrageous michael kors shoes, i was ridiculously circa 1940s red carpet premiere, minus the red carpet, movie star persona or cary grant. but who cares about him anyways, when i got me some M, right?
this is it for now, but promise more to come very very soon. to all those who believe in love, struggle with juggling life + marriage, or just want to know what goes on in a long-distance marriage such as ours, keep reading. keep believing. and keep trusting in me that i'll be able to get my act together and actually blog. toodles!

some things i learned during our 1st year

2012-02-22T07:49:00.000-08:00

civil ceremony picture at city hall: 2.11.2011

february 11th last year (also Dad's birthday), we hauled our butts to the Hagerstown, mD city hall from Baltimore-Washington Int'l airport to do our civil ceremony a month before our church wedding. in attendance were both moms and a good friend of mine, T and her daughter. it felt kinda strange to say the generic vows that we repeated after the county clerk in the inky-dinky room they do all their civil ceremonies. i don't know if it was my nerves or the size of the place because i felt almost claustrophobic. plus, my voice cracked when i repeated the vows to M. i suppose it was practice for our church wedding; but still...it felt exciting, a little overwhelming and yet euphoric to be pronounced 'man and wife.' at the time, i think i was overwhelmed with grad school, planning a wedding, and living so far away from my then-fiance. one year later, i've learned several things about what it really means to be that: man and wife.
1. you not only need to love each other, but LIKE each other as well

where we celebrated feb. 2011

one year later, we found ourselves celebrating a more low-key feb. 11th (civil) anniversary since we wanted to focus more on Dad's "big one" birthday in Calif. we had thrown ourselves a little get-together with friends the week before, so we weren't going to make a big deal about our 1-year. but even if that was the case, M + i still knew that we had a milestone under our belt: after living mostly apart during our 1st year of marriage, we still made it! most importantly, we still really REALLY like each other after the fantasy, planning & hoopla of a 'destination' wedding back East. the excitement of a wedding day is thrilling, but what's more important are the day-to-day things that make the 'us' cohesive.

anniversary collage made by M

my bridal bouquet at city hall from mom-in-law

2. sometimes it's best when my husband ignores what comes out of my mouth
after a wonderful weekend of sailing, being with family, and eating lots of scrumptious food, at the end of the day, all i wanted to do was kiss my husband. we told each other that there would not be any anniversary gifts since we have been saving for our belated honeymoon, but there were beautiful cards for our 1-year celebration and for V-day. M also made this beautiful collage of our little family along with a map of our honeymoon destinations, including a travel guide of ItaLy, to add to my overflowing travel book collection at home. M doesn't always listen to me, but i love it when he doesn't, especially when it involves gifts. me = s-p-o-i-l-e-d.
3. marriage is more than just a 'piece of legal paperwork'
i hate it when he leaves. though we've seen each other every weekend this month (a whopping THREE times!!), it just doesn't seem enough. yup, i'm the first to complain that living apart sucks; but we both realize it's this short-term, heart-wrenching sacrifice we have to make for a better future. i cry every time we have to do the goodbyes to each other. with this past year's stressful events, the physical distance between us, and everything else included in getting adjusted as a married couple vs. a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship. when people tell you that 'they mean the same thing,' they're lying or don't know what they're talking about: it's not the same. i've been in long-distance relationships before, but nothing compares to what M + i are doing now. marriage means so much more: you make decisions based on 'us' versus just 'me.' you are accountable not only to yourself but to your spouse. what you do personally affects your husband or wife. like i said, it's not the same. yeah, there are legal ramifications associated with marriage, but what this institution is much greater than what a piece of paper says.
4. compromise
don't get me wrong: it's not all rose-colored glasses, people. we argue about the 'usual marriage stuff' and we make-up. we have pet peeves, but we continue to strive on replenishing our reserves of patience. we continually admit how imperfect we are as people; but the beautiful thing about being married to the right person is that at the end of the day, you continue to work on listening, laughing, forgiving and loving.

messing around at Sushi House, Alameda, CA

don't get me wrong: it's not all rose-colored glasses, people. we argue about the 'usual marriage stuff' and we make-up. we have pet peeves, but we continue to strive on replenishing our reserves of patience. we continually admit how imperfect we are as people; but the beautiful thing about being married to the right person is that at the end of the day, you continue to work on listening, laughing, forgiving and loving. that's the honest truth. our 'honeymoon phase' was short-lived with the personal trials M + i have gone through together this past year. it's no one's fault, really. crap happens. if you continue to lie to yourself and think that being married is some kind of fantasy with well-mannered kids, trained dogs, a constantly smiling wife and a husband who always remembers to take the trash out, you are so misled. a strong and happy marriage takes lots of work. granted, you can't do it on your own strength, so that's why i pray all the time. if left to my own devices, i'd demand 'my way' for most decisions. but you can't do that if you're married. compromise is a must in any family, especially in those difficult conversations with your spouse. you may feel (even for a split second) that you are 'losing out,' but when it's all said and done, you both win.

5. don't take yourself too seriously
those who personally know me, know that i'm generally a Type A, serious person. i didn't really have my own 'inside jokes,' until i met M. my husband makes me laugh, even when i'm upset or angry: through my tears, i end up LOL-ing when M purposefully says something funny. when we first started dating, i found his humorous comments annoying when i was upset. i thought, 'why isn't he not comforting me?' as the years have gone by, we've learned more about each other: he gets uncomfortable when i get teary-eyed (regardless of the reason) and i need to be held when i get the waterworks going or i raise my voice because i'm pissed. after the 3 years of practicing (& getting to know each other), we've figured out our niche: he hugs me when i cry and i calm down and laugh when M cracks a joke. both our needs get met: he gets to practice his stand-up comedy and i relax. i've learned to laugh more at myself and with M than i have with any other person in this world. it's a good thing i ended-up with him.
6. you cannot forget about God
one of the things that decorate our STL bedroom is a shadowbox of our handwritten/typed-out wedding vows we both wrote to say (promise) to each other on our wedding day. the common theme in both of our vows is God. M + i realize we suck at being perfect individuals. we don't have the know-how or expertise to be just that. and what a disaster our marriage would be if both of us (independent adults, use to doing we personally please) didn't take into account that there is a 3rd Entity in our marriage: Jesus. i know, many of you may not be religious or spiritual, but this is what M + i have found as 'glue' to our marriage: our faith. every morning when i wake up to seeing those vows on the wall, i am reminded of what my human promise as a wife means minus God = nothing. zilch. we may not remember to do our Bible studies or Love Dare together every day, but we continue to pray for ourselves and each other. the 'us' would never had made it through the rubbish we've had to battle this past year without Jesus in our home and in our lives. that's really our 'secret.' and that's always enough.

'paper year' potluck

2012-02-06T09:49:00.000-08:00

instead of having a private dinner for our 1st anniversary (our civil ceremony in HaGersTown, mD took place on Feb. 11th last year), we wanted to share it with our friends + throw our first potluck in our STL home. this past sat. night, we held the 'paper year' (paper is symbolic for the 1st year of marriage) theme for our celebration in our humble abode. this would be our first 'real' party thrown together as a married couple and it would be the first major event where eLLie (our 6-month-old lab puppy) would be exposed to a bunch of strangers in our home. we knew from the get-go that it was going to be pretty memorable. our guests were only asked to bring a paper copy of their dish recipe to the potluck; but some brought additional cards and paper-based presents. so thoughtful and cute!

in addition to our guests' dishes and desserts, M + i cooked-up appetizers, entrees and created a festive non-alcoholic punch. with all the food we had, no one was hungry to the point, we sent food home with everyone that would take it.

the guests consisted of friends from graduate school and church, of which many had never met each other. the mix of people was amiable and everyone seemed to be enjoying themselves, especially when M + i gave a rendition of 'thriller' from MichaeL jacKson's dance game on the Wii. many had not seen our engagement and wedding slide shows created by our wedding photographer, so they were able to see that as well. i know that this past year has been a bit strained since M + i are in a long-distance marriage. i think it's been hard on both of us to be apart, especially with everything that has been going on with our families and my health. when i watched our slide shows again during the party, it reminded me how lucky M + i are to have each other. God-knows we are not the 'perfect couple' (even though how hard we try). like every other couple, we have our spats, disagreements, and pet peeves. i think the secret (at least ours) on keeping it together as a couple is God. i think that if we were left to our own carnal and human devices, we'd be in ruins. i know this sounds so cliche, but we believe that it's been God Who is the glue that's kept M + i together throughout our relationship. watching our slide shows with our dear friends made me wrap my arms around M even tighter. i was just happy to be with him and to be able to share our happiness with our friends, crowded in our living room.

eLLie chillaxin' on her fave perch: our leather couch

a slight mishap DID happen: during the potluck, we had to put both dogs in the bedroom, since both were starting to 'beg' for food scraps from our guests. while we were showing some friends the bedroom and the dogs, eLLie split through the cracked door. within seconds, we heard surprised screams from the living room where the rest of our guests were seated and eating. apparently eLLie made a bee-line to the couch and toppled a plate of food, several cups with lime-green punch and some of the others' plates. as our guests scrambled for paper towels and M 'captured' eLLie and returned her to the bedroom, friends scattered and described how eLLie 'jumped and contorted her body to turn on the couch', laughing while they told their recollections. couscous was all over the leather couch and lime-green punch was being soaked-up with paper towels while i grabbed the vacuum to do a quick sweep of wayward couscous. even though this 'setback' happened, our friends seemed pretty chill to laugh the whole thing off. i'm sure they'll be talking about it whenever they think about our potluck.

when our last guests left almost to midnight, M + i were able to quickly clean-up and settle in for our last night of sleep together before he would drive the next day to head back to the DC area. remember what i said about long-distance marriages??? saying goodbye and letting go of a bear-hug grasp is so bloody hard. this upcoming weekend, we'll both be heading to CaLi for Dad's 65th birthday (which is the same day as our civil anniversary). maybe we'll get to 'sneak off' and do a 'couple thing' to celebrate 'us' again.

diagnosis: benign!

2012-02-06T08:39:00.000-08:00

just wanted to update you all, but i got my biopsy results a few days ago: the nodules are benign! YAY! the probability of it being 'benign' were high, so i'm grateful i'm in that percentage. i just have to do follow-up exams and tests within the year. my neck feels much better (actually, no pain now) and i'm able to go back to my regular activities. i know some of you have been asking and praying for me...i am grateful for that! a hearty thank-you!

'sneak attack' biopsy

2012-01-28T10:21:00.000-08:00

No one enjoys surprises, that includes me; but with everything that's been going on during my 31st year of life (e.g., being an long-distance marriage while in grad school, my 'hot tub mishap' sending me to the ER, both parents being hospitalized, Dad getting cancer), I should be use to surprises, especially the un-welcomed sort.

Source: WebMd, http://women.webmd.com/picture-of-the-thyroid

In August 2010, I had a disturbing letter and cat-scan (CT) results sent to me concerning by the ER I visited during a bad accident in a hot tub that made me pass-out and hit my head and neck on a marble wall and floor. After a nasty bump on the back of my head and concussive issues, I thought everything was okay...until I received those documents. After seeing my primary doctor, Dr. N, he recommended I see one of the better endocrinologists in the area, who did his own ultrasounds of the thyroid, Dr. S, who is pretty awesome: Dr. S took his time explaining to me what the ER's cat-scan of my neck meant (it read 'lesion on right lobe of thyroid') and does his own ultrasounds on his patients inside his office, instead of a random ultrasound technician somewhere else in the hospital. In a world where the doctor's time with his/her patient is on a ticking-clock, Dr. S provided a thorough examination of my neck, explained to me physician jargon that persists in most CT readings and did the ultrasound. After seeing several 'abnormalities' on the right lobe of my thyroid, Dr. S recommended I get scheduled for a thyroid biopsy. With everything that was going on with Dad being sick, I was pretty freaked-out. I know I shouldn't be, but 'ignorance is bliss': being a fellow clinician, I knew that all sorts of stuff could be wrong with my stupid thyroid. The thyroid is a pretty important gland for women, especially those wanting to get pregnant (see WebMd's down-low on the thyroid and women). So knowing what I knew, I was scared.
The 1st scheduled biopsy took place in mid-October. M took some time off of work and flew in from DC to be with me. I remember crying the night before the morning of the appointment. Dad was just diagnosed with cancer the month before and was just told earlier that week that it had spread or metastasized. When I arrived to the biopsy lab to meet with Dr. S and his residents and nurse, I was beside myself; but I kept thinking, 'God is definitely in control of all this. He wouldn't let me go through this alone.' I soon calmed down and laid back on the examining table while Dr. S did one final ultrasound to verify that the lesions were still there. After 45 minutes of looking (and the ultrasound jelly being spread allover my neck), Dr. S and his residents couldn't find it! That meant they wouldn't have to do a biopsy! I was beyond thrilled and very relieved! I knew that God wouldn't give me more that I could handle on my plate...and my proverbial 'plate' was pretty full.
Yesterday was my 2nd scheduled ultrasound/possible biopsy. And because the last ultrasound showed nothing, I wasn't too worried. I didn't tell my family in CA that it was happening and I didn't ask M to fly out for this one. I even drove myself to the appointment because I was so sure that they wouldn't be doing anything more than an ultrasound. I remember thinking while I waited at the cancer center (where the biopsy lab is located), 'This is nothing. I know they won't find anything and I'll be out of here in less than an hour when they see nothing on the ultrasound. Sweet.' Man, could I have been more wrong. Dr. S conducted a physical exam of my neck and didn't feel much of anything that meant 'nodule' or bump; but he wanted to make sure that there was nothing underlying under the skin tissue. During the extensive pre-biopsy ultrasound (the one the doctors do before they poke you with the biopsy needles), Dr. S found the 'colloids' and 'calcifications' with 'comet tails' on the right lobe of my thyroid. Whatever the hell that meant, it was completely clear as to what they needed to do: biopsy. I was crestfallen. Firstly, I hate needles (any kind) heading for my direction. I know this is an empty fear since the doctors give you local anesthetics before the biopsy needles go in, but I hate them nonetheless. Quite ironic, since I've been an ICU/ER nurse for a decade. Secondly, this was just a biopsy. I shouldn't be so freaked-out, since it's a routine procedure, right? Right?
As the resident was prepping the procedure equipment and Dr. S was writing up his notes after my ultrasound, I briefly called M to let him know what that they were going to do the biopsy. I could tell in his voice that he was upset that he wasn't with me for this appointment, but I didn't want him to be worried. (It's amazing how much we try to be brave and not sound like we're worried ourselves.) I had a bit more time before I needed to get a gown on and get on the table, so I texted Mom to let her know what was going on and turned my phone off: I didn't want to hear the constant vibration of my cellphone going off during the procedure because potential and continuous texts/missed calls.
I laid down and prepared myself by pinching my own fingers for the burning injections of lidocaine, the local anesthetic they would be putting around the areas they would be getting the biopsy. First, Dr. S made marking on my neck with the guidance of the ultrasound, to where he would be getting the biopsies from. Because my 'lesions' were not superficial but within the gland itself, the biopsy would have to be performed under the guidance of the ultrasound rather than the doctor feeling them with his hands. After sterilizing the area carefully (I'm allergic to shellfish and iodine, so they used alcohol), the local anesthesia shots were next. I felt like I was at the dentist but worst: instead of the quick lidocaine shots that go into your gum line, you've different places where several milliliters (mL) of anesthesia going into the soft tissue of your neck, down to your thyroid gland. The first injection burns like fire, but then the subsequent ones are unnoticeable. I closed my eyes while they gave me the shots, because it freaks me seeing needles so close to my face.
The biopsy needle (long and skinny) with its huge syringe chamber enclosed in a metal contraption came next. I had to close my eyes and pretend I was somewhere else: Looking at the doctor's hand holding an ultrasound probe on your neck while the other hand is manipulating the biopsy needle and syringe is not a fun sight. The whole time this was going on, the doctor's arm is over your visual field. No one's fault, but I would have started hyperventilating because it felt so claustrophobic with all this stuff going on around your face. Thinking about what they were doing was also making me nauseous and you have to stay still throughout the whole thing. Before every time the biopsy needle was inserted into my neck, I had to take one more swallow and not talk. Keep breathing and don't swallow. I kept reminding myself of this over and over again because it gave me a specific task to focus on while Dr. S manipulated the biopsy needle and ultrasound probe. Not swallowing for a period of time is a tough job (you try it), even more so when there is a chance that something could be nicked if you did swallow.
During the breaks between local anesthesia injections, biopsy needle aspirations, delivering slides to the lab room, Dr. S had put on the computer a slideshow of pictures of his recent vacation to British Colombia with his wife and another couple. I could easily turn my head to the side while laying on the table to look at the slideshow, while trying to remember to place pressure of the gauze dressing on my neck. I saw pictures of wild orca whales, blossoming flowers at a botanical garden and mountain panoramic views. The pictures were calming and it helped me focus on something beautiful and happy, instead of having to be on a table with needles getting tiny bits of your body tissue. I wanted to escape to anywhere else but where I was and those pictures were a lifesaver, because when I would close my eyes during the biopsy itself, I envisioned beaching whales and majestic views of Whistler.

black markings (longitudinal and transectional) for biopsy sites

After several more injections of lidocaine (they had to go further inside the gland than they anticipated) and biopsy needles going inside my thyroid 5 times, they were finally done. By the time the 2.5-hour visit was done, my endocrinologist attending physician was accompanied by his resident, a pathologist, the medical technician (who did the biopsy slides), another medical resident and a medical student in the tiny room where I laid on the examining table trying not to cry because I was scared.
Then it was finished. The resident, Dr. U, wiped all the ultrasound jelly off and place a small bandage. Dr. S said that he would hear results in about 2-3 business days and would be contacting me as soon as he knew anything. I got dressed, thanked everyone, and walked out to my car in a daze. At this time, it's rush hour traffic and I'm driving home in the hot mess of it. I started tearing-up (the first time I had the private opportunity to do so since they first told me they would be doing the biopsy). I couldn't believe this just happened. My neck felt swollen and tender as I knew the lidocaine was quickly fading.
After a quick reprimand from Mom for not telling her sooner so she could fly out from CA to be with me for the procedure, followed by her apologies for not physically being there for me, I called M and told him what had happened. M expressed his guilty feeling for not being there for all of this, but what is someone suppose to do when you're 800 miles apart except pray? I wept on the phone with M, because I missed him so much and felt like I was alone. I knew--deep down inside--that my family was always with me; but at this time of vulnerability, I was tired and by myself in St. Louis, without my husband and my family. After talking with M for a few more minutes I could muster (my neck was starting to get painful even after the bag of frozen peas applied to control the bruising and swelling), I bid goodbye.
Thank God for good friends in the area. Their kind messages and visits have made this time a bit more bearable, even without my immediate family and husband here with me. KK came by last night with dinner and took both dogs out for their evening walk. She kept me company until I was done eating and vowed to return this weekend if I needed anything else. Other friends have offered to help out with anything and come over to the flat, if I should need anything. I'm grateful for that and always thankful for the comfort of these close friends who have continuously backed-up their devotion to our friendship, even when I'm not at my best.

I woke up today (it's Sabbath) and my neck is quite sore and uncomfortable to turn my head to the left. Being on the previous medications for controlling my asthma attacks the week before, I am wiped-out. Completely fatigued. This morning's meal consisted of a bowl of oatmeal, a cup of medications and supplements, followed by a glass of water and OJ. I was hoping to be well enough to attend church service today, but this morning wasn't so easy to get out of bed and I still have the black marker residue from the biopsy that won't wash off immediately. So I'm staying home, reading my Bible lesson for the week and listening to the online recording of a past sermon. Today, I truly rest and petition God for the peace I already know of but need to be reminded of: the peace of God and trusting Him with everything. Sometimes in times like these (after a sneak attack biopsy), I need to be chastised for not remembering that 'God's got this.'
These are the facts: My husband is not here full-time in sT. Louis. Neither is the rest of my family. I have great close friends who have been quite supportive and prayerful for my situation. And most importantly, that God isn't going to let go of my hand through this uncertainty and this pounding 'alone' feeling I sometimes let myself feel when I'm out here in sT. Louis.
For now, I just need to get through my last semester of graduate school so I can join my husband. I'll also have to deal with whatever the biopsy results are next week. Right now, all I can do is 'just breathe.'

another semester apart

2012-01-28T07:34:00.000-08:00

Typical factory site close to roads on KY bridges

(L-R): eLLie + cHeL-cHeL being adorably patient

On MLK weekend, M + I started on our road trip from MaryLand back to sT. LouiS, a rough 800 miles in the car with a packed trunk and dogs in the backseat. We were fortunate enough to have a beautiful, winter Sunday: completely clear roads and a bright sun in the sky. It did help that CheL-CheL and eLLie are awesome travel companions: they went to the bathroom when we would make a pit-stop and slept for most of the way. We began our trip kind of late (more like a 5-hour late start) so we decided to take the 'southern route' that would shave off an hour off the trip (because of fewer construction sites on comparison to the 'northern route'). This particular route would bring us through WesT Va., KenTuckY, a small tip of Ohio, some of Indiana and through iLLiNois. We've taken this route before because there seem to be fewer semi-trucks and traffic. There seems to be more factories on this 'southern' route and I didn't realize as much until this latest trip.

One of our pit-stop buys at a WV bookstore: discounted holiday chocolate: $1.75!

After a handful of stops for gas, food and potty-breaks, we finally made it to our sT. LouiS home around midnight. There was some snow on the ground, but not much. Apparently the STL had been hit with a snowstorm the past week and the street plow trucks had to come through our small neighborhood street. Regardless of the cold and snow outside, M + I were just happy to make it safe and sound to our warm bed. After a 14-hour drive, nothing is gets better than one more night to snuggle next to my hubby before we embarked on another semester of school apart.

Holiday Cheer: Christmas baking, cooking, love & anxiety

2012-01-20T19:52:00.000-08:00

chocolate sponge cake, dk choc frosting w/ red sprinkles, powdered sugar

dogs thinking: "is it Christmas yet? and why can't we have chocolate cake?"

1st batch of the holiday: undecorated sugar cookies

Christmas tree cookie. yes, it was yummy!

Four days before Christmas, M flew in from DC to help with the drive from St. Louis back to Maryland. We weren't planning to leave until the day before Christmas Eve, so that would allow us time to share a bit more private Christmas dinner with just the two of us and our dogs in the Lou.

I spent the week prior to Christmas baking and cooking. M + I planned our following special Christmas dinner menu:

· roasted chicken (for M)
· vegetarian duck (for me)
· homemade mashed potatoes
· homemade candied yams
· fresh salad
· homemade cheesecake
· Welch's sparkling white grape juice

individual homemade cheesecakes: marble & regular-flavored

I setout to make sure all we were making was going to be delicious. I hadn't made homemade cheesecake in almost a decade but that's what M wanted for dessert.So homemade cheesecake it was: 4 individual cheesecakes (2 marble chocolate and 2 regular flavor). I also wanted to share the cheer, so I baked several dozen sugar cookies and gingerbread cutouts for our neighbors. These were also my trial batches for the gingerbread cutouts that I was going to make for my in-laws we were spending Christmas in western MD, about an hour from Morgantown, WV.

Since I was going to be gone for most of my winter vacation we decided to not do a real tree (Frazier firs are my favorite), so I raided the local thrift store (The Clubhouse Shop) and Walmart for simple holiday decorations so that the flat wouldn't seem so barren. This was the first year I've ever done stockings and we had four: two big red ones and two kiddie ones for the doggies. Yes, and even though our "kids" are our dogs, they mean just as much to us as if we'd had kids in the house. At least we know right now, we are not ready for that kind of commitment: children. But I digress..

I was able to find a Christmas ornament stand and used it to hang our annual coffee house ornaments: a total of 3, one for every Christmas M + I have been together.

dining table turned into a cookie-decorating station

Once M arrived to St. Louis, our home was prepared for a simple yet warm Christmas celebration. There wasn't any snow to make it a "White Christmas," but it was still special. I have to say that this Christmas was the first time I've watched almost every traditional and "B"-rated Christmas movie that cable TV was showing. For some reason, I wanted to truly soak-up everything Christmas. I think being married and Dad being sick this past year, reminded me of how precious these holiday times with family and close friends are. Additionally, it helped me to get into the 'right' Christmas spirit for my husband's arrival to St. Louis.

our yearly Christmas coffee ornaments: 3 Christmases together

I went all out with our dinner: casual silverware setting and even color-coordinated charges for our flatware. The good silver was put out as well as candles and linen. I was honestly excited to share our first Christmas dinner as husband + wife and wanted to make sure it was extra, EXTRA special for M.

After dinner, we opened presents (ours and for the dogs). M was so clever to purchase the first 2 seasons of his favorite sitcom, "Spartacus," as a present to us from our dogs. I was quite clear with M that we needed to not be extravagant about gifts this year since we wanted to buy gifts for both sides of our families. Being an unemployed graduate student and with a husband still working back East, I was quite strict about our Christmas shopping budget, except when it came to M: I still wanted to get him presents that would mean a lot to him. I guess that's what happens when people get married: they still want to give the absolute best for each other, even if it means a personal sacrifice.

what the party planning book calls a 'casual silverware place setting'

After we cleaned-up the kitchen and took out all the Christmas wrapping garbage out to the bins, we were on a mission to do last minute packing prior to leaving at 5am the next morning. It was going to be a long drive (approximately 800 miles) to M's hometown for his folks' Christmas festivities. In the back of my mind, I was anxious. VERY anxious...and this is why:

me: 'honey, i didn't know our dogs could go shopping and wrap presents'

M's uncle and his uncle's family were never accepting of me or my religious background or the fact that M was marrying me. Last Christmas (M + I had just been engaged), his uncle and his uncle's folks snubbed me the entire Christmas dinner. It sucks that during a very boisterous dinner, not one of his uncle's family members spoke to me and I ended-up chatting it up with M's grandmother who sat next to me. I felt so ostracized and secluded and cried my eyes out when M + I returned to his mom's house where we were staying. Uncle J and his family expressed their 'disappointment' in a very passive aggressive way: they would say "hi" to me (merely because I was there) but would later refuse to attend our wedding shower and wedding (both held in MD). I felt horrible but even worse for M because he was so close to Uncle J. I hate that our marriage was causing a rift between them, but in the end, M chose me and 'us.' Eventually, Uncle J had 'apologized' (in so many words. Remember: they are passive aggressive) to M, but he or his family has never breathed an "I'm sorry" to me and didn't even provide a simple excuse to 'missing' our wedding. In the end, the expectation of me was to brush it under the rug and forget it. That's it. As if nothing happened and that was my duty to do so. In reaction, I've never yelled "BuLL****" louder. Knowing that M + I would be spending Christmas with his folks (and his uncle and their brood), made me quite anxious and resentful for how they had treated me the previous year and throughout 2011. This was a big pill to swallow, even as a Christian woman (hey. I never said I was perfect).

We FINALLY got to my mom-in-law's house, 14 hours later. After an exhausted drive, we crashed (hard) and fell asleep in M's old childhood bedroom. We attended church the next morning and just relaxed for the rest of Christmas Eve with M, mom-in-law and sis-in-law (and the 5 dogs that we had at the house).

my Christmas card from my hunny

Christmas morning, I finished the batch of gingerbread cutouts and decorated them for the in-laws. I'm glad they didn't turn out too bad, though some of them were quite soft and kept on 'losing' heads, arms, legs and torsos when picked-up from the wire rack. The 'highly-anticipated' (more like, 'highly-dreaded') Christmas lunch at M's grandparents' home was going to happen in the early afternoon. We were awaiting M's brother and his family to arrive from lower MD and I wasn't planning to head down early to the house (where Uncle J and his troop) were already at. I'm not a masochist for punishment (again). I promised M that if they were going to be as rude as last year's Christmas, I was going to walk out from the table. Literally. My exit plan was the following: Fold my napkin, turn to Grandma M and kindly thank her for the meal and leave, not looking back. I wasn't messing around this time or settling for Uncle J and his entourage's poor social skills (i.e., being rude). I'd come to far as an adult and woman to be treated like that by them. Especially them.

Lunch finally happened and, of course, I was civil to all. I suppose warmer to M's grandparents. M noticed that I delivered a curt "Merry Christmas" to Uncle J, but at least I spoke to him, right? I could've completely ignored him when I arrived, like one of Uncle J's children had done in the past. I made my round of hugs and greetings to most all (thank God that was over with) and we finally sat down to eat. I was at the same area as last year: between M and his grandma. I was praying (in my head) that this wasn't going to be a repeat of last year's dinner. At least for M's family's sake.

batch #2 of gingerbread cutouts at in-laws in western Maryland

The meal came and went. Uneventful. There were two tables: the larger one (where M + I sat) seated 19 people, while the smaller one seated the rest of the 5 people. M's cousins mostly sat together in the smaller table while the M's nephews stayed with their parents at the bigger table. The insanity of Christmas gift opening was to ensue shortly thereafter. And trust me: it was INSANE. For a moment during the chaotic gift opening, I sat next to Grandpa M and he said, "there are several different conversations going on in this [living] room but I don't think anyone understands what anyone is saying." I laughed and we both sat back and watched the insanity of M's eldest nephew wanting to 'help' open everyone's present or M's cousins sharing a couch and laughing amongst themselves. And this is where the passive-aggressive behavior gets to me: Uncle J and his family got M + I gifts, yet they still refuse to address the freakin' white elephant in the room: "THEY BOYCOTTED OUR WEDDING + MARRIAGE! WHAT THE HELL??!?" I won't lie: I ate his aunt's homemade cookies, said a gracious 'thank-you' to all of them; but I gave most everything else away to other people. M + I did get Uncle J's family something for Christmas from Williams-Sonoma because we felt like it was the 'right thing to do.' In hindsight, we should've gone somewhere else for the gift rather than a high-end cooking store. I can't stand fakeness, from myself or from anyone else. I hate pretending that things are hunky-dory between M's folks and me and even more so, the expectation that I need to forget. I'm not a kept woman (M knows that) and I think other people need to understand that as well: I will do my best to be civil, but don't expect me to be overtly friendly. I did enough of 'acting' in the ER as if I gave a crap for belligerent patients who attempted to attack me (e.g., with fist, kick, or steak knife). In places like that, I have to protect myself, then protect the patient. As far as Uncle J's family is concerned, God is going to have to work on my heart and demeanor to accept the fact that they will never apologize to me or act like they deserve my forgiveness. I'm not exactly there yet with the 'forgetting' part; but I'm open to the forgiveness notion. After all, how can God forgive me if I can't do the same for others?

post-Christmas snow

Later on Christmas Day, we visited M's dad (his parents are divorced) and it was nice to sit in on listening to M + his dad reminisce about old times. M's older brother was going to come along so that M's eldest nephew could meet his grandfather, but they decided not to. M's siblings rarely talk to their dad (for understandable reasons), but I'm grateful that M still maintains contact with his dad. Regardless of what 'dung hit the fan' in the past (trust me: I understand that parent-child relationships can be a mess), M still wants to maintain open communication with his father. I wish I were more like M: he has the beyond saintly-capacity to forgive people. It just feels weird having to 'hide' the fact that we were visiting with M's dad from his grandparents (apparently 'old sins' never die). Christmas Day came to an end and we retired back to mom-in-law's house. I was emotionally, mentally and physically wiped-out. I wanted to sleep next to my husband...for a very LONG time.

CheL-CheL enjoying fresh snow in woods of in-laws back property

It snowed that week I spent with my in-laws: after Christmas Day and after New Year's. It was an interesting week of spending it with just mom-in-law and sis-in-law...and our 5 dogs. M had to go back down to DC for work that week but would return for New Year's Eve or NYE. Initially we had wanted to spend NYE in NYC, but I felt that we could do better: stay with his folks and cook NYE dinner for his mom & grandparents. We decided on steamed asparagus, veal marsala (for everyone except me) over fettuccine, and homemade apple dumplings + ice cream for dessert. The marsala seasoning was a disaster (the local grocery store did not have dry marsala), but everything else was fine. Even if the dumplings opened-up while they were baking, it still tasted delicious and we ended-up finishing it all the following day. After NYE dinner, we played board games and 15 minutes before midnight, we headed down to the grandparents' home to ring the big school-size bell in the front yard at midnight and ate more (e.g., cheese & crackers, sparkling apple cider, grapes, apples slices) to welcome the new year. I'm sure M's grandparents weren't impressed by my cooking (the darn marsala-substitution was a bloody disaster!), but I think they appreciated it that we chose to cook and share our NYE dinner with them.

The day after New Year's, M + I said our goodbyes and headed down south to where we would be staying together for the next few days at my cousin's house close to DC, prior to my trip to see my folks in CA that same week. My time with the in-laws (without M being present) was educational and fun. My mom-in-law is very thoughtful and motherly while I enjoyed listening to the grandparents' stories (e.g., grandpa M's wicked sense of humor is undeniable). Spending time with M's grandparents made me miss my own and mom-in-law's presence made me miss Mom even more. I would miss my time with M, but I was definitely ready for a trip out to warmer, sunnier, palm tree-lined, Filipino hospitality: my parents' home in CA.

ellie on top of one of her presents: doggie blanket from 'daddy'

Miami Beach Holiday in December

2012-01-11T13:58:00.000-08:00

During the first week of finals in early December, I received a student scholarship to attend a conference in Daytona Beach, FL. This trip meant several things: warmer weather, the sun, and wonderful people to meet. The conference was for only two days and it provided me an opportunity to not only learn about what's going on in rural health, but spend the weekend visiting old friends who live in an area of Miami Beach, commonly known as "SoBe." After a heinous, five-hour drive (all due to the combination of geriatric retirees, tourists, and insane 'the Fast & Furious' wannabes) in myrental car from Daytona Bch to South Beach, I finally made it to our friend's, J, high-rise condo. To my surprise, J's 7 months pregnant! (I found out when we first hugged and I notice her pronounced belly.) J wanted to surprise me and, boy, was I shocked! The 'preggers bug' is going around, I informed J: first her, then my sis-in-law...I kept the crossing my fingers in superstitious hopes that I won't catch 'whatever's lurking in the water making people pregnant.'

J and her fiancé, Y, live on the 21st floor and, I swear, I felt an altitude nosebleed coming on while looking down from their balcony. Beholding a breathtaking view, you could see the cruise and cargo ships at the Port of Miami. I arrived late in the evening but 'SoBe' seemed to be crawling with partiers and frolickers. The humidity and ocean breeze hit me when I (dressed in black sweats and jacket) stepped out of the rental car. But all I wanted was to fall asleep...on the floor, if needed.

The following day was spent soaking in the view of ships going in and out of the Port, catching-up on 'girl talk' over Pizza Rustica pizza and Ghirardelli chocolate samples on the infamous Lincoln Ave line of restaurants and bars. The Floridian sun was intoxicating and it didn't feel like Christmas season or even December: there were wild lovebirds pecking at grass below a menorah and driedel made entirely of seashells and erected in the midst of the restaurant's large umbrellas. Shortly after lunch and yogurt from Tasti D-Lite, J & I spent the rest of the afternoon lounging by their condo's pool watching the sunset and cruise ships go out to sea. Later that night, hubby arrived into MIA and just the two of us spent the rest of the evening and night in Beacon Hotel, an art deco hotel on South Beach. Though the night hours were filled with middle-age drunk folk attempting to make it to their appropriate rooms, M + I spent a restful night in each other arms.

The following morning, we woke up to bright sunshine and headed out for a walk in front of our hotel on Ocean Ave. After a brisk stroll, we went back for breakfast and checked-out. Arriving at J & Y's condo, J made us fantastical Cuban coffee, extremely strong and delicious espresso of which both M+ I are now in-love with. The rest of the day, we visited the Miami Seaquarium and we may have gotten a slight sunburn from the "usual winter weather in SoBe."

On our last evening in Miami Beach, we watched the sunset from South Pointe Park and shared a sushi dinner at Hiro's Sushi Express on Washington Ave. with our gracious friends.

M + I bid our farewells to J & Y and to each other, as we boarded separate planes: me back to St. Louis and M to Washington, D.C. The trip to Florida was a blessed reprieve for our long-distance marriage. I got to spend time (even if for a moment) with my husband. Every memory or moment I've shared with M, I am reminded of how little time we've had together during our first year of marriage. In any case, my opinion of long-distance marriages remains the same: regardless of how you attempt to sugarcoat it, they suck.

Apologies

2012-01-05T01:43:00.001-08:00

my hubby reminded me yesterday of my 'slackiness' in updating my blogs recently. my humblest apologies, internet world. these past few weeks have been INSANE!! but I promise stories + loads of pics from holiday festivus + travels. once I land in san francisco this AM, I'll get to cracking at them. lots of memories to share + thanks so much for your readership!!

yelling on the phone does NOT work

2011-12-02T20:37:00.001-08:00

chel-chel (L) + ellie (R) in park on beautiful november '11 day

who the hell said that marriage would be easy?? if they did say that, they're LYING!! it takes a lot of hard work, consideration, selflessness, patience, and most importantly, plenty of love. LOTS. i've realized how i'm in no position to be criticizing others on their marriages or failed marriage (i.e., kim kardashian + kris humphries). you'll get no judgment here, because people don't understand how difficult and challenging marriage can sometimes be, especially if you don't see eye-to-eye on important things. the 'small stuff' can get to you at times; but it should never be my reason to end things. i'm prefacing everything that i'm about to say with a fact: i love my husband, M. baby, if you're reading this, i hope i'm blowing-up your phone enough to remind of that ultimate fact. sorry: you're stuck with me for life, hon. tough crap.
now, let's talk about this insane month of november. no matter how you may feel about keanu reeves or charlize theron, i've always loved the sappy movie they did several years ago, sweet november. >>>made me cry too much the first several times i saw it in the movies, and i dare say, i'm not watching it again because of that. i've had enough issues and real events to cry about, i don't need to be sappy about the fake ones. anyways what i was getting at, was that this november blew: big time blew! it's been quite an emotional rollercoaster year of 2011, i just thought it didn't get any worse (depending on which vantage point you're seeing this from). the following are a few of my reasons why:

#1. my only living grandparent, lolo J, died a week before thanksgiving (see funeral, family & food). mom, D, & cousin E made an emergency trip back to the philippines for the funeral arrangements & such. it was too soon for dad after his major cancer surgery to be traveling to a place that's exactly 'sterile.' with this development of lolo's death and the stress of not being able to be with my family during the bereavement & memorial, i was emotionally wasted. i had nothing. i think i was just so 'wasted' from going through the insanity of dad's sickness and surgery, that i didn't have any more reserve of sanity. so i lost it. literally. i was in a lecture when mom called me with the news and i had to excuse myself to answer the call in the hall, where i crumbled to the floor and cried. i didn't know i had anymore crocodile tears, but apparently i did because in a matter of minutes, my entire face was wet. i had to leave to go home to be with my dogs (oh yes, that's plural) because that was the only connection i felt to my family away from me (including my husband in the east coast). stage 1 of the grieving process, denial, hit me hard and fast. i immediately went headstrong into stage 2 (anger) and blew-up at M on the phone. i lost my crap so fast over the phone, i don't even remember all the 'spoken vomit' i said (i think i may have said 'divorce' once or twice or thrice), except the meanest thing i've ever said to my husband (will not repeat...EVER!) to which i followed it up with a hang-up. i think our neighbors upstairs must've thought there was something going on 'domestically' because i was so blatantly loud in our duplex. i didn't talk to M until well into the next day. i apparently was still furious enough to go to bed without making-up with him.

lesson from #1. don't let the sun set on your anger (it's in the Bible, paraphrased of course. look it up)

#2. next thing to be upset about, was the 'split-up' of the family during thanksgiving. as long as i could remember (except for the 2 thanksgivings i spent in europe. i vetoed 'family time' for 'ex-boyfriend time' and boy, do i regret those choices), thanksgiving has always been our family's holiday to be together. eversince i started working in my early twenties, i've always known myself and my family members (being in the clinical world) to work christmas so that we could have thanksgiving and new year's off: thanksgiving for family and new year's for traveling or partying. as a family, we always had thanksgiving to look forward too...and black friday. this year, it would be just the 3 of us: dad, M + me. i missed my brothers and mom, but when was i suppose to act like a big girl and suck it up? crap happens. no need to be a big baby about it; but i still was. at least for a split second...or a little bit more.

lesson from #2. cherish all moments you share with family. there might not be a next time in this earth.

#3. it's hard being a 'new parent' all over again. i'm referring to puppy-rearing. i can't tell you how many times (earlier this month), i was so sleep-deprived from ellie's (the then-12-week-old lab puppy) constant barking and pissing and crapping EVERYWHERE! i thought i was going to lose my mind and sanity all in the same basket; but, i didn't. i found out that my threshold for barking tolerance can be higher, an ultrasonic bark detector is a must, and abruptly changing foods on a puppy may not be the smartest thing to do. as the days and weeks went by, ellie + i got use to a particular walk (crapping/pissing) + feeding schedules that would make both of us happier. or at least, me less sleep-deprived. i was getting to be an angry 'mother' and crazy wife, functioning on cleaning supply fumes and 2-hour sleeps, if ellie's settling-in period was going to take any longer. now, she makes some mistakes at times, but she's learning and loves bothering her older 'sibling,' chel-chel.

lesson from #3. puppies are wonderful additions to any family. as long as you have patience, love and lots of paper towels, you'll get by.

mommy's (me) view, walking the girls

#4. aside from finals this month (december), november is a toilet full of &%*^ when it comes to graduate school: everything is due! what the hell happened to mid-terms in october? i had only one exam in october and for some reason, the professors sensed that november (even with holiday break) would be an ideal time to put down the sledgehammer of homework assignments due. this is not the teachers' faults. it was the same way last year and i had different professors then. i blame the system. hell, i blame anything now because i'm realizing how much stuff i really had to do.

lesson from #4. don't start yelling at your husband if you were the one who procrastinated and decided to do your research, studying, and typing papers last minute. it's your own frackin' fault.

oh yes, just a number of the reasons why november blew, but i got through it alright: thanksgiving holiday was nice because i got to spend time with dad and learn how to make vegan meals (see link); my hubby + i made-up because i was finally leaving stage 2 of grieving; and i love ellie just as much as i heart chel-chel (it's a helluva lot). i just hope december won't be such a b...

HoneyMooN now a reality!

2011-11-06T09:05:00.000-08:00

"learn three languages??" M exclaimed and then paused. "i suppose i'll have to know how to say 'where's the bathroom' and 'i'm lost' in catalan spanish, french and italian."

M + i have finally booked our honeymoon and we are so pumped! after much deliberation, we have finally settled on a 7-day cruise in europe from spain to italy to france and then back to spain. we'll fly out from the WashinGton, dC area into BarceLona, sPain. after spending a day/night there, we board our ship, the NorWeGian EpiC (http://www2.ncl.com/cruise-ship/epic/overview), the next day to start on our journey down to the italian/french riveria and historic cities like NiCe, RomA, and FiRenZe (just to name a few).

7 day w. mediterranean cruise on NorWeGian EpiC (www.ncl.com)

M + i could not do a honeymoon after our wedding in mD back in MaRch because i had to be in class the following day in sT. LouiS. now, that we've saved our wedding present $$$ and our own savings, we have finally planned our honeymoon that will happen JuNe 2012, after my last yr of grad school. i've stockpiled travel books for the cities we'll be docking at, including the couple of days we'll be spending in barCeLona. i do have to brush up on my spanish and have enlisted M to learn the view 'key phrases' to always know in while in that country: "where's the bathroom?", "how much?", "i'm lost" and "my wife is always right." umm, the last phrase is of my own invention. :o) anyways, we're pretty psyched about taking this long-awaited trip and by all accounts, we're thinking that this is a honeymoon of a lifetime. GO 'Z TEAM'!!

weLcome to Z FamiLia, eLLie!

2011-11-05T12:22:00.000-07:00

Ellie Z. the newest member to our family @ 12 wks old

while in california last week, M + I adopted (more like, 'inherited' from my parents) this gorgeous 12-week-old yellow labrador puppy. after struggling with names (initially it was 'LJ' to rep the first letters of my parents' names), but then settled with the name 'ellie,' compliments from a trusted family source (grazie, D!). she's joining her older sister, cheL-cheL, here in our Z household in 'the Lou' this coming WednesDay, via flight. so if you happen to be in the STL airport on wednesdaY evening and see this adorable cutie-patootie running around in cargo pick-up waiting for me, she's our newest lil' buddy (what M loves to call her).
welcome to our family, ellie! love, daddy + mommy + 'older sis' chel-chel Z.

HalloWeen tWenTy-eLeVen

2011-11-05T12:03:00.000-07:00

"Yo! Justin's in the HOUSE!!!" someone called out at a HalloWeen house party we attended...i think it was one of the filipino guys dressed as a banged-up maNNy PaCquiao.

during the last week of October, M + I met up in San JoSe (flying in from dC and ‘the LoU, respectively) to visit my parents and youngest bro, D. M took some extra time off for a 4-day weekend, while i was planning to stay for almost 8 days. The initial plan for this time period was for me to fly out to dC for the aMericaN PubLic health association (APHA) annual meeting and to extend my trip to spend time with my hubby; but DaD was to have his extensive surgery (see White Elephant blog) during that time and we wanted to be supportive: emotionally, mentally and physically. plus, i wanted to make sure the surgery ward nurses were taking awesome care of DaD. being a nurse myself, that was a priority for me.

M wanted to come out to SJ as well so that we could at least be together for a portion of the time i was off from grad school. plus, for the last 3 HaLLoWeeNs, we’ve always celebrated together. such a morbid holiday to mark as milestones in our relationship; but we’ve had some kick-butt costumes in the past: for the 1^st year we dated, he went as 'me at work' (black wig, eyeliner, and blue scrubs screaming for my sTarbucks green tea latte) and i went as that crazy homicidal japaNese school girl on Kill BiLL, No. 1. last year, M was a YeTi (a hiMaLayan snow monster, a costume we made) and i was a TiBetaN girl (legitimate attire that i had tailored by legitimate TibetAn refugee women when i lived in NePaL).

ScaRy YeTi, circa HalloWeen 2010

this year, we had to top whatever we have done in the past, since this was our 1st H-WeeN as a married couple. you have my permission to continue to laugh at how ridiculous we are with this gothic tradition. i don't really care, especially since we've had so much fun playing 'dress-up.'

a couple weeks before we were to come to northern CaLi, D thought it would be nice for M + I to take a break from being stressed out at the hospital every day and thinking about cancer, so he invited us to his coworker's H-Ween party the holiday weekend we'd both be in CaLi. when i told M, there was only one answer: hells yeah!

the week before HalloWeen weekend, M + I looked online for ideas for possible couple's costumes. D said that it would be okay if we didn’t dress-up, but really…? what kind of house guests would we be?? LAME. so as not to embarrass D (since he was already going-all-out in making his ‘300’ SpArTan costume), M + I racked our brains to figure it out. then, we found it: jusTin BieBer + tween fan. perfecto! we ordered a wig, a JB fan t-shirt, and biEber concert VIP faux passes online and prayed that it would arrive in CA on-time for the party. the FriDay before the party, M + I visited the local saLvaTion ArMy in SaN JoSe (lucky for us, it was ‘50% off friDaY') and promptly found our bieber-like kicks (for him & i) as well as a crazy purple t-shirt. cost = $5.00. then we ventured to the local TarGet to pick up some colorful jelly hair bands and siLLyBanDz look-alikes to complete my costume as a JB tween fan. it was soooo much fun dressing-up like i was 14 y.o. (i had forgotten, so thank GoD for GooGLe images) and dancing the night away with my bieber-wigged husband, bro, and new friends.

HaLLoWeen 2011: JusTin bieBeR + tween fan

everyone's costumes were fabulous: a lady dressed up as a transvestite prostitute (including 5 o'clock shadow and 'package' outline through her tight skirt); a typical psychiatric patient in the ER (mismatched shoes and histrionic make-up on) and a paramedic escort who brought her in; an EgYpTiaN pharoaH couple; and 'daY of the DeaD' gypsies (looked like a make-up artist did their faces because it was very gothic HOT!).

the H-WeeN weekend flew by too quickly. but we got to spend some time with the family as well as our own 'alone time.' M + I took advantage of our 'alone time': we discovered a new personal favorite sushi joint, cHa cHa SuShi, in siLicon VaLLey (aka SaN JoSe); people-watched from a street bench during halloWeeN night as parents brought their kiddies out to trick'o'treat in NoE VaLLey after having dinner at BarNey's GouRmeT hamBurGers; walked the beach park in aLamEdA isLand in the EasT baY; and drank as much PeeT's coffee we could find.

fun was to be had even for a short while, during a more somber reason for our CaLi visit. i'm lucky to have M in my life: he still wants to hold my hand when i'm struggling to keep my '*&%! together' while sitting beside DaD's hospital bed and still manages to make me LOL when busting out some BieBeR moves in his look-alike wig and ridonkulous kicks. M reminds me of the importance of balance in life: crap happens to all of us, it's how we deal with it that defines who we are as human beings. being in a long-distance marriage during a time like this (e.g., school, family sickness) is no walk in the park; but the man in my life continues to give me cuddles when i need it and almost tinkle in my panties because i'm laughing so hard. me: "honey?? where's my spare pair?!" that's marriage.

hanging pictures: epic failure & simple lessons learned

2011-10-23T19:43:00.000-07:00

i can be a prick. i am (sometimes) a nag...and 'bloody difficult.' i will not lie about that. especially when it comes to 'type A' duties like, hanging picture frames straight or washing dishes. case in point, was when M and i were trying to hang our blown-up framed photo of us over our bed. the picture itself is 24"x28" in dimensions. include a matte and frame, it's pretty big. and heavy. we've been trying to hang this frame for several weeks now, but every time we've tried, one of those 3M won't-damage-your-wall/paint hanging contraptions are set-up, the frame falls onto our queen-size bed after staying on the wall for a max of 2.5 minutes. utter failure. i was so frustrated with our past and present attempts of trying to get this picture to hang, i was beyond a basic married woman's nit-picking. i was asking (wait. i think it was more of a demand) my husband in a very stern, "loud," voice that i wanted the picture to not be crooked and he "wasn't helping much by standing there."

i'm an utter fool. M was the smart one to be calm and not lose his crap when the darn frame kept on falling onto our bed. i, on the other hand, was beside myself. i felt like there was a tally score with an inanimate object and i was losing: 5:0, picture frame leading. M just set the frame down next to our bed and cleaned-up quietly. in a few minutes after my anger dissipated towards M & that frame, i realized how foolish i was being and my kind husband had to remind me of an important lesson: by his example, i realized i was letting such a stupid thing (e.g., hanging a picture) get the best of me and my cool. its a wonder how i get passed the frustration of an awful alarm clock sound or too many crazy sT. LouiS drivers or how bad coffee can ruin a day; but 'perfectly' hanging a picture frame would get me so riled-up.

man oh man, does marriage and M have so much to teach me about being human and realizing that most stuff i fret about IS stupid. RATS! i was hoping that i would've gotten the hang of marriage by now. literally.

weekend reunions & homemade gnocchi

2011-10-19T19:48:00.000-07:00

our family @ the beach~summer 2011

this weekend is one of our "visitation weekends": when our little family can be together for several hours. 67.5 hours, to be exact. M flies in tomorrow and our doggie (& moi) are so psyched to see him. plans for go-kart races, Da VinCi machines exhibit, a birthday picnic, homemade meals and tons of TLC. you now have permission to salivate, thinking about the gnocchi from scratch and the checkered-flag exhilaration on the go-kart lanes.

i'm trying to not be the biggest complainer, but why can't i have these "visitations" happen every day?? i miss my husband and i'm officially doing a countdown until when his plane lands...12.50 hours. doggie doesn't know it, but she's doing the countdown too.

newlywed wish: morning breath kisses every day

2011-10-16T10:50:00.000-07:00

i have a kick-ass husband. we've been doing this every-two-week-visit schedule while we've been apart (me here in the midWest for studies and he back in DC for work) during my Fall semester of graduate school. it's not been ideal (i hate the schedule because we don't wake up to each other everyday) but we do the best we can. in light of everything going on in my own health and Dad's health, M has been my sounding board, my shoulder to cry on, and my tangible fortress. recently, i had to change my travel plans for the end of the month: instead of attending a DC conference and seeing M, i am now going to CA to help out my parents during Dad's recovery. M has also changed his travel plans and scheduled a few days off from work to make that horrific (for him) transcontinental flight from the east coast to the west coast to help out and visit. he's been the most understanding person in the "madness" i've experienced these past few months. how the heck did i get lucky with such an amazing and understanding husband?

we've been doing this couples' devotional, Love Dare, on Gchat and its been amazing for our newlywed life together and keeping ourselves strong in our long-distance marriage. this week's dare has been focused on making sure we do something unexpected and thoughtful for each other. it's kind of hard when we're 800+ miles apart, but we get 'A' for effort. he's coming to me for an extended weekend visit this week, so we'll make a valiant effort to make-up for lost time apart. his visits seem so short and quick: i count hours we have together as a couple (i've labeled 'M time' on my iCal) and try not to cry every time i watch him disappear in the TSA lines at the airport, heading on his flight back to the east coast.

it's been a little over 8 months since we got married. most of that time has been spent apart because of work/school. it's not want i've wanted, but i suppose we sacrifice for what we want in the long-run. i'm the biggest baby when it comes to time apart, while M has tried to be the "manly man" and not complain about it. but i see it in his eyes: it blows for him, not having his wifey see him come home every day. one day, it'll be a reality. then, we can wake up each day, give each other a good morning kiss and then complain about morning breath. i wish for those days to come.

long-distance marriage BLOWS!

2011-09-03T05:17:00.000-07:00

here we go again. after a summer of living together as hubby & wifey in dC, we are now (again) subjected to the idea of long-distance marriage. really??!? it's not the finest idea but it apparently seems the most logical and "best" scenario for us now, as i continue & finish my schooling in the STL. it's as if we're dating once more yet more complicated: we still have our marital spats (the usual suspects: what's the budget, what are we going to do about our "child" a.k.a. doggie during this ordeal, and sometimes about "why didn't you tell me i had a stain on my shirt?") but it just doesn't seem fair when we conduct these kinds of args over g-chat video or on the phone. M makes me LOL when i've become to frustrated with him during an argument that i completely fizzle out. at least my fire-cracker attitude does.

but back to the long-distance marriage, highlighting the fact that we're newlyweds. if this was a faCeBooK status, i wish there were a "dislike" button with a thumbs-down picture i could keep pressing again and again. it's bogus that we have to live this way, but i'm beginning to fight it less and work with it more. the situation stinks more than i can pinch my nose, but we (or at least i) are beginning to deal with it. it's just a shame that he's not the person i see when i enter the newly occupied unit in one of STL's most beautiful living areas. the fact that our doggie CC isn't with me either, adds salt to the wound. i'm lonely without my little family here. granted, i AM busy with my responsibilities locally and nationally (let's not forget full-time graduate studies and leadership commitments), but it's just not fair (complain, complain, i know) that we are subjected to being a fragmented family. we are going to try to see each other every 2 weeks (whether he comes here or i fly back to dC). if anyone have any other suggestions on how we can keep ourselves (or me) on the upbeat about being in a long-distance marriage, i'm totally open to suggestions. realistic ones, please.

“They Got Married So Soon…Preggers?” Umm…Really??

2011-05-07T16:01:00.000-07:00

Most of us consider ourselves realists, especially the ladies of our generation. Well, yes: We do watch those romance “chic flicks” in hopes that we can keep the dream alive of having the fairy tale courtship, falling in-love, and –lest we forget—the magical wedding. We ladies grew spoon-fed on the make-believe stories of handsome princes and knights in shining armor to rescue us sleeping beauties and Cinderellas. Then we grew up. Started dating in our teens. And in our twenties-or-so, we realized the awful truth of dating and falling in-love: It’s not all that’s cracked-up to be. Or true love didn’t exist like it did when our parents fell hopelessly into each other’s arms (30+ years ago) and promised each other “till death do us part.” We began to understand why the divorce rates became closely apparent when are our high school besties and our college sorority sisters got married and watched their marriages fall apart in a matter of months, years, and sometimes days. Sadly, all this and the current media reminded us how fallible our visions of fairy tale romances erred. After college, we drifted into our professional careers and casual relationships with so-called open eyes, beginning to think that marriage was an open, not-so-sacred, financial and emotional arrangement: you scratch my back while I scratch yours. We started dating like it didn’t matter as much to lead into courtship as much as it mattered that we had a good time, had a good dinner, and spent time with a guy that we thought was “alright.”

I was one of those girls. As I embarked on my career in DC and into the next stage of adulthood (post-college years), I remember having countless conversations with cousins, girlfriends, and colleagues of how pointless dating had become. The “dating game” seemed like a bunch of ups-and-downs, with twisty bends, just like a rollercoaster. We fell in pseudo-love and fell out of it just as quickly. We would get flowers one night before dinner and a break-up call the next. Some of us watched our friends get pregnant, realize that their S.O. (or significant other) was a cheat and didn’t want anything to do with the child. We attended numerous weddings of family and friends, later realizing that things were painted to seem “magical,” once we saw the divorce papers issued just months after that supposedly special day. In our twenties, we saw the rise and fall of what we thought were beautiful relationships and dismissed those who claimed they had found “the one.” We went into our dating with armored hearts, vowing to each other that we would be untouched by this mystical thing called “love” and snag “the best that is still left out there.” We became cynical and hardened in our dating relationships, while we still carried a torch (and a box of Kleenex) for the sappy love movies that we continued to torture ourselves with on cable TV or DVR. Were we confused in our search for the right guy to date? Most likely. Did we think that the true devotion that our grandparents and parents talked about existed anymore? We kinda hoped. Would we be able to tell the difference between real and faux love? Sadly, we rarely do. Because of this, I present myself as the case for one who has made loads of accusations against the power of true and lasting happiness and in the end, the one who stands corrected in her thoughts and ways.

I say all this because recently, I was blatantly asked that interestingly hilarious yet serious question: Are you and MZ pregnant? Some close friends at grad school alerted me of the false (the urine test tells you that) conceptions of other colleagues in their evaluations upon receiving news of my marriage, just months after my engagement. The colleagues’ logical-so-they-thought-explanation of my “quick” wedding to the man I love, was that we had gotten pregnant and needed a shotgun wedding to cover-up our mistake. My friends retorted to these unbelievers with the fact that I had fallen in-love with a man I had dated for 2 years and we knew it was right. “Shotgun” or not, we wanted to get married sooner rather than later, my friends responded. Upon receiving news of these questions from acquainted colleagues (I refuse to call them friends if they are not ballsy enough to ask me themselves) from my friends, I laughed. Out loud. What else could possibly be my reaction when MZ and I know the truth? My initial thoughts were that my colleagues in school had thought I had gotten pregnant because I had gained a few pounds during the months preceding the wedding. I think that hurt the most: I had gained 5-8 pounds since my eating/exercise habits were not on par considering my hectic graduate school schedule and planning our wedding at a destination location. Then when I was told of the real reason why these people asked the question of my fertility was because I had married “so quickly.” Was I supposed to stay engaged until these naysayers thought it was the appropriate time to get married? Maybe if I was twenty-something, I would’ve been grieved and so concerned about my approval ratings. But I’m not a young co-ed who is naïve and cares too much about what people (especially those who do not know me at all) think: I do what I want and NOW, what is best for my husband and I. To clear the air on this matter: I AM NOT FRACKIN’ PREGGERS. Good. Glad that’s out. Not that I would be against it if we were right now; but it’s not now. Not that I owe anyone an explanation either; but it just feels good to be absolutely clear.

The reason why I share this with the blogger world is this: When have we, as young adults, become so brazen, so cynical, so hardened, that we cannot accept other people’s judgments of falling in-love on its own merit? Why can’t we, as women, accept it as truth when our friends find “the one” and rejoice in their happiness? Have we become so blinded by our own ideals, misconceptions, and lack of dating sincerity, to realize that people are allowed to experience their own “fairy tale” love stories and get married in their own timetable? Who made us (yes, I say “us” because I was once one of those naysayers) the living authority to judge when or how people should fall in-love and to what degree their love genuine? Have we been so infatuated with our own selves to not allow others the support and sincere well wishes that happy couples deserve from us, when they finally find their counterparts in this life? Have we been overtly saturated in our own miserable dating habits to realize how hard-ass we’ve become, to question someone else’s reason for making a life-long, love-encompassed decision such as marriage? Sad to see and experience firsthand, why yes: our generation (or mostly, the generation after mine since most of my colleagues are at least 7 years younger than I) has become of such mindsets.

I love MZ. I have loved him since we our first date on a warm, DC spring day. He means more to me than anything in this world. He is “my one,” that took me hundreds of pointless dates to find. So does it really matter how long it took between our engagement and our wedding day? Heck no. To all those naysayers of lasting, vibrant, and true love: read this and weep, because your day (of finding your “one”) will come. It did for me.

SendinG "ThanK yoU" cards is NOT Synonymous with GraTiTude

2011-04-10T14:49:00.000-07:00

the wedding's done. the gown & veils are put in their bags to the back of the closet. the wedding cake's top tier is in the freezer. the wedding gifts have accumulated. now, we have thank-you or TY cards to do. lots of them.
"thanks for the wonderful gift"..."thank-you for your generous gift"..."we appreciate the beautiful present." thank you for this. thanks for that. after awhile, writing these words in various, unique ways for over a hundred wedding gift-givers, they all become the same: the individual handwritten notes, the numerous boxes of thank-you cards, the numerous stamps bought. then it becomes redundant, impersonal, and--let's be honest--a pain. that's when we newlyweds forget an important basis of each thank-you card: humble & genuine gratitude.
let me tell you how MZ & i kept it as our primary goal (being grateful), even more important than buying expensive stationery or getting those fancy-schansy "wedding stamps" from the post office.
weeks before our wedding day, we started receiving wedding gifts, shipped either to my home in sT. LouiS or MZ' flat in aleXandRia, vA. most of the gifts were sent to me and so we opened them together via gChaT video. during these months, we kept close tabs of who gave & what was given (brides: take careful not of unique aspects of the gift to mention in your card). we hand-wrote each of our TY cards on beautifully-embossed cards & sent them quickly after we received the gifts (another note: timely TY cards are good). we wanted to stay on top of our "gratitude notes" so that everyone who gave--whether they could attend the wedding or not--would know their kindness was noted & kindly received. i realized how important this was after attending numerous bridal showers and weddings.
i'm not a fan of the pre-made, preprinted TY cards that are out there. i made an effort to look at registries, pick out gifts, pay for them, & ship or bring them to the wedding or shower. i remembered how i felt when i got those pre-printed cards: impersonal, unnoticed, & unappreciated. what those pre-made typed cards said to me was "thanks for giving the gift but i didn't have time to write that on a piece of paper addressing you or the gift." but when the bride or groom took the time to write me something in their perfect cursive or chicken-scratch, it made me feel noticed. that MY gift got their attention, irregardless if they liked it or not. they were grateful. and as a past wedding guest and shower attendee, that means a lot.
i understand, everyone's busy & things can get hairy especially before, during, & after the wedding is done. i get it; but making time to simply write out a personal note--even if its barely legible--tells the gift-giver that you cared enough to do just that: write their name and your gratitude. you may not have said "thank you" a million times over in your card to them, but the receiver gets the point: in your own words, you are grateful. and how about those wedding couples who never bothered to send TY cards/notes? don't get me started on what that construes: carelessness, thoughtlessness, & definitely ingratitude for the gift. it's happened to me before & trust me: they shouldn't be expecting a baby shower gift. my tolerance for "i'm-too-busy-to-say-thanks" mentality is very low & that goes for weddings as well.
bride & groom please note: "never underestimate the power of a hand-written note."

TWO anniversary dates...why not??!?

2011-04-05T20:25:00.000-07:00

all because of a dating site IM, star treK movie, & a plane ticket to sT. louiS, i married my best friend, MZ...TWICE. why, yes, i have two anniversaries. nothing better than that, except having to remember more dates. and we thought it was only a "guy thing."

the husband (MZ) & i met almost 2 years ago while we both lived in the waShingtoN, dC area. nothing too dramatic at the beginning. it was only suppose to be another one of those killing-me-slowly-kind-of-online-dating first dates. it was memorial day weekend, a humid saturday night, and nothing to do. wanted to see a movie but wasn't so sure if i wanted to go alone. soooo, i had this online dating profile (won't tell you which dating site, becuz i'd need to get paid before that happens) and decided to see what was going on. honestly, i was going to read some of the success stories of online dating, in hopes that osmosis would take place and i'd actually meet a great guy. wasn't happening lately. bummer. until i got this IM from this guy (MZ) i had never communicated with on the online site. we bantered with the typical small-talk that happens on dating sites ("how are you?" "what are you up to?" "can we e-mail each other?"). i wasn't too excited at first: maybe it was the fact MZ was 2 years younger than me (i had preferred older guys) or that i was going to cancel my profile on the site or i had the holiday weekend off (i'm in healthcare and it's rare) and nothing to do. all my previous dates from the site had ended-up with any of the following types of men: desperate boys, womanizers, whiners, sex-addicts, or non-committers. i was over it when MZ had IM'd me. within 5 minutes, i gave him my number (side note: never, ever do, ladies!) and we talked for another 15 on the phone. in under an hour, we met at the movie theater to see "star trek" the movie. not an ideal 1st date, but it worked.

we dated for a year...then it ended. abruptly. i could tell you all the not-so-pleasant things that happened to cause it to end, but i won't. it just wasn't pleasant. then i moved away late last summer from the eastern seaboard and started graduate school in sainT LouiS. i had begun seeing someone else during the summer in dC and continued the relationship long-distance when i moved to the miDwesT; but it got rocky soon after i moved. it just wasn't going to work out. it was going to end but i wasn't exactly sure how i was going to do it or how i was going to cope with another break-up: TWO failed relationships in 2010. i was over getting hurt or being sad. so i did the next best thing: i ignored and avoided the impending future, so i stayed in the relationship. call me pathetic, but i just wanted to make it to 1.1.11 without everyone who saw my love life as an epic failure in adult relationships. i just wanted to survive the year out and then make the decision to end it later.

since MZ & i had such a bitter break-up, we had not communicated to each other for months. he had no idea where i was at. then sepTemBer rolled around and it was MZ' birthday. so i sent him a two-liner email wishing him a happy birthday and happiness. that was it. MZ emailed & called back (couldn't believe he still had my number), but never got a hold of me till later that week. a 3-hr phone conversation w/ MZ led to him buying a plane ticket to 'the Lou' (what we affectionately call sainT LouiS out here) to see me that weekend. his goal was simple: to win me back. MZ hates flying with a passion. if he could, he would've done the steamboat from the baLtimoRe harBor along the easT coasT, around fLorida, & up the miSSiSSippi RiveR to sT. LouiS if he could. it's amazing he even came (on a plane), fully knowing that i was in a serious relationship with someone else.

again, that ocTobeR weekend was eye-opening. MZ' visit showed what a hard-ass i can be sometimes: i avoided every conversation that involved the former "us" and tried to keep it light and shallow. a total "guy move" from me, but MZ meant business, so he brought it up during a time i couldn't avoid it. let's just say his persistence is admirable (boys, take note) and his sincerity was golden. but i wasn't going to budge: we were never going to get back together. when i took him to the airport, MZ knew that there was no chance for us. ever. until the point i watched him disappear into the sea of people going through TSA checks, i realized my face was wet: i was crying. i didn't realize what those tears meant at the time. but then i figured it out soon after. in less than 2 weeks from that moment, i ended my relationship w/ PouTer (my ex- now). took some time, but MZ & i got back together.

fast forward to now: we got engaged during thankSgivinG weekend last year while visiting my folks out in CaLifoRnia and found my wedding dress the next day. we went through our civil ceremony on my father's birthday in FeBruarY and we had our wedding ceremony on the first day of spring this year. it's been a whirlwind, mind you. but a beautiful tornado at least.

if you had asked me TWO years ago that i would be married (TWICE: the civil then the church) now, i would've said you were smokin' crack. i was satisfied being singleton and "serial dater" for awhile. but now, almost 60 days into it, i've traded in my "miss" status to be a "missus." this, my friends, is my journey into the beautiful unknown...and i'm loving it.