Turning 'I' into FAM'I'LY..

YES

2015-01-28T18:07:00.003+00:00

It was a yes. 8 people sat around a large table in what must have been the hottest room in England at that time and debated for 3 minutes. And then they said.. yes.

That's when I cried. Actually not quite then. It was when we got the feedback, but I'll come back to that.

The time of our "hearing" haha was 1.30pm and it was roughly 2 hrs away. So obviously we set off at 9.30am! You know.. just in case. As you would expect we were ridiculously early. We parked up and walked into town to have brunch and my goodness did we make that pizza last!

We went to the office and met with our Social Worker. She told us what would happen and we made terrible small talk, in a pretty typical "social services" room, whilst the nerves set in. We met her at 12.30 and she told us she'd be called in at 1pm to answer a few questions.

20 mins late the lovely Chair came out and said that they were sorry for keeping us but some information was missing! Our SW went out and we were left to royally panic for another 30 mins.

All the time I had thoughts of our lovely SW getting all the panel members in a headlock until they agreed to approve us! In my mind, the longer they took, the more they must have been arguing over whether or not we were fit for purpose.

The next thing we know, the Chair came out and then the SW ran past the door! PANIC! The Chair confirmed my worst fears.. no way are we getting approved.
Just kidding :) Apparently they couldn't find references from the places we have been volunteering with children and through our SW has said they were great, they were sticklers and wanted to see them for themselves.

They finally called us in. Wooooweee was that a scary moment! Opening the door into a room with a massive table surrounded by 8 scary faces. They had to shut the window because of the traffic and as a result, as the afternoon wore on it get hotter and hotter..

The 3 of us were sat close together at one end whilst they proceeded to bombard us with questions. They had worked them all out in advance and wanted to ask them in a specific way (though they changed that as we gave some of our answers). They wanted to know first how we found the process, which was the easy one.

And then it started.. they wanted to know first of all about our housing. We rent and they wanted to know if the landlord would be happy for us to stay there longer. They asked us why we wanted to adopt.. If you've read the blog, you'll know that one's a big one! But we managed to get through and I had to stifle a sob towards the end haha.

They asked my husband about his sister and his relationship with her. He got quite a bit of stick actually bless him, but I think he answered the only way he could. There was an adopter and someone who had been adopted and I can't remember which it was, but they really battered him over the head about it. They seemed to be digging for him to say that he felt differently, or that he noticed things about her, or something related to the fact that she's adopted. But a) he's a bloke... he doesn't say much generally and b) he has known her since she was 8 months and he was 7. She is his sister. The End. Yes he is aware that she is adopted but he doesn't analyse everything she says or does in case it's adoption related. He doesn't think about it. He feels no different. He could tell they wanted more but genuinely didn't know how to answer. Our SW was amazing and stepped in and said, the fact that he feels no difference is why he's struggling to give them what they wanted. I think at one point, he said he didn't care that she was adopted. They were very upset about that! He may not care, but his sister would care. Of course that's not at all what he meant, but they took from it that he was a bit naive about identity.

More questions... and then it was over. Think we were about half an hour. It FELT like the whole day. Then we went and waited back in the little room.. we waited. And in under 5 minutes the Chair came out. Thank Gods, before she was all the way in the door she gave us the news. Unanimous yes...

The shock! We hoped.. well I hoped. My husband being that kind of guy "knew it" apparently but he certainly looked nervous before we went in! The lovely Chair said that before we went in that had some concerns. Young, newish relationship that hasn't had to face adversity (though we have individually, just not together), the fact that we have chosen and aren't coming to it after years of fertility treatment... but after meeting us they were very happy. The feedback was actually quite wonderful. She said some lovely things about us which I can't repeat here. I would sound like one of those trumpet blowers and I'd make myself cry lol. But cry I did.. when she told us that they thought a child would be lucky to be placed with us, I'd held it off for long enough. Sobbed lol. Proper hands in face job.. how embarrassing! :)

We drove home in near silence.. after 9 months of assessment.. we did it.

We bloody did it!

The single the weirdest thing we've ever done!

2014-11-08T11:13:00.004+00:00

Recently we went to an Activity Day.

It was the single the weirdest thing I've ever done.

Firstly I must say the set up was just amazing. The children clearly enjoyed themselves.. there was the magician from Mr Tumble and a disco (they ALL knew how to dance Gangnam Style! Too cute.). It was lovely from that perspective and went some way towards my initial fear that they would all seem sad and helpless and that I'd want to walk out with every single one of them.

But that aside.. even now it's difficult to describe how I felt. There was a briefing, which was useful. It just focused the mind on what was going on there and it was good to know the "rules of engagement". For example, you should try and play with all of the children. But not for too long! About 20 mins otherwise they may start to get expectations and there may be prospective adopters that have come specifically to see that child. We looked at each 10 mins in and both said at the same time.. "This is just weird". So after about 20 minutes, it was time to go meet them.

I FREAKED OUT!

It's amazing isn't it. I'm a pretty together person considering. Take things in my stride. And when I want something I throw myself into it. Like the most amazing thing I may ever do - adopt. I've read about it. Talked about it. Been to conferences and informative evenings. Training. More reading. More talking. Talking to parents of birth children. Talking to people who were adopted. People who have adopted. More reading. Writing. But it's all abstract isn't it. It suddenly dawned on me that after YEARS of talking and longing.. It was still a step removed from the reality of it. And then there you are, about to meet 50 children that are looking for a forever family. Some more aware than others. With varying forms of delay or disability. Some having had the worst experiences. And the thoughts that go through your mind are just crazy.

What if we find one we want to take home?
What if we find FOUR we want to take home??
What if we meet a sibling group and I like one and hubby likes the other and we don't like both?
What if we fall in love but they hate us?
What if there is no one there that we feel we could give a home to?
What if we don't make a good impression with the social workers?
Worse - what if we don't make a good impression with the Family Finders who we're likely to come across again??
What if we do meet someone but there's another prospective there that they like more?
Or what if we don't get chance to actually play with them because there's so many of them?
What if it turns out we're rubbish at "playing"?
Should we have dressed up too!? (People dress up! It took me 2hrs to strike enough of a balance between yummy and mummy before I could leave the house as it was!)

Like I said.. crazy.

It was just so overwhelming emotionally, we both really struggled. And it's amazing how mindful you are of the other adopters and not wanting to hig a child in case they've come here especially. One man who had been doing some crafts with this girl, even turned to me and asked if I was waiting...

Hubby hated it. The format. The thought of having to "perform" in such a forced setting. So after I'd finished freaking out and was ready to grow a pair and get stuck in, he had a go :-)

But. We stayed. And we played - a bit. We talked to a few SWs and it was ok. And after a few hours, we left quite shell shocked. Thank goodness our SW was there! We'd have left after 5 minutes otherwise, but it was good to be able to chat through how we were feeling with her.

Now, some time later after a lot of reflection we decided on the whole it was actually a positive experience.

For one thing, we've not got a clearer idea of the age/sex etc. that we'd like to adopt. But more than anything, it made us more clear about the fact that we can't pigeon-hole ourselves. Because when you see the child playing, it makes you think differently about a physical disability that on paper might have put you off. We feel much more now that we have to be open to considering most things because regardless of a condition, a delay, a type of abuse.. there so many other things that impact how they will settle and whether they would settle with us. How many moves have they had? WHEN as the abuse? When did they go to foster carers? What did they experience that they're sibling may or may not have? What is known? How much is unknown? It made us think again about ethnicity, etc. It made us think again seriously about older children and siblings. Which in turn has made us look into the experiences of others in those areas.

We though a lot of these things before but it's only when playing with actual children does it become more REAL and we do feel that little bit more informed because of it.

I would recommend anyone do it pre-panel when the expectations are a teensy bit lower.

Because next time.. and we will go again - but next time we'll be going to meet specific children hopefully and if we took nothing else from it, at least we won't be having to deal with the emotional roller-coaster of meeting our future family at the same time as dealing with all the emotions of it being our first Activity Day!

Telling fate to do one..

2014-10-19T17:24:00.003+01:00

As we get closer to The Big Day along with others in our online network, I've been asking around as to who's started buying stuff.

The general consensus seems to be that we can't possibly. Part of the reasons make sense.. not knowing the age or sex obviously makes it difficult. But our age range is relatively narrow and the sex is a cert for us so why wouldn't we? Fate apparently. Fate is the reason people thing we're slightly mad.

So I thought about it. And got slightly panicked actually. What if we ARE tempting fate. What if by buying that GAWJUS Mamas & Papas long cream coat (totally impractical but SO cut) before we're approved, we completely ruin our chances. Who is this bloody "fate" anyway and why are they picking on us!?

I looked it up.

tempt fate/providence

1. to do something which involves a risk and may cause something unpleasant to happen I always feel it's tempting fate to leave the house without an umbrella.

2. to cause bad luck for yourself by talking too confidently about a situation It's probably tempting fate to say so, but I haven't had a cold all year.

And THEN I found this study which is so interesting! It's a whole study on "why people are afraid to comment on a streak of success if they reject the notion

that the universe punishes such modest acts of hubris. Why so many people feel that it's more likely to rain if they don’t bring their umbrella or that a maddeningly slow checkout line at the supermarket is likely to speed up the moment they leave it in search of a speedier line." It's quite amazing really.. we can send people to the moon, fly in planes, microsurgery! Yet in such an enlightened world, so many people don’t believe in fate but refuse to tempt it.

There is a risk in me buying that coat. The risk is, it won't get used for longer than I anticipate. And by the time Lily comes home it'll be winter and she'll have grown out of it. In which case I know 2 little girls who I'd love to give it to! Of course it might not fit, she might be older than we're expecting but on that basis I'd have to be a bit of an idiot and have bought one for a 2 yr old when I know we could adopt up to 4yrs.

The risk isn't that it won't get used at all because we won't get approved. Or find her. Because that's the level of unpleasantness people seem to punish themselves with isn't it. It might not get used by Lily for the reasons above, but it won't go to waste. It won't STOP us from being approved. That would suggest that by being too confident about our approval, fate will consciously step in and cause havoc. It also suggests that luck will have anything to do with it. It won't. It might be luck who we get on the panel and whether they "like" us. But to a certain extent they don't have to. Our SW does and she's writing the report. If the report says we're "good enough" they can't turn us down because of a personality clash.

Are you shaking your head at my naivety? :-) That's ok. I'm not religious. I'm not superstitious. So maybe it's different for me. But to DH and I.. we know the only thing that is going to stand in our way of being approved is.. well us. We are working as hard as we possibly can to be the best candidates we can be. The reading, the research, the experience, the assessment.. we're not doing anything by halves (our wedding got planned in less than 3 months and it was not short on amazing!). And if God's forbid the system is so ridiculous that a personality clash would get in the way of us being able to give a good home to a child that needs it well.. we'll just have to do it again won't we. Another day, in front of another panel if that's what it takes. Second opinions, appeals, complaints even if we have to. WE'RE doing this. Fate doesn't have a part to play in this chapter of our lives. Phew! Panic over.

Guess what arrived today....

Okay.. a boring but unnecessary evil. We've got our health & safety assessment coming up so thought we better be prepared to prove we've got a plan!

How about this then...? :-D

Panel Date

2014-10-09T17:18:00.002+01:00

A date at last. Not just any date.. the day before my birthday.

Will I be celebrating.. commiserating? Will everything come crashing down on us on that day, or will it be the start of the end of our journey.

It's probably not too healthy to pin so much on one date but who can not? On that day I will be sitting in a room with Lily's Dad in front of maybe 8 people. There may be adopters, adoptees, social workers, health professionals or all of the above and they will decide. They will decide whether they think we're going to be "good enough" parents for their looked after children. Or not.

Okay, okay.. it won't be that bad I know!

Thinking about it leaves me slightly breathless though. I know it's not the end of the journey. We then have to go through a successful matching process with yet another panel and then some months after Lily comes home, the legal process begins. But it's been a long time coming and when they say yes.. because I have to believe they will, it will mean more than just "yes". It will mean that despite everything, they know what we know...

I can't wait.

A home for a child..

2014-10-03T21:12:00.000+01:00

@worldadoptionday @adopttogether

facebook.com/WorldAdoptionDay

world adoption day

I don't usually go out of my way to promote things and rarely fund raise. Not least of all because I feel people will contribute in their own way themselves if they really want to and I hate the idea of someone giving out of guilt.

Anyone going through the adoption process will know what an absolute roller-coaster it is. You're eyes get opened very very wide to the "system" and it's people. Those involved in removing children and finding them homes. You are exposed to the situation. The sheer numbers. And worst of all, the beautiful faces. So now I'm taking up my mantle and having a good shout..

That's why I'm so proud to have become an Ambassador for World Adoption Day and will be fundraising for AdoptionUK (an invaluable resource for families before and after adoption!) throughout November in support of National Adoption Week.

national adoption week

We've come so far since the 70s. Even though by then we had stopped taking orphans from workhouses in return for food and lodgings, it was still the end of a stretch of maybe 20 years which laid the foundation for the adoption "industry" and the commodification of babies.

Adoption then was focused on the interests of the adopters and in finding a child for a home. With sometimes horrific cruelty, it was socially acceptable to remove babies from unsupported, vulnerable and powerless pregnant young girls and women in order to create families that were supposedly physically, psychologically and economically better placed to look after them.

Today's adoption for the most part is a different story. There is a reason why people looking for healthy newborn babies can have a very long wait. There aren't any. And as sorry as I feel for anyone that wants that and that only.. I'm glad. Arguably, I appreciate that maybe the balance has tipped too far the wrong way. In some cases there are children that will suffer more through being left with unsuitable parents whilst society tries to support them only to be removed later when it will cause more damage. But there must still be a vast number that do go onto to raise their children themselves well enough, with the support they wouldn't have had 50 years ago. Maybe we'll never get it totally right but what I do know is, though the process today is long and some may say cruel in a different way.. the fact is the emphasis is now on the child, whose needs are paramount and that's the way it should be. No longer a child for a home but a home for a child.

And that's partly why it's so important to me and by extension my husband. Children really are the future (to paraphrase THE cheesiest song ever) and we should be doing everything we can to look after them. We talk about the atrocities that are happening around the world. In Africa, Syria, Iraq.. we go about with our noses high and our civilisation worn around our shoulders yet what about what we do to our own children.

Adoption is important to me because they're out there. The abandoned. The battered and bruised. The raped. The neglected. The unheard and the unseen. Those that just need more from the people that are supposed to love them. Children like my brother who should still be here today, who simply should have had more. Should have been loved and supported by the people he called parents. They're out there and they need a home.

Unfortunately I only have one but this is what it means to me..

A chance to make a difference and
Dreams coming true
Our family growing, we'll be
Parents to one then two.
There's toys to be bought and
Introductions to be made. There'll be
One less child suffering.
No reason to be afraid..

The Gift of Life

2014-10-03T21:11:00.000+01:00

I found this poem and thought it was so lovely..

The Gift of Life

I didn't give you the gift of life,
But in my heart I know.
The love I feel is deep and real,
As if it had been so.

For us to have each other
Is like a dream come true!
No, I didn't give you
The gift of life,
Life gave me the gift of you.

Unknown

I was actually looking for a sign I'd seen with the last 2 lines on, I didn't realise it was a whole poem!

Finally.. some positive reinforcement

2014-09-18T18:56:00.003+01:00

That's going to be us!!

We've finally started Stage 2.

After nearly 4 months, we finally got our letter through to confirm we’ve being approved and they "support your move to Stage 2 of the process". EEK!

We heard from the Stage 2 SW immediately (before the letter even arrived as she was copied in on an email from the agency finally responding to our pestering) – wonderfully it’s the lady we met initially so she already knows our story. That was just under 2 weeks ago and I've just had had my 2nd visit!

So it looks like things will speed up again now and we're set for a completion of the visits early November and then Panel at the beginning of January!

Stage 1 took twice as long as the 8 weeks they give it, but then it’s madness they even bother with a deadline in Stage 1 when there’s so much reliance on other organisations to send back the different checks and I would recommend anyone to anyone just starting to ignore whatever deadline they give you for Stage 1. Hopefully Stage 2 will be different as it just relies on us and one other person for the most part so will hopefully complete around January and then… I can only dream at the moment about what our lives might be like this time next year but we are SO excited.

The first visit was the 2 of us and today's was just with me and.. wow it is just.. it's so different to Stage 1. She's amazing and I'm so glad we have her, I know it could have been very different! We talked about all sorts today.. about my past relationships and so on and all the time she's trying to relay my experiences back to how that means I will be able to cope with adoptive children. There was one scary moment I thought she was trying to say that maybe it wouldn't be right for me but then she just came out with it.. "well you must know, you WILL be placed. I see such great potential in you as adoptive parents".

I think I fainted. Actually, I didn't know. Well I had total conviction that we're right for the job obviously lol but not that anyone else saw that, so it was so amazing to hear. She just said - go through the process. Don't treat it like you're just jumping through hoops.. the point is to help us understand a) what would be a good match for us (and them) and b) also to help us work through together with her and each other HOW we'll deal with things. Now I know she can't say 100% for certain but she's an experience lady and she's met adopters like me, with my experiences and like us - coming at it as a first choice and... OMG! We're going to be parents... it's finally sinking in.

This month is all about.. waiting

2014-08-14T12:57:00.001+01:00

Excuse the French but I thought this was funny and exactly how I'm feeling right now!

We started our adoption journey in May with a voluntary agency and we are being assessed as part of the new "system" as mandated by the latest government reforms to ensure children stay in care for the shortest time possible.

The turnaround time in the early Stages was relatively quick. Not as quick as I would ever like obviously but I'm mental and have zero patience (probably because it's all used up by my work colleagues), but quick compared to others. We actually received confirmation that our Registration of Interest had been accepted the day after they received it! The letter must have been posted that day which was amazing. Took a little while to meet the SW initially which meant our 8 week deadline was not that far away and the weeks that followed were a blur of assessment essays. Unfortunately - the agency must have realised the tight deadline was even tighter for them and we got a revised deadline soon after.

We carried on anyway and got all of our docs in on time. Made sure the medicals were done and knowing what an age they can be to get back, we actually walked out of the surgery with them! Our references were fantastic of course and they were all very quick to get those back so no issues there. And as the deadline nears we find out there is just one thing missing...

Our DBS forms. Annoyingly, although the SW had them from the 2nd, they didn't make it to the DBS for several weeks but they still had them in June. When we hit their "90% of all applications are completed within 28 days" target, I gave them a call. We were going to be one of the 10% and this was the problem..

Stage 4

(Records held by the Police search):

In Progress

Both of our applications were stuck at the local police Stage and unfortunately, though the other Stages are completed by the DBS, Stage 4 is out of their hands which means.. it can take FOREVER.

They're allowed to send a reminder through to the police after 60 days. For adopters you can send them through after 28 days BUT.. only if you have a panel date.

After 7 calls between us (I can't call for my husband obviously unless he's with me.. which isn't likely between the hours of 8.30am and 6pm Monday to Friday!), we finally made them understand that with the new system we're not going to get a panel date until we're onto Stage 2. We can't move onto Stage 2 until Stage 1 is approved. Stage 1 can't be approved without the DBS forms.. you see the dilemma!?

It was sort of amusing initially.. but eventually as the days rolled into weeks is just became annoying. The police had our DBS forms as of yesterday for 50 days. I appreciate that there are criminals that need to be caught. I wonder if one of those criminals was once in care.. maybe never had the chance of a forever home.. and found themselves in the world without people to look out for them and point them in the right direction. I'm not generalising before anyone says it.. I'm just saying.

It's frustrating.. The new system involves 2 Stages. Stage 1 - check the people you know, the places you've been, you're health, your history, your presence in the world.. Stage 2 - check deeper into who you really are and what kind of parents we'll be. Simple.. the government reforms to speed things up are fantastic if they actually do make a difference to the child at the end of the day and it doesn't just mean something has been rushed and not thought through. BUT what's the point in having deadlines if they're actually just targets. What's the point in a deadline (ours was the 31st July by the way..) for the agencies and LA's, if the people they rely on don't. There is an 8 week deadline for Stage 1, but the police can't even be chased for 60 days for the DBS forms needed to complete Stage 1. I was rubbish at maths, but even I know that won't add up!

I get why they need to do all of the checks, I've no issue with that. On our prep day they actually took us through the process they go through when removing a child from their birth families and it made total sense that they would be checking any potential new things for the same things they assess the existing ones on. And I wouldn't mind if the deadlines were realistic.. it's the expectation setting that's nonsense because the deadlines are far from realistic. The crazy thing was.. the LAs have the same deadlines and yet before the DBS took the lead in taking the longest to come back, it was an LA holding us up!

Crazy.. Anyway, we had confirmation today that both of our applications are being chased. I think they're just fed up of hearing from us.. but hopefully they won't be much longer. Hubby keeps saying that the longer it takes the more time we have to save.. damn him and his optimism. Doesn't help though :)

Our Stage 1 SW only works part time, so we'll still have a bit of a wait when they eventually arrive I imagine but that should be the last step in Stage 1 so fingers crossed...

Chapter 2..

2014-08-14T10:52:00.005+01:00

Someone mentioned my blog to me the other day and I realised how much I missed it. I write another blog too now.. about a different journey (because you can never have too many!), but I miss this one. A place to just.. download whenever I want, without worrying about annoying my friends or who I might offend or upset in the forums. And then it occurred that I never did update you all on what happened next...

Well I've been very busy indeed! The last post about my journey was in July 2012. I can hardly believe so much time has passed and so much has happened. I'm only going to summarise the story so far though because I want to be writing about the here and now and well, you probably don't have all day to read about everything I've been up to!

Those crossroads..? Well I took the right path of course :) We had a few hurdles in the beginning.. mainly because I'm a lunatic and it turned out I had few trust issues after the previous breakup.

I saw the counsellor and it was actually a revelation. I went because I could see a happy ending at the end of the tunnel and I didn't want to cock it up! In the end, we talked about everything.. family, relationships, work. I can't really describe how helpful it was. It helped the relationship a lot. It helped me validate feelings about my family.. about my brother and my decision to cut mum out of my life. Actually that part in itself was interesting.. I had never really thought about personality disorders before but after talking it through, I got a lot of clarity around some of the decisions she made over the course of her life. Still.. unforgivable but understandable. Not at all making me change my decision, if anything helping me feel like it was absolutely the best decision for me and my new family.

Speaking of which.. after some turbulence - we got married! And hand on heart I can say, it was the best day of my life. The sun shone.. our small group of family and friends - all of the people we love in the world - were there and it was beautiful. We got married in a location that meant something to me growing up. I had a LOT of bridesmaids! I did a speech and made everyone cry haha. And I will remember it forever. My wonderful photography friends took the photos and for once there isn't a single one I hate.

And then we moved to the country. To a beautiful house with a big garden and lots of rooms for children and husbands alike to play. I set up a studio at one end to help my other dream come true :-) and we lived happily ever after. Almost..

We soon realised we wanted to complete our unit and start a family. We discussed having our own versus adopting. A lot! We both agreed we would definitely want to adopt one day but we wanted 2 children and knowing that we wouldn't be able to start the process until we had been living together for a certain period we decided to try for our own first, with a view to adopting second. Briefly.. as much as we wanted a family, it never quite felt right. Through all the research and discussion, everything I have seen and heard and everything I know that I can't un-know.. it didn't feel right. And because my husband is wonderful and he doesn't care how his family starts.. we decided to wait.

And when the time came.. we started our adoption journey together.

About A Boy

2013-11-18T22:40:00.002+00:00

So.. what did happen next?!

What happened next was amazing actually... not yet my happy ending but only because the end isn't here yet. But that post is for another day very soon. Today I want to tell you about a boy....

He had sandy brown hair when he was little. It got darker as he grew though. He was tall... lanky and bony, “all limbs” as my Nan would say. Like me when I was younger, though that's far from what you'd call me now! Sometimes I wonder if he would have continued growing taller... not that it makes much difference, he towered above me as it was by the time he was in his early teens.

He was smart... in a quiet way. He didn't brag, kept himself to himself really. But he loved a good laugh. Loved to be having a joke with the family and feel included. It didn't happen often... He loved to draw, be creative. We all have actually, we get it from her. I remember how interested he was in cars... he wanted to be a mechanic but not fixing them, he wanted to get into spray painting. He was always drawing them with fancy paintwork he'd designed. My ex-husband took an interest in his art once - an Art Director for a games company - it made his day to have such a critic.

He was quite a typical boy in a lot of ways... didn't like to wash, his bedroom was always a tip and stank of dirty washing, or clothes that haven't dried properly. You know that smell. But then as a child, he should have had someone doing his washing for him.

I remember when he came home with a tattoo. I wasn't living at home then. I went ballistic. He'd had "Satan's Angel" tattooed on his arm towards the wrist. Later when I was helping him find a job, we had to cover it up for interviews! I was really annoyed for some reason. I have one too now, though slightly more discreet. I think I was annoyed that he'd done it probably to please his "mates" and I wanted more from him. More for him.

And they were the wrong kind of mates definitely. I never met any of them. None of us every brought friends home but I knew when his school work started suffering and his attendance that he was in with the wrong crowd. I suppose even that is typical these days.

I don't remember feeling love for him until I lost him. He was annoying to me when I was growing up. 11 years... there's not a lot of common ground there between a girl and a boy with such a gap. And I had my own problems to deal with. We would fight a lot. He would be naughty to get attention. Any was better than none in his mind I guess. But I know I did.

We were both the odd ones out. Both step-children to the latest dad, who soon became a dad to his “own” children with our mother. I think the difference was that I was older by the time the last step-dad arrived. He was a baby and he grew up thinking the person disciplining him was his own dad. It came out in an argument one day... It was thrown back in his face at a point when he was at his most vulnerable by the 2 people as a child you trust with every fibre.

I remember when I left home, being so worried about him. Worried that without me there, he would disappear into himself and be lost completely. He was so quiet and withdrawn by the time I left. We both were. Both too introverted, we couldn't find comfort in each other. Instead I think he found me a form of competition for their affections and I couldn't see him at all. I told the social services about my concerns and they said they would keep an eye out.

I tried to stay in touch with all 3 of them after I left. The 2 children that came later were fine. The rules seemed to be more relaxed for them but for some reason made even worse for him. He became even more of an outsider to them... the real “family”. I remember a family trip we all took before I left. We were visiting the step-grandparents family in Europe. Our grandma so proudly presented her son's children to her family and followed with... oh and "these are her children". It's amazing what people don't think children can hear. I never knew if he heard that, if he felt the rejection as I did.

Once I visited and they had thrown him out. Unlike me, only as far as the garden where I found him living in a caravan. After I left home, they all moved to my step-dads parents... they had a lot of land and he was going to build a house on it. To be fair he did eventually but for 3 or 3 years they lived in a caravan. And I mean a caravan... not a motorhome. Or the kind of thing you’d find secured to the beaches along the British coast. One of those flimsy, small things that has a shower over the toilet. For years... in the damp and the cold. They couldn’t use his parents’ house for random reasons so they spent all of their time in this caravan. 5 of them. After the new house was built they kept the caravan.

I can’t remember the reason, it was pretty lame. But there he was... all the curtains shut, still stinking of boy. He didn’t seem to mind but if you looked into his eyes, they’d tell you a different story. I wanted to reach out to him, so often but he was a boy. A teenage boy... I just didn’t know how.

I can’t remember how long he was there. Doing his own washing (or lack of), cooking for himself... but then we’d all had to do that. I used to collect the other 2 from school sometimes when they came to mine for a visit and was disgusted by the state of their uniforms. They were either filthy or stank. I would get so mad but I didn’t do anything.

He finished school barely. Got terrible results. And the next thing I knew he was living miles away near the coast. With new “mates” and an on again/off again girl that would drive him mad. I never met any of them either but I would go down there and try and help him find a job. I arranged meetings with the under 18s advisors to help him find somewhere half decent to stay. Spoke to bosses he done work placements for to get references, but he was so far away.

He got no support from his “parents”. He was left to fend for himself. Just like me. And just like me, I thought he could handle it.

Then his girlfriend got pregnant. “It’s yours” she told him. We don’t know if it was true or not. There was every possibility it wasn’t. She messed him around constantly. He child was his. He wasn’t his. Mother would have nothing to do with her or the baby, she was cutting him off if he took the baby in. Not sure from what... she’d done that a long time ago. He loved the girl. He loved the boy. I spoke to her after the funeral. She was blamed by mother for what happened next and I felt for her. She was just a child herself... scared probably. Her parents were useless too. And so the world turns. There was no more blame with her than with the straw that broke the camel’s back.

At just 17... Rejected by his mother from the moment it became clear having the child the guy wanted didn’t make the relationship work. By a dad he hadn’t known and another who reminded him daily that he was not one of them. A long way from “home”. In love with a stupid girl that couldn’t stop playing games, with a child he couldn’t support. Sounds textbook doesn’t it.

And then he was gone.

I remember one day thinking I was happy. It was a few weeks after my wedding. My first day back at work. My work partner was over. My ex-husband and he were watching a gory movie and I stayed up to watch with them for a change. I knew things wouldn’t be easy for my ex and I. Our relationship was not perfect. But I thought I was as content as I had ever been. I thought I must get in touch with my brother. He called during the wedding. I didn’t speak to him... I was too busy and I was annoyed still from our argument and the fact that he wasn’t there. He should have been but I couldn’t afford to pay for him too. To sort his transport, accommodation and clothes out. Hadn’t I already done that for my ex-husbands family? He was 17! Old enough to sort himself out... wasn’t he? But I’d get in touch. I wanted to make amends, he was precious to me and I knew he needed me. I would see how I could help him now I’d gotten the wedding out of the way.

Those are the thoughts I was having, 6 years ago tomorrow at the same time my brother was committing suicide. It was not a cry for help.

Every year there is a battle of wills. The side that wants to forget I even had a brother. And the side that will let me forget for most of the year until there’s nowhere to hide. I’ve never won. And the strange thing is, what I miss the most is what I looked forward to having one day. When we were both a bit older.. being someone he could come to for relationship/family or work advice. Having a brother that I could always rely on to be there for me. Seeing him grow into a man, a husband and dad.. I miss what will never now be more than anything.

My brother wasn’t strong enough to survive the childhood we shared. And his case is nothing like some of the children out there that need our help. He is a massive part of why I want to adopt. I wonder what he would be like now, had he had the chance I want to give, and raised by loving parents that always wanted children. But I always thought, things need to be more serious before you involve the authorities. But it’s amazing what you get used to. What you start to think isn’t “serious”.

It doesn’t matter what your reasons. Whether it’s by choice, or because it’s the only one left. If you’re considering adopting, go to that first meeting. If you’re on the road, don’t give up. It’s hard, but stay with it. You could make a difference. I missed my chance to make a difference to my brother. And every year around now, I will remember that I didn’t try hard enough to save him. Now I can only make it up to another child or children. And I will... we will.

Crossroads Are Annoying!

2012-07-27T18:28:00.001+01:00

So what happens next?

I can't say I fully know. I do know.. R is not someone I want to let slip by. I know enough to know that I'm prepared to hold off on my dreams of being a mum to see if I can achieve my ultimate dream of being one half of "parents".

I have decided I am not going to withdraw from the VA and going elsewhere. I haven't formally responded to them yet but I have decided to try the counselling. NOT because I or anyone else I know thinks I couldn't cope with the challenges an adopted child could bring. Not because I think that the VAs reasons behind thinking I need it are correct. Because I don't. BUT I DO want to adopt one day and as much as I may be slightly less forthcoming with some of the things I've said, it could still come up again if I don't do the counselling. Plus I'd like it on record that I took their advice.

But if there IS any chance that I could find things more of a challenge because of my own experiences I want to make sure that's stamped well before then. It's not fair on the child for me to be stubborn about this. Don't get me wrong though.. I am angry, REALLY angry about this. And the way I've been treated by the VA. They HAVE made snap judgement based on some written information that was never discussed with me in detail. I most definitely was not matched correctly, I suspect their main basis for matching me with the SW is that she's a single mum herself.

What makes me most angry is being made to feel like I'm doing something wrong by daring to put myself forward. And I know I'm not the only one that has felt that way. I overheard a woman talking to her young child and saying that if he didn't behave "you'll get punched". She had another child in a pushchair. Whether she meant it or not... I know what it means to hear things like that as a child and it feels like to fear it. I know for a fact, that my own experiences would never ever allow me to make a child feel less than 1000% safe and loved. I know that in my bones. I know that the people on the Prep Group with me wouldn't. I don't know everyone's story but a lot of them, were there because they couldn't have children of their own. I was there by choice. We were all the kind of people that would think about giving our lives to a child that was not our own. And yet somehow, you feel like you're under a criminal investigation the whole time. I could so very very easily have ended up like that woman. (And no, I don't know her and yes I am being judgmental but YES before anyone says it, I sympathise with the lack of support, and so on that can lead young girls to not being great parents and I'm sure she does the best she can, etc. etc...) I could have been that and much worse. Or I could have given up on fighting the challenges life pushes our way and simply checked out altogether like my brother. I didn't do those things... I fought hard to change the status quo and not end up like my mother. I KNOW that when it comes to my children, "the best I can" will be the starting point not the destination. They talk about this philosophy of not expecting "perfect" parenting, just "good enough". And yet in order to be approved in the first place, they look for such an idealistic version of what they think parents should be. It's wrong. The fact that there were 60,000 children in care and foster homes in 2010 and only 4000 of them were adopted... I'm not at all surprised. It's not right and it's not fair - on the child that gets left behind and the people trying to do something for this world.

So... I AM going to adopt one day. And if it means more hurdles, well more hurdles it is. If that means counselling I'll do it and actually, if nothing else I will either actually benefit from it, or it will simply remove the doubt so I can move forwards with my head up.

And... for what could be with R, if it helps me to stop being such a big fat chicken, it can only be a good thing.

I don’t know how he is going to feel about the counselling. I don't AT ALL and suspect he could think he's wandering in to familiar territory and would rather leave well alone. He doesn’t know what I've decided yet, or why or the outcome of the meeting, etc. I want him to know but I won't pretend to not being petrified he'll make the same judgement they did. He doesn't know me. What life has sent my way. What he will hear is that "professionals" have told me I have issues that need resolving before I can be taken further and I hope... he will stick around long enough to work out the subtext. As my lovely L pointed out to me earlier…wouldn't I rather he knew what all my luggage looked like now and not later?

So. My blog takes a wee turn… I’ll still be posting. This may turn into the book I keep starting :-) And the journey certainly isn’t over. It’s just gotten a little bigger, a little more bendy and definitely longer but what will be will be.

Good luck to everyone on their own journeys... don't give up.

x

A Spanner - With A Nice Smile and Good Arms..

2012-07-27T18:12:00.000+01:00

What happened next surprised only me it would seem. Everyone else appeared to be labouring under the idea that the next "man for me" was just around the corner.. all except me obviously. My reply from the finance geek turned into several. And then a date, which went so well I could barely believe it. At the end of the date, he wanted to know if he could see me again and I said yes.

The rest, is a bit of a blur. It’s been about 4 weeks and I have learnt a lot about him, what's important to him and what he wants from life and a lot about myself too actually. We were both very upfront with each other about what we were looking for in our next relationship. An uncomplicated love. Not a pen pal, not a one-night-stand and not a fairy-tale but something real... Randomly one day he told me something out of the blue that his sister was adopted. For some reason he’d felt that I may be going to tell him that I couldn't have children so he wanted me to know he’d thought about the idea of adoption, for himself; wasn't against it and had personal experience of it.

Shocked?... if you walk up to someone in the street and tell them you’re adopting, most people won’t know what the hell you’re on about. “Can’t you have your own?” “Doesn’t it take forever?” etc. etc. It’s not a concept that registers on a lot of peoples’ minds. And yet here was this guy telling me not only was someone in his family adopted but he was prepared to consider it for him!

No I didn't drag him down the aisle immediately, what I did instead was have a panic attack about all the secrets I was keeping from him. About my plans, my decisions. What was currently going on with the VA and why it was making me a little crazy. So I got in a tizz, like I do and vomited my story all over his inbox. And then we talked about it and I got to know him a little more and in my head I decided I needed to see where this could lead. Not because of the adoption thing in itself but because of his lack of surprise, or shock. Because of his grown up attitude to it. His attitude in general and the way he was approaching this. Us. What we might be. He didn’t want to make a mistake this time either. He wanted to get it right too. So we saw each other more and he has since met my friends. My lovely friend D, who will quite happily tell me what was wrong with my last 4 partners, was arranging a weekend away for the 4 of us by the end of the day!

We've talked some about our previous experiences and during a week where we were unable to see each other, played 20 questions. Well.. 20.. actually ended up at about 40. Fun and silly questions and serious questions, looking to learn more from the responses. Would I marry again? Did he really want children and when? Couldn't have had better responses. Someone even commented that he sounded like me :-)

And then I had the meeting with the VA and he was so supportive. More than I would have expected given I’ve known him only 4 weeks, have told him I would happily dump him if he hasn’t proven his worth by Jan and let’s face it, is at risk anyway considering my desire to be mum not later but now and who knew what the outcome of the meeting would be?

So... THEN did I relax? No.. then I continued to try and sabotage the best thing that may be going to be happen to me in FOREVER.

I asked him to come over one night... because I wanted to see him. And he did. Changed his plans, left his dinner on the side and came over. With paint from Homebase which is not next door to his house. And it was a nice eve. Cuddle on the sofa, Chinese.. until he started pointing out that despite the fact that we clearly liked each other I still appeared to be resisting it in true Terminator style. Not in a mean way, though I can imagine it must be frustrating. Sort of joking but also not. Which annoyed me because it was true and I didn’t know why or what to do about it. So I did the only thing a mental person would do and asked him to leave. :-) Nicely. Sort of. And then I cried. Because I’m an idiot. An idiot that one day soon has to learn to stop being pig-headed and ask for help.

I know deep down, somewhere along the way, bad after bad, has affected my ability to seize hold of something that could be good. Totally natural and very effective defense mechanism that happens to us all when we get hurt and let down. I told my friend today what had happened and she told me to pick up the phone immediately and make an appointment with a counsellor. NOT because I AM actually mental but because sometimes, you just need perspective and apparently self-analysis of 32yrs of crap isn’t necessarily going to be enough. Because after my last relationship the shields are well and truly up and I can spend the next x yrs breaking them back down again on my own or find someone to help me do it quickly before he decides I'm more hassle than it's worth!

It made me think about my meeting with the VA properly and I guess realised something I couldn’t see then through my stubbornness. Do I think I have poor attachments to my friends? Absolutely not. However I know full well that my friendships have had some stumbles over the years because of how I retreat and close people out. I lost someone who I thought of like a sister because of that and I’ve worked hard since then to put that right with the others but there is no denying that my childhood has massively impacted on my friendships and my relationships. And now I am in danger of fecking up something that could be my happy ending. A happy ending with good arms!

I like him enough to know I don't want to risk it.

What Happened Next..

2012-07-27T17:18:00.005+01:00

3 things happened next which have changed the course I am on quite considerably.

First.. remember this..
My mission to focus on finding someone, the "right" someone? A good idea in theory but as you'll have noticed from the other posts - zero takers. ZERO. Okay there were actually quite a few but none you'd want! So before things kicked off, I decided it was no good. I couldn't focus on that and the adoption. If I wanted to do this, which I did - I needed to give it everything I could. I don't think I ever really thought I'd meet someone that way anyway and I didn't give it THAT much focus but it was still taking up space in my mind that with work and the adoption I didn't need. So it was time to take down the profiles and settle in to being single until after the adoption.

Just before doing so, I had the bad SW session and when I was next online I decided not to remove it completely but in a drunk, cynical moment, I did change the stats back to say that I in fact didn't have any children at all. And yes "All By Myself" was playing in the background and there was definitely wine. On doing so, the search filtering changed and this man’s head popped up. I don't know what made me look at his profile but I did. I looked at the photos and was intrigued. And when I read it, it made me laugh - A self-proclaimed finance geek with a sense of humour, the spark of an adventurer, who wanted children and he used the word Lady in earnest.. which was cute. So I sent him an email.

I left it for a few days, during which I spoke to friends about what was going on with the VA and started thinking seriously about my back-up plan. If you've read the earlier posts, you'll know I did look at the option of donor insemination and when I started the adoption process this was always going to be plan B. I talked to a friend at length about it and the suggestion that if this all falls through now, I could still adopt later. Something that I hadn't really been thinking about - that I could have the opportunity again, perhaps once I've had my own child and I'm hopefully settled with someone. Which would remove at least 3 of their concerns straight away? So I looked into it again and found that the London Women's clinic was having an open seminar in October. I decided that if worst case scenario happened with the agency, that I would take some time out from it all, go to the seminar with a view to potentially going to plan B in the New Year. I figured I definitely couldn't meet someone under those circumstances so the profiles had to go. Off I went to delete them and my finance geek had replied.

Second... my meeting with the VA...
It took 5 weeks but eventually I managed to get in front of the SW and the Director to discuss their concerns. At least I thought it would be a discussion, instead they called me in to tell me what had been decided and what my options were. We did discuss them all and I hopefully returned honest but valid arguments as to why I disagreed (where I did). I took L with me, my gorgeous friend from work and she was an absolute star. I would have been in pieces without her. When I clearly was having trouble holding it together, she'd ask a question so I could compose myself. No tears were shed and I (I hope!) remained calm and responded without getting defensive.

As I suspected, specific things had been lifted from the 2 reports I'd sent and either taken out of context or not discussed in any detail for me to be able to explain fully what I meant. SW is extremely black and white and seemed quite upset by some of the things I'd said about my mother which she appeared to take to mean that I didn't recognise that she herself had been a victim of abuse. I also didn't recognise the impact the abuse I'd received or witnessed had made on my own relationships. I must have identify issues because I don't know my real dad and because I didn't have enough counselling sessions after my brother died, I must also have unresolved issues there.

The Director clearly hadn't done his homework apparent when he said that I clearly had problems forming and maintaining strong relationships because I listed people in my support network that I'd known only a few years when other adoptive parents have friends they've known for much longer. I reminded him that I'd known my formal referees for 12 years! I clearly CAN form strong bonds given that the girl sat next to me I've known for only a year, he's had 4 written references from people just wanting to help me because they believed in me (as my friends). Yes, I have 2 failed marriages and no family to speak of apart from my Aunt, but that probably accounts for quite a large proportion of the population and doesn't mean that I'm mental!

In addition, I started being quizzed about what I spent my money on. I earn a decent amount and hey have seen my standard outgoings so why did I have no savings. And why didn't I own my own home?? I wanted to say "none of your.... business" but didn't. The fact is I’ve had no reason to save up to now. I don't do drugs or pay for hookers (isn't that the other thing people waste their money on?), have a gambling habit... I spend it on my house, going out, and clothes, whatever I want because er... I can. And then when I started this process I stopped. As for owning my own home... there are a gazillion reasons for that not least of which because I want to live in the beautiful home I am currently living in and don't happen to have £80k in my bank for the deposit. I can assure you that if I did own my own place which matched the kind of deposit I could drum up in the short term, I'd get turned down for living in a sh*t-hole so what's it to be?

I also appear to start being accused of being at risk of burying myself in work if the going got tough, because I made the mistake of saying that I would bury myself in work in the past. Well when you're single you can can't you and yes I've had a tendency to be a bit of a workaholic. But equally I made it very clear when I started this process to the VA AND at work that my priorities would not be the same and that when this happened (if it happened); work could take a hike if my baby needed me. None of the positive things seemed to have been taken in however.

The outlook... looked bleak. Despite having a valid point to make against each of their arguments, it made no difference. Because that wasn't the plan. They had decided and the meeting was for me to hear what they had to say.

In summary... my many moves and length in employment, etc. could be overlooked (different weighting you see) but the other issues cannot. Although I am able to put a positive spin on my personal experiences and have always thought that it would help me to understand better a child that may have experienced similar and indeed help them better. They however, did not. In fact, they felt that my experiences would be detrimental because I would start reliving my past and then not be able to cope (WTF?). Anyway... the answer is counselling. On order to take me forwards they would want me to seek counselling and make sure I cover all of their concerns and return with a report telling them I'm now fit for purpose.

Not a few sessions... on asking the question, they said that an NHS counsellor might see you for 6 sessions "but that's just for ONE issue" (clearly I have billions)... they "would be concerned if a councellor thought they'd finished with me in 6 sessions and recommended 6 to 12.. MONTHS.

I have asked my friends since if they think I need to be locked up because that's how that meeting made me feel. The alternative option is to withdraw completely or go elsewhere OR I could ask for a second opinion. Quite liked that till I heard the catch.. in order to get a second opinion I would have to a) "reject their advice" and then get an early Panel decision. So the SW would complete her report quickly, then submit with my response to Panel for an early decision. At which point, when they say "no", which of course they would if the SW has put a big fat "no thanks" all over it, THEN the complaints procedures are open to me and I can ask for a second opinion assessment. BUT I would have a formal rejection on my file and as the Director said - neither Panel nor the Independent Review Mechanism can force the VA to approve me and they get the final say. Suicide? I think so.

After sitting in a pub with L, doubting my sanity for not the first time I promptly came home and put all my adoption books away. I needed time to think and work out what I was going to do next. I could be indignant about it but the reality is if I wanted to do this, and I said I would do whatever it takes - if it takes a report from a professional to say whether they think I'd cope or not, then a report is what I'll get. But still.. I needed time to think. Not least of all because.. then this happened....

Little surprises..

2012-07-27T15:30:00.003+01:00

I get to know people pretty well I think, my friends at least. And my family (some of them). And whilst I have struggled with it in the past, I think I open myself up to people enough for them to know me. I feel comfortable about how I feel about people and they feel about me. I don't really get paranoid about whether someone likes me or not (boys are a different matter), partly - if they don't, they don't. Chances are for similar reasons I don't like them.

But then sometimes people do things that surprise me. Sometimes I hear what people think about me - good or bad - and I'm surprised to learn they think it and then I wonder if it's true or they've just said it. Or if it's bad, is it actually true. At work for example, my boss thinks I come across as arrogant in certain areas. I'll be honest and say I probably do. It's not pleasant and I don't like to see it in others but there's a fine line I think between arrogance and self-assurance. My job is demanding and challenging and the fact that at 32 I am where I am, I think is partly because of that "arrogance". If I can't convince myself I know what I'm doing, then I can't convince others and when that happens it's game over.

On the flip side, outside of work self-confidence is an issue but I'm not down on myself all the time. I know I bring some good stuff to the table (arrogant or just self aware?). Not brilliant stuff but if I didn't I wouldn't have any friends at all surely!?

When this kicked off, 4 of my friends sent in their own references to the agency. They were not my designated referees, as they mandate you have to have a family member and people you have known for 5 years or more for that. Some of my best friends, I have known only a few years so they were not asked for a reference. Despite that, to show their support (and it couldn't hurt) they sent in their own by email and not in response to any specific questions. We all know for single adopters the support network is a big aspect of the decision making process and I have never felt so overwhelmed by what people wrote.. it was a very hard month for tissues and it was a wonderful thing in amongst the cack storm that had appeared :-)

Not that it did any good at all but I will be always grateful anyway and for future reference I hope they will be on my file.

On the other hand.. my step-dad surprised me in a not so good way. He had not sent his reference in (despite being asked for it weeks before) and was proving difficult to pin down as to when he could come up so the SW could interview him. When this first kicked off, I left a message to ask him to please get his reference done in case it helped (I had already been promised it 3 times). Later when I heard the outcome of the meeting with the Director, I left another message letting him know it probably wouldn't help but could he do it soon anyway. I've had no response to either and a month later - despite knowing it was all going a bit wrong, I haven't heard from him. At all.

That hurt. I had thought we were on an even keel again but the reality is - despite trying to force a relationship on ourselves - he is after all only a man that looked after me for 6 years from aged 10. He is no longer married to my mother. J & A will soon have flown the nest (in fact one already has now he lives with our mother) and then there will actually be no reason for me to be in his life at all. He may be the closest thing I've had to a dad but that doesn't make him it. In fact, when I go through this process next time around, he will not be factored or counted on for a reference. The reality is we don't really have a relationship any more. Maybe we've outgrown each other and though I was there for him when mother decided dropping the kids off at school and then without telling anyone boarding a plane to the US to join someone she met in a virtual world - was just what you do, I was the only adult he could turn to that knew her the way I did and he needed me then but that is all. It is true that we can't choose our family and I can't choose him to be mine when he isn't.

My 3rd surprise was a lovely little one which came in the form of an email from Nicola Tamlyn aka Bethany Hallett! You will see her mentioned in a previous post - she's the author of a book I read about another single adopter. How she was able to overcome her obstacles until she is finally matched with her daughter AND managed to find love at the same time. A bit of an inspiration, I found her blog site and posted a message around the time I finished the book. Then one day, as I was facing emails from the SW about their "concerns", a different email popped into my inbox - from Nicola!
"Hello there!
After the emigration process, the move, settling into life in the US and in the middle of a house renovation process ... I have just started updating my blog with some entries about life in south Texas (I moved here with my daughter in April). It was only in so doing that I found, amongst the many spam items, some very nice comments, of which yours is one! I hope this email gets to you. I've read some of your blog, too, and it seems you are quite early on in the process. So good luck ... and keep going. I can only say it worked for me. If you have any questions, do get in touch. So glad you have found my book helpful. A prospective adopter has just said she is on its second reading and that says a lot. Must read it again myself sometime!

Best wishes

Bethany Hallett"

I know it's a silly thing to be excited about something so simple but I was. And delighted she'd taken the time to write back AND read some of my blog. Just a short message to remind me that it does work and people do make it. It helped me not give it all up there and then and I pushed for my meeting with the agency.

The Missing Link..

2012-07-27T14:55:00.003+01:00

Wow.. seems ages since I've posted and so much has happened it's ridiculous. I'll try to break it into a few posts so you don't drift off into a coma.
Some of you will come here from a link I posted on a few of the forums. Or some that saw the post and commented may be wondering where it's gone. Through some good advice in the comments left I decided to remove the post whilst I was in the middle of things, just in case it was seen by anyone at the agency. Thank you though to everyone that did comment, some heated debate :-) but I was grateful to everyone that took the time. I still have the post and everyone's comments and when the dust settles may re-publish it. In the meantime, I'll try to summarise the kink that appeared on the road to mum-dom.

On 16th June, I had a meeting with my SW. She turned up some half an hour early which was fine but put me on edge slightly as I was super busy with work and had timed various meetings around her visit. I had to stop what I was in the middle of to start the session but luckily it was ok. We went through my identity documents, passport, lease agreement etc. We spent time looking around my home and agreed on its suitability for a child, that I have adequate space in and am in a good location for the facilities we may need – which I have been investigating since the Information Evening in January. We discussed the things that would be needed for the next session and about the Health & Safety report that was some 6 pages long.

After 2 and a half hours of what I believed to be a good meeting, I was then advised that she had some concerns regarding my suitability as an adoptive parent and that she planned to discuss it with VA Director 4 days later. As you can imagine, I was somewhat taken aback having had a positive meeting over a long session to be then faced with a list of concerns that had already been decided upon following our previous exchanges.

I was told they were worried about my ability to provide a stable home because I had lived in 4 places in the last 5 years, not been in my current job that long, etc. Also my lack of strong family ties came up. Clearly I was distraught and despite attempting to challenge these comments at the time, she ended up just walking out and leaving me in a blubbering mess to wait some 4 days to find out what the agency said.

I never was very patient so I emailed the SW and the Director of the VA that night (thank you SO much for my VA friend who came straight round and helped me to write the email!) with a valid response to each of their issues. Okay when I say "emailed".. I mean.. I went a bit mental and pretty much chewed the SWs head off. Well.. what did they expect!? During the Information Evening and the Interview I asked about my single status, discussed my background and family issues. At no point did anyone say that these things were showstoppers. In fact apparently they were potentially considered positive - that some children may benefit from a single parent; or that my upbringing would allow me to identify with the needs of a child that will have had similar experiences.

So to be accused of being unstable at that point for things they already knew about, after coming so far and being pepped all the way AND after spending 2 and a half hours discussing my house and the next session! Anyway.. I was mad. And upset. And I made it clear. Possibly a bit too emotionally but this is an emotive subject.

Eventually, after the SW had met with the Director I got a reply informing me that they in fact weren't her only concerns. In addition the outcome of the meeting had been that based on her information the Director felt that even if the SW was willing to take me forward I would unlikely be approved at panel. The next stage was for me to be able to go in and meet with them both to discuss it all. Her other concerns included the quality of my relationships with friends, my financial situation (whatever that meant), my identity issues(didn't know I had any), my understanding of feelings about my real dad(I don't have any).. the list went on.

At this point, all the information she has judged me on was written in 2 "reports". The ones I was asked to do a the beginning of the assessment with the idea (or so I thought) that we would then discuss them in detail the sessions. I was asked to write about what it was like growing up in my family up to 18 and then from 18 to now. I was asked to do so in around 2 pages. Everyone that has read the rest of this blog will know my life story doesn't fit into 4 bits of A4. So I was succinct to say the least. To my detriment it would seem because that meant I "minimalised" the abuse I had witnessed and received. If you read something someone writes down before you know them, how they speak the language and way they have of expressing themselves - you will of course make snap judgments. But then when you learn to read the person, the written word can take new meaning and should be reassessed - not be used as evidence for a hanging! In addition - despite being accused of not having quality friendships and making "poor attachments" myself - none of my references have been spoken to at this point. In fact only one had even made it in and it hadn't been reviewed yet because the lady that receives them was on holiday!

Angry and upset are not the words to describe how I felt. To open yourself up to strangers - to pass yourself to be judged and then to be judged in that way, left me quite number. I made the decision not to talk to my mother for solid reasons which no one that knows me would argue with and frankly wonders why I didn't long ago. I've spent my whole life working out why people made the choices they made and have done the things they've done. I made peace with quite a lot of it, understood and acknowledged others and forgave some. So to be told actually.. you're a bit too mental to be able to look after a traumatised child.. harsh.

Talk About "Big Brother"!

2012-06-08T21:00:00.003+01:00

Dating profile published - 4 days Views so far - 67 Emails - (still a big fat) 0

Am I being super-paranoid.. ?

I am second guessing every word I write in my homework.. my emails to the SW, everything I say (did I REALLY need to joke about "being partial" to a G&T with her!? She started it.. was it a test??), do and how it's interpreted.

Being a single adopter, I feel a bit like a woman working in IT.. like I have to justify my abilities even more. And recently trying to balance work with this process has moved challenging.

It is utterly mental at work at the moment.. I'm doing my job, and the BA that left and the PM that left. I couldn't do it without the help of my partner-in-crime. We're also going through the process of splitting our company in two, so we're building a new website, setting up new Twitter, LinkedIn accounts, getting email addresses sorted, business cards.. MENTAL. The lovely L joked to me tonight (7pm still in the boardroom where we've been most of the day and no one else left in the office) that she was glad we had postponed the implementation of a new system, which we'd have had to train on and configure.. "if we'd have done that as well I'd have killed myself".

So you can imagine how easy it is right now, to fit in weekly 2-3 hr sessions in the middle of the day! I admit, when I sat in the initial interview, in my head I saw this as a personal exercise and outside of the Prep Group days (which I was warned would be full days), I never thought the home assessment would encroach on my work time. Other people I know from the Group seem to have SWs that work around them and I'm not saying mine doesn't just that.. maybe because she's a Contractor her aspect is slightly different. She has other commitments which mean some weekdays are out leaving me a fairly limited field to play with in the week. I work flexible hours and the boss knows I don't take the p*ss. So normally.. it's not an issue but right now? With everything going on and the stupid Bank Holiday.. it's almost impossible.

I contacted her to try and rearrange some of my visits coming up and said I'd be available in the evening or at the weekend. It was then I learnt, those times are no good for her either. When I pushed back a little and explained the situation I was told "it's a professional service like any other.. you wouldn't expect a Lawyer to be available in the evening would you?". And I'm sorry, inconvenience aside.. I do not see the role of the SW in this case or others as a "business" in that way. I felt like I should complain to VA about her inflexibility. I'm being as accommodating as I can and actually don't feel like I'm getting much back. She's got holidays booked and her other commitments, which is fine but maybe actually she has too much on HER plate. She made me feel like I was making work a priority when the reality is.. I'm doing all this so I can position myself where I need to be so I DO have the time to stay home or be available when Lily arrives. I'm doing all this so I can afford to have her in the first place and give the things I never had.

With the references too, I was told quite specifically that the SW would make the effort to visit the referees. I said I was concerned because the ones I'd be using weren't close but she was adamant it was part of the job and they'd try and meet someone somewhere if possible but ultimately would work around them. My stepdad lives a 3hr drive away and for a 40 minute interview I realise it's a big task. But I can't help where he lives and she's asking me to try and arrange for him to visit me so she can do the interview at mine. I get that, I really do but he's busy frankly. He’s renovating his house (it’s like Beirut) and can't take time off work so only has weekends. It's a whole trip out to come see me and although we are arranging a trip up anyway, the timing is rubbish and I feel pressured to try and force it to suit her. And that the fact he’s not committing, says something about our relationship or this thoughts on what I’m doing.

God I’m making her sound awful and she’s really not. And I know 60% of this is probably my paranoia. She’s lovely. I don’t know if we “connect” the way I hoped we would but it’s really early days and I just feel like I’m being judged all the time. At work today I was asked to do a pitch for a new client. If we get through a tender process.. really important to us if we win it and a lot of effort has already gone into it. Of course the slot is over one of her visits and I got in such a tizz. Can I say, “no sorry I have a personal appointment”.. the reality is no, course not but then how could I not? I dread to think what she’d have said if I cancelled or asked to move that one too. So I had to decide..

I told my boss over dinner last night that I was struggling a little with the juxtaposition between the 2 important things in my life – my career and my baby. At such odds with each other, yet I don’t want to give either up. But ultimately…. If I had to choose, my baby would come first.

So I did decide and told them I couldn’t make the pitch. I’ll deal with the fallout later. I’d rather do that than go up against my SW! :-)

A New Companion

2012-06-08T19:28:00.002+01:00

I am so charmed by this book I am reading.. it is so real and honest.
http://bethanyhallett.com/

A single woman's journey through the process and out the other end to mummy of a 4yr old girl. She doesn't always think she's doing the right thing. She doesn't always think she'll make it through. And 3 weeks after her daughter has come to live with her, she questions if she's done the right thing. It's fleeting and she realises she could never abandon her but the fact that she could openly say she felt those things is why I love it.

It's charming and at times funny as well as being educational about the process itself. It's an interesting read for me because she adopted through an LA so it's interesting to see the parallels and where things differ.

It's become a real companion through the journey and I will actually be sorry to have finished it!

Whatever your scenario, I think it's well worth a read. And also gives you a bit of an insight into what can go wrong at panel or what can cause hiccups along the way. It definitely highlights the importance of the social worker in this and what effect it can have if the one you're allocated doesn't "understand" you.

How Quickly Do You Want To Go??

2012-06-05T09:39:00.000+01:00

Dating profile published - 1 day

Views so far - 53

Emails - (big fat) 0

hmmmmm... hard to be judged in 2000 characters or less but that's ok.. if 99% are put off that just leaves one :-)

The home assessment has started. My SW (R) was assigned during the final week of Prep Group and I've met her 3 times so far. She's.. well she's hard to describe. In her early 40s perhaps (maybe older but looks good). She has older children and she's spent most of her career working on the child's side. She used to be a Youth Offending Office. Lastly a Children's Guardian (they have responsibility for the child's welfare during the process and will help the judge make the final decision on whether the child gets put up for adoption for example) which is good because hopefully she'll have first-hand experience of the kinds of children out there and what may work for me.

I'm only her second assessment which is a little disconcerting and I know she's a bit nervous. She said during our last visit that she'll feel better after her first couple have made it through panel which is this month, so fingers crossed. In the book I'm reading at the moment, the girls’ panel approved her but then the Director (who gets the final say) asked for a deferral because of holes in the SWs report. They were cleared up after a new SW was appointed and the next panel approval was successful but I dare say she didn't need that kind of stress!

The first visit was just a planning session. To take me through what we'd be going through talking about and how and to book in the first few visits. She told me I'd do 6-8 sessions and they last 2-3 hrs each. Unfortunately she likes coming during the day which is a bit of a pain and with work the way it is at the moment, it's a bit difficult. I'm half afraid to say though in case she sees it as lack of commitment.

In that session, she asked me how fast I'd like to go.. we could have sessions once a week or once a fortnight. Before letting me give my answer she said that I'd get homework each week and that if I didn't feel there would be enough time to do it each week, the fortnightly ones might be better. Of course I said I wanted to go as quick as possible. If I needed to slow it down, I'd say but wanted to at least try. I'm slightly regretting it now. Afterwards I realised I needed to exercise to keep my IBS at bay and my stress levels down, so took up kick-boxing with my friend from work. And then work exploded into my spare time like an atom, but as I said to her.. it's important and I'll make time. Just wish she'd come in the evening!

The first week’s homework was to write 3 pages on what it was like to grow up with my parents up to 18. Wow.. That was some task as you can imagine. I had to ask my best friend (D) to read it as I was afraid of how it might make me sound. I don't want them to think I have unresolved issues. I may not have had lots of counselling and I may have dealt with my life story alone but lots of people do and I'm not bitter about it. During the session then we talked about it all and R took notes. We talked about my 2 marriages and why I thought they went wrong. I hope she doesn't think that I have trouble forming attachments!

For the following week I had to do the same from 18 to now. The reason for writing it down first apparently is so she can refer back and also take snippets from it to put into the report. I also had to write about my losses and how I'd coped with them. In the second session as well as covering some details from my homework, we talked about how I felt about diversity, religion, racism, etc.

It's pretty intense and I'm glad I asked for the sessions to be towards the end of the day as going to work afterwards would be a bit of a struggle. I did ask her in that last session how she thought I was doing. She said she had no concerns so far but it was too early. She did say something that worried me though.. we had talked previously about the various counselling I'd had. After I had a breakdown at 13 and was referred by my GP and the private sessions I had after S died. I only had about 4 sessions then, largely because they were expensive and I was still recovering from not being able to work for several months after it happened. I was self-employed at the time and the major earner and we'd just gotten married so it had a massive effect on our finances. R asked me if I would have continued if I'd been able to afford to and I said I probably would have. She wrote this down and in the last session she asked me if I would be happy to have more counselling if the panel asked me to!

I was a bit taken aback, which I couldn't hide. She said it was NOT her recommendation but she has seen it before where a panel will defer and ask you to do it if they feel you and therefore the adoption would benefit. I said I wouldn't be adverse to it but I would want to know exactly what they are expecting me to get from it and why they felt it was necessary. Every now and then, yes I come unhinged.. but that's mainly because of the self-induced pressure I put myself under. I'm not happy unless I'm running at 50 miles an hour doing a hundred things at once. And where it has been because of issues related to my past, I've taken steps to deal with it - like making the decision to cut contact with my mother. Some would say that actually isn't the best way to deal with it but if you knew her you'd realise why it was that option or burying her under the patio!

So, now I'm on guard the whole time to make it obvious how well balanced I am.. It's difficult because I know they're human and I know they know we are but after each session I panic about everything I've said. Before R left last time she made a little joke about fancying a G&T. Wanting to build on our relationship, I said I was impartial myself but said I hated normal tonic and would only drink Russian tonic which I have to keep stocks of. Why... WHY did I say that!? How quickly did she right down "alcoholic" in that notepad!?

And my homework.. I have to do a chronology. Every single address since I was born. That alone was enough to send me running to the Surrey hills. Plus every major event, work history and education. Those last 3 are relatively straightforward but EVERY address.. ? I think I worked out once I've moved about 35 times in my 32 years and given that I lived in the same flat in Windsor for 4.. Exactly.

I also have to do a family tree and I've been told to keep a bibliography. Everything I hear, read, see.. keep a record. Any research I do, program I watch that's relevant. She told me that 3 weeks ago.. have I remembered? Luckily the chronology and bibliography aren't needed till the end. But the family tree is and I also need to do an ecomap showing my support network. Luckily, I had already started thinking about that when I heard it's something they really focus on being a single adopter.

Oh and I was also told that the volunteering I had planned on doing (a few hours at a SureStart Dad's Group every other Saturday) isn't good enough. The "quality of care" isn't good enough that is as I won't be in direct care of the children. I've got to try Rainbows.. once I'd worked out what that is, I contacted the local group and there appears to be a number of sessions going on around my town after work. Now if I could just magic a spare evening a week to do it... I used to be bored in the evenings. Now I have kick-boxing Tuesdays and Thursdays, dinner with my work-husband (self-named I might add - my boss) on Wednesdays and it looks like.. Rainbows on a Monday! So actually.. maybe during the day for the sessions isn't a bad idea.

How quickly did I want to go!?? If only I'd had a crystal ball..

Let's Get This Show On The Road..

2012-06-04T21:37:00.001+01:00

It's time ladies.. it turns out, I've been fooling myself. I've been trying "casual dating" and it’s not for me.

I am 120% committed to the adoption process that I have embarked on and whilst I have wobbles such as "aaaaaaargh.. how will I cope financially?".. and "shiiiiiiiiiiiit.. what do I do in the school holidays?" and "holy crap.. have I gone mad, I can barely remember to buy food for my cats!".. I'm led to believe these are all normal. And they have never ever made me question if I can really do it. Nor whether I can do it alone. I know I can. I KNOW I can. Because if nothing else, I'm determined and bloody stubborn and I have been telling myself since I was old enough to work out what it meant that I would never ever let a child down like I was.

Nor have I ever thought that I am doing this INSTEAD of finding a playmate/partner in crime/fellow people watcher. It was my intention to focus on the adoption now because it's a lengthy process and I already want this yesterday. And embarking on a new relationship now could turn out to be a waste of time and then I have to start all over again. So my plan of plans was to try and successfully make it through the adoption process and out the other side with Lily in tow and together we would look for Mr and Daddy Right.

So I figured.. casual dating was the way to go. And before you all start stoning me for being a hussy.. I'm not talking about sleeping around. In my mind, I was seeing "the gay best friend". Who wasn't actually gay. So more the "best friend with benefits"? The man I could spend time with, go out to dinner with, cuddle on the sofa with, even have sex with! But just not fall in love with..

Unfortunately I missed two vital points..

1. I am not made to be alone. I holiday alone. I've been to the cinema alone. I deal with things alone. I make decisions alone. I even decorate alone and actually quite enjoy sleeping in my bed alone. And whilst I'm ready to share my life with a child - that's different. It's the waking up part that doesn't work. The coming home from work after a stressful day and wanting someone to drink wine with part. More than that, it's the having someone that you know is there for you part. Not to rely on, just to know is there.

2. Casual.. it turns out, is not for me. I love sex. (Oh hush now, I'm an adult and so are you) I do. But not with just anyone. I need to feel connected. I need to feel attracted to that person and feel attractive because of it. There's just one problem with that.. anyone I feel that way about, I will want an actual relationship with!

So without really knowing what I was doing and before figuring this out.. I embarked on some dates. I didn't tell them about the adoption. I didn't have a plan.. I just thought I'd give the online dating scene a go. There was the guy that took my number and never called. There was the guy that stood me up. Twice in the same weekend and never contacted me again! There's the guy that emails me once a month to try and hook up and then appears to be too busy. Oh and the very awkward drink I had in an empty pub on a Sunday night with a scientist (right cos I haven't had enough geeks in my time!). Then there was the date at the farm.. lovely bloke but he gave me a hug when I met him at his house (!) from where he was going to drive us to the farm. It was lovely but feeding lambs definitely does not spark an interest other than that of "bud". We still chat actually but I know he's interested in more dates and I'm just not. Then there was the guy that walked like an ape and had no time when I was available. He had a daughter he saw weekends, so was only free on Sundays or Mondays! My 2 worst nights of the week. We got on well enough and our first date was great. He quickly wanted to follow up with wanting a second but.. and call me harsh if you want.. if I'm doing this casual thing to get what I need from it when I need it then it’s got to be when I'm available!

I didn't factor on the guilt.. I felt bad at not telling them about the adoption. Like I was leading them down the garden path. Which I was. I did say on my profile that I was interested in dating and nothing serious but I'm not convinced either of the dates so far implied the same thing from that statement as I was intending. But you can hardly say on your profile.. sorry I can't get involved with anyone seriously because I'm in the middle of adopting, but if you feel like buying me dinner a few times, I might boink you... can you!?

So then I thought, I'd look specifically for the guy who was "not looking for any kind of commitment". But even then (put your stones away), the one night stand was not what I was looking for. Hence my next date. His profile stated.. “selfish prick”. Like some kind of glutton for punishment this had a strange appeal and I started my initiating email message with.. “mutual selfishness for mutual gain may be just what I need right now”. Interestingly, my lovely work friend appears to have figured me out already. As soon as I told her what his profile said, she put her head in her hands and cried “oh my God.. You’re going to fall in love with him!”

We had a perfectly pleasant evening. Food was lovely. Talk easy. Both quite happy about what we were looking for in the other. Unfortunately, when he turned up I realised that the photo of his side profile and torso made him look larger and more manly than he was. At 5ft 4" in my 2.5" heels, I was almost as tall as him and I felt larger/broader in comparison. Like I'd be the one doing the saving in a fight! Not good.. It wasn’t my intention to get down to it that night.. not a sex-on-the-first-date kinda girl. On the other hand.. I was staying over at the hotel we’d eaten in and I'd gone to a lot of effort downstairs. The sex was rubbish and he turned out to be selfish indeed! Nuff said. Oddly, the whole experience made me feel more lonely than ever.. hence conclusions 1 and 2.

So I'm left with 2 choices.. STOP looking altogether until after the adoption, or look with intent. And looking with intent means coming clean about the adoption early on. If they don't stick, they're not the ones. I'm not in a rush.. I'll take the time to get this right. I have to for Lily's sake now. So I came up with a plan.. I was previously on some free dating site, but I figured if I was going to do this properly I was going to cough up and pay to be on a proper site where hopefully other like-minded people of the opposite sex will have done the same. So last night.. all aglow from my de-stressing in this wonderful spa, I wrote my profile. And although I didn't mention a child in it, I said in my stats that I had one. My plan being that if someone gets in touch by email, then I'll own up to not having a child right not but to be on my way..

If they don't stick because I'm adopting specifically then they don't share some of my values and aren't for me anyway. If they don't stick because I have kids, then they're also not right given that my other option is to wait until I DO have a child already. It is absolutely not my intention to stop this ball I've started rolling. I'm on this road and I'm seeing it through and if I do meet someone they will know that we are going to be on a slow burn until it's over. Is that unrealistic..? We’re not teenagers any more. I felt good about the decision, but still, I didn't publish it. I just wanted to have a little think. Did I definitely think this was the right way to go or frankly was there any point? The likelihood of me finding someone during this process? Little to none. The chance of me meeting someone who is then willing to wait in the wings until Lily's settled?? Exactly. But miracles do happen.. and then this happened...

Before I left for the spa my Adoption UK newsletter dropped through the post. I brought it with me to read in peace. Before my facial this morning I started to flick through and in it there is an article on a woman who adopted a few years ago. She's written a book. In it she tells of her story from making the decision to adopt, to after her daughter is placed. But more than that.. during her journey she met someone. And they fell in love. She told him about the adoption on their second date and he was supportive, enthusiastic. And she managed to keep him at arm’s length until her daughter was placed, though all the while he was very much part of the process. Like me, she felt that introducing him part way through might delay or jeopardise things fully. Of course that meant she had to go with her gut instinct about whether he could be a good dad for her daughter and not that of the SWs and VA and a billion other officials post check after check. But then.. Isn’t that how it works every day in real life!?

It sounds like a fairy-tale and very far away from where I am now, but as I lay there having my face swamped in fruit acids (if anyone wants to know what that's like by the way.. I was told by the therapist that it dissolves dead skin cells and that it tingles most where there is the largest build of them - so if anyone has ever sprayed Viakal into a shower head, you'll know what was happening to my face at this point!) I knew. It was my sign. There's hope for me and my fairy-tale and after my facial I rushed straight back to my room and pressed PUBLISH. Then I bought her book!

Hold All My Calls.. I'm Not Coming Back

2012-06-04T10:40:00.000+01:00

Who knew.. WHO KNEW!?

Actually lots of you probably knew but this is a new one for me. I'm at a spa. Not just any old spa.. Grayshott Spa in Surrey. More of a health resort than a beauty spa, you get a health consultation when you arrive and EVERYTHING is designed with your health in mind. No tea or coffee in your room, just water. Free water I might add. You can have an alcoholic drink at the bar if you want one, but "we do not sell sugary fizzy drinks such as diet coke Madam".. (Not said to me incidentally, I don't do diet drinks/food. Would rather eat less of the good stuff, than suffer eating the stuff that's supposed to be healthy and tastes like cack!).

Since splitting up with my ex-hubby no 2, I've been holidaying alone. And it's been fine. I've done it for years actually - my first solo holiday I took off to Ireland for 2 weeks and did a tour of the West Coast. I was about 17 or 18 then. I know some people hate the thought, but I really don't mind it at all. I get to do what I want, when I want. The only "difficult" bit is eating.. but if you pick the right restaurant it's fine and actually if you can eat outside that's even better. I went to Bellagio on Lake Como last year (Most beautiful place on Earth? Quite possibly..) and found a hotel at one end of the town with their restaurant right on the edge of the Lake. I sat there for about 4 hours every night drinking a bottle of Soave and reading or writing my pipedream. No one bothered me and I saw a number of other single people dropping in and out over the week.

Anyway.. this year I got myself into my usual state of agitation over where I should go. I usually go early September when it's quieter and the weather is still good but so much is going on right now, I thought I might implode if I didn't get away RIGHT NOW. Course I can't take time off at the moment but as luck would have it, the Queen has granted us an extra day's Bank Holiday (whoop) so the Jubilee weekend was perfect. Of course.. British Airways have cottoned on and the prices of flights across the board had quadrupled in price. I suspect that the upcoming Olympics hasn't helped and my chance of getting out of the country until it's over are remote to none.

So.. where to go.. where to go.. everywhere in England over this weekend was bound to be a nightmare of flag-flying and celebrations that I really was not in the mood for (don't lock me in the Tower, I am NOT the only one). I thought about a singles holiday.. as in.. a coordinated thing with other "single" people. The risk as always is being stuck with lonely 50 something’s. Which is fine but not quite what I was looking for. I fancied a singles sailing holiday.. the pics all showed smiling single men (and quite hot!) and women of around my age. But after considering it for 3 months, just as I was about to book I remembered I get seasick and also really really annoyed when my hair gets wet! Just in the nick of time..

One month to go and let me tell you what happened.. my Business Analyst resigned. The Project Manager resigned. We fired a developer and the one about to join then couldn't for Visa reasons. Over the space of a week our team was almost halved.. Not on that but the company is in the process of splitting from the other side of the business into it's own entity, so 2 of the team are currently dedicated to building our new website. Where did that leave me..? Doing 3 jobs. On top of that, my home assessment has started.. and to say "intense".. well that's for another post. I haven't been able to exercise, eat or sleep properly and have been feeling generally ragged. Needless to say by the time it got to last week, if I didn't take myself off somewhere this weekend I may have gone Postal.

So I took my holiday budget and booked myself into this spa for 3 days. THREE days. I feel like a lady-that-lunches :-) And this place is amazing. It's not one of those places where you have to wear full make up in the pool. Frankly, I feel a bit out of place putting anything other than my robe and slippers on! You can wear your robe to breakfast and lunch and all the ask is you put some casual clothes on at dinner. Dinner.. the food.. I requested the Light Menu (so 2 courses not 3) and it is so delicious I had to stop myself having a When Harry Met Sally moment last night.. which would have been odd given I was on my own!

There are other singlees here too not that I could care less. I'm here to get ahead with some of my assessment homework, read, catch-up on my blog and take care of myself for a few days so I can start all over again on the treadmill of life on Wednesday! Friday was the last day for the PM and my BA and I'll miss them both but actually it's shaken the company up a lot which is great. Unfortunately in the short term I'll be doing both my BA's job too and with the help of my gorgeous partner in crime, the PM role as well! We start on Wednesday and we're both a bit nervous of cocking it up so this weekend.. get my head together. Get my health together and show those techies how it's done!

That's if I ever leave..

Walk Before We Run!

2012-05-20T18:54:00.001+01:00

Just read a great post on why Adoption preparation shouldn't be rushed on The Children's Services Blog.

I have to say as much as I want this to happen yesterday.. I'm finding the pace already amazingly quick. Friends often remark on how fast things seem to be moving. You can see from my Timeline you can see that I only went to an Information Evening on 31st January and the assessment is likely to be complete in under 5 months. The matching process could equally take another 5 months.. it could also only take 1! That could be less than 9 months and the learning curve is so steep.

You need that time to get to grips with what you're about to do - not just start raising a child, but someone else's. And someone that could come with significant difficulties or development delays that may not even have been diagnosed at that stage.

I have talked to others from the Prep group and know that some of them have been in the process a lot longer.. especially those that started out applying through a Local Authority. That's where the bottleneck seems to be - some having to wait 12 months before they can even get on the Prep Group and aren't allowed to apply to it's complete!

So I know the process can be horrendous - inter-country adoption even worse and I am all for streamlining the process. As much for the potential parents (it's no wonder so many drop out of the process before they get to Panel) as for the children who shouldn't be left in Care any longer than is necessary. BUT we shouldn't rush it to the point were mistakes are made. On all sides.

Adoption: Why preparation shouldn't be rushed - The Children's Services Blog

An Emotional End..

2012-05-20T18:42:00.001+01:00

To the Prep Group Days that is.

Sorry I haven't posted for what seems like ages.. everything hsa started happening at once and finding the time has been a bit of a challenge but I'm back!

The last 2 days of the Prep Group were a real drain. Amazing still but challenging emotionally. Yes more blubbing sorry!

Day 3 was all about loss. We had to reflect on our own loss and how we may have or are dealing with it as a way of seeing what the children may be going through. That may not make sense initially but the reality is that these children are likely to have been taken from parents, grandparents and siblings. And later perhaps other people that they have formed some kind of a attachment to such as a foster carer. Whether any of those people hurt them or not.. they would still suffer in a similar way to other losses, like bereavement.

As well as general losses, for some of the couples on the group the day was also about babies they may have miscarried. And for all of us, the day was about coming to terms with children we may never have. For me, there is still a very good chance I could conceive a child of my own if I wanted to one day and had met someone. There is also a good chance I might not find someone. For others on the group, they will have known it would never happen for them. One of the exercises we had to do, was to draw or sculpt the child may have had in our heads when we think about "my daughter". I understand why they did it and I know that as part of the assessment they are keen to ensure that you HAVE come to terms with what may not be possible in order to be sure you're ready for what is - adoption. At the same time though, I thought it was a little cruel.

On top of that we had to do a timeline of significant events from birth, which dredged up a lot of bad memories for me and by the time we got to our last tea break before the end of the session I was not in great shape! Actually.. I thought I had gotten through it all fine and then.. something just snapped in me. Everyone had gotten up to stretch their legs and I guess I was staring into space. One of the girls on the course, that I've become friends with asked if I was alright and I started by nodding my head and ended up bursting into tears! I don't think I've ever cried so much as I've done since I started down this process :-)

She was lovely and she gave me a big hug. As well as saddened by my memories of Sam and my childhood, I was angry. Angry at myself for being in the position I am in - alone, having wasted valuable time on idiots frankly. And it was wasted time because although I've learnt a lot, about myself and friendship and life and love in general.. it's lead me to know. And on the plus side.. that may mean it's lead me to my Lily but I couldn't help feeling upset at that point that I couldn't be going through this process with someone. Basically.. I was feeling sorry for myself! Which I knew and which annoyed me more. And then I felt guilty, because I know some of the couples in that room have gone through years of miscarriages and IVF - failed hopes and dreams and it made me feel like a bit of an interloper.

All in all, none of those feelings I'd been expecting to land on me on that day and I went home utterly shattered!

The last day was emotional for a different reason.

We watched a video - a dramatisation of a girl interacting with her adoptive mother (arguing). We discussed why both people were reacting a certain way and then watched the video of the girl interacting with her birth mother. Straight away you could see why she had acted in certain ways which may or may not have been known to her new mother. Both were taken from real accounts of events and people and it was quite shocking after the lightheartedness of the session up to that point.

We also had visitors. A foster couple came in to talk about a boy they had fostered long term. They (for some reason) had not adopted him but they did apply for special guardianship which is almost the same thing. We were able to ask them questions, etc. but what upset me in the end was hearing about his sister. His sister who was 3/4 years younger was still at home with her birth mother. The son had been taken away from his mother because she was unable to look after him and yet incredibly the daughter was being looked after "just enough" to skirt under the net. I was horrified. The foster carers will often help the mother by looking after the daughter too and the son is treated horribly by her and yet not enough boxes are ticked for the daughter to be taken into care too!

I understand that we don't have the capacity to protect every child out there and there have to be limits. If your friend was about to marry someone that treated them cruelly, or with indifference or just selfishness.. would you be satisfied if she said "well.. he doesn't hit me"?? Course not! I started to talk to the SW that was part of the session afterwards about it and I couldn't help myself!

Still, despite the rollercoaster it ended in a great way. I was a little saddened that it was over as I had met some lovely people but then we all agreed to keep in contact and form our own NCT group! Most of us went to the pub for a drink afterwards and everyone gave me their contacts details so I could set up a Facebook group. We have our fist VA BBQ at the end of June and we've already heard the best news... one of the couples went to panel last week and they were approved!

(If anyone wants more info on other things we covered, drop me a mail)

A Promise..

2012-05-01T20:55:00.004+01:00

My friend posted this on Facebook and I had to share..

"My promise to my children ~

As long as I live I am your Parent 1st, your Friend 2nd.

I will stalk you, flip out on you, lecture you, drive you insane, be your worst nightmare and hunt you down like a bloodhound when needed because I LOVE YOU! When you understand that, I will know you are a responsible adult.

You will NEVER find someone who loves, prays, cares and worries about you more than I do and if you don't hate me once in your life - I'm not doing my job properly!"

Turn To Page 565 Of The Help Guide..

2012-05-01T20:47:00.001+01:00

My kittens have started whining at me in the morning.

I'd like to say "miaowing" but that would imply the noise is like that a cat would make as opposed to the slowly-dying-beetle impression they're actually doing.

My first port of call is usually the food cupboard to relieve them of (by the incessant racket they're making) the hideous hunger pains they must be feeling. Once they've eaten and found out where I've fled to escape, whimpering resumes and I usually try a cuddle. This seems to work until one of them starts biting my elbow and the other tries eating my hair.

Trying to finish getting ready for work seems to bring on more strange screeches but on the basis that their food cupboard would be as empty as my fridge without my job, I resort to throwing toys at them. Okay "in front" of them in the hope that one will catch their eye long enough for me to leg it out the door.

It doesn't work and as they can't actually speak and tell me what the bloody hell they want from me I go with the only alternative, i.e... cats? What cats??

I'm guessing.. this could be seen as some of neglect when it comes to children so I'm very much hoping they'll come with a better instruction manual!

(Picturing the 3 of them ganging up on me in a wall of pouting defiance as I attempt to distract them with biscuits...)

Prep Group - Day 2

2012-04-29T20:22:00.003+01:00

Well I had the 2nd day of Prep Group on Wednesday and it was great!

Everyone is so relaxed around each other which is amazing after just one day. Perhaps because we already know something relatively personal about each other - that for some reason we are on this same road at this point together.

We looked a lot at the types of "abuse" children can suffer and the affects they can each have.

We talked about a lot about Theraplay, which the VA and others believe can make a big difference in helping children with attachment issues.

The belief is that "it can improve a child’s behaviour and emotional state by strengthening the parent-child relationship. The Theraplay therapist guides the parent and child through playful, fun games, developmentally challenging activities, and tender, nurturing activities. The very act of engaging each other in this way helps the parent regulate the child’s behaviour and communicate love, joy, and safety to the child. It helps the child feel secure, cared for, connected and worthy."

There is a video on the Institute of Theraplay's website with more details on what it is all about - http://www.theraplay.org/8400.html. We took part in some real demonstrations so we could understand how it works.

We also looked at how we might handle what you could say were certain "typical" child scenarios and those which weren't so typical. Such as, a young girl that had previously been abused is suddenly being inappropriate with a person that comes to do work at your house. Or a child, that you catch stealing money from you. We talked through how you would deal with these situations differently to that of another child.

I discussed it later with one of the girls I've met on the course (who is absolutely lovely!) and our biggest worry is not knowing what is "child" behaviour as opposed to "adopted" behaviour and does it matter. If it is just child behaviour, does it still need to be dealt with differently? I think I need to start reading some books on normal child behaviour, so I have a basis for comparison!

I found myself telling a bunch of "strangers" a story that I'd completely forgotten about from a very long time ago. When I was staying with my Nan, we were in the local Shopping Centre. For reasons that I really can't remember now (I had likely seen something I would like to buy and had no money.. pocket money? What's that then??), I stole a £5 note from her purse when we went to the toilet. (For all of my friends reading this.. yes you are safe!) I do remember feeling instantly guilty. Some hours later, we were sat outside a shop having a breather and she gave me £5 to spend on anything I’d like. She said that if I wanted anything, I only had to ask. She didn't have a lot of money but if she could get it for me she would. I didn't know at that point that she'd known very well I'd taken it (though I later learnt that she could tell you where every penny was in her house and how much she had at any point without even looking!) but I instantly felt like a complete heel and owned up. I gave her both £5 notes back and she let me keep one anyway, making me feel even worse.

What utter genius! I never thought of it, till I recalled the story during the session, but she managed to discipline me, get me to own up and make me feel that I didn't NEED to steal from her, without even raising her voice once! I suspect that that kind of "wisdom" comes with having had children in the double figures. I also learnt after she'd died, that she did a brief spell as a New York Cabby so I can imagine she might have learned some of that then. I hope I don't manage to f*ck up my child even more, before I gain enough wisdom to be as sensible as that!

Last 2 days to go next week. i also have my medical booked in, though I still don't know if there's a charge or not. So far I've asked 3 people and I've been given 3 answers ranging from nothing to £125! Hopefully I shall be assigned a SW soon too. Not that I'm eager to start the Home Study, just eager to finish it! :-)