Turtles at Work

The Ole' Timer

2008-09-01T12:39:00.000-07:00

Ok fellow Turtles. It's been a long long time since I posted and I'm very sorry. I have some new material to post that I think you will all enjoy. So let's start in with my bounce-back post below:

I've been at my new company for almost 8 months and it's taken that long to really get the lay of the land. My new company is way better than my past company by far. However there are still the a few characters lurking around that are sometimes amusing and other times annoying.

There is one character at my new company that I'm sure many of you have at the company you work at. This character though is very rare but if you're lucky enough to have an "ole' timer" at your company you know just how hard it is to work with them.

The ole' timer at my company is 66 years old and has been working at my company for over 48 years. Side note: It's kinda creepy when you have someone working at a company for longer than you have been alive. She began working at my company right out of high school and has just hung on over the years.

This lady is completely untouchable as she as seen by the owners of my company as a good and loyal employee. The reality is that she completely annoys the shit out of me and everyone else. Her job title is "unknown" as she is dispatched to do things that no one else wants to do. The best is that she combats any change with a reference of how things "used to be done" back in the stone age. She is so beloved that she even has a reserved parking space right next to the door.

The topper of it all though it how this lady dresses. She is a cross between a biker chick and a hippy. During the summer she wears halter tops without a bra and believe me she needs one. Her boobs actually scare me as they dangle near her waste and flop all over the place yet she is never told about her attire or lack of "support".

If you have an ole' timer at your company that is as beloved as the one I have I have some simple advice for you. You can't possibly ignore someone like this but what you can do is passively listen. This technique, if utilized effectively, makes it look like you are really listening to the ole' timer, but in reality you are not. As the ole' timer is talking make sure you nod or shake your head in agreement. Throw in a "good idea" or "wow" every so often to really make them thing you are interested in what they are saying. You must maintain a balance of this though as you don't want the conversation to draw out. Once you have passively listened enough and given you audible and non-audible acknowledgements kill the conversation by thanking them. If this doesn't work you can also use the "bathroom" or "late for a meeting/appointment" ending.

The passive listening approach when dealing with an ole' timer lets you go away a winner as the ole' timer believes you have "heard" them out and will actually speak highly of you to others, which alleviates you from any bullshit. Now if you have a female ole' time with large, un-ruley boobs like mine also avoid looking at the boobs. The boobs can be like Medusa's hair and paralyze you in fear as they shift and shimmy. Maintain eye contact at all times to avoid this. Remember you are a turtle and you must keep to your turtle principles. You don't want to get drawn too far out of your shell!!

Damn Klingons

2008-05-11T19:56:00.000-07:00

I know...I know...it's been way too long since my last post. Things are still great and I'm thriving as a wolf. A recap of the past 5 months in my new job at my new company include:

Being given an IPOD Touch for "doing a great job"
Being promoted to VP for "doing a great job"
Being given a $9k bonus for "doing a great job"

I'm seriously very lucky to be in the position I'm in. I bust my ars day in and day out, but finally the rewards and recognition are there! I wake up daily ready and willing to go to work and make a difference.

However as things continue to go well at my new company the klingons from my past company keep calling. Yes, I receive almost daily calls and emails from people from my former company asking me to "get them a job" or "put in a good word for them". I was in a meeting and was paged, picked up the phone and it was one of my former co-workers "trying to get a hold of me". Ridiculous!

I don't mind helping people, but I earned what I have. The one guy who keeps calling me basically wants any open position at my company and wants me to "get him in". The problem is that he isn't qualified for any of the position. The other problem is that he only bothers me to ask me to get him a job.

I'm sure many of you Turtles out there are shocked and upset that I wouldn't help. I would, but I'm not going to be phone and email stalked by people who really don't deserve what I had to work hard to get. I have hired on people that I thought were a good fit for my new company, but I'm not bringing on klingons from my past to bring aboard the old bullshit I used to deal with.

It's frustrating, but yet another example of the benefit of being a wolf. When you're a wolf you make your opportunities, you don't expect others to make them for you!

Dead Weight

2008-03-27T19:54:00.000-07:00

A Turtle becomes a Turtle because of "dead weight" surrounding them. The several clueless and unproductive co-workers or idiotic fat cat boss drive a Wolf (high performer) to become a Turtle as there is no reward for high performance in dead weight work environments.

Many a Turtle out there probably sees this and wonders "why the hell would a company want to keep around so many people doing so little?" This question is simple to answer. Actually addressing dead weight at a company is not pleasant and requires follow-up and work by a boss. Many bosses don't want to deal with the unpleasant thought of actually having to discipline or even fire workers that jerk around doing nothing all day. This lack of action over time creates the environment you're probably in now. One dead weight worker will bread other dead weight workers as they lack of action by the boss tells employees "it's ok to be unproductive and clueless."

In addition many dead weight workers are ass kissers and you know the incompetent boss likes his or her ass kissed and frequently, so now not only is the dead weight worker allowed to goof off all day, but somehow they get better raises and perks that you as a good worker don't get. It's truly amazing to see this environment and unfortunately at my past company I had to deal with it by implementing my Turtle Philosophy.

As you know I finally left my old company a few months ago and joined a really good company. My new company is trying to grow, has active management that understands that improvement is needed. An interesting thing is starting to happen as a result. For the first time in my career I'm seeing the "dead weight" get dumped. My new company realizes that every position counts and you can't have worthless dead weight employees cluttering things up and making it harder for people who want to try and succeed. This is a "wolf environment" and performance and results are the expectation and rewards follow.

I know it's only been a few months a my new company, but I am encouraged. It is great to have leadership that understands and is competent. I have been working my shell off and I finally feel I'm able to achieve. In my first few months at my new company I've received more positive feedback in encouragement than I have in the past 15 years I've been working combined. I'm a wolf in a wolf environment and dead weight just doesn't cut it. It's good to be a wolf!!

Life is Good!

2008-03-20T19:21:00.001-07:00

I know it's been a while since my last post and I apologize to my fellow turtles out there. It's been over two months at my new job and life is very good so far!

A fellow Turtle commented in an earlier post and wanted to know the difference between my new job vs. my old job. Let me see....

New Job: Freedom to make real change vs. Old Job: Suffocation by lazy upper manager

New Job: I actually get feedback & encouragement vs. Old Job: Beatdown after beatdown

New Job: Paid What I'm Worth vs. Old Job: Paid like I was a grocery store bagger.

New Job: My boss is inspiring vs. Old Job: My boss was old, fat, stupid, lazy and demotivating

New Job: I can't wait to go to work vs. Old Job: I couldn't wait for the day to end

New Job: I'm a Wolf vs. Old Job: I was a Turtle

My advice to any Turtle is really explore and understand what kind of company, environment and work you are. It is only after you have done some self assessment will you be able to find a company that fits who you are and what you do. When I was looking to leave my past company I really wanted to make sure I didn't just jump from one bad situation to another (see post Out of the Frying Pan). I really sat down and tried to understand why I was unhappy and what would make me happy. I came to realize that working for large companies with too many chiefs (and not enough indians) was not for me. That was one of the major factors in finding my new company and making the right decision. My self assessment paid off because my mindset, personality and work style fit a smaller company. Hopefully this advise helps some fellow turtles out there.

Turtle King

The Exit Interview

2008-02-19T18:54:00.000-08:00

Prior to dropping the Raid parting gift to my clueless ex boss I had my scheduled exit interview with Human Resources. I have written about the HR department at my old company in many posts and their tendancy for the bizarre and idiotic continued in my exit interview.

I first met with the HR manager to go over the exit interview form. In a nutshell the exit interview form is completely for show. You see the HR department at my former company has zero employees with any type of HR certifications. What they do is take ideas they see in HR magazines and implement them half assed, like the exit interview. There is zero understanding of how they can apply the exit interview information to improve the company, identify poor mangers, etc. In any case, I completed the exit interview assessing such areas as company culture, my boss, etc. Since I am competent and logical I provided actual written examples that supported my ratings of the areas of was assessing. Upon completing the form I hand it in to the HR Manager, who seeing low ratings for many of the categories seems astonished. She then uttered "Wow, I guess we really didn't do so well." "That's an understatement" I replied. Why the hell does she think I'm leaving? People don't leave places they like for the most part, they leave because they hate their boss. or their compensation or the company culture.

After a few minutes of mindless discussion the HR Manager sends me over to the HR Director. It's like going from dumb to dumber. At my past company, and probably the company you work for, the higher the title the dumber the person. The HR Director is no exception and I took advantage of her incompetence to identify why I was basically given a final written warning and poor performance review after having reviews of exceeding expectations. It was after about 10 minutes of discussion that the HR Director mentioned "this company is about face time." Viola!!! There it was. The reason why I was basically blackballed. You see at the company I left it's not what you did it's how long you were in the office. My idiot boss sits on his fat ass for 12 hours a day eating cereal and playing solitaire and was revered, yet I put in 8-9 hours and get significant results and I'm a lepper. Amazing!

Aside from getting away from my idiotic boss I realized after the exit interview how lucky I really was to be leaving. You see my past company has all the wrong values and culture. They believe in rewarding people for what they did 10-15 years ago (my boss is a prime example), not for what they do now or can do in the future. They also believe that "face time" means hard work. Maybe I should forward my post to the HR Director on a day in the life of my(former) boss.

The Bug: Burning Bridges

2008-02-15T18:56:00.000-08:00

It's been a month since my last real post and I must again apologize for the lag. I've been really busy at my new job and had to adjust to not dreading going to work everyday.

I'll catch you all up on my last days as a Turtle at my old company. I've written in previous posts about what I would do or like to do on my last day at my old company. Leading into my final days I had kept it low key, without really stirring the pot. Three days before my departure my idiot boss enters my office. He decides to throw a few shots my way. His comments were meant to make me re-think my leaving and even feel anxiety at the thought of starting a new job. I deflected his comments like the Turtle I am by blocking him out by thinking about the positives of me leaving.

After he left my office I started to boil a little. The part Wolf that I am began to emerge. "Who the hell does that fat ass think he is?" I asked myself. This guy has been a complete dickhead for the past year to me. He's given me a written warning without explanation, a shitty review and an even worse pay increase. He's taken shot after shot on me and I've had to take it because I really had no choice at the time. The wheels began to turn and my thoughts started to focus on my last day revenge. I couldn't do something idiotic or violent, even though the thought of taking a dump in his office crossed my mind. Instead I thought of something that I could do that I and rest of my co-workers could joke about.

On my last day I reported into work with my plan in place. With me I had brought a gift for my clueless boss. I had gift wrapped it in nice paper and included a nice little note. I waited til around 3:00pm in the afternoon and went into idiot's office. I handed him the gift.

"What's this" my boss asked.

"A little parting gift that I thought could help you out." I replied

My boss look bewildered and began to open the box.

"A can of Raid? What is this for?" he asked.

I quickly replied "Well, I figured you could use it. Since you've had a bug up your ass for over a year I thought you could use the Raid to kill it. You know me...team player just trying to help you out and save my former co-workers some stress. Later!" And I left his office, the building and never looked back.

I know you should never burn bridges but I figured why do I need a bridge, I'm looking ahead and never looking back!

Still a Turtle

2008-02-12T16:43:00.000-08:00

Fellow Turtles,

I have not abandoned you. I apologize for the lag in posting. With starting a new job, I've been a bit overwhelmed. I will be posted some new entries in the next few days that will bring me up to date. I have a great story to tell about how I said goodbye to my boss.

I may be a wolf..but I'm a Turtle at heart!!!

Turtle King.

Resignation Reality: Escaping My Prison

2008-01-10T17:42:00.000-08:00

One of my favorite books of all time is The Count of Monte Cristo by Alexandre Dumas. If you've never read the book or seen the movie you should. Why? Because I liken the story to what I and probably many others experience at work. In the book a young man named Edmund Dantes is a 2nd mate on a ship and proves himself to be worthy of becoming a captain of a ship at a very young age. As he sees this success in front of him, which also includes wedding his beautiful young fiance, it is stripped from him by scheming so called colleagues and he is imprisoned unjustly. He eventually escapes, acquires vast riches and takes on the moniker of the Count, exacting revenge on those who imprisoned him.

Now you're probably thinking "what the hell is Turtle King writing?" Well, much like the character in the book I have been full of energy and skill, promised positions, and had them pulled from in front of me only to see my opportunities go to complete idiots. I have been trapped in my current job for a long 4 years, feeling imprisoned much like the young Edmund Dantes. But much like the character I have finally made my escape and am free from my work prison. I have resigned today to take a better job for more pay, better incentives and better benefits and I feel ALIVE!!

But what about the revenge? Unlike the good 'ole Count, I have chosen to take the higher road and not partake in revenge. My revenge is in escaping my goofy company, incompetent boss, and idiotic executives.. There are times that I really think about giving my boss a few verbal shots for all he stress and heartache he has caused me, but then I realize...I'm better than that! Even as he threw a couple verbal jabs at me today I stayed calm, like the Turtle I am, and let them roll off my shell. In my mind I just kept thinking what a sad individual he is. He's old (64), he's fat, he's bald, he's incompetent, and he never was and never will be even half the leader I am. I take his jabs with a smile on my face, which pisses him off even more, I can see it in his face. He can no longer get to me because he has nothing over me and it irritates the shit out of him.

Yes, my fellow Turtles, I am free from my work prison! On to become a Wolf again!!

The Name Game

2008-01-03T19:31:00.000-08:00

I've written about my current boss more than a few times and if you are frequent visitor to this blog you've read these stories probably wondering the same thing I do. Almost each and everyday I ask myself "how the hell can someone at such a high level (my boss is a VP) be such a complete blithering idiot." We all have our bad days and moments in which we do something stupid, but this guy just seems to be amazingly consistent at being "out there".

Today as I sat in another pointless meeting my boss again proved that he is Captain Clueless. Each month he conducts a meeting to discuss issues with our company (note: nothing ever gets resolved in these meetings..shocker!!). It is at this monthly meeting that the name game begins. You see my boss doesn't really interact that often with other departments as he is too busy slurping down cereal, reading newspapers or playing solitaire to actually leave his office often. So in these meeting he constantly calls on people or refers to people incorrectly, many times confusing people's names or even coming up with a name that nobody in the meeting has.

For example he'll start of the meeting by discussing an issue. My boss today called on one of our managers, Greg, but he looked at him and said "Bill, can you give us an update?". The funny thing with this is that Greg, nor anyone else ever corrects Captain Clueless and instead answers by the name my boss called him. So Greg has now become Bill in the eyes of my boss. There are about 4 other people in these meetings that have an alias as provided by my boss and they never correct him either when he incorrectly calls on them by another name.

When my boss first started doing this it was especially difficult on me as he would ask me things about people in the meeting, referring to their alias name he had mistakenly called them. Rather than correct him, I stuck to my Turtle philosophy and rolled with it.

I just wonder when he discusses people with the other big shots if they can follow him or if they correct him when he errs in referring to someone by the wrong name. Most of the big shots at my company are 60+ years old and their brains have been inactive for years as they've coasted in early retirement mode. They probably don't bother correcting him either and thus the name game continues!

Dude..Where's My Car?

2008-01-02T18:56:00.000-08:00

It was 12:30 and I was coming back from lunch. I was listening to ESPN radio and wanted to hear the latest football update. As I was waiting through the barrage of radio commercials I happened to see my boss wandering in the parking lot. He had his briefcase (a prop incompetent people use to look like they're important) and seemed to be in a hurry. He probably was in a rush to eat lunch as much like the Orca Whale, he needs to consume several times his own weight in order to survive.

Over the course of the next 25 minutes I watched as my boss aimlessly wandered the parking lot. At first I wondered what the hell he was doing, then I realized the idiot had forgotten where he parked his car. As he moved up and down the parking lot I saw him frantically hitting his car lock button on his keys in an attempt to locate his vehicle.

After watching my boss for a good 10 minutes, my attention then turned to trying to locate his car and see how far away he was from it. I found it almost immediately as he drives a white vehicle and there weren't many white vehicles in the parking lot at this time, so for me (being competent and logical) I was able to locate it fairly easily.

Several times he came within 10 feet of it, only to turn in the opposite direction, walking farther and farther way. He then decided that the car lock technique was not working and I watched him attempt to use the bumper of a pickup truck to try and survey the parking lot. I took great joy in watching him nearly fall on his ass as he misjudged stepping down, stumbled and nearly flopped to the ground.

He then seemed like he was on track as he was headed in the direction of his car. I thought for sure that he had found it and my entertainment was over, but then the amazing happened. He walked right past his vehicle. Again, his car is white and was the only white car in the area he was walking. In addition the back of his vehicle has an Ohio State football sticker with an Ohio State license plate frame. Surely he would have had to have seen these crystal clear indicators (white car, Ohio sticker and license plate frame), but amazingly he must did not. In fact he walked past his car 5 more times until suddenly he went back to the car lock button and his car beeped.

My boss is a complete ball buster and will take every opportunity to mow you down. He is a relentless prick and acts as if he is completely aware of everything that is going on. Yet, how ironic is it that this supposedly omnipotent uber boss has to wander the parking lot looking for his car because he can't remember where he parked it just a few hours earlier.

Next Post: Name Game

Dear Turtle King

2007-12-15T17:09:00.000-08:00

Recently a fellow Turtle at Work "VirgoCusp" posted the following comment, asking for my assistance:

"I need the Turtle King's help. Maybe you can enlist other turtles to help to. A Co-worker of mine asked what can be done to stop a "wall hanger". A "wall hanger" being a neighbor in cube town who constantly hangs over your ajoining wall to gab about nonsense and draw attention while you wish to remain anonymous. This combined with "the loud talker" can prove to be a problem for us turtles at work."

This can be a difficult situation for any Turtle. The "wall hanger" or "cube gofer" will peep over their part of the cube to invade your space and annoy you with meaningless drabble. The "wall hanger" can easily be handled by applying proper Turtle strategy. When the wall hanger peeps up and begins to talk you simply continue to stare forward at your screen completely ignoring him or her. Remember that being a Turtle at Work means not going on the offensive. If you try to solve the "wall hanger" by telling him or her to piss off or get lost you draw attention to yourself. If you simply always look "too busy" to talk you serve two purposes. If your boss walks by you look busy while the "wall hanger" looks like a goof off. You thus draw positive attention to yourself as your boss thinks you're a hard work, when really you're not busy at all and the "wall hanger" will get smacked around by your boss and thus leave you alone for fear of getting in trouble.

This approach will work for any of the annoying office personalities. Remember, the key to being a Turtle at Work is to blend in, lay low and deflect attention. If you look busy at all times and simply ignore the annoying people you work with, they'll eventually get theirs from the boss, while you Turtle along. I hope that helps not only Virgocusp, but any other Turtles out there.

If you have any situations that you want advice on simply post a comment or email me at king.oftheturtles@gmail.com.

Holidays: A Merry Bunch of Slackers, Idiots, and Annoyers

2007-11-25T14:40:00.000-08:00

If you work in an office setting like I do, then you know that the holidays in the office are wondrous, in that each year I wonder how the various idiots I work with can annoy me. I'm a Turtle at Work, but I'm not a slacker or an idiot. There's a huge difference in being a Turtle in that I just chose to do as little as possible because I realize that my efforts will not result in anything better for me. A slacker or idiot is like a robot as they really are not self aware or realize anything, they go through life completely oblivious to others. They are in essence fake and hollow people.

Well, the holidays are prime time for these goofballs in the office I work and I'm sure they're revved up for another holiday season. For those of you not in the loop let me lay out the case of holiday characters:

The Decorator. This is the person in your office that spends countless hours decorating their cubicle or office. The decorating is never done on their time, but instead is done in the middle of the workday. Nothing is ever said to them because they are just so god damned merry and happy that your boss wouldn't dare approach the Decorator for fear of being roped into some holiday discussion. This is how the Decorator gets away with it every year.

The 3rd Grade Teacher. Do you remember your 3rd grade teacher? Mine was Mrs. Ravel and every year around the holidays she would unleash a barrage of holiday sweaters. I swear the woman had 30 of these things. Well, there are office versions of your 3rd grade teacher. In my office there is a woman that wears different holiday sweaters and shirts everyday leading up to the holiday. One day it will be a sweater with a reindeer on it, the next a santa shirt..it never flippin ends.

The Organizer. Around the holidays you may have some type of holiday party or buffet at your work. There probably is one person or maybe a couple that is in charge or organizing the party and basically that is their only real output for the entire year. They will work tremendously hard to organize the party and get every detail in order. It's amazing because usually the party turns out pretty good. Following the holiday party they revert back to lumps and do nothing until the holiday arrives again. Then they become ultra productive party planners again.

The Doomsday Profit. As we enter winter the chance for inclement weather gets greater. You'll be talking with co-workers maybe saying something like "I think we're going to have a mild winter" and that's when The Doomsday Profit swoops in from nowhere to quip "looking at the almanac I hear it's going to be the worst winter yet." Everyone hopes for a mild winter are dashed as The Profit continues with his or her barrage of wintry facts. Then when a potential storm enters the area you'll hear The Profit saying "this is gonna be a big one....20 inches" yet only a 1/4 of an inch falls.

The Window Licker. Every winter you can expect snow at some point. It's not really a big deal to most, but if you are at work when it snows, the Windor Lickers will come out of the woodwork and stay pasted in front of a window with a glazed look on their faces. It's as if they've never seen snow before and they are amazed. If there are multiple Window Lickers they'll converse with witty comments like "looks like snow" or "wow...sure is snowing out there".

The Religious Fanatic. Most who celebrate Christmas realize that the holiday is a celebration of the birth of Jesus. However, each year the highly religious person(s) in your office will make it there mission to constantly review with everyone the religious aspect of what Christmas means. Now, I'm certainly not anti-religious, but the office is not the place or time to hear about this kind of stuff. Plus, the Religious fanatic will also point out that Christmas is not about gifts and that Santa Claus is not a religious figure and should not be represented in association with the Holiday.

Well...those are the cast of characters I have to deal with each holiday season. Hopefully you don't or at least don't have to deal with all of them. Feel free to post your holiday season idiots in the comment section.

Resignation Fantasy

2007-11-15T14:59:00.000-08:00

A fellow Turtle recently posted a comment stating how Turtles at Work has really helped them. In the same comment though, the person noted that they still crave to become a Wolf again and be surrounded by other wolves in a productive and rewarding environment. In commenting back to this person I noted that I too shared the dream of one day becoming a Wolf (agressive, motivated worker).

Recently I have had some job opportunities pop up that not only provide me with better compensation, but also re-introduce me to a Wolf environment. An environment in which I will be able to actually achieve, thrive, and be rewarded for my skills and abilities. As I day dreamed today in my office I began thinking of the opportunities.

Over the past few years I have survived incompetence around me through my Turtle philosophy. I have had to deal with idiots above me that have no clue about people and how important it is to say "thank you" or "job well done". I have dealt with the fact that my company pays poorly, so although I am a quality individual, I am surrounded by drones that clock in and out (these are not Turtles, they're sloths...big difference). I also have had this system of mediocracy beat me down with meaningless performance reviews and shitty, why bother, pay increases.

It is with all that anger that I then turn my thoughts to my resignation letter. I have pondered the thought of how I would handle my resignation. Do I stay classy and be very short and sweet, never uttering a negative word? Or.. Do I let go the frustration of the past few years and really lay the wood on my boss and the idiots I've had to endure? If I go with the ladder of the two I'm reminded of the classic Chevy Chase movie Christmas Vacation in which is utters the following rant about his boss and the shitty raise he received for Christmas:

I want to look him straight in the eye and I want to tell him what a…….. cheap, lying, no-good, rotten,four-flushing, low-life, snake-licking, dirt-eating, inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, blood-sucking, dog-kissing, brainless, dickless, hopeless, heartless, fat-ass, bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spotty-lipped, worm-headed sack of monkey shit he is! Hallelujah! Holy shit! Where’s the Tylenol? (Note: I've posted a You Tube clip of it on the sidebar).

What Irritates You at Work?

2007-11-08T16:35:00.000-08:00

Today I begin my day by printing out a report that I was sent. It's early in the day and very few people are in the office. I say to myself "I'll have a few moments hear to read this over in silence before the idiots come in." I stroll over to the printer and instead of seeing my report I'm greeted by the amber color flashing "printer error" button. For the 10,000th time the printer has jammed when I wanted to print something and as usual I practically pull the printer completely apart and cannot find the jam. I basically say "fuck it" and question why the hell I'm even reading a report in the first place...I'm a Turtle. But I'm reminded that our cheap and constantly screwed up printer is just one of the many irritations I encounter in my work week.

I then sit down in my office and begin to rattle off a bunch of other irritations that completely drive me insane. I then think..wouldn't it be an interesting challenge to my fellow Turtles out there to see what irritates you? You see, I write all the time about my experiences and philosophy and never really give you all a chance to vent to me. Now is your chance!

You can either respond to this post with a comment or go to the Turtles at Work message board and post what irritates you. I have created a Work Irritations post there. Feel free to tell me your irritations and maybe through Turtle Therapy we can help relieve some of your irritations. LOL.

Turtle King

Halloween at Work: Not a Trick or Treat!

2007-11-01T16:35:00.001-07:00

Halloween used to be one of my favorite holidays of the year. To some extent it still is, especially since I have a young child. The part or should I say person, that sours me on Halloween is a manager that happens to report to me. She is the typical drama queen personality I wrote about in an earlier post and Halloween is her time to shine and squeeze every bit of attention out of everyone and anyone that crosses her path. This Halloween was no different than the previous 3 Halloweens. I enter the building and try to quietly enter my office as I know she is lurking around waiting to bounce in and show me her costume. I am in my office for about 20 seconds and my back is to the door. I begin to get goosebumps and feel an eery presence in my doorway. I turn and nearly scream in horror..it's her and this year she is bolder than ever.

Now this woman is about 5 foot 7 inches and weighs about 220 lbs with a hairstyle that looks like a beehive gone wrong. Honestly she probably doesn't need to dress up for Halloween because her normal appearance, clothing and make-up are pretty scary to begin with. But this year she is dressed as some kind of tribal witch doctor. She is wearing an very ornate head dress made of peacock feathers and beads. She also has a lion hair necklace and is wearing a cheetah patterned shirt and pants. Last year she was a cat and I thought that was pretty bad, but this year she has far out done herself. To make matters worse she begins to talk to me like a mix between a Jamaican and a New Yorker. She had an entire barrage of sayings ready to unload on me and after each one laughed (she was the only one laughing). I humored her for the time she was in my office, not saying much as I didn't want to prolong the agony. The Drama Queen/Witch Doctor finally leaves my office to unleash her day of annoyance on the rest of the company.

For the next 8 hours I heard her reel in anyone that walked by and repeat her Witch Doctor script. Over and over and over again, complete with a laugh after each stupid saying. At one point I escaped my office and tried to mill around other areas just to get away. She followed and continued her barrage on other departments. The funny thing about Drama Queens is that they don't realize that other people (a) don't find them funny and (b) don't really want to be around them. True to form, my Drama Queen/Witch Doctor just charged on because she really didn't care if people wanted to be around her as she just imposed her big personality onto everyone.

Finally 5pm rolled around and I literally jogged to the door to get the hell out of there. As I hit the parking lot I see her bumbling around in her stupid outfit, scanning the parking lot, just waiting for some poor sucker to cross her path so she could unleash her nonsense just one more time before she goes home and loses her captive audience.

For Halloween I dressed a a Turtle at Work. No one...not the Drama Queen or my clueless boss even knew it. That's the beauty of being a Turtle at Work!!! I wear my costume all year round, but unlike the Drama Queen, I lay low and stay in my shell as much as possible. It's not easy though when you have Drama Queen's and other annoying people you work with, but you gotta suck it up sometimes because that's what Turtles at Work do!!

I hope everyone out there had a better Halloween than I did. LOL

A Call To All Turtles

2007-10-28T09:29:00.000-07:00

It's been 7 months since I started the Turtles at Work blog and it's been a fun ride so far. I've received a lot of great comments and hopefully helped some folks realize that there are others out there that have problems with idiotic bosses, poor work environments, etc. Hopefully I've helped some of you through some tough times and maybe even made you laugh about some of my weird experiences as a Turtle at Work.

In trying to build Turtles at Work, I need some help from my fellow Turtles. I have a challenge for all of you who frequent Turtles at Work. I need help in spreading the word about this blog. If you have friends, family, or anyone who you think would be interested in reading this blog, spread the word either in email or word of mouth. Unfortunately, as you have read, I'm completely broke so I can't award any prizes for what I am asking. Sorry : (. Hopefully though you'll take the challenge and help the good ole Turtle King out. The larger readership I can build the more I can enhance the site and offer more features, content, etc. In order to do that I need more readers like you!

I'll have some more interesting posts and welcome any feedback or ideas on what you'd like to hear about. You can leave me a comment below or email me at king.oftheturtles@gmail.com. Thank you all for your support.

Turtle King

Sequence of Events

2007-10-26T13:54:00.001-07:00

My company has no strategy, a mission statement that doesn't really make sense and a executive staff that is comprised of 60+ year old, overpaid lumps. When it comes to actually making decisions or improvements everything moves at a snail's pace. However there are a few things my company executes with precision. There are 3 events that somehow always come together, on time, quickly and in exact sequence. These 3 events are, in order:

1. United Way "guilt meetings"
2. Pay Increases (if you want to call them that)
3. Benefit Open Enrollment

Basically we start with mandatory United Way meetings, which I refer to as "Guilt Meetings". You have to sit through 1 to 2 hours of hearing about sob stories and watching videos. I don't want to sound heartless because I do feel bad for the children and people that are impacted by the United Way. I just resent the fact that these meeting are mandatory and that I'm felt that I have to give or I'm considered a bad person. Then you have these rumor spreaders that comment about how our president personally looks at the list of United Way contributions to see who did and didn't give. My company treats the employees, including myself, like shit on a daily basis, if anyone needs help it's us.

The next event that directly follows the United Way "guilt meetings" is the announcement of pay increases. My company is shrewd in that they wait til you have already pledged an amount to the United Way, and only after that timeframe the pay increases are announced. This year my increase was 1.2%, which is incredibly poor. It amounts to about $14 per week. My boss is emotionless as he gives me the increase and doesn't even thank me for my effort.

And finally the benefits enrollment period. This follows the pay increase announcement and is a time in which all employees learn how my company is again going to jack up the cost of benefits. Usually something like eye care or dental care takes a real hit as we get a new provider that no doctor in the area accepts. The increase this year was a total of $18 additional deducted per week to pay for health care.

So if you look at this sequence of events you can see why my company is incredibly good at executing these things perfectly and it's all about screwing the employees. First you give to the United Way, let's say $5 a week. Then you get your pay increase $14 per week. Then the benefits enrollment increase results in employee payments of $18 more per week. So when you do the math salary goes up $14 per week, but after deducting United Way and benefits increase you actually are making $9 per week less this year as compared to last year. Isn't that just perfect.

Now I don't believe in all the guilt crap my company gives on the United Way so I don't give a penny. But regardless I'm still making less this year than last because our benefits go up. It's just another example of how my idiotic company screws employees, reduces morale and performance. If you know you are going to get screwed like this, then being a Turtle at Work is the only option. It's not easy to deal with, but until you can escape to a company that actually cares about employees, you just have to suck it up, and hide within the shell!

Second Guessed!

2007-10-21T19:57:00.000-07:00

One of the greatest flaws I have to deal with at my current company is our organizational structure. It's a typical hierarchical structure that makes it near impossible to get things done. You have to go through several layers of approval that even something as simple as buying office supplies for your department is an adventure. As a middle manager at my company, when I do actually make a decision and try to avoid the approval traffic jam I get second guessed. Actually I get third, fourth and fifth guessed most of the time as other department heads feel the need to add their opinion because of the political nature of my company.

Recently I made a hiring decision for a position that took 2 years for approval. Basically I had suggested a position be created based on a business need. I had done research and a return on investment analysis to show that the position was needed. Finally after 2 years I hear it is ok to go ahead with hiring for the position. The position gets posted and I begin my interview process. Unlike most of the idiots at my company, I actually have a formal interview form that is designed to link interview questions to key competencies required for a given position. I have been very successful in hiring quality candidates as a result. I go through several interviews, updating my superiors along the way, until I finally make a decision for hire. I submit the decision to HR and an offer is made an accepted (enter the 2nd guessing).

I update my superiors on my hiring decision and am immediately barraged with questions on why I hired who I hired. The one big shot actually began to huff at me and threw out the F bomb a few times, acting like my 3 year old. Now, these guys knew I was interviewing yet took zero interest in being involved. I make a decision and hire someone and get all kinds of theatrics. "Why me" I think to myself as I have to hear big shot after big shot criticize me, without reason, for my decision. As a Turtle I do what I know best. I basically remain silent and take the punishment from these idiots. If I speak up, it will only fuel their criticism further and prolong the agony.

Lesson from the Turtle King: You Can't Get Second Guessed If You Don't Make Decisions

I realized that by making a decision I have gone outside the shell. I should have interviewed but deferred my decision back to the big shots so that they could argue (probably for months) over who to hire. Finally, my recommendation for this position came when I was still a wolf (high performer). Now that I'm a Turtle I should have stated that I didn't think the position was needed any longer, which again would have been "laying low" like the Turtle I am.

If you are at a company that is completely hierarchical, with log jam decision making, being a Turtle is the best way to cope. Why get caught up in the decision process when you can avoid making decisions like everyone else. If you do try and make decisions you'll probably get second, third, and fourth guessed like I did. It's just not worth it.

Barrage Them With Bullshit

2007-10-18T14:17:00.000-07:00

I talk to many people over the course of my day at work. Some people I enjoy to chat with, while others I avoid like the plague. Today as I was walking through the hallway and came across one of our maintenance guys named Doug. Doug is an older guy, probably around 60 years old. He's been with our company for around 25 years and knows how idiotic things can be. He's a veteran Turtles at Work and understands and lives by the Turtle philosophy without even knowing about the Turtles at Work blog.

Doug always gives me nuggets of advice. Today, he came up with an all time classic. I was telling Doug about how hard I used to try and how detailed I am in my work, yet it is constantly overlooked and ignored. Doug turned to me and said "Turtle (inserted for my real name), if you can't dazzle them with brilliance, barrage them with bullshit." Spoken like a true Turtle at Work.

The big shots above me don't want to hear about real problems or see in depth analysis. They want to hear, what Doug refers to as "bullshit". It's easy for the top dogs to understand because they lack any depth and utilize bullshit themselves to stay on top. I caught my boss once in a meeting explaining something in bullshiteese (bullshit language of top executives) to other big shots and our President. He was completely off in his explanation and I was amazed that the other big shots just took what he was saying and moved on. They asked no questions or clarification, just let him go.

There is much to be learned as a Turtle in the above. If the big shots above you are going to use bullshit to stay on top, then you must use bullshit to lay low like the Turtle at Work you are. You know your boss will not follow-up on what you are saying so as Doug says "barrage them with bullshit". It's worked for him and it can work for other Turtles out there as well.

Does Your Company Fail the Grade?

2007-10-15T14:35:00.000-07:00

Recently I was contacted by a recruiter conerning a position. I was very excited by the contact and the chance to escape from the dungeon (my current company). I spoke with the recruiter for about an hour as he filled me in on the position and company that he was trying to fill a position for. I was very encouraged and am awaiting word back on next steps.

The recruiter gave me his website and encouraged me to review his background and the site overall. In looking over the recruiter's site I found that he publishes a newsletter with some pretty good content. I came across one of his articles in which he talks about the type of company you work for and translates the types into "grades". I thought I'd share the following with all you Turtles as I thought it was very worth while and thought provoking:

What Grade is Your Company?
"Grade A and B companies generally want upwardly mobile people. Grade C companies want people who can perform a specific task adequately. Grade D companies want the cheapest person they can find. Look around you and decide where you are and what you want to be. The earlier in your career you recognize it the easier it is to change."

I, like many of you are stuck in a Grade D company. They want the world, but pay pennies. When your stuck with a Grade D company you are going to become a Turtle eventually because D companies don't want high performers, they want warm bodies. Grade D companies generally are going to pay the upper echelon big shots way to much and the people who actually make the company run way to little. It's a reality that I experience day in and day out. If you are with a Grade D company, take the recruiters advice and make a change. I can only hope this recruiter can hook me up with the Grade A company he is recruiting for. Unfortunately if that happens I have to hang it up as a Turtle at Work and go back to being a Wolf. We'll see!!

The New Guy

2007-10-11T16:37:00.000-07:00

There is usually excitement surrounding the start of a new job. You accept a position at a company and feel liberated and pumped at the possibilities you will encounter as you start. We've all been there and it's a great feeling. But soon that feeling turns sour as you realize the political bullshit you have to deal with, the nitpicking boss you have and the annoying co-workers you are stuck with. Your once promising attitude sours over time as these burdens weigh on you and...turn you into a Turtle at Work

This week we were welcomed by a "New Guy" in our department. The "New Guy" entered our department all smiles and cliches. He shook everyone's hand and mentioned that "he's looking to make an impact!" Everyone in the group gave the fake smile, and you could almost see what everyone was thinking. We all had the "this was once me...poor bastard doesn't even know what he got himself into does he?" look on our faces.

As a Turtle at Work there are a couple things that you just don't do when dealing with the "New Guy". You may feel bad for him and try and tell him how bad things are. Don't do it! Turtles aren't like Wolves. We're not pack animals..we keep to ourselves and lay low. If you try and be helpful you are at risk. What if the "New Guy" is a snitch or a work mole for your idiot boss. Also don't try to be helpful to the "New Guy" by telling him the ins and outs of the company. Did anyone help you when you started..probably not. Usually the "New Guy" will be filled with positivity and will tell everyone how helpful you are. Next thing you know others are coming to you for help. Remember..you are a Turtle...you don't need the attention!

Don't try to be a hero. You're a Turtle at Work! Let the "New Guy" be the hero. He'll learn soon enough that your company sucks, he doesn't need your help to figure that out!

What Makes People Tick?

2007-10-07T07:33:00.000-07:00

I have realized one glaring flaw in all the big shots that have managed to turn me from a high performing employee to a Turtle at Work. They don't understand the human element! What do I mean by the human element you ask? In short, it's what makes people tick and what drives each individual.

Let's face it, most people really don't want to work. How do I know this? Take a look at the number of people who play the lottery each week. People don't want to work for the most part, but they have to. Why? To support a family or lifestyle that they like. To do things outside of work that bring enrichment and happiness. Now I know there are those chosen few who wake up and just love what they do and wouldn't trade if for the world. Bravo to you, you are the .001% of people who feel that way. The other 99.999% must grind it out at a job that is not full filling to them, but pays the bills.

But back to what makes people tick. One of the most important factors of leadership is understanding people and what drives them. You'll hear the saying "leave your emotions or home life at the door" when you come into work. This statement was made by one of the moron big shots that just doesn't get it. We are human beings damn it! When there are situations going on in your life it is impossible for most to separate work from home.

I've had employees that were high performers and suddenly their performance began to drop. As a leader that understands the "human factor" I understand that behavior is driven from a root cause. Great employees just don't suddenly become horrible. There is a reason for this change in behavior and it's the job of the leader to identify it and help the employee get back on track. When I have had this situation I have talked to the employee to try to get to the root cause and then worked with them and tried to help them. Basically I cared about these people as individuals, tried to understand what was going on, tried to help and as a result got them back on track. If you care about the individual the worker will emerge and be better.

The clueless manager will not handle the situation this way. The manager that does not understand the "human factor" just sees an under-performing worker that needs to be disciplined. They'll call the employee in and issue a warning or discipline and feel great about what they've done. Meanwhile the employee feels like their manager does care about them, and continues to spiral downwards. Eventually the employee is probably disciplined further, demoted or fired. It doesn't have to end like that if the manager understands people.

We are all humans (except for those few aliens living amongst us...LOL) . Far to often poor managers forget that fact and overlook what really drives people. A good manager understands what makes a person tick and tries to get to the root cause of behavior changes that impact performance. We all have problems outside of work that influence us at work. I just wish some of the clueless morons I report to would realize this. They don't and probably never will, which is why I'm a Turtle at Work instead of a Wolf.

It's Not Easy

2007-10-03T18:12:00.000-07:00

Aside from posting on the Turtles at Work blog, I tend to visit message boards like Monster.com and post some comments from time to time. Frequently I receive post responses or emails from people with the advice "you should find a new job". They are right, of course, but it's not that easy, if it were I would no longer be unhappy because I would be at my "new job". Let me illustrate for all the happy advice givers, why getting a "new job" is not easy:

Job Sites Suck. Job sites like Monster.com and Careerbuilder.com very rarely show you the job you are searching for. So for example, if I type "Director of Operations" in Monster and click "search" the first 5 relevant jobs that come up are: Independent Insurance Agent, Financial Sales/Investment Consultant, RN Supervisor, Registered Nurse, and Account Manager - Commercial Accounts. How the hell are any of these related to the job title I'm looking for? Answer??? They're not. When I try other job titles or keywords the same thing happens. Maybe Monster and other sites should focus less on commercials and more on programming their job search to come up with relevant jobs.
Companies Suck. When you do eventually find a job that matches your search criteria you are amazed. You review the responsibilities and requirements of the job and find that you match up very closely. You apply feeling like you have a great shot. Then weeks go by with no response. I realize companies get tons of applicants, but you can purchase programs that auto-generate a response. At least give people the common courtesy of knowing the resume they sent was received. But...that's why companies suck and their HR departments also suck!
Recruiters Suck. Many (not all) of recruiters out there are vultures. They find your resume and hover over you. You are their meal ticket and they don't want to lose you to another vulture. You hear from them 2 or 3 times a day, then suddenly nothing. You try to contact them, no response. They've found another, better meal ticket and your history.

It's not easy finding another job. It is easy though for others to just throw out advice to "get a new job". That's why those people suck too! Until you do find another job though, stay within the shell!

Welcome New Turtles

2007-09-28T19:15:00.000-07:00

Well, there hasn't been a flood of new people posting to the Guest Map (located on the right sidebar under the best of section). But..we do have a new addition.

Welcome Aboard:

Anonymous Annie of Birmingham Alabama

Annie joins:

XT Mapper of Canada
The Physical Worker of Canada
Jessica V of California
Tike from LA. California
JenEsh from Ohio
Steve from South Carolina
Robert Cenek of http://www.thecenekreport.com/
Graham from Australia

Feel free to join these Turtles at Work by signing the guest map. As you can see, you don't have to post your real name and the map is completely anonymous. In fact, i'd be interested in seeing what catchy "turtle" type names you can come up with. Thanks again to all that visit Turtles at Work. Join the Turtle nation!!!

Turtle King

The Performance Review Myth

2007-09-28T18:36:00.000-07:00

I'm sure many of you have the pleasure of receiving a performance review at the end of the year. Your company touts the performance review as being incredibly important. Your witty HR person will comment "the performance review ties directly to your pay increase" and your boss will mention "we pay for high performance". In some companies all of the above may very well be true, but in the incredibly horrid companies most of us work for this is ...well...complete bullshit. Let me address this in several bullet points to demonstrate for you all the myths relating to performance reviews:

Myth 1: Performance Reviews are Important. Hmm... it's so important that every year I'm asked by my boss to submit to him a self evaluation. This is because my boss is too damn lazy to take the time to write my review himself. Instead he will take what I have written and just cut and past it into the review. To make himself feel better he will add one measly sentence that degrades me (see destructive criticism post) and rate me 2 levels below what my self evaluation grade was. The sentence he adds also has zero ounce of fact or truth in it and he cannot give me any examples of what he means. Gee thanks!
Myth 2: Performance Reviews Reward (monetarily) High Performers. As a manager I have the pleasure of seeing what salary increases my people get as part of their reviews. I can tell you that high performance does not equal high monetary rewards. My company flat out rewards employees with the following % increases: 1% (meets expectations), 2% (exceeds expectations), 3% (far exceeds expectations). So based on these reward system, an employee making $40k a year will only get $13 more a paycheck for far exceeding expectations vs. just meeting expectations. Whoopdy do! That's why everyone in my company is mediocre. People came in, realized they would get shitty increases, and figured why try harder than I have to.
Myth 3: Your Review is Based on the Entire Year. We all know the suckasses who do nothing for the first 8 months of the year, then turn it on the last 4 months and get a dandy review. Reviews are very rarely based on the entire year because bosses are too damn lazy to keep records and meet with their employees throughout the year to discuss progress, accomplishments and improvement points. If you did something great at the end of the year your boss will think of that when reviewing you. If you slipped up at the end of the year, even though you performed well overall, expect a crappy review. It's sad, but true.
Myth 4: Your Review Can Be Changed. During your review your boss gives you a bum rating in a category or overall. You provide documentation and proof that clearly shows that the rating is not consistent to your performance. SOL my friend. Your boss took zero time on your review to begin with because they just want to get it over with. They certainly aren't going to allow more time to listen to a dispute of their rating. Furthermore, most bosses are egomaniacs and will flip out that you are even questioning the rating.

Most companies out there talk the talk about performance reviews, but don't walk the walk. Does your company conduct training on performance reviews to make sure management knows how to properly write and conduct a review? Probably Not! Does anyone at your company look at the reviews for consistency and accuracy? Probably Not! There are many myths about the performance review, but there is one truth; the performance review at most companies are a formality and have zero value or reward for employees! If you are a Turtle at Work, you are one because of this fact!