TV Love Child

I don't hate Glee.

2011-02-15T16:16:00.000-08:00

I don’t.

Really. I don’t.

Ah. The good old days...

I can’t. It is physically and emotionally impossible for me to hate Glee. Why? Because despite all my personality, my education, my assertions of my own epic awesomeness, at my core, there is a 13 year old teenybopper with braces and pigtails who has plastered her dark corner of my insides with ‘NSYNC posters and scattered volumes of Roswell fan fiction.

While this is something I’ve had to come to terms with (or hide from my love ones, not unlike someone who heavily self-medicates), it doesn’t help that her next door neighbor is a nerdy, quasi-hipster kid, who goes on long tirades about how Mad Men is all flash and no substance and Firefly is a manifesto by which everyone should live their lives.

So, on Valentine’s night, in the spirit of the hoards of the lonely and desperate who do things they know they’ll regret in the morning, I decided to go back on the promise I made to myself only one month ago:

I was going to catch up on Glee.

And like a hung-over, bedraggled co-ed, I emerged from behind my computer screen, older, wiser, covered in self-pity and chocolate crumbs, yet determined to not let this experience go to waste. I give you:

Somewhere deep in the TVLove war bunker...

TV Love Child's 6 Point Plan to Save Glee (From Itself)

Point One: Ditch the Dead Weight.

Glee has, I believe the technical industry term is, a shit load of characters. If the show gets rid of all the unnecessary, boring characters, the show wouldn’t have to stretch its plot so thin (which is already as the thickness of spandex. Glittery, glittery spandex).

My suggestion?

Oh. Ew.

Dump Tina -- who hasn’t been interesting since she lost her stutter and the writers mistook goth for punk rock.

Dump Finn – who couldn’t act his way out of a paper bag and makes Ducan “the House Plant” Kane look like Robin Williams. Lips McSixPack is more than able to pick up the slack.

Dump Rachel – who’s nagging and control ways aren’t funny anymore, and frankly, her broadway voice and duck lips singing face make me want to punch babies.

Point Two: Leave the Karaoke to Kidz Bop.

Do something original. If I wanted to hear a song done by a bunch of nondescript kids… I’d probably put a gun in my mouth, because that’s not a world I want to live in… but regardless, I’d be more apt to see through your hundred musical numbers every episode, if I could see something I wouldn’t get at a karaoke bar in West Hollywood. Which brings us to…

Subsection a: I get it. They sing. A LOT.

The network wants to make money. And you make more money with 6 songs per episode (that you can then release on iTunes and various Glee albums) than with 3. But OH MY GOD, I don’t want to sit through the whole damn Lady Antebellum number just to establish Rachel wants to make Finn jealous. The music should highlight the plot. Not substitute for it.

Point Three: Continuity. There should be some.

This was more of a problem at the end of season one, but it’s still valid. If Puck likes to destroy stuff, we should see him destroying stuff. How did Jesse just disappear from school for a week because his friends were on spring break? Why does Kurt seem to forget every week that his dad loves him?

As the folks on the fabulous Extra Hot Great once said, without continuity, we’re just watching short clips featuring the same actors with the same character names.

Point Four: Save the theme shows for the real music legends.

Justin Bieber.

Cut your hair, hippie!

JUSTIN.

BIEBER.

Seriously?! Come on. SERIOUSLY?!

Point Five: Interesting characters have dimensions. Not catchphrases.

Brittany is dumb. Mike Chang is Asian. Santana is an attention-seeking bitch.

How much more interesting would it be if we learned something about these characters?

The character we know the most about is Kurt, because he is Ryan Murphy’s avatar in the series. We get to meet his dad and learn about life. Same for Finn.

Why haven’t we seen how Rachel interacts with her two dads? What about Mercedes? Or Tina? How is Brittany passing high school? Where did Mike Chang learn to dance?

If there isn’t a lesson in it for the audience, we don’t get to know. Degrassi had more characters than Glee and managed to make each of them shine. I know the songs take time (see point 3.a), but without knowing who these people are (and I suspect the writers don’t even know) how can we give a crap?

Point Six: OH MY GOD. I GET IT. YOU SING.

Seriously. Cut it out.

Will Ryan Murphy heed my advice? Probably not. But to be fair, it's very hard to hear from behind his wall of rabid teenage fag hags and that laughing he does all the way to the bank.

Now, with all this meditation on a theme, let’s take a look into the old crystal ball for:

TV Love Child’s Shot in the Dark:

Something happens to the Warbler’s warbler (because if you should a bird in the first act, it better die a horrible death in the third) and it’s all Kurt and Blaine's fault! They lose regionals and transfer back to McKinley. Blaine will be very upset with Kurt, but Kurt and his bully (turned friend) will end up dating, making Blaine incredibly jealous.

Does your Glee plan include something I missed? Do you think my predictions are way off? Want to declare a musical jihad on my cynical ass? Love eogier's photoshopping skillz? Leave a comment below.

MPG and Late Night

2009-06-12T13:20:00.000-07:00

If you were a child or teenager in the 90s, you’re probably keeping close watch on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon.

No, not for the Roots (the best band in late night, maybe the best band period). Not for the awkward comedy stylings of Jimmy Fallon.

For moments like last Monday.

I’m not a big JF fan. But the fact that he is two ‘yes’s away from a full Saved By the Bell reunion qualifies him for sainthood.

The fact that he got Mark-Paul Gosselaar to resurrect Zack Morris for a full ten-minute bit including music from Zack Attack? We should be worshiping him as a deity.

Well, yes, MPG was plugging Raising the Bar, a show I have yet to see BTW, and that the whole affair had a twinge of awkwardness, but come on. Even the luckiest degenerate gamblers wouldn’t have bet on that.

But how amazing would this reunion be? I know I’m not the only one who can’t hear anyone say, “I’m so excited” without finishing “I’m so scared” in his or her head. I know I’m not the only one who still remembers all the words to the theme song or snip-bits of choreography to “the Sprain.” It’s our childhood! I even watch “Good morning Miss Bliss” if its on. That’s dedication.

It might be a rating stunt. But frankly, it worked. I watch Late Night as often as I can now and probably will after the reunion is over. Unlike Conan, Jimmy actually seems, well, human.
Maybe it’s the hair or his strange pantomimes, but I don’t actually care for Conan. In fact, late night talk shows aren’t really my bag at all.

I can’t really put my finger on it. Maybe it’s the fact that 5 shows a week are just too much for comedy writers these days. Jokes are hit or miss, usually somewhere in between, like it ricocheted off the delivery or hit but bounced off the timing. At least Jimmy recognizes when jokes go bad and gives the cue cards to the audience, or invites someone down to try to do it better.

Sure, he ruined a lot of SNL skits with his laughing and relied too heavily on vague impressions, but the show is good, people.

I’m curious. Do you agree with me? What late night shows do you watch and why? Are you excited about the Saved By the Bell reunion? Does MPG make you feel awkward too? Leave a comment below.

Summer Shows So-Far

2009-06-07T18:01:00.000-07:00

So all my good TV shows are over for the season. I keep watching my empty TV tracker widget just to see if there are any fall start dates yet. So how am I spending my time lately? Checking out the summer fare.

It's always hit or miss. Sometimes it's the complete dregs of the entertainment barrel. Sometimes it's just too fluffy to compete with your Losts or Grey's Anatomy's, but just right for Summer Reality.

Here are the four new (and oddly medically-related) shows that I've been watching:

Mental (FOX)

Apply named Mental is about a psychiatric facility that gets turned upside down when the new head of the department chosen from outside the staff. Jack Gallagher played by the very handsome and very British Chris Vance, is billed as House in a mental ward…

If House had no underlying emotional problems, good social skills, and seemed to be an all around fun guy.

When will people learn that unorthodox medical practices does not a House make?

Regardless, Vance is doing the best he can under the circumstances. There’s no cast charisma at all. I can’t even tell two of the female characters apart and I know one of them was on the 4400.
The most interesting thing about the show so far was what’s up with Gallagher’s possibily crazy, runaway wife, which they promptly killed by having her show up at the hospital with a mysterious note and have Jack run after a trenchcoat-clad figure, who SHOCKER! Wasn’t her.

Oh, and one of the two women I can’t tell apart is having an affair with a hot blonde doctor, which is really only good if you like hot people doing it against a locker. If you want emotional bagage, I’ll show you where to get it in a minute.

All in all, if you want a better House knock-off, watch the three episodes of 3 lbs. Stanley Tucci makes anything worth watching.

Royal Pains (USA)

Speaking of 3lbs, another alum of that show, Mark Feuerstein has a new show on USA, Royal Pains, about a recently fired ER doctor, Hank, who accidently gets himself hired as a “consegiere doctor” with the rich and powerful in the Hamptons.

You might remember Mark from Good Morning, Miami or a short role on West Wing, but I gotta say, I like him the best in this. If not for his straightman routine with Paulo Costanzo (who played Joey’s nephew on, well, Joey).

Christine Ebersole also takes a hilarious turn as a plastic surgery crazed patient, and when you watch the pilot, pay close attention to the kid who calls Hank in the morning about his girlfriend. Erza Miller, he’s on Californication or something. The kid’s hilarious. For that reason, alone watch the pilot.

All in all, I think USA has another good one on it’s hands.

The Listener (NBC)

And on NBC, via Canada, is The Listener, starring Craig Olejnik (and I checked, I can’t find any relation to Larisa, of mid-90s nickelodeon fame) as a EMT with a mysterious past who can read minds.

Sounds cool right?

Great, but there’s very little cast charisma, maybe between Olejnik’s character, Toby, and his sidekick partner, Oz, but any scene with his doctor ex-girlfriend, ugh, fast-forward. She’s super whiny.

You know I’m a sucker for “supernatural” drama with cute boys, so I’m probably gonna keep watching. But if you like high-brow stuff, with an emotional center that isn’t "where do I come from and I can’t let everyone know who I am," you shouldn’t waste your time.

(It's also aired already in Canada, so if you "look around" you might be able to find the rest of the season)

Nurse Jackie (SHO)

Speaking of high-brow, Nurse Jackie’s been all over the streaming sites. Edie Falco plays an actually House-esque nurse, who’s addicted to pain-pills, gets no respect, works with quirky doctors, including Mr. Jenny Garth, Peter Facinelli.

It’s dark. It’s funny. It’s uncomfortably honest. And remember I talked about sex with co-workers earlier, leave that to Showtime, Fox. They’re professionals.

Give it a watch. You’ll either love it or hate it.

One last suggestion for all you UK TV fans, check out Merlin on NBC this summer. It’s a pretty phenomenal retelling of Aruthian legends and Anthony Stewart Head’s soul melting voice.