TV Trick

Cole Escola Gets A Job

2010-07-12T00:32:00.007-04:00

In episode one, season two, of Jeffery & Cole Casserole, Jeffery Self and Cole Escola presented the first course in their sophomore season, and it didn't taste good. There's always a danger when a creative team does a sequel to a popular piece that they will not understand well enough what worked before and they will drop or change essential elements of what made it good. Even worse, by overplaying what they think made it a success, they can become just caricatures of what had been before. Unfortunately, these things seem to have occurred, and the casserole has gotten really bad during the year it was left in the refrigerator.

(Read about the issues with season two of Jeffery & Cole Casserole
compared to the review of season one of Jeffery and Cole Casserole.)

Here is a summary of this episode:

The Beginning: Borscht-Belt Homosexuals

Cole and Jeffery sat on the stoop as a man jogged by. They became animated at the sight of him and arose to run after him. As they passed a young man with a noticeably large bulge, they stopped and reversed their course to follow the second man instead. A blond young man passed going the other direction, and Cole and Jeffery changed direction once more to purse their new male quarry. Sensing the close pursuit, the man turned around and slapped the two of them. Having achieved at last some physical contact from their chutzpah and pursuit of NY manmeat, Jeffery and Cole high five'd one another and smiled.

The humor in this bit came from Cole's various facial expressions as he observed and become enamored with each of the men. It was a silly sketch, but it did serve to show the difference in acting ability between the two stars of the show. For example, when they were slapped, Cole looked like he actually was struck. On the other hand, Jeffery just looked like he usually does: a blank half wit who sniffs a lot from the aerosol cans under his mother's sink.

1. Introduction

Cole and Jeffery babbled about flies, Mary Louise Parker, Nicole Kidman, Courtney Cox, and politics. They actually looked like they were reading from a script, which is the antithesis of their previous work. They also looked like they were high or drunk, and even though that would make what they said very funny to each other, to the viewer it was only excruciatingly annoying.

They played "marry, f'ck or kill: Marlo Thomas, Valerie Harper, or Mary Tyler Moore." What a difference a year makes. When they did a similar routine the first episode of season one, it was done with clever absurdity. This time around, they just let it fall flat and lay there and die slowly on the floor.

The whole intro was like a weather alert siren, so you wouldn't be able to say they didn't warn you of the severe crapfest that the viewers would experience in the next half hour.

2. This Isn't Ballet... THIS IS TORTURE

Jeffery and Cole attended the ballet. Jeffery remarked that it was torture. It was then seen that the assessment was literal. On stage Cole was shown whipping a whining, tied-up Jeffery. The bit was too short to go anywhere and too long for a simple sight gag. For anyone that would be interested, Cole's man parts were visible through his costume. It still didn't make the gag worth it, but it is noteworthy.

3. Cutting Brenda Blethyn's Hair

A Brenda Blethyn character bouncing around the room was the inspiration for this routine of what it would be like to try to cut her hair while she was in motion. It was worth hearing Cole emoting hysteria.

4. The Jobs (Part 1)

Jeffery and Cole were fishing from a boat in a pond. Their mailperson, in another boat, delivered them an invitation to enter a fishing contest. The entry fee was $200, which the low paid comedians didn't have. They went to an "unemployment office" to seek work. In line, Cole was unsure about the endeavor, but Jeffery insisted, refusing to allow Cole to sell blood for money anymore. They pulled jobs from a hat, and Jeffery got a position as a census worker, while Cole became a nail technician. A gnarly, older person pulled out an assignment to be a fourth grade teacher, providing the only, albeit infinitesimal, amount of laughter.

5. The Little Girls Room

At a bar, Jeffery and Cole asked for the location of "the little girl's room". They went to it, and behind the door was literally a little girl's room. You can't get a sight gag cheaper than this. Put it in the category of "Hee-Haw". There was an attempt to somehow use the sight gag as a stepping stone towards something actually funny, but it was a misstep and a free fall, with the following comment written on a set of the show's standard yellow ruled paper: "When Life Gets You Down... Don't turn to drugs or booze of anonymous sex. Just chill the f*@#k down and go to... The Little Girls Room." It's almost like they are taunting Logo to see that it got what (little) it paid for.

6. I Need A Plumber

Cole used his Brenda Blethyn voice and wig while calling for a plumber. When the plumber (Jeffery) arrived, Cole explained that the water from the faucet would not stop running. Jeffery turned the faucet handle and the water stopped. He then told Cole that the cost for his service would be $5000. Cole make a noise and a strange face.

7. This One's For You Mom!

Jeffery is seen urinating. When he is finished, the camera shows that he was urinating in Cole's mouth. In unison, the pair say, "This one's for you, Mom." This makes Jeffery and Cole on par with the average middle school kid making videos in rural Ohio.

8. The Jobs (Part 2)

Cole and Jeffery walked down the street. Jeffery said he had first day jitters and that he hadn't had a job since he worked for his dad. A cut-away showed that he propositioned his father for that job by seductively unbuttoning his shirt. Cole told Jeffery he would be fine. On the other hand, Cole worried about working with some of his high-profile clients. He whispered the name of one of them to Jeffery, who was surprised that Cole was doing her nails that day considering that she was dead. Cole replied that that was why he was so nervous.

The following two sets of scenes were shown, interspersed:

Jeffery was shown visiting "an average American home" in his new role as a census worker. He started to count the occupants when he was handed a cocktail. He engaged in small talk with the Harrison family there and had some snacks. Music was played and Jeffery asked for someone to dance with him. He limbo'd. Later he discussed his personal problems with the family and became drunkenly emotional, telling them that they had become his family.

Cole was shown doing a woman's nails. He sniffed the polish and noted that it's odor was strong. He repeatedly sniffed the bottle until he was summoned away by a blond haired woman with a beard. They went into the restroom where Cole took a deep hit off a nail polish bottle. The blond told Cole that there was an easier way to enjoy the intoxicant. Cole took the suggestion and infused himself with it intravenously. Dazed, Cole left the restroom, but was confronted by his boss who insisted that he had another appointment he must work on before he could leave for the day.

Back to Cole and Jeffery interacting. Cole called Jeffery and told him that he would not be able to attend fishing practice that evening because of work. Jeffery was glad because he would rather continue to spend time with the Harrisons. After the call, Jeffery heard a baby cry and he became very upset. He accused the family of not telling him, the census worker, about the additional family member. Back at the salon, Cole thought his client had three hands.

9. And Now A Sneak Preview...

Jeffery as a mobster told Cole (in drag) that he lost "the suitcase". Cole became irate, saying the suitcase contained 2 billion dollars in it. He screamed, "Who has my money?" A cut-away showed that two babies (Cole and Jeffery) had it. The voice-over stated that this was a movie called "Babies with Money". An investigator (Jeffery) told his team that if the babies had the money they needed to be protected from the mob. Drag mob boss Cole shouted to her minion to get the money from the babies. The babies were seen going on a spending spree. Mob boss Cole confronted the babies on a rooftop. Investigator Jeffery got the drop on her. With nowhere to go, Cole surrendered.

10.Cole! Get Outta There

This was a routine that was also done in season one. Nothing new added to it, except the excessively cheap tag at the end with a "brought to you by..." That's a bit that is so ancient and played out and not worthy of something with Cole's name attached to it.

11. The Nun Who Was Very Allergic To Nuts!!!

Jeffery ate a cookie and asked if there were nuts in it. He was told yes, so he made a face, and not a good one. He should have spent more time practicing this in front of a mirror.

12. Smellin' Jeffery's Dirty Laundry

Jeffery was shown as a stand up comedian. He said he had gone jogging that weekend. He threw his dirty shorts to Cole who smelled them and said that they smelled like balls. Jeffery then took off his underwear and gave it to Cole who said it smelled like a cat's butt.

13. The Chair Store.

Cole continued the character he did with the plumber, going with his sister to a store to buy a chair. Cole and Jeffery played two chairs in the store. Cole was appalled by the comments expressed by the chairs and decided to buy a couch instead. The chairs were unhappy, but the couch, played by Jeffery, was pleased.

14. The Jobs (Part 3)

Back at the Harrisons', Jeffery confronted the family about their failure to disclose the existence of the baby. They claimed ignorance of the necessity of counting the baby. Jeffery became agitated, accusing them of not considering the effect on him. Jeffery performed his outburst how Cole would do it, which means it was the best performance Jeffery did during the episode.

Jeffery went to the nail salon and rescued Cole from his nail polish pusher. Jeffery apologized for pushing the two of them so hard to earn money for the contest entry fee.

15. The Lake

Back in the boat, Cole asked Jeffery how he knew that Cole had been messed up from huffing polish. Jeffery replied it was because of a phone call. On screen a transcript of the call was displayed. It showed that Cole had said, "Talk to the moon, not at it, not at it. Kerrrsh." Cole said he didn't remember the call. Jeffery apologized again for pushing them to enter the contest. The mailperson in the other boat said not to mind her. And so an inglorious end to a s***pail of an episode.

16. Conclusion

Jeffery and Cole are back at the webcam. Jeffery echoed the sentiment of the typical viewer, asking, "What the Hell am I watching this for?" Jeffery and Cole told each other lines that they thought were funny but committed the cardinal sin of absurdist comedy by laughing at them instead of treating them as serious remarks.

Oh how the mighty have fallen. We can only hope this episode was an anomaly and that a return to past glory is in the offing.

Short Track Speedskating 1500m

2010-02-17T23:42:00.004-05:00

Considering that Apolo Anton Ohno remains a big star of Winter Olympic games, it was no wonder that NBC hyped their airing of short track speedskating action during the Vancouver 2010 Olympics. The first short track event was the 1500m, and Apolo did not disappoint, winning the silver medal. In a surprise ending, teammate J.R. Celski (at right), Apolo's heir apparent, captured the bronze.

Before his heat, NBC showed Apolo waiting for his turn to race. He had a chin hair wedge, which frankly in its current incarnation is not attractive. It was pointed out that Apolo is 20lb leaner that he was in 2002. You can really see it. He's all efficient muscle. You could also see in HD close-up that that camera needs to keep from getting that close. Some people are more attractive without a crystal clear view of their pores and skin texture.

Surprisingly, Cameraman did a upward jutting crotch shot. You very rarely see that with athletes that have revealing, form-fitting suits. It boded well for the Olympic coverage of the male athletes.

Needless to say, Apolo blew away the competition in his heat.

In another heat, it was J.R.'s turn. Cameraman didn't show J.R. under his helmet. J.R. is a cute kid from Federal Way, Washington - same as Apolo. Happily, NBC didn't show any visuals of J.R.'s horrible injury from 5 months before at the Olympic Trials, where he cut his thigh with his own blade down to the bone. It was surprising that they didn't show it considering that they showed the Georgian luger being killed. Maybe they were trying to do better.

Before the semi-final, Chris Collinsworth did a piece on Apolo. It showed Apolo Anton Ohno shirtless, doing his training. Yeah, he's fit. Even Collinsworth, talking about Apolo working out a lot, said "He's hot right now." At the track, Cameraman did a close-up of Apolo that was ostensibly to show his gloves, but it also gave another extreme close-up of Apolo's crotch. Cameraman is okay.

Finally J.R. was shown clearly, although actually it was in a Procter & Gamble commercial.

NBC then went back to their graphic ways as they showed J.R. from the previous September, sitting on bloodied ice as the blood pumped out of his leg. Should NBC's coverage get a V rating?

J.R.'s semifinal was a good race and you could tell that he was looking good for the final. He took the lead and would not relinquish it.

For the final, there was some concern expressed by the commentators about there being three Koreans in it. They are very nationalistic and would be likely to do team play, which is against the rules but difficult to prove. The fear was that if the three gained the first three spots during the race, they could position themselves to prevent anyone from passing.

Sure enough, towards the end of the race, the three Koreans managed to team up and take the first three positions. Fortunately, they outsmarted themselves, and on a curve, two of them crashed into one another and took themselves out. They left Apolo and J.R. to fairly end the race as 2nd and 3rd.

For Apolo, it was his sixth Olympic medal, and that tied him with Bonnie Blair as the American Winter Olympian with the most medals. For J.R., it was an amazing accomplishment for someone who had a skate blade embedded two inches deep into his leg muscle only five months before.

By the way, I really like the light blue and dark blue combination of the U.S. suits. It looks like the really cool palette used by Team USA in the 2002 games.

Olympics Opening Ceremony 2010

2010-02-15T23:10:00.007-05:00

In keeping with the low-key spirit of the country, the Vancouver Organizing Committee put on a rather average Olympic Winter Games Opening Ceremony, with mild entertainment and a minimum of flash. The only unpleasant aspect during the show was the peculiar contradiction of Canadians, which is that since they are so nice and modest they feel compelled to slap you obnoxiously in the face with it. That, and the public displays of self-help affirmations about a national identity, which sadly, almost always come back to, "We're not Americans." Last there was the uncomfortable climax of the torch lighting, which proved you should always have a backup plan and you should never play with fire, especially indoors.

The ceremony started with a displayed countdown flashed around the stadium. Love a good countdown. Unfortunately, it was immediately followed by a video presentation of aerial shots of the Canadian landscape. It was pretty, but the show is supposed be about what is happening in the stadium, not about the view from a plane from some time in the past. The purpose was to show a snowboarder coming down a mountain while the list of previous Olympic cities were read aloud, leading to a live snowboarder (Johnny Lyall) riding down onto the stadium floor. It was pretty lame for an opening, and certainly not as good as Salt Lake City.

The RCMP brought in the Canadian flag, but they should have gone with 9 Dudley Do-Right types instead of the variety of people, a concession to diversity. Actually, any one type would have been good. It was the different builds and heights that were not aesthetically pleasing. The national anthem was torn up by Nikki Yanovsky. Do Canadians get as upset as Americans when the anthem is not sung as written? Nikki could have done a great job with a classic rendition.

Representatives of native tribes gave a welcome to the world. The Indian boys looked like they had stepped out of an A+F catalog (above), which is fine. They did the welcome at the foot of four bizarre zombie totems, which looked ready to eat the brains of the audience at BC Place. Not very welcoming.

The athletes were brought in, before the entertainment, which is nice so they can see it. It's fun to do people watching, seeing the different nationalities march in. Some really stand out, like the Germans, who seemed particularly Aryan this year. Along side them, keeping order, were a line of Canadian volunteers doing a generic white person folk dance, dressed in what appeared to be long johns. The backsides were not shown to see if they had drop seats. Love drop seats. All the athletes were dressed in winter clothing, but considering that the outside temperature was 48 degrees and they were inside an enclosed stadium, one wonders if the a/c was turned up full blast to set the mood and keep the athletes from having heat exhaustion.

The Swiss flag bearer was Stephane Lambiel, giving a glimpse of how fabulously flamboyant the figure skating is going to be. It must be said, the kid looks like can do more tricks on and off the ice than a Swiss Army knife.

The American team wore Ralph Lauren outfits, with that company's emblem. The huge polo pony emblem looks so tacky, even on regular Ralph Lauren clothes, but especially on a national team's uniform. It's an embarrassment. There were some close-ups of a few of the notable American athletes. In particular, there was the cute face of short track speedskater J.R. Celski, with his teammate Travis Jayner behind him. Also, sighted was the attractive long track speedskater Trevor Marsicano.

J.R. Celski

Eventually all the teams entered and Bryan Adams and Nelly Furtado did a little ditty to welcome them. Mercifully, there was no close-up of Adams. He wasn't so good to see 20 years ago, don't need to see him now in HD. The song finished. The native peoples who had danced frantically and continuously throughout the long athlete entrance could try to snap out the spirit visions that the exercise and exhaustion had dropped them into. Overhead, the disembodied voice of Donald Sutherland began to tell the story of Jebediah Springfield, or something.

Some people started wandering around the floor, (yawn). A giant bear as might be seen in a department store window, only bigger, rises upward. People wander around some more, (yawn). Canadians begin to Twitter their apologies to friends in other countries. Global warming breaks up the ice floes projected on the floor. Whales appear to swim across the floor and spout, which was cool for the couple of seconds it lasted. Totems sprout upward to the ceiling and turn into trees. Sarah McLachlan lip-syncs, but no one-eyed cats or dogs appear. More people mill about the floor, appearing to be dancing or perhaps acting out some cruising action in Stanley Park.

There was some sort of presentation of "Fiddler on the Canoe" (maybe a French-Canadian Jewish thing?) Then more fiddling and river dancing. A lot of giant maple leaves were strewn about, which you know, makes anything "Canadian".

Finally the fiddling ended, and there were some video effects projected on the ground. Donald Sutherland told the tale of the silver tongue, or something. Joni Mitchell's "Both Sides Now" was played with an aerialist (Thomas Saulgrain) hanging overhead doing a tribute to Canada's flyover country. I like the song, but with a kid erratically bouncing around from a wire during it, not so much. But the video stuff was definitely good, probably the best part of the evening.

From above, the giant iceberg mother ship landed and mountains were formed and people flailed around on wires again. NBC's Bob Costas generously and quixotically said, (after Beijing) "you do something that succeeds and touches people on its own terms. I think they've succeeded here." Keep those viewers watching until the last commercials have aired.

Slam poet Shane Koyczan started babbling about Canadian identity, which the audience got off on, but as usual with such blabber, it just makes other people wonder how a nation could have such low-esteem that they need to keep telling themselves, "I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and dog-gone it, people like me."

The entertainment gave way to the ceremony part of the ceremony. The head of the IOC and the organizing committee spoke. The audience had all been given little drums and they used them in lieu of applause. The sound of thousands of Canadians beating off in unison was unsettling.

Back to the show and kd lang or someone impersonating Wayne Newton at his heaviest starting singing. That was followed by the raising of the Olympic flag and the singing of the Olympic Hymn. Factoid: the Hymn was sung by opera singer Measha Brueggergosman, sporting the largest chia-afro ever grown on Earth.

All that was left was to light the cauldron. The first athlete to appear with a torch was Paralympian Rick Hansen in a manual wheelchair, wheeling himself into the stadium. It looked like it was going to take awhile to get the cauldron lit. He passed the flame off shortly, and the final moments began before the cauldron catastrophe. Four athletes all got a lit torch and then assumed their positions at four corners on the floor. It was really too painful to watch, but one of the doors on the floor that hid the four legs to the cauldron failed to open and the flame bearers stood for several agonizing minutes as the directors decided what to do. Finally they went with just three legs and the cauldron was lit. The realization that "Vancouver, we have a problem," was horrible to watch on live TV.

After the indoor cauldron was lit, Wayne Gretzky ran outside with a torch and got on the back of a Chevy truck and rode through the rain to the real cauldron. Sad, just sad, to see a drenched "Great One" put through that.

Despite the problems, it was a reasonable show, and for anyone who enjoys picking things apart and being very catty, it was quite entertaining.

Cole Escola Pushes Paper

2009-07-12T23:28:00.010-04:00

In episode three, season one, of Jeffery & Cole Casserole, Cole Escola got his dream job of being a wrapping paper dealer and Jeffery Self received a hex.

1. Introduction

There was a hodgepodge of phone call situations (e.g. calls to radio shows, calls from home, calls from people in one's past. and calls from people you wish to avoid being stalked by). It was a good example by the two leads of improv based on a theme.

2. The Tyne Daly Tap Routine

The feet of actress Tyne Daly are seen as she began to tap dance. A large slab of chicken fell to the floor. Tyne laboriously bent over and picked the chicken off the floor. With low-wave guttural noises, she consumed the hunk of bird flesh, with her mouth and feeding off-camera (thankfully).

3. Once Upon A Time On A H0rny Friday Night

Jeffery engaged in an online Manhunt-like chat, with him and his trick using the IDs of SmoothCute22" and "HornyHunk79". The two arranged for an assignation at Jeffery's home. When Jeffery opened the door for his anonymous online skank, he found that it was actually his mother. He asked in disbelief is she was really HornyHunk79 (which meant Jeffery was SmoothCute22, making viewers wonder in disbelief at how much he must flatter himself). His mom explained that arranging for sex in an online chat room was the only way that she ever got to see Jeffery.

4. Fun With Mom & Mom & Son

Jeffery and his mom got unsettlingly but believably intimate in bed while Mom updated him on family affairs.

5. The Hex (Part 1)

Cole visited Jeffery, bringing Jeffery some of his delicious fritters shaped like Kelly Ripa. Jeffery quickly realized that Cole was trying to use the gift as a way to get Jeffery to do something for him. Jeffery recalled the last time Cole had tried this trick, where Cole had brought Jeffery an injured baby or something wrapped in a blanket after Cole had accidentally struck it. Cole insisted he wouldn't do something like that again as long as he stayed out of children's museums.

Cole reminded Jeffery that he had been on a waiting list to become a representative for a gift wrapping company. With the death of someone at the company, which Cole innocently insisted he had nothing to do with, there was an opening for Cole. Jeffery asked Cole why he would need to sell out of Jeffery's apartment. Cole said he couldn't use his place since it was not technically on American soil. Jeffery agreed to let Cole use his apartment if he cold have 10% of what Cole earned. Cole countered that he would give Jeffery 10% of what he had previously planned to give Jeffery. Jeffery, a college drop-out, agreed.

Strangely, a gypsy stuck her head in the door and asked if someone had said "wrapping paper", which technically, no one had. Cole shooed her away.

Cole began work the same day, taking the name "All Wrapped Up In Cole" for his business. On a phone call with a customer he told them he could get them the holly & the ivy Christmas wrap by Tuesday but could make no promises on the snowflake tissue paper.

Cole asked Jeffery to make a delivery of wrapping paper for him to the UN. As Jeffery was about to leave the building, the gypsy, waiting by the door, asked how much would it cost for her to buy the wrapping paper that Jeffery was holding. Jeffery replied that he couldn't sell it to her. So, the gypsy put a hex on Jeffery and laughed gleefully.

The next day, Jeffery coughed up feathers and realized he was under the influence of a hex.

6. The Hex (Part 2)

Cole called a doctor for Jeffery, who wondered how Cole could find a doctor who made house calls and how Cole could afford any kind of doctor. Cole insisted he had made a deal, but would give no specifics. The doctor arrived and Jeffery explained his symptoms of coughing up feathers. The doctor gave Jeffery an eye exam and was able to confirm that he had a hex.

Meanwhile, Cole's wrapping paper business began to seem like something more that what it appeared to be on the surface. One of his customers was clearly a wrapping paper addict who begged for just one more roll. Cole cut her supply and turned her away. With another customer, Cole demanded to know if they were a cop, fearing he might be being setup in a sting operation. With a third customer, he drove them away from his door, saying he had no greeting cards and asking derisively if they thought Jeffery's apartment was a stationary store (and not the front it started to appear to be).

With the examination finished, the doctor asked for his payment of wrapping paper that Cole had promised, but Cole didn't want to give him any since he hadn't actually been able to help Jeffery. The doctor insisted and Cole pulled a gun on him and threatened to use it. The doctor fled. Cole comforted Jeffery by telling him he would find a way to help Jeffery somehow. Suddenly the police were heard nearby and Cole rushed away but warned Jeffery if they should ask about "Valentine's day tissue paper", Jeffery should say he knew nothing about it.

7. Little Old Ladies.

Jeffery and Cole pretended to be old ladies, wearing towels wrapped around their heads and commiserating about the effects of old age. Jeffery started off by saying, "in 1934..." Cole interrupted by screaming, "Where did all that time go??" Jeffery said he had met a young boy named Walter. Cole tearfully exclaimed that he could no longer climb up stairs. Jeffery mumbled something and Cole let out a plaintive shriek about not knowing how to turn off the TV. Jeffery continued to unconvincingly act like an old lady and Cole continued to knock it out of the park. Cole dourly lamented he needed a new hip but could not afford it. Jeffery talked about Walt. Cole, perhaps not acting, began to doze off from Jeffery's boring performance. Cole awoke and loudly grieved that all the clothing he bought for his grandchildren were too big or too small. He confusedly screamed that none were the right size. Jeffery daydreamed. Cole mournfully longed to once again be a child. Jeffery realized the boy's name wasn't Walter. Cole frightfully bawled his fear that his license would be be revoked.

8. Cole Considers Pushing Jeffery Out Of A Window

Literally. And sadly for the show, Cole doesn't follow through.

9. Jeffery Traps Cole In A Mirror

Jeffery had trapped Cole within a mirror. While Jeffery was on the phone lying about Cole actually being in Floria, Cole pleaded with Jeffery to let him out of the mirror. Cole cried, and soulless Jeffery stared with dead eyes and no emotion into the camera. (FYI, it was the only performance he has given that was not outside his range).

10. The Race

Cole and Jeffery appeared to be masturbating. It looked like Cole climaxed first from the stimulation but it is was revealed that if he had indeed ejaculated at that moment it was from finishing first in their "a dead cat in the road drawing contest".

11. Wake Up Wisconsin

It was hard to pay attention to what was said as the viewer is compelled to wonder how, living in New York, Jeffery could have such a ridiculously butchered hair cut. It is not clear if it was a back-alley job or just a Self family bowl cut (Georgia style).

12. What's Up Jeffery's Butt?

Jeffery wanted to play a game to guess what was up there. Cole guessed a toaster, a fireman, and something rectangular like a remote. Jeffery gave a hint that it was something you eat. Cole wondered if it was something Asian. He only knew it was not power tools and so gave up. Jeffery shot it out for the big reveal. It was two chocolate chip cookies. They eat the cookies.

13. And Now A PSA...

Jeffery and Cole did a PSA for "nervous accent affectation". This is a disorder where one lapses into using a foreign accent when one is nervous. Jeffery acted out playing a businessman speaking to a subordinate. He got nervous and spoke with an incredibly bad English accent.

14. Practical Joke

Cole told the viewers that they would get to see him play a joke on Jeffery. He called Jeffery to the phone, saying it was Jeffery's Aunt Laurie on the line. Jeffery took the call and heard that his Uncle Frank was dead. Jeffery wept and Cole laughed and laughed. When Jeffery hung up, Cole told him that he has been on the receiving end of a practical joke. Jeffery hopefully wondered if that meant his uncle had not died. Cole said that no, the uncle was indeed dead, but Cole had tricked Jeffery into believing that the call was about "good" news. Cole was pleased with the result.

15. Indecipherable Background Noise.

Literally.

16. The Hex (part 3)

Jeffery got his mail from the box and coughed up another feather. The gypsy appeared behind him and laughed about the though of a beak soon appearing on Jeffery. Jeffery realized that the hex was turning him into a bird. He wondered what he had done to deserve it. A cut-away showed Jeffery confessing to killing Jon-Benet Ramsey. He told the gypsy he hadn't done anything wrong lately. Jeffery asked what the gypsy wanted to lift the curse. She said she wanted all of Cole's paper. Jeffery told Cole about it. Cole decided to give all the paper to the gypsy. With paper in hand, the gypsy removed the hex. Cole asked her never to show her face again and she disappeared. Cole told Jeffery he felt scared and lost having given away his stash of paper, and now he would be starting a 12 step program. Jeffery suggested that they have some of the Kelly Ripa fritters to make them feel better.

17. Ending

Jeffery gave the goodbye for the episode while Cole wondered if he could give himself a white wine enema. Cole also practiced bull fighting, looking up Christmas music on the internet, and stripping down to his underwear.

Cole Escola Almost Has A Baby

2009-06-27T22:29:00.008-04:00

On episode two, season one of Logo's Jeffery and Cole Casserole, Cole Escola believed that he would have a baby after a night of unprotected alien sex. Jeffery Self was unsupportive of Cole's plan to carry the thing to term, thinking only of his own needs to direct a show that would be adversely affected by star Cole's leaving to gestate.

1.Introduction

Cole and Jeffery tried to speak a welcome in unison for the show, but Cole wasn't really into at the moment. With his creative mind always at work, he suggested instead that they pretend that Jeffery was a cat and Cole a dog and that the dog doesn't like the cat. Adding an animal character to his vast repertoire, Cole barked menacingly, while Jeffery just licked himself. Cole went on to practice his British accent, following it with an impression of a waif model. Jeffery continued to lick himself (disturbingly). Cole looked at Jeffery in a mixture of concern and fear (think Shelley Duvall in The Shining.) Taking rightful control, Cole jovially gave the welcome by himself after Jeffery had wandered partially out of frame.

2. Coming This Spring...

... to the Floyd County Civic Center (a reference to Jeffery's Georgia upbringing). It was a new sassy Southern female character, played rather unconvincingly by Jeffery. Cole introduced her as being in the same vein as Tyler Perry's Madea or Vicki Lawrence as Thelma Harper, but it was more like a part-time accountant from Iowa doing drag for a Southern Decadence parade. Surprisingly, Oregonian Cole did a better job with the Southern accent that Jeffery. It's not clear why Cole didn't play the female role since that was the role that required comedic skills.

3. Prank Calling Howie Mandel

Jeffery and Cole phoned Howie Mandel. Howie picked up and said "Hello" multiple times. Cole and Jeffery laughed silently but uproariously.

4. The Baby (Part 1)

As a piano played, Cole leaned back against a table and practiced his kicks. Jeffery stopped him, complaining that Cole was not on the beat. Cole became upset and Jeffery sent him home. As Cole prepared to leave, Jeffery told him that he realized how talented Cole is. However, Cole said he wasn't sure if he still had "it". Jeffery reminded him that that was the same thing that Cole had said when Cole opened a show as Mary Applebottom, America's favorite housewife with chronic fatigue syndrome. Cole reminded Jeffery that he had thrown up that night, stopping the show. Jeffery assured Cole that it wouldn't happen again as long as Cole stayed away from shellfish prior to showtime, but Cole was unconvinced.

5. Who Do I Look Like?

Cole asked who he looked like and Jeffery accurately replied Wynona Rider. Cole agreed that that assessment made sense. Jeffery asked the same question and Cole charitably told Jeffery he looked like Pat Sajak. Jeffery knew he didn't look that good, and struggled to find a proper response.

6. The Baby (Part 1, Continued)

Cole left his home and saw a spaceship. He was taken into the ship and there saw a alien Trauglen. He spoke to the alien in its native tongue, which surprised the Trauglen. The alien asked how Cole knew the language. Cole thought back to when his impoverished mother had left him with space aliens, because she could no longer care for him herself. (Another piece of the puzzle!) To the alien, Cole noted that he had not been anally probed yet, but encouraged the alien to decide whether he wanted to have sex with Cole or keep being coy. Never wanting to miss out on a good probing, Cole seductively unzipped his jacket. Sadly, the Trauglen was seen to be just Jeffery in costume, which spoiled the inspiration for some good Cole/Trauglen slash fiction. (Cole/Jeffery stuff is out of the question. Eww.)

7. Home Videos

Jeffery videotaped Cole, who was dressed only in a towel. Jeffery asked Cole to dance while Jeffery fantasized about being "Grampa". Inexplicably but perhaps as a result of the years of abuse, Cole fell to the ground and died. An angel took Cole away, while Jeffery unfeelingly had a conversation on the phone.

8. The Baby (Part 2)

Jeffery explained to people off-camera the definition of props. Jeffery said it came from "property" which means you shouldn't touch it if it doesn't belong to you. Cole entered and asked to speak with Jeffery. Cole told him that he was pregnant from the alien encounter on the previous night. Jeffery asked if he would keep the baby and Cole said he would. Cole said accordingly he must leave the show. Not wanting to leave Jeffery in the lurch, Cole recommended that a suitable replacement for him would be Debbie Reynolds.

At home, Cole got a call form Chrissie, who invited him to a show. Cole declined, saying he couldn't go because of his Lamaze class. Cole went on to say that Jeffery wouldn't talk to him because they were not speaking after Jeffery wouldn't support Cole having the baby. Staying true to his personality, Jeffery did come over to speak to Cole, but just long enough to selfishly take the phone away to use it as a prop in a scene of his own. Cole, with his sweet disposition and generosity as an actor and mother-to-be, politely let him take it.

Cole read a book about baby facts, while Jeffery continued on with his life, working on a opening number for his show. Then Cole read up on baby names. Again Jeffery was focused on work, but this time contemplating calling Debbie Reynolds to try to replace his knocked-up friend Cole. Cole moved on to reading some gay p0rn. Jeffery made the call to Debbie but she had other commitments.

9. Oops

Jeffery was seen drinking from a beer bottle. Cole entered and asked if Jeffery had seen the bottle that he had peed in. Jeffery realized that the bottle in question was the one he had been drinking from, but not surprisingly didn't spit out the salty warm liquid in his mouth.

10. Drugs

Cole explained that he had had a problem putting things up his nose. He had once put cut-up shoelaces there. It messed up his nose, but didn't get him high. When Cole spoke of his travails, you really felt for him, considering what he went through. Jeffery mumbled something about losing five years of his life to cocaine, but it wasn't very interesting and he said it in his monotone so it's hard to know what he was talking about.

11. Cole Enacts A Scene From A Horror Movie That Doesn't Exist

In a voice over, Cole realistically acted out a dramatic scene from a horror movie. Suspenseful and scary, Cole showed he is the master of all genres.

12. What Did You Do Last Night?

No matter how you feel about Jeffery, you really have to feel sorry for the pathetic view he presented of the life he lives and how it differs from what actually occurred. Speaking to Cole, Jeffery said that the night before he had went on a date to an Italian Restaurant. They had red wine and went to the ballet. Afterward, they went back to Jeffery's place and sat in bed and talked and laughed and stared into each others eyes. In reality, the camera showed that Jeffery had eaten a can of food heated in the microwave. He sat on the toilet drinking heavily. In bed, he just stayed up eating crackers and cheese in a can. Not unlike life in Georgia, but sad nonetheless.

In contrast, Cole told of how he had written a four act Greek play, getting inspiration from the mystery of the cowboy boot displayed within his living room. Amazing.

13. The Baby (Part 3)

Filler.

14. Cole's House

Jeffery visited Cole. A very pregnant Cole came to the door and rubbed his belly, saying it was a girl. He didn't know for sure what the gender was, but if it were a boy he would just cut its penis off. Jeffery offered to help raise the baby, saying he realized that the important things in life were rock hard abs and family. Not having the former, Jeffery decided to focus on the latter. Cole questioned his readiness to take care of a baby, reminding him of his previous attempt when he confused a baby with a package of beef. Jeffery insisted he was sober now.

Cole went into labor and anally gave birth to an undigested sandwich. Seeing the result, Cole temporarily lost his mind and told Jeffery to get a plate before the bread went stale. Together they ate Cole's sandwich offspring. Looking on the bright side, Cole said that without the baby or dependent sandwich he could now do the show.

15. Opening Night Of The Show

The show that Jeffery had been working on, "Hey Mr., I'm Over Here", was a success and Cole's sandwich-producing, hysterical pregnancy was all but forgotten.

Watch Gay Video & Lesbian Movies

Cole Escola At The Prom

2009-06-20T02:41:00.004-04:00

In season one, episode one of Logo's Jeffery and Cole Casserole, Cole Escola looked for a date to the prom, and with Jeffery Self's help almost had his magical moment. In addition there were a few random skits showcasing Cole's acting and comedy forte.

1. Introduction

The show begins with Jeffery looking into his webcam and vapidly welcoming viewers, in a way like a simpleton child standing at the entrance of the trailer park welcoming home his neighbors. Jeffery introduced the name of the show incorrectly, but Cole, unperturbed and realizing that no matter what he may ever say on the series from then on he would necessarily be the smart one, confidently corrected him.

Hoping to draw some interest from first-time viewers, Cole excitedly announced that No Doubt would be on the show. Then more excitedly and somewhat intriguingly, announced/screamed that they would be set on FIRE! Jeffery didn't get it and not willing to show he didn't know what was going on, popped Cole and the viewers' balloon with his objection to the likely audience favorite of No Doubt immolation.

Cole tried to get the show back on track by gently leading Jeffery with the question of whether they should show a video first. Jeffery was unsure, blaming the amount of crystal meth he claimed to have done. Co-dependent Cole bravely continued through his wish list of guests he wanted to have in the epsiode, like Jennifer Aniston (doing her disappearing hula-hoop act), and Jim Varney, from the Ernest movies. The latter was more a laugh at Jeffery's expense, poking fun at Jeffery's Southern rural roots. Jeffery didn't get it, first focusing on the security of knowing his meth dealer's phone number was stored in his blackberry and like himself was always available, and second, fondly reminiscing about and relating to Varney's character in The Beverly Hillbillies.

Fed up with Jeffery's lack of enthusiasm, even after he suggested the innovative notion of having Ellen DeGeneres throw marbles at his head, Cole exasperatingly asked Jeffery to think of something interesting to hook the audience. Jeffery tried his best not to be terminally boring, but he droned on an one while Cole fell asleep. Fortunately, Cole salvaged the intro with his bright smile and made sure the rest of the episode had some funny moments.

2. Wake Up Wisconsin

The first skit was a parody of a local morning talk show. Jeffery did an impression of an impression of an impression of an impression of a male host (and yes it was that bad). Cole played the female host role, and with his visual gag of clothespins for earrings, was the centerpiece of the piece. Jeffery claimed stereotypically that a Hispanic man sexually assaulted him, but with that kind of setup there really wasn't an opportunity for Cole to do a humorous retort.

3. High School

Jeffery and Cole sat on the stairs at school and Jeffery asked Cole if he would be attending the prom. Cole reminded Jeffery that he have to be because of the lawsuit. Cole ate a cracker and noted that it tasted like an elbow. The assessment made Jeffery want to eat the elbow flavored cracker that had been in Cole's mouth. Jeffery grabbed and ate the cracker, and after agreeing it tasted like elbow, wanted another.

4. Jeffery's House

Cole joins Jeffery in a sleepover at Jeffery's house. They lied in bed and played the child's game of "marry, sleep with, or kill". Jeffery started with the list of Shelley Long, Shelley Duvall, or Shelley Winters. Cole complained that he hated when Jeffery played the Shelleys. Jeffery asked sinisterly if Cole would prefer the Kathys. Cole remembered when Jeffery had held him at knifepoint, asking who between Kathy Bates and Kathy Najimy Cole would consent to kill. Traumatized, Cole agreed to do the Shelleys.

The game was interrupted by Cole's prom date ringing the doorbell. Cole went to the rooftop to speak with the young man. The date sadly told Cole that due to a urinary tract infection and the resulting peeling of genital flesh, he would be unable to take Cole to the prom. Devastated the news of how it would affect his prom plans, Cole understandably told the date that if he should survive, Cole never wanted to speak with him again. Jeffery consoled Cole by promising to find Cole a replacement date.

5. Enter The Old Show Queen

Cole showed his comedic genius doing a Leslie Jordan like character. Jealous, Jeffery bitched that Cole's portrayal was a stereotype and his performance was the reason gay people could not adopt or get married. Cole kept riding his prancing pony and finished his bit, to the audience's delight. Jeffery had a Salieri-like epiphany of his relative talent and stared silently into the camera.

6. High School (part 2)

Filler, involving poison darts. Think interlude, but rarified by Cole's awe-inspiring emotional performance.

7. Jazz

A tribute to 20's jazz, performed on the rooftop. Perhaps entertaining to some, but much too Un Chien Andalou for my tastes.

8. Cole! Get Outta There

Cole fits himself into a number of tight spaces, including a carry-on bag. Travel size gays are the best.

9. Untitled

Jeffery called Cole and asked him to meet up at the designated spot (The Wall of Respected British People). Jeffery tried to act clandestine, but Cole wasn't having it. He was his usual buoyant self. After seeing Jeffery's sunglasses, Cole ran off and got himself a pair (and a cap and an apple and a gun) while Jeffery impatiently waited at the wall. Cole accidentally killed a woman with the gun and Jeffery freaked out and wanted to leave. Cole gave a riveting, emotionally charged reaction to the death of the stranger, insisting that regardless of the turn of events, they should stay and complete their plan.They didn't complete the plan.

10. Snack Break

Jeffery walked his gangly body into the room while wearing only underwear. The appetite in any viewer for a snack quickly passed.

11. Jeffery & Cole's Football Game Half-Tie Show

In their underwear, Cole sensuously danced with arousing artistry while Jeffery sadly managed barely to shake himself. Cheers and jeers, respectively.

12. Cole's house

Jeffery went to Cole's house to let him know that Jeffery had dropped his prom date so he could take Cole instead. Cole gleefully exclaimed that it would be "just us girls". Jeffery said he hated when gay men talk like that. Cole gave a prayer to Liza and Lorna for Jeffery's soul and got ready to go.

13. At The Prom

Jeffery and Cole were unable to enter the prom due to them not being on the guest list and not being students at the school. Cole's photo of Bonnie Hunt was found not to be an acceptable form of identification.

14. End

Jeffery wanted to do a Carol Burnett scrub woman ending, but Cole sweetly ignored him. Cole sang a few notes showing his vocal talent, and Jeffery warbled a few unpleasant sounds.

More to come.

The Climax Of Ryan Conklin

2009-03-21T21:26:00.005-04:00

After exhibiting many seasons of drunken and loutish behavior from buffoons and tramps on the reality show The Real World, Bunim-Murray Productions was handed an opportunity with the story of cast member Ryan Conklin to transcend their previously embarrassing endeavors and create a memorable dramatic work. This they successfully and artfully accomplished with the production of Ryan's season, The Real World Brookln. In particular they used the crucial and climatic episode eleven to showcase an exquisitely intense synopsis of the situations that would make its final minutes such a dramatic tragedy, as well as reflect the season-long, well placed inclusions of all the events and sights and sounds that had foreshadowed that moment.

It's true that the actual events of the story were not created and did not occur by any direction of the production company. Instead, production demonstrated its talent by recognizing that when the taping was done that the season was not the "story of eight strangers"; it was the story of one cast member, Ryan Conklin, and its focus would necessarily be on him. Equally important, there was the crafting throughout the season of appropriate editing and of emotionally charged devices that created an increasing sense of melancholy and dreadful anticipation of something terrible yet to come. All of this built towards the powerful and gut-wrenching pathos that came from a single phone call, the one that generated a profound effect on those who watched it playing on their screen.

The foundation for success in telling someone's story is making people care about the character. Again, production didn't create the person, but they smartly didn't hold back on letting Ryan show who he is. They allowed him through his personality and strength of character to cause viewers to develop strong admiration and deep affection for him.

The following are thoughts about episode eleven.

For the 2008 Presidential election, Ryan stated his support for Barack Obama. He indicated that a major reason for that support was that Obama was committed to withdrawing American troops from Iraq and that is something very important to Ryan. It is not known what Ryan's views are on other current issues or where he would otherwise fall on the political spectrum. We do know that he has said that he voted for George Bush previously and that his home county went for McCain 59%-40%. Actually I'm glad I don't know what Ryan's politics are. It's always best to leave politics and religion out of the conversation to avoid ill will.

Ryan finally showed his castmates his scrapbooks of pictures from his time in Iraq. It was reminiscent of Pedro Zamora also showing his scrapbooks, except Pedro showed his early on, while Ryan waited until near the end. It's not clear why Ryan would want to have held off showing them. Once he had told the others that he was a veteran it would seem like a natural thing to bring them out. He had talked about his experiences before and the scrapbooks would have been a good visual aid. It must be noted that the scrapbooks were methodically put together with various picture sizes, placements, and colored borders, which show off Ryan's creative streak. He never ceases to surprise.

Ryan talked to Baya Voce about the showing of his film project at the New York Film Academy. He said his plans are to go to the University of Pittsburgh and there dual major in history and film studies. It's possible that his choice of Pittsburgh was in part because his girlfriend went there. Since he broke up with her, it doesn't seem so likely that Pitt is his choice. Ryan has said that he expects to move to New York City.

For the screening of his short film, Baya, Chet Cannon, Scott Herman, JD Ordonez, and Sarah Rice came to see it and support Ryan. Ryan was confident that his film was good but he was a little nervous about how others would assess it. You could see the nervousness in his body language.

He warned his guests that the film, "No More Tomorrow", would be dark in nature. He said he wanted to show something very different from his usual happy go lucky self. Ryan was certainly honest in his warning. The work was very disturbing with an ending showing its single character committing suicide with a gun. After seeing the film, JD wondered if Ryan was showing again some deep seated feelings that he felt he could only express by way of making this movie. It was an excellent portrayal of a troubled person and Ryan's acting in it, especially the facial expressions during the gun scene, were spot on. Treating it as a work of fiction though, the real tragedy then became that Ryan's shower scene only showed him from the head up.

Ryan was invited to an event sponsored by the Iraq Veterans Against The War. He invited only Scott to go with him. It's interesting that whenever Ryan talks with Scott it always sounds like someone talking with a good acquaintance, somewhat reserved. I think Ryan sees Scott as the adult in the group and he wants to try to act grown-up when he talks with Scott.

In a flashback from when Ryan's brother Aaron came to visit, Ryan tells his brother that he is going to talk to someone about PTSD assessment. Aaron was glad to hear it as people back home had been talking about the need for Ryan to check it out. The good thing is that Ryan may be open to stop self-diagnosing and self-treating what can be a serious medical condition, if here were to have it.

On election night, Ryan went to watch the returns at the gay & lesbian center while wearing patriotic Uncle Sam drag. The pant legs were too long as are most of his pants. I think he needs someone to measure and tell him his correct inseam. After the election was called for Obama he went outside and did some celebratory high stepping despite his bad knees (thanks to the temporary therapeutic effects of alcohol, i.e. "rheumatiz" medicine.) You knew he was going to pay for it the next day, and sure enough he was limping.

At the IAVA gala Ryan Conklin got a big kiss from Katelynn Cusanelli, which was sweet. Ryan was dressed up in a nice dark suit and tie. It was much better than the brown one he wore previously with the fake mustache. He cleans up well. Very handsome.

Then came the end and the terrible outcome that the season had been building up to. And with this sentence I can finally stop re-watching this episode and crying with every replay.

Ryan Conklin The Leader

2009-03-14T14:34:00.005-04:00

In episode ten of The Real World Brooklyn, Ryan Conklin showed his leadership skills by organizing an event to raise social awareness. All of the RW cast were on his team to put the event together, so Ryan also got to show his ability to deal with a problem person on the team, specifically his friend Chet Cannon. He ended up with only so-so results for the event, but it was a good opportunity for viewers to see what a take charge guy Ryan is.

The adventure began when the cast was invited to a screening of the made for MTV movie Pedro. They watched the movie and then after the screening, Pete Griffin of Think MTV asked for their reactions and their familiarity with HIV/AIDS and sexual health. Ryan said, "Like where I'm from, people really think it's a big city issue, like AIDS, STDs. Living in a small town, a lot of people say, you know, not in this town. [But] you never know where people have been."

Pete said that in the coming year MTV would launch an initiative to get every sexually active young person in America tested. He asked the roommates to put together a public screening of the movie, which would be coupled with a call to action for awareness and testing. Pete mentioned it would be ideal to have two of the RW roommates host the event.

Chet grinned, immediately focusing on how an event that was supposed to be for the greater good and to help society could instead be used to help him personally work on his hosting career.

There was a discussion among the roommates about who would best be able to connect with the audience and relay the message. Katelynn Cusanelli mentioned her experience in advocacy as perhaps a good consideration for her being a host. Chet gave as his reason for doing it that it fit his career ambition. Interestingly, Ryan gave his honest opinion that his best friend Chet would not be the right choice for the part. Ryan felt that a person who was not sexually active would be less able to relate to the audience and he said so to Chet's face. Ryan steadfastly believed that there is no compromising on integrity and that he had to do the right thing even if it momentarily hurt his friend's feeling.

The roommates went home and Chet ranted in confessional that he could do a good job even though he didn't have any first hand experience. His point was valid that a person could teach about a subject with which they had no personal experience. But for Chet there would been other disqualifying factors, such as complete lack of compassion or empathy for any person (other than Ryan), his selfish motivation for "volunteering", and his inability to make normal connections with other human beings (again, other than Ryan).

Chet went down to the gym to pout and Ryan, as the caring friend that he is, went to see what was wrong with him. About being shot down for the hosting gig, Chet confessed, "I'm not a sensitive individual, but that did hurt my feelings." It bothered him that a social awareness event could happen and with it the roommates wouldn't consider Chet's career goals first above all else.

Ryan was somewhat disgusted by the self-centeredness (a.k.a as "narcissistic personality disorder") and left Chet alone. He had one final admonition for Chet, "Just keep one thing in mind. It's about the message, not our careers." Chet yelled back, "I know it's about the message!" Unfortunately, the message that Chet was referring to was "I'm Chet, it's all about me!"

The roommates convened to plan strategy and the natural leadership skills of Ryan came out and he was able to organize everyone's efforts. Ryan was able to get the seven people who were frequently at odds all on the same page.

Chet and JD Ordonez were tasked with getting a venue. It came down to using the theater at the New York Film Academy or showing the film at the LGBT Center. JD was in favor of the Center, but Ryan was adamant that it not be. Ryan asked Scott Herman, "How many of your friends would want to go to a gay, lesbian, bisexual center? A lot of people will look at our flier, and be like, 'ah, no, I'm not going there.'"

Ryan had visited the center a number of times so the view he was expressing about not wanting to go there was not one he shared. It actually was okay for him to acknowledge that there is prejudice in the world, but with the cameras rolling he probably should have inserted a comment that he didn't condone it. He may have been a little too focused on being pragmatic and on the success of the project to think about the right way to say it.

The event happened at the Academy without a hitch albeit with a very light turnout. It became clear that the location didn't increase the attendance. However since it was a stunt event, it's success was really from just getting the message televised on RW and on showing the commitment of most of the cast to that message.

Ryan Conklin Gives Advice

2009-03-07T19:57:00.002-05:00

In episode nine of The Real World Brooklyn, Ryan Conklin didn't have any adventures of his own, so he was relegated to commenting on others. His roommate Chet Cannon always depended on Ryan for support and advice and he got some in this episode as did Ryan's gal pal, Baya Voce.

One of Chet's problems is that he doesn't always know what the normal parameters are in ordinary society. This can cause him to carry things too far or to say or do things that are just not acceptable. When Ryan thinks it is appropriate or when it is possible to make a difference, he intervenes to keep Chet in check.

Chet almost got in big trouble after talking to Katelynn Cusanelli about her vaginal stents. These are medical devices necessary for her to use for post-surgery dilation. Chet inappropriately asked Katelynn where she kept them, saying as a prank he wanted to hang them over someone's face while they slept. Ryan walked in and heard the word dilate and asked Chet what was meant by it. Chet explained it was used to plumb the depths of Katelynn's va-jay-jay and keep the passage wide open. Ryan's wasn't sure what it was all about but didn't want anything to do with it.

Chet told Ryan his idea of using the stents for a prank. Ryan adamantly said, "No way. You're not going to touch them!" Ryan was able to see that the such a thing was intrusively sick and he made it clear in his order to Chet that it was not to happen. Ryan needs to continue to try to turn Chet away from being the sociopath that he is towards everyone except Ryan.

Continuing with Chet, in this episode Atlantic Records took advantage of the RW cameras by agreeing to let Chet "interview" the group Danger Radio so that they could be seen on the show. It was kind of sad that Chet felt "accomplished" by it. He really didn't get the concept that Atlantic Records would have been just as happy having Scott Herman's water bottle interview the group if it would get them airtime.

Later, Chet was invited to a club to watch Danger Radio perform. He brought Ryan along with him. After the performance the group talked to Chet and Ryan and Chet invited them back to the house. They agreed and the band and the roommates had an impromptu party. Ryan got the opportunity to sing his "1863" song for them and they and everyone of course enjoyed Ryan's work.

At some other time, Chet needed a head shot, which JD Ordonez agreed to take. Ryan provided posing advice to Chet and was asked by Chet for inspiration. Ryan gave "inspiration" by pulling down the back of his pants, exposing his surprisingly non-hairy bottom. How this was inspiration for Chet to look happy is left to the imagination.

With Baya Voce, Ryan's advice was only to the camera and not to her directly. She had auditioned for the Hip Hop Conservatory but she had declined the acceptance. Ryan wasn't aware of that and had previously asked Baya when she was going to start. Baya explained that their instructional style seemed similar to that of the military and it was not for her, so she decided not to join.

Ryan wasn't happy about it because his philosophy is never to quit and to prove to yourself that you can do things you thought you couldn't. He mentioned that the military doesn't allow you to quit and that's a good thing. He thought that Baya had a history of giving up, so he said about her, "Somebody needs to slap her! And like [tell her] Baya! Work! Harder!"

Three things about Ryan's harsh assessment of Baya: 1) you can tell in his eyes that he is saying what he is saying not because he looks down on her, but rather because he cares about her and her future. 2) Ryan forgets that when he said that the military is not for everyone, that also means that their instructional and motivational styles are definitely not for everyone either. 3) Ryan has only tried a few things in life and they are things that he found worthy of seeing through to the end. He hasn't discovered yet that in life sometimes you need to try different things and if they don't work out you need to stop and try something new instead.

Most non-surprising moment of the episode: Chet summarized his life and career by saying, "I feel like I am a celebrity in my own mind. And it's a good feeling." Would that we all could travel to that alternate universe that is Chet's mind and bask in our own imaginary greatness.

Ryan Conklin On Camera

2009-02-28T22:00:00.002-05:00

In episode eight of The Real World Brooklyn, Ryan Conklin began to express his inner Spielberg. He has an affinity for filmmaking and since he was in New York and had time on his hand, he decided to get some training on it. He had dabbled in filmmaking during high school and was ready now to get into more advanced instruction.

Ryan started off with getting his feet wet and back into it by participating in the taping of a promotional webisode for the Fairway Market grocery store in New York. He and Chet had been invited by Daniel Glickberg of the family that owns Fairway Market to watch the taping of a webisode on how to carve a turkey. Ryan watched the process with interest and actually got the opportunity to do some impromptu interviewing in front of the camera. He did a good job with it as he always look legit, no matter on what subject he's talking. Unfortunately, during the interview Ryan and Chet became possessed by the MTV spirits of Beavis and Butthead. They started giggling when there was a mention that when carving the bird you should slip the tip in and feel the bone. Unable to go on, Ryan's brief foray into instructional videos for food preparation was brought to a close.

Hoping for something better, Ryan enrolled in a 4 week program at the New York Film Academy. Once he started there he was very excited about gaining understanding about the art of film making and about evoking his creative tendencies. Early in the program he was shown a scene from Apocalypse Now with the sound muted and he said he was blown away by seeing how the emotion was still conveyed by the visuals.

During the program Ryan would have 3 projects to do. For his first project, which was on 16mm, he has to do a mise-en-scène lasting under a minute using only three shots. He had Chet Cannon and Scott Herman be the actors. Chet played a man sitting on a bench reading a newspaper with an apple, which gets stolen by Scott. In Chet fashion, he was proud and boasted of his performance in his "demanding" role.

For one of his next projects, Ryan decided to do a very "dark" film. He chose himself to be the actor because he knew what he wanted from the role. He remarked that acting was easy for him. It should be, with Ryan's expressive face and better-than-James-Dean look.

Ryan's favorite part of the process was the editing. He loved being in the editing room by himself focusing on crafting the materialization of his vision. He put a lot of hours into it but enjoyed the hard work.

One night when Chet came home very late he noticed that Ryan wasn't there. Chet became very worried and tried to call Ryan but got no answer. Eventually Ryan called back and said that he had fallen asleep on the train and now he was out on the street somewhere. Chet, Scott, and JD Ordonez immediately went to go pick him up. They found Ryan and told him how much they had been concerned about his whereabouts and how much they cared about him.

It would be good if Ryan Conklin used that as inspiration to turn away from dark subjects and make a good buddy movie, reflecting the camaraderie and goodwill that Ryan engenders in his friends and all those around him.

Before they were famous

Ryan Conklin And Girls

2009-02-21T18:53:00.007-05:00

In episode seven of The Real World Brooklyn, most of the air time is devoted to Devyn Simone's two-timing with multiple boyfriends and to the adventure that might be called The Great Rat Caper. However, the most interesting part of the episode was snuggled in near the end and only amounted to a few minutes. It was the visit by Ryan Conklin's girlfriend Michelle ("Belle"). It provided another little insight into Ryan's personality and his persona. Though the view was brief, it showed some important characteristics.

Ryan was shown talking to Belle on the phone about her impending visit to Brooklyn. It was clear that he was happy that she was coming. He talked with her about some ideas of what they might do together while she was there. She said she wouldn't mind just sitting and staring at him all day (so I can tell right off that she and I have at least one thing in common). He replied, "Freak," as he suitably picked his nose and looked at the result and tossed it to the floor.

Belle continued her affectionate remarks with, "Ryan, I haven't seen your beautiful face in so long." Ryan in Ryan-like fashion let her know (playfully and with a smile), "Oh my God, you are going to make me throw up. Shut up!" Ryan may not like to hear comments like those but he is willing to suffer through them for another person's sake.

Some time later, Belle arrived at the doorstep. Ryan gave her a friendly hug and then showed her around the grounds. In an inserted video clip, he said "Belle is like my best friend. It's like hanging out with one of the guys, but it's a girl, and it's my girl-friend." In other words, she's a friend that Ryan can be affectionate with and touch, but not feel awkward about it like he might be with his buddies.

He also said, "I'm just glad that she's here. I feel more comfortable." That's because, despite having made new friends in the Real World house, Ryan still needed someone around that he knew he trust implicitly and who represented the kind of people he missed from back in Pennsylvania.

Ryan introduced Belle to Baya Voce. Baya showed a excruciatingly broad smile as she ran to hug Belle and tell her how happy she was to see her. The reaction probably was a way to ease any guilt that Baya felt from even creating an impression that she had been coming on to Ryan, which he had previously accused her of.

Belle and Ryan ended up going to Coney Island, with JD Ordonez acting as chaperone. In spite of any bravado about being a man of the world, Ryan still preferred to act as a gentleman with his lady.

Ryan confessed, "She's the first girl that I said that I love her. And I really true feel that way."

During the car ride from Coney Island, Ryan talked about the Inactive Ready Reserve, which he is still part of. He said that up until September 10, 2010 he could still be called back to active duty. Belle told him not to worry about it because she believed that it was not going to happen. Ryan considers the possibility but doesn't dwell on it. He claims to live in the moment. On the other hand, if it were to happen he believes it would be very tough on their relationship. He didn't state explicitly why he felt that way.

And so Belle's visit came to an end and she got ready to leave. She became tearful and Ryan gently told her to stop. In inserted video he said, "I'm just like a robot when it comes to emotions. I'm not the one that weeps and cries. I'm just not that person."

This is very strange because physical conditions that prevent tear production are not very common. Also, it is not something that can be controlled by will. Crying is an involuntary physical reaction to a sorrowful situation. You can't will yourself not to cry just like you can't will yourself not to sweat if you overheat. The absence of tears instead would indicate that you aren't experiencing something that you find sorrowful enough. Assuming that Ryan doesn't have a defective "sensitivity chip", he must just have a high threshold for what makes him sad. When something bad enough happens, Ryan will cry.

There is a final embrace between Belle and Ryan in the car. He said, "You know I hate goodbyes. It's see-ya-laters, remember?" Ryan gave her a good-bye hug, but he is not comfortable with touchy-feely embraces. He endures it for her sake.

From what we know, let's look at what Ryan needs in a girlfriend. Here is a list of requirements:

1) She has to be like one of the guys. Ryan wants a girl who is a buddy and who likes to go do buddy things with him, not someone who would rather play house.
2) She needs to be a lot like him. I thought of the episode of Seinfeld where Jerry finally met someone who he was willing to marry. It was because she was just like him. Granted, eventually Jerry decided that he couldn't stand being around someone like himself, but in Ryan's case I believe it would be longer lasting.
3) She has to be someone who is supportive of Ryan. Ryan is a free spirit and needs someone to gently encourage him to find productive ways to follow his dreams and not someone who would criticize his ideas or try to hobble him.
4) She needs to be someone who is not overly emotional. It makes Ryan uncomfortable and can only be a negative.
5) She has to be someone that Ryan feels that he can trust completely and be someone he knows will be there to lean on as he deals with his bottled up feelings.
6) She has to be someone who is understanding of Ryan. She has to know that he can only show as much emotion and care as he can, but she also has to realize that that doesn't mean he doesn't feel more than he can show.
7) She has to be someone with the same sense of humor, but not a bigger joker than he is. He's proud to be the king of comedy and isn't looking for competition.
8) She has to be someone who doesn't worry excessively about things. That would be too much of a mismatch with Ryan's "live for the day" mentality.

So does Belle fit the bill? It looks like she fits 1, 2, and 7, and possibly 5 & 6. On 3, 4, and 8, it looks like a mismatch, especially on number 3. Ryan was very disappointed that Belle didn't support his desire to be cast on the Real World and that cast a pall on their relationship.

Another thing is that Belle is a pharmacy major. Would that work, paired with a person like Ryan who favors something in the creative arts? Don't know.

From her brief appearance on RWBK, it can be seen that Belle is a really nice person, who sincerely loved Ryan very much. However, as readers of Ryan's comments on iamonmtv.com know, he and Belle are no longer together. As sad as any break-up may be, for two good people it's better to end it sooner rather than later once it becomes clear that it's not a perfect match.

========================

Now back to The Great Rat Caper.

The roommates discovered that their home was infested with mice. When they are spotted, JD jumped onto the countertop and Sarah onto a chair. Ryan remarked that it was just a mouse and that it was ridiculous to see how some people reacted. At the same time it was apparent he was gleeful to see people jumping.

There was ongoing bad blood between JD and both Devyn Simone and Sarah Rice. They mutually treated each other like crap, although Devyn and Sarah were much better equipped to handle it than JD. JD resented that the girls refused to acknowledge that they were mean to him, so he devised a plan for retribution. He decided to buy a rat from a pet store and put it in Devyn's bed.

He knew that he would be unable to place it in Devyn's bed surreptitiously because he would not be able to keep from laughing. For this reason he engaged Chet to help. Chet and the other straight guys were already appalled by Devyn's having two boyfriends at the same time. They felt that according to the guy code that they should do something to show their displeasure, so they were happy to join in the plot.

The "covert op" with Devyn was a success. Later, Ryan wanted to get Sarah too because he just didn't like her and wanted to see her have a bad reaction to it. He took the rat and placed it under her bed covers.

At some point Sarah turned back the covers and saw the rat droppings. Strangely, she emphasized that she has not slept on those sheets yet, as if to stress that the doo-doo pellets were not her own. She accidentally flung the rat to the floor but when she saw it she jumped onto the bed and into the rat poo. She then ran out of her room with her fecal feet to tell everyone. Ryan pumped his arms victoriously. Another triumph for Ryan and another example of what Ryan regards as having a good time with girls.

Highlight of the week: RyanConklin lying with Scott on his bed while wearing shorts, a double dose of hot maleness. Love those Ryan legs.

Ryan Conklin Returns To Smallville

2009-02-14T23:05:00.013-05:00

Returning from Metropolis to his home town of Smallville, superhero Ryan Conkin showed the viewers of Real World Brooklyn a glimpse of the origin of his not so secret identity: the mild mannered small town boy. He also showed the source of his great power and the nature of his one weakness, the thing that he must avoid long exposure to in order to retain his abilities.

Chapter six of the RWBK series began with the characters Katelynn Cusanelli, JD Ordonez, and Sara Rice volunteering to work at the New York City LGBT community center. There the trio learned of a plan for a special fundraising event, known as Braking the Cycle. It would be a bicycle ride that coincidentally begins in young Ryan's hometown of Gettysburg, PA. The three agreed to join forces with the center and use the ride as a weapon to fight the archenemy, HIV/AIDS.

The threesome returned to Ryan's lair at Pier 41 and revealed to him the plan. Ryan, fulfilling his mission to aid mankind and to protect the American Way, quickly agreed to ally with the LGBT league and to travel back to the place where his journey had first begun.

Ryan was excited by the circumstance. Though his adventures had taken him far from home, the place was still dear to him. He wished to show the other members of the Real World team, who had also agreed to join the mission, why he loved it so much.

On the appointed day for the start of the journey, Ryan arose from his bed at the break of dawn. He was clad only in the protective boxer shorts that many have longed to penetrate though few have succeeded. Wishing to travel in the guise of an ordinary straight boy, Ryan covered his handsome physique with traveling garb and looked to gather his compatriots.

Ryan saw that the females of the group were still asleep, as though under the influence of some dark force. Relying on the training he had received years before as a member of a marching band, Ryan marched into the room to awaken them. He resourcefully used a pan, rather than his trusty trumpet, to produce a sound so great that no sleep could withstand it.

The females rouse, but in that instant Ryan was forced to flee from their presence. As the story unfolds it becomes clear that females drain Ryan of his abilities and so he must not remain long in their company. Prolonged exposure could even be mortal. Ryan's sidekick Chet Cannon was aware of this and accordingly insisted that the females ride in a vehicle separate from Ryan's man force. Ryan acknowledged that riding in the car with even one of the females for a period of four hours would cause him not to arrive alive.

In their own vehicle the boys successfully used artifice to separate themselves from the females and to proceed with haste to Gettysburg.

They arrived at the rendezvous where they had arranged to meet the other superhero in Ryan's family, his brother, the equally powerful and even more hunky Aaron Conklin. While Ryan was away in Brooklyn, Aaron had remained behind in his identity as a security officer at Gettysburg College. There he helped those in need, and protected the innocent youth of the school.

For Ryan, the immediate need was to replenish his power. The source of it is an unknown form of energy that is created by all men. It surrounds them, penetrates them and binds them all together. It can be harnessed by Ryan out of the focused effort of a group of men engaging in similar activity and in close proximity.

To effect the power production, Ryan had a plan to commandeer a local transport and use it to bring his brother and the Brooklyn man force together where they could bond and release their free testosterone. He accomplished this and the manpower began to flow. Unfortunately, half way through the process, the females arrived and threatened to negate the action. Ryan deftly diverted them away and completed his plan.

Re-energized, Ryan was then able to take time to visit with his family and introduce the Real Worlders to them. Ryan brought them all together for dinner at the The Pike restaurant in Gettysburg. Upon meeting Ma and Pa Conklin, the Real Worlders finally understood from where Ryan had gotten his good and gentle nature.

To fulfill their mission, early the next day all the Real Worlders converged on the opening ceremonies of the cycling event. There they expected to support helping others and to honor those who had passed away. Sadly, their success was marred by an antagonist from within the group. The soulless Chet Cannon used the opportunity to mock the dead and to terribly engross himself in only his own amusement.

Letting his ugliness from inside show through, Chet disrespectfully used a flag meant to honor a specific victim of AIDS in a way that he admitted was an attempt at a "joke" so that he "could have a good time."

The only joke related to this would be to have a standard size flag pole shoved up Chet's ass and then waved vigorously. He's not like Ryan, and surely someday Ryan will call him out for his bad behavior.

With the charitable event completed, Ryan Conklin returned to Brooklyn. Another chapter in the story of this American hero had reached its conclusion. Without doubt there will be many more in the future.

250,000 Visitors

2009-02-12T20:18:00.000-05:00

This blog has hit the mark of having over 250,000 visitors in total since its inception. For sites that get that much in day, this would seem like incredibly small potatoes. For this site, since it is only a hobby and something that I update infrequently on only a small number of television subjects, it's pretty good. I have trouble imagining that many people seeing this thing.

To share the credit, I have to thank Brian Kehoe and Danny Nunez and the rest of the models of The Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency who inspire a lot of interest and web searches, day after day around the world.

Second, I have to thank Brett Novek and the America's Most Smartest Model cast, who still grab people's attention. People have never lost interest in Brett (me neither) and they find their way to my pages. Brett was my first break out star and you never forget your first. ♥ Brett.

Third, I have to thank the boys of Make Me A Supermodel, season one. There are always people interested in Ben DiChiara and Perry Ullmann.

Fourth, I have to thank the people who have become one page wonders on the site. Adult film star Aaron James comes to mind.

Fifth, I have to mention Ryan A. Conklin who is beginning to draw eyeballs over here. He's a complicated character who takes a lot of time, and I do mean a lot, to figure out so I hope it will be worth it in the end.

I also have to mention Bravo's Work Out. What a dud for me. It was a lot of work and no payoff. Occasionally I get a hit on a search about Greg Plitt, but he was a minor character in my posts. I really skewered Jackie Warner and I wanted to share that condemnation with the world.

Most importantly, I thank you nameless strangers who pass this way and especially the ones who leave a comment.

I really don't know how much longer I will continue to publish stuff online. I'm not a writer and I don't get satisfaction from the act of writing. It's work and I would rather devote my time to other things that may interest me. At first I wanted to see if I could do it and now I know I can, so that's done. The thing that keeps bringing me back is that I kind of hate the idea of building something up and then letting it die a slow death.

If I'm still doing this I'll give a shout out at the half million mark. Till then...

Ryan Conklin Light And Dark

2009-02-06T19:30:00.004-05:00

When I saw the preview video for episode five of Real World Brooklyn, with clips of Ryan Conklin shouting and him being noticeably saddened in relation to his experience in Iraq and his being in New York for the anniversary of 9/11, I felt dread about what the episode would show. I had started to feel fondness for Ryan the character during the first episode and by the end of the fourth I definitely had affection for the person. So being empathetic towards him, I was eager to find out what happened and concerned about what that may be.

The episode begins like the relaxing ascension on the first hill of a major roller coaster. You can lean back and enjoy the view on a nice summer day.

In early September, the roommates prepared to go the Love Brigade fashion show during the Mercedes-Benz Fashion Week for Spring 2009 in NYC. Ryan lightheartedly feigned interest in fashion with Baya Voce. It's funny, you have to know enough to know what to say in order to mock it and Ryan did it well.

Next, Ryan the scamp was shown mischievously tying people's shoelaces backwards as a playful prank. The affected roommates were mildly amused.

In the same spirit, JD Ordonez also wanted to play and to give Ryan and Chet Cannon a silly prank in return. With Scott Herman and Katelynn Cusanelli's help, he sprayed some shaving cream into Chet and Ryan's room while they were sleeping. The boys were awakened by the rain of this light foam.

By the way, we are now at the top of the hill on that roller coaster. Hang on.

Ryan immediately knew that JD was responsible (because of JD's distinctive laugh) and confronted him. Ryan began shouting at JD in a frightening rage with an out-of-control volume and demeanor that made Ryan appear to be almost completely unhinged. JD, though lying down, stood his ground and didn't let himself get intimidated, which probably fueled Ryan even more. The other roommates cowered in their rooms, fearful of the shocking outburst that they could hear. Eventually Ryan broke off the attack and returned to his room with Chet to wipe up the residue of the shaving cream.

Ryan tried to explain on his MTV blog that though he was indeed agitated by what JD had done, he intentionally wanted to look furious about being blamed for the shoelaces so that people would think he really hadn't been doing it.

Here's my take on the whole incident:

1) The reason for the reaction. Ryan admitted that he has a unusual problem with being disturbed while sleeping, which he attributes to his experience in the army. That's believable. However, when talking to Scott about JD's prank, Ryan rationalized his reaction with some clearly on-the-fly rules of pranking that he said that JD broke. Supposedly, one of the tenets of "Ryan's Rules of Pranking" is that one cannot commit a prank in someone's bedroom, especially while they are sleeping. That's not believable. I'm sure that Ryan himself would not hesitate to prank someone in a similar situation. [Update 2/11/09: Ryan wakes Katelynn and the house by banging loudly on a pan. How is that not worse than waking with foam?] [Update 2/18/09: Ryan participates in pranking Devyn with a rat in her bed while she is sleeping. By himself, he also puts the rat in Sarah's bed. Apparently the prohibition on bedroom pranks only applied during the time period that episode five was taped.]

2) The reaction itself. I believe that Ryan intended to put on a good show when confronting JD, but real rage did take over. Devyn made a good assessment that Ryan's reaction came from something much more serious that being coated with foam. To me, Ryan's being awakened did trigger something in his mind. He was unwillingly reminded that he could have some kind of negative experience back in civilian life from just being awakened and for this, at least for awhile, he hated JD for causing it to occur.

3) The planned retaliation. Seething with anger over the feelings that JD's prank had produced in him, Ryan told Chet that he would like to duct tape JD's mouth with a sock in it and tie JD to a mattress and put him outside. Later, Ryan lost sleep trying to formulate a counter-attack that would include a fish and JD slipping and potentially hurting himself. I like to believe that Ryan wouldn't actually torture or cause someone physical harm, so giving him the benefit of the doubt, these statements must just be a way of venting through imagination. Still, they reflect that something must be terribly wrong to have such ill-will over an incident so inconsequential as shaving cream.

That brings us to the subject of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). It is understood that the show is edited to create whatever impression is desired, but it still seems clear that something is affecting Ryan. What is really disconcerting is that Ryan keeps saying that he knows people who are badly affected by keeping their problems bottled up and by not wanting to be thought of as having a problem. As many times, Ryan also says that he, Ryan, is also like that (hint, hint). If this is not being done consciously, then certainly his subconscious is shouting to everyone that something is not right. There should be compulsory evaluation over time for stress disorders of veterans returning from combat so that pride doesn't get in the the way of getting some kind of relief.

On the 7th anniversary of 9/11, Ryan went with a army friend to the commemoration at Ground Zero. He was moved by that and by further reflections on the day and the effects the original tragedy has had on the world and on him personally. Ryan has a hard exterior but some inner sentimentality. No shame in letting a softer side show through; he should do it more.

The episode ended with Ryan Conklin looking at the light display for the twin towers and dejectedly commenting on his "crummy life". This is where the prayers of his new TV friends cause Clarence, now AS1, to be summoned and to point out to him the wonderful life before and yet to be.

Ryan Conklin Is Not The Love Guru

2009-01-30T20:20:00.010-05:00

In episode four of Real World Brooklyn Ryan Conklin showed that his views on socializing with females are practical and utilitarian. Ryan is not interested in any extra things, like romance and sentimentality. He just wants to focus on everyone having a good time in the simplest way possible.

The episode begins with the news that Scott Herman has gotten the cast invited to a private party. Unfortunately for Ryan, it was expected that everyone should dress nice and Ryan was worried that he didn't have anything suitable to wear. Baya Voce told him he needed to wear a shirt with a collar, which confused Ryan, whose only frame of reference for that manner of dress was going to a golf club.

Ryan has the same approach to his wardrobe that he does for girls. His clothes are for casual times and require low maintenance.

Ryan settled on wearing his suit. On the way out of the house, raffish Ryan was very impressed with his sensible suit of proletarian brown and gave himself a hearty "bwang!", which is like a "schwing!" but is specifically from getting excited about seeing yourself in clothes that never need ironing.

At the party, Chet saw Scott's model friend Alex, who he had previously met. Chet hoped that he would have the opportunity to get to know her a little more "intimately" that night. Since Chet has stated that he is unwilling to engage in any sort of close or suggestive contact, I'm not sure that he understands what "intimately" means. Later we learn that in the Mormon dialect the term may refer to an act that is something on the way merely to kissing with your eyes open.

Ryan gave straight forward advice to Chet, saying, "go get her," and "trust me." Chet for some reason didn't appear yet to want to take the advice of a man who accessorized with a taped on, ersatz Snidely Whiplash mustache.

Chet did manage to chat her up and he danced with her for awhile. He thought from that they he might actually have a chance with her. Yes, with giving a girl the opportunity to be on national television he had a chance with her. Oh, it's going to be sad and lonely to be there when the cameras are turned off for good.

Chet did manage to corral a date with Alex and while she and Chet were out together she appeared to enjoy her face time on camera. After the date was over, Chet, somehow flush from his night of heavily bridled passion, talked to Ryan about the evening. Chet talked about his feelings, saying he felt like he had had a really good night. Ryan, on the other hand, wanted to be much more practical in his own assessment of the appointment.

Ryan astutely told Chet that Chet really couldn't see himself marrying the girl. Chet agreed. Ryan asked then why was Chet wasting his time dating her. Ryan explained that the reason you go on a date with someone is to "try them out" to see if you want to marry them. In other words, it's a casting process to see if the female is suitable to take care of your house, bear your brood, and most importantly, not try to hinder you from having some fun in your life by you getting out of the house and going out with the guys.

My advice to all the Mrs. Conklin-wannabes is that he's just not that into you, but don't take it personal. Ryan Conklin will choose someone for that cameo role someday, but not anytime soon. Still, if you don't mind just taking care of business, and be willing to be the subject of a prank or two, you might be the lucky one to curl his 'stache.

Ryan Conklin Making Music

2009-01-24T23:22:00.014-05:00

In episode three of Real World Brooklyn, Ryan Conklin pursued his plan to make a song recording during his time in New York. Because the phone calls and written arrangements between BMP, MTV, music managers and music producers isn't very exciting to watch on television, the show had Ryan and other cast members go to Angels & Kings lounge where he 'happened to' meet manager Doug Newman from Crush Management. From that encounter, he got an appointment to meet with music producer Machine.

On the day of the meeting, Ryan and sidekick Chet Cannon left to go meet Machine. Chet, as amateur life coach and career consultant, gave Ryan the best advice he was capable of: "Play well today. Don't f' it up."

At the meeting, Machine showed interest in Ryan's experience in Iraq, knowing it could be inspiration for Ryan's music and that it could produce compelling results. He mentioned the movie "We Were Soldiers" as an example of a high-quality, dramatic piece that was inspired by combat.

Machine then said to Ryan, give me one thing that will sell you and endear you to everybody. ("Bring you into me!") Ryan, incredibly, turned to Chet and asked for advice on song selection. Chet, the never-to-be music mogul, picked his own favorite, "The Tampon Song". Apparently, Chet doesn't follow his own advice not to f' it up.

Going along, Ryan felt compelled to explain that the song was written while drinking with army buddies, enjoying a "drunk escapade". Not a song coming from a tragic experience, but rather a song that could create one.

Ryan sang his song with enthusiasm. You would want to cheer for him, if you were able to block out the subject matter. The bottom line was that the song didn't showcase Ryan's talent as a songwriter and it got in the way of appreciating his vocals.

Machine politely told Ryan that the song was very funny. He also said that Ryan is a cool guy and lovable. In other words, it was the music business equivalent of telling an obese person that at least they have a nice personality. Unfortunately for military loving Machine, he wanted Saving Private Ryan and got Shaving Ryan's Privates. Still, he was very nice about it. Machine's advice was to go build a following (actually accomplished in some way from the airing of the show) and then in the future the sky would be the limit.

It had not turned out the way that Ryan had hoped. He really just wanted to do a demo recording and not present himself yet as being immediately ready for a professional career.

Afterward, Ryan immediately regretted his song choice (and his reliance on Chet for potentially life-altering career advice) and thought he might have had different results with a different song. That might be true on American Idol, but really the situation was not exactly what Ryan thought it was, so any song would have led to the same result and guidance.

Nevertheless, Ryan was disappointed and a little embarrassed, but he tried to appear as though nothing was wrong. That night Ryan tried to take his mind off of his disappointment by laying on his bed and editing his manuscript on his war experience. Fellow cast member Baya Voce, eager to know how things had turned out, tried to talk to Ryan about it. He brushed the experience off as being not too important and just the way he thought it would be. That was so sad. You want to cry for Ryan when he won't.

Baya has said that she gets along really well with Ryan, which is totally understandable. Who wouldn't get along with Ryan Conklin? Even a man called "Machine" said he was lovable.

At a club one night, Baya thought she was good enough friends with Ryan to do some playful dirty dancing with him. Concerned with how it would look later to his girlfriend Belle (and because he feels awkward with displays of affection with the ladies), he shut Baya down hard by telling her, "I have a girlfriend."

Whoa, bad move. I hope Ryan learned his lesson. Saying that to a girl is going to be regarded as very offensive. It's a double accusation that a girl is hitting on you and that worse, she is trying to steal some other girl's man. Most females are not going to like that (except for women like Angelina Jolie who would only think, so what?)

At home, Ryan realized that he had done something wrong and while he and Baya were brushing their telegenic teeth, he told her the George Costanza-ish line that he had gotten scared and it wasn't her, it was him. It took holding a large mouthful of spit and toothpaste for him to be able to say that with a straight face.

Having hopped on the lame bus, Ryan tried to make things clearer by writing Baya a strange rambling email. Again concerned with his actions being captured on camera, Ryan decided it would be better to write out his words rather than speak them. The message was edited for the viewers to be nearly incomprehensible but the gist of what was presented appeared to be that he would like to be with Baya if he didn't have someone at home that he was afraid to piss off. That didn't make his relationship with Belle sound so good.

When Baya read the note she had trouble understanding it. One, because as Ryan later admitted he had been under the influence when he wrote it, and two, because straight boys should only write things like memoirs about fighting in Iraq, not notes on love or relationships. If they need to do the latter, they should just copy from Hallmark.

By the way, when I think of the name Baya (Spanish for 'berry') I think of the exclamation of "Bailamos!" from the song with that title. In Spanish the word means 'we dance', which fits well with a dancer like Baya. Maybe Ryan could get some song writing inspiration from a name like Baya Voce to make his own signature Babalu. A thought, use it as you will.

Looking for a way to bump and grind his troubles away, Ryan went with the girls to a pole dancing class. At the class, he stretched, he danced, he undulated. He enjoyed himself, although he appeared a bit pained when he had to lay on his back, throw his legs in the air and spread them wide. What would you expect from a guy that's a top?

He showed another of his many talents when he humped the pole. Seeing the clip of it, you have to think, now that's a demo tape. It wouldn't get him the career he wanted, but it would at least be a start in the entertainment business.

Ryan Conklin Comes Out

2009-01-17T07:44:00.008-05:00

In episode two of The Real World Brooklyn, Ryan Conklin showed his interest in socializing with some of the other 2% of the population. He was eager to take a walk on the wild side, by making his first visit to a gay bar.

Some of the housemates had agreed to go out one night, and JD Ordonez suggested that they leave Brooklyn and go into the city to a bar in Chelsea. Ryan learned from a friend that the district is known for containing concentrated gayness. He let his roommate Chet Cannon know, but in the process showed his lack of knowledge of the gay social scene and the Chelsea area in particular. Ryan said that the men at the bar would eat Chet up the way Chet was dressed, and that people in the area were all into S/M and wearing assless chaps.

Maybe the patrons at a gay retiree bar might consider eating up Chet the way he looks and dresses, but I have to believe anywhere else they would just spit him out. I did find it adorable that Ryan, after having just stated his belief that there would be assless chaps, said excitedly, "I'm going! I'm down for different things!" That's good to know. Some guys might be wishing he were down with being in a bromance with them - you know, with benefits.

Ryan is straight, so I won't claim that he was making Freudian comments when he said why he was going. "Dude, that's why I'm coming! Because I've never been around that kind of stuff, so I'm trying to expose myself!" Dude, wait on the exposing until you're on the dance platform, and then only if you think the tip will be worth it.

Entering the bar, Ryan said to Chet what most guys in that situation do. "I'm nervous. Pretend you're my boyfriend." Interestingly, it didn't seem to be a stretch for Chet to pretend that.

Like Alice, having then fallen down the rabbit hole, Ryan Conklin needed something to drink to carry on. After lubricating himself with alcohol, he looked around in wonderment. Seeing a drag queen perform and lots of men making out, he regarded it all as curiouser and curiouser.

To have some fun, JD then told Ryan he would give him $100 if Ryan would dance with the drag diva, Peppermint. Ryan was well intoxicated and agreed to the bargain. Under the spotlight, and being the center of attention at the bar, Ryan felt understandably awkward and embarrassed, but tried to be a good sport about it. Peppermint then changed the deal to be Ryan giving her a kiss on the cheek instead. Good-natured Ryan went along with the revision. As Ryan prepped himself to plant the kiss, Peppermint counted to three. Suddenly Peppermint turned and gave Ryan a big ol' surprise kiss on the lips. Apparently, the shocked and soused Ryan took a dislike to the taste of the gloss and/or the thick layers of lipstick and immediately and repeatedly wiped his lips. Whatever it was he came in contact with, Ryan frantically wanted to wash it off with a lot of soap and water.

Leaving the bar, Ryan was so drunk that he could barely walk. Understandably, when he got back to the house he had to throw up. Afterward he walked in on JD, Sarah Rice and Devyn Simone, and wearing a t-shirt and boxers, laid backward on Sarah. JD copped a good feel of Ryan's chest, while asking him the odd question of whether Ryan believed that he would have thrown up after coming home (seeing double) from a straight bar rather than a gay one. Bewildered, Ryan replied no. Devyn then correctly pointed out that he wouldn't have drunk so much in a straight bar because the girls there wouldn't have bought as many drinks for him as his discerning admirers at the gay bar would.

By the way, some smart (and necessarily good-looking) straight boys have already discovered that starting their evening at a gay bar is a good way to score some free drinks and some entertaining conversations. Give it a try.

Anyway, it was a cool bonding moment between JD and Ryan. JD in confessional stated he felt that, contrary to first impression, Ryan seemed more "open-minded" (i.e. a good guy).

There could have been friction between the two, in asserting a dominant role in the male social hierarchy in the house. JD had a natural advantage for the top spot as Chet found out when he discovered that JD had possession of Magnum condoms, which indicated by association that JD had an extra large penis. Chet was rightfully in awe of the physical manifestation of JD's manhood and told JD in front of Ryan, "Make us proud," as JD sashayed across the room. JD was literally the c@ck of the walk, projecting his preeminence.

To keep all of the guys on the same level, Ryan sounded the alarm (as in an alarm clock). He made it seem like it was a phone ringer or door buzzer and had JD running through the house and out of it looking for the cause. Apparently all the blood and nutrients required by that extra large penis didn't leave much for the brain cells. JD was let in on the joke and with the gaiety of the prank was gently brought back down into the peer group.

There wasn't such a nice set of stories regarding Ryan's best friend in the house, Chet.

First, Scott Herman and JD noticed that there was a banana wrapped in a condom in the fish tank. Ryan, a believer in cleanliness and tasteful decor, ruefully said, "Way to make everything look trashy here." JD, due to the size of the condom, immediately wondered if the condom was his.

JD noticed that his backpack and drawers had been opened, and he complained to Devyn that he suspected that Chet had done it. The house meet to discuss Chet rummaging through JD's things and they elected Sarah to discuss it with Chet. Sarah bravely agreed to do it, considering that Chet creates the appearance of someone who is substantially mentally disturbed under his somewhat creepy outward eccentricity. She talked to Chet, who wasn't happy about it. He denied the charge, but probably lied to her and then again to JD, saying he didn't do it.

Later, Chet's family came for a visit. The blond brood appeared to the product of a Mormon eugenics and large scale breeding program. Unfortunately, mixing genes can cause some unintended consequences, like maybe turning on a gene for sociopathic behavior. During the visit it was said that Chet was thrown out of his fraternity for setting someone's hair on fire. Let me mention the definition of antisocial personality disorder from the APA's Diagnostic and Statistical Manual and leave it at that: "The essential feature for the diagnosis is a pervasive pattern of disregard for, and violation of, the rights of others that begins in childhood or early adolescence and continues into adulthood."

At the end of the episode, JD went out by himself and came back home wasted. He told a tale of going into a store to purchase Chapstick where the clerk could not understand what he was requesting. The way he told the story was rather humorous. I like JD so much better when he has been drinking. The moment was ruined however when Chet came upon the scene and tried to take advantage of JD's state by trying to pick a fight. Chet's soulless and glassy-eyed stare as he confronted JD was pretty scary but the argument was broken up by the roommates and JD was taken off to bed. Fortunately, with the cameramen present the roommates didn't have to sleep behind locked doors or with one of them staying awake as guard while Chet was in the house. Their hair and lives were safe.

The Stars of Real World: Brooklyn

2009-01-09T21:03:00.011-05:00

In the 21st incarnation of The Real World, the first episode showed that eight, not seven, roommates would be moving into the "house" in the host borough of Brooklyn. However, even from the very first minutes, it was was clear that the season would actually be about the two leads, Ryan Conklin and Katelynn Cusanelli, and one supporting character, Chet Cannon. Then there are five extras that appear in order to support the understanding of the main characters and to provide various meaningless subplots.

Between the two leads, the top billing would have to go to Ryan. He says, when we are first introduced to him, that "I like to think I can figure anyone out in the first five minutes of knowing them. Guaranteed." Well, what makes him the lead, and the most interesting character (of this season and maybe any other), is that you can't figure him out in five minutes. There's clearly a lot to him and it's going to take a full season to get a grasp on who this engaging person really is.

Ryan is humorous and lighthearted, but also bright and very articulate. He likes to analyze his roommates and from that he is able to make accurate discoveries of who they are before the others do. (Analyzing personalities makes him a man of my own heart so I got to love that.)

Some of the things he figures out is that Katelynn is transgendered and that roommate J.D. Ordonez is gay. Ryan is not aware of any gay or transgendered people in his hometown of Gettysburg, so he is deeply interested in learning more about LGBT people. (Note to the gay people of Gettysburg: your assignment is to go introduce yourself to Ryan. Maybe not all at once but perhaps a dozen or so at a time.)

What the other roommates didn't discover about Ryan until he told them was that he spent over three years in the Army, including a year in Iraq. He didn't divulge it right away because he didn't want the other cast members to prejudge him as a "military goon" or a veteran that "has problems." But after awhile he let them know that he had joined the Army when he was 17, having been inspired by the events of 9/11. So from this the viewer can see that in addition to the other traits mentioned, he is also idealistic and patriotic, although he tempers it with rationality and realism as he didn't always agree with the conduct of the war.

Despite the maturity needed to go off and fight, it's clear that Ryan is still a kid at heart. One wonders, how does a kid handle that kind of experience, that kind of responsibility? You would think it would have to have some kind of lingering effect. Ryan stated he is able to transition from Iraq to being home like turning off a light switch and that his miracle cure is to push the thoughts out of his mind and onto paper in a 300 page manuscript that he has written about his time in Iraq. Hopefully things are as smooth as he says they are, but if not, it will be compelling to find out what more Ryan has to relate about his time in the military.

For his goal on what he what's to accomplish during his time in Brooklyn, Ryan decided he wants to pursue recording songs that he has written. At Chet's prompting, Ryan sang a song about Iraq, which actually was pretty nice, although the vocals were rough enough to warrant a vocal coach. The lyrics were good in that song, but maybe not so good in some other songs he has written. He should probably consider a good lyricist partner.

Ryan's best trait: the expressiveness in his face. You can tell exactly what he's feeling in a given situation without waiting for a later confessional to explain it.

Ryan's roommate in the "Grand Army" bedroom is Chet, who Ryan sang the Iraq song to while sitting together in a decorative boat. Chet appreciates Ryan and his talents and tells Ryan in typical straight boy banter, "I could sail away with you any day." (Ryan, ditto!!)

There was a little confusion about Chet's orientation at first. There were several unusual things about Chet that made people, including Ryan, think that he was gay, but come to find out he was just Mormon.

Chet himself can't tell who actually is gay. He didn't realize JD Ordonez was gay (maybe because compared to Chet's own flamboyancy, everyone else appears straight as an arrow.) Speaking of appearances, seeing J.D. wearing a deep V-neck shirt made me realize that he and I are getting off on the wrong foot. J.D. is one of the gay men in this country that still hasn't gotten the memo on how retarded it looks. Men do not look good with a plunging neckline and unless you have moobs, there is nothing to reveal with it, not that you would want to.

What J.D. should stick with is a wetsuit like he uses as a dolphin and whale trainer. I get a little wet in my suit when I see a muscular little guy in such a tight fitting body outfit.

J.D. takes a special interest in Katelynn because he realizes that she is transgendered and so he sees them both as being different than the other members of the cast. Actually the commonality is how bad they dress, but that wasn't how J.D. saw it.

Ryan was the first to say aloud that he believed Katelynn was transgendered. I don't think I would have known. I only look for the adam's apple and since she had hers fixed, I think I would be thinking she was always female. Maybe once in a certain light and with a certain facial expression I could see a hint of boyishness. Ryan was looking much harder, looking for Katelynn's genitals, but Chet called him out for it. As mentioned before, Ryan's an inquisitive fellow.

J.D. decided that he wanted to take Katelynn to dinner to get her to come out to him. This displeased Ryan as he was very interested in knowing Katelynn and JD better and he really would have liked to have gone to dinner with them. In telling J.D. that he wasn't happy that the two of them were going by themselves, Ryan at least got J.D. to acknowledge that J.D. is gay. In the dailies, Ryan also asks JD if JD is attracted to him. JD says no, although you don't know if he was just saying that because he thought that would be best. I thought about what I would say if I had been asked such a thing by Ryan. I think I would say, "If you mean, do I want to have your love child, yes, but since I obviously can't, we should both just forget about trying."

Ryan counseled J.D. not to talk to Katelynn about the transgender issue until she was ready, but J.D. felt he knew best. I agree with Ryan that people shouldn't pry into other people's business. Here I quote from Queerty.com's article by Japhy Grant ("Gayest. Real World. Ever."), which expressed very well my own view. "You can tell J.D.'s spent a lot of time in therapy, as he has the lingo down pat and, frankly, in the first episode he comes off as kind of a prick. From the get-go he realizes Katelynn is transgendered (because he you know, has eyes) and decides that what he needs to do is take her out to dinner and make her come out to him. We can see why the Coop no longer dates a guy whose first impulse when he meets someone is to get them to divulge their personal secrets, but whatever."

Janice Dickinson And Mating Pairs

2008-10-02T01:09:00.000-04:00

In season four, episode six of The Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency, it was all about prospective model couples. It was an examination of which pairs might have a future and which ones are as unlikely a match as would be Gov. Palin and Mensa.

Paul Vandervort and Traci Moslenko: Paul likes Traci a lot, more so after their close contact at the Ed Hardy shoot, and he finally told her so. Traci, on the other hand, sees Paul like a little boy (literally) with a school crush on teacher. She likes him, but she seemed to be a little creeped out about his affection, especially when he kept pecking at her cheek. Paul thinks Traci is hot, saying that when Traci gave him a lap dance it was like he was still at Hooters (because her in his lap was like being served another heaping mound of boneless wings?)

Chandler Maness and Traci Moslenko: In this episode, Chandler referred to Traci as a s!ut and a hooker. Janice saw him do this with her hidden cameras and confronted him on it. She told him he shouldn't speak that way because he could be President. In summary, Chandler and Traci's future together at best would be her giving him a Lewinsky outside the Oval Office.

Crystal Trueheart and J.P. Calderon: J.P counseled Crystal when she felt bad after being criticized by a client. Besides the fact that J.P. is gay, he is not boyfriend material. With his constant comforting and advice. he's too much like Maria von Trapp's mother superior, and who needs someone in their life who is likely to prostitute you out to a retired naval captain with seven kids?

Crystal Trueheart and Chandler Maness: When given an opportunity to pick a man to practice doing some nasty dancing on, Crystal picked Chandler. She doesn't have any special attraction to him, but she wanted to send a clear signal to Sorin Mihalache, who has feelings for Crystal, that she and Sorin are never going to be a couple. You can't blame a girl for not wanting to go back with Sorin to his Hostel village in Romania.

Xian Mikol and Danny Nunez: In the same dance situation as above, Xian chose to shake her booty on Danny. Xian and Danny both have well rounded booty, but it looks good on him, not on her. Xian doesn't have feelings for Danny, but she didn't appreciate her showmance partner Chandler's close attention to Crystal's gyrations, so she decided to get back at him by picking one of his rivals in the model house. Danny clearly did not mind being used in this way.

Danny Nunez and Chandler Maness: Danny believes that Chandler is a "douchebag". Fittingly, their relationship chances are as sour as vinegar.

Chandler Maness and Sorin Mihalache: In this case opposites do not attract. Chandler is the intelligent college man and Sorin is the rube who just fell off the Transylvanian turnip truck. For Chandler, this imbalance could have been okay. Loving to show off and to push people's buttons, Chandler would relish running rational rings around Sorin, but Sorin's limitations with English give Sorin a blissfully ignorant defense against Chandler's verbal volleys. Chandler realizes his talents are wasted on Sorin and that he needs to find someone more resourceful to spar with.

Sorin Mihalache and Crystal Trueheart: Crystal wears haute couture; Sorin wears a cut-off "security" shirt. I can't think of anything else that says it more clearly.

Chandler Maness and Xian Mikol: This is the perfect match. Xian and Chandler appreciate each other's ability to be snide and cold as ice. They are the next Bill and Hillary.

Janice Dickinson and Merlin Castell: Did Fez have a fashion designing cousin? If Fez did, even he would have been to embarrassed to have talked about this one. Between Merlin and Janice, they share the same view on what is the most important need in the world: preserving size zero models. That's a plus, but the deal breaker is that Merlin likes to crack a whip, and there's only room for one dominatrix in a relationship with Janice.

Janice Dickinson And Watching Grass Grow

2008-09-25T00:55:00.007-04:00

In season four, episode five of The Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency, it became unquestionably clear how dull the show has become and how different this season is from previous ones in its lack of any enticement for tuning in each week. Gone are the risque images of homoerotic bare man booty. Nearly gone is Janice's shredding of the models' dignity and view of their self-worth. The result is that all goodness and no butt shots makes Janice a very dull girl.

In past seasons, there was the constant bickering between Janice and her ex-business partner Peter Hamm that would inject drama and friction into every episode. Now the show has to bring back Brian Kehoe repeatedly in a series of brief and mildly sad debasements of its former supporting star supplicating to Janice for forgiveness and Janice coldly denying clemency. The second time this occurred in this episode, Kehoe stood outside the model house, staring at the door, just waiting for something to happen. How like the experience of viewers this season.

We used to be able witness Janice ripping into the models and telling them how bad she thinks they are. Now we see her being all sweetness and light, as she was when she counseled Paul Vandervort about his concerns with being too short and not being selected by clients. The old Janice would have told Paul to get taller or get out. Now Mama Janice hugs and says everything is going to be okay. Miss Dickinson has become Mrs. Rodgers.

On the show's storylines, I haven't gone along with others' views that everything on this show is made-up but it's getting harder to resist that conclusion. When Kehoe showed up at the TINte Cosmetics shoot, you could easily imagine hearing a director tell Xian Mikol to experiment speaking her line in different ways. To herself, she said: "Why is he here? WHY is he HERE?" To Crystal Trueheart, "Why is he HERE?" To Kehoe, "Why are YOU here?" Hey Xian, one more time, with feeling.

A second contrived event was Nathan Romano from Ed Hardy showing up out of the blue at the model house with his photographer Steven Barston. No appointment, not believable. It appears to have been done to create a gag of Sorin Mihalache shutting the door in their face and making them wait while Janice runs through the house telling her models to clean up. Too cliche.

As I stated last season, I like Nathan Romano, and it is nice to see that he agreed with my comments on how good Payton Brady wore his company's underwear. Unfortunately, the photoshoot this episode lacked the spark and excitement of the Miami runway show. The wearing of two layers of underwear by the models during the photoshoot aptly reflected the tone of everything: safe and bland and suitable for families. Even having Traci Moslenko topless was mitigated by having Payton Brady immediately call his girlfriend to confess and state how pure the event actually was. More interesting would have been to see Payton visit a chiropractor to have his back looked at every having well-rounded Traci jump into his arms.

Strangely, the history quiz led by Janice's daughter Savannah ended up being the best part of the episode. It wasn't very entertaining, but it did allow viewers who learned something from it not to feel like they had completely wasted an hour of their life.

On the other hand, it looks like the show's producers believe their viewers must be somewhat slow witted. They have Martin Ritchie, as the quiet observer, give a inside summary of who on the show is flirting with whom, just in case the viewers couldn't quite comprehend what they had just seen where the models explicitly stated who they were interested in. With that kind of analysis, is there anything left for me to do?

Janice Dickinson And The B Word

2008-09-18T19:53:00.001-04:00

In season four, episode four of The Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency, it was all about the B words, plural, and surprisingly none of them apply to Janice.

At the beginning of the episode J.P. Calderon lectured Brian Kehoe about his bad behavior after Kehoe had been kicked out of the model house by Janice. Referring to the way he spoke to Kehoe, J.P. said "I just lost it," although if the subject hadn't been booze and blow you might compare J.P.'s demeanor to Mr. Rodgers teaching a child about sharing or respecting other people's feelings.

J.P. as teacher, father confessor, and saint-in-residence can be a nice character, as it is good to have positive gay figures, but having both him and puppy dog sweet Martin Ritchie as the models that are gay on the show doesn't leave room for having a bed-hopping man-whore model who ends up getting with every guy in the agency. That would be a nice character to watch on the show also. At least the beatified J.P left the door open a crack by telling Kehoe he wanted to be his "[f'ing] friend".

Question: does anyone else think that Janice's watching her spy tv monitors with her hair stylist Duke is just a little too much like the Witch of the East and her chief flying monkey watching Dorothy and her friends through the crystal ball? ("Poppies will put them to sleep. Sleeep.") Unsettling.

At some point Janice stumbled out of her room dressed like a ballerina, lauded her previous experience with ballet, and then told her assembled and quickly horrified male models to put on tights. The guys were unhappy to put on the see-through garment plus dance belt, except of course for the ever agreeable Danny Nunez, who will do whatever the job requires. He mentioned that he is used to being naked a lot on the show. He knows he can't help being an anatomically correct Cuban Ken doll whose pants everyone wants to unsnap as soon as they take him out of the package.

Comment: The recently introduced blurring of the butt shots is treating the audience as if they were children. JDMA is an adult show for adults that want to see some glimpses of uncovered dude tang. The more gratuitious the better. We should be allowed to see an unexpurgated version somewhere, if not the tv then on the web.

After the boys were suitably attired. Janice showed them to Jonette Swider, a ballet teacher, who would be giving them instruction on the fine points of ballet, which is to say how to show off your manhood while simultaneously losing it. She had them stretching and squatting and leaping with their legs split and pointing their toes in strange positions. The scene was brief but long enough to notice that Payton Brady's backfield in motion is quite a sight and to notice with Paul Vandervort that tights come in child size.

At the end of the exercise Jonette selected J.P. as the best participant and Payton as the worst. Given their particular personalities and views of ballet, both were happy with their ranking.

Janice told Danny, Payton, and J.P. to move into the house immediately to help Danny and Payton to book jobs and for J.P. to act as a role model for the younger associates. They were all happy to get the order, but Danny and Payton quickly found out this silver lining had a dark cloud with it, namely having to be around more with nasty, ugly Gabe (Janice's make-up "artist").

To have a little fun, former football players Danny and Payton tossed a few rolls of toilet paper back and forth in lieu of a real ball. Bitch queen Gabe acted as if this was any of his business and while spread out on a sofa with his wanky teeth and flabby belly exposed started criticizing the waste of the rolls and connected it to an implication that Danny's parents were unfit. Now I don't know Gabe's background, but he has always appeared to me like the worst kind of repulsive, smelly trailer trash, so maybe his family couldn't always afford toilet paper and seeing rolls wasted brought back an unpleasant memory to him. Nevertheless, he should keep his mouth shut around his superiors and not make clear what a loathsome creature he is.

Danny and Payton tried to be polite about it, but Gabe's hate filled invectives were bad enough that Payton had to eventually reply in kind . Janice overhead only Payton's comment and asked him to leave, not realizing that Gabe had been the one responsible for the turmoil. Once Janice found out that Gabe had called Payton a redneck, she gave Gabe a good slapdown, which caused Gabe to storm out of the house. Let's just hope he moves back to skankville and stays there permanently.

Buddies Danny and Payton moved their stuff in and went looking for sleeping quarters. Payton had said he loved the thought of being in a big house in a big bed. (Cue the Southern, laid back version of "Wouldn't it Be Loverly?") Chandler thought there was a pair of bunks in his room where Janice asked who was the top and who was the bottom, even though it is clear that they are both tops (as well as Janice who said "me too.") It was not meant to be though as they found the bunks were spoken for so they turned an alcove in the living room into their private VIP clothing-optional gentlemen's club. I want on that guest list.

Janice Dickinson And Role Playing

2008-09-11T22:45:00.012-04:00

In season four, episode three of The Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency, it was all about Janice and the models presenting themselves as they wanted to be seen on camera. Sometimes it was for the better, sometimes it was just bizarre.

The episode began with Janice apparently trying to portray a typical hausfrau, which is as believable as Marie Antoinette pretending to be a shepherdess. She was seen mopping the floor for a few seconds, just long enough to establish her bona fides in front of the camera that she knows how to clean house. She quickly grew tired of it and the mop went back into the hands of her all-purpose Igor, Sorin Mihalache. She then stormed through the house finding things to clean and garbage to throw out, loading Sorin with garbage bags the way the Grinch loaded down his down Max. Janice tried to make a bed but gave up in frustration, claiming her bitch nails wouldn't let her tuck the bedding in. Returning to her true role as queen of the realm, she got the female models to do it while letting them know she considered them pigs. Now that's the real Janice we know and love.

As strange as seeing Janice as a maid was, it was more shocking to see her getting up from bed in the morning and walking around the house in her robe, toothbrush in her mouth, checking on things, without makeup and without hair styling. In summary: visual unpleasantness. I had always assumed Gabe slept at her feet like the lap dog that he is and was ready to do her face as soon as she stirred. Otherwise, what's the point of keeping that obnoxious chihuahua?

Turning to the other wacky star of the show, Brian Kehoe has been pulling out all the stops. In the previous episode, Kehoe spoke privately with Janice and gave a sob story that he had no place to go and that he had slept in his car the previous night. Like in a bad horror movie where you know where such things are going to lead to, Janice let down her guard and allowed the seemingly normal young man to stay at the house.

The start of the unraveling was Kehoe bathing naked in the pool with soap. Okay, strange. It then progressed to loud, irrational confrontations with the other models at all hours of the night. Of course, the pseudo-psychosis was obviously for show. Kehoe did a convincing job of pretending to be a frat boy with paranoid personality disorder on angel dust, but it was clear that it was a put on for the camera. Kehoe is too nice for it to be real and if it doesn't seem real, it is not interesting to watch.

However, for the other models, such a display was still noisy and disruptive so it indeed pissed people off. Even deaf Martin Ritchie said Kehoe was loud. Of course, Martin as always was so sweet and adorable when he said that.

The beginning of the end was at a house party where Kehoe told Crystal Truehart that she should do blow in order to lose weight. Janice heard this and tossed Kehoe out of the house. Though it's beyond unreal, the Kehoe as a nutcase storyline will unfortunately continue like Michael Myers popping up over and over. Maybe it would be best if Janice would bring in a cosmetic skull doctor who could give Kehoe a quick extreme makeover with electroconvulsive therapy and be done with it.

The big client of the episode was Kentucky Denim Jeans, which did a photo shoot with some selected models at the Santa Anita racetrack. The boy models put out for stud were Chandler Maness, Martin Ritchie, Brian Kehoe, Dominic Figlio, and Christian Prelle.

First up was Chandler and Christian on a tractor combine thingy. I think Chandler's best feature so far is his hair. It's versatile. It looked great slicked down for the sophisticated, old world Nicolita look and also great messed up for a rugged farm hand pose. Martin climbed on the apparatus appearing with Dominic. Oh, be still my heart. Martin was totally believable as some sort of red state plow boy. A manly man. I will say at this point that his hair style and especially the color are really working for him. It doesn't look as good in his photos of the past when he didn't have the blonding.

Janice showed up with her super sized Dollar General derby hat. You know, when something looks incredibly cheap I don't think you really want to go large with it. It only needed a hanging price tag to complete the Minnie Pearl goes to the races look.

Janice found out from owner Liat Tala that Martin did a good job. Martin was happy that he was able to show everyone that he could do good as a model. Martin had talked through his interpreter about feeling left out when others are speaking audibly and he can't hear them. He said they forget to write things down in order to include him. I know what he's talking about. I have the same feeling when the janitorial staff at work is speaking in tongues, leaving me wondering what they are saying about me.

Can't forget to mention Paul Vandervort. At dinner one nightm, out of all the models. Janice called Paul over to take away her dishes, although she couldn't remember what his name was. It was then that I realized why Paul looks familiar. At every function I've been to, there is always a cater/waiter that looks a lot like Paul. Put him in a white jacket and he's perfect for the part.

Janice Dickinson And Faux Drama

2008-09-04T17:52:00.013-04:00

In season four, episode two of The Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency, it was all about the instigation of faux drama with forced friction between new models and returning models. It's a predictable ploy used on the series and it's probably played out by now. Long-time viewers know that by the end of the season, or at least by the start of the next one, everybody will be model buddies and one big happy PTSD family, so it's not worth investing interest in these little tiffs.

The gimmick of this season is the use of group living for the cast in a "model house", ala Big Brother, Real World, etc. Janice herself plays housemother, which makes the house sort of a cross between the Playboy mansion and a minimum security psych ward. Ostensibly, the purpose of the house was to give Janice Dickinson the opportunity to spend more time with her models, shaping them and keeping them focused. In reality, the concept was used to give the writers inherently more potential story lines to put together. The models, realizing that the house was where the stories and camera time were going to be based, all really wanted to stay within its limited confines. As terrible as it would be to have Janice on their back 24/7, they definitely wanted to be part of Madam Janice's little fame-whore house.

At the end of the first episode, the returning models were incensed to learn that only new models had been picked to live in the house. Only J.P. Calderon, the impossibly benevolent, good-hearted conscience of the agency, said he he was happy for the new models getting to live there. He indicated that he was blissfully ignorant of the anger of the returning models. Question: why are the gay characters on basic cable and network tv usually saints? When can we have gay super s|uts whoring with every drunken straight football player turned model?

It was understandable that the new models would need the most attention, so although I can understand that living in the house could be considered a bonus, it really was intended to be like remedial summer school and as such, anybody not forced to live in the house should have felt good that Janice considered them not needing the extra attention.

Janice pointed out that those not living in the house are still in her agency. She let them how much she still cared for them by saying, "I love each and every one of you. Shut the f*** up and trust me." She's so sweet. Lord love her.

The puke in the group that doesn't deserve any loving is Christian Prelle, who mocked Martin Ritchie's speaking ability. This was a new low for Prelle, lower than the repulsive behavior he showed last season before the PETA rally. Thankfully, Prelle got deservedly slapped by Janice.

To get all the models together, Janice threw a party. Everyone seemed to have a good time despite seeing Sorin Mihalache's mustache and sad little hat. At the party Janice announced that she had picked Maurice Townsell to move into the house. She explained that she hoped his manliness would rub off on the "effeminate" models. She went on to say that she meant it literally, describing some sort of weird, male model marking of territory where "he's going to rub his manly, manly, manly, all over the place." Not in, just over, sadly.

Strangely, Janice then wanted all of the models to cross-dress to show that they could portray different characters. This seem to defeat her purpose for bringing in Maurice as his female persona was unnervingly on target, looking like a $20 street prostitute. Martin, it should be noted, looked terribly sweet as a coquettish, naughty Texas housewife.

Getting down to work, the first casting was for Nicolita Swimwear. The company needed one of the girl models to be the face of Nicolita for the season and the finalists for the part who were selected to do a test shoot were Traci Moslenko, Polina Tretiakova, and CC Fontana. Chandler Maness was also selected, to be the man prop.

The shoot employed a very classy, classic look that I love, like Italy in the fifties. Traci Moslenko's face and hair looked real good, but the featured photo made her look like she had a beer gut. Polina Tretiakova's style just didn't fit the genre. CC clearly had the best photo of the women. Very sexy. Chandler Maness had the best look overall, looking fantastic in a Ivy League look. His one problem was his arm tattoo. It needs to go or have some body makeup on it.

CC had shown up late to the shoot because of her period. When Janice found out about it, she was very angry. Hearing it was because of menstruation, Janice asked CC, "Do you not know every 28 days that you have a blood bath downstairs?" Hearing this word picture of CC and her monthly flash flood disaster was a bit much, but probably better than seeing Janice hurl tampons at CC, shouting, "Plug it up! Plug it up!"

During the shoot, Janice met Anna Babbitt, Traci's manager for acting. Anna explained that she was representing Traci for TV and film. Janice asked, "What kind of film, porn?" Anna replied, "Well, she's going to be in features... soon." (As every other woman in LA is eventually promised.) Regardless, it's an great inspiration for having fun at work. I've started to bring a friend of mine to every business meeting, explaining that he's my agent for TV and feature films. It's a break from my usual intermittent but frantic waving away invisible bugs.

The second casting of the episode was for Kentucky Denim Jeans. Liat Tala, the owner, was looking for some male models (who isn't?) with a few females for background. The men had to try on jeans, which gave us a good number of crotch shots. Sweet! Christian Prelle, Martin Ritchie, Brian Kehoe, Dominic Figlio and Chandler Maness were selected. It will be hot to watch the photo shoot in the next episode.

Janice Dickinson In The Big Mother House

2008-08-28T21:20:00.005-04:00

In season four, episode one of The Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency, it was all about the usual addition of new models and this season, for the first time, the usage of a common abode for Janice and her models. At the start of a new season Janice needs to replenish her stock and that has been a customary part of the show. The use of a single living environment is a significant change to the dynamics of the show (although it is a common element in reality TV) and it will be interesting to see how it affects the drama.

To start things off, Janice Dickinson gave an introduction for the season, bringing her viewers up to date on her partnership dissolution with Peter Hamm. She explained that the separation required a division of the assets and that she was able to keep most of her favorite models. Her list of them by name was J.P. Calderon, Crystal Truehart, Brian Kehoe, Traci Moslenko, Dominic Figlio, Christian Prelle, Payton Brady, Danny Nunez, CC Fontana, and "several others". I don't know how the several other models felt by this pronouncement (especially Michael Anderson who was shown as she spoke the words), but if I were listed in "others", I'm not sure I would consider myself actually to be one of her "favorites".

What can we learn from her enumerated list? One thing is that 7 of the 9 are men, which buttresses my previous statement that predominantly the male models should be shown on the television show, with maybe a few video clips of the women tagged on to the show's web site. However, if Janice were to expand her yet-to-be shown plus-size division by adding a drag queen subdivision, that could be worth watching on TV also. It would be a hoot just to see them all come to every casting dressed and made up to look like Janice.

Janice also asked the question, "And what would the agency be without the ever-loving Sorin [Mihalache] on security duty?" Hmmm, let me think about that. More dignified, more respectable, less bizarre? Is one of those the right answer?

The selection of the new models was done at a VIP (pre-selected) casting call at Siren Studios in LA. Janice Dickinson bounced into the room exuberantly happy to see the prospects. She modestly tried to cut the thunderous applause that the applicants gave at the sight of the legendary world's first supermodel. The camera didn't show if anyone swooned at the experience but I would imagine at least a few people would have had to when received into her presence. Needless to say, Janice looked stunning with her perfect figure and timeless beauty. Her taut boobies stayed perfectly in place.

Janice stated, "All I need is one thing: that capital I-T, that solid it thing that no one else can see but me." Here I have to disagree with Janice. When I'm out hunting down that solid it thing on a Saturday night, I want it to be visible from across the street, preferably hidden by nothing more than a pair of lycra bike shorts.

Sentimentally, my favorite Janice line was "Boys, boys, boys, I need you to do one thing: take your shirts off!" I will leave for another time the story of when I used that same line on a pair of Mormon missionaries.

Here are the models she selected:

Chandler Maness was concerned about how well he would do considering the competition in the room. He had nothing to worry about although he almost escaped Janice's eye. He shows a lot of personality for the camera in his expression.
Martin Ritchie is a model who is deaf and looks so cute and sweet. Janice gave him a big hug, which I think a lot of viewers are going to want to do also. His interpreter Jerry Ferris is modelicious himself.
Paul Vandervort is a diminutive model who has the face and teeth to do okay, but the chest in the side view is looking like a B cup and I just don't find that flattering on a man. When building definition in the pectorals you have to know when to stop, although I realize the temptation to keep going past the limit of where it looks good. It's especially not good on a smaller frame. It makes the proportions out of whack.
Gavyn Michaels to me looks reminiscent of Paul Rudd.

At some point Janice Dickinson got it in her head that to enhance her oversight of her models she needed to open a "model house" where her best models would live with her and she would keep a close eye on how they prepared themselves to be top-notch model material.

She arranged to rent a suitably sized house and was excited with most of it until she saw her master bedroom. She decided it had to be remodeled before it could be considered habitable. Her choice of decorator was Christopher Ciccone. I have to say this for the sake of completeness: "Madonna's brother", but really anyone who is watching JDMA should already know that. Janice told him that she basically had no money to pay him, so then it's not clear if the lack of money or Chris' (or at least his assistants') lack of taste is what led to the result: a cherry red, Dutch whore house design. I hope Janice was just being polite when she compared the bedroom to the virgin white remainder of the house: "This is more me than the rest of the house." Okay.

In a closet enclosure in her bedroom, it was revealed that it contained a big display monitor connected to many security cameras throughout the house. It sounded too much like a mixture of JDMA with Big Brother and I hope this is not jumping the shark.

To fill the house Janice first "summoned" what she called her "pre-existing" models, as in "pre-existing disease". That didn't sound so good for what might lie ahead. The returning models brought their suitcases and given the circumstances thought they would be living there for the duration of the season's taping. Only the highly astute Kehoe realized that there were too few beds in the house for all of the returning models to use, much like Rose noticed about the number of lifeboats in Titanic. Again, not boding well.

Janice personally brought her bevy of newbies to the house and displayed them to the returning models. She then unveiled the surprise that only fifteen out of the combined total of new and returning models would actually be chosen to live in the house. The returning models felt confident about being selected and so had no problem partying near if not exactly with the new models at the house until the final selection was made. J.P. Calderon arrived late and after being loved by all the returning models he saw the separation between new and old and went out of his way to introduce himself to the new ones. Kehoe was Keyhole to the new models, playing his specified role in this production.

The client in this episode was Nicolita Sainz, a Cuban swimwear designer, who needed one female to be the new face for the company and one male model to be her admirer. You would think Danny Nunez, of Cuban descent, would be a shoo-in, but he still appears too shy and uncertain of himself when auditioning. Instead the male position went to Chandler Maness, who was noted for his expressive eyes.

In the end, Janice Dickinson ended up only choosing nine people to live in the house and they were all new models. Everybody else she threw out. The returning models were understandably angry about the decision, but if they know anything about Janice they should know that her methodology includes making models angry at their competitors so they will try harder to beat them. She does it like prepping pit bulls before a dog fight, but for these doe-eyed models it's really like rubbing a puppy's nose in their own dookie - it has no idea what's going on.

Janice Dickinson And Chandler Maness

2008-08-27T02:28:00.008-04:00

In season four of The Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency, one of the new models that Janice brings in off of the street in her elusive search for the ultimate superstar model is actor-model Chandler Maness. What's notable about him from my perspective is that he appears to be someone that I can report really wants to be a working actor and I don't have to roll my eyes as I type that.

My first view of Chandler Maness was him in a video clip giving a tour of Janice Dickinson's "model house". The house is where some of the season 4 models lived with Janice during the show's taping and it is the big gimmick for the season. I was indifferent about the house, but what I found more interesting was the way that Chandler appeared on camera. He has the face and demeanor that you can tell can play various characters with subtlety and believability. It's a presence that was more than just a model or even an ordinary person walking around pointing out furniture.

Even though Chandler Maness' primary career choice is acting, he still has what it takes to be a model. In episode one of season four of The Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency, Chandler became the first male model of the season to book a job, beating out some of the models from the previous season. As long as you have the right look, I'm sure it's easier to be an actor doing modeling than a model doing some acting, because as an actor one should be more able to evoke the feeling the photographer wants to be portrayed. On the other hand, not being a full time model Chandler probably doesn't work out as much as he would need to, so I wouldn't expect to see him book the hot male underwear and swimwear jobs. His swimsuit pictures on Oxygen.com clearly aren't as favorable as those for the other male models.

Background: Chandler Maness was born in the Netherlands into an American military family. Accordingly, he then moved around a lot. After graduating from high school in Washington, D.C., Chandler attended College of Charleston in South Carolina with a double major in both drama and history with a minor in classics. Early in 2008, he moved to Los Angeles to pursue a career as an actor in independent films.

My perception so far is that Chandler Maness is someone that is smart and analytical. He's reasonably optimistic about his future, trusting himself to push forward in the direction he wants to go and to navigate successfully the unplanned opportunities that may present themselves. I think he is someone who will accept what others can do for him, but when necessary will work to create his own situations that give him opportunity to succeed. He knows he is not perfect but realizes that the attributes he has are pretty good. He sees no reason to be pretentious or not honest since being himself will be of more value in the end.

Of course this is just a first impression. As the season goes on I may find I have created a load of crap. Thank goodness for the edit function.