My 20's

Living with always being in fight or flight mode... In an Afghan family

2021-03-26T17:47:00.000-07:00

Living with anxiety can range from many reasons and mine so happens to stem from generational trauma. Imagine, or maybe whoever is reading this might be living this life. Or maybe it's just me and literally no one is going through what i'm dealing with, but I would like to believe that i'm not the only one.

This all started when my parents immigrated to America in the 80's and with that they brought their "traditions" with them. These traditions consisted of arranged marriages. Listening to your parents wishes and marrying a man or women that you have never met. Maybe in passing but you tell me would you marry a man you might have seen? No. It's like a blind date but that date ends up being the rest of your life. Marrying a man that you have barely know and leave your family to start a new one with a complete stranger.

So, another cultural norm/ restriction is that many married couples do not get a divorce, and if they do it's a sort of taboo. Many family just stick it out, deal with this arrangement and start having kids. And once you have kids you're "locked in" for life. Now just imagine this type of a life... you can't right? Because who in their right mind would do this but surprise, surprise, A LOT of people are forced into it. And it might not seem normal but oh it is completely normal in my family. Less than 5 % of my family members married for love. The vast majority was arranged into a marriage, either with a family friend or a relative (I know gross, but again it's the norm).

What does this all mean?

Well i'm now 23 years old, almost 24 and living with constant fear. My days fluctuate and nothing is ever really the same. Do you know the feeling of walking on rocks? Or walking on the side of a cliff all the time? Yeah, well thats where my brain is at 99.9% of the time. And the only time I might have the slightest bit of peace would be either when I take a mood relaxer or i'm asleep. Sleep is also never a guarantee because I live in constant fear. If you're wondering what that even means then i'm glad that you have never had to experience anxiety. Today we live in society where everyone claims to have anxiety and whether or not that may be true I still feel as though nobody really understands what I go through on a day to day basis. My therapist said that I have to be in tune with my body and check in how it feels while i'm anxious, but honestly I rather not feel anything. Whether that might be pain or not. I fixate on how my parents are feeling, how they are talking to one another, and really if they are in a good mood then i'll be in a good mood. Majority of the time my mood revolves around how they are acting towards one another and as dumb as that might sound thats my life at the moment.

I honestly don't know if any one is ever going to read this and maybe i'm using it more as a coping mechanism but if someone does read this and by the slightest chance of understanding what i'm going through then I know i'm not alone.

I'm not entirely sure if that made sense, but I just hope that i'm not alone.

Living your 20's in a Global Pandemic

2021-03-23T22:08:00.000-07:00

Where do I even begin?

Do I start in 2019 or in the present moment where vaccines are finally rolling out. I'll start when it first begun in 2019. The time where I was sitting in my Constitutional law class watching a video of Chinese people posting videos on the dark web so they can some how warn the people of how bad the virus had become. But unfortunately we don't live in a world where free speech in universal and for that reason many Americans were unaware of this rapid virus that was roaming around. I myself did not believe that it could get this bad. I am guilty of believing that it was not serious and we would all be going on with our lives in a few months. Wrong. In the California we went into lockdown mid March with only essential stores open, i.e. grocery stores, pharmacies, and banks. At that point I was 22 going onto 23 with one mindset, graduate, pandemic or not I needed to pass all of my classes. The catch was that now it was 100% online, which made my social anxiety slowly diminish because of presentations. I'm getting a bit off track here but my point was that everyones life took a huge turn. No one really knew how long it would last and now one year later it has become normal.

March 2020, I was consumed by my fully loaded semester and quite frankly I wasn't paying attention to what was going on at home. Everyone was home, from my family to the neighbors, the streets were empty and life was getting stressful. I will say a lot of family walks, whipped coffee, and Tik Tok has taken over many lives.

June 2020, in the midst of summer I was diagnosed with a rare infection that created a mass on my spine. Lucky right? In the middle of a pandemic I didn't get Covid but I got some rare infection that most doctors believed was cancer. Yes, you heard that right, cancer. At that point I was wishing I got Covid instead. I was wondering "why me". Yet everyone, I mean everyone was telling me how lucky I am or how strong I must be to be going through this. I didn't feel strong nor lucky I felt defeated. Laying down in a hospital bed all alone watch Spongebob and crying about where my life has led me. What did I do my entire life? I barely turned 23 and here I was sitting and contemplating why me. And although a lot of therapy later I have realized that this was more of an awakening. Not to take life for granted but to enjoy the life that has been given to you. Instead of questioning why I was stuck in bed for days I turned it into a positive by realizing that the rest of the world is in lockdown and no one is doing anything 'exciting' or 'life changing'.

December 2020, shocking right? The year is finally over and what are we still dealing with? A deadly virus that unfortunately has finally reached my family and I. Crazy right? In March everyone believed it would definitely be done by now. There is some word of a vaccine but the process is taking much longer than people would like. The number of cases were rising and spiking after every holiday yet people were sick of quarantining and started to travel. I was afraid of this virus to begin with but after witnessing what my parents have gone through during their two weeks of suffering I realized that it is much more deadlier than I thought. I tested positive in January along side with my parents but I was A-symptomatic and did not show any symptoms. (again luckily...)

March 2021: One year later. Double the masks and new variants of the virus. What can I say? Staying home is the norm now. There are MANY people that are still traveling, throwing parties, and simply over the quarantine. Luckily (again) I always had an issue with going on so my social anxiety is at its all time low because I have a better reason for not leaving my house... were in a pandemic. Before it was so frowned upon that I was in my twenties and I didn't go out clubbing or getting blacked out wasted. It was depressing because I wasn't mentally capable to leave the house before but now im just following the rules,, right? I mean sure it is feeding into my social anxiety but once this pandemic is over then I'll deal with that.

Also side note... Dating during a pandemic is a waste of your time. I mean you literally start off with trust issues. Where has this guy been? Is he carrying the virus? Does he have Covid and he just doesnt know it? I mean online dating can go suck it because the new trend is to meet your future hubby at Trader Joes or Target. I don't make the rules im just stating the facts.

Until next time!

Dating in your twenties

2018-03-04T21:43:00.000-08:00

Tinder, bumble, match, the LIST goes ON!

What do we do now a days, many of us have been confined of anxiety, and social issues that prevent us from coming forward and talking to others in person. I am merely just turning 21 and I have not gone out of my way in person to meet people or to even have such a dating life. What does this all mean? That the 21st century is screwed unless you make a dating app and see if you hit it off through a profile picture and nothing more. What's next? Being cat-fished is the inevitable in our days because nobody looks like their dating app, for it is simple an APP. Not a real life person you have met.
But where does our problem originate from? Narrowing it down to the high use of technology in our day to day life or that technology has simplified our lives specifically in the dating realm
of things.

But is this really the future of dating? YES it is
BUT does it work? NO, for a handful maybe yes but for the majority women they believe that there is their soulmate waiting for them but as for the men they believe that this app will get the a couple of dates that have a happy ending.

Where does this put us as regular women who are filled with anxiety that just wants their McDreamy to approach them and ask for their hand in marriage.
Because we all dream it not everyone is going to be Meghan Markle and end up with their prince Harry.
Only we dream...