twenty five to Life

Resolutions and Money

2013-02-04T10:44:00.000-07:00

In my previous Happiness Project I dedicated a month to money, worked out a rough budget and collected all my receipts for a couple months. I found money month to be one of the most eye-opening. I had a better idea of where I was spending my money and I kind of left it at that.

So, enough time has passed and my money focus has changed a bit and I thought it was time to try it again. I recently used Mint to create a budget for myself and I think it’s fabulous. It's a program that takes your banking information, allows you to categorize your purchases and then uses the information to help you create a budget.

For example, I eat total garbage for lunch. So I categorized all of the receipts for lunches under fast food. In my head I had a number of what I thought I spent on lunches, turns out I was spending more. Going out for dinner I categorized as restaurants. I only went out a few times with Flash, but dinner for two costs a lot more than lunch for one and I was shocked at how much I had spent on meals. I also bought groceries in addition to that. I should be the size of a house given how much I spend on food.

The program also allows you to budget for future expenses, such as travel or car maintenance, allotting a certain amount of money each month towards something you need six months down the road. In theory I could do this all in a spreadsheet, but to track my spending properly I would need every receipt for every purchase. A lot of times I forget to ask for a receipt for small purchases, or I’ll do a great job of collecting them but by the end of the month I don’t feel like going through them all and adding them up. The other thing is Mint makes note of all charges on your accounts, your credit card, etc. I’ve never factored account fees into my budget before. With Mint it’s immediate, I make a purchase, Mint categorizes it (I can modify the category if needed) and it automatically starts filling up the budget. If I spend with cash, I can go in and add a transaction manually.

Instead of spending all month and then adding my receipts up at the end of the month to see if I went over, I can go on my phone app during the month to see how much of my clothing budget I’ve already spent to prevent myself from overspending. It’s this great visual chart and I think it’s going to help me a lot.

The other thing I found interesting is how something like a budget can be a catalyst for new resolutions. As I budgeted for my current and future expenses I found I needed to cut back on certain areas if I wanted to save what I needed to. You have to take a long hard look at your lifestyle. I get bored of salads and sandwiches and like a hot lunch so I often resort to buying fast food. In the past I tried making my lunch with the goal of eating better and got bored of it. Now I know that I have about half as much money to spend on lunches as before, so I need to make a lunch at least 50% of the time or I’ll run out of money. To me that is far more motivating.

Life is a Battlefield

2012-02-29T16:19:00.002-07:00

There’s this constant battle going on in my head between wanting to do everything in my power to be a better version of myself by actively trying to be, and the other part that thinks I would be happier if I could just be happy with what is.

Being obsessed with self-improvement can be exhausting. Nothing is ever good enough if you believe everything can be made better. You end up feeling like you’re not good enough. So then you think it would be nice to just stop; to just be.

I think Nicole, from more is better, and I are having some parallel life experiences. She recently wrote a post about her obsession lately with self-improvement and how too much of it can wear you out and make you feel like you’re not good enough at anything.

I believe that lots of small steps toward a goal is the most effective way to make changes over time, but I hate baby steps. I want immediate changes! I love a dramatic before and after. The satisfaction of an immediate accomplishment – want. This way of thinking leads me to never able to take the first couple steps because I’m always ten steps ahead. If you never take the first couple steps then nothing gets done.

I also want to change lots of things. The idea of just spending a few months focusing on changing one thing feels like an ineffective use of time, but really, when I try too many things I just end up getting nothing done. Accomplishing one thing would be better than nothing, but I can't seem to allow myself to do that. These mental wars I’m having with myself are exhausting. Not only is it a battle on how to accomplish things I want to do, but it’s also a battle between doing these things or not doing them at all and just chilling out.

I feel like there’s a fine line between being happy and grateful for what you have, and settling. If I could be more content with what is, then maybe the idea of focusing on just one thing might not seem so bad.

The trick is that you’re supposed to believe that when you start being happy and grateful for what you have, more good stuff just flows into your life. How does ambition and hard work factor into everything? In my head, these two worlds do not know how to coexist.

Time Waster

2012-02-28T16:52:00.003-07:00

One of my great frustrations of the year so far has been my inability to sit down and figure out what I want. My rollercoaster moods and related inconsistent burst of motivation and the utter and complete lack thereof have made any sort of progress impossible. I constantly battle with feeling that spending that much time and energy thinking about myself is selfish, and feeling like I really need to focus on myself. This feeling is exaggerated when someone in your life is causing you unhappiness or frustration and you funnel a ton of time and energy into resolving that issue or helping someone resolve it.

I have a hard time dissociating myself from things like that, especially when it gets to a point where the situation is making you miserable and you feel like you have to separate yourself from people connected to the problem, but at the same time you know you’d be happier if you and the other person could resolve the problem together.

I go through phases where I daydream about living alone; being able to come home and the TV not be turned on and having to fill my evenings and weekends with activities that move me toward goals I want to accomplish. In my head I imagine that anyone who lives alone and doesn’t spend hours in front of the TV/computer must be productive and happy. You wouldn’t succumb to mindless channel surfing and fall asleep after an evening of doing nothing. On a day where you came home from work exhausted you might take a hot bath and go to bed early, maybe curl up with a book or chat with a friend on the phone. That sounds pretty great.

What would I do if I didn’t watch any TV? I would probably spend more time outside the house. I imagine I’d be a better, more involved friend since I’d be actively making plans with people. I could see going to the gym or an extra-long walk with my dog being more attractive alternatives to sitting home alone in my silent house. But I guess it would get lonely after a while.

Nonetheless, I think a more serious approach to removing things that keep me from being productive is a good start. I think TV is a big one. My roommate and my roommate/boyfriend are big TV watchers and I often find myself sitting watching shows that I don’t really care about. This is dumb because I don’t even care to watch most of the shows they watch. It’s also frustrating because my boyfriend is a bit TV obsessed and I feel like a lot of the time we spend together is watching TV. He always says that we spend all our time together, but I feel like we rarely do anything other than sit in front of the television.

Another thing I keep coming back to is mornings. I’m so exhausted in the morning I’m always hitting snooze. Waking up early and spending more time getting ready, eating breakfast, walking my dog in the morning or whatever it is morning people do, I think would make me happier. Do I spend my evenings being super productive instead of watching TV and go to bed really early so I can get up earlier?

I get up and rush to work, I come home from work feeling tired. I laze around all evening, go to sleep, get up and do it again. My weekends are more of the same, but in place of work I sleep half the morning, add some laundry and a thorough bathroom cleaning. I feel like life is just passing by. I need to stop wasting time.

You Better Run, Better Run

2012-02-21T19:37:00.001-07:00

I threw around the idea of running a marathon a while ago when making my first round of goals and quickly dismissed it because it’s not something you attempt if you’re not serious about it.

I recently finished reading Born to Run by Christopher McDougall, a departure from the novels I usually read. It was a mix of a true story, with several tangent stories of side characters and their relationship to running. Some were ultra-marathoners themselves, researcher or trainers.

I’d always thought of a marathon as an accomplishment goal, but I’d never thought of running a marathon in terms of running. Why we run, what it takes, what you learn about yourself when you get your body to a point where it can run 30 miles. Ultra marathoners run crazy long distances. The book discusses several 50 mile and even 100 mile races. 100 miles, that’s almost 4 back to back marathons.

Cardio and I are not friends. So to get to a point where I can run for 30 minutes or an hour already seems daunting. There was a line in the book that said, “If you don’t have answers to your problems after a four-hour run, you ain’t getting them.” The idea of self-discovery at the end of a long run is intriguing.

I’ve been thinking a lot about running. I’ve even gone down to the little gym in my apartment building and ran a few times. I also bought some toe shoes, also known as Vibram five fingers, and I love them. They are seriously so fun; they make me want to run just so I can wear them.

I downloaded some marathon training schedules. There’s a schedule for the half marathon I found that is for three months of preparation. At the end of February will be exactly three months until the big annual marathon(s) in my city. I figure, train for the half, if you do well with it run the half, if not, do the 10K.

Waaa Everything is Hard

2012-01-19T16:51:00.003-07:00

I want a life guru. Someone who knows what they are talking about who can guide me through my life.

Yes, young grasshopper, do this and you will succeed.

Like, if someone said that if you followed 10 steps they outlined you would be a millionaire, and it was a straight up guarantee, you would do it. You would. You would do it because you believed in the process.

Sometimes it’s just nice to have someone to help you. Someone who knows what they are doing.

Self-improvement can be a lonely journey. It’s a lot easier to wallow in a lazy, unmotivated funk if the only person it’s affecting is you. If Sally Sue is picking you up for the gym in an hour then you best get up and put your freakin’ shoes on.

So I think to myself, ask for help. Asking for help can be a tricky thing. First of all, you need someone capable of helping you. Helping you move furniture is one thing, helping you structure goals and keep you accountable is a whole other type of person. I’d need someone who is somewhat organized or skilled at planning. Someone who is not afraid of keeping me accountable.

Even when Melissa and I did projects at the same time, the way we went about our goals was completely different. My way was a structured checklist, hers was a more general be more conscious and I’m bound to improve sort of way. Any sense of friendly competition or staying on par with each other didn’t exist.

Why can’t I find goals that excite me anymore? I should be able to do this by myself.

Accomplishment Goals

2012-01-04T16:54:00.000-07:00

I have been staring at blank pieces of paper for several days now. I feel completely disenchanted with making new resolutions. Flash and I took a 5 hour round trip on Sunday to pick up our dog who was being watched by my aunt and during the drive down we created a huge plan for him and his goals. We made him a budget, set fitness goals, and more. On the drive back I tried to think of what I wanted my goals to be and I drew a blank, a blank that has yet to fill up.

I've spent the last 15 months trying a lot of different things. Yes, I've struggled to find an effective system for setting up goals, but it seems to be more than that. I can't seem to find anything I want to do. Nothing excites me.

I just feel tired. A lot of the resolutions I want to be successful at are lifestyle changes. The kind of resolutions that you need to do day in and day out, like eating healthier, drinking more water, taking vitamins, flossing, etc., but I know (from a quiz I did in an Oprah magazine) that I am motivated by accomplishment. I need the satisfaction of completing something, crossing shit off my list. These lifestyle changes are every day from now until forever type things and I have a hard time keeping my motivation.

I don’t want to just scrap these types of changes; I know they need to be done. I had an appointment with my trainer yesterday, and even thought I’d been feeling super tired and sluggish I decided to go anyway in the hopes it would kick start my workout motivation. We were going super intense for about 15 minutes and I had to stop because I was going to vomit. She was nice about it, said we’d reschedule and told me to drink more water and make sure to have a snack before the workout, blah blah. Case in point is that I don’t take care of myself. I probably don’t eat enough; I know I don’t drink enough water. I focused on exercise and I made progress on that, but I’m not really taking good care of myself in a well-rounded way.

Flash’s goals include diet and exercise and I know he needs help to do them so by default I am doing them as well. I want to do them and not doing them alone should help. I’ll need to find a way to structure them for him to be successful, and hopefully by association I’ll be successful.

These goals are big should goals. I want to start figuring out what I really want to do for myself. To draw a complete blank when trying to make goals for myself is a red flag. I want more ‘accomplishment goals’. At the end of 2012 it would be something I can say I started and finished. I climbed a mountain is an accomplishment goal.

I need to find a way to turn every day no accomplishment goals into accomplishment goals AND find real accomplishment goals that are awesome.

Resolution Time Again... and Again

2011-12-19T17:06:00.000-07:00

One of my favorite bloggers from Nicole is Better, did a big post on how she’s going to organize her upcoming goals for the next year. I thought her system has lots of solid points.

Basically she breaks it down like this:

Choose a one word resolution to be a driving force for all your goals.

Choose several ‘life buckets’ (overall categories). She chose 9.
Example: Romance, Exercise, Friendship, Work

Choose three big goals for each ‘life bucket’ that you would like to accomplish by the end of the year.
(Key point here being end of year, not the start)

At the start of each month choose one small action step toward each of your big goals for each bucket.
Example: So maybe one of your goals is to have consistent date nights. So your action step for the first month might be something as simple as researching possible date night activities. That’s all you have to do for that goal for that month.

I’m going to give this system a try. I’ve always struggled with creating a system for following through on goals. What I’m not going to do is pick as many ‘life buckets’ as she did. When I did something different for every month of my happiness project before, I found I got overwhelmed with the sheer number of resolutions I needed to keep up with. Granted this is different, but I still think I need to choose a manageable amount of goals.

Another difference is that I would be working on my goals somewhat simultaneously. It wouldn’t be daily like before, but I’d being doing something toward all my goals each month instead of focusing on one topic each month.

The challenge now is that I feel very disconnected from my goal planning. I’ve been very distracted by my efforts to help Flash with his goals. I must admit I don’t know how anyone who is has a group of people dependent on them gets anything done for themselves. Other people are so distracting and it’s hard to separate yourself from their problems.

So, I’m sitting thinking I’ll start re-planning, making goals, finding better ways to be successful and I’m staring at the page. I came up with a dozen monthly categories and dozens of sub categories in an afternoon for my last go around and now I’m struggling to pick three. It’s not that I don’t have things I want to be different, I do, but I did tackle most of my problems in some way shape or form last time and they weren’t always successful. The ideas aren’t fresh, but the approach is structured differently.

Still, I feel uninspired. I haven’t sat down and thought about what I want for a while now.

Keep On Keeping ON

2011-12-09T13:38:00.001-07:00

I have now had two sessions with my trainer and I think it's great. These were my two "free" sessions for signing up for a year membership. I wish I had done them earlier.

Now, I'm not going to say that the cost of a training sessions isn't worth it, but I will say it's expensive-ish. My research has found that in my area (downtown) an hour with a trainer runs at about $80. If you were wanting to meet with a trainer once a week, you're looking at around $320.00 a month, plus tax. Now, there are lots of people who can afford that, and a lot who can't.

There's a deal on training at my gym right now for reduced prices. You can buy as many sessions as you want but you have to purchase them by the end of December. You can then use them as you please throughout the following year. I'm debating buying some because it's a good deal.

I would recommend a trainer to absolutely anyone wanting to get in shape or get out of a fitness rut. I already feel a hundred times more comfortable at my gym. There's this confidence I've gotten from having a trainer tell you what to do, how many and how much weight. I hate the idea of wasting time, and with a trainer I know I'm being super effective with my hour. I also have little circuits of moves I can repeat on my own with confidence. We're using areas of the gym I never attempted to use for fear of being in the way or looking stupid.

Happiness level = higher.

Maybe it's okay that my training sessions came later. I'm coming to the end of my fitness focused quarter and I feeled a renewed sense of motivation to continue to make this a real part of my life.

Push Harder

2011-12-01T13:55:00.001-07:00

As a perk for signing up for a membership you get two consultations with a trainer. For a long time I thought maybe they were really backed up at my gym because no one contacted me about my consultation. A girl I know recently became a member of my gym and after talking with her realized that she had her consultation within a week of buying her membership. Well, wtf gym. So I popped my head in the office and asked if my paperwork got misplaced. I was getting charged for my membership so it couldn't have been that lost.

Anywho, Courtney called me to set up a consultation. I became extremely nervous at the thought of doing a training session. I've seen others happen around my in the three months I've had my membership, and some people are a bit pathetic. There's a lot of I cant's and people pleading not to do certain exercises and what not. So when I finally got the courage up to do the appointment I told myself I would not falter, I would do whatever was asked of me.

I don't like to run. I'm more into weights and resistance then cardio. As a warm up for the workout she had me run at a 6.0 for five minutes. Shit. This is the first thing, and I will not punk out. So I did it. I thought my heart was going to explode but I did it. We then went through several exercises back to back to back. I was doing well until I got to burpees. I hate burpees. I had to do 15 and I got about half way and wanted to die. I also couldn't do 20 push ups on my toes and after 10 had to go onto my knees. We also did this absolutely awful exercise where you stand on a resistance band, cross it and pull the handles up to your waste and then side shuffle 40 feet to the left and then 40 feet back to the right. Not only does it take forever because the band forces you to take tiny steps, but the muscles on the sides of our thighs and glutes are on fire. I asked her that we please not repeat that part.

All in all it was good. It was challenging. I got new ideas for moved I could be doing and I used more of the gym than normal. Most of all I think it was eye opening for intensity. I left that workout thinking that I need to push myself harder. I also felt reaffirmed in the belief that Flash needs a trainer to push him. I don't think I could've made myself work at that intensity without someone telling me to do it and seeing it for myself.

I have my second consult with her next Tuesday. She said the first one is to gage what you can do, strengths and weaknesses and all that. So she's probably going to make me run and do burpees. Sad face.

Another One Bites the Dust

2011-11-12T10:21:00.001-07:00

I have been sick all week. This infuriates me for several reasons.

1. I hate being sick.

2. Until this week I had gone nine months without taking a sick day at work. Taking a sick day is inconvenient to everyone else because we are understaffed at work.

3. Technically this results in my losing the competition to Flash.

When we were making the rules for the contest Flash started hinting that he wasn't feeling that great and might need to take some days off from working out right from the get go. Turns out he wasn't sick, but that didn't stop me from shutting down the idea that sick days were valid. I rarely get sick, so the idea that I would get sick during this one month competition seemed highly unlikely. I would've let Flash take a couple sick days, I just didn't want him thinking that was a loophole he could call in whenever he didn't feel like working out.

So technically I've lost. Flash has told me I can keep going if I add the days I missed onto the end of the month. As far as the 'prize' goes, my birthday is in a couple weeks, so I'm getting a present then anyway. Needless to say my motivation has dwindled. I'll still finish, but I'm annoyed that one of my own rules caused me to lose. I'm going to do it because I said I would, but any competitive fire has definitely been snuffed out.

Healthy Competition

2011-10-31T13:52:00.001-06:00

I must admit I am pleasantly surprised at what a motivator a little competition is. From a scheduling perspective, I am thinking a lot more about when and how I will fit a workout into my day. I simply have to do it. None of this see how I'm feeling crap. I woke up this morning with a killer headache that had carried over from the night before. My first thought was, "Shit, today is a workout day I can't be sick." I decided in the beginning of the competition that being sick was not an excuse to miss workout days. In the real world, it is, but for the sake of our one month competition I decided to leave no room for excuses and loop holes.

Tomorrow I am getting a massage after work, so in my head I'm trying to figure out what I should do. Do I take a rest day tomorrow and workout Friday? Do I do a workout dvd at home after my massage? Do I get up and workout in the morning? Without the competition I wouldn't even consider factoring a workout into my day tomorrow.

I had thought I'd lost a lot of my competitive spirit, but I feel a strange sense of motivation to complete this. I think going through a goal like this with someone has been helpful. In the beginning of my Happiness Project when Melissa had decided to do it as well I felt excited. As time went on we did different 'month's' themes at different times, and were rarely, if ever, working toward common goals.

It's really the accountability that I needed. I've created a win win situation for myself with this gym competition. I use a little reverse psychology on Flash, pretending to be excited at the prospect of him missing two days in a row, or failing, but I only do that because it makes him mad and motivates him to prove me wrong. Really, I want him to go, I want him to complete the challenge. The only real benefit to me is not having to buy him a prize if he does fail. It's like reverse nagging, instead of constantly reminding him to do something I'm instead getting amped at the idea of him not doing it. Go ahead and lie on the couch tonight, because then I will be the winner.

Gym Phobia

2011-10-27T13:38:00.002-06:00

In my efforts to become a 'fitness' person I have been going to my gym for 3 months now. It has been taking me forever to get organized enough to move beyond the cardio and leg machines. At first it was my own ignorance about what I should be doing, but now I'm starting to realize that I have a gym phobia. The fear of looking like an idiot.

I am not a big fan of putting myself in situations where I might embarrass myself. If I had to learn to water ski, I'd like to do it on an empty lake. I've never let myself by hypnotized because I was worried I'd do and say mortifying-ly embarrassing things. I had my mother make my appointments for me up until I was in my 20s because I didn't know 'how' to. I hate practical jokes, or the kind of teasing meant to make someone feel small and stupid. Other than the fact that the girl signing me up for my gym membership was flustered and rushing through everything, it was my fear of looking stupid that stopped me from signing up for the deal on sessions with a trainer.

I've debated going to a different type of fitness class, like a dance oriented or kick boxing class but everytime I start to seriously consider it, I start worrying about the fact that I don't know what to expect, and what if I can't keep up (because kick boxing is hard) or if I look stupid trying to follow the choreography of the dance class.

I had a workout plan for yesterday of upper body work. Lifting some weights on the ball and some use of the cable machine. The area for that was crowded and I found myself nervous, the balance balls were in the other room and there was a boot camp class going on in there. I could do it on one of the reclining benches, but I'd have to carry one to an open spot and adjust it and I didn't know how. And then people would be looking at me like who's this retard taking up space, she doesn't know what she's doing. Eek. So I got on the treadmill and did some tricep and back work on the machines. I chickened out.

Another unexpected thing that's happened at my gym is running into people I know. I have, to date, run into two different people. One is my roommate's best friend's boyfriend, and the other is a guy I worked with at my last job. If I'm going to look like a retard I'd at least like to do it anonymously.

Competition Week 1

2011-10-25T13:58:00.000-06:00

Week one has been a success. I took my rest days on Friday and Sunday.
Doing this contest has created an interesting mental shift. I refuse to lose. Saturday was a challenge. I'm not used to working out on the weekends, I had plans to go out that evening and as I was about to run out and do my Saturday errands of Wal-Mart and grocery shopping I realized that I needed to make time to work out. Normally, I would've told myself to see how I felt after grocery shopping and then just not done it. But not this time. I didn't work out Friday, I had to work out Saturday, or I would lose.

I will NOT LOSE! So I went into my room and did a workout dvd that focused on the lower body, squats and lunges, and put a big fat check mark on the calendar.

My rule, of not taking more than one day off in a row is great. It makes this competition way harder than just working out 5 days a week. Taking the weekend off isn't an option, you have to be super consistent. If you want to take a rest day you really need to strategize if it's the best day to take it. Do I have anything in the even that will make it difficult to work out tomorrow. If so, maybe I better work out today and take a rest day tomorrow.

I am getting frustrated with the size of my gym. There just isn't enough open space. If I want to set up a mat or do work on a ball there's very little space to do it, and what space there is available is always occupied. I bought a year membership, so I have to make it work. Because my gym is only a half block from my work, it just doesn't make sense to me to push my workouts later. Going home and then coming back later kind of defeats the purpose of having a gym so close to my work.

I keep thinking about mornings. It's just something I can't seem to figure out for myself. It makes sense. I think it's the best long term solution for finding time to work out. It's so hard for me. I love sleep, and mornings are so dark and cold, so very cold. I could see it being doable on the days where it fit with Flash's schedule and he could drive me, but if I'm serious about it I'd have to be committed to getting up and going on my own in the dark freezing mornings.
Ahh I can't commit to that yet!

It's On Like Donkey Kong

2011-10-18T14:04:00.002-06:00

Flash and I have been struggling with motivation, so we were trying to figure out a solution. Flash suggested we have a contest. His idea was to go to the gym 5 days a week for a month staight. The winner would get a prize.

Kirby: So if you complete it, you get a prize, and if I do it as well, I get a prize. What's the point of buying each other prizes then.

Flash: What?

Kirby: Well, if I buy you a prize for however much money, and then you buy me a prize for the same amount of money that's dumb. I should just buy myself a present. But that wouldn't work for me because waiting a month to buy myself something I want is dumb. I'll just go buy it tomorrow.

Flash: Uh, well what would be a better prize then?

Kirby: *Shrug.

So I thought about it, and thought about it, and realized Flash sucks at follow through. The chances of him going an entire month of working out 5 days a week without fail were slim to none.

Before I had been thinking that it was do able and that we would probably both win, like a tie, but on second thought I realized my chances of coming out of this with a straight up win.

Kirby: So I've given your contest some more thought.

Flash: And?

Kirby: We need some ground rules. 1. You can not take two days off in a row. 2. We need to track our workouts on the whiteboard calendar where we can both see it.

Flash: What if I get sick and don't work out for two days.

Kirby: Then you lose. Period.

Flash: Lots of people at work are sick, what if I get sick? That's not fair.

Kirby: Suck it. This contest is serious. If you're going to get sick it better be a 24 hour cold because you only get one day off at a time.

Flash: Whatever.

Kirby: If you get sick due to your pathetic immune system and take two days off in a row you lose. You are a loser and must live with the shame of your failure. BUT, you have the option to start your 4 weeks over, beginning with the next day you work out. If, from that point on, if you can complete 4 consecutive weeks of 5 workout days a week, you will win a prize of slightly lesser value.

Flash: Lame.

Kirby: Um, no, I think you mean awesome. It's called a second chance. The goal is to do the 4 weeks and form good habits and get in shape. If it takes two tries to do so that's okay, the goal is to do it, but you want to do it on the first try, because the spoils are the sweetest the first time around.

Flash: Okay.

Kirby: Please note that I have agreed to this contest on the grounds that I believe quite strongly that you will fail.

Flash: Are you trash talking me?

Kirby: Most certainly. You've already started trying to find loopholes with your talk of illness. You don't got the stuff.

Flash: That's not very nice.

Kirby: You know what else isn't very nice. Losing.

Lockdown

2011-10-12T21:33:00.001-06:00

I had started writing a poor me post about how hard it is to stay motivated, but then I remembered that I didn't want to complain on the blog all the time so I thought suck it up bitch. So I went out and bought the new Oxygen magazine. Yay!

I always thought I was a planner, but I'm not sure I am. Not like I thought I was anyway.

There's really a huge organizational component to working out and eating well. You have to plan. I would argue that the planning and prep required to be successful at getting in shape and eating right is more of a contributor to people success or failure than anything else. Even if you're putting the time in at the gym if you're not planning workouts you're probably floundering around at the gym, wasting time, resorting to cardio because you don't know what to do. You're probably not getting the results you want.

If you're not planning meals then you'll never have the ingredients needed for a last minute recipe choice, or you're resorting to buying whatever is convenient for lunch or ordering food for dinner when you're too tired after work to figure out what to make.

When it comes to stuff, physical stuff, I'm quite organized. I know where every thing I own currently is in my apartment. I use something and then put it back in it's place. I make cut throat decisions about clothes that I need to let go of every 6 months. I've made the most of every square inch of the bedroom I share with Flash without it feeling messy and cluttered. Me = organzied.

Yet, when it comes to sitting down and organizing workouts and routines it's harder. I thought I would address my lack of know how by taking advantage of the trainer deal that was going on at my gym when I started. It was super busy, I waited 20 minutes to finally talk to someone, and when I did the girl was so flustered that she flew through my application. It just didn't feel right. I almost didn't get the membership at all because my sign up was such a bad start but I'm made my mind up that I was going to so I did. I'm glad I didn't get the trainer now because it's super awkward when someone has a training session. There's not a lot of space in my gym so the workouts are kind of like, spectacles. The person is very on display during their training session.

I still need the know how. I still need a plan. I've said this a hundred times yet I never figure it out. I don't just want to work out, I want the smartest workouts. I want results. Gretchen Rubin did a post about procrastinating and how sometimes she'll put herself on lockdown. Like, she'll literally lock herself in her office until she accomplishes a certain task. Maybe I should put myself on lockdown, somewhere outside my apartment, and I'm not allowed to go home until I do it, ha.

Fix Your Own Shit First

2011-10-04T20:15:00.000-06:00

I went to the gym today for the first time in 10 days. I thought there would be a gym at my hotel in San Francisco but there wasn't. It was a very small downtown hotel. We did a lot of walking, but that's about it. I brought my gym clothes to work yesterday, and didn't go to the gym. It was the first time I've ever done that. I felt burnt out. Getting back into the groove after vacation is an adjustment.

Flash stayed in San Francisco with a friend of his for a few days longer than me, and when he came back he took the time to sit down and write down some goals for himself. Please note, Flash does not makes plans. He lives in the the now, 150%. Organizing and planning for things ahead of time is not how he rolls. Flash is... unhealthy. It's a source of frustration for me. I'm not health nut, but I just can't understand why he always puts in at the bottom of the priority list. So when his list of goals involved really committing to working out and getting in shape I was more than pleasantly surprised. He's currently going to the gym, but I feel like he does it begrudgingly, like he's just putting his time in and not trying very hard.

I'm always trying to help him, being encouraging, making an effort to eat better, planning meals, etc. I chose to re-do fitness again for me, because I thought it was important to boost my energy, that I didn't do as well as I could have before, but a secondary motivation for doing it again was Flash. There were times where I'd be sitting in the apartment and I'd ask Flash if he was going to the gym, or if he appeared to be bored I'm suggest going for a run, or to walk the dog or whatever. As I was asking him I'd always think to myself, "Do I feel like going to the gym right now?" "Would I want to walk the dog right now" A lot of times the answer was no. I heard somewhere that things that bug you about other people are things that you don't like about yourself, or something to that effect. Your lazy hypocrite girlfriend harping on you to go to the gym can't be that motivating, people in glass houses and all that jazz.

My thinking is that if I can change myself, that will be the best way I can hope to help change anybody else. You know, be the change you want to see in the world, right?

San Francisco

2011-10-02T14:37:00.001-06:00

Kicking My Ass

2011-09-22T17:37:00.002-06:00

I did one of my P90X workouts at home on Sunday. Gave myself a little pat on the back for actually doing it. As I got about halfway through I realized, I'm getting stronger. Little by little, but I am. I'm not sprawled out on the floor panting, I am keeping decent pace. I rock. This of course was followed up on Monday with incredibly sore legs. You know you are embracing exercise into your life when your legs are super sore and you think to yourself, Sweet! I know I did something right.

I think most girls have at one point or another felt like they were a bit of a masochist. Whether it was a toxic relationship, a grueling program at school, a relentless demanding job, or any negative yet technically optional situation they find themselves in. Like being pessimistic, or self defeating, making things harder than they have to be on yourself.

Working out is the perfect subsitute for that. Beat yourself up, literally.

I've been trying to use up my massage money before the end of the year. I've always liked an intense deep tissue massage. My regular girl is good, but I recently found another girl at the same place that takes it to a whole other level. On my visits to her I find myself focusing on breathing through the pain and convincing myself to suck it up because I'm being a baby. I even love the pain I feel for the rest of the day because it means something is happening. Things are getting worked out. This pain means things are getting better.

Sand Man

2011-09-16T17:13:00.000-06:00

I’m starting to get into a groove with working out. The past couple weeks have been pretty successful as far as going to the gym and going to yoga class. The days where I had planned to do morning workouts at home have been a big fat fail. If anything I’ve been coming very close to being late for work, so clearly a far cry from getting up early.

I love the feeling of going home after the gym, getting off the train and walking that last block to my house knowing that my workout is done and I can do whatever I feel like from now until I go to bed. I would imagine that getting up and working out before work must feel 100 times better than that. A guy friend of mine that goes to the gym and is a morning person describes morning workouts as something nobody can take away from you, it’s done.

Ah but I still can’t seem to do it. I’ve tried going to bed early, but my roommates are still up and I can hear the TV clear as day throughout our small apartment. So I’ve tried going to bed and reading a book, but I really like the books I’m currently reading so instead of putting me to sleep I keep trying to squeeze in another chapter which results in me staying up later than I planned. Flash is a snorer. It’s a nightmare. I have on occasion slept on the couch to get away from it. It’s not so much loud as it is annoying. Any wheezing whistling sound you can think of, he does it. This also adds to the amount of time it takes me to fall asleep. Usually I just end up getting to the point where I’m so exhausted I can fall asleep despite it. I guess getting enough sleep is the first step.

I have begun to enjoy going to the gym. Going straight there after work has increased my success rate. Flash has been going to the hole-in-the-wall gym in our building to run and he has been going later and later. Usually he goes around 8 or 9 pm because the gym is empty then. I know that wouldn’t work for me. I would hate to be at home thinking over and over about how I still need to go to the gym. All I used to do for the first hour after work was watch Oprah, or whatever else is on TV now that Oprah is done, so I don’t feel like I’m losing that much of my evening. On days where I go to a 5:45 pm or later yoga class I do feel like it eats into my evening. Maybe I’ll start looking into doing yoga on the weekends instead.

My Friend the Gym

2011-09-11T18:30:00.001-06:00

This past week I did pretty good with workouts. Monday was a holiday so I did my core workout during the day. Tuesday and Wednesday I went to the gym after work and Thursday I went to yoga. Friday I failed to get up and do my morning workout and I didn't have the living room to myself on Saturday either. I seem to be the most successful with going to the gym after work. So as much as I want to use my dvds, if I can't motivate myself to get up in the mornings and use them then the chances of me consistently doing them are slim to none. I just don't have enough control over who's home and when to guarantee myself the living room.

So I'm going to keep on with the gym and put more emphasis on trying to plan out workouts. I like my gym. So far I mostly use the machines. I like weights a lot more than I like cardio. The thing I haven't done much of at the gym is non machine workouts. There is a small area where you can lie on a mat and do whatever, but it's super small. There's another area in the back of the gym that is bigger where you can also do these things, but sometimes there's a bootcamp class in there. The gym is quite small so space can be an issue at times.

Time to get out my fitness stuff and plan some workouts.

A Workout Schedule

2011-09-05T17:40:00.000-06:00

I meant to post on September 1, as it was the one year anniversary of my happiness project, but I didn't feel much like celebrating. This long weekend has been lazy. I've spent most of it sitting in bed reading.

I sat down and went through some of my fitness stuff. The P90X dvds I have outline workouts to do each week.

1. Core Synergistics - (mornings at home)

2. Cardio (gym)

3. Shoulders & Arms, Ab Ripper (gym)

4. Yoga (class)

5. Legs & Back, Ab Ripper (mornings at home)

6. Kenpo (at home)

7. Rest

If I start with Core Synergistics on Monday, then I only need to get up two mornings a week. The Kenpo dvd is also done at home but day 6 is Saturday so it doesn't necessarily have to be done at 6am. Yoga falls on Thursdays and I will use my pre-paid classes that need to be done before they expire.

Today, being Monday, I attempted to do my Core Synergistics. I finally had to kick Flash out of the house when I saw an opportunity to have an hour alone to do it. I got about a third of the way through and remembered how hard the dvds are. I'd always been athletic, good at sports, stronger than I looked. I sat there watching the rest of the dvd playing out realizing how out of shape I am. This draggy tired feeling follows me everywhere. I want to work out to have more energy, but it takes energy to work out. It's a constant battle to motivate myself.

Shifting Gears

2011-08-31T12:07:00.002-06:00

The end of the month has arrived. Normally, this would be my lackluster post about how I didn’t do the things I wanted to accomplish this month. My goals are no longer monthly, so this is only month one of three (or four).

What did I do? I got a gym membership. I have gone to my gym several times. I went to two yoga classes. I watched my body for life dvds. I went for a hike in the mountains.

I’ve been thinking a lot about mornings. The past couple days I set my alarm earlier and both times I thought to myself you can get up or not, and both times I stayed in bed. So, that’s crap. I’d really like to incorporate some of my workout dvds into the mix, but the only time the living room is empty is in the morning. So I Googled up how to become a morning person and found an article on AskMen. The four points it gives are:

1. Prepare yourself the night before

- I have not been doing a solid evening prep. Lunch for the next day, picking a work outfit, choosing what workout I’ll do, etc. Making lunch is the last thing I want to do after cleaning up the kitchen from supper.

- Getting all these things ready the night before is a type of mental preparation for the morning. I simply need to do it.

2. Give yourself something to look forward to

- I had one summer job where I was on the bus every day at 7:05 am because I could switch to a direct bus a few stops later, but if the first bust I caught was a later one I would miss the direct bus. Option one would get me to work about 15 minutes early and I would buy breakfast at the cafeteria (you used your employee card to pay and the charges were deducted off your paycheck) eggs over easy, cubed potatoes and bacon. I love breakfast and knowing that I wouldn’t have time for it made me get to the bus stop on time for the earlier bus.

- I have also debated taking up drinking coffee since it seems to be a big morning motivator for people.

3. Schedule your sleep time

- I think I get enough sleep, but I don’t think I sleep well. I often take a long time to fall asleep. I need a strict bedtime. I’m never going to drag my ass out of bed if I’m exhausted.

4. Get outside

- Uh, I don’t know about this one. He says morning air is special, and I believe him, but he’s probably sitting at a desk in LA typing this and well, it gets painfully cold here. I just don’t think a blast of icy dead of winter air is going to be more tempting than curled up in my bed. At best I think I could aim for getting out of the house by an early morning trip to the gym (if Flash drives me) or getting up and going out for breakfast.

I need to up the intensity. I’ve more or less given myself permission to only focus on getting in shape and boosting my energy but I really don’t spend a significant portion of my day working on or reinforcing my goals. So I'm going to see if I can handle my life revolving around my new goals.

Nothing is Happening

2011-08-29T15:29:00.000-06:00

I’m currently working my way through the Game of Thrones series. I can’t put the books down. I was thinking about the time it takes to read a good book. If you really like the book you find time in all sorts of places. On your lunch break, staying up a late before bed to squeeze in one more chapter, getting a few pages in on the train or reading while in the passenger's seat of the car.

Time keeps moving by but it feels like nothing is ever happening. I keep working these useless jobs. In fact, all my jobs have been useless. I’ve had several office jobs, administrative mostly, where I sit at a desk and never have enough to do. It’s frustrating and weird. Especially since other people around me seem fairly busy.

The feeling follows me home, this lazy unproductive feeling.

Then I think about school and how my entire life was school, and how stressful it was to dedicate all of your energy to working on and thinking about and stressing about it and I feel a tightness in my chest, an anxiety. My last year of school was incredibly miserable and I don’t want to feel like that again.

It was miserable because it wasn’t right for me. I’ve rebelled against it into this weird limbo that I’ve been in for what feels like an eternity. I live a very low stress existence, except for the constant nagging feeling that I’m not moving toward the things I want. So I get up to move and stand still because I don’t know what I want. So I stay in the same place, time moves, and nothing happens.

I remember watching the Pursuit of Happiness in the theater and thinking to myself that his level of dedication to doing everything he had on his plate was unbelievable; to dig that deep day in and day out without a break. It seemed superhuman.

Then I think that it must take that kind of dedication, that kind of commitment and motivation to make things happen. Like stealing away every spare fifteen minutes to read a great book you must always be working tirelessly toward your goals. This makes me even more anxious. Like some sort of mad race is happening and I can’t seem to get my shoes on and everyone is getting farther and farther down the track, and then people start to lap you and you think about how long ago they started running and how far behind you are and that you’ll have to run so hard and fast to catch up.

Fall Is In The Air

2011-08-26T14:45:00.000-06:00

There's a chill in the air. I feel it in the morings, and the days are growing shorter. This summer was meh. The weather was nothing special, lackluster even. We really only had a couple nice weeks, lots of rain and lots of overcast days.

I love walking into the convenience store and seeing the September issue of all your favorite magazines lining the shelves. InStyle, Harpers Bazaar, Vogue and the latest Oxygen magazine of course cause fitness not fashion is my project's focus.

One of the downsides to working in an office all day every day is that they are always cold. In winter they are never warm enough and in summer the airconditioning makes them just as cold. I rarely wore shirts and dresses this summer because once it finally stopped raining all the time and got nice out, it was still freezing in the office.

So I can't help but be excited about fall because it means warm clothes. I think I'm getting better at buying clothes for myself, I know certain styles don't do much for me, I've gone through enough seasons to know what wardrobe staples I need. I think the old tank top with a cardigan over it is becoming my go to outfit far too often.

J Crew Fall 2011 - Tweed Jacket & Cable Knit Sweater

H&M Zara

Keep Fit and Have Fun

2011-08-22T16:49:00.002-06:00

I am a weakling. In my attempts at getting in shape I haven’t been pushing myself very hard; a little cardio, a little leg work, a hike, walking the dog, a couple trips to yoga. All pretty low intensity. So why I am so sore is beyond me. I went to a yoga class on Friday, a faster paced one to upbeat music. The class wasn’t advanced, but my hamstrings have been sore for three days now.

I interpret this to mean that I am so weak and out of shape even the most low intensity workouts are challenging my muscles. How sad. I have a long way to go.

The other day I was feeling like I need to start making changes and I was going over and over in my head what I might be able to do and coming to dead ends and getting frustrated when I came to the realization that this is not the time for that. Right now I am giving myself permission to focus only on health and fitness. I will worry about future jobs, career changes, school, keeping up with the Joneses and the like once I have completed this phase.