Twinkling Along

A Crisp New January

2012-01-03T15:08:00.001-05:00

We are back home. We survived the stomach flu, a manic whirl of trip prep and holiday madness, and the long drive to Michigan and visits with both sides of the family. And here we are, stepping crisply into the new year. Ah! Feels so very, very good.

There's something very cathartic to me about traveling far away for Christmas and then driving back across the country together, bundled up in winter gear, munching leftover cookies, jotting down resolutions and humming on towards a whole new, fresh year together as a family. I love that drive. We talk and think over what our families are like and how we admire them and how we want to out-do them and we talk about our previous year and what went well and what we're primed to tackle next. And I always love it when we get to the part where we plan our travel schedule and make mouth-watering schedules for where and when we'll be adventuring in the coming year. This year we're hoping to see Hawaii, D.C. and New Hampshire as well as maple sugaring in the far north and a family reunion in the ancestral vineyard where we were married. Very apropos for the celebration of our 10th year of marriage together. We have genuine history!

Am feeling full of inspiration, and energy and hope today. My list is long and my spirits are high. I feel like there are good days ahead...I think 2012 is a good one.

Here are the things I'm dreaming of accomplishing in the coming year:

Resolutions 2012

1. Call my parents weekly
2. Help my boys write letters monthly
3. Dream journal
4. Work on the boy's baby books monthly
5. Go on a private "couple's retreat" together
6. Take an interior designs class
7. Take a trip to visit a friend
8. Read three books on genetics
9. Join an art society and hang a piece in an art show
10. Call grandma monthly
11. Plant shrubs on our property
12. Hang pictures in our house (extended family, kids and wedding especially)
13. Find three interior design books that I love and learn from
14. Switch to a local pediatrician and find a family doctor for A and I
15. Put together and follow a car maintenance schedule
16. Organize our basement storage
17. Paint more rooms!
18. Register to vote
19. Join our Neighborhood Association
20. Start an easy food night (pizza, take out, frozen dinner, leftovers etc.)
21. Hire a cleaning service for the first month after Baby Four arrives.
22. Read two great books on blogging
23. Teach the boys to: brush their teeth in the morning, comb their hair consistently and wash their hands before meals
24. Teach Ru to read and Dee to write his own name
25. Potty train Nib
26. Read three new plays
27. Carve out two consistent work times in the day for me-time (one for work and one for personal)
28. Sell three or more paintings
29. Make a new friend
30. Start taking the boys out for special Mommy and Me outings
31. Start an interior design notebook with a section for each room of our house

I might have time later to read through the resolutions from last year and compare and contrast a bit but for now, I'm forging ahead...sometimes blissfully unaware is okay. I'm

Poetry Friday: A Hand-me-down Poem

2011-12-16T17:25:00.001-05:00

Happy Poetry Friday all! I was out shopping today, not Christmas shopping, although I have been doing that too lately of course. I was routine clothes shopping...for Nib. I thought naively that third time around I'd basically never have to buy anything kid-related. The thing I didn't think about is that even though clothes look fine the third time around they often still won't quite fill the roll. So, here I am with a big bag of new clothing items that need putting away and a poem about the experience to boot! Bonus.

There are certain things you just don't think about.

Hand-me-down Caveats

My third son is walking his toddler years
In his brother's shoes, and jeans and t-shirts
I have carefully stored them in clear plastic boxes
A virtual igloo of plenty teetering in the basement
There are labels with Sharpie size and season notes
And each item has been folded into it's cubic home.
I felt so proud and frugal pulling out his inheritance
Remembering each special romper set and tiny tie.
Now I watch him trying to climb the stairs in a pair of
Well-loved jeans, the ones his brother wore to the zoo.
And they slump to his knees with every step he takes
No amount of sentimental frugality can deny
The new knowledge I have that elastic waistbands,
Run through the dryer a few thousand times will quit
And hang slack: tired of covering a slew of diapers
And being yanked hurriedly on in cold winter mornings.
It is not as simple as making sure the knees are stain-free
And the message on on front not fading and cracked.
The zippers must still slide up and stay there without pins.
There must not be gum hiding in the pockets of jackets
And the elastic must be fresh and snappy, still up to the job
Of tightly hugging a wee chubby waist.

Letting Go On My 31st

2011-12-15T11:51:00.001-05:00

I am not sure exactly what to say about my birthday this year. I love birthdays. I love celebrations and milestones and accomplishment. I love the concept of aging and reject our culture's adoration of the young and the new. I know that true celebrating is done in little ways with simple expressions of love. But, there's no real denying that sometimes life is still hard and sometimes birthdays aren't as warm as you hope they will be.

We're planning a homebirth for this fourth baby, as we have for all three of our children and have successfully experienced twice. Losing our much-loved midwife and our insurance policy changing to specifically exclude homebirths have meant some serious re-shuffling to orient ourselves to some vague new plan. We've been interviewing midwives and trying to narrow it down to just the right provider and I had just finally made my first appointment scheduled to happen yesterday, on my birthday when A told me to cancel it because of insurance snaffoos. Am feeling so frustrated so down and so upset. Tara Wagner's recent writing over at her blog, Organic Sister about her 30th birthday is really hitting home. I'm not entering a new decade, I'm just letting go of things. I hate living up-in-the-air and not being sure what will happen. Pregnancy makes me irrationally emotional and desperate for settled, carefully pre-arranged plans. I have so little buffer in my head for waiting or throwing out the plan or not having things figured out....and it's Christmas and it's my birthday and I was doing so well! Argh! I feel so peeved about this whole prenatal-care mess falling right in the middle of my smoothly flowing holiday plans. Darn it! Am trying to figure out how to stop crying and just find a way to let go of what I had planned and expected and hoped and wanted and accept whatever mysterious thing actually is instead. So. Dang. Hard.

Less is More, It Just Is.

2011-12-13T15:41:00.000-05:00

Tonight A and I are going out for the night, just the two of us, our last date night alone before the zaniness of family travel and other celebratory activities hit us full in the chest. I'm not sure if that's what's doing it or if is intention to focus on what matters in the middle of this holiday season, or even just new thinking about the coming excitement of New Year's Resolutions and the clean slate that is a crispy new January.

Suddenly I'm thinking about all the new toys and sweets and "stuff" we'll be bringing home for our little ones and I'm feeling the unstoppable urge to purge. Time to go wildly through our goods and take boat loads of things to Goodwill! Time to create empty, clean spaces! Time to set things in order in our house so that we return from Michigan to a calming space instead of insanity!

I am remembering that the things children like best are the simple ones....the ones that don't cost much or anything at all. Cookie cutters, shiny pebbles, string, the wrapping paper...you know. Am off to sort the playroom, to vacuum all the corners and to take bags of stuff, stuff, stuff to the trunk of our van for a thrift shop drop-off.

Less is more. It just is.

Holiday Madness Kept Sane

2011-12-12T21:21:00.000-05:00

Still festivizing our way along over here. I am doing quite well with my list of To Do items. Managing to be productive and yet pragmatic. Checking things off the list both because they don't matter after all and because I am accomplishing. Am feeling fairly balanced and clear-minded.

Thank you to our rector and his wife for their wise talk about holiday preparation and the importance of this sort of thinking! I do love stepping into something with the right mindset, even if it is sort of by accident. Last year I was pretty stressed out about the holidays and vowed that I would start shopping in July and take our Christmas card photo in October...etc. I didn't do any of that (not that it is a bad plan) but I still feel okay. I do think that planning ahead is good and that it helps...it also helps to plan to be happy and to have a willing-to-let-go attitude about certain things.

Today we made sugar cookies, I finished addressing most all of the Christmas cards and I started compiling the packing list I'll need to wrap my mind around sometime next week. Anyone have any genius tips for holiday travel as a family? We will be driving 14 hours and then some to Michigan with all the Christmas gifts and what-not....am open to any and all suggestions!

Next on my agenda is beginning the wrapping, gift inventory to be sure I've got everything and a little more elving work with the boys. Buzz, buzz, buzz!!!!

There is no end to the bustle....unless you're a toddler and then you just make spots for bustle-ending and crash as-needed. :)

Poetry Friday: Cookie Season Verse

2011-12-09T12:05:00.001-05:00

Happy Poetry Friday everybody! It's been an age since I celebrated, eh? I have been feeling poem-dry and a little intimidated, plus Friday has a way of casting me deep into "who cares anymore!" mode. Heh heh. Ah the weekend, consumer of my motivation.

I am starting to think about New Years Resolutions and all the they entail, the idea of kicking your own butt back into shape and getting back on all the horses that bucked you recently. So, yeah...I'm back poets and poetry lovers. Poetry Friday must not be ditched. I have to be strong and keep at it. Sometimes I will just write crap. This is life. But keeping on and still writing is the the key to ever turning out good stuff. In the next couple of weeks I hope to compile and number all the poetry I've written this year as a result of this project and if that's not motivation, I don't know what is! Hooray for having output!

I am neck-deep in cookie baking right now, dough and flour from floor to ceiling, I swear it! So, it is time to do some cookie poetry. I bake a lot of cookies during the holidays. It is one of the strange projects I have invented for myself which admittedly creates a lot of work but also gives me a huge amount of satisfaction. A thinks I'm insane. I might be insane but I do bake anyway. :) I bake about 20 different varieties every year and every November I sit down and analyze the list from last year and cross out cookies that were just "meh" instead of amazing and add back anything from previous years that is getting a lot of fond remembering and then I go trolling for new recipes to add. This year I decided to make baklava, something I've made and enjoyed before but never at Christmas.... and then a poem came with it.

Baklava in Advent

I wrote "baklava" down on the cookie list
It sounded strange but delicious to me,
Sandwiched between the gingerbread men
And sugar cookies iced with sprinkles.
I brush butter, sprinkle spiced nuts and
Gently coax the butterfly wing dough
Into softly fluted layers, rich with scent.
I preheat the oven and remember visiting
The sun-baked land of the Christmas Child.
I remember the heavy pressing heat in Galilee,
Arid country shattered and dusty like pastry.
There was a fervent squawking of hawkers
Selling whatnots in the streets of Jerusalem,
Over-laced with honey and spices drifting up
From the tented market stalls below our hotel.
I slide the finished pan into the waves of heat
Squinting to see through the invisible billows.
And upstairs, amid the squawking of my children
I address a Christmas card to my cousin in Israel
And wonder to myself, how much postage
It will require to send our family photo to that
Exotic port, home of honey and warmed spices,
Birth place of my baklava and my God.

Please do realize that I am in no way asserting that Israel is the birthplace of baklava, just that The Middle East is. I am no sort of expert on the origin of foods and this particular one is a source of great contention among peoples of various Cradle of Civilization nations.

Have a poem you want to share, either one you wrote or one you admire that another author created? You can go share too but posting a link in the comments of today's host for Poetry Friday: Robyn Hood. Happy weekend everyone!

Midwives, Past and Present

2011-12-08T14:14:00.001-05:00

Just trying to psyche myself up to call the midwife we think we've finally picked after a few weeks of interviews and appointment setting. I am so weary from all of it. I really hate interviewing, selecting things and the whole lead-up that comes before actually doing things. I also hate calling people on the phone. Ack! I am however, really looking forward to the part where I actually have a caregiver and we can start on genuine prenatal appointments.

My wonderful previous midwife, Martha....checking Nib out post-delivery.

After every interview we'd load all the kids back in the car and start the drive home, discussing the candidate midwife and what we thought of her and compiling a verbal pro and con list. And I'd sit there thinking in the resulting silence after we'd finished..."Crap. I miss Martha. (my old midwife) " Sometimes change sucks. When it comes right down to it I like the familiar and the comforting, those I already know and the previous good compared with the blank future full of "possibles." I hope Martha is enjoying her sabbatical time away in California, I am sending her a long chain of love over the mountains and the plains, I hope she knows she has been a great inspiration and comfort to me in labor and pregnancy and life. I hope she is getting some good, restful care herself now, the caregivers of the world so often need that kind of love themselves. And here's hoping that the new midwife ends up being just exactly the right person for the job.

Martha, does Nib's newborn exam and narrates for big brothers.

I am 14 weeks now, with just my pinky toes over the 2nd trimester line, not really "showing" in any impressive way and still wearing normal clothes just no longer feeling sick to my stomach. I am really looking forward to feeling the baby move and hearing the little heartbeat.

This is what I look like these days, not much belly to show yet which is just fine with me.

Our homebirth midwife used a fetoscope instead of a Doppler to listen to the heartbeat which meant that it was a much trickier endeavour to pick up the sound of the heart, the fetoscope, not being an electronic, amplified instrument is much more subtle, like a slightly exaggerated stethoscope. This means the heartbeat for the fetoscope served homebirth patient is a little later experience, Martha, my last midwife was a wizard with hers and could hear the heartbeat towards the end of the 1st trimester but I could never pick it out myself until the 2nd and not very solidly until the 3rd.

Dee testing out the fetoscope on his puzzled, kid brother's head. Can you hear brains?

My friend Nutmeg gave us her fetoscope so that we have one for trying out and practicing with at home. I have been giving it a try lately but so far I can't pick up anything but my own breathing and heartbeat. I am no Martha. :) Looking forward to hearing that little galloping sound sometime soon.

A Slow Day For What Ails You

2011-12-06T17:49:00.001-05:00

I planned to be out doing things together today, you know, madly checking things off The Great Holiday To Do List, and instead we woke up to a morning with Nib feeling poorly and Ru is coughing.

So, we read extra books, had a fire in the fireplace, snuggled more and got started on our homemade Christmas gifts. There are always a few more cookies to bake and a few more silly jokes to tell grandma over the phone and it turned out to be drizzly, rainy day anyhow.

Sometimes I think God intervenes and forces a break when we are too busy to realize that it is a good idea ourselves.

Bells, Whistles and Chit-Chat

2011-12-05T13:53:00.001-05:00

Handel's Messiah, original manuscript. Image via Wikipedia,

This morning when we woke up there was a misty fog all over our neighborhood. Even though it is December we are really still having late fall weather. I left Michigan years ago now but I still expect winter once December begins and seeing my lawn for so long and leaving the house in a hoodie seem really out of place, however handy. The leaves are all down now, except for a few stubborn clusters of oak leaves and the shriveled bits of Japanese maple leaves that cling so long. The neighbors are all starting to wrap up the raking and I'm trying to remember to get the gutters cleaned.

The boys and I are doing bits here and there to get ready for Christmas. We've been making paper chains to decorate all our doorways room-to-room in the house, we had a gingerbread house party with friends and we're all stocked up on flour and sugar in preparation for the big mess of cookies we plan to start churning out.

Nib is a small wordy man these days. We went to a Messiah sing-a-long last night and he was a little too vocal to be in the auditorium during the solos so I ducked in and out with him; when the nice loud, grand choruses were being sung we'd appear at the back and then as soon as they ended we'd adjourn to the lobby while A and big brothers stayed in their seats inside. During our many intermissions we had a long word tour together. He walked around the lobby telling me all the words he knows: "Tree." (pointing to the Christmas tree), "Fah-er" (pointing to the irises in a Van Gogh print on the wall), "Wah-er" (indicating the fountain), "Tree." (the potted ficus near the door) etc..etc..etc. Such fun to hear a recitation of his current vocab list and see his earnest insistence about being taken seriously. Watching a human learn to speak is great fun.

Celebration to Celebration!

2011-11-28T17:13:00.001-05:00

This is how Mama gets things done!

Well, I survived being the mom on Thanksgiving. Actually, to be perfectly honest, I so much more than survived that it is a little bit pale to even call it "surviving." The meal was a grand success. The food was fine, nothing I personally cooked was outstanding (although props to A on his tiramisu cake!), just good..but the company was warm, the house was bustling and the vibes were very, very good.

A's beautiful rolls, rising.

Nib in the midst of the glowing scene.

I had several grand moments in the party when an individual clasped my hand between two of theirs and sincerely thanked me for hosting them. It doesn't get a whole lot better than that. I was a very happy girl and I sailed out of the event with sparkly visions of all the parties I want to have in the future. It was a pretty great note to begin Christmas season on.

And so here we are, in Advent...the first candle in our Advent circle is flickering away at mealtimes and we're singing, "O Come, O Come Emmanuel" with great vim and vigor. We cut our Christmas tree last night and hauled in and erected the largest Tenenbaum that could possibly be squeezed into our living room. The whole house smells like that wonderful tangy, warm scent of fresh tree and the corner the tree is bursting out of is encroaching mightily on the nearby doorway.

The boys had the first chocolates from their Advent calendars this morning and all the Christmas/winter books are out of storage and stacked heaping in the holiday basket next to the big reading chair. I foresee many cozy afternoons and evenings in front of the fireplace in our future! Next up, decorating the mantle! I need to get out in the countryside with my clippers and hunt up winterberry branches and evergreen boughs. Maybe tomorrow!

Thankful List

2011-11-21T17:31:00.001-05:00

List day today. We haven't had one of those for a while. A grand tally of: Things I'm Thankful For seems in order, right? Am dwelling firmly in Thanksgiving prep land anyhow, might as well tint my glasses the best possible color, a nice pinky shade of grateful instead of that dark panicky charcoal.

Things I'm Thankful For

Paper towels (green guilt, be gone!)
The smell of spilled coffee grounds on the counter...most pleasantly scented mess clean-up of the day.
Friends who turn a blind eye to my in-house chaos (or at least do a good impression thereof)
The extra refrigerator in the basement
A son, old enough to help me put on a band-aid when I cut my finger in the kitchen
Houseplants who bring the green inside when life gets chill
Cinnamon, dusted into a cup of warm decaf
Green paint under my toddler's chin
Genuinely helpful people
Peaceful morning reality after rotten nightmares about cooking disasters.
The tackiness of fresh rosemary pinched between the fingers
A forgotten clementine in my coat pocket after yoga class.
The inky smelling pages of the first seed catalog of the season
My new oven.
Our newly insulated attic
A spouse who enjoys food just as much as I do
Meditation
Dimples in the grins of naughty little boys
Chapstick
My smallest boy's new word, "yes!"
Midwifery care so gentle and kind that is very hard to replace.
Bubble baths, for boys and mommies.
Neighbors who wave when you're out.
Friends who share their puppy's snuggles.
The end of the first trimester. :) Feeling good again, finally!

Off to an evening yoga class! Be well people, and hang in there. The Holidays are upon us!

Mommy, Heal Thyself

2011-11-17T15:46:00.001-05:00

Sometimes, life is just too much and I'm kind of blowing steam out my ears and afraid someone will talk to me at which point I will either explode or burst into tears...not that anything super horrible is happening. I just need a little time in a safe place sometimes, a little hope and a little healing and some way to create some extra buffer space and margin for myself.

Image by tkw954 via Flickr

Historically, the woods where I grew up was my "safe place" where I went to recover and breathe again. There was a bottomless sort of solid freshness to the feel of a mound of moss under my fingers or the tinkling run of the crick at the bottom of our little valley.

Image via Wikipedia

Once I no longer lived in a woods I had to extemporize. I would escape the pressure of campus relationship dramas, my roomate's eating disorders and the endless industrial pavement of the city and drive my little clunker around in aimless wandering spirals on little country roads north of town and south of town and east of town, wherever the sidewalks ended and the farmstands began. I'd roll the windows down and play loud music and sometimes stop to sit in a roadside ditch just to listen to the crickets sing around me.

Image via Wikipedia

Then once I was married life got a little busier and I couldn't always dash off to drive off my worries but I discovered a greenhouse in town not far from where I worked and sometimes when a rough shift ended on a cold winter night, I'd stop at the greenhouse and dawdle my way through every single row and table, reading the names of different epiphytes and orchids, playing in the water the the table-top fountains they sold burbled and petting the ubiquitous greenhouse kitties. I don't know if it was the sound of moving water, the smell of growing things, the green haze in the air or the purring nudge of the resident cats but it always worked. I'd go back to my car feeling like I could walk again, like I wouldn't cry after all and like there was a reason to live.

Lemons as big as your head!

Maybe you think I'm crazy and shallow and even selfish, but that's how it works with me. The one last place that has been a haven in tough times (don't laugh!) is Panera Bread. Somehow everything is alright again when I am snuggled own in a warm booth, watching the fireplace flicker with a mug of coca as big as my head between my hands. I think I can thank my sister-in-law, Jane for introducing me to this particular form of healing. We spent many a chatty afternoon back in my college and post-college Michigan days noshing in the comforting glow of Panera after they built one right down the road from her house. Now Panera makes think of all those who love me and slow conversation and laughter and good times and there's also something very boosting as the perennial mommy-person who takes care of everyone else, in having someone else make me lunch and bring it to me on a platter (special perk of appearing at the counter with your arms full of babies) even if "someone else" is a guy named Jose who doesn't know me from Adam is being paid by someone else to make my lunch. Still. I'll take it. And it does come with a fireplace and a mug of cocoa the size of my head.

Giant green leaves. :)

Today I took the boys to Panera. (They pretty much always have to come along whenever mommy needs some healing.) I've discovered that Panera makes pb&j perfectly and that they serve these exciting little yogurt-in-a-tube snacks that Mommy never buys which are thrilling to my sons. We had lunch together, watched all the other people eating lunch and talked about them, snuggled up to the fireplace, and then bought a gingerbread man to split over our cocoa. Life was better.

The beautiful herb wreaths they were making while we were there today, all sage and bay and thyme etc. They smelled amazing.

Nib, wandering the aisles.

And then I remembered that there was a greenhouse I'd heard a rumor about that I'd been meaning to visit for some time...so we gps'd it and drove ourselves right over. There are actually about four greenhouses, a special one just for herbs, one with an amazing, lush lemon tree and one with an indoor farmer's market once a week (today, just by chance!). There are kitties curled up snoozing on the top of plant racks, there is that moist green smell that all greenhouses have and there are little corners where nobody is and you can just let your boys sit down on the ground and run the pea gravel through their fingers while you smell flowers and meander around fingering tags. The doors on each house close so there's no serious losing of the toddler and it turns out my boys light up just as much as I do when they walk into a greenhouse. We all left ready to come back again soon. I think I just found my safe place. If you need a little solace yourself and you happen to be in the area, this particular greenhouse is called Gilbertie's Herb Garden. So, I'm feeling better now, and our house is one jasmine plant and a few herbs richer and we have a place to run when the needle is on E.

Little Homeschool

2011-11-16T13:37:00.001-05:00

Everyone is always asking me, everywhere I go, "So, how's that homeschooling thing going? You started this year, right?" The short answer is, "Just fine!" and the longer version details the fact that I totally over-prepped psychologically for this year. I felt like I really needed to brace myself and be ready for the full-impact of real life, full-time homeschooling to hit me. (Look out world, I had a genuine kindergartener on my hands!)

The truth is, honestly, kindergarten isn't a whole lot different from preschool and preschool is just normal childhood at our house. The only things that are really different are the fact that I am working through a book of pre-reading skills with Ru which includes writing practice and we're attending Cherry Blossom School House, our once a week co-op. Otherwise it's basically life as usual around here and "schooling" is definitely unschooly in the form of baking together, watching videos on YouTube to answer kiddie questions, nature walks together as a family, and lots and lots of stories and conversation. Same old, same old.

The only other thing we're doing is working on math with Ru but I'm not responsible for that or doing anything to make it happen. A has taken over the job. I have mixed feelings about that. I love that he wants to teach some subjects, I love that he's been so driven about making it work and I love that he gets special consistent time with Ru. (He's also really good at math which is obviously a good thing too.) The downside is that this means I'm not likely to get better at math myself (one of the coolest things about teaching something to someone else) and it also means my brand as the family math-dummy is likely to perpetuate. Man, do I hate having my own past ghosts never die! I was really kind of hoping for a clean slate or at least a boost up in this department because of teaching my own kids, at least at the lower levels. Oh well, I am glad A is being participative, more glad I'd ever feel if I was sitting around cramming numbers in all my spare time to try to be a presentable teacher.

So, yes, my mom was right, (aren't they always?!?) when she told me to not get all worked up about homeschooling this year, kindergarten is not a belly buster. For all of you out there who haven't asked me yet how I'm doing with homeschooling, here's the answer...fine, just fine...it's really about the same as preschool...kindergarteners aren't up till all hours with mind boggling homework, they still want to hear stories and spend hours building things with Duplo Legos, they just know how to write their names.

Autumn-That-Almost-Wasn't

2011-11-15T15:58:00.001-05:00

Here, in the middle of November, we've finally come to the visual apex of fall. A bit late but hey. Better late than never. And I really, really thought it was going to be never this year. Looking back through my photo files from last year tells me, surprisingly, that the colors really aren't any later than they were last autumn. If it weren't for bulging photography files I could have sworn to you that the colors this year were so much later than they normally are. When we got that snowstorm in late October and everything was icicles and frost and the boys were out in the yard swinging their snow shovels around for old time's sake and A and I looked around at all the trees, still green in the leaf and though, "Well, there goes our fall color show!" I was sure that once the snow melted and the air warmed up again all the leaves would turn brown and insta-drop.

Heh. Never second guess Mother Nature...she is her own boss. Looks like all that really happened is that we got an early taste of winter spirit to put a little extra spring our step and then we went back to our regularly scheduled autumn show.

Maples are my favorite trees, second only to beeches, I'm so glad to have several of them on and near our property. In the back yard, over the garage a big grand sugar maple and her neighbor has gone school bus colored and are starting to drop leaves in a pile the boys like to jump in every morning.

In front of our house, we have two Japanese maples, one on either side of our front walk reaching up towards our bedroom window.They spread their double canopy right about even with our second floor and specifically my bedside window. They are now the most amazing flame scarlet and waking up in the morning to see the sun rising out my window in cotton candy wisps and swathes of pink and gold through those bright red leaves is completely surreal. I wish I could paint it or photograph it for you but it is one of those breathtaking things that makes you leave the camera where it is and just open your eyes a little wider instead. There is no capturing certain visual moments except with the mind. This Autumn-That-Almost-Wasn't is a really beautiful thing.

Turkey Day Mental Simmer

2011-11-14T20:02:00.001-05:00

Just a busy Monday mish-mash of all the things in my mind today. Basically all I'm thinking about at this point is Thanksgiving Day planning, my mind is buzzing with ideas and lists and possibilities.

My hopeful little invitation ended up being way more inviting than I ever dreamed...we won't have just our little nuclear family trying pathetically to down a turkey dinner. People are turning out in droves. Counting ourselves and the boys we will have between 25-30 people, give or take. I'm totally psyched!

Last night we solidfied the menu:

Roast Turkey
Honey Baked Spiral Glazed Ham
Giblet gravy
Fruit and Cheese Plate
Garlic mashed potatoes [1/2 batch made w/ olive oil and half with butter for the vegans in attendance]
Rolls or bread
Cranberry Sauce
Sweet Potatoes
Stuffing
Wild Rice with Wild Mushrooms
Curried Squash Soup
Green Beans w/ Olive Oil, Garlic and Toasted Almonds
Roasted Cauliflower
Cold Lentil, Persimmon, Pomegranate Salad

[Dessert]
Pumpkin Pie
Apple Pie
Poached Pears
Assorted Chocolate Truffles
Flourless Chocolate Torte
Whipped Cream

I realize this looks like proof of my certifiable insanity but I swear to you, most of these items can be made ahead, A is taking several of them and teaming with me to cook, I am delegating some dishes to guests and most importantly...even if it's crazy...I really want to be doing this and I'm excited to make it happen!

Now that the menu is all set, I'm collecting my recipes, making the big grocery list, drawing up a cooking schedule for the week beforehand and musing on other happy "Thanksgivingy" things.

Witness:

A Thankful Paper Chain which could be a really fun activity to keep dinner guests occupied while the meal is being finished.
Pretty decoration ideas from Better Homes and Gardens.
The ever inspiring Martha. I especially like the leaf decorated glass jars with candles in them. I am imagining using any old recyclable glass jars we have in our bin. I think the boys would like helping make these.
These ARGH! beautiful, beautiful harvesty floral arrangments by my floral designing idol Saipua.
A very charming vintage card cover that makes me very happy. I may print it off just to prop in my kitchen window while I bake. Do you think I could pull off a little starched cap like that?
This beautiful junk chair frame...turned autumn scene frame. Wish a stunning Queen Anne frame like that would get tossed in my neighborhood.
Baby dormice, who are both British and alarmingly cute and autumnal...plus, they live in a pumpkin! What's not to love.
Acorns so achingly beautiful that I want to go out and collect bucketfuls.

Together Work

2011-11-09T11:44:00.000-05:00

This morning we went out and had an early family work bee in the yard. A has started "working out" two mornings a week in our own yard: moving wheelbarrow loads of garden goods, hoisting stones, digging holes for me, hacking bushes apart and other little homeownery, outdoor chores. It is so fun to have him chip in and the boys and I always try to put on our garden gloves and outdoor boots and join in. I am sure the neighbors must think we're crazy, all out there in the yard together at 7 AM but we're having fun, we're actually getting the outdoor work done and there's something so very seasonal about being out in the thick of it like that.

We've seen the first frost and the first leaf color firsthand, noticing all the tiny changes as they come because we're out there, saturated in it on those work mornings, breathing clouds of frosty steam and kicking through the first falling leaves. Another great bonus? When we finally come in, peeling off work gloves and stamping our feet, we bring our heartiest appetites to the breakfast table. Oatmeal never tasted so good!

Lately we've: dug the ephemeral summer bulbs and put them into the basement for storage, finished stacking the stone wall along the back property line, given the hedge one last trim for the year, and now the boys and A are busily stacking up a big pile of wintery kindling to heap into a cardboard box in the basement where it will dry out thoroughly waiting its turn by the fireside. I am thinking about tying them into little bundles with garden twine, would make transport easier and also look really cute.

This family-work is a new thing for us, we've historically been pretty thin on genuine group-efforts but somehow we've hit the right sort of activities and time-slot. It feels good to work together, not just play together...and it feels really right to be working as a group to manage and maintain our little plot of land....even if it is just a little farm in the city.

Sweet Moments

2011-11-08T17:15:00.002-05:00

You can tell Halloween just happened and we're still living in the celebratory Land of Abundant Candy when you open the dishwasher and find the soap cup has been secretly stashed with the toddler's back-up supply of fruity ju-ju drops. Sometimes motherhood does make me smile. Love the random silly bits of life.

The Not-So-Scary Relatives

2011-11-07T17:07:00.000-05:00

My in-laws came and they went. I didn't keel right over from anticipation stress and the visit went very well. I'm not sure exactly why but I sure am able to make a whole lot of panic out of a friendly visit. I'm so intimidated by other people sometimes, so scared of sharing my space (lest it be sneered at), so afraid of criticism and so unsure of my ability to get "included." I think a lot of it stems from not being a very strong feeling person inside, I'm not confident in my ability to hold my own, impress, blow away the competition or be what I am supposed to be.

A's parents, in the flesh.

It was just a little weekend visit, they flew all the way out from the Midwest, just to spend the weekend with us, belnieve it or not. On that weekend visit they sent A and I on a highly relaxing overnight with no kids (Oh, baby-free, king-sized, sleep-number-bed...you were heaven!), they re-stocked our kids with books, brought us sheet-music for children's songs, did all the laundry in the house, ironed anything within a 1 mile radius, took all our trash out, shined our every dish, treated us to pizza, and even maaged to hang a curtain for me on the sly that I had been battling with.... What exactly was I so scared of? I sometimes wish I was less of a ridiculously cagey bird and more placidly trusting and smoothly optimistic. But yeah, I'm still me.
Image via Wikipedia

So, now that they're gone and all is well after all, I'm handing out the homemade cookies my mother-in-law whipped up for snack time and we're all reciting the lines from, How The Grinch Stole Christmas (which we can now recite in chorus thanks to Grandpa's astounding patience with "one more time" requests from Ru.) I feel soundly on my feet, heading into the holidays with my cap tightened down and my kitchen counters shining. I am determined to manufacture more goodwill for my fellow man, more cookies for the Christmas tins and as much good cheer as can be reasonably obtained. Morning sickness be darned!

Halloweens of Yore

2011-11-01T17:10:00.003-04:00

Halloween was beautiful. I was worried all the snow we got right before the holiday would make for frigid trick-or-treating but it turned out to be a balmy night with just the right amount of nose nipping chill in the air.

Our yard, the day before Halloween

I think, all things considered that it was actually warmer than last year on Halloween. The boys all chose their own costumes, second year of the big boys actually having opinions of their own about what they wanted to be. Kind of fun to see what they think would be fun. My big qualm was that Ru chose "an Indian" and then wanted a boy and arrow and a feather headband and the whole nine yards. It wasn't terribly p.c. but I let him do it. He meant no disrespect so I decided if he's inspired by pretending a tribal identity, I'd let him live his little boy dream for the night. He felt really cool.

I was a zebra, for extra holiday spirit, A was a cowboy although I don't have a good picture.

I did very little this year for the holiday. No homemade costumes, no fancy food...no impressive decorating.We attended a party some friends of ours threw which was zero work for us, A bought the trick-or-treat candy for the visitors we had and I only bought one costume, for Dee...who was the most adorable frog ever. Nib re-used a doggy costume from previous years and the Indian costume was a friend's hand-me-down gift which happened to be Ru's secret yen anyhow.

We had a "special" snack of popcorn before door-to-door trekking to try to make sure that the kids actually had something vaguely nutritious before all the candy...and the boys thought I was really cool or making them a big bowl of popcorn. Sometimes simple is the way to go.

We had some friends from the suburbs join us as we left the house and we then we walked the kids until they were dragging their wheels pretty slowly. We stopped at the neighbors who always have a smoke machine, the famous neighbor who used to play in a major rock band, the neighbor with the yippy little dogs and the neighbors who always hand out full-sized candy bars...a whole covey of fabulous characters. Then we crashed back at the house and handed out the rest of our candy reserves to the last of the trick-or-treaters and the boys went to sleep with sugar glazed grins, and they were asleep as soon as they hit their pillows.

When in Doubt, Copy Your Sister!

2011-10-26T17:03:00.000-04:00

Look what I did today! Woohoo!!!!

I've been wanting an area rug for the dining room for a long time. Rugs have such a great way of completing a room and designating spaces and making everything look all legitimate. They are perhaps my greatest interior decorating discovery yet. (Yes, I am in the early stages.) But, yes, let's do be honest, shall we? My dining room floor is horrific...not even sort of the place for a rug. I am wretched about cleaning up the floors after meals. They really get gross. I don't know how I'd ever manage in a house with carpet under the dining room table. My mother-in-law is awe-inspiring in this category...all busily down there on her hands and knees picking up each crumb my kids tossed overboard during the meal.

Right. So, after I established that there was no way a rug was happening...I mourned it and lived with the room feeling bareish for about a year. But did I give up? No! I hatched a somewhat crazy plan. See, my kid sister, Foxy had done this wonderful floor stencil in her dining room and it made my jaw drop. A "rug" that was stenciled onto fairly unfinished wood floors that we have for which there are no terribly concrete plans regarding their shining refinished future. Heh. It's pretty cheap and brilliantly simple. I had a can of white paint around for painting all the trim the house and I just dipped into that. It took hardly any volume to paint this pattern. I bought one plastic stencil on Etsy, I picked a somewhat complicated damask design which meant that I could cherry pick it apart and selectively stencil little bits here and there to make the rug design look more diverse.

And I love it! I know it will get grubby and eventually fade and be scuffed and scratched but as you can see by I'm not really going for a perfect look, I am thinking more old farmhouse, romantic/rustic than upscale. And eventually I expect we'll sand it off in favor of those shining floors and then I'll be back to the same old problem.

But for now...I love my new lacy rug.

Simplify for Peace

2011-10-25T15:53:00.000-04:00

Image via WikipediaThank heaven for all you kind people and your very boosting, sweet comments. You are all so encouraging, you have no idea. And thank heaven for friends who say things like "Just focus on survival right now...eat, something....not perfect, from scratch, gourmet meals....sleep, get the laundry clean, don't sweat the perfect folding. Keep your standards sane."

I like the idea of lowering my standards from time to time. When I am full steam ahead and brimming with energy high standards can keep my sails trim and keep me on course but when the stock is plummeting and my sanity is ebbing away low standards can be a forgotten but very, very useful idea. I am giving my menu plan a second look at considering what very simple maybe even (gasp!) pre-fab meals I can have on hand to cut down on my end of the day meltdowns. I am considering a paper plate rule at breakfast and lunch to keep dishes at a minimum and I have had a good heave-ho rummage through the toys to organize them again and trim, trim, trim the stock. Nothing makes me feel as good as a good purge of our toy collection. I've done it before, and it always feels just as good, every time. I love throwing out the broken ones and culling the ones they never play with and putting all the markers in a baggie together and finding a spot for all the hats...etc. I must have simplification, at whatever costs and in whatever way I can devise.Image by mightymoss via Flickr

I have given my solemn word to A that I will not spend money on more stuff for the house as somehow we managed to go over our budget in that category but oh, I am dying for bins and shelves and racks and other organizational systemy things. I want metal shelving in the basements for storing out of season clothes on, and the camping equipment and all the empty canning jars. I want a labeled basket for the library books to live in and little separate containers for the mittens and the winter hats. In the meantime, am trolling Craigslist free section because you never quite know what you'll find. Maybe I'll will some bins and shelving my direction by sheer force of determination.

Until then...I am writing a list of all the things I could do to make my house more livable and my life more heavy with peace. Got any brilliant ideas?

Out of the Fog

2011-10-24T17:41:00.000-04:00

I am complete toast. I cannot think clearly, I'm exhausted all the time, I go to bed early every night, take a nap most days and still can't manage to feel awake. Very little sounds good food-wise, Claussen dill pickles make the cut and breakfast sandwiches with lots of oozy cheese, sausage and egg. Otherwise...the list is pretty darn short. Most days I manage to quickly prepare dinner and then then serve it to other people but can't make much more than water sound appealing to myself. And my moods! Could someone please tell adrenaline to give me a break here!?!? I feel like I am freaking out over every little ridiculous thing...it all feels like the end of the world and nothing feels okay....ever. My housekeeping is doomed, my friendships are hopeless, my complexion is the pits, and forget my parenting skills. I can't stop crying left and right, the last thing I was sobbing over was the laundry.

Heavens! It's a good thing there's a sweet new baby coming in June to make up for all of that!!!!! Otherwise, I'd have to diagnose myself a bit gone in several categories. We're all very excited around here and as soon as the boys knew and were very strictly lectured on how this was "our secret" Ru went around grinning at all our social engagements looking for sly moments to take adults aside and tell them that he "had a secret to tell them!" So much for waiting! Ha ha! We're out. We're proud...we're parents again and we're headed into the culturally insane category of four child family.

I feel super out of it. And although this was a very wanted baby at the moment I feel over my limit. Way over. I know most of it is the way that pregnancy, especially the early part, makes me feel like a total psyche ward case but it sure is daunting. I know Baby Four will fit in just fine and I know that we'll very quickly feel like we couldn't imagine life without him or her but for now I just feel like hiding under my quilt and never speaking to anyone again.

Image by mhaithaca via Flickr

I am not sure what to do to comfort myself for the next five weeks, infinite supply of Starbucks and cheesy breakfast sandwiches would help. Barring that, I think I'm just in survival mode. I sleep and sleep and also sleep and I cancel a lot of engagements. If I cancel on you, tell yourself I have a terminal illness and to expect very little of me....and in a month or so I will reappear in normal life. I am telling myself this daily.

Bathroom Redo, Part Two

2011-10-19T21:33:00.000-04:00

Remember when I stripped the wallpaper off the bathroom and then got stumped? I have spent months dithering about what exactly I should do next and how. Sometimes the answer was, drywall mud over the whole friggin' thing, glue residue and all and start over...sometimes the answer was old fashioned elbow grease, just a slow manual scrub of every single inch....and sometimes I convinced myself that this whole project was insane for us to be tackling at all and the real solution was to hire professionals and just outsource. I love it when a real person inspires me to suddenly believe in the impossible.

The next thing that happened was that I met Ashley. Ashley doesn't have any inkling that she turned on my lightbulb and gave me real life hope about being a home re-modeler, I'm not even sure she remembers my name...we met in passing at a women's group. She just shared quickly that she is mother of three and that their family purchased a 1929 home (the exact year of our house) that needs a lot of work and she is single-handedly renovating it piece by piece. The day she talked to me she had just finished lining and building a fireplace and installing a mantle over it! Holy moly! Forget my blues...with no training or formal qualifications. She just has an old house that she wants to see live again, she wants to be a can-do woman and she believes she is qualified to learn how to do virtually anything her house needs because she has a good mind and two sound hands. She does it all with her kids by her side with no nanny and her mother living across the country. Dude. She beats the We Can Do It woman all hollow if you ask me!

Image by The U.S. National Archives via FlickrI went home completely inspired and super motivated. I sat down and did some quick research on what was the correct thing to do with a wall covered with wallpaper glue...no short-cuts or quick fixes or cover over jobs but what was the right thing that a real pro, going the honest route would recommend. I realized that even though it will take longer and in some cases take some special equipment and education I would rather renovate our home the right way than turn it into a giant hack job. That is work that a woman can be proud of with good reason. I'd be busting my buttons if I dusted off our home and made it shine again the right, honest way, giving myself an education in the process.

After my internet digging I found out that the right way is truly to remove the glue. Any other plan might fall right through. Drywall mudding over the top can go awry because sometimes the mud doesn't stick well to the glue or it doesn't stick long-term (even worse!). Painting right over the residue could have similar results and professionals would be very pricey and maybe not even a sure bet for "the right method." The only way to do it was to clean the wall. So then I thought, "Well, then let's think outside the box. I have to get the glue off...I need clever methods of doing it." and the research took another furious bend. And eventually I found Chomp wallpaper removal spray cleaner. I read reviews and ordered it up. It came in the mail and I got right to work testing it out this week. I am happy to say that the glue removal has been vastly accelerated, I am back to dreaming about bathroom paint swatches and feeling more hopeful than ever about my own abilities as woman home renovator. It's crazy to do with a herd of children and my feet and an optimistically small budget but is not impossible. I really believe that sometimes the key is just hearing encouragement, it sure changed my tune. Share your major achievements with people, you never know who really needs to hear a success story!

Re-entry 101

2011-10-18T18:01:00.000-04:00

The weekend was good. Not earthshaking, just solid, this-was-not-a-mistake...I-am-glad-I-came...good. Cape Cod is never bad. Friends + very late night conversations + good food + painting is never bad. The boys were thrilled to have time alone with their daddy and I really wasn't stressed about how they'd do while I was away from them. In fact, a friend asked me at one point during the weekend how I thought I'd find them on my return and I thought for just a second and knew the answer was, "Just fine. I am positive they'll be just fine." A must be getting pretty good, eh? My confidence is pretty boundless in his daddy prowess. When I came back they had balloons, new batteries in their electronic car, big grins and stories about the cool airplane movie they'd seen together. He's a good man is A.

I am amazed how hard it is for me to get my feet back under me, even when it was only a weekend, it was only me alone and there truly are not bags and bags to unpack. There aren't any excuses at all and here I am, flattened and looking for extra room in my schedule for hibernation. Motherhood has really highlighted my slight tendency towards introversion. I really need recoup time after big stuff happens...no matter how good the stuff was.

So, yesterday I sorted through my paintings, and vacuumed the floor and took the boys to the park for a little nature walk with friends and today I baked maple mustard chicken and butternut squash and smooth halved pears and sorted through my photos. Slowly my brain is coming out of the fuzz and I am starting to feel that normal will happen again.

May all your fall days be crisp and all your baked pears be eaten with a tiny spoon,

October at the Door

2011-10-12T14:09:00.005-04:00

I am feeling a little low lately for no particular reason under the sun. I know that stress gets to me and my upcoming artist's retreat weekend away (no kids! EEP!) although exciting is always stressful in the prelude. I always worry about how it will actually feel to hang out with people. The truth is, I'm still in high school in my brain and worried subconsciously about exactly how to fit in. I worry that I'll be lonely or overwhelmed or just odd and that people will point it out or not...or whatever. Bah! I wish I could somehow rise above it and just revel in the deserved euphoria that should come with this sort of exciting occasion. A weekend on Cape Cod, at a friend's family cottage? Round the clock painting? Trips out in the row boats? Personal space? Why is my brain panicking about this? What is wrong with me? If you have any idea how to stop the manic deluge inside my head, let me know. I wish I wasn't this insecure.

In other news, our stove is here....and although I am sure I saw the installation man grimace when he moved it and saw the horrific mess our family had created underneath it, it is all okay. The stove is gleaming and it works, it really cooks, it smells like plastic a bit from the factory but it has so many features and doo-dads that I honestly have to read the manual to be sure of myself before I turn anything on. We baked a test batch of chocolate chip cookies to be sure everything was in order. A double batch. Enough for a whole weekend away without Mommy in the house.

The leaves have just begun to turn and the bittersweet is just cracking open and showing dark orange glints. The dogwood tree, just over the hedge in our back-neighbor's yard is a dark plummy burgundy. The bees are flitting between manic gathering (warm days) and silently internal days (cool weather). The boys and I are doing a lot more reading and making trips at least once a week to the library. It feels so good to be going often enough that the librarians are recognizing us, makes me feel like I'm doing something right.

Nib is hardly a baby now but instead a lanky little boy, he runs around behind his big brothers and has become quite the little chatterbox. He says "Bad job!" with high enthusiasm. Calling forth judgement seems like a very worthy pursuit. He loves to eat dried fruit of any kind which he gets out of the pantry himself every time I turn around and is a huge fan of books. He wakes up every morning around 5-6 AM and the first thing he does is trot in with a book. It's a good thing we're book lovers who mean to get up early every day. We have our chipper alarm clock. He usually wakes me up by sitting on me with a book in his hands.

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