Two Lips In The Garden Of Good And Evil

What Really Hurts

2014-11-18T11:38:00.002-08:00

For the past year, I've been dating someone whom I new deep down I did not fully love and accept. Sure, we talked about the usual things that lovers talk about: where we want to retire, how to raise our kids (that I did not want), and the things we loved about one another. There was always a sort of shallowness to my answers, while my partner was very oblivious to the fact that my love was waning. My love gave his all to the relationship, while I could muster about 80% at best.
The cold, hard truth is that I was rejecting our relationship, slowly. As my mind had time to comprehend what our differences and likenesses were, my gut began sensing that something wasn't right. To keep the relationship going, I would pick fights with my lover, and I would force my opinions on him, threatening to break it off, hoping with a small ounce of myself that he would refuse. But my lover was young, so he failed to see this destructive behavior as anything but normal and healthy. That is why I am writing this entry today. I want our readers to understand that this behavior is and should be considered unacceptable. I want our readers to know the signs that I saw in an unhealthy relationship.

My Top 5 Signs You Are in a Relationship Going Nowhere:

1. The saying goes that you should always listen to your gut. I completely agree with this. Sometimes, though, I find it very difficult to determine whether my gut is doing the talking or if it's my own insecurities. Well, let me lay these thoughts to rest. While it is true that your gut is usually right, your insecurities can be a sign as well. If your insecurities are causing you angst and restless thoughts in any relationship, you need to separate yourself from what is causing your doubts and focus on unraveling them, perhaps with the help of a professional; this will, in turn, allow you to overcome your fears and insecurities, and you can move on with a healthy relationship. That's not saying the partner you're with is the one causing your insecurities to be heightened.

2. One thing that was prevalent in my relationship was that my lover was overly willing to change himself for me. Any time your partner is eager to change long held beliefs or desires to ensure you stay together, chances are higher that you are not in a healthy relationship. The relationship may seem happy at first, but how long do you think it will take before those things he/she changed rear their ugly heads again? It's not good practice to change yourself in the name of love, unless you choose to make a healthier change or consciously consent to accept that what you previously held true is no longer applicable.

3. If you feel that your core values and beliefs do not work well with your partner's core values, the relationship will be much more difficult to sustain than if you find someone who already holds similar values. This isn't to say that it's necessarily unhealthy, but if you feel a heaviness in the air when you discuss these values with your partner and avoid talking about it, this is what I consider unhealthy behavior. I also feel that it is unwise to submit yourself to a waiting game to determine if these beliefs will change. This places an unfair expectation on you and your partner, and it also draws out something on the premise that it WILL happen.

4. You should never feel threatened by your partner. A healthy relationship should be built on mutual respect. If you are feeling superior or inferior to your partner, this can result in a power struggle. Do you ever feel jealous or even afraid of your partner? If you aren't sure if your relationship is based on fear or resentment, relationship counseling may be a good option for you. I feel that a relationship should stand firm in encouragement and positivity for one another.

5. Have you ever had a friend who you grew apart from because you were just in different places in life? This can happen in relationship, as well. If you aren't feeling completely committed to the person you are with, and you notice that your maturity levels don't coincide, it might be easier to move on at that point. I found in my own relationship that it was much more difficult to face a problem with my partner when he'd yet to experience anything similar. While he found it awkward to relate to, I had trouble accepting his reaction as a mature one. This caused us both to feel misunderstood. It's simpler, but not necessarily healthier, to date someone who has similar life experiences.

This is a list based on my own experience in dating. This is not a researched subject, other than what I found during my own struggle with an unhealthy relationship. I strongly suggest seeking counsel with someone who is unbiased and trained in counseling if you continue to struggle with a relationship that you don't want to break off.

Awkward Places/Times to Have a Bowel Movement

2013-03-11T16:04:00.000-07:00

AWKWARD!

No matter how comfortable you are with your bodily functions, there are some places that just make it so awkward to have a really relaxed bowel movement. Sometimes it's the place; other times, it's the people. No matter what it is, it can be awkward for you, and for anyone else involved. In this post, we will be discussing the most awkward times and places to relieve yourself so you don't have people look at you like this:

Number 1: The Hotel Room Bathroom
Whoever you are with at the hotel will appreciate this listing. It is the most awkard place to take your morning poo because it's a bathroom within a bedroom. These bathrooms aren't known for their awesome ventillation, either, so you may want to squirt shampoo on the walls...or something, afterwards. Usually, even the most comfortable of partners don't appreciate the smell of your rosey dung. Besides, when there is only one bathroom in a room, you don't want to have a line form behind you while you enjoy your newspaper on the porcelain throne. A helpful tip for this occassion, try going to the bathroom in the lobby if at all possible.

Number 2: When you have someone in stalls on either side of you
We all know the sound. The little plop,plop. You know exactly what's coming. It's awkward for everyone. It's easy to recognize: the sudden silence after the sound- the perpetrator has come down with a case of anxiety. You can imagine what's running through his/her mind:
"Did they hear that?" "Maybe if I just hold it in, they'll leave." So how does this situation get even more awkward? Simple. By adding the fact that you have a person on either side of you. It is sure to clamp up that rectum like a frightened oyster. Why would anyone want to crowd around someone in this position? So before you choose the stall you wish to make your move in, be sure to consider the possibilities. Ask yourself, "is this going to be too close to someone if they have to go?" "Am I going to be blocked in by two unsuspecting victims if I choose this stall?" Or if you are the one that blocks someone in, ask yourself, "if I choose this stall, am I going to make someone uncomfortable?" For those of you who choose the stall on the otherside of 2 locked doors, you're just setting yourself up for a world of "stank." You should've thought about that when there were 15 other stalls avaiable at the movie theatre or the public rest stop. Helpful advice, don't even think about using that empty stall next to someone when there are others available.

Number 3: On the bus
It's true, we've all (or most of us have) done it. Sometimes, you just can't hold it. Even if you haven't done it as an adult, you probably did on a field trip when you were in third grade. No one holds it against you...except for the cool kids who sat in the back of the bus, so they could pick on the people in the restroom. Seriously, though: why did they sit there??? This one makes the top of the list for obvious reasons. I mean, you're stuck on a dingy old bus, you're having to balance yourself while you give back to the earth, and there are people right outside the door. Let's not forget the weird sloshy sound inside the toilet as the bus hits bump after ever-loving bump! It's just awful. So to avoid this mistake, do what your mother told you 20 odd years ago-go before you leave. If you can't do that, then you better just clamp that puppy shut and hope you don't get hemmorhoids.

Number 4: The Surprise Attack
Usually surprises are fun and exciting, if not a little annoying for some people. In this case, it's only the latter. Annoying, and even slightly awkward. When you're trying to do something, and the urge hits you like a ton of bricks, what can you do? You just run to the bathroom and hope it doesn't break loose. This writer's advice? Never find yourself far from a clean bathroom, or at least know where the bathroom is in each place you frequent.

Number Five: After Eating Spicy Food
Oh, yeah. You know what we're referring to. That itchy, burning feeling that comes from your anus as hot lava pours from your bum-that's not from the fiber bar you had for breakfast, son. Anything spicy can trigger it: Thai, Mexican, Cayenne Pepper, Tobasco Sauce, Jalepenos, etc. on your favorite dish. You can't help it that you love those things, but don't be surprised when the liquid fire burns a whole through your digestive tract. You'll be asking yourself, "was that extra helping of Wasabi really worth it?" There is only one option to prevent this from happening. Don't eat spicy food, obviously.

Number 6: Beer Shits
When you drink too much, you can't help but get this bad case of the runs. It's not only the worst feeling hangover, ever; that sucker has to be accompanied by the most magnificently awful feeling upset stomach imaginable. You won't want to be away from the toilet very long with this one, guys. This poo is particularly awkward because you never know when it might start to hit. It could hit during the party, when you are discussing what you perceive to be high-esteemed politics with the stoned-out-of-her-ever-loving-mind, hot chick sitting beside you. You just never know. The best way to avoid this awkward scenario is to eat a lot of bread and drink a lot of water before you adventure into the world that is alcohol gluttony.

Number Seven: When Your Pet is Watching
This one is lower on the list because they're just animals...right? It's not like that big brown-eyed mutt is judging the size of your...thighs, or anything. Nor could the beloved cat be sneezing at you because of your awful stench. No way, man. Just keep telling yourself that. It's still awkward. Best way to avoid this one is close the damn door.

The Shortest Post Ever

2013-02-01T10:05:00.001-08:00

Why would you call vegetable soup "vegetable soup" if you put beef in it? That defeats the whole purpose. While the majority of the soup is, in fact, vegetables, it is misleading to state that this soup is full of vegetables. It'd be like calling tomato soup with noodles "tomato soup."
Just like chili with beans is NOT technically chili.

Lessons On Birth

2013-01-28T13:43:00.000-08:00

We're having a baby, today.
The mother is a dear friend of mine, who had a rough childhood, with a former prosititute for a mother and a pervert for a father. It was no surprise when we found out she got pregnant by hooking up with a high school interest---though, we thought she was gay, so a bit of a surprise there.
Since she is a good friend, I decided I'd volunteer to be her support person. I'd go to the hospital and sit with her while the induction medicine was kicking in, working magic, and making baby stuff happen. Well, the problem is, I've never been one for birth. I don't care for children or their general raising. I'd rather not even think about anyone giving birth, so this was new for me. The good thing is I was well equipped with a background in being awkwardly funny.
So from my understanding, what happens is, well...a man and a woman partake in sexual pleasure to the point of producing sperm that attaches itself to the egg...and so forth-you know this part; it's the fun part. Ok, now for the less fun part. There's the conception. Not so bad. That's fine. But after that, there is the growing. The baby grows into a bundle of pulpy goodness, that eventually becomes a human form with fingernails, skin, and bones. It eats your insides as it grows and grows, til it becomes big enough that your body is like "I need to expel this lifeform within me!!" So your cervix starts preparing itself or something. And there's some bones that move around...all on their on. IT's like being possessed, only cuter, and people say, "you have a glow about you," rather than, "you don't look quite like yourself today." Of course, with pregnancy, you have the very clear sign of a baby bump. Anyways, so when your body is taking too long, or the baby is moving around too much (the case for my friend), they induce labor.
Induction sounds fun, right? I mean, in mathematics, it's just proving that a statement holds for all natural numbers by proving that the first statement in the infinite sequence of statements is true, and then proving that if any one statement in the infinite sequence of statements is true, then so is the next one. It's actually pretty easy. In pregnancy, it's not so easy. Not at all. I happened to walk in right after they'd begun this interesting procedure on my friend. She told me when I closed the door that the nurse had just finished the unpleasant process of sticking a filled balloon into her vag. Yay. That sounds like loads of...no, no it doesn't. Don't even lie to yourself. So what this balloon does is cause her to dilate, from what I was told. I don't know any of this for fact. It prepares her to shove a blood and mucus covered baby from her body into the world, where it is cold and really, really bright.

They had her hooked up to all kinds of monitors. They finally gave her some pain and nausea medication, so a few hours after I left she slept. Then, in the morning, they woke her up and got her ready for more madness. Her water was broken...which just sounds so gross. Like I can just picture a waterfall gushing forth from between her legs now. Great. Anyways, then they told her that she should be ready to have this thing around 7 hours later. I'm not sure if that's an adequate amount of time to shove a human out; nevertheless, that didn't happen. This baby was stubborn. So now they are going to do a C-section.
Now this is really gross in itself. It's where they cut the woman open, lay her organs out on display, and take the baby out by physical force. I don't know about you, but this sounds dangerous, kind of like a war scene. I'm pretty sure I watched a documentary about cannibals that did something similar to this process. Then, they stitch you up, and you recover for the next 2 months. Like, you can't pick up anything heavier than...well, the baby. Hopefully, though-if all goes well, we will have a boucing baby boy around 5 pm. :) And I will be a Grandpa.
I'm not sure what else to educate you all on in regards to birth. This is as far as I've gotten. Oh, but I did learn that a lot of women that give birth all natural describe the moment that the baby drops into position like a ring of fire "down there." Interesting stuff.
happy pooping.

Engaging Engagment Photos

2013-01-24T11:30:00.000-08:00

So I was looking at engagment photos on Google images, because that's what people do-look at happy pictures to make life seem less dull, and I came across this gem. I love it when people take engagement photos with their animals because animals become part of the family, too. Now, you can argue all you want that animals have no feelings, and all that jazz, but if you have ever had a pet, you know the pain felt when that pet is no longer living; animals are companions, so when you lose one, it hurts. Hence, this picture made me laugh because the dog's face says: "Oh! I'm just so happy! I can't believe I'll be calling you Mom, soon...Mom! haha! I said it, and it felt so good. I love you both!"
If I could explain why this one made me happy, it might offend some people. I've always found the renaissance-inclined people very fascinating...in an eccentric way. I just love the horribly overdone backdrop, the most. But hey, to each his/her own. I wonder how hard it was for the photographer not to burst into fits of laughter.
Now, this is how you say "classy." I'm not sure if this is an engagement photo, but if I were getting pictures with my fiance, and he/she decided to take a piss outside, while the camera was rolling, I don't think I'd be as supportive of this.
Not going to lie, these kind of pictures always freak me out. That grass looks super itchy, for one. Secondly, I don't trust bugs. These must be for super outdoorsy people. Which, obviously, my other half and I are not.
The best part about this photo is that it was deemed "creative." Yes, chopping people's shoulders off is very creative. I hope it was just the sizing on the thumbnail was off; however, when I clicked on the image, it enlarged to the same-having no heads. I don't understand engagment photos with no faces. Is it supposed to be a mystery? Do they put these pics in their houses? Or maybe make blown up copies of the picture and let people stick their faces where faces are missing as part of a photo booth thing. That's becoming popular, now, to my understanding.
As a nerd, I like nerdy things. This, however, is going a little too far. I think it's cute, but do they not realize that Darth Maul and Luke Skywalker would never engage in anything more than battle?? Not to mention, they forgot the double weilding light saber. Gah! There are just so many things wrong with this. It's a creative idea, but just plain inaccurate.
This one is cute and super sweet. I can't say I don't love a man in uniform, but I really love her dress...and the bench, and the tree, and everything. This picture just screams "I'm so excited we're getting married!!!"
Ok, that ends my pointless picture blog for the day. I love these. :)
Maybe it will give you some ideas of what to do or what not to do as far as engagement photos go.
Hope you enjoyed reading. Happy pooping.

Geriatric Girls Gone Wild

2012-11-26T11:31:00.000-08:00

Readers, we have come to the age of incontinence, disorientation, and early bed times. That’s right, we are becoming elderly. The other day, we were having one of our world-renown slumber parties, and we were having a blast. When 9:30 p.m. rolled around, though, we were quick to put on our pajamas and jump in bed. What’s worse is we barely talked-we just went to sleep! Now, there are plenty of reasons why this could have happened. I mean, we are working and waking up earlier. So why, then, did my significant other, and I pee our pants because we were laughing too hard the next day? Incontinence is no laughing matter. Here is a surprising statistic, ladies:” Between the ages of 18 and 44, approximately 24% of women experience incontinence.” That is approximately a quarter of the population of women. One woman bravely gives her testimony on the matter, stating “At first I only noticed that I leaked urine when I was lifting something very heavy or when I coughed or sneezed. Over time, it got worse.” We have a lot to look forward to, ladies.

Of course, we also have the disorientation. It is somewhat normal for someone to go into a room and completely forget why they were going there; however, it is less understandable when this type of thing happens multiple times, daily. For instance, at our slumber parties, my significant other will become suddenly wide-eyed and start asking what we were talking about. I forget where I am, sometimes. Often, we will find ourselves walking along busy highways, not sure how we got there.

These aren’t the only signs of our growing age. We have also become bad drivers that yell at other bad drivers for not driving properly. You know the ones? The ones that blindly pull into a lane, causing the car next to them to either slow down or move over to avoid being hit, yet they yell at the driver in the adjacent lane for not moving over sooner. “I had my blinker on!” Yeah, that’s us, now. Oh, and how about the fact that we don’t like driving at night. Not only is that past our bed time, it is also way too bright for our feeble eyes with all these new-fangled LED lights that Acura and a few other companies have begun using.

Another issue that is huge for us, is that music seems to be too loud at times. The other night, while getting ready to go to an early enough viewing of a movie so we would be in bed at a decent time, we were playing music when we decided that it was too loud and we continued to turn it down considerably. For everyone reading this, this is not OK! We are in our prime and music should be too loud.

To give you a little history on us, so you can see how much our funness has declined, I will share what our weekends use to be like.

Friday- Meet up around 6 and head to my other half's apartment, of course not before purchasing an unreasonable amount of alcohol. Once there, we would invite some guys over or go to a bar. Once we were in the company of the other sex we would play beer pong, or cards, or even dance. Once we were a few drinks in, we would invite our male friends to join us in some good ole' fun time...if you know what I mean. Once we had discarded the other gender we stay up until the wee hours of the morning drinking and making an obscene amount of noise.
Saturday- We would sleep until about 1 pm and then grab some lunch. On some occasions we would go to the nearest wal-mart or grocery store to buy ingredients for our own culinary endeavors. Once we reached late afternoon we would basically repeat the previous night, but it would be 10 times crazier.

As you can see, we have declined greatly and have fell into a rut. Some people may say this is all apart of growing up, but to those individuals I would like to say "Screw YOU!!". You probably haven't sharted in your pants in the last week because of a sneeze.

Homemade Whirlpool Cuddling...

2012-11-14T14:59:00.000-08:00

As you all know, my other half and I went on an epic road trip this past weekend. Sounds innocent, right? Absolutely not! If you have been reading our blogs you know by now that when we are involved, nothing is innocent. It all started Friday night when the work week had ceased and we were free to the open road. We blared our fun playlists made for this special occasion and ate our Taco Bell with ease knowing that in just a short period of time we would be far away from any judgmental stares caused by our wailing, siren like voices and bean-induced flatulence.

We arrived at our destination, and upon checking-in, we realized that the gentleman at the front desk was giving us weird looks. We concluded that he must have thought we were lovers due to our giggly, excited attitudes towards one another. In all honesty, we were excited because we never do anything exciting and this trip was so spontaneous for us, even though it took two months for us to plan it. The attendant handed us our keys to our bedroom on the third floor. We hoisted our bags onto our shoulders and headed for the elevators. These elevators were probably the slowest, creakiest hotel elevators either of us had ever been on. It took a whole ten minutes just to get to our room. Upon entering, we kicked off our shoes and released our baggage before collapsing onto our king sized bed-which resembled a size between a king and queen, if you ask me.

       Lying in bed, side by side, we suddenly noticed that there was a multitude of bugs in one corner. We discovered upon closer inspection that our room was the lady bug honey moon suite. There was a large cluster of the beautiful beetles in one corner of the closed window. Not sure how they got in, but they weren't unwelcome guests considering what else could have been in the room. We decided to investigate the whole room, just in case. The bathroom was spotless, other than some standing water in the tub. Everything looked great. We got our box of nerds, and we settled in for the night, flipping on some HGTV, and slept like the dead.

       Our plan for the next day consisted of going to a cave and possibly some other odd and end activities. However, after our adventure through the cave, all thoughts of activities went out the window and we returned to our room for a siesta. When we awoke from our nap it was time for our romantic reserved dinner. I mean, what's a best friend honeymoon without a romantic dinner? We arrived slightly early, due mostly to excitement. The meal was bland, but the entertainment was pretty good. After becoming exasperated with our waitress, we left the restaurant and began our search for the nearest packaging store because we had clear intentions of getting drunk off our asses. After all, when life has you down the best way to get back up is having a night of complete oblivion. Here I have to give some back story. We were both having some difficult times. Family members were sick, significant others were being douche bags, and work was becoming exhaustingly slow. That's why we needed a break; however, the drama followed us to the mountains, so we decided to numb the stress through consumption.

Once we had our happy juice in hand, we were on our way to party it up at the hotel. We got to our room and because my other half was having relationship problems, we made an "angry break-up" playlist on the good ole' iPod. Because at this point we had already downed one or two glasses of a delicious tequila mixture, our playlist was somewhat irrelevant to our desired goal. I mean, since when is "Rape Me" from Nirvana relevant to a shitty move from your boy/girlfriend? (Other half here: it's related because s/he took everything from me! S/He raped me of my emotions!!! The real question is, when was that song by The Talking Heads added? That one still eludes my understanding.)

After our playlist was done, we danced and we danced hard. We also procured scratches and bruises from our "hard" dancing due to our alcohol intake. Not to mention the falling into walls and off the bed- it was like a dirty dance video gone awry. After our impromptu dance party, we decided it was time for some drunk dialing. After all, there is nothing more flattering than getting a drunk call from someone. We called one of our dear friends, but unfortunately not much was remembered from that conversation. Afterwards, we started texting the evil girl/boyfriend who drove my other half to ingesting the devil's water.

Within an hour and a half, our bottle of tequila was gone and we were jonesing for some water fun. We headed downstairs and tried our luck at getting into the hotel whirlpool. When we got down there, the whirlpool was closed; we then asked the front desk if the pool was open. Though it was about 45 degrees outside, we were determined to have some fun. Somehow, our deadened brain cells knew that the alcohol would keep us warm. Our joy was crushed when we found out the pool was closed as well. When we get back to the room I have a stroke of genius. We made our own whirlpool in the bathroom tub. By this time you have to understand that the whole bottle of tequila was now residing in our tummies, and our heads were in a complete fog. The fact that the bathtub was only as big as an ordinary house tub was irrelevant at the time. We stripped down (completely) and got in our homemade whirlpool. We splashed and laughed, but something was looming. My other half broke down in tears so I embraced her, not caring that we were both naked. That's what best friends are for, after all.

Once we were out of the tub and had gotten half of our clothes back on, I heard a loud thud. Near the door, lying face down, was my poor friend. She had given in to our wild and crazy night as well as letting go of her dinner from earlier. As I traveled across the room I began to notice the floor was becoming closer to my face than it should. I then realized I was immobile on the floor before making it to the rescue of my friend. I continued to lay there for an unknown amount of time when I finally found the energy to move my legs. I got to my friend and urged her to the bed only for her to throw up again on the sheets. The next thing that is remembered is lying in a dark room and emptying my stomach on my side of the bed.

The next morning, around 6:30, we both woke up to the unknown condition of our room and no memory of the previous night. When my other half began the search for her phone we felt as though we were in our own "Hangover" movie. We were very hesitant to go into the bathroom for fear there would be a tiger waiting for us. Once we were fully awake, I went to the refrigerator to grab a water and lo and behold, there her phone sat in the refrigerator next to her leftover salmon. She had two voice mails and a few texts from her boyfriend worried for our safety. We wondered how and why he knew we had been drinking. With further investigation we realized she had sent him texts claiming he was a "stupid haaaass" and that we were friends "forevah!".

Around 7:30 am we decided to indulge in the free breakfast that was provided by the hotel, even though we still had a good amount of alcohol in our systems and we felt very rough. After a waffle, one serving of eggs, and about 5-10 pieces of sausage each, we decided to retreat to our room to put some of the pieces together. The room embodied the scent of tequila, puke, and shame. Our environment had yet to stop spinning and we were in no shape to drive home so we opted for a late check-out. Come noon, we could no longer tolerate the smell and packed our stuff. We left a nice tip for the housekeepers along with a note apologizing for the puke stains, the clogged tub, and horrible smell.

      There is the majority of our vacation for your eyes, only. Hope you enjoy our adventures...we sure didn't. Ok, that's a lie. We had a blast. We just can't remember most of it, and it cost us more than just our dignity. Hopefully you will learn a lesson from this story. Don't eat salad or salmon or ribeye if you plan on drinking a quart of tequilla afterwards. It'd probably be best to eat a lot of bread, instead. Anyways, maybe you just shouldn't drink to get wasted? That's what we learned. Next time, once again, we'll be going for slightly tipsy. HAHAHA!
Happy pooping, y'all! Come back, ya hear?
We're too gangsta to be hipsta. Love us. :)

Bearing All

2012-10-21T12:49:00.003-07:00

We begin our journey with a single, awesome plan: road trip! Lucky for us, our grandmother has share in a condo in the mountains, and her share was coming up. We promptly claimed the weekend trip with much excitement, so we began honing the plan to every little perfect detail. Our weekend trip to the mountains was going to be superb! Little did we know, some stingy cousins had already put their name on the list.

When we found out our original plan had been demolished, our hearts sunk in our chests like the Titanic. Our iceberg had been a two hour drive away, and there was no way we could ever have guessed it'd sink our sailing ship. Good news was we were only out a free place to stay. Our next step was finding a hotel (we weren't about to kill off our plans just because we lost our place to stay). This was not an easy feat considering we were only a month from our desired date of arrival.
Seeing that our hotels were limited, our plans began to transform. We were quite lucky, then, to stumble upon a Groupon for a resort that was half priced for a weekend! But there is always a catch, ins't there? Looking at the availability dates, we quickly realized that our weekend stay would only be half priced for a day. Thus, we began looking into other options. An idea occurred that we could stay one night at the resort and one night in another city of interest. Again, we began looking for hotels; and again, we were limited because of our time frame. At one time, we even discussed sleeping in a tree house with no water or electricity because it was $13 per night. Then, we discussed sleeping in the car, but the necessity of safety was too prominent in our minds.
Our plan became this: buy the Groupon and pay for a cheap motel in the other city, drive up on Friday night, and enjoy all the many attractions of the mountains. But of course this plan also changed when both of us began to worry about money. Money changes everything. From this, our plan morphed into a weekend stay in the mountains in the city we planned to get the cheap motel; however, we decided since we would save on gas here, we would splurge on a very nice hotel for two nights (no bed bugs or mole mentioned in the reviews). While our hotel was considerably more expensive than our original plan, it worked out that we'd actually save money! Now our plan was truly perfect (minus the free lodging...so, technically not perfect, but fabulous).
As you can see, when you plan for a road trip, you need to keep an open mind. Things will constantly change because that is just how life works. But often, it works out for the best. Now we have a wonderful plan to spend our best friend honeymoon in the mountains, looking at waterfalls, nature, and other shit that makes you feel cozy. We might even go see some animals trapped in cages because we like zoos. It's all part of keeping our minds opened. Just remember, your original plan is not going to be the plan you end up with. Hope our experience is helpful in alleviating those pre-travel anxieties. As always, happy pooping! :)

To Become Undesirable

2012-10-16T14:13:00.000-07:00

Today is a good day to talk about ways to be awkward. Since we are the queens of awkward, we are your perfect professors for this topic. Not only do we have 20+ years of being awkward under our belt, our greatest strength is in the art of deterring people. So for this post, we will discuss how to make people avoid you.

Step 1: Start spouting off random facts about yourself. No one loves listening to someone talk about him/herself more than is asked for. It will leave them no room to make a conversation, causing them to quickly abort the mission of talking to you.

Step 2: To be even more awkward, give them a half scared half ecstatic face. It will make you seem maniacal and desperate to the other person- like you have been waiting too long to talk to someone, and will probably invade his/her personal space. That’s a big no-no. People that like small talk want to know that their conversations are going nowhere, especially physically.

Step 3: Just don’t reply. Once you have been handed the ball in the conversation, keep it. Hold it like a precious stone, and pass it with excruciating pain like a gall stone. The other person will be forced to act on your silence by either passing up the conversation for other interesting people or come up with new material. Just maintain your silence, no matter what.

Step 4: Start ranting about something you aren’t really passionate about…that no one is really passionate about. Like why grass is considered green when there are most obviously other colors of grass, not to mention different shades of green that should be recognized. Or why dust mites are called dust mites when they aren’t even made of dust.

Step 5: Pretend you are an exotic animal, recreating noises and faces to match your persona. If you are an albino crocodile, latch onto your speaker’s finger when he is making hand motions to go along with his words. His screams of pain will confirm that you have done well of making things awkward.

Step 6: Turn in circles. When you get sufficiently dizzy, don’t hesitate to throw up or lay down on the floor at the speaker’s feet. Likely, while you are spinning, the speaker will swiftly end all communication with you…for long term, reaching the desired effect.

Step 7: Don’t stop moving your eyes and blink rapidly. The speaker will probably be distracted by your behavior, rendering him/her speechless. You will look like you are in deep thought about something unrelated, which will deter further conversation.

Step 8: Cough or sneeze every two or three words your speaker says. It’s almost as annoying as being talked over. Seriously, try it. If you don’t want him/her to talk to you long, just interrupt every few words of his/her speech and he/she will eventually just stop talking altogether.

Step 9: Move your mouth as if you are a cow chewing cud when you are not talking. If you want to make it really awkward, do it when you ARE talking. Then when the companion asks you to repeat your statement, just mumble gibberish or splice words together so that it is completely incomprehensible. Eventually, he/she will give up and walk away exasperated.

Step 10: Wave your arms wildly and raise your voice at odd intervals when you are speaking. Your companion will be so afraid of being hit by your flailing arms (you might even consider smacking him/her a time or two) and disturbed by your tone, that he/she will get away from conversing with you as quickly as possible.

That concludes our steps on how to make people avoid you. If you have had any experiences that you would like to share, or maybe you try some of these ideas, please let us know through comments or messages. We appreciate all the views and love! You guys are great viewers. Hope you enjoy this post.

Til next time,

Happy pooping!

We just really liked this picture.

What Turns Women On - Rated X

2012-10-15T20:10:00.000-07:00

As I was discussing orgasms with my other half today, I realized that it may be helpful to men,and maybe some women, to know what REALLY turns a woman on. My list will almost guarantee that she will explOde (you notice what I did there? I emphasized the "O". Hehe) around you. As a disclaimer, I am no sex expert, but as a woman I know what it takes to turn a us into a puddle of sexy soup.

Bringing the heat- As history has shown through movies and advice from other columns, it's supposedly super romantic to fill the room with candles while you woo your woman to her brink. In all honestly though, that is really dangerous and all a woman will think about is whether or not a candle with light her $200 curtains on fire. Instead of putting both of your lives at risk, try this little move. About five minutes before go time, toss her undies into the dryer until they are really warm. This will give her the heat she's looking for and it's also incredibly arousing to a woman to have that warmth near her lady cave.

Diamonds are a girl's best friend- Sometimes all a girl wants is a pretty, shiny object given to her by her man. Contrary to popular beliefs, diamonds aren't always what she vying for. Alternatively, she may want a chrome dildo. You heard me right. Nothing is more exciting than a little friend who is cold, hard, and shiny. Just the words "chrome dildo" is enough to throw her over the edge. This gift would also be paired wonderfully with warm panties.

Whoa! Take it easy, tiger...Or maybe harder- Some men think that all a woman wants is a romantic evening of sweet and sensual love making. This is not always the case. Actually, I do believe that most women would contest that this is not the case most of the time. Sometimes we just want a good, rough fuck! We want to be thrown against a wall (bed, table, counter, shower, car, elevator...hell, as long as we won't fall to our death any place will do) and pleasured in ways that would make E.L. James blush.

Oh, what beautiful eyes you have- If you haven't noticed, men love our candy mountains of pleasure. I know, that's news to me too. But what is the sexiest part of a man? His forearms. A mans forearms is as sexy to us as our cleavage is to a man. It's actually been proven...by real life Scientist, Psychologists, and Anthropologists. Forearms show a man's strength. So, show off those forearms and if you want to really amp it up, get a sexy tattoo. Of course, that's dependent on whether you have nice arms. Flabby arms or super skinny arms are like mosquito bite tits

Sorry, I can't come to the fish fry. I'm tied up tonight- I think this topic is the most misconstrued of them all. All women have a BDSM side. Most women won't admit because it is considered taboo due to their culture or religion. I promise you, it's there and if you're around long enough it will eventually come out in the relationship in one way or another. Every woman dreams of being able to take control in the bedroom or BE taken control of by a man. It's so damn sexy! This feeling actually goes back to the caveman days. Now, your lady friend may not be as over the top as others, but little actions will show that she deep down wants to be handcuffed to a post and pleasured until she has earth shattering orgasms...and yes, I pluralized orgasm.

Will you be my Barry White?- I once dated this guy who's voice was so low I felt like I was dating Rocky Balboa. It was so hot! I could listen to him talk all day long because it literally set my loins on fire. A deep voice is so carnal and delicious. If you have a high pitched voice you may want to look into getting a voice box or one of those Darth Vader helmets...because who doesn't want to go to bed with a James Earl Jones sound-alike? Next time you are trying to coerce your lady into having warm panty, chrome dildoing, role-playing, forearm lusting, rough sex, channel your inner Barry White and enjoy the ride.

The Faces Of Being Human

2012-10-02T14:18:00.000-07:00

How does one react in the face of pure hatred? If you are cornered by a person so full of malice they've become subhuman because of your beliefs, lifestyle, or any number of personal choices, how do you protect yourself? It is not simply shown through words or looks; sometimes the disdain is shown in physical violence. How do you fend for yourself when someone has been brought up believing that you are not even human, yourself?

A prime example of this is hate crime. A young man, bleeding from being beaten within inches of his life, takes in the coolness of the asphalt as relief from the swollen bruises on his broken face and ribs and hopes the group doesn't come back for more. All he wanted was to enjoy an evening with his partner: a nice restaurant, movie, and maybe a kiss. If only he’d left a little bit earlier, he wouldn't have run into the group of guys waiting outside the club for an unsuspecting victim.

In what world is it right to abuse someone for their personal behavior? An innocent person, while practicing taboo sexual practices, is not guilty of anything more than what he does in his own bedroom. Sure, he seems abnormal to the group of masculine, meat-heads that perpetrated the action of breaking his every bone. But he is no less human than the child whose disturbed father comes to him at night for pleasure. In fact, this may very well be the cause of such “sexual deviance” in many cases. However, regardless of his sexual preference, he is not some THING to be taught a lesson through thrown punches and fatal kicks. He is a human being, capable of love and compassion, unlike the perverted members of the group that caused him physical harm based on his personal choices.

We believe with every fiber of my being that hate crime is wrong; hatred turns good people into beasts. When a person acts out because of some deep-seated hatred of a lifestyle choice, religion, culture, race, etc., that person instantly loses his/her human rights. The law should take less time worrying about why the victim was attacked, and more time hunting down the pack of low life crap that has the nerve to torture another human being. We have seen this sort of thing in Civil Rights movements and even in the Holocaust. Why don’t we do something to defend people? Do you know, in the Bible, God had to spread everyone out because we were working together TOO WELL? The reason we have different races and languages is because if we all spoke the same language, we would all be working together to obtain supreme power. Ha! So why not take some time to get to know your brothers and sisters in humanity, rather than hating them for something you don’t agree with. Christians are taught to “hate the sin, love the sinner.” Basically, from what we understand, this means that you don’t have to partake or even approve of the choices others make; instead, make an example of how you think he/she should live by showing that person love and compassion. It is much more complicated than that, we're sure, but for all intents and purposes, it sounds more manageable. So, maybe next time you see a behavior you don’t like, maybe a beggar on the street, don’t be hateful towards the person. Rather, figure out what would motivate this person to change: in the beggar’s case, you could offer him/her some PB and bread instead of money.

Well, that is all we have to say about that.

Happy pooping, friends. Hope you have a great day!

The Cave of VaChina and The One-Eyed Dragon Series (Part I)

2012-09-30T12:45:00.001-07:00

Once upon a time, there was a cave nestled at the bottom of the valley of VaChina, enclosed by two voluptuous hills, full of mystical wonders. Inside the cave, lived a miserly old witch that the villagers had unceremoniously named Ursula. In the cave, Ursula hid her wealth of jewels and riches from the distant village dwellers. When it rained one of the seven days out of a month known for showers, there would be a flood through the cave, often picking up rubies and depositing them on the shores of other lands. The witch was very cranky during these monsoons, casting evil curses on anyone daring to come close enough to tempt her anger.
In the village lived a handsome, dark stranger named Claudius who worked in the mines, bringing great wealth to his people. All the ladies adored him, but there was a sense of danger engulfing his character. Inside his cottage, he kept many dark secrets, letting very little of his true power be known. His strong personality and mysterious behavior left every woman he came in contact with longing to know more. But he was never interested in the glances from the females; he was more concerned in the science and philosophical aspects of life. Little did his people know, he owned a wandering one-eyed dragon, which he had named Zeus. Zeus was his pet by many terms of the definition, but you could not tame something as wild as a fire-breathing beast. Often, he would stroke it, longing for a woman who could appreciate the pet's beauty and mystic powers.
It was no wonder, then, that the young Claudius happened to stumble upon the cave of VaChina during one of the seasonal rainy days. Having been searching for the origin of the famed blood red rubies, he followed the advice of the village Elder. He traveled the swollen hills of VaChina, crossing into the fertile valley, til he came upon the witch, Urusla, along the river outlining the cave's entrance, catching her off guard. Her blue eyes, reflecting the river's rage from several day's worth of rain, captivated him. As she turned to flee, he called to her, "Ma'am! Where are you going? Don't be startled."
She turned, glancing at his dirty hands and rugged jaw. "You ought not be here. This is my territory. Go home! Danger awaits you if you remain."
"I seek the cave of VaChina, where I have heard many treasures are hidden. Might you direct me to the cave before you run off," he replied, ignoring her warning.
"No! Go away! The cave which you seek is my own. If you do not leave at once, I shall be forced to cast a heinous curse upon you and your family." Ursula, unusually perturbed by this young man, turned once more to hide away.
"Alright. Then, I shall return tomorrow. Hopefully, your demeanor will be much improved with a change in weather." With that, he strode off back home. But he only made it as far as the hills before he had to make camp with nightfall.

Call Me Big Poppa

2012-09-29T23:04:00.000-07:00

Since Halloween is only a month away (yes, we're excited), we decided to visit our local haunted house. This was a special occasion since my other half has never experienced the thrill of people getting their jollies off by scaring people with trash cans and sticks. After much coaxing on my other half's behalf I finally convinced her to go. To accomplish this I had to make many promises that people would not touch us, nor would we encounter any free range rodents.

Our journey begins after we ventured into Petco to buy an overpriced Elizabethan inspired cone so our dog would leave his ass alone. We left after our nutritious dinner consisting of water and chocolate cupcakes (gotta keep up our figures) and arrived around 7:15 pm to our final destination... muahaha!!! After buying our half priced tickets we proceed into the holding area where we were forced to watch "Army of Darkness". We attempted to procure some chairs, but every time a pair became available our indecisiveness allowed people to get them before we could. Finally, our letter was called and we descended into darkness until we were asked to stop by a white disposal can (maybe that's where they throw away the dead bodies). We were then given the ground rules and told to follow the paved road, somewhat resembling a gruesome version the yellow brick road.

Since we were first in line, we lead a group of 50+ people into a smokey trail of doom. Also, as the leaders we were the first to encounter the trash can beater, in which he successfully received a yelp from me and my other half. Then we entered into a maze of hanging dead bodies and maniacs with a desire for blood...our blood. The problem was you can't scare someone who has a big goofy smile on their face. Because of our maniacal smiles they were more scared of us than we were of them, so they passed us by for easier prey. We made it through the maze quite easily by holding hands; until a horrific incident happened involving my other half's ear being accidentally raped by an actors tongue causing her to have a semi-orgasm.

Now came the walk through the woods, in which we had to ask several employee's how to get there. When we finally made it to the entrance gate as we were being given our next set of directions, one of the mentally unstable actors crossed the boundaries of personal space for an extended amount of time...and just all around being creepy. Then off we led our new set of troops into the woods of the unknown. Mostly it was just dark and hard to see when someone would jump out at us. But that didn't stop our troop from screaming when the guy crawled out from under the bus, causing us to almost kick him. Next we came upon a hanging where we were asked if we would like to volunteer to be next "little girls" and I replied "only if I can call you big poppa" and i'm still not sure if he heard it, but it made us giggle causing our group to respond by saying "why aren't they screaming?" The woods were pretty clear after that, until we got to what appeared to be a random corner of a wall, where a man jumped out and ended up coincidentally sticking his groin right in my perfectly cupped hand. After apologizing profusely for sexually assaulting him, we proceed blindly onto a bridge to a house where they had apparently not paid the utilities. Not only was it smelly, it was very dark and damp. Not to mention, the painters were obviously geographically challenged. The arrows pointing us where we needed to go were backwards, so my other half called out "Which way do we go?" to which a ghoul replied "the opposite way of the arrows." Little did he know the last arrow led to a wall. However, a man in a white coat was quick to show us the correct way, while maintaining his terrifying facade. Upon exiting, we found ourselves faced with a guy who gave us a half-hearted growl (which we scolded him for), and we entered the carnival of birthing. We were ushered into dark, plastic wrapped slide, where we had no idea what we were supposed to do and I got stuck because my burlap sack came out from under me. To reposition myself, I had to situate myself in the birthing position, like I was being examined by the damned vaginacologist! What the hell? So, here I am, squatted on the slide while people are walking up the stairs next to the slide and my other half is flying past me, probably wondering why I'm just sitting in the middle of the slide. And you know what made it worse? After my semi- exam, we were directed into a big top maze where I was assaulted by clowns! My biggest fear, imagine that! Luckily, it didn't take long before me and my fellow leader found our way out. Of course, we were directly pushed through what can only be described as a white, blood stained, birthing canal, full of air and lots of people. It was quite awkward, to say the least.

Overall, the experience was unforgettable, and we have determined that going again this year is a priority. We may take more people, though. The best part was the factory simply because the layout was better. The actors were much more convincing, other than a few who made unnatural noises that were not so much scary as sexual. One thing I would suggest all haunted houses take into consideration is that your guests probably don't know which way to go. The directions should be pretty clear, or you should have a guide to direct them. Also, having a portion outside, you should consider your guest's safety. There are a lot of tripping hazards in the dark, so make sure you clear it out very well. We had such a great time, though! It wore us out, so now it is bed time, because we are getting to be old grandmas. The smallest amount of excitement kills our stamina like Raid kills roaches.

Happy pooping, all. And to all a good night.

Happy haunting. MUAHAHAHA!

Warning: This May Contain Offensive Material

2012-09-29T09:40:00.000-07:00

If you are a homosexual sociopath, don't read this. My intention is not to offend.

                Let me begin by stating that I hate no one, and this is not a reflection on my other half (just me). This blog post is not to discuss my political views on either the subject of sociopaths or homosexuals; although, I fear, at some points it may be necessary. Maybe I should just start off by assuring you that I once had a homosexual affair? Ok, so now that the cat's out of the bag, so to speak, let's begin this post.
               My S.O. has told me he wants kids. Normally, women our age are jumping at the chance to pop one of those cute little bundles of shit out. Not me! Do you want to know my biggest fear as far as babies go? I'll tell you. It isn't that he/she may come out mentally handicapped, or even physically handicapped. I think I could handle either of those scenarios; perhaps not with ease, but with help, surely. No. My biggest fear is that my baby will exit the womb a homosexual sociopath. It doesn't help that his/her mother has a deep set attraction to the female body. Nor does it help that his/her mother enjoys some incidents of pain. Maybe I'm being melodramatic, right? I mean, everyone enjoys a little pain, correct? It's what lets us know we are living. But still. The thought lingers in my skull like a fly hovers over a roadkill carcass.
                 So the implications of this fear suggest a sort of homophobism. This is not true, at all, though. I am not afraid my child will be homosexual. I am afraid of the conflict that comes with the child being homosexual, knowing that both my S.O.'s and my own family might not accept that in their own grandchild. I don't even know that I would accept it. More likely, I would just ignore it. I don't like sticky situations, so it might come to my child and I never discussing it, making things worse. But, over all, I think I could handle the homosexual possibility. The added sociopath part is where my deepest concern lies. What does a homosexual sociopath entail? I mean, what is the worst that could happen? Well, my own mental depiction goes something like this:
              It is a dark and foggy night in London. The streets are empty save for the yellow streaks of moonlight and deep shadows looming in the alleyways. A man (or woman) leans against the corner of an abandoned brick loft, just out of the pool of light cast by a lone street lamp. Then you hear the click, click of someone's shoes approaching. From the sound of their footfalls, it can be assumed that the person is in a hurry. The streetlight catches the man/woman's figure. He/she is not a particularly handsome person, but he/she will do for the night. He/she carries a leather briefcase, wears a finely pressed pantsuit, hugging his/her figure to perfection.

The man (or woman) hiding in the shadows takes this person's inattentive behavior as a moment of truth. "This is the one." He/she follows the unsuspecting victim for a block. The mist is rising off the street, as the asphalt warms the cool night air. Vic (the abbreviated form of victim, given to the man or woman soon to be overtaken) stops to light up a cigarette. "Wonderful timing!" He/she slips his/her arm around Vic's neck and places a hand over his/her mouth,then drags Vic into the alleyway. Taking the cigarette, he/she takes pleasure in placing the cherry against Vic's polished skin. Vic yelps, giving my son/daughter a tingly warm feeling in his/her loins, causing him/her to do the Hannibal Lector "sipping sound."

(Courtesy of watching too many movies.)

Ok, so you get the picture. It doesn't end well. :( See why it is so difficult for me to want to have children?? Is this a totally insane thought; have I just read too many Mary Higgins Clark and James Patterson novels? Or is this a legit fear? I mean, it'd be one thing if it were one or the other. Of course, the sociopath part in itself is just plain scary! So why does my mind put the two together? I honestly hope this doesn't offend anyone. I am not making this fear up, and I am certainly not lying that I have no fear of my child being simply homosexual. But the two together just seems terrifying. Maybe I am the one that needs help.
Another example of Google's ineptitude: I Googled homosexual sociopath, and this image was among the top ten.

Scary, right?

I Have An Ice Cream In My Pocket...

2012-09-26T13:40:00.003-07:00

In life, it is important to set goals for yourself so as not to become bored with life or acquire a melancholy disposition. In setting these goals you should remember to keep them flexible, but you should also make them to your own standards. It is never good to have goals set too low for your own life because then you aren't really achieving anything; however, setting the goals too high can lead to disappointment and pain. Here, I have compiled a list of my other half and my common goals. Hopefully, you will find it not only enlightening, but useful for setting your own goals.

Goal 1: Get a fabulous job. While professional blogging seems to be a natural choice for us, because we’re so damned good at it, other career paths seem more lucrative considering our master skills. I’m sure we can continue the blog even after we find jobs that cater to our abilities more thoroughly, since you guys just love our blog so much. I mean, we are already at a whopping THREE followers! That is just INCREDIBLE! Keep up the good feedback, friends. Really, you guys are our life. However, healthcare seems to be more of a common theme in our friendship. Both of us enjoy helping people, and making money. Maybe we will own an institute for psychiatric patients, one day. We can trick it out at Halloween and invite all of the high schools in our area to come tour it…in the dark!

Goal 2: Marry men…separate men. Yes, I do realize that we come off a little strong with our “other half” stuff. And while most men can’t handle women that know exactly what they want in life, we’ve had some luck with the dating scene. There was that one guy that honked his horn at us while we were crossing the street, on a “do not cross” signal. That’s always a good sign, right? We definitely want the men to be separate, unless they are conjoined twins. That would be really interesting. Then my other half would have to take my advice and move in with me and my husband as our “later-to-be nanny”! How exciting! Of course, I did offer her and her S.O. a suite of their own, and that’d be rather difficult to do with a conjoined husband twin. Well, needless to say, we’re still looking. And that brings us to the next goal.

Goal 3: Move out of Mom’s basement. The rent is fantastic here, but we sure would like some privacy. Mom likes to barge in on blogging time with milk and cookies. NOT ACCEPTABLE! A sense of privacy is conducive for an uprising blog (seriously, nearly 400 views in 3 months). Also, we will have the utmost comfort at our new place(s) because we can sit around in our “slumber party attire.” Who wouldn’t want that?

Goal 4: Learn a new language. This is my favorite because, well, I chose it. Learning new phrases in other languages is very important. One very common phrase I have picked up over the years is “Me tango un gelado en mi bosillo” which, translated, becomes “I have an ice cream in my pocket.” You never know when you might need that one on hand when visiting Mexico. Also, I’d like to learn “where is the lion going” in Hungarian. All kinds of common phrases you might need in other countries would be useful. So maybe this goal is changing as we speak. This goal has now become Learn new phrases in another language. There are plenty of uses for that. Next thing you know, we may find our next career path is interpreting for royal ambassadors visiting the U.S.A. Never know!

Goal 5: Own a helicopter. If we owned a heli, do you know how easy it would be to get to our goal jobs every day? Well, let me assure you it would be easy; especially if it’s with a hospital. Then we could land on the roof and take the elevator/ hovercraft to our desired floor! Not to mention the travel potential. You know what? Scratch this goal. We want a JET!

Goal 6: Travel to majestic places in our Jet...like New Jersey! No, just kidding. We have a desire deep in our loins to travel this beautiful world. I think the correct term is wanderlust. Like a colon impacted with poop, we are stuffed full of wanderlust. Our dream is to pack up a 60's VW van and travel until our little our hearts are content. Or at least, our bellies are full of new foods.

Goal 7: Have kids. Well, my other half wants to have kids. Not me. Well, I take that back. I will take kids, but for the simple fact that I want to own the world one day and “tengo en mi bosillo.” What better way to achieve this goal of world domination than to have little mini me’s running around? Of course, they’d probably gain my S.O.’s unfaltering good nature. Damn! Ok, so the best reason for each of us to have 10 children, other than having things to do our laundry and cooking FOR us, is that we can have them hang out and become close friends like we are. THEN WE TAKE OVER THE WORLD!!

So as you can see, goals can change in an instant. Goals are tangible, and are only meant to reflect your personal self, not what others expect of you. Of course, you may disagree. That’s the whole point of this blog, though: to show that everyone has a different opinion. This post shows that everyone has different goals. You probably won’t have similar goals to us, like Owning a Jet. What would YOU need a jet for? You’re not going to rule the world, so a simple hatchback will suffice for you.

To Be A Winner

2012-09-11T19:32:00.001-07:00

For those of you graduating soon, this is a little advice from experience

      With the economy being a Debbie Downer, it is important to keep your head held high and your goals set lower. Students graduating college seem to think that with a bachelor's degree comes a 5 or even 6 figure salary. Reality check says...ERH! No. There are way too few jobs out there for you to come out smelling like roses. If you don't want to put a little hard work in the mix, you probably won't get very far, unless you are just that smart. Even if you do make it by being smart, typically, lazy people don't last long. The way to get to the salary you want, with a degree, is to follow this simple process.
       First, you must stay positive about yourself. With an influx of negative emails regarding your recent applications, you may start to feel like you are not as good as what you originally thought. Of course, you'd be right if you thought you were just going to step off the train and land on the tracks. No, what do you do first when you get off a train? You step onto the loading platform, right? Same thing with finding a job. You are still just as smart and good at what you do, you're just applying to the wrong places or for the wrong type of job.
        Secondly, you have to lower your expectations. If you go in thinking you are a big shot, they are going to turn you down as soon as they see that you have no professional work experience. If somehow you do have professional work experience, then you are doing better than most; this paragraph does not necessarily apply to you. For the majority of us spoiled college kids, that never even got an internship because we just wanted to get through school, well, you can't expect to get the mid-level position...or hardly even the entry-level position.
         This brings me to the next thing, if you can find one that caters to graduates as well as undergrads, try for an internship, not necessarily within your field. Just apply for some that apply to you. That will give you some viable work experience as well as allowing you to form a connection. Job shadowing, volunteer work, fellowships, etc. are all good ways of gaining experience as well. However, I am going to tell you the best way to get in without all of that. Some of us just don't make it in time for these type things. While I do suggest going for the volunteer work no matter what you do (any long gaps in unemployment tend to look bad on yourself), I definitely think you should just work your way up. Aside from getting a higher degree (costing you way more money), this seems to be the best option. Don't go into an application thinking you will get the high paid job. Just go for the desk job that requires you to be around the people you want to work for. There will be plenty of opportunity for you to advance within the company. If there isn't, then you probably don't want to work for them, anyways.

Don't Be Discouraged

2012-09-07T12:38:00.000-07:00

Forty-year-old virgins, this post is for you!

We were watching Taboo last night, and the featured man was a forty-year-old virgin. From what he said, it all began when he was young. He was a virtuous believer in Jesus Christ, and followed his church's desire to be abstinent until marriage. It was even said that he and his friends were proud of their virginity and often bragged about it. As he got older, he dumped the church, but he wasn't able to recover his sexuality. To conquer his fear of sexual beings, he went to a strip club. It caused him such great discomfort that he fled from the dark, dank space, and had to seek counseling. This man's predicament got me thinking. If you want to conquer your fear of a woman's body, you should not go out in public to do so. The strip club is not the best place to find a woman who will help you. Well, she may help you, but it may be more traumatic than helpful. I decided that the best way for a terrified virgin to get his/her cherry popped is to find someone willing to assist with that, patiently.
In life, it is important to find a sex partner who is patient and eager to please. It is especially important when you are a virgin. The thing is, sex is just being constantly tossed in our faces by media. It's no wonder virgins feel afraid to try it for the first time. There is constantly some new sex tip being advertised. What if you aren't good in bed?? Don't worry about that! Just find someone who is willing to work with you on finding what you're good at in bed. Someone that is willing to do what ever it takes to get you out of your shell and into the sheets. Once you find someone that you can trust, that appreciates you for more than your body and sex appeal, you will be more open to learning the tricks of the trade.

Make sex a fun adventure. It's not a walk in a dark, scary wood. I mean...not from personal experience. Don't be afraid of the monsters in the bed, because once you find that special someone, your tugbug or rubtub is in for a real treat! Sex can be such a wonderful experience your first time, if you take it slow. If your partner is trying to rush you into having sex and you aren't ready, it's going to be less than fun.
Another thing I noticed from Taboo, the guy went on a speed date, and he asked every girl if she would have sex with him if she knew he was a virgin. Ok, the error was mentioning sex on the first date. I assure you that as soon as the word "sex" was mentioned, the girl tuned everything else out. Then, she started over analyzing why he asked about "sex." "What would we do on the second date?" "He must not be interested in my personality." It is a sure way to get turned down, guys. Now, as for women, you don't have to worry about that. If you mention that you are a virgin, I guarantee that the likelihood of your speed date thinking, "Yes, I can fix that for you ;)" is very high. It's not true for all guys, but don't hold your breath for the one that thinks, "She's not interested in my personality. I'm out of here." However, it's best to avoid this predicament because you may get someone who expects sex from you. If you are a terrified virgin, you don't want this situation; it will mean he may lose interest when you explain that you said, "I need someone patient because I am afraid to have sex." See the dilemma?

You also don't want to find a partner that wants to experiment, so purchasing services from an unknown source is not a good idea. I know, I know. It sounds like a good idea. If you are interested in doing it anon. you probably should try phone sex, first. If you get an actual person to come to your house, it's probably going to end up kinky. Too kinky when you don't know what you're doing. It's safe to say it's better to steer away from services you have to pay for. However, if you are determined, there are sites out there for people with special needs in the bedroom. Just try Google; I'm not going to bother searching them for you. My vote is consistently with finding someone who loves you enough to take good care of your body. ;)
This may not be this best advice blog you have read. It wasn't supposed to be. Just know that you are not alone. If you need someone, you can always use yahoo chat. There are tons of inexperienced sex perverts on there that would love to give you a slow strip tease. And another plus is if you can't stand it, you can just exit out of the window!! But anyways, just try to stay positive. When it is time for you to relinquish your body to a lover, you will know. It will hit you like it hit Steve Carell in that movie "40- year-old Virgin," which is where I got most of my information for this blog...aside from last night's episode of Taboo. Hope you have gained some insight from us, as well. At least, I hope you enjoyed reading. Happy Pooping, you guys!

The Closer Than Close Friendship

2012-09-06T13:31:00.002-07:00

You know that friend that you have done so much stupid stuff with, you just can't imagine not being friends with her/him? Well, we have a story that trumps all stupid stories, ever. I'm pretty sure this constitutes as a crime it was so stupid. The beginning of this post will be slightly scary, so bear with us. At the end, we will give you a shot of "feel good" juice.
   The first year that we met, we became very close friends; but not in the usual sense. We didn't bond over simple things like barbie dolls and cute shoes. NO, we were forced together through a series of events that took place over a single evening in our lives. So, New Year's Eve rolled around. This is a big holiday for college students. It gives them the necessary means to party, including friends with alcohol. There were two parties we were invited to, by two totally different types of people. We had no way of knowing what lay ahead.
   The first party was a typical family type party, where the strongest drink available was Pinot Grigio...which we were banned from touching due to events at a party a few months earlier that provided uncomfortable snuggle partners and the mocking of a porcelain Santa ornament as we passed out. Besides, we were planning on driving an hour to drop in at the second party, that would later bring us closer than ever imagined. The games at the first party were easy going, but the girls were in "bitch" mode (presumably because their boyfriends found us more interesting), so we ended up leaving earlier than planned. But not before we consumed some delicious chili and chicken sandwiches.
   On our way to the second party, we partook in some exciting road trip music and dancing. And of course, we made road trip videos to catalog our trip, after all this was a memorable night. Not before calling our mom, who told us "don't do anything stupid...like drinking and driving." Once more, we were on the road again! We saw several cop cars interspersed; we even passed through a road block. The cop did not seem too concerned as to why two college kids were driving an hour away from the address listed on my driver's license. Nothing suspicious about that at all.
   We arrived at the second party, unscathed, and beer-less. The host was very generous, though considering our lack of bearing any fun juice. As soon as we walked in, she asked if she could make us a mixed vodka drink. We were obliged to accept, since we were planning on staying overnight, as per Mom's instructions. Once we got the first drink in our systems, we braved the party-goers and the rest of the night came easily. An invitation was extended to us to participate in a friendly game of beer pong. I remember drinking most of the beers due to my other half beating the shit out of me, but I could be wrong. After the first round, I was in desperate need of a sit down, and so was my other half.
   I decided to step outside for some fresh air, and also down some cancer sticks with friends. We sat on the porch swing and watched more and more drunk people pour in...all of this as the beer pong went to our head. My other half clumsily joined us on the porch to express her love for anything that was in sight. There were words exchanged with several guys, and a second round of drinks were brought to us on the porch. Nothing was unusual. However, when we went back inside approximately an hour later, things were getting very hazy. The last thing I remember was watching an exciting game of waterfall, when suddenly, I was being lifted off the couch. I puked vodka and orange soda all down the front of the host's outfit. Needless, to say she was not happy. She left me in her cousin's care; he washed me up and got me in some extra clothes he had at the house, then laid me on a mattress in the guest bedroom. My other half soon followed with the assistance of a few men. We were both in and out of what we were later told was called alcohol black outs.
    The next morning, we were awakened by glaring sunlight coming from a window behind our heads. We looked at each other in horror over the host's cousin's head, who had apparently fallen asleep between us. You know how people joke about finding their child has pooped on the walls, and they are struck with terror as they look along every surface of the bathroom to find feces? Well, we had a similar reaction as we discovered there was chunks of chili colored throw up on the walls around the bed, as well as on the carpet. Imagine Linda Blair...times ten. Very disgusting I know. Also, turns out there was not just one guy in the bed, there were two! And not the attractive kind, but the kind you would rather chew your arm off rather than wake them. We had fit four people in a full size bed. Due to the crowded bed, my poor other half awoke to find her body pressed against this puke covered wall.
We got up and put clothes on; then, we proceeded to the bathroom for a short clean up before making our exit. However, as we crossed the hallway to the bathroom, we realized it would be impossible to make our escape without the host knowing. We got cleaned up and went to the living room where the host was cleaning up other people's mess. She gave us a brief description of what happened during our blackout:
   Apparently, what happened was we were laid on the guest mattress and given a throw up can...but not before my other half fought the people dragging us to the bedroom, causing her to break a glass coffee table and rip a socket out of the wall with her leg (yes, the leg was cut up pretty badly). After we were put in cleanish clothes and laid in bed, our help left. When someone returned to check on us, we had thrown up all over the bed, and were basically rolling around in chili vomit. Remember, we are blacked out, so we have no idea what is going on. The next time the help returns, we have a male in the bed, passed out next to us, and I am using him as a body pillow. The guest mattress being the only other bed in a quiet room left, the help gets in the bed too. That night, we ended up ruining a living room area rug, a glass coffee table, a power outlet, a bathroom rug, and several pairs of clothes, plus the sheets we slept on. Needless to say, we tried to help out with some of the cleaning, but we were pretty much useless because we were feeling very drugged.
I'd like to pose the question that we have had for some time about this party. Now, we didn't really drink that much compared to what we had drank before, so why did we feel so drunk so quickly? There were several party-goers there with drugs on them, though the host denies it. We have a strong feeling that we were drugged at some point during the night. But to make matters easier to live with, we will just say we got wasted.

Why Do You Need These?

2012-09-06T12:04:00.000-07:00

A list of products that don't make sense...

I chose this image, especially, because it adequately summarizes the real purpose behind the shake weight. A man must have designed this for amusement purposes. Ok, so I understand wanting to tone up that excess arm flab. That's totally legit. However, why go spend $20 on a product that you can get for free? If you haven't picked up on my meaning, I'll lay it out there for you. The Shake Weight is probably the most R rated product I have ever seen. It looks like you are practicing for a career in hand jobs. Please, if you buy a Shake Weight, don't do what this poor woman has done; just stay behind closed doors, and save your pride, ladies and gentlemen.

This just seems desperate. Who on Earth is going to see you with this towel wrapped around your midsection? I suppose if you are at the gym showers, or prison. Somehow, I fail to see the likelihood of your gym pals thinking, "Gosh, that guy sure is hilarious!" More likely, they will think "that's probably the only action that guy is getting. PAHAHAHAHA!!"

Well, ladies, I just don't think this one deserves much of an explanation. Whoever came up with this is obviously not getting laid. Wearing a thong is supposed to be about sex appeal, so if you are wearing a diaper along with that sexy black lace piece of string, you should go ahead and forget about the date you have lined up for that night. As if pads weren't uncomfortable enough, this product makes them even more uncomfortable by placing them on the one piece of underwear that is known to cause massive wedgies, internationally....Take that Mother Nature. Seriously, just wear a damn tampon, and stop with the madness!

This woman is obviously practicing her camouflage skills. Perhaps for the Hunger Games? Zebra stripes do not make you look mysterious. Rather, you look like you are preparing for a jungle safari. No, but really. When did it ever become so difficult to put on eye shadow that women needed fake tattoos to feel beautiful? If you are going to choose to purchase these ungodly lazy products, please keep it in a natural hue. I'm willing to bet that getting those stickers on just perfectly takes a lot of trial and error...error that I, for one, am not willing to make.

Check out how EASILY this thing cracks that egg. As if it was so difficult to crack an egg. Please. If you don't know how to crack an egg without this device, you shouldn't be cooking. Think about all the time you would waste getting the egg into that...that...contraption! It looks like a torture device!

This is one of my favorite useless products. I saw them for the first time on Jack Nicholson in "The Bucket List." You can read while laying flat! Not like it was impossible to do that before these glasses were invented. Maybe these are for paralysis patients? Her posture looks very uncomfortable. I can't imagine reading laying down would be any more comfortable than propping yourself up on some fluffy pillows. You know, they invented a pillow just for that? The study buddy...truly an ingenious invention.

This looks very uncomfortable for the animal, does it not? Just imagine how you would feel if a plastic bag was tied to your anus. While it does seem infinitely better than having to pick up wet dog poop with a plastic bag and your hand, I can't see the appeal of having to walk my dog with a plastic bag tied to his butt. Must be humiliating for both parties. It sort of looks like an accident waiting to happen, anyways. I have to wonder if removing the bag after fill up is as easy as they make it sound.

I threw this in the mix just for shits and giggles. It must be the male version of the Shake Weight. Really...just look at the guy on the left's concentration! He is VERY motivated. ;)

This is for you big busted men and women. For a peaceful night's sleep, you just place this bad boy directly between your cleavage. Imagine, if you will, you are laying next to your loved one, preparing for a restful sleep with your titty buddy in place. What a lovely picture. If the shape wasn't bad enough, I'm sure the pinching from the plastic will surely get you down. As a well endowed woman, I can ensure you that sleeping on your side is not as painful as having a plastic cylindrical object between your boobs.

This one tops the cake, surely. That baby definitely DOES NOT look like he/she is suffocating. Mom's snuggie fits snugly around baby's head, providing both mother and child a warm surrounding. This is the perfect product for taking walks on crisp winter mornings, allowing Mom to take her baby with her everywhere: the park, the grocery store, the mall, the strip club, ice fishing, everywhere! Just look how happy your baby will be. :)

Ok, that sums this blog up, for now. If you have seen interesting, unusual, lazy, ridiculous products, please share them with us! We'd love to give you some commentary. I do want to apologize if this blog offended any one. It was not intended to be offensive, only humorous. Please, keep an open mind when reading. Leave us some commentary, if you please! :) We appreciate our readers. Keep it real, and always happy pooping.

Swallow This Diction

2012-09-05T20:44:00.000-07:00

Lilly is an eccentric word person. She enjoys the taste on her tongue when certain words are issued between open mouths by pressing the tongue to the roof of the mouth and expelled from moistened lips. Word choice is everything when writing. The way to create an interesting sentence is by choosing words that feel right. Using placeholder words too often can create a journalistic feel, but using unnecessarily loaded words creates an arrogant tone.Tonight we give you an alphabetical list of words that are not used frequently but sound absolutely delicious.

Anomy- Alienation and purposelessness experienced by a person or a class as a result of a lack of standards, values, or ideals
Ballyhoo- Sensational or clamorous advertising or publicity
Creatress- She who creates
Deosculate- To kiss affectionately or warmly
Efflorescence- A bursting forth or flowering (but pathologically, a rash or eruption on the skin)
Fatiloquence- Telling of the future; soothsaying
Gyration- Circular or spiral motion
Humdinger- One that is extraordinary or remarkable
Iconodulist- A person who worships images
Jingoism- Extreme nationalism characterized especially by a belligerent foreign policy; chauvinistic patriotism
Kenesis- Movement or activity of an organism in response to a stimulus such as light
Lecherous- Given to excessive indulgence in sexual activity
Moiety- A share or portion
Nascence- A coming into being; birth
Opulence- Great abundance; wealth, affluence
Primordial- Being or happening first in sequence of time; original
Quirk- A peculiarity of behavior; an idiosyncrasy
Rhapsodic- Immoderately impassioned or enthusiastic; ecstatic
Sapid- Pleasing to the mind; engaging
Titillate- To stimulate by touching lightly; tickle
Undulation- A regular rising and falling or movement to alternating sides; movement in waves
Vulpine- Cunning; clever
Wanderlust- A very strong or irresistible impulse to travel
Xyster- A surgical instrument for scraping bones
Yearn- To have a strong, often melancholy desire
Zeal- The fervor or tireless devotion for a person, cause, or ideal and determination in its furtherance

And that concludes the sensuous list of words A through Z. Some were more difficult to find a climatic word, so please forgive the lack of drool stimulus. Hope you find a way to use these succulent words in every day happenings, just to feel them roll off your acquisitive tongues. Feel free to leave some of your own words as comments. :) Happy pooping, all.

True Love...

2012-09-03T14:01:00.000-07:00

It seems that every teenager around the world has the SAME idea of what true love is. I recently read a tweet regarding true love: "True love is when you shed a tear and still want him when that tear hits the ground" @damnitstrue. May I please just call bull shit on this one? I mean, seriously. Your love is based on the power of a single tear? Idiots. While I do agree that true love requires commitment, I fail to see the love in shedding a tear. Maybe if he is comforting you during a sad time...I don't know. I just fail to see the connection in true love and tears. Let's start off with my view of true love.
True love to me involves devotion to one another. It requires commitment in more meaningful ways than a single tear could account for. When one partner has lost sight of why he/she fell in love in the first place, the other must remind him/her by being supportive but firm. Ladies, if your man is saying you are fat and he wants a divorce...maybe you shed a tear, but you still want him. The sign of true love, though, is saying "well, you ain't exactly the icing on the cake, yourself. Maybe we can start working out together and see who is sexiest, then." It will give you something to bond over, and allow you to remember the team work involved in a functioning marriage. If your man says "I can't take this anymore," you ask "So you think you can take it with some other woman?" The goal is to make him realize he'll have to learn another woman's habits and live with her flaws just like he has with you. The best sign of true love, in my opinion, is just realizing that neither of you is perfect. Actually, it has been proven that everyone has his/her flaws. The goal in finding true love is to find someone who best compliments your own flaws. For instance, I found a guy who completes me by being understanding and patient...neither are qualities that I possess. Also, ladies, if you have low self esteem, don't go for the guys with the perfect bodies. Look for the nerdy guys who are desperate to find a great woman, not someone who looks like a super model and acts like the perfect house wife. Basically, don't set yourself up to fail. True love is about making sacrifices, also. Sometimes, your significant other may be the very person that provokes change in your lifestyle. Don't take this out of context. I am not saying in any way that you should search for someone that changes who you are. Rather, search for someone who makes you want to be a better person. It is one thing if he wants you to be a homemaker when you are obviously an independent, working woman; it is quite another if when you are with him, you feel like you need to quit smoking, or maybe be more understanding (as is my case). Sacrifice does not mean that you should give up your social life, but maybe change the amount of social life or type of social life. Don't put your guy in uncomfortable situations, but don't accept someone who doesn't fit your lifestyle at all. For example, if you are a very social person, and you enjoy going to big parties, don't settle for a guy who is overly shy or introverted. This seems like a great way to end your relationship quickly. True love is about being similar but completely different all at once. True love is about recognizing your differences and learning to cope with them appropriately. True love is about working things out when you know with others, you would just rather end things. But most importantly is recognizing the fact that you are a flawed human being, and knowing that your partner's flaws were something you decided you could live with.
Now, let's go back to the teenage fallacy of true love. True love is not about tears. True love is about sweat and perseverance. True love is not about who you want to have sex with...because for teens, that is just about everyone. Teenagers are scientifically proven to have a higher sex drive these days, so anything they write about true love should immediately be discounted to hormones and testosterone. Just use common sense when dealing with love. A tear drop is no way to measure love, in my opinion. Not everyone is the same, though, so it is important not to make generalizations. Therefore, do not take this blog as truth, just personal insight. However, I think it is safe to say that trusting teens' love quotes is a bad idea. haha! Anyways, that is all I have to say 'bout that.
Thank you for reading, and feel free to leave a comment.
Happy pooping! :)
Stay inappropriate.

Let's Talk Animals...

2012-08-31T13:17:00.000-07:00

There is a plethora of funny animal pictures on the internet, these days. You know what my favorite activity is? When I get bored and no one wants to entertain me, I turn to Google. I search "funny animal pictures without captions" (and of course Google gives me pictures WITH captions, but that's a different topic altogether), and I sit for hours laughing at the hilarious narrations in my head. So today, I think I will give you a taste of what goes on in my head when I see these awesome pictures!

http://thechive.files.wordpress.com/2009/03/a-cute-funny-animal-pictures-7.jpg
"You mean...I'm not a mermaid?? *sniffle* Take the cake away! I don't even want it."

"Oh mah gaaahd, Marty! I can't feel mah lips....where are they?!"

And here is an example of what Google gives me when I add "without captions." Silly Google :D
Now, let's discuss the different type of people in the world:
The Overachiever
"She said go get the ball...I found three others on the way."

The Underachiever:
We all know the type...the ones that sit on the computer all day and surf the web for funny animal pictures, but they can't even come up with an original caption! Case in point.

The Wealthy:
Takes everything in excess.
"Oh, yes, this is very good water you have in your village....Oh, this is the supply you use for the starving children's soup kitchen? My bad."

The Romantic:
The one that makes everyone else want to upchuck.
"Barry, I can't hold on much longer." "*whispers* Quiet!...My love, you are the most beautiful girl...you are a girl, right? Yes, good. A hamster could ask for! I want to gaze into your beady black eyes for the rest of my life...until we procreate and I find a new hamster woman. I love you so much!" "Oh, Barry! That's the sweetest thing anyone's ever said to me."

The Overly Religious:
"Dear LORD, I pray for the world right now with all the sinners! I ask for your forgiveness. I splurged on a pair of $10 sunglasses yesterday, and we all know gluttony is a sin. Also, I looked upon half naked pictures of Jeff Gordon last night, and I desired...I lusted for his body. Please have mercy on my soul!"

The Insane:
"Can I touch your ear with my tongue so I can taste your deepest thoughts?"

Ok, back to funny narrations! (Sorry, I ran out of people ideas, but I'll take suggestions in the forms of comments.)

"Hey, buddy. This is a zoo, not a photo shoot. Five pictures is plenty for the family vacation album. Geez, some people."

"Sir, Sir? Excuse me, sir? Could you let go of my face...you're hurting my nose."

Well, that concludes the funny animal narrations blog, for now. There will be more, I'm sure. Any ideas are welcome. :) We appreciate you reading our blog. Feel free to show some love...anytime...
Happy pooping! And remember, animals will always be funny, if you make them say funny things.

Blossoming Under Ice

2012-08-30T19:42:00.000-07:00

Ladies, we know how evil other women can be; not you, of course. Why are women so mean to one another? Really, this is an age old question. And every time I read a post about this subject, the answer is always the same. Everyone says "she's just jealous," but why would you assume that she's being mean because she is jealous? Maybe all women just have a problem with other women. Maybe it is a biological phenomenon. What if there is a hormone excreted every time you are around another woman that sends a shot of "straight bitch" through her veins? We don't actually have proof of this, but let's ponder the subject here. Keep an open mind.
While it may not be an actual hormone reaction, it may very well be how we are raised. Every woman knows that our goal in life is to find the perfect mate. This holds for all sexual orientations, just the connotation will differ. So you have millions of women going for thousands of men, or fewer women going for an even smaller amount of eligible women, right? Maybe our brains are trained to fight for the best significant other possible. Perhaps the reason we put other women down...I mean, the reason other women put you down is the fact that they are trying to lift themselves up to get the best partner. In a sense, this is jealousy at its most fundamental state, but it is not what many people consider a jealous woman. For instance, many people will tell you that if a girl calls you ugly, it's because she wishes she looked like you. The hypothesis we are presenting here is that she just wants others (mainly her partner in the cross-hairs) to find her prettier than you.
It is highly plausible that this hypothesis is accurate. For ages women have been playing this cat and mouse game where they treat the competition like animals. The presented hypothesis is based on the fact that most women grow up wanting children (or something to take care of). It is a scientific fact that men (that are attracted to women) are attracted to certain shaped women because it is a sign of childbearing ability; similarly, women want the best partner for child rearing. Instead of a "pissing contest," this display of feminine culture is a "bitch" fest. Putting others down is a woman's way of raising herself up... Darwin's survival of the fittest by fluffing the feathers. It is in essence, a mating ritual, in our opinion.
Thank you for reading our blog and don't be afraid to comment or follow us...trust us, we're flattered by your stalker tendencies.
Happy pooping. :)

Why Wal Mart is A Successful Monopoly

2012-08-05T18:51:00.000-07:00

Lately, many Americans have been feeling the pressure of rising costs on items such as gas, groceries, water, and decorative pillows. Items that one cannot do without have become increasingly unreachable as our economy goes along it's roller coaster path to depression. Now the question becomes, "where can we obtain these essentials for less?"
Wal mart's slogan has always been about saving us money, but how do they do it? Well if you consider other providers of items such as decorative pillows, you will notice that the items are less elaborate. What Wal Mart does is take out that middle step, completely. Even that extra two feet of thread increases the price of a decorative pillow a whopping five times! So for Anthropologie's $250 five palms pillow, Wal Mart has someone take out the silly tree design, and gives you a plain white pillow for under $20! Wow! And you know what is best about that plain, simple white pillow? You can afford to buy the materials to create your own design and paste it onto the pillow. Boom! That's what I call Saving money. Living happy.
Another popular commodity is the doormat. Now, for something that only serves to collect mud from the bottom of one's dirty sneakers, these little buggers cost quite a bit. At Bed, Bath, and Beyond, the $35 basket weave welcome mat may look super inviting. It may even trick you into buying it with it's promise of cleaner floors and shoes. But believe me when I say Wal Mart offers you the same rug for a full $5 less. Can't beat that price!
What about on the gasoline front? Well, Wal Mart offers their customers the 10 cents- a- gallon savings at participating gas stations. What a deal! That's like saving $2 dollars at the pump every time you fill up. And you know what you can spend that $2 on? A new decorative pillow! At Wal Mart.
Now consider your grocery bill. Say you are married with 2 kids. Well, at some grocery stores, even the store brand is more expensive than some of the name brand products. For those of you that shop at stores like this, you should definitely consider buying from Wal Mart. They claim to have locally grown fruit and veggies. Of course, by local, they probably mean within this great country. I know one thing for sure, the Great Value brand of Kool-Aid is about 12 cents cheaper. And Ramen noodles are even cheaper when bought from Wally World. Seriously, think of all the money you can save by shopping at Wal Mart.
Not to mention, there is one conveniently located in most cities. If there isn't one in your city, you should write the Wal Mart corporation, and see how fast they stick one of those Wal Mart Marketplaces in the middle of your peaceful suburban area. Watch the streets crowd with cars on Saturdays as people hurry in to catch some of those promised Low prices. Always. It's such a beautiful sight. And people wonder why Wal Mart is so successful. Well, not us! We shop strictly at our favorite local super center. This concludes our session on Wal Mart's monopoly on the finer items in life.
Happy pooping.

Behind Closed Doors

2012-07-29T12:56:00.000-07:00

Not all women are the same. Some of us possess qualities that others do not, such as sensitivity, style, fragile dispositions, etc. These are all traits that are very relative to the person's general personality. So here, we will be discussing some common myths about women. Though we have no scientific evidence that the following statements are true, we are both women, so our gender trumps all else.

First myth: Women are never uncouth.This is the least true statement a man could make. Women are just as foul, if not more so, than men. We just have the good sense to save our vile language for behind closed doors. One thing you learn from being a lady is to never express distaste publicly without disguising your words. For example, in the South, a common expression for "That bitch is pathetic" is "Bless her heart." As you can see, the second phrase is a much nicer way to say the former. But when the guards are down, and there are no other women to impress, we simply revert to insulting her in whatever jargon we choose.
Second myth: Women have sleep overs in their underwear and partake in pillow fights. Now, part of this statement is very true. The sentiment behind it is not. Yes, we do enjoy sitting around in our underwear; however, it is not the way men currently think it is. In fact, it greatly resembles the way men sit around in their underwear. We may not have balls to scratch, but when a woman is lounging around in her undies with her girlfriends, it is not an attractive sight. It is certainly not like the movies, where the girls are clothed in thongs and lacy bras, laying in sexy positions. We usually have old t-shirts on with Homer Simpson on it, and panties with holes in them and period stains on them. As far as the pillow fights, the only time you hit another girl with your pillow is if she tries to snag the last piece of stuffed crust, supreme meat lover pizza, "bless her heart."
Third myth: Women don't like to eat a lot in front of men. Actually, if he's offering to pay, she's probably going to milk it til it's dry. Who would forfeit a free dinner?? If she is one of those ladies that doesn't eat a big meal on her man's budget, she probably ate a whole cow before attending the dinner. Or she has a five course meal lined up with five other gentlemen after you. "I'm just going to eat a salad for now," out loud, but in her head, "because I have to save room for my five other dates!" So be weary of these type women; they are the most dangerous to your heart. But women like us, we won't let you down. We'll eat the tastiest burger on the menu, without blinking an eye. And then when you take us home that night, we'll have plenty of time to think of how wonderful the date was because we won't be searching for more sustenance.
Fourth myth: Women enjoy wearing makeup. No. We do not. Some women greatly enjoy the process of covering their face up with mud and gook. But those are the deluded salad eaters of the world, who are trying to impress five different men. Most women, we would say, enjoy being appreciated for their natural self. The dark circles and blemishes, hairy legs and toes, no disguises. Because once you appreciate your woman for her natural self, you will learn to recognize the truly rare occasions when she wants to fuck your brains out. She will signal this by adding the correct amount of blush and eyeshadow, shaving her legs and armpits, and even trimming her nose hairs...all for you. She may even add a nice pair of underwear, not the sleepover kind.
Fifth myth: All women want relationships. Well, sometimes, we are just like you guys in the fact that we just need a good ole fashioned one night stand. We're not talking about the one night stand that turns into a relationship, nor are we talking about a literal one night stand. Sometimes we just need an hour, and no spending the night. Other times, it may turn into a month of one hours. Unless we SAY that you're in a relationship, it is safe to assume that you are being used for our pleasure. The best way to know if you are being used is if she never mentions marriage. Or children. Or if you don't hear from her unless she wants sex. If you only talk to her during the "heat of the moment," it's safe to say, you are just a fuddy. Needless to say, women do enjoy a gentle cuddle sometimes, so if she asks you to stay the night, don't be frightened. It does not mean you are in a relationship if you spend the night. It just means her a/c works too well. She will probably kick you out after breakfast, the breakfast that she asks you to procure.
Sixth myth: All women like to shop. Absolutely not! Going to the store knowing exactly what you want and buying said item does NOT count as shopping. Even that is an unpleasant experience for some. There are, of course, women who enjoy the thrill of being crushed between sweaty bodies, searching for the perfect pair of woolen socks, but not all of us are thrill seekers. Some of us don't even like socks! If your lady is dragging you around the mall, chances are, you are a trophy man. She just wants to show you off to all those other women who are OBVIOUSLY there to notice her, not to do any actual shopping. Most of us prefer to do our shopping from the computer, in the comfort of our period stained panties and Homer Simpson T's, eating a burger next to our fuddy.

There you have it. Six myths deconstructed for all of you misogynistic, stereotyping people out there. And others. Just remember, if she orders a salad, she's probably cheating on you; when she says she's sitting around in her undies, it's not a pretty sight; and if she doesn't call you unless she wants some booty, you're just a fuddy. Hope you enjoyed our mythbuster session.
To all a good afternoon, and as always, happy pooping!