Two Write Hands (and two left feet)

Shutting Down.

2009-05-20T11:37:53-04:00

I'm going to stop giving Typepad money I desperately need. I'm shutting down this blog. I thought the 30-day adventure was going to renew my interest, but...

Meh.

If you want to keep up with me, you can friend me on Facebook or follow me on Twitter or even email me at 2writehands@gmail.com. If I show up with another blog in the future (no promises), it'll be a free one.

Bye.

P.S.

To anyone thinking he might be off the hook regarding the truth: 2writehands.blogspot.com remains open. Posts about you have been saved. Don't fuck with me.

Not Keaton's Finest Moment, Either

2009-05-18T12:48:56-04:00

Sitting around yesterday watching Beetle Juice for the first time since third grade.

"Oh yeah. I forgot Alec Baldwin was in this movie," he says.

"That is him, isn't it." I squint a little at the television.

"Yep."

"Holy crap!"

Sah-weet.

2009-05-16T20:42:36-04:00

So, apparently it's customary for Cheeseheads to give people five-pound bags of refined sugar as gifts. I don't know why. I didn't ask. I just smiled, said thank you, left the bag on the side table, headed to Chick-Fil-A, and stopped to get groceries after supper.

Then I came home and found four and a half pounds of sugar all over the carpet and a dog with yummy white crystals stuck in his muzzle and paws.

"Taubensee? What the hell?" His tail was between his legs. His head was low. "Don't you know that stuff will kill you? I'm surprised you aren't in a sugar-induced coma right now," I admonished him while carrying in three bags of Swedish Fish, a box of Mike & Ikes, a bag of Starburst, and a box of Fla-Vor-Ice. Taubensee tilted his head a little to the left like dogs do when they don't understand.

"What?" I asked incredulously. "Do as I say."

Still Itchin'

2009-05-15T21:20:08-04:00

The Immutable Law of Head Lice

One phone call from a parent warning that a certain preschooler has head lice will make every adult head itch within a five-mile radius.

The first time I ever saw a louse was when I still worked in the office at the public elementary school about 4 years ago. The nurse asked if I knew what they looked like. Like I fool, I told her I didn't.

"Oh, well," she grabbed a plastic cup off her desk, "I just harvested this one from a student."

"Oh my god, that's..." I put my hand over my mouth. "Nurse Donna?"

"Yeah?"

"Would you mind giving my hair a quick check?"

I followed her into her office where a dozen teachers were chattering and scratching their heads. "Not at all," she said, "just get in line."

Had to get a post written before "The Office."

2009-05-14T19:42:45-04:00

The words weren't coming today. So I tried a new perspective. I sat upside down on the couch. You know, legs thrown over the back. The blood rushed to my head, but not the ideas. So I just thought about what happened today.

"Hey, Emily. You still looking for a roommate?"

"Uh. I don't know." I frowned a little. "I kind of like living alone."

"I understand. Just thought I'd ask. I know someone who's looking. And I thought maybe the five hundred dollars would help."

I choked. "Five hundred dollars?"

"Or whatever. I mean, I don't know..."

"Oh. Well. I don't think I'd charge that much. My house is full. I have room for the person, but not the person's stuff. More furniture is out of the question."

***

"Emily, I need to ask you a question. But you have to promise not to think any less of me."

I knew it was going to be a good one, so I stopped what I was doing and listened intently. "Heh. All right."

"Well, I'm missing a pair of pants."

Damn I wish I had better control of the muscles in my face. I really want to raise just one eyebrow. "Ummm...did you check lost and found?"

"Yes."

***

"I hear if you're anorexic enough, you stop having periods."

"Way to set goals, Emily. Eyes on the prize."