As a direct result, I can’t even bring myself to attempt some ‘witty,’ pseudo-news article about this. It just is what it is: garbage can in a giant hole in the middle of the road - the quintessential Philadelphia image.

 
 

 
They should bronze this and put it next to Rocky. It’s that perfect.

Clearly the only possible explanation for this treasure trove of goodness is as follows:
Apparently misunderstanding the point and practice of the oft celebrated easter “surprise” hunt, local ‘delphians scattered about the only resource not lacking in our beloved city: crap.
  

I’m sure the children enjoyed.

In a perfectly fitting Philadelphian ceremony, replete with guttural insults, sports references, fried food and four-letter vulgarities, the area’s highest holy-man, Cardinal Justin Rigali, christened Our Lady of the Trashcan.

In response to the unusual nature of the new icon, the Cardinal stated:
“We wanted to restore the community’s faith in the relevance of the Church. You know, make it a little more real to their existence. What’s more ‘Philadelphia’ than a defaced cultural icon? We have a history of those, you know?…” adding, “…plus there’s a shitload of trash all over this place. Seriously. A Shitload.”

Inspired by Philadelphia’s booming local entrepreneurial spirit and a desire to “get his hands dirty again,” local wunderkind ‘Honest Lou’ has left his Oxford position researching the role of medievalisms in contemporary society to pursue a much humbler path: opening his own ‘exteminater supply co.’

Congratulations, North Philadelphia.
Congratulations.

According to WHYY, who also reported on the event:
Police said the protesters [obviously, the d-bags protesting in the video] “became louder and also verbally abusive.” When…asked to leave, police said, [the protesters] tried to “push, shove and throw punches” at a police Civil Affairs sergeant…

This is somehow expected.
What other way would a true Philadelphian make themselves heard than punching a cop in the face, and, of course, when is the last time Philadelphia anything didn’t end in a huge fistfight?

GO EAGLES!

Camden’s Riverfront State Prison is set to close by June 30th of this year. According to Philly news sources the property is slated to be redeveloped and integrated into the newly family/tourist oriented Camden Riverfront.

Law enforcement unions in the area have a decidedly different take on the situation: as a result of the prison closing, more prisoners will be released into halfway houses and residential treatment facilities, a process which will ultimately lead to, apparently, AN AWESOME ALL-GUY DANCE PARTY WITH A GIANT DR. MOREAU-ESQUE HYBRID-FREAK ELEPHANT-MAN, DONKEY-HEAD WEIRDO THEME!

This shit looks off the chain!

** As a personal aside, my favorite part of this image, besides the extra-wide-stance guy on the right (see him?…right there…red shirt, sweatband on the wrist?) is the guy all the way in the back wearing a shirt that says “Crips.” HA!

 


 
Initially I though this was in keeping with the local citizens wanton littering: a clear sign of the area’s hatred for anything natural and/or beautiful, that apparently even the local weather was somehow in on.
Soon enough, I realized it must surely be a sign from god.
Leave now.
Philadelphia will destroy your tulips.
And soul.

 
Several beers.



 
Our confusion about the seeming inefficiencies of the Philadelphia postal system are now resolved.