The UK Malcontent

Google: the Mass Advertising Machine

2012-12-17T07:27:00.001+00:00

America prefers money to freedom.

Since its inception, Google has always 'kept it simple'. Streamlined user interfaces and fewer variables that get in your face -- so little to account for at so much power and ease of use. The code behind, however, is not. Google is a leviathan of AI (artificial intelligence) and could probably figure out how to program your old school VCR or what the question to answer '42' is, if you know how to properly refine a search string. It's advertising engine is no different. It quite diabolically crunches numbers/keywords so as it knows exactly what to sell you at what exact time.

So enter the evils of advertising into a company who boasts to "do no harm" and what do you have? Well, for a start we might well not need use a word as strong as evil to describe the advertising world/market, after all.

The internet, back in the early 90's, was tantamount to the wild west; a time where anything goes and lawlessness rode high in the saddle. Of course, the governments of the world -- particularly the American gov't -- have made their pledges to censor the internet, with varying degrees of success. Even before SOPA there were such antithetical movements as '24 Hours of Democracy' and so forth. So how does Google AdSense factor into all of this?

Well, for one, Google played the biggest hand in forging the internet as the marketplace for anything and everything. I would attest that the reason we have freedom on the internet to the extent that we do is part and parcel of the catch 22 that is freedom of speech in cyberspace. In short, Google makes the internet indispensable, and what makes the internet indispensable is freedom of speech.

What would Blogger and YouTube be without dissidents and dissidence? A hell of a lot more boring, for one. Imagine the kind of ennui we'd be living day-to-day if the internet were as dry and blasé as the BBC World Service or Fox News Channel. We may be sleeping with the enemy, but we still have control.

The control to express ourselves as we see fit, in a reasonable manner. Cyber bullying and despicable sex trades will always be a factor on the internet... but they have been factors in life long before the advent of social networking and email. There will never be a point to Orwellian control over anything or anyone; people who are truly intent on exploiting the system always find a way... instead the guys on the ground take the blows with nowhere to roll to. Think we can have an internet of unprecedented order? That'll hold about as true as having a noble war -- it'll hold about as much water a colander.

NRA Passes the Buck to the EPA

2012-12-15T17:05:00.001+00:00

RIP Charlton Heston: 1923 to NOT-SOON-ENOUGH

The face of the upper-middle class Connecticut was rocked, today, as a 20 year old gunman murdered his mother and slew over 20 constituents of Sandy Brook Elementary School, Newtown, CT. In light of the recent slaying, Obama wept and effectively almost lost his shit -- you would, too. Now calling for stricter gun legislations, the President of the USA was met with maleficent jocularity as NRA ombudsman, Wayne LaPierre, made a startling and sweeping statement to the press shortly after the hammer came down.

Mr. LaPierre told Fox News; "it simply should have happened, it's a travesty -- just still not as horrific as the looming threat to classrooms everywhere, much greater than black powder: asbestos!" Now trailing off mid-sentence, "In a sample taken in that very classroom, a state inspector found 1.74 parts per million of asbestos! In 40+ years those kids were looking at dying of cancer, anyway!"

LaPierre is petitioning the president, next week, to bear down on the EPA (Environmental Protection Agency) and make a formal inquest into the state of airborne carcinogenic particles in the atmosphere in public schools all across America. Needless to say, atmospheric pathogens are obviously a bigger health risk than guns, cigarettes and monosodium glutamate all rolled into one!

Wayne also stated that we need more religion in them thar schools. After all, if Jesus didn't want us to have guns, he would have turned all the worlds bullets into daisies. LaPierre stated, also, that 'keeping teenagers away from firearms is even worse than giving teenagers condoms -- there ain't no God in them Liberal Satanists enough to defend our lands from them British without assault rifles, hollow point bullets and mooooonshiiiiine!!'

Bravo, Wayne LaPierre, bravo...

How the Grinch Stole Christmas

2012-12-13T21:54:00.000+00:00

Sssh! Forget about Charlie Brown!

Beyond modern fables and Dr. Seuss, what do we have to learn from the Christmas season? Well, (1) it's expensive, (2) it's for children and (3) it's the most marketable time of year since Hallowe'en. Mattel, Hallmark, Sony and Haribo own the season -- all having equal shares.

We've got Mickey Mouse, we've got Peanuts and we've got the Grinch! All Christmas branding... and all as profitable for a single day a year as Facebook will be for an entire year of single days. But what happened to Santa and his elves? How about that portly bitch, Mrs. Claus? And of course, what happened to Jesus Christ? Wasn't it meant to be his birthday or something? Well, no, actually it was something the Church concocted to wax over the festival of Saturnalia... but with all this Christmas chicanery, who's keeping track?

Somehow I thought Jesus was born in June; what do I know, though? Quite frankly, Christmas started off as a pagan holiday and was re-branded, effectively, by the Christians... so is it really any wonder that media moguls and advertising gurus keep re-branding it to their own ends?

I've been told 'it's a Hallmark holiday' by many people... and true enough, it is. The capital, the overheads, the financial forecasts... they all make for a compelling *chingchingching* Debenhams, Next and Tesco -- or in the case of the latter, anywhere you can overpay for a good bit of turkey. 'Tis the season to by jolly? Well, yes, but your pocket book won't after you've splayed the fucker and forked out for whatever the Buzz Lightyear is, this year.

Mickey Mouse had his Scrooge, Charlie Brown had his pathetic Christmas tree and the Grinch had the same old lesson to learn antagonists and anti-heroes in his position always learn! The real lesson? For rewriting certain biblical parables, one can be re-gifted with everything they desire... seems strangely like selling ones soul to the Devil. But in a sense, it is, because after yet another incumbent Christmas advertising campaign, 2012, we're all that little bit more soulless!

Thanks to Tony Law I am Losing My Will to Live

2012-12-09T23:13:00.000+00:00

'I am time travelling to a moment when I was amusing!'

Could it be 2012? It must be! For Tony Law will likely not be funny anymore when December 21st, this year, comes to pass. Why, you might ask? The Mayans knew it as well as any other prognosticating culture you might want to lend a pre-apocalyptic ear to; for the day when Mr. Law gets any genuine laughs, time will stop, clocks will run backwards, water will swirl down the drain clockwise in the northern hemisphere and your waffle iron will attack you! No, I'm not referencing a poorly conceived CBC documentary, it's the signs of the apocalypse... all starting with Tony Law actually being genuinely amusing. In fact, I also prognosticate that his head will explode -- but that's an easier prediction to make when I know where I can get my hands on an AR-10 carbine assault rifle!

So what does happen when a Canadian comedian can't make it in the States and is even far too rubbish for the travesty of Canadian sketch programmes... *cough* Well, needless to say I won't be needing to scratch my eyes out any time soon, as I already have after watching Tony ham it up on a re-run of some nameless comedy programme on 'Dave'. Usually known for its high quality programming... oh wait, what the fuck am I talking about?

Having come from a country where hand guns are readily accessible, it's no wonder Mr. Law took solace on British television... after all, we have our fair share of imbeciles with funny accents; but we've all seen a Scouser before! Why not showcase a Canadian nutter with the IQ of Scottish smoked salmon on some of the worst skit and stand up show Britain has to spew out of every gaping orifice? Sure, he may have been on Qi... but I'm sure Stephen Fry is heading the way of Terry Pratchett, as it is. Our only hope: the lifting of euthanasia sanctions!

So whatever you tune in and find Tony Law staring at you with his wild eyes, send him back to Canada so they can send him south to America and the Yanks can send someone even more awful (ie. Pauly Shore) down to Mexico where he'll have his rightful career prospect in mind -- playing wet nurse to an Hispanic tranny in a Mexican prison.

Keanu Reeves Receives First Ever Personality Transplant

2012-11-28T10:15:00.001+00:00

Might he be stoned?

Medical science has always behaved like any evolutionary entity: progressing in leaps and bounds. So now the genii who brought us anti-depressants, behavioural therapy and enriched corn syrup have done it again. It is now possible to fix personalities and personality disorders by modifying specific regions of the limbic system where emotional potentiality to stimuli is processed and reactions are borne. The surgery was pioneered by neuroscientists at GlaxoSmithKline and is said to be the most exciting breakthrough in psychosurgery and psychopharmacotherapy since the advent of Thorazine, Clozaril and the full frontal lobotomy.

Selected for the first broad spectrum personality transplant was famed actor Keanu Reeves. Being believed that he had no personality of his own, he was said to be an excellent example of characterological vacuity and characteristic lability of essence.

Having starred in such blockbuster films as The Matrix, Speed and Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure it became obvious the GlaxoKline researchers that he posed no personality of his own and would be the first to benefit from the revolutionary treatment.

The donor, one Mr. Dolph Lundgren, was happy to give up his personality; as he did have one, but simply had never had any use for it. And as it happens the procedure ended up a startling success. GlaxoKline are expecting to make $7.6bn USD a year in recursive drug therapies including Largactil drug maintenance and are expected to reap the benefits of plausible deniability in court cases incumbent which can simply be ignored or at worse bought off. Malpractice suits are expected to quintuple in frequency, as are the figures of district attorneys' bolstered wallets. The future is looking bright for unnecessary psychiatry!

The Illusion of Security and the Private Security Industry

2012-11-26T20:44:00.000+00:00

Bob Shepherd...

...and his endeavours.

Few know that which lies in the dessert -- not buried by the sands, but by reams of shredded paper and fallacious accounts of enemy indiscretion. Anyone who knows much about the War on Terror knows that it's more of a 'war of terror' to begin with. However, who really cares to tell the tale? With the private security industry existing in the capacity that it does today, no one has the impetus to tell the truth, nor do they have the responsibility to do so. So who, in the end, is going to pick up the slack for the lads on the ground, just making it from one pay cheque to the next, one roadside bombing to the next?

The casualties of war are always the forgotten. To tell their story is a legacy to behest the valour that comes of doing ones job both honestly and well; so from the fray comes a soldier -- an ex-SAS operative -- to tell the stories those of us without proper clearance would normally not be privy to. In this case, the man's name is Bob Shepherd.

Mr. Shepherd became a best selling author after his cold and candid account of the private security industry's involvement on the 'War on Terror' hit the shelves to a marketplace otherwise hungry for Andy McNab's accounts of SAS operations. Bob, however, respectfully declines to make brazen anecdotes concerning an otherwise honourable annal of military history. Focusing instead on scoundrels who play soldier and have no allegiance to any entity who isn't paying their way. We all need to work, but considering the auspices under which close protection operates in hostile environments, one can not hope to expect to be well looked after when at the muzzle of an entire industry which is the same as any consumer or fuel industry: provided to make money at any cost.

Bob's books are readily available through Bob Shepherd's Blog and are worth a serious and thoughtful read. His are accounts of mishap and misrule from our very own homeland through to chivalry and expedience by those who would otherwise be our foes. He is a man not to be taken lightly, and neither is his non-fiction or his literary strides to explicate a world of war in which either side are no different than the other -- humans and humanity, even when at odds, need venture into equity... if only to know we're sometimes fighting ourselves rather than a phantom aggressor.

Keep On Smiling? Diamonds Aren't Forever!

2012-11-24T13:02:00.000+00:00

Street punk from Toronto? I hadn't thought it possible for such a liberal city to get any more liberal... until Ungrateful Children; and where it rolls off, it really fuckin' rolls off into anarchy, contempt and political egress. It simply doesn't get much better than this without a gram of coke and an Uzi!

Canada has never been known for its tough policies on anything, barring getting themselves out of the financial shit we're not in in the UK with poise and precision. However, this does leave a gaping aperture to be filled by boots and other assorted articles of leather. 'Cause let's face, when things are too good, this is also bad!

Beneath and pearly white veneer the streets of Toronto teem with the punx who put it best as it is... drawing closer to the states as they are, the Canadians need to be aware that all new regimes become old regimes and fall. Where to start with the anarchic antics? Why not those very streets?

Ungrateful Children offer a new/old and quite fresh sound. The angst burgeons and boils over into rivers of blood; suicide victims have never known the life to drain and bubble over quite like this! The sounds of the new republic wash over the streets, and from the ashes of the first little bit of the new millennium -- waxed over with fallacious hope and good tiding -- is the new punk revolution that seeks to grip the streets of the GTA and knock six weeks of shit out of everyone who lives in their perfect worlds in which they are untouchable.

Fuck the system, lads! It's on their heads, it's in their hands and the asphalt is unforgiving! Listen to this shit or die!

The US Presidential Race 2012 or Grim and Grimmer

2012-10-30T15:23:00.001+00:00

Them's fightin' words!

In a mere seven days the voting will commence and the Americans will crown their new kingpin. But which courgette with ears will be the victor?

We've not been presented with much of a choice (this being the nature of America's two party system) but of what little choice there is, what facts are to be considered?

If Obama is elected we can expect promises not broken, but kept only by the president and none of his cohorts in gov't -- I need only remind you of Gitmo and we'll all remember how Obama's seeming underlings in Homeland Defence and Security pulled the right strings to keep political prisoners, prisoners. I wonder if he'd be waterboarded if he left office and went to spinning classes at that mosque they were going to allow to be built at WTC ground zero.

If Romney wins, we can expect four more years of the Bushs' NWO, rampant gun crimes increasing or at very least being maintained and illegal abortions sky rocketing (that last one is just a guess, but what else might the Republican party now have to axe in the name of all that is holy?). One pleasant change, however, at least the Fox News Channel would be blissfully free of paparazzi photos of Obama endorsing Marlboros.

Johnny Depp Turns Up for Hallowe'en Party as Johnny Depp

2012-10-30T09:30:00.000+00:00

Depp contemplates his own magnificence.

Of all the creeps and ghouls in the netherworld, there can only be one Hollywood hack who rises up above Freddy Krueger, Beetlejuice and Macaulay Culkin... his name is Johnny Depp and he'll infatuate your women and raid your shoe polish.

Turning up to a swank Hollywood Hallowe'en party dressed merely as oneself is normally thought of as being a bit of a faux pas... but when you're Depp, all things grim and morose are not just possible, they're probable.

"There's a whole lot of cheapo Hallowe'en costumes out there based on characters I've played," began Johnny D. "but truly my most challenging role is being myself... and no one has the patent or license on Johnny Depp!"

An enthused Depp, so enthralled by his image in a mirror, went on to say "yes, there's a reason women adore me, and its not my looks. They see deep into my soul and see the darkness I am cast from and splay their effing pocket books to pay for my masses of Oil of Olay and cocaine."

As no surprise, Tim Burton will be casting everyone's favourite undead pretty boy in a tandem role with (wait for it) Helena Bonham Carter... prepare for another travesty of black and white stripes and way too much eye make up.

Sean Connery to Bid for Early Independence Referendum

2012-10-29T08:38:00.000+00:00

Connery in the absence of his Walther PPK.

Realizing that he might not be alive by the time the Scots actually excise themselves from we accursed Brits, Sir Connery makes a heartfelt and frenetic plea to the Scottish parliament to just bail on Britain. This comes of no surprise to those of us who know well Connery's distaste for the Commonwealth and the United Kingdom, but can one man really be so preposterous as he in this situation?

Long time conterpart to Connery, Bond figure Roger Moore confirms "yes, Sean always did have very strong ideas about England and the British... it's why he puts so much money into Ronald McDonald Children's Charities." And with the separation initiative McDonalds, Scotland will be introducing the celebratory 'McHaggis' and a plethora of other organ meat specials based on Scottish cuisine.

Coming as no surprise to the Queen, she merely commented that his Lordship would be hung from the gallows in the centre of London, had this been a century more equitable to the British Crown.

Still to come; Sean Connery parts the British Channel, turns sewage water into Whisky and bombs the hell out of London with Norwegian military money. The experts agree, Scottish separatism is the way to go... until the bullets start flying, then only the Irish will be safe.

David Cameron Considers Jihad on British Soil

2012-10-28T09:34:00.002+00:00

With Nick Clegg sleeping after another heavy dosing of Rohypnol and an extensive buggering by the Tories, Mr. Cameron takes a monetary sabbatical to see yet another nameless Muslim billionaire; this time with the promise of lining his pockets (wait, what do I mean 'this time'?).

After introducing Muhammad Asialififififaf to all things wrapped in bacon and on toast, Dave and his oil tycoon counterpart get down to the serious business of how to divide profits once oil prices rise in response to the two men's respective factions of the civilized world lobbing bombs at the other side for a number of weeks.

British Progress are quite excited about Cameron's proposed albeit clandestine bid to take trading the lives of his countrymen for fossil fuel pounds.

Necessity is the mother of all invention, war is good for business and Britain could really do with a Military-Industrial Complex all of its own. These three facts are sealing the deal with British Tory PM, Davey Cameron... that and where else is he going to go to get a really good Balti?

Obama and Cameron Poke Fun at Handicapped Japanese Lad

2012-10-28T07:39:00.001+00:00

David Cameron and Barrack Obama met, last weekend, for cigars, brandy and a rousing game of table tennis with a Japanese-American lad of 16. Akira was thrilled to bits to have been visited by the leaders of the English-speaking world... until the press left and these dignitaries of Truth, Justice and the Anglo-American way started to wail and howl in hysterics at his club foot after he had fallen over from a risky pingpong manoeuvre which left him reeling on the floor.

Showing their true colours, the pair of world leaders went to help the lad up, then quickly retracting their hands, brushing them through their hair and simply stating oops, too slow. Akira managed to find himself up right and quickly left the room crying. Mr. Cameron suggested they raid his parents' liquor cabinet, but finding only sake and some rice cakes, they proceeded to defecate in the corner of the room and promptly left.

When asked, later, how the young lad, Akira, struck Mr. Cameron, he simply replied he reminded me very much of my own passed son -- a very brave boy. And remember, this is the kind of man who's running the country until Nick Clegg can grow a pair.

Ten Things Coarse Grain Libertarians Miss

2012-10-26T14:59:00.000+01:00

The average libertarian is, in my experience, a bit of a pansy hippie type. I've known so few to have any convictions which might impact others' lives, save to give them free rein in personal choice and personal liberty. This is all well and good, however...

Ten things coarse grain libertarians miss are;

10) If everything was free, then there'd be no one to blame for anything (really think about this one).

9) If we didn't need fast cars and masses of whey protein, we wouldn't have them. And as such someone still has to be characteristically/phenotypally better than the other guy.

8) Donald Trumps's wife is damned fit!

7) I'm better than most people at a few things. Not everything and not everyone. Arrogance is totalitarian, and many of your anarchists would posit that no one is better than anyone else at all, which is exactly the same thing as the arrogance you loathe.

6) My girlfriend is damned fit!

5) God might exist to make someone money, you might exist to make someone else money, but it doesn't make you "just as bad as them" because you take similar opportunities, yourself.

4) Advertisers might well be insidious... but is it not just as insidious to ascribe people to your ideals of what is effectively social mediotrity?

3) Dave Beech, Andy Hewitt and Mel Jordan are retards who are playing into exactly what they run against (which is a running trait). [see: Freee]

2) No anarchist society can be truly vigilant because when one person dies/leaves/tokes other, dissonant, brains enter the perspective and the balance must re-establish itself. It's like using a tandem bike as a taxi... it just doesn't work!

1) From a psychodynamic perspective life is about the acquisition of power. Tell me might isn't right when someone's just tried to steal your Skoda and the protuberance you've given them has gotten the better of them!

So herein lies the dilemma; you're not a leader, your friends aren't leaders, your enemies aren't enemies because you don't have a leader... but the reasons they're your enemies is because they probably do have a leader. He whomsoever dies with the most toys wins!

Dickensian or Dawkinsian?

2012-10-26T10:01:00.000+01:00

Richard Dawkins and Charles Dickens; two who arguably changed the world in their own ways. One is alive and one is dead -- but which was the greater catalyst to societal bondage?

Dickens outlined the world as he saw it in a time when injustice prevailed for the poor and affluence stank on the breath of the rich. Now, since Dickens time, a lot has changed... but how much?

We're now in the 21st century -- enter Dawkins; humanist, atheist and 'bright'. But what of the bright movement and its founder, Dick Dawkins? We have an enlightened ("enlightened") group of people who sally forth and spread the world of nature, the universe and the great singularity. What could be more sublime than a regime based on freedom of thought, freedom of choice and freedom of movement? Oh wait, scratch the first two off the list.

Dawkins makes all things unscientific damnable... so what can we expect of these three support beams of the pub of righteousness? Well, lack of freedom to disagree, lack of freedom to choose anything which may be socially unpopular, albeit freedom to get the hell out of our respective atheist nations.

I myself am an atheist. I consider myself to be a social atheist rather than an analytical atheist. In short, I don't care what other people believe in, I just believe their wrong. Analytical atheism, however, posits that they know everyone else is wrong and makes light of the condemnation it imposes.

Surely the Catholic Church, for one, has done irreparable damage during its tenure... however, allowing them to screw up gives everyone else a chance to pick up the slack. The human body was made to be broken, and so is society. Wherein lies the challenge for advancement in a perfect world? Utopias are pipe dreams -- memes which never go anywhere -- and for all his Utopian ideas, Dawkins has no idea of longevity.

Dickens saw the injustice in the world and wanted to right it... Dawkins wants to take the injustice in the world and flip the coin on the other side so he's on the winning team. Humanism makes about as much sense as national socialism, to me. If you want peace you must prepare for war, and the idea that we can all live in harmony is as misguided as X-Factor contestants' lapping up their 15 minutes of fame.

Christian Aid Workers Celebrate the HIV Virus

2012-10-24T10:07:00.000+01:00

What could be more reprehensible than televangelism? The answer: Christian Aid workers. Pictured here we find a couple of foolhardy American representatives of God and the all mighty dollar pictured with a plethora of third world children. These are the ones lucky enough not to be born with the HIV virus or in full-time employment. So what?

Well, for one, these meagre few have escaped the geneological stumbling block of AIDS -- which is ending up being more hereditary than infectious, in these parts of the world -- and are growing up happy, healthy and indebted CA workers for providing them with food, water and bibles... because, after all, what the developing world really needs is to be founded on as much foofaraw as that which got it in trouble and is keeping it in trouble.

AIDS in terms of natural selection means that the sinners die but the righteous prevail. However, we're still talking natural selection, which is Darwinian, and hence the xtians are up the ideological creek without a paddle. It ends up being a bit like saying medical science has given us heart surgery, it is a gift from the Lord... yeah, a bit like heart attacks being a gift from the Lord. Oh, but he moves in such mysterious ways.

Is it possible to vote God out? He's almost as bad as David Cameron!

Jimmy Savile: Father of Protracted Indiscretion

2012-10-23T00:28:00.000+01:00

There's been a lot of buzz surrounding Jimmy Savile, for Jim'll Fix It for You [to be in therapy for the rest of your days]. So now we have a dead paedophile, Gary Glitter to stand trial yet again and a plethora for victims and BBC officials who turned a blind eye to it in the first place, at very least. So why all the hubbub? ITV looking for enough credibility to host the next Olympic Games... it'll be interested to see if they're marred again by G4S and its army of suit fillers. What's more interesting: why is the unholy name of Hades' left ear has this not come to light until James Savile's demise?

Perhaps God wanted it this way... for I'm sure much will come to light about the Catholic Church when it's finally disbanded and the Vatican is turned into an Asda! Jesus couldn't have been more proud -- or disparate in the apostles' account of him. Now enter hjis Lordship, Mr. Savile, and a young and impressionable Jesus and slough of sycophantic cult followers. Is this an explanation for Jesus's psychosis?

Touched but the divine albeit sweaty hand of Jimmy Saville is enough to turn anyone to crime, insanity or gender reassignment surgery. I still don't know how a paedophile of his calibre evaded the authorities for so long -- well, aside from 1) the BBC being bigger than the Royal Family and 2) plausible deniability. Next we'll find out that Channel 4 use sweatshop labour and sell it to ITV... and its subsidiary company, McDonalds, handles the clean up.

Makes me wonder if all those preachers from the 50's weren't right about their doomsday, apocalyptic foofaraw... the pope was just used as a smoke screen or something. Kill? Damn it, he's already dead!

Flying Spaghetti Monster Likeness Seen on a Plate in Clearwater Ponderosa

2012-10-14T22:37:00.000+01:00

Ezekiel Turnbull, yesterday in Clearwater, Florida, was greeted at a local Ponderosa eatin' house with a vision of the Flying Spaghetti Monster most uncommonly on a plate of noodles. Turnbull's 5 year old son had ordered innocently from the children's menu and their table greeted with this immaculate sight where touched by his noodley appendage.

A long-time Scientologist, E. Turnbull was blown over when faced with this deific image of our Lord FSM in the form of refined starch products and 'acquired' meat. The Carbolith himself had surely visited their table that night, he thought.

Turnbull, a 28 year old accountant, nutter and sycophant could not believe his eyes. "What have I been wasting my life on? L. Ron Hubbard was never this delicious!" he stated knowingly, as the inner workings of Scientology include eating of Hubbard's flesh in the form of suet and drinking of his blood in the form grape drink (not to be mistaken with grape juice) in the holy communion of Hgejk'dshioogkdaf, King of the Lizard Men.

The astounding appearance of our Lord of Ragu and Garlic has inspired a special sectarian cult of spaghettiotide adherents in Clearwater, Florida... much to the dismay of the Dianetics Foundation who were heard to state hide your pad and get out of there -- they'll ruin the whole deal! as they skulked off into a locked compound with a wooden statue of a Wookie holding cigars perched in front of a panel marked Chamber of Knowledge, Wisdom and Internet Pr0n smeared across the entrance way in indelible ink.

Word from within Hubbard's main compound outlines detailed plans to drink Kool Aid and arsenic while dancing around naked dressed as spacemen recounting the days when Tom Cruise didn't suck. The dude with the plastic vulcan ears, who could only comment in Klingon remarked to the press; yImev jat wIj chIS Hergh!

European Union Wins Nobel Prize for Fiscal Meandering

2012-10-13T01:16:00.000+01:00

There is just a slight bit of contention in the lower regions of my brain as the EU is awarded the Nobel Prize for Peace. Why the Norsk would want to honour representatives of a system who have helped put the European economy into this much of a slump is unbeknown to me.

Peace is evidently achieved through fiscal flaccidity. War is good for the economy and progress in general.

However, the interesting thing is that for Spain to prosper, Germany must fall out of the EU in order to bring Spain's currency into a boom stage or era or who cares? Because of the kind of unity the EU has afforded the people of Europe, the people of Europe can no longer afford the EU. It's one thing to try and consolidate a group of nations into one voice, but political convokation leads of financial normity leads to nothing.

Now that we're all not fighting anymore (at least I think we're not) let's see what happens if we dissolve the EU. Peace existed before the European Union just as it existed before the advent the Nobel Prize to honour it. The EU have a feather in their cap, now, what about ending it on a high note?

LennonOno Peace Prize: Masturbatory Accolades

2012-10-10T10:10:00.000+01:00

In a stunning display of tomfoolery, Yoko Ono awards Lady Gag (I'm sure I've missed an 'a' in there) with yet another bogus award... this time more dubious than a Golden Globe. Ono and Lennon -- evidently believing their own press about the Beatles being 'bigger than Jesus' -- have now decided they are also bigger than the Nobel Prize. And who better to sit through a round of ingratiating flimflam than Ms. Gaga?

"Lady Gaga is in a position of number one as a singer songwriter," Ono told Reuters Television. "And when you are number one you don't want to risk yourself. And she did."

This is of course a moot point, as Ms. Gaga is not a politician. The marvellous thing about being a pop singer is that you're confectionaries will eat your excrement up like a Terry's Chocolate Orange, and hence where is the real risk? No one is going to stop selling Lady Gaga records when the industry is currently under the strain of "illegal" MP3 downloads. For it is these kinds of fanbases who don't have it about them to find a way to a bittorrent tracker!

Gaga said she would continue to "communicate compassionately to the world and its leaders," and dedicated the award to "youth empowerment around the world."

Now, what exactly does this mean? I'll tell you what it means... and it might read out something like this; "I'm going to keep telling all my vacuous fans they're unique and special and totally awesome! They might be drab teenagers and wigger/chav chicks, but damn it, they're buying my records!" terrible as they might be. More grooming minors for record sales, I am sure.

So remember, kids, you can sell your soul or you can sell your record collection. One leads to salvation, the other leads to the Church... do have a guess as to which one.

Cameron to Defecate on Disability Claimants

2012-10-06T11:54:00.000+01:00

So now with all the new budget cuts, David Cameron is trimming the fat, and mental health has been toe-tagged with a label of 'Morbid obesity'. This comes as no surprise to most of us in the system who still have our two pence about us (even though we're not getting paid the interest on them) but for millions of other moderately-severely ill patients out there, benefits are the vessel into the world in which the mad rarely tread more than ten paces before we're shot down.

What does all this mean? Well, of course, they're restructuring DLA (disability living allowance) which effectively means they're scrapping it until further notice. Cameron had been talking about resending the benefit system into a freeze state, thereby garnishing over £10,000,000,000 from the DWPs budget. The situation is, however, more complicated than this.

Cameron, in my opinion, effectively was making a statement to prototype his upcoming strategy to slash the everliving hell out of the welfare budget. [I'd seriously like to see a permanent lapse in how they dole out JSA (job seekers' allowance)] and I am of the opinion that the mental health budget will once again take it in the throat.

We've not only got psychiatric hospitals downsizing or shutting altogether when there is more need for them than ever, but what we've really got here are what are considered to be a group of ne'erdowells and "dole dossers" under the mental health who will, I am sure, become expendable for at least 2-3 years. It makes sense to me, as I am sure the mentally ill are the only group under the disability act that won't garner a public outcry.

Now, having said this, I am sure that eventually DLA will be equitably restructured, but at the moment Cameron is playing dice with the devil in that he's seemingly trying to weed out whomever he can most cost-effectively. There is no mistake to be made about it, absolutely everyone is being pulled off DLA after a rouse interview and being declared fit for work. When last I heard 42% of people were getting through on appeal -- mental health accounts for less than that in the runnings for DLA under the DWP.

It's interesting to note that the company handling these interviews for DLA is the same French company that sponsored the para-Olympics. So in the end they're leqaving us with three things:

Plausible deniability for our Tory/~~Lib-Dem~~ government;
Legal obliquity (unless you want to take a foreign company to court in the EU for Human Rights Violations);
and, a win for Cameron in cementing his incredulity as heroism and decisiveness.

These three things taken into account, what hope is there for the reams of people left with their mailing addresses for ESA (employment and support allowance) listed as teh cardboard box between Boots and M&S? Should slash a little from housing benefits in the end, as well!

Jesus the Red Neck

2012-10-05T21:18:00.000+01:00

Published in the National Charlatan yesterday:

The Pope revealed, today, that a clandestine meeting between the Free Masons, Skull & Bones Society, News Corp., and the Roman Catholic Church yielded striking results, as it was clearly and succinctly agreed upon that Jesus Christ must have been an American.

University of Oxford Ambassador of Science, Richard Dawkins, confirms; “yes, it’s entirely probable that our collective memeology arose from a single and sweeping blow from American advertisers. It is quite likely that Jesus would have endorsed Coca-Cola or Nike footwear.”

Coming as no surprise to the American public, the Grand Dragon of the KKK stated; “we’re all thrilled that there ain’t no un-English in our/them britches.” Degenerates all over the South, tonight, are expected to expend no less than 30 000 rounds of ammunition and consume over 2 000 000 litres of moonshine whisky.

Sources from News Corp. also report that fire, the wheel, and Monty Python’s Flying Circus are also suspected to have been waylayed or hijacked by other cultures and are likely to have also originated in the Colonial United States.

Dear Xtians & Why They Should RTFM

2012-09-03T16:51:00.000+01:00

Coming in early 2013; God Fodder: Imbibing the Opiate of the Masses. I wanted to write an account of religionists not from the scientific atheist perspective, but from the social atheist perspective. People can argue the semantics of associating 'humanism' with atheism until the cows evacuate their bowels on your car, I'd still venture a guess that scientific atheism is closer to gnostic atheism while 'social atheism' is closer to agnostic atheism.

Forgoing the prolonged agony of explanation... suffice it to say, I am planning something of a minor tour de force of a wretched page turner. I hope to unnerve the pope... or perhaps just have him think "whoa, dude, I really do look like Emperor Palpatine!"

I intend to have examined and cross examined, then cross examine the cross-examination of the substructure of Christianity in the English-speaking world. As will be further elucidated, I find it to be a trite argument to argue against beliefs and actions as the same ilk of conviction, where this leads into the argumentative dozens of shades of grey. And without lascivious content being expressed (let's face it, that's most of what the Bible is... as such, it's been done) I intend to do my very best to fulminate the "what if you're wrong" argument and the pusillanimous mentality that comes with it.

Will I be successful? Only time will tell... but, Hitch, eat your heart out! Assuming the worms haven't already. They call it eternity because it never ends and hence has no beginning (wriggle your way out of that one, Watch Tower) see you all at the rat races.

Creation vs. Regurgitation

2012-09-02T21:34:00.000+01:00

The question as to the nature of art is one that brings incumbent swarms of if's and but's... for me, I am not precisely sure what to make of it. Of how one chooses to present themselves, is that not art? I would have to wager that claim that it is not.

Art must first be recognized as art in order to be art. I have heard erring replies from the other side of the field, and I have always ignored them.

While it is true that art is a personal endeavour, this is only where it begins. A man who hallucinates a pink unicorn and draws a picture of it will still get nowhere with his craft unless he can convince others of its existence. If he explains to them what it looks like, all they're thinking of is a pink horse with a bony growth on its forehead. However, once people come to his understanding, it becomes quite clear what a unicorn is, and perhaps that they are the Flying Spaghetti Monster.

However one chooses to present themselves is important. Having said this, do people choose to recognize his vantage of perception? Will anyone actually read this post? Perhaps not, on both counts. However, van Gogh wasn't recognized in his time, just as Lovecraft was not. What does this amount to?

The difference between success and originality is vast. It's one thing to come up with someone everyone likes, it's another thing to come up with something truly original. Bridging the gap is the hard part... but LaVey, as much as I often despise him, put it best; be aware that this is one of the keys to brainwashing people into accepting something new and different, when in reality it’s something that was once widely accepted but is now presented in a new package. We are expected to rave about the genius of the creator and forget the original. This makes for a disposable society.

So whom dredges the inner confines of what is abhorrently referred to as 'the soul' and who merely inverts the creative trash bins? I'll leave that to the rest of you mutants...