§ummer Wind

♀ ℝaNↁoℳℕeઽs & Raℕ†iℕGઽ あ

2011-10-07T21:08:00.190-04:00

I Thought a Thought, I Think I Think, Every Time I Play with Ink

❀

Who Are We?

Who Am I?

and Why?

and Why? Why? Why?

❀

So Sitting There, I Questioned air, and Tossed and Twirled

and Pulled my Hair

But Nothing Came, it Never Did

Just Laughed and Poked, in Clever Jib

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So How Then on This Perfect Day

With Not A Summons

Sound

or Say

❀

Did Suddenly a Thought Foray?

and Halt

This Pressing Quest

in Play

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The Answer to Your Question is…

Such utter

Silly

Foolishness

❀

This is Why you Round About

and Pace the Floors in Endless Doubt

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You've Seen it Oh So Many Ways

Yet Lost it in

a Clever Gaze

❀

You've Passed it by So Many Times

and Cast Aside

These Foolish Lines

❀

You've Laughed and Jibbed and Rolled About

You've Cursed and Screamed Up Such a Shout

❀

So Silently, Inside this Mess

Your Sweetness Lost

its Tenderness

❀

The Treasure of this Endless Quest

Will Not Be Found

In Endlessness

❀

You Must Allow your Mind to Rest

and Sit within

A Knowingness

❀

For There All Questions Ever Fade

Until of Course

The Next Invade

❀

And Lead You in a Quest Again

For Questions Truly

Know

No End

❀

๑ஐ ℸh℮ ℌigh℮r S℮∫f ஐ๑

2011-09-14T20:56:00.020-04:00

~The way I like to think of the higher self is quite simple actually. If you ever played with dolls or action figures or even had a very favourite stuffed animal you clung to with such adoration that should anything happen to it you would feel as if something had ripped a part of you away. Well then you know how your human form and the person you have so endlessly identified as you, is infact your most precious experience of yourself. In fact so precious you fear to lose it so desperately you would squeeze the life out of it to make sure it never left you ~

~ You are the you who is the hand that moves the being you are now being. You are lost inside your own creation and it has become a nightmare from which your are terrified to awake lest you lose the whole dream all together. The nightmare is the most severe form of the dream, the most masterful, most intense form of dream and requires the most incredible amount of strength and skill in order to maintain. It is literally impossible to keep a nightmare running as long as we humans have managed to maintain this one and yet look at us go. We have mastered the dream to the point where the impossible is a moment to moment imperative of our existence. We have reversed and transposed all the most fundamental understandings into the most depraved and insane version of the impossible to lose impossible to forget beautiful truth. We have become terrified of pleasure, condemning of life and abhorrent of anything that even begins to approach sanity ~

~And so in the middle of this mess a few of us got lazy and slipped up revealing the truth which utterly shocked and amazed everyone including ourselves. We began to use our laziness as a tool of inspiration and elucidation. And once we got the hang of it we begun the impossibly long process of unfolding this endless and meticulous knot we had tied ourselves in. As that happened we realized that who we considered ourselves to be was smaller then what we were involved in doing. We began to perceive what we started to form as the idea of God ~

~ In religion what has been called God, the creator, actually refers to the higher self. The idea that an old man with a white beard in the clouds governing your life is in fact what the people who did connect with their higher selves back in the day actually felt or even experienced. Considering the amount of density we all were in back then this connection was the greatest achievement in human history and so rightfully could be called God ~

~ But in fact I say it was the higher self of the man who did connect and open up to his infinite self his complete being. Then this connection which maybe even represented to the man a more adept complete version of the man experiencing this like a mirror reflection of all that he is in the highest sense. So he saw himself from this perspective and worshipped this man as if he were God. But if you think about it wouldn't God be beyond description or human capacity to understand. This was only a representation of the doorway to God. Alignment with oneself in complete true and total harmony ~

~ Taking this idea into consideration then God is black, young, chinese, a woman, old, a dolphin, a gray, a tree, bubblegum wrapper or whatever you happen to be when your looking. Everything, everyone, anything, anyone, its all, not one possibility excluded. Not one ~

~ This also means that if you think about it the relationship to everyone and everything has changed in relation to our higher standards of life, knowledge, health, technology and everything else. We are more sophisticated on every level so allow me to attempt explain the difference ~

~ Back in the day in other lives when humanity was far less evolved then we now are, all of us who now hate the church and organized religion or the illuminati, are the ones who made sure we built and sustained them. We built the world we are now at odds with. This is apparently how we do everything in life and learn about ourselves and everything else here. We are the enemy until we let ourselves be the hero ~

~ In the church The higher self represented God and the priest represented the higher self to the masses of people who were wandering in a much deeper and more profound darkness then we have known in this life. Everything was a lot more heavy back then and so we needed more solid anchors to understand our place in things and give us structure of some sort, to give us light we needed fire because we simply couldn't handle creating the infrastructure necessary to support electricity, or less intense forms of light. The light needed to support itself and maintain its own source of power. Everything had to blaze out at us for any of us at all to receive any kind of light at all and even at that point it was fleeting and required regular interactions and reminders. This was extremely appropriate at the time but now such systems are counterproductive and inhibiting towards developing self-empowerment and/or self-sovereignty. But understandably during the times when too many were so far gone or lost within the worst of the imbalance people needed something and this was the level that was appropriate for the average person. But now we have improved as a species to the point where we can sustain a more lucid and direct connection and understanding with ourselves and infinite essence ~

~ At that point it was appropriate to have one man or single individuals represent God in a manner that could not be denied. A master, a teacher like Buddah or Jesus or Mohammad. These people represented God where the Priests represented the higher self and this was necessary because of the depth of limitation we imposed upon ourselves. But now we are beyond relying on a representation of God and we can just connect directly ourselves. We're also beyond representations of the higher self since we can comprehend this is simply a secondary distinction from the source. Like why would you pay some guy to make you coffee his way when you can have an premo spresso machine in your kitchenette for wild creative concoctions of your own crazy design? Why? Why buy tomatoes from half way across the world when you can grow them in your backyard and have them specifically tailored to both the environment you live and breath in, as well as your specific body by interacting with the soil and plant during its formation ~

~ Well like wise for everything else in your universe why have it according to some other guy, especially if your not even a guy. I think I'd rather my god be a woman anyways, that could be exactly the right touch right now for all of us. Imagine meeting God as your best friend or your daughter or son. Imagine meeting God as an enlightening inspiring experience. Imagine meeting God as this moment speaking to you through me telling you what you already know and have just forgot how to tell yourself ~

~The story is infact the same story in a more contemporary format. The same players are here now playing the same role in a more contemporary fashion, reflective of the mentality once again of the times. In a thousand years it'll be the same story in a more updated way just like a thousand years ago it was something we'd probably be at odds with today. We'd probably look prettier and be uglier in our every endeavour with such crude and disgusting methods and understanding of things like how today we are that to tomorrow. I suppose thats why spirit has a timeless quality, a universal way, like a time traveler able to be in style in every period in some way. It always has a place ~

✧☽ Ↄℝ℈∆♏§ ☾✧

2010-09-20T11:27:00.018-04:00

~ You know what I notice about dreams? They are like the way an artist works in fantasy. A lot of them are very symbolic, imagery driven and borrow from a great many real things in your daily life. But nothing is ever really what it was in your waking life. Like in a dream I just had I remember a shop that had tvs in it and other things for sale. It had the exact impression of being the same convenience store in a subway I frequent but then it also had elements of a second hand store I visited and another small shop downtown. Just like the way people work in the movies combining several elements from various styles in order to create a new character or location ~

~ The same with people in my dreams its like people I might call one of my friends but when I wake up I know its not her. The one in particular I'm speaking of looking back had a strange depth in my dream. Like this person who was one way in my life, in the dream, seemed like she was a character being played by a much more seasoned and deep actress. I got the impression she was wearing the character of the girl I knew in life. Like she was even wearing the dream, looking through it at me. As if it was a very important interaction somehow. But who she really was I have no idea yet ~

~ What I think, is that you actually are interacting with real people or beings in your dreams. I think yes sometimes its all you. But other times I think its a shared experience. And in some of those nightmares, you are actually encountering what I call "feeders." The feeders are like energy Vampires who feed on your energy through exploiting your weaknesses and fears. They themselves are very frightened and low energy so they only feel comfortable "feeding" in this way rather then drawing energy from source ~

~ One time in particular very recently I had an experience where I was very open psychically but completely unfocused and sort of spilling out all over the place. When I fell asleep that night I had a dream I was in my house but it was very very dusty and yellowy looking, like it had been there for a thousand years or something. Everything was broken down and damaged and all the same musty looking yellowish colour. I opened the door to the washroom and looked at the toilet which had a huge crack right through it. All of a sudden my mother in her characteristic bathrobe, came from around the corner and started yelling at me for damaging the toilet. I played it off, as if it were no big deal. At which point an unusual thing happened. I think I heard myself instruct the demon to attack me. Not like with language mind you, it was like I was giving myself an idea about how to push myself a little further with it. The being that was playing my mother suddenly started pushing herself on me and a large thing grew out of her genitals and started like raping me. I think I woke up at this point going "what the fuck!?" ~

~ I think I was trying to wake myself up in the dream through this allowed attack. My energy in my body had risen to a significant level to this and had become very attractive to other entities. Another time when I felt like the energy from my third eye was very open just in between dream and waking I felt a being swallowing the focus from my third eye into a hole. I had to pry myself away from it. It felt like a real nasty feeling like it had a rusty sound to it like someone you don't want to meet in a dark alley. I guess thats what the fourth dimension is like a dream alleyway. Ha ha ~

~ Well I guess its many things and one of them is its where I think we actually go when we create our dreams. Which would mean the brain isn't actually what we think it is, its not actually like a machine to create and store all these imaginings but its only a very complex receiver. Maybe like a computer interface. But all the games we play take place on the internet, same with all the knowledge and information and everything. This would mean that its only ever about opening on all levels to be able to function in any walk of life more… well… functionally ~

~ Maybe thats why people like einstein would fall asleep with equations and wake up with the answer. Because its a lot quicker to use a holographic interface you are completely integrated in then to try to run it through an otherwise very resistant waking mind. This would also mean that on this level that we call our "waking life" or "real world" we are actually so asleep we only ever function of the most limited capacity for the majority of our lives. And it would mean we die without ever truly realizing our full limitless capacity for creation and experience as human beings ~

~ I remember one other time I tried to wake myself up while dreaming. I was looking out through my backyard door window at four different versions of my dog running in a circle. Each one was a little more extravagant then the last. I remember thinking to myself "imagine if this was a dream?" and I just kept on staring in wonder. I woke up slapping my head saying things like "you stupid fucking idiot!" Yes I am a giant moron who just can't seem to be able to figure out he's totally dreaming on all levels all at once ~

~ It would mean one other thing and that is that when we Die the first thing we become are Our Dreams, Literally ~

๑ • ☩ †ℌ℮ ₪∆ℜ₭ℵℇsS ☩ • ๑

2010-09-16T23:55:00.006-04:00

~ In the in between there lays a stretch of darkened land where no man and un-men dwell. It is a place of endless echo of a darkness from long ago. If your not careful or forget to keep your wits about you you may lose yourself forever. There is a wood in this land which ever deepens and darkens worse then any wood imaginable. The further in you go the thicker more dense it becomes. And after you travelled in very deep there are openings like deep pockets of shadow where dark men dwell and those whose sadness drew them into the wood has left them wandering eternally forsaken. They are not so much a threat as those who beg you to travel down certain paths with them promising a swifter way ~

~ Now if I had been a traveler wise in the ways of the wood I would not so easily have fallen into this seduction. However the wood is dark and there are many screaming cries of misery and very disturbing things inside that bring into question all that a man like me believes well about himself. There is endless doubt which lives hidden in the woods. Fears that most are very unaware they even have but soon discover they do ~

~ A woman appeared before me once in the sweetest solitude of night. She was very fair and inviting and knew many things about the woods I travelled. I decided it would be wise to follow her for some time to learn and get the feel of this place. But she led me down a shadowy path requiring many sacrifices I unwillingly made. She robbed in the end of a piece of my sanity and left me barren with nothing ~

~ It was only then after much travel and hardship at my wits end did I first catch the hint of something very precious in the wind. A scent of something familiar from my youth. A beautiful ecstasy in this dark place where nothing but sadness and broken dreams lay. This little hint of something in the wind filled me suddenly with such life and invigoration. The life filled up in my body again and I rose up with a strong heart and stumbled my way following it as best I could. It led me to a small stream where I refreshed myself and carried on hurriedly to find the source of this scent in the wind. The stream spilled and flooded pooled and wiggled all around the countless deadened trees with little moon drops of flowers growing here and there like silent rebellion of welcome beauty. I followed them until I began to hear the torrent of water ahead and realized I had finally made my way to the forbidden entrance of the kingdom ~

~ Ahead lays my greatest foe. In the heartland of my enemy. After duelling in countless battle upon countless battle with all manner of heinous and endlessly surprising foes. But in the cave the demon that lies there is one of unimaginable intelligence. One who can play upon the heros darkest thoughts and doubts in himself. This demon is known as deceiver and has earned this trait by their own self-deception. They are like a vacuum where you may lose yourself forever lost in a single unutterable doubt. Honesty is now the weapon of this hero and humility the manner in which he can undo the deceivers spell ~

~ In the cave there is no one. There is nothing but the sound of your deepest darkest thoughts squirrelling around you. If you let your light go out for even a second they might consume you. So you carry on. You slip and fall and break your leg and alone you weep bitterly for your dangerous mistakes. But eventually you have no choice you must carry on. The hero is always reluctant to go on this journey. Happy still to simply sit and be as everyone else. But when no other can meet the call. The hero understands it must still be met if not by the best by at least those who are willing and so the hero marches on. Without hope or chance of success, only the impetus to fulfil his task under the most extraordinary pressure he can imagine and in the darkest depths of his own very simple soul. The hero carries on. He is compelled to there is no other choice in his mind. The hero simply does go on because he has to. That is what a hero must do ~

◊ • †He ØutS¡De® • ◊

2010-08-28T11:41:00.020-04:00

~ I seem to be the master of screwing myself out of every opportunity I have come to me. Like its an art form, a true miracle art form I've been proficient at my whole life. I'll even get ridiculous luck and just turn it away, mess it up, blow it or any number of brilliant vehicles to keep myself exactly where I am, exactly where I've always been. Like I like it there so much, I don't want it any other way at all. And in retrospect that seems exactly right ~

~ I spent most of my life on the outside, just wandering aimless, lost. I'd be in the woods because yes I did like it, but also because I didn't ever really have a core group of friends. I just had pick up friends where ever I went. People I'd get to know or spend time with. People who would tolerate me, or feel bad for me and offer me friendship. But lets face it I was a person like a fowl smelling decay who no one really wanted to spend time with. Or if they did eventually they'd get wise and figure me out and make a James Bond exit out of there. Its all right I can't say I'd blame em. I'd probably do the same thing if I was in there position ~

~ But now I'm kinda glad all that happened because now I'm free, I'm not like all of them or any of you. I am my own person. People don't like me but when was that ever news? I don't care. And because I don't depend on your approval (because I never had it to begin with) I see the world through my own eyes. And more so I see all of you the way you really are, not politely or nice because you weren't exactly nice to me were you? I can make exceptions here and there on a case by case basis, but feel bad about who I've become? Why? for What? for Who? you? I don't think so. I'll even lie about doing that right to your face just so I can keep doing what I've always done, be on my own side. You don't like it well that really is your problem isn't it ~

~ I owe no one. I am obligated to no one or nothing. I am my own man. How many of you can honestly say that? By your own free will all of you helped me become who I now am. I truly could not have done it without you. I guess they're right no body does it alone. I have been training my whole life or better put my whole life has been my training for where I am now and none of it was in vain or by accident. Only the revelatory information I needed to understand what I am going to do next ~

~ Every time I lose something in my life I see another piece of the bigger picture. It seems that no matter what happens its a win win situation and that I will succeed through any number of methods or means eventually and the only hard work there actually is is in avoiding the inevitable consequence of this life the one I have chosen ~

~ There is always enough, remember that, because if there wasn't it would already be over wouldn't it ~

~ • ◊ wE A®e hE®e ◊ • ~

2010-08-27T17:15:00.004-04:00

~ If you look at my life and wonder how I came to know the things I do you will create all kinds of stories. I will enjoy them so and let you tell them. I will sit avidly and listen to the utter fantasies that you have concocted about me. You will not believe it but I am just a man like you. But more so you will not understand how much it took me to be just… a man ~

~ I will listen to the tales and smile like the child I truly am for you do not understand. You will reach and strain for the answers that are right before you but you do not believe they are and so you can no longer see the miracles that surround. Like us, they are everywhere and await to eagerly to play ~

~ You will not understand how I have been able to do all the things I do nor the unequivocal simplicity and dare I say stupidity of this silly man. My wife will laugh with uncontrollable glee just to look upon me and see her own silly reflection staring back smiling. She see's me as I am, just a man, but one who has become something of a story or legend in these parts. Part of the fabric of things we shall never speak of. Because how could we, we do not understand and so there is nothing to say is there? ~

~ But they tell the story anyways, those who consider themselves brave enough to cross the lines we all draw before us. Those who wish a taste of the forbidden. Those who consider themselves the impossible things we are and have always been. We are stories we are and always have been. You will remember us when you have lost touch with your own name. For you cannot forget the impossible mystery we present in your mind and will contemplate it in utter agony until long past your last days. You will hear us in endless laughter at your quest to find us, to know our name. We will taunt you with the secret understanding of all that you endlessly pursue and all you were so sure you knew ~

~ But more then this we will be waiting for you. We will wait as we do for the impossible promise of something unexpectedly new. We live in our own forever side by side with you. We are the impossible truth you can only believe as fantastic lies or tales at best and oh yes we are definitely that. We have earned our right to be here and so we shall be for times to come. You will know if you have met us by the sweetness in your thoughts and the secret feelings you now treasure in your heart. We move in utter grace and simplicity. We are your dreams because how could you believe we were true? You wouldn't even know how to describe us or what to say. But in time, a long time you might just realize we left you with a little something quite incredible you'd never even believe was true. It'll be there always and forever just when you need it to help you ~

What I Am Afraid To Tell Myself

2010-08-19T07:07:00.001-04:00

~ This fear I was going to find something terrible down there is something i push deep and far back into the recesses of my mind. I feel the need to talk about this but am very careful not to ever reveal anything too damaging about myself or what I've done. Part of me has always just decided to give up looking, hide and be thankful however bad it gets that its not worse then it already is because you deserve far worse then this and you know it. If you were ever honest about who you are to anyone they would send you to the butchers and you know it. They would crucify you with your own approval and you feel this within yourself and have your whole life which is why your afraid to actually admit anything to yourself or anyone else. Which is why you spend your life living in lies which sometimes you cant even remember. Hiding, lying, cheating, stealing, grabbing, perverting, hurting, again and again and again and again. Its who you are your nature. Its the one thing you know you ultimately deserve and so you give it to yourself again and again and again and again. Its the cycle you conceived and brought upon yourself ~

~ When I was younger I was told you shouldn't lie because then you have to keep the lie going with another lie and another lie until eventually it no longer makes any kind of sense to anyone anymore and no one really understands whats going on. This unfortunately is a perfect description of my life as it now stands. I've been lying so long now about so many things "I" can't even remember what the truth is. I'm so totally lost and with no one around anymore who could even tell me where it all began. I've been lying since I can remember mostly I think because I have been ashamed of who I am and where my family came from. I feel like its something awful that needs to be lied about and so I've always concocted stories to make myself appear the way I think I should be. I also steal to make up what I think I should by rights have and have always consistently tried to live at a level above where I am or even understand. Just embarrassed to be alive really... at least as I am. And I think I'm a girl really I always act and think in the feminine and have always felt really more in tune with femininity then masculinity which I hate and despise like its some kind of illness or something. I blame men for everything I call them the reason for why the world is in the state its in and its like some disgusting thing I can't get off myself and many people in my life feel the same way about me. Complimenting my insidious hatred of myself. I have never been "Manly" or "A Man" in any sense of the word, in fact I'm very girly at heart and in many many different ways. I know nothing about cars, sports or whatever other ostensibly masculine things I'm supposed to know about. I like fashion and romance movies, and want sex all the time {well that might be a manly thing} I like art and am soft hearted and not really scary as a man should be. In fact I'm more scared of women then me. I act very much like a woman and most normal guys don't understand me the same way they don't understand most normal women. Most normal guys immediately think I'm gay because of the girly way in which I conduct myself and my adoration of feminine ideas and ideals ~

~ If I was to guess I'd say I was at my peak a female and many ways just can't really grasp how to be anything but in this life. I behave in my inherently strong feminine way in this life and wherever I do I become more and more grounded into my masculinity or masculine energies. My body is completely out of whack but this is the thing I don't understand its more in favour of the masculine side, being the right side of the body left brain. But if I am so feminine shouldn't it be the left side more predominant? Or maybe thats the point my life is designed to balance out my imbalance within. So the more feminine I behave the more masculine the energies are in balance of me or rather in order to keep me in balance of who I am. But the more I behave masculine it has the reverse effect and releases the more feminine sides of myself. Power in Paradox. Seems like a backward thing to get the hang of but entirely reflective of the world we are in. So if I feel like a little girl in a mans body I need to grow up into an older man in a mans body which will release the more feminine energies within to balance out the overwhelming masculinity I have become by behaving feminine ~

~ The masculine energies are more of the grounding energies of the physical world and in the most severe form take on the experience of failures and losses, accidents and injuries in order to keep you undeniably present in the physical. But what makes a man is not his masculinity as everyone thinks but his deep expression of femininity. The only thing missing from what is most obviously a man. But in that act of vulnerability is seen the true essence of what everyone can instantly recognize as a man. Within it is an act of pure courage and centeredness without is the harmonizing balance of his endlessly hardwired manliness. Or something like that ~

~ Something always bugged me about when people told me to "Man it Up" or "Be a Man," like I felt insulted in a particular way for a particular reason. I think because I had discarded my manliness out of hate for it or disgust in it and then felt a cold snap like I had just been slapped across the face with my own stupidity. As if throwing away something I actually needed, like the world telling me I was wrong in my disgust or distaste with myself. A common thing in many places in my life. Like I had it right there but just didn't believe it enough to use it where it needed to be used. It's like life is saying use this here at this time in this way here it is plain and simple so you cant mess it up very easy to understand in exactly the way I would understand it and I say "no, it wont work" and I go sideways and fall into a serious catastrophe of sorts or many many sorts. Now I feel like I'm lying about everything in my life and just acting like a little girl when I've done quite manly things I never want to talk about or admit I've done. I pretend to be one person while flat out lying that I am actually someone else entirely. I've hidden myself inside a lesser me and have gotten exactly the kind of life that comes with that on all levels. Not entirely but close enough ~

~ It's like I didn't want to admit who I was so I ended up forcing myself into a life and lifestyle to small for myself and suffered extraordinary pain because of it. Its like a fear of power of hurting people with it so just dismissing it entirely and letting it poison me in the process. I swallowed it so to speak as I always do swallow all the poisons of the world in doubt of my own goodness and because of it become bad because there is no where else to go or nothing else to become. I have in a sense by fearing my ability to hurt others become the hurter I have always feared I'd become. A fear passed down by my father who misunderstood things in exactly the way that I did. In fact the only thing that seems to have prevented me from completely going over the edge with this {which I willing would have believe you me} is a kind of purposely built in design flaw to my life or maybe not a design flaw but some kind of minimal safety mechanism I had no idea I had this entire time. It still allowed me to make all the mistakes I made and experience enormous pains and ups and downs but it seems to have saved me from entirely committing to my own mistakes and misjudgements about life ~

~ Everything I chose in this life all the mistakes I made were mine, I made them by my own choosing because of a number of reasons but undeniably they were mine and its like the purpose of this life was just to show myself the inevitable consequence of how I was choosing to be. Because as of right now I am like 98% percent still headed in the wrong direction and am pissed I cant get there like yesterday. And probably at best 2% percent in the right direction which is what keeps me from completely obliterating myself in self-destruction. I don't believe I did any of it myself, like I had all kinds of help, even design in my life right down to the body type and parents and everything and even with all the encouragement to move into a positive direction I am still fighting hard core for my own annihilation. What a case am I ~

~ I feel like I've been given an obvious part to play and theres no way around it but into utter pain and annihilation {which I don't want}. But The part seems so gay like I'll learn some damn lesson and save the day hurray. So gay. Like I'm just a pawn, like an actor, so predictable in every way in every way, its obvious the only tricks I got up my sleeve are so old my life already knows them before I can even come up with them. So what the fuck, this is dumb, this is bullshit. I'm not playing. This is just a part in a movie, so dumb. It's like when you watch a movie and your like "ohh this is the settup and ahh I saw that coming and this and whatever." I think god is a BAD WRITER and SO VERY CLICHE. I've probably even seen this story before and know whats going to happen next. But I guess its still important to play out this fucking retardation of a story to its utterly predictable conclusion ~

tHe De∆∂ ßo∂y ¡N tHe WoO∂s

2010-08-08T00:51:00.014-04:00

~ I spent a lot of my life wandering around life in the darkness doing dark deeds getting more and more lost highly negative and depressed. Upset and angry. Viciously angry at life in general. I blamed everyone and everything and felt constantly that I was in a dark pit of hellish despair writhing and wriggling for my life, living a kind of backwards insane hell of a life. And I just got used to it. I stopped caring and just started hating and attacking, stealing concealing lying. My god the kind of lies I've told ~

~ Recently I had a very warped experience where I became convinced I was some kind of a god with unearthly abilities I even went through a period where I was completely convinced I was christ incarnate and everything had everything to do with me in every way on all levels. Needless to say I think maybe I overstepped my better judgments about things and now can stand back and view myself more honestly and upsettingly as I really am ~

~ I am a coward. I am a liar. I cheat, I steal and dance around the most simplistic and obvious path of how to do things in life. The simplest way is usually the correct one to take. But I didn't take it in fact I've always looked for the longest and most utterly complicated way of avoiding the correct path because I fear how it will reveal me for who and what I am. I am a bastard, a no good lying son of a bitch. What can I say? I wish it wasn't true. In fact I've wished so hard I've literally created whole lies to convince myself that I'm not who I know I actually am. I fear death for so many many reasons but mostly because I'm afraid of the worst ~

~ There has been many times in my life where I've come right up to an amazing opportunity to help other people out by telling the truth. But I always perceived that it would show everyone how I've been lying to them my entire life. So I ran from it allowed the lie to continue and hurt the people I could have saved or helped. I have always always covered my own ass at the expense of everyone else around me. Why? Its not complicated I just didn't want to face the consequences of my own lies. I'd have to say this probably the crux of the entire situation we are all in. I don't want to tell the truth for fear it will get me killed. In fact because I've chosen the lie to live everyone has become convinced that that is who I am and its not its just the lie I've been living my entire life. Sometimes I perceived I could help people with the truth but again and again and again I chose me over them. Why? Because I could. And now the lie has gotten so incredibly out of control I can't even imagine telling the truth anymore without having some kind of a personal Armageddon directed at me. It would be like asking the world to deliver me into a kind of terrorizing hell which is why I've put up with everything I've put up with in my life. Because no matter how bad it could have possibly been or ever got it was far better then what would have happened if I told the truth ~

~ There are so many many people out there walking around with no idea of what I've done. Of who I am and I am terrified to come forward with it. I fear with my whole life what would happen to me if I did. I'll live as a fugitive or as a bum or whatever and just lie till I die. But telling the truth to people is like asking for my own death. People would be so upset with me. Beyond upset. I am sure I would be killed or worse so I don't even tell myself what it is I'm lying about. I know its something really big but I can't even remember what it is. I just remember that when I perceive it I become so frightened that I immediately bury it deep within me for fear that anyone will see it or know it or whatever. I've been having this fear for years now as if its just going to come out of me anyways. Like I wont be able to stop it and I'm so scared about when thats going to happen. Like I did something really bad a long time ago and it sent me on this journey where everything has been a terrible lie a big mess and I've just been utterly warped by it ~

~ When I perceive my third eye opening I feel that fear like my mind is going to slip and I'll reveal everything because I secretly want to so badly. I just want this awfulness to be over. Its like a war I started a long time ago because of a lie or some falsehood I created. And now god is coming to get me and make me fess up and die an utterly terrible death. Not a heroes death but a villains death. Like I'm not supposed to be here, like I feel guilty for even being alive for some reason…

…so this is what I'm going to do: I'm going to hold this conversation with myself until I can perceive what the big thing I'm lying about is and then try to understand it and why I'm so afraid of it. Its always like this big thing in the back of my mind like some big scary thing buried in the woods I have to go dig up like a dead body or something. So lets go dig it up ~

met•a•phys•ics

2010-07-13T08:41:00.005-04:00

~ I think I'm starting to understand now a little better then I did. There was a planet I was on a long time ago in a galaxy far away and during that time I was there I did something very wrong and participated in the lifestyle and decisions that corrupted the planet maybe system and created the circumstances of its destruction. The planet was at a higher vibration then this planet currently exists at and more then likely had exquisite technology and lifestyle because part of my simple issues in this life seem to suggest that things can obviously be a lot simpler and efficient then they are currently being done. Even in the worst circumstances I've felt that way. Because I was born into a stable family that was always and ever shall be at a particular financial level, emotional level even kindness level its indicative of the type of person I was in the planetary system I have my earlier lives in and where I learned to be who I now am intuitively. I have a lot of natural understandings in a great many things and proclivity to authority in some way shape or form, meaning I've lived many lives and had time to occupy many different kinds or work and careers which would inform a general understanding and perspective that unites all things or that all things embody ~

~ Because of my attraction to self-destructive behaviour and attitudes, sexual addiction, paranoia and doing the right thing I'm led to conclude that this is how I learned to behave and exist in other environments in much the same way. The truth I am aware of on earth in a sense is the truth of who I am at least the most pertinent information. Law of attraction in this way is always in effect and it was how I found this planet. I was among those who fought and became violent and destroyed the planet I was born on and because it was a higher vibration planet many of the ideas, the way I like to do things and an inherent goodness I have reflect attitudes that are required in higher vibrations, but the issue was that I chose the negative in those places, just like I did in this one and because of it I have at a higher level created or chose a life that would immediately return my own negativity back to myself and forever give me the opportunity to witness the result of my actions. This is why I have always purposely tried to hurt myself when I got angry as opposed to others because thats more then likely what I did do in other lives when i had greater ability to do so, and in this life in this incarnation the life I have is directly created for exactly one purpose to necessitate and facilitate the understanding of this and create the circumstances to allow me if I chose to accept and allow the balancing of my own energies and my place in the universe. Which tells me something, it means that everyone of us on this planet are literally here because in every way we are already. So we can chose to keep living the negativity this planet affords us to experience as long as we want it or we can let it go in every way at every level if we finally want to ~

~ I have often felt as though I was more inclined to the feminine then masculine and in fact I think I was on whatever planet that was I was on when it self-destructed. Maybe it was Earth itself, maybe I was a Gray in a parallel reality. Maybe what it is is a memory from Atlantis' destruction. I mean these are all guesses based on information I've come across, but one thing is for sure I've definitely brought myself into destructive capacities in this life and I have been doing it almost since I was born. I have a heavy hand in the materialistic, left brained mentality, in fact my body is completely out of whack and distorted and has been for probably my whole life. It seems like I have given myself a body and life that would be stable enough to support my need for destruction and destructive tendencies. Fire is the elemental foundation for life and so is in exact defiance of who I have become a living death. Its like when I had the chance on another planet with all the information, with all the support, and possibility to act in the positive I chose to annihilate my physical form which did matter because whenever things become close to the level I chose to do this at my initial choice kicks in full stream and it becomes almost automatic, I fall into the groove I carved out in that life. I think many people on earth have similar stories and in a very real way we are the dirty corner of the universe where all the broken lives have collected in a living planetary mutation ~

~ Everybody here has the choice to continue into negativity and the endless creation of it or to finally let go of it. In a sense this planet is like a hell planet, where souls who chose utter insanity and self-annihilation came because it was the only appropriate experience for souls who chose what we chose. Life here is literally like a living hell not for the purpose of hell but for the understanding and recognition of what we have not understood. We are the ass end of everything, a self-committed insane asylum. From this perspective there is no need to commit anyone anywhere because your actions and vibration immediately magnetize you to negativity or equilibrate you back into harmony with the universe and everything else everywhere. But as long as you don't you are magnetically locked to people, places, food, clothing, events, timelines that equal your state of being ~

~ There are no heros on the planet because the vibration is too dense and dangerous for higher level souls to participate in with anything but a distant hand in our affairs. Its kind of like school your not ever going to get out of it, because you cannot exist at any other level without it, you just have to surrender and accept it, its the only thing to do. Literally. You can even freak out and scream madness and try to fuck yourself up but you'll just end up here again and again and again and again because its the truth of things. When you die you expand back up into a perspective that can see more then your aware of when your down in this perspective and from that perspective this one rules because it is the choice to function with the guidance of a higher perspective. Without that you on the bottom letting the you on top do its thing you strain ridiculously hard and die in that strain only to rebalance and reorganize and send yourself back down again and again and again until you master that vibration, until you master the nightmare by becoming what you are: A Dream. We send ourselves to hell it is the way of things, it is the way the entire universe functions in every way on every level. So literally no one in creation has the ability to prevent your ascension but you. As you know the devils power is in illusion, deception, tricking you to do the wrong thing and the answer to that problem is simple: tell the truth to everyone, as they say The Truth Shall Set You Free. It was probably a liar who said that just for it to be relevant for them to even say ~

~ So now I think I'm getting it and I think it means that if I'm right then I will accept it and become it and after that being on Earth is a matter of remastering what I had destroyed so long ago. Its true you know you save yourself, because you are the only one who has the ability to either way. Basic principles and fundamentals of the Universe, Metaphysics. ~

This Little Thing

2010-07-11T08:03:00.001-04:00

~ Growing up with problems like everyone does you try to manage them, solve them, get rid of them, ignore them, medicate them or eradicate them. You try and try and try but again and again and again its always this little thing that keeps popping up, sticking out and tripping you up. Its as if everything would be fine if it wasn't for this One Little Thing that always gets in the way. Its there in the back of your mind, quiet and out of place, a dissonance you have no choice but to view as a problem, an issue, something very serious that needs to be handled and dealt with. And you try and you try and you try but it seems to be invincible or something, and the more you pay attention to it the more you realize the insidious nature of it, this funny little glitch inside you that you have to cut yourself out of or remove otherwise its going to thwart your entire existence for all time. But what is it that I'm talking about? In truth I can't even really explain it because I don't know what it is, but I know its there, I feel it there in utter defiance of all that is and a total nightmare in this dream I call life. I know its there and I try to hide it, deny it, ignore it, bury it, lie about it, medicate it, hoping eventually it'll just disappear, hoping it'll just go away and leave me alone, but it doesn't, it won't, it's still there. I can even completely forget about it not even have thought about it but that never means that I lose it, it never means it goes away. Its not intrusive but its there, always, a reminder of something we'd rather forget ~

Karma

2010-07-06T14:40:00.014-04:00

~ I'm gonna share my opinion about what I think Karma actually is versus the popular opinion about what people think or have been conditioned to believe it is. And it was because I was watching The Matrix Revolutions the other day and one of the characters in the Train Station said something like "…it is my Karma, I do not resent my Karma… Karma is a word…" And something about the way he said it or maybe something else he said that I can't remember got me thinking about something Bashar said about playing out your life theme and how we build our bodies and lives in a specific way in order to experience a particular Life Theme like Empowerment or whatever. Now if that was your life theme you can experience Empowerment in an endless amount of settings with any number of people. You can have your family involved or work it in a larger way in the world at large but one way or another your very survival in life is directly tied into your theme and you designed it that way so that you could not ignore it so that even if you go completely sideways you'll still be three dimensionally involved in this theme. Even if you change jobs, lovers or friends you will experience the theme and especially the aspects you can't stand or have difficulty with again and again and again like your fears until you face them, until you confront them and master them ~

~ In stories this is the classic Hero's Journey and I think stories are a good medium with which to explore and describe this idea of what exactly Karma is because I think it is exactly the same idea. If a writer wanted to explore themes of fear and courage or redemption or salvation there are a great many ways to do it. They could potentially choose an epic format or something far more domestic and casual. The thematic idea being explored however is the same, say Redemption for example. If your life theme were redemption then there would need to be something to redeem in the first place and so perhaps you purposely put yourself into a life where there would be a great many pressures, opportunities, influence and upbringing that give you a chance to hurt people, use people, or cause harm to others in some way, but you would build in enough natural awareness in order to bear witness to the negative consequences of your behaviour. Now within that framework you still are an individual and could potentially right from the get go choose not to ever cause harm to another even with great influence and pressure to do so and still fulfil your life purpose by being an influence yourself of integrity and redemptive capacities and ideas from a young age ~

~ You could however (and most people do) choose to ignore your awareness or personal integrity in favour of fitting it or not jeopardizing the benefits that come with compliance. In this way you would because of your extra awareness or integrity become the authority in whatever crime you have become complicit in or whatever negative behaviour you have bought into. This can serve double duty because of your inherent or built in integrity you will be the cutting edge of whatever negativity you have been born into and be consistently at the forefront of this behaviour the rest of your life, along with an intimate understanding of the mind of exactly this kind of person and thus extremely valuable information and insight into the psychology of that particular negativity. In this way becoming say the head of a crime syndicate or the most brilliant rapist or serial killer you are by your own appointment an authority in this field one way or another and even if in the negative by right you have accepted, inherited, achieved or constructed the ability to end that behaviour and reveal critical information to those who support a dismantling of negative institutions, business or simply the psychology of a particular focus of negativity ~

~ Either way you will because of your circumstances continually have great problems and issues that need solutions and alternative thinking and you will continually be forced to come up with alternatives to negative behaviour in order to remain a positive redemptive influence in your life. Even succumbing to the negative influences of hate and fear and pain, you can still arrive back with the support of your body, your life, your guides and the rest back at the initial game of being the best example of what it means to redeem yourself and negative behaviour. In a sense this is why Jack from Pirates of the Caribbean can be weird and backwards and still have enough Luck to make it out alive, Its why Two Face has a Giant scar and is still alive at the end of The Dark Knight, he literally is a person caught in duality. He is us personified into a symbol of what we all are. But one way or another you will fulfil this path even if it means you will die for your pains and that is the way in which your behaviour or negativity have been redeemed. You see this all the time people fall on both sides but have exactly the same life theme some become cops others criminals and even within that the lines are not so black and white because a certain kind of criminal might be a defiance to corrupt cops or vice versa and all exist all at the same time ~

~ The Karma then is what keeps you in line with the kind of positive influence you agreed to be when you chose to be born into this life. This includes specific chance meetings and life changes, biology and what not, things that will help you understand what exactly your point is being here or at least keep you doing what you came here to do and to be it is built in to your life into who you are and in a sense you carry it with you everywhere you go. You will always be it no matter what. You can choose to fight it or embrace it and reap all the benefits of your focus while you are here. Many people have called this destiny or fate and in a sense this is the truth but even though you must wear these clothes you still have the ultimate say in your style and fit. You can even take the clothes off if you choose. Karma can also be what people call miracles or guardian angels who mysteriously help you along the way, bring what you perceive as your saving graces in life or your Luck. You have help, guidance and assistance whether you will ever be consciously aware of it or not it exists and you are benefitting from it all the time. In a sense its what screws you over at the same time in a way to keep you from straying too far from your path. For instance you might break a leg in order to avoid losing your life on a path you normally walk. But the times you feel screwed by life are always always better then what could have happened if you went a little further ~

~ The Ultimate goal of these various themes played out in different lives is to educate your soul about how to operate fluently in three dimensional reality. Translation: You will eventually enter into a christ like state of being whether it be in this life or a thousand lives from now. Christ Consciousness, Buddha Nature, Avatar State or whatever you call it. I like to think of it as being the ultimate 3d gamer or Neo in The Matrix. You'll get it one day, reality will become clear and you will one day have conscious control over your being in this reality as if it were conscious control in a dream. In fact it is more accurate to state that you already have this ability and are using it all the time to live as ridiculously small a life as you possibly could and when you become aware of this FACT you will begin to understand how your attention and awareness of who and what you are literally make the difference between a Coward and a KING ~

The Dream is Real

2010-07-03T00:22:00.002-04:00

~ What if we got together in a room somewhere and decided to build something so amazing we could literally get lost in it forever? What if we decided to build ourselves and the world we live in perfect in every way, perfect enough to capture our minds forever. Imagine for a second that we already built this world and the test of its perfection would be to see if we could distinguish the real world from our built world. Just by participating, perceiving or involving ourselves in the built world we would in a sense only know it worked, it succeeded when we became lost in that world and believed entirely that it was the real world. Like a Dream. We are not even conscious of the moment we slip into the dream from our real lives. The transition is seamless and there is no indication that anything has happened. We accept that non-sensical world entirely as if it WAS our world. Who's to say THIS world is not the nonsensical world we have become familiar with and accepted as reality. Everything seems unquestioningly real, we even feel things like pain and pleasure. What if we are what we call dreams and we dreamed an entire universe and this specific race to participate in, to play this meticulous game? What if we went to deep and just couldn't remember that we were dreaming? So this dream world began to change from a dream into a very long nightmare that now we may be waking up from. Maybe in the beginning this place was a perfect dream like paradise with beauty everywhere in everything and people came in and out of here the way we come in and out of dreams. Maybe we didn't even need to be born, maybe we just appeared and disappeared whenever we wanted to experience the Dream. Maybe something happened and when it did we reversed and became lost in our own dream dreaming about reality as if IT were our creation ~

The Human Story

2010-07-01T03:45:00.009-04:00

~ You are the Human Story whether or not you like this it is who you are and what you will always be. You are the beginning, the end and everything in between. In fact the Story is about you realizing in whatever capacity that you can that you are human and what that means. It sounds simple and non threatening, even uninteresting and that is exactly as it should be. Because if you knew all at once what it meant to be Human and who you actually are you might be a little more then freaked out cause its not a story anyone you know right now is really familiar with or can even accurately converse on beyond a certain point. That point is about the point that brought you here to this particular post to hear this kind of a story, because its one that maybe now your a little more willing to hear. And so let us begin in that time honoured tradition ~

~ Once Upon a Time…

The Pencil in Your Other Hand

2010-06-24T19:15:00.018-04:00

~ Maybe you can relate to this because it used to happen to me a lot when I was younger. I'd be working on my math homework or journal entries for school in my notebook and at some point i'd need an eraser or something with my right hand. I'd put my pencil in my other hand and do whatever I needed to do, only when I'd finished I'd immediately look for the pencil in front of me which wasn't there. Being lost as I had become in the groove of work I needed to find that pencil immediately and I would look under my desk, in the drawer, off the side, behind me, under me, I'd pull the desk forward angrily, shove my books aside. I would become panicked, upset, angry, where the fuck was that little thing. I did try to find it looking everywhere I could but eventually I gave up and ran down the kitchen to grab another one. And when I opened the box I had to put the item I had been holding tightly in my other hand to do so. Ah, there it is ~

~ I think life is exactly like the pencil in your other hand. At one point you had it, used it and knew exactly what it was all about, how to get everything you wanted from it and it was so natural and pleasurable that you felt enormously confident to casually put it on hold while you explored something else. While you did that you became lost in that something else and called THAT life. And you began to struggle and fear and fall deeper and deeper into survival, into pain, anxiety, all the while holding on tighter and tighter to everything you forgot you already have. And usually as the story goes one day when you've completely exhausted yourself beyond reason and recourse you fall dead and as you slip into forever the strength will leave your body and your grip will finally relax revealing everything you've always been looking for and struggling so hard to achieve. It will roll out of your other hand right before your eyes as you fade into eternal resentment over your own fervent forgetfulness ~

~ Now, thats what generally happens in a persons life maybe the 'standard life.' But if your reading this then you have the upper hand because believe it or not you've got everything your looking for right there in your other hand. But like I said you've been holding onto whats important so tightly (like everyone else) that you've completely forgotten its there and like everyone else your now wandering in a murky haze trying to put things together, trying to WORK for what you already have. Some people you'll notice have become very proficient at WORKING and they can truly i n s p i r e you with their craft. But from another perspective they are even more lost then you are. They have become fixers, who fix things, and continually need some kind of a fix in order to avoid what they fear most the knowledge that something is missing. They are in held in a kind of awe by the multitude of the amnesiac. But we are all wanderers searching for what we already have forgotten. ~

~ All of us have gifts and inherent weapons of remembrance. Usually this is something undeniably beautiful about you, some gift or tool or trait or talent that for whatever reason you just cannot forget. It just keeps coming back up. It keeps rolling out of your hand on to the floor upsetting the WORKING order of things. But thats good because Work in a sense means things are Not Working. If they were the word Work wouldn't even exist it would just be variations of the words fun, joy, play, good times. Thats the way it does WORK. You think about it most of us commit the majority of our time to 'making money' through Work. We have enslaved ourselves inside our own forgetfulness and become terrified of things that remind us of where we actually come from. And where do we come from? Well I'm gonna take a guess that we come from where we end up. W e c o m e f r o m D r e a m s. W e a r e D r e a m s , a living dream that became a nightmare because we have forgotten we are asleep ~

Teachers and Students

2010-06-20T23:19:00.047-04:00

~ I think THE best teacher would be someone who loves learning so much more then they love teaching. Not to be at odds with teaching mind you, helpful, resourceful, concise and informative but forever in awe of learning. It serves as a positive foundation and model for students ~

~ In fact if you think about it its more an accurate representation of life. As in the model for everything our families. The parents never sacrifice their lives for a child, there is no need. In fact its quite the opposite the parents are so capable and involved in life they always have more then enough for themselves, and just enough to comfortably support an offspring or several. But that always only ever comes from a positive successful model for living. As long as the parent is fulfilled, happy, prosperous, in love so then is the home for any dependent or student of life. The home is always the love which does not depend on physical dwellings and material possessions but supports the creation of them. The dwellings and material possessions can then be easily manifested, appreciated or found no matter what the circumstances. For example a fire burns down your home, response: I can't wait to see our new one. When the love is strong the circumstances are irrelevant and even a welcome change of pace or adventure. Another experiential method to help reinforce and understand the many different angels that love functions in three dimensions ~

~ They will tell you it doesn't exist, there's no such thing, give up, get serious, grow up, fall in line, just do what your told, don't be different, give it up, but that is exactly what you need to hear in order to have always the option of turning back, of having some place to go other then where your going, of knowing that the correct decision is never one that is forced but is always, always your choice ~

~ And that way everything that comes from your choice is exclusively yours one way or another. Basing this in the last concept of teacher student and child parent understanding. There would never be a need to push anyone to do anything, because everyone will SEE with their own eyes how attractive correct living is and want to make their own version of it. In this way education will continually be fresh and organic and moving changing with the times and adapting to new possibilities and avenues of expansion to grow, not shrink into an always better then the last one moving organism. Education that is alive, organic and with the capability of learning from itself, from within itself. No rulers only participants. Education being the authority and not localized in an individual or ruling elite. Likewise for families there would never be a need to discipline the child because not living correctly would be enough of a punishment or rather incentive to move back in line for a better path. But it also allows for a number of very beneficial things to happen to help the entire family out. The child might choose a path in direct contrast to the path of the adults informing them perhaps of a better path or at least useful ideas they can put into practice to strengthen and enhance their own life. The child learns self reliance and accurate self assessment and judgement in all cases relating to their on well being and personal pace and rhythm in life. They learn right off the bat to trust themselves and are given exactly enough space to develop their own way of being and practice that indefinitely for the rest of their lives. The child also develops their own sense of self-respect as soon as they can be aware of it and the respect the parents have for themselves serves to reinforce and compliment it in their own unique process of growth and exploration. Life is about exploration, enjoyment and discovery and living in this way helps both parents and children to learn from one another organically and independently requiring neither party to sacrifice their own inherent individuality for the other, but provides an environment where learning and living can continue in both lives organically and independently forever. Not only that but each persons unique expression being inherently self-sufficient is strong enough to not only support itself but inform, enhance and accelerate the unique expression of all other individuals. Both parties can remain individual expressions and still use idea's unique to the others in enhance their own self-expression and round it out more, harmonize it more. It's the same idea behind hybridization to enhance the organic structure of two separate species. In this this way their is literally no such thing as a useless person or wasted life. Every single single sovereign entity is an invaluable piece of human equation and at its rudimentary element deserves respect and appreciation because physically speaking that is what it is. Even scientifically speaking any life form is an incredible awe inspiring masterpiece ~

~ When you look at the world and see someone who can speak a different language, or knows how perform an intricate skill like a master sculptor or even just someone who knows how to skateboard, its impressive, it makes you want to model it in your own life, learn how to do it. We all have this natural desire to integrate new knowledge, skills and abilities into our being. In this way it becomes clear there really is no need to dominate, only facilitate the students natural curiosity and desire to learn. So then why is education structured to enforce learning as if we weren't naturally inquisitive and interested? Why are our natural selves treated like a dangerous thing that needs to be changed? or domesticated? or dominated? Why? Why? Why? In my opinion this speaks volumes about our mentality and method for living. Although we may not recognize it immediately, we are like some darkened backwards civilization of very very very dark minded heavy automatons moving like lifeless machines moving in an atrocious self-annilating anti life capacity. What the fuck. Most people in the "civilized word" are not really alive and anyone who is is seen as a dangerous threat to the system, which they are because the system is inherently corrupt and self-annhilating. Maybe lives were actually meant to go on for a thousand years but because of the way we live our lives are consequently shortened to a paltry 75 maybe 80. Everyone speaks about it that deadened feeling going through monotonous cycles and routines. Filing out papers, signing this and that, picking up this picking up that, doing this doing that. Life is so much of lifeless expression of endless seemingly meaningless monotonous routines to avoid death or dying. Its so shit on so many levels but the fear of death is definitely something that keeps us running the gauntlet again and again and again and again until eventually the endless self-depricating cycles run us down in a mangled heap of tightened limbs and broken dreams. The quality of life, fuck even the purpose of life is awful. There's no nothing in here worth doing cause its so shit everywhere. Even at the highest levels its still upsetting. And the low levels are endless and often inspiring. Its like we're in a meat grinder slowly being ground into pulp and asked and encouraged to smile while its happening because it might upset others who are a little less certain of their position in the grind ~

~ You know reading this, I see I'm just as frightened as everyone else and more then that lost in my own pain. I'm angry yes, but simultaneously terrified of life. I never made the decisions I'm angry at others for not making. I never did the right thing. I consistently did the wrong thing over and over and over and over again and blamed everyone and everything for the choices I myself chose to make. I've blamed everyone and everything and found new and more intricate ways of fighting and avoiding what I fear. I've done it so much I'm actually surprised I didn't just fall off the edge. I'm really good at being bad and everyone has ever taken care of me and supported my own self-destruction. I've paid with everything that I have. I have brought myself into my own pits of despair and denial like the mad man in shutter island. I'm now sitting at the edge of the steps committed to my own self-destruction, committed to my own madness. A wreck a disaster, no better and in fact worse then everyone I have ever endlessly fought in anyone of these insipid rants. A lot of hate, a lot of anger, a lot of pain A LOT of PAIN. I've spent so much time fighting everyone and everything endlessly, endlessly just fighting, advocating my own superior standards over that of everyone else. But secretly frightened out of my mind, scared shitless underneath it all. To willing to fight, in utter defiance of anything to do with actual love, peace or understanding. I just talked about thousand year lives but in all seriousness I've probably ground my life down from the 75 mark to about 50 or 45 because of my pain, because of my fear because of my hatred and rage. Pure rage. Frightening rage like that of a caged lion. I think the point of it was that all the rage actually fits exactly into my fear. It's not a mistake or an aberration or some crazy thing. That's its purpose. And to look at it that way ironically enough all the authority figures I have ever antagonized and fought my entire life are now suddenly my cohorts and colleagues ~

"…to punish me for my contempt for authority, fate made me an authority myself…"
~ Albert Einstein

Heroes and Villains

2010-06-19T20:07:00.024-04:00

~ Like even being a hero isn't really being a hero. It's like everything about the way I've seen the world unquestionably my entire life is completely backwards and inside out or outside in. Like there are no heroes which is why heroes never think their heroes and everyone thinks thats so modest. And villains aren't really villains which is why they are often family and friends with heroes. In fact Heroes could be validly be seen as the true villains but since they represent the popular belief and opinions the truth is considered heresy and fought as if IT were a villain. That being said it would if true reveal a great deal of upsetting realities about who we all think we are and what actually is good and evil. In a sense our most powerful champions of humanity by our current belief systems and structures of accepted personality and thought would by our own definitions classified as evil. To the Christians a meeting with Jesus (Yeshua) would snap their minds and half and cause a cataclysmic shut down of the religious faith or ironically reproduce an updated version of the crucifixion. And since America sets the tone for much of the world it would be a global upheaval. What is going on? Who are we really? What can we not remember? And do we really want to? I'm reminded of the Bourne movies because I feel it is so poetically illustrated the true meaning of being human. We are the killers waking up good recognizing our awful selves and searching to make amends, to cleanse ourselves, to effect a change in ourselves, in others and everything else. We are humanity, a mess, a criminal, a vulgar warped and depraved species because that is what we are. We are humanity waking up and seeing the nightmare we have been dreaming real for far too long. I ask myself why? all the time, How did this happen to us? Why did we choose this? Was it just for fun? Was it an experiment? Was it some cataclysm that devastated us into this way of being? What happened to us? I think there is an answer but I think like everything else in life it will only come to us when we no longer need it anymore. Just like anything only when we no longer need it ~

~ If you think about it our lives are completely reversed and the way we live is one step precisely removed from what we we say we are living. We fight all the help, attack all the love and worship our own destruction and depravity. It does not look like this when you look around but you have been trained as a killer, with killer instincts. What becomes threatening in a world like that is true peace. It's frightening and upsetting to the way of life that we all see as normal and fight about everyday. But I proposition the idea that if we are fighting at all there really is no peace or at the very least so little of it. Put this into context of things like medicine, education, our own longevity and the items of the nightly news and it is us at every… level that have become enemies to ourselves and we have taken the rest of the world with us. Even at the very highest levels the best, most informed, most intelligent lives are still at war within, and all within continually becomes without. We are a living insanity so proficiently backwards we have created every possible expression of living within it. We are the living dead who fight and fear the living. We are a shipwrecked species, a plane crashed mess. We are fighting about what is right in a world where everything is wrong and killing every positive thought and life expression because it feels to weird, too strange to be right, cleaning, fixing endlessly because well "thats just the way things are." But i'm starting to think that actually what we call real is actually some kind of a dream and what we call dreams are actually whats real ~

~ Thinking about this the other day I wondered if what they say is actually real that when we dream that's actually where we go when we die and in fact where all life comes from into this reality. Think about that for a second, because maybe when imagining things your actually there, right there. Everything that seems so impenetrably mysterious is so indistinguishably a part of your everyday life that in no way could you even recognize life without it ~

~ You all think your not heroes but when you finally realize where you ACTUALLY are and WHAT is actually going on, your whole life will magically unfold as the truly miracle tale it has always been ~

A §ummer Tale

2010-06-03T17:50:00.011-04:00

Diary of a Liar

2010-06-01T03:31:00.017-04:00

~ Ok, this is going to be my attempt to tell the truth very honestly about some things I've completely hidden from everyone my entire life. So this should be pretty interesting to anyone who might come across this. Pretty fun. And since I've lied A LOT in my life on virtually every subject imaginable then I'll have a lot to write about ~

~ Ok, so lemme start with the very first lie I can remember telling... I was in Grade one at elementary school and there was this cute asian girl in my class that I had become obsessed with. I mean I was only in grade one but I just couldn't stop staring at her. Just looking at her was upsetting me and so I began upsetting her as much as possible as often as I could, whenever she was around me. It was like my mind out loud, I bugged and bugged and bugged her as much as I could and when I came home at night I would talk with my mom and I couldn't stand what I was doing and my mom knew something was up so I lied and told her that this girl was bugging me in class. And for an entire week I perpetrated the lie until finally my mom decided to take action and brought me into speak with my teacher about the situation. I was like some scared shitless criminal dancing around in the corner trying to avoid the inevitable moment this situation had escalated to when my mom, furious at the abuse and mistreatment her son, god's little helper was receiving from this little bitch in his class. "Oh, Really? because actually I received a complaint from this little girls mother the other day about your son." Her complaint was real, mine was not, and my mom confident in the altruistic nature of her son fell hard when I sheepishly revealed I was lying. What a hit to her pride and trust in me. But as the story goes I always run right to the edge of a cliff, look over and then come running back. I get into such serious trouble, such terrible problems in my life and have only barely managed to extricate myself from ~

~ Once when I was in beavers at the mall for my brothers Beaver car race I saw a little asian boy playing a game with the escalator beside us. He would hold on to the moving hand rail from the ground and let it pull him up a foot before letting go. Upon seeing this incredible game I decided to play as well and grinningly snuck over staying really quiet while he finished playing and was called away by his dad. I looked around to make sure all the adults were looking in the other direction at the races while I put both my hands on the bar and let it pull me up with the force only a full force machine could deliver. Before I knew it I was uncomfortably too high in the air to let go and screamed in terror for my dad to HELP! Three grown men caught me just in time before I got to high. It seems to be a reoccurring theme in my life, the danger just seems far too attractive to me. This played into the next time I remember lying to one of my close friends after telling me he had a yellow belt in Tae Kwon Do or something. Maybe I just didn't believe him for some reason and thought it was a game or something, because I almost immediately said I was at a Black Belt level and could prove it. See my parents just bought me a Karate Kid Pyjama set which to me was as good as the real deal. I kicked up a storm at home and really believed I was a master on some level. Completely confident my friend took me to his house where he left me downstairs looking for his fake yellow belt somewhere to show me, which for sure he wouldn't find and I would take him back to my house and put on the FULL uniform. "Found it." and he brought down the most amazing yellow belt I had ever seen. Until that time I'd never even seen what one actually looked like, once again I felt that familiar UH OH feeling as I realized I was up next and we walked over to my house so I could show him my black belt. I left him downstairs and quickly tried to figure something out while pretending to dig around my closet looking for it. "I can't find it, I think my mom washed it or something." and whew got off the hook. Needless to say it was pretty difficult keeping friends on account of being such a terrible liar and not being able to really ever be honest with myself or anyone else. I don't know why but I seem to have come into life with a really big attitude or belief in myself or something, some idea that I was really great and just lied about everything to everyone all the time to cover up not being what I felt I really was. Always upset and disappointed with the mediocrity of everything, everywhere and everyone. Operating as if it was a completely different world then the one we all live in and constantly surprised by how bad things actually are everywhere. Appalled really. Like I assume a heightened level of things that doesn't exist and it seems like I'm completely surprised to find out the way things are and how people are, its really appalling and I think I bounce between self-agrandizing and self-depricating myself. Honestly, even with all the help and support, even magical support and luck I've had everything still turned out to be an amazing nightmare on every level imaginable ~

~ I only learned to find the truth by lying so well, so deep for so long. Its kind of a slingshot effect into an understanding of things so incredible you cannot even believe they are true. But first lets go to another time, grade 5 just after my first major family trip to Florida. When I came back for some reason I thought a major family trip wasn't good enough so I invented a lie about meeting a cute blonde girl named Suzy. Looking back she was the archetypal good looking blonde girl that I would have seen on TV or come to believe was the hottie of my dreams. So of course she was the one I met on my trip and oh did I ever lie about this. My friends seemed to enjoy it and eventually the lie got so big and extensive I just couldn't bring myself to tell them I'd lied to them. I made up little details like I was clumsy and took flips all the time and I got into a fight over her even though during the actual trip I never left my parents side nor would I ever dare do such a thing. My friends wanted to know about it and I kept telling them until one day and I don't remember why I told them the truth. They were furious, turned there back on me for the rest of the year. They even formed this I hate you club with little red construction paper booklets, or wallets or something. I'm not sure exactly what they were for but man that was incredibly uncomfortable ~

Origin Story

2010-05-31T11:45:00.004-04:00

~ For the beginning of something is built out of the end of something else. When I think about my place in the world the way it is, is like choosing a kind of insanity to be "normal." Sanity is the one thing that'll drive you nuts in this climate and I have it, I have always had it and it has ever tormented me my entire life in one form or another ~

~ For me it was the wind. It's the earliest thing I can remember being in love with. It began in school, which you enter in the fall, the time of decline, the beginning of the end which continues into the winter and you are buried in a structured 'way of doing things' told what to do, who to be, how to act, how to live. But somewhere after the endless conditioning and the artificial world of lines and math and structure a crack would open, something would break off revealing something real, something raw. And like I said for me it was the wind. Just near the endless darkness and drudgery of the hardest time the air would let through just a flicker of something organic, something real, something filled with life. It was in wind. That smallest of hints of something better traveling a great distance and through all kinds of tough and stubborn climates just to hit that most softest sense you had all but forgotten until the moment it hit. And when it did, like electricity it invigorated your every last being, your every last sense and suddenly you were awake and alive. In spite of all the suffering. inspite of all the torment or darkness you may have suffered, it didn't matter because now you were awake and all the heaviness started to fall away as you felt your heart melt and warm your spirit. You were alive and it was new, it was a beginning of something you had no clue about yet. Something wonderful and amazing, it was a sweet whisper in the wind, a kiss from something exciting, of adventure. It was remembrance maybe or recognition of something truly special, something magnificent, something more powerful then the darkness, the hate, the hurt, the pain, the agony. Something of magic, like a story of something bigger then you could understand or even hold in head, something you could ONLY f e e l ~

~ That feeling carried with me through time and never lost its haunting presence in my life. I could not remember anything better then that feeling of something truly amazing just about to happen in my life. Something just around the corner, a feeling, nothing more, no explanation and nothing really worth mentioning to anybody else, because really what would I say? I couldn't describe 'why' it made me feel so incredible. It's just a smell, that smell of summer, I guess everybody gets it, who doesn't like summer, especially in a country with four seasons. But it was something else, it was something else. There was something 'in' the wind, something inside that feeling, like a whisper through time, a secret I could not even reveal to myself. Not yet anyways ~

§ummer in the Wind

2010-05-30T12:40:00.029-04:00

  ~Winter melts
   into spring,
   my lungs
   breathe out death,
   and breathe
   life in,
touching
   so deeply
   my feelings
   within,
   this rush of excitement
   infecting
   my skin,
   sculpting a flicker of
   passion and sin,
   a kiss
   on my neck
   from a sweet
   §ummer Wind ~