It’s been slightly over 3 months since my last updates & I can’t sustain the enormous strength needed to keep it under control anymore. Emotions have taken over & succumbed to the inevitable – Silent Screaming in this blog!!

It’s been a frustrating few months trying to calm my volatile emotions with regards to my ex-wife’s free spirited happiness.

As some of you may know that we went separate way on mutual agreement after taking in great consideration of our daughter Aria Sheza. Our divorce is a peaceful process. There’s no screaming, fighting or war of words between us. Both of us agreed that the need to be friends is very important & essential for our daughter, for her happiness during her growing up years. Now she is happy with her life & I’m happy for her too. However, even though we are divorced, the love I have for her is still quite strong. My love for her is eternal & nothing can ever change it. The feelings I have for her is still the same when I married her back in 2004. I love her. Sadly to say, in December 2009, we step down our married status from lovers to friends.

For the sake of our daughter, we become friends & all the feelings I have for her are buried silently in my torn heart.  It isn’t easy to become just friends when you still have feelings for her. The fact that I still see & communicate with her on weekly basis doesn’t really help soothing the pain I’m carrying daily whenever she communicate or meet me regarding my daughter. In fact, I really do miss her a lot. Every time we communicate, I felt happy & excited but the thought of us not together is a mental distress for me. There’s nothing I can do to make all these better for myself. I can’t stop the friendship because of my daughter. Sheza’s future depends on this friendship.  There’s no other ways that I can do to change how I feel for her. Looking at it, the mental suffering that I can’t escape for the rest of my life will eventually eat me up slowly.

To make matter worst, I don’t have the ability & will, to open up myself to another person as I have stop believing having to be loved by another person wholeheartedly. I have been twice bitten by love; my previous 1st engagement & this marriage. I have lost faith in people’s love. They are not eternal as I would like them to be. I will never put myself in this situation ever again & with that, it’s been decided that I’ve pledged myself to be single for the rest of my life. My last 2 updates did mention on this in detail.

To add sugar on this, lately, she has been dating for the few past months.  It’s been 3 years since the separation in November 2008 & she’s entitled to date anyone. I truly understand her needs to date anyone. Any man who has feelings for a person would be hurt & sad when the person he has feelings with dates another person than him. Every time, I see her updates in facebook about dating a guy, I felt so sad & hurt. I can’t even do anything about it but suffer in silent.

Looking at the future, vision of it is a very scary thought for me. How do I cope when she finally found a potential future husband? How am I going to control my emotions? Am I going to be this vulnerable for the rest of my life? Will Sheza be happy in the inclusion of a step father in her life? Will I ever trust him to take care of my daughter? Will I be ever feel happiness again? There are a lot of questions about the future that I don’t know.

There’s no solution on what I’m going through now. My daughter’s future & my ex-wife happiness is all I care about even though I’m in the verge of mental distress. This is indeed a tough phase to break through & I’m really struggling with it. Sometimes I wish there’s someone out there who are in the similar situation like myself. I would like to meet this person on how he overcomes this situation.  Maybe there are one in 10 million people similar to my situation. The problem lies with me, not my ex-wife or my daughter. So I don’t blame them but myself, myself, myself!!! Why do I still love her? Am I wrong to love her? How I wish I can control love feelings! Nobody can!

To be continue..

The past few weekends with Sheza has been a roller coaster ride for both of us. I’ve been strict with her about discipline & have been scolding her for the mistake she had made so far. As much as I don’t like to show my stern or disapointment face, I know I need to for her own good.

I don’t know how the other kids around her age reacted when they get a scolding from their parents. In my school, when I scolded a child, normally they get scared or unbothered & most don’t show any sadness at all.

I find Sheza’s reaction a little different somehow when compared with the kids at my school. But really, it’s also quite unfair to compare Sheza with the kids in my school because my relationship with Sheza grows from the day she was born. She had known me as a loving person who seldom scold her.

There’s always this fear that the more I scolded her, the lesser she would want to spend time with me. After weeks of scolding as well as showing care & concern, that fear doesn’t exist anymore. I was wrong. We are closer than ever.

For example, today incident, I scolded her for refusing to go to sleep as it is already midnite. She had insisted in watching the tv. I was so angry that I switch on the lights, turn on the tv & increase the volume. I’ve raised my voice & tell her to sit up straight & go watch her precious tv show. I was been sarcastic with her by doing that & hoping she can get the underlying message of my dissapproval. I then sit from a far at the corner of the bed with my black face & facing the other way.

Sheza did what I told her to do. She sit up straight but constantly looking at me looking for my approving look. I refused to look at her but at the corner of my eyes, I can see that she was still looking at me looking so sad than ever. At this particular moment, I realised she knows that I am angry & disappointed at her attitude. True enough, she sob & speak to me in a very sad tone, “Abah, I’m sorry. I love you Abah.” She then hugged me & repeatedly saying, “I love you Abah”.

The feeling of anger & disappointment that was earlier very high just dissappeared. My heart sank & filled with so much love that tears started to drop. I hugged her & said sorry to her. It hurts so much scolding a child that you love so much but it hurts even deeper knowing the child you scolded actually don’t wish to make you angry & disappointed in the first place & still have the initiative to say sorry & expressed her love for her Abah verbally to make the situation better for her & her Abah.

The bond between me & my daughter gets stronger everyday. She’s a very good girl & I  thank Allah s.w.t for giving me & my ex wife such a wonderful loving daughter. I wish I can do more for her.

By the way, after that episode, she fell asleep on my chest as I wrapped her around my arm. It was really a touching emotional heart warming feeling that I’ve never felt before especially after the anger episode. Aria Sheza.. Abah love you soo muchhhh…….

First of all, I’ve sold my Toa Payoh house last August & currently living at my sister’s place in Woodlands for the next 3 years or so. I do have the intention to buy my own place when I’m 35 years old most likely in 2 years time or more depending on the property market. Initially when I shifted to Woodlands, it took me a while to get used to it but as the days goes by, I’m able to cope with it.

I’ve a new hobby recently pick up in the very same month I sold my house. The small tiny fortune that I get from the house was invested into DSLR Canon EOS 7D & the accessories. When I bought this camera, I was actually very excited because it has been my dream since my teenage years to own a SLR camera. Back then in the 90s, DSLR was not invented yet & SLR camera cost a huge amount of money & eventually that fragile teenage dream of mine just fade off.

In the recent 2 years, seeing many of my colleagues owning a DSLR camera makes me envy of them. My long lost teenage urge of owning one slowly resurface again after more than 10 years. Anyway, currently I’m still trying to figure out my own photography style & type that really define myself. I’ve a photoblog for this but it’s still brand new & not much photos yet. Click here to see or go to www.uanz.com

Ok, let’s proceed to other areas of my life.

My work life is still the same as mentioned in my last mid year update.! I still love the job & surprisingly, I took up another responsibility as Assistant Cluster Leader. This is surprising on my part after giving up the Cluster Leader post early this year in January. I guess after the move, I have more time for another responsibilty. The irony to this, I’ve lost my Gebiz facilitator post for my company training department as my school had terminate my gebiz account & given it to another person whom I think are in more needs to have a Gebiz account than me. Fair enough I thought because it means less work for me! Hahaha..

Now, let’s talk about my love life. Well, I don’t bother about it anymore. I’m more cautious than ever. I’ve tried socialising & making new friends hoping something to happen but seriously, I just don’t have it anymore in myself. It seems that I just do it because of people are constantly telling me to socialise & make new friends. Maybe it’s still too early to find love or maybe I have trust issue with new people. You know, there’s always a question that always pop out in my mind. In 4 or 5 years down the road, people will change their heart so why bother putting myself into the line again & get hurt all over again 4 or 5 years later.! Then there is another issue where you have to work super hard to make sure the relationship works well with myself & my daughter. Can you see the complications coming to me if I have another new partner?

So I rather not get myself into that road again. It save me & my daughter a lot of headaches & complications. The question is why would I want to risk the happiness I have right now by bringing in a new partner? To me, it doesn’t make any sense going into that road which will eventually leads to more complications to me as well as to my daughter Sheza.

Some of you may argue that I will get lonely without a partner in life. Of course I will be lonely. Who doesn’t right?  But looking at the big picture, I rather be lonely than having mega problems if I were to choose that route again. Anyway, I don’t stand to lose anything at all. I’ve been married before so I know what it feels like to be married or having a relationship . I have a daughter so I know how it feels to have a child. I think you know what I mean.

So to simply sum up my love life, it ended on the day I got divorced. In fact putting this in writing in this blog really makes me happy somehow. Weird but nice. Maybe I did see the whole big picture & putting other people’s happiness way in front of my own happiness really make me happy. That’s all that matters to me.

Moving forward, now with marriage or love life put to rest, I have more time to myself & my daughter. I guess my priority in life has shifted primary to my daughter. She will have me as long as she wants & I will make sure she grows up as one complete person in both worlds.

So what’s new right now? Hmm.. Beside my new hobby in photography, I have one more new thing that I need to do in 2011. Actually, it’s not really new to me. It’s in fact something that I need to pick up again after dropping it since late 2007. Sadly though, this new thing actually play a minor tiny part to why my marriage succumb to failure. But this time round, I’m going to do it with lots of caution. Of course, now that I’m single & has no other commitment except to my daughter, I have more freedom to work on my personal project next year.

By now, most of you might be wondering what the hell am I talking about. Hahaha. Sorry to keep all of you guessing. Ok enough with the suspense. I’m going to start my journey of earning income online in 2011. So I’m back to affliate marketing & internet marketing for the 2nd time. One thing I learnt from my previous experience is that I won’t get myself involved in network marketing! As I know, I can’t depend on people to achieve what I want. So hell NO to Network Marketing! Anyway, the new project will focus on strangers online & will not be marketed to my friends, families or colleagues. Simply saying that those who personally knows me won’t receive any offering/spam from me ya. Hahaha.

So with these new plans for 2011, I will be very busy doing things that I love most. Yeah..

Hmm. I’ve just realised that I’ve missed some important update here. Oh ya. It’s about my new found interest in the Barclay Premier League team Tottenham Hotspurs!! I’m still crazy about them! Hahaha. I’ve been following this team since January 2009! Ok. That’s not long ago & I’m still quite new compared to those hardcore old fans. But who cares right!? I’m enjoying it every moments everytime Spurs play their game every week. They have improved so much than the time I first lay eyes on them which was back in January 2009! All these thanks to Harry Redknapp as the manager.

I think I should stop here as this update are reaching 1500 words already. Haha. So in summary of 201o, I must say, it’s been a very good year for me. I’m very clear on what I want to in the future. I’m very happy most of the time this year although sometimes I do feel sad on certain things. I’m not as lonely as before because currently I have tons of things to do during my free time. Financially, I’m better than the previous year. I’ve also pick up new hobby in photography. I’m happy on my daughter’s well being. I’m happy to be able to work closely with my ex wife with regards to my daughter. I’m happy everyone close to me is happy.

So yeah. 2010 is a very good year for me. All this are possible because 2010 is the year I start to look at all things positively & simply ignore the other negativity in my life be it emotionally or physically, as well as from other external factors such as from friends, colleagues, partners, family, surroundings & most importantly my very own self. For once this year, I’ve started to look beyond myself & stop thinking selfishly about myself. I’ve start putting others first before myself. However, this mindset will applies until it reach my own limitation. It proved to be a good result for me as all that I ever wanted was a little happiness & I did accomplished it this year!

So now, addition to my final words, I do believe in the following quote, “When the night seems to be its darkest, it means the sun will soon rise up. Press on.. Don’t give up!” I’ve to thank my ex colleague & a dear friend Mr Alan Teo for introducing this quote via A4 size frame which he personally give it to me back in late 2009. I’ve placed this quote on my workstation so that I can read it everyday to remind myself about it.

That’s all for now ya.. See ya on the next post!

& Thanks so much for reading my update..

& pardon me if you find my English full of grammar/vocabulary mistakes ya!

It took me a while to fine tune the other widgets to make it more presentable & easier to view. However, I still think I need to change my header. It’s time for me to play again with photoshop. Hahaha.

So why do I change the layout after been using the Mandigo theme for almost 3 years? The reason is simple. I just need a new fresh simple look on my blog. I also need it to load much faster. Mandigo theme is very good but its loading time can sometimes takes ages to complete.

Another reason is that this new theme reflects what I want to achieve for this blog. As you already know, this blog has been converted to a personal blog. So the change is bound to happen. Furthermore, Mandigo theme is better for business than personal blog.

I have also realised that my blog is now 3 years old. It started in May of 2007 & it is still standing bearing my name. I’m proud of my name. Hehehe.

This new theme Twenty Ten gives you the freedom of changing your header & background. It also comes with custom menu. One thing why I like this theme is because of its simple white layout. It loads much faster as well.

ok now.. For those who has a wordpress blog, do upgrade to the latest version 3.0 Thelonious. I heard they did 1217 bug fixes & features enhancement!! A must upgrade priority!! & it’s free! Download the latest here.

So now, what should I update you? I think it’s better for me to categorise things about my life. Ok, here’s how it’s going to be.

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Divorce – The Post Trauma
As much as I want it to be over, I know it will take some time to really get over it. Let’s face it. I’m afterall human being with feelings & humans don’t get over sensitive things like divorce very easily. I have acknowledged it with an open heart. In fact, it’s quite normal in our society.

One thing I know for sure now, it’s not as painful as before the first time I felt it when my ex wife dumped me in late 2008. Hahaha. It’s coming to 2 years now. So now, I’m still figuring it out on what to do for the rest of my life. I have a few personal plans but has not decided on the finalised plan. I will reveal the plans later maybe on my next update.

That’s all for I have on the Divorce section. I’m not fully recovered from it. There are still some pain left in me but I’m coping well with it at the moment.

The Precious Child – Aria Sheza
Well, I’m sure most of you would have known how I adore my little daughter. I love her so much that I feel I will die if anything is to happen to her. A father’s love for his child is unmeasurable by any known measuring instruments. That’s how deep I love my kiddo.

The fact that I see her only on weekends doesn’t help reducing my mental stress I’m experiencing daily. Life do has its way of  balancing happiness & sadness. It’s feel strange sometimes.

The joy of seeing my daughter on weekends is beyond normal happiness. The short time I have with her break me hard without fail. I love to hug & kiss her all the time during this short time for fear of parting is nearing every single seconds that are passing.

I’m trying to learn to cope with this every week. I have one fear though especially when my kiddo grows up. She will start to feel the way I feel weekly & I’m forever fearful & worried if she can cope with it for I myself is struggling to cope.

Love Life
I can only laugh about this topic for now. The ideal stage of having to love & to be loved is what everyone wants but not everyone will achieve this. I’m one of those people who has not achieve the ideal love life. When I was married before, I thought I did but it didn’t last that long isn’t it. Hahaha.. I do have one part right though that is having to love someone unconditionally. I still love my ex-wife for that matter.

As much as I don’t want to get involve in loving another woman right now, that would be seen as stupid, dumb or whatever phrases you can think of to some people. In fact I have to agree with them. Loneliness is a killer. After been married for 6 long years, I know what’ve been missing the past one year plus living alone on my own in the empty house.

The fact that I’m a man makes matter worst. We men got needs if you know what I’m referring to. Hahahaha. So I don’t see myself staying single forever. Hahaha. Now, seriously I only see myself getting married again probably when I’m reaching 40 years old. There are valid reasons to why I will take such a long time to get married again. Hahaha.

For one, I will not be looking for a wife. If it comes, it will come. With this mindset, it will take a long time to get hitch. Hahaha. Secondly, I won’t get myself married to single woman because it won’t be fair to them since I’m considered one & half guy. A man with a child. Hahaha. Thirdly, I found out that I have problem loving another person & the fact that I’m still in love with my ex-wife.

Hahahaha. That’s all I can do about this topic.. Laugh.

WorkLife – Great Satisfaction!
Hmm, I love my work here in school. However, there is this fear that it may not be permanent as the work I’m involved with now is actually a contracted agreement between MOE & my company ASPIRE! . With that in mind, I need to have a backup plan in case my fear do take place probably in 3 to 4 years time when the contract ends with MOE.

But as long as MOE & ASPIRE! is still in contract, I will continue enjoying my work here in school. I have no intention of going anywhere unless I’m doing my own business & be my own boss. That’s actually my goal in life.

In the meantime, I have a small goal to achieve. I think it’s time for me to balance work at school as well as contributing my time to the company as much as I can since the company is the one who gave me the opportunity to work in the school in the first place & I have gained many valuable experience from it. But this will be done cautiously as I still need to balance whatever time I have left with the school, my company & my family.

Hobby – Soccer Freakizout
I thought I should add this here as well. My life since my active national service time in 1998 to 2008, I have minimal interest in soccer except during the world cup. Now, ever since the great D day (Divorce Day), my life has been filled with soccer related stuffs.

Last year in the early 2009, I decided to support a great superb soccer team Tottenham Hotspur from English Premier League or now they call it Barclay Premier League. This year is the World Cup again & I’m supporting England for its quest for World Cup glory.

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Hmm, this mid year update ends here. I’m sorry of it’s to long for you to read. Don’t worry, if you happens to read this sentence, congratulation! It’s the end for now. Hehehe. See ya soon.!

Sheza had just finish her bath & was changing to her pyjamas in my ex-wife’s room. I sat on the sofa waiting for Sheza to come out. I heard she shouted “Abah.. Abah.. Abah..” a few minutes later because earlier in the room her mommy told her that I was coming to visit her. She was so excited shouting for me without realising that I was actually beside her.

I call for her & she finally realised I was beside her when she turn her head to her left. She become more excited than before & kiss my right hand showing her respect to me. She then hug me & I kiss her forehead. Her face is full of white powder like those chinese opera people. Hahaha. Thanks to her mommy that her face is so white! I really miss my cutie pie a lot. I bought for her a Mickey Mouse ClubHouse colouring book. Sheza love Mickey mouse & she was delighted when I showed it to her. Her face glow.

I went to her room to spend time with her. To my surprise, Sheza’s vocabulary is getting bigger. She showed me shapes & say it out loud. I’m not talking about simple shapes like triangle, square, rectangle, circle. She mastered that long ago. I’m talking about semi-circles, crescent, oval etc.. Oh my god, she really can recognise the shapes!!

She even memorise the doa/prayer for sleeping! For her age, she has done well for herself. I really have to thank her mommy for teaching her all the words & doa. I have always know her mommy to be a good teacher. She always know how to induce interest in kid’s learning experience. She was an ex MOE teacher & for that I’m very greatful that she can teach Sheza very well.

We continue playing with each other via acting, making funny sounds, watch videos from my mobile phone & so on. It was definitely so much fun with her around. She never stop making me laugh & smile. I was happy seeing her happy & having fun with me. Times up! I did not even feel it & it’s already 1.5 hours gone. It’s time for her sleep. The clock reads 9.30pm.

During the playtime, she mentioned many times “go Abah’s house” repeatedly & I keep telling her today Sheza is sleeping at mommy’s place. Abah only came to visit & not to fetch Sheza to Abah’s house. When it’s time for me to go, she wants to follow me. Her mommy is in the room as well. Sheza cried wanting to follow me home. She cried & tears start to roll down.

I hate seeing her cry. I told her that Abah is going to fetch her on the next Saturday & will give her chocolate. Mommy told her that she can watch youtube with her. She then stop crying after much bargaining with our promises.

I know Sheza misses me a lot & I miss her too. I kiss her all over her face & hug her a couple of times. She kiss my hand before we finally departed unwillingly. My heart felt so heavy & I wish I can be with my daughter forever. I had to force myself out of the house. I went from being happy to sad instantly. The day is over.

I shall stop here. Anyway, referencing from my previous post, I have yet to remove the pictures from my workstation in school. Didn’t I told you that it will take some time for me to succeed! hehe.. So don’t rush me ya!!

The more I tried to ignore it, the worst it get. I think I’m the most emotional guy in this planet. Haha. I’ve been living alone in this flat for more than a year & still have not overcome the pain of the divorce. Looks like it is going to take a longer period of time to heal this crushed heart of mine.

Keeping myself busy with work doesn’t help at all. I got more tired & by the time I reach home from work, I felt so empty. I miss those days where I reach home & able to see my beloved family waiting for me & whatever tiredness in me will be gone the moment I see them.

All these are symptoms of loneliness. I’m not denying it at all & have been battling it since day one way back in late 2008. It’s just that I’m frustrated at having this pain. I was hoping that someday it will go away or reduce after some time. But NO! it did not reduce one bit! It keeps coming back again & again.

I’m begining to worry about my mental health. I’m sure that having bad mental health can lead to some disastrous physical health after some time. I may be wrong about this though but it’s a worry which I cannot take for granted.

I think my problem is that I’m not happy with my life. I tried to be happy doing things that I like but that lasted for a short while only. It’s not permanent. Everytime I’m not happy, I will look back at my old happy life with my family & then reassured myself that the happy life is gone forever now.

I believed that there is a way to overcome this. For once, I have to admit that putting away all the old pictures/albums of me & ex together away into a sealed box will do good for myself. This box will then to be put somewhere in one corner & to be open once a year for memory sake. The purpose of opening the box once a year is because I want it to remind me how it feels like to have a family. As I mentioned before that I don’t intend to have another family anymore (keeping my promise made to my ex-wife when I married her).

The first step in doing that will be very difficult to execute. I will do it but it is going to take a while because I don’t have anyone for moral support & I practically doing it on my own free will. First step will be at my work place. I still have many of her pictures at my workstation. Can you believe that after so many months. Second place will be at my current home. Last place will be in my computer & handphone. This I need to burn the pictures into DVDs & store them away for yearly viewing.

Wow.. that’s a tough task to execute!! Wish me luck everyone because I think I’m going to need it to do this well. But then, I wonder if after doing all this, will it help me reduce the pain? I don’t know because I still need to see ex-wife face to face when I fetch my daughter Aria Sheza every week. Come to think about it, seeing her once a week is much better than everyday seeing her pictures. I’m sure with seeing her less, the pain that I’m having right now will reduce.

Enough for now. I will post again after I suceeded in putting away all her pictures in the sacred BOX.!

Although I know that I have to work  every Saturday morning due to the CDAC Tuition at school, it is still better than any other days. Some of you who have been following my updates probably already know the reason to why I regard Saturdays as my sweetest day.

For those who are still clueless, it is because of my daughter that I like every Saturday. It’s the day that I will get to see my daughter during the weekends. After going through the seperation & divorce with my ex, the days that I spend my time with my daughter is regarded as my precious moments of all time. Nothing can beat the satisfaction of seeing my own daughter Aria Sheza.

I want to be the best father that I can for her.  The effect of the divorce has yet to reach her because she is too young to understand it. I know that when she grow up, she will start asking many questions to why Abah & Mommy don’t live together like her friends’ parents. I tried to write down the possible questions that she might ask so that when the times come, I will be prepared to answer her all of her queries & doubts pertaining to the divorce.

I’m a worried father when it comes to my daughter. Her well being is always put forward first before others. She’s all that I have. My blood. My Life. My Precious. I have never wanted to put her in this situation. Agreeing to the divorce mutually is also for her own goods. Imagine if I disagree to the divorce, a war will break out between me & my ex, & eventually the divorce will still go through but the relationship will be tarnished & my daughter will suffers. I don’t want that to happen to her.

As it is, the divorce is mutual, me & my ex is still on talking terms. We don’t fight like other divorced couple we see nowadays. Both of us are still working towards  our daughter’s happiness even though we know a divorce always end up the other way.

However, I do not know the effect of the divorce with this unique circumstances. I do not know how she will turn out to be. I don’t know the future. Everyday I think about it fearing & asking myself that if the best my ex & I did for her enough to make her a succesful person when she grows up.

It’s a worry that has been hunting me ever since the seperation in Nov 2008. All I can do now is do my best as a father & do more than what a normal father would do. Many people have told me that she will turn out ok but that is not enough to assure me of her happiness.  I always ask myself to why all this is happening her. What did my daughter do to deserve this at a young age.  I don’t ask for this & neither did her. Why??

Only Allah Knows the reason for I still believe there’s always a reason for every things that happen in your life. Should end here because I’m meeting my cutie pie daughter later!! Yeahh…

Today, I  accompanied a group of primary one & two pupils to the Little Arts Academy at Selegie Road for their Arts Enrichment lessons. As little as they are which I find most of them so cute & fun to communicate with. Their cute voices really reminds me of my little 2 year old daughter Sheza.

Anyway, the pupils are divided into their own level. I took charge for the primary two pupils while the other teacher took the primary one pupils. My kids did the painting first. They were enjoying themselves with the paintings. I sat at one corner looking at them having so much fun. Everyone is pratically doing it with happiness. Their faces really shows their eagerness to participate in the lessons.

When it’s time to pack & clean up the area before proceeding to the Drama lessons, I noticed one particular girl cleaning & scrubing the the table & chairs to wipe off the paints. From the time, they were told to clean up to the time they moved to the next lesson, this girl never stop cleaning. She scrubs & scrubs, wipe the table, wash the palletes & brushes. While the rest has stop after they did their part, this girl continue to help the other pupils to clean up. I was like wow..! She is a hardworking girl.

As I was admiring her good work attitude, it reminded me of my ownself. I was like her. Love to help, clean & organise. I began to wonder what makes her the way she is & what make me the way I am. Family is the answer. I have a happy & loving complete family when I was about her age & I assume she too has the same kind of family background. However, it’s just a assumption.

The more I think about the family(Dad, Mom & Siblings) , I realised I’m begining to think about my own family (Sheza & my ex-wife) too. It’s a broken family. We don’t live together anymore. My emotions start to run wild. I was feeling hurt & down by the time we were in the bus heading back to school.

I miss them so much. I miss having my own family. I miss having someone to love me back. I miss all of it. It’s a very painful feeling. Is this a symptom of loneliness? I do not know. But I know I miss them a lot. Am I losing my mind? Am I losing my sanity? What’s wrong with me? These are the questions that I asked myself when I feel this down. All the time, I don’t have the answers to my own questions.

I sent a message to my ex-wife asking how they were lately. She replied that both of them are fine & that they are now outside karaoke-ing with her sister, her sister’s fiance, Sheza & her mum. In the past, I’m always there with them doing things together. But now, I’m not in the picture anymore. Somehow, I feel rejected, useless, despair & low self esteem.

Negativity always has its way into my life. No matter how positive I can be, there will always be a time like this to happen. Positively, I think it’s good to feel this way because only then will I know I still love my ex-wife & Sheza. So now back to the question, “Do I Have The Loneliness Syndrome?”

I Don’t Know Lah!!!!

I have to say that it is not easy battling loneliness when I’m are so used to having someone by my side always. Everyday without failed, I will think of her, my ex-wife, of what is she doing currently & so on. Basically, I miss having a loving family by my side. A wife & daughter to love me unconditionally. I admit I am mising them so much to a point that I cried thinking about it instantly.

However, so many things have happened this month alone. I was swarmed with lots of work,  my company’s activities & my personal life. I’m practically juggling time with tons of work in school, my cluster leader job & weekends with my daughter. I went crazy at daily basis & I know this has to stop!

After much thinking & evaluating the situation, I decided to step down my role as Cluster Leader so that I’m able to focus more on my school’s work & my daughter. Things are getting better now. Sometimes I wonders to myself to why I accepted the post in the first place. Later I realised that it has to do with my divorced.

The thing is subconsciously, I took up the role so that I can keep myself busy & not thinking about the pain & sorrows of my divorced. Now I know it’s a wrong move by me. In fact, I got depressed because of it. My moral was so low that I wasn’t eager to go to work anymore. This is unlike me so I know I have to let go of it even though I know I will lose the allowance for the post. I don’t care & wants my self esteem back badly.

Moving on is a slow process. I will be selling the house next month or so. I will then move back to my old place in Woodlands temporarily for 2 years before getting my own house again when I reach the age of 35.

It will be another busy months ahead with moving house & those annoying HDB procedure appointments etcs.. Arrg..

I know I need to put in more effort on realising that my ex-wife won’t come back to me anymore & I really need to move on if I ever want happiness in my life. It won’t be easy to stop loving her but I know I have to in order to get on with my life. After months of efforts in forgetting her, I’m still not able to find a way & failed miserably.

I can’t force myself to hate her because she’s the mother of my daughter. I don’t want my daughter to suffer if I do that. Somehow as I search for answers to my problems for months, I realised that I can never stop loving her even though how much I want to. It simply cannot be done at all. So I will give up trying to stop loving her & focus on other meaningful things like making sure my daughter grow up normal even though her Abah & Mommy are divorced.

My love for my ex-wife is eternal forever & that cannot be change. I know I have kept my promise that I will still love her no matter what happen. That promise is now been clearly shown in this circumstances. I have kept my promise to her & that really makes me happy which is kind of weird when you look at it at different perspective.

So is that an indication that I have or on my way in moving on with my life? I think it is. The fact that I’m able to accept the fact that I’m still in love with her & that she won’t come back to me ever, has made me focus on my daughter more than ever. The fact that all these has made me think about others than myself really are indication of me moving on with life.

However, as good as it sounds on moving on in my life, I am still unable to open my heart to love anyone yet. I’m sure it will take a long time before I can even open a small window of my heart. I have lost faith in receiving love from others especially when they promised it’s for eternal life. I’ve learned the hard way & will be making sure it won’t ever happen to me ever again. Never!!!